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Pouring Positivity: Transforming Lives Through Coffee and Community
102 Plays6 months ago
Hey everybody - Travis here - today I am excited to have this guest on - they are doing amazing things and I am really looking forward to diving into this week's topic!
Johnny Eastman, known to many as "thetattooedhusband" on Instagram, is an executive-level ICF-certified coach and a content creator with a remarkable knack for motivational coffee videos that have garnered millions of views. Johnny works with Convene, creating peer groups for Christian business leaders. He is also a fitness enthusiast and a devoted advocate for integrating faith, values, and holistic well-being into professional and personal life.
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** Keypoints and Highlights:**
1. **Johnny's Popular Coffee Videos:** Johnny’s unique coffee videos, which reveal positive messages when cream is added, have gone viral with 78 million views. Despite facing backlash, he has received countless encouraging messages that fuel his passion.
2. **Personal Growth and Accountability:** Johnny discusses the profound impact of joining a CrossFit gym on both his mental and physical health, highlighting the value of being part of a supportive community. He shares how this grounding experience provides a much-needed break for his brain and helps him make better decisions in business.
3. **Transformative Relationships:** Johnny opens up about his significant personal growth, shifting from a victim mentality to taking responsibility for his actions. A vivid example of this growth is his healing conversation with his father, which transformed their relationship dynamics and exemplifies the generational impact of open communication.
**Challenge Question:** In your own life, who can you reach out to for support and accountability to help you grow personally and professionally? How can you take responsibility and open up communication to improve a challenging relationship?
Tune in to hear more about Johnny's incredible journey and how the integration of faith, community, and personal responsibility can lead to a meaningful and balanced life!
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Web: https://www.thetattooedhusband.com/
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YouTube: Travis Goodman
Instagram: @integratedmanproject
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Transcript
Introduction to Integrated Man Project
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's episode of the Integrated Man Project podcast. Before we jump into this week's episode, I did want to share about an exclusive membership I want to be launching to help shape the Integrated Man Project community. If this is something you'd be interested in, where you will be co-laboring with me, sharing your ideas, giving input, giving me feedback, part of kind of this process of creating something bigger and better for all men,
00:00:27
Speaker
I would love for you to join. And if this is something you're interested, please reach out to me, email me at integratedmanproject at gmail.com. You could also send me a direct message on Instagram as well or on LinkedIn. I would love for you to reach out to me. I would love for you to be part of this exclusive group to help again, shape and form this integrated man community.
00:00:50
Speaker
Because as you do this, as we share in this journey together, we're going to create a community of men around the world where we become more grounded, more adaptable, more resilient, and more authentic men. So come on and join. If you're interested in this, please reach out to me. And without further ado, let's get into this week's episode.
Meet Johnny: Instagram Influencer
00:01:16
Speaker
Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the podcast. I'm excited to have this guest on. His name is Johnny. Welcome Johnny. How are you doing today? Doing well. How are you? Thanks for having me. Yeah, man. I'm excited. Excited to have you on. I'm doing good. I'm recovering from sickness. We were just talking like a few seconds ago. I think it's not think I know it's definitely going around. Everyone's getting sick. It's just, it's spread like a wildfire and we're all dealing with it. And we're, I think we're sharing and lingering costs for, for those of you listening, if we, especially in coffee. Yeah.
00:01:45
Speaker
If you hear that I apologize ahead of time but this is the reality is we keep going even sometimes when we're fighting something so I'll do my best to cut out any annoying coughs but if you do just forewarning be aware it might happen in this episode. So with that said real quick first how I met Johnny was through Instagram and that was through his handle the tattooed husband through his warming videos of pouring coffee.
00:02:08
Speaker
If you haven't seen them yet, please go check it out. I'll link it in the description below But that's how I met him and I was like I gotta reach out to this guy The name was catchy and then obviously the videos were very catchy and on point So yeah, can you tell us a bit about why you started that and kind of that whole idea?
00:02:25
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. So I'm always happy to admit that it wasn't my original idea. There are other people that did it. I don't know. I just got lucky. I guess you could say. So I've been doing Instagram coffee content since
00:02:40
Speaker
I don't know, 10 years ago or so. And I saw someone else posting these videos of pouring coffee into a glass cup with a message on the outside that you couldn't see. And then when you pour the cream into that cup, then the message shows up. But the messages were super raunchy and I was like, oh, this is cool.
00:03:02
Speaker
But I wouldn't share this with anybody. And I was like, these are gross. And so I was like, I can probably do this with a positive message. And so I did a couple. And then I did one that said, you're a good mom. And it just blew up. I remember we were out getting donuts. And I looked down on my phone. And it was just growing by leaps and bounds, tens of thousands of followers every couple of minutes. I was like, what in the world is going on?
00:03:27
Speaker
and it ended up getting to like 78 million views or something insane. So yeah, so that's kind of how it started and then I continued to post them and
00:03:37
Speaker
It was wild. It just showed me how much people are craving and desiring encouragement and encouraging content, uplifting content. There's so much comparison on social media that it was such a cool avenue to pursue to encourage others. And when I look at my videos and I see that they've been shared thousands of times,
00:04:02
Speaker
of times, sometimes tens of thousands of times, I'm like, but that's each one of those is falling into someone's inbox in creating a conversation or creating encouragement from one person to another. And I was like, this, this is awesome. But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. I since I didn't create the idea, just like everything social media is, you know, it's been replicated over and over again.
00:04:26
Speaker
I got viscerally attacked for weeks and weeks and weeks, called every name under the sun. I mean, I can go into details of that if you want me to, but I just really felt called to just be quiet and be still and just to continue to post what I was doing and to provide encouraging content and
Johnny's Role with Convene
00:04:46
Speaker
If you look at the news cycle, if a war goes away in the news cycle within a couple of weeks, I knew that this small sliver of the internet, that would go away eventually as well. But I got, I mean, hundreds if not thousands of messages calling me the most hateful things.
00:05:03
Speaker
that I could think of or that they could think of. And I still get messages probably daily, maybe one a day now of just really hateful things, but pretty thick skinned. So it doesn't, it doesn't really bother me. It doesn't impact me. And I'm just, and I, for every one terrible message I get, I get 10 to 20 really kind, encouraging and grateful messages. So really fun to do it. I love to do it.
00:05:25
Speaker
Yeah, I'm gonna put a pin on that because I want to come back to that because I think that'll be a cool pivot before we go with this episode. But real quick, can you quickly tell us what you do for a living, what your job is, et cetera.
00:05:40
Speaker
So I work with a company called Convene and we create roundtable peer groups specifically for Christian business leaders. So whether you're a key leader within a company, manager, director, VP, C-suite, or the CEO, president, founder, owner of a company, we create these groups of around
00:05:57
Speaker
12 to 16 business leaders to come together and encourage one another and to walk through opportunities and challenges with one another, not only from an empathetic perspective professionally, but also from a faith perspective.
Exploring the Coaching Industry
00:06:13
Speaker
And so what we love to say is we love to say to raise the cross at the center of the marketplace and to ultimately bridge that gap between faith and work.
00:06:23
Speaker
It is so isolating to be a leader within a business. And then you had a faith component on top of that and it's a whole nother level of isolation. And so we really want to bridge that gap so you don't feel isolated. So they feel like you can incorporate your faith into the role that you're playing within your work and be that same person at home with your family.
00:06:42
Speaker
And so I helped build these groups all over the United States as well as I helped facilitate and lead a group of my own and I'm an executive level ICF certified coach. And so I love to walk with people and ask the pinpointed thought provoking questions to help them figure out kind of the best next steps for them within their journey, within their opportunities and challenges.
00:07:06
Speaker
Yeah. And those that don't know what's ICF for just those listening. Yeah. International coaching Federation. Yeah. Yeah. Just for those that are listening, it's a coaching Federation that I to some degree has a, it's pretty well known. I think at the coaching world, one of the top, the ones that kind of does trainings, right? That is well-recognized, you know, kind of helps kind of give certifications, right? And process and training.
00:07:25
Speaker
That's right. Yeah. So right now the whole coach coaching world, anyone can call themselves a coach where it's different with counseling where you have to go to school and you have to get, you have to get licensed. The coaching world is, is unregulated, but that's coming down the pipeline. And so this ICF certification will be that licensing is that licensing, but we'll be more nationally recognized.
00:07:47
Speaker
as coaching becomes more and more regulated. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's cool hearing the story. And I think there's going to be an overlap between kind of what you do as a coach executive coach and kind of creating this what I'm hearing this community of leaders and trying to one create
00:08:02
Speaker
Get them out of the isolation because you are correct. It could be very isolating and you know, who do these guys and women talk to? Especially if they're the ones leading the foundation because people look to them for the answers, right? They tend to look to them for supporting guidance. And so who do they turn to when they need? What do we do? That's exactly right. Yeah. And just to speak on that a little bit is oftentimes they have to choose between one of those two worlds. They can go the professional route and seek counsel and wisdom.
00:08:28
Speaker
And they'll get some good information that way, but oftentimes I feel like they can only use a small percentage of what they're learning before they have to start tweaking it so that it doesn't compromise their faith or their integrity or their values. And then on the flip side, you can join a small group or a Bible study and people will pray with you and encourage you. And that's really helpful, but there's very little empathy of what it looks like to have profit and loss responsibility, to have direct reports, to be running a business or to be running an entire department of a business. And so I joke and say,
00:08:58
Speaker
thank you for your prayers, but I'm still hemorrhaging 10 grand a week. And if I don't figure this out, if I don't have a strategy that I won't have a business to pray for. And so to be able to bridge that gap and to be able to operate within your role or operate your company with Christ at the center of it and the biblical principles and strategies is the goal there.
00:09:15
Speaker
I think that's a very catchy phrase. Thank you for your prayers, but I'm still hemorrhaging 10K a month. But what I like about that is it's the faith because faith is that belief in something, right? And giving yourself to something higher than self, a greater good of a community of relationship and also needing very practical tools and relationship and connection and guidance and a roadmap. And I think I've also heard it said like you can have God and a therapist too, right? That idea that, you know, you have both in the end. You know,
00:09:44
Speaker
no matter what religion you're coming from or, you know, faith background, that there is something from a belief system as well as having practical applications. And that's what I'm hearing what Johnny's doing is like, yeah, we have these belief systems and in your case, unifying in Christianity is a unifying bond in the cross. Okay, how do we get there? That was the practical steps because at least in the Bible doesn't have, you know, as a CEO, you need to do ABCD, right? Or if you're in the Quran, right?
00:10:10
Speaker
As a CFO, you need to do A, B, C. It doesn't have that, right? It's more overarching morals and ethics if you were to boil it down. But that's a unifying factor for people. If they're Muslim or Christian or Jewish or whatever faith background, that these things are unifying in the belief systems of what it means to be human. But then how do we take that into the business world? And I think it's so cool that you have this business and creating connection and community for people who really
Value of Peer Groups in Personal Growth
00:10:36
Speaker
need it.
00:10:36
Speaker
and to not be isolated and so I'm wondering you know from that what's what have you found like prior from the people working with you in this industry of like being more isolated to now having a community what it's something like the two or three things that you've seen shift or change in their life now that they're part of something like this
00:10:53
Speaker
Yeah, well, I feel like when you I think one of the biggest lies that we face, whether you're in the business world or not, is that your is that isolation piece that you're alone that you're the only one going through this that or the other thing that no one that no one could possibly understand what you're going through. When
00:11:11
Speaker
in reality is that we're all broken or messed up at some level and everyone around us is kind of silently screaming me too you know i'm going through this as well and so i think even for me personally
00:11:26
Speaker
hearing my wife say just when we were sitting on the couch talking about the group that i'm a part of saying you're a totally different man than who you were two and a half years ago and for me that that makes it all worth it i have seen myself as a husband as a father as a leader improve see people and then that's one of the big things is is is when you begin to
00:11:50
Speaker
to be able to incorporate your faith, incorporate your values into what you're doing, you begin to see people as more and more as people, as a person rather than as a means to an end or a tool or a cog in the wheel within your organization and recognizing that the influence that you have over that one person or that department of people, each one of those people has a family that they're impacting and that they're responsible for.
00:12:18
Speaker
And so I think that, I mean, and it's where you're spending most of your time. I mean, at least a third of your day, a third of your day typically is at work, then you have a third of your day that you're sleeping, right? And then there's another eight hours that are kind of peppered in there before work and after work and all of that. And so as you're spending that time there, if you're able to improve who you are,
00:12:41
Speaker
If you're able to instill more of your principles into what you're spending a third of your life doing, then it's going to impact the other parts of your life. I think those are the big things that I see when we're at conferences and spouses come up to us and say, my husband or my wife is never leaving because of how much it's improved
00:13:04
Speaker
them how much it's improved them as a father, husband, you know, wife, mother. That's, that's kind of the biggest, the biggest win in my book. What we see too, is that our members, generally 85 of them outperform their competition within their industry.
00:13:21
Speaker
we're taking a very holistic approach to their lives. So if someone walks in and says, hey, listen, I've been sleeping on the couch for a week. I don't know if a marriage is going to make it. Well, that's got to be priority number one for that group. Because whether the employees, the staff, the clients, the customers know it or not, the leader of a department or a company
00:13:41
Speaker
that's going through something heavy like that that's gonna impact i mean it's just it has a ripple effect whether whether anyone knows it or not or it's a subconscious thing it's gonna impact decisions it's gonna impact the amount it's gonna manifest in some way so that's right it's gonna manifest in some way and so if we can take a holistic approach to the person then generally we see that the company and the people within the company thrive more as a whole
00:14:04
Speaker
And it sounds like a lot like, you know, in a way what you're doing and the ethos of this show is being integrated. And what that means is kind of the holistic in other ways, holistic approach, right? Looking at all the areas of life, you know, from psychologically to relationally, socially to.
00:14:19
Speaker
physically, right, and then to spiritually, right? All these areas are, like you said, they're all the impact to everything else. And so assessing the need of a particular group or individual, hey, what is this person? What part of their life do they need support in? Because that does impact, like you said, everything else. That this one piece really is valuable, just like all the, because you could be super healthy in all three, but if you're struggling physically, right,
00:14:46
Speaker
physical ailment, not taking care of yourself, well that it will have an effect. And so you spoke to something, I'll have to go there for a minute about, hey, two years ago, you started doing a group and your wife has noticed a change in you from that point. So can you speak a bit more about your kind of growth over the past few years of integration and kind of those categories of your life and kind of what you've done differently and what that's looked like?
00:15:06
Speaker
Yeah, so I mean, physically, we can start there. I have I have jumped into the cult of CrossFit a number of years ago. And even I love it. I love that I get to when I go to a regular gym, I don't know what to do. I see a way I guess I have to lift it. If I'm not there for an hour, does it even count kind of thing?
00:15:23
Speaker
I walked into a CrossFit gym a couple of years ago and I love it. I show up, they warm me up, they tell me what to do, the timer goes, we do the workout and then it's, you know, I'm lying on the floor half dead and I feel good and the workout's over. And so I have found for me that type of physical activity, that type of workout is really, really good for me. And what I love and what I've heard is that when I take a step back,
00:15:48
Speaker
and i look at the workouts that i'm doing or the physical activity that i'm doing i'm not thinking about anything and i've heard that that's really really good for your brain it's almost just a time for your brain to take a break and i can't focus on anything else but the workout i'm not thinking about the calls or the emails the meetings or you know or the or the tensions within work here there.
00:16:08
Speaker
there's no capacity or space in my brain at that moment because I have to do 8,000 burpees or whatever it is. It's a really good, the physical aspect is good for me on that level and it helps my mental health as well. If I find I haven't been in the gym then, and I'm not like a stellar athlete or anything like that, but just to work out, to sweat, to exhaust myself, I have found is really, really important for my mental health.
00:16:36
Speaker
Physically, you started there, that's been a big life changer for you, that's been helpful. And then, you know, think psychological or spiritual or relationally, you know, you joined a group and it sounds like your wife has noticed a big change in you. So I'm just wondering kind of what's changed.
00:16:49
Speaker
Yeah, so I mean, I think the changes are that I am, I go on some rabbit trails, maybe that's one of the things that's changed a little bit, but I joke and I say that I'm a seven, seven wing seven, I say. And so I love, like, I just, I love to start things. I'm terrible at finishing them. I love what's called idea jousting and just kind of shout, like shouting out ideas and what ifs and all these things, and it can be exhausting for someone.
00:17:14
Speaker
because they think they have to make all these dreams and ideas come true when I'm just shooting things off and I forget about that I said that thing, you know, 20 seconds later. So joining a group like that surrounding myself with people who are different than me but also very supportive has kind of grounded me in some very healthy ways. I had an opportunity to purchase a business and I was
00:17:38
Speaker
like ready to say yes and sign on the dotted line because I love the risk I love I'd rather build in flight and ask questions later and so the other people in my group some of them are engineers and CPAs and very left-brained mathematical and they were really it really encouraged me to for lack of better words practice pessimism because I'm so optimistic they're like you need you need to ask these difficult questions what about this this and this and it actually saved me from purchasing a business that would
00:18:06
Speaker
it was spiraling out of control. And so it's helped me to take more of a bird's eye view approach. I still love to take risk. I still love to build, but I have basically a board of directors around me who are able to ask the good questions, the hard questions, the questions I'm not even thinking about because it's just not how I'm wired to help me forward well.
00:18:28
Speaker
and to make decisions that are going to impact my family in a really healthy way. So I think that's one of the big ways that surrounding myself with like-minded individuals who are also different than me in these groups has helped me a lot just as a, I guess, within business.
00:18:46
Speaker
And I'm wondering with that as a man, how was that for you initially kind of seeking out a group like that? Was that like, sure, yeah, absolutely. I'll go to a group and no problem. I'll talk to the guys or women and leaders and get some support and help. Was that easy? Was there kind of a barrier to that or hesitancy? Like, what was it like for you?
00:19:04
Speaker
No, so I'm a big fan of, I'm a big people person. And so whenever I have the opportunity to jump into something like that, and I know that's not how everybody is, I have a tendency to overshare. And so I was ecstatic to be able to join a group. And I love the community. I love being
00:19:24
Speaker
held accountable. So even for me to be able to begin to build one of these groups myself with around 12 to 16 people, it excites me because I know that I'm going to have the opportunity to facilitate, foster and shepherd these individuals. And I don't have to be the smartest one in the room. I'm just, my goal is to ask the right questions to guide the conversation. And ideally they are supporting each other. They're
00:19:48
Speaker
And they're saving one another, if you will. And they're asking the right questions for one another. Yeah. And I'm just curious, because like I said, I think you put it, everyone's so different when I ask that question, like as a man, because we all have different definitions of what it means to be a man in this world and or what it doesn't mean to be. And so we all have different perspectives. So I appreciate just you. Yeah, I am a seven. And those that don't know what the Enneagram is, go Google it. It's a personality inventory.
00:20:13
Speaker
My understanding is they like to have fun, they're talking, they're outgoing, you know, and they're very high-spirited, very positive, right? But I like, you know, you have the awareness too that, hey, I tend to be a little over positive, I tend to maybe lean on that, and I needed this kind of balance, if you will, of these other guys who are making me think and ask the harder questions where maybe my personality is
00:20:32
Speaker
a little geared this way and it kind of it's pulling me more towards maybe an even a balance of these two perspectives and so you found that as very life-giving and it really it saved you like you said uh from making a decision that probably would have been detrimental like you said it would have been
Importance of Reflection and Empathy in Relationships
00:20:47
Speaker
yeah
00:20:47
Speaker
Yeah, and we push and we pull each other. So those who in my group who are less risk takers, but hate their job, you know, but there's an opportunity, but they're afraid to take the jump to the next one, for one reason or another. There are people like me in the group who are saying, take the risk, like what do you have to lose, you know, and just able to encourage them and build them up and
00:21:10
Speaker
Help them take a risk that they may not have ever done without. Yeah. And that's the benefit of a group dynamic, right? Where there's the sense of trust and safety that you can, you can share with one another, challenge each other, hear each other and push each other right to grow. So yeah. So physically you change, you know, you changed also kind of in this state of a group dynamic and being part of something. Yeah. Um, any other changes you made of kind of on these other areas of life, like, you know, within psychologically, like internally, spiritually, things like that.
00:21:36
Speaker
Yeah, I would say that I like to, as difficult as it is for me, I like to spend some time in the morning just reflecting. A lot of times I'm listening to some sort of calm music, but it's so easy for the first thing for me to do, to pick up my phone and just scroll. But as you do that, you go, wow, this is really just wasting time. This is not life-giving.
00:22:03
Speaker
finished scrolling while I'm drinking my coffee and go, huh, I feel so refreshed and rejuvenated. And like I like that was, that was worth it. And so I think spending some time away from my phone in a reflective state, reading, reading the Bible for me is, and it's not about quantity, it's about quality. And so I don't, I don't have any sort of
00:22:29
Speaker
amount that I'm having to read. If I want to read two verses and it resonates in my heart, then that's a win. If it's three chapters, fantastic. That's great too. So taking the pressure off of myself in regards to how much I'm consuming at the beginning of my day has been really
00:22:48
Speaker
a really big game changer for me. And then my goal and my desire always is to have a really high value on perspective in trying to put myself in the shoes of someone else, as well as trying to see situations through the eyes of other people. Because I think if we did that more,
00:23:09
Speaker
then it would lead to less arguments. It would lead to less disunity, if you will. And so the goal for me is to, I think you can see someone's perspective or where they're coming from.
00:23:24
Speaker
No matter what doesn't mean you have to agree with it could be at you but i think you can i think you can put yourself in the position where you go i can understand their train of thought or how they got there as twisted as it may be or as a logical as it may be.
00:23:40
Speaker
it's how they got there and or that this is how you know this is they're feeling this way because of one thing or another and so if we can just put them in if we can put ourselves in other people's shoes it allows us to see them with more tenderness probably leads to less arguments yeah and perspective baking is such a key component of you know what emotional intelligence right or eq is the capacity to take the perspective of the other and i think that applies
00:24:05
Speaker
as a business leader, CEO, CFO, right? Who's running a business to get into perspective of their customer or, you know, whoever they're reaching, you know, what are they coming with and how to understand their need and their longies. I think that applies in, in a marriage, right? As in your case, a husband to your wife, like, Hey, how do I gain the perspective of my wife? Because I see it all the time and I do couples therapy is one of the types of therapies I do. And
00:24:28
Speaker
one of the biggest things and this is taken from research like you know the gatman's they've done fifty years of research in couples therapy one of the biggest things is that is having the perspective of the other is how do i get in their shoes and begin to be curious about what's going on not that i have to agree but that i actually listen take them seriously and show them respect and value what they're saying is important and
00:24:48
Speaker
when you do that amazing how conflict can be it begins to shorten the conflict and it lessens the emotional reactivity you gain empathy right because I think perspective taking is the doorway to empathy to understand to relate to somebody because often when you have that perspective you may not necessarily agree with what they're saying but you could probably relate to their emotional state or the feeling state like oh I know what that feels like so I can get how
00:25:13
Speaker
you know, you got to hear and I, and you might even bring up your own story. Yeah. When I felt this way, I did this and that didn't make sense either. But in so it shifts everything. And what a powerful, you know, skill to practice is perspective taking. And I had one of those moments recently where my wife and I were on our way to church and we were definitely going to be late and I could, I could feel it in my body that I was stressed. I didn't want to be there. And she said something to the extent of,
00:25:38
Speaker
She was like, you're the one like, you're the only one that cares if that we're late or not. I don't care for late. And and that made me angry for a moment. And I was like, but it should matter to you that I care about this. And I was kind of angry at her for for for a while. And then I began to think about all of the things probably at our house that matter to her.
00:26:00
Speaker
that I am not caring about. And I'm a messy person, right? So I leave cabinet doors open. I leave stuff in the sink. And it's right by the dishwasher. I can just put it in there. And those things, making the bed, those things matter to her and demonstrate that I value her, but I don't oftentimes do them. And so it really shifted my perspective instead of going, well, this should matter to you because it matters to me.
00:26:29
Speaker
I began to go, all right, well, I'm gonna start just working on those things that matter to her at home. And I think by that fruit, we will begin to continually selflessly serve one another and those things will, all of those pieces will come together. And so it was just a really big aha moment for me a couple of weeks
Johnny's Journey from Victim Mentality to Responsibility
00:26:52
Speaker
ago.
00:26:52
Speaker
Yeah. And those are, those are very, I think humbling in the sense of, you know, uh, you know, we could, and I think it's still valid though, right? I think there's a validity to it. It does represent something and, and okay. In what way am I also, how am I engaging in similar behavior and how do I have a perspective shift as well?
00:27:10
Speaker
Because both can be valid is that I think that level of awareness of we're always growing and learning and never, I don't think we're ever going to be, again, people could disagree. I don't think we're going to be done. I think we're always kind of growing and always evolving and always needing to pay attention to these areas of our lives. And then our lives do evolve to our context change. So dependent, you know, right now you're different than where you were two years ago, right? Or 10 years ago. And so in that sense, you have to continually evolve with the changing of the time.
00:27:37
Speaker
And so with this journey, you know, you're going back to this idea of you, not idea, but this, the work you've been putting into yourself, you know, physically, you know, psychologically, spiritually, relationally, you've been doing all these, these kind of intentional changes and being mindfully aware and then intending to do things differently. Can you speak to kind of, kind of a before and after shot, or I guess not a fake one with spray tan and, you know,
00:28:03
Speaker
But before and after of here's kind of what how Johnny was a little bit before maybe two or three things that he was noticing in his life prior to the shift and now after kind of being more aware of integration of kind of these parts of his life maybe two or three things he's noticing as the positive shift from that that maybe his friends are noticing he's noticing doesn't really matter I'm just curious if kind of we could kind of compare the two.
00:28:28
Speaker
I would say the big ones, one, I'll kind of just verbally process here for a minute, but I think that taking ownership and moving from a victim mentality
00:28:43
Speaker
to taking responsibility for what i can take responsibility for and kind of surrendering the rest would be some of the biggest changes that i've seen in me nor that other people have seen in me as well over the last couple of years i think it's so easy to constantly look at yourself as the center of the universe
00:29:07
Speaker
And so then when you are wronged or when someone is simply human, it can wreck your whole world. It can. You take it so personally, you take so much offense to it, you begin to hold grudges. And what do they
Reconciliation and Open Communication in Family
00:29:23
Speaker
say? Like unforgiveness is like
00:29:24
Speaker
is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die and so that's i think that's one of the biggest things i've learned is that it's so easy to play that victim role and sometimes it's it can be valid right sometimes things have happened to you out of your control and there needs to be a severance of relationships or there
00:29:47
Speaker
needs to be there needs to be some sort of third party help that takes place something like that but sometimes it's just about taking responsibility for what you can take responsibility for or taking action on the steps that you can that you can take and then surrendering the rest a great example of
00:30:08
Speaker
A year ago, my dad and I, we would talk every, every week. And I realized that it was because I was calling him. He was never calling me. And I let that like kind of seep into my bones a little bit. And I began to get bitter and I began to feel angry. And so I played this really unhealthy one-sided game of chicken with him. And I said, I'm going to just see how long it takes for him to call me rather than me calling him.
00:30:35
Speaker
And nine months went by, and every day I was angry. I was like, don't you care about me as your son? And these were things I was saying internally, but he was totally oblivious to it. He had no idea how it was impacting me, and it was ultimately kind of drinking that poison
00:30:56
Speaker
and expecting someone else to to to feel it but ultimately i was feeling it on a daily basis and so we went down to florida where i'm from and we went and played some top golf and on the way home we i just had i knew that when i was going down to florida that i was going to have to have this conversation with him
00:31:14
Speaker
And so I had the conversation. I just kind of said exactly what I said to you. Like I'm playing, to be honest with you, dad, I've been playing this game of chicken for the last nine months and you haven't called me once. And he was devastated at himself. He was, oh my, oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. Like I love you. Thank you so much for telling me.
00:31:33
Speaker
I don't want that to happen. He wanted to change. I just think about how I could have brought that up six months earlier and saved myself a lot of heartache and reconciled that situation so much sooner if I would have just not played the victim for that long. Now he calls me on a weekly basis. We just talked for a couple of minutes and then we go about and it's great.
00:32:01
Speaker
He listened, he is available, and he took notes, and now that situation has been reconciled. And really, my family, I'm a first-generation Christian, and there's been a lot of chaos for generations in my family. And by not calling him, by playing this stupid game of chicken with him, and now I'm getting a little long-winded, I was just perpetuating a cycle.
00:32:29
Speaker
of just sweeping things under the rug or not talking about things and letting things fester and then just turn into bitterness and anger and that just latches onto your heart. And it was just such a sweet learning life lesson experience for me.
00:32:48
Speaker
that I'll take into whatever next situation I get into and I'll deal with situations sooner because I see that recognition sooner is better than recognition later or not recognition, but reconciliation sooner is better than the reconciliation later.
00:33:03
Speaker
And I don't think that was long wind. I think that was needed to at least share with your father the story because what a powerful experience that, you know, as you've been working on yourself behind the scenes without your dad, recognizing that, hey, part of my family's history is, and part of our family's culture has been, we don't talk about we sweep things on the rug and avoid it. And when you play this chicken thing,
00:33:24
Speaker
you know i my guess is you're trying to test say does he care right and if he cared he would call right and that would be the maybe the the the test and then creating a measure that's the measure then i would know he cares or loves me whatever and then he didn't so the anger was seething and
00:33:40
Speaker
you know, every day that went by, it was like that poison was building. And then you, something clicked. It's like, wait a second. I'm doing the very thing that I don't like about my family, but I'm doing the very thing that my family has done. So I need to say something. And then you did. And then you, and then in a way that, not that this is always the case, but in this case,
00:33:59
Speaker
Your dad was shocked and it created a conversation. Right. Now it sounds like has been very life giving for both of you. And what a powerful story to like, oh my gosh, like in this case, that me saying something, doing it head on might have been uncomfortable for me, especially if my family culture has been not to say anything, not to bring something up. Yeah.
00:34:19
Speaker
but to go against the grain, so to speak. But I created a conversation, an opportunity, and he happened to, in a way, be shocked, and now is paying attention, is now doing that, because, you know, the other thing happening here is, what was his family culture like? And not that we say, well, because of his family culture, it's okay. I'm not saying it's okay. It's more of like, hey, this family culture, too, was sweeping things under the rug. He was probably doing what he needed, what he needed to do. He comes naturally. It's the perspective thing, because this is what he's experienced up to this point in his life.
00:34:49
Speaker
So you changed it from your journey of working on yourself.
Overcoming Fears and Embracing Change
00:34:55
Speaker
And to expect anything different than how he was reacting is silly of me. And then on the flip side, if the conversation wouldn't have gone that well.
00:35:06
Speaker
that was hitting the lottery with that conversation. But all I'm responsible for is bringing that out into the light and bringing that to the surface. And I can't be responsible for how he responds. I can just put that out there. And if he responds negatively, well, then that's on him. And that will determine kind of where the relationship goes as well. And so, yeah.
00:35:29
Speaker
But I'm wondering with this conversation, you know, think of two years ago, Johnny, do you think you would have been ready for that conversation in that way? Do you think you would have addressed it similarly? Do you think you would have gone differently? I know, you know, it's kind of a weird hindsight 2020 thing, but, you know, looking back to giant two years ago or three years ago, do you think it would have gone the same way you would have responded or would you just kept going? It's like, I'm gonna keep playing chicken, you know?
00:35:52
Speaker
Yeah, I think I would have done it alone. I think that I would have probably swallowed it. I probably would have let it let it fester longer. But I brought this before my group. I brought I brought this before my wife and asked for their counsel.
00:36:08
Speaker
and even just helping with the wording of what i needed to say or just getting it out because the longer it lives up in your head without you saying it it becomes much of a bigger deal i call it i call it gray spaghetti when it's up in your head because everything's touching
00:36:23
Speaker
it's not black and white and it's just all jumbled. But then as you begin to talk about it, I tell people talk about it and talk about it some more and when you're tired of talking about it, talk about it some more because the more you talk about it, the less scary it typically is, the less overwhelming it is, you begin to bring it out into the light and it becomes, it kind of gets on train tracks, if you will, and you're able to see a path forward.
00:36:47
Speaker
And so I think I wouldn't have been as articulate or it would have been more of a heated conversation than it would have been a loving conversation.
00:36:58
Speaker
Yeah. On your part, you would probably be more fueled by the anger and hurt rather than more like, Hey, I'm trying to kind of remain in a collected space and hear him out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I like the gray spaghetti. And it's funny you say that because that's one of the most common things I deal with in my therapy office is that is, is the, the, it stays the, to use your language, the gray spaghetti. So when you're there, it's hard to get perspective when you stay there. And I can't tell you how many hundreds of times I've had this experience with clients.
00:37:28
Speaker
of when we, you know, I kind of, I love having a whiteboard because I write down their thoughts on the board and have them see it. And kind of what they do and their behaviors and their thoughts and their beliefs and their emotions and kind of how it like feeds into itself. And often this gray spaghetti, especially if they're stuck like with anger or hurt or sadness or anxiety or worry. And when they see it, they often look and they're like, sometimes they laugh out loud.
00:37:51
Speaker
because they realize like that's ridiculous. But until they see it, they don't see the ridiculousness of it. They just believe it to be true that this is the truth and this is how it is, how it's always been. And so it's hard to get perspective. But I write it down and also it's in the presence of another, me. So it's not alone like you said, it's like I reached out to people. So there's power in the social connection with others.
00:38:14
Speaker
Yeah. And not just anybody, right? I'd say some level of safety and trust with these people. Absolutely. I think that's important. I want to say that. But when you have that, it's like you get to bounce these ideas off someone else and they give feedback and what is their perspective and it starts to shift your perspective or give you a different perspective and how powerful that can be. And that goes back to your, you know, how you've been investing in your social aspect of your life.
00:38:37
Speaker
with the groups you've been in, also sharing more things with your wife and like, hey, if I do this alone, it's gonna, and I think for a lot of men, most they tend to kind of try to do the lone wolf thing. It's like, I'm gonna do it alone, I'm gonna do alone, but it tends to lead to lesser than favorable outcomes because you just have just your own gray, gray matter, gray spaghetti to go off of. And so what a powerful story. I'm so honestly warmed that to know that you and your dad
00:39:02
Speaker
and i think this happened very recently right this conversation yeah i mean this was in the last six months so this was over thanksgiving and so it's a big deal big deal really big congrats man i i wish you and your dad the best and moving forward like yeah sounds like a sounds like a family generational change absolutely um and you were part of that and him were part of the process
00:39:23
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And for him to be so open to the conversation was such a gift as well. And you look back and it's so easy to dream up these wild scenarios where he reaches over the car and punches me in the face. That's unrealistic. The reality is that this whole time, I should have expected that response from him.
00:39:48
Speaker
But it's so easy to make these really scary scenarios where it's a drag out screaming fight or something like that. But the reality is that's not usually going to happen. They're probably going to be pretty receptive, what you're saying, if you approach it well.
00:40:03
Speaker
Yeah, and I do like what you said. This is very true for those that are listening. That's why I was even choosing my words carefully because I am actually excited for Johnny because that was also my experience with my father. We didn't talk for a number of years. Mine was a little different. I didn't play chicken. I was very intentional with stepping away. But needless to say, we have a great relationship now and we've had numerous conversations over years. It was ongoing.
00:40:27
Speaker
But I know that's not the case for everybody. And for some people, and you mentioned this earlier, as we were talking, that sometimes it means taking a step back from a relationship entirely. And for some people listening, that might be what you need to do as part of a healthy art of your decision. So this is really so person dependent and context dependent. It's not for everybody, but of course,
00:40:49
Speaker
My heart is a therapist and as a healer I'm sure Johnny's too is like a coach and doing this is we would love to see I think restoration in the end I think that's the ideal yes, how do we restore? Yeah, but the reality is we know that that's not always the case both ends, right? Yep
00:41:06
Speaker
And so we can only do it with what we can control, which is again, something you hit on.
Johnny's Personal Anecdotes and Interests
00:41:10
Speaker
And I love that you hit on that. What can I control? You know, cause playing the victim like, okay, how do I seek responsibility for my side of the street? How do I care for myself? And then when I go into any relationship, whether it's intimate and relational or business or on Instagram as the tattooed husband, whatever I do, how do I take that into this, this particular context?
00:41:30
Speaker
And control with what I can. And have awareness too and practice awareness of like, hey, am I missing something? Maybe I am. And then that's why you have a group of people around you. It's like, what a powerful thing of being kind of integrated, connected, holistically healthy. And so with that said, again, I'm so stoked for you and I really am for you and your dad. I think it's, I always love hearing these stories because it's so, I think it just shows the power of kind of vulnerability and connection with other human beings and how, and how restoration can take place.
00:41:59
Speaker
So with that said, if people want to work with you, where can we find you or can we access Johnny? Yeah, so everything is the tattooed husband. So there is the tattooed husband at gmail.com, my website.
00:42:12
Speaker
is thetattooedhusband.com. My Instagram, my TikTok is thetattooedhusband. You can reach me at johnny at thetattooedhusband.com. So it's all the tattooed husband. Make sure you add two O's in there. Otherwise, it's the tattooed husband. And it's a very common mistake. It's a different site. Yeah, totally different site. Yeah, a whole different group of people.
00:42:37
Speaker
So yeah, thetattooedhusband.com, you can reach me there. You can reach me through direct messaging on Instagram. I have a TikTok, but I'm not on it very much. And yeah, that's definitely okay. And as a tattooed husband, what's your favorite tattoo?
00:42:51
Speaker
I have a big lion and lamb head with an orchid on my back that I like a lot. All my favorite ones are on my back, so I never see them, but they're my favorite ones. I want more, but every time I go to sit down in the tattoo chair and get one, I'm like, why am I doing this? This hurts so bad.
00:43:13
Speaker
and then right afterwards i'm like i want another one right now i i'm the same it's the money too it's like yeah it's like although i'm having one for my 40th because i'm turning 40 this year um going to scotland with my wife and a good friend of ours and his wife they're godparents of each other's kids and uh we're doing a shared scotland tattoo so i'm very excited for that um
00:43:33
Speaker
That'd be good, that'd be good. Yeah, most of my sessions were like six hours. And so I think I could handle like a one hour session pretty easily. Yeah, this will be my shortest one, which I've done. Yeah, I've done longer ones. I think my first one was I went with a quarter sleeve and I was like, I had my very first tattoo. Anyway, this is a whole tattoo. I do have a whole podcast episode. And a final question. I've been doing this lately because it's fun. What's the current, what are you spinning on music right now? What's something you're listening to on repeat?
00:44:00
Speaker
Oh, Chelsea Cutler has been the music that I've been listening to recently. So I don't know if you've heard her or not, but she's got a really melodious kind of, almost an alto voice singer songwriter. So if you've ever listened to, so that's, that's kind of who I'm hooked on. I think my, my, you know, my most listened to artist for 2024 has already been locked in as Chelsea Cutler probably on Spotify, but kind of just full key singer songwriter, good lyrics,
00:44:30
Speaker
And so that's what I've been hooked on recently. Awesome. I'll go check it out, Chelsea. I've been asking it lately because it's fun to, it's fun how music inspires what we were listening to. Plus it gives me something to check out. I always love listening to music and, you know, whatnot, Chelsea Cutler. So I'm gonna go check her out. Is there one song or record I should start with that you recommend?
00:44:47
Speaker
There's one with the word bones in it. I think it's probably one with bones. Honestly, I think it's called bones, but it's good. All right. I'll Google it. It'll help me. Yeah. That'll show up right away. So well, Johnny, thank you so much for your time, man. You have a blessed rest of your day. And yeah, thank you. Absolutely. Thank you for your time. It's great talking with you.