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Stop Reacting, Start Responding: Presence & Nervous System Hacks for Men
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This week, Travis and Pierre dive into the fourth “P” of purpose: Presence—the core skill every man needs to stop reacting and start responding with intention.
They break down what presence really means—beyond buzzwords—and share practical, research-backed tools from polyvagal theory to help men regulate their nervous systems, stay grounded, and live with clarity.
Why Presence Matters:
Presence isn’t just being “in the moment”—it’s your ability to check in, know what you feel, and respond with purpose, not impulse. It’s how you stay aligned with your values in real life—under pressure, in conflict, or when life feels heavy.
Key Takeaways:
- Presence = Nervous System Awareness
Learn how to recognize when you’re calm, triggered, or disconnected—and what to do about it. - Pause Before You React
Master the “power of the pause” to break free from anger, shame, or numbing cycles. - Emotions Are Strength
Emotional presence is courageous. Use emotions as signals—not something to hide.
Challenge:
Pause. Check in.
What state are you in?
What do you really need right now?
Notice how presence changes your response—and your life.
🎧 Listen now and join the journey at menscollective.co
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Instagram: Braver.Man
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Transcript
Consequences of Ignoring Emotions
00:00:00
Speaker
Not being able to identify emotional states, recognize them, communicate them, respond to them in meaningful ways means ultimately they're going to continue to dominate us.
00:00:12
Speaker
Yeah. in ways that we don't want or ways that hurt us or hurt the people who are important to us. So if if there's a P that strikes me as the most ballsy, it's this one.
Introduction to 'Five P's of Purpose'
00:00:26
Speaker
Well said. Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the Men's Collective Podcast. um Coming back again as we continue exploring the five P's of purpose that we work on embodying and having as our foundation at the Men's Collective um as part of the work that we do within our eight-week cohorts and just kind of our DNA um as the broader Men's
Exploring 'Presence' in the Men's Collective
00:00:52
Speaker
Collective. And so and we've already covered the first three Ps, and today we are exploring the fourth, which is presence.
00:01:01
Speaker
um And so what do we mean by presence here at the Collective Pierre? what is How do we define that? How does that look? And how does that and invite us into something deeper? Yeah.
00:01:11
Speaker
We often talk about presence in two different ways. The first being focused awareness or mindfulness, staying in the present moment.
00:01:24
Speaker
And the second is kind of a different... It's almost embodying of being carrying yourself with a strength of presence and, and they both involve.
00:01:37
Speaker
I think they both involve some important appreciations of how our neuroscience works and also our, our nervous system's regulation, because we end up talking about, about focus,
00:01:55
Speaker
And about awareness to our own emotion and being able to regulate those emotional experience, to feel them, to allow them to pass over us, to be able to communicate them.
00:02:11
Speaker
And so we start with how to navigate presence in terms of mindfulness and and then move into once we're aware and once we're focused how is it that we experience our own our own emotional state what does it say to us and how do we respond to it so that we don't interfere in a meaningful way with the last p which is principles so we don't do something that violates our values or hurts our relationships right in fact in many cases
00:02:54
Speaker
When we know how to harness our presence, how to harness our mindfulness, and how to articulate our experience of emotion, it becomes much easier to act in accordance with the values that we named.
00:03:12
Speaker
Absolutely.
Misconceptions about Mindfulness
00:03:13
Speaker
And to speak more to that, to give a little insight into what we teach ah in the collective and the cohort and what we do here is, you know, you know, mindfulness is such a big term that people look into and like, well, how does it look? And, you know, is it something that just people in tight yoga pants do? Yeah.
00:03:31
Speaker
ah you know, are are monks with shaved heads that live in a monastery. And sure, those all these people do these things. Or, you know, how far back does it go to the dawn? I think it does go back to the dawn of man. It's nothing new um that people have been mindful. But I think the part that the angle we take as well is this nervous system regulation through our nervous system. And I think that's the big thing, the foundation that we're laying here is the power of the autonomic nervous system kind of which is grounded in in the polyvagal theory, which is backed by a lot of research and um neuroscience and the studying of the brain and the body and how it interacts.
Understanding Nervous System States
00:04:12
Speaker
And really, the our need to be aware of what state am I in What nervous system state am I in Which is really being mindful, right? Where am I? am Do I am aware where I'm at, where I'm operating from? Because You know, to kind of paraphrase and quote um Dr. Porges, who was the founder of the polyvagal theory, really dependent upon what nervous system state we are in is how we experience ourselves and the world around us.
00:04:45
Speaker
So it shapes how we respond and or react to the world and to ourselves. And so if we're not, if we're mindless, if we're not aware of where we are, we're going to be one, probably not living in our values and our, in our principles, right? We, it'll probably be difficult to going back to the previous P because we're not gonna be aware of what's happening, but more importantly, we're going to probably find that we're more reactionary um and, and, and ways that we may react in ways that later we're kind of beating ourselves up for because we did something again that we didn't want to do.
00:05:20
Speaker
um or i said the thing I said I would never say, or I did that in a way of guilt and shame that comes in. And so we want to kind of move away from being kind of mindless and living reactionarily.
00:05:31
Speaker
and so i don't know if that's a word made that up, reactionarily. Yeah. it floated To being mindful and and responsive. And so, you know, our three nervous system states, those that don't know real quick, as we know, it's our parasympathetic state or ventral, which is our state of health, growth, and restoration. It's where we feel grounded. We feel connected. We feel,
00:05:50
Speaker
um calm, we feel open, we feel aware of ourselves and those around us. And then our first line defense, and again, this is all our hard wiring as mammals that's built into our nervous system for threat, is that we move into the fight or flight state.
00:06:06
Speaker
That fight flight really um state of mobilization to deal with a real or perceived threat. And that's fueled by anxiety, by worry, which is our flight state.
00:06:20
Speaker
And our fight state is fueled by anger, annoyance, frustration. right And those states serve a purpose, you know an adaptive purpose to deal with life, um whether it's our work life, our family life, societal life, whatever. And when it's when it's working for us, it mobilizes us to effectively respond.
00:06:41
Speaker
right when it's ineffective, when it's working against us or if we're stuck in that state, an overactive state, that leads to exhaustion, to burnout, to ah being reactive um to to those around us and to ourselves, to an inability to relax and being constantly on edge and i can't or I can't sleep and I'm thinking and I can't shut my mind off. and but It leads to that kind of way of, don't want to call it living, but kind of just surviving.
00:07:14
Speaker
And so, you know, that part of our nervous system serves two kind of primary ways, whether it's for us or against us. And part of that is we need to be aware of that. Are we living in that state most of the time? And for a lot of men I've worked with, I think they kind of live and operate more kind of in that kind of hyperactive, hypervigilant, anxious anger state for various reasons.
00:07:35
Speaker
And then the final state, um well, there's this blended state of freeze, which kind of propels us between kind of ah a mobilized state of activation of fight flight. But then it also moves us into a state of what we call the other part of the parasip the other part of the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system, which is the dorsal branch, which is shut down, immobilized, dissociative, disconnected, numb state of survival. It's kind of what what a possum does. it It plays dead when there's a threat.
00:08:05
Speaker
It shuts down. And so we also can exist in that state. And when it's working for us, it's a place where our body kind of shuts everything down just to kind of just to survive. And it could it could serve often an adaptive ah process for us.
00:08:20
Speaker
But where it's not
Importance of Embodiment Practices
00:08:21
Speaker
adaptive, where we get stuck, is where we operate in kind of this numb, disconnected, mindless space. disassociative state from ourselves from our friends and family we are often low energy we're not motivated we feel stuck and overwhelmed off the time um we can't we feel just kind of blah and kind of like aimless right and so becoming also aware of are we existing in that state often too much and then understanding why and unpacking that like
00:08:54
Speaker
that helps give a tremendous amount of information becoming aware. And we can move through these states quite quickly depending on what's happening in our life. And we move in and out and it's a flow. And so part of the work we do in presence is we need to be aware of where am I right now?
00:09:08
Speaker
And that's, we do a lot of embodiment practices in our calls um weekly to check in, to become aware because as men, that awareness, that presence, that presence,
00:09:23
Speaker
ah is like it's a powerful tool. And without it, we are if we if we are disconnected from our awareness of our self, of where we are, we'll kind of, I think, to some degree, always remain stuck and reactionary.
00:09:37
Speaker
um So we need that skill. That muscle has to be worked out. And on a regular basis, it's a skill that we need to become aware of, practicing presence. Where am I? Checking in, listening, because once we know that, then we could have...
00:09:51
Speaker
An awareness of what direction do I need to go in? What skills or tools do I need to really help me navigate this? What do I really need to help me move through this state? um And what is contributing to where I'm at right now? Is it something that...
00:10:07
Speaker
I can change and let go of and shift or is it something that really I can't really change this and really this is just the state I need to be in because again sometimes we are in a survival state due to our environment our our circumstances and that's the best we can do we don't want to shame it we don't want to say oh yeah I'm here because of these things and how do I do my best to not get sucked in and controlled by them but use these nervous system states as informative that help us make the most effective decision as we can Yeah, brilliant.
00:10:38
Speaker
In a lot of ways, all of our nervous system states are important for certain
Mindfulness and Its Benefits
00:10:43
Speaker
times. Yes. And it's hugely powerful to be able to recognize where am I right now?
00:10:52
Speaker
And how do I operate in a way that doesn't that can be most effective? Again, in line with were thinking about my story, my values,
00:11:06
Speaker
The ways that I see the world around me, but also what's likely to emerge from me right now. If I'm in a, if I'm trying to force a state away or I'm not fully owning where I am, then.
00:11:24
Speaker
I'm living in a place of mindlessness or at least not being present. And I think this is another one where presence often feels sort of sort of squishy.
00:11:35
Speaker
But yeah man, you when you feel it, you know it. And when you see another man who's got it, it's pretty strong. I mean, it's a powerful precursor to... to discipline, to productivity, to efficiency.
00:11:49
Speaker
mean, even the studies on just mindfulness alone have shown greater gratitude, less hostility, more fulfilling interactions, fewer depressive anxiety symptoms.
00:12:04
Speaker
Even physiologic responses like a lower resting heart rate, lower respiratory rate. And there's some really powerful evidence around showing up in a purposeful, mindful way.
00:12:17
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, and because if we don't, if we're not paying attention, that's, ah we get so and stuck in so many different ways in our lives, at work, at home, with friends, with family.
00:12:28
Speaker
I mean, even practically speaking, I'm, when I'm operating at my best, I'm very keenly aware of what what, what, what, what am I sensing internally before I go into this, whether I'm talking to my kids or to my wife or work.
00:12:40
Speaker
yeah It's like, if I'm unaware, that's usually when I'm reactionary. Yeah. If I take that moment to pause and just kind of just, hey, where am I being mindful? Oh, okay, that's where I am. What's an effective response here in this moment?
00:12:53
Speaker
I feel like yelling or I feel like doing this because we all get in those moments. It's like, oh, that's not
Aligning Actions with Values
00:12:58
Speaker
effective. That's me operating out of an overwhelm of my nervous system that's putting me into a fight state. Or maybe I'm trying to numb out right now because of all the stress and maybe I'm over-relying on alcohol, binge watching shows, whatever.
00:13:17
Speaker
And really what I need is actually not to numb out, but I need connection, right? Because often what we really need is some type of connection with groundedness to help navigate, move through this um rather than disconnection, isolation, right? And because often what happens too, if we were reactionary, maybe I yell at my kids and my wife,
00:13:37
Speaker
Well, then what tends to happen for most men is then they have a whole other cycle on top of that. right Now the shame. And that often leads to now numbing and disassociating because now that's so overwhelming. So i have to get away from that. And then I'm stuck in this cycle of living from an overactive, angry, irritable state to now shame and disconnection and numbing. And then I kind of stay in this infinite loop rather than, a man, if I could just pause and ask, the power of pause, of mindfulness,
00:14:03
Speaker
okay, what do I actually need right now? Which I know for a lot of men is a question they've never maybe never asked what they really truly need. Like, what do I actually need? yeah And learning to ask that question and seeing that that's a powerful, very powerful question to ask.
00:14:17
Speaker
It's not sissy woo-woo stuff, but it's actually... one of the most important questions to ask and to be good at answering because then we know how we could effectively navigate this to a place where we're connected and we're integrated with our values that we are living a life that is grounded and moving us in a direction that where we want to go.
00:14:36
Speaker
Yeah, know for sure. You know, the other, it also brings up this other bit around being aware of our own emotional state. I mean,
00:14:49
Speaker
this is another really big P in part because we're touching on things that don't often get connected to men's work or even the way in which we're invited to share our experiences.
00:15:06
Speaker
Right. Because, and we see this a lot because even when we ask men how we feel or how they feel, you know, I suppose I can also just speak to my own experience when people,
00:15:19
Speaker
When I'm usually asked how I'm doing or how I'm feeling, it's often it's often fine. It's often just sort of glossing over things. It's not really an invitation for me to check in and think, well, I might actually be operating today with a lot of anxiety or I might be operating today with a lot of sadness it that I'm trying to hold in.
00:15:41
Speaker
yeah And somehow those experiences, emotional experiences that get held in, they find a way out. And sometimes they're not. you I mean, my experience, especially when that emotion has been anger and I've judged it, tried to sort of will it away. It's still there.
00:16:03
Speaker
What do I do with it? How do I respond to it? think that's a big part of navigating presence, being able to communicate in a way that honors our emotional experiences, doesn't judge it away, and uses it to our favor, not to our detriment.
Body Awareness and Emotional Regulation
00:16:20
Speaker
Yeah, it's informative. it's it's It's informing us of something. It's learning actually to listen to the power of the body. I think so many men, and myself included at times, we're very dis you were head up, you know neck up, we call it. like We're disconnected from...
00:16:34
Speaker
the body and the body actually has a tremendous amount of information from all the work I've done and expertise I've done in practice with the Institute and just body work and somatic work is like, wow, there is like,
00:16:45
Speaker
Growing up, I didn't really think about that you know um as a kid. But man, with if we are disconnected, it's going to show up in so many ways that we that just creates more stuckness.
00:16:56
Speaker
Like you said, that it just it just keeps us stuck. But once we learn the power of the body and what's our nervous system saying to us, man, it unlocks a whole plethora of awareness of anxiety.
00:17:09
Speaker
non-judgment of actually oh that's what's going on it helps us be in a place of curiosity and listening and like what's it informing me and what is it really based on now i can do something with it and actually be okay with where i'm at like i'm sad and that's okay and what do i really need if i am sad or if i'm anxious and how do I, what do I do here? And actually when we ask that kind of question, it leads to actually a place often of groundedness, of connection, of of relief, right? Of release rather than it seeping and leaking in ways that creates more stuff for us as men.
00:17:45
Speaker
um and also I know we're coming up against a lot of tropes around men of what we should shouldn't do. So I know that's a big thing of obviously this and what we teach in the cohort as well is also practices. of How do we actually do this? Not just talking, but do this practice, practice it this way.
00:17:59
Speaker
And we give you the tools necessary to take this concept and actually put it into your day in and day out lives. Because that's, that's really where the rubber meets the road here. The work we do is that we got to just take this and actually apply it, not just talking conceptually, but now what, how do I do this?
00:18:19
Speaker
And we do that in a lot of ways. One of which is just basic daily practices, breath work, different things. Also with, connecting with other men, right? And actually showing how to do nervous system and nervous system conversations and how powerful that can be.
00:18:35
Speaker
And so, you know, any final thoughts on presence before we you close out today? it's a huge one. I am i know it is. Well, it is. And you know, I, I think about all the important ways in which just being able to appreciate emotion and how to respond to it is it's a massive and really powerful skill.
00:19:03
Speaker
yeah i I think about it in terms of connecting with other people, especially in, in marriages or romantic relationships, but not just there. mean, it's important in friendships. It's important ah at work.
00:19:17
Speaker
As a parent? Yeah. For sure. Oh, man.
Presence in Relationships and Work
00:19:20
Speaker
It's definitely important as a parent. Oh, yeah. I feel all time. Yeah. I believe it. Yeah. I believe it. So it's a really... It's a powerful one. It's not an easy one.
00:19:29
Speaker
I'm also thinking, you know, this is probably... one of the hardest of the, or most challenging of the piece because so much of, of the story, the programming around masculinity avoids entirely the idea of,
00:19:51
Speaker
emotional response. It's very anti. Very. Very anti. what is this it doesn't it It doesn't make a lot of sense. In a lot of ways, it is an incredibly powerful, yes powerful skill that were we don't often see used in a in a positive way. So I think it's...
00:20:13
Speaker
it is It is often where we see some really strong connection and deep personal digging yeah
Masculinity and Emotional Presence
00:20:27
Speaker
for men.
00:20:27
Speaker
Yeah, think so too. Yeah, it's up it's a really powerful thing. It's a powerful thing to see. Yeah. And I i agree. i also understand why so many of us are so disconnected because of the and kind of immature, rigid views of masculinity that kind of cuts us off. And I'm like like, once you understand the science behind it, I'm like, dude, how do you yeah he ah discount this? Like, it literally just...
00:20:55
Speaker
look just So yeah, anyway, I could talk. Yeah, mean, there like so your your body's risk, your brain and your body's response house to past experience? Yeah.
00:21:07
Speaker
And it's not just some bullshit that you've got to hide. No, no, no. Yeah. And we're not talking about like turning into... puddles of mush whenever we talk about emotion and that's not really i think that and that would be effective either puddles of mush i've said this a few times and i think it keeps coming up and i i'm speaking for myself too men tend to be where we tend to be extremists so i think oftentimes if we think we're we're letting the cat out of the bag or we're we're um
00:21:44
Speaker
by touching on something like emotions that we're just going to like go to the opposite extreme and, and, um, and not be able to regulate. It's quite the opposite. in fact, not being able to identify emotional states, recognize them, communicate them, respond to them in meaningful ways means ultimately they're going to continue to dominate us.
00:22:08
Speaker
Yeah. in ways that we don't want or ways that hurt us or hurt the people who are important to us. So if, if there's a P that strikes me as the most ballsy, it's this one.
00:22:22
Speaker
Yeah.
Conclusion and Next Steps
00:22:24
Speaker
Well said. um Well, yeah, I think it's a ah great note to end on that this is one that in a way is the, I would say even most adventurous in a way.
00:22:33
Speaker
Yeah. And it requires, I think, a lot of courage to just given the typical um way that we have been trained as men. It takes a lot of courage to see this as actually being courageous and brave and strong.
00:22:46
Speaker
right and so you know if you're looking for more of this if if you want to understand more about what we do here the collective just go to menscollective.co for more information for about the cohorts about the collective which is where we go and talk about this that we don't just talk but we do it we practice it we engage it we unpack it and again we'd love to hear from you and check it out anytime. But until then, we'll see you next week with our final P of power.
00:23:14
Speaker
And Pierre, enjoy your day, man. You too.