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Why Boundaries Are Essential Part 2!
37 Plays1 year ago
Join us for a follow-up episode to our conversation on boundaries! Sequins Camille Gooding, my spiritual Big Sis, returns to continue an honest conversation on boundaries and emotions, communicating our needs and how we can practically apply this to our lives.
If you have questions or would like to submit topics to discuss on the podcast, please contact me at unitednotuniform@gmail.com!
Please note: We will be releasing episodes every other Friday in 2024! So make sure you follow the show!
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Transcript
Introduction to United Not Uniform
00:00:01
Speaker
You are listening to the United Not Uniform podcast. I'm your host, Crystal. The purpose of this podcast is to have intentional spaces that allow and celebrate difference, difference of opinion, experience, and more. In this podcast, we will truly be able to hear and see one another even when we disagree.
Embracing Silence and Communication
00:00:22
Speaker
What would it look like if we were truly able to see one another? To set aside fear, insecurity, and doubt? To be willing to embrace the silence and let words carry their full weight? If that sounds fun, or at least a tiny bit interesting, you are in the right place.
Topics and Laughter Ahead
00:00:42
Speaker
Together, we will grow as we focus on different topics, hear other stories, and have a few laughs along the way.
00:00:50
Speaker
Welcome to United Not Uniform, where there is more than enough space for us to be seen and to see others.
00:00:57
Speaker
Amen. So many of you will recognize that familiar voice as our own sequins.
Boundaries: Feedback and Challenges
00:01:06
Speaker
Yes, I'm back. And so we are so excited to have you with us again. Thank you. And there was just so much that we talked about with boundaries. And I hear that there's more on your heart that you would love to share with us. So
00:01:22
Speaker
Let's go ahead and kick it off. OK, well, thank you all for the wonderful feedback that we got from listening to the show. That was very, very encouraging. And I just felt like there were so many other things that we could have added, like, oh, I forgot to talk about this. Oh, I forgot to talk about that. So I'm really excited to be back. I have a few more ideas. So if you're ready, we can kick it off.
00:01:52
Speaker
I'm ready. OK, OK. So but before we get started, and I know this is your show, I just want to honor you and say what an amazing experience it was last time recording with you. We had so much fun. We had so much fun. It was so long. And I sent this to my therapist, and she was like, OK, yes, you are correct. This is long, so I'm not going to listen to all of them. I know a lot of people. They were like, because I thought about it. I was like, oh, I should probably break it up.
00:02:21
Speaker
but it was just so good it was so good it was so good it was so good so boundaries oh my gosh i feel like ever since we recorded my boundaries have been being tested oh really yes okay yes yes um i wouldn't liken it to anything like spiritual warfare to be honest right but i think it's more along the lines of
00:02:45
Speaker
Am I standing on business? You know what I mean? Am I standing on business, which is like the new saying
Respecting Boundaries for Self-Wellbeing
00:02:50
Speaker
in social media. So everything that I essentially shared, am I practicing what I shared? Am I practicing like these are my guidelines. These are my parameters. So I've really been a lot more.
00:03:07
Speaker
cognizant of my boundaries. I have lost some friendships. Yes, that has been very hard. I've been grieving them, you know, going through the process. But I think
00:03:24
Speaker
It's okay. It's okay because we put our boundaries in place to be respected, to love others well, but to love ourselves, you know, first and foremost. So I really wanted to talk about boundaries with time. I don't think we got to that last time. So
00:03:46
Speaker
you definitely encouraged me to set some boundaries this weekend oh oh that's right that's right yes and you were like you can set boundaries with me too and i was like
00:04:02
Speaker
I know. But this is what I need. So the day just did not go the way that I anticipated. And it really just started with me getting my hair done, touched up. Yeah, because it's cute. OK, thanks. I got the braids. We'll paint a picture. Thank you. Beautiful, long braids. Yes, beautiful, long, knotless braids down to my waist. But I got them touched up in what I thought would be a two-hour gig. Yeah.
00:04:32
Speaker
Ended up being too
00:04:36
Speaker
hours that turned into two and a half that turned into three that turned into more than that. And so I was really thrown for a loop. And because I knew I was in the area, I wanted to run. I was in a specific area. I wanted to run errands. I wanted to do this. But also I know if you are taking time out to create amazing content for the world, I want to show up and be prepared and be on the right headspace. And I felt like I was just
00:05:06
Speaker
forcing to make it work. And so I think this is an issue that we have really living in DC or the DMV where we either don't want to cancel because people cancel all the time or we don't want to let people down.
00:05:22
Speaker
But when you gave me that out, I really, really appreciated that. And so I was able to get all the things done that I needed to. I ended up having a great day despite everything being thrown off.
Time Management and Friendship Impact
00:05:36
Speaker
That's what I was hoping. Yes. So setting boundaries with my time, I think really started several, several years ago.
00:05:47
Speaker
So, I don't know if you remember, but I would like map out the whole month and I would make sure I had at least one week in a month where I had no responsibilities or no commitments. Okay, let me just paint a picture for y'all. Okay, okay. So we would, like again, picture younger Crystal, not very spiritually mature, very new, right? And wanting to hang out with the one and only sequence,
00:06:11
Speaker
And she pulled out that phone, and we were talking months in advance, when you would be free. Because you did not play when it came to protecting at least one weekend where you were able to disconnect. Yes. And then it turned into, okay, well, can I have a week where I didn't have any added commitment?
00:06:35
Speaker
for example if there was a staff meeting at work or if we had bible study right that's already on the docket right like that's already on the books i'm gonna keep those commitments but i wouldn't add anything else on top of that and it would really give me freedom and space to
00:06:52
Speaker
regroup, relax, relate, release, all the things that I needed to do essentially to recharge. And there would be times where people would say like, oh, but I want to hang out with you or oh, can you help me with this? And it's like, I'm sorry, that's my protected time. Like I would even have it mapped out on my calendar and my phone. And there was some funny way that I will put it like,
00:07:17
Speaker
do not make any commitments or or or um like your time only and i would show that to people like i would literally show them my calendar like i'm sorry this week i can't yeah i'm booked because i need to take care of myself so i think
00:07:34
Speaker
creating boundaries for your time really helps because it gives you an opportunity to recharge. Whether you're extroverted or introverted, we all need time to recharge, right? Yes, and I'd love to. There's so many things I'm going to add because I just love when we come together. So first, I love what you shared about even that interaction that we had because it was also a time for me and I've shared this in the latest episode or last week's episode of the podcast about how
00:08:02
Speaker
i lost my voice so i couldn't even record if i wanted to right now that's a whole other story of like some zachariah out here and speaking at your own blessing you want to hear more about that go to the previous episode um but
00:08:16
Speaker
being able, I just think what you shared is so important about not wanting to let people down, not wanting to be one foot in and one foot out. You talked about being in a time where you are letting go of certain friendships and holding on to other ones, right? And so you're being very intentional. Yes. And I think what you shared is also a beautiful way in which we can walk alongside others as they are shaping new boundaries, right? Yes. Because
00:08:45
Speaker
And I think that's just what the beauty is. It's like, at least when I look at our friendship, we can come to this space, however we are, knowing that it's coming from a place of love, that we're going to be accepted. We might be a little corrected, like, girl, that was crazy. That didn't make no sense, right? But it's always in this idea that I know that you have my best interests in mind, right? And vice versa. And I just think it's so important that you surround yourself with people like that.
00:09:11
Speaker
And I just didn't want to overlook that. The other comment you made about whether you were an introvert or extrovert, girl, something happened to me where I realized... Speak on it! Maybe I was never really an extrovert. Let me phrase it a little bit different. I know, she's rolling her eyes out. She's rolling her eyes out. Because let me tell you, my family always makes a joke. They'd be like, Crystal can be up a creek without a paddle and she'll be making a friend.
00:09:39
Speaker
I ran my half marathon, I was out here making friends, so we were running, crying tears. But I'm realizing, and the reason why I say that is, there's been a shift, especially being in a role where you are constantly serving and providing care on a pastoral and very relational level, where I get depleted so easily. And where I used to get energy from
Evolving Emotional Needs and Energy
00:10:01
Speaker
being around other people and doing things, now it's, I wanna sit,
00:10:06
Speaker
on my couch in a dark room and just like not have to do anything, speak anything. It's just like I need not only physical rest, but also just like social rest. And we don't talk about that. Yes, we don't, we don't. And so, okay, you mentioned something. I know, somebody thinks.
00:10:28
Speaker
I'm gonna start writing on my photo note so one thing that you mentioned where you said um you know you can be up the creek without a paddle and you'll make a friend part of me believes that's the two in you ah the helper okay yes wanting to be the helper so we're talking about the enneagram um profile but at the same time you can still be
00:10:50
Speaker
outgoing, bubbly, and wanting to establish and maintain friendships in a certain way and still be integrated because it's how you recharge. Right. And that's what I'm saying. I'm like, oh, there's been a shift. Yes, yes, yes. I didn't know that was possible.
00:11:05
Speaker
Oh, absolutely, especially the older you get too. So I don't want to read. I'm in denial. Y'all, I'm in my 20s. No, baby. You ain't been in your 20s for a couple of years, my love, OK? I'm the one over here pushing 40, but I still look good. Yeah, you do. I got mistaken for a student the other day. Oh, girl. And I break out of elementary school, so you know they made my day. I'm being a little concerned, elementary girl. I'm not a child. You can definitely.
00:11:40
Speaker
But yeah, I just think it is important for you to create boundaries with your time because it's just an additional way that you care for yourself, love for yourself, love yourself, and just get necessary needed time to recharge. That's so, so, so important. And we talked about this in the last podcast too, of how
00:12:05
Speaker
I think we underestimate how hard it is to set the boundaries with the people that we love and we're close to. Yeah, because we don't want to hurt them. And I think that is something that I struggle with, that I'm working through in therapy and Al-Anon.
00:12:27
Speaker
So for example, I am an eight on the Enneagram. I'm a challenger. So conflict is easy for me. I don't mind going against the grain. I don't mind rooting for the underdog or it's just all about justice, right? So whichever side of the arc of justice it bends, I'm gonna go for justice. But
00:12:53
Speaker
If I love you and am in deep relationship with you, it is hard for me to have that tension, have that conflict with you because I love you so much, I don't want to hurt you. And I'm worried that if I hurt you, you may leave me.
00:13:14
Speaker
And that is my own deep buried trauma again that I am working through. Shout out to Ms. Valerie, my therapist. And shout out to therapy in general. Shout out to therapy in general. But it's still healthy for me to set and create boundaries because at the end of the day, what is in my locus of control? Just me and my actions and that's it.
00:13:44
Speaker
You know, what are you thinking? Yeah, there's a lot of things you saw it on my face, too. Yeah. Yeah that oh I don't even know where to start because it's so It goes back to what we're talking about last week of how we're setting these boundaries in the context of relationship. Mm-hmm and
00:14:03
Speaker
What you said about the fear of losing the friendship, I think really resonated with me in a lot of ways. So for me, I know, and again, I'm in the process right now, I shared last week too, I'm in the process of doing a fast. And during this time
Fear and Compromise in Relationships
00:14:21
Speaker
of prayer and fasting,
00:14:24
Speaker
a lot of things that had been underneath had bubbled up to the surface. Which again, it's a gift that you're aware of the different identities or lenses that you've put on and how that's shaping the world, the way in which you see the world or engage with the world. And the biggest one around this, this fear of rejection and abandonment.
00:14:48
Speaker
And I can see in different phases of my life where I've been so desperate to hold on to relationships that if we were honest, we're not healthy. I wasn't healthy, the other person wasn't healthy, it just wasn't good.
Advocating for Oneself in Service
00:15:02
Speaker
But this fear of being alone, like what does that look like, right? And the ways in which I compromised myself and how I viewed myself
00:15:12
Speaker
To be who I thought others wanted me to be right and so like when you're now in a place again a couple years I guess into our 30s I
00:15:26
Speaker
Like, again, it's like a mixture of relearning emotions, relearning what does it look like to give myself grace, relearning what does it look like not only to now have a sense of value and identity in Christ, but to actually live it out in the relationships, especially with relationships where I've changed and others haven't, right? And so it's not from a place of
00:15:51
Speaker
It's not from a place of where I feel like I am better than others, but because I've changed the rules, there's been a shift, right?
00:16:01
Speaker
And it's just difficult to navigate. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I kind of want to lean on that and take it up a notch. Yeah. I sometimes struggle with the line between advocating for myself and setting a boundary in certain settings because I'm worried about the angry black woman stereotype.
00:16:26
Speaker
So for example, just today I had physical therapy and there's been some transition and turnover within the office and so there was a new young lady. She was the physical therapist assistant. So pretty much she's the one that's walking me through my exercises and making sure I'm doing them correctly.
00:16:48
Speaker
and there is a process, right? You come in, you sign in, the receptionist announces, oh, Ms. Gooding is here, and then I go in, I start my exercise on the bike, and then when I finish that, I know what table I'm at, I know what chair I'm at, I can put my stuff, all the materials and items that I need to do my exercises are there. Yes, and that just was not, it was not happening today. It was a little shaky-baky. So I get off the bike, this young lady,
00:17:18
Speaker
does not have a table ready for me or a chair. And I'm ready to work, you know, because I already don't want to be here because I'm sore, I'm in pain. I'm just trying to knock this out. And I want to get home and have my own wussam moment so I can prepare for you all, you lovely listeners. I love how your voice changed, girl.
00:17:38
Speaker
so and she was just like very you know cavalier oh just pick whatever your favorite table and i'm like bruh they're they're like all the same like you tell me
00:17:50
Speaker
Next, half of the items that I needed to do my exercise were not available to me. And she was not checking in with me. I had to continuously ask her or someone else, I need the pad or I need the medicine ball or whatever. I'm getting frustrated on the inside.
00:18:09
Speaker
And my co-payment is not that much, but still, like, I'm here for a reason. And I'm just not appreciating the service. I mean, she's coming off kind of unprepared. Yes. Then I was doing one exercise and she shouts from across the room, like sequence. First of all, ma'am, you may not use my first name. Okay.
00:18:31
Speaker
Sorry. I am Miss Gooding. I felt that. I felt like her. She just shouted from across the room to tell me how to correct the exercise that I was doing. From across the room? From across the room. From across the room. And I'm sitting there and I'm getting anxious. I'm getting tense. I'm getting hot. And I said,
00:18:55
Speaker
why are you feeling this way? Because there's an unmet need. I don't feel like I'm being cared for. I don't feel like I'm being serviced. She's flirting and talking to Jake with the beautiful blue eyes. Okay, fine. And then helping other people who, you know, may not look like me. So I said, you can either
00:19:17
Speaker
just let it go, come back and hope you don't get her, or you can talk to a person that you feel like you have a good relationship with at this, you know, location and say, hey.
00:19:31
Speaker
I don't know what my options are because you are providing a service to me and I understand I come for a scheduled time that may vary week to week. However, I would not like to work with this specific person again. Would you like me to share why?" And she was very receptive and she said, yes, please share why, but even no, if you don't,
00:19:55
Speaker
I still will not put you on her schedule anymore. Oh, wow. That's good. Yes. And so I gave her three reasons as to why I no longer wish to work with this person. I said I will continue the session because I only have 10 minutes left. It was just like, oh, it's time to get my my ice or whatever.
00:20:14
Speaker
then i was sad and sorry i did that because the woman forgot about me i had to take my own eyes off i had to turn my own timer off what but i let me truncate this okay i am sharing this to say
00:20:29
Speaker
the old me just would have suffered silently because i didn't want to like kick up a fuss or kick up a ruckus or be labeled as an angry black or disgruntled woman but i said how can i maturely and spiritually handle this because i don't want to be in this position again because then i'm just gonna stop coming and i know i really need to go to physical therapy
00:20:53
Speaker
And thankfully, the beautiful, lovely Miss Carla looked out for me. She heard all of my concerns. Oh, and another concern was she wasn't like spraying down the stuff after people was using it. Exactly. Come on. We can't have that. So now what Miss Carla does with that information is above me at this point. But I feel proud of myself for the growth of advocating for myself and finding the appropriate words
00:21:20
Speaker
confidence and way to set that boundary. I don't want to work with her anymore. I want to keep coming here. Anybody else but her. Yeah. Ooh. Because it's like one claps for sequence. Thank you.
Understanding Emotions and Self-Worth
00:21:36
Speaker
Excuse me. Claps for Miss Gooding.
00:21:40
Speaker
Because that is not easy to do. And I'm sorry, it is the year 2023. Can we all just acknowledge the fact that we all feel emotions? Yes. And that, yes, there are going to be times where I'm angry. There's spicy crystal. Yes. It's there. Oh, yeah. I know. I feel that my sister listened to that. So she's going to be like, absolutely. And that
00:22:05
Speaker
in our in our efforts you have to act a certain way you have to be not good but better excellent yeah because everything is counting against you right yes and being in that narrative being in that pressure you start to
00:22:21
Speaker
see things through the lens of you are never going to be enough, right? And so I love what you said about like taking that time to say, what is it I need? And so I guess my question would be for someone who maybe they're hearing this and they're realizing, oh my gosh, I do that. I still am monitoring my emotions. And again, I want to clarify being able to control your emotions and not pop off. Like all of us should be striving for that. What we're talking about is
00:22:49
Speaker
something more institutionalized and systemic than as a result of the society or culture that we live in, right? But my question is,
00:23:00
Speaker
For someone who is just newly leaning into thinking about what they need, like what is that process or that journey like? Like how do you even unpack that? Oh, great question, because it is not linear. It's not a straight line. We might have some zigzags, we might have some loops, we might have a couple step backs, but I think it is,
00:23:29
Speaker
taking time to ask yourself why. So one of my first therapists asks me to read a book by Tara Brock. And I don't remember the correct title, but it's something along the lines of radical acceptance. And it's a four hour audio book. I think it only comes as an audio book or on a CD and it's four hours. And the crux I know.
00:23:56
Speaker
Sorry. It is not new. But the crux of it is asking yourself why. So I'm, I'm angry that my partner left the milk out. Why? Because I don't want to always have to be the one to put it up.
00:24:12
Speaker
Why? Because it's not fair. He should put it up. Why? Because I need him to be responsible. Why? Because I'm tired of being the only one responsible in this household. Why? Because we both live here. We both cohabitate. We both pay for the groceries. Why can't he see? Just put the milk up. Why? Because I don't want to feel like I'm the only one carrying the load for maintaining the house.
00:24:40
Speaker
and that I'm here alone even though I'm with someone. So getting down to the why and a lot of times it is due to an unmet need and if you can identify okay what is the unmet need
00:24:58
Speaker
And then if someone needed to talk to me about this, what are the words and phrases I would want them to use to me and not saying that you have to sugarcoat it, right? Because sometimes you need to be honest, you know, there's a way to do everything with love and kindness. Okay. Um,
00:25:18
Speaker
But you can't ask the Holy Spirit for discernment. You can ask the Holy Spirit to give you the words to speak. You can't pretend as if you are speaking to yourself or your best friend or your own child even. And use that to sort of create the words and the phrases to get your point across without seeming harsh. Yeah. When you were talking about the importance of asking why, my immediate reaction
00:25:48
Speaker
You might laugh at this teaching at an elementary school, but like how kids often ask that question, why? And it can be so exhausting, but there's so much, I'm a big believer, I mean, it's all throughout scripture. There's so much that we can learn from our children and how they view the world, how they engage with it, how humble they are, right? And to ask yourself that why, because I was so shocked
00:26:12
Speaker
Even when I think about myself, when I'm feeling all of these emotions in real time, and they're going to be sometimes where it just comes out, right? You're not able to process in real time in a way that it's always honoring not only for yourself, but for others. And that's the part about being human, right? We're not going for perfection. And hopefully those that you were with, there is grace, there's understanding, right?
00:26:39
Speaker
But being able to articulate that specific need is so much harder than we realize. And so I feel like the way in which you ask those questions, ask that question of why and when you get to that moment, it's like.
Journey of Self-Awareness and Advocacy
00:26:55
Speaker
That's how I feel. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely, absolutely. And it can, it's almost like a breakthrough every time because you're really being honest and raw with yourself, you know? But then, you know how they say knowing is half the battle? Yeah.
00:27:14
Speaker
Think it's less than that I think knowing is just like 10% of the battle because the work that you have to do once You know is so much harder. It's not sexy. It's not fun. You know and Just trying to be a decent human being it's hard Choosing to Be quiet
00:27:41
Speaker
wait for the right time to go in and speak with the receptionist as opposed to confronting the young lady like why are you not over here helping me or why wasn't my stuff ready? I don't want to sound prude or like a princess or entitled like my stuff is supposed to be I'm supposed to have a tip you know I don't want it to come out any of those ways and then I realized it's not even her that I need to address right it's not even her that I need to address I'm gonna
00:28:11
Speaker
address the correct person and just, you know, hope that it goes over well. And it really did. It was, it was a success. But again, going back to your previous question, it is not linear. It is a hubble blub of a tangled, messy headphones that you
00:28:33
Speaker
put it in your luggage and then try to get out and they're all tangled and you got to figure it out and take your time. Like you really have to take your time with being able to identify who you are, how you feel, why you feel that way, and then what do you need to not happen again? That's where your boundaries come in so that you are not put in that position to feel that way. Oh, that's so good. And as you're doing all of this, it also requires, like you said, I love what you said about how it's really only 10 percent.
00:29:03
Speaker
Yes, I feel too cuz I'm likely we're still learning exactly and but it is an unlearning process and when I think about it Again part of the fast different words that came up in the fast that I'm doing is called Year of the bride I want to get credit to our credits to my prophetess Tiffany Montgomery but When you're thinking of that unlearning I
00:29:30
Speaker
You don't realize how many things you've put on that you think is making you stronger. And so even in that moment where you discerned, my need right now is not going to be met by this woman who honestly is providing terrible service. Correct.
00:29:51
Speaker
but there are ways in which I can make sure that my needs are being met going forward, right? And so, but like that requires a shift, right? Pulling out the eight, the challenger, loving conflict, right? Sometimes we've just been so wired and so, I know for me, let me speak for myself and not just in general.
00:30:14
Speaker
there are some times where I just feel like you were constantly either having to be the bigger person, you were constantly having to be not a literal punching bag, but you just take in everybody else's mess, that sometimes you do just want to fight, right? But at the end of the day,
00:30:32
Speaker
that is not, one, aligning you with who you are becoming in Christ, right? Or who God is calling you to be. And that almost requires a shift in where you are placing your trust. So like, am I trusting that
00:30:50
Speaker
Even though I'm doing what's best for me at this moment, that whoever or whoever is doing and operating in that space that the Lord will handle, that's hard. It's hard, especially when it's not in the way that you want. Yes. Oh, that's good. I felt convicted while you were talking. You hit something there. You hit something there.
00:31:15
Speaker
Work was very challenging yesterday. Work was very challenging and some other personal things going on where I just needed a break. I felt like the walls were closing in.
00:31:31
Speaker
I do suffer from anxiety, but it is managed very well right now. Praise the Lord. Amen. Because that was a journey too. Yes, that was a long journey, like journey to the center of the earth.
00:31:48
Speaker
But I could feel some of the triggers, some of the signs, felt the walls closing in, and I knew I just needed to step out for a bit. 15 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever. I just knew that I needed to step out because I don't want to lose my cool. I don't want to lose my professionalism. I don't want to lose being the image bearer of Christ that I work so hard. They notify every day, y'all. It's hard.
00:32:17
Speaker
But that is a boundary that I have set for myself. Now, thankfully, I was able to step away, but what do you do if you don't have a job where you can step away? What do you do if you are in an environment where you can't step away? Maybe you go for a walk.
00:32:35
Speaker
around the hallway or you pretend to go to the copy machine or the water cooler, just get up and get moving or you go to the bathroom and flush the toilet and you scream at the top of your lungs while the toilet is flushing, okay? That was me last year. That used to be me last year at work.
00:32:51
Speaker
um so i got some words of wisdom from instagram that i do not remember verbatim and i can't even paraphrase them but essentially i knew i needed to get out of the space that i was in in some way and it really did help recenter me or you know ground me
00:33:14
Speaker
So that is a boundary that I have to keep for myself and it's okay to stop the work. The
Processing Emotions and Feedback
00:33:22
Speaker
work is still gonna be there in 15 minutes or 10 minutes, you know? Unfortunately, the same situation might still be there. But if I could just get a moment to like clear my head and take a breath,
00:33:35
Speaker
and feel you got this, you'll come up with a solution. You don't have to have the solution in this moment. You can marinate on it. Maybe it'll come to you during the night or in the morning. That's fine, but right now you have to care for yourself.
00:33:51
Speaker
That's your boundary. You have to care for yourself and everything will still be there because the world is going to keep spinning on its axis. It is going to keep, you know, in a revolution around the sun. All those things are going to happen. Time is still going to move forward, but you have to make sure that you are caring for yourself. Absolutely. And especially when, Oh, that's so good. Cause I'm even thinking about like, sometimes your silence,
00:34:20
Speaker
When you get an email, you get a message, and you're like, wait, what? Sometimes it's best not to respond. That's correct. In that moment, right? That's correct. And it's not like, again, I'm not talking about being a silence out of being petty, out of being like, OK, check the heart posture. But sometimes,
00:34:37
Speaker
especially if it is triggering in some way. It is important, using the example that you provided us, that you are asking yourself why before you respond, right? Yeah, I just, oh, that's so, so funny. And is what I'm going to respond going to help or harm the situation even further? Right, because it's also, you know, I mean, let's be real, sometimes people don't want to listen. Some people, mine's already made up, right? But I love what you said about at the end of the day,
00:35:07
Speaker
you need to be able to have peace about how you carried yourself that day. Correct. Right. Correct. And it's not about, and I don't want people to hear this and think like, Oh, it's only about me. And that's not what we're saying. But if you did not live in a way that you were proud of. Yeah.
00:35:27
Speaker
Yeah. Right? Yeah. Now it's not from a place of condemnation. Like not all of us have, like all of us don't have the best versions of ourselves every single day. And we all fall short. It's not a crutch. Yeah, but we do happen. We do. Right. And the beautiful thing even in that is that
00:35:47
Speaker
I would hope if I did fall short that I would have people in my corner who know who I'm trying to be holding me accountable and I do the same.
Flexible Boundaries and Communication
00:35:58
Speaker
And that is an act of love. It's not, you know, that I feel like we're going on a different tangent. But I feel like sometimes when we talk about
00:36:07
Speaker
Not just boundaries, but when we talk about how people offer correction. Yes. We take it as an insult. We take it as an attack. And often, honestly, it's really ironing, sharpening iron. And that you are becoming better because of it, right? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I love that. Iron sharpening iron. Yeah.
00:36:29
Speaker
And we just have to be in a posture to receive. Now you can say, you know, maybe this is your boundary. You can say, actually right now I'm not ready to hear feedback or, you know, criticism. That's why I try to always ask my friends, do you want me to listen or do you want me to comment? Oh yeah, that's so good. My response is always both.
00:36:52
Speaker
But really sometimes I'm like, I just want you to say I'm great. And I know. Exactly. So you know what? I tell my therapist all the time, I just need you in a boat with me to say, sequence, you out of control. You're doing too much. You got to paddle back to shore.
00:37:12
Speaker
Nope, you rolling strong and hard against the wind. This is not your fault. I'm here to roll with you. Like, I just need somebody in the boat. I actually got that from the movie Devotion with Jonathan Majors. Let's, you know, lift him up. I don't think I've seen that.
00:37:28
Speaker
oh it is a period piece a wartime drama based on a true story of a black fighter pilot in the navy but he's a pilot integrating essentially in what is an all-white space and what that's like for him and then his co-pilot person
00:37:50
Speaker
is a white gentleman and he is trying to help his counterpart understand we don't go by the same set of boundaries essentially we don't we don't get looked at with the same set of standards i need you to get in the boat with me and see what i'm experiencing yeah so um i took that i took that with me and
00:38:14
Speaker
you know sometimes you do need a boundary against yourself because you might be playing make believe in your head and it's like I can do all these things exactly who needs sleep exactly you and then you might need that friend to say honey you're doing too much you need to take a break or we can reschedule recording this podcast if that works better for you yeah yeah I love it I love it
00:38:43
Speaker
So I want to make sure that we cover everything that was on your heart as we were winding down this episode. Is there anything else that you wanted to share? So I just one piece I want to add in.
00:39:00
Speaker
you do not have to be rigid and marginalized with your boundaries. Okay? You can have some boundaries that are strict. You can have some boundaries that are, I don't want to say loosey goosey, right? Because in our previous episode, we talked about holding a line and being consistent.
00:39:19
Speaker
But I'm talking about honest-to-goodness boundaries that are going to protect you, keep you sane, keep your mental health well, keep your relationship with the Lord strong. But I don't want it to become sort of like a religious thing. Like a legalistic.
00:39:39
Speaker
That is the word that I had on the tip of my tongue, honey, bud. And you got it. So yeah. So that's just one thing I want to leave with the listeners. Um, do not, don't go into it trying to be legalistic, right?
00:39:56
Speaker
Practice the why. Practice the getting to the root of why do I need this boundary? Why am I feeling this way? What is a healthy way to move forward and communicate that, right? Because we talked about setting new boundaries with people that you're already
00:40:15
Speaker
in relationship with in some way. So I think that's very important, but you hit the nail on the head saying the word legalistic. And when all else fails, just pray, you know, just talk to God the same way that we're doing this podcast. Right, you don't have to do it on your own strength, right? And for those who maybe they are wrestling with God, maybe they don't know this whole like, well, I don't know about what
00:40:42
Speaker
Christian is or someone who follows Christ and rely more on what they see in the news and what they maybe have personally experienced. I mean, like I always say, if you ever have questions, if you ever want to wrestle, like reach out to us. More than how we do this, this is what this space is for and how we engage and talk about our different perspectives, our different viewpoints.
00:41:05
Speaker
and maybe we don't always agree, but that we see each other a bit better and clearer, right? Amen. I also loved like everything. Thank you. It's so good. I did want to add
00:41:19
Speaker
your boundaries are going to depend on the relationship,
Adapting Boundaries and Future Plans
00:41:22
Speaker
right? So it's not going to be the same. So I love that you talked about it not being rigid and also it may change based on your season. Exactly. And so there was one time, I can't remember which book, I'm wondering if it was
00:41:38
Speaker
I was like, I'm sorry to that man, because I do not remember that gentleman's name. We wrote that book. It's a book called Boundaries. I see the covers. I got a pencil and a line on it. But even the conversation about what our boundaries should look like, right? And he uses a metaphor of how our boundaries should be when we think of a fence, right? You can see through it. You can control who comes in and out. But there is movement, right? And it may depend on, let's say,
00:42:08
Speaker
taking the metaphor a step further, time of day, if you're familiar with the person, right? And so yeah, I just, I think that that all ties into what we're saying about you're going to figure it out as you go. Yeah. And give yourself permission to figure it out as you go. Give yourself permission to figure it out as you go. Absolutely.
00:42:30
Speaker
Well, thank you so much sequence. I love when you're here. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be back. Yay. So y'all please reach out to us like you did before. I'd love to have sequence as much as she would allow us. But just remember there is more than enough space for us to be seen and to see others. We'll see you all next time. Bye.
00:42:57
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode. It is truly a joy and a pleasure to be able to record these episodes for you all. In this new year, we are going to be transitioning to releasing episodes every other Friday. And I'm just excited about all of the exciting content we have.
00:43:16
Speaker
a lot of the guests that we have coming, so please, please, please, if you have topics that you would like us to cover, ideas that you would like to share, please reach out to me at the United Not Uniform podcast email, and it's unitednotuniform, all spelled out, at gmail.com. All right, looking forward to this new year with you all.