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Kicking It with Krys: Singleness, Valentine's Day, and Learning How to Dance
27 Plays4 months ago
Valentine's Day often symbolizes love and connections. For singles, however, it can often be a reminder of the desire for love, frustration, joy, and everything in between. In this honest conversation about navigating unmet expectations, desires for marriage, and being willing to look goofy on the dance floor, my hope is that, regardless of your relationship status, you will be brave enough to try something new, allow yourself to fully experience where you are in the present, and see how far you have come.
To learn more about United Not Uniform, check out unitednotuniform.com!
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Transcript
Lifestyle Shifts and Ministry Beginnings
00:00:51
Speaker
Hi everyone, it feels like it's been forever since we've been able to come together and chat. I have been enjoying this time of rest, being able to
00:01:07
Speaker
You know, I wish I could say I was like still for most of it and that would not be true and I'm not gonna lie to y'all. But I found, especially at the start of the year where it feels like so much has happened already and we are only in the month of February, that it's causing me to shift and live differently.
00:01:25
Speaker
So let me give you an example. So at the end of January, I really felt prompted to um invite others in to pray over this ministry. Now, ah for those of you guys who have been listening to the podcast for some time,
00:01:42
Speaker
You've probably heard me mention how this podcast is growing into a larger ministry, um where the hope is not only continuing to produce content for you all um on relevant topics and inviting guests and having conversations about faith and culture identity and how it all intersects.
00:02:02
Speaker
but also wanting to work with other churches seeking to become ah more diverse and multicultural, um to reach their communities in new ways and to build bridges, while also empowering the creatives to pursue their craft um and reminding them of the valuable place they play within the body of the church.
00:02:21
Speaker
And so that's a lot of things ah to be inspired by and to be
Facing Fears and Finding Support
00:02:26
Speaker
entrusted with. And I was realizing a lot of the hesitation in me stepping forward in where God was calling me was because of my own fear. um Already feeling defeated before I even started. That's real. I don't know about you all or if you guys have been in a similar situation. It can be very easy to feel that you have failed even before you've gotten started.
00:02:51
Speaker
And so I had this really unique opportunity to invite um my community to come and pray over this initiative, to pray over United Night Uniform. And something happened, y'all.
00:03:03
Speaker
You know, I'm thinking, OK, we have to do this because this is how you launch an initiative. This is like the process and to be strategic. But when I tell you that the Holy Spirit showed up there and I felt so loved and cared for in a way that I hadn't in so long.
00:03:19
Speaker
um Hearing what people had to say about me made the lies that I had been believing. um all the more lies and reminded me of not only what God has entrusted me to steward but also the power that he has given me and the authority that he has given me and so yeah that happened at the end of january and i found myself feeling both encouraged and excited, but in full transparency also hitting an ultimate low. It felt like there was just so much suffering and so much need. I was also navigating my own feelings of expectations and of hope that it made it really difficult to see beyond what I was facing, even after coming out of this amazing and powerful event where I was surrounded by community, being prayed over, being reminded of how much not only God believes in me, but those around me.
Community Support and Biblical Reflections
00:04:18
Speaker
And it's just very interesting how perspective can shift so quickly. So many of you may be wondering, like Crystal, are we really going to be like talking about this um during Valentine's Day? Yeah. Yeah.
00:04:36
Speaker
um ah Yeah. Yeah. So if you don't have a Valentine, I'm so sorry. You're stuck with me. I'm your Valentine for today. ah And for those who already do, I pray that there would be something in this conversation for you.
00:04:53
Speaker
And so getting back to what I was saying, there was a shift that needed to happen. It feels like, and I don't know if anyone else can relate, when you've been operating one way for so long, it can be very easy to kind of fall into that same pattern and behavior. um Using the example of the prayer night in the past, I would pray by myself, I would talk to God by myself,
00:05:17
Speaker
but I didn't want to bring forth anything to up my larger community until I felt like it was completed, or that I had followed all the steps, or that it was official and launched and all pristine and put together, and realizing that I needed actually quite the opposite.
00:05:34
Speaker
that going into a season where I felt a lot of discouragement, where I felt defeated, I needed to be reminded of the prayers that others had over me um to remind me what God has not only entrusted me with, um but what he also sees in me and the people that he has around me to help build me up and to carry me and to support me. I often think about I'm doing a Bible recap with a couple of amazing ladies at my church. And shout out to the Black Affinity group woop woop by Faith Group.
God's Presence in Trials
00:06:08
Speaker
And we have been, we've already wrapped up the book of Exodus, but I've been sitting in Exodus for a little bit. There's a lot that happens in that book, ah but the parts that have really been resonating with me have been the moments where God has been so close and intimate.
00:06:29
Speaker
um where even in Moses' weakness and his fear and his doubt, God was very clear about what the next step would look like. He was very clear that he would be with him um and he'd be very clear of the ultimate outcome.
00:06:48
Speaker
And as I'm just reading this, and it's paralleled with just the visible presence of God, whether it was in the clouds by day or a fiery pillar at night, or how he pulled back the sea so they could walk through in dry land, um how he produced bread in the dew.
00:07:10
Speaker
It is just a reminder of how amazing God is, um but also how easily it is to forget the intimacy that we have access to.
00:07:23
Speaker
Now, um yeah, I'm in a particular time where God feels far.
00:07:37
Speaker
Now I know he's not. I'm reading a scripture, I'm reading his word, I'm seeing all the ways that he is present and wanting to hear from him and be close to him. But I'm also honest about where I am sitting right now in the expectations that I had and I had hoped for that didn't pan out how I wanted or the promises that still feel unfulfilled, the overextension and exhaustion that I feel, ah and the need to pursue rest
00:08:14
Speaker
and peace regardless of what my situations look like. Now that sounds good on paper and even as I say it out loud like oh yeah that's exactly what I need to do. But you all know in the midst of the storm and especially a storm where it feels where it's been ongoing and the waves are not as um
00:08:42
Speaker
It's not as apparent, right? It's almost like I'm swaying, but it's a constant sway, right?
Embracing Singleness and New Experiences
00:08:52
Speaker
And so I say all this, leading up to Valentine's Day, ah to you know your fellow single who desires for marriage, who desires for a future family, and A lot of the the shift that has happened in realizing the need for community, in realizing the need to not only communicate what I need, but and to invite others to to love on me as well. It's also trying new things. Now, singles, I need y'all to bear with me, because yes, I'm a single talking about singleness on Valentine's Day, so like hear me out before you before you skip.
00:09:33
Speaker
Typically in the past what I would do for Valentine's Day is you know, I would either take myself out on my own date Or I would hang out with all my other single friends and it'd be don't get me wrong. It'd be so much fun. We um would have an awesome party. We would just spend time in community and being reminded of the friendships and the relationships we get to be thankful for and grateful for. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying anything is wrong with that. And it's actually encouraged and blessed me in so many ways and in so many seasons, especially being sick earlier this week and and just being checked on and loved on by so many women in my community who just love on me so well.
00:10:16
Speaker
But I also realized, as someone who online dating is just not her jam, um I even tried switching phones with a friend and we would swipe for each other. And I was a little salty because the people that she got versus the people that I got were not the same. You know, we're not judging men solely by their picture, but I'm just saying.
00:10:37
Speaker
um and even some of the descriptions for the profiles, I feel like that's a whole other tangent with online dating. It's a bit rough. um And so knowing that that that's not the avenue I want to go to, go through. I work at a church where everyone is already married. I tend to um serve in a church where there are a lot of mainly couples. um If I'm going to meet someone and I don't wanna do online, I need to be in places to also meet people.
00:11:10
Speaker
You know, it's not rocket science, but it, you know, is terrifying still nonetheless, which is a wild. And so my sister found this great opportunity and I'm actually on my way there tonight. So I'll have to do a follow-up episode of how it goes. um But part of a part of the shift in realizing I can invite others in and get to be poured into is also breaking down some of the walls that I built up for my own comfort.
00:11:39
Speaker
And that's been, you know, as someone who desires to be married to date and to do all those things, I am, I've also become very comfortable in singleness and I'm not saying I really hope y'all hear me. I'm not saying that we don't get to be content in our singleness, that single that singleness is not, singleness is just as important important as being married, right? there is a ah There's a lot of formation, there's a lot of things that happen in your singleness, just like there's a lot of things that happen in marriage and two people becoming one, right? I do think as a,
00:12:17
Speaker
larger thing marriage tends to get elevated over singleness especially within the context of the church which is a whole other thing that we need to unpack and kind of do a deeper dive in um but as someone who has been single for quite some time and desires to date but does not make herself available to go on dates It hurt me to say, if you're listening and that sounds like you, I'm so sorry. Men and women, we we may desire certain things, but it can be very easy to come up with all the excuses in the world while your couch and the TV show you've been dying to see are the best places to be, as opposed to being uncomfortable.
Rediscovering Joy and Authenticity
00:13:06
Speaker
And so here I am, all dressed up, ready to go um to an event where it is for singles and for couples, ah where we're going to be learning different dances. And it's an idea where, you know, if you're a couple, it's like a great date. If you're a single person and you want to learn new dances, it's a great activity to do. But it's very uncomfortable.
00:13:28
Speaker
Y'all, I don't dance. you know I can do, I know where the beat is. I can do my little shuffle, but you know ah it ain't me, right? And ah so here I am on a day that typically um I try to minimize or escape because I desire something different.
00:13:48
Speaker
ah I am throwing myself into new experiences with my three left feet.
00:13:58
Speaker
And you know as much as it would have been easy to say no, um use the excuse that I live ah further than a lot of my community, um I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna try something new. I might look goofy. I might miss steps.
00:14:19
Speaker
But in my in my attempt to protect myself, I realized that I had stopped living. I had stopped having fun. I had stopped playing. I had stopped experiencing joy. Everything became so serious. And my main focus solely became work, school,
00:14:49
Speaker
and starting ah this ministry. Now they're very good and noble things to focus on, but I'm so grateful that I serve a God that allows me to be so much more. I serve a God that allows me to be goofy and corny and really love puns. I serve a God that allows me to grieve, weep, and lament for the things that I wish to see in my life, um for the brokenness I see around me and the suffering I see around me, and I don't have to be rushed from that. And I'm so grateful for the victory and the promises and all of the things that God has said over me in my life to come to full fruition. And I get to experience all of those things at the same time.
00:15:39
Speaker
Now I'm not saying, you know, if you're in a season where, you know, you really need to spend some alone time going out and putting yourself out there is not the season that you're in. I still hope that you hear there's something in the gift of realizing that there's something going on internally. And what I mean by that is that there's a disconnect.
00:16:02
Speaker
ah My counselor very wisely put her, she was like, Crystal, it feels like you're angry. And I was like, why am I angry? Like I feel great, I'm smiley, all these things. But when I was honest about the pain that I had experienced in this season of not only waiting, um but not having things that I hoped for come come to fruition, or even in starting a ministry seeing how hard it is, how lonely it can be. um
00:16:39
Speaker
Yeah, that's not what you expect, right? Or that's not what it looks like. It's so easy to compare ourselves to the people who have what we desire to envy the things that those around us have. And what I'm asking as I'm preparing to make a fool of myself on the stand floor,
00:17:02
Speaker
is that we'd be willing to acknowledge honestly and truthfully how we feel and how we are coming into a moment to not rush from that feeling, but also not to run from it. It's a weird thing. We don't want to sit in it. We don't want it to consume us. But I feel like if we learn how to sit in grief, if we learn how to
00:17:32
Speaker
acknowledge the things that hurt us or that are painful.
Growth Through Adversity
00:17:38
Speaker
We can realize and see the things that we do have power over. I can't make my future husband appear, but I can get back to that version of myself that love to try new things.
00:18:03
Speaker
Y'all, I even did swing dancing, I'm thinking about it now back in college and I was not good, but I loved it. Because it was something about being willing to learn, being willing to look funny, being willing to not try to people please and to make others happy or to put on a facade of how I felt like I should look or appear. I got to just be me in that moment. My goofy, corny,
00:18:33
Speaker
fun, compassionate self.
00:18:41
Speaker
So Valentine's Day may feel like a weird day to want to rediscover, um want to both grieve and celebrate and experience something new. But I encourage you, more than just a day And more than just the season that you are facing, there is a person that is being formed. There's a person that in their situation and in what you're facing, you are being refined and you are becoming more of the person God is calling you to be. That doesn't mean it's not painful. That doesn't mean that we don't get to grieve. We put on a fake smile that
00:19:32
Speaker
The refinement is just easy and it doesn't hurt when it doesn't break us.
00:19:43
Speaker
And rather than just focusing on the end result, can we learn to embrace the journey itself? Can we learn to celebrate the things that used to overwhelm us that now we find ourselves standing on solid ground?
00:20:02
Speaker
Can we look and see how more in tune we are with ourselves as we are growing and learning and adapting to a world that is constantly changing?
00:20:17
Speaker
Can we pray for more capacity, not only to be aware of how we feel ourselves, but to make room for others' pain, difference, and the things that break their hearts?
00:20:32
Speaker
I think we can do it. If I can get my butt on the stance floor and hopefully find the rhythm, then you can too.
00:20:48
Speaker
What we see is not all there is. And as someone who, even though I had been focused on good things,
00:20:59
Speaker
I was denying the parts of me that was suffering. I was denying the parts of me that felt crushed.
00:21:11
Speaker
And I'm not saying that going out and dancing or trying something new is going to make those feelings go away.
Living Authentically and Creating New Memories
00:21:18
Speaker
Rather, i'm I'm taking all of that with me. But by knowing truly what is going on, it's allowing me to live more fully in who God is calling me to be and who I am becoming.
00:21:40
Speaker
My counselor had mentioned, and I'd like to leave you guys with this one, that there's something about adversity in the situations that we face that allow us to meet ourselves.
00:21:59
Speaker
And sometimes we don't like what we see. Sometimes we're surprised by how strong or what we've overcome. Sometimes we are reminded of old patterns and ways in which we try to protect ourselves, especially when we are afraid or defeated. I know that that was me. And I wish I could tell you, Oh, okay, cool. I've seen this about myself. I fixed it. And now I'm all together. No, not at all.
00:22:29
Speaker
But in being honest with myself, I find that I'm able to experience everything more authentically and honestly, and to treat myself more gently.
00:22:48
Speaker
Instead of feeling shame over the projects I haven't completed and the ever-growing to-do list, I can acknowledge how I am grieving, I can acknowledge how I feel defeated and pray that God will meet me there and pray that God will give me the strength, that He would open my eyes to see the things that I cannot see.
00:23:30
Speaker
So I pray that you are able to have that revelation too, even if it's on a day that for many of us may be hard or remind us of disappointments. Let's make new memories where we are able to come honestly and boldly with however and whatever we are feeling so that we can surrender it to a God who cares and is near us.
00:24:03
Speaker
And so that as we are navigating the feelings that we experience, not running from them, experiencing them, we can make room for new memories, new emotions, new hopes, or maybe even revised hopes.
00:24:27
Speaker
One of the things that I have grieved in my singleness is a lack of companionship, ah where I come home after a hard day of work, I've been fighting through traffic, and for those of you who live in the DMV, you fight your way through traffic, especially in Maryland. And I come home to a house that is empty, no shade to my cats, but you know, lights are off,
00:24:58
Speaker
And it can be it can be sad. I can feel sadness in those moments. But then when i get to um when I get to hang out with friends or people who get me, I'm able to experience a type of joy and excitement and a level of being seen that would not compare. That I honestly don't have the words for it.
00:25:43
Speaker
And i that depth of emotion that I'm able to experience is only because I was willing to embrace the fact that I felt lonely in an empty in an empty house. That I needed community.
00:25:58
Speaker
and that when I asked for it, people showed up.
00:26:06
Speaker
So ask. Don't be afraid to ask. Don't be afraid to reach out. Don't be afraid to try something new and to let down walls that you felt like were protecting you or maybe they did for a season but are now starting to become a hindrance.
00:26:28
Speaker
If I can do it, you can too. And I cannot wait to hear about the stories that we'll get to experience, the new memories that we will make together as we're learning how what does it look like to live more fully knowing that we are seen, known, and loved.
00:26:54
Speaker
Thanks so much for listening, and I'm glad to be back. Remember that there is more than enough space for you to be seen, known, and loved. I'll see you next time.