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So This Is 40: Reflecting on Growth, Therapy, and Life Changes
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📅 Upcoming Event: 🚀 Announcing the eight-week men's cohort starting on October 28th, hosted by Travis and Pierre @braver.man. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or in need of community, this group is for you! 💬 Connect with like-minded men, learn stress management, and build meaningful relationships. Join the journey to becoming an integrated man.
🎂 Episode Title: So This Is 40 🎂
Join us in this special episode where our host, Travis Goodman (@integratedmanproject), reflects on turning 40 and shares his incredible, deeply personal journey. Joined by his buddy Sam Powers (@swamipowers), this episode dives into the challenges, growth, and wisdom that come with reaching this milestone.
✨ Highlights:
- 🌟 Travis's therapy journey from his early 20s, exploring emotions like anger, sadness, grief, and feelings of inadequacy.
- 🧘♂️ The importance of stillness and self-reflection in modern life.
- 💪 Balancing parenthood and self-care, with humorous stories about early-rising kids and sleepless nights.
- 🎸 Bonding over music, from nostalgic albums to live concerts.
- 📚 Book recommendations to guide you through life's meaningful moments.
🔍 Important Themes:
- Authentic Relationships:Building deeper connections over societal metrics of success.
- Personal Growth:Embracing therapy, self-awareness, and continuous improvement.
- Life Transitions:The importance of adaptability and achieving personal fulfillment, regardless of age.
We'd love to hear your thoughts! Drop an email to [email protected] share your own experiences with turning 40.
#Podcast #MentalHealth #Turning40 #SelfCare #PersonalGrowth #TheIntegratedManProject #MenSupportingMen #TherapyJourney #LifeReflections #PodcastLive #MusicAndMemories #FamilyFirst #Adulting
🔔 Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe for more heartfelt conversations and insights from The Integrated Man Project!
📆 Tune in and level up your journey to becoming an integrated man. 🚀
Thank you for all the support!
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Check out the Website: IntegratedManProject.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Men's Cohort Announcement
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's episode of the integrated man project podcast. Before we jump into this week's episode, which was a really, really fun episode to do with my buddy, Sam powers about turning 40 and a bit about my story. Um, I wanted to talk about a.
00:00:16
Speaker
men's cohort group starting on October 28th. It's an eight-week cohort um which is going to be co-run with myself and my good friend Pierre. He is a clinically board-certified psychiatrist and a men's coach.
00:00:32
Speaker
I myself am a licensed therapist and men's coach. And with both of us combined, we have numerous decades of experience in training. And this is for guys who are feeling stuck, feeling overwhelmed, kind of lacking community in brotherhood, maybe having some success in business yet feeling unfulfilled, maybe feeling disconnected or burnt out, maybe even a drift in a life transition. And this is for these men. And part of the group is we meet weekly for eight weeks via Zoom.
00:00:59
Speaker
where you're going to have community, we're going to be teaching as well as having relationships and teaching skills. and having conversations around building a purpose, having an understanding and harnessing the power of your nervous system with tools and skills to help deal with stress more effectively, building self-discipline and healthy habits, and really, most importantly, creating meaningful connections with other like-minded men. And this is something you're interested in, or if you know men in your life that would be interested,
00:01:29
Speaker
There's still a few spots left. Again, we start two weeks from just under two weeks, October 28th. The link for that will be in the description of this episode. Click on that. Share that with those who might need it. um Again, spots are filling up. Only have a few remaining. I'm very excited to do this, and we will something I'm excited to do on my platform And what I'm doing is offering more kind of intimate groups like this. um This is going to be one of many. And again, starting October 28th. So that's something you are interested in. Go ahead and check out the link in the description. And as far as the episode goes, this is a very fun, very unique, special
Interview with Sam Powers: Life Journey and Turning 40
00:02:08
Speaker
episode. I kind of said it earlier, my buddy, good friend, Sam Powers.
00:02:12
Speaker
He actually interviews me and you get to hear a bit more about my story, my journey growing up through high school, my early twenties, kind of how I became a therapist and a whole bunch of stuff around music and just other fun things. Um, it's a live episode. It's kind of uncut it's raw. Um, so hope you enjoy it.
00:02:37
Speaker
We're live on Instagram. Hold on. Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the Integrated Man Project podcast. We're live on multiple places. We're live here on YouTube, on my YouTube channel, on LinkedIn, and on Instagram.
00:02:55
Speaker
So if you would like to join the show, um this kind of fun episode, please join in on any of the platforms, comment, ask your questions. It's gonna be a fun episode tonight with my buddy Sam. Little different of a episode. Usually you know me as the interviewer. um If you're new to the show, this is welcome.
00:03:18
Speaker
Um, but usually you used to be asking guests and talking to guests, but this time is a little different. Um, me and Sam, actually Sam kind of pitched this idea to me a little bit ago. He's been on the podcast a few times and he's like, Hey, what if we do a show about turning 40 and I interview you? And I'm like, that sounds fun. And so I made it more fun to go live and not be able to edit any of this. So it's going to be real raw, uncut.
00:03:41
Speaker
um Oh man, this is, we're we're we're flying, ah we're we're going without a net, which is so beautiful. Yeah. And we were just talking, it's kind of like playing live music, which I used to do. You may or may not know that those are listening. You used to do a lot of live shows, live music, and it is different. You get out there, you get the adrenaline going. It's it's fun. you You know, you can't do an edit. It's just, it is what it is. Yeah. So.
00:04:08
Speaker
Welcome Sam to the podcast and the interview. Um, how was your night so far? it's Hey man, you know, post bed time. It's the whole thing. yeah I mean, you did it. Yep. I did it. We're here. It's going to be great. So.
Host's Personal Background and Early Life
00:04:28
Speaker
For everyone, I'm Sam Powers, Sam Powers Coaching. I've been a acquaintance and a friend and a colleague with Travis for the last couple of years. And we've done a couple of podcasts. And i this was kind of based off of some of our voice message um dialogues that we go back and forth with. um And so this is this is really fun because um we get to know Travis.
00:04:56
Speaker
And Travis usually gets to know us, the guests, so much that I was like, this will be really fun. And he had this monumental thing happen, which he turned 40 this year. i'm I've blown past that by a few years, unfortunately. But in even thinking about this episode, I was like, man, if I could go back and be in the place that I am now when I was 40. How much, I mean, our journeys are part of our journey and our stories are story. But if I could go back and tell my 40 year old self like, hey, like you don't need to worry about all this stuff, it would have been so much easier. I probably would have put myself through a lot less stuff. So Travis Goodman, you're 40 years old.
00:05:56
Speaker
Yes. You reside in the greater of Orange County area, is that true? Yes, the greater, the southern tip of Orange County, I would say, on the south. Awesome. Yeah. And give us give us your snapshot. You are partnered to a lovely person.
00:06:15
Speaker
Yes, I am married 14 years to my wife um Anna and have three bras Thank you. I know 14. It's weird to say that 14 years. It's like that's been 14 years um You know, it's Yeah. It's a, um, I remember hitting 10 and it was a milestone of, Oh my gosh, 10 years. You just don't, you don't think about that. Um, and. You know, your grid for just the time of being married and going through so many things that we've gone through and kids and all that stuff, like, wow, 14 years. So I'm really proud of that. I have three kids, two boys and a girl, seven, five, and almost three going on.
00:06:57
Speaker
You know, definitely 13 already, for sure, my daughter. For sure. That third one's a spicy take, isn't it? She's real—and tonight's—I mean, she is—she is very—it's so—it's so spicy. Like, all three are so different, but she's got this extra but pizzazz of something, and I don't know.
00:07:20
Speaker
with her but i find myself thinking man she's not even three because she's got this adorably cute sweet oh yeah like like really you see kind of the natural nurturer in her like but three kids you definitely see nature and nurture like without doubt yeah you see ah ah when they're real young you see a lot of nature um just they're just a natural inclinations without us coaching trying to push anything colors what we know favorite toys we just just kind of follow their lead and she definitely has this natural mothering
00:07:57
Speaker
soft, very, you know, classic, what you think, princess, you know, gems, pink. We don't push colors on our kids. I don't like my wife and I- Unicorns. Unicorns. Unicorns. Unicorns and leopard skin and- You know leopard skin, yeah. It's a lot of pink, gems, unicorns, horses, ah shiny things, loves pink though, but we don't even like pink. My wife, the pink my wife likes is more of like the muted, you know. Like bov?
00:08:26
Speaker
yeah More of a mauve, a dusty rose. A dusty rose, not like pink, like she likes pink. Yeah. Anyway, all to say she's got that, but then you flip the coin and it's utter feral, muddy, dirty, rabid, wild child. So it's either or. So that's what I'm saying. It's like there's something in there, something in the water. I have a reverse osmosis because that's what we do at 40. You know, you put things in your house and Maybe that you get excited about like appliances you do and break that don't fall apart i love it I Love it. Yeah, that's me a little bit about me Okay, so you're 40 years old and I know that at one time you weren't always planning on to become a therapist or a mental health professional No, no
00:09:18
Speaker
Would you mind sharing with us just a little bit about that transition from your original maybe passion or career and and how you moved into um mental health? If you're open with that.
00:09:33
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. So my journey to becoming a therapist, I won't say it was long, um but it was definitely a journey. It wasn't a straight, you know, I knew exactly what I wanted to do type of shot. In fact, in high school,
00:09:52
Speaker
um kind of early high school, I definitely, I think was more set on joining the military. So, you know. a Really? Yeah, so those that are new to this, you know, obviously live is different, but people that are listening to, have listened to the podcast for a long time have heard me talk about this, but my dad was in the military. Okay. He was in the Navy. So I kind of grew up around going to air shows and going to my dad's, you know, military, just to stuff in the military family, going and and different,
00:10:21
Speaker
Promotions and just a different events. And yeah, in fact, I was born in Hawaii Because my dad was stationed there and what island ah waho connie oi um no a oh Charles. was No, they player triple Air Force Base. I was born there. Okay. Yep, which is like the big pinkish looking hospital but If you're in downtown Honolulu look on the mountain, it's actually still pink. We'll pinkish. Yep um born there and Was it VP4, I think he was part of? I forget, VP4. He was aviation, so flew P3s. And they they were the ones that hunted submarines like during the Cold War and post-Cold War. They'd drop these kind of sona boys and they'd fly above and essentially track Russian submarines, which is kind of cool. My dad did that. I was like, oh, that's kind of fun. that's That's like straight hunt for Red October style. It's totally, it's that was actually one of my favorites as a kid. And I'm i'm fully aging myself because like I remember
00:11:18
Speaker
For all of you listening, I'm 46. So I'm a few few advanced years ahead of Travis. So yeah these were kind of big movies when we were teens. Oh yeah. i would love Oh my gosh. Sean Connery. um It was a great movie. I love Hunter Fred October, the music in it. It was one of my favorite movies I did. So Top Gun, right? So I wanted to be either, you know, I wanted to fly an F-14 like Maverick, or I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, like from The Rock, right, with, you know, again, John Connery and Nicholas Cage, you know, in his heyday. um That's what I wanted to be. And and that was well as my heart was set on that. and um i You know, I talked with Navy SEALs, I talked with pilots because my dad had used the Navy. So he's like, hey, talk to these people, whatever.
00:12:04
Speaker
In fact, I actually even applied to the Naval Academy at one ah applied there ended up not going and Actually because my what kind of shifted things is my senior year of high school um My parents separated and so okay um I remember that was kind of a shock in the sense that I remember them calling us in and it might have been just me This is a little blurry Yeah, but I I'm pretty sure they said me and my brother both down at the same time, but It's a little vague, but I remember standing behind the couch and I don't remember the full conversation what really just still to me was more hate we're getting Separated and I remember just being shocked in the sense that There were in my mind. There was no signs I mean there's no like fighting no yelling no screaming to me. It was just we had a normal family um Yeah
00:12:58
Speaker
You know because there was no there's no evident things that would have pointed to me the light Oh, they're heading towards divorce because I had friends that have that and I heard talking about it but so it was shot totally out left field and and then at the time actually my my dad was a pastor at the time um and stepped down from church he went back to full-time active duty in the military and and moved down to San Diego. We were living in Santa Clarita at the time. Magic Mountain area for those that don't know where that is. Kind of north L.A. County, small little town. Well not small, it's actually probably 300,000 now. but And I have a yeah younger brother, me and my mom.
00:13:41
Speaker
and Kind of didn't know what I wanted to do at a high school like I thought I knew I'd do but then that happened and I just kind of was like kind of felt a little lost not sure where to go So I just went to junior college after just goes Yeah, I mean basic GE's and then i'm like I don't know those ah those are inexpensive college credits to get yeah yeah just like sure we'll just do that I don't know and then moved to San Diego um which was great and my I moved in at the time my parents
00:14:14
Speaker
I was going to move down there because a lot of my best friends moved to San Diego post-high school, so like I should move there because a lot of my friend groups moved. and um and But my mom and my dad decided to try their marriage again, so they all we all moved together. um Wow. Yeah, we lived in Point Loma.
00:14:32
Speaker
and um Yeah, I was living in the house. It was kind of weird with my mom and my dad, just kind of, it was more awkward than anything, like weird silences when they, but my dad was living there and he was kind of on base half time at the house half the time. But I was working full time at Starbucks and started doing more junior college just to keep doing credits and at the time I was a math major. I was a math major, I was good at math, it came naturally to me. Yeah, what? I was a math major.
00:15:04
Speaker
This is incredible. I mean, this is. Yeah, it's different. Most people. Wow. No, no, no, no, it's not different. I'm just like this is so amazing to you. I'll i'll we'll revisit this, so keep going, sorry. This is just so cool. Yeah, math major and um then I started going to San Diego State. I got to San Diego State as an applied mathematics major with a computer science minor um and did one semester and hated it.
00:15:35
Speaker
I'm really bored. I had no passion. I had a really bad physics teacher. Yeah, a little bad. It was like a, in fact, I remember his first class. It was one of those massive like 500 person lecture hall at the new state. oh yes And his opening was, I don't like teaching. I'm only here because I have to teach. I'm on rotation off of research and I have to teach. Don't ask me questions. I won't answer them. Talk to my TAs.
00:16:02
Speaker
that was the most difficult class I've ever taken oh my gosh it was awful it was that's terrifying it was yeah calculus based physics so it was just like Anyway, that class nearly broke me, and I think often the average test scores were like 50%, and it was all curved, right? So that became now the A. So it tells you this guy, he couldn't teach. I mean, he was just reading stories strictly from the book, but he never showed how to do a problem. Nothing, and the TAs were kind of useless. yeah And so, anyway, I was doing that, i and I worked my tail off, and I passed the class, but I just really didn't, I didn't have a passion.
00:16:43
Speaker
So I just stopped doing that and decided to take a break because I'm like, why am I going now? Now I'm paying more money at San Diego State. Yeah, it clearly junior College and I was paying for myself at the time it was kind of weird like my parents were gonna pay but then I I had to take out loans. It was kind of a weird phase Yeah back then. I think it was probably 20 that's probably 20 at this time um so 20 years ago and Stopped my dad did not like that idea And then I stopped I remember telling him in the house and he was very upset and then i I'm just I'm gonna work and and then I moved out at the time of my parents house cuz I just couldn't take
00:17:31
Speaker
I needed to move out. It was just, it wasn't like toxic or like, it wasn't overtly like, no one was, there was no nastiness. It was just like a weird, thick, ambient awkwardness. So it was just like, trying to family, but. It was just uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable. I remember, yeah, there was a Christmas and that's what made me, I had to move out. We had this Christmas and it was probably the most awkward Christmas of my entire life. Just, just weird tension and.
00:17:59
Speaker
There's odd silences and you're like, do we it just was really weird. um So like I gotta move out. So I moved out with my friends.
Therapy, Personal Growth, and Career Shift
00:18:08
Speaker
There was four of us in a two bedroom condo, you know two guys in a room. So it was kind of like college. That was much better. I'm so glad I moved out. Financially, I was you know i was paycheck to paycheck. I was working at Starbucks. But mentally and emotionally, way better. you know like yeah I could relax and you know with my friends. It wasn't like this weird tension.
00:18:28
Speaker
And my parents separate again and and then I started studying I went a totally different route decided to study theology So I got a degree in theology Which actually I loved it was yeah really exciting um You know studying old, you know old these old, you know study the Old Testament and old books and studying the you know just that was actually a lot of fun doing you know some Hebrew and So I actually enjoyed that and I didn't have to feel like it was um i didn't feel like it was laborious. I actually enjoyed reading the history and the people groups and the context and you know all this stuff about how it came to be and so that was just exciting. So I finished a degree in that and and then started a masters which moved me up to Riverside of all places away from the beach.
00:19:19
Speaker
Up to Riverside. That's that was a smart move, but it ended up being smart. Don't worry um At the time I remember I wasn't I was hesitant to move to like I'm moving away But I I had this sense that I need to follow this path Yeah, but I'm moving away from all my friends away from the beach back to like Potville and Riverside You know just what am I doing? So I did that and then at the time my parents were my mom was in an apartment My dad they were definitely separated, but then they tried to work on the marriage like the fourth time That time and I'm like, so I moved back in with them cuz I'm like, I don't know my goodness I'll move in cuz they moved up there I moved in for a few months just because I didn't and have a room. I didn't know who to rent with Yeah, so I did that
00:20:04
Speaker
um And then my first intensive, you know, how the master's program for that was broken up was like classes, classes, and there'd to be like these weekend intensives. I was like three days, all day long, you know, super intense coursework with big papers, a lot of, you know, a lot of reading. And my mom called me up on the second day of the intensive and was like, Hey, we're officially divorced. And I was like,
00:20:28
Speaker
so Wow. I remember wow i'm ever staring out at the hills of Riverside in Corona. I was living in Corona at the time. The hills of Corona. The beautiful hills of Corona. Yeah, beautifully dry and, you know, um hot.
00:20:42
Speaker
And so I remember telling my professor, I'm like, hey, I think I need to like, like I just could, for whatever reason, my everything just shut down. Like my brain just and just is just kind of just zoned out, dis you know, disassociated, disconnected, whatever I want to call it. yeah yeah And um my professor's like, hey, take all the time you need. Don't worry about it. Like, you know, you're cool.
00:21:05
Speaker
At the time I was actually attending a church and the church I was at um actually had a therapist on staff and They said hey ah a couple of friends said maybe she talked to her and I never was in therapy prior never thought about therapy. I had no like I I honestly had no negative like barriers to therapists because I just didn't I remember stuff from TV at the time like you know therapists on TV and and stuff and psychologists but um I never had any like hell no I'm not gonna do that so I yeah at the time I was kind of like I didn't know what to do but people I trusted said go talk to this person so I was like I
00:21:47
Speaker
Sure. I'll go, I'll go do that. And so it didn't really matter there. They were the therapist. So for me personally, there wasn't like this kind of apprehension to go. right I think I was in a place of like, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do right now, but that sounds great. You know, yeah trust you people. I know I respect you people. I love you guys. I know you care for me. Sure. And so then that started me doing therapy pretty much on a weekly basis.
00:22:11
Speaker
Oh, so beautiful, right? Yeah, and that was, you know, had no idea what to expect at all. um Now I do. Because because because where you you brought 22, 23 when that, when you started to do... That's by 22.
00:22:30
Speaker
Okay. um Yeah, 22. Give or take. It's 22-ish. So early 2000s, this was you know probably, two that yeah, 2006, 2007, somewhere right in there. Yeah, so I was 22, 23 in that ballpark. I don't remember exactly. It was the fall I started. So it was probably, if I if i was 23, I probably just turned 23. Mm-hmm.
00:22:56
Speaker
and it was that fall. I might've been 22. Again, doesn't really matter. But I started doing that and just from then on, it was kind of a ride, a journey of unknown and then started kind of like, things would get serious in therapy and asking these very serious questions and I'm like, I don't have an answer. I don't have an answer. Started journaling a lot. I was a good student.
00:23:24
Speaker
you know, in that sense, like, sure, I'll journal, I'll do what I need to do, and I'll ask myself these questions, I'll sit there and reflect and... You were doing the work. You were literally doing the work before you knew you were doing the work. Right. Exactly. And so I started journaling and started reflecting and and going through, and then we started asking questions about, you know, my anger, and I'm like, but I'm not angry. You know, I'm like, I'm not angry, you're angry. And...
00:23:54
Speaker
Other questions like my role in the family and I'm like, what do you mean? Like this is, you know, it's all new information to me. Um, yeah you know, and so what I did was I just told her my story. of Like I was the oldest brother and my parent, you know, his parents separated. I just kind of kept the family together. And so she's like, Oh, what was that? Like, you know, classic therapist question. And I never seen, they're like, you know, that was all, it was hard. It was awful. Right. So then of course, you know, you open up in therapy because that's their Jedi mind trick tricksters and they know how to, the greatest.
00:24:23
Speaker
Open yep, and then she's you know how to use the force And then she's like and then she would send me home with you know kind of Journaling exercises to kind of go deeper and I would and so I found out a lot about myself about my role as the oldest son or just the oldest kid and you know just how I coped with it versus my brother and my mom and my dad and I you know, how my anger was more, and I realized that I was angry, um, but different than what I, it wasn't when I, what I, what I thought of anger was like screaming, yelling, breaking stuff, which was more of my brother. Um, and so he coped with it and not that it's bad, it's just different. And I coped with it more internally by kind of just like pushing it down. And I just would work and kept busy and keep, keep my cool and make sure everyone was okay. And, um,
00:25:17
Speaker
and wasn't in touch with my really my anger. It was kind of very much way below the surface, and so I started unpacking that, getting in touch with it, and realizing, oh, I have a lot of anger, and behind that anger is a lot of, stuff obviously, sadness and grief and loss and feelings of not being enough, and all this stuff started, of course, surfacing, which what we we do as therapists, and so I definitely experienced this. yeah And then found a pattern of coping. A big one for me was getting into relationships during the holiday season,
00:25:47
Speaker
to not be, to feel lonely. So we always inevitably find a girl to date and kind of get through the holiday season, be really, really committed, really, really like 150% in, talking marriage, I love you, all that stuff. And I think to some degree, there is some genuineness in there. Like I wasn't trying to manipulate or I think at the time I really believed that's what I was feeling and thinking.
00:26:13
Speaker
But of course, when you start therapy, you're it's like taking you know the red pill in the matrix and start to see things, then you can't not see it. And so um I was dating someone at the time um while doing therapy and that was an interesting process because I was very now becoming aware of my tendencies.
00:26:33
Speaker
My distracting coping mechanisms all those things and I'm in the middle of dating and I think at first I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't Avoiding and distracting by dating during the holiday season, but I couldn't see not see that anymore So of course, I just saw it directly and it was that aha moment of like, oh, wow I'm just trying to escape my own grief essentially um Wow, and that was I mean one That is, and and that is such a cruel, it just it its it's like this beautiful gift, but it's such a cruel billboard to where it's like, as as it's like shining on you and you're just like, okay, oh, I get it. yeah I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And I did get it.
00:27:28
Speaker
And so then you you went to you went back to school? Then I broke up with it. Because at that point, it was like probably my first genuine breakup of... Oh, yeah.
00:27:42
Speaker
Hey, I'm realizing. That heartache. I'm realizing what I'm doing. And these were good. All the girls I dated at the time, they're nice people, they were fine. yeah And at the time i was I was a nice person too. It was nothing ever mean, but it was like the first time my real break, because before I'd break up out of avoidance of getting hurt. And so I would end things before they did.
00:28:04
Speaker
That was part of my therapy realization of like I would get super committed and then when I feel get too close I would push away and self-sabotage We could end it and so I didn't have to be vulnerable and get hurt cuz I was afraid of becoming like my parents essentially um And so for her when I had this realization from therapy, I'm like, hey, I think I'm doing this pattern I'm i'm realizing I'm in therapy. I'm realizing this stuff now about me and I'm honestly I kind of have to end it and I know this is a crappy thing to hear and I'm so you know kind of really owning it like I'm really sorry and I'm realizing essentially that while I do like you I care about you I really genuinely did I think my really deep deep deep motivation is to escape being alone um and so I think that's not a good reason to be with you and I don't want that
00:28:50
Speaker
Like, cause inevitably what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna end up breaking up with you anyway. Because of my utter real motivation is deep fear. Of course that's why I'm here. That was not easy for me to hear that. I understand. And you were 23 when you did this? Yeah, or close to 24. I've been 24 at that time. This is later into the therapy process. It was not like week one. It was probably a little while in.
00:29:18
Speaker
Wow, that is, power that is, it's so powerful. I mean, I'm just, I want to reflect that like you're 24. Like I did not have that self-awareness. I'm just saying like that is no wonder you're so good at what you do now because that emotional intelligence or at least that awareness that has led you to this point.
00:29:48
Speaker
you know, was embedded because I can speak for myself like at 24, I was not emotionally emotionally intelligent in any way, shape or form. And um I mean, what a gift that that first therapist and that that therapeutic journey was for you and like how powerful it's it's led you to this place where you share this wisdom with all of us. Yeah, thank you.
00:30:18
Speaker
Appreciate the kind words That's it's the truth though. Yeah, and she was a great therapist. I think really it's up. It was a lot of her He was great. I felt really safe and connected with her. So I think that that really was enabled me to press into Authenticity and you know, it was definitely you you know, it was not perfect. It was a lot of bumps along the way but once I got that I then didn't date for almost a couple years until I met my wife, now now wife. And at the time too, how I got in the therapy note, this is a longer winded answer question, you know, longer winded response to your question, but it kind of needs that to really get a sense of who I am and how I got here. Context is key. Yeah. and yeah
00:31:04
Speaker
It really is. You have to know someone's story, um which is what I talk about all the time on my platform. Everything is like you have to understand someone's story to really get to know why they do what they do today. If you don't, then you're going to be misjudging them up left and right. um yeah And so at that point, then I ended the things with her, kept doing therapy, and she she actually asked me a question. My therapist, hey, have you thought about becoming a therapist? And I remember kind of like, I never thought about that.
00:31:30
Speaker
um And so I started thinking about that and began to like look into, okay, what is that what does that look like to be a therapist? What do you have to do? Because I had no idea what you had to do or how long or any of those things yeah um until I found out. And then it was, I want to say a rude awakening, but it was an awakening of like, oh, this is a process. It's not, you know, it takes a while.
00:31:51
Speaker
um yeah So ah I did and and I knew in my like deepest sense of myself that I knew I wanted to sit and be with people and navigate them through pain, difficulty, grief. And so I knew I wanted to find something like that and when I started looking into what a therapist does and what my therapist did for me, I'm like, yeah, it kind of aligns that way.
00:32:11
Speaker
And my therapist encouraged me saying hey, I think you might actually be good. I think you might be a good therapist um And so I started asking people I had a couple um I had a mentor at the time and um I was looking at school. I had a lot of fear on finances um Taking out loans cuz I was living on my own I didn't i I had I would have to pay for everything and and yeah said a lot of anxiety and fear about like you know, is it worth the risk, you know, with the risk of it all, like what, you know, the what if questions. And so I sought out some mentorship and questions and really was encouraged to think, but then really encouraged that kind of helped me find that, no, I really wanted to take the risk. um So I went back to school, got a second bachelor's in psychology, which, and I've, you know, aced every class. And that was a big turning point for me. I was actually excited to go to school.
00:33:04
Speaker
um I was never really excited, even in high school, junior high, I never had any excitement or like vigor to like go to class and learn things. I went and I had fun, I had some fun classes and stuff like that, but there was nothing ever like I need to go. But when I started doing this,
00:33:27
Speaker
I like ate every book up and just read everything, like just everything and got A's and they were easy because I was excited to learn. So I didn't really have to, like I had to study and read, but it just kind of came naturally. It wasn't like versus my other degree of math. I was like, why am I just like, it was laboring like before. This was like, I'm ready to go. Let me learn. I'm excited. This is fun. And so I did that.
00:33:54
Speaker
I was working full-time during the day, did full-time night school, and then I applied for grad school um because then I'm like, what do you do next? Oh, you got to go to grad school to be a therapist. Cool. I didn't know that. You know, again, I'm like learning as I go. So applied to grad school and I got accepted at Cal State Fullerton.
00:34:13
Speaker
um and got into their night program or their their grad program for counseling psychology and I did it and it was like a two and a half year program which is the fastest you could do it. I did it in, I took one more semester, did it in three because I was working full time um during the day and full time, essentially it's pretty much full time grad school.
00:34:35
Speaker
um Yeah, but three I mean one semester extra is not that much of a difference in like graduate school courses because they're all massive um And before I started grad school though my wife I got married and so I met my wife at the time First time I dated when I wasn't trying to not be alone. And so that was a big sign. for me I was like, this is different I'm not trying to escape loneliness or grief or sadness and and so I knew something right away, something was different with her and with me. um We dated for a year, got married pretty much a year to date. um i kind of wow like And she knew too, we both knew. I think I prepared eight months in.
00:35:17
Speaker
Um, and we got married and then I finished and that's like right before I started grad school, we got married. Um, and, uh, yeah, got married, did grad school three years. Um, then graduated in grad school, 2014,
00:35:38
Speaker
10 years ago, graduated. And now flash forward, you know, three kids later, 10 years later, 10 years older with more gray hair. So there you go. That is an incredible, like as as an opening statement i for anyone who's listening or not listening, like it's a truly powerful testament to your potential.
00:36:07
Speaker
because something that I read, there's a ah great book called Hidden Potential by Adam Grant. and oh yeah yeah it's I love his work, and and but he said something really, really powerful in Hidden Potential. He said, you know truly great performers and people that are thought leaders and innovators and Mavericks. He goes, they know when to stop the car.
00:36:36
Speaker
and try a different direction. Yeah. and and it's for And this is an inspiration for anyone of any age that it's never you're never too old. you're never where you If you're driving down the wrong road, it's okay to stop the car and try a different path. Yeah, yeah.
00:37:03
Speaker
And I mean, that's just something that is so interesting because, you know, now that you're here, you're 40 years old. You know, we as men, you know, we are conditioned Um, you know, I mean, I'm a child of the eighties. So are you a little, you know, I remember, I probably remember the eighties a little more. yeah Um, but it's so funny because like, I remember when my parents friends would turn 40 and they do like the over the hill parties and the black balloons and, and it's so interesting because, Oh gosh. And I'm like.
00:37:40
Speaker
It's so interesting because, you know, for you and me, you know, one of, I mean, for one of, for one of my mental health heroes is Carl Jung. And he said that life starts at 40 and i I truly believe that now. Oh yeah. Yeah. And it's almost as if we're ushering into this new paradigm where we, we've tried on all the things that we thought we could do. Yeah.
00:38:07
Speaker
we we got to this point, which we are blessed that we're just here, first off. And you know then it's like, okay, we made it this far. this is this some For some reason, our culture has deemed this a humongously you know or massively huge transition from I guess we're leaving our first four decade you know are decades behind.
00:38:38
Speaker
And it's interesting, like I thought about this, I was like, for you turning 40, we talked about this, it's like, what's one myth that you believed for so long until you turned 40? Was there something, like there was was there is an ideal, was there an expectation that
00:39:00
Speaker
You know, when you arrived at this age. Yeah.
00:39:08
Speaker
was there Was there like ah an idea or something that you were like, oh man, when I turn 40, this is gonna happen, or this is how it's gonna be, or this is what I'm, you know, is that I'm gonna have this tada, like opening of, you know, my wisdom, or, you know, is there anything that you arrived at 40 at with thinking like, oh, this isn't true? Or like, if was there a cultural narrative that you thought like something radical was gonna be?
Reflections on Turning 40 and Future Outlook
00:39:38
Speaker
Yeah, that's a good question. I think at 40, you know, I think back of even, and I remember when I turned 40, it was kind of one of those weird moments of like, Oh my God, I'm 40. Right. Like it's like, Oh, I'm at that, I'm at that number. And I don't know why in my head it's like that number, but it was that number. And thinking of being that number, what it was supposed to represent. And I think at the time it felt, it felt so old. Um, and.
00:40:09
Speaker
And I think because of that, I didn't know really what to expect. um o I think I just felt like something should be, it was more of like a feeling of like something should be different, something should be unique or something should be, you know, um farther along whatever that's supposed to mean farther along and that again and I don't know what farther along I'm supposed to be farther along in if that makes sense like I just felt this because I think when you're like it I thought back to high school like what I envisioned 40 40 in high school was like this ancient dino based on these parties you talked about where it's like yeah
00:40:51
Speaker
my My parents and their friends are doing these weird 40-year old parties with weird funny cards like over the hill and all these things. Oh, yeah canes and glasses and stuff and um and Sorry looking at questions here John at whole parent whol yes I'll have his question a second. He asked hey my question is I'm 32. How can I have so much hair as you do by 40? Double mine right now to get there ah John. Oh John, I love John. I forgot, I forgot we're live streaming. I'm like yeah so involved that I continued. Yeah, I know we are we are live streaming. um Yeah, that's a good question John. um You know, I think I have to say genetics. I think is the only thing I could say. well And I'm gonna just vouch for Travis. great Travis has got great genetics.
00:41:45
Speaker
Because when he posts some of those those throwback photos, I'm like, God, that's a great head of hair. Oh, thanks. It has receded. I will say it's gone up but before when I was in my early thirties. It's a half inch per kid. There you go. yeah I guess so, John, you better start having kids, buddy. So I think that's the.
00:42:04
Speaker
That's the thing no more kids John stop right now um So the aha thing I think looking at 40 I think my biggest thing was a flashback from high school like by 40 you have these expectations that you're gonna have You know three kids, a massive house, have this job. And it's, you know, it's kind of this weird ideal. And 40 just felt so old. But now that I'm 40, I don't feel ancient. In fact, I feel very much like Carl Jung said is that I feel like my life is actually really beginning. I feel, I do feel wiser. I have more knowledge. um I do have more gray hair, that's true, ah from having kids. But at 40, it's like, I don't want to go back to 20.
00:42:42
Speaker
um oh god Like good. I'm good at 40 like I'm good knowing that I have I have like a Real clear vision and purpose of who I am and what I want to continue to do and I know it'll evolve with time But I'm married to an amazing woman that at 20. I wasn't um We have a great relationship. I love my kids parenting is one of the hardest things ever Hence the gray hair and probably receding hairline one inch per kid But but Yeah, I think now at 40, I think I'm really defining what that means moving forward. And honestly, I feel probably the greatest I've felt in a long time. Um, I'm sleeping more now because my kids are sleeping better. I think for a good seven years, I was not sleeping at all. Cause my kids slept horribly. It wasn't their fault. Um, but our kids just weren't the, they didn't have the gift of sleep. Like some of our other friends did. It is what it is. It's not bad. It's just, I had friends, kids that like, they slept great. Never woke up on my dude. My kids wake up like 50,000 times a night.
00:43:40
Speaker
every day, every single day i for like seven years. mike My kids the same way. My kids, so I, and solidarity on that. It's so tiring. um Thank you. I feel, it's always good. And I bless those that have kids that sleep. I don't wish it on anybody. Oh man. But I'm also like, hey, you don't really fully get it a little. You know, when,
00:44:01
Speaker
Our oldest was an extreme colic kid. So when you live through that, I mean, honestly, it's a little PTSD when your kids don't sleep because yeah every sound you're just like, oh my gosh.
00:44:15
Speaker
Is someone coming down the hall? Is someone in the door? Like, and then the worst is, I'll never forget. One time I literally woke up like out of a dead sleep, just soinked out for, for the whatever. And my child was standing over me and I was like, and I was just like, oh, and they're like, are you sleeping? And I'm like, I'm like,
00:44:42
Speaker
I'm probably not gonna sleep for a week now. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah it's yeah it's it's a thing and the last thing I've added that some people know this that um something I've recently begun able to do because I have been sleeping and and I often talk about like the four pillars on my platform is like psychological, physical, social and spiritual health and um One thing that I've been able to really hit hard and add into my life, which I couldn't do because I wasn't sleeping um really effectively, is really like hard physical workouts. And I'm not i'm not like um not like a meathead or anything like that. like No, i I knew that I needed to do that from a psychological standpoint, from an emotional standpoint, from a holistic health standpoint. And I feel like now it's 40.
00:45:26
Speaker
You know now I've been really doing it for almost three months now pretty three four times a week Consistently like hard workouts and I find yeah, and it's like early morning. I find a lot of enjoyment out and I feel great and I knew That's a big thing that I knew I and I knew that would happen I just couldn't do it because That's the adaptability part that sometimes we're in seasons in context of life that you can't do everything that you would like to do it's just part of being able to adapt as a parent as a dad as a man that I sometimes have to be ah okay with where I'm at, knowing that it isn't the best, but how do I make it the best in this moment, knowing that eventually something will change, and now that it is, so I'm in this new stride, and so 40 now feels, I feel great, honestly. um Now John just mentioned that number four is due in a month, so, sorry John, you're losing another inch of hair, my friend. At least according to Sam's science. So. I build, you know, it's it's the it's the the finger rule. Right there. See that? it's it Well, my fingers are about a half inch each. So it's like, so three. it You have to go through. We have the construction fingers. I totally have the construction hands. So my hands are a little.
00:46:38
Speaker
Yeah, I need I need like two fingers per so maybe that's the and you know if hard to flattening out Oh my god So good No, but John well that it's okay, man. you You own it man your hat. You look good in hats. Look good without hats. It's okay, buddy Well, that's that's ah I think that's a great I mean, that's such a cool way a cool perspective Because you know for for all the guys that are out there and all the guys that are listening and all the even generations that came before us, you know i I think about how
00:47:16
Speaker
how and And this is something maybe you know that is not fully exclusive to the cisgendered males, but is more common is there there's these like um kind of like hard rules for us that are laid out before us. It was like, okay, you got to get to this place by this age.
00:47:36
Speaker
And you know it's and i I hate to say it, but I call BS on that because I'm 46 and you know I've got new hobbies and new passions. and you know And I had kids a little bit later. I mean, my oldest is 12. And so you know not sleeping for essentially a decade, it does wear you out, but and it's that whole adaptability. And I think that's so cool. you know like getting into this, like you're moving into those seasons, which is so beautiful. Yeah. Because you're moving into this, the midlife chrysalis. This is where, you know, a lot of people fall apart, you know, and or come to a place where they realize
00:48:24
Speaker
maybe Maybe I believed the wrong stories or maybe I put my time and effort and my passions into something that might've been somebody else's idea. Yeah, yeah. um My wife just joined the live stream, so. Oh. She's in here.
00:48:46
Speaker
All right, Anna. Yeah, she's there. I see her. And so did actually my good friends, Amy and Eric. Shout out to you guys. Amy is my, she's actually pretty much, she's my gym coach. So I work out with my friends, Amy and Eric. So she's she's on right now too with her husband. So she, tomorrow actually, we're actually doing a hard workout for my other friend, Eric. Hi, Eric. He's turning 40 tomorrow. So we're doing, I think 40th birthday workout tomorrow for him. So that's tomorrow morning.
00:49:12
Speaker
It's going to be the 40 wad. Oh, yeah, there they are. Hi. We're working out of the day. Yeah, it's it's a four year old wad workout. Yeah. So Eric's going to get it kicked and I'm going to do it with him and say, it yeah I love it. It's so cool. And, yeah you know, one thing that I was going to say.
00:49:28
Speaker
you know as you've joined the 40 Club. you know there's There's another club which none of us wanted to join, which was the 27 Club for all the famous rock stars and stuff. That one is not one we wanted to join. We skipped that, thank God. um you know what's What is something that if you could encapsulate that that f that that feeling of turning 40,
00:49:57
Speaker
you know, what what was that feeling? was it Was it melancholy? Was it a little sadness? Was it a little like relief? Was it, you know, because that's, it's, everyone has a different experience, you know? And I say that i when I turned 40, it was a great time. I had a great party. like It was really cool. yeah But there's this there's a little of this like the morning after the night before you know kind of syndrome.
00:50:36
Speaker
yeah you know and
00:50:39
Speaker
how if If you were just talking to one of your friends, like, work we're going to use your friend, Eric, and go, just, you know, what what would you encourage them to,
00:50:52
Speaker
um I mean, I guess just, how would you encourage them to be aware of that that shift in that in this journey?
00:51:05
Speaker
It's a good question. How would I encourage to be aware of this shift? I mean, I could, ah you yes, the first question, how, what was my experience? Um, so I don't want to miss that, but I think it was a mix of, I think surrealness of like being 40 of like, Oh, I'm at, again, I'm at that age and.
00:51:20
Speaker
it's it's it's not like what my brain my teenage brain expected it to be yeah or even what i thought it would be even like 20s because i didn't actually honestly didn't know what to expect i had no idea um i really didn't know um and so it was surreal but i think on top of surrealness because it was almost like in that fully the outer body but it just like Oh, it's like that numb, this mystical, ethereal number. But on top of that, I think what I came down to is a lot of just gratitude of really thankfulness of like, I'm really grateful for where I am and my friends and my family, my wife, my kids. Um.
00:52:03
Speaker
everything in it. And I think that's, that was the, I think the biggest sense after the surrealness kind of moved on, I was just utter gratitude, um, sitting in that being present with that. Um,
00:52:17
Speaker
really enjoying my work too, like my my vocation, my like passion, whatever you want to call it, that working with people then and helping them heal. But on a personal level, just really enjoying my my life and sitting in that and and just kind of like, wow, I'm here. And and also excitement for the next 40. And it was like,
00:52:44
Speaker
you know Again, going back to the union the car Jung quote, and what we've talked about numerous times back and forth on our audio messages, is just the excitement of like,
00:52:55
Speaker
now with all this growth, now looking into this next chapter of this next part of my journey with um everything I've learned and knowing that I will continue to learn and grow and in ways that I have yet to understand and predict, but really excited that I feel like just looking forward to not to be cliche, but to the adventure of what's to come and not like I think I had a lot more looking back. When I was in grad school and before kids, I think I had a lot I had a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety. Yeah.
00:53:33
Speaker
of just what would happen to becoming a dad and can I afford and loans and all these real things I was facing and and a lot of unknowns and just not knowing yeah what to expect or where are we gonna be and what, you know, like just unpredictability um during the late 20s and even like 20s, late 20s and just going through stuff with Anna, like my wife, like we couldn't get pregnant for a while. So that was difficult. So there's a lot of like things going through. And then now it's like, we're here.
00:54:03
Speaker
I'm like really excited. I'm really, really excited with this to continue to grow as a dad, as a husband, as a friend. um i I get to help others and give back more now and just be there. And you know, that things a lot of that anxiety and fear is like gone. And of course moments come, like they all do, but it's nothing like it was in my twenties.
00:54:29
Speaker
and yeah so just looking forward to like it's whatever the day brings, like I'm looking forward to that challenge and what it might teach me and how it's going to challenge me because I continually get challenged on a daily basis and continually face the areas that I need to grow in and focus on. And also I, I see my areas of a lot of strength and a lot of things that I'm have talent and giftedness in. And so this constant balancing act. And so yeah, that's, that's where I'm at at 40, I think, and looking forward to the next.
00:55:01
Speaker
Wow, but it's such a beautiful, vulnerable share. And that's something that, and it's it's so interesting because, and I was just gonna say this because,
00:55:16
Speaker
and I think you and I have talked about this you know for you know for men that are in these seasons. you know um So much of the messaging is that you have to be somewhere when you get to these ages.
00:55:30
Speaker
yeah and And what you've just reflected is that the wealth, the true wealth of your life has nothing to do with where are you in the societal, you know, metrics. And it's all about your connectivity with the people that love you, care for you, and then the people that you love and care for. you know And that that that's that's really the real wealth of getting to this point. And you know the the real currency of life is kindness to other people.
00:56:17
Speaker
And I think you you just, you really said that that in such a beautiful way, because there is, it's it's like, you're told you're supposed to arrive at this place and like, you're waiting for this shift, but then you're like, yeah oh, everything that I've always needed and more is literally right here around me. And it's that arrival, or I would say the the depth the the The level of gratitude becomes more three-dimensional. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Where you know in our 20s and our 30s, we're trying on the versions of us that we think we're supposed to. you know And then in the 30s, we're kind of trying on the things that we think we really should be pushing towards. And then in your 40s, you kind of go,
00:57:17
Speaker
Oh, I always had it, I just didn't see it. Yeah, yeah, good way to put it. Yeah, and it's I think that's something that's really cool. And you know and unfortunately, we have all experienced the loss of some of our friends who you know maybe made it to 40 but didn't make it very far.
00:57:42
Speaker
And that having that gratitude for the ones that we do love and we are connected to that support us and see us and make us feel safe, there is and no other well there's no better wealth than that.
00:57:58
Speaker
No, and I think that's the thing at 40 that continues to be reinforced for me too is that 100% nothing else really measures up to that o Like I would it really doesn't I mean those those are the most I think the relationships the safe relationships where you can be authentic and and and Reciprocate that is
00:58:22
Speaker
That's priceless. and That's really everything everything else can kind of go in the end like all the other stuff is like man it comes and goes but those things are those are the things that really get you through all those life things and Having those to kind of lean on and vice versa to be someone that they can lean on you um like the most important thing and yeah, continually I'm continually reminded of that and and also where are the importance of putting in the time and and into those to fon to foster and nurture those relationships again is is the most important thing to me yeah everything else is kind of secondary
00:59:01
Speaker
I know. It's as if, you know, it all gets stripped away after a certain point. And I think it's, yeah, it's so cool too, because you're hitting some some real milestones in your 40s, you know, you're going to be married for 15 years, you know, which is, I mean,
00:59:22
Speaker
I would say that your marriage is now a sophomore, not a freshman anymore.
00:59:31
Speaker
And i i I told the coaching client that, and I said, hey, man, you you've been married for seven years. It's like second grade. yeah Or no, it's like first grade. it's like It's like first and second grade. And I said, let's just remember that. you know so like as you know And i've it sounds so funny because like you know like you start And I hate to say this, but as you turn 40, you start to reference things that your parents might have said oh yeah in their 40s. And then you're like, Oh no, I hey swore I would never say that. Now I'm saying that. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, like this is so,
01:00:13
Speaker
um man Right? yeah oh yeah yeah all hundred
01:00:21
Speaker
um <unk> it's so It's so cool. So now that you're in your 40s, and this is something, and i I had this because you and I are both big music fans. Yes. Okay. What albums make you feel young?
01:00:40
Speaker
give Give me like three that, you know, cause now, you know, I'm 46. How i'm forty six oh young are we talking? Like high school? Whatever, like like, what are some of those, you know, and I hate to detour, but like we also have other people that it might be wanting to know some of these fun things. Oh, sure. Because I know what what makes me feel young. Yeah, what's that? Like sim some of the albums that, I mean, well, Metallica, the black album, you know.
01:01:09
Speaker
um Nirvana, nevermind. You know, I, you know, all of the punk stuff I loved, you know, I can put those on now and I'm like, I am back there at 18 or 16 or 17. And so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:01:24
Speaker
what What are some go-to albums? yeah you know Because this also speaks to what gives you longevity yeah and keeps you young. Yeah, i think I think some of my go-to albums for me, um it's you know it's a lot of like high school um end of high school You know just out of high school because i'm i'm thinking kind of like 17 18 19. Yeah, because that's kind of like What feels like i'm young it's definitely jimmy world bleed american. Oh great That's a huge a huge one
Music and Nostalgia
01:02:03
Speaker
for me. I was a huge you still am a big jimmy world fan i'm actually looking on spotify right now to pull some of this stuff up to look through
01:02:10
Speaker
But that was a big one. um ah radio i mean Radiohead for me was a huge yeah um a huge one for me. Really got into them at that time. um Yeah, really loving. OK Computer was have what I loved listening to. yeah um and So that that's a good record that I would play a lot. um But Jimmy Royal is obviously more that kind of...
01:02:37
Speaker
you know email, whatever, indie email stuff. um Another word to them. They're just good. They're just really fun. They're fun. um I'm trying to think. There's so many bands that I've listened to, but like a lot of screamo stuff that I was into back then. Yes! Just, um you know, like Foo Fighters were big then. I mean, they're still big now, and but back then there was kind of like they're blowing up. and so Yeah, there's Zenith. There's Zenith of of, it was new and it was exciting.
01:03:06
Speaker
Oh, yeah. And oh, God, I wish you got to dig up some of like your screamo photos. I need to. Because I don't know if I have any there on polar not polaroids, like the, you know, the. Yes. The disposable cameras. Right. And so. Yes. Where those photos are. I have a ton somewhere. but Don't know where they are. They might have been burned in the news. But um yeah, so like.
01:03:33
Speaker
Other bands like that. Oh, Dashboard Confessional was a big one for me at that time. You know, all the, you know, emo stuff. So I was really big into that at 16, 17, 18, 19. You know, U2 was a big one. I yeah really knew U2. Got to see them at a young age, which was a lot of fun seeing this big band. So that was a huge one for me.
01:03:56
Speaker
um And then going to just like random punk, you know, emo indie concerts, right? Like all the time. And in San Diego, we had so much. We'd go there all the time, as you know, right? Yeah. i Wait a lot. Yeah, and a lot. So I mean, that was, you know, a switch foot. I was a big switch foot fan then. And they're, they're huge, you know, then the time. So going to seeing.
01:04:16
Speaker
you know Death Cab for Cutie, you know all those bands, so that was kind of, Muse at the time was just kind of getting started and blowing up in the early 2000s, like 2000, probably what, two, three, I think, for them. Three, four, five, somewhere in there. Yeah, so I think what brings me young is like like just out of high school, just in moving to San Diego, that was kind of like that phase for me, you know just kind of living with my buddies, roommates and stuff. and so That's kind of what I think of being young and so all the other bands that ah I was into then I mean spoon I mean so many guys so that's kind of like what brings me back and gets me excited That's so that's so cool because I I find it No matter how old you you no matter where you are on your age journey There's always those bands or those albums that Take you back to those places where you're like
01:05:12
Speaker
Oh man, I was there. I was this old. I was driving that car. I mean, and I hate to sit like, Oh yeah. And it's, it's funny because, and I, I thought about this long and hard because my dad's 70 and he'll still put on records. And he'd be like, I heard this when I was like 18 and I was like, and I watched my, my 70 year old dad.
01:05:38
Speaker
turn, like there's that glimmer, yeah there's that sparkle where it's like you hear that first opening stanza of any of the of the album or that you put it in and you're just like, oh my gosh, like I am revisiting my youth.
01:05:54
Speaker
you know there And I think that's something that's so beautiful. Like, you know, some people's, you know, vice, you know, memories are art. Some of them are books. Some of them are, you know, experiences. You know, and kind of with that, I was gonna say, has there been any books that you could, that you've read now or that you hold that have kind of helped carry you through?
01:06:25
Speaker
This journey of age. Oh, yeah. I think the most seminal piece for me that I've read numerous times that I have recommend pretty much everyone to read is man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankl. Oh, there you go. Like if I could say one book that would that that'd be the book that I.
01:06:44
Speaker
would consistently turn to. um Yeah. Timeless, right? Yeah. I mean, great, great book. I mean, I've read it multiple times. um Multiple times. I have various editions of it. Just because it's like ah I would read it and just take it in and and you could sit with it. I mean, it's a heavy book. um Short, it's not a long read. It's not like 1,000 pages. It's like 200 pages maybe. But as you know, very deep. So that's that's a big.
01:07:13
Speaker
life-changing book for me to deal with something interesting and meaning and purpose and death and all these things so that was a big book that I would come back to to challenge myself and to ask questions so yeah that's a good that's a I mean that's a phenomenal you know a and I was going to say, you know for me, probably the alchemist you know was one that I just reread it. you know and I think I read it when it came out and I reread it and I was like, whoa, this is powerful. I forgot how good this is because it's that you know wisdom never ages, it just changes shape.
01:08:01
Speaker
Yep. That's a good way to put it. Never. Yeah. Um, and you know, it's funny to always bands like that brings me back. It's like, they've all had their 20th anniversary. I remember going to the anniversary tour of death cab and we talked about this in a previous episode of death, every cutie, uh, postal service when they did that. And that's not a band that brings you back postal service, but I remember we're going like, and then when we were there, it's like all people our age in like their forties, right? And it's like,
01:08:28
Speaker
Oh, yeah, we're there. Like there's reason their 20th year anniversary or the 20th year tour of when this was released. I'm like, oh, that's fun. So, oh, I know. But it's funny because everyone's like, we're all the same really. Oh, we're all like in our, you know, we all have like our Advil in our in our pocket. We in our seats. I have to sit. We were just at a show the other night. Novo or more. Great band by the way. to see Great band. Phenomenal. We're in an environment where we had to stand the whole time.
01:08:58
Speaker
I don't like that. ah I have to say, i'd like I like my seat. I like being able to sit and stand and sit what I want. But the self-standing thing? Not into it. You know, for two hours. Two and a half hours service. I'm okay. Just not not a fan.
01:09:14
Speaker
Yeah, um we're we're going to see Ray Lamontagne. Do you have seats? And and we have seats. and i i i And I can tell you the show that changed me forever on this. Okay. And no joke, I went and saw, I got to see the police on their reunion tour. Oh, that's rad. Okay.
01:09:40
Speaker
So there were like my bucket list and Elvis Costello opened for him. Wow. Which...
01:09:48
Speaker
was mind blowing. But I had at that time, I was like, it was for anyone who knows San Diego, it was Coors Amphitheater. Now it's like sleep train. It's down near Chula Vista. It's this huge thing and they have seats and then they have grass. So if you are in Irvine irvine Meadows, you know, it's kind of the same thing. yeah And I couldn't afford the seats, so I bought a lawn seat. And I was like, I will never do this again if I ever have to. I will pay for the seats because
01:10:27
Speaker
I just, I had that tipping point of her like, okay, my vans needed like orthotics in them now. Yeah, no. I'm my vans on too, man. And I'm like, oh, my feet are killing me. Like I need something or probably orthotics. So there you go. ah You know, or or they they have vans now have the really cushioned shoes. They do. I need to get a pair. Are they worth it? do You think? They're worth it. Totally worth it. All right. She's laughing at us that we couldn't stand.
01:10:58
Speaker
yeah No, but it's it's it's really hard. I mean, like I still skate when I can because I skate with my kids and I have to wear, I have to wear bands with like the extra cushioning because I'm like, man, I didn't know that every bump is coming through my big toe now.
01:11:18
Speaker
it's It's the aches though. It's like the aches, just aches. I'm like, oh, and you're like trying to like, you can't get comfortable. So I always go to shows with seats down. So, and so do you. So says for here's, here's thing with, with 40. What's one thing you so dislike about turning 40? Is it like a physical thing? You know, it's like, I've, I've worked in physical environments most of my life. So for me, like turning 40,
01:11:47
Speaker
the recovery time of my physical body is like another game changer, especially when you have younger kids. yeah And so like what's, that's like if I could you know erase that part of the aging process, I would, yeah oh my gosh, it would be amazing. I think I would erase the same thing. I think the recovery time, if you had like a really bad rough night's sleep with kids, like everyone's sick or something and you sleep two hours, now oh it's worst I feel it for minimum a week, minimum. And into like, I can't.
01:12:20
Speaker
You know and then you feel it. She's like everything's sluggish like in my 20s. I'm like two hours sleep job I mean, I'll go get a burrito some kind of set of fries And I'll keep going and more coffee. I'm good like I don't have to sleep but now like dude Yeah, that would be great if if the recovery was quicker would be That would be nice. I would erase that. Yeah Yeah, no, that's so funny. You know, and since your strength and training coaches are here, you know. Yeah, and I just got to text the workout for tomorrow, so I'm looking at it knowing that I gotta do that in just a few hours, which is gonna be a lot of fun, but it's for my buddy. Oh my goodness, I'm pulling it up right now. Eric, I'm sorry. Ooh, that's a good one.
01:13:07
Speaker
Man, I'm gonna Sorry, you got this so great. It's it's it's gonna be super good. So One thing I was gonna say, you know Since you live a baby a busy season and you have ah you know beautiful partner Fantastic kids, you know challenging kids What do you do for yourself When you are by yourself to recharge and to, because I think you and I have talked about this multiple times and I hear this and I'm bringing this up because like I hear like, Oh, you just need self care. And I was like, I freaking hate that term. Like I, I'm like.
01:13:49
Speaker
I mean, self-care is like, I don't even have 30. I mean, this is probably the best part of my, you know, the last 12, 16 hours of my day is like, no one's asking me for anything. And I'm getting to have this dialogue with you. Yeah. Yeah. And whoever, who else is ever iss going to listen, like, what's something that, what's something that you do that is truly just for yourself to help You know, deepen the well of your wisdom, of your soul, so that you can bring all this beautiful work to us. What is it you do? Is it is it it, besides working out with your team, is it like, do you go mountain biking? Do you go surf? Do you do yoga? Like, what is something and that that could be, and I'm going to rephrase this, what could appear to be selfish?
01:14:48
Speaker
yeah But it is necessary. yeah And this is strictly with no people, right?
01:14:55
Speaker
Just for you just just for you by myself alone you mean Yeah, okay, cuz I definitely recharge to having deep conversation for sure that's one thing Yeah, I do like doing but take that aside and take it working out. Yeah, that does actually help me take that out. Yeah um other things I think they do that really give Quite a few things but playing music playing, you know getting my guitar out and just hmm making creating whatever is happening in the moment is a big I love I yeah I just love the guitar love holding it I mean the experience the smell of the tone so I'm big gearhead so I really enjoy that
01:15:35
Speaker
um and really really do and i have one at work so i was you know in between oh wow clients i i have a one that if it got stolen i wouldn't care yeah i caught my beach camp guitar so it you know um the musicians out there know what i'm talking about like you have one it's like yeah if it got stolen you'd be a little sad but it's not like i'm not breaking the bank if it gets stolen here um And so but I had that in my at my office just to kind of pluck around on and also helps me recent or two after some client sessions just clear my head and even for a few minutes is sometimes enough just even like Pluck a few strings and just kind of sit there with the residents is like sometimes enough
01:16:14
Speaker
Um, love music, love, you know, morning, early mornings, like before everyone's awake. Um, I'm a morning person. So getting my mornings back now that my kids are sleeping has been actually really life giving to me because I am a morning person. and Yeah.
01:16:32
Speaker
before I didn't have that. And so, like, I really enjoy when it's quiet. I love the smells, sitting outside, no coffee, just quiet as we're charging, or even some music just to kind of close my eyes and just sit there and just like, yeah just listen.
01:16:50
Speaker
um
01:16:53
Speaker
Yeah. um Those are some of my go tos, I think. um Lately, ah bird watching. really yeah sitting outside my backyard coffee watching birds i know it sounds whatever but it's calming just kind of oh it's so yeah you know i'm outside it and i get the sounds of nature everything and i love morning too because like everything's waking up and it's there's something different I don't like nights as much. <unk>s It's just a different sense to me. I like the morning, it's something about morning for me that just is like very refreshing. And like i i like I need quiet in the morning. Like I have to have that. And it was really hard when my kids weren't sleeping when they were up at like 4 a.m. every day. or awkward every m
01:17:43
Speaker
so No, but now I did really cherish those times with them because we would always exhausted and But I would a lot of great bonding moments like we'd hug each other just have fun, but it was tiring because I need that I need that early morning quiet for me to Charge myself to then take on the day and when I now that I haven't like it I could tell a difference I think my wife can tell a difference. I don't know. We'll see if she responds you may not she might say yeah No, no, I'm just kidding. She I think she could tell a difference um But no, yeah, so those are some things I like to do um that I really enjoy um that really I think fill me up at least right now the season of life so yeah, yeah, no, that's it's really cool. It's yeah, it's it's something that I
01:18:29
Speaker
I think any dad, husband, partner, man, you know all all of the versions that we are, you know sometimes we are afraid to admit that it's actually that we would like to be alone sometimes because it's a very unpopular, you know and as we move into our journeys of age,
01:18:56
Speaker
You know, I find it fascinating how just even being awake early, like you, because I i get up pretty early, you know, and there is this beautiful hush um that kind of falls upon our world before the mechanisms of life show up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:19:27
Speaker
And even just sitting, journaling, watching the birds can be a meditative practice that, you know, just reminds us that there is something bigger than us that surrounds us.
01:19:48
Speaker
yeah agree And and it's I think it's really cool because that's something that I think for a lot of us guys, like we can relate, like my son, when he was young, he would get up at like 4 a.m. And I would literally load him into the Bob, the jogging stroller. This is not sponsored by Bob, but that's the best stroller I ever had. And I would literally push him through the neighborhood like at O Dark 30 for like an hour straight.
01:20:22
Speaker
and then would be pushing him back at like 5.45 and then I'd be getting ready for work. Yeah. yeah
01:20:31
Speaker
yep But that's how you find the peace, right? That's how you find it. Oh, I mean, just for him to sleep, for for him to sleep, it was the greatest, and and to give my wife the the gift of that sleep, because you know so that she could function, i was just it was survival. yeah and You're right.
01:20:52
Speaker
It's such a beautiful thing. So let's, so we're, we're at an hour and 18 minutes. Yeah. yeah So more close up or wrap up or what do you think? Well, I was going to ask, does anyone else have any questions? Does Anna have any questions? I don't know. She may not be listening anymore. She's like, she's mad.
01:21:13
Speaker
um
01:21:18
Speaker
you know It's okay. I think it's it's such a beautiful thing.
Gratitude and Wisdom for Future Generations
01:21:22
Speaker
um and really what i want to Before we kind of like close this out, I just want to say thank you so much for your transparency and your vulnerability because being on that seat is a different experience.
01:21:39
Speaker
You're right. and is It is. It's funny because you know when you even said, but hey we're going to do this like live stream, I played a lot of music live with bands, all the things. and you know As you have done and you know there is this genuine nervous excitement of being like, okay, we can't stop.
01:22:10
Speaker
yeah You know, the show, the show goes on. And so I just want to say thank you so much um ah for just sharing your beautiful journey and your, your work with us. And so I think what I would probably say, you know, for, for kind of to close this out is as you usher other people in to this ritual of turning 40 with, you know, the work that you've done.
01:22:41
Speaker
What are, if this is, you know, if you had to leave any lasting words of wisdom for anyone, any gender, you know, for your kids, you know, because I have sons, you have sons, you know, and there's gonna come a point where they, you know, I will not be on the this this side anymore.
01:23:08
Speaker
You know, and I, if I could leave any wisdom, you know, for them, you know, there's a couple of things that I would probably say is just like love one another, stay curious, you know, be curious, be respectful, be grateful.
Embracing Stillness and Presence
01:23:25
Speaker
And, you know, we all are in this together, yeah but what, what would you,
01:23:35
Speaker
If you had to give your own eulogy and because this is an experiment and this is a ah thing I do with my clients, I asked him like, how would you, what kind of parting wisdom would you want to leave to anyone now that you've made it to this point? Now that I made it to 40. It's still a long way to go. A lot to learn. Yeah, you do. But.
01:24:03
Speaker
You know, for sure, just some of the that class, I mean, those things for sure, loving, staying curious. I think the core of, I think my being and hopefully what I'm imparting to my kids, hoping to stay curious, loving that, you know, teamwork being for one another type of thing. Absolutely. But I think the thing that at least in our day and age and our culture, um, that we live in.
01:24:31
Speaker
I think the power of stillness. Oh yeah. I think, you know, if you get to learning the, that power of learning, you know, still stillness and all that, that means in all the different ways, what life you can find when you get to that place and how, when you're also still you know, and obviously taking this step further is that you're not anxious. There's no letting go of fear and worry and doubt and all those things. And you're able to kind of just be, be present, be excited for what's to come and whatever happens, whatever might unfold is kind of coming from this still soul state. Um, m and I think that's what I try to tap into when I'm in my mornings is trying to get to that kind of stillness of,
01:25:27
Speaker
openness, awareness, connectedness. And when I don't do those practices enough, when I find that i may I'm missing my mornings, I find that I am more easily irritated or more less lower frustration, less patience, right? I'm more prone to jumping in my head to anxiety or what whatever it is. But when I have a regular practice of that kind of stillness, that quiet, it, it fills me. And so that, that would be something that if you get to that place, along the other stuff that we said, like loving curiosity, teamwork for being for others, um, using your power and agency for good, right? I mean, yes. But I think behind all that is that stillness. And so
01:26:14
Speaker
encourage and me I'm talking my kids like you know get to that place yeah and in that stillness place you also kind of find who you are and your giftedness and what you can offer the world um and what you are offering the world so it's kind of like there's so much that comes from that place um And and it I think over time that place evolves, right? Like maybe what I found in that stillness at 20 is very different at 40. And so in a way it's kind of, it's that openness to be receptive to what is. um So that's that's what I would say. That's so beautiful. And you know, I think everyone needs more stillness in our lives.
01:27:00
Speaker
Yeah, I think so too. I think so. And my wife is really good at trying to create that for our family, so I'm very grateful for her. oh And, you know, really instilling that in our kids. um im Really grateful for that for her, that she does that.
01:27:20
Speaker
Yeah, like she's really, really has a gift for that. And so I'm very appreciative of that. And, you know, cause it's so easy. I think with kids now, like there's just so much stuff happening all the time. so yeah And so it's like having that foundation of learning to just.
01:27:38
Speaker
be curious which comes from I think being still like enables you to be curious and to listen so um I think she's she's laying that foundation on our kids so I'm I i think that's gonna really help them and whatever is gonna come in our culture for the next 20 years I think it I think if anything is just gonna continue getting faster in some ways And so I see and I see the I think negative side impact of that on a daily basis in my job and as you do too as a coach and so Mm-hmm. Like yeah countering that in an effective way not being afraid of stuff, but really instilling like a balance and so Mm-hmm. Anyway, I'm very grateful for That she helped that she really does that with our family big time Yeah
01:28:23
Speaker
Travis, thank you so much for sharing your time with us because this has been really just a really beautiful experience to hear all the beautiful parts. The math genius becomes the theology, you know, major that becomes the therapist. I mean,
01:28:47
Speaker
it's ah it's yeah it's it's a beautiful It's a beautiful thing. So again, thank you so much for the work that you do, your authenticity and your transparency and your vulnerability that you share freely with all of us and with your clients and your family. And we're just so grateful um that you have you're here and that you've arrived at 40.
01:29:13
Speaker
And um i cannot wait to see the beautiful things that you're gonna do in the future so thank you again my friend thank you sam and thank you for thank you man for our friendship and and you interviewing me and our conversations back and forth i cherish all the audio text that we get back and forth and.
01:29:31
Speaker
um Yeah. And those listening, all the links of this is in the description of itself. So yeah yes, it's there. You know where to find it. Click on it and you'll find it. Yes. But thank you. And this was really fun. This was a fun little. It's so fun. We'll do it again for sure. We'll do it again for sure. And be on the lookout. Those that are listening to this audio only or video, there's some fun Exciting things happening coming up which how yet to be revealed but will be shortly when I have more information So I'm very excited to share that announcement with you when that does come but until then everybody have a great night and Sam Thank you Thank You Travis