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Requested and Received: Multicultural Relationships and Learning from Each Other
43 Plays9 months ago
Requested and Received is a series where the topic is decided by listeners like you! In this episode, special guests, Vivi and Taek share insights on their own multicultural relationships and how they each learned to embrace difference. Whether you are single, dating, or married, this is an episode you don't want to miss!
To stay connected and learn more about other projects, check out unitednotuniform.com!
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Transcript
Introduction to Relationships with Vivi and Tech
00:00:50
krystmt
Thank you all so much for joining us for today's episode. Now, we have a treat in store for us today. We are going to be talking about relationships. So as you guys have been requesting, you are now receiving. We have um two amazing people. ah We have Vivi and Tech, who are both in flourishing marriages separately. They're not married to each other, other people.
00:01:14
krystmt
um But they're here to talk to us about not only healthy relationship, but also what does it look like to have relationships or marriage across cultures? There's a lot of of things that can come up, a lot of um learning each other. um And so who better to have than Tech and Vivi? So first of all, thank you all so much for joining us today.
Vivi's Journey from Mexico to the US
00:01:38
Viviana
Sure.
00:01:38
krystmt
So ah to yeah, so to get us started, um I'd love for each of you just to tell us a little bit about yourself just so that the people can get to know you.
00:01:38
Taek
Thank you, Crystal.
00:01:51
krystmt
How about you start first, Vivi?
00:01:51
Viviana
Sure. Yeah, I can start. So I am originally from Mexico City. I was born and raised there. um And i I moved to the US probably like 10 years ago, a little more than that.
00:02:06
Viviana
um And I ah have been, I mean, should I share title and things like that or just?
00:02:13
krystmt
Whatever you want to, hint hint, they're both ministers. So they're pretty amazing people.
00:02:17
Viviana
Yes, yes, so we we do work. I mean, I do work full time for the church. I um I just oversee all of our partners and I have been married to Alex ah full name Alexander in English.
00:02:32
Viviana
Alexander was in Greek.
00:02:33
krystmt
Oh, come on now.
00:02:33
Viviana
He is. peace well um So yeah, we are gonna be eight years in December, so that's super fun. We both get to parent two amazing twin boys, which ah keep us on our toes and also on our knees, so that's the use of who we are.
00:02:55
krystmt
I love it, I love it.
Tech's Korean Heritage and Family Life
00:03:01
krystmt
And go ahead, Dec.
00:03:02
Taek
Oh yeah, so my name is Tech Kim. um I am currently working for the district church as a ah director of counseling care, and I'm a licensed independent clinical social worker. um So I do counseling work of doing both individual and couples counseling. um I am originally from Korea. I came to the States when I was 16, and that's this ah almost two decades ago, which is just insane to think about.
00:03:31
krystmt
Okay, we don't need to add, we don't need to add the math.
00:03:31
Taek
oh
00:03:34
krystmt
We're all super young.
00:03:34
Taek
Yeah. yeah um I that this I was just laughing as BV was sharing because this is going to be so confusing because we're also married for eight years I'm married to Alicia we're married in August of 2016 and we also have two beautiful boys and one two years old and one two months old so I'm newly two under two situations here um yeah ah
00:04:03
krystmt
Oh wow.
00:04:06
Taek
we've been we've been known We've known each other for ah since 2013, so almost more than 10 years. So that's been, it's been really wonderful knowing Alicia as a friend and then becoming a boyfriend to our friend and then getting married and now parents together.
00:04:14
krystmt
Wow.
00:04:22
Taek
It's been an amazing journey.
00:04:24
Viviana
yeah
00:04:25
krystmt
Thank you both so much.
00:04:25
Viviana
how long do you i think still sufferinging
00:04:25
krystmt
So as someone, I'm sure a lot of you who are also single listening, this is super encouraging to hear from people who are married and kind of getting the the the realness of marriage, but also in the the courting and like developing the relationship.
Tech's Love Story with Alicia
00:04:40
krystmt
Tech shared how he and Alicia were friends first. And so I think that that would be super helpful just to kind of hear a little bit, um if you all don't mind, just sharing how you met your spouse.
00:04:51
Taek
Yeah, um since I just talked a little bit about it, I'll just start. So we met in college with sophomore, she was freshman. Me and my friend were really interested in her and her friend. So we actually asked them out to go swing dancing. And there was a swing dancing going on in, now this is back in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Every Tuesday night they had a swing dancing at the park. So um me and my friend asked them out and then ah We went swing dance together and then we decided to be a swing dance partner for the rest of the semester So we swing dance together for like six months And that's how we like first got to know each other and um, I wasn't I did ask her out for a first date But then I failed to follow up afterwards young tech there ah yeah And so um
00:05:39
krystmt
Oh no, young tech! Oh no!
00:05:44
Taek
Let me see, three years later, we've known each other throughout this time, but then we never like follow up followed up about like our interest for each other. And right before I did my externship in dc i decide to you know finally take my courage gather my courage and ask her I asked her out and then you know told her that I liked her all these years and she told me that she liked me all these years and we just both were scared to tell to tell each other that and we felt really sad because now we are facing with a long distance relationship.
00:06:15
krystmt
Oh wow.
00:06:15
Taek
so But we decided to come into it and we we did long distance for two and a half years and then we got engaged and then we got married and yeah, it was pretty quite um jarring because um When we got married, and it was the first time when we got married and living together that was the first time we lived in the same city.
Vivi's Long-distance Love Story with Alex
00:06:39
krystmt
Oh wow.
00:06:41
Taek
as as a but you know in relationships so that was like a jarring experience of learning how to do that
00:06:43
krystmt
Right.
00:06:48
krystmt
Yeah, on top of like being married. Yeah, wow. Thank you so much, Tech. Vivi, can you share about you and Alex?
00:06:57
Viviana
Yeah, so we met in 2011. It was my last year. I mean, it was and it was i finished I was finishing up my ah my first year as an au pair ah here in the U.S. ah And we actually met at a bar, so not um not like probably a normal setting or probably really normal for a lot of people.
00:07:21
Viviana
but um his brother at a time um was kind of, um but one of um my one of my friends knew him. So that's how we um kind of got connected and we just um start talking to each other.
00:07:36
Viviana
One of my friends actually liked him. So I kind of like stepped out and I was like, go for it, it's fine, whatever.
00:07:43
krystmt
while you a good friend
00:07:45
Viviana
Yeah and ah Alex was not really interested in her so um long story short he went to spend Christmas in Greece and then coming back we kind of like reached out and we started dating I think in March of like 2012 like not sure I mean pretty pretty um pretty fast afterwards.
00:08:05
Viviana
um And then, I mean, honestly, I didn't thought that it was going to be a thing because my visa was going to end in the next six months six months.
00:08:08
krystmt
Wow, you're a good friend.
00:08:16
Viviana
So I really had to go back to Mexico. And I just thought, well, we'll see where this goes kind of a thing. And um my visa ended um It was time for me to go back to um today to to Mexico.
00:08:32
Viviana
And Alex was like, hey, do you want to go to Greece? And just kind of like, we'll see. And i and when we actually spent a month together in Greece, I got to meet his family. And it was amazing.
00:08:42
Viviana
and But still, it was like really and a lot of uncertainty because I had to go back to Mexico.
00:08:48
krystmt
Yeah.
00:08:48
Viviana
So I was like, well, I guess this is it. And we both decided to try long distance. So we did so for a year. Then I move i ended up moving back to the US after that, but we had just been dating for like five months really in person and then a year long distance, so it was too soon to make any other um commitment. so um That's when I found TDC, I went to seminary, like I did a bunch of other things before and then due to my visa, moved back to Mexico and we did another year of long distance.
00:09:24
Viviana
Right after that I came back and he's and he's like, let's get married. week
00:09:28
Taek
Yes.
00:09:29
krystmt
He's like, I've waited long enough.
00:09:29
Viviana
ah
00:09:32
Viviana
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like like we we got married in 2016.
00:09:38
krystmt
Wow. I'm not going to lie, Vivi, when he brought you over to Greece to meet the family, I think that was kind of the, oh, he's serious about this one.
00:09:46
Viviana
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, I mean, you know, you asked like, Hey, am I the first one to like, kind of like meet the whole family? Is there is a space? You never know, no like in culturally speaking, i you don't know how, um
00:09:57
krystmt
That's true.
Surprises in Intercultural Marriages
00:10:00
Viviana
how serious it is.
00:10:00
Viviana
I know that in the US, s like people are really serious of like, Hey, have you met the parents? And it's such a thing.
00:10:05
Taek
Hmm.
00:10:06
Viviana
But in our cultures, like Greek, I mean, Greek and Mexican, in Mexican, like we just, it's just something normal.
00:10:10
Taek
Hmm.
00:10:12
Viviana
It's not that big of a deal.
00:10:14
krystmt
Ah, see, that's really big, yeah.
00:10:16
Taek
Yeah.
00:10:17
krystmt
Wow, wow. So for those of you who are also single, who feel like it's impossible to meet people in real life, we have two people who met their partners in real life, in swing dancing and at a bar, who knew?
00:10:19
Taek
Hmm.
00:10:28
Viviana
yeah Yeah. Yeah.
00:10:32
krystmt
That's so encouraging.
00:10:34
Viviana
Yeah.
00:10:34
krystmt
My dream is that it would be like at a coffee shop or like a bookstore, you know, true like Hallmark movie, like ask vibes.
00:10:37
Taek
Perfect.
00:10:39
Viviana
There we go.
00:10:41
Taek
ah string And he's water painting the coffee shop.
00:10:45
Viviana
but
00:10:45
krystmt
Right, right.
00:10:49
krystmt
ah
00:10:49
Taek
that's
00:10:50
krystmt
Well, again, thank you all so much for for sharing. It's always great to hear the beginnings of relationships. And I think something that would be really interesting just to kind of know what has been something that has surprised you in your relationship so far. Why don't we start with Vivi this time?
00:11:08
Viviana
oh Something that has surprised me. I think both how similar we are, but how different we are at the same time.
00:11:15
krystmt
Oh, that's good.
00:11:17
Viviana
um And I probably can unpack that in lots of different ways.
00:11:21
Taek
Mm.
00:11:24
Viviana
I think just the day to day and the way we do life, like there's like similarities. like We are both extremely family ah oriental orientated.
00:11:35
Viviana
like We both like are so, we have so much unity with our family. We love our families.
00:11:41
krystmt
Yeah.
00:11:41
Viviana
We honor our families and I think that's a value that we have brought even to our house and the way we do life. ah family comes first and that's like something that we value a lot um differences oh my god i think i need more time for this one but um i think um i'm trying you have to come back to me i need to i need oh so maybe that's where it's gonna come
00:12:10
krystmt
Okay.
00:12:11
Taek
Mm.
00:12:11
krystmt
That's okay. There's the the spoiler alert. The next question is what's been challenging. So then you can think on it. Yeah. You just get extra credit. Like you were just like killing it.
00:12:24
krystmt
What about you tech?
00:12:26
Taek
It's so funny that you said that, Vivi, because I was also going to say, like, you were surprised to know how similar we are. We were. We are. Alicia and I, I mean, my friends, I know this, um hopefully this, this, uh,
00:12:41
Taek
It doesn't offend anybody, but a lot of black folks have said that, man, you met the most Korean-like white girl ever. And then my end ah fire friends will also say, like and she met the most white dude like um Korean ever.
00:12:59
Taek
With all the notes aside, I think that just kind of goes to show like um like how like similar we were and how like how we felt like we held similar values.
00:12:59
krystmt
Mmm.
00:13:10
Taek
like Some of the things that I really appreciate about Alicia is that um It can be really difficult to be sitting in an all-Korean setting and all kinds of Korean words and cultural stuff happening in the moment and to not know exactly what's going on like at all.
00:13:28
Taek
right and She doesn't speak Korean, especially in the beginning.
00:13:29
krystmt
Yeah.
00:13:32
Taek
She didn't understand so much of the Korean culture. um And I think what I would stereotypically think of a American Caucasian person is that they want to assert themselves into the situation and want to know and want to understand like what's going on. Hey, like what did this person say? What did that person say? like Oh, like I have something to say. you know Kind of thing is stereotypically what I would consider. But Alicia is not like that. And and she would sit there and just understand and appreciate that there is a conversation happen, it doesn't have to stand out, doesn't have to be the one who has always things to say but willing to hear and willing to um ask questions, of course if you ask she has questions, but willing to just um allow me to be who I am in that context instead of um trying to insert herself into the environment in which we're
00:14:25
Taek
in which she is not the majority. right I think that for me has a lot to do a lot to say about her personality, um but also her character in the sense that like yeah like she is secure and she doesn't have to feel like she has to be the center of things and i think that i really really appreciated that and that is very like Korean at least from my point of view that's very Korean like um attitude that like we don't necessarily like you know drawing attention to ourselves especially in the new environment like we're more willing to listen and hear what's going on I'm sure not all Koreans are like that I'm making a you know just wide brush stroke here but all that to say I think that experience was very
00:15:06
Taek
Those are the fond memories that I have of her just like being so comfortable in a completely strange circumstances. And I just really appreciated that aspect. Yeah.
00:15:14
krystmt
That's amazing. That's awesome. And I'm sure that you've done something similar, like in in spaces for her too.
00:15:18
Taek
Oh, yes.
00:15:21
krystmt
Yeah, that's awesome. That's so great. So, all right, Vivi, are you ready?
00:15:27
Viviana
Yes.
00:15:27
krystmt
Okay. So what is something that has challenged you in your relationship?
00:15:35
Viviana
So I think the language, honestly, and that's, I mean, I'm choosing that one because I think
00:15:38
krystmt
Oh, that's big.
00:15:44
Viviana
like that is the root to a lot of the, I mean, that's, we use we use language to communicate with each other. And I, I mean, native language, Spanish, Alex native language, Greek, and yet we live in the US.
00:16:00
krystmt
where we speak American.
00:16:00
Viviana
So where is like Spanish, English. So um I think that has been the most challenging thing because um like when we met,
00:16:13
Viviana
i mean there I mean, his English was not great. And my English was not the best, right? I mean, I was a little better, but still. ah And yet we figured out a way to communicate with each other. And there was a lot of broken English, some Spanish words here and there, some Greek words, right? um And I think it made it so hard even to argue.
The Role of Language and Culture in Communication
00:16:41
Viviana
in our like in English because we are not like used to express you I mean you cannot fully express yourself in your second language in a way that you want your first language so like having to switch back and forth to our native language to just even have a conversation and or an argument was challenging
00:16:51
krystmt
Yeah.
00:17:01
krystmt
Mm.
00:17:02
Viviana
So I think it took a lot of effort for both of us to not only learn our our languages, but also our cultures and the way we communicate. So we, I mean, that was just key. So I really was, that was one of the things that drove me to like really learn Greek.
00:17:20
Viviana
And also the first time that I was in Greece, i ah my head was hurting. Everyone was laughing.
00:17:25
krystmt
Mm.
00:17:26
Viviana
Everyone was having the time of their life. And I was like, I don't know what they're saying. I don't know if they are talking about me. I hear my name here and there. And it would be fun to know or good to know what they are talking about. So that was one of the things that drove me to really learn the language.
00:17:40
Viviana
um and like him also be more intentional about Spanish. So and it just really takes, it's just a lot of like sacrifice. It's an extra sacrifice that you have to do to each i mean for each other to have a common ground in the midst of not being in your country and not being able to speak your language, but yet you have this person that you love and you share the same um land um that you have to just kind of like,
00:17:54
Taek
Mm.
00:18:08
Viviana
bring things together in a way that will only work for the two of you.
00:18:13
krystmt
Amen. Oh, that's so good. And I just even in um outside looking in, in how you and Alex are raising your boys and making sure that both cultures are represented and they, they know the family on both sides like you guys are just so intentional and it's just so beautiful to witness and see that.
00:18:32
krystmt
um But I really love what you said about you know, you love this person You're already not living in your your home country or home culture and language is a barrier But there is like because I love this person.
00:18:45
krystmt
I'm willing to lean in I'm willing to um Be uncomfortable in order to learn so I can communicate with you in the way um That is native and it's like your your heart language.
00:18:54
Viviana
yeah
00:18:57
krystmt
I think that's so beautiful
00:18:59
Viviana
Yeah, yeah, we had to do the test of like, what is your love language? Let's try let's start there before we go into like...
00:19:06
krystmt
Oh, wow. are Are they still the same? What's yours and what's Alex's?
00:19:10
Viviana
We haven't take it, we haven't, I mean, his physical touch for sure, I mean, sound, means mind quality time.
00:19:14
krystmt
Uh-huh.
00:19:18
krystmt
Okay, that's sweet.
00:19:18
Viviana
so Yeah.
00:19:19
krystmt
Mine shifted from ah quality time to acts of service. I'm like, whoa, show up for me. That's what I need.
In-law Relationships in Intercultural Marriages
00:19:29
krystmt
So tech, do you mind also sharing as well?
00:19:32
Taek
Yeah, um I think as I kind of thinking about this as I thought about this question I think is a working with in-law relationship i sp and namely kind of a
00:19:42
krystmt
Oh.
00:19:45
Taek
wanting to better understand like what does it mean to be a good son-in-law in my part and what does it mean to be a good daughter-in-law on Elijah's part and um yeah I think there's a lot of ah unspoken expectations from both sides of the parents like of like this is what it means to be a good son-in-law or a good daughter-in-law and I think there were moments of grief as well as you know celebration and that had happened in times of
00:19:56
krystmt
That's good.
00:20:14
Taek
being able to meet that expectation and being able to not be able to meet those expectations and always wondering about would my relationship with in-laws ever be like, for example, my brother-in-law's relationship with my in-laws, if that makes sense.
00:20:29
krystmt
Mm.
00:20:30
Taek
and And I think that question is always, whether that is like based on the fact or not, and maybe it could just be living in my brain they're like oh like i will never have kind of their in-law relationship as my sister-in-law's husband, who is white, because there is this level of like a disconnect, culturally speaking, that thought is always there.
00:20:53
krystmt
Mm.
00:20:53
Taek
And I think that's always kind of a sad like saddening thought. and And it could be just in my mind, it could be reality, but whether regardless, I think that thought is always there. And it's the same goes to um like my parents' relationship with Alicia, too,
00:21:10
Taek
while it is interesting thing there's a lot of expectations for the daughter-in-law in Korean culture and the because I'm the youngest youngest son in the family out of three boys and and also she is white so there is a very little expectation in regards to like what she has to for fulfill and do now it sounds like a good thing but um it's a sad thing thing when when someone doesn't expect anything out of you
00:21:16
krystmt
Mm.
00:21:39
krystmt
Oh yeah.
00:21:40
Taek
right Like, oh, she's white, so she probably doesn't get it. Oh, she's white, so she probably doesn't eat kimchi. Like, something that my parents ask again and again and again after 80 years of marriage is that, does she eat kimchi?
00:21:55
Taek
Which is quite ridiculous, because that's something that that's the we eat kimchi like every meal. Like, you know.
00:21:59
krystmt
I was about to say, even I eat kimchi.
00:22:00
Taek
Right? Right, so...
00:22:02
krystmt
So tell your parents black people eat kimchi too.
00:22:02
Viviana
yeah
00:22:04
Taek
There you go.
00:22:04
Viviana
yes
00:22:05
Taek
and that I think those are the moments or she ask and where they ask, oh, does she do this? Like, does she do it this way? Or does she understand this? And those are the little moments of grief where I realized that in their mind, it's very kind of like set piece that like, oh, she's a foreigner.
00:22:23
krystmt
and
00:22:25
Taek
And before she is my daughter-in-law, she's a foreigner.
00:22:26
Viviana
Yeah. Yes.
00:22:29
Taek
so she's probably not going to get abcd or she won't make an attempt to do abcd that is already in their mind and i think face-to-face with those comments. I think it just makes us feel sad.
Family Expectations and Grieving in Intercultural Marriages
00:22:42
krystmt
Yeah.
00:22:42
Taek
I don't think we understand where they're coming from, but I think that feeling of sadness is always there. So yeah, um I think that's probably a big one.
00:22:48
krystmt
Yeah.
00:22:52
krystmt
That's real tech. Thank you so much for sharing that. Cause the love is still there, right? Like your parents love Alicia, like it's the same, like there's love that's there.
00:23:04
krystmt
Um, but there is also that grief. Uh, and I think that that is a, an important thing to acknowledge. And again, like still celebrating and like we're still doing life and we're all still part of each other's like lives, but, um, there are some things that we can still grieve.
00:23:18
Taek
you
00:23:21
Taek
absolutely
00:23:21
krystmt
yeah that's Yeah, that's really good.
00:23:22
Viviana
Yeah, and just to add to that, I think that our in-laws and my mom, I mean, speaking for myself, she's always gonna grieve the fact that I didn't marry a Mexican.
00:23:34
Taek
yeah yeah
00:23:36
Viviana
She's always gonna grieve that.
00:23:36
krystmt
yeah
00:23:36
Taek
Yeah.
00:23:37
Viviana
And I know that Alex's parents, like they are always gonna, like Alex, I mean, especially the side of his dad, like I was not welcoming the family.
00:23:39
Taek
It's true.
00:23:42
Taek
Mm hmm.
00:23:48
Taek
hmm yeah yeah right that's all mm-hmm
00:23:48
Viviana
Like they, like everyone has married Greek. Everyone, everyone in the family, same thing in my family, everyone has married Mexican. So I'm the only one and he's the only one that like broke the norm.
00:24:02
Viviana
So there's always going to be that grieving on our families of like, yeah, she's good, but it's not going to be good enough based on what their standards of normal is.
00:24:11
krystmt
Yeah.
00:24:16
krystmt
Yeah, yeah, that's really good. um Yeah, that's really, really good.
00:24:19
Taek
that
00:24:22
krystmt
It's so funny, like even in my own story with my parents, because again, I'm from West Virginia, and it's not the most diverse place. We're here though, but it's not the most diverse. And um even like before I even like started dating there, like we're just grieving the fact that like you might not end up with a black man.
00:24:39
Taek
Sure, that.
00:24:41
krystmt
And I'm like, okay, like, how about someone who loves me, and who is respectful for you, but like, very realistically, like, there are some things that like, Um, like I'll use example of like that I have with my counselor now, right?
00:24:55
krystmt
It's not the same as marriage, obviously, but, um, there's something being able to go into that space and like talking to a counselor who is a black female, like I don't have to translate or code switch or explain.
00:25:06
Taek
Please.
00:25:08
krystmt
Right. And, um, the love is like, even if I talk to someone else, the love is still there or like, there's still valuable information or like. counseling I can receive but there's just something about having that connection or like sharing the same experience and so I think what you both have shared is just again it's not discouraging from like pursuing like you love like who you're going to fall in love with right but I do think it provides like a realistic lens of some of the things that you and your your family will grieve together and I think that's a really important point to make.
00:25:43
Taek
yeah
00:25:43
Viviana
Yeah.
Advice for Intercultural Relationships
00:25:44
krystmt
So I asked this question selfishly for me, but it will also be for other people too. What advice would you give someone who is either in a new multicultural or cross-cultural relationship or is considering one?
00:26:01
Taek
Yeah, um I think this now I want us want to just share this with the you know, real salt but um For me like when I do whenever I do like ah couples counseling and coaching with the married folks um Something that I always say is that you know all marriages to a degree are intercultural marriages.
00:26:22
Taek
There's like
00:26:22
krystmt
so good
00:26:23
Taek
There's no not a single relationship that is not intercultural in the sense that you know two people are coming from two different families. And every family has their own norms, own culture, own code and ways in which the message is delivered, conflict is resolved.
00:26:43
krystmt
So good.
00:26:44
Taek
And when you add all all that up, um these two are are two completely different individuals coming from two different backgrounds.
00:26:51
krystmt
Yeah.
00:26:52
Taek
I think for me in multicultural relationship, it was very apparent and stark that, oh, this person is different from me or this family is different from me.
00:26:55
Viviana
Mm hmm.
00:27:02
Taek
So it made me to be extra cautious about like how I say things or how I approach things and with more humility. But in reality, that is what we should all be doing whenever in any kind of a relationship.
00:27:15
krystmt
Ooh, that's good tech.
00:27:15
Taek
but With that said, I think obviously, you know communication, empathy, understanding are key factors because I think you have to fully understand what the other person is saying and what the other person is coming from and know their stories behind the way in which they think and communicate and what kind of expectations they have about you and the marriage or relationship. I think that's really, really important. And I think at the end of the day,
00:27:42
Taek
like we can go on forever about like how Korean or how, but I mean, Alicia is from Midwest, like, you know, Dutch family, let's say, you know, 50% Dutch.
00:27:53
Taek
So like, oh, we can discuss about how Dutch or how Midwest or how Korean our relationship or marriage and family is. And it's never going to be the conversation that would end, right?
00:28:07
Taek
I think the most important thing is to understand what is the third culture that we're creating
00:28:07
krystmt
you know
00:28:11
krystmt
That's
00:28:12
Taek
What is the values they were going to align with? like what is you know What are we honing in?
00:28:15
krystmt
so good.
00:28:17
Taek
like Something that we talk about as a family is like always talking about, all right, like we want to be defined by generosity and hospitality. So what does that look like for our family?
00:28:29
Taek
Not with understanding that we do have a Korean-ness, we do have a Dutch-ness and all these things, but like what what what identify us is um hospitality generosity like so how do we pursue that together as a family kind of thing
00:28:42
krystmt
Yeah, I love that you guys are co creating this together.
00:28:45
Taek
Yes.
00:28:46
krystmt
Oh, so good. And it applies to every relationship.
00:28:50
Taek
honey
00:28:50
krystmt
Ah, I just I love it. Vivi, do you have any thoughts as well?
00:28:56
Viviana
Yeah, I mean, I will agree with what Tech is saying. The only thing that I will add is that it's not for the faint at heart. but Something that i I mean, a huge difference that I have seen between multicultural marriage and i probably two people from the same country marrying each other is ah that there's a common there's a common language.
00:29:03
krystmt
Yeah.
00:29:19
Viviana
like I'm just gonna like use an example like acronyms like people like Americans I mean especially the ones that we probably have proximity with they speak with a lot of acronyms they have like sports he's so like impregnated in their culture Like there's some commonalities like college and Ivy League schools and um like the sororities, like all of this is like part of their culture, right?
00:29:46
Viviana
And like, I feel that that's something that I have to learn from their culture.
00:29:50
Taek
Hmm.
00:29:50
krystmt
Mm.
00:29:52
Viviana
So like culturally speaking, they have grown in and and they have grown in ah in an environment that is similar um to each other. whether when you marry a new culture is just the whole game changing.
00:30:06
Viviana
Like even though like I completely agree with tech, like to a certain degree, we are all like in an intercultural relationship.
00:30:06
krystmt
Yeah.
00:30:12
Viviana
I think there's like another level of, um um I don't know, like difficulty when you bring two countries
00:30:24
Taek
Yeah.
00:30:25
Viviana
um together like whether that's africa to like with someone from asia or european with the latin america like it's just like there's just something that is going to create friction because it's something that happens and that's what i was saying is not for the faint at heart because you have to work every day towards your difference
00:30:25
krystmt
Yeah.
00:30:38
krystmt
Yeah.
00:30:43
Taek
Yeah.
00:30:48
Viviana
to build your third culture and you have to remind each other like hey we are a team I mean this is we are both playing for the same team we're trying to create a new culture it's not like oh the Mexican way is the best way which some days I'm like yeah the way we do I mean don't get me wrong
00:30:56
Taek
right
00:30:57
krystmt
right i was like wait i
00:31:07
Taek
Is it that way?
00:31:08
krystmt
was like oh
00:31:10
Viviana
Well, i i and like that's something that I joke a lot about because like there's a lot of things that Alex is like super proud to be Greek. And there's like, oh, the way we do these things in Greece is like the way.
00:31:22
Viviana
And I'm the same way with like the Mexican culture, right? Like, oh, no, the way we like discipline our kids. like If you do this, this is how you do it. And I'm like, we have that pride.
00:31:33
krystmt
yeah
00:31:33
Viviana
And I'm like, how do you like surrender that pride and bring a third culture together that is built on a common ground.
00:31:43
krystmt
Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:45
Viviana
I think that's a huge challenge and something that people are not always mindful about or willing to like sacrifice that much. So that that's just something to be mindful of when you are like getting into a multicultural relationship.
00:31:58
krystmt
Yeah, that's so good.
00:32:02
krystmt
I don't know about you all, but I'm feeling both um excited and encouraged, but then also like, okay, yeah.
Celebrating Singleness and Personal Growth
00:32:11
krystmt
Like the realness is setting in too. Thank you both. ah For the next question, ah for those who, for anyone who might be struggling in their relationship, um or who is single and desires to be married, what advice would you give them? I know this is a really big question,
00:32:29
krystmt
ah I know i I really set you guys up. um But just in a time where like relationships, especially romantic relationships are often idolized in a lot of ways, right?
00:32:33
Taek
Yeah.
00:32:42
krystmt
um And people may have that desire or like what we were talking about before, um maybe experiencing some of that friction. um What advice again, whatever you guys feel comfortable with, um would you give someone or these two separate people?
00:32:49
Taek
yeah
00:32:53
Taek
Mm-hmm.
00:32:59
Viviana
Yeah, um I think like in my culture, right, like Mexican culture, they are really big on marriage, right? Like if you are not, if you're past your thirties and you're not married, it's like, oh, you might go, I mean, we have this saying that probably it's not gonna make sense in in English, but it's like, you might as well just like stay in dressed scenes. That's exactly how we say it, meaning that that's it.
00:33:22
Viviana
ah whether here in the US, like the the later or the older you get married, the better, which I i think that is something that is not meant to be rushed.
00:33:22
Taek
Yeah.
00:33:35
Viviana
Like you don't wanna be married just to be married and then end up with someone that probably is not the right fit for you.
00:33:43
krystmt
Right.
00:33:43
Viviana
um Like singleness is something that is meant to be celebrated. And I feel that we don't celebrate it enough.
00:33:50
krystmt
Mhmm.
00:33:50
Viviana
because being married is amazing it's beautiful but it's really hard it's really hard and people often don't talk about how hard it is they're full a lot of people idolize marriage and it's like oh my god i want to be married i want to like do all of these things and have my person and i'm like that's great but the beauty of singleness of like being able to wake up whenever you want to do your thing like grow professionally
00:34:00
krystmt
Right.
00:34:16
Viviana
like but like learn more from you grow um in your spiritual journey or whatever you are doing like that's a huge gift and that sometimes we take for granted so um I think like yes there's something I mean you shouldn't rush it and you should enjoy where you are and it's hard to be content it's hard to it's hard for us as human beings to be content where we are we always want something different or we always think that the grass is green on the other side
00:34:26
krystmt
Mmhmm.
00:34:46
Viviana
ah But I think I learned to be content where you are either in your marriage or in your relationship or being single.
00:34:46
krystmt
Right.
00:34:54
Viviana
It's something that is going to equip you better for whatever God brings into your future.
00:35:02
krystmt
That's so good. And I appreciate you saying that because oftentimes um I know for me, depending on where I was in my season of singleness, like I was not trying to hear that.
00:35:04
Taek
Yeah.
00:35:12
krystmt
I was like, nah, I want my person. I just only want to see the good bits, right? I see the good bits of your life and that's what I want, right? um but If that's you and you're in that place, like I need you to hear what Vivi is saying, hear what I am saying. You don't want to be married just to be married, right? um It's meant now, depending on what you believe, you guys already know. like We're Christian, those of us on the call.
00:35:40
krystmt
um like Faith is super important, right? um But also, like you're building this life with someone. You're going to be growing with this person. like You want to make sure that this is going to be the person that's going to grow with you, and it's okay to take time.
00:35:53
Viviana
Thank you.
00:35:55
krystmt
like Listen to what Vivi is saying. um and I think, how do we find new ways of celebrating singleness, both inside and outside of the church? That's a really, really good point.
00:36:05
Taek
Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, I think I think my thought is that we all need to remember that we're all going to die.
00:36:17
Taek
I think.
00:36:17
krystmt
Okay. Interesting start.
00:36:19
Taek
Yeah, I mean. yeah like As a modern folks, um I think we all live with this sense of a illusion of immortality.
00:36:29
krystmt
ah Yeah.
00:36:30
Taek
As long as I do this and this and that, I can live like as long as I want. as and i will but And all these things. But reality is that like we all die. My spouse is going to die.
00:36:43
Taek
And I really don't have control over when and how that it separation will is going to happen. and and i And I say all this to like set it up that like I know that marriage is not for eternity.
00:36:57
Taek
That is what the Bible says.
00:36:57
krystmt
and Yeah.
00:36:58
Taek
a Marriage is for this earth. And there is only one marriage, and that in the eternity, there is only one marriage, and that is between the between God and the Church. right So in a sense, we're all bride of Christ.
00:37:12
Taek
But what I'm trying to get at is that therefore whatever we do on this earth should be preparation for what who we are becoming ah how we are preparing to be the bride of Christ in the eternity and this blip that we have is really really short.
00:37:27
Taek
So and so like all or our attention whether we're married or not should be on who we are becoming in Christ not necessarily am I becoming the right person to be married or am i becoming the Am I finding the right person?
00:37:28
krystmt
Yeah.
00:37:41
Taek
And and that's really important for me because there was something that Alicia and I both agreed to in the very beginning that we so told each other and we actually remind each other quite often that we are not the one to afford the other person.
00:37:55
Taek
like And there is no such thing as the one.
00:37:57
krystmt
Oh, come on tech.
00:37:57
Taek
And you you're not the one for me.
00:38:00
Viviana
Yeah.
00:38:01
Taek
The one is Jesus.
00:38:01
krystmt
Oh, I hope you don't say that. Do you say that to her?
00:38:04
Taek
We say that to each other.
00:38:05
krystmt
Oh, wow. Okay.
00:38:06
Taek
And Jesus, you know,
00:38:06
krystmt
Yep. New level unlocked.
00:38:08
Taek
There's no one.
00:38:09
krystmt
I love it though. It's real.
00:38:11
Viviana
Yeah.
00:38:11
Taek
You are the second. and And I think that's such an important reminder because I think our marriage and our spouses, or sometimes our kids, become the central focus of our life.
00:38:17
Viviana
I'm
00:38:22
krystmt
Yeah. Right.
00:38:25
Taek
And when in reality, we should never burden someone, a individual into that space of worship and idolization, because that destroys me and that destroys them.
00:38:25
Viviana
in.
00:38:35
krystmt
Right.
00:38:39
krystmt
Right.
00:38:39
Taek
And I think the right person who should take that center stage is Jesus and God.
00:38:43
Viviana
Amen.
00:38:43
Taek
and all of us all of us me and my wife both working towards becoming even more one with the one And through that throughout through that process, we become one flesh even more strongly.
00:38:56
Taek
So I think that's something that I want to remind all of us. that like i mean And when and we we talk about like our plans.
00:38:59
krystmt
Yeah, that's good.
00:39:02
Taek
Like, hey, what's going to happen when when when you die? Well, like i want you to what happens if I die? Like, hey, like wait a couple of years, grieve. But if God brings you somebody, like marry that person.
00:39:14
Taek
like I'm not the one. We're all in the journey of becoming more like Christ, and if God is and after I pass away, then God's will be done, not mine.
00:39:17
krystmt
Yeah.
00:39:25
Taek
And I think we all need to approach marriage from that sense of open-handedness open understanding that, hey, this is Lord's doing, and what Lord is doing, He's always looking for opportunity to bring us closer to Him.
00:39:30
krystmt
Yeah.
00:39:40
Taek
If it's through marriage, great. If it's through singleness, great. If it's through something else, that's awesome. But I think it is important that we be able to de-
00:39:46
krystmt
yeah
00:39:51
Taek
Not, I should say, I think marriage is serious and an important thing that we need to emphasize, but not in the place of God himself.
00:40:00
krystmt
Ooh, that's so good. Ooh, now I don't know, like um ah some of you might be listening, you're like, that's not what I wanted to hear, but that's what I needed to hear because it's very, especially speaking, I'm not gonna speak for all the singles, I'll speak for myself. As someone who is ah becoming well into their 30s and also single, marriage can become such an idol or like the fact that like singleness can be seen more as a burden or even something that I'm,
00:40:28
krystmt
trying to escape from and I think that is such an important point that ultimately we are living in this life to become more of who God is calling us to be like God is the ultimate goal right and so our if you do get married um the marriage is still for you to become who God is calling you to be and that person should be pointing you in that and helping you grow in that way and I think that's a ah good reminder we do all die so thank you thank you that's good
00:40:38
Taek
Yes.
00:40:58
krystmt
So I know we are about to wrap up. I wanted to allow, um if there was anything else, either of you wanted to share, um I'm already sensing that we need to have you guys come back because I feel like there's just, we've just scratched the surface, but anything else that you guys want to share?
00:41:17
Taek
I think one thing for me is that if you're in inter or multicultural relationship or marriage, I think it is important that always take time aside to grieve and hope together as a couple. Because there's a lot of things that we grieve. Like even like ah now I have, ah you know, oh like biracial children and bi-cultural children or multicultural children.
00:41:45
Taek
and there are things to grieve surrounding that. you know Like will my child grow up speaking like like Korean or will my child know my parents their grandparents as deeply and as well as others would?
00:42:01
Taek
Or will they grow up um experiencing rejection from both sides?
00:42:02
krystmt
Yeah.
00:42:08
Taek
um on all sides, or will they be able to find a space where they feel part of part of the safe community?
00:42:08
krystmt
Yeah.
00:42:15
Taek
And there's just a lot of things to grieve. And I think it's important that taking intentional time to like voice that without being fearful.
00:42:17
krystmt
Yeah.
00:42:23
Taek
That is not you know the statement of doubt of your decisions. It's just simply the acknowledging that that's the reality. But after doing that, also hoping together like what what beautiful things that can come out of it and what beautiful things the Lord is doing and hoping together. So grieving and hoping regularly together. I think it's a good thing.
00:42:42
krystmt
Amen.
00:42:45
Viviana
Love that, love that. Thank you tech for sharing that. I think for me, ah I think just this phrase comes to mind like you are where you need to be. ah We might not lie where we are most of the time or some days, but I truly believe that God has made us and create us for such a time like this and we are where we need to be.
00:43:12
Viviana
um
00:43:12
krystmt
yeah
00:43:13
Viviana
And it's hard, it's going to be challenging, but something that we continue to be a reminder of is that um that we continue that we need to to to um put as a reminder, even in our mirrors, is how love and how known and how cared by Christ we are. Because I think that that's a truth that you can speak to yourself constantly that will help you ah throughout the day with the challenges of marriage and relationships. Because even if that day you are not seen by your spouse, you know that he sees you.
00:43:54
krystmt
Yeah.
00:43:54
Viviana
and that he loves you no matter what and there's always a new day and his mercy is on you and every morning so there's always good to be uh is always good for you to be um to have that reminder that you are loved care and known and that you are where you need to be
00:43:56
Taek
Right, right.
00:44:12
krystmt
So good. Thank you so much Tech and Vivi for joining us. Again, I already know we're going to have to have you guys come back for sure. um I know ah that I have learned so much. I hope that it has also blessed you as well. um So just remember ah that there is more than enough space for you to be seen and to see others.