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Kickin' It with Krystal: How Embracing Creativity Helped Me Rediscover My True Self
32 Plays8 months ago
In this series, Kickin' It with Krystal, I share my journey in re-discovering myself through creativity. Whether you are a professional artist or someone just starting out, this episode is for you. Creativity has allowed me to uncover my true self. And, my hope by sharing is that you will give yourself the permission to do so as well.
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Transcript
Intro
Introduction and Apology
00:00:50
Speaker
Hi everyone, I'm so glad to be with you all today. ah First, I just wanted to say thank you all so much for the grace and the patience with this week's episode. Unfortunately, I ran into a couple of technical issues and could not get the episode out on time, but we're here now. ah But before I dived into the episode, I just wanted to make sure um that I just gave you guys all the love and the appreciation. Thank you all so much for Those of you who have told me how much ah the podcast has meant to them and how encouraged they've been, it's just such a joy um to be able to invite others to share their story, to be able to share my own, and to know that people feel seen in the midst of it. So huge shout out to all of you.
00:01:36
Speaker
So this
New Series Launch: 'Kicking It With Crystal'
00:01:37
Speaker
episode is actually going to be part of our series or a series called Kicking It With Crystal. And ah this is when it's just going to be you and me talking about a topic that's ah near and dear to my heart. I wanted to feel like a conversation. I wanted to feel like you're talking to a friend.
00:01:55
Speaker
Um, and so, uh, yeah, it's not going to be super edited. It's not going to be super filtered. It's just going to be a, just a real conversation.
Reflections on Loneliness and Season Finale
00:02:04
Speaker
Uh, so buckle up, get ready and let's explore the topic of discovering or rediscovering your creativity.
00:02:14
Speaker
So I don't know how many of you guys were able to listen to um the ah season finale for the first season on loneliness. So I talk about being on a personal retreat um and ah ah feeling very lonely and all of the complexities that come with that.
00:02:35
Speaker
Now, I'm not going to do spoilers here, so if you haven't listened to it, please go back and listen to it. It's a really, really good episode. It was very hard to record, and sometimes the ones that are the hardest to record end up being the best ones because they're the most authentic, the most raw, and the most real. ah But it especially going into a season where a lot of people can be feeling a lot of loneliness, a lot of depression, a lot of anxiety, um it is one that really hey, I might even re-listen to it myself. It's just one that encourages me. And the reason why I bring it up is because during that time on my retreat, I wrote a poem um that i I hadn't really been writing poetry, at least in the way, in this in this format, in some time, um but there was something about a breakthrough that happened. um Being on that retreat, having to really be honest with my feelings and to really wrestle that I think is just so important.
00:03:35
Speaker
So if you want to hear the poem, you have to listen to the end. I'll be sharing it at the end of this episode.
Childhood Creativity and Identity Formation
00:03:43
Speaker
So I just kind of wanted to start first about um my experience uh with creativity and creation and yeah that discovery and so um when i was younger i never really thought of myself as creative i just always thought of it more as play so i would uh i lived in a neighborhood where all of the backyards connected again west virginia
00:04:10
Speaker
lots of green, lots of pine trees, lots of, um yeah, just like a lot of ah beauty and a slowness of life that I think I miss and just like the simple and um mundane things.
00:04:27
Speaker
And so, you know, as kids, we would all come together, we would come and play. And my role was to always be the one that comes up with like the games. So I would be responsible for like the game that we were playing and what were the rules and where was home base and all of that. Now, to be completely honest, a lot of the games were really just glorified tag. um A lot of chasing, a lot of the same thing. But there was still something really fun about being able to create something new, um being able to build a world in which we could collectively play in, um and to have people buy into that world and to want to be a part of it.
00:05:07
Speaker
When I got a little older, that's when I started experimenting a little bit more with um actually writing. So, you know, as a child of educators, we were not only read to, but encouraged to read and to to really fall in love with with words. And um Saturday mornings, we would be at the library. I'd be begging my mom to check out an extra book. Now, could I read the extra book on top of everything else that I had?
00:05:34
Speaker
No, and my mom knew that. um But it always was something I had to look forward to. There was always another book to read, another world to explore and be a part of. ah I will say, you know, um where I started actually writing more was because I would read books and it felt like the ending just wasn't correct quite right, or the ending wasn't how I would do it.
00:05:57
Speaker
And I would literally all rewrite the endings. Now, some of y'all may think of that as being controlling. um I like to believe that the authors just got the ending wrong. But there was just something about ah giving myself the permission to ah write and tell stories and and being able to ah write and tell stories from worlds or places that felt so familiar and felt like I um Was just involved in or like could see myself in just made it the most natural and so, you know I would write my own little short stories um I would I have binders of different stories and characters and their journeys and quest and ah even in my dreams when I would sleep I would dream and stories I would dream in
00:06:49
Speaker
um you know the hero overcoming and all of that and it's just like you know you look back and you're like wow i just thought that was child's play i just thought you know that was just me being a kid but um i don't know about for you like what are the things that you love to do as a child the things that you came alive when you did and And oftentimes what I'm learning now as I have grown and matured in so many different ways is that, you know, it's often in our childlike state that we realize more of who we are without the complexities, the fears and the doubts of this world. And so, yeah, it's been it's been great rediscovering um this aspect of myself.
Natural Hair and Identity Discussion
00:07:34
Speaker
ah So once I got to college,
00:07:36
Speaker
ah I did a paper called Naturally Curly. Now for those of you who are not familiar with black hair, um when I was in school ah the transition to your natural hair was like a really really big thing. um Relaxing your hair or straightening it was seen as what was professionally acceptable, um what Like if you had natural hair, it could be difficult to get jobs. It was still very much a newer thing in society. And as I, you know, growing up in West Virginia um and really trying to figure out who I was, I wanted to write about that aspect of my identity. I wanted to write about something that people see when they first look at me.
00:08:29
Speaker
but something that I have struggled with for so long and so it was just such a fun project because in each stage where I'm talking about the different like transitioning my hair so like again to give further context if you're not into hair I'm so sorry I'll try to make it as intriguing and short as possible but um When you are changing or returning to the original texture of your hair, there's a lot of relearning that has to take place. Now, if you are brave and bold enough, there's so many people who just like chop off all their hair and let it regrow and um go from there. But for me, what I had to do was that I
00:09:08
Speaker
ah transitioned to my hair in stages and so in my paper I talk about the different stages and there was like a ah rediscovery of wow my curls move in this way or that the front of my head is one texture but the back is a different texture or these are the products that my hair likes and these are the products that my hair doesn't like. Now if you're like okay she's talking a lot about hair I don't understand the importance bear with me ah because what seems like a simple conversation of how to style or wear my hair was really much deeper. It was me learning an aspect of my identity that I felt shame.
00:09:46
Speaker
an aspect of my identity that I felt um wasn't accepted, and having the space and the grace to relearn what it is that I actually like, what it is um that not only my hair responds to, but also ah my soul, and like giving myself the grace and the permission to step outside of
Research on Identity Among Black Women
00:10:08
Speaker
the box. And so, um after writing this paper I got to do,
00:10:13
Speaker
um some work in Indonesia. i got to I got funding to do my own undergrad research and I did ah more research projects on the saliency of identity, especially in black women. And so being hearing the stories of other women of color share um what it was like beyond their hair, but just like how they carry themselves and what they struggled with and ah both internally and societally.
00:10:39
Speaker
and having a space where we could all come together and see each other and just have space just to be. And being able to do that research, I was like, oh my gosh, this is my jam, this is where I'm meant to be. And ultimately this is the type of creativity that's really accepted. This is the type of creativity where I get grant money. This is the type of creativity where people seem to be really invested in. And so the idea of um writing stories, um writing poetry, and kind of lost its appeal. um Not so much as just because there wasn't any glory in it, or I felt like I couldn't be recognized, but when I would read other people's stories, especially as I got older, or I would read other people's poems, I was like, who am I to think I could do that? Who am I to think that I could step into
Overcoming Self-Doubt and Societal Pressures
00:11:29
Speaker
that lane? Who would want to read my words or hear my voice? And, you know, when I look back at that time, i
00:11:37
Speaker
I really grieve the the way in which I was so mean and cruel to myself. You know, here I am on one end, you know, doing research and traveling, but then ah scared to put out like raw, unfiltered ah
00:12:00
Speaker
yeah aspects of myself that I had up until a certain point and you know some of that was because I i tried sharing and it wasn't necessarily received well or again social comparison is a a real thing that we have to overcome but I only really allowed myself to create and I'm using air quotes here create in the spaces that felt accepted or where it wasn't as risky if other people had similar experiences to me, right? I think a lot of us can relate to that. And so, you know, I'm like continuing in my different path.
Rediscovering Creativity and Joy
00:12:42
Speaker
I realized like as I'm thinking about this journey of rediscovery, I need to do an episode on my journey of faith, ah growing up in the church, leaving the church and then coming back. ah That will be a separate episode, but again, there's so much to unpack there.
00:12:59
Speaker
ah But as I, ah jumping ahead, when I started working full time at my local church in the role that I have now, There was a lot of ah fear and, you know, again, part of part of my story is experiencing some church hurt from leaders. And, you know, from that trauma, there's always this this fear that I'm going to hurt or wound someone in the way that I was wounded.
00:13:29
Speaker
And the last thing I would want to do is just to cause anyone else pain or any anyone else suffering. um And so that resulted in a lot of fear and overcorrection. And, you know, I like was like really focused on what I said it and how I acted. Now, hear me. There's nothing wrong with carrying yourself to a certain standard. um But there was a rigidity and a legalism in how I felt like I needed to behave and what I needed to say and how I needed to act.
00:13:58
Speaker
And ah it was last year when I was praying and really honestly being healed from from so much of the lack of grace I gave myself ah that the war that came to mind was play.
00:14:17
Speaker
And it was such an ironic thing because, you know, thinking about back to when I was a child and and play came so natural and freely, I really, it took me a long time to really figure out, okay, what does play look like now? Can I have play and be a minister and work full-time at a church? Like, what does that look like? And what I tell you, it was one of the most beautiful, informative times of my life.
00:14:40
Speaker
because i learned um I learned how to make space for joy, how to slow down and appreciate beauty, how to really learn how to be gentle with myself, and I feel like I have to sit in that a little bit.
00:14:58
Speaker
um
00:15:00
Speaker
I feel like all around we need to learn how to be gentle with ourselves. Yeah. And when I tell you like that was a time where I discovered rediscovered my obnoxious laugh. Oh man, it is loud, it is rambunctious, it is all of the things in between. um But it's also full of joy. And I felt like for the first time, the aspects of my identity, the goofiness, the the playfulness, the... And again, all of the other aspects too, ah i got I just felt like there was just a freedom to be all of what I was and all of who I am.
00:15:42
Speaker
And part of that was also in creating. And so I got back into writing. Honestly, that time led to the creation of this podcast and wanting to explore more storytelling and inviting other people in, while also rediscovering and reclaiming my own voice and believing that I had something to say, something to share.
Embracing Personal Creativity
00:16:05
Speaker
And so, yeah, I feel like there's so many of us who, when we think about creativity, it becomes like this very limited thing. It has to be professional, it has to be to a certain standard, um and we start comparing ourselves to other people. But I think something that I've discovered in this time of of play, of discovering the depths of my own self,
00:16:31
Speaker
is that it's going to be different because I'm different. your How you are creative, how you connect to the world around you, how you reflect the image of God in which you carry is going to be different than me and that's beautiful and that's great, that's amazing. um I am recording this episode after spending time in a room with people um who love the Lord, who are exploring their own creativity, um whether it's from charcoal to um words,
00:17:06
Speaker
ah ah to poetry, to what like whatever it is. like People are connecting and and revealing in the revealing themselves in a way that others can connect and feel seen. um And just the power that happens when we are authentically and unapologetically ourselves in the ways in which we were intended to be. There's just such a freedom in that and so I just really
00:17:35
Speaker
I wish I could tell you like, oh my gosh, I figured it all out. Like I'm a professional writer. I do the stuff for the living for a living. No, literally tonight when I'm sharing my work, um and we've been meeting now for six months, I'm sharing my work and I still get just as nervous. I still get just as anxious because there's a vulnerability that is required.
00:17:56
Speaker
But there's also such a joy and a freedom in being able to, again, like i like I was when I was a child, to create a world and to fight others into it, to be able to name what's happening internally without shame or without fear, knowing that we get to share in the same emotion.
00:18:18
Speaker
That is just so powerful. And so whether that is um you are creative in how you problem solve, I argue with my coworker that how he does spreadsheets is a form of creativity. He does not believe me. I say it is because he's able to take something out of nothing and make it make sense, make it translate to people regardless of um their wiring or their understanding I was like that is such a gift like you are making the things that seem so simple simple right like it sounds crazy like you're like we all have the same emotions we all there are a lot of things that unify us but to be able to
00:19:10
Speaker
Have someone see the world as you do, even for a moment. There's just so much freedom in that. And
Sharing Creative Work and Impact
00:19:17
Speaker
lastly, before I i share, i I also think it's important to remember that, you know, for for I know for me, when I write my poetry, there are poems that, you know, are meant to be just between me and God. theyre They are not...
00:19:34
Speaker
um
00:19:37
Speaker
I'm trying to figure out how to praise it. Some of them are not authentic, they are authentic, but it's just meant to be something that's shared between friends, right? Versus the poems that are meant to be shared because in my own struggle someone else can also feel known and seen. um And so I say this to say, even if, like for me, I write because it allows me to make sure that my heart and my mind and my body and my soul are connected and it's in the language in which I um experience the world around me and my creator.
00:20:16
Speaker
But I know that at the end of the day, if i have if I read my poem or share my poem and only one person reads it, but it impacts them, it changes them, it helps them in any way, it's worth it. And so I say that to you, if writing, if drawing, if painting, if needlework, if watercolors, whatever it is, if it impacts one person, even if it's just you,
00:20:45
Speaker
It matters, it's significant. So let's not allow fear or doubt or comparison, get in the way of
00:20:58
Speaker
Rediscovering ourselves, giving ourselves the grace to um wrestle and to explore and to try something and to fail at something ah and then to find the things that we're good at and the things that we wanna share. give Let's give ourselves permission. If I can do it, you can do it as well. So let's learn how to play.
00:21:24
Speaker
So the poem I'm gonna read you, is actually the first poem I shared. So ah six months ago when I'm in this ah group, um i which is so funny, I felt the burden to create a space for creatives within the church for several years. And it just seems so ironic that at ah at a time where I'm rediscovering what play looks like and what it means and creating the podcast, that I would feel also this heavy burden to invite other creatives in.
00:21:55
Speaker
And as I'm inviting other people in to like share their work, to share their vision for the space, we make an agreement that, you know, this is also gonna be a space where we affirm one another, where we build each other up.
00:22:06
Speaker
um where we share our work with one another. Now I was like, ah excuse me. I was cool with just coming to the space and writing and we just say our little prayer and we go. um You want me to actually share my work. And that's crazy because you know, help create the space. But when I tell you the freedom that came in sharing my work,
00:22:27
Speaker
ah in being in a room in a space of of people who believe in me, who trust me, who support me, who just want to love on me and are ready to enter the emotion, the experience, the world um that much that I'm creating through words is just... I'm just very thankful.
Introduction of 'Tangled Knotted' Poem
00:22:53
Speaker
And so ah this is the first one I shared. It's, like I said, from the cabin. So it's a pretty raw in the emotions for sure. um But there is just, yeah, sorry. You guys might be like, Crystal, you keep talking. We just want to hear the poem. I think there's also a little bit of nervousness and even sharing it ah the po on the podcast because ah I wrote it in one of the lowest moments of my life, ah but I hope that
00:23:27
Speaker
by being bold and brave and sharing not only in a space of of six other people, but sharing it with you on the podcast that you may feel seen, that you may feel known and and to know that what you're feeling and the wrestling that you have, um you're not a alone in it. And that you can share your work too. So ah this piece is called Tangled Knotted.
00:23:57
Speaker
Tangled, nodded, are the emotions in my chest, for in silence my heart screams so loud. There's no denying it because it is just me and me. Starting to pick up old armor and weapons for a battle that never seems to end, I cry out, enough. My heart cries, why don't you want me? For I am a part of you.
00:24:27
Speaker
Tangled and knotted, knotted and tangled, I cannot seem to find a way to separate from you. Or did we just come together in the wrong way? Fighting to be one and to be known apart from each other. Afraid, yet there is an unspoken trust. A comforting bond that feels too good to be true. Will you deny me forever? Attempt to erase me.
00:24:56
Speaker
It bubbles to the top, like boiling water, building, getting hotter, ready to change. Nodded and tangled, tangled and knotted, knotted, tangled, I stare at the mess within me. Interwoven emotions of joy, hope, sorrow, hurt, fear, playfulness, anxiety and unrest. Was complexity designed to look like this? Why don't you want me?
00:25:26
Speaker
My heart repeats because to hear you means to name you, to feel you, sitting in the tears I never wanted to shed.
00:25:42
Speaker
Now, that was not an easy one to write or an easy one to read, because um often, you know, It's hard to share the pieces where we are still in the process of, um but there's a beauty in being able to name what makes us human and allowing it to connect even the messy parts of us.
Challenge for Bold Storytelling
00:26:17
Speaker
So I shared, now it's your turn.
00:26:23
Speaker
I want to challenge you guys in the next couple of weeks to create something, anything, and share it with someone who you trust. And if you have no one to share it with, you can share it with me. But let's get comfortable with being bold and brave to share the parts of our stories, the parts that maybe aren't nice and neat and wrapped in a bow, but that are real.
00:26:54
Speaker
and watch the impact that you can truly have.
00:26:59
Speaker
Thank you all so much for listening and I'll see you all next time. Bye.