Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
I am Angry, Now What? Learning How to Better Engage with Our Emotions
42 Plays1 year ago
In this episode, we will be discussing a wide range of topics, including the challenges of stereotypes, counseling, emotions, and more. Charles Tellis, an experienced military leader, will be sharing his views on counseling, navigating emotions in high-stakes situations, and leading others.
If you have any questions or would like to submit topics to discuss on the podcast, please feel free to contact me at unitednotuniform@gmail.com. Also, please note that we will be releasing new episodes every other Friday.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
listening to the United Not Uniform podcast. I am your host, Crystal. The purpose of this podcast is to have intentional spaces that allow and celebrate difference, difference of opinion, experience, and more. In this podcast, we will be able to truly hear and see one another, even when we disagree. What would it look like if we were truly able to see one another, to set aside fear, insecurity, and doubt? To be willing to embrace the silence and let words carry their full weight?
00:00:29
Speaker
If that sounds fun, or at least a tiny bit interesting, you are in the right place.
Guest Introduction: Charles and His Background
00:00:35
Speaker
Together, we will grow as we discuss different topics, hear other stories, and have a few laughs along the way. Welcome to the United Not Uniform podcast, where there is more than enough space for us to be seen and to see others.
00:00:49
Speaker
Well, I am so excited for this episode. I am here with Charles. Charles, do you mind just taking a couple of minutes just to introduce yourself to everybody on the podcast? Hey, good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Whoever this is being broadcast, want to say welcome. Hello, everyone. Again, my name is Charles Telus.
00:01:10
Speaker
you very very pleasure very happy to be here. I am I'm excited for this program a little bit about me. I'm at a juncture in my life of wanting to help people out especially when it comes to strategy and just understand what people might
00:01:31
Speaker
you know, building up this this so called life. Yeah. And that's a lot. That's a huge job in itself. It truly is. So again, background military been almost 28 years. So there's been a lot of things that I've seen some good, good moments and some not
Embracing Experiences for Growth
00:01:53
Speaker
so good moments. But I cherish one of those
00:01:55
Speaker
to each one of those due to the fact that those teachable moments those those life lessons of hey it could I've done it better or hey that's an area that I've thought about but yeah that's probably not right for me and then kind of applying those and utilizing utilizing those types of stuff
00:02:14
Speaker
going forward and trying to practice not only professionally but personally. So yeah, looking forward to the series of questions and I hope that's about it. That is perfect. I mean like I feel like honestly we could end the podcast right there, but I love what you said about there's like strength and there are good aspects of both the opportunities of growth, right? Yes.
00:02:38
Speaker
You can tell I'm like the overly positive person. Opportunity as opposed to like, no, y'all messed up. But, but they really are opportunities to, to really grow and to reflect if we allow those moments to be like that. And so I love how it's like, you're able to see the good in both. Um, and that all in all really makes you a even better person to have all this experience. That's amazing.
00:03:00
Speaker
I think you have to have those in order to be a true, genuine person, not only to kind of see what works best for you, but also see different point of views.
The Role of Emotions and Counseling
00:03:11
Speaker
And I know as we kind of get a little further into the message, you know, how can we look at those different point of views and help us grow as an individual, but more as a community? Yeah, I love that. I'm just ready. I hope you guys are excited because I know I am.
00:03:27
Speaker
So today we are going to be talking about emotions. There's so much in that. There's so much in that. And before we get to go into specific emotions, a lot of you guys know that in some of the other episodes we've kind of touched a little bit on emotions and needs.
00:03:45
Speaker
Today we're going to go a bit deeper with some more specific examples and topics and so often when we talk about emotions it's important that we also talk about counseling and therapy. I myself have been seeing a counselor now for I'd say two years and it has been life-changing for me but I know even in that process of admitting that it might be time to go to counseling and then for
00:04:09
Speaker
finding a counselor and everything. It was really challenging. And so Charles, I would love to hear your thoughts about why you think there's a stigma around counseling. Yeah, great, great point. For me,
00:04:23
Speaker
Again, not a trained professional in psychiatry or having been physically trained in to do any type of like mental health. However, being in the military, they do kind of train you to kind of look for those types of things that, you know, you want to, they may bring up red flag. So from that standpoint, I know as an African American male, you know, I think one of those
00:04:49
Speaker
couple of various reasons of you know that negative stigma when it comes to counseling is I guess the historic trauma in the past. Do you trust the system historically it kind of worked against us, especially from a systemic oppression, racism and also that trauma. I think of just
00:05:14
Speaker
all that oppression and it's like, okay, do I really want, I need to hold that in and reaching out to somebody is like, uh, I don't know. Um, there's also the aspect of the cultural mistrust again, kind of alignment with the historical trauma, but more importantly, the, the, the misalignment of, Hey, I'm seeking professional help with the understanding that, yeah, you're going to help me out, but that may not be the case. The, the,
00:05:40
Speaker
prominent thing that pops out of my mind was the syphilis study. So, you know, you had all these folks injected with syphilis just to see what they're going to try to, you know, what symptoms and not really treat them properly. So that treatment, you're going there to get help and not having the help that you need to help you be a better person or get over a certain particular element. I think those are some of the stigma
00:06:05
Speaker
Of course, the most common one is, hey, I'm strong. I'm independent. I can do this all by myself. As a male, I'm supposed to burden all these things and just muscle through it.
Addressing Stress and Counseling Proactively
00:06:16
Speaker
The resiliency of peace may get us down and just the trying to break through those barriers of being vulnerable and seeming like it's a show of weakness, which is not necessarily the case.
00:06:32
Speaker
having all these different pressures coming in you at one time, bringing up those emotions. And some of these emotions that may be rooted deep, deep, deep, like in your childhood. And you have no idea what you're going to be doing and how you're going to expel that, or not expel it, but kind of
00:06:52
Speaker
Channel it in the right direction. That's very difficult. Again, for me, I'm kind of, I am fortunate enough where being in the military, they kind of identify like, hey, here are some stressors that you might want to look out for, for not only for the other individuals, but those individuals that can be applicable, well, those particular traits that can be applied to you and kind of see where am I at.
00:07:17
Speaker
I know for me, you had mentioned earlier that you go to your attending counseling. I'm currently seeking counsel as well. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Mine is more for
00:07:29
Speaker
the pressures that are coming within the job so for an example as we talked about earlier about all the different pressures I think society as a whole they bring unrealistic pressures on your unrealistic objectives and we place it upon ourselves that we do we want to measure those
00:07:48
Speaker
those accomplishments and so those particular accomplishments may be very unrealistically to a change that is so so good and having those additional pressure on you whether to pressure to perform to maintain that level of steadiness creates a lot of
00:08:05
Speaker
anxiety. And so for me, it's more of, hey, I am seeing the you know, what I got talked about earlier, you see, you see these particular traits that are occurring, you know, the irritability, the mood swings of the irritability, or you're not sleeping properly, you know, some of those indicators that saying that, hey, there's something not just right.
00:08:26
Speaker
What do I need to do? So for me, from my standpoint of view was, hey, I want to be proactive, proactive in order to address those situations more because what I don't want to do is have it fester and just keep inside of me and it's just degrading the personality who I am.
00:08:45
Speaker
and eventually causing either physical, emotional, or spiritual distress. So physical, not of, hey, I'm going to beat somebody up, but more physically, internally, like, hey, am I getting ulcers?
00:09:01
Speaker
Yeah, your body will show. Your body will literally shut down on you. So trying to identify those stressors there to kind of say, hey, I acknowledge that it's there. What can I do to prevent further damage from that aspect? And for me, for the counseling, what I took was the proactive approach of looking at it and saying, hey, I'm seeing these particular indicators in my life.
Generational Trauma and Emotional Health
00:09:24
Speaker
What can I do to address them? But more importantly, how can I mitigate or kind of
00:09:29
Speaker
kind of def kind of mitigate the the problem there yeah it's it's you're always going to have emotions but you want to identify what those emotions are and how you're going to treat them exactly and so i there's so much that you said in that and i don't want us to miss it no don't apologize it's perfect
00:09:46
Speaker
because it's like you have not only what you are experiencing in your own life, but often, especially within the Black community or marginalized communities in general, you have generational trauma that you are carrying, right? And so there's this idea that like, oh, I know for me growing up in West Virginia, where I was oftentimes the only other person of color in the room, or you're navigating like teachers or structures that really don't want you to thrive, right?
00:10:12
Speaker
And you're constantly having to prove yourself yes prove that you can be in this classroom prove that you're smart enough that you Not necessarily are the exception because I think that's important that
00:10:26
Speaker
I feel like that's a separate conversation that I might have to bring you back on for that too because I feel like there's a lot of meat down in there. But you really start to take on all of this pressure and oftentimes our parents are telling us things not to terrorize us but it is traumatizing.
00:10:42
Speaker
at an early age you're learning how you can do yourself in certain situations, what you don't do, how do you dress a certain way, right?
Emotional Vulnerability and Safe Spaces
00:10:50
Speaker
And that's a lot of pressure. And so I love what you said, because it kind of leads up to the second question, and I'm going to offer a little bit of my story in Finding Counselor.
00:10:59
Speaker
my journey when I realized, okay, it might be time for me to have some help because I, so I started going to counseling just because I was starting seminary and they were like, you need to like maybe get into some of the rhythms where you're being cared for, especially if you were working at a local church and in counseling. So like you said, it was like proactive, but I had no idea the drunk I was carrying.
00:11:22
Speaker
Well, that too. So, of course, being in the military, you're exposed to different folks. I have a good chaplain friend, so she's also in the ministry, but just hearing the stories, not knowing the great details, but understanding that the burden that... It's one thing to have your own burden, but as a counselor or as a chaplain or someone in professional faith,
00:11:44
Speaker
hearing it from others and having that transfer of energy dumped onto you. You don't think about that. You don't think about it and it's like, whoa, really? And then they also have to kind of seek professional help to kind of channel that.
00:11:59
Speaker
that negative energy to a positive direction. Same with my profession, you know, being in a leadership position. Yes, it's good to kind of, you know, hey, this, you know, you're trying to make sure you're in a safe and secure environment for your folks, but you're also a listening ear and hearing some of their trauma that they may go through or not even have to be trauma, but some of their life experiences and trying to kind of, you may not have the answers, but you may tell them, hey, I do not have the answers, but I know where, you know, you can get help from.
00:12:29
Speaker
But understanding that you see them on a day-to-day basis and kind of see that they're not just right and you just want to help them out and kind of add on to that. You don't want to be that additional burden or you don't want to have that particular workload be that additional burden where they're also struggling through things as well.
00:12:47
Speaker
And I think what you pointed out, especially if you were in the caretaking profession, and I love how you're talking about even in your leadership position in the military, you were still looking out for the people in which you were supervising. Yes. And so it's so important for you to make sure that you are grounded and that you have outlets. Correct.
00:13:02
Speaker
I love that you said that. So I always like to tell the story because I was so blindsided by the idea that like I guess, especially being in seminary for pastoral care and counseling, I'm all about other people being vulnerable and I'll share parts of my story too.
00:13:18
Speaker
But I had no idea that there was a disconnect between knowing your emotions and allowing yourself to actually feel them. So the example I always like to use is I'm in a counseling session. And my counselor is so phenomenal, by the way, where she was just kind of like, I'll be talking. I'm like, life is great. Everything's fine. And she was just like, well, it started asking me certain questions. And she's like, Crystal, you were talking about a really hard thing.
00:13:43
Speaker
And you were smiling the whole time. Did you realize you were doing that? And I was like, no. And she's like, you're smiling now. Like you talked about a really hard challenging situation. Why are you smiling? And I started getting frustrated. I was like.
00:13:57
Speaker
And
Navigating Professional Settings as a Minority
00:13:58
Speaker
kind of going back to what we were talking about before, it's like, well, you can't dwell on it. You just have to push through. You just have to keep it going. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about, what does it look like for you to actually feel your emotions? And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, display that you're angry. You're angry, right? And I was like, well, how do you do that? I think I'm going to catch her up. How do you display anger? And she just acted out the anger that she felt so easily. And I started getting frustrated because I was like, why is it so hard for me? I know the emotion. I know that there's anger.
00:14:27
Speaker
But why can't I act it out? And so she did, she had me do this assignment and again, it's a video call. So it's very humbling when someone's telling you to do something on a video call. And so she was like, I want you to stand up and yes, I can see you on the camera. And she was like, I want you to act out what anger is. And it was something about standing up and having to think about how do I actually like demonstrate with my body that I feel that anger. I started crying and she was like, Oh,
00:14:52
Speaker
I was just like, Crystal, tell me what's going on. Tell me, what are you feeling? What's coming up? And I realized, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm hurt. I'm feeling hurt. But it was something about having to stand up and kind of get out of my comfort zone to realize the disconnect and kind of align it with both my body and what I was feeling and what I was demonstrating. And so I love, I know that's a lot, but it's just like,
00:15:19
Speaker
Feel like when I talk to other people about that in today's world It's not uncommon like to be able to name Oh, I'm feeling angry and we're gonna get a dive a little bit more into anger in the next question But I want us to spend a little bit more time on like this idea of Why do you think that it's like it's we name the emotions, but we don't allow ourselves to feel it. Yeah, so I
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah, that's a great question. Being in a professional setting that I'm in, you're trained to acknowledge it, but to your point not to feel it, because then it kind of
00:16:00
Speaker
You're supposed to be the constant and guiding light to help those who are in your command kind of make sure that the organization will strive. So if they don't, it's kind of like a double-edged sword because you're there. Yes, you may be angry at somebody, but you can't physically show that emotion to them. So you have to
00:16:21
Speaker
Channel it in a way that it's more conducive for them to understand what the importance of you know This particular assignment was to get the mission completed Which is you know you you you some some leaders do it
00:16:36
Speaker
better than others, some, some others, some leaders, they, they don't, they will let you know, you will physically see how they're like, get red in the face or throw some objects around you, it all depends on that personality. But you know, you're typically taught to kind of put that in a box for
Understanding and Managing Emotions
00:16:53
Speaker
now. And then yes, just
00:16:55
Speaker
say the words but kind of keep those real raw emotions deep down inside and kind of muster through. Yeah so then when do you like have an opportunity to like then process and like release it? Right so for us it's more like you really don't. Wow. And that's and it goes back to like my particular situation is like yes you're festering you're putting this in the box and it just stays there and it just grows and grows and grows.
00:17:18
Speaker
And then you see the second and third order effects of it. You're more irritable. You're not sleeping at night. You're frustrated. You're not eating right. You're not sleeping right. And those warning flags flare up. And to me, I'm seeing these warning flags. And those are indicators like, hey,
00:17:34
Speaker
I'm not in distress now, but I'm definitely seeing these stressors. What are some of the coping tools that I can use today to mitigate that to become a worse problem down the road? And so from a counseling standpoint, yes, you kind of understand it, but it's very helpful to have that one-on-one conversation with someone who is trained.
00:17:52
Speaker
to say, hey, I understand. I hear what you're going through. Here are some of the things that you could be doing. Here are some mindful techniques that you can use. You can detach yourself from the situation. So there are various of techniques that those trained professionals can help those individuals when it comes to how do you process that raw emotion and understand what it's not only doing to you internally, but externally as well. I love that.
00:18:19
Speaker
I'm gonna, cause I'm gonna go a little bit further. Cause I love having a male on here to talk about emotions and counseling and everything. I don't feel like, especially within the black community, I don't feel like we hear that enough. But I also love what you said about having that space where you can be safe to be vulnerable and share that. Because not everybody, y'all you need to hear us, not everybody,
00:18:46
Speaker
I'm trying to figure out how to phrase it in a way. There are some people that may not necessarily be for you, but I think, especially if there are people who are not at the same maturity that you are at, whether emotional intelligence, spiritual intelligence, they can only do so much, right? And I know I've learned that the hard way when I was trying to go around counseling and trying to make other people my counselor who were not trained and ended up getting hurt and burned, and so there's a difference when you go to counseling.
00:19:12
Speaker
I'm gonna ask you a two-part question. When you talked about, especially in the military, how you have to kind of bottle it up and package it, can you also share a little bit about maybe the male perspective? And you can keep it in your own experience as well, because you can't speak for all men, but I think it's important to hear male voices when we're talking about emotions and feeling that. And then also, what would you say to someone, a male, who was thinking about, or is really struggling and has been wrestling with the idea of going to counseling?
00:19:40
Speaker
I'll start with the first one first. So as a African American male, in senior leadership positions, you know, you, you do have those added pressures. So you had indicated earlier in your childhood that you were the only
00:19:58
Speaker
African-American student in that classroom as you get up to whether what I've seen and I can only share my Personal experience what I've seen as you continue to go up those higher ranking rates ranks officially in the official Community yeah
00:20:17
Speaker
I am usually the only one of color in the rooms.
Representation in Counseling and Stereotypes
00:20:21
Speaker
And so you're looking around and like, okay, that's it, it's me? All right, okay, got it. You feel that pressure like you have to perform, that you have to justify why you are there. Unfortunately, the folks in the podcast can't see me, but people have been told that, told me that, yeah, you pretty look, you pretty look young for your, you know, your age of your stature and the senior ranks.
00:20:46
Speaker
position. So I get that a lot. So not only you're a minority, you know, minority, but you know, I don't look the part of being a senior official. So it's like, okay, now you have to even compete not only because you're the only African American person minority in the room, but now you have the age appearance that is going after you. Which many people would say is a gift. It's so I love
00:21:11
Speaker
I love that you pointed that out. No, but it is. If you look younger, that's a whole other barrier that we don't talk about. And I realize that as I talk to folks, it's like they get the stinky eye face to me. I'm like, what do you know? You're young. You haven't been exposed to a certain thing.
00:21:30
Speaker
Yeah, I've been exposed to a lot of things. And then once you break down that barrier, start talking, communicating with them, and this goes into the second part of just communication of, you know, what can we do as, you know, being positive to promote, you know, counseling, you have to have that open dialect. Yeah. So going back, really back in, you know, having that communication, you know, kind of breaking down those barriers,
00:21:55
Speaker
of saying that, hey, yeah, I'm here just as equal as you, that definitely plays heavily upon it. And then just the fact that you still want to provide for your family. You have all these different organizational stressors that come on. You have different tasking that's being placed upon you. And oh, by the way,
00:22:15
Speaker
There's limited resources like manning resources or even particular funding resources that kind of constrain you. So with all those compound pressures and still trying to compete to the peak performance that you're supposed to do, that adds up over time. And that's, I think, one of the things that we don't really understand or don't really get a good grasp on is the fact that this is not a, oh, it all hit you at one time.
00:22:40
Speaker
And then you're like, Oh, I need to see professional counseling. It's more of it's a gradual process. It's like boiling, you know, you've heard the story about, Hey, how do you can, you know, you can cook a frog in boiling water, you could just let them in there and just slowly turn the temperature up. And you can, you know, basically kill them that way. Because he's that frog is so accustomed to the heat until it realizes that it's boiled and it's boiled to death.
00:23:04
Speaker
And so I think I told the story wrong, but the gist of it is still the same, which is, hey, you're in the pot of water. You're in the factor of all these different factors that are going on that's stressing you out, stressing you out. And you're just there sitting in it. You're not doing anything to it to address it. And as the temperature continues to rise, you're still in it, not doing anything to combat it. And by the time it gets to that boiling point, that trigger point, you're done.
Masculinity, Emotions, and Support Structures
00:23:31
Speaker
Yeah, ooh, that's good, that's good. And I think that's a perfect segue into anger. Okay. So what was interesting to me is that I learned that anger, I mean, like, again, it is an emotion, anger is an emotion. Yes. But oftentimes it has a partner. It's not the only emotion, not all the time, right? But oftentimes there's a friend and I, and the example that I provided earlier, I was really feeling hurt and it was something about,
00:24:00
Speaker
the fact that I felt hurt, there was shame, there was pride mixed in there, there was a little bit of a rejection, right? And how I kind of masked all of that as anger, and I felt more comfortable being angry. It was easier for me to say I was angry than to admit I was hurt, right? And so, yeah, I just love to hear your thoughts on that. And like, yeah.
00:24:23
Speaker
Yes. So you do see that, I think, and it's not just in the military, but you see that whether it's in the private sector or anywhere. And it's all about the human behavior trait. How vulnerable are we? I think that's the key of it.
00:24:41
Speaker
You know, we all have faults and I and one of the things I tell folks is hey, I'm not perfect. I know I'm going to make mistakes. But guess what? I'm going to try to not understand the mistake, identify the mistake and kind of not and hopefully not to repeat that mistake. Yeah. And so there may be times where you you say something.
00:24:59
Speaker
do something out of spite or anger, but that's probably because you're probably embarrassed. And how do you relate that vulnerability to somebody that, hey, I'm angry because either you're ashamed of something, you're trying to mask it with anger.
00:25:19
Speaker
Again, it goes back to that open dialogue of having that one-on-one conversation with the individual and not just make it a transactional relationship. Yeah. For counseling, trying to understand that you're not a weak person. Right.
00:25:39
Speaker
You're trying to be vulnerable because you want to break down those barriers. You want to kind of understand why am I feeling this way? One thing that I want to stress more than anything is the fact that
00:25:53
Speaker
You know, it's okay. It's okay to kind of seek professional help or it's okay to, you know, understand that we're all not perfect and it's hard at times, especially when you have pressures coming on you to compete and perform and say, no, you got to do it this, you have to do it this specific way at this particular time, at this specific juncture. And that may not be the case. It may not work for everyone that way. You may, there may be another road to follow to get you to where you need to go. And will that encounter
00:26:22
Speaker
trials and tribulations? Absolutely. But that's how we learn from one another. And I think what we need to do from that anger standpoint is kind of, yes, one acknowledges it's there. Got it? How do we channel it into something more productive? How can we make it more of a
00:26:38
Speaker
life lessons or a teachable moment, not only to us, but to other folks. And do it in a productive way where you can kind of be that mentor to somebody to say, hey, I've been down that shoe before and it doesn't look good. Yeah. And so going into my other argument, you brought up a good point of, you know, from an African male standpoint, you know, why, why
00:27:06
Speaker
Why are we not doing more to kind of promote that? I think the lack of representation in the counseling profession. That's a good point. Is always huge. You know, you know, we are, we're kind of the byproduct of what we see. And so if we don't see anything like there to say, Hey, I am, you know, such and such, and I do seek professional help in this, or better yet, actually seeing counselors out there to say, Hey, I am a counselor. I do this, this, and I take insurance. Let's be real. Yeah. Sorry. Keep going.
00:27:35
Speaker
Right. No, no. You know, that or you know, you see Jake from State Farm and life insurance out there. But you know, you got to you have to promote people up there to kind of say, hey, yes, it's okay. It's all right. I think that lack of diversity kind of also attributes to the fact that, well, I don't really see anyone like me.
Code-Switching and Emotional Alignment
00:27:52
Speaker
So I guess it's only me. And that may not be the case.
00:27:55
Speaker
yeah oh that's so good because i i wanted to make sure i made that connection too because it's like you're angry but you can't be too angry or you'll be the angry well speaking of myself black woman right right and so you're trying to it's almost like you are trying to
00:28:12
Speaker
not allow yourself, it's like you don't want to come up a certain way because you don't want to be confrontational or the angry one, so you're trying to run from the stereotypes, but then at the same time you're denying your humanity, and at the same time it's like you also
00:28:29
Speaker
have a week. I know we're not trying to use the word weakness, but there are times where I know I feel weak or I want to be cared for or there's a need that's unmet. Let's phrase it that way, right? And I think the impact of the stereotypes on how we are
00:28:44
Speaker
like really trying to control our emotions, especially when you are from a community that has experienced a lot of marginalization, oppression, or where you are the other. And it's just so many layers that you're putting on yourself. I have a personal story on that one. A few years, like five, maybe even six, seven years ago, to your point Afari, how much emotion can you exhibit, especially as a minority? Yeah.
00:29:11
Speaker
Here I am having a trip going from DC to Pennsylvania and at the airport.
00:29:22
Speaker
bad weather coming in. Got it. And you're having people. Yeah. You're having people like, Hey, what should we do? You know, the plane is getting delayed and delayed, delayed. You got people up there saying that, Hey, should I, you know, Pennsylvania from DC is not that far. Hey, should we go ahead and rent a car and drive somewhere else? Or we just wait. Um, bottom line, the plane gets canceled and people are like, you
00:29:46
Speaker
You could have done that way earlier. Not only me, but a lot of other people were kind of angry, frustrated of the situation. And so people were exhibiting their frustration on the individual who was like, hey, we're trying to do as best as we can. And people were talking to the gentleman and he was like, hey, I understand.
00:30:07
Speaker
you know, the constraints we're doing, everything we can do to kind of see what you're doing, you know, everyone is showing their emotions, you know, very frustrated. I'm, I don't, I wanted to weigh in too. Cause I was like, yes, you know, you tell me that, you know, we've been sitting here for like two hours and you know, here we are almost nine, 10 o'clock at night and you're now going to cancel it. How are we going to get there? Oh my gosh. You would thought I would have, uh, blew up and then, you know, it was when you said something, it was when I said something and you're like,
00:30:34
Speaker
Wait a minute, all these other people who probably were a little more voiceless than me, and you're going to attack me. So you get that, well, was it, hey, why? And of course, the guy was very upset. Like, well, you need to calm down. Like, calm down? I am calm down.
Conclusion and Gratitude
00:30:51
Speaker
I'm just expressing logically what has happened, and here are the processes, and you tell them you can't do that. Oh, I hate when people say calm down. But here's the kicker. So the guy leaves and all this other stuff.
00:31:02
Speaker
white lady, white, older lady, she come back to me and said, I don't know what he's talking about. I think out of all of us, you were the most common collective of the approach. Wow. And I'm like, she acknowledged like, what is going on? So I'm like, are you really like, well, that helped me. That kind of gave me some saving grace. And I kind of, cause I'm thinking I really, maybe I do need to check my attitude. I'm like,
00:31:25
Speaker
Second doubting myself because I'm I'm thinking like yeah, yes, I am angry, but I'm not showing that emotion That's because of the military training piece, but I'm like hey, this is why we're frustrated These are the things there are multiple times where you could have done this And then she comes up to me. It's like yeah I don't know what he was talking about because out of all of us here when we were like going irate at him like oh my gosh You could have done this
00:31:49
Speaker
you were the most calm collective person who kind of illustrated what was going on and he's gonna you know tell you to you know calm down I was like whoa yes so yes but thank you you saw it thank you
00:32:04
Speaker
But to your point of, you know, understanding, you know, as a minority and kind of displaying that emotion out in public, you do have to not only be mindful of it, but be mindful of the consequences that it may have the second, third order effect.
00:32:21
Speaker
Ooh, and then you also add this layer of masculinity, and there's a whole lot of conversations about what is masculinity and hyper-masculinity. I'm not gonna ask you to define that. That would be a little bit mean. And probably, again, a separate podcast. For sure. But it's like, there's, I, again, outside looking in, because I am not a male, but I would imagine, even with that, in what you can share in the types of relationships that you have,
00:32:50
Speaker
I mean can you just tell a little bit more about that like what does that look like if I was say a male that was like really struggling but I didn't really have those safe spaces in my friendships because we don't really talk about emotions like that like what would I do?
00:33:05
Speaker
I think it's going to be a lot tougher for me to express. I can share only my experiences, but for those who may not, one thing being in the military that they do do will and is under, we call what's called a general military training GMTs.
00:33:24
Speaker
and every year you go through these series of training and these trainings are kind of repetitive so they kind of ingrain into you what are some of those tripwires to look out for for individuals because it's pretty in the military it's not just a person of one it's it's us together as a team
00:33:43
Speaker
And so if you're down, that means you could be the potential weakest link or you want to look out for that next guy who you want to take care of out for you. The Army calls them battle buddies or Navy calls them shipmates. So you want to look out for that individual. So for me as an African American male, you do, you know,
00:34:05
Speaker
look out for other folks and kind of see, hey, are you doing okay? And ask those genuine questions like, hey, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. No, no, no. Are you? Are you okay? And it's okay. And you'd be surprised sometimes you'll they'll, they'll still say, yeah, but, and then you start digging a little bit more. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But okay.
00:34:25
Speaker
Can we get to the point that when we actually ask somebody how they're doing, that we actually want to know how they're doing? Can we just agree, listeners? So that's what we start doing. Because I even like, I work at a local church, right? And it will be Sunday. And I am asking people like, how are you doing? And they'll be like, good. And I'm like,
00:34:43
Speaker
how are you doing? And then it's like the pause, like you said, they can actually think about it. Or even when they ask me and I'm like, I'm okay. And they're like, you're good. I was like, no, I said, I'm okay. And it's like, if you want to know more, ask me. But let's be honest about how we come to spaces. I agree. And then you have to be well, when you say it, be prepared to share.
00:35:06
Speaker
You don't have to be an open font or show them your journal if you write one like me. But yeah, I think that's a good point. But sometimes too, you got to be careful too because some people out there will share and it's like, hey, how are you doing? I'm not doing too good. And this is the reason why you're like, oh, okay, let me dial it back a little bit. Let me make sure I'm in the right frame so I can, if I am ready to receive it.
00:35:25
Speaker
How do I need to make sure that's that individual? So I know it sometimes goes both ways. But for going again back as an African American male in a predominantly white arena,
00:35:41
Speaker
It is challenging at times. You do see situations where, hey, I am the only person of color in the room here. You'd kind of code switch in a way. I know we don't really talk about it in this format, but you do kind of sometimes have to code switch to kind of let the
00:36:05
Speaker
know your audience, kind of understand what the audience is, and then go back to kind of process everything through. And that, again, over time, that stuff builds up. And so you need to have that outlet. How do you process, how do you understand what you've actually gone through and take deliberate time? That was another thing for me, why I wanted to do counseling, because I know
00:36:27
Speaker
Yes, I have all these techniques that I can use, but I really wasn't processing in the end. I wasn't designating time to let it manifest and kind of understand, like, is that what I'm really feeling? Yeah, and getting to the deep root, it's hard to do it by yourself. Absolutely. And you need to have someone else that's like, okay, you said this. Oh, I hate when my counselor does that, but I need it. When they read right back what you said, like you don't realize some of the words that come out of your mouth and your words have power, right? Correct. Yes.
00:36:55
Speaker
And I'll be like, oh, no, I didn't say that. And then I just hear the pages flipping back. And I'm like, oh, no, I did say it. But it's so important. It is. It's very important. So again, from a male standpoint of view is being vulnerable. I know a bunch of, we were hanging around with a bunch of fellas. And it's like, hey, yeah, we all want to have that tough masculine person. Like, yeah, we got it. No problem. And all that.
00:37:23
Speaker
you do need to have your circle of trust. I think that's the other important thing is understanding, one, have a circle of trust and understanding who's your circle of trust. You can't let everybody in your circle of trust. No, you cannot. I think that's, and that's gonna be on the individual on do you trust that person with the shared information with that knowledge.
00:37:45
Speaker
Yeah, that's so good. I feel like we've talked about so many things. We're going to have to obviously bring Charles back because we already talked about like at least three other podcast episodes. So I feel like we get like the best guest. I love it. The last question I had, I feel like you've touched on it already. But as we are winding down, I'm going to ask this question, but feel free to add anything else that you feel like you haven't had a chance to share yet.
00:38:10
Speaker
But how do we navigate emotions in stressful and high-stakes situations? Again, you've touched on it already. But if there's anything else that you feel would be relevant to share on this episode, feel free. Good. One, I think you need to have, and whether you do seek counseling or not, I think it's very important, and it goes back to that circle of trust, have at least one person, individual who's accountable for it, who you can be accountable for. Yeah.
00:38:40
Speaker
I'm blessed with having a wonderful help meet my wife who I'm able to springboard questions and answers off of. I love love and talking about marriage. It gives those of us who are single hope.
00:38:56
Speaker
but no I'm in a unique situation because my wife she was also military and so it was very relatable she could understand what I was going through because again she was of a color and the only minority in the room so she could definitely relate
00:39:16
Speaker
Um, so it, it helps. So having that accountability person there to help you out, um, to kind of help springboard you and saying that, Hey, am I right? Or being, being someone there to help you be accountable for your actions. Um, the other thing is.
00:39:35
Speaker
and this is where it's gonna have to take time, is finding your true north. What is your true north? It's gonna be an evolution process and for those in the audience not understanding what a true north is, what is your value? What do you value? Because a lot of the things that we kind of perceive that this important to us may not be truly the right thing. So what do you value? For me,
00:40:02
Speaker
a little bit of insight, some personal insight. My value kind of is like the bedrock of two things, the bedrock of fulfillment and then inner peace. And so from that inner peace and that fulfillment, I then kind of build up pillars around it. But I talked about my pillars, the North Star, and then far as my personal experience or my personal values is the, I start off with a bedrock called, or my bedrock, which is
00:40:32
Speaker
Fulfillment and inner peace and from that from that inner peace. I have core principles that I use or pillars that I use Within my value system and I'm those values systems are my core values and those core values are consistent consistency Consistency I know it's a hard word to say hard word to say but consistency ownership respectful and excellence so from a Consistency standpoint it's more of you know maintaining
00:41:01
Speaker
being there, being people. So from my experience, people always talk about, hey, I want to be treated fair. The problem with fairness, and there's nothing wrong with fairness.
00:41:13
Speaker
My standpoint from fairness is more of, hey, what may be fair to you may not be fair to me. It's like looking at the number nine. On one side is number six, and the other side is number nine. Who's right? But if you're consistent in something that you do, OK, they know consistently that you will maintain this level of you name whatever you're doing. And so you want to be consistent in your actions. Ownership standpoint far as accountability. This goes back to being accountable to
00:41:43
Speaker
what you do, you know, just not pawn it off to anybody. And I like how does this relate to emotions and all that, you know, if you understanding what your core values are, you know, you kind of help, it kind of helps guide you that north star from a navigation standpoint, it kind of helps you kind of navigate to going back to your true north, what is my what are my values. So that's why I'm kind of sharing my perspective.
00:42:04
Speaker
of what these core values are. And again, consistency, ownership, respectful, excellence. So I talked about consistency. I talked about ownership. Now, the remaining two is respectful. Being respectful for others. You don't know what that other individual may have gone through that particular day. They may have had the worst day of their life, and then you don't want to be that additional thing that says, hey,
00:42:28
Speaker
My day is all bad and it's just got a whole bunch of worse So you want to be mindful being respectful for any in the individual and I I try to apply that no matter how far up the food chain I am to the Indirect person who is you know helping out with the burgers and at the food joint and say hey, thank you sir You know being being respectful that in that individual and then also the last one is the excellence piece being being
00:42:57
Speaker
Excellence in a sense of you're always striving to improve yourself. And again, from a counseling standpoint or emotion standpoint, recognizing that, hey, we're all going through these emotions. Yes, we're all imperfect, but how more importantly are we to improve ourselves to get better? So to strive to go into that better. So those are my core principles, my core values that I used off of a bedrock to help me to make sure that I'm in alignment with my true north. And so when those emotions do arise and they will arise, whether it's anger,
00:43:27
Speaker
Envy jealous or it could be the good ones Yes, it could be but you don't want to you don't want you want to find out who you are And so when you are at your best you want to know how you're doing and where you are And what is your guideposts and understanding what your true north is will help you kind of steer you back off You'll see you back on course of where you need to be
00:43:49
Speaker
I love that. And I want to clarify, cause I did say I made a joke, but I was, I want to be clear. Our emotions by themselves are not good or bad. It's rather how we respond to them because they tell us about what's going on internally. So I love what you said, Charles, about how, you know, once we find our true North, what our, what our values are, if we are in situations or our behaviors or anything is not lining up with what our value is, you're going to experience that emotion, that dissonance, right?
00:44:15
Speaker
And so how do we use our emotions and allowing ourselves to feel that to go deeper to point us back to our north? I love that. And each of those motions, you know, we always have a negative connotation with anger. Anger can be good. It helps you feel you.
00:44:31
Speaker
Passion. Yes, you're very passionate about something that use that passion to drive you to your true north And so those are the things that you want to do, you know We talk about having you know, you see the sports sports analogy of hey, you know you you lose a game You're you're angry. You're angry. It's good good that you're angry use that drive use that anger to make yourself better and
00:44:51
Speaker
Right. I mean, it's there, but you gotta be mindful of how you use it, to your point. Yes, we have all these different motions, but how do you apply it? And you just don't willy-nilly and say, well, I'm just gonna apply it over here, fling it over there and kinda see how it goes. No, that's where your value system kicks in and says, okay, what is gonna fuel me? Is it gonna be this? Am I gonna purchase? You wanna be in alignment of how you're trying to navigate to where you wanna be that better person.
00:45:18
Speaker
I love it. Charles, thank you so much for being on this episode. I think everybody's gonna agree that Charles has to come back, obviously. Thank you so much for being on this podcast with me and with us. Just remember everybody that there is more than enough space for you to be seen and to see others. I'll see you all next time.