Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Ep 85: Captain America II: Death Too Soon (DirkA Classic Movies)
54 Plays5 months ago
Directed by Ivan Nagy and starring Reb Brown, Christopher Lee and Katherine Justice. This iteration of Captain America, made for TV in 1979, is a van-dwelling artist who travels from town to town while also battling purse snatchers, muggers and the occasional freelance revolutionary terrorist. Christopher Lee, playing General Miguel, kidnaps a scientist to force him to make a serum that will cause people to age incredibly rapidly in order to hold the US hostage in exchange for $1,000,000,000! That's over $4 billion today... yikes. Cap fights some thugs, some dogs and hang glides his way into the history books in this flick, the second one produced in the same year!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Bad Movies. Worst People.'
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to our superhero spectacular. I can't do it when I want to do it. I can't do it ever. So spectacular matter. I'm Derek. I'm my person. I'm Jack. And this is Bad Movies. Worst People.
Reviewing the 1979 Captain America Movie
00:00:41
Speaker
This might be the dumbest thing we've ever watched. I say this every now and then, but I think I really mean it. It's almost once a month whenever we do these DERKA classic movies. It's like a period. I would take my period over this. Last month, DERKA classic was Willy Wonka. So you've now spoiled us. This is true. That was amazing. And we're back to what? Didn't we do that one? We are back to Captain America 2 colon death too soon. from 1979. Yes. Made for TV. Made for television. What were you saying?
00:01:16
Speaker
Uh, we did do that one older movie with the watch out or else we'll get mad. Oh, look out. We're mad or something. One of them there. That one wasn't terrible. It wasn't terrible. The tingler was fun. Tingler. I mean, this is this is so bad. It almost made me miss wild angels like this could have done with some Nazis. And now I know we're talking about Captain America and there's nary one Nazi. There is nary a war. There's barely a fight. yeah and He's had a gun, okay? You know what, though? There's two things in this movie I love. A dope-ass van and a guy painting a cat while the cat's sitting there posing for that painting. Didn't know you needed it until you got it, yeah right? Oh, yeah. I never thought that was something I needed to see on screen. It's like, huh.
00:02:00
Speaker
ah My last movie also has Christopher Lee. Sure, but not enough. At one point, we have Christopher Lee playing Miguel, the terrorist, driving away in a station
Christopher Lee's Role and Movie Selection
00:02:10
Speaker
wagon. Like, tell me your movie is just lackluster. The Griswold station wagon. It's a family truckster. And I do want to say, I mentioned last week that this week we'd be doing Captain America from 1979, but it was a last minute decision to switch to Captain America to death too soon. So glad we did that. The reason we did it though, was mostly for Christopher Lee. Yes. But also because it was shorter. By what, seven minutes? Uh, no, 14 minutes. 14 minutes shorter and double that. It features Christopher Lee. But what's funny is we start this movie with the last movie. It showed us four minutes of the last movie. It's like, well, good. We're caught up. Yeah, I read. I read a Wikipedia entry for my fellow hosts here so they could get caught up on his origin and whatnot. And then we played the movie and it was what I just read, but faster than I read it with visuals. And he says his origin because we know that like, I mean, I've read the comics. I know you've at least seen the movies, Whitney.
00:03:08
Speaker
Yes, so I mean you you know his origins what they're supposed to be and I guess this shit I guess one of the writers or somebody involved with it said that there was a script that involved Captain America World War two getting frozen all that stuff and basically they were just like No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have him in a van with a cat and he's a traveling artist from California that draws people. So the 70s were just really bad at making comic book movies because look what happened with Doctor Strange.
Superhero Qualities: Captain America vs. Batman
00:03:39
Speaker
80s were too. I mean, we didn't get a good com comic book movie until I think the X-Men really. Well, no, Superman won. It was like Batman. and Batman's pretty solid. Yeah. Batman's not a superhero though.
00:03:51
Speaker
He's I mean, he is what's a superpower besides being rich. Yeah, that's a superpower. It is not. It's a super burden. Do not live in America. Iron Man is super rich and he built himself that costume. Yeah, that's true. His superpower is more intelligence and being an epo baby. But this Captain America also is not a superhero. This is a guy in a motorcycle costume who's a little stronger than everybody else and occasionally rides a motorcycle. Mm hmm. Oh, that has a jet engine and a hang glider. So he's more of a Batman, really. He is. He's a blonde hair, blue eyed Batman. It's funny he's fighting so many Nazis when you look blonde hair, blue eyed. Well, I think that was um if I'm remembering right, unless it's just something I read, but I think it's a thing. That was kind of the point of Captain America was like, he is the Nazi wet dream look. However, but it's a wet dream you rolled over into and got all sticky. Yeah, I mean, there he punches Hitler in the face in those comics in the old school
Director Ivan Nagy's Career
00:04:53
Speaker
ones. So this one was directed by someone named Ivan Nagy. I don't know. N A G Y. Yeah. And this guy directed a couple of TV shows, a couple of episodes of chips, some Starsky and Hutch, some other stuff. And then it seems like shortly after this, like early 90s, he just started directing porn. Good man. Wow. I'm sorry. I just had a thought about the theme song and I'll wait till we get there.
00:05:14
Speaker
I know what it's missing. We'll talk about the theme song now. Okay. The theme song is missing. Oh yeah. That's what, that's what I always add to the big drums. Yeah. The boom, boom. It's missing a lot. You're not wrong there. So with the theme song was Mike Post, whose name I caught right off the bat because he is the genius responsible for the masterpiece known as Renegade intro. That was just the music. Just the intro. I thought you were about to say he's behind Renegade. No, no, but there's somebody that does all the... They have like five people that do the score, but his is a theme song.
70s Superhero Movie Landscape
00:05:54
Speaker
Okay. Well, in this, and it speaks to what Whitney was saying about the Doctor Strange movie, in the 70s, superhero movies were exclusively made for TV.
00:06:03
Speaker
Yeah. So you're not going to get comics aren't popular by by today's standards. and No, they're hoping to get something that like the kids will sit in front of the TV and watch and their parents will be able to tolerate it. Yeah, you know. And I mean, this didn't do poorly on TV, apparently. Like so there was the first one and Nielsen loved it. There was the first one that came out in 1979 and this one that also came out in 1979. And apparently it was supposed to launch a series that didn't happen just like Doctor Strange and a lot of other things. But it wasn't because of ratings. It was because of the time. So this came out on CBS.
00:06:37
Speaker
And CBS also had Spider-Man series, the Hulk series, the Hulk series that we all know, and the Wonder Woman series. Yes. And they didn't want to be negatively associated with, like, the comic book channel. So they canceled everything. You'd be fucking doing well now if that's what you were associated with. but they canceled everything except for the Hulk. So it wasn't it didn't get canceled because it did poorly. People liked it, apparently. That was just a ah misjudgment on the studio's part, it sounds like. Yeah. I mean, because you know i've maybe it was just like, well, kids are watching it, but they aren't buying anything. If you're not selling toys, it doesn't matter because that's what all these properties ended up becoming.
00:07:12
Speaker
was how many toys can we sell? And the the guy that plays Captain America is an actor named, well, actor, hard quotes. Yeah, you're really throwing that A word out there. Look, he he's performing a role on camera. He's technically an actor. His paycheck says he's an actor. His performance. That's how he filed one of his W-2s. Does his paycheck actually say he's an actor or is he just getting paid to be in front of a camera? I think it says actor. I
Reb Brown's Career and Physical Appearance
00:07:35
Speaker
mean, one of his W-2s says actor, but he's got to have he has more than one because he's not making any money off this. ah But he's a guy named Reb Brown, who was in some other movies. I was surprised to see. So he was he was the titular you're in the movie. You're while are nobody has i'm talking about what the fuck is he actually terrible, terrible 80s low budget thing. That's really fun to watch, like a sort and sorcery kind of thing.
00:07:59
Speaker
ah But he was also in The Sword and the Sorcerer. He was in Flight of the Intruder. Did you just use a movie as an example? No, no. So it's like sword and sandals or sword and sorcery is like the genre of like, like, uh, there's another name. Peploma is another name for like the style of movie like, like Conan or something like that. Sword and sorcery or sword and sandal. He's in a movie a lot like Conan. He's in Conan. He's in Conan too. But there's also a move called a move, a movie called the sword and the sorcerer. Oh man. I want to know what sex move the sword and the sorcerer is. Hey, you got the tall hat tonight?
00:08:37
Speaker
Look, all you need to know is- Hey, Baron, you're short on my stone. It involves a ladder, a bucket of ah bucket of pudding. Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God he said pudding. I couldn't get the word pudding out. It involves a ladder, a bucket of pudding, and various viewers. in the audience. That's all you need know some who's y haar to Me? Whoever's jumping into the pudding. Huzzah! Or whoever's in the pudding when it gets jumped into. Someone's already in there? Yeah. Oh wow. That's part of it. Obviously you've never played sword in the ladder before. Whatever the fuck you said. off No.
00:09:17
Speaker
Anyway, he was also an uncommon valor with Chuck Norris and oh good old checking his most known role was the movie Space Mutiny, which I have seen, but it's been a long time. and Another really he's he was in a lot of terrible 80s. I love that you said his most known movie as another movie yet. I have never heard of. Yeah. I mean, he said that he was in Flight of the Intruder, because we we we talked about that the other day. And I don't know who he is in that movie. He was, like so I said, he's a small part. He was Airbus. So he's just a guy yelling at someone. Well, what's funny is everybody in that movie has a nickname, too. So um I would say don't touch that dial for life. We may not cover it, but we are going to watch it.
00:09:55
Speaker
Oh, OK. Yeah. It's the one Jack was texting us about. It has ah Brad Johnson, Tucson's sweetheart. Yeah. Because what was it? It was Willem Dafoe. Yeah. Brad Johnson, Willem Dafoe, Danny Glover, Danny Glover. Oh, the cover. The cover was Danny Glover and Willem Dafoe. And then Brad and like right in the middle was Brad Johnson. And I was like, kind of a Brad Johnson. He's kind of a poor man, Tom Barringer. But then Jack told me he was from Tucson, and I'd read up his IMDB profile, and he was a... Rodeo clown turned model turned Marlboro man turned actor. Tucson as fuck. Yes. Rest in pictures, buddy. Yeah, just died this February. Just got to know him. But he's not in this movie. This happened so often. I have a fun story about Reb Brown. Similar kind of history. He was born in California, but he was a former sheriff. He was Marlboro man. He was the kale guy.
00:10:48
Speaker
He was the avocado man, the avocado ombre. yeah yeah so ah He was a
Captain America's Origin and Equipment
00:10:56
Speaker
sheriff. He was a professional boxer with a 14 in one record. Oh, damn. He's a black belt in karate and a purple belt in jujitsu. And he was a star running back or starting running back at USC. And he was pushed out of his starting role by none other than Mr. OJ Simpson. Oh, man, he killed that job. a So he's been stabbing people in the back for a long time.
00:11:21
Speaker
Yeah. he's just Oh, and it's a blonde his type. Oh, but yes. So we start with previously on Captain America, which makes sense. But being a TV movie makes more sense than like when we did Friday the 13th, part seven. Yeah. That was like eight minutes of all the movies combined. Like, well, thank God. And literally had absolutely nothing to do with the movie. Yeah, exactly. It had to get you up to date on why Jason was in the lake. Did it, even? Did it? I don't think it did. Yeah, it showed how he got, because the guy put a rock on a chain and put the chain on his leg. No, no, he's not wrong there, but I think maybe I'm, maybe i'm it's just me, but it's also the fact that nothing else it showed mattered. No. You only need to show him getting in the lake. Everything else is like, here's him killing a kid in a wheelchair. Here's somebody having in a lightning bolt strike a crowbar and stuck up his ass. Like none of this matters. Well, Corey Feldman got credited, so he made a paycheck on another movie. Good, you know what? I'm back on top. Good for you, Corey. Good for you. of the I forgot what I said it stood for already. Something. Layton. Layton
Plot and Character Critiques
00:12:40
Speaker
aptitude. Games. Farting Layton aptitude games. It doesn't matter. He says. Fucking lazy ass gingers. But it was it was his DNA that made the serum. And so they wanted to test it on his son. He's the only one that could test it for him. And he said no fucking way. And then he leaves and gets in a van accident and his van flies off a cliff. But it's back later.
00:13:04
Speaker
Well, they have the technology to rebuild it. Yeah, it's a $6 million dollars van. When he started up, it's like... So, wait, we didn't see the first one, but let's let's guess real quick. Was it a bad guy trying to kill him or was it the American government well that's like, hey, he said he's not going to take our little test, kill him? The the things that the thing, the little clip said, the words for the movie said ah he got these powers and so he's going after the people who tried to kill him. But who is the government? Was it the government or was it like it didn't say it? They said bad guys, bad guys. America is the bad guys in a lot of stuff. Yeah, but it's 1979 TV. Oh, America is a good guy. Yeah. We're still real about Vietnam. Anyway, he drives his van off the wall. They give him the serum and now he's captain America. He has a rocket, his van down into the river. He has a rocket motorcycle. Yep. No, sorry. It has jets for when he's driving and rockets for when he's flying. Rocket, how does it leave the van? Rocket assisted exit. Yes. yeah And then jet for when you're accelerating. And by the time I thought about checking, he only left the van one more time so I couldn't compare. But I think it's the same shot of him leaving the van every time. I bet you it is. You get a killer shot like that, man. Don't take two. They have three cameras on it. This is made for TV. Different angles. Wrap it up.
00:14:27
Speaker
And he gets his his suit and all that stuff. And that's pretty much what they show, which is all that matters. Then we get another four minutes of him just driving up the coast, which is apparently also an exact shot from the first movie. i don't want I don't want to size shame anybody, but if you are going to wear something this skin tight and not have a bulge, maybe a codpiece, an athletic supporter of sorts, some sort of jock strap. It was a bottle cap over a baseball. It's the exact opposite of the labyrinth. It's a crotch I didn't want to see.
00:14:59
Speaker
And again, not size shaming. No, I'm not size shaming. I'm just saying. like it Maybe he's a grower, not a shower. Sure. And if I was on camera as a grower, not a shower, I'd be like, can I get to a fake penis? Yeah. Can I go get a sock? Can I get a cucumber? Where's my Captain America sock? Stunt sock. Can I get Willem Dafoe, please? I want Willem Dafoe just for the close-ups. Go ahead, Peter. That's what he calls his dick, by the way. I was worried because the little kid in this movie's name is Peter. Oh, no, no. Scratch that. Go for it. Go for it, Peter. Go ahead, Peter. Have a seat. Have a seat. He would just stare at Chris's hands like, yes. I'm something of a grower myself, Peter.
00:15:42
Speaker
Are you a grower or a shower? Well, once I grow, I show a little bit of both. Starts big, gets bigger. Oh, Willem Dafoe. He should have been Red Skull in this movie. No one is Red Skull in this movie. No, there's no real anything. The only thing from Captain America comics that I could pinpoint, unless there was some random 70s shit, is Captain America himself. Yeah. Yeah. yeah The bike is is not from any comic book I've ever read. But it has a detachable shield that is his shield. Then again, Thanos had a helicopter in the early comics, so it's awesome. Most of these superheroes have had a motorcycle at some point in history. His shield might be my least favorite thing that you chose to to redo. Yeah. It's clear, flimsy plastic.
00:16:28
Speaker
And it changes sizes. it it's Does it? Yeah, depending on if it's on the motorcycle or he's using it to block certain things, there's like different size ones. You see how little I cared? and I didn't even fucking notice. Not on purpose, obviously. They just had like different prop ones. They're like, now you're using this one. Some were more um umbrella shaped and some were more flat. Do we ever see him take it off of the motorcycle? and We see him put it on. OK. When he's escaping the prison at the end, god he puts it on the motor. Well, you see him sliding it to the front of the motorcycle and then when the motorcycle is pulling out, it's attached. So no, we don't actually see it go on. So I'm wondering if there's like just leave this one on and you take that one for you. Yeah, it's fine.
00:17:08
Speaker
Probably but that starts with him at Venice Beach painting this old lady and there's a right out of the gate There's an extra alert because Danny Masterson is in this movie, apparently There's no way it could be but the entire look of Hyde sideburns the fucking glasses everything He does have a mustache which I didn't get to later I think the beard but yeah once he was old enough to be a pedophile have fun skating off into prison. Yeah Yeah, this guy's rollerskating his way to fulsome. He's going back. Well, I hear that trainer coming. They're coming for my back end. At least I hope so, buddy. But yeah, he's painting this little lady and she's basically like, this guy's playing football and comes close to her and she almost freaks out and she's like, or Frisbee. Frisbee, yeah. Yeah, Frisbee, it's the 70s. But it's coming in from behind her. How does she see him? because script and here's footsteps dude and she's just like i thought it was one of those muggers and he's like what do you mean muggers and it's like well old people aren't safe around here they steal our pension checks
Diversity in the Film's Casting
00:18:10
Speaker
and so he's like hey you want to be bait and send this lady off do me a favor have you cast your pension check no do me a favor like grabs her face go cash it right now Okay. Like, at least be a gentleman. Like, I'll walk you there. You know, yada yada. Also, pick a store that's not this shady liquor store that literally has a motorcycle gang sitting outside of it. Here's how you know you don't want to go in. Maybe that was the only place that she could cash it out.
00:18:37
Speaker
It's like a Wal-Mart greeter, but they're all from the Pee-Wee Herman biker bar. I will say credit to this movie. It's a white biker gang that's mugging this old lady. This is 1979 Street Crime. You say credit to and I think they just didn't want to get any people of color in this movie. There were all kinds of people of color in the movie. Yeah, there was some working at the docks. There was a scientist. There was a lot of extras in Portland. Remember the croc, the croc, the croch, the moose knuckle? Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't. How can I forget? No wonder we fucking focus on that guy's dick. All these shots are just dick. They're dick high. They're at that level. Where do you want me to shoot at? Dick high. Just hold it down here and watch it. That's why Richard Nixon never had a high school named after him. I go to dick high. Is that why? Is that why he never had a high school named after him? That's the only reason. Also, I bet you there's a Richard Nixon school somewhere in his fucking hometown. Richard Nixon School of Finance. Richard Nixon School of Diplomacy. Oh, man. Welcome to Richard Nixon Nomech. I am not a cook. That's a stupid joke. That's a good one. I laughed. Good. Because you're as dumb as I am. We did all just watch the same movie, so possibly. We're all dumbed out.
Humorous Discussions and Comparisons
00:19:54
Speaker
I feel like I just lived idiocracy. Get out of here. I'm baiting. We really, we already are living idiocracy.
00:20:01
Speaker
But the this guy, by the way, this Reb Brown, which is a dumb name. It is. It's a short for Rebecca. Rebo. OK. Rebo. Pretty sure it's Rebo. Rebo. Rebo. He's Rebo Brown, his brother, his cousin is Rebo Williams. That's not Rebo. That's not Rebo. Anyway, this guy looks like ah ah either like a really buff Steve Gutenberg or a really um sane Gary Busey. Yes, I was just thinking if I be Captain America, that would be great. I'm taking your serum. I can't trust the government, man. They tried to vaccinate me. I don't have it. I only get vaccinated with honey. I'm investing in it. Honey on my toes and on my tongue.
00:20:50
Speaker
Uh, but he chases down the mugger on his super cool Captain America motorcycle. Basically the mugger is running one way and there's a guy coming the other way and a dune buggy and they're trying to hand off the purse and Captain America grabs out of the air. Interceptor. And then he chases down this dune buggy guy on foot. I guess his motorcycle wouldn't work on the beach. So. I wondered that too, because my God, he's a fucking roadster. Yeah. But he gets off and they do that. Like, it's not even good. He's speeding up. It's supposed to be like speeding up the film to show him running faster. But he's running down a populated beach with waves in the background. So everything's just moving a little faster. little I was expecting some yakety yaks behind that one. but bam bang ban and but a ba bam ban give me back here it goes long enough it could have that this is the first I think the first of many way too long a shots and I understand they're trying to hit their quota for commercial breaks and whatnot like they have to hit a certain number right there's so many shots and they're like we get it he's running now this is him running down the beach for three fucking minutes catching up to this dune buggy and that's not an exaggeration guys it's three minutes of him running It's like, okay, we get it. He's running fast. We get it. He's catching up. And it's confusing because this one makes sense as made for TV, 83 minutes. You put in some commercials. I don't know. It was the seventies. Maybe you're only getting 90 minutes, but the other one was 97 minutes. So I'm like, what are you making that two hours? Yep. Everything's in a half hour block.
00:22:17
Speaker
And then, so does that mean that this one, they just added 14 more minutes worth of commercials and it's still two hours? Yeah. Well, only an hour and a half is only seven minutes of commercials. I don't know. That's not enough Marlboro commercials. Uh-uh. You gotta sell camels like that. Cereal. Cereal. Yeah, it's cereal commercials. Cereal commercials. Cereal. Cereal figas. Maybe he throws the shield to do the Captain America bounce thing, but it doesn't bounce. Dude, he is closer than I am to you right now, which is a small poker table distance away. Just hit him with it, but he's got to do this like, haha, I missed. It's going forward. It's great, because he throws it, and it comes back around like a boomerang, but it looks like a UFO from a 50s movie. It does. Which we haven't got to any of those for this yet, but we'll get there.
00:23:07
Speaker
Wait, it's like you can see that it's on a string because it's like swinging back and forth as it's going down. But then when it hits the guy, it hits him from the front. So I don't understand. I don't have a magical JF cable. There was a second. Shieldman on the grassy hole. And then during this whole thing, too, ah all the action scenes, except the last one where we could have used it, the music has this like so everything's like this almost a team as like space that's the Indiana Jones. I can't think of a but ah Yeah. but but and and nomin and and There we go. But it's missing my notes in a different. Yeah. But this has. and and But it's more like.
00:23:50
Speaker
you through It is almost the worst thing you're going to hear until the end of the movie. They take it away i' and put in something even lack more lustre. And you're left saying, can I have those? You made me miss the abuse. I never thought I would, but you've done it. I didn't at first. It's the only thing in this movie I could grab onto. Yeah. Yeah, you're not wrong. Besides this guy's forearm. Because it's crotchy. You're going to get a hold of the hair. I don't know. He had some big balls. like a s servedf Well, that's just but it's an optical illusion. Isn't it? Yeah, small dig giant balls. That's how it works. Yeah, I guess. That's why my taint looks so big.
00:24:31
Speaker
It's like the Grand Canyon down there. You ever just put a mirror on the ground and and just kind of straddle it? Yes. That's how you see right into Pandora's box. That's what I call it. Clack, clack, clack, clack. Every time I go out on a date, I check myself in the dick mirror first. I put the mirror on the ground.
00:24:53
Speaker
And I start washing windows, you know, i put it a shirt and I throw it to my legs and I go, ra for prepar for prepar but watch windows make sure there's no fuzzies in there. or poop I got no poop. I got a bunch of lint. It brings up more questions than anything. I'm saving this lens. I call my butthole government can't tax my lint. Um yeah, this movie would have been better with Gabe you see huh? Yes, and this is long before motorcycle accident because it's already ridiculous movie like lean into it You know get somebody hammy cuz this guy not only can he not act. He's just got no real charm I think you said it dude. He's blonde. He's buff. Yeah, so that little kid acted better than he did yeah absolutely little pH her and I wanted to hit that kid well because he's a kid He annoyed me yeah wants to hit all he was all like
00:25:43
Speaker
Look my sheep my pet sheep. That was a week old is now 38. It's dead. Oh I guess we could just talk about that. Let's I don't want to go step by step for this movie. No, I'm stupid Yeah, I don't have the time. I'm not doing it again. Christopher Lee is playing fucking leave dude. Christopher Lee is playing Miguel ah the General terrorist general terrorist. He's a general terrorist. Yes, they do keep calling him general Yeah, I don't know what he's a general of well. He said it at the very end He's like a good general knows he can't always win Yeah, but he's what's he a general of the prison?
Christopher Lee's Character and Plot Developments
00:26:14
Speaker
You can't be a general of a prison. Well, generals are for like armies, general terrorists. He was an army. OK, 79. So we still have a little red scare kind of thing. I think he's supposed to be from Cuba. He was a general over in Cuba. Miguel, you know, yeah Christopher Lee could easily be from Cuba. Yeah, I like it at look at him and listen to him. I love how you say it the way I do. ah You say Cuba Cuba.
00:26:39
Speaker
But basically, he's kidnapped a scientist and he's trying to make a formula that makes you age faster. Yeah. So you'll age like a couple of months in a day or something like that. Something like that. They got this idea from watching Big. Ooh, let's do that to everyone. Big got this idea from watching this movie. No, Tom Hanks doesn't steal shit. Move on. Tom Hanks didn't write Big. If you are about to besmirch the good name of America's sweetheart, I'll leave, dude. Tom Hanks didn't write Big. Yes, he did. He lived it. That's a biography. I watched that movie. It's a documentary. That's how he got to Hollywood. That's a real life origin story of how Tom Hanks became an actor. Buzz and buddies. No, big. He was a child that became an actor that became Tom Hanks. End of story. Move on. What is it? Precious story? No.
00:27:29
Speaker
The song um on big where he's talking on the phone oh yeah memory on the corner of my mind like a faded picture um He's trying to get make everybody old that's the point and They're in California or northern California border poor last or oregon right Yeah, I just love it's like they're definitely in California But then they're definitely in Oregon and it's like well Portland is as far north as you can go in Oregon It's not anywhere near California. I mean, I'm betting you that he Number one's gotta be all California. Oh, so like the whole number two. He just drives up that coast so Yeah, he for number three. He was gonna be like Mount Rushmore.
00:28:08
Speaker
You know that classic Captain America haunt California. You know of all those stories of him fighting surfers. I don't think he was ever in the West Coast Avengers. Get off my wave. But yeah, they're they're doing the the formula and they were going to spray it on everybody and this town is part of it because they're all infected. I don't know. it's we He tested it out on this town and so he is that he gives them weekly antidotes. Okay so this town is a small town of 250 people where they tested it and it was working. So now they are using this town to keep the doctor hostage because if he refuses to do the work they're gonna stop giving the antidote, the weekly, excuse me, the weekly antidote to this town.
00:28:53
Speaker
And Derek pointed out while watching, that is so stupid because you like I hate it, but you have to let this 250 people die. trial So the rest of the country doesn't fucking die. It's the moral trolley train. Yeah, exactly. It's the it's the fucking wrath of con. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, guys. Maybe don't live in a little fucking shithole 250 town people town, you know. Yeah. Cause like, he's like, I can't, I can't not work for him. He'll kill all these people. And it's like, well, they just killed Portland. And yeah, you're about to do a lot worse dude. And you know what, 1979, how much did Christopher Lee want for the billion dollars billion with a B? Yeah. What's that today? Like 18 curgillian. I mean, this is this is their version of saying curgilion in 79 billion. I mean, it's a real number. Well, then once they tell him they're not going to give him the money and he shows that he does have the thing, the virus, then he's like, now it's two billion. Yeah, double. The Earth doesn't even have two billion dollars. It didn't even have two billion people in 79, did it? I don't know. All right. Everyone give one dollar. Everybody on Earth give a dollar to Christopher Lee. He's got his two billion.
00:29:59
Speaker
He's got one point eight billion shit. We're sure so short. All right. One of your rich people give to and Christopher Lee. I'm assuming people know, <unk> especially these days, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. He played Sauron and Lord of the Rings. Sauruman. So what they said, Sauron, Sauron is the wizard. Sauron is the big eyeball creature, man. Oh, that's right. And he played Count Dooku in Star Wars. And if you want to hear more about that, you can check out Han Took Shots First. It's available anywhere you get podcasts. Go check it out, guys. Because then I don't have to sit here and hear them. ah It's funny, Whitney says that, but she's been on one and then she's sat here and heard the other ones recorded. But then I can sit there and like tone out for a few minutes. And she's also watched them all with me. yeah I have. But I like watching them. I just hate hearing Jack talk about them.
00:30:51
Speaker
Hey guys, after this episode, I really kind of want to go out and get a beer. What are you thinking? I mean, okay, look, the thing is I deal with beer so much in my life. I want something else. I'm i'm fine with beer, but I want like a stiff cocktail or a nice glass of whiskey. You know, the music box is just down the way and you can get an awesome cocktail when they even have like tombstone and other great beers on tap. The music box? Where would I find that? Oh, you mean the music box at 6951 East 22nd Street in yeah Tucson, Arizona. Right down there at 22nd and Cove. Yeah, they've got a great selection of whiskey, gin, tequila, mezcal, other spirits. Ooh, sometimes they have like putting shots and jello shots. You're putting me on. And depending on the night of the week, we can get karaoke, live music. It's great. Ooh, unhappy hour. on Oh, it's Wednesday. It's unhappy hour. Yeah. I'm in. You guys are shelling me. Let's go to the music box lounge right now. thats well oh
00:31:45
Speaker
And Miguel's sidekick is this guy that looks like Chris fucking Kataan. Oh my god. I don't have a Chris Kataan impression. I don't know. Me. I'm annoying. You guys want some cookies? Look, everybody thinks I'm funny for some fucking reason. You happy? You? Me? Is it you? Is it me? I can pantomime it. He just starts humping Christopher Lee. See when he's in the the station wagon with Christopher Lee, they're listening to techno and he accidentally breaks the window with his head. What is love? Chris Lee don't hurt me. Chris Lee don't hurt me. No. Yeah. I'm OK with that. But he's played by a guy named Stanley Camel. Question mark. OK. K-A-M-E-L.
00:32:29
Speaker
kamel Kamel. I'm gonna go with Kamel. Yeah, I'm too. Stan Kamel.
Actors and Influences Discussion
00:32:33
Speaker
I recognized him immediately and I looked it up and I was like, oh my God, he's Bruce from Melrose Place. Yes. Oh my God. You guys say that's so fucking common. Like, oh my God, he played Bruce with Melrose. Only you two know that. He's the guy who runs the D and&D advertising firm. Has nothing to do with Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, I was like, this is really setting up to be a stinker of a story. He's a, um, He's the other Locklear's boss and the advertising agency and then whoa He gets cancer and kills himself or something spoilers Wow now in now three Okay, three things I learned he dies he got cancer and he killed himself in that order all related and ah he left a wife and kid Oh God
00:33:21
Speaker
He was also on 90210. So I don't know if that helps or hurts. He come. We haven't heard Derek. It hurts. But he's also in Inland Empire. David Lynch. I don't know what that is. It's a three hour long David Lynch movie. It's his most bizarre. I recently saw a video of David Lynch losing it on a producer on set because the producer was saying the shot was too long. And David Lynch was just like, it'll be as long as it fucking needs to be. It's great. David Lynch is awesome like that. I mean, he makes movies that he wants to make. That's it. Yeah, you know, and he's if you like David Lynch. Yeah, I think he's able to do it now. It's a refreshing thing to have in today's boot licking and it's I'm not blaming anybody that's doing it, but like you have to kiss studio asshole now if you want your movie made. Yeah. Well, that's why when he did Twin Peaks The Return, it was it was played as season three of Twin Peaks on Showtime. But it's really just like an 18 hour movie. Yeah. That's all it is. It's it's it's a one big long movie. They just cut into multiple episodes. But anyway, he's awesome, too. But I'd love to see David Lynch tackle a fucking Captain America movie for no good reason. He was supposed to do Return of the Jedi. Well, George Lucas asked him to do Return of the Jedi. I wouldn't understand it.
00:34:39
Speaker
I think that was, I think he did Dune instead. So imagine if Dune was Return of the Jedi. I mean, aren't they kind of the same anyway? I mean, there's spice in both. There's more spice in both. Titties? Princesses? No, there's no titties in Star Wars. Incest? Yep, kind of. There's no, well... There's no incest in Dune. There's no incest in Dune that I know of. Not with that attitude. There would have been in Ridley Scott's version, but that's another story for another podcast.
00:35:07
Speaker
ah But anyway, so they kidnapped Professor Ilsen to make the formula or something. And then Captain America has to go to the docks, just the docks. Yeah. Yeah. To get some component or to track some component. The world's worst boxes at this docks. do Oh my God. He drives his motorcycle through the stack of wooden crates and they just splinter and go everywhere. And I'm like, well, it's good thing there was nothing in them. At the end of this fight scene, he lifts up the fucking ah forklift. The guy falls out of it, taps the fucking boxes and just his head is in it. Yeah. His head is in a box now. And they're just boxes full of boxes. Their boxes full of cardboard boxes. It's a Dr. Seuss doc.
00:35:48
Speaker
And if you're just shipping cardboard boxes, you know it's a lot more efficient, fold them bitches down. and We ship boxes to you ready to go. You have a terrible business idea. I don't see why. You get full straw and hay with it too. You love boxes but hate putting them together. Do you know how to fold the creases? ah Can you follow simple A to B instructions? do you Probably not. Is this you and it's someone like folding a box and falling to their death i like out of their house and impaling themselves on a fucking lawn ornament? Don't let this be you. Get your boxes put together. Your loved ones will thank you. Oh my God, I really wish that was real. You got a camera? I do. Because I can film this. We're going to start making infomercials. and Bad mercials, worse people.
00:36:42
Speaker
They'll be full of CG effects though. I don't have the money for practical effects. Do you have the money for CG effects? I got a computer. I can figure it out. Oh, but we had to look a lot like a Shark Exorcist. Oh, I know you like to get wet.
Critiquing the Film's Logic and Dialogue
00:36:58
Speaker
I do. Oh, but anyway, something, something. he he get He finds this stuff that looks like heroin, but I guess it's just a chemical for making stuff. So he shoves it in his balls and then he throws it over a building. This is the best cocaine delivery ever, dude. This chick pulls up in a convertible Trans Am, sits there, checks her watch, bag of fucking heroin or co comes landing in the front seat because he yelled shotgun yeah and she pulls out, dude.
00:37:22
Speaker
This bag, it was like a, was it a gallon baggie? This would be the court. The court baggie? If I had to guess. But it was full. Yeah. Oh yeah. A flower. Brown. Was it brown? Wheat flower. That's why I was saying heroin, because it's brownish. I don't think it's a drug. I think it's the... It's not an arcotic. It's a component. Yes, the component for... This de-aging process. So it's meth. Because everybody I know that smoked a whole bunch of meth, you look older ah like real quick. Yeah. You know. Well, yeah, I guess was Whitney mentioned. she look at She's so turning ancient. Her teeth are falling out. Whitney mentioned de-aging. And I guess that's technically what the scientist is doing, right? He's trying to discover a way to stop aging. Yes. But his thought process is, well, to figure out how to stop it, you've got to figure out how to speed it up. You don't. You can just look at the aging that's happening in everyday life and just go from there.
00:38:16
Speaker
Look, to cure something, we have to cause it. We're we're all aging. No, no, no. I mean like fast. I'm going to give you 37 tumors. I'm going to try and cure 37 tumors. We'll see how it goes. But so there's, there was these like goons that are trying to do this drop with the drugs and I guess they don't notice that one crate is smashed and missing some. Uh-huh. So they're they're driving down the road to do this drop, and they're in a big van also. It's not the worst drug deal drop I've seen. They're going, let's say, headed east, and they throw a saddlebag or duffelbag full of the drugs out of the moving van on the side of the highway, and a Jeep picks it up and heads west.
00:38:50
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, it's good. It's not that I'm thinking about it. Why are you going where you just came from? Huh? Because that really goes two ways. It's probably like they're going to turn and go north and south. Yeah. They got a jeep. They can go off road somewhere. That's true. This lady looks like she's doing a cosplay of Robert Muldoon. Yes. From Jurassic Park. She got them short khakis, them thick thunder thighs. She's like, how are you going to deliver those drugs to us? Well, we're just going to do a side of the road drop. Ah, clever boy. so Clever, Captain. and This chick bugged me because she's a terrible actress. Her emotionless deliverance. I looked her up, and the one role I knew her from, she's a Bond girl. That makes sense. O'Toole, Plunty O'Toole is her fucking character's name. plus So she's got Plunty O'Toole? Yeah, or you can give her Plunty O'Toole. It's just like the worst, stupidest names, dude. What's your last name? M'Job, first name's Ree, Ree M'Job.
00:39:46
Speaker
That's way more subtle than any of theirs ever were. We've got, like, what, Pussy Galore? Yeah. Like, come on. Yeah. Dover. Ben Dover. I've never met a woman named Ben. Well, my last name's Dover. Whoo! What's your last name, Madam? O'Job. Yep. You know, we're moving on. She's Irish, so it would be, it's O'Job. It's O'Job. Blue Job. I used my initials B.L. B.L.O job So Captain America is painting a cat Second best part of the movie he's got this cat literally like posing on a rock and he's like talking to it while he's painting it and These thugs who were there for the night before doing the drug drop show up and they're like, let's go rough him up Yeah for some reason they really don't want him there. We don't understand yet but it's because this town is not welcome to outsiders because of
00:40:44
Speaker
the whole criminal element. Oh, they got him tracked too, like not tracked. They're they're on the walkie talkie like, hey, when did this guy come into town? She's like, oh, at one third in the morning and he hasn't left yet. ah Suspicious. So like if you come into this town, they got you clocked. Eat your fucking pie. Get your gas. Get the fuck out. Yeah, this is a town for refueling. they Even even know as you're intimidating him, he's got this beautiful painting of a cat, and to intimidate him, this guy just draws a set of glasses on the cat. Like Harry Potter glasses. Harry Potter glasses. And he's like, I can give you the same treatment. It's like, what?
00:41:18
Speaker
Uh, can I get like a daisy on my right cheek? And then maybe like, I don't know, crescent moon on my left side. Who paid me like Spider-Man. I love how fuzz. I was thinking he was going to dip his balls in the paint and then teabag him. That would be great. All right, why are you on zipping? We're going to assert some dominance real quick. Yes. I do like the intimidating dialogue this guy is supposed to have because Captain America, Steve Rogers, I don't, I don't like calling this guy either of those things. No, but We'll call him Reb. Reb. That's even dumber, though. Like, everything you're supposed to call this guy I'm not happy about. Brown. Brown. He's he's the brown note. Oh, he is. When he talks, I got it. It's real shitty. But he's talking about painting the cat and stuff, and the guy's like, we'll paint it somewhere else. And he's like, yeah, well, Heathcliff likes being here. And he says it a lot, and it's like, that cat has legs. Pick him up and take him somewhere else. I'm like, hey that don't don't connect.
00:42:11
Speaker
Like, that's not an intimidating line, one, which it's supposed to be. Two, if the cat has legs, it can walk somewhere else. You don't need to pick him up and take him anywhere. Also, it's a cat. Don't tell it what to do. That cat doesn't have legs. Pick him up and take him somewhere else makes a lot more sense. Yeah. Sorry. He's not feeling well. His leg hurts. Well, you've got legs. There you go. See? Look at Jack punching shit up again. Well, it's not hard to punch this up. This is like the worst script I've ever read or or seen be read on screen. So he takes the cat to the vet for some reason. Oh, yeah they know that the vet has something to do with. Yeah, because he was he's talking to this other scientist, Dr. Simon Amadeus, Dr. Simon Mills, which played by the they tell him the guy we talked we didn't talk about ah from Silver Streak and then that girl. The guys that are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are the ones telling them their vets out of town. You got to leave.
00:43:03
Speaker
But he ends up going to this vet because the next thing is he goes in and there's like a line outside the vet's office and he's no animals. But so that's why they were as soon as he said, I'm going to go see the vet. They kind of like, ah nope, he's out. Yep. Knowing he's not out. It's our. Oh, that's why. Because he said he's out, but he's not. OK, that's what I was saying. um I got you. Well, you I got. Yeah, that's fine. I get it. I'm just slow. You only listen to mine. I understand. What? you You only listen to men is what she said. What? No, I said it. You have to understand when I say it. That's how it works. But ah he takes the cat in and he's like, oh, I think my cat has a broken coleoptera or something.
00:43:44
Speaker
And the cat the vet like checks him out. And at first I was just like, God, all these ah actors are bad. The vet's just like picking up its leg like, oh, seems fine to me. Yeah, I could put him in a brace. Yeah. And then when he's leaving, the vet goes and like looks up Chloe Optra or whatever the fuck I said in that book. And it turns out, as Steve Rogers says later, if any vet doesn't know that a Chloe Optra is just a basic beetle, then you can't trust. or like What? What? The beetle walks by. What did you just call me? A basic beetle? Also, I'm a dumb beetle.
00:44:14
Speaker
The fuck does a vet need to know about Beatles for? Because all my my my beetle broke it thorax know you after a bro is his oroopta because any would know that it's not a bone. That's what he is. I don't know. Cole Optra sounds like something to Derek's point. though It's funny. in this It's in this book. Like it's in his medic, this veterinarian medical book. It's actually just the big book. at all It's actually just the big book of animals. He just wasn't pushing that. Well, you know, on the pages where you can push, it's like the cow says move. doctorctor says ah Good beetle scary noise no Frank Welker over here That's how you get a fucking big day get golden bedsheets. I don't want a golden bed sheet. I do if I'm rich. not I'm uncomfortable. I'm gonna go to my other house Yeah, I do want one. It's not asleep on
00:45:04
Speaker
I'm going to the other bedroom. The other room. Where I have silver sheets. This doesn't work either. You just keep going down. Eventually you're just like. Turquoise. Turquoise sheets. These aluminum sheets are awful. Bamboo is my favorite. Parchment paper is not that bad. We were getting closer to bamboo at
Captain America's Relationships and Town Dynamics
00:45:20
Speaker
that point, right? so yeah Get you some good bamboo sheets. You mean parchment paper like for baking or parchment like the paper you would write on with a quill? Oh, I meant for baking, but now I'm thinking about the other one. Fuck. All right, Captain, let's go. ah But basically over this already, dude, she wants to wrap it up and give no recommendations. Basically, the mom, the kid Pete, the mom is Helen. Sure. Just Catherine Justice is her real name. Helen Moore is her movie name or yeah switch that around. dude Yeah. Who's Captain America interested in? Catherine Justice. Captain Justice. Catherine justice captain was my father. Don't call me that But there those two and the vet are all basically just like hey, you should go check out Greenwood. It's another town That's not here. It's good to fuck out the fuck off out the model woods dude Jack at this point was like just fucking leave bro. Yeah, sorry. I tried to help your town
00:46:13
Speaker
You went Marky Mark, though, for a second. I did. Hey, I can't fucking bang your mom, so I'm fucking gone. Exactly. I'm gonna tell you what, though, no Asians in this town? Looking up? No saving. Bro, you got 250 nice white people. He does. It's aging really old. Whoa. Did you say aging or Asian? Aging. Okay, good. Just checking, bro. animals the age I was gonna have to fucking hit you he's dropping an Asian serum it's going to turn everybody into what ah oh my god and then before he gets to Boston here bro California mayorro california's one thing the Boston don't fucking tread on me unless I'm paying for it
00:46:54
Speaker
But he does talk to ah Captain America, talks to Helen again at some point because they have like a quote unquote romance. I mean, will they won't. they It's closer to romance than we see in any MCU movies. For sure. Other than between ah ah Black Widow and the Hulk. But even then, they don't ever kiss. it's like Well, you got MJ and Spider-Man. But do they ever even kiss? Yeah. Do they? You know, they show that upside down because a different movie. I said MCU. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you about Zendaya. So. Oh, I love her. You can love her all you want. She's fine. But this movie is more has more sex in it than The Rock, then like the movie The Rock or the act of anything The Rock has been a rock has made after pain and gain. Yes. Yes, yes. But he's talking to her. I was speaking, I was like, I mean, you are right, because there is no taking out in Trump Connery. No, but we've seen Nicholas Cage fuck Darla. Losers go home and complain about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Darla was a prom queen.
00:48:00
Speaker
We need to watch The Rock again. That's when they're on the they're on the top of the building. He's like, oh, naughty pigtails, naughty, naughty. And everyone realized, I don't want to fuck Nick Cage. But he watched that scene like, well, I still like you. I ain't fucking you. I still would. I would. ah But he's talking to Helen and basically he's like, everybody in this town is either angry or afraid or they want me to leave. And that's when she's kind of like, look, there's just some shit going on. You need to just shut the fuck up. Yeah. Just leave people alone. And then he becomes like friends with the family and helps the kid out. Uh huh. And then the kid stumbles upon this dead sheep.
00:48:38
Speaker
Uh-huh, whitey. Little old whitey. I know it's whitey because he got his leg on a barbed wire, and now he's dead. Someone sprinkled water on this kid's face to make him look like he's crying, but other than that, he's doing more than anybody else. Because he's actually hitting tones and deliveries. Yes. And it's because they say that he had a pet lamb, and this is a dead sheep. Yeah. And they're like, that's impossible. He's only been gone a couple of weeks from Chinese to Asian thing. ah But there is in there, or I think it's at this point, um some goons come and basically start harassing Captain America. And they're like, you're going to come with us. and They all have baseball bats and shit. And he's not in costume, so he wants to be low profile. That's why I thought.
00:49:19
Speaker
Well, he does he does because then he goes around a corner. Well, it's still the middle of this town of eight people or whatever. But yeah, 250. They're all taking a shit at this moment. They know that mind their own business. They do. Like, oh, my God, there's five guys beating up that one white guy. Don't leave it alone. Martha, get inside. Martha, Martha, Martha. Wait, Captain America's mom's name is Martha, too. No, it's his name of his fucking flashlight. Oh, God, no. And it's because it's Batman's mom. Yeah, I do. Oh, Martha. But these guys have baseball bats and they keep like poking at him and shit. And he's like, hey, you should probably stop that. And the one guy hits him a little bit and he's like, strike three, you're out. See, that's the only like he swings this guy.
00:50:04
Speaker
at the other guys. I know there's nothing better than hitting a motherfucker with another motherfucker. He hits four motherfuckers with one motherfucker. I like of that. That's a good motherfucking ratio. And it's ah it's a decent little fight scene for what we're what we've been watching. But your voice is, the way your voice, like it's a decent fight scene. We're being Stockholmed. We yeah are. I'm trying to keep in mind. longist dude I'm trying to keep in mind that we're watching a TV movie from 1979 and not a movie that cost 250 million dollars that was made five years ago. You know what? Sure.
Pacing and Cultural Context
00:50:34
Speaker
Point to Dirk. They probably spent 80,000 movies, 80,000 dollars on this movie. Point to Dirk, yes, but also we did hits I can still be mad. Point to Jack.
00:50:44
Speaker
I can still be upset that we watched this. We watched the shorter version. We can still be watching the other one. I'm pointing at you. At least it would feel like you. I'm pointing at you. This was like, this felt like three hour movie. It did. Oh my God, it felt so, how many times did I have to stand up because I thought I was falling asleep. I don't know, I fell asleep while I was trying to watch. It's like waiting for Dena Day Lewis and he never comes out. And then i you did say that and I was like, yeah, but the thing is, we didn't know it was spelled D.A.E. And that is Dave right there. Daniel Day Lewis. But I like he finishes the fight by basically luring these guys up onto someone's patio and then smashing out the supports for the patio so they all fall off. Oh, look, Harold, that kid turned our patio into a s slide. Oh, how did he know I just got into a wheelchair and needed a ramp? That is a hell of a way to get out, though. I'm going to the store. Why? They get back up here somehow. You made a great point at the end of it. You made a great point. It's a great way to get furniture, but fucking up there. Yeah. Yeah.
00:51:46
Speaker
I think it's a great little s slide, dude, to be all of a sudden your kids are like really happy to leave for school. But we skateboard that should be. They go, they slide down and then you burn it so they can't get back your orphans. Were there skateboards in 79? Yes. OK, not the way that we know. Right. They were the like the big, weird ones, right? Or even littler. Or the super little ones where you got your one foot. I think at this point, it was like Dogtown and Z-Boys, that fishtail. It was much more land surfing than what we know because the tricks they're doing now are absurd compared to back then. It was like, here's a really cool trick. I put my hand on the ground and I turned fast. Everyone's like, whoa.
00:52:26
Speaker
wild. And now they're like, I'm going to turn 18 times before I land. I'm going to kick flip while I flip this egg. And when I get done with this tasty little trick, here's an omelet. Somehow I cooked it. Oh, shit. Are you a little scallions? Second omelet. I could do it again. I could do a fucking cake flip, bro. But the little kid is telling Captain America about how his mom was a show writer and stuff, and I only want to mention it because he says that his mom went to the Dixon Horse Show. Dude, I looked up like the Dixon Horse Show. First of all, how absurd. Second of all, what a ticket's on average. Oh, didn't he also say... Where's it at? Didn't he also say my mom lost her special look when she stopped going... Yeah, she's not happy anymore because she's not at a Dickson horse show. You know what that means? She always had the VIP tickets. She hasn't had excitement between her legs since she quit riding horses. Whoo! My mom looks like she has an orgasm in a while. Well, she also quit riding horses when her dad died, when his dad died, so... had her dad die, she rode him to death. I wouldn't mind going out that way. I'm just saying, dude, just be careful having sex with chicks that ride horses. They're in truth. They got some thighs. They're ready for things that you can't give them. Like, you think you measure up to a horse. I'm not like a penis. I'm talking about fucking the size of you and the stamina that you don't have compared to a horse. At least I know that she can straddle me and not be uncomfortable.
00:53:56
Speaker
That's true, that's true. It helps for a big fella like us too. She can fit. I do like the main goon, whose name is like Statler or something. Statler and Waldorf, is that the other one? There's the Muppets. Harry Dean Stanton. They kept saying Statler, I think, and all I could think of was Statler and Waldorf. So I'm just thinking of those two old men on the balcony. very yeah Everyone's going to be as old as us. Oh, just yelling at Captain America. Maybe it was. And ah because that's when Sesame Street came out was in the 70s. It's marphing Muppets. Oh, which 79 Muppets are out. Were they? Yeah, it was. Yeah.
00:54:35
Speaker
yeahs sps I told you guys during the labborin he started making that shit in high school. Yeah, okay, and he got the voice from George Lucas i do know that But I i expect royalties bitch
00:54:49
Speaker
Just George Lucas calling fucking Jim Henson, bitch. Bitch better have my green. Oh, you think it's a funny voice now? Well, I'm going to sue your ass in this voice. I'm going to be my own fucking lawyer. I'm going to digitize Saboba to be my lawyer and he's going to get you. He's going to say, Saboba, get him.
00:55:09
Speaker
I'm adding some tontons into the back of this fucking courtroom. Uh, George, if we can stop for a minute, um, and I'm going to have your bailiff wear a red pauldron, just a red pauldron right there. Have some do backs walking behind here. Uh, you saw in contempt of court. oh
00:55:27
Speaker
But Christopher Lee tells Statler, ah under no circumstances is Mr. Rogers to leave this town. And I was like, Mr. Rogers, you better keep Mr. Rogers in his neighborhood, bitch. I mean, Mr. Rogers neighborhood is probably in this town. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It's probably closer to Portland. I don't know why he was like the Midwest. Was he? I think. I don't know. He was in fucking San Francisco. It could be Nalins. But it was a fairy trolley. No. Well, maybe. I think he was like a. It's a public access guy before he was famous and like, oh, look, we're going to move on. But if you know, send us an email, send us an email. Bad movies. Where's people at Gmail dot com and say, listen, idiot. God, it says it right there. I bet you Brandon knows. He probably does. But he gets arrested for assaulting five men and then immediately breaks
Escapes and Action Sequences
00:56:18
Speaker
out of prison. I do like the guy, he's like, you have charges against you. He's like, I beat up five guys. You really think that I came out? He's like, that's what this little piece of paper says. And that cop is like, well, since your arm is as big as two of them, yes. Dude, you got Popeye forearms, but attached to Popeye biceps.
00:56:36
Speaker
Ugh, skip a day, skip a day, never skip leg day. Like, this guy could give the rocker run for his money, muscle-wise. Probably not fighting-wise. No, and you know what? This is 79 muscle, so it's even more impressive to me. Because it's no steroids. Because no steroids, and it's not even like there's very little science. This guy lifts, and that's about it. He's not eating, finger-quote, superfoods, and, you know, doing all these... Now that we have these radical things, like, uh, fuck, god damn, I forget the name of that stupid Marvel movie, The Eternals. Yeah, Camille. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck is your name? Najiani. Najiani, thank you. I actually love the actor. I'm just really bad at names. I do. Camille Najiani, he even says, like, everyone's like, you got rocked. He's like, dude, I just listened to what the fuck they told me. It's a Marvel. They have people for this. Eat this. Work out now. And he looks chiseled for it. So good. He's fucking rocked in that movie. He really is. Same dude or same thing was with ah the guy that played Adam Warlock in Guardians 3. He's like, I just did exactly what they told me. Oh, the choking guy.
00:57:35
Speaker
No, not Chris Pratt. No, no, also Chris Pratt. Oh, he got fucking ripped for Guardians of the Galaxy. Yeah. From fucking, I mean, quote unquote, fat guy on parts. Yeah, finger quote, fat guy is correct. Hey, have you guys ever heard of Patreon? I think I have. Yeah, I think it's like a royal guard. It's that maybe, but also it's a website where podcasters and other creators can get people to give them money for making their product go on. You mean we can get paid for this? Kind of for a mere three dollars a month you loyal listener can feed or get drunk a starving podcaster I feel like we need some like Sarah McLaughlin behind this kind
00:58:14
Speaker
I will remember you. I almost did with arms wide open. I was like, that's not the song. That's how you get people to not give you money. So check it out. Patreon dot.com slash worst people. That's W.O.R.S.E. Three dollars a month. You get access to exclusive episodes. Find us. Love us. Support us. Thank you. um Sharks of the corn. Virus shark. Cocaine shark. Shark to puss. Yeah. Those are all real movies. Join me, Steve Coates, as each week I take a comedic look at the bizarre world of Shark's exploitation cinema on Bucket of Chump, the Shark Movie Podcast.
00:58:59
Speaker
But he escapes jail basically immediately by bending the bars and getting out. OK, I was going to ask how he got out. Yeah, because you got up and went, but he just bent the bars and escaped. But I love the Statler or one of the fucking goons called Marley. And he's like, he's like, hey, Captain America just broke Steve Rogers out of jail. That's the only logical explanation. Well, because they see the motorcycle driving away with Captain America, but there's not another dude on it. Yeah. So it would just be like, I think captain i think Steve Rogers is Captain America, dude. Nope. Nope. That's not how he's not help the bad guys don't think that way. He broke him out. He just didn't drive him away. Yeah, they're a bunch of dummies. All right, I got you out. Everybody gets one. and You got to go run off on your own. He he paged me. I owed him a favor that one time in Vegas with the hooker, he helped me out.
00:59:45
Speaker
And then the they have this convoy of Jeeps convoy chasing Captain America across a dam. And then another convoy of Jim. Oh, my God. Get off the dam. What? So he's driving down the damn turn. Get off the dam. Get off the fucking dam. This is my dam. So this sounded like what you did on the dam. It's on that damn day. She's the one lady is on the block with the other tool. Yes. And they're just on the dam. We're on the dam now. We're getting on the dam now. If you play a quick drinking game to Dan, it's a dam. You're fucked right now.
01:00:25
Speaker
but I love it because he's like he uses his motorcycle to rocket jump over the jeeps but then somebody like shoots him or does something and so he goes he veers off no no vers no right he he does okay so it's a weird edit where he jumps over everybody but somebody shoots at him And it should be somebody behind him, but the bullet hits the the ah shield on the front. Okay. And then all of a sudden he turns the bike and I thought he was going to ride down the wall. So did I. But he fucking hits and crashes and explodes. And they they they latched a dummy under this fucking motorcycle and just hooked it off a fucking dam. And that made husband.
01:01:06
Speaker
Hey, that's a damn dummy. Yeah. He hits, he hits and he smashes and he falls in the water and basically the guy like shoots like three or four times and was like, he can't survive that. Let's go. Ain't nobody get that. She looks like she's going to say something. He's clearly never seen Waterworld. Yeah, you're right. Well, dude, not many people have. one That's true, but also like but Not enough people have I should say he's like you can't survive in that river. Yeah, no way I definitely did I do remember watching this when he's driving down the dam and Derek's like, yeah, right until he fucking
01:01:39
Speaker
jumps off the side of the thing and goes down. Yeah, I was like, he's going to repel down like fucking Golden Eye. And they didn't show enough. He didn't repel the he just he doesn't have any Q. Yeah. Captain America has no gadgets. This guy also doesn't have any IQ. He does not. Were you calling me a fucking idiot? ah Hey, I know what I'm doing with a motorcycle accident. have You ever walked away from one with minimal brain damage? I didn't even think of that until you said that. This guy has a motorcycle accident and he looks like Gary Busey. He comes out of it very changed. yeah Afterwards, he's just screaming at people and like, I don't know, murdering. I don't know what Gary Busey does now. Hey, kid, I want you to cut some holes in those loaves of bread. I'm going to make loafers and put them on my feet.
01:02:26
Speaker
Give me two meatball subs, and I'm gonna cut holes in them and make them into shoes. You know the great thing about meatball subs? One size fits all. Ooh, there was a movie he did with meatball subs, unless you guys just talked about that outside. Yeah, that's what we were talking about. Point break. I was talking to roommate. I mean, we didn't say point break until that, but... But we're there now. Meatball subs. Sorry. I was just talking about him putting bread in his feet and calling him loafers. But you said Gary Busey and bread, and I went to meatball subs. Uh-huh. Because give me a meatball sub, too.
01:02:57
Speaker
Papadopas. I could not eat two meatball subs. Oh, I could. Not back to back. Oh, I could do it before. Well, they were for steak out. They were steak out subs. I'm going to take those subs and put them ass to ass. They were steak out subs. You eat one now and one later. Oh, I haven't had that brand. Is that like Subway? Steak out subs. Yeah, except for their breads made out of food. Shots fired.
Villain's Plan and Climactic Scenes
01:03:20
Speaker
But anyway, that happens. And then the Christopher Lee is like, OK, they're not going to pay me. Well, release the fucking gas. And they have this plane that does like sky riding over Portland. I actually like this part because it's super fucking evil and nefarious. The fucking biplane writes smile in this poisonous smoke, which, of course, everybody in town is looking up like, huh? Well, I like that it's an evil thing. What I don't like is people in town are all
01:03:48
Speaker
mit Smith Smilley. Yes, I was like smell smell smell a Have you none of you fucking hicks have ever read the word smile? And the what the fuck is an s-mile I got it with the SNM. I think he meant I think he went to put five mile. Well, I saw S and M and I was like, yeah, Christopher Lee wasn't a metal band, wasn't he? Yeah. He's just advertising. no and them I was like, but no, yeah, it's it's smile. And there's some lady that's like, aren't you going to smile like it says? Oh, wait, wait, wait. It's the first time a woman told a guy to smile. Oh, fuck it is. Hey, honey, you should smile more. You look so much prettier when you smile. That's how her laugh is. I think, okay. I'm glad you clarified that, because I was like, bitch, for all the women, I'm about to punch you for that. No, that was just this lady. Hey, for all the men, I'll take it. um But he does stop her from crossing the street. He's like, wait, there's something wrong with this. It's dissipating. Yeah, you've never seen shit fall like that. And now it's fog in the in the town. Yeah, this this thing is like,
01:04:55
Speaker
What, a mile above the fucking town and all of a sudden Portland is covered in fog? And I'm like, well, smile is not a long enough word. You need to be writing like poetry if you're trying to gas the entire city of Portland. The word poetry, right? No, no, no. Like an actual poem. Oh, I would write cellar door. Incursive. Oh, hey, that's the most beautiful word in the English language. Look up there, it's the most beautiful. ah I'm dying. I'm getting older. Bro, they fucking breathe in that rapid Asian. Why is cellar door? It was from Donnie Darko and J.R. I still don't understand why it's something. The look of it. The look. And then like the way something about the words, especially especially Tolkien is a student of language, which is why he created Black Speech. He created Elvis. He created Dwarvish like because he's a. I think the minstrels or the minstrels, not minstrels, minstrels in the old fucking
01:05:46
Speaker
Blackface movies created blackpa face sorry porkish black speech for nomenclature apparently dude apparently not also no minstrels. Yeah minstrels were the minstrels min Yeah minstrels come out of your legs well so I don't think he understands how a period works I'm out of light beers, I've been drinking heavy things. So Captain America is hiding at this lady's house, and she comes in, and he's like, I hid my van in your barn. Whoa, did you use lube first? Never. Can't just hide a van in a barn? Yes. Ask somebody before you go just parking in your barn. Do you want my bike in your trunk? I hope you have room. I hope you have a big trunk, because I'm going to put my bike in it. Oh, you dirty. Yes, I know the movie.
01:06:31
Speaker
So the yeah that this is when he finds out the lab is in this weird town and they're getting antidote shots And so he starts creeping around the vets car and I love that the exposition dump Yeah, and people are walking by watching him like check the tires of this vets car. and They're just like I'm not gonna talk about that no like it's it's this town it's this town house Fucking business this this town that's been like no strangers no outsiders get out of here and then there's a stranger outsider who's lurking around a guy's car and they're like huh but he did put on a weird uh like children of the corn jebediah the hat this guy has a fucking 2024 hipster band he's opening for mumford or the suns
01:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, he's he's wearing a Canadian ah tuxedo. He's wearing a Canadian tuxedo with like a fucking Montana cowboy hat. And yes, he is. What is it? Nathaniel Ratliff in the night sweats would love to have him. Yes. So then then he goes. He figured they figure out where the jail is, basically by by way of him tasting tires. Yeah, he's like, it smells like tar is there a road and they have a little wheelie thing and whatever. They figure out it's this jail. So the jail is where Christopher Lee has been hiding because he had a line early in the movie. Sorry, this is closer to him being Batman. Like he's doing the world's greatest detective. That's what this more is. It is. It is. It's Batman during the day. Yeah. It's Dayman. Oh!
01:07:49
Speaker
Defender of the night, man. Oh, protector of no master of champion of the sun, karate and friendship for everyone. Champion of the sun. Yeah, I don't know. It's been a while. Let's watch that show. OK. Yes. Let's watch it all right now. Let's just hit pause on this and delete it. Let's do a day man podcast, meaning Charlie Day. Oh, yeah. ah But so he they figure out where the jail is and it's Folsom Prison is the jail they're using. And Christopher Lee mentioned earlier in the movie, the American government would never think to look for the great terrorist Miguel in prison. American prison.
01:08:29
Speaker
Do you know what irony is? Because I'm going to lay it on for your thick. Somebody call Alanis Morissette. I need to teach her a thing or two. She has one hand in her pocket. The other one has to be writing down this song. ah
01:08:45
Speaker
ah So Captain America breaks into jail. I already broke out. And Christopher Lee is like, so this I don't understand. a Big question mark around this whole scene. just he tells He tells Chris Catan to gas the dogs with a triple dose of the aging serum. yeah No, he says, give them a triple dose of the aging serum. And then he says, use the gas version because it'll work faster. oh But he tells it which is just actually a spray bottle. It's yeah, it's a hundred percent what I have on my couch to get the cats away But he's like so something something triple aging serum makes dogs more violent question mark Also, so I thought it was because it was gonna get on him and make him Asian die
01:09:28
Speaker
No, i see I think it's supposed to be generic. Like it makes the dogs angrier and more aggressive and they're going to fuck them up kind of thing. It's not. They feel themselves aging so fast. They get mad about it. Sure. I'm not a science. I mean, our dog is older and she's crankier now. She yells at anybody that comes in the house when your dog is also at a size that Captain America would probably pun her. She is at that size, but she's got a great bark. She doesn't like yip, yip, yip, yip, or Like the other one. Who barks like a fucking M1 Garand? I didn't realize that your your daughter second dog barks like a fucking World War II rifle. But Candy's got, for as little of a dog she is, she's got a big bark. Yeah.
01:10:11
Speaker
She's a grower. So he gets in there and he releases the professor and he looks out the window and sees Miguel and it's these little like anti suicide windows. Sorry, would you have to talk about real quick the professor's fucking paws. Are you Professor Lee or whatever his name is? Like one, two, three, four. Yes. Well, it's not just a pause though. He is looking, he looks Captain America up and down. So are you Professor so and so and he looks at him and he's like, ah blue leotard here's what motorcycle helmet do i talk to this guy here's what happened the actor didn't read this script and he's like i'm in a what movie all of a sudden captain america came on set and he just looked up and down like he's like all i've worked with at this point is christopher lee and christopher catan there was these dogs here earlier now there's a guy in a fucking motorcycle helmet with wings on it i'm going the other way i'm saying this was the first shot taken
01:11:02
Speaker
And he's like, shit, what's my line? And Captain America is getting around this prison. Yes. Captain America is getting around this prison by driving his motorcycle up and down. And he breaks into the prison and writes motorcycle. That makes sense. He gets to an office and looks at the map to figure out where he is. He's like, OK, that's the Orange Julius. So that's not where they have the professor. They have a journeys. I can get some combat boots. Oh, I need to go. I do need to stop by Spencer's before I leave, but first I'm going to get the professor. Look what they had. World's most number one Captain America. Look at this mug. They had a Captain America dildo. I do have to say, when he's leaving from the professor, there was a real chuckle laugh from all three of us at how he left this building because there are stairs with a garden rail. Oh my God. I was like, what is she talking about? Yes, because he sees Miguel leaving in the station wagon, so he goes to chase him out. I got to make out some time.
01:12:00
Speaker
Yeah, he sits on the fucking handrail of the stairs and slides down like an eight-year-old. Oh, my God. The justice never rests. We got all work, no play makes Jackie a dull boy. Captain America, dull boy. Makes Cappy a dull boy. But this is when he gets the motorcycle and he puts the shield on the front, kind of. Gotcha. Cause he had it hidden behind some boxes. All these brown boxes with this bright blue motorcycle. It was a pallet. We talked about it while he was trying to like, sneak around this thing. It's like, it's daylight and you're red, white and blue. Like you wouldn't fucking believe. He's blue. Like when you are you are sticking out, dude, like a smurf, like a six foot smurf.
01:12:45
Speaker
It's what you are. He is. Look at that ripped ass Smurf over there. What's he doing? How much acid did you give us today? That must be lifty Smurf. Fucking rocked. Just because you said how much acid you give me today, I read a story. Normal amount. About the apparently and this is like a story that Reb Brown told. He came out dressed as Captain America somewhere when they were shooting and there was like a drunk like homeless guy there. And the guy like kind of looked at him and like kind of fell back off the wall a little bit and it was like, I need to quit drinking. And like when he got up and like rubbed his eyes and looked back and saw he was still there, he's like, or not. Oh, look at this. It's a fucking star spangled boner. I've got a red, white and blue balls. Look at you over there. You're a beautiful cat. Fapped in America. Rub it all over you. OK, Cosby, thank you for stopping by. I'll put a little something in your drink. I'm putting it in right now.
01:13:43
Speaker
i yeah i mean I meant to put it in your drink. You know what? I think I put it in mine. You can take me to Jello. With a D. I know. But he sounds like he put it in his drink. Yeah, I put it in myself. You can just take me to Jello.
01:14:00
Speaker
To escape Jello, Captain America throws his motorcycle on top of this wall. It's clearly on a string because it's the same thing as the shield earlier. It goes up and you can see it swinging back and forth. I actually wonder if this is a reverse shot. It looks like a reverse shot. Did they have it up there and then craned it up and then dropped it down? Well, they definitely did that with him jumping up. That's why I thought they did it for the bike, too. But either way, with the bike when it's going down, you could see it shaking on the string when it's landing. The way it sits perfectly and is it still?
01:14:30
Speaker
Like, I agree with. Yeah, they but they probably did. Jackie, there I'm Jack. But he jumps off the wall of this prison, which is but what? What? How high is the wall of a prison? Fifty feet. I'd say 50, 50. Okay. And then he turns on an architecture. He turns his motorcycle into a hang glider and flies away. So you know, I get your problem. It has the jet engine. and But Derek Sane, in the amount of time it is for you to drop from a 50-foot wall to the ground, you should not have time to deploy a hang glider, hit the rockets, and take off, and get it all out. You are correct, especially in the way they're showing it deployed, because it looks like a parachute coming out at first. It's a very long, it's a two-minute long segment of this thing coming out. It's back to Waterworld when he hits that switch and the kite comes out of the fucking boat, and now he's out running the fucking get smokers. Yeah. It's like that, but not good.
01:15:20
Speaker
It makes Waterworld look like a fucking Rembrandt. I'm sorry. A thousand percent. A thousand. for Yeah. Get your own catchphrase, right? yeah But yeah, so he's got a hang letter motorcycle. Yep. Wow. That's happening right now. Wow is what I say. I had and one issue with this, though. Only one that the scene is eight hundred hours long. OK, I had two issues. The when he's trying to go one way versus another, you all you have to do is basically steer it like you lean it. You know what? It's like being on a bike. I had not moving. Well, maybe it's a specially made one because he's on a motorcycle. I had a zero issue with this because this movie hasn't given a shit about a lot of things. OK, I'm not going to start now.
01:16:04
Speaker
Like, I get what you're saying. that This is not... Someone that oh someone didn't research hang gliding. Also, though, the way that this motorcycle is suspended from this, presumably it's attached to the hang glider. No, it's not. But when he's in the air, it looks like he's just holding this hang glider with his fucking thighs. No, he got straps for the motorcycle. I'm sorry. Yeah. He has straps from the bike over his like suspenders that are attached to the bike. That's the worst. I thought the worst. I thought the same. I like Derek's better just because the size, the limit. Yeah. And with Captain America, it's always thigh high.
01:16:37
Speaker
ah But I guess I read it in trivia that this was super expensive, which is what I said. We were watching this scene and it just kept going and going and going. And Jack was like, they're fucking minutes. Jack was like, they're very proud of this. They love a shot. And the shot is budget. This shot. Were these shots alone cost about a half a million dollars? Which is a lot of money in 1970. Also clearly not. Might as well be a million. She just paid off Christopher Lee. ah Clearly not Red Brown doing this shot. Oh, no, no, no, no. Like he had some stuntmen, but they did really good at covering his face. And I get this shot, this whole scenario right here.
01:17:16
Speaker
1,000% a different person. I get what Derek's saying, like, yes, this is your big shot, but it's also 10 minutes of your plot. It's also so boring. It's boring. So he's chasing down Miguel, who got to a country road, and so did he on a hang glider. This hang glider never goes to the ground, by the way. No. He's good at hang gliding with all that extra weight of a motorcycle. Well, he's got a- There's a rocket propel. He's got a propel. Yeah. I'm with also also what we're saying about it being boring. The soundtrack is the most boring. It's been this. We don't have any pew pews. No, pic give me a like this. I now miss the pew pews. This is back to the fucking. What's what's it called? The his song, his anthem, whatever his song. Thank you.
01:18:00
Speaker
I again, this movie made me dumb. I said it would be finished. Well, jack yeah dumber Jack did read an eight eight out of 10 review on IMDB about how the theme song was fucking great. Yeah. And this is no timpani. I have to disagree with everything that eight out of 10 person said, mostly regarding the fucking soundtrack. No. Weak is part of a weak movie. Yes. But he catches up with General Miguel. Yeah, he's virtually Miguel. Yeah, eventually he gets off, chases him on his motorcycle, and then Miguel reaches the end of the road, literally. Yeah. There's a railing there. Although we got. And he takes out this giant suitcase. Talk over us.
01:18:43
Speaker
He takes out this giant suitcase and a rifle and goes running. to Captain America also chases after him after checking the car, of course. I belong to you! Go! Go on. You have to sing Boyz II Men. I mean, come on. I actually am starting a Christian group called Alter Boyz II Men. Our first single is It Happened Overnight. Alter Boyz with Men. You took a really clean thing, maybe disgusting. You took some wholesome like Catholicism and you ruined it. ah Catholicism, ow.
01:19:24
Speaker
God. And go on. So they face off. It's so dumb. So there's this noise that's been happening anytime Captain America uses his quote unquote powers. And it's like it's a spider sense. Yeah. It's like the six million dollar man noise. Yeah. But now he's like I have echo located. He didn't say that. But like essentially he's like I know exactly where you are. You're 30 degrees west and 20 degrees south from me. Right now. And then Christopher Lee just runs like 10 feet away and I was waiting for him to be like, now you're at 40 degrees. Me too! You're taking two steps to the right. You're holding in a fart. Smells like it's gonna be Raisin Bran. Did you have Raisin Bran today? No, you had it yesterday. Yesterday, about four o'clock. But the farts because of the wheat bran.
01:20:10
Speaker
And and they they kept he tries to shoot Captain America, blocks it with the shield. Captain America first says, you should just surrender. And he's like, what, to an unarmed man? And Cox's rifle, and Captain America, he was like, oh shit. And he runs away. And thinking about him having a gun. Fuck. And he bolts, yeah. But he throws the shield and like misses as he does. And it doesn't hit Christopher Lee when it's coming back. And he's like, I'm a general. You think I'm that fucking stupid or whatever? I played frolf in college. Did you not think I knew about this frisbee? i Know all about fucking what that shit called ultimate first me is that what it's called with ra no ah Golf frisbee golf no frolf. I'm gonna fight you if you don't understand that frolf is frisbee golf But they don't call it frolf. He's saying they do but they don't yes they do
01:20:57
Speaker
I've never heard of it. In 1996, in the episode where George Costanza decides that he's going to help Jerry date an actress, Amanda Peach is the actress, by the way. They double team her in a relationship, not sexual style, and he ends up not mailing invitations because of frolf. Well, that's not what people call it now. Ultimate Frisbee. Yeah, there you go. That's what I said already. Thank you. So I didn't know what you were talking about. He didn't hear it because I'm a female and he's... I'm his wife. No, I was as soon as he's focusing on froth. I'm his wife. It sounds like the fat version of a Muppet.
01:21:32
Speaker
I am his wife and he just doesn't listen to me. No, here's what it comes down to is, Frolf is what it was first called because they like Frisbee golf. And then someone's like, we'll never be taken seriously as Frolfers. What about this? Hear me out. Ultimate Frisbee. Yeah, they think you're onto something there, Dylan. Exactly. If it would have been the 90s, they would have called it ex Frisbee. Extremely Frisbee. But either way, he's like, I'm not stupid enough to fall for your stupid bullshit. And then he goes to throw one of these bottles of concentrated aging liquid. You got it. Concentrating Asian liquid, bro? Bro, concentrated Asian liquid? What is that? Some fucking sake? You talking about sake? Fucking love a strong sake. I love sake. I just don't like the people who make it. Yeah, bro, if they could serve me though. But he throws the bottle and then the frisbee, I mean, the shield. Go ahead, go ahead. keep Just go on.
01:22:25
Speaker
The shield frisbee bounces back and hits the bottle and shatters it and it just drenched drenches Christopher Lee. Best acting in the world coming right now. Well, I'm pretty sure Christopher Lee didn't know they were about to throw a bucket of water on him because he's just like, what, was what, what the fuck is this? Yeah, but he does do a good, like... oh And he starts pursing his mouth like his skin is crazy. He's hiding his teeth. That's what he's doing, he's hiding his teeth. They're trying to, like, he's trying to fight Captain America. Some people call blowjob face. He's trying to fight Captain America. That's just your face.
01:23:02
Speaker
and as they're fighting he's just like slowly getting older and it's just like her and he literally like at one point turns around to punch him and then just goes ah falls back and dies. And now now Captain America walks to the beach where this guy lands a helicopter and looks every direction except for where the six foot Smurf is. He's looking where he's like, hey, hey, I'm looking for my boss. Hey, hey. And finally, Captain America like racks one in. He's like, your boss died waiting for you. That's the only decent one liner. But lean into that. He waited so long he died. Wait, like like lean into this cheesy. Or he says he died of old age waiting. So, yeah, but he died waiting for you. You know, of old age. But that's what gives it that extra kicker. He died of old age. Shh. Waiting for you. Oh. And then he doesn't shoot the guy spread it on well, he might have shot him. We don't know that's the end of that. yet Yeah Yeah, there's no fight scene like dude doesn't run away the fight scene that we did have Besides him fighting five guys like the big culmination was him running from Christopher Lee and then boot cocking him with old man Serum. Yep. Wait, is that where the the fast food restaurant got their name? The guy really liked Captain America to death too soon. That's why it's five guys
01:24:17
Speaker
No, I think that's just what he likes in his mouth. Oh, okay. And then we get a red rocket. Can you guys get five guy sauce? Go on. We get a red rocket over Portland. Here's high in protein. It's the antidote. And they're like, this is the best way to do it. Do a spiral over Portland and call it a day. Which we all said, by the way, because they say in the movie, we have a limited antidote and we can't. This is America. They'd be auctioning this off. Sorry, poor people in Portland. These homeless people are fucked. They're dead. Yep. The working class, mostly gone. But the rich are going to have all the antidote. But again, this is 1979 and I don't know what it was like back then. Better. The rich still ruled everything. the rich who want it The rich were hiding their fucking power back then. Yes, they wanted this was a made for TV movie. They wanted the poor because it was TV, not cable. Uh-huh. They wanted to poor to think.
01:25:09
Speaker
We still care. It's not CBS. You don't pay for CBS. Exactly. HBO. It's better than television. So I think that was a thing yet. I think that's like mid 80s. I could be right. Derek just ruins everything. I do. That's my job. Derek, Derek Downer. You getting paid? No, just like for most of my jobs. No, not enough. I don't pay. um And that's basically the end of the movie. Captain America paints a weird picture of this kid's mom. They make out. Oh, she's got that special face back. It's your face. I haven't seen that face in a while or my his mom saw. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I love riding this horse. Oh boy. Hey, mom, why did you replace that so that saddle with satin? Oh, she's spiking. Fucking captain. Mom, why are you using the old horse that has Parkinson's? Shut up summer doing a little laundry Find yourself a spin cycle and that's the end of that movie. Thank God So I'm gonna go around the horn why what I'm sure will be a bunch of surprises wife um I say a thousand percent no recommend I had to suffer through this so you guys can hear not to fucking watch this Just don't do it. You don't. Oh, I'm echoing you. Don't fucking do it. I got no caveat. There's no fucking there's no saving this. I watched it with friends. I watched it while drinking. I watched it without blinking. I watched it here. I watched it there. I watched him underwear. Don't watch it. I will say Shout Factory released a special edition Blu-ray of this so you can buy it if you want. However, you however, it's like I wouldn't. It's like in the collector's edition of Minecraft.
01:26:53
Speaker
That's the first edition. It was handwritten, bro. It signed. It was handwritten. Fucking Hitler wrote this one. Fucking Hitler wrote this, dude. Fucking this should be up in the fucking My Library. All right. If Gary Vusey was playing Captain America and Willem Dafoe was playing Christopher Lee's character, then I could recommend this movie. However, with it being even with it being Christopher Lee, I can't recommend it. They didn't do enough. He didn't give him justice. They didn't. it. They didn't put him in enough anyway. They wait. I knew he was generic Miguel guy. I knew he was going to be not a lot because he's like he's the quote unquote star power. And at this point, I mean, he is famous. Probably not so much over here. But he did. But what? Two days of work. on Yeah. I mean, he was he hung out in one room and then drove a car. Yeah. So don't watch this movie. Nope. You should watch instead anything.
01:27:41
Speaker
Yeah, big. Go watch big. Watch the paint dry. You can watch just the watch the MCU Captain America movies. They're good. OK. Winter Soldier is fucking awesome. It is actually. It's really fucking Winter Soldier is so good. You took a boring comic book character that nobody gave a shit about and made it one of the best MCU movies at the time. We also took one of the best comic book storylines from that era that you're adapting and actually made a good movie out of it. Yeah. Unlike a lot of the other ones. Yeah. Because Winter Soldier was the one that turned me into liking Captain America. I didn't care what they did for Civil War, but I loved Winter Soldier. Yeah, they kind of fucked that up. But that's a different podcast. It's fine. It's fine. That's for when we and Jack finish Star Wars on Hunt Hook Shots
Future Podcast Episodes and Content
01:28:20
Speaker
first, then we'll start MCU from day one. Wow. It's called Marvel Us. I might be on that one. That way we can do this until the day we die. If you're lucky.
01:28:29
Speaker
Suck my dick, bro. Present it, bro. I can't. I can't do it now. So our next episode, the last episode for Superhero Spectacular. lie just have Fucking Whitney's saying ready. Hold up. Superhero Spectacular. There we go. Cool. Perfect. Perfect. ah Will be Batman Forever. Whoo. With Jimmothy Carey. Yeah. And. Tomathe Lee Jones. Tomathe Lee Jones. Yes. And. And those other guys. Valf Valthamer Kilmer.
01:29:05
Speaker
And Chris McDonald, he doesn't get any names. Is it Chris McDonald? Is that right? Yeah, Chris O'Donnell. Chris O'Donnell. Chris McDonald is Shooter McGavin. That's right. i Dude, that's a different Robin. That's a way better Robin somehow. Sure. Sure. He's not doing backflips, but at least I'm watching him. It's not like watching a piece of wood act. Oh, and Derek's fucking favorite actress of all time, Nicole Kidman. Oh God. and I think it's the only movie that I know you walked away from. Was something she was in? The others. The others, dude. Like Derek straight up walked out about that. He did. Oh, I know. I can't stand the cold vitamin. Anyway, you can can't wait to get you back. Batman Forever.
01:29:45
Speaker
And if you subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash worst people, we do mental health movies every month. This month, the episode ties into next week's episode. We will be covering Batman Returns. I'm going to play this fucking podcast like a fucking harp. We've got fucking Danny DeVito. We've got Christopher Walken. Oh, we've got Michael Keaton. Do we? We've got Tim Burton when he made good movies. Yeah, we've got all of it. Michelle Pfeiffer. Michelle Pfeiffer. room Me? Ow. And when I was a kid, I didn't like Michelle Fiverr's performance, because I was like, this is so silly and stupid. Why isn't this a Batman movie? It should be serious. Yeah. I take my Batman rules serious. Christopher Nolan's not available yet, dude. But as an adult, I'm like, dude, that girl is fucking putting in work on a stupid movie that's awesome. She was sewn into that suit. And she farted. The whole thing falls apart. It falls apart by the end of the movie, so she must have been farting a lot. She was ripping queefs.
01:30:45
Speaker
But that's patreon patreon dot.com slash worst people you get that plus like five other episodes at this point early access to han took shots first Other stuff coming down the pipeline as long as you subscribe because it's for you patreon people Oh, yeah, and future patreon people not so much former patreon people Sorry, fucks. You can get more of us there, and on our website, badmoviesworsepeople.com, send us an email, badmoviesworsepeople at gmail.com, recommend a movie, tell us why we're wrong, do whatever you want. We'll read it on the air. Say hi. Just send me an email that says hi. Tell me you love my voice. Tell me what voices I have that are dumb. Tell me what voices I have that aren't dumb. I love you, Heather. Yeah, and whichever one you say is dumb, he'll do more of. You spoiled it. Oh, boy. I'll peek behind the curtain.
01:31:31
Speaker
peek at my sausage being made. But that's it for this week. I've been Derek. I'm still Whitney. I drew a cat. Yeah, well, thank God that's over.
01:32:06
Speaker
You know what you gotta worry about? Me doing a fucking beat exit. It wasn't gonna fucking hate me. A what? Bean accent? A bean accent. A bean accent. It's not good. It's beat. Instead of beady consent. You accepted to the line. The first time I heard it, I heard a bean accident. And I A bean accident. I shit my pants. Ah, the doctors, you were, you were molded by, adapted, born into it. the point You know, it was born in Mordor. Oh God, we were both you fuck off.