End of Year Reflection
Holiday Emotions
00:00:49
Speaker
Happy Friday, everyone. So I'm so glad to be with you all on our last episode for 2024. I still can't believe we're already at the end of this year. Like where has the time gone?
00:01:04
Speaker
um so today you're gonna be kicking it with me ah and for this episode I really wanted to lean into how we are preparing for the holidays I know for some of you guys you're already full in holiday mode many of you guys um like myself are still wrapping up last-minute shopping um but I there's just also something that's going on in In addition, it's like everything is joyful. There are tons of lights. We're thinking about gifts. um But then there's also like the underside of it of there's a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress.
00:01:43
Speaker
um For those who have experienced loss, there's grief. For those who, um like myself, who thought this time of year would look a little bit differently, there's also that that grief and that lamenting that takes place. um And so all of these feelings,
Turning 30: Changes and Discoveries
00:01:59
Speaker
all of these emotions are happening at the same time, in the same season. um And yes, that's life, but there's just also something significant about it being this time of year.
00:02:10
Speaker
um As we are in the Christmas season, for those who don't celebrate Christmas, there's other holidays around this time as well too. um But then even going into the new year of the hope, the what will this new year bring, um all of the things that kind of felt like they needed to be carried over from the past year. and so There's a lot of ah strong emotions, there's a lot of like things underneath the surface that I feel like ah we all are carrying. um And so if that's you, know that you're not alone, I'm right there with you. um But I figured let's just be honest and let's just talk about it, right? ah So in one of the blog posts that I'm working on, hopefully it will go out on Monday, um but I talk about, you know,
00:02:59
Speaker
I'm about to turn 34 and ah what life has looked like in my 30s, especially turning 30 in the middle of the pandemic. There's been a lot of shift, a lot of change. um In my 20s it was definitely a lot more exploration, a lot more um discovering myself, going through hard seasons of not really knowing what I wanted to do or feeling like I was stuck in just kind of going from one thing to the next to like in my 30s even with everything that was happening globally. There was something um
00:03:39
Speaker
There was something special about that time um in having to really evaluate myself, um my dreams, what I wanted to do, and there was a choice of, do I stay in comfort or do I take a risk? And that risk looked like leaving my corporate job. I know a lot of you guys who are listening are like, you did what?
00:04:00
Speaker
My parents were as well. ah It was a shock to everyone, ah but leaving my corporate job to work full-time at a
Embracing Mindfulness over Hustle Culture
00:04:08
Speaker
local church and um and all of the things that came with it from there, like purchasing my first home. like ah Again, like there was just so much favor. God showed up in so many different ways, um but I feel like even in how I started my 30s, it has been just marked by, like, constant change. But then there have been things that haven't changed, right? Like the desire to be married, the desire to be a mother, the desire to... ah There's more God-sized dreams that maybe I'm not quite ready to share quite yet on the podcast.
00:04:47
Speaker
But even with United Not Uniform, like that was a desire and a hope and a dream for quite some time, um even if I didn't really know what it would look like. um I think it was about like three or four years ago, it was just like, I'm called to create space.
00:05:03
Speaker
yeah that's great but like how do you put that on a resume how do you like act make a plan from that um and i think part
Exploring Personal Identity
00:05:11
Speaker
of the constant change in my 30s has also been what does it look like to hold things a lot looser what does it look like to um i i don't want to say go with the flow because i feel like that's not an accurate summary but what does it look like to allow myself to not have to carry everything anymore. And what I mean by that is, I feel like there was a lot of us
00:05:38
Speaker
especially younger millennials, where we were like, we're gonna do all of these things, we have all these plans, we have all these desires, we have all these things we wanna do. um And it was very much like, just grind and you'll hustle and you'll just make it work and kind of being met with the fact and the truth of like, that's not really living, that's not really how I want to be or live.
00:06:01
Speaker
um What does it look like ah to rediscover who I actually am outside of the hustle outside of people pleasing outside of ah People pleasing is a big one. I don't know about you all but people pleasing is a big one that I am in the process of still learning how to surrender um Especially when it comes to my own boundaries and rest But yeah to take the time to relearn who I am and so I shared earlier in an episode about Rediscovering creativity
Being Single during the Holidays
00:06:31
Speaker
and how that's led to a lot of like oh my gosh. I'm actually fun or oh my gosh. I actually I enjoy these things, and it sounds so silly when we when I say it out loud, but like how many of us can relate to that? How many of us have kind of buried certain dreams, um hidden in certain, like and I wouldn't say plans, but hopes, because that's not what we like your situation looked like. That's not what the reality that you thought could could become true.
00:06:58
Speaker
um And so as I'm approaching 34, I think there's a there's a excitement in being able to step more boldly and courageously into who I'm rediscovering myself to be, um learning to ah fall back in love with myself through the eyes of of God. And now for those of you who maybe are Christian, you don't have that that perspective.
00:07:27
Speaker
um I don't want you to tune out. There's still something here for you. I am just speaking about my experience and what loving myself looks like through the lens of my faith. um It may look differently for you. um Yeah. So in all of that, as I've been really laughing deeply, having fun, um making, I think it was my sister. My sister is like wise beyond her years in so many ways, but she's like, Crystal, every time I talk to you, you're either working at like the church or you're in school. She's like, those are the only two things you do.
00:08:16
Speaker
she's like you do the podcast i know you like to write and do poetry on the side but like literally where do you have space in margarine margarine yikes margin just for like you and like to have fun and to play and to all of those other things and so ah These last couple of months have looked like me intentionally making margin, me saying no, um me having to let people down in like people pleasing and not sacrificing myself anymore um in unhealthy ways to, in order for people to like me and or or in order for the narrative in my head,
00:08:57
Speaker
um of whether or not people like me to be fulfilled or satisfied. um And so yeah, it's been a lot of peace that has come from that in being able to just be me and not feel like I'm carrying all these other um identities and pressures and and things, some real, some completely in my head. um Again, like I said, recovering perfectionists in all of the ways.
00:09:25
Speaker
um But as part of there's been that release of allowing myself to truly be honest with myself um There's also come up some of those desires um and those hopes and so, you know, I feel like there's so many like Hallmark movies so many Christmas movies on like I'm single for the holidays and then I run into a stranger and then they turn out to be my soul mate and it all works out and ah You know, when you're you know in your 30s, still single, um you work for a church where everyone is married, for the most part, and you were the only single person. um And it really comes up when you're taking staff photos, for sure, and you're the only person that doesn't have a stat a spouse. It is...
00:10:13
Speaker
um In all honesty, it's just hard. I feel like I left a corporate environment where there were a lot of singles my age who were stra ah striving and and working in their field, but like relationships and dating were a thing, but not really the focus, right? um Whereas where you're in a church where um the solid focus is really on family. And while there's honoring in both singleness and in married status,
00:10:44
Speaker
you're often kind of left as a single person to kind of figure it out by yourself. And especially being a staff person, you're now leading any space that you would for other singles who are navigating the very same things. And so like it's It's hard to navigate. It's hard, especially when, um as there's been so much healing in other areas,
00:11:05
Speaker
part of that healing has been to be very honest about the desires that i have in my heart to be a mother to be married um and as i'm looking at all of the family christmas cards which if you're not from the u.s that's
Christmas Traditions and Future Dreams
00:11:20
Speaker
the thing where people will send you christmas cards of their family and the photos are beautiful and i'm so and happy and so so much of like seeing like new babies being born and like people getting married like Being present with people in their lives as they've made those big decisions But then also grieving the fact that that has not been a prayer I wouldn't say that it's not a prayer that has been answered because not yet is an answer But it's an area that I have yet to experience, right?
00:11:50
Speaker
And so ah cut to me, like we're kind of winding down for the season um for those of you who we also work for churches or serve in high capacity at churches. um This is a very busy season, not only for Advent season, um but oftentimes there'll be like Christmas plays, you've got like little ones involved, all that kind of stuff.
00:12:10
Speaker
um But as the years winding down and things are becoming a little less chaotic, I find myself having to be honest about how I'm feeling. um ah Last night, ah when I was hoping to record this podcast, but again, we're being honest about how we're coming into space and how we're feeling, um I basically had set up my Christmas tree like earlier this week, I think on Monday. Now, what's hilarious is like literally I set up the Christmas tree and I didn't do anything else with it and just kind of stared at a blank tree for like several days. um And I was proud of myself for being able to bring the tree in, like check for spiders, because for those of you who don't know, spiders are like my kryptonite, um especially when they're big. ah I can't, I can't. So like bringing it in, setting it up. And again, I'm doing all of this by myself.
00:13:03
Speaker
And I got to the point last night where I was like, okay, it's literally almost December 20th. I'm gonna have this tree up less than like two weeks. Like I need to decorate it. I'm hosting my sister for Christmas. I'll have my birthday. Like I need to like actually get this done.
00:13:22
Speaker
And there was a moment where it kind of hit me that there was, I just remember um back home when we were, like I lived with my my parents and I was younger, Luther Vandross would be playing in the background, his Christmas tape. Yes, I said tape. I'm a millennial.
00:13:38
Speaker
And I love tapes. That's a sorry quick sidebar. I would go to sleep with like listening to like comedy ah um tapes or ah There's a group called like Spyrogyra I think I think I'm saying that right it didn't matter or earth wind and fire like that was like my jam I would fall asleep to that anyway pivoting back too much information but ah With um with especially around the Christmas tree, I just remember we'd play music, we'd be laughing, we'd be talking about the history of the different ornaments, we'd be talking about you know the milestones and the all of the things that came with each ornament and like from like the ones that we've made for our parents to the ones that they got um when they found out like they were expecting us and things like that. And so there's just a lot of like
00:14:32
Speaker
sweet memories around decorating the tree. um And so here I am looking at my tree and I'm like, I have like the decorations. I've been using the same decorations for years. Aesthetically, it is stunning. I love a good like silver, like rose gold kind of like a combination. If you're like girl that don't match, you just have to take a look. You have to see, you have to see. I promised you it looks so good.
00:14:59
Speaker
um But there aren't those same memories around my tree. There aren't those same um
Seeking Support and Honesty
00:15:09
Speaker
of family gathering around or sharing life or and sharing the past. And I think it just hit me really deeply of the desire and the longing that you know I'd be doing this with my own family. I'd be doing this with my kids and sharing with them um what this ornament meant and why it's my favorite.
00:15:33
Speaker
um Yeah, and I just had to, I honestly just had to sit on the floor and just grieve it. I did, I mean, it was just one of those where,
00:15:47
Speaker
in me really trying to be honest with myself so that ah I can be not only the best version of myself, but just that light like I could just be. um I had to be honest about how I was feeling and how I was coming into this space. And that looked like me sitting with my feelings. It looked like reaching out to friends and just letting them know like, hey, I'm having a really low moment.
00:16:11
Speaker
and them being like we're here we'll hop on the phone whatever you need and to be reminded of the fact that there's so much love there's so much um connection that i've been blessed with in my life um the fact that today i'm gonna we're doing like our own modified christmas um with my parents and my sister um before they head down to my grandmother's and when i have to my sister and i have to work And so like there's all of these like sweet moments that are, again, reminding me of how much I am blessed, how much love is in my life, and I can still also grieve what I had hoped and what I had been praying for, right? You don't have to, it's not one or the other, it's both, right?
00:16:54
Speaker
And I was having this really great conversation about um joy and sorrow. And there's just, again, we want the joy. We want like the, all of the, like both joy, at ah the fruit of the spirit, but also joy, the the the feeling and the emotions of joy. um But joy isn't fully and truly known except in the context of sorrow.
00:17:20
Speaker
Like, for you to know what it's like to feel sorrow and the low points and all of that comes with it makes joy all the more um meaningful, beautiful, profound, and all of those other things. It makes joy more joyful, right?
00:17:41
Speaker
um And so having to sit in that tension, right? And ah so as we are collectively preparing for the holidays, preparing for the season, and many of us are going on break. ah Many of us are traveling to go back home to family. um Many of us maybe are like me and you're staying in the city for the first time. I just want to encourage all of us that We come very honestly, wherever we are. um Whether that's like with me, you have to tell some of your friends that, hey, I'm not doing so hot. I'm actually pretty.
00:18:19
Speaker
I'm feeling pretty low, right? And trust and believe that they'll meet you in that. Just like you would for them, right? Maybe for others, it's um a season of joy and of excitement where things have just finally clicked and worked. And what does that look like to still share that with people and to share life with others and to savor this moment instead of rushing to the next thing, right?
00:18:44
Speaker
My hope um and the whole reason why I wanted to do this podcast is just a reminder that now more than ever in a time where outwardly there's so much joy, there's so much excitement, all of those things that we don't miss in the process of buying the gifts and the tasks and the things that have to be done, that we don't miss people.
00:19:07
Speaker
um There is a ah great podcaster, I'm going to see if I can find the link, I might have to send it in my blog later, ah where she talks about and encourages those who are married to be on the lookout for their single friends and those who are single to check in on their married friends.
00:19:25
Speaker
um And of course singles checking on, other singles of
Faith and Community Support
00:19:28
Speaker
course too. But this idea that if we're not careful, we can completely miss each other. We can completely miss what's happening in each of our worlds.
00:19:41
Speaker
because it goes beyond just what we put on social media. It goes beyond gifts. It goes beyond presents. It goes beyond all of those things. And um for those who also are ah believers and believe in Christ, we're aware of the significance of the season in our need for a savior in the sacrifice and the humility that he took to come to us as a child.
00:20:04
Speaker
um and to live the life that He did so that we can have full life and true life. ah This is a season of profound and deep meaning as we are also um hopeful for when Christ will come again. um And so there's just, I just wanted to name the fact that there's so much happening spiritually, physically, emotionally, um during the season.
00:20:28
Speaker
And that now more than ever, it's so important for us to be connected. It's so important for us to be honest. I'm telling you, I'm speaking to the other crystals out there who you're carrying it by yourself. You have to be honest. You have to. Because I promise that life becomes um
00:20:53
Speaker
There is joy, I'll phrase it this way, there is so much joy in being able to release the things that we have carried for so long. Now, even if the situation doesn't change, there are still um times where, you know, doubt creeps in for me as I'm, you know, ah like I'm now in a season where I go to the doctor and, um, me desiring to be a mother or, and all of that, it's a different conversation in my thirties. Once you hit my thirties, it's.
00:21:23
Speaker
Do we need to had have a conversation about freezing eggs in a couple of years? Do we need to, like life just looks different. It does and it's hard, it's hard. um But just like a friend reminded me, she was like, why are you acting like all because you're not married, that there aren't people who wouldn't drive you to doctor's appointments, who wouldn't go to bat for you, who aren't willing to sit with you in the moments where that's hard, you know, where life is hard.
00:21:51
Speaker
um and allowing um allowing others to do that for me just as I've done for others. Hey, I'm speaking to you, um ah to the parent, male or like um husband or wife who you feel like, okay, I'm now married and everything is supposed to be together or you had this vision of what you thought marriage was gonna look like and it's actually much harder than you envisioned, right? um What does it look like to have spaces to be honest?
00:22:21
Speaker
with your spouse and with others, right? And it's just, there's so much happening in this time that it can be so easy to really miss each other.
00:22:35
Speaker
So. As we are preparing for the season, as we are hopefully preparing for a time of rest, let me tell you, I am so excited to be offline, not in school. I'll probably still be creating, but for fun and in my free time. um But to have a time of rest where I get to just shut off everything and just B, um to rest socially and physically and spiritually in ways that I really haven't in in quite some time. I encourage you guys to do the same. What are the things that give you joy? um I know during the pandemic I became a puzzler. Now I don't know if that would bring me the same joy now. It's a lot of sitting still.
00:23:22
Speaker
oh But is there something that you haven't had the time or the margin to do? I encourage you to try it. I encourage you to find the things or rediscover the things that make you light up. um I had the joy of finding a Barnes and Noble near me and you know like many people who you know we love to read and we love our physical books. I had to barter because I of course I had like six books in my hand and that was gonna be like a million dollars.
00:23:48
Speaker
ah and But like even just being able to discover new books and to read and to sip coffee or tea as you're reading and exploring a new world on page, right? And so, um yeah, whatever that is, I encourage you, let's take time to to find it. Let's take time um because we know we need it. And let's be honest about the highs and the lows that we face I know for me, I'm so thankful for my friends who were ready and willing to step in. um I know that not all of us have that. I know there might be some of you who are on a season of loneliness where friendships have shifted, um where the people you thought were in your corner weren't, right? um And I just want to encourage you that I've also shared in those moments where it felt like
00:24:41
Speaker
I was on my own and I promise you, um I have been so blessed with by first naming that desire of like, Lord, I really want people like around me. I want that community. I want people who will have my back. I want people who um love me, ah who hold me accountable, all of those things, right? That comes with like real and meaningful and deep friendship.
00:25:09
Speaker
and the ways in which I have been blessed by the variety a variety of friendships, of um moments that I've been able to share in others' lives, and then to be able to share in mine, it happened, it came. um And so I don't want you to be discouraged.
00:25:28
Speaker
um but I want you to be reminded that
Yearly Reflection on Growth
00:25:32
Speaker
it does get better. I want you to be encouraged that it does get better, that people do come, that you never expected, that you never would have imagined, and just as much as I am hopeful and I am still believing in getting married and having a family of my own, like having children of my own, I have a family now. We gotta be careful about our language.
00:25:54
Speaker
I have a family now that's both by blood and that has been chosen, right? My my friends and and the people who, you know, love me and I i i love. um We could hope together. It's not us being delusional. It's not us um refusing to accept reality, but it's us believing and trusting in something bigger than ourselves.
00:26:19
Speaker
um For me, that's my faith. um That's the ways in which when I spend time with God and the the visions that I've had, the way he speaks to me through scripture and all of those things, um I can stand on that confidence in knowing that he has me.
00:26:36
Speaker
um Yeah, and for those who might be curious or want to learn more, please reach out. I'd love to ah talk more about faith and to make space for questions, um even in my role in both personal ministry and the church that I work for. I deal a lot with those who have church hurts, who are angry at the church.
00:27:00
Speaker
um Yeah, and again, it's an opportunity for us just to come as we are um with the questions, with the disappointments, um knowing that who Yeah, knowing that at the end of the day, I am not going to be anyone's savior. I am not going to fix um everything, but I can reflect the light of Christ in a conversation I have. I can reflect the work that God has done in me by being present for others in the midst of their anger and in their grief. I can reflect the way in which God has showed me um what is it like to be loved um without conditions.
00:27:50
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that we all can in our own in our own unique ways, so Yeah so as we wrap up this year, I'm just thinking over this last year and from all of the topics that we covered um from all of the ideas and things that we explored it's been such a
00:28:14
Speaker
It's been such a, ah, I don't know how to even describe this word, ah this ah this year. um I just remember starting off in January and I had like all of these health issues to come to find out it had to do with stress. And while you know my stress levels at the, like I wasn't doing anything different than I hadn't been in my 20s, because I've always been pushing myself and,
00:28:42
Speaker
and hyperachiever in all of the sense of the word. um My doctor very politely said, you're not in your 20s anymore and your body has had enough and it's gonna let you know. And so what does that, what did that look like in having to not only care for my body but to be, to realize like, oh wow, I really have to slow down um and not slow down in the sense of I'm not doing any of the things that I love but it has to look differently. Rest has to be a part of it.
00:29:12
Speaker
um to to going to Greece and Guatemala, to going to the She Speaks conference and and hearing about um and just really being bold in the personal ministry call that God had placed in my heart around United at Uniform, but starting starting a creative space within the church for creatives to both be ah discipled and cared for and to grow in their relationship with Christ.
00:29:42
Speaker
Oh man, two going to London to the Renaissance Conference, or sorry, Renaissance, I'm learning how to say it. the non
Celebrating Survival and Achievements
00:29:51
Speaker
-American way and um just being cared for and being reminded of the gifting that God has placed inside me and the voice and the way in which he wants to use use my poetry. i It's been, oh yeah, and the friendships that have come, the ways I've been able to mentor people, the ways that people have been able to pour into me, um the experiences that I've had, it's been a very full year.
00:30:19
Speaker
had Yeah, it's been a very full year. There's been um hardships. like I know there was a scare for breast cancer. There's been all of these different things. And I'm sure like as you guys look over your years, you can think about like all of the highs, the lows, and everything that comes in between.
00:30:41
Speaker
And I think a challenge that I'm gonna do for myself, and let's challenge each other in this as well, that rather than let's start focusing on what's next, let's start focusing on the new year, let's just focus on how we're gonna start in January. Can we just sit in all of this year provided? The highs, billows the the in-betweens, and the things we're still in the process of unpacking.
00:31:12
Speaker
The prayers that were answered with yes, the prayers that were answered with no, the prayers where we are still waiting in the not yet.
00:31:24
Speaker
I feel like we do ourselves a disservice by rushing. We're not only rushing from task to task, but rushing through life.
00:31:37
Speaker
Yes, I don't have everything that I longed for or hoped for, but there were moments this year where,
00:31:49
Speaker
man, I just was like, I can't believe this is the life I get to live. I can't believe that I survived that. I can't believe um that I'm here.
00:32:04
Speaker
And so I think we just need to do ourselves a little bit of service by looking over the years in which we've lived, or the year in which we lived,
Looking Forward to the New Year
00:32:17
Speaker
and to celebrate the fact that we're here, to celebrate the fact that um
00:32:27
Speaker
Yeah, to celebrate the fact that we're here to celebrate all that we survived, to celebrate all that we overcame, and to celebrate the lessons that we learned.
00:32:41
Speaker
Then, when we had time to just sit and reflect and to celebrate, let's then dream of what this new year can hold.
00:33:00
Speaker
So I look forward to connecting with you all in the new year. I will be taking a little bit of a break of rest, so I will see you in January 24th, so towards the end of January will be the next United Not Uniform episode. Until then, please know that you can reach out at United Not Uniform ah at gmail dot.com. um I also have a web website which is in the description. I'll be having blogs and um I also have poetry recorded there as well too, so please feel free to engage and connect in those spaces and I look forward to hearing what came up to for you over this year, um what you're hoping and dreaming for in the new year, ah and we'll start ready to hit the ground running.
00:33:53
Speaker
Until next time, I'll see you all later.