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Ep 99: Dark Angel (plus MAILBAG!)
63 Plays3 months ago
Dolph Lundgren stars in this forgotten gem from the early 90s, directed by Craig R Baxley, the director of one of our favorite films so far, Stone Cold! This is basically a riff on Stone Cold with 100% less Nazi bikers and 100% more drug-dealing aliens, stealing heroin and hunting down people to extract their endorphins for a rare drug coveted by his people. Lundgren is a gruff detective who plays by his own rules who is partnered with a straight-laced Fed in pursuit of murdering gangsters and our mysterious, otherwordly visitor!
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Transcript
Awkward Intro and Catholic School Anecdotes
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode. I don't know why I'm awkward right now. I don't know why you're awkward all the time. I wish you weren't so awkward, bud. Welcome back, everybody, to our 99th episode. 99? 99!
00:00:15
Speaker
This week we're discussing
'Dark Angel' Movie Discussion
00:00:17
Speaker
Dark Angel. No, that's not what I watched. No. I come in peace. in peace. I come in peace. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack. hey I come in. Wait, was it? I come in peace. I don't know how he did it. And this is bad movies. Worst people. Yeah, that's all over the place.
Podcasting and Team Spirit Banter
00:01:03
Speaker
Hey, I know professional podcasters that don't give a shit about their intro, so we are headed towards being professional. I love our cold open, too. You just keep that in. What, the hymn talk about being awkward? Yeah, and the Manhattan talk. I'm going to talk about Manhattans this whole time. Yeah. The city of Manhattan, Dinohattan, the cocktail Manhattan. That's about all I know. A guy named Man. A man in a hat. A man in a hat in somewhere. You think there's a haberdashery somewhere in New York called Manhattan?
00:01:33
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I thought I had a really good idea for a store called Headicate. You know, like because I always get annoyed when people wear like an example of fedora should never be worn with a hoodie. No improper etiquette. How are you going to put that hood up?
00:01:48
Speaker
Yeah. You know, it's its it looks as stupid as wearing a hoodie and a cowboy hat. You're mixing all your hipster stuff up.
Alien Encounter and Hat Etiquette
00:01:53
Speaker
Yeah. but Don't do that. You're coming in here. You're coming to my store with the wrong attitude. and It's not going to go well. What would be the proper thing to wear for a bowler hat?
00:02:04
Speaker
ah you A white jumpsuit with a glass of milk. And some eyeshadow. Just on one though, right? There's two eyelashes on one eye. Well, that's just one of them. They have different makeup. I was just watching it the other day. No, you were. Don't lie.
00:02:21
Speaker
Oh, yeah, you're going through all the ah all the Kubrick's. kubri I'm up to that one, which means I got like three left. Now there's a few. Yeah, I was shocked to find out he didn't direct more than like 16 things, but they're all fucking yeah deep and huge. Well, if you look, it's like 1961, 1964, 1968, 1972, 1979, 1987, 1999. Yeah.
00:02:44
Speaker
Is he still with us? No, to bob he died before they finished Eyes Wide Shut or at least before he finished editing it.
Kubrick, Car Explosions, and 'I Come in Peace'
00:02:52
Speaker
Man. But we're here to talk about a movie that.
00:02:56
Speaker
Well, it is awesome, but it also kind of sucks, i'm not Stanley Kubrick. I'm not giving my answer to the end. It rocked. Sure. I can give you my answer right up front because it stars Dolph Lundgren. Yeah. And fucking directed by the same guy that directed Stone Cold. Yeah. Craig R. Baxley. Well, didn't we just watch Stone Cold? Yeah, not too long ago. He directed that and he directed Action Jackson, which is another great movie. OK. Carl Weathers. Oh, yeah. no And it was written by the guy whose name I'm sure I pronounced wrong last time, too. But David Kep. ah He wrote The Shadow.
00:03:26
Speaker
Oh, God, sorry. But he also wrote Jurassic Park, Carlito's Way, Mission Impossible, Snake Eyes, Star of Echoes, Spider-Man. So he made up for was some of those. Crystal Skull, a Dial of Destiny. You could have stopped. You easily could have just stopped and let me have a moment with this guy. Now I hate him. But before we get too far into it, I have something special to celebrate that we have 99 episodes. What you got for me, Daddy? We finally got...
00:03:54
Speaker
Not including the one that we got from Heather. When we did Deadly Run, we finally got emails. Whoop, whoop. Golf clap. Real emails. One is just an email. Real emails, worse people. One is just a nice email and the other one is a request. OK. So the first one comes from PJ from Tucson. This is that cat we saw playing the acoustic very lovingly. Yes, we did. Over at the Music Box Lounge. That's right. That's right. That's the sponsor of the show. I don't know about Proud, but I don't think he's proud about much, but. So he says, Hey, I want to drop you guys a line and tell you I really enjoy bad movies, worse people. There's a mix of Muji Mujis.
00:04:39
Speaker
I don't know if that's him or you fucking up. That's me. That's me. I'm only halfway into my first drink. We could've spell checked Mujis. There's a mix of movies, thick and nostalgia, and some that I've never heard of before, but either way, the show's enjoyable. When Whitney told me about the podcast, I cautiously checked it out, fully prepared to be for it to be unlistenable. Me
Listener Engagement and Movie Recommendations
00:05:00
Speaker
too. I'm happy to share it has become one of my top podcasts. Keep up the good content. Thanks, PJ. Aw, thank you, PJ.
00:05:08
Speaker
so much. I mean he's he gets it because it is exactly that mix that we're going for. yeah Ones that you know that are just so nostalgic and then something like this that I've never even heard of yeah before I knew you. wow Now these kinds of things are popping up on my radar a little bit. Since he lives in Tucson can we formally ask him to join us on an episode? If he would like. Definitely. yeah You can also join us on episodes if you don't live in Tucson but you got to have equipment and know how to yeah do the internet talk talk So do you? I mean, you're the worst I.T. guy ever. ah You know, if you push this button, we're going to make better Internet talk, talk. And have you tried turning it on and on again? So, Mr. Phil, I would like to formally ask you to come beyond the show. Let us know what you want to do. Pick a movie. I have another email. This one's a request. But it's also with reasons. OK, not just like here's a movie. OK, that's we like reasons.
00:06:05
Speaker
Hi, I'd like to throw my hat into the ring and request a flick for your podcast. The film title is Perdita Durango, or Dance with the Devil in Some Markets, and it was released in 1995. It stars Javier Bardem, Rosie Perez, James Gandolfini, and Screamin' Jay Hawkins, to name a few. Shut up. Yeah. A good portion of it was filmed in Tucson, including the Davis-Monthan Airplane Boneyard.
00:06:31
Speaker
It's absolutely bonkers. Imagine if David Lynch and Tarantino had a dirty, sexy Tucson baby. Well, you just won my husband. I imagine that's so awesome. It's violent, campy, depraved, bizarre, funny, and utterly deranged.
00:06:46
Speaker
The novel the movie is based on is written by the same author who penned Wild at Heart, the story of Sailor and Lula. So Wild at Heart was a movie that David Lynch also loved and fucking Willem Dafoe playing Bobby Peru. Oh, love that movie. I think the world needs to hear more about this cinematic gem. While a more censored cut is streaming on Amazon, I would love to lend you my Blu-ray. The less you know about this movie going into it, the better. Thanks for your consideration. Let's get weird. Thanks, Ashley. And so I know this is a very dear friend of mine that I've known since high school. And ah friends that listen will know her is one thing. Handshaw!
00:07:26
Speaker
i I have had the pleasure of meeting this wonderful woman. And she is a fucking delight. So we'll make that happen. Well, let's let's get that going. Yeah. And I did. I mean, it says to go into it doing as little as possible, but I have to look it up to see certain things. You know, first of all, it's I don't think it's in English, which is fine. I'll just make it a little more difficult for us. I'm an animator on the note taking side. So very difficult for us for me. the Thank you, PJ and Ashley, for writing in. Anybody who wants to write us in at Bad Movies Worst People at gmail dot.com will read your emails on the air.
Movie Stunts and Explosive Action
00:08:20
Speaker
um Unless you're calling us pieces of shit. Unless you do it funnily. Oh, no. Yeah, I'll read that one. Even if it's a negative one. If you write negative stuff and you make it funny, I'll read it. Fuck, yeah. Also, I don't know if she mentioned on that email that I but i want her to be on the episode. Oh, definitely. And she's Tucson or has internet talk talk capabilities. So we'll figure it out either way. It's never going to not be internet talk talk. Nope. That's that's its life now. Just like a swim gym. So back to this movie.
00:08:53
Speaker
I come in peace or dark angels are common from 1990 rated R and the sweet sweet 91 minutes. Yeah, it's a real tight 91. I did write down a couple other things. So I said he did stone cold, but I didn't say his name and he deserves Craig Baxley. I think I said, OK, he deserves to have his name spoken.
00:09:13
Speaker
Apparently it was based on a script or a treatment written by a guy named guy named Jonathan Titor, but he didn't write really anything that I recognized. And then it was rewritten years later, like five, six years later by David Kepp. So OK. But I did also want to mention the director of photography because it looks cool, but also he's been on the show twice before.
00:09:34
Speaker
Oh, yeah. He was the DP for passenger 57. OK. And the retirement plan, which we did on new movies. Worst people on our YouTube feed. You had said this is kind of victory lap for a lot of people yeah on our podcast. And this guy, I mean, we'll see more of his movies. He did a bunch of early k Cronenberg movies, scanners, video drove on the fly. the um um the brood, but he also did movies like class of 1999, which if you have if you haven't heard of it, it sucks and ever awesome. um That's I love the dare say it sucks and it's awesome. Robocop to the Mighty Ducks to vampire in Brooklyn. Oh.
00:10:13
Speaker
Is that the one with Eddie Murphy? It sure is. And he's doing a very like he's doing his his New York Jewish character from fucking goddamn. What's it called? Welcome to America. Oh, or coming to America, rather. He's like, oh, I'm going to suck your blood and get a little matzo ball soup afterwards. It's it's but we want me in the beliefs watched it. It's it's horrendous. It's not even like a salvageable one. No. Yeah. So it's going to be on the show. So we'll see at some point. Yeah.
00:10:42
Speaker
ah He also shot Scream, Steel, and... That Shaquille O'Neal vehicle? Yeah, and Grandma's Boy, amongst other things. Love Grandma's Boy. He did good there. That's right, Planky. Play my head. This movie is another failure. Surprised. Not a surprise, really. But it was a huge success on VHS.
00:11:04
Speaker
Yeah, like it was on the top VHS charts, especially in the UK for like, do you know why? Yes. These stunts are fucking bonkers. Good. Yeah. Like the bada booms are big bada booms. Yeah. And everybody's right there. I started out counting and I gave up. Yeah. I need to get one of those little clicky things. Well, because even.
00:11:21
Speaker
Even the alien guns make bada booms. Do you yeah count each one of those? Yeah, because you should. You should. So we're in the double digits. Oh, absolutely. And they are not like you you just said the alien guns make bada booms. Not like a little blow up of a car. No, that car is gone. Yeah, it blew up one then another, then another, then another. It was a fun change. It's it's one of the reasons I very much enjoyed this movie. We just as a group went and saw Borderlands and talk about like a bad movie that is not bad enough to be good or has no charm or anything salvageable. i know I know your wife and the roommate liked it more than we did, but it's a bad movie that's not fun. This, if you if you want to consider it a bad movie at all, and they will by numbers, is fucking fun.
00:12:06
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, it's just it's bad in a sense that it's a 90s 1990s. So 80s low budget. There's neon and cocaine in this movie. I mean, this movie is seven million dollars to make this movie. Oh, wow. It would cost that much just in cars. If you made this movie, dude, that budget is six point five million on blowies alone. this That was just for Dolph Lundgren's blowies. Yeah. OK.
00:12:26
Speaker
I think that the fact that the director was a stuntman had everything to do. Oh, well, it's the same thing they said on ah Stone Cold. When we watched some interviews about that, it was like he came in to recover from another director doing it. And
Character Introductions in 'I Come in Peace'
00:12:42
Speaker
it was like he salvaged the movie because they were over budget. He's like, here's all the cool shit you want, but I can do it cheap and I can do it safe. yeah So I don't know about that safe part on this, dude.
00:12:52
Speaker
Well, his ah his dad, his brother, or maybe a couple other people in his family are stuntmen in this movie, just like they were in Stone Cold. They're still kicking, or at least they were. Sure. you know just because you Just because you didn't die doesn't mean it was safe. Yeah, it does. Ask me as a child. Like, even this first explosion, just to jump ahead a bit, the guy is right next to his BMW when it explodes, and it throws him forward. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so it kicks off with this guy and his Beamer. I think it's a Beamer, right? I think so.
00:13:21
Speaker
He's having trouble with the CD players, being fussy. You know what? That's what you get for trying to fucking listen to Christmas music. Yeah. ah by On purpose. You put in a Christmas CD. He did. Like, you're talking to a guy that loves Christmas. Christmas music is ear cancer. Yeah.
00:13:34
Speaker
Yep. I hated working in retail for that exact reason. Movie theaters. Same fucking thing. From October 30th to January 2nd. Well, see those flare bells? It's bullshit. And it's like they only think there's seven Christmas songs. So that's what you get to listen to. You're like, I'm here for eight hours. Each of these songs is three and a half minutes. At least put on a fucking Elvis Christmas for me. There's a ton of Christmas songs that aren't those like seven standards, which I still don't want to listen to. But Yeah, so his CD players fucking up. He almost crashed into a bus, crashes into a Christmas tree farm instead. And then his car is immediately crushed by a meteor or something, which we find out is an alien. This man. Yeah, that this is how they fucking travel. Like they have a spaceship up above like in orbit. They just launched themselves down like a fucking human see they're basically indestructible. So they just jump out of the spaceship. They're like,
00:14:26
Speaker
Fucking Geronimo! They're basically indestructible until a fucking rusty pipe comes into play. That's just what I call them my penis. at but Yeah, huge explosion. The first time I watched this movie, I was like, okay, I'm in. You sold me. Oh, yeah. I wasn't concerned that I wasn't going to like it because you already had told me it's Dolph. It's fucking the guy that did ah Stone Cold. I was pretty sure it was going to be at least okay. And then this happened. It's like, oh, yeah.
00:14:55
Speaker
And so our two aliens in this movie have names they're never said in the movie, but I'm going to use their names because it's easier than saying good alien Christopher Lambert. Yes. And he looks like the god of thunder and lightning. But it's easier than saying bad alien, good alien. I'm going to go with Christopher Lambert for him. Well, his name is his. Yeah, he does. ah I think he says I come in peace. And then sometimes he screams. No, you've taken my drugs. I want them back. hey His name is Tallick, according to the Alec T.A.L. EC. And the other one is Isaac. That's better. Isaac looks like it sounds like you're fucking up saying Isaac Isaac. Come here, Isaac. I didn't shout out to Kayla. Oh, no, you're not fucking up. You're just doing a ah ah Tommy Wiseau impersonation. Isaac Isaac. You're my favorite customer. OK. Bye, Isaac. Is that the guy from Bill Haters show?
00:15:51
Speaker
No, no. From the room. The room. Kind of the like one of the big movies that started this bad movie trend. Like bad movies that people are like, I'm going to go watch this because it has value. No, I don't. OK, did you see it? The show with Bill Hader. Oh, you're talking about the ball. Oh, yeah. Hairless Mary. Oh, this side is Barry over here. Yeah, kind of like that, too. It's kind of how you know what he is. He is kind of doing a little wise. Oh.
00:16:19
Speaker
But this guy did not hit her. This guy's played by a dude named Mathias Hughes. And I remember watching in an interview that he was like some kind of athlete or something that they'd have to be for some of these fucking moves he's doing. But he was in some other movies, a little girl. ah We're going to see him a few times. OK.
00:16:38
Speaker
I looked through his movies and the other stuff I recognized that he was in are all I would like to talk about. He's in Big Top Peewee. Oh, yeah. As Oscar, the lion tamer. OK, it's been ages since I've seen Big Top. So, yeah, like I know there's a circus and stuff, but I cannot picture anybody besides the tiny little person. Guess who owns it? Oh, you. Oh, it's not you. No, I don't have Big Top Peewee. Yeah. You didn't you just get it? No, I got the series at the Peewee's Playhouse. Phil Hartman, Lawrence Fishburne. I saw Big Top on it.
00:17:07
Speaker
No, it's it's it's the series. Peewee's Playhouse. And I also own Peewee's Big Adventure, of course. I mean, who doesn't? But ah he was also in a couple of Billy Banks movies called Talons of the Eagle and T.C. 2000. And he's in another one called Cyber Vengeance. That's just awful. So I'm going to make you guys watch it. And he's in a movie I just got that I almost made us watch the other night. But then we watched something else instead. I can't remember what we ended up watching with the last kumite.
00:17:35
Speaker
like Oh, we've talked about the last one on this, but yeah you have. Yeah, it's a newer movie. That's like a throwback to that like blood sport kickboxer era of movies. And it's got a bunch of those people in it. Good. Anyway, that happens. And then we go to some guy.
00:17:52
Speaker
Tom cruising into a facility, I'm thinking Mission Impossible, you know, some kind of facility, but it turns out to be a police station that is also definitely a bank. They call it the warehouse. Later in the movie, they say something like, oh yeah, that thing at the warehouse, they blew up. So I think it is, it's a bank they're filming at for sure, but I think it's where they dump all the evidence and stuff. Oh, like the evidence room, it's a whole evidence warehouse. Because they later said it's the feds' drugs.
00:18:21
Speaker
Even though it was the police watching it and stuff. Oh, OK. I think it's just like a fucking ah ah ah what's the harry but room of requirement? Harry Potter. I'm sorry. You're asking me something about Harry Potter. No more requirement. The room of requirement. I don't know. You're the Harry Potter person. Oh, OK. You're the Potter head room. ah I'm not a Potter head. I just watched them.
00:18:41
Speaker
Oh, I'm the Potter head. So I just watched them a couple of weeks ago. I've smoked so much Potter. I just don't even know. No, it's a room of a requirement where a room just appears. It has whatever you need. Yeah. ah But so this guy breaks in. There's a cop in there that looks kind of like Ben Savage, but he gets murdered immediately with a knife to the chest, which is funny. Sorry, Ben. Boy Meets Knife. Boy Meets Knife. That was like six. Yeah, but this guy looks like Ben Savage. Oh, he's just got that little curly. ti This guy looks like Ben Savage in Girl Meets World.
00:19:11
Speaker
Which is not an attractive look for anybody. Who fucking needed that show, by the way? I love that show. She's allowed to. She's a little baby kid. That's who needed that show. no The children of the people that watched Boy Meets World. Also, we're just coming off shit birth month, so. So they take these drugs and on the way out, they don't. Sorry, they remove these drugs. They don't take them. I click do all the hair when you can. All right. We're never going to escape from here.
00:19:40
Speaker
This dude dresses up like a cop to take these drugs out of here. And he's walking down the hallway and my comment was literally like, I'm definitely a cop. I don't look like a guy who stole a cop's uniform and put it on. You've never seen a less copy looking cop. This dude is straight up like Jersey Mafia, but dressed up like a cop. Maybe a bad example. But imagine Danny Trejo wearing a cop outfit. You're like, that's not real.
00:20:00
Speaker
you are you You, sir, are not supposed to be in that. No, you are my chatty. That is not yours. He must have done his research to get a cop outfit that fit him so well. because like What if it was me trying to get this guy's five-sixth cop outfit on for the fucking high waters and shit like Frankenstein? ah I don't think that's yours, and you're a ginger. We don't let gingers be cops. Super troopers? He wasn't a good one. ah he wasn't He was a highway patrol.
00:20:27
Speaker
ah But one of these guys, I think it's the one he meets in the hallway, is played by a guy named Kevin Page. Welcome back. Who has played one of the mobsters in Stone Cold. Okay. um He's also in the first RoboCop. He's the guy Kenny, who gets killed by Ed 209 at the beginning. Kenny! He gets shot out the window, right? Uh-huh. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
00:20:47
Speaker
I don't know. You're the one supposed to watch it recently. I did. Good. Because it was like three episodes in a row. like I got to watch Robocop. Oh, that's right. Because you had said you're like, it's in the fucking DVD player. So as soon as you leave, I have no excuses. Apparently he was on Seinfeld also, but I already asked Jack about that. and he'd Yeah, um I just I'd have to I'm almost at season four for a rewatch. OK, but there's another guy in Seinfeld that's in here and I clocked him right away because this mouth is absurdly huge.
00:21:13
Speaker
It is like when he smiles, it's like good God. You can put both my bad guy who disappears. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't disappear. He goes to Rio. He disappears from this movie. It's where you get a picture of him with tits on him, not on him. That's well, you know, Rio. I mean, Rio, you start having sex with your friend's underage daughter. It gets real weird. Blame it on Rio with Mako Kai. Yeah. There's a bunch of Mako Kai in Rio. That's a fucking terrible movie. I've never seen it. I just know I've heard so many fucking horror stories about it. I looked it up. It's a two guys that go to Rio with their daughters. And like this happens. This happens. They end up banging each other's daughters. And I think they're like 16, 15. Oh, yeah. They're definitely like young children. Oh, yeah. But it's the 80s. So they just present it as if it's OK. Speaking of Seinfeld, they reference that movie. They're all blaming on Rio. Ooh. Because Seinfeld was dating a 15 year old, but he's filming that movie when he's filming the show.
00:22:08
Speaker
Oh, yeah, you can
Dolph Lundgren's Roles and Exploding Buildings
00:22:10
Speaker
look up. He's he's what do you call that groomed? He's a groomer. Is that who he married? No, she was in college. She aged out. She aged out. She got you he had to lean on a caprio that sometimes, man, we get that new model.
00:22:24
Speaker
I'm so disgusted right now. Drake hands him off to Leonardo DiCaprio. Leonardo DiCaprio hands him off to Hugh Hefner. And Hugh Hefner ruined them. Not sexually. They leave the police station and The guy's like, you better fucking hurry up. And they're like, why? No one saw us. He's like, jig talk, jig talk. And this whole fucking building explodes. like You know, no witnesses, which day they did. Somebody did see him. The guy that signed him out, like, noticed the name Hawkins on his tag. He's like, I fucking know Hawkins. Yeah. And he also said something to remember. He was like ah some kind of party tonight, boy. Yeah. You're having a big party of heroin. Yeah. What the fuck do you just say? He's like, I just made a joke. You know what? You sit behind that little cage and you sign those fucking piece of paper and shut up.
00:23:08
Speaker
So then we meet Detective Jack Kane, played by Dolph Lundgren. We don't like having characters named Jack on this. So Dolph, it is going to be forever. So Jack off. So Jack off. Dolph on. Dolph on. Man, you should have seen when I played hockey. My coach used to love that. Jack off. Mark on. That's a Jack off. Coach, I'm 10.
00:23:26
Speaker
You know what jacking off is. I did. I don't need to him to tell me about it. Dolph Lundgren, of course, from a bunch of great movies, a bunch of bad movies, but mostly, well, not mostly great. Basically, from the mid-90s on, it was bad. He's got some very beloved ones. I mean, he's fucking Ivan Drago. Yeah. I mean, right there. Oh, he's gorgeous in this. Masters of the Universe. Oh, such a fucking underrated film. The Punisher. Yep. My favorite Punisher movie.
00:23:52
Speaker
show down in little Tokyo. Oh, my God. You see, T Carrera's tits. And we'll be talking about that movie at some point. Oh, yeah. Brandon Lee tried the part where he with one hand picks up a car and puts it on its side so he can use it as cover is my favorite part where Dolph Lundgren tells Brandon Lee that he has the best penis he's ever seen on a man. Uh-huh. I doubt that Brandon Lee had the best penis he's ever seen.
00:24:13
Speaker
on a man. He specifically says on a man. I've seen better. It was a horse. Of course, Universal Soldier, Johnny Mnemonic. Don't forget all those wonderful expendable movies. Yes. Yeah. On the back of the Blu-ray case, it's like Dolph Lundgren and then in parentheses, it's like something. on Joshua Tree and expendables are how you're going to know him. I'm like, what?
00:24:34
Speaker
No, no, you just mentioned like five or six that are so much better. Like I'm buying movies from Shout Factory. Don't throw Joshua Tree and fucking expendables on there. I don't even know what Joshua Tree is. Me neither. It's we have it out front by the. I was waiting for your wife. Like I actually have it over here. I was waiting for her to say she had that album and I was like, well, don't play it around me. She still hasn't found what she's looking for. But he's taking out this club called Jocko's that just drips with cocaine. It is. It is cocaine personified as a club. I don't know how you can say that. It's not personified as a person, but it's got that white faux marble. It's got blue neon. It is crystal windows. Oh, yeah. Those ones that you can't quite see through. But they're like five by five inches. I just always like showers being made out of that. It's like, do you want to see a kind of naked person, but not everything. It's like watching the fuzzy channels. That's exactly it. It's like I got my, I got used to fuzzy porn. So babe, do me a favor, shower behind this. Is that a nipple? That might be a nipple. Or is it my reflection of my nipple? Either way, I'm coming in peace. Now push him against it. I'm coming in peace. I'm coming in peace.
00:25:43
Speaker
Yeah, you made it weird. You made it weird by talking about pressing your nipple. I'm talking about fucking jizzing on a crystal, fucking crystal image of fuzzy porn. Yeah. Why do you make it so weird, dude? Get on my page and speak normally. Make better fucking podcast talkie talk. So they're doing it. By the way, I was referring to being able to use like, you know, not zoom, but those kind of things. Hey, hey, it's going to happen a whole bunch. Get over it. Talkie talkie. Make back with the talkie talk.
00:26:12
Speaker
So they're doing a sting of some sort, and there's a cop in there who looks like a cop, but he's pretending to be a drug dealer. This dude is a cop. He's got a fucking cop mustache, cop haircut. The only thing that's not cop, he's like, man, suck my dick. He's got a little a little inflection on it where it's like, that's the only thing not cop about you. This could be Danny Glover. Yes.
00:26:30
Speaker
Yes, it's like as much as the other dude who is pretending to be a cop was definitely not a cop. This guy is definitely a cop because he's trying to be just buying drugs. The criminals in this are smarter because they pick him out right away. Well, they were on him for weeks. They're going through this meeting. The guy you were talking about that he's doing a meeting with, the character's name is Sherman that's a guy or no, the character's name is Victor. He's played by a guy named Sherman Howard.
00:26:53
Speaker
which I don't know from anything else in this planet except for one episode of Seinfeld when he gets avid fans of Seinfeld will know him as the guy who paints triangles and gets a junior mint dropped inside of him when he's in surgery. He does a lot of voice acting for cartoon or ah video games. Oh, OK. He's done movies and and TV, but he did for video games. He did voices for Jack and Daxter and a bunch of sequels.
00:27:16
Speaker
Red Dead Redemption, Jade Empire, The Old Republic. Oh, don't. He didn't say who in Old Republic. It listed so many characters. Never mind then. So but for TV and movies, he was Bub and Day of the Dead. Oh, yeah, that guy. Oh, oh, Bub. If you guys are curious about who Bub is. That's unbelievable.
00:27:33
Speaker
You know, the the guy that comes into Tyler, the guy that comes into the bar. A guy comes in. I know the guy with the guy with the girlfriend. And I let them borrow a movie. They were talking about movies. Oh, I think they met in the movie. No, no. In our bar. Yes. Travis and Sierra.
00:27:52
Speaker
Sorry, Travis, if you're listening, he doesn't like us that much. I don't listen. I don't know people's names. So yeah, I got you. But he has them tattooed on because you're fucking married to Whitney. She's got you. But he has bub tattooed on him. So if you're curious, just ask him. But he's also in the first two episodes of Melrose Place. So that's important. I don't know. And he is in the movie Ricochet. He was on a few episodes of Max Headroom. So he's done stuff. Yeah.
00:28:20
Speaker
Ricochet is awesome. That'll also be on this.
Alien Weaponry and Bar Talk
00:28:23
Speaker
Basically, we're seeing all these people again at some point. Yeah. This is like these guys are all up for Giuseppe's. But they're having a little conversation and it's kind of funny because he's like, well, you got to you got to, you know, be careful what you're doing, whatever. He's like, you might not have to join the army or turn to a life of crime. Yeah. Or become a cop. hu Right then and there, I'm like, um, hey, whoever's listening, I got to get out of here. Like they are definitely fucking on to me. And Dolph Lundgren is getting annoyed that they're not like finishing the deal. But meanwhile, right next to him, there's a liquor store getting robbed. huh And he sees the robbery starting and he's like, ah that's not good. But, you know, I'm i'm doing this. Flashbacks of a stone cold. Oh, yeah. Because then they start shooting. So he has to go in. And it's the beginning of a Craig Baxley movie in a fucking
00:29:09
Speaker
store of some sort. I wouldn't even mind it a little cleanup on aisle five. I wouldn't mind it one bit, sir. But yeah, so they those guys are going crazy. Dolph Lundgren goes on there and stops it by doing a roundhouse kick into this dude's face. Oh, which according to the interview that we were watching ended up being a real roundhouse kick and this dude was knocked the fuck out. Yeah. And you can see it. You can see it and normally. You see like ah the foot pass in front of the face, you especially with a low budget. It's from a different angle. So you don't see it not connect. But you know, this his ankle is behind his ear. Like he is fucking killing this guy.
00:29:44
Speaker
So the other the bad guys who they're a gang called the white boys, by the way. Oh, yeah. So the white boys sell heroin, not just because they're white. Well, they're also all white. They also all are white. And they're also run by like a law lawyer. Yeah. I don't know. Well, he even said it's a yuppie, yuppie criminals. Yeah. But the he when Dolph Norman goes up to their office, it's like Cullen and Cullen something like it's like ah it's literally like a lawyer. ah But So the the white boys kill the cop that's in there. Dolph Lundgren kills this other dude who's robbing this liquor store because he tries to shoot him. And as they're going to leave with the drugs, our alien friend shows up, Christopher Lambert. And you said at the beginning that he would have been better, but Christopher Lambert wouldn't have been doing all of his own stunts like that. That's where I'll eat my words on that.
00:30:31
Speaker
Apparently he had to do all of his own stunts because they couldn't find a stuntman who was big enough to be him Yeah, he's supposed to be six foot five. He's supposed to be seven foot. Yeah, but he's he's a big boy on his own, right? And I mean in the 80s you got big stuntmen But in the 80s all those big stuntmen were like I can star in a movie. I'm not a stuntman anymore I mean he had three lines that he said and most of them were I come in peace or no So I mean, you don't need him to be a phenomenal actor here, but he shows up. I come in peace and start shooting the CD. I don't think he knows what this means. No, I think he just heard it on TV and was like, this is what they want to hear. This is what aliens say when they get here. Yeah.
00:31:11
Speaker
ah But he shoots them with this like CD that he has that shoots out of this little Do you remember those little guns you could get when you were a kid that had like the foam discs? and yeah yeah that's what it makes me think of wasn't it Yeah, it might have been nerf I had definitely I know it's not an airsoft, but I think it has air in it I don't like in the title I don't remember what they're called, but I know you're exactly we're talking about yeah, and I mean anybody you know I i don't know anybody who's our age knows what we're talking about anybody else ask your parents, but I It was like a little they're not going to buy you any frisbee one that looked like. I was going to say an MP3 player, but it's like the little discs. You can see me hold up my hand and see.
00:31:52
Speaker
ah little this Yeah, this thing bounces around off walls, bounces through people's throats, you know, good times. Ate the ball corner pocket. Got him. Hey, guys, after this episode, I really kind of want to go out and get a beer. What are you thinking? I mean, OK, look, the thing is, I deal with beer so much in my life, I want something else. i'm I'm fine with beer, but I want like a stiff cocktail or a nice glass of whiskey. You know, the music box is just down the way and you can get an awesome cocktail when they even have like tombstone and other great beers on tap.
00:32:22
Speaker
The music box, where would I find that? Oh, you mean the music box at 6951 East 22nd Street in Tucson, Arizona. Right down there at 22nd and Cove. Yeah, they've got a great selection of whiskey, gin, tequila, mezcal, other spirits. Ooh, sometimes they have like putting shots and jello shots. You're putting me on. And depending on the night of the week, we can get karaoke, live music. It's great. Ooh, unhappy hour. on Oh, it's Wednesday. It's unhappy hour. Yeah. I'm in. You guys are shelling me. Let's go to the music box lounge right now. that's oh
00:32:56
Speaker
Sharks of the Corn? Vyra Shark? Cocaine Shark? Sharktopus? Yeah. Those are all real movies. Join me, Steve Coates, as each week I take a comedic look at the bizarre world of Sharksploitation Cinema on Bucket of Chum, the Shark Movie Podcast.
00:33:17
Speaker
So then Dolph Lundgren shows up, has a quick little like shootout with him and he bails. The alien does. No, I don't think yeah I don't think he sees him here. I think the alien's gone. Dolph Dolph. Doesn't he start shooting? No, he comes in with his gun out table. Yeah. Oh, he comes in with his gun out and he kind of like he's expecting because he heard his partner getting fucking killed. And he's like, God damn it, runs over there and everyone's fucking dead now.
00:33:42
Speaker
And so he because he he's whipping that gun around. He even pulls it, ah aims it at his dead partner. He's like, oh, man. Oh, man.
Forced Vacation and Detective Dynamics
00:33:50
Speaker
But so the the chief and all the other cops arrive and the chief says something along the lines of like, I'm so pissed at you, I could throw you through a window and I'm like, good fucking luck. No, you cannot, sir. OK, go ahead and try it.
00:34:02
Speaker
And we didn't mention, but Dolph Lundgren, he's a big, big dude. big dude But also, he's a fucking genius. yeah ah Yeah, degree in chemical engineering went to three different colleges. I think I read something or watched something once where they were saying, like He did all that stuff and then like he was doing acting like just to make money because he's a big dude. Yeah. And then he was like, oh, actually, I really like this and I can make more money at it. So I mean, here you are talking about big dudes doing stuntmen work like. Yeah. And then it turns out he can actually act a little. Yeah. Well, he's not the best actor. I very much enjoy him. But I mean, I don't want to see him playing fucking Hamlet. Well, yeah, it was the the chemical engineering was his fallback plan to be or not to be.
00:34:46
Speaker
Yeah, what a fallback plan. I'll just be a fucking physicist if I really don't make it with this. It's like that girl from ah Cloak and Dagger who had like a fallback plan and became a lawyer. He's like, I got a fallback plan. I just didn't need it because I'm rich. Because even though he did a bunch of like direct to video shit, still maybe if he if he didn't go and blow that money, he's good. Yeah. I mean, when we saw him doing his interviews, he's sitting at a nice house. Oh, yeah. So.
00:35:12
Speaker
But yeah, so the feds then show up also While he's got so many expendables monies. Yeah, but he had to have that he's in all of the expendables four or five or whatever they have He's in all of them. Yeah, this interview may have been before the expendables But I'm just still saying that's expendables money you've got now. Yeah. Because I mean, those aren't fucking those are those are huge. Those make so much money now. Sylvester Stallone is just like, everybody gets paid half of what I get paid. That's still like 10 million. Except for that UFC guy, he gets a quarter. It's going to be tough to do Dolph and not go into sli. Dolph Lundgren is Sylvester Stallone, but he opens his mouth. Yeah. And enunciates. And doesn't like being pooped on that we know of. He keeps his shit private.
00:35:54
Speaker
Who do you think taught him, taught Sly Stone, it's nice to get pooped on. It's great, man. You're just wearing this. I don't think he likes getting pooped on. He just likes laying under a glass table and watching poop. Dude, if I know anything about addiction and fetishes, it progresses.
00:36:08
Speaker
Pretty soon he's like, now I want to feel the heat of it. He started doing yoga so we could do a fucking table pose. Go ahead and let it rip. All right. Now you poop in my butt and I'll poop back in your butt. You're on re-feed, motherfucker. Back and forth forever. So what you do is you take a shit and then you put it in the freezer. Oh. and So the feds arrive. Well, Dolph Lundgren is being told he has to go on a forced vacation. Eight weeks.
00:36:37
Speaker
He disappeared. They mentioned it a bunch of times. Doesn't really matter. you know He disappeared for like eight days. I could understand seven. I think it was them undercover. Maybe. they That's my guess. They don't explain it. He didn't talk to anybody. Yeah. um But so one of the feds, ah this guy, Switzerland takes Dolph Lundgren into the bathroom.
00:36:55
Speaker
There's a guy peeing in the urinal and fucking dog like taps him on the shoulder and does like the get out of here thing. It's like you don't have to tap him. He's going to get done peeing and he'll see you and you go, hey, buzz off because now he's got a fucking half a bladder full of fucking go juice. Stop peeing.
00:37:10
Speaker
It stings. Isn't it hard for guys to- He's just got to run into the next one with the women's bathroom. Isn't it hard for guys to- It stings. Yeah, no, it's hard to stop. You can. You shouldn't. Bad for you. Bad for your kidneys. Liar Liar told me that, and he couldn't lie, so. I mean, you're not wrong there.
00:37:26
Speaker
they're And then dolf longer no I think Dolph did see him for a moment, at least because this is where he says, well, it's not who did it, but what. OK, so I thought he was talking about the weapon ah when he's in the room for a minute. So he saw he looked around and saw everything that happened. When he said, ah not a who, but a what, I thought he meant the thing, yeah the CD. But it could be that he's like, well, something foul is here. But then fucking Switzer, is that who you said his name is? yeah Right on. He's like, well, you're back on the case. Your boss will go fuck himself. Immediately he tells the chief, put him back on the case. I'm not going to do that. Yeah, you are. One phone call. That's all I need.
00:38:23
Speaker
And you don't want me to fucking do that. But he can't get back on the case. He said he's going on vacation. I said, I go. I didn't say when. And he because he's like, you have to promise me because you're the only person I know that doesn't die and break their word. Yeah. So that's why she comes through in the movie a couple of times for sure. His name is Jackie. He's a stand up guy. I know a Jack that's pretty stand up. I'm all right.
00:38:44
Speaker
I like sitting down more. Yeah, I've never really seen them stand. I was talking. You work with me. I said what I said. I do know other jacks. Do you? I know quite a few. Do you? I do. Get them out of your life. Do you throw them all in the ground? That could be only one. Do you throw them all in the ground and then bounce balls at them? Yes. I try to pick them all up. I don't really understand how the game works, but. You go one, then two, like you have to pick up one. You're not helping. And then you have to pick up two, and then you have to pick up three.
00:39:08
Speaker
So you've got to pick it up no you bounce bounce the ball and get them before the ball and catch the ball. You have to. Yep. You have to catch the ball. So you got to go bounce, pick up the jacks, catch the ball, bounce, pick up more jacks, catch the ball. That's so stupid. Yeah. It was like it was invented before the TV. I know this is like fucking 19 ought to.
00:39:28
Speaker
eighteen This would be enjoyed by those kids from Song of the South who were just ah riveted by a grandfather clock. yeah Oh yeah. A thousand percent. Every hour. That would have blown their fucking mind. So he meets his partner the next day, special agent Smith.
00:39:42
Speaker
ah I don't hate this guy played by Brian Ben Ben. I don't hate this guy. But this is why I don't. I love Stone Cold more than this because of casting. Yeah, because that guy's Sam. What do we know Ben Ben from? and I couldn't find anything I knew. no What was that show that you looked up?
00:39:59
Speaker
He's on some show i that I've never heard of. He was in a movie called The Radio Time or Radio. your You know, your wife knew it right. Radio Time Murders or something. He had his own show called The Brian Men Men Show. Had nine episodes. Probably trash. I don't know. I don't know this guy. I know him from this movie. But he he's your your torpy little FBI agent. Same as I can't think of the dude's name, Sam, whatever, from fucking Stone Cold. Yeah, I don't know why I'm b blank on his name either. Sam. wo Dream on that was a name dream, but he's he's right out of the gate. He's like, I'm the youngest person to ever reach my rank and you and I make twice as much as you. There's a good reason. Yeah. So he's he's the little shithead. And so they immediately don't like each other. We meet Diane, who's played by Betsy Brantley, Sam McMurray, by the way, McMurray, Sam McMurray. But we meet Diane, who's played by Betsy Brantley, who also hung out with Spider-Man, I think.
00:40:58
Speaker
She was the mother in the Princess Bride. Oh, do we even see her? She's I don't I don't know mother. She's credited. That's like one of her most in the heart where Fred Savage is.
00:41:10
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think it's a mother in the story. I think it's a mother in the real. Oh, I was trying to figure out who it would be. I don't know. She's also on Beauty and the Beast. Peter Fox. Oh, of course she's on Beauty and the Beast. Like like a lot of the people that we've talked about. We haven't mentioned in a while, actually. No, it's been a minute. But yeah, the 90s TV show back. And apparently she's in double jeopardy, but like not. She's not. I have. I saw that once and I did. She's not what's her name, you know. Yeah, Judd. Ashley Judd. Ashley Judd, yeah. I can shoot you in the middle of this. You know, what's her name? The famous one. The famous Judd. They're both famous. I know. But so that's this lady. That's his like love interest. Yeah. She's supposed to be like the hot one. She's cute. She's cute. She's super kinky. She's a corner. Oh my god, the things that she wants. No wonder she's like, she's threatening him. She slaps him a bunch. She even says- I would fill your lungs up with water. She even says, I like abuse as much as the next woman. And yeah, that one, like. Uh, you break this promise. I always thought it was going to be my hands that ring your neck. Like, Oh, okay. She does say something here about what she says. I like abuse as much as the next girl. She's like, this, these last eight days you left me wondering if you were dead or alive. And I was kind of hoping for dead. Wow.
00:42:21
Speaker
But he's a fucking cop. So we're going to fuck later, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's going to be real weird. I like her a lot. I hope you like stand up sex. So now our good alien arrives as a played by a guy named ja Jason Biles. Looks like Chris Maloney and Walton Goggins. Yeah. This guy that was in like three other like three movies total. One of them, he played a character named Jay Biles. His name is Jason Biles. So I don't know who the fuck this guy is.
00:42:50
Speaker
We're not going to have you learn a new name, dude. You don't seem like you're ready for that. He crash lands almost on top of a homeless lady. Mm hmm. But yeah, this is he's got a mullet and his head is shaved like halfway. Yeah, it's to keep the hair out of your eyes. You know who it looks like? Ali Yong.
00:43:06
Speaker
Yeah, he is. He has Ali young hair. And if you don't know Ali young, look it up real quick. You'll recognize that face. You'll also want a John Carpenter movies, right? Oh, yeah. You'll see him in just like 40 minutes. If you're watching along right now, just wait. Oh, he was also in the shadow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, certainly was. I mean, he's been in a few movies. We did for like three minutes. Well, I don't think he's ever been in any movie for more than three minutes. true I think he's right I think he's in big trouble little China the longest yeah because he has two and a half scenes but you know what he just shows up for a day and gets paid I'm happy seeing him in a movie when I see that hairline and that normally that Fu Manchu
00:43:44
Speaker
facial hair. I'm excited. They've got him dubbed over in this, too. Yeah. do what i say like I don't think I've ever fucking heard him speak English. And I was like, I still don't think you have because you've got the white boys. I said thank you or whatever. That's going to do like ah tell the white boys go fuck themselves. It's like this is for the Crimson Dragon. We're a a Chinese triad. Remember our name, motherfucker. It's like Dave Chappelle's white guy voice. Yeah, it was it was fun.
00:44:10
Speaker
ah But so Talak, who's our evil alien. No, it's Lambaire. Lambaire attacks this. he's He's going to go around attacking people throughout the movie. Yes. Here it starts with him attacking this bail bondsman who is not taking his shit, but ends up taking his shit.
00:44:27
Speaker
He has this like harpoon like scorpion. Did you say take it shit? He takes his shit where? I'd be here for that. Wait, it's a he? I'm not OK with that unless no one's around. Yeah, I'll try it. But he has this harpoon that comes out of his wrist like scorpion. Get over here! And what we learn is that this harpoon is injecting people with heroin to release endorphins, which he is then harvesting to sell his drugs on his own planet. Your wife kind of called that too. Yeah, I said adrenaline. But, you know, you knew that it was something in the pituitary area.
Director Insights and Stunt Coordination
00:45:00
Speaker
Yeah, we basically learned that this guy is just an intergalactic drug dealer. I very much enjoyed the interview that we watched before. And the guy's like, I mean, it's a common movie about a space drug dealer coming down and doing serial killer stuff like what?
00:45:14
Speaker
You know, you've you've seen that common tale. You've seen it a thousand times. We need the men in black on this one, dude. But I like the way so we don't see the full thing this time. We see him go to stab the guy and it cuts away, progresses. But as we go, I love it. He's he sticks this fucking. So he's got the wrist harpoon that injects the heroin and then he's got. And then he's got Baraka's claws who that he sticks in your face and it sucks out the endorphins.
00:45:40
Speaker
And it's brutal. Well, he sticks it right in their fucking forehead. And on one of these girls, one of these people, the girl, the mccannic girl. Yeah, you see it go right in because it's like a dummy head that he's just jamming this thing. Oh, yeah. It's fucking great. Awesome. The wig kind of falls off a little bit. And six, seven million dollar budget. It's well, it was. fit No, I am not complaining. yeah I like loved it. I love it. I mean.
00:46:01
Speaker
Craig actually said in an interview like he's the kind of guy where he's like, if I've got the take, I've got the take. I'm not going to do it again. Like a lot of people just to make sure. But also, if I get the take, I'm like, hey, I got what I need. And I ask the actors, is there anything you want to try? Is there something you think you make it better? We'll do it again. That's cool. I don't care how late we stay. Like we we need. And he's staying on a million a character. Do you have something your character would do that I didn't direct it to do? Correct. Well, and doing it that way, he's staying within a seven million dollar budget. Like, come on. He's fantastic. Why isn't he still working? He might be retired. Come out of retirement, bro. It's a rough fucking industry to be in. Oh, you know what? He also just might still be doing stunt coordinator stuff. It's true. Because he doesn't want to fuck with CG shit. That's exactly right. He's like, is he one of those? the Because there was another time we talked about a stunt coordinator
00:46:50
Speaker
who was really cool about getting on this movie and they're like, he's like, all right, what are we gonna do? And the guy's like, oh no, it's all gonna be in CG. No, it's the bad guy from Commando. Derek told us the story where it's like, all right, you're gonna fall off this, you're gonna backflip on that. And he's like, all right, when do I do it? And he's like, you already did it, it's on CG.
00:47:06
Speaker
Oh, no. Yeah. No, it wasn't commando. That was I was watching a movie called Undeclared War. Oh, but I thought it was the actor that was. Oh, he was. He is the man. That's right. He is. I forgot about that. Yeah. Not on commando, but he's in commando. Yeah. But no. So ah according to that commander doesn't have any fucking green screen. I just pulled him up on IMDB. And the last time he worked on stunts, he was the stunt coordinator for um Predator. Oh, wow. So he's retired. Super retired. Yeah.
00:47:34
Speaker
He was it was an A.D. on on Predator. So, yeah, he stopped in 1987. Oh, is he still with us? Yeah. He's like, nope, he died. And he just doesn't. It'd be weird because that's what Stone Cold is 91. No, well, that sucks. We want you back. No, maybe he's just having a good fucking life with the amount of money he made. and Teach your grandchildren how to do what you did.
00:47:57
Speaker
Oh, it's a family. I'm sure they do. Like I said, his dad and his brothers and all kinds of people are this. His daughter is in this at some point keeps alive or his sister or somebody. But so when they go to a strip club, also like Stone Cold, get some tits. Well, it's just a bar where people are naked like Stone Cold. There's people on stage. Oh, you know what? Yeah, it's just like that kind of rough and tumble bar. It's just a topless bar. There are girls dancing, but Smith says, like, why are we at a bar? He would say, why are we at a strip club? For sure. I do love. He's got that line. I mean, they don't say where they are, so maybe they're in Portland, which just has bars that are strip clubs. It's the same bar that Stone Cold was in. A lot less bikers and 100% less Billiam Forsythe. Yes. And 100% more aliens. Yeah. What's the five? Smith.
00:48:42
Speaker
How can you think in a place like this and looks at the girls got giant big old boobs hanging out? All the blood's leaving my head Golf Gundrins Rolf Gundrins I love that Jack is Very much appreciating everything that's happening in this room. This is where he goes to think he's just like yeah, I Yeah, lady, you look good. Yeah, that's how Jax think. Yeah, no titties do look good, too. They go to bars and look at tits. That's what Jax do. Don't care the sizes, they just look good. Oh, no, don't care about the size. Shapes, definitely. Sizes, don't care. What's a bad shape? I have to see it to show you, but it's... Sideways. Okay, you might... Did you say sideways? Yeah. Is that a bad shape for a boob? My favorite or... I still like him, but I don't like the banana clips, the ski slopes as much. Those are usually from women who had children. But really, the most important thing is the nipple.
00:49:37
Speaker
No, I know girls like in fucking in high school, when I was in high school, not that I know them now in high school. Oh, that they were bigger. they had That the and just happens. Welcome to tick cast. I'll still ah I'll still get around there. I have a girlfriend who had like the the nipples on top. What? Not like on top, but like they do the slope and the nipples. when She's breastfeeding. She just puts the baby over her shoulder face down. There you go. Hands free. I call him like the teardrop. So there's like a lot of boob underneath and it's more like OK, like when you're wearing not wearing a bra, your nipples are still pointing that way and not down north not south. So he goes to a strip club to meet Boner. Uh-huh. but And that's not a euphemism. You can find a lot of boners in the clubs. dey All right, buddy. Welcome to the show or back again. Yeah. Michael J. Pollard, who was on the Wild Angels as pygmy. Most importantly to me, he's in Scrooge, yeah Scrooge, a Tango and Cash, Tracey. Oh, it is a Christmas movie.
00:50:34
Speaker
So is it like the same Christmas like this year? He's doing that next year. He goes out and dies. Yeah, this is what happens, dude. He gets a gun shoved in his dick and he's like, well, I can't recover from that. I got to start doing drugs and drinking. And now I'm homeless. But he's basically asking this guy, hey, my partner's dead. I want you to tell me who killed him holding a gun to his dick. And he's like also asking where are the fucking drugs? And he's like, you know, the Martians have them. Yeah, which is funny because there's aliens. But he's like, no, they're they're not on in the fucking streets. Do they? Honestly, we kind of thought you guys took them.
00:51:04
Speaker
Yeah, the white boys think the cops did it. He's like, well, that's fucking stupid. He's like, well, that's what they think. I'm just telling you what you fucking want to know. Why you have a gun on my dick? Would I lie to you when you're going to blow my dick off? Yeah. And then he looks at his boyfriend. Oh, yeah. He says he's like he says something about like you tell me you're going to blow your boyfriend's head off or something. And Smith has got a fucking revolver right to him. Yeah. So then they go back to the crime scene. They're trying to work out what the weapon is.
00:51:32
Speaker
And we find out that Smith is a very by the book instincts are bullshit. You learn everything. They're nothing but a bunch of learned responses. Yes. And I'm ready for everything. That's what he says. yeah i've and i've I've studied for every situation. Have you studied for fucking aliens that shoot heroin to people and steal their fucking brain fluid for drugs? No. Have you studied for that? They teach that? No. And Dolph asks him, like, what do you do when you meet something you haven't ever seen? And he's like, I don't know. I haven't run into that until now. And he's like, so what are you going to do? Oh. What are you going to do? Follow my instincts. Yep. They find the weapon because it's lodged in the speaker. And Smith tries to pull it out. It zips zaps around the room and goes right back to the speaker.
00:52:10
Speaker
So they're like, oh, dude, mag how do those work? It's a miracle. So now that's a murder weapon. And they take that with them. He takes a whole speaker. Oh you have to you like and he's taking the evidence home and Smith's like no This is not supposed to be here. This is this is not how we do this by the book I don't know a book you read I'm taking it to my friend at the university first if you don't want me to do that take it from me What fucking universities this guy fucking go to dude the University of Tweaktown you learn that in drug school He goes to Tweaktown University. It's right down the street from Georgetown. Yeah You called it that this was coffee. Oh, because I knew it's got like one of those. I mean, it's a whole series of tubes and drips and yada yada. I was like, that's coffee. It's going to be cute and just show. And I also wanted some of that coffee. Well, it's got double the caffeine and chemical coffee. Fucking weak ass American coffee. Couldn't even keep a mouse awake. His line that he has got fucking random assortment of pills all over this fucking. But you know what it kind of reminded me of? Fringe. Oh, when the now guy, I think it was his name, something. No, Peter Noble. No, ah John Noble. Anyway, the older guy. Yeah, he's making his own LSD. Yeah, he's he's dead. Yeah. The doctor. Yeah. Oh, the son's name is Peter. ah Pacey. Pacey from Dawson's. No, no. Joshua Jackson's dad. OK, he'll always be Pacey to no one to not me. No, never watch the one minute of that. He was Charlie. Charlie's. I never watched a minute of it either. And it's still like when we were trying to come up with weird on Power Rangers, we were talking about that little fan film. And like I was like, you know, Dawson's in that one. Yeah, Dawson, you know, because he's Dawson. It's his creek. Yeah. I don't know. Paisley. I honestly don't even know if that was his. Paisley. Paisley. Are you trying to say Casey with the P?
00:54:00
Speaker
Pacey is so stupid. Also, I don't know if Dawson's name was Dawson. It was me again. Before they went there, before they take that. So upset right now. yeah We have ah Lambert attacking and this guy in a warehouse. Same thing.
00:54:16
Speaker
But now ah the other alien, Isaac, is catching up to him. So he he does still kill this dude. But he interrupt juices. I'll have to get them later. Crushed for time. And this is where we see those guns for the first time. So they've got this gun. It's a I like these guns. So it's based off of a real gun.
00:54:33
Speaker
I have it here somewhere. And these guns were also in stone cold M950 Calico M950. Yeah. And they apparently they were also in stone cold. I don't remember but Jack did. Yeah. But not so much with the alteration. No, it's very it's very fucking.
00:54:49
Speaker
close, though, I think he added a thicker barrel to make it look more big bad, a boomer and then. Well, that's just the practicality. Well, it's like when he's shooting it, it's like the like an automatic pistol. Like it shoots fast, except for whatever it's shooting at in goes into an instant explosion. Hey, you've played borderlands. Do they get incendiary rounds on some of these? This is a fucking doll weapon. Oh, the one gun that Lilith is shooting at where like he she has to like. Oh, yeah. Derek definitely had those on him.
00:55:16
Speaker
Fuck yeah, why wouldn't you? So this is one of the cooler scenes of the movie because this one, as X chasing him, he goes running across, the for some reason he runs across the top of these cars. This is easily my favorite scene in the movie. They have all these cars lined up. This dude's running across these cars as they're exploding one by one right behind him. And apparently he couldn't see with these contact lenses in.
00:55:38
Speaker
Oh, because his eyes are all white, by the way. Yeah. Just in case we didn't say we don't think we did. No, we didn't. But he couldn't see shit with these contact lenses in and he still had to do this stunt hit his marks, obviously, because if he didn't, he's going to get hurt severely badly. He ran across these cars as they exploded. And he did. Mathias Hughes did all this and he did it all in one take. This nowadays, if it's not CG, would be wire work.
00:56:01
Speaker
Yeah. Which is better than CG. I'm not complaining about wire work by any means. I'm just saying this dude did it fucking sans wires. Yeah. Like he is just, if I was going anywhere, I was running on top of cars. In cars. You know that fucking song I love. He runs across, jumps out a window. You see that guy? That guy just pushed him Uh, Smith's like, do you want to change? He's like, what? You don't like my clothes? Like, well, outward appearances are very important. It tells people how to feel about you or something like that. And he's like, well, maybe you should ride in the trunk. I didn't like that. I was like, fuck you, dude. Dolph is dressed fucking fine. He's got a nice leather bomber on. He's not an FBI guy, so fuck you. He doesn't need that monkey suit. Yeah, he's a detective. Detectives wear what they want to wear. He's going to detect how he's going to kill you. Keep that up. But he tells Smith because it's like I'm going to take this fucking thing to Switzer because that's always the whole time he's up Switzer's ass. That's it. I'm going to mom. I mean, Switzer. And he's like, if you try to take this disc, I'm going to hit you very, very hard. And I think it might kill you, by the way. ah There have been numerous times where he does comment how ah Ben Ben does not have love for the case. He's like, here's just sorry, this sounds like you gave him a stupid nickname, but it's his last name. Ben Ben, come back. That he's his heart isn't in the case. He's like, you just want to win. You just want to. You want promotions. Yeah, that's all you want. You're just in it to climb a ladder. You're not in here in it to actually, you know, solve something. You know, do the right thing.
00:57:53
Speaker
kind of Yeah, but also he's, I mean, Dolph Lundgren's not in it for the best reasons. You see it in every cop movie. It always works out for them. But in the real world, it wouldn't. Where it's like, I'm here to get revenge. Yes, but he's also trying to stop everything. Like, that's why he stops that fucking robbery. He could have easily have been like, you know what? Let them kill that. They're not even killed. Let them get away with $85. And I'm just going to make sure that my partner- There's money in the cash drawer. Of course there's money in the cash drawer. That guy Buzz was so excited. There's money. Paper. Have you ever seen green paper?
00:58:22
Speaker
Yeah, instead of them taking his $85, he caused $5,000 worth of damage and killed two people. look That's why they always said don't stop robberies. Hey, Christopher Lambert here. You know what I should have done? I should have not injected all these innocent people. I should have found junkies. Nobody would care if I was raiding the city of drug dealers and junkies. But they wouldn't get the endorphins anymore. Oh, that's right. I forgot how drugs work. Never mind. I'm going to go to suburbia and kill a nice family.
00:58:49
Speaker
But ah Smith ah does say something to Dolph here. He's like, he's like, why don't you like me? Is it because I'm more successful than you? And he's like, yeah, that's exactly yeah yeah right. Bingo. but He's not lying because he's like, that is exactly it. Not what you said, but like what you said. Yeah. Yeah. The fact that you would say that to another because that sentence came out of your mouth is exactly why I don't like you.
00:59:14
Speaker
So Dolph goes to Diane's house. Benton also downs like a whole glass of wine in one sip and says, I'll see you in the morning. Like, OK, you un-classy some bit. I have really nice wine. I drink it like a shot.
00:59:28
Speaker
Dolph's got his pinky out and he's sipping. See how tiny this glass was in Dolph's hand and how big it was in Ben Ben's. Well, dude, I don't know how tall he is. Six, two, probably. Oh, no. He's got to be taller. Well, he's not as tall as Matthias Hughes and Matthias Hughes is six. I'm going to put him at six, three, then I guess. Well, also whoever's name you said, Christopher Lambert, is wearing big, thick platforms. Yeah. Unless he's running on cars. And then this guy, Brian Ben Ben is five, four, maybe.
01:00:00
Speaker
Oh, six, five on Dolph. Oh, OK. Fuck you, motherfucker. So they were just Gandalfing him a little bit. Yes. They definitely did. They shot it at a weirder angle. I thought about that while we were watching this too, because there's a part where Dolph is talking to Smith. Oh, dude. And it's like shooting downward toward him. And I was like, huh, you need to do all that CG work, Peter Jackson. You just hire these two. He's literally fucking Frodo next to Gandalf. There is actually a lot of shots in that that are forced perspective instead of CG. Oh, I know. I know. But there is some that's not, obviously.
01:00:30
Speaker
ah But there's a ah moment where Lundgren, Dolph Lundgren goes to Diane's house. She gets mad at them, slaps them, and then they fuck. A little slap and chuckle. but Did you tell him about last night? That's from beer fest. Anybody want a little slap and tickle? And when they get back to the house, when he gets back to his house, the door is open and the place has been tossed. And Smith is in there. It's Smith that did it. He immediately. We don't know that. He thinks that. it No, because he says ah to Spitzer, Spicer, Spoocher, Switzer, Switzer, Switzerland, whatever.
01:01:07
Speaker
Switzerland says to him like, hey, good job on getting that magnet back and something else. So he was, at but he didn't get it back. That was later. No, no, but I'm saying, but he did this. I'm jumping way ahead when Switzerland tells him, but he was looking for it here okay because he's like, he even asked him. He's like, I got here. Your door was kicked open. So I came in. Where's the magnet? And he's like, I left it at a friend with a friend. He's like, okay, good.
01:01:33
Speaker
Meaning he didn't know where it was. Yes, ma'am. I have something to say to that. So I kind of disagree with you. You can. I don't think it was Ben Ben that did it. I think that it was Switzer's men that did it. it would I still think it was Switzer. I think Ben Ben. I think Ben Ben said something to Switzer and was like, well, he's keeping at his house and da da da da. And because when we fast forward to the scientist, when he gets all fucked off. Oh, yeah. He makes a comment. They look like a bunch of dudes in suits that look like you. Yeah, yes, because that's why I don't devil's advocate. OK, he did. Ben Ben did do this because Dolph is on to him. He's like, you just showed up. And he's like, yeah, hey, they're on to me. Send a team while I'm with him so he won't think it's me next time. Because now that he takes Ben Ben Smith. It doesn't matter. We just know it's all feds doing it. Yes, that's what matters. Because now he takes him to the university to meet this tweaker. And so now Brian ah Brian Ben Ben Smith
01:02:30
Speaker
Little guy, Brian, Ben, Ben, little fucking Smith knows where where it is. So he could give them a location. Yeah. But they go to this guy and yeah, he's making coffee that's twice as strong, whatever. ah He's got just a smorgasbord of pills on the countertop. This guy is just uppers, downers, zingers, little fucking screamers. I just think of Grandma's boy, Space Shuttle.
01:02:55
Speaker
ah She's got a fucking tackle box full of that. I made a happy face. But ah he's he's like, I need all this stuff for my research. And Brian Smith is like, I don't give a fuck about any of this. We're just here about the day. I'm a fed, not a cop. Like, I'm not going to bust you for, I mean, selling drugs, making them. Yeah. Well, I do like what he's, he's first. He's like, yeah, I made this coffee. You guys should get some coffee. And then he just stops. He's like, but I need to relax. And then when he he's talking, and then he lays down and folds himself backwards. As your wife said, he's like he's gauging how close he is to essing his own D. Yeah. Let me just see how far I am. Am I wrong in assuming that's the position you would want to be in? Oh, I'm way too fat for him. Well, not want you. and I'm way too fat to try and ess my own D.
01:03:46
Speaker
Happily fall into your mouth. You need to like roll back onto your shoulders. I'm going to use it as a pickup line. Hi. Can I happily fall into your mouth later? I don't know. You should try it. I'm going to get slapped. But he tells them that basically the disc is a powerful, self-contained electromagnet.
Disc Theory and Villain's Plan
01:04:03
Speaker
It's like tuning your radio to K I L L. I love that.
01:04:07
Speaker
I'd listen. And they're using the electro magnetic charge of humans to do something. Yeah, because we all have our own frequency. Yeah, you got it. Yada yada magnets. Somewhere in there. Somewhere in there that me mechanic chick gets killed, too. Yep. Which is awesome. And we get great boobies. We get brush. We get brush. And I'm not even saying the great scene was because of her boobs, which are great. The great scene is the fucking dummy work we spoke of. Oh, I was going to talk about that bra, that that front clasp.
01:04:36
Speaker
You're way more allowed to talk about it than I am. It's, for whatever reason, it's a lot less skeezy when a woman with a bra fetish talks about a bra than a man with a bra fetish talks about a bra. I gotta tell you, when I was younger, I was all about the front, the front class. Oh, it's, it front seats is naughty. It's so, well, not only that. Well, and you can just go like this. Well, yeah. Good pantomime, Derek. But like, so I had to wear a bra at a very young age to where the boys would like try and unsnap it as I'm walking. Sure, sure. I'm like, I'm fifth grade motherfuckers, back off.
01:05:06
Speaker
Leave me alone, coach. So in fifth grade, I started wearing the front class because nothing got fucked with it anymore. Yeah, perfect. Fun stuff. But yeah, no, front class. What a wonderful thing to grow up as a woman with boobs, getting your bra snapped all the time. Life is good for you. Fucking boys are trash. Oh, but we were told. Men aren't much more. It's OK. They just like you. They're going to beat you up. It's fine.
01:05:29
Speaker
He made you eat dirt. He loves you. Right? It's the breaking crayon syndrome. Well, tell him not to break crayons and to kiss a girl instead. Crayons? Crayons. It's like the one thing that she doesn't enunciate like overly. Oh, there's plenty. I don't enunciate. Oh, is that correct?
01:05:49
Speaker
So they get they go back to Diane and she's big this when she tells them like basically this dude stole a lot stole a lot of heroin So he could kill people with it. Wait a minute. It's just a little ditty about Jack and Diane and it is oh my god ah fuck Because we didn't call him Jack the entire time that all new didy About dolphin die and still works chasing down aliens, shooting up heroin in every man. Ow! That's a banger right there. But Smith's like, why would anybody do that? And she's like, I don't know, people do a lot of sick shit to each other and then looks over at Dolph with like fuck eyes. And I was like, dude, what are you guys doing in the scenes we didn't see? Oh, my God. When she's about when when she's doing like about to do the autopsy.
01:06:32
Speaker
And she asked Ben Ben and Dolph, like, do you want to be in here? Yeah, I'm going to cut this guy's fucking skull open. Ben Ben's like, um, no, I got to make a phone call or something. I got to make a phone call or anything else besides be here. Yes, I want to be in there. Your wife was like, I'd love to watch that when Dolph goes out and he's on the phone. He's like, it's just getting a little stuffy in there, you know.
01:06:56
Speaker
Also, nobody had any protection. Like there's going to be blood. If I know the human body at all, there's going to be blood everywhere. Oh, you definitely wear the glasses that have the thing that goes over your face. I would i would definitely wear it. But there's this extra in this next part where Dolphin and Smith are leaving and this extra playing a cop comes up and I can't remember his exact line. He did. This came for you today. But yeah, he's just like.
01:07:20
Speaker
Oh, hey, Kane, this came for you today and he like hands him a letter and then like Zolf takes it and starts walking away and the guy stands there for a second, and like looks all proud and then just walks off screen. yous at the camera You know, he was up all night like, hey, this came for you today. This came for you today. ah This came for you today. Well, bro, this came for you today. can you Hey, look, it just came for your day.
01:07:43
Speaker
But this is a signed photograph from Muhammad Ali. Sherman, whatever, Victor. Big mouth. Yeah, the guy from earlier. And it's like having a great time in Rio. Wish you were dead. Love whoever the fuck. ah P.S. I told Walter.
01:07:58
Speaker
Warren Warren I told Warren I don't even know why I try remember names. I just got like look at Whitney like I told Warren to come look you up So they're they're going no, it's Warren is it yeah, you had it right there God's name was Warren My name's not Warren. His name's not Warren? I gotta say it's They're going to see Warren and on the way some white boys are tailing them and they're like Corvette or whatever. And there's a big car chase. Dolph Lundgren is like, hey, how well do you know this neighborhood? He's like, I know it OK. He's like, you should probably let me drive. No, I'm driving. OK, well, those guys are going to chase us. And they start shooting out the back window. He's like, you can drive. Oh, there's some hot boys checking us.
01:08:37
Speaker
He does the smartest way of switching seats, though. You see people do this in all the time, but this dude just dives in the back. Nope. go jumps over Disagree. Disagree. I really wanted to see Dolph on his lap for fucking like three seconds. Fair, fair, fair. Either way, I want to watch that. Because that's how they always do it. That would be like ah ah Bob Newhart sitting in Will Ferrell's lap in health. I have a quick i have a quick rewrite.
01:09:02
Speaker
Uh, Dolph sits on his lap and he just disappears. He doesn't even like, they don't switch spots. He just absorbs into the seat. And he's just all, I think we lost him. But this is the smarter way. Cause you see people try to do that where they go, the one guy switches to the passenger seat, the other guy switches to the driver's seat. And I'm like, that's not going to work. yeah And this fucking Smith is just like, burn I'm out of here. Grab this wheel. Cause we are careening down the fucking highway. So we're going to have this high speed chase with a Corvette and a station wagon. I love me a station. I love a good woody. I love a good one. It's a cool chase. Obviously, we're not going to describe the chase. Watch the movie if you want to see it. Then he takes that turn to a mouse. And he's a. Well, there was like there is that part because ah Smith pulls out this fucking dirty hairy gun. Where'd you get that? It might be a 22, but Smith's a small man. No, he's not. It's so tiny. is No, a dirty hairy gun is 100% correct, except it has a sniper scope on it. I was right then. And Dolph Lundgren's like, where'd you get that? And he's like, Christmas present from my mom. I'm going to need to meet your mom.
01:10:08
Speaker
yeah Can I get on that Christmas list at all? But so they get away from those guys because the white boys don't want to scratch their
Shady Characters and Drug Dealings
01:10:15
Speaker
cars. He knew, too. They're going to play chicken. And they get to this law firm or whatever it is and meet Warren, who's played by Sam Anderson, who is ah Mr. Anderson. That's what Smith should have said when he walked in. I'm Agent Smith. Mr. Anderson.
01:10:31
Speaker
But this guy, we've seen in a lot of stuff, or at least a few things. It took me, I didn't even get to it until I think you, Derek or Whitney, which one of you saw it? I saw it. Because Whitney said that you looked like Tom. The teacher and Forrest Gump. Yeah, the principal that I... Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump. I did say immediately, I was like, oh, what's up, teach?
01:10:50
Speaker
Yeah, that's it's the one. It's the one that Sally Field fucks so that Forest can keep going to school. Your mama sure does care about your education, but he is also in seasons four and five of justified. I can't remember. I think his name was like Lee Harvey Oswald.
01:11:07
Speaker
And he was like, he's trying to high five you. I think it was Paxton or something. He's the guy who's like he's at the the rich people's swinger party that. ah ah Walton Goggins goes to and he ends up he owns like a funeral home and Walton Goggins ends up beating the shit out of him and banging his wife. Yeah, he's a judge.
01:11:25
Speaker
You know what, dude? You still got a story. Or he knows a judge. Yeah. How'd you get that black guy? Dude, Walton Goggins beat the shit out of me and fucked my wife. Dope. He was also he was the head of Wolfram and Hart and Angel. Yes, he was. The one that gets killed in like season two or three. That's the stupidest thing you've said today. No, it's not. Basically the same character he's playing here, by the way, except for he works for like demons and stuff.
01:11:48
Speaker
Well, drug dealers, demons, tomato, tomato. He was also on Lost in ER and Melrose Place. Of course. I am getting so sick of this Melrose Place. We haven't actually watched Melrose in months. I'm going to start taking a shot every time you say it in order to see if I can go to the whole podcast. Let's bring another bottle. Amber, pick a bottle.
01:12:09
Speaker
Melly Rose place. Melly Rose place. But so they they're telling him, like, hey, we thought you guys took the drugs. Don't know what to tell you. They're being snarky assholes. But basically, they're like, you have to go do this drug deal for us. Oh, because they get Smith, by the way, is what happened. Yeah. Dolph Dolph's got like one gun on 20 people. They all have their guns on the table. Do you notice that? Yeah. Like they're all sitting like you show up to this meeting like, and put the guns on the table. Well, it's like the Knights of the Roundtable, where they put their swords in. That's what I thought it looked like, except for its Berettas. I like that, though. But yeah, he's got the drop on them, but they come out with Ben-Ben. We're going to make Ben-Ben bang, bang, dead, dead. Well, they're like, you're going to do this for us, or you'll become known for having dead partners. And then it's kind of funny, because it's this shot of Brian Ben-Ben sitting there, and then just like three guns come at different times off screen, just pointing at his head. It's very Bugs Bunny, and I'm not mad at that.
01:13:03
Speaker
Um, so he takes the brief briefcase of drugs to this briefcase store, which I guess existed in the eighties. There used to be one, there used to be one at the park place mall. Now you just go to a department store. No, you can fucking Amazon. Well, in like, I'm sure in like New York city and shit where they have like, you know, big talky talk business men. Look at that. He brought it back. There's like briefcase stores where you go in to get your fancy briefcases. For sure. Where like American psychotype guys go.
01:13:30
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I would like my business card. This one's an eggshell with a raised. This is a Cadillac of business cards, my friend. So one of these days we'll have to do American Psycho on Patreon and American Psycho two on the main screen. What is Christian Bale's birthday? Who is in American Psycho two? Is it a female? Yes. Wasn't that the girl from Don't Ask Me? Oh, you know, never mind. I'm thinking of Donnie Darko's sequel that I didn't watch. Also a girl. But yeah, that's what I was thinking. The girl from that 70s show, Mia Kunis. Yes, Mila Kunis. And I know William Shatner shows up in there, too. There's some hot chick here. It's giving me some thing. That hot girl just fed a cat to an ATM.
01:14:16
Speaker
Wait, what? That happens in an American psycho. Oh, just the phrasing is fed a cat to an ATM. But so Ali ons there. He takes the briefcase of drugs, gives Dolph longer and an empty briefcase says, tell the white boys to kiss my ass and runs out. ah Don't forget the triad runs this town, motherfuckers. And then in the alley,
01:14:42
Speaker
Dolph Chase is about there in the alley. Ali Leon. It's a long alley. He is Ali Leon now because he's dead in this alley yeah and. But he didn't get the Christopher Lambert didn't get to finish the job. No, but he did get the drugs. Yes. But I think he was trying to. I think he wanted to do that. He was the old thing to stroke. Yeah, the old poke and stroke. Poke and suck. But no, well you poke in the drugs and you stroke out the adrenaline. Got it. It did rhymes.
01:15:10
Speaker
But he wanted to do that, but he still got the briefcase full of drugs, which will help him do more pokes and strokes. I like poking stroke better. Isaac shows up and chases. Isaac. Hey, Isaac, Isaac shows up to Isaac. Isaac gets down. He chases Christopher Lamb out. Hey, why do you have such a funny fucking name, Isaac?
01:15:32
Speaker
ah You're a funny name. I don't like the way that you sound. You have a funny accent. And they blow up this alley and they blow up the car at the end. There's more explosions. Smith was being held hostage by the white boys. We didn't mention they were outside the luggage store while he went in. And he breaks away from them by kicking them in the cubes. Correct. The cubes. as It's now officially a 90s movie because there was a nerd shark. Nerd shark? A nerd shark? You know what? did You kicked me in the nuts hard enough I will shit my pants. Like that is a button. It's a button. Oh, ah there was one time when I was in high school and there was this girl I used to hang out with. Don't remember her name. Nart chart. And she comes up one day like, you know, she was always doing the thing where she would like hit you or whatever, not just to me, to everybody. She comes up and she's walking toward me and she goes to kick me in the leg.
01:16:24
Speaker
and I moved to the side instinctively. So square right in the Nerds. And one of them, I swear to God, went right up into my throat. Like both of them? Oh, it was. Yeah, it was like the ankle, like where your foot curves. And you're wondering, why did you walk into the kick? Well, I didn't know he did this. He i did like I did like a pivot and instead of the foot kicking my leg, which was what she was going for, took me right in the sack.
01:16:48
Speaker
And I'm pretty sure we need to kick that high, but his leg wasn't there. So I just I'm pretty sure one went somewhere up around like my tonsils. My nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect. Weird science could be why I never impregnated anyone could be. I mean, I tried. I tried pretty hard, too, but not also just you're not supposed to pull out. Anyway, moving on.
01:17:11
Speaker
You're not supposed to. Well, if you're trying to have a bad. Oh, no, I'm never trying. I'm just saying there's, you know, you know, things happen. I'm like a sofa. I always pull out. And it's uncomfortable. You don't want to sleep on me so that much. um Yeah, so this is where she kind of tells them, like, I think it's Diane who reveals like kind of what's going on. She's like, the hero is making the endorphins. He's stealing the endorphins from the brain. Well, someone is doing this because she doesn't. And it's it's these are people that aren't junkies. Like this is a fucking hero dose of heroin yeah for people that have never done heroin. And Dolph Lundgren takes Smith in the hallway. He's like, I think we're dealing with aliens and not from Mexico. Fuck off. 1990 called it once it's joke. Oh, wait, this is 19. Wait, wait. <unk> He's not even cooking down this heroin. He's just like diluting it because it is as white as it is in powder. It's just mixed with water. It's like literally it's just diluted. It's not like diluted washed out. Right.
01:18:10
Speaker
Well, it's a water added to it. So it's delicious to your point, though, like you say, it's really hydrated. He's not like skim milk is Diane mentions that we don't have the technology to take the endorphins and turn them into something that can be used as a drug. So this guy, but this guy's got it all in his little arm cannon. I was really hoping like something where he can put the heroin in and it processes it into something that will be at least, you know, break up yeah by the human body nothing on this world. But on my world, this is how we take picnics. We shoot heroin to people and then we take it in a vial and we pass it around like cider. I saw that little xenomorph calling on the ceiling. I like to get high off of your endorphins. You know, we haven't even done Mortal Kombat yet, so no one gets it.
01:18:55
Speaker
Oh, they get it. Watch Highlander. Watch fucking Mortal Kombat. Watch anything with Christopher Lambert. I think if you've heard me speak, you know exactly how he talks. I'm spot on. He doesn't talk like that in Southland tales, but that's also like 2000. Also, I've never seen that one. I know I'm in it, but I've never seen it. But that's like 2011. He knew how to speak English by then. He learned English for Highlander, I think you told me somebody to learn. Did he speak French, French, French, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian, Canadian
01:19:30
Speaker
quebec yeah good fishing down there in quebec good fishing in queback good fishing in cbo but i yeah This is when they go to a tweaker guy's place. Somebody took the desk and beat the shit out of him. I'm surprised that he even felt pain with the amount of pills, dude, like he got beat up and been like, oh, no pain. I feel amazing. a How do you feel? I feel like I look you look like shit. Yeah. look at yourself How do you feel? I don't know. That's the green Martian in the corner. He's in charge. I've had an experience like that.
01:20:00
Speaker
Mine wasn't a green Martian, but I've definitely had somebody not there in charge of my life. yep Look, Salo over there says I feel fine. ah The sword from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers sauna says I'm doing good.
01:20:14
Speaker
And the lamb bear is killing another person in the grocery store, but there's two other people there. So he he kills the two people and starts trying to kill that guy as it shows up as like it's our ever bothered path tension to Isaac and chases him out again, blowing up all the store aisles, blowing up a car outside, but leaving a witness. So that's what's funny, though.
01:20:34
Speaker
is I think either like we're about to get there where Dolph is like, he's on our side. Like one of them is a good guy. He's not on your side because there's going to be collateral damage with how he's fucking shooting at this guy. There's collateral damage with cops shooting at other people. well Oh, for sure. For sure. so I mean, like if you're like not in the 90s. Like if you're a baby in your crib and the cops want to erase your neighbor's house, but they get the address wrong.
01:20:58
Speaker
you're the You're just collateral damage. It's fine. Thank God our cops don't- We're throwing a flashback into a baby's crib. It's not a big deal. Thank God our cops don't incinerate rounds like this. Fuck. They've got all the other military weaponry. That is Judge Dredd. Right. i But even he has non-lethal options he uses. But so there's a a witness left behind. So they go down there to find out any information they can. But there's a bunch of suits there who won't let them in, including Smith, even with his FBI ID. And they'll start the coroner because she's like, dude, I'm signing off on ah my name is being signed on dead bodies and I've seen the crime yet crime scene yet. Yeah.
01:21:37
Speaker
Yeah, because she's trying to get in. He tries to get in. He pulls out. Dolph pulls out his badge. Smith pulls out his badge, which is a funny moment. You can all put your wallets away. I like that guy. I wanted to fight here because Dolph's like, I'm pretty sure I'm going in. And they're like, no. And two more guys back him up like.
01:21:56
Speaker
I could kick all three with one. Right. That's what I was expecting. I wanted that. So even if you don't go in, because I know the plot has to progress that he doesn't go in, but at least like knock all three of them out. Three Stooges style. Yeah. With like one fucking kick and then be like, yeah, it's not worth it. Yeah. But then Ben Ben walks five feet that way and just goes under to talk to the other guy. Switzer calls him over when he sees him.
01:22:16
Speaker
But it's this is this is showing like Switzer's been like whatever so far, but this is showing that he's shady. He's not. Oh, yeah. And he's covering. Well, but he is shady, though. But he's not. Yes, man. Because once he gets his gun coming up, what's the first thing he does is give it to Switzer. Even like that's the that's his only thing that he wants to do. He has. No, no, he ends up giving it to Switzer. We'll get there. We'll get. Yeah, that's coming up in a minute. Yeah, I know we're real close. Otherwise I would just go with it, but we're close. The chief comes over and basically tells Dolph like, hey, case is closed. Go on your vacation. Fuck off. Azek's watching this whole thing. He convinces Claire to fucking quit her job and go with her. Diane. Who did I say? Claire? I think that's Stone Cold.
01:23:02
Speaker
No, I think I'm thinking of Scrooge. Anyway, player quits her job and changes her name. But Azek is watching all this stuff happen and he's bleeding like melted cream cheese. It's disgusting. Aliens are jars of mayonnaise. Hot, over microwaved mayonnaise. Whole microwave mayonnaise would be over microwaved by the way. true true but i mean enough It's like jumping out of the fucking goddamn jar like Ghostbusters 2 when you're yelling at slime. Did you put that mayonnaise in the microwave and the toaster? Did you fuck that mayonnaise? It's really gross. It's a cool looking effect, but me hating white creamy sauces. This is awful. This looks like somebody put too much sour cream in a burrito and didn't fill it up. They didn't close the end and squeezed it. Are you sure you weren't touched when you were in Catholic school? I'm not sure I wasn't.
01:23:52
Speaker
Your affinity against all of it. It sounds like you got facials. Well, I don't remember for a nine. So I do have great skin. mean i You'd have to keep doing it to keep. Why do you what do you think the fucking priest always have the kids pray on their knees? Exactly. I mean, they we pray on their knees. They pray on us.
01:24:11
Speaker
So Dolph tells Diane. It's funny to get his word play. Dolph tells Diane, fuck this place. Fuck these people. Let's go on vacation. It's fucking so quit your job. Let's go. And she's like, OK, fuck it. I'll do it. Yeah. And if you fuck me over on this. Oh, yeah.
01:24:25
Speaker
What are you going to do? Fill your lungs with water. Oh, kinky. And I don't mean vagina water. This is my safe. My safe word is I come in peace. My safe word is don't stop. Did you see the cop look at her when she says that? I think two of them like he's looking one wrote it down. He's like, she's going to waterboard him. I'm going to make a note that she threatened him in case we have to come back to this for a. No, he's like Diane Coroner.
01:24:50
Speaker
Kinky shit. So they have a little him and Dolph and Sam Smith for Sam Smith. Yeah, we try it again. Dolphin Smith have a little dolphin Smith like you're making dolphins. Oh, oh, it's a dolphin Smith. I like him. I do. It's like dolphin stuff, but it's like people who work with leather, but they only work with dolphin skin.
01:25:15
Speaker
Imagine this dolphin skin wallet. Don't worry, it's okay. This dolphin game was given way too much acid. It's dolphin pen. That dolphin was fucking having its way with people, I'll tell you. Had to be put down. But they have a little confrontation in the parking lot because Smith is still being a sycophant. Yeah. And dolf he's like, look, your problem is you don't care about the rules. You're not a team player. And he's like, well, your team sucks.
01:25:37
Speaker
and walks off he has a lot of one-liners they're not great but but he does this is dolf deliver this is where he tells you no he's like you're oh no no we're not there no yeah right here's where he says he says you're gonna get that line yeah you're gonna get that break a few eggs to make an omeelette line and you're just going to suck it up ah and he's in isn't he is isnt this when he says this is too No, that was back at the station. think How many do I get? I'm gonna fucking sock you right now. Did we ever get three? No. I think this was three. This is three. ah So, Dolph goes to his car. Azek's in there. So, they go ah away. Oh, Smith jumps in the car first and he's like trying to... Dolph's talking to Azek. Smith starts talking to him and he's like, can you just hold on a second? and He keeps talking and then he's like,
01:26:21
Speaker
You know, there's an alien in your car. Because the aliens, the aliens dying, by the way, cottage cheese bleeding. Yeah. And it's funny because like, well, we have our body like there's our evidence and this dude explodes into a ball of light. Like, well, shit. Yeah, basically, basically he tells him he's a cop. I'm an officer of the law like you and you have to promise me he's a dealer. Yeah.
01:26:45
Speaker
That's when Dolph like almost looks right into the camera. A street level, no good drug dealer. But he makes him promise that he'll stop him, which means he has to stop him. So he says, I promise that guy dies and explodes. And it's hilarious. Oh, I think.
01:27:01
Speaker
Isaac. So is there like you're tearing my car apart, Isaac? Is there burnt cream cheese all up in this Monte Carlo? Oh, god did you by the way, beautiful Monte Carlo, like ladies, Monte Carlo. the It's it. There's got to be some residue. Right. I mean, unless it's like a vampire. It's the equivalent of like when humans die, they shit their pants. These aliens just like shit cream cheese, hot mayo all of your car. Thank you. No. Selling that fucking thing.
01:27:30
Speaker
Smith takes the gun to give to Schweizer and Schweizer takes it puts it in a bag. And this is why I think that he's been he's a company man. No, i think that's his only thought on all of it. Yeah. His only thought is to get Schweizer the gun. and He's like, also, good work on getting that CD back. So I still may say that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. did Oh, yeah. I didn't hear that.
01:27:50
Speaker
But I also maintain that he was like, I'm going to get it from Dolph's house. And when he when he what do you call it, toss the house, it wasn't there. So he's like, well, fuck it. I'll pretend like, you know, maybe he got caught right like in the middle of the act. He's like, I'll just pretend that I'm, you know, showing up late kind of thing. OK.
01:28:07
Speaker
And, you know, Dolph does give him dirty looks every time. Oh, yeah. He's like, I don't believe you coming up. He even says like, trust no one rule. no Rule number one of the Jack. OK, you know, a Jack Burton says at a time like this. Well, it's because rod no one kept quoting page one to him from yeah the Schweizer manual. Page 11 of the Schweizer manual do this page 14. You know, so he does. But he does say, are you are you fucking Schweizer? He's talking Schweizer's dick. He is.
01:28:34
Speaker
before he leaves he says something to dolf he's like we're the good guys jack somewhere along the line you forgot that ah so he still thinks he's doing the right thing he's just he doesn't think that his boss is a crook he thinks that switzer's waysd way to do it yeah but it is the right thing but then after he gives me the gun swiz schweitzer is just like hey look you did good here Um, I'm not going to make you kill Jack. We'll have somebody else do that. Yeah. We're going to use this alien technology to advance military weaponry and duh, duh, duh. And you can see, but he's killing, but he's going to, he's killing people, sir. And he's like, ah, can't make an arm without breaking a few eggs. Yeah. And then he pulls his gun or Schweitzer pulls his gun. You get used to work like this. Trust me. And then pull his gun right to execute style. Yeah. And fucking Dolph Langerin blows this dude away. Yeah. I don't know what gun Dolph, Dolph Lundgren's using, but this dude flies feet. Looks like a Beretta. Looks like a Beretta, but I could be wrong. But either way, I mean, guns don't do this. I was going to say it looked like a .22 in his hands. Yeah, I was like, can a full-blown man fly like seven feet away if you shoot him with a gun from a distance? You would have to have a .50 cal or something. Yeah. Like Rambo 4 or Rambo. The fucking .50 cal? Yeah. Yeah. Those people were just flip-flapping all over the place. Sure. That makes sense.
01:29:49
Speaker
Dolph and Smith go to Dolph and Smith goes to dolphin Batman is dolphin Smith That's got to be the name of one of Will Smith's kids right dolphin I doubt it, but they changed their name to that identifies a dolphin But they go to Tallick's like hideout um and Smith has the alien gun because he took it back from Switzer. Oh, and because Isaac tells him he's like he's he's drug dealer, yada, yada. If he succeeds and like leaves with this, he's going to come back and murder people by the thousands. He's bringing back more. He's bringing back more people. Yeah. Because this is cheap. Like, I mean, just imagine if America found out we can get oil from human bones.
01:30:26
Speaker
Well, and that the idea is it's not just that he can do that. He's stealing the drugs that make the people secrete the endorphins that he then steals also. So we provide it all. Yeah. One stop shopping. One stop shop Earth, dude. You need heroin. You need endorphins. Come to Earth. Boy, we got you covered in all fronts. Come on down to Mad Willy's Earth. Our prices are so low you're going to think I'm mad. Is that a dead hooker in that trunk?
01:30:55
Speaker
You know, his office in Florida, right? ah Oh, that's where all the Mad Willy's are. Well, what if it wasn't a America? Then it'd be. ah Oh, come on over to Crazy Dicks. Mad Willy, Crazy Dick. You see what I did that of? I did. So there they go to the hideout. They're trying to find him. He attacks them. It's a hideout. It's hard to find him. He attacks there. He hides in the name.
01:31:25
Speaker
We can't find his hideout. Really? Well, they found the hideout. I know. They tried to find him in the hideout. Because he's hiding in his hideout. But he attacks them and. I've got you by surprise, fuckers. Smith is able to shoot this guy twice when Asik couldn't hit him a single fucking time. Yeah. Yeah. Asik was a really bad shot. It was good for us to watch all the boom booms he made, but a really bad shot. Really a bad shot. But ah when he's leaving, like when he gets shot, he drops his ah cryogenic chamber of drugs that he has on his hip. Sure. He drops all of his fucking dino DNA samples. By the way, I love he's got this he's got this little like fucking Batman utility belt thing. It's like a fanny pack Walkman that when it opens, it shoots out like cryo stuff. But when Dolph Lundgren opens it later, he's holding it right about right below his face and he opens it and the stuff shoots right in his face. And I'm like, sure, it was like compressed CO2 or whatever. You don't know what the fuck just came out of that thing. That's alien cold baking.
01:32:23
Speaker
Whoa, I'm fucked up, dude. At best, it's Earth Freon. It's whatever aliens use instead of Freon. It's basically like huffing the stuff that you spray your keyboard out with. Yeah. Yeah. Gives you a real deep voice, by the way. um They go back to Dolph Lundgren's house before they go looking for him. And he's like, because Smith got hit in the arm with one of the spinny CDs. ah Yeah. And he's like, hey, do you have a jacket for me or something? So he gives him this jacket and we're all going, this isn't going to fit.
01:32:52
Speaker
No fucking way. And he's like, wow, it fits perfectly. It's all flung. It's like, well, yeah, it should. It's the jacket I had when I was 12. And dude this jacket is like a fake. top dog It's a fake letterman jacket. Says top dog on the back. On the front, it says captain.
01:33:07
Speaker
Do you guys remember Big Dog? Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking this is like from his days riding with ah Lance Henriksen and William Forsyth. Fuck you, pig. Before he became a cop. Yeah. He was the first one to try and to go undercover. He had to move across the country. That's why he's over probably in California. Probably California. It seems like California. Do you know where it was shot? I don't, because I was top of my head. Of one stage Ohio. I have no reason.
01:33:32
Speaker
I'm going to say California purely based on the fact I'm looking it up right now, but purely based on the fact that like you think low budget and you think weird places like Ohio, but also not having to travel. Yeah. um Oh, Houston. Ooh. Oh, yeah. There was something that said Houston.
01:33:49
Speaker
Yeah, it was shot in Houston, Texas. All right. Yeah, Diane shows up to go on the trip and they're all like, ah well, we've got one more thing we have to do first. And she's like, dude, you said we were going on a fucking trip. He's like, we are. That's it. I'm all bored. I just have to murder an alien. I'm filling your lungs with water. I told you I don't want to do it. OK, now I have to burn the whole building down. So the white boys show up to attack Dolph and Smith. It's funny like then the hot boy show up the hot boy show up to attack dolphin smith dolphin smith has got days added a game with him why and Then the highlander shows up and fights the hot boys. Hey, I don't like the white boys. I don't like any of you There's so many fucking explosions in this cuz they're trying to shoot him this is their cars This is our we've all seen a fireworks show. Yeah, this is your finale. Yeah
01:34:40
Speaker
Is that something they play at fireworks shows? It's what plays in movies that have fireworks and culmination. Yes. It's the it's the crescendo of the movie.
01:34:53
Speaker
It's a weird thing to crescendo to, dude. No, not if you do it like I do it. Yeah. Back to back with your best friend. We call it double dragon style. You got you got fireworks going off and people dying. I mean, why not? and Back to back would be bad boy style. No, double dragon. You go back to back and lean on each other and masturbate. They don't masturbate. See, that's why we call it double dragon. Because your dragons are out? Uh-huh. All right.
01:35:17
Speaker
ah But there's another car chase, which is great more than one car chase love it mm-hmm And it's another fairly extended one I mean we don't have any like dude your wife was so happy you you even called it out like the fucking the choreography right These corners there's the streets are full of other cars obviously they're all on traffic on yeah, they're going against the grain they're doing the the fucking pulling the salmon yeah, yeah the ah ah They're driving the wrong way. Christopher Lambert is driving a stolen police car with no door on it. Oh, you got to love that. And Dolph Lundgren is driving his Monte Carlo. They do end up driving through a mall like fucking Blues Brothers. Oh, they go a tenth of what Blues Brothers does. They don't take out any kiosks. Was there a phantom in this mall?
01:35:59
Speaker
Is there a phantom in the mall? There is, after fucking one of these guys definitely ran over people. That's a real phantom. Not just a so and so in a broken hockey mask. Just an R word in a broken hockey mask. Yeah, previous episode, Phantom of the Mall, colon, Eric's Revenge. I actually want to watch that again yeah and not record. like i just oh yeah I just want to watch it again. I've watched it since we recorded it. A little baby Polly Shore, dude. Love it. It's a fucking hoot. Yeah.
01:36:29
Speaker
ah there is a cop who joins them because Dolph Lundgren calls and he's like, hey, I'm being pursued by a blue and white, but it's stolen. So the other cop shows up and he's like, you need to pull over the car, sir. Yeah. Hey, you over there. This guy just shoots him in the fucking neck and he just goes right into the bear or the like a barricade.
01:36:48
Speaker
Of the like a tunnel like the in between Support beam for the road above them for the bridge. It's the only time we see lamb bear smile. yeah Oh, yeah guy hits that fucking barricade and he's just like Dude another fucking beautiful crash and huge explosion like yeah yeah Can't say enough and it's not just like you see the car driving no door in the car so the stunt driver could jump out no there was no jail There was no door on oh Oh, that would have made sense. I was with you. I was like, no shit. No, but but the cool thing about it is, you know, and not to harp on a small thing, but like it's not just like a shot of a car and then a shot of the barricade and then an explosion. yeah They do a lot where it's like works you just explode some barrels or whatever. You see this car make impact and crumple and then just explode. Probably my favorite of the movie. Yeah, explosion and maybe stunt even.
01:37:40
Speaker
I think my favorite stunt is probably the running across the cars. Oh, okay. That's it. That's it. This is my favorite explosion. Then Smith turns around, blast the fuck out of Lambare's car and it flips over and explodes. And they're like, oh, cool. And they get out. No, Smith gets out and he's all, yeah, punk. That's what I thought. Oh, shit. He's up. He's up. Get up. Let's go. Let's go's go. Roll him up. Roll him up.
01:38:05
Speaker
But yeah, he just walks right out of that explosion. Yeah, just straight out of the flames. So they end up at a foundry, of course, a foundry of some sort. It's not operating. You're going to make the Joker du du dun du dun or you're going to kill a Terminator by a hydraulic press or you're going to drop him into a fucking lava factory or who's is going to be coming out of something. This is 1990. So this is about the end of the era where every action movie had to end in a foundry. Uh huh.
01:38:34
Speaker
And I'm okay with it. yeah but if ever This is how Batman films are made. I've never heard of foundry before. I've heard of factory. ah Foundry is more of the metals and the smelting of... Oh, the smelter? I think of foundry because of Terminator 2. For sure. You got a vat of, I'm guessing, like liquid metal. Yeah, I don't know if you heard me, but I said, dun dun dun dun dun.
01:38:54
Speaker
That's how you speak Terminator. Oh, OK. That's the theme. That's the quick, quick off the top of your head. Do you know who does that music? Because I don't know. No. OK. It's iconic as fuck. It's not Sylvester. It's no. I don't know. It's no Johnny Dubs. But well, nothing can be John Williams. But John Williams scoring Terminator wouldn't make it a very different movie. By the way, I meant to share this on the Haun took shots first podcast that we do.
01:39:19
Speaker
um There is a guy, he's ah he's a music theory guy, very, very educated, we're very well traveled. And in his travels, he started asking people, the most famous composer. Okay. Of all time, by the way. I know who it is. And do you know who they answered? John Williams. John Williams. Because anywhere in the world you are, you can start to hum that. You could you could hum a Beethoven song that I might know. You can hum, like and i'm umm i'm maybe i'm I'm the worst example.
01:39:47
Speaker
Well, I mean, I was about to be like, oh, you mean like and then I was like, I can't think of one. I know I know Mozart, Beethoven and stuff like that. I know some of those. because I heard it. I would know. But I wouldn't know who it was ah hu off top of my head. ah hu And right now, when you said Beethoven, I was like, oh, you mean like that? Never mind. Exactly.
01:40:06
Speaker
I'm raising my hand. Yes, go for it. So the original soundtrack um composed and performed by a synthesizer for 1984 film, The Terminator is Brad Fadel. Yes, I just found him to it. He did.
01:40:23
Speaker
A mechanical man in his heartbeat is what he was going for. OK. Johnny Mnemonic. True Lies. Ooh. Some Tales from the Crypt. So James James Cameron likes him. Yeah. But I mean, that's it. He did. Those are the two James Cameron movies, his teacher, Derek, because it's a synthesizer.
01:40:40
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. We didn't talk about it, but they're a part to this movie where it is like damn near John Carpenter since a little bit. i I'm here for it as much as anybody else. And I don't know if this is the guy who did the music on this is a guy named Jan Hammer, I'm assuming. Dude, yeah, we were watching the credits and there's so there's like something turtle. There's this guy. There's this young hammer music by Jan Hammer.
01:41:03
Speaker
But it said that i'm I'm going to drop the beat like a young hammer. I'm assuming he did the music for Miami Vice because it said that a like a large portion of this was like music that he had repurposed from Miami Vice, but then changed. And when I was listening to like kind of the main theme, the Cynthia like driving kind of thing that's going on, I was like.
01:41:23
Speaker
Okay, yeah, huh. I can see my I haven't watched almost any my nobody but you even this if you think of the the opening why say people know you credit i don't I don't know it very well Oh I'll watch my big connection right fucking now. I won't with all you guys are gonna make me watch it I know. And then it's coming up soon. I know he is. I've already had to sit through it in numerous times. We are going to play drinking games to it. OK, good. Yeah, I got it. OK. I think I'm really excited about doing Miami Connection for an anniversary episode um with Steve from father, from a bucket of chum, because he's already requested to do it with us. And he was one of the movies he said he would really like to cover. And I was like, well we've already done it.
01:42:13
Speaker
But it's archived and it was one of our first episodes. It was the first time Jack came on. Yeah. um You never forget your first time. But it's archived. It's not available to the public unless you're a patron. pat Patreon dot.com slash Where's People. I know. Just three bucks, people. Three bucks a month. um But I want to redo it like we did with Tami and the T-Rex for sure for another anniversary. I'm so excited because I've seen it enough times now that I could just watch it. I don't want to take notes. I was going to say like this is going to be you like watching and enjoying a movie. Yeah. So they set up like a sniper trap at the foundry because Smith says all he needs is one clear shot. Kind of kind of because they set the drugs out and they hide behind a broken window. But also when he got out of the car was like, yeah, bitch, the guy's running at you without a weapon. There's your open shot. Yeah. Like we could have found out then that your gun is empty. Like we find out now but precisely. Also, was it empty or was he trying to use too much of the gun?
01:43:04
Speaker
He put that because it had four four tiers. It might be empty, but it also might it might be that like. Well, and we also saw that tier one didn't kill him. Correct. Well, it's like certain guns in video games where like if you use it stronger, you have to wait for it to recharge longer. Yeah. It's an older gun. It's a little tired. It needs some more. It needs some more time between shots. But the gun is empty. So he comes up and chases them. There's more bottom booms. I think Dolph Lundgren sets a trap.
01:43:32
Speaker
I mean, you can call it a trap. Yep. They're all they're right. And he's like, you guys keep running. I'm going to knock over these barrels of mystery liquid and shoot them with my shotgun. And luckily for him holding the shotgun, dude, it's got a grip. It had a grip for it. But like OK, two handed shotgun. Right. You got your your predominant hand on the trigger. Right. yeah and then your offhand is under where you do the pumping. His is over. And the only thing I can think of is this is this is a pistol grip with no butt. Right. So he's got no stock. So you can't put it up to your shoulder. So this might be quicker to bring up to hip fire.
01:44:09
Speaker
I don't know if this feels so natural to me. Everyone can see me doing the under this is fucking weird But he it does have a grip and he is able to cock it and whatnot But I don't know. I think it's something that somebody specialty made for him somebody thought like jack kane yeah yeah a Is that Marco Kain's fucking brother?
01:44:28
Speaker
It's his nephew. Jack Kine. That's when I get a bit coked up and have a wank, isn't it? Yep. When I get a bit coked up and flap my dick around because it doesn't work. I wish I could get hard, but I can't, so I keep tugging it. It's like a taffy pole down there. Yeah, it starts to bleed.
Action Movie Scenes and Blood Lube Joke
01:44:42
Speaker
It's okay. but No, it's not. What? No, it's not. It's definitely not okay. I use the blood as lube. We shouldn't have children listening. didn't I didn't warm up for my Michael K.
01:44:51
Speaker
My cocaine. I use the blood as lube. We don't have children listening, I hope, but don't it's not okay to believe when you masturbate. is Or use blood as lube. You know what they say? One man's blood and one man's lube? Ew. That's what I said. I grossed myself out.
01:45:09
Speaker
So Christopher Lambert grabs Diane, throws Smith off this fucking causeway, and he crushes this car. I'm like, well, that little tiny man is dead. You're dead. And he's bleeding out of his ears and shit, but it yeah turns out he's okay, because movie. Are you okay? What? I literally don't know if you're asking me if I'm okay. Am I all gay? No. Ask my ex-wife. Only a little.
01:45:32
Speaker
I'm not all gay, I'm bi-curious. It depends on how much I've had to drink. I was showering once with a dude and I saw his penis and I thought, that's not bad. I am a power tap. ah ah I'm a power bottom, weirder flex. Being not gay and being a power bottom, that's not okay. Why not? You don't like getting pegged? Well, it's not you. yeah But i did the pan anyway, anyway, save that for a fucking podcast at when he's going to start power bottoms with Whitney. That's straight power bottoms power chat. So Dolph Lundgren is kind of teasing.
01:46:13
Speaker
the alien, which is not a good idea. how to be tea why is he a drug i really like He's taking vials of this drug. I think it's called Balfrey or something. I don't remember. Oh, they did say, yeah, the Malfoy, Isaac Draco Malfoy. Yeah. he so He takes a vial of Draco Malfoy, toss it on the ground and breaks it. Oh, this dude gets pissed. He hugs Diane to the side, which is kind of what he wanted. Right. Yeah. As long as He takes another one and crushes it, and he goes running away. So this guy chases him like Frankenstein. He ends up shooting at Dolph because Dolph goes hiding. He shoots him with ah one of his discs, ah and it goes bouncing around, and it finds him, but Dolph had taken a speaker out of his car. That clever girl. girl
01:46:58
Speaker
And so he's like, he listens. I find it very funny at this moment because this intense action scene, he shoots the thing, he stops and listens and doesn't hear the Dolph movie anymore. And he just kind of smiles. He's like, Oh, he's dead. yeah I've got him. I can tell because the CD didn't come back to me. That was my original Linkin Park, the original pressing of that one.
01:47:18
Speaker
Next loaded up is three dollar bill. It's like Shaun of the Dead. Yeah. shot a I like it. He just loads it up with this is the Smash Mouth second album. Astro Lounge. The Batman soundtrack. Definitely not.
01:47:35
Speaker
Oh, kiss from a rose from a grave or grail, whatever. I didn't listen. But Dolph does come back out. And at some point during this fight, he did now that's what I call music three. He did see that a jagged, rusty pipe sticking out of something. So, you know, he's thinking about that. ah He comes back out. um Christopher Lambert shoots him with his scorpion harpoon, but Dolph catches it.
01:48:01
Speaker
Now I understand what they're going for and it's fine, but this is my least favorite part of the movie. I actually very much enjoyed it, but not because of the way they wanted me to. It goes too long. I enjoyed it because it's literally a giant six foot five actor with a fucking piece of rope and he's pretending to fight with it like it's a snake. Yeah. Yeah. It goes on way too long for sure. For sure. But it's almost a family guy joke.
01:48:25
Speaker
and just keeps going there. Thank you. But there's some there's some ah Sam Raimi kind of thing going on here, too, because when that when Lambaire pulls the harpoon back in and starts pulling Dolph Lundgren toward him, it's like the camera moving right in his face sped up kind of thing. And he shot right here. Evil Dead vibes. Yeah.
01:48:43
Speaker
Um, I do like the part this part coming up, though. I mean, he's still fighting with the stupid thing. He's going right up at face and face to face now, but he's still got the doodad in his face. And the guy says, I win. He's like, fuck you, spaceman. Only sad. The fucking neck, which is pretty cool. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Fuck you, spaceman. Not a great one liner, but delivered by Dolph Lundgren.
01:49:08
Speaker
um I just, i I wish they would have played a little bit with this guy being so fucked up off heroin now. I don't even feel like chasing you. I kind of just want to write like a really weird ominous dark ballad, you know? ah what about like yeah familiar face I want to write a poem about like a raven who talks about how like nothing happens anymore. She's my butterfly and I'm her flower. And butterflies always come back to flowers. she Her dog, she's the size of that cock-a-doodle goddamn do.
01:49:38
Speaker
Young guns and they take opium. When you were talking about the flower, you sounded an awful lot like Nick Cage. Yeah, you did. Oh, it's Kiefer Sutherland fucked up, and the Amadeus is always like, that's it, she's my butterfly, and I'm her flower. I guess, you know what, I've always got Cage in the brain. You say I'm her flower, and all I hear is, I could eat a peach for hours. Hours, I could eat a peach for hours. I'm so fucked up on heroin, but guess what, I was already cool.
01:50:01
Speaker
We just watched vampires kiss, by the way. Oh, yeah. That is some that's like Cage's first cage cage. Yeah. He's really figures. He's figuring out why he works. Yeah. Yeah. He is. Fucking rails in that one. It's going to be an episode. I watched Valley Girl not too long ago and a very good movie. No complaints about it. But he's he's he's kind of getting there. Yeah, he's not quite. on Yeah. yeah you you You got your thumb on it, but you're not was Valley. Valley Girl was before Peggy Sue, correct? Yes.
01:50:30
Speaker
So he still hasn't found it yet. Peggy Sue. He's still like trying. He's getting there. was No weird accent going on. the dads do peggy so Nothing's a better accent than when he did. He fucking spent months in the South in I want to say Alabama to get that accent right for Con Air. And it is God help him. I love him to death. It's a terrible put the bunny back in the box. Um, can I come over and we watch Con Air on Friday or do you have plans? I don't know where we're watching, but we can watch Con Air any time. So after he stabs him in the neck, he fucking... ah believe I believe that was probably his pudged pie. He horse kicks him and he falls into this fucking pipe and it just impales him. Doesn't kill him though. He's just screaming. oh And he does it he looks right at fucking... Oh, he spikes the camera. And he's like, numerous I come in peace. You go in pieces, asshole. Yeah.
01:51:24
Speaker
This is the line I went- Vern said this line when he recorded ah the previous episode, Song in the South, and I was waiting for it. I kinda knew it was gonna be the end, but fuck man, it delivered. Yeah, it's good.
01:51:37
Speaker
Big fucking bada boom. Lots lot of bada booms in this part. And I'm pretty sure it takes out this whole warehouse. And there's cream cheese all over the town. It's burnt cream cheese. Well, he doesn't have time to explode into cream cheese because he just incinerated immediately. Well, it's no longer white, so does it still bother you? I hope it's a bagel factory around. It's no longer a white, creamy substance. So it does burn cream cheese. It's no brown. No.
01:52:03
Speaker
No, because I feel like that's one step closer to you getting me cream cheese and putting food coloring in it and me still not liking it. I would never do that. Cream cheese is okay. It just needs to be with cheesecake and I have to have coffee.
01:52:14
Speaker
Fair enough. I will not eat cheesecake without coffee. Cream cheese is okay. It just needs sugar and other cheese. Yeah. But your coffee needs to be nothing. Black. Like your soul. Black is night. I like these memes where people are like, they're just trying to trick you into thinking you like black coffee. It's disgusting. I'm like, not even close to true. When it's good coffee, even I can drink coffee black. So there's a little wrap up scene where it's not like six months later or anything. They're walking away from the building and Diane's like, can we just go on fucking vacation now? And he's like, yeah, sure. She's like, where were you thinking? He's like, I was thinking maybe Rio. No, no, no, no. And then freeze frame. End of movie. Freeze frame. Freeze frame. Let's go see Marco Kain down in Rio. I don't know why he's Michael Kain too.
01:53:00
Speaker
I heard he's fucking his niece. I heard there's a bunch of hot chicks down there that are kind of of age for that country they are. They're of age there. It's legal in Rio. Michael Kine, out. And that's the end of the movie. So we'll go around the horn for recommendations, wife.
01:53:17
Speaker
I definitely do recommend this. I was I was actually kind of worried about this because like a Cherry 2000 thing or maybe you weren't in the right mood for it and you just it didn't land. This is also my third time seeing this movie. Oh, shit. It's only a second. Nope, it's my third. Weird flex. This is my second. So I swear to God you watch this. OK, whatever. This is my second time i' seeing this now. OK. Well, it's my third because I watched Stone Cold.
01:53:39
Speaker
Um, it is kind of just stone cold with less bikers more aliens and worse casting like not sorry. I'm not trying to bring it down, but it's one off cash. Yeah. So you wanted this and you got that. You want this? you got I want this to be Linda Hamilton. The only one they got was Dolph Lundgren. Well, dude, seven million dollar budget if Bill Forsyth was an alien. I'm going with Bill because that's the last time we saw Billium. Yeah, we are now calling him Billium.
01:54:05
Speaker
If he was an alien, does this go up in stars? Oh, yeah. Oh, you wouldn't talk much because the aliens don't talk much. I come in peace. Fuck you, pig. Oh, that's all I need to. Yeah. But yes, but know I do. I do give this recommend. Obviously, you do need my co-host, Jacqueline's caveats.
01:54:26
Speaker
That's not his name. That's not my name. Don't feminize me. I'm not comfortable in my sexuality. You're very pretty. Yeah, thanks. Thanks. I'm a gorgeous bearded woman. ah I give it my full recommend. Big bad of booms. I mean, I do like that I watched it with you guys, but I don't think I needed to. I mean, like in the sense of my caveats are going to make the movie maybe more enjoyable, but I could watch this by myself and have a great time.
01:54:53
Speaker
At the time of recording this, this is on Amazon Prime streaming. If you pay for it, that makes it so much easier to recommend. yeah You know that you don't have to spend any money that you don't already spend, mind you. yeah So yeah, dude, full send on that. Yeah, I mean, strong recommend for me. I bought it blind. It's a Shout Factory Blu-ray, which I believe is still available. So if you're so inclined to buy physical media, that's available, I believe.
01:55:16
Speaker
But yeah, it is available on Prime as of as of recording, and it's also available like with ads on 2B and Freebie. Oh, yeah. So it's out there. Ads might be even better because you can take a little fucking break and make a drink. Yeah. Go pee. You know, go pee.
01:55:32
Speaker
Well, and I guess if you have Prime, you're watching it with ads unless you give them the extra $2.99 a month now. Sometimes some of these movies have ads at the beginning. Yeah, that's what I've noticed. Most of the time, it's like three minutes at the beginning. Yeah. Unless it's a brand new show. It's a brand new show. They're going to dice it up for you. Oh, absolutely. There's been many a streaming service where I've been like, I'll pay the extra for no ads. I'm not giving Amazon another three dollars. No. You know why? Fuck you. Part of how you sold me Prime in the first place was that you were like, you also get Prime
Amazon Ads and Podcast Milestones
01:56:00
Speaker
streaming. And now they're like, well, you get it, but like with edge. Yeah. No, fuck you. Damn the man. Save the empire. You can also buy it. Yeah, you can also buy it on Amazon, like digital. It doesn't say it's an HD from what I'm looking at, but you can get it on Apple TV and HD. OK. For almost the same price. OK. Not that it matters, but
01:56:20
Speaker
i'd I'd I'd watch it in HD alone for the this the blowies the explosions oh i love the blowey But I do I do highly recommend it I mean it's insane stunts tons of explosions just all around what we expect from Craig Baxley if yes Watch the three movies the three like big movies that he did this stone cold in action Jackson Yeah, just fucking bonkers shit all three of them are awesome.
01:56:42
Speaker
So the the digital digital media guy says full recommend and the physical media guy says full recommend and the wife, Mary, who's supposed to be the normal person on the podcast, gives a full recommend. Yeah. So, yeah, that's that for that. Three out of three podcasters recommend this fucking movie. man There you go, bitch. um Next week is our 100th episode.
01:57:06
Speaker
100 episodes since December 5th, 2022. I cannot wait and I'll tell my daddy. And we're doing a very important episode. Very big deal for me and Jack, at least. Whitney's probably like, sure. it's I am so fucking excited. Who's our guest?
01:57:24
Speaker
No guests. Oh, it's going to be just us. Okay. Unless you have someone in mind. No, I was going to say bleep because we've watched this movie together and he loves it. I mean, if he wants to come on. I'll ask him. I'll ask bleep if he wants to be on it, but otherwise, us three, I mean, I was going to say it's how it started, but it's not. I mean, that's how it started once it reached full power. A hundred episodes ago. Once it found its final form. Yeah, once it got past 9,000.
01:57:44
Speaker
ah No, I am so excited. This movie is so goddamn fun for me. We're doing hard target You got Jean-Claude Van Damme in a mullet doing a fucking Cajun accent biting the heads off snow Sorry, I'm biting the rattlers off snails. I'm sorry you have yeah have diabetes, diabetes. You got Willie Brim. Talking about the voice that we usually do when he shows up. Talking about a jackrabbit man. migo Go whiskey, make a jackrabbit stand up and smack the bell. Don't du tell you one time. And then you all say John Woo, right? John Woo. I can't help it off. John Woo's American debut. Oh, and God damn it. I almost forgot the bad guy. Lance. Lance Hendrickson and i the mummy. Oh. Oh, Mommy, isn't this? Yes. yes go Give me a visit. Visu. Arnold Visu. Arnold Visu. Arnold Visu. I almost had to look it up, but I'm yeah I'm going to look it up now just to make sure. I'm pretty sure it's correct. But that will be our 100th episode. We've been dancing around it. We've done one Jean-Claude Van Damme movie in the past. We did Lionheart. I wasn't on it. It was Whitney and I with Patrick early on.
01:58:46
Speaker
I believe I recommended it, didn't I? I believe so. It's a fun movie. Oh, Arnold Vazlu. Vazlu. The Cessna Pools. Yeah, the Cessna Pools. I listened to that episode and was like, because it was before I was on the podcast officially, and I'm like, commentating on it the entire time. I'm like, oh, this is so fucking good. I loved it.
01:59:03
Speaker
We might revisit that one at some point, too, because I mean, I love Jean-Claude Van Damme. I think most of those first like 10 or so episodes are prime for revisiting because we didn't know what the fuck we were doing. Well, and we also need Mike from Harbottle back because the episode that he's on, he had a dead mic that you had to get the audio from another mic.
01:59:22
Speaker
Yeah. And so and he deserves better than that. and Yeah, he does. I think I think that one's archived now, too. So OK. Yeah. Also, so he would like would definitely love to come back. And he's totally down to do that. um KFC thing. ah Oh, God a recipe for seduction. Yeah, I believe.
01:59:41
Speaker
We haven't nailed down what we're doing yet, but I think we're going to be doing recipe for selection at some point as like ah some kind of live event yeah at Hard Bottle Brewing. Oh, God. Not necessarily like a live episode. We'll figure out what we're doing. I'm going to work out my Colonel Sanders. I already have ideas for setups and everything. oh You don't have to worry too much about it because Mario Lopez didn't. so I will.
02:00:00
Speaker
Did you watch it? I'll just do Jay White Neck. Your honor, I have a bunch of different herbs and spices I'd like to present to the court. If it pleases the court, try this fried chicken. I would also like to ah just invite you to swim in a bucket of coleslaw.
02:00:18
Speaker
I do want to do one thing because we've had some new patrons join our Patreon recently. By the way, patreon dot.com slash worst people three dollars a month. And I have some news for you about that, but we'll give that a second. Let me thank the people who have been our patrons thus far.
02:00:34
Speaker
So our first very first ever patron who signed up at the very beginning is Chris with a K. thanks chris yeah and then we have jamie and ryan we have i'm i mean all for everybody do it do i read i mean i know who this is the screen name is just w h all right well thank you w oh i say wait hold on william h macy And then we also have McBird. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Oh, McBird. McBird. It's like a fucking, it's like an Irish fucking toucan. It tooky, tooky. Boy, call motherfucker. Can you hear me fucking crowing? We have Tanker Tom. Tanker Tom, I know from Beer House, he comes in. Thank you, Tanker Tom. He probably comes to Harbaugh as well. Yeah, good fucking dude. We have Daniel D.
02:01:23
Speaker
I double D. That's my boy. I love your boy. OK. Yeah. And then thanks double D. And we have Tyler L. Oh, that's fucking Brandon's brother, the episode Mario Brothers to have ah Brandon on there. And I want to invite Tyler to be on this podcast for something. He's a fucking hoot. So, Tyler, you are now officially formally invited. So those are all of our our current patrons. We thank everybody for ah supporting us golf club.
02:01:52
Speaker
I want to do it now because next episode is 100 and I feel like we're going to go a lot. So I just throw it into this one. There is a chance that we have a three hour episode with me talking about Jean-Claude Van Damme and Lance Hendrickson. That's your boyfriend and your boyfriend. But yes, don't forget to check out the Patreon. You get bonus content. There's a bunch of episodes up there already. Plus you get hand took shots first early and we have more stuff that we've been thinking about. So just if you sign up, that helps to support us. It helps us feel like people give a shit. And it also helps us to create more content for you. So it's a whole circle thing. It's a circle of life. It's only three bucks. Yeah. I don't know if we can do that. It's okay. Elton John did it. No, not that part. But it's also only $3 a month. Hold on real quick though. You say only $3 a month, which is true, but also thank you for spending that $3 a month. Yes.
02:02:46
Speaker
And also, if you use iOS devices, this is something I'm going to have to mention for the next little while. Apple has decided that you can't sign up for Patreon through the app on iOS without paying them their their charge up to 30 percent. Yes, up to 30 percent more. So before something probably, which still isn't crazy, but you're just giving that extra money to Apple. So you can sign up on anybody else's like any other computer or even an Apple computer. You're not as long as you're not using the app store.
02:03:15
Speaker
You can go on any web browser on your your own computer, your friend's computer. You could go on your friend's fucking Samsung phone if they'll let you or if they don't and you know their password. Craig, if I'm not wrong, once you do that, you can listen on iOS. Oh, yes. OK, you can listen on your iOS app all you want. But when you sign up, sign up through a web browser if you are an Apple user because they're trying to rip you off.
02:03:35
Speaker
Save some fucking money. yeah I know it's not like a whole bunch, but fuck it. Yeah, seriously. Don't forget.
Fan Engagement and Quirky Sign-Off
02:03:40
Speaker
Send us an email. As we mentioned at the end of the episode, bad movies, worse people at Gmail dot com. We'll read it. We'll talk about it. Maybe we'll make fun of you. Who knows? Make fun of us. I don't care. Yeah. Well, that's what I mean. You make fun of me. I'm making fun of you. I like abuse. I like abuse just like the next woman. I will fucking fill your lungs with water. Thank you to evasion for providing our opening and closing music. I have been Derek. I'm still Whitney.
02:04:03
Speaker
I'm always Jack. Go in pieces, asshole.
02:04:36
Speaker
It is not too late for an abortion. Might just be called murder now.