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Centennial Celebration: Reflections on Fatherhood, Growth, and Overcoming Parenting Challenges
135 Plays5 months ago
Welcome to the 100th episode of The Integrated Man Project! In this milestone episode our host, Travis Goodman, leads an honest and heartfelt discussion with an incredible lineup of guests—Jon Fogel, Shaun Frey, Sam Powers, Kimmy Wolf, Matt Englar-Carlson, and Nate Feathers.
Together, they dive deep into the raw and real challenges of parenthood, exploring the complexities of controlling emotions, the societal pressures of modern-day parenting, and the essential journey of self-compassion. From personal anecdotes about generational healing and learning from past mistakes to actionable strategies like anti-inflammatory diets, running, and circular breathing, this episode is packed with wisdom and authenticity.
Hear stories of growth, the evolution of fatherhood, and the importance of cherishing every moment with our children. Tune in as we reflect on the past 100 episodes, celebrate the connections forged, and look ahead to the ongoing adventure of becoming integrated men and better parents. Get ready for an episode filled with laughter, vulnerability, and profound insights that remind us all of the shared journey of growth and connection in fatherhood.
KEY POINTS & HIGHLIGHTS:
1. **Emotional Awareness and Strategies:** Travis opens up about the challenges of controlling his emotions and its impact on his children. The guests share various techniques like circular breathing, running, and yoga to maintain calm and model healthy behavior for their kids.
2. **Authenticity in Parenting:** The conversation delves into the theme of vulnerability and authenticity. Jon Fogel appreciates Travis’s genuine honesty, contrasting it with curated vulnerability seen on social media. The group discusses the pressures and the importance of being real and present.
3. **Lessons from Fatherhood:** Reflections on how fatherhood has enriched their lives—Sam Powers speaks about how experiences of loss have deepened his appreciation, while Nate Feathers emphasizes cherishing every moment to avoid future regrets.
CHALLENGE QUESTION:
Fatherhood is a journey full of highs and lows. Reflect on a moment where you felt you didn’t meet your own parenting expectations. How did you handle that feeling, and what did you do to learn and grow from the experience?
Let's get into it and explore the intricate, beautiful mess that is fatherhood!
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Transcript
Celebrating 100 Episodes
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, everybody. Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast. This is a special episode where we hit the 100th episode. I can't believe it's here. I actually was not really even thinking about it until the other the day, which you'll hear actually in the recording here. um As I was cooking some chicken for my family, it hit me like, oh my gosh, I'm hitting 100. So I want to thank everyone who's been on the journey so far. um Last minute I decided to do a live recording. um I invited just a bunch of people on. They kind of came in, came came and went and trying to get as many as I could. I had like 25 or so say yes. And then, you know, due to the time zone and the time I did it, I had about six or seven come in and out of the podcast recording. It was really rad. It was really cool to be able to celebrate with them and just have a conversation. So I hope you enjoy the episode. um I'm excited to share with you the centennial celebration.
Insights from the Journey
00:00:51
Speaker
So without further ado, let's just get into this week's episode.
00:01:00
Speaker
So let's jump in. So guys, as I said before, those watching and listening, this is just ah a little bit of a reflection podcast of the hundred episodes. I'm going to ask these gentlemen some questions. They're going to ask me some questions and we're just kind of takes us and um yeah, I'm missing excited just to have them on and and to be able to do a hundred episodes like that was something I realized I was hitting and like I said and and over some cooking chicken I realized like oh crap I gotta do something I feel like I should do something and so this live idea and I sent it out and i had a lot of responses and
00:01:31
Speaker
getting six guys into one spot is actually quite more difficult than you would think on time zones so but thankfully it worked out um so i think a little bit what i want to share is that this this first and foremost take the most um my biggest takeaway of doing 100 episodes At the end of the day, with all the big names, normal names of people that I've had on, and I've hit some pretty cool milestones, if I'm honest, of like some big names in the therapy psychology world, and that was really exciting for me to get to talk to some of these kind of you know really intelligent people.
00:02:02
Speaker
But I think at the end of the day what I find most ah rewarding is actually just meeting and hearing stories from, I mean, these six guys on here and everyone else that I've talked to. I mean, I've had some amazing men on the show that, you know, I'm thinking on my head, you know, Kelly, John, Vellipe, obviously Nate, Sean, Sam, John, Matt, I've had Anson, I've had Soren, I mean, I've had DJ, I mean, the list goes on. I've had so many amazing men just kind of just being vulnerable, showing strength, talking about their experiences.
Impact of Social Media
00:02:33
Speaker
Marcus Philly, Dadbot Steve, like all these guys who have a heart and passion for men um and wanted and are doing amazing work.
00:02:42
Speaker
around the world. Another good buddy of mine um you know is is Pierre ah from Braverman. I mean, the list goes on and I wish I you know could show a list. In fact, I was trying to use be witty with chatgbt and get me some of all the names, but it was giving me partial names and said and then it put everyone else in the other category. I'm like, well, I don't want to say other to people who are in there because that seems weird. um But some of the highlights here's something I did want to point out is that before I go there is that again I'm really grateful for the stories and the men I've met the men i've met and that's one thing I've talked about in the podcast over the course of doing this is that one main thing I found very life-giving through social media because there's also a lot of life-sucking things is that I've been able to meet and across the world and just develop friendships and relationships that
00:03:29
Speaker
Before this would have been non-existent or impossible given where they live where they reside um And so I've had people from the UK Canada East Coast West Coast South America, I mean all over um ah You know and so because of this I'm genuinely deeply grateful for all the conversations I've had because they've checked they've all challenged me they've all given me something to think about and chew on and to help me grow to um you know look at my own how i see things my own beliefs and my rationalizations and um also the camaraderie out there of meeting other men that are that also have this passion and just feeling not alone in this work.
00:04:13
Speaker
And knowing that there's a group of us, ah really a brotherhood of men trying to do the good work, whether they're in research or they're therapists or coaches or dads, whatever they might be, that they also have this vision. um And so that's something that I will be eternally grateful for from this kind of experiment that started off two and a half years ago.
Highlight Topics: Health, Parenting, Trauma
00:04:35
Speaker
And a couple things to note from the from the the highlights that chatgbt gave me, just to you know use AI here, is that a couple things that said it was the highlight was things around holistic health and balance, ah integrating parenting and emotional health and the importance of that. I've been able to talk to some amazing military men about transitioning and working through PTSD and trauma and what they did for the use of mindfulness, talking through attachment theory and parenting and
00:05:00
Speaker
you know John here talking about effective parenting and and among others like Dr. Tina Bryson and um talking around building secure attachment with kids, um having sustainable health habits as men and what that looks like, transforming our pain into progress as I've talked with a number of men about dealing with PTSD and traumatic life experiences and abuse and what they did and how they found their way out of it. and hearing their stories of strength and courage and determination. ah You know, I'm thinking of a few in particular against Soren and DJ who had, you know, those that know anything about the ACE scores had, I think, the max you can get and are now doing amazing things.
00:05:38
Speaker
um Doing healing work with men and and teens around the world um a lot of conversation on navigating fatherhood and societal pressures obviously dr Carlson Matt here old professor of mine now friend is he's an amazing work around that and I've had many conversations around what it means to be a father in our society and a healthy, balanced father, um and the culture and narratives that men face around masculinities.
Fatherhood and Personal Growth
00:06:02
Speaker
And then just kind of how we how we care for ourselves and what that looks like. And so there's these are some of the highlights that Chappish EBD gave me. um And you know some of the questions I was thinking about what to ask myself and the guys on that were joining tonight. um you know One of the first ones that I thought of was, you know since, whoever could talk jump in, but since your last appearance on the podcast,
00:06:24
Speaker
I'm wondering what is like one way that you have found yourself ah growing professionally or personally? And can you share any of those significant milestones? um Yeah, I guess for me, I had some big changes. So since I was last on, I yeah transitioned out of my startup role and kind of just doing the stay at home dad slash Instagram thing. So just realized, um, you know, again, like the small tidbits of positive things you can get from Instagram and social media. Um, I was like, Hey, you know, I only have so many years where I can be with my kids constantly. Um, not to be like the sky's falling. You only get however many years, but you know, right now they want to hang out with me.
00:07:11
Speaker
They don't have to go to school. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to do everything I can to try and spend as much time as possible with them. And at the same time, kind of like fill my cup with things I like to do in the spaces between. So that's a big change I've made. And it's been awesome. Thanks for sharing, Sean. Sam, John, unmute yourself too when you're ready to talk. I can go less than once to go, but I was going to say ever since I was on a podcast, which I think was probably like a like a little year, year and a half ago. I mean, the biggest thing in my life is is that I had a daughter.
00:07:44
Speaker
um So you know I've got a six-month-old, and I but i have a 20-year-old, and I have an almost 16-year
Parenting Reflections and Techniques
00:07:51
Speaker
-old. um And it's just been a really like amazing experience to just reflect on how we change over the lifespan like and how we change and how, in some ways, it's like my core is still the same of who I am and what I find is important. But you know I'm certainly a different father at 53 than I was when I was 33. you know and um you know And like Sean kind of said, it's also that appreciation that you realize the time goes fast. um And so you want to be there. You want to be there as much as you can. And so I think that's been a really beautiful experience to kind of go through that again and to just work on being kind of present. and And in some ways, too, it's like that a role of father is always constantly changing in what's expected. And and also, our our abilities are evolving. and and
00:08:38
Speaker
just getting better. you know And so I think that it's a so massive growth kind of piece for me, but it's also like a savoring of another phase of life. That's so beautiful, Matt. And you know it's interesting because even from the time that Travis and I recorded our podcast, which we're going to do a series, um the presence that I've learned to be with my three kids, 12, 8, and 5. And you know I remember listening to your podcast, Matt, and just the wisdom that you brought in that. And then as I've recorded with Travis, and we've had that dialogue, it's amazing when you listen back to those things
00:09:18
Speaker
your self-awareness, it's that critical self-awareness or reflection that is so powerful. And it's amazing how we take it for granted when we're in it, and then when we listen back to like what ah an interview or something with Travis, you know how it helps like kind of reinforce that role and that mindset of like, oh, this is happening because really the only constant with our with all of us is change. And it's it's it's It's hard to know, and I always go back to this, it's it's hard to know that my 12-year-old will have a different dad than my 8-year-old and he i and have a different dad than my 5-year-old. And so trying not to miss those things, you know it's it's that fine line fine line of like that personal responsibility and also being present, so you don't miss it.
00:10:09
Speaker
I'm just glad to hear that Matt has a 20-year-old and a six-month-old. I have a 20-year-old and a four-month-old with four of the children. That's amazing. You guys are epic, Matt, girl. I was like, he said that, but it's OK. So I'm not crazy? All right, this works. This is a good thing, right? So he said that, and I was like, all right, well, mine's only two months younger than his. But we've got the same bookends. And I'm all right with that. One in diapers and one in college. It's fine, right? I loved hearing that. i in to ah Stick to the cluster I think rap is just Well, yeah, no, I I I wouldn't say I suggest that but I got guess I just suggested that's a big long You know a big separation but Sam you said something that that I've actually said to my kids Especially because I have a pretty big gap between number two and number three ah was you said that you're a different father for each of them and And, and what's funny about that is one, I think each kid brings out something different in you, right? Like you can't, you don't love them different. You don't love them less. It's just that sometimes you, you just vibe with one and the other ones have different personalities. And so they draw different things out of you. ah But I looked at mine and was like, the guy that raised you is like, he's not here anymore. You know, I'm growing. My hope is that you'll understand that I've grown, but you'll also
00:11:28
Speaker
like see that and then you'll understand that you need to keep growing too like you know reading books doesn't end at at your your senior year of high school and becoming a better person doesn't end at the end of college it just keeps going so and i you said that and i'm like yeah you know and everyone always talks about how the baby of the family gets away with everything And I'm like, that's only because when we had the first one, we had no idea. And by we had the time we had the last one, we're like, yeah, it's probably gonna be okay. I'm just way more relaxed. It's a whole different human being raising these kids than it was when, you know, 20 years ago for me.
00:12:04
Speaker
Well, and it's interesting because I'm a firstborn, so i'm I'm the oldest in my family of origin. And I heard this quote, and in it it really rings true for me, is that the firstborn grows up with his parents, and then the parents raise his siblings or their siblings. yeah And it's so interesting having a 12 year old who my son and I really, we're only about two weeks apart in our birthdays. He's a March and I'm in April, early April. And it's so fascinating to see the essence of me coming out in all three different kids and how different that is.
00:12:43
Speaker
And I have to apologize to my oldest because I'm like, dude, I'm so sorry. I didn't know anything. I said, I've made so many mistakes. I'm still trying to figure this out. And I said, I hope you're cool with it. And I was like, I really don't know much. So we're learning this together, buddy. And he was like, OK, dad. I was like, sorry, it's just going to be up front now. We'll pay for therapy later. Right. I told my kid, I told him, I was like, I'm not paying for college. You want to do that? You pay for it. But I will pay for therapy because that is totally my car. We'll send him to Travis, right? I guess job security, job security, yeah. For me, i'm i all my kids are all clustered together and my oldest is only seven, almost eight. And so the idea that I'm like growing up with my seven-year-old, like I vibe that super hard because I heard this quote, is one one of my friends recently said, and I changed my mind and I see that as a strength, not a weakness.
Learning from Children
00:13:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:43
Speaker
and and And really, the thing with my seven-year-old was that whole parent only exists because he needed like like all the kids who are like, oh, like well yeah, Jew's going to have one kid who like has that has that thing. And that's going to be their thing. And then the other kid's going to have this other thing. i that's gonna be their thing. Like my seven-year-old is the most empathetic, compassionate, loving, caring, kind kid who also at every turn has just been like, you are gonna be an excellent parent or I am not gonna work with you.
00:14:18
Speaker
and so like like literally like two you know one year old two years old like there was no like people out in public like this whole parent started because and this is kind of getting back to where how i'm moving because now that he's older i'm moving into different thought spaces and places but whole parent started because like I had to learn all of these techniques and part of it was my own educational background that I was learning some of the stuff some of it was that I was trained as a foster parent and I was learning some of this stuff um but I had to learn all of these spaces and do all of this stuff just to like survive with my oldest
00:14:56
Speaker
And then I would meet my friends out for things with our kids. And their kid would like be having a tantrum. And I'd be like, oh, no, no, no. He uses what you do. And I would do the thing. And they were like, that's incredible. And I was like, no, just so my seven-year-old taught me that. I mean, he wasn't seven times. He was two, or three, or whatever. And and everyone's like, man, this works. like This works for everything. I'm like, yeah, because nothing works for him. And so I feel like the thing i feel like the thing that I'm learning right in so many ways is that like parents we we are only as experienced experiences our children let us be. So often, just the way our brains work, we'll do the easy thing until it doesn't work. like will like you know all I don't know about you, but like most of me and my friends like just ate and drank whatever we wanted in our 20s because it worked. well The body still was fine. But then you're like 30, and then you're like more than 30, and then all of a sudden you're like, i got
00:15:52
Speaker
I can't do that easy thing anymore. I gotta kind of keep track of this. I can't just drink five, you know, five, six beers and then wake up and go to work the next day and it'd be nothing. And so you do whatever it is. So so I'm learning to like value that. Like, oh man, you're making me work. Like, am I, different kids have different stuff, but then like, oh, you're making me work for this? Like I'm just in the gym, just parenting version, right? Like that's just what we're gonna do today. So that's what I'm learning. I'm sorry if I'm super quiet. I haven't used this mic in this way. You know what, John, it's so it's so cool because i'm I'm a huge, I love to read. And Adam Grant, who wrote Hidden Potential, which is a great book for parents. But one of the things that always stuck out was that he always said, you know, really great performers and critical thinkers
00:16:38
Speaker
have the ability to back up the car and change direction. And so it's so cool because that's something that, I mean, for us, all of us parents, what worked for our first, you know, at five or six, didn't work for our second at five or six. So it's like, okay, we've got to change directions, change lanes, and, you know, go at it in a different way. And it's it's so true. And it's so beautiful that you had that forethought and that awareness to kind of share that and and really grow that. blame my seven year old. And I can, you know, to piggyback on what John said, I mean, I feel that too. I tell, I resonate that and going to school to become a therapist and a counselor and knowing child development and getting
Therapist's Parenting Insights
00:17:20
Speaker
a master's degree. You know, I think what I found is I realized I knew nothing with all the stuff that I knew once I had a kid, while those books, I mean the books, I'm like, now I gotta apply the books. That's a whole different story. And like things don't just neatly fit into, you know, hey if I do this and I love Dr. Bryson's work and Dan Siegel's work like I love those books but doesn't always go exactly the way it is in the pages and I think until I had a kid and there was I was tested and also not only that I was tested with my patients level and I think one thing I found is I thought I was a very patient person um having children has taught me a whole new
00:17:52
Speaker
whole new reality of what it means to actually be an embodied patients and that's something that I could not have anticipated previously and I think finding myself at times when I'm at my lowest and I resort to yelling and realizing even with all the tools my bag how I could also you know be succumb to that state at times and realizing that wow like this is an area that I need to continue really practicing in is very humbling I think I'm constantly humbled with, like like John was saying, what my kids are constantly teaching me and what it forces me to either not grow or to grow in. um So it really is one of the most humbling things and something I could not have anticipated prior to kids, even in grad school, all the knowledge is like, yeah, that stuff is in the end helpful but meaningless if if if you can't bridge the gap and and embody patience. I mean, that's something that is really hitting me as you guys are all talking.
00:18:44
Speaker
Patience, man. I thought I was a patient guy. And man, do I have work to do. yeah you're i Travis, but your stuff comes up. It's like it knows me. But like the calming techniques or like the things you post, they just randomly like top my feet. and I'm like, oh, yeah I need this. cause like i am I do a lot of things good as a dad. But man, like I just hit my limit. And then I ah resort to like just being mad. and then The nice thing is I'm able to reflect and be like, I hit my limit and I'm 40 years old and I can't understand why my three and a half year old's screaming. Like I'm expecting her to like figure it out, but I'm 40 and I can't figure it out. Like, you know, so yeah, I can relate to that. and And sometimes you just want to join in. I mean, so many times where I'm just like, I just wanted like to just go, OK, if we're all going to yell, I'm yelling to just for just to join in the chorus of, you know, chaos.
00:19:42
Speaker
feel like I feel like that's I feel like you know like I want to like empathize with that but but for me I'm just such and like a ridiculously oppositional personality that if like like if my I'm just like you are not leading this yeah I got a whole whole family full of like little punk rockers and metal heads. So it's all non-stop. I would like develop with such a strong taste for classical music. like i would just I would just be like, you will not. i was like I made this entire parenting quiz. This is a really long story, so I'm not going to tell, but I made this entire parenting quiz last week. I've just been like like hours and hours and hours trying to like
00:20:25
Speaker
Basically recreate many grand quiz but just for parents like just parents wow and and when I tell you that that like 60 questions but like but anybody only gets like 15 and it's like and then they go over here and then they're like over and then in the end of it I like I like took it myself and I was like I don't like any of what this is telling me about myself. It's
Self-Discovery through Parenting
00:20:48
Speaker
funny. I was going to say, you don't know yourself until you have kids because you definitely don't know. You don't know your shadow and you don't know. I'm going to use the IFS. You don't know your parts. You don't know your internal family systems until you have children. And I've, you know, you read all the books, you do all those things, but it's like, dear God, like what do I do when my kid, you know, has
00:21:13
Speaker
you know, punched his brother or tried to, you know, and it's like nothing, you know, comes out, but those, all those parts you hid for so long. That's, that's the real learning and that's the brutal experience of um that real life, you know, internal family systems. For those of you who have been parents longer, when when do you stop saying the thing that your parents said to you? when do you when do you like grow out of that like you know what I'm talking about like where you're like I'm never gonna like can you guys let me know like is there a punch card am I like no man I'm telling you right now I hear stuff and I'm like oh Brian feathers is coming out right now dang it no it's not it was bad it was just like I hear I hear him and I think as soon as I hear it I can see his face on my face you know what I mean it's like no you just
00:22:04
Speaker
You just change it, when whatever your dad said, you just change it to your personality and your verbiage. And then it comes out and you're like, oh my God, I think I just turned into my dad. What the heck? It doesn't never stops. Matt had somebody say he was looks like he was getting ready to do something. Oh no, um um I was actually doing a parenting thing on on my daughter lost her phone. So, you know, it's like, I'm live on a podcast right now, but you know I hope you find your phone. But um but I can multitask. But ah you I was actually thinking what, Travis, you shared and what song you shared. it And you know the the part about that patience piece, I was just thinking that it's like I'm I'm aware that the way that men are socialized often be thinking about the needs of others in an element, but but at at some level, like we're all very selfish. right and And the patience for me is like this crash course and thinking of others, and in particular, thinking about your your children and in front of you. And like your needs matter, but you realize in that moment with humility that that they don't. ah can they They do, but they really, really don't. right Like, yeah, I've got a meeting.
00:23:12
Speaker
And, you know, the childcare canceled and I got a poopy diaper going on right here. And what am I going to do? And the meeting's important. It isn't important. You know, what's important is like what's in my arms right now. And I think those moments, like just reliving those and realizing, honestly, how it just makes me a better human, like it makes me a better human to be able to kind of just have that other thinking. um That's been such a huge part of that, like that. So it's patients, because I agree, like patients was my growth edge for so long, you know, and and And it's my children who taught me patience, you know but it's the way of other thinking and other people. And um and again, realizing that now with with another infant, it's you know I have a zillion things always going on and so many multitasking, so many projects, and yet you know I can just be floored in that moment by just wanting to be present and understand that like
00:24:06
Speaker
you know, that need that needs to be dealt with right now, um because it's so unbridles, right, um is actually the priority, you know, and I think that's the the humbling part of being a dad again and um But if the humbling part when I was a dad the first time, um like it was hard then. It was probably harder then. But um but I think that's the the beauty. And I think that that, I guess, in some ways, Travis, like the work that you're doing, like you humanize that in so many ways. like But the podcasts you've done and the guests you have, it just like reminds us that as dads, like um it is the most important job. like It is.
00:24:41
Speaker
you know Matt, can I ask you a question? Yeah, yeah. I actually want to ask Matt a question, and I think all the dads. um Has the experience, knowing what you know now, has fatherhood become a richer experience?
Fatherhood's Richness with Age
00:24:56
Speaker
Oh, 100%. I mean, um that's so Nate nodding right there too, like, 100%, like it's, you know, I think it's, you know, as we age, there's that generativity that kind of happens if we think about human development. And, and, again, like the difference at, at middle age, that's where I am compared to being being being young adult, but there's just some more appreciation and for everything, I think, but, um you know but also going through like a lot of loss in my life, having lost both my parents and ah a sister and
00:25:30
Speaker
A variety of people in the very short amount of time, like, again, that humility of being just a finite time we have, right, absolutely brings richness, you know, and so it's like you, you know, I mean, it's true, right? Like, you you lean into the hard stuff so you can experience life better, and and leaning into being a parent again is is that in some ways to live life better. are ah so yeah i think so too and um i mean it's so hard like it's not all like you know it's hard um but it's it's it's less hard if that makes sense i'm curious you thought on that oh beautiful yeah yeah uh
00:26:10
Speaker
So I'll bring in the Nashville side of this in the sense that Kenny Chesney has a song says don't blink and That's actually what started dads don't babysit man I dropped a drop my oldest off at college and I went home and I sat down on the front porch and was like Like the thought was actually oh my god, it's over and it's not that it's over. It's just completely different and I And I felt like I had the life flash before your eyes kind of thing where I saw how I was as a dad and it makes me tear up when I talk about it because I'm like I had so many opportunities and such a long time I had 18 years to like to. build this amazing connection with this kid. And instead I was impatient and angry and frustrated. And I let everything get to me. And then it was, you know, constantly thinking, well, you're a little, you're going to get in the way. You can't come to this, you' not taking them with me. So going and doing things ah not because I wanted to do it alone, but because, you know, little kids would get into stuff or distract. And now I'm like, if you're distracted, that's your problem, because this kid is here. You know what I mean? Like,
00:27:14
Speaker
There's so much that i I, that's really, really is where the Dazzle babysit concept from my standpoint came from. Cause I was like, I can't have this regret. You know, they say the weight of discipline is ounces, but the weight of regret is tons. And I feel that they they say that about a lot of things. And, and I, I applied it there like, man, if I If I would have done this differently, I wouldn't feel the way I feel. And my instant thought after that was no dad should feel the way I feel. they've got There's got to be a better way. and that And I've got to do it. And I've got to take as many men with me as I can, because no man should get to 18 with his son or his daughter, take them to college or send them off into the workforce and feel what I'm feeling right now. It it was awful.
00:28:00
Speaker
And so then I just turned towards the other four at that time and now we've added one. So the other five and was like, I'm going to savor everything. Like I don't say I can't wait until like, I just refuse to say it because I am, I'm going to savor the, the diapers that I have on the youngest right now. I'm going to savor the fact that my three year old still, even though we put her in her own bed, still gets out every night, crawls in and curls up against me. I'm going to savor that because one day she won't do that anymore. And that will, that will rip my soul from my body. I feel like I'm just, I hang on to all of it.
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah, I think Nate couple a couple things. um I was going to chime in. I'm really glad that I didn't because I have something to say that that was from my job before I even had kids. um But what what I was going to mention is or what what I want to say after what he said is. number one, Travis, back me up on this. It's also not all or none, right? Like there's, there's an aspect of like the Nate that is here in front of us now was there and there were moments, right? So like in those 18 years, like there were moments when the best dad showed through. And then the problem is we, we look
00:29:17
Speaker
we We play revisionist history and and and then we go but there are so many moments when I could have done better And I think that's like so compelling right like just thank you for sharing that because it saves as you said Countless death from from having to have that experience. I think it's a painful experience to have yeah I just hope that you're not drowning because because I look at a Nate and i I look at you and I go I go, yeah, but there's no way that there weren't those moments to even with the oldest where like, but, but he was still there. Right. Yeah. And so like, it's not all or none. and And then, and then just to to piggyback on what you were saying, what I was going to mention is that, so I used to, before I did anything.
00:29:55
Speaker
People complain all the time that I'm too young to have talk to talk about parenting because clearly like you don't know anything about parenting, you're too young. I actually had ah an even crazier job before I was a chaplain. and so I was 25 years old and I was just walking into the rooms and dying people, being like, let me shed some light on your life for you. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll just tell you that like over and over, like the thing of just savor it, if I took anything away from that experience of sitting with literally, I cannot count the number of dying people. And and it wasn't all young people. My dad actually was dying at the at the same time that I was a chaplain. He would sing goodbye.
00:30:32
Speaker
um So so my so so that happened and then during while I was a chaplain also my best friend committed to the fight He was only 23. So so so like all of that loss of thing. Okay, you know 23 year olds and 65 year old and then the you know all the drug overdoses and all these other things that I had to sit with and Really, I was like, Oh man, I can't, like, I cannot waste any of that. And so not only from your anecdotal experience, Nate, or yours, Nat, also, I'll just tell you from the weight of like sitting with countless people, everyone says the same thing. It's so unoriginal. It gets boring because like you can just give their speed, their dying death fed speech for them. But it's like, yeah, man, it just went way too fast and I didn't prioritize the things that I should.
00:31:17
Speaker
yeah Wow. I feel like that's the the thing is to be able to grasp that ahead of time, right? You know, share that, listen to that, get that from somebody else and then course correct. Like you said, put it in reverse, go a different direction, like course correct and and change. And that's the whole that's the whole concept. I think all of us are here trying to do exactly that, not only in our own lives, but then affect change in the lives of other men. You know, I keep saying, You know, we can really change the face of fatherhood in one generation if we just like we do it consciously. Our children will do it for our grandchildren unconsciously because it'll be their default setting. um You know, I'm sure they'll have their own things and obviously every generation gets better.
00:32:02
Speaker
or you know builds off the one before, but we can really change. like I'm just looking at men on this screen going, this is how this is how an entire generation of of children is is changed before they even realize it because men like this choose him to make changes and help other men make those changes. Nate, I was just thinking that you know we often talk about parenting like when we teach it and in schools. you know And um you know we often talk of parents like you parent the way you were parented or in opposition to how you were parented. It's often one or the other. you know and it's And it's a lot harder to do it in opposition to right because you actually don't have a model. right But if you if your parent did well, like you said, Nate, then you already have an expert model. Not only that, you have a consultant probably when you become a parent. right like You have a personal consultant who you go back and say, well, dad, mom, tell me about this. you know
00:32:55
Speaker
Um, so I love what you shared about that, that within a generation, absolutely a hundred percent. Yeah.
Repairing Relationships with Fathers
00:33:01
Speaker
With that, the' the thing of generation stuff and I'm thinking of, you you know, my next, this is more of a personal question for everyone else, but I'm thinking of the role my dad had in my life and the healing work that we've been able to do over the years. Um, cause there was a season we didn't talk where I made a decision to kind of step away from the relationship due to various. you know, reasons. um And now our relationship is probably the healthiest and closest and he's done some healing work too. And, you know, part of me was understanding his, as I got older, understanding his experience going through burnout and not understanding that I was a kid. My parents separated when I was a senior in high school and then they did an edibly divorced. My mom got depressed. Like.
00:33:40
Speaker
all the stuff and when i find i sit down with him when i was older or he got to share but also he did his own work too cuz he he's like. He didn't they didn't have the model back then to do the work we're doing now like and and john's talked a lot about this on his stuff is like you know we didn't have that information it wasn't how it was back then and it wasn't talked about as much as is now and. Well, we've had the opportunity to really heal. I know that not everyone has that, but you know I'm wondering if you think of your relationship with your dads, um you know whether it was close and healthy or somewhere in between, or if you were able to repair or not repair, like if you could repair, would you? like you know like How do you see the impact of your dad on you now? And and how has that changed if you were able to repair it or not? And like how does that then impact your your your thought now and how you parent your children? So I'm kind of just curious with you guys.
00:34:30
Speaker
Sorry, big question, but you guys can handle this because I think there's something about healing generational stuff too. It's like, man, if we could do that, I think that's ideal. Like ideally, if we can go back and heal, not just us doing the work down, but if we could bring in the previous generation, I feel like that's more holistic. I'll go i'll go first on this one because this is an interesting because I actually work with my dad in my other job. And it's it's a tricky dance. And what I would probably say that the one thing that i I wish that he could see was how attunement
00:35:05
Speaker
to each one of his kids would have been like the superpower for that whole thing. you know And that's something that I think it's very interesting because we're both very similar and so we have our own dynamic. And I look at his ACE score. you know He was like the fourth of five kids over 20 years. And he wasn't supposed to live because when he was born, he was left in the hospital and he survived. And it's funny because it is I've had like those little conversations where I was like, you know, what about this, you know, and really he's there. But it's he only remembers the version that he really enjoyed. And that's something I think with a lot of dads. And I ah talk about this that
00:35:54
Speaker
when you deal with aging parents, they always remember their favorite version of you. And and for me, it's been, um I just kind of go, that's the capacity that he can hold, and I'm gonna accept what is and what that is. Thanks. Thanks and for sharing that. I act to step out in a minute, actually, because parenting duties call, but on both ends, actually, a variety of ones. But um you know I was thinking, Travis, about that question. And and I had a really great relationship with my dad. And i I really respect him and how he how he raised me and and my siblings. and um and you know But I'm also aware of that you know he wasn't perfect. you know and And none of us are. you know And I think as I've gotten older and gone through different milestones that that that he would have gone through and my parents would have gone through, I think I just also again have a lot more just compassion for that.
00:36:50
Speaker
the life he led and um and in some ways some of the traps he found himself in, some of the conflicts between working family and some of the ways in which I think he was actually quite lonely, um which now is quite sad to me when I think about it. lo um you know and And I can think about some of the things that, again, when I was way, way younger, that I was just being a kid, of course. It was nothing to do with me, but the choices my parents had to make and and how they made them um just gives a lot of appreciation for like the struggles that they went through. And I so i think, as a you know again, we've used that term true humility, but I think like there's some, in a way, some forgiveness. you know not that there were Again, not that things were bad, but just some forgiveness around like, OK, that's
00:37:36
Speaker
wow, that must have been really hard for him. like There was a period in my life where my dad had to you know had two kids. And my parents pursued this dream in Hawaii. And both their parents said, don't do it. And it didn't work out. And they had to come back two years later and essentially move into my grandfather's basement with two kids, no job, you know almost like in shame. And at the time, of course, I was just six. right So I just was six. And now I think about and think, wow, like as a man and as a dad and as someone who was trying so hard, like how hard must that have been? um And just that compassion for for him and and what you know his journey and my mom's journey to, of course. I think that's the thing. I spend more time thinking about my parents more than anything. And then maybe the hardest part is not there to regret, but you know the conversation would be one if it was much nicer if it was two-way at this point.
00:38:29
Speaker
Oh, but it's not, you know. um But yes, I think that's that's a piece I think about. Thanks for sharing that, Matt. Yeah. OK, I'm going to go because it sounds like the neighbors started setting off fireworks again. They've been doing it every night at between 11 and one in the morning. Um, yeah, I know it's wild. They're illegal in my state illegal. So I just wanted to, uh, I was just going to briefly comment on my dad. And then I, if, if I get called away, that's why I'm disappearing. I don't dislike you guys. In fact, I'm going to be contacting some of you guys. I also have a podcast that I would love to get some of your, your takes on it. I've loved listening to this. Um, you know, all of my parenting growth.
00:39:11
Speaker
happened after my dad was dead. So my dad died when my my oldest was less than a year old. So he was there, but the last year of his life was not really him either. You know, it was it was cancer Steve, not the Steve that I had for my Hawaii. And so really a lot of the compassion and forgiveness and that I've done with my dad is with my kids is like explaining to them like, yeah, you know, grandpa steve didn't didn't do things this way and sometimes i feel like i'm just supposed to do what grandpa steve did and and today i had to sit down with my seven-year-old and have a long conversation because it's too passionate and pathetic and and and he like literally runs over to the kids who get hurt on the playground and picks them up and oh you are you okay i'm i'm here for you like tight he's all ultra competitive i don't know if that's just like a gene but like man i am
00:40:07
Speaker
And, and I don't think I've modeled that in the last seven years. And my dad was like, we were notoriously like the two most competitive people and like, like alienated ourselves from many positive relationships by being too competitive. And he's with his best friends next door and like kids steals the soccer ball from him in a normal soccer game. And he just like goes for the knees. He wipes the kid out and he's just like, you will not. or like he like a goal gets scored and he picks up the ball and just I'm just like, what? You're so non-aggressive, you're so like not. And so I had to like sit down with him and I was like, you know, there's something at Grant to Steve, he never, never talked to me about. And that's that we have this amazing part of us that's super competitive and like is passionate and loves sports and loves games and loves winning. And we like, it's a super long conversation and it's like, you know,
00:40:58
Speaker
why you don't. Sliding cleats up to the girl who's playing second base in the co-ed trip softball lead. That was basically the summation. right But like just being able to say, like hey, my dad taught me how to be competitive, but he didn't teach me how to turn them on. So now I'm going to teach you both. And and that's honoring. That's not saying like to to be like, this is this bad part of us. And like we got to fix this part of us. Like that would be, that would be like the oppositional forces as now. But instead to say like, no, I'm going to like, I'm going to take, I'm going to take it in. Like this is a very trippy metaphor, but like, like when water gets filtered through plants, you can like pour really dirty water on plants and it comes out clean.
00:41:44
Speaker
like I'm gonna take it in and I'm gonna take the good stuff and maybe it's gonna take me absorbing some of the garbage but like I'm not just gonna leave you dry either right I'm not gonna just withhold it just because it's a little messy like we're gonna do both and that's been my whole process because my dad didn't ah really good stuff. Like unlike so many, like the only reason I talk about this set, like let's be real, is because you you can only go as far as you can go. Like my dad built the stage that I'm dancing on in front of the TikTok and Instagram community right now.
00:42:20
Speaker
But I talk shit about the way he parent all the time. And and part of that is that like yet he did so much. It broke so many generational things for me. um Not all of them. He still yelled at me constantly. And guess who yells at their kids to you? Working on it. But we're we're getting there. right So yeah, that's, neighbors seem like they've been properly arrested. So maybe I'm going to stay on for a minute. That was my, that's my little anecdote in this evening. Yeah. Thanks for sharing, John. That was, I liked, you know, hearing that of like, my dad taught me how to be competitive and I'm going to, I'm going to teach you like how to turn it off. Like what a great way to honor, like, you know, it's beautifully said. I think it's such a great way to look at that perspective.
00:43:06
Speaker
Yeah, it's just not all or none. Yeah, I love it. Right? right like it's Like there's just, life is the but. Like there is no, like the black and white thing. I'm such a black and white thinker guy. I wrote a book and I called it Punishment Free Parenting. Like I'm such a black and white thinker and yet, it's not all or none. Yeah. Anyone else think Sean or Nate or poor Kimmy? I didn't hear the question. Hi, Kimmy. Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. I'm on my own. Hey, Kimmy.
00:43:35
Speaker
Nice to meet you, John and Sam. ah way heard no guys sorry go sea I'm not a father, but I have one. We we learned about your dad. Yeah, did. and um yeah no my I had a great i'll have a great relationship with my dad, ah but what I noticed is like Parents had me when they were like in their early twenties and as a kid and like even as a teen, like looking at the way they parented, it was like, you know, I hated it and thought they were the worst. And then you look at where they, like how we try and parent now. And they did none of that.
00:44:17
Speaker
And you look and you're like, why didn't you do it? But then which is easy to say when you have like a six month old kid and then you have a three and a half year old and you're like, oh, like I get it. Like we're like they were trying and like my dad was trying. Right. Like that was gentle parenting of me. you know it was the hit out death parents I can relate because my parents had me at 24 in 1978. So that gentle parenting of the 80s was nothing like what we could do now.
00:44:53
Speaker
So that's I don't look at that and I'm like, the grace, like, I guess it's just, it's more internal cause I don't, it's actually probably worth the conversation, but like, I don't think they view it as like some negative stuff, but there was some stuff I was holding onto that now I look, I'm like, if I was in my twenties and trying to raise kids, like I would not have done as well as my parents. Like I'm in my forties and like I'm trying and like I'm a lot more emotionally sharing my forties than my twenties. so For me, like one big thing, like I spent my whole 18 to 30 trying to make my dad proud.
Parental Approval and Peace
00:45:33
Speaker
I had this revelation like and't know several years ago, but I just think he never said, like hey, I'm proud of you. um right But there was one day I went to work and I was at his work and I was 25 or 26 or whatever.
00:45:48
Speaker
and everybody there knew everything about me like everything and I was like oh he is proud of me he just doesn't say it like it's just not he's not a talker and that like clicked and I was like okay that's what I needed and what I took from that is like to make sure that I mean, that's just a glaring one for me, but to make sure that my kids know I'm proud of them for whatever, for just being them, but making sure they know that and they're never questioning it and never making decisions based on me, like making me proud because like that's what I did. I did a lot of that um to try and make my like my dad be like, Oh yeah, like great job. So, um, it's not exactly the question, but that's kind of the big thing that, that, uh, I take away and like the relationship with my dad and, and what I think, you know, it's a big pillar of how I parent is making sure my kids don't feel that in any aspect. And I'm sure I'll fail in some, but hopefully less.
00:46:53
Speaker
Do other people have that thing? well i would that job I was just going to ask it if Nate, Sam, Travis, Kimmy, if you guys have that, like that is that's the thing like for me too. so like i'm just one like My mom has never once been like, like just like I would be like, bookie this great thing I did and she was, oh my. My dad is the most enthusiastic father ever was. ever Like of all time. And I would say that that also tripped him up. Like the story that comes to mind is people are like, oh Kimmy. Like when I was in college, they're like, you went home. I met your dad in the bar last night in the student union. He's awesome.
00:47:35
Speaker
And I'm like, dad, boundaries. like But he was so excited about like everything in my life. So he was very excited, but it tripped him up. So it's like a balance. I don't know if that was exactly your question, John, but it's like that's my that's what comes up for me is they think it's a balance. right like you can you can't At times, I think you can be overexcited. Yeah, Kimmy, the question was, it was more of like an amalgamation question. I was just saying that, you know, knowing more about my father as I grew older and hearing his story, it just gave me more understanding and compassion. And at the same time, he needed to do some, he did some of his own healing work too and and took responsibility for some stuff that he wasn't so proud of.
00:48:17
Speaker
which enabled us to heal and grow deeper. So it wasn't only just that I had a better understanding and empathy becoming a father and knowing more about a story, but also that he came to me and had conversations about some of the stuff and and took ownership and enabled us to fully heal. And now our relationship is amazing. So they were kind of just sharing stories about, you know, the importance of generational healing, if possible, to go up. as we go down towards the next, yeah you know, our kiddos and and extend know for so for some people, and it's not possible they can't heal up, right? um To some degree, they can a little bit, but not fully. um And so that's what that was. And I know your dad was majorly enthusiastic. John, your point about being like black and white,
00:48:58
Speaker
You know, thinking but in black and white way, like one of the, I think one of the things for me that, you know, I have a really strong relationship with my dad. Part of the reason I do the work that I did is because do is because when I started looking into the research, I was like, Oh my gosh, my dad was so ahead of the game. He wasn't perfect. And he had me at around 40 39. um And I'm 40 now, 41. And he, you know, I think the way that we have healed is um what I try to carry on to my kids is like life is messy and life is imperfect. And parents are people and they can be silly and they can mess up too. And I try to do that with my parents. I mean, my parents make it easy because they're really quirky and out there. and There's a lot for me to work with, but like with my kids, I'm like, nothing is, you know, it's like we can be silly and stuff can be hard and it's going to be messy and that's okay. And I think that I'm i'm constantly working on that. My dad is aging. My mom is, they're both 80. My mom's turning 80 and my dad's 81. So.
00:50:00
Speaker
I'm constantly working on that too. i think to john I think for me with aging parents as well, Kimmy, you almost have to hold the duality of who they were and who they are and that their experiences when they were raising us if they were intentional, they did the best they could with the resources that they were given and then the resources that were around. Because I think about even being a parent now, I have so many more resources like at my fingertips. like hey I could text Travis in or I could tune into any channel and it's like you know and i I think about being a kid in the 80s,
00:50:41
Speaker
and the parenting resources. and I grew up very evangelical, so it was a lot of focus on the family. and sometimes now boy yeah and Sometimes that Intel was not what we needed. her own take that like one You kind of have to accept what is and and i I told the client that I was working with coaching wise and I said, you know, you have to decide like your parent was an imperfect person that got you to this point and you have to decide how long you want to be either angry or accept who they were at those times because they're their time in front
00:51:24
Speaker
we're we're We're down to some of the last yards and I just said it takes a lot of energy to hold that at much anger when you know that they're going to not be here for a long time. So you have to make that choice of acceptance. Well said Sam, geez. Um, my buddy Nate from Dads Who Try, great account if you don't follow them already. Good guys, Tommy and Nate, but he asked this question and I'll just pose it to anyone who wants to answer. Has being a parenting influencer caused any extra pressure to perform to a certain standard of parenting or is it just an overflow of your parenting experience?
00:51:58
Speaker
I'll answer real quick as I call myself a parenting influencer, but as a therapist, I think sometimes I have that pressure of I know the material because I've read it and I'm a trained clinician who teaches people this. So sometimes I can get stuck in the, well, i the the shoulds at times, even though I know that that's not effective because I teach all my clients to not to not to stop shitting on themselves, but I still should on myself at times. So um I could find myself getting in that trap and I quickly get out of it, but sometimes I'll hold that pressure of like, I need to, I know this and therefore I should be doing this well because I teach this and I know this and I went to school for this and I have a degree in all these letters but then I come back to but I'm human and that's when I for me what helps me to answer this question is I have found regularly to the best thing I can do is take responsibility and repair with my kids repair with my wife because at the end I think that's the most important thing that I find is that when I do make a mistake it's it's not so much the mistake it's the repair and the growth out that comes afterwards so that's what I say. what
Parenting Influencer Pressures
00:52:56
Speaker
Pause that to everybody else. umm actually coming I'm actually glad for that because that's the way it is for me as well. it's It just constantly pushes me back to go, what do i really do I really want? The last thing I want is parents that follow me online to go, like I can never meet Nate. Nate's status, not in the sense of Instagram, but in the sense of like, he's such a great parent. Yeah, man. I but i constantly try to keep coming back to going, yeah, but I still yell. i so I don't want to. It still comes out because it's it's it's always a work in progress. It's always the journey. So as much as I can tell people but i that I screw up, I try to say that because I would never want someone to look in and go, oh, well, Nate's got it got it done. He's got it figured out.
00:53:42
Speaker
That's insane for me to think that that's the way it should be, right? But at the same time, that being there, it's like there is that little voice that goes, you tell the parents that they shouldn't yell at their kids. Like, well, I guess I'm going upstairs to talk to Wyatt because that you know that's not how I lived my life today. And so going back and repairing it. I mean, that you said it, Travis, that's all you can do is continue to strive to get better and and bring it you know bring the bring the relationship back to right. I think that's the whole thing. It's just going back in. And I'm the guy that's going to sit here and go, we are the example. Everything I do is building what they how they see the world. And so as the example, I don't want them to see the examples. Oh, yeah, we just yell at our kids. What I want my kids to see is that dad screws up
00:54:30
Speaker
And then he says he's sorry, and he strives to do it again, because that's the example I want to set. I mean, I looked at Wyatt the other day, and I was like, dude, we it was today. It was today. He shot me in the face. We're twittering we're playing Uno. And all of a sudden, like a rubber band just shoots me right in the eye. I'm like, what in the world? and i wouldn't I was like more stunned than anything else. But then he got real sheepish, because I was like, dude, you just shot me in the face. What are you doing? He's like, well, I was aiming for your cheek. i was like Don't aim at me. You know, that kind of thing. But and I watched his I watched his face. I was like, Look, man, it's it's OK. Like this is not OK. My eyes still watering and I'm like wiping it. But yes I was like, that part's not OK. But we all screw up. You thought it was OK to aim at my cheek, which it's not. But like you missed and you hit me in the eye and that's dangerous. And I even told him, I'm like, I'm glad it was me and not Luna Gray because that would have been a whole other problem. Right. I mean, you shot dad in the face with a rubber band as opposed to Finley or Luna Gray. I'm actually glad for that. Now we may ah have a learning experience to say, let's not do that. But in the midst of it, he got real, real down and I'm like, we all screw up. We all do. Dad screws up. You just screwed up. It's going to be okay.
00:55:44
Speaker
Let's play, it like he put the cards down. He wasn't going to play. I'm like, no, man, like you screwed up. We're going to fix that. It's my eye is still in my skull. So we're good. And let's continue the game. It's like move forward, buddy. And that's what I want from everything that I do. I want that is just keep moving forward and keep, excuse me, keep striving to, to, uh, to repair, make the relationship right. And that way, the way it is. I think the gold standard isn't
Embracing Imperfection in Parenting
00:56:12
Speaker
perfection. The gold standard is imperfection. and though you know i don't know I don't want to speak for everybody, but maybe. it's like i think when you know Nobody knows it better than the parenting influencers that
00:56:24
Speaker
that everybody's imperfect because if anybody had the opportunity to be perfect but it would be us who are thinking about parenting all day long every day or searching it or practicing it or coaching everybody but what we know is that we're also having our moments like and I think that it's that authenticity which you know I pay so much attention um You know, I follow a lot of parenting influencers and I started in adolescence, but I have two toddlers. I wrote a book about teenage girls and I have two toddler boys. um And so I'm, you know, there's a lot of people I'm following and it's constant for me, you know, integrating what I know.
00:57:01
Speaker
about parenting and about what types of parenting work and also the realities of having children and the realities of being human and finding that balance, you know, for me, the real challenge has been not being so hard on myself and realizing like, wow, I'm actually really nailing it. And actually, people call me all the time and ask me for, you know, tips on the on little kid stuff. And I'm like, oh, and now I'm starting more little kid stuff. And I just so I think I think it's nobody knows better than us the parenting influencers that parenting is imperfection but it is that repair and that's what's that's the difference and that's what our generation didn't have didn't have the chance that always translates to it's so powerful i had a therapist once who said it's really important to learn how to fight it's really important to learn how to disagree
00:57:46
Speaker
to lose track to lose track of your emotions and then figure out how to navigate that with the other person. so Yeah, Kimmy, you nailed it. First off, there's like two parts of me. So there's that part of me like where I'm out in public and I'm just not in it. like We're dealing with the meltdown, whatever, and I'm like not at my top performance. And I'm like, here to you, somebody here follows me. And they're going to be like, this guy's so full of crap. like But then I'm like, But then I'm like, okay, sure. That crosses my mind. And then I'm like, I don't care. And then remember that like, when I follow accounts, if the account always seems perfect, I unfollow that account. Cause I'm like, this isn't real. This isn't real. Um, whereas like Nate, for example, like he posts great things and I'll like read them and I'll be like, yes.
00:58:37
Speaker
But you can read it and be like, it's aspirational. It's like, this is what I'm striving to be. And when you're striving to be something in reality, you're never going to be that always. And Kimmy, to your point is like, I used to get really upset with myself when I would screw up and I'd beat myself up about it for like days. And now I look at it like that. I'm like, OK, I yelled, I am going to go solve this situation because I didn't learn how to do that. And I'm teaching myself how to do it, which is super uncomfortable, but also with my kid. And it's like this screw up that I did. We can kind of look at it as a silver lining of like we are learning an even more important skill than controlling our frustration. Good skill to have, but be frustrated and then learning to apologize.
00:59:28
Speaker
for something you did wrong and be totally okay with apologizing, you see an even better skill. So like to bring it back to the whole question is like, it crosses my mind sometimes of like, I need to be better because I talk about this online, but I also talk about how I failed online too. So it's like hitting myths. it's It's being present over perfection. you know and My wife was in the influencing space for ah several seasons, and so we know what it's like to be that forward-facing view, you know and she's a clinician as well. ah and It's interesting because I think the most important thing is your authenticity, your vulnerability,
01:00:10
Speaker
And you're willing to accept that you failed and talk about it. I don't want it perfect. Like life is not perfect. Like, you know, I've had my kids like pull down their pants in public and just crap in the the gutter. And I'm just like, you lost me. Oh, like, I'm like, uh, okay. I guess this is definitely we're influencing a free bowel movement, you know, yeah in Paris right now. That's like all invoke my two year old. age trying to do he's an alter
01:00:42
Speaker
I'm like, we're not going to do that. Not you know, about anything. Not he's not potty trained yet, but he will be. um And I'm like, we're not going to do that. And he looks at me right in the eye and he goes, I do that.
Humor in Parenting
01:00:51
Speaker
Boys, hello this is the boys. I had two first. You're in for it. No, I can confirm three boys. Yeah, far. one on the way, not in, we don't know. Could be. That room will be free downstairs. No big deal. Wyatt will walk out to the back deck to just go off the back deck. Oh, 100%. Yeah. It's just like, I mean, on why would you? Or if we're out front, it doesn't matter. Cars going by, neighbors are out. I'm like, Hey, what's your name? We're riding on the ground, you know, whatever. The whole world is a bathroom for a little boys. Yep. Yeah. Sandboxes, chis.
01:01:32
Speaker
is So so so on to to answer this question I answer it a little bit differently I think then then then you guys I Would John you would answer I do I would um So when when Sam said earlier like look at the resources that we have versus the resources that the parent they so I as as I talked about in the episode with Travis earlier, like that that that was like our whole episode was talking about that. At the same time, and then subsequently writing a book, I realized that you know everybody has their challenge, like every generation has their challenge, and ours might be an overabundance of information. I think in very white yeah it Yes, right? And and in in so many ways. 100%. And so when we say like, oh, well, what did our parents have?
01:02:19
Speaker
like in the 80s. So like my parents did most of their parenting in the 80s before I came. um But but most you know what did my mom have? like She had some other Cub Scout moms who looked just as overwhelmed as she felt. And and and now, like What does my wife have? My wife has 10,000 perfectly curated Instagram. And there's an aspect of, like, I do think it's important that all of us show up and do the vulnerability thing that we do the imperfection thing. Kimmy, I know that your name is Kimmy Wolf author. I thought I heard a little Brene Brown author coming out there on you a little bit. Um, but, but, but you know, like, I think that's all important.
01:03:01
Speaker
I would be lying to you if I didn't think didn't say that like constantly I'm like how dare you be the person to tell anyone the parent like with how garbage you're being today John and and this is another place that I'm learning from my kids because my son started the lemonade stand. down on the street and he was like, Hey, so he doesn't understand the public industry. He doesn't understand the like, he's like, you wrote this book. I know that you wrote a book. I know that you've been editing the book. I'm like, yeah, the book is what you could sit down. I was like, it's done. He's like, okay, that's great. So when can I have some copies? And I'm like six months. Um, so, so, so he's like, so I i would like to also sell your book at my lemonade stand with, that with my lemonade. And I'm like, Oh yeah, you like, you feel like he's a market mark that up.
01:03:48
Speaker
you get some you get some make some money here and he was like well i think i would sell it for the price that it cost us and i said why and he was like because i feel like when my friends do the things my friends parents do the things that you talk about everything is just better for them and and i was like well do you feel like I do the stuff that I talk about. And he was like straight face. He's like, yeah, you try. And I was like, just this moment of just like him just feeling like, yeah, you try. I was like, oh, my God, like this kid just like spoke to my soul. Like it's not about results. It's not actually about even doing it. And I will say I i try not to get into the like, oh, we're just going to be constantly repairing thing. I kind of move past it because I also don't want to do the whole like
01:04:37
Speaker
the the Oh, here's opening up that internet browser, like getting your prayer ready. You got it in the back pocket. You know what I mean? Like, you know exactly how you're going to pull it out. ah And I'm just like, man, don't let me get to a point where I'm just like, Oh, I really feel like yelling at my kids. I'm just going to yell. I'm just going to go ahead and do it. and just Oh my God. And so and so I'm really conscious to just be like I just I was really and so I've learned to do it I actually had I've started to do it like mid yell well I like be yelling at my kids and then I was like I have been really trying not to yell and this has nothing to do with you This is my own problems don need was take a break right now because you're doing so good and listening to me. Yeah
01:05:38
Speaker
and And so like I just that that's been that's been my process but but to to answer Nate's question about the ads who try Nate's question about like is it hard like 100% for me I'm like I'm like oh man the imposter syndrome is constant that like if I'm in a target And I know full well, every fourth person has seen that like one really emotional video that my wife made that I posted online, right? I'm like and like, just cherish the moment. I'm like, they're watching me cherish this moment.
01:06:14
Speaker
um
01:06:18
Speaker
I had this moment with my four and a half year old, my two year old throws these pretty epic tantrums. And like, I wasn't yelling at him. But I was just like, I was like, dude, like, breathe, like, we're not doing this right now. Like, and Max looks at me right in the eye and he goes, Mom, he's gonna calm down soon. And I was like, Thanks, buddy. Like, I was like, Junior life right there. Yeah, like just stick with them. He'll be good. And I was like, thanks, bud. Really appreciate it. i You know, I think the yelling thing is really interesting to me. You know, I think everybody has their moments where they yell at their kids. And one of the one of the pillars of gentle parenting
01:06:57
Speaker
and our generation's parenting is like, we have to yell at our kids less or not yell or yelling is super bad, right? But on the other hand, it is like a natural human instinct to raise our voices when they're doing something dangerous or really out of line and we're worried that they're going to be harmed because of something that they're doing. And so I just wonder, just, you know, even in this conversation, it's like, it's so heavy. It's the worst to lose it with the kids. Like it is the worst. I really, you know, we all struggle with those moments. It's like, I feel like I wish that there was like an expert on like, how much yelling or like, is this just part of nature? And are we fighting like the ocean tide here? You know what I mean? By like yelling and then beating ourselves up for however long, even if it's, you know, 15 seconds and then yelling at ourselves, whatever it is, I think that.
01:07:44
Speaker
You know, it seems to me like I've I've seen and talk to pediatricians and they're like, yeah, people yell with kids. Like it's stressful. People are tired. And so I think that's one one little thing where it's like everybody deserves like more grace there. But I do think that a lot of the online parenting resources are like Yelling is bad. Yelling is bad. Yelling is bad. And you incorporate that and it takes a human, you know, but we're all human and and humans. It seems to me from what I'm hearing and seeing and all of the experts I've talked to like have their moments with their kids. And I think the guilt is heavy because because of all the information we have. like you know what ah Our parents when they're parenting us, like my mom, like she's like, where did you find this? Where did you hear this? How did you know that? That's so great. No idea. like we were just you know We just took our kids to the park. I didn't know you could have this special bathtub toy that would extend baths for like up for you know whatever. So there's a lot I can say. I was talking to my wife the other day. I was like, do you think our parents felt bad when they yelled at us? And she's like, no. i don't She's like, I don't think
01:08:47
Speaker
She's like, I don't think they did because they yelled less than their parents and like their parents like hit them probably. And like her parents were like, I'm not going to hit my kid. I'm just going to yell. And like, that's okay. And I'm like, I got to ask my parents about that because like, I feel like they probably didn't feel that as bad as we do. Yeah, I don't think. Well, so so here's here's the thing, though. and And I don't want to I don't want to go too much on my like, like, this is like this is like a big card. So, like, basically, I wrote the book and then I had I was like, I'm missing a chapter. I don't know what it is. And then I like went on a crazy, you know, search and I found it. And and this is and it's this, which is we can do this whole gentle parenting. We're not going to punish. We're not going to yell.
01:09:28
Speaker
If we don't do the work to realize that we have to be as gentle with ourselves as we are with our kids, like we're not going to like that we're allowed to have the same emotions that our kids are allowed to have, that we're allowed to throw tantrums, that we're allowed to like be hungry and then like act out. like the Yes, we have to hold our kids to a lower standard than adults. Don't hear me saying otherwise. But like if shame is an ineffective teacher, it's an ineffective teacher for grownups too. And like the last chapter of the book, like the thing that I finally got to was like, Oh my God, I have to have a chat or at least a part of a chapter about why punishing yourself isn't going to work either. Like, and so whenever I hear the like, Oh yeah, I yell at my kids and I go into like the shame's fire on them and like, Oh yeah, you sit here.
01:10:13
Speaker
Garbage human and like you're jealous this little tiny person like what's wrong with you like you're the grown-up I actually really like this there's one video that I found out of this guy being like I just I just shit talk myself whenever I'm mad at my kids like oh you met like oh, bro You like super mad at a three-year-old right now. Oh, that's mature like look at you. Oh, you're a teacher. What's in there buddy? well like like But we do that in a not funny way. like right We're like he like, you are horrible. You are the worst. and i think that like Until we realize that like we're just doing that because our parents
01:10:51
Speaker
taught us that in order to have any real life change, you had to feel bad enough first. Ain't nobody gonna do anything until they feel bad enough about it. so like like until We're like, oh wow, I'm not gonna make my kid feel bad to teach them a lesson. And then we yell at our kids and we're just like, you are all horrible. no Good and you should go sit in the corner dad and it's like what is wrong with us? We're just doing the exact same shit that we would never do to our kids to ourselves And so that I think there's no amount of yelling. That's that's that's like, okay That's acceptable because that's my standard myself, but I will say I'm never gonna stop yelling in my face
01:11:32
Speaker
because ah exactly it's perfectly it's perfectly put it's like the standard is no way and i will never reach the standard but this is always what i'm striving to but like it's not going to happen but i'll do my best every day and for me it's like a quick example is like i remember it so specifically we're out for i had both kids and we're out for food on a road trip and a baby tipped over my daughter's chocolate milk. She lost it. It's a little frustrated but like it's a baby whatever. So like I clean her up, change her, she starts drinking again, then she's happy and then she slaps her chocolate milk over and instantly like I just saw red but for whatever reason I was like it's freaking chocolate of milk man. It's fine. and So I just I just laugh and then my three and a half year old like just
01:12:25
Speaker
thought it was hilarious. And then like it became this funny moment. And then I ended up spelling it like that. But it became this funny moment that she's talked about every day for like the last six days. And it's like I just try and remember those. And I'm like, hey, we just need we just need to make these things like we need to remember how we feel in those situations and try and replicate those as many times as we can. So be they become more more than norm and like again the goal is you're yelling the goal is a goal and we'll do our best but for me it's trying to make those moments outweigh the other other side moments and ah as much as trying not to beat myself up it's to like be proud of myself even if it's in silence or now on a podcast with a bunch of people but to be like to celebrate that and be like you freaking killed it man
01:13:22
Speaker
Own it, dad. like everything whos It was it's cool to, it was just one of those stupid moments that just turned out to be like something I'll probably remember for for a really long time. Well, I think that people are going to realize that the moment they decide, okay, well, like the standard is no yelling and I may never make it, but I'm going to strive for it, right? That's when your kids turn on all the stuff that feels like, are all of you against me? Like do all of you, do you hate me? Does the world hate me? Is the universe again? Because like you're like, how is it that every little thing now that I've decided that I'm going to live this way?
01:13:54
Speaker
How is that every little thing makes me want to go off the rails? And it's almost like the moment you decide you're going to do anything, like there's a little bit of pushback and a little bit of pressure, but when it comes to your kids, it's like, it's not just a little bit, right? You're like,
Maintaining Calm Amidst Chaos
01:14:08
Speaker
I'm not yelling today. It's going to be a good day. And you come down the stairs and you're like, how have you destroyed the house in the 30 seconds you've been awake? Like I put everything back and now it's all, it's everywhere. And, and you guys figured out where the cereal is and now it's all over the floor. Nobody decided to clean it up and you're both old enough to do so. Like all of those things start coming back in to like, to really be like, do you really, do you really want to not yell? You know what I mean? It's like, it's just like your kids know how to amp that up and they're not doing it on purpose. It just feels that way, you know? It just hits you right in the shame trigger. It's not like we're answering this question right now that Nate asked, what piece of advice do you give off and start with implementing?
01:14:48
Speaker
I don't think we're going to answer a hit right now. You know, I know what, I know what mine is. but eat Mine is, uh, it's like to just be with your kid when I'm in the tantrum phase. So this is my life right now. But it's like when your kid's having a tantrum, like be there, be present, be consistent. And it's like, I give that a advice all the time and like, I try and follow it, but like not always. And like, it's hard. So that's one where. i'm always like hey like you can be consistent and be there and like be the calm in the storm and then like sometimes they're just like oh we're doing this like let's get in let's be part of the storm like i'm not the comic force like somebody else like that's my big one and uh yeah can i become the anxious presence yeah
01:15:37
Speaker
And I never get to that, Sean and John, an anxious presence. One thing, i and Sean, going back to what you said earlier, is like you know the videos speak to you. I often do those because I need to remind myself to breathe because that's one of the best strategies I do that I often forget. And and thinking of my kids as I also get stuck in being the calm presence and then I hit my i hit my limit. And I'm like, okay, now I'm just gonna force it. we're just we're We're just figuring this out now. And it happens and I'm like, Damn it like you know um And I'm like I and then I apologize in a repair but and not just not flippantly but actually really mean it and my kids are so gracious and I think That it always like warms my heart when I get to have those moments and then when we finally both calm down
01:16:19
Speaker
It's like then you can have that conversation and I know these things but I that's one of my biggest struggles right now. Absolutely is that one is that I hit my limit and it's just it's like the switch and and go to him I go from calm presence to like demanding and then just we're just, we everyone stop, you know, just stop. and And it's probably more for probably telling myself to stop, but it ends up coming out towards my children as well. And and um that's a tough one, man, it really is. it's It's realizing, you know, and I'm thinking of like maybe a ah final question too as we're looking at the time is that, you know, what is a, trying to think of a strategy that you guys can give that you're finding either most useful for you right now or one that you need to do more of that helps you kind of
01:17:03
Speaker
stay more calm as best you can not in trying to hit get when you are successful at hitting the bar of not yelling that day or whatever it is and um Like what is that for you? I'd be curious to hear from you guys um And for me it really is like I've been doing a lot of breath work stuff Because I know when I do do that and I do other things like working out and stuff it um it really does help me and in fact recently began I talked to Nate about this offline, but I getting back into regular movement again because that was one thing that I couldn't do regularly because me and Sean were talking at both of our boys at colic early on and my dad like our kids never slept so I could never have any energy to do anything other than just get through the day and now that I'm doing this I'm finding some really good relief in that as far as like adding that piece back into my like holistic life that I was I knew I was missing but I couldn't do much about it because of like
01:17:54
Speaker
I was so exhausted from just lack of sleep and, you know, clipping together 30 minutes to make, hey, I slept four hours a night, but that was like, you know, six yeah half hour increments, you know, like for 12 months straight or whatever, you know, and, and, and, and being
Physical Activity and Emotional Regulation
01:18:09
Speaker
so drained. And so I'm just curious, what is something you guys are doing now as dads, as moms that you're finding is really actually helpful? Um, yeah, curious. I've long believed in anti-inflammatory diets to just calm your nervous system. And for me, like the orientation has always been like what makes me feel good rather than like what can't I have because the anti-inflammatory diets are like no caffeine, no sugar, no alcohol.
01:18:36
Speaker
No gluten. And people are like, ah, it's so restrictive. I'm like, well, it means that what you eat is you eat like protein and vegetables, which is like really good for you. And it was really hard to do that. Like I literally, it was like the no sleep thing. I literally couldn't remember to eat healthfully. Like I'd just be like, oh, like I can eat pasta, but I'd be like, no, I'd be like, that doesn't. you know I literally, it very much affects me. So I i do the anti-inflammatory diet to the, yeah not perfectly, um but I try that. And also just, again, movement, especially yoga. And I find that if I do yoga, it's like an investment. like It's not like I feel as amazing. like I feel pretty good after I do it. It's the next day when my brain is just like lit up.
01:19:23
Speaker
ahead No, I just had to dig that. I think that's awful. Yeah. For me, I do like this two things. So one, I'll jump on that movement train. I've hated running my entire life. I got into running about three years ago. Never thought I would be like doing distance runs, but there's something about running that Like this is going to sound negative, but it's not. It like beats me down. You know what I think it actually is, is it beats my ego and just everything down so that when I'm done running, like there's none of that's there. And I'm just like, like I'm tired and I'm just a zombie. It's just like, I don't know. I get like every frustration out when I'm running and I'm just thinking and whatever. So that's one.
01:20:07
Speaker
The other, I'm going to call it a dumb one that I do that has helped a lot. is We started using this like color chart, friend of mine on Instagram suggested it, where I'm like, how are you feeling? Are you green? Are you yellow? Are you orange? Whatever. and I was like, oh I'm going to start doing this with her as well. so I'll be like, dad's feeling really orange right now and I don't want to get red. I'm going to walk out here. And I'm going to breathe. Whereas like before, I just be like, I'm getting really bad. I'm gonna leave. And it's like, she doesn't know what that means. Right? But like, now she's like, Oh, it's orange. I understand orange is frustrated. I don't know what that word is. But I know what I'm like when I'm orange.
01:20:46
Speaker
I don't want him to get red. So I get that he's not just leaving me because I'm crying. He's just going to step there to not go red. And it's like, I don't know if it's helping her, but it's helping me. It's helping me. So I'm like a three-year-old. I'm like, I'm feeling pretty orange. And I don't want to get red. I'm going to do Travis's breathing technique at the door here, and we're going to try to. I've actually done the same. I've been doing the circular breathing. So it's like, you know, you breathe in six seconds, breathe out six seconds, do that over and over um to a level. This is the part that I love is that that's not only helping me, but I am watching my children pick up on that. And so I can say to them, you've seen daddy breathe, right? Yeah. Okay. Do that with me. And you know, it might take a little bit to give them, if they're really upset, get them to do that. But I've also watched them do it away from me where they're,
01:21:36
Speaker
They're on their own like the young of and I can't say the youngest the three-year-old she has I've seen her start to be really really frustrated and then start into that and Obviously, it's not six seconds in and six seconds out for her because I don't think your lung capacity is like there yet Watching her do that hasn't been like I'm going down the right path Like I know it helps and I'm you know, it helps me. I know it helps them and I like to hit pads like ah boxing with the boys and we do that beforehand because I'm always like, hey, look in a fight, the guy, your adrenaline is going to dump because that's what I used to do. Like your adrenaline is going to dump and the guy who can control that is the guy who can go longer in the fight because you're going to get all your energy out, hitting the noss on your car.
01:22:16
Speaker
and you know that kind of thing and so um we do that before we hit pads so we learn how to do that and then i'm watching my daughter do it ah so it's i'm seeing it affect the entire household because uh because i started doing that and it really does i i've calmed down so much faster doing that amazing Yeah, you know, start following up the colors that work. If you're at a meal or a meal in order right now, you do not want to see me at red. So whenever, whenever people talk about this movement things, this is one of those deep dimes that I was like, why, why does this work? Like, I just don't get it. And the best like research that I've been able to find in the business that
01:22:55
Speaker
if you stress out your physical body not like stress it to a point where it's like you're gonna need exhausted but like stress it like running beats me down right with what Sean said then your your mental load is like There's no, we don't need to like, we don't need to vent the system today. Like, like the system has been vented. And so like, as we've been in a more and more stagnant world, like this is what I'm like, my dad came home and yelled at us like every night. And he was super great guy, super nice guy, super like compassionate, like cared about people like, but just came home and yelled every night because he sat in the desk and like, he was like an active guy. And then he like started running. Like when I was, I don't know, in high school, he was like, stop yelling.
01:23:40
Speaker
We never one-to-one correlated it. We were just like, oh yeah, dad yells for me, he's mad. We're not doing anything to make him mad anymore. We're all his own. But it was actually just that no, dad just needed to literally get rid of the energy. And his body was going to do that. And this is what I tell people with kids all the time, their body is going to get rid of the energy. You get to choose. You want to send them on an obstacle course, or you want them to try and rip your eyes out? One's more fun than the other. The thing that I've been doing, um None of that. I should do all that. um But I don't do all that. i I was on this live with Nate the other day. I was watching and they're just like, you know, we all owe me one meal a day and it's basically just healthy. And like, if I eat ice cream, I feel like garbage for like ah two weeks. And I was like sitting there with ice cream like, what?
01:24:29
Speaker
So, so like I was just like, man, I got to eat
Authenticity in Conversations
01:24:32
Speaker
better. But, but all of this to say, like the thing that I'm doing is a mindset shift right now. And the mindset shift is just constantly being like, if I add like, like as Sean said, like being the anxious president. So like adding to the storm, like in every scenario I get to control whether this gets worse or this gets better, right? Like they actually can't control. like they can't control themselves but like in every scenario i'll be real like i'm just definitely asleep not listening anymore but like that's what i'm doing with my wife too like she's she's pregnant and it's like
01:25:08
Speaker
Doesn't always do wonders for her mental like stability with Relationally me and so just like in every scenario like I can make this I can I can add to this or I cannot and so like every like I wanted to like Chuck my two-year-old across the room the other day because like that time and it's just like doing the whole thing the freaking out and throwing everything whatever and And, uh, yeah, I was just like, man, I can make the word strike and make this better. And so I was just like, let's play a game. Let's sing a song. And like kids asleep in like 15 minutes. And I was like, or I could yell at him and then he's just like a puddle and then happened on those five. And then like, eventually his mom's like, is everything okay? And so, yeah, that that's been my mind that shit, that that's what I'm trying. I can make this word strike and make it better. Every interaction. And I feel like that's helping.
01:25:55
Speaker
I know I'm working on that too. It's not easy work. Yeah, and we yeah me too ah Yeah, I had similar question. Is this effective or is it ineffective? So um But you know, I just want to thank everyone who's on and as you know Gus we could I love everyone who showed up tonight and I appreciate all the guests and everybody couldn't make it who said they wanted to make it but due to time just not realistic because their time zone but I I'm excited for whatever's to come next with this whole podcast endeavor and more people that I'm going to meet and continue working with John and Kimmy and all the other guests, Nate, Tommy, you know, Sean, Matt, all the other people that have been on. And I just, it's fun. The 100 episodes and having this conversation has been so enriching to me and is having, I just love having good conversations with all these, you know, real people.
01:26:39
Speaker
that yeah we're influencers but I mean they're just at the end of the day you guys are all real and that's what I love about the relationships and meeting you guys behind the scenes is just seeing the the true you and and be able to have real authentic conversation and that's my heart of this whole endeavor and podcast has been is authentic conversation sharing things that actually work for us things that we're still struggling with being authentic um And hopefully trying to, like John said earlier, is like there are so there's there's so much out there and maybe we could be part of something that is more consistent. you know I don't know, maybe I'm just part of the chat or two, but um you know my hope is that when people watch us that we do make the world and the next generation more healthy and give them a little more tools and a little less healing to do. um So yeah, any final thoughts, guys? but It's just us three, because I think everyone yeah it's late. so
01:27:31
Speaker
I think that's it. Congratulations on your 100th episode. Thanks. So awesome. I love, I love your content. I love what you do. I'm really inspired. I love that you always introduce me to the best other people out there. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Sorry. John, if you haven't met each other already, you guys, you know, you guys should talk, you know. Hey, look, Nate came back. Hey, Nate, Nate. It just shot me out and then wouldn't let me back in. Figured it out. Weirdest. I was just rapping up and just rapping. He was he was just saying he was just like the Nate guy. Other than him, everybody else. god is not ah you're Well, you're cool, and Nate. You suck. Yeah. Yeah. My name is Fogle. My last name is Fogle. And so I definitely get a lot of a super bad boy. I'm bad. Oh, umlan yeah. So um the thing out the thing I'll say to you, Travis, is that I really appreciate
01:28:21
Speaker
the the honesty and vulnerability that you're willing to share ah in this space, not just like the curated vulnerability, which is what I feel like so much of of my feed now is, is like people being like, ah kind of what Sam said earlier. He was like, yeah,
Vulnerability vs. Curated Content
01:28:37
Speaker
you have to get real though. Like that's what people are looking for. And I was like, are they looking for real? Or are they looking for like, like just real enough? And there are so many, I'm not going to name them, but like the, in my opinion, like the biggest, the biggest influencer in the parenting space, like a lot of like, sometimes I struggle, you know, like, like, you know, it's just, sometimes it's just hard to be a parent, you know? Like I get it. I'm just like you. And, and, and I just feel like your so content is not that you're confident. No, actually. sure Like it's not any better at my house than at your house. And, and, and just leading in that way.
01:29:12
Speaker
You just remind me that like, that's what I'm supposed to do. So every time I've been on your podcast, I, I, the I leave and I go, Oh yeah, I can be way more, I can be way more real than I, than like, like Travis just like was like, Oh yeah, by the way, I haven't spoken to my dad in really a really long time and let's dig into my trauma. And I would say, wow, like, okay. But like, you but now not like a jokey way. Like, I was like, wow, actually super freaking cool. Like, let's, let's do that. So that's what I appreciate about your podcast. Thank you for doing the work. Thank you for setting up something like this way past my bedtime. But I was, what I am more than happy to say it for something like that.
01:29:50
Speaker
Yeah, dude, I i appreciate it. And I think for the kind of warriors, both Kimmy and Jon, and that's always been my heart, honestly, is to do that. um I don't know, I'm trying, you know, just to be me. it's good It's good to hear that it shows and it comes out from people, because that's you never know, but thank you. what am And without bleeding, like I should say without bleeding, like there's there's this fine line. I don't i don't want them enough, like this whole like praise thing, but like there's this fine line between like vulnerability am like.
01:30:21
Speaker
So I'm going through a divorce and you understand that like, everything that's like, everything I just drank myself to sleep last night, like, look and and there's like a level of like, ooh, like that's, you're just bleeding a little bit on me. Like there's a level of like, I want the vulnerability, but I also don't like, I am not, I am not every person who had ever posted a video therapist. And so like there, you handle it in a way, anyway, here's what I'm learning. Here's the honest truth without being much. And then, Yeah, and I think that that's like that's another way to get views. You just don't do it You don't go for the views man. You like you go for the real and I and I Thank you. My wall. That's also my wife. She says if I ever go for the view she's
01:31:05
Speaker
gonna make me sleep elsewhere. Bro, so I'll teach you the ways. We'll get so many views. We'll just find bad parenting videos and just shit on them. Like, like we'll get so many views, bro. Like, it'll be drowning in views. Sounds like you want to do not sleep in your own bed. it called call i just and paul We'll call everything of brain hack, all of these. groups so Every established emotional regulation take me. I got this brain hack. People are just commenting. I can't do it, I can't, I can't do it, I can't do it. I could do it as a joke, I could do it as a straight face, and even then, no, I can't do that. Thank you. Nate, you're last to give me compliments, so.
01:31:43
Speaker
You know what? This is the honest truth. You are a good friend. Out of all of this, what I love is that I think when we first started talking, I was like, here's my number. I turned off all my Instagram notifications. So if anybody tries to reach out to me, I have to be on Instagram for you to catch me. So I'm like, here's my number. If I really need to make sure we connect. And you will literally send me a voicemail. And I can hear your kids in the background. You're like, hey, man, I just wanted to check in on you. That to me, you're such a, ah John was saying it, such a real human, but I mean, i'm I'm thinking, how can I get to California and hang out with Travis? Or someone will be like, my wife will be like, who are you on the phone with? I was like, oh, that's my buddy Travis. Like this, is you are my friend. And that is actually one of the greatest things that. I love about you is that you just you like your personality is to, or it's a skill you've developed, is to check in on the people that you care about and see how they are. And and every time I get that, it's like, oh, Travis possesses me. And you're like, just want to know how the family's doing, all of those things, man, that less stuff, it gos it just means it shows, if if people question your,
01:32:59
Speaker
Authenticity, I can speak to it without skipping a beat because I see it every time we chat. And it's offline more than it is online. That's what I love. Thanks, Nate. Yeah, man. I see John's number. So, but you know, I don't have it. I mean, well, I did DM you in the middle of the night, so I'm glad that we... you I was like, hey, well, like, come on in. I was laughing at them on our last conversation that I DM dads in the middle of the night when my insomnia was coming out with my dad books. I was just like DM dads in the middle of the night. And that's how I met a lot of my friends. and My husband's really cool with that for my work. It's for my job. I'm not going to respond, but you can go ahead. be I sleep now. My children sleep now. So that that part of my outreach strategy is you should make a course about that.
01:33:48
Speaker
you
Value of Online Friendships
01:33:49
Speaker
should turn him off but Sleep now. that's the nexthow That's the next brain hack, John, right there. yeah there You understand that I am currently riding, like, I'm currently riding the follower wave from calling, like, a basic sleep technique, a brain hack. Currently, like, currently checking on that video. Only growth I had in, like, six months. It's okay. We got to get off the algorithm and be authentic. That's what I say. Forget the answer. Well, guys and gals, thank you so much. And everyone in Nate, Daz, you try on the chat. i I love that you were kind of so you that kind of you were so engaged in the chat. and Nate, ah Nate's another new friend of mine. I'm been getting to know over at Daz who tried Nate and Tommy over there. Good guys. We should have brought him up here.
01:34:31
Speaker
I know I tried to, they they came late and he joined this instead of the other Link, so I'll talk to him about it. I'm like, you put the wrong Link, we gave you both, but you know, it's fine. um But I just wanted to just thank you all for the 100th episode, it's great. I'm looking forward to whatever comes next and definitely having all three of these on again, because you know at this point, I think returning guests is just more fun. I love new people, by the way. I just, returning guests, we already have friendship and we could talk about more fun things. Actually, John, we need to have you on for your book, so. Eventually. Eventually. I keep, people keep being like, let me get you on to talk about punishment, free parenting. And I'm always just like, can we just like make sure that people can buy the book before they like listen to the episode? And they're like, this is great. Where can I find more? Well, I'm like, in four months. Well, the lemonade stand. Is it the lemonade stand? In four months. Lemonade stand, that's what I was thinking. Right, just like go to Tim Park, Illinois.
01:35:22
Speaker
You just start cruising around looking for lemonade stance. That doesn't feel creepy at all. That doesn't feel creepy one bit. Good, bound copy. Well, thank you all. And as an inclusion, yeah, honestly, the greatest pleasure has been you know meeting you all. And like Nate said, like honestly, i think I think I'm realizing later my my gifting has been to build relationships. And um I like that about me and I think I've learned to all like like like actually like that part of me who I am like building friendships because when I was and like a kid in high school I struggled with with friend groups because I always found myself bouncing between every friend group because I could always find a friend but I never felt like I could fit in because I because I would go to this group this group this group this group and so the other group should look at me like hey you know, he's different because I could go to everybody and have a friend. I think the longest time I always struggled, but I'm realizing more and more that that is really a gifting. And and I think what has been cool is meeting amazing people like you three among all the other ones that have been on that I'm like, I really enjoy that I'm able to talk to really, you know, pretty much anybody and just have a real conversation because I just enjoy that. I enjoy real conversation with people. So, um,
01:36:33
Speaker
Thank you guys and we're gonna close out now and then I'll have you guys on soon again. So happy hundredth, everybody.
Conclusion and Future Gratitude
01:36:39
Speaker
Happy hundred. Good night, everyone. Good night, everybody.