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Men & Emotional Labor: Balancing Work, Family, and Self
114 Plays1 month ago
Welcome to this week's episode of The Integrated Man Project! After a brief hiatus, I am back with exciting updates and an engaging discussion addressing the often-overlooked topic of mental load carried by men.
In today's episode, we will explore the mental and emotional responsibilities that fathers and husbands navigate daily, drawing parallels to the well-documented mental load often shouldered by mothers. We delve into the invisible burden of tracking, planning, and managing family and household tasks and highlights the importance of compassion, curiosity, and active engagement in sharing these duties.
Show Keypoints and Highlights:
- Announcement of Changes: Starting January 2025, Travis will be opening two more days in his therapy and coaching practice. This means more opportunities for one-on-one sessions and men's groups.
- Shift in Podcast Format: Travis plans to incorporate more bite-sized, 10-15 minute episodes focusing on personal experiences, professional insights, and common themes from his practice. Interviews will still happen but less frequently.
- Understanding the Mental Load: Travis delves into the invisible mental load carried by men, offering a nuanced view that emphasizes teamwork, compassion, and a shared responsibility between partners. He encourages men to get more involved in the emotional and logistical aspects of family life.
Challenge Question:
How can you start a conversation with your partner this week about the invisible mental load they are carrying, and what can you do to actively share that burden?
That's it for this week's episode. I'm really looking forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences on this crucial topic. Don't forget to subscribe and join the mailing list for updates on all the exciting changes coming up. Until next time, take care and step up for your family.
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Transcript
Podcast Updates and Future Direction
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the podcast. I know it's been a little bit of a minute since I released my last episode. um And again, my take responsibility, my apologies. It wasn't intentional. Just life kind of happened, got busy with family stuff and um just new things changing and some exciting changes that I've kind of hinted at.
00:00:18
Speaker
on the podcast before. And so I wanted to share a bit more about what's gonna be changing coming up moving forward first and foremost starting January of 2025. I'm very excited to announce I'm gonna be opening two more days for my kind of therapy and coaching practice to have more time and space to work with those who want to work with me.
00:00:36
Speaker
whether it's in a one-on-one setting or ah men's groups, um which I'm very excited to be offering more of those. So stay tuned. And if you want to stay up to date with any changes coming to my podcast, YouTube channel, or kind of what I offer professionally, you want to get on the free mailing list. um Super easy link in the description. Click on it.
00:00:54
Speaker
And I wanted to also share some changes with the podcast. This has predominantly been run by interviews, interviewing guests like yourself, ah the professionals, therapists, authors, et cetera. And it's been so amazing to be able to have these rich conversations. These will continue, but they will be lessened. I'm going to have more kind of smaller digestible episodes about things that I'm facing either personally, things I'm learning and growing in on a personal level,
00:01:24
Speaker
as a man, as a dad, as a husband, and professionally, as well as things that I'm hearing kind of often, themes that I hear in my practice, whether in my coaching or clinical practice, that I'm noticing time and time again. So I want to give some kind of thought or you know, guidance or share my own ideas around these particular topics. So these are going to be shorter episodes. I'm going to aim, you know, 10 to 15 minutes at most, trying to keep these kind of more shorter, again, more digestible. You could listen
Balancing Work and Family: Is It Possible?
00:01:53
Speaker
to it on a quick break rather than having to dive in for an hour, hour and a half.
00:01:57
Speaker
um Again, I love those conversations because we can go really deep, but I also understand that time is limited. So I'm trying to make some changes. I would love to hear what you think about it moving forward. I would love to hear your input um and what you would like out of the show. Again, because I want this to be useful. I want this to be something that you enjoy listening to, that you get content out of, that you get ideas off of, and I also want your input to make it better. So if you want to share as well, definitely get on that mailing list and and share your ideas. So without further ado, we're going to jump into this week's episode.
00:02:29
Speaker
I need to make sure my family is financially secure. It's on me to provide and I can't let them down. And I often wonder if I'm ever going to feel like it's enough. I want to be present with my kids, but work demands so take so much of my time and I constantly feel like I'm sacrificing one for the other. I want to be a partner that she needs. I want to share in the load and supporting her emotionally, but they're just times I feel like I'm not doing enough or that I'm just not getting it right.
00:02:55
Speaker
I keep telling myself to push through that I can't afford to slow down, but deep down, I know I'm not taking care of my own health physically or mentally. Am I setting the right example? Am I guiding them the way I should? Disciplining teaching values, preparing them for what life will throw at them, man, it's a lot to carry. So it's important to note that men to carry a mental load just like mothers.
00:03:16
Speaker
Now, a quick working definition to understand kind of this invisible mental load that most of us will be more familiar with is this. The invisible mental load refers to the constant, often unseen mental effort required to manage a household and family. This mental load involves not just completing tasks.
00:03:33
Speaker
but the mental tracking, planning, anticipating, and remembering of countless details that ensure smooth family functioning. Mothers are often the ones who carry this invisible burden even if they share many of the physical tasks of parenting and household management with their partners.
00:03:49
Speaker
Now,
Understanding the Mental Load in Partnerships
00:03:50
Speaker
I've done an episode previously on the podcast around the invisible mental load of mothers. Go check that out. Also, I'll leave a link to it in the description for easy access. Now, I made a post recently about sharing often the invisible, the kind of the mental load that fathers carry. And there's a comment or two made that essentially says that I clearly don't know what the mental load is.
00:04:12
Speaker
Now, what I wanted to offer was that, yes, just like the working definition I gave here is often these kind of this invisible task of the tracking, planning, anticipating all these needs, and often mothers tend to carry that, at least this invisible labor that goes often unnoticed or unseen or just expected of them. And there's different reasons as to why around socialization of what it means to be mother or feminine or or it means to be father or masculine.
00:04:36
Speaker
And what I want to offer is ah a broader picture, one that is inclusive, one that is working toward teamwork, one that is often, one that is working toward connection and support. Now, here's my quick thought is that, yes, I think men, fathers need to do a better job, much better job at understanding the emotional, kind of that invisible mental low that mu their wives are carrying, that I think men can do more for the day-to-day tasks. They need to be involved with the planning and the tracking.
00:05:05
Speaker
and but you know the school drop-offs, the tasks of the household, like all the stuff that mothers are tracking, the emotional labor, all these things, and be more involved and understanding. And so what I want to offer is not so much about who has more, who's doing more, who is you know doing the heavier lifting, but rather approaching one another with compassion and curiosity. And I think I want to encourage men listening to this. It starts with you. It starts with you taking that step of approaching your wife and your partner, inquiring what are the things she has to get done this week with the house, with the kids, with scheduling, with planning, with family, all that stuff. And how do you begin to understand all those things, all those tasks, those daily tasks that she is taking on and to get involved with understanding how you can help take some of that on yourself this week.
00:05:54
Speaker
And this is going to be coming from an ongoing conversation with your partner, with your wife, not just once, not a one and done, but a ongoing week to week check in as life evolves, as seasons change, as the schedules get busier. And part of
Sharing Mental Loads: How Can Men Contribute?
00:06:09
Speaker
that reason why is as you're pushing into and stepping into her world, therefore making that emotional, that mental load no longer invisible, but seen, but noticed, but understood, and also taken on and carried and helped and aided, you become more involved, therefore giving her the relief often much needed so she feels supported by you. Now on the flip side, often a lot of men, and this is what I tend to hear too, is that often there's this huge load of fathers that goes unnoticed that men are not sharing, that men tend to keep to themselves. And this is often, for most men, I think rooted in more of a rigid view of what it means to be a man, and what it means to be masculine, what it means to be a father.
00:06:44
Speaker
this kind of these really narrowed norms. And so part of what I want to offer today is that as we work towards actually understanding compassionate curiosity, how do I help my wife understand what her load is? What is an invisible mental load? So it's no longer invisible, but also how do I let her into my life? What is all that weight that I'm carrying?
00:07:03
Speaker
How do I let her to see and to offer her support for me? And as we do that, we share that burden. The burden becomes lighter. It becomes more manageable. It becomes more known and no longer invisible. And as we do that, we get connection. We feel supported. We feel understood. We feel seen. We're not trying to be in isolation, kind of white knuckle our way through life. Not trying to just, you know, be, you know, man up, but rather, hey, I have someone in my life who wants to be on my team who can support me. and I want to support her. I want to be part of her solution. I want to be involved, as involved more involved with the kids than maybe my parents. I want
Shared Values for Better Work-Life Balance
00:07:41
Speaker
to be more involved as a dad, more engaged, not just going to work, coming home and checking out, but I want to be in my kid's life, in my wife's life. And this is why I think this is such an important topic and why I think we need to work toward, again, not the rhetoric of here's the invisible loan for mothers and here's the thing for fathers and we're going to continue to have this big chasm, but rather how do we come together
00:08:01
Speaker
And so some I wanted to talk about a couple differences and similarities between mothers and fathers. And some of the similarities are this, that both are working to providing for the family. Both mothers and fathers ah kind of take on that financial responsibility and providing a safe and stable home environment. And there's often this worry about planning for the future for both. Often this kind of, you know, what do we do to care for our family? And at times it might manifest and look differently between mothers and fathers.
00:08:25
Speaker
The second would be balancing work and family life. Now, this is different, you know, for stay-at-home mothers or stay-at-home dads versus, you know, out-of-home working fathers and mothers. um and But often there's this experience of challenging and managing the careers
Father's Role in Child Development: What Matters?
00:08:37
Speaker
or being present or, you know, how do we do that best? And my encouragement is whatever your makeup of is your home is how how do we work together about balancing that?
00:08:45
Speaker
What are your family values and priorities? What are you putting first? What is most important? And when you have those values, that vision, it's going to help with this kind of work-life balance. It's going to help kind of give you that footing, that grounding to come back to, to anchor yourself to because you know this is what we truly value as a family. Now, guiding children's development, but both parents often share concerns over the child's emotional, social, and academic growth and often wanting to support it. However, often,
00:09:11
Speaker
Typically, as far as I'm generalizing, I tend to see that mothers tend to share more of that kind of burden, like the emotional development, the academic development, the kind of um ah managing when kids get upset and when they're having arguments.
00:09:26
Speaker
And my encourage is, dads, you are needed in this environment, that you need to step up more. then And some of you might be thinking, well, I am doing the best I don't know what to do because maybe you didn't have a great example. Well, maybe you didn't, but maybe your wife didn't either. And yet, guess what? She's doing the work anyway. So how can you step up and get more involved? Do you need to read some books? Do you need to kind of understand more about emotional intelligence?
00:09:46
Speaker
If so, there's plenty of resources for you. I talk a lot about this on my show, on the YouTube channel, everywhere, so please check it out. We live in a day and age that we have such so much information at our fingertips, and I know it could feel overwhelming to know where to start, but I want to encourage you that learning this is going to be so life-giving to not only you, but your kids and your wife and your family.
00:10:05
Speaker
And so we want to be part of that child development, understanding, you know, basic brain development of as the age through kind of childhood, teenage and young adulthood, what are the different stages and how do we help teach them the skills necessary around emotional intelligence, around kind of financial intelligence, around physical like health and, you know, social health, all these things that we want to teach our kids.
00:10:27
Speaker
that we also need to take that on as well and do the work ourselves. Another thing is that kind of relational support that both mothers and fathers contribute to the emotional environment of the family. Mothers are often seen as the primary caregivers though. Fathers also carry a significant part of the emotional load especially as social society is increasing like the values of fathers as nurturers, right? As fathers being involved and so there is kind of this this call for dads to be more involved and I think that's a good thing. I think we do need dads more involved in this. In fact, that's one of the common themes I didn't hear in my office working clinically. It's kind of this distance with, you know, men and women looking at their relationship with their fathers. The, hey, dad was distant. He wasn't there. He taught me these things, but there was this kind of this emotional void and I never felt enough for him. or I didn't feel like he really loved me. or I felt like, you know, I just didn't quite get it right. And there was these high expectations. And yeah, he taught me these physical things again that I'm very grateful for, but there was this kind of coldness. And so there's often this longing for this kind of more nurturing side of connection with dads.
00:11:21
Speaker
that i hear time and time and time again in my office and so i think knowing that i hear this so frequently in my office i think there is an invitation from as a step up there's an invitation in the power of of men showing emotionality and showing kind of good emotional intelligence and emotional regulation and emotional language and vocabulary which creates a stronger connection and bond. Then there's this idea about, like fathers and mothers, this self-identity and personal growth that they both feel this challenge of balancing their roles as parents along with their own personal growth, their own identity as they kind of evolve from, you know, having no kids to having kids and aging kids and growing kids that there is kind of this evolution that takes place in the relationship.
00:12:00
Speaker
and individually Now, some differences um that I see and here's some some big ones is kind of the household management that traditionally, you know, if you're more kind of in more narrow view that we'll see that, you know, mothers take on and share more of the household management, which is that daily tasks, organizing meals, cleaning, coordinating schedules.
00:12:17
Speaker
um where dads tend to participate in in household duties um but the the tracking that was typically the mothers and I think that's that's part of the invisible load is that mothers are doing the tracking and that's where dads can step up a bit that we can be part of that tracking so they don't have to track at all that we're part of the plan we're part of the calendar we're part of sharing that load because that load becomes so taxing that load becomes draining and so how do we help offset that kind of offload that onto our shoulders as well. Now there's an anticipation about emotional needs. This is another one that tends to be different is that societally around being mom or dad that we tend to see that mothers are often socialized to be the emotional managers of their kids or the household that ensuring everyone is feeling supported and connected where fathers may focus on more of the emotional support and more kind of action-oriented ways, providing support through guidance or shared activities rather than nurturing open conversations. Now, so these are both important. we We need both of these. It's not like, well, dad's are right or wrong or mother's right or wrong. It's more we need both, but we need both to find the balance that works for your relationship. And often is dad stepping in more to kind of that emotional intelligence world?
00:13:24
Speaker
And it starts though with having your own emotional intelligence. And I think often it's because of these kind of rigid norms that we get kind of more kind of isolated and stuck in kind of these specific roles that well, moms do this and dads does this rather than okay, how do we look at our strengths and how do we use that as the best support for our children and our family and how do we also learn and grow? And I think that's the key is how do we learn and grow and adapt?
00:13:45
Speaker
The other one is around ah educational developmental concerns that often moms take on the role of kind of actively supporting schoolwork and communicating with teachers and following up with like little milestones where dads may also worry about these things, but they're often more involved in the structure activities like sports, stuff like that. Now, this is where, again, dads can be more involved with that. Invisible Loaf with mothers is being part of those more school activities, going to the back to school night, understand what is on the school calendar. Now, again, you might have a division, but where maybe your wife is taking on more of this, but it's it's more about are you aware, right? Are you aware of what's going on? Are you so just disconnected and say, well,
Rethinking Parental Roles for Less Burnout
00:14:19
Speaker
that's just her job. And again, we want to move away from my kind of these polarized stances because that's what's awfully into more burnout in both fathers and mothers.
00:14:27
Speaker
Then we got the this differences around safety and kind of health that mothers often carry responsibility for child's, you know, kind of health routines. um They are often more attuned to like the doctor's appointments, dietary choices, like all that kind of stuff. Where dads are also equally concerned, but their contribution may be more big picture. And so again,
00:14:46
Speaker
just like everything else we want to kind of be more engaged with those day to day tasks that dads are invited to be more involved with sharing that load um and kind of helping and aid in kind of that kind of the task oriented stuff. So men do fathers have this kind of load they carry and my encouragement again is more about not again who has more who has less.
00:15:06
Speaker
I do agree that fathers and men need to step up a definitely bit more and be part of that kind of task tracking of all the things your children are going through of the school of emotional intelligence, their kids of kind of family planning and scheduling and.
00:15:24
Speaker
all the kind of tracking that moms do because that's one of the biggest needs I hear from mothers is kind of I'm carrying and tracking all the stuff in my head. I have a thousand things I'm tracking for for the family, for this week, for my kids, for the school, for the upcoming vacations, for the doctor's appointments, for, you know, what do we have in the milk? dont we you All these tasks, all these lists.
00:15:45
Speaker
And often, when mothers are stuck there, what I tend to hear is this division and kind of separation between the father and the mother where it's more of these kind of more rigid rules that, well, I'm doing this, I'm doing the work and I'm coming home bringing the, you know, of most finances and, you know, I'm part of that's my role as a dad as I'm providing financially. And, and I, and while the dad's stressed out about it, he's also saying, well, this is my role and this is your role and becomes about what I do versus you do or kind of an us versus them mentality.
00:16:09
Speaker
And that's not working. What i'm we're seeing in the research is that there's a higher burnout rate for mothers and fathers and that we need, we do need, dad, dad, we need to step up. We need to do better at part of the tracking, and planning, and there's apps you can get, there's counters you can get about tracking, which is going to help support your wife.
00:16:26
Speaker
give her the much needed break,
Unity in Parenting: Can Empathy Bridge Gaps?
00:16:28
Speaker
much needed support from you. And not only that, but your kids will notice it. And you're going to be teaching your kids what it means to be, you know, kind of a healthy, connected father. You're going to be more engaged with them. There's going to be this connection. There's going to be this kind of ah this team approach that they're going to witness just by watching how you interact with your spouse. And on top of that, you sharing what is bothering you, kind of what is your load, knowing that As you support her, this is not a zero-sum game. It's not like you just support her and then you're left by yourself. No, the goal is that you're both sharing each other's invisible load, that as you do that, that load no longer has become invisible for your wife or for you, that it's about this shared responsibility, this I want to understand what is kind of the weight you're carrying in your life so I can support it, so I can take a part of it, so I can help relieve it, right? So I can be part of this care, this that you're not carrying this alone.
00:17:22
Speaker
And when we begin to do that, when we approach the compassionate curiosity, when we begin to understand and then offer very practical help and aid, burnout rate goes down in both mothers and fathers. um We need more. We need to have less distance, less isolation.
00:17:38
Speaker
less kind of othering and more connection, more support, more compassion, more curiosity, more seeking to understand one another. Because so much what I see right now on social media, there's a lot of like, well here's what I have, here's what I have. And so it just kind of gets becomes more polarized. It becomes more about us versus them, dads versus moms, moms versus dads. And that's not actually making any positive change. It's just creating more of a gap. It's it's creating more entrenchment.
00:18:05
Speaker
rather than how do we turn toward each other, how do we turn inward, how do we begin to take the step and ask what's going on for them and show them compassion, show true empathy, show them real genuine curiosity that you really want to understand what they're carrying and how you can be involved, how you are an important role in their life, in that kind of invisible low that they don't have to carry it alone and as we do that as we're both doing that as we both kind of step into that space again that load becomes lighter it becomes shared it becomes something that we know we can rely on each other that there is this kind of this this emotional psychological spiritual kind of foundation like blueprint that i know that i carry this but i know that my partner is actively actively engaging me actively wanting to understand me actively out there to to listen to to be part of this
00:19:03
Speaker
These are some of my thoughts, some of my solutions. Let me know what you think and have a good day.