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Clocking Out of Toxic Jobs and Toxic Men with Fleeksie
51 Plays8 months ago
Diana is joined by joined by the ever-fabulous Fleeksie to dive into the parallels between toxic workplaces and toxic relationships.
Follow the Fleekazoid podcast on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2Y8Pkk3pUZUVHCKbXbN6ef and Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/fleekazoid/id1566006317
Download the FDS Handbook for free here: https://pdfcoffee.com/fds-handbook-v135-pdf-free.html
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Transcript
Introduction of Fleeksy and Her Influence
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:04
Speaker
I am your host, Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And today we have an extra special guest, someone I've been following for a really long time.
00:00:12
Speaker
It's Fleeksy!
00:00:15
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm so excited to have you on today.
00:00:19
Speaker
I've been following you for at least about four years now.
00:00:22
Speaker
In the pre-talk, I told Fleeksy, I was like, I've been following you since you had blonde hair.
00:00:26
Speaker
So it's been that long.
00:00:28
Speaker
And yeah, I mean, I really love your content.
00:00:30
Speaker
It's just been so fun.
00:00:32
Speaker
I'm like really into makeup and stuff as well.
00:00:34
Speaker
So it's just like, I feel like it's strange to say I grew up with you because I think we're about the same age.
00:00:38
Speaker
But I feel like I've grown with you.
00:00:41
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:00:41
Speaker
I feel like I've grown with you.
00:00:42
Speaker
And like, I've seen your journey.
00:00:44
Speaker
And I just appreciate how vulnerable you are.
00:00:46
Speaker
And just I feel like I'm rooting for you on the side, because it's so nice to see someone who's so real.
00:00:51
Speaker
And you're on so many platforms and you've just maintained the sense of authenticity and just wonderful to your listeners and your audience.
00:00:58
Speaker
And just giving such sound advice that I was like, when I saw that you'd posted a comment on our April Fool's prank, which I was very excited to make.
00:01:06
Speaker
That was the one who made that, by the way.
00:01:08
Speaker
I was like, oh my God, I saw Fleeks.
00:01:10
Speaker
And I was like, it's a sign.
00:01:11
Speaker
It's a sign.
00:01:11
Speaker
I need to reach out to her.
00:01:12
Speaker
Because when, you know, when we got the gig, we were asked to like put up, put together a list of people we wanted to get on the podcast.
00:01:18
Speaker
And you were one of the people on mine.
00:01:20
Speaker
So I'm so excited that we got to do this today.
00:01:22
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:01:22
Speaker
Thank you.
00:01:25
Speaker
I'm like silently having my hand over my chest right now.
00:01:28
Speaker
Like I'm so touched.
00:01:30
Speaker
Well, I mean, I genuinely think it warrants it because I think that, you know, there's very few TikTokers.
00:01:37
Speaker
I mean, I wouldn't categorize you as just that, but like very few content creators and very few people are making the kind of content that you're making.
00:01:43
Speaker
That's not just based on women settling and women.
00:01:45
Speaker
putting up with the bullshit that men dole out to us.
00:01:48
Speaker
And so I think that at the time when you were coming up to it was just like a moment of reckoning.
00:01:52
Speaker
I think a lot of women who were, you know, stuck in COVID were finally realizing that they were like in relationships with ancient men.
00:01:59
Speaker
And they needed that kind of content.
00:02:01
Speaker
And I think, you know, the algorithm is algorithmic because, you know, you get recommended people who you automatically align with.
00:02:06
Speaker
And I was always getting recommended your videos.
00:02:08
Speaker
And I was like, well, definitely, there's something here, you know, and I've been following you for a while.
00:02:12
Speaker
And I just really love your content.
00:02:13
Speaker
So that's there.
00:02:14
Speaker
Now I'm my fangirling is I mean, it's going to continue.
00:02:18
Speaker
But for now, we have paused it.
00:02:20
Speaker
Yeah, well, thank you.
00:02:21
Speaker
And to speak to your point of feeling like we grew up together.
00:02:24
Speaker
To me, it feels like I don't want to say high school or like college, but it's like we spent the last four years and we're like watching everybody develop at the same time.
00:02:31
Speaker
We feel like a graduating class.
00:02:33
Speaker
Exactly right.
00:02:34
Speaker
Because we've come to these conclusions at the same time about
Impact of Female Dating Strategy on Perspectives
00:02:37
Speaker
men.
00:02:37
Speaker
And I think, you know, one of the things I just want to get into today is, you know, can you tell us about like how you found out about FDS and, you know, what was your journey with the female dating strategy in general?
00:02:46
Speaker
Like, how do you find out about us?
00:02:48
Speaker
Yeah, so my family is more of the Reddit using type of internet explorers, I guess you could say.
00:02:55
Speaker
My followers were the ones who actively use FDS.
00:02:58
Speaker
And I think some of you guys, not some of you, but...
00:03:00
Speaker
specifically, like people on FDS would post my content and reshare it there.
00:03:04
Speaker
So I was notified that I was being posted on that platform.
00:03:07
Speaker
Then in 2021, when I guess the vaccinations started flowing through everybody, we all started dating again.
00:03:15
Speaker
There was one guy that I called hemorrhoids on my, I want to say is it Ninja Dusty's episode?
00:03:21
Speaker
It was so funny.
00:03:21
Speaker
But his name was hemorrhoids.
00:03:23
Speaker
And he said that he was looking for an FDS
00:03:26
Speaker
FDS girl.
00:03:27
Speaker
And I had no idea what that meant at the time or like what that entailed or why him even being on Reddit would be a red flag.
00:03:34
Speaker
That's how I got acclimated to the conversations that were happening in that space.
00:03:38
Speaker
And I found my way to your podcast.
00:03:40
Speaker
And I just watched every single episode down to like the transition moment when you guys joined on.
00:03:46
Speaker
And I was just very invested in the content and the teachings and I would pass them on to my followers.
00:03:51
Speaker
And I'd be like, you guys, that's from FDS.
00:03:53
Speaker
Like you guys got to listen to them.
00:03:54
Speaker
Yeah, and it's so wild, right?
00:03:55
Speaker
Because I mean, I remember like when I found that the subreddit, they used to get like brigaded a lot.
00:04:00
Speaker
And they used to get like a lot of hate from the other Reddit groups.
00:04:02
Speaker
And like I was in Reddit groups that were like unrelated to dating content in general, like makeup or fashion or whatever, you know what I mean?
00:04:08
Speaker
Like things that were very benign.
00:04:10
Speaker
When I saw the content on the forum, I was like, I don't understand how any of this is considered extreme.
00:04:15
Speaker
If anything, it just seems like a good dose of common sense, you know?
00:04:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:19
Speaker
And it seemed like common sense at that time, especially that I needed because like the advice that I was getting while I was dating was just very contradictory and very unhelpful.
00:04:27
Speaker
And I was like, well, this sounds sound.
00:04:30
Speaker
Yeah, the moderators at the time were doing a good job because I was like, who's attacking you?
00:04:34
Speaker
I don't see them.
00:04:36
Speaker
Exactly.
00:04:36
Speaker
And so I mean, I mean, you would only hear about it, like if you were in another subreddit, and they were like, Oh, don't go there.
00:04:41
Speaker
But like, obviously, you know, I'm a human being.
00:04:43
Speaker
I'm curious.
00:04:44
Speaker
I'm like, why should I not go there?
00:04:45
Speaker
So I would go and I'd be like, Well, I don't understand.
00:04:48
Speaker
What's the problem?
00:04:49
Speaker
I don't understand, you know, even calling it a subreddit just feels so wrong, because it's infiltrated culture on like a mass scale.
00:04:56
Speaker
I'm like sub?
00:04:57
Speaker
No, babe, it's like dominion.
00:04:59
Speaker
It's a movement, right?
00:05:01
Speaker
And yeah,
00:05:02
Speaker
It actually is.
00:05:02
Speaker
And that's why they hate to see it.
00:05:04
Speaker
Exactly.
00:05:04
Speaker
And the one thing I really appreciate now in TikTok is that like, I remember five years ago, FDS seemed radical.
00:05:11
Speaker
And now I feel like there's a lot more women who are posting similar content.
00:05:16
Speaker
And I'm like, wow, that's wild.
00:05:17
Speaker
And I do think that FDS had a large role to play with normalizing that kind of content.
00:05:21
Speaker
Because I think that a lot of women, the common advice they got was like, communicate yourself out of corners, you know, settle,
00:05:27
Speaker
Let the man dictate terms, you know, you don't want to die single and a cat lady.
00:05:31
Speaker
Like it was very, very just dehumanizing advice and just very unhelpful advice.
00:05:37
Speaker
And so that was why I was very excited to have you today, because I feel like the advice that you give women is not rooted in this scarcity mindset and is not rooted in like telling people to, you know, just betray themselves.
00:05:50
Speaker
And I mean, I'm sure that must have taken you some time to develop as well, right?
00:05:54
Speaker
And would you say that like that happened over COVID?
00:05:56
Speaker
Or would you know, how did your journey progress?
00:05:58
Speaker
Like as you, you know, absorbing more of that kind of material?
00:06:02
Speaker
It's like the act of deconstructioning that comes with de-centering men.
Navigating Societal Norms and Pressures
00:06:07
Speaker
It's like learning to find that content that says like, oh yeah, I just tolerated my husband trashing up my house today.
00:06:14
Speaker
Oh, just another day with my husband.
00:06:15
Speaker
That like where that becomes rage bait to the internet instead of just being like, haha, me too.
00:06:21
Speaker
How would you say that, like just the messages that came out of FDS, right?
00:06:25
Speaker
Like the don't settle, don't let men dictate terms thing.
00:06:27
Speaker
Like I'm sure that we all went through points in our lives where we weren't like that.
00:06:31
Speaker
Right.
00:06:31
Speaker
And I'm sure even in your dating life, you were like, you betrayed yourself a lot.
00:06:34
Speaker
So I'm like, how did that growth happen for you?
00:06:36
Speaker
Like what really changed for you?
00:06:37
Speaker
Was it like just a COVID thing?
00:06:38
Speaker
Like, how did that happen for you?
00:06:40
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:06:41
Speaker
So for me, I don't know if you guys know this, like I'm 30 years old.
00:06:44
Speaker
I'm a millennial.
00:06:45
Speaker
I grew up through like the thick of, oh, you don't want to be like the other girls and you want to like sell yourself as low maintenance.
00:06:54
Speaker
And this person who...
00:06:56
Speaker
is cool with your man following women and not saying anything about it because, oh, he's just going to make another account.
00:07:01
Speaker
So you might as well just be chill with the fact that he's public about it.
00:07:04
Speaker
I just grew up with so much of that platitude advice.
00:07:07
Speaker
And I was so sick of it.
00:07:09
Speaker
And it just kind of blew my mind that I was like scared to say the silent part of what really actually needs to be said in that moment of like, no, it's actually better to not tolerate it if not be alone.
00:07:21
Speaker
And I just thought through my relationships that like...
00:07:23
Speaker
Whenever I would leave these dudes who were doing these things that normally my loving Gen X elders would have told me to just settle and tolerate and put up with if I want to quote unquote date men, doing that kind of led me to this place of like,
00:07:38
Speaker
No, it's better to be alone.
00:07:39
Speaker
It's the decentering men of it that comes with first you have the really high standards and if they can't meet them, well, then you realize you're truly going to be better off by yourself.
00:07:47
Speaker
I grew up in an all female household.
00:07:49
Speaker
And it was when a male presence was introduced to it that I kind of saw the dysfunction that gets added to the equation in that mix.
00:07:57
Speaker
And I was like, no, it's got to be everything or almost like nothing.
00:08:01
Speaker
You know, there can be maybe some like chips on the side, there can be some like cracks in the veneers, because obviously nobody's perfect.
00:08:06
Speaker
But I'm so aware of the dysfunction that a male presence can have in a female space that I'm like, I truly would rather opt to have nothing, if not something that's very substantial.
00:08:16
Speaker
I definitely think I have that in common with you.
00:08:18
Speaker
Like, I mean, I don't think I always had that.
00:08:20
Speaker
I think that, you know, before COVID, like, I mean, I had a very loving father, but like after my father passed away, I didn't really have proximity to.
00:08:28
Speaker
My condolences.
00:08:29
Speaker
Yeah, thank you.
00:08:30
Speaker
It's been a while.
00:08:31
Speaker
But I mean, I, since then, I don't think that like, you know, I've really had male figures that I trusted my own inner circle like that.
00:08:36
Speaker
I mean, like there are some that I'm close to, but like distantly, you know what I mean?
00:08:39
Speaker
Like they still don't know everything.
00:08:40
Speaker
And I keep them at arm's length because I'm like, this is how much I'm willing to let you know, right?
00:08:44
Speaker
I'm always so impressed when there's a good one.
00:08:45
Speaker
I'm like, what a man, what a man.
00:08:47
Speaker
Yeah, I'm confused.
00:08:49
Speaker
I'm like, what happened to you?
00:08:50
Speaker
Like, were you created a lab or something?
00:08:54
Speaker
Written by seven women.
00:08:55
Speaker
Where did you come from?
00:08:58
Speaker
Did you come from like osmosis?
00:09:01
Speaker
He's pink-pilled.
00:09:02
Speaker
He's pink-pilled.
00:09:04
Speaker
Yeah, no, I think that I reached the stage during COVID, especially I think my biggest fear before COVID was the idea of dying alone.
00:09:11
Speaker
And I think a lot of women have that, right?
00:09:13
Speaker
And then when COVID happened, I was stuck in this foreign country where I knew no one, I didn't have any relatives around, I had no friends around, I just started a program, so I didn't know anyone.
00:09:21
Speaker
And so I was kind of confronted with my greatest fear.
00:09:23
Speaker
And I was like, oh, wow, actually, this isn't so bad.
00:09:26
Speaker
And I mean, that was the point when I started seeing your content as well, where I was like, okay, like, you know, I'm actually better off than I thought that I would be.
00:09:32
Speaker
And maybe there's some value in actually taking time and being on my own and developing myself as a person, as an individual, as opposed to like seeking so much validation and setting too much stock by being with a man.
00:09:42
Speaker
Because even when I was dating, I didn't really feel like it was all that fulfilling, to be honest with you.
00:09:46
Speaker
I think it's very hard to find someone who's genuinely good quality.
00:09:48
Speaker
So you spend a lot of your time like playing in the muck.
00:09:51
Speaker
Girl, getting headaches.
00:09:52
Speaker
Right?
00:09:53
Speaker
I just wasn't I was like my body like you have that visceral sort of like bodily reaction to it where you're like, I'm stressed.
00:09:59
Speaker
That was the cue for me.
00:10:00
Speaker
It was the physical headaches.
00:10:02
Speaker
I think one of my friends had pointed it out in myself as well, because like I had been kind of like dating back to back to back.
00:10:07
Speaker
She was like, girl, if you were just alone for just even six months, it would change your life.
00:10:12
Speaker
And they were right.
00:10:12
Speaker
I was like, wait, why am I suddenly getting money and opportunity?
00:10:15
Speaker
And why am I suddenly doing good in school?
00:10:17
Speaker
Yeah, it's because you start to focus, right?
00:10:19
Speaker
It's like, I think there's some truth to what our like elders say about like, boys can be a distraction.
00:10:24
Speaker
It's so true.
00:10:25
Speaker
But they don't tell you when they tell you that it's like high school.
00:10:27
Speaker
And it's like, actually, where it's really relevant is in your 20s, because your 20s is when you're actually building your life.
00:10:33
Speaker
And I think that's when most people get really desperate.
00:10:35
Speaker
And they're like, Oh, no, no, no, but it's I'm approaching 26.
00:10:37
Speaker
And what if I reach the time when my prefrontal cortex is fully developed, and I don't have a man and it's like,
00:10:43
Speaker
Maybe, maybe find one after that.
00:10:46
Speaker
For me, I'm like, I'm a blue dot in a red city.
00:10:49
Speaker
I live in Florida against my will at this point.
00:10:51
Speaker
I'm like, Oh my god, I need to escape.
00:10:52
Speaker
I don't know how like once you're locked in, you're locked in.
00:10:55
Speaker
Like my generational wealth just happens to be here.
00:10:57
Speaker
And when you grow up here, you grow up with everybody like being married at 22, the norm, being afraid to die alone, also the norm, people are on a rush to like live a life that they think they should have.
00:11:08
Speaker
And I kind of get it because there's a privilege that you can have in this place.
00:11:12
Speaker
Truly, like the rest of the world's problems do not exist here.
00:11:15
Speaker
It's just blue sky and sun and like decent weather every now and then.
00:11:18
Speaker
Like a part of that comes the fear of not being alone, like achieving the ultimate, I guess, Disney dream.
00:11:24
Speaker
And it took a lot to deconstruct that.
00:11:27
Speaker
How did you deconstruct that?
00:11:28
Speaker
Like, how did you wake up?
00:11:30
Speaker
Girl, I was kind of always a freak in high school.
00:11:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:33
Speaker
I was already on the skirts of life.
00:11:35
Speaker
I just tried to make myself fit within them.
00:11:37
Speaker
And it was just so obvious it wasn't happening for me.
00:11:39
Speaker
I think I had gotten like rejected by society, like the moment that I graduated.
00:11:44
Speaker
And it was like, okay, clearly, like what's working for everybody else is not going to be the thing that works for me.
00:11:50
Speaker
And I just had to come at peace with like the fact that my journey is going to look different.
00:11:54
Speaker
But because it looks different, and I'm embracing it, that's going to make it less abrasive for me.
00:11:59
Speaker
And I mean, you mentioned that you had a background in anthropology, right?
00:12:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:03
Speaker
What are some insights from anthropology that you think are relevant to like the kind of content you make now?
00:12:07
Speaker
Like, is there any relevance to dating?
00:12:09
Speaker
Like, what is the tea on anthropology?
00:12:11
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:12:12
Speaker
Understanding humans, understanding culture, keeping your finger on the pulse, knowing the way that you want the world to be is not the way that the world is.
00:12:20
Speaker
And knowing that there's a lot of people that are going to try to interject their narrative and
00:12:25
Speaker
because they benefit from it.
00:12:26
Speaker
And I think the tea with dating is knowing, I guess, the science of like how your body reacts to these interactions and these societal moments, like feeling outcasted or feeling like you're not going to survive.
00:12:39
Speaker
You know, when how you go through that long period of being single, and you find out, wait, I'm still here, and I'm still breathing.
00:12:44
Speaker
Same thing with turning 30.
00:12:45
Speaker
Like, oh my god, I didn't die.
00:12:46
Speaker
Like I have 30 and I'm walking.
00:12:48
Speaker
Just knowing that like, I think the tea with anthropology is that the lived experience is not the experience that is told.
00:12:55
Speaker
I mean, that's the thing, right?
00:12:56
Speaker
Like, I feel like as you approach 30, you're a lot more nervous about turning 30.
00:12:59
Speaker
And then when you turn 30, it's actually okay.
00:13:02
Speaker
Like it's the lead up to 30.
00:13:03
Speaker
That's always like the most nerve wracking, because I think that a lot of people feel like when they hit 29, they're like, I should have been somewhere totally different by now.
00:13:10
Speaker
And I think it's so relatable to a lot of people.
00:13:12
Speaker
I mean, that's why there's like a whole Saturn return thing.
00:13:15
Speaker
It's like, yeah, that's the time of your life when it's going to suck, because society has this weird fixed notion of like, you need to have figured it all out by the time that you're 30.
00:13:23
Speaker
And like when you actually hit 30, you're like, oh, actually, this is just the beginning.
00:13:26
Speaker
Like I'm just constantly going to keep reinventing myself.
00:13:29
Speaker
I mean, I came on to this podcast like way past 30, you know, and I was like, well, I mean, I'm doing new things all the time.
00:13:36
Speaker
You have such a baby girl voice.
00:13:38
Speaker
Couldn't even tell.
00:13:39
Speaker
Right.
00:13:40
Speaker
Really?
00:13:42
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:13:43
Speaker
Yeah, no, I'm in my early 30s.
00:13:47
Speaker
So yeah, well, that's a slay and I embrace it.
00:13:50
Speaker
Like I knew at 26, I was going to have to there's just so much compounded pressure.
00:13:53
Speaker
Like there's all these things that you're supposed to have checked off by 30 that make you like doom spiral.
00:13:58
Speaker
And I'm like, Oh my god, just detaching yourself from that is such a process.
00:14:02
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:14:02
Speaker
I think there's something freeing about not achieving it by the time you're 30 as well in a strange way because you're like, oh, okay, the world did collapse because I didn't do that.
00:14:09
Speaker
I think some people really think like, oh, I wish my life would just end at 30.
00:14:12
Speaker
And I'm like, oh my God, thank God it didn't.
00:14:13
Speaker
Thank God I can go on and on and on and just like keep slaying, you know?
Finding Self-Worth and Happiness Internally
00:14:18
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:14:18
Speaker
And not even to be like a chapel type to be like, oh, well, I saw my friends do it and they're miserable.
00:14:23
Speaker
But like I did look to the left and I looked to the right and I was like, I'm the only one smiling.
00:14:29
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, because you just actively like a man dim your shine.
00:14:32
Speaker
And I think that a lot of people don't know how not to do that.
00:14:35
Speaker
Like, I think a lot of people like they do reach that stage where they get desperate, the older they get.
00:14:39
Speaker
And I think that we just did an episode about like how to not be desperate, you know, and it's easier said than done.
00:14:45
Speaker
But I think it comes down to like not letting other people dictate what makes you happy.
00:14:49
Speaker
It's just very simple, you know.
00:14:51
Speaker
Is this a digmatization one?
00:14:53
Speaker
Because I love the title.
00:14:54
Speaker
Yeah, it's a digmatization.
00:14:57
Speaker
Are you digmatized?
00:15:01
Speaker
Yeah, and like that was just something that, you know, me and Rose were talking about because we were like, yeah, I mean, you know, you reach these milestones in your life and you start feeling...
00:15:08
Speaker
very paranoid.
00:15:09
Speaker
You start feeling very like, oh my God, I should have gotten.
00:15:11
Speaker
Also, it depends on culture, right?
00:15:13
Speaker
I mean, I don't come from a red state, but I come from a country that's super conventional and conservative.
00:15:17
Speaker
And of course, people are very concerned when you're a woman over 30, you're not married, and you're slaying as I slay.
00:15:22
Speaker
Because I mean, I make sure that their wives know I have a good time.
00:15:26
Speaker
And those men are not happy with me because if they knew just how much fun I'm having on my own, they would never let their wives hang out with me.
00:15:32
Speaker
Because I'm having a lot of fun.
00:15:33
Speaker
I'm doing what I want.
00:15:34
Speaker
I'm traveling the world.
00:15:34
Speaker
I have an interesting, exciting career.
00:15:36
Speaker
So like, I'm not, you know, paying attention to that at all.
00:15:39
Speaker
Like if it organically happens, it does.
00:15:40
Speaker
And if it doesn't, it doesn't.
00:15:41
Speaker
And either way, I feel like I have a responsibility to be happy in my own life, regardless of whether a partner is there or not.
00:15:47
Speaker
I think a lot of people think that there's this need to have some kind of external person validate you.
00:15:52
Speaker
But like the second you realize, actually, no, you know, I can choose to be happy now, as opposed to waiting for someone to make me happy.
00:15:59
Speaker
I think there's some real power in that.
00:16:01
Speaker
Yeah, taking away the power from anybody else to say that you have the ability to do anything, whether it's grow, be happy, or just live a well-lived life.
00:16:08
Speaker
Also, to speak to your upbringings, I had, I want to say, two managers for two years that were from India.
00:16:16
Speaker
And I spent a lot of time with them outside of work.
00:16:18
Speaker
So I am familiar with what you're talking about.
00:16:22
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:16:23
Speaker
So I'm sure that you're clued in.
00:16:24
Speaker
I mean, it's especially I mean, it's a culture that really values marriage, right?
00:16:28
Speaker
And like, it's very unusual for most women to be unmarried after 30.
00:16:31
Speaker
So it's like, that's pretty much the only line of questioning I ever get.
00:16:35
Speaker
I mean, I think they're curious more than concerned, but it's at the end of the day, it's not their business.
00:16:38
Speaker
But I mean, I'm kind of similar to you in the sense that out of a high school, I was like, yeah, I don't fit in.
00:16:43
Speaker
And I'm definitely a non starter.
00:16:45
Speaker
And I'm like, I mean, I'm an outcast, I would say in some ways in that like, I relate.
00:16:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:49
Speaker
Yeah, my mindset was different.
00:16:51
Speaker
Like what I wanted from life was different.
00:16:52
Speaker
I was very ambitious.
00:16:53
Speaker
And I had these very high goals.
00:16:55
Speaker
And I was like, well, the life I want is so drastically different from the lives I see of women around me that I'm just gonna have to do it myself.
00:17:02
Speaker
What's interesting is that when you finally do get to that place of peace, suddenly you realize that everybody else has more of an issue of with it than you do suddenly
00:17:09
Speaker
only everybody's like male centered around you.
00:17:12
Speaker
And you're like, why do you give so much of a damn about my status?
00:17:15
Speaker
Like they're heated that you don't have a man in your house or that you live alone.
00:17:20
Speaker
Right.
00:17:20
Speaker
And I really want to talk about like our other subject today as well, because I think it's so connected to this about like toxic jobs and the connection between toxic jobs and toxic
Recognizing and Addressing Toxic Dynamics
00:17:28
Speaker
men.
00:17:28
Speaker
Because I think that like, overwhelmingly, when I've stayed with toxic men and toxic jobs, it's always been because of external pressure.
00:17:35
Speaker
Because anytime I try to seek help from other people and be like, hey, is this normal?
00:17:38
Speaker
Or is this something I want for myself?
00:17:40
Speaker
People be like, yeah, that's totally normal.
00:17:41
Speaker
You're supposed to be miserable.
00:17:42
Speaker
And that's the thing, right?
00:17:43
Speaker
People present marriage the same way.
00:17:44
Speaker
It's like, oh, you're not supposed to enjoy it.
00:17:45
Speaker
It's supposed to be hard.
00:17:46
Speaker
And I'm like, if it's so hard and so unpleasant, like why would anyone do it?
00:17:50
Speaker
This is a great segue.
00:17:51
Speaker
Thank you.
00:17:57
Speaker
But yeah, that's so true.
00:17:59
Speaker
I also think too, the similarities that we're going to like end up unpacking
00:18:03
Speaker
Just the way that like you can start off a toxic job or toxic relationship with so much light in your eyes, like the single jobless version of you is like in shape and tan and you got that back straight.
00:18:15
Speaker
And then by the end of your toxic job, you're like, why do I have a knot in between my shoulders 24 seven?
00:18:20
Speaker
Like you're developing a humpback.
00:18:22
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:18:23
Speaker
And the stress catches up with you, right?
00:18:24
Speaker
Because I think that once you have a normalized sense of stress and that like deregulated nervous system, you just don't realize that like there's another way to live.
00:18:33
Speaker
I dealt with like back pain for like four years straight.
00:18:36
Speaker
And then once I got myself sorted out, I was like, why did I ever like live through that pain?
00:18:40
Speaker
And I think some people think there's like some virtue in struggling.
00:18:43
Speaker
And I've reached a stage where I'm like, no, no, you just struggle.
00:18:46
Speaker
There's no virtue.
00:18:47
Speaker
Nobody's going to give you an award for struggling.
00:18:49
Speaker
Sometimes struggling is necessary for your own growth.
00:18:51
Speaker
But I think sometimes you just struggle for the heck of it.
00:18:53
Speaker
And it's like, that's pointless.
00:18:54
Speaker
It's only going to be the other strugglers who are clapping for you because you're right where they are.
00:18:59
Speaker
And it's like, no, thank you.
00:19:00
Speaker
And I mean, I also think it keeps you in a community with people who don't necessarily want the best for you because some people are happy to see you struggle.
00:19:08
Speaker
And then the second your life takes off and you ascend, you get to that higher version of yourself or whatever.
00:19:13
Speaker
Those same people are like not not down with it.
00:19:16
Speaker
Like I have like a personal like struggle story, but I knew towards the end of my days with one of my companies was when they asked me to share a hotel room with multiple employees.
00:19:28
Speaker
And I put my foot down.
00:19:29
Speaker
I was like, no, that makes me uncomfortable.
00:19:32
Speaker
Like viscerally, I'm gonna have to say no to that.
00:19:34
Speaker
And we went back and forth in circles for a few minutes.
00:19:36
Speaker
And they were like, well, we had to do that in the military.
00:19:38
Speaker
And I was like, well, my mom did the military thing.
00:19:40
Speaker
So I don't have to.
00:19:42
Speaker
Like, I don't try to be sassy.
00:19:44
Speaker
But they were just like jaw gaped because they were like, what do you mean?
00:19:47
Speaker
We're all suffering like your parents suffer too.
00:19:50
Speaker
Like, well, not me.
00:19:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:51
Speaker
And I mean, sometimes I think women also like we're discouraged from having the audacity.
00:19:56
Speaker
Like I joined a company and like pretty much as I was joining them, this was like later last year.
00:20:01
Speaker
I was only with this company for a short time because they started pulling shenanigans.
00:20:04
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, no, no, thank you.
00:20:06
Speaker
I'm excited.
00:20:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:08
Speaker
But I remember like when I joined them, I was like, yeah, I'm going to be traveling for like a month.
00:20:11
Speaker
And so I'm going to be working remotely from there and there.
00:20:13
Speaker
And like, you know, other people in the company were like, oh, we would have never told them that.
00:20:16
Speaker
And like, you know, taken that like that much time off, you know, because I mean, it wasn't even like I was taking time off.
00:20:21
Speaker
I was still working.
00:20:22
Speaker
I was just working from another country.
00:20:23
Speaker
But they were like, no, no, no, we wouldn't tell them.
00:20:24
Speaker
And we'd be afraid that they wouldn't allow us to do it.
00:20:26
Speaker
And I was like, well, what do they care as long as the job is done?
00:20:28
Speaker
Right.
00:20:29
Speaker
Why do they care if I did it from I don't know,
00:20:31
Speaker
South Africa or whatever.
00:20:32
Speaker
But it's like, I asked that and like, it was no problem with them.
00:20:34
Speaker
But like, if I let everyone get into my head, I wouldn't even ask that even though it's like minor, right, you would think, but people like get like go on such power trips.
00:20:41
Speaker
And I think that men and jobs are very similar this way.
00:20:43
Speaker
Like once you let them know that they have this kind of power over you, that's how they take advantage of you.
00:20:48
Speaker
Yeah, no, that sounds about right.
00:20:49
Speaker
Also, the way how a toxic man is just looking for somebody who is going to stay in line and not question them and who won't challenge them.
00:20:59
Speaker
I think a part of like the not being challenged and the authority of the fear of like, I guess it's like it's Machiavellian to want other people to have that reaction to you in an interaction that can feel kind of like intimate or everyday.
00:21:11
Speaker
That's the thing, right?
00:21:14
Speaker
They actively choose people that seem vulnerable.
00:21:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:21:18
Speaker
And they know what it looks like when somebody's not going to speak up and they know when somebody's not going to ask for a lot.
00:21:23
Speaker
Yeah.
00:21:24
Speaker
And I mean, I think when you're younger, I mean, I definitely feel like in my early career, I was much more uncomfortable asking.
00:21:29
Speaker
And so I got exploited a lot.
00:21:30
Speaker
It's like taken a lot for me to stand my ground and stand on business and be like, no, I mean, I work freelance.
00:21:35
Speaker
So for me, I'm with new clients all the time.
00:21:38
Speaker
And I have to, you know, set the intention and set the energy from the start.
00:21:41
Speaker
And that's something that's very FDS as well.
00:21:42
Speaker
When it comes to men, it's like you can't get him to perform and be a better boyfriend after you've already shown him you accept the bare minimum.
00:21:49
Speaker
You know, you kind of have to come with that energy from the start.
00:21:52
Speaker
Oh, that's law.
00:21:52
Speaker
And that's the same with jobs, I would say to like, if you tell them that like, yeah, I'm available, you can call me at 3am, you know, you'll call me and I'll be there.
00:21:59
Speaker
Just call my name.
00:22:00
Speaker
No, you can't do that with them.
00:22:02
Speaker
You know, you can't do that.
00:22:05
Speaker
In your experience, like what was your, you know, I mean, because you are also, I think, a master of the multiple side hustles.
00:22:11
Speaker
And like, you've reinvented yourself.
00:22:12
Speaker
And again, like the last four years, I've seen so many transitions for you.
00:22:15
Speaker
So like, what do you think you've learned in that time since?
00:22:18
Speaker
Not to condense everything in your life, but you know what I mean?
00:22:20
Speaker
Just like... Yeah, well, I would say like some pre-context about me.
00:22:25
Speaker
I was a stay-at-home daughter for the first like four years of my social media life.
00:22:29
Speaker
And then I kind of got picked up like a Peloton instructor for my personality to go work in a professional setting.
00:22:35
Speaker
And then they were willing to develop me, but only because I was willing to be paid pesos.
00:22:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:40
Speaker
Until eventually I did actually stand up and advocate for myself.
00:22:43
Speaker
And that, you know, when you're in an environment that's toxic, the person who's in charge, like they understand it, the people around you don't.
00:22:50
Speaker
So I was very kind of like hush hush with the fact that I did advocate for myself so heavily.
00:22:54
Speaker
But for me, what I learned was that like, well, I guess this is kind of like random side job advice.
00:22:59
Speaker
But like, if they already decided that they like you and that you have something of value, advocate for yourself.
00:23:05
Speaker
Like, it doesn't matter if they're going to say no, at least you did it already.
00:23:08
Speaker
Because like, you're letting them know what you expect or what you want or what you will leave them for.
00:23:12
Speaker
And for me, that was like, I don't want to come in at nine o'clock in the morning.
00:23:15
Speaker
I want to come in at 10.
00:23:17
Speaker
And oh my God, Becky, because you know the type of environment that that sets.
00:23:25
Speaker
I think like when you're in a toxic environment or when you meet toxic people in a group think dynamic, they're like things humbling you.
00:23:33
Speaker
And one of the acts of humbling me was trying to put me on that 9 a.m.
00:23:36
Speaker
time.
00:23:37
Speaker
So I just think like advocating for yourself.
00:23:40
Speaker
early on in the beginning, like get that out the way.
00:23:43
Speaker
Even if you don't have experience, all you need to just be is like liked and considered for the job because it took them a really long time to find you.
00:23:49
Speaker
They're going to have a hard time finding somebody else.
00:23:51
Speaker
Other things that I've learned in these last four years that I think would, I guess, kind of be like a good piece of advice for everybody else around you are, I guess, the audience today.
00:24:00
Speaker
If you are someone who has a lot of light and you have a lot of energy and
00:24:05
Speaker
and you are probably like, I guess, secluded, like you do a lot of your best work in your own space.
00:24:11
Speaker
If you meet other people who might not be of that same background, it's like the equivalent of walking out into a prison yard.
00:24:19
Speaker
Like, girl,
00:24:19
Speaker
Girl, they're going to shake you down and they're going to try to figure out why you're the happiest prisoner with like the most commissary.
00:24:26
Speaker
And it's not going to be a good, safe environment for you.
00:24:29
Speaker
I guess like it's my Disney mindset where like I want to believe that everybody is good and full of joy and everybody wants to see the good in others.
00:24:35
Speaker
Like, no, babe, if you enter a toxic environment, what it will do is bring you to their level, much like a toxic man.
00:24:44
Speaker
And it's a crabs in a bucket thing, because you would think that people would be happy that like another woman is being taken care of and advocated for, but they're not.
00:24:51
Speaker
Because the thing is, I think people project a lot of their insecurities on you.
00:24:54
Speaker
And I mean, that's part of the reason why sometimes, you know, with certain offices I've experienced where like, I've been able to advocate for myself and ask for more.
00:25:01
Speaker
And they have a clause in my contract where I can't disclose.
00:25:03
Speaker
I mean, of course, this is like totally illegal in the States, but unfortunately, it's not illegal in other parts of the world where they disclose like, I can't tell anybody else my salary because I'm getting paid significantly higher.
00:25:13
Speaker
Oh, this over here would be at will.
00:25:18
Speaker
But yeah, I mean, they still come back at you and punish you for like not performing.
00:25:22
Speaker
So like if you were like the person who actually were able to advocate for yourself, but then you're not like over and above every single person justifying every last dollar, they're like, oh, well, it's not worth it to pay you that much.
00:25:31
Speaker
And it's like, well, no, you agreed to this because I had a skill that wasn't available in somebody else.
00:25:36
Speaker
Like I do the same job for half the time, for example, or I do the job more efficiently.
00:25:41
Speaker
You're bringing quality and expertise.
00:25:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:45
Speaker
And I mean, not everybody values quality and men don't value quality necessarily either.
00:25:48
Speaker
Otherwise, they'd be making better choices themselves, but they aren't.
00:25:51
Speaker
I was just listening to a podcast.
00:25:54
Speaker
I don't know if you guys want to do like a random free shout out or if you guys want to advocate for this one.
00:25:59
Speaker
You could block out the name, but it's called the Daily Zeitgeist.
00:26:01
Speaker
And they were talking about how Republicans love AI slop.
00:26:04
Speaker
They love that low quality, fast churning, like no substance AI slop that has no human soul because like
00:26:11
Speaker
Like for the most part, it can kind of put something out that looks refined, but like it misses the human element of what's actually going on in the day to day.
00:26:17
Speaker
So it loses so much of that like ability to reach through the screen and grab people.
00:26:21
Speaker
But yeah.
00:26:23
Speaker
I mean, I could tell because I mean, I worked for a company that was like exclusively just AI slop and it's their job just to sell like bullshit to people.
00:26:32
Speaker
And so they didn't give a shit because it was like quantity over quality.
00:26:35
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:26:35
Speaker
And so they'd be selling like items that were marked like sustainability oriented or whatever.
00:26:40
Speaker
And it's like, well, you're using ChatGPT to sell that.
00:26:43
Speaker
So doesn't that defeat the purpose of selling something that's sustainable?
00:26:45
Speaker
But I don't know.
00:26:46
Speaker
I digress.
00:26:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:46
Speaker
Yeah, wait, I was like, wait, I have to ask, did anything in your like millennial upbringing prepare you for AI?
00:26:52
Speaker
Because it was never even whispered about in my circles.
00:26:55
Speaker
No, no.
00:26:56
Speaker
So like, I mean, I have a purely writing background, right?
00:26:59
Speaker
Like I've worked in like almost every department of writing you can think of and like marketing to editorial to journalism to film to just every single thing you can think of.
00:27:09
Speaker
I've written, okay, I've written websites, I've written books, I've written
00:27:12
Speaker
every single any if I'd had words, I did it.
00:27:15
Speaker
I'm convinced that writing is the core of all of those talents.
00:27:18
Speaker
I mean, it's such an important skill.
00:27:21
Speaker
And it's so undervalued.
00:27:22
Speaker
You need it for every single one of those.
00:27:24
Speaker
It was always undervalued.
00:27:25
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:27:26
Speaker
But it's like a
00:27:27
Speaker
backbone of everything right and so now you have these people are convinced that they're artists because they can create slop from ai and they can create ghibli from ai and so they think oh yeah i'm miyazaki now because i can make i can make anime from typing a couple words into chat jbt unfortunately all of those things are only good if you're already good and can discern bad
00:27:47
Speaker
I mean, yeah, but I mean, they can't, right?
00:27:49
Speaker
And it's not like the Republicans make great tastemakers when it comes to the arts.
00:27:53
Speaker
And so that's the thing.
00:27:54
Speaker
If you're a creative spirit at all, a nine to five is going to suck you dry anyway, because their priorities are so different.
00:27:59
Speaker
It's people like, you know, on an oar on a ship.
00:28:02
Speaker
And like, they don't really care about, you know, speeding up the journey or making sure the journey is more pleasant.
00:28:08
Speaker
They're making sure that every single person has their rig and oar and they're sitting and doing the same shit every single day.
00:28:13
Speaker
And so I mean, I kind of got sucked into that where I was like, okay, maybe I should be doing this to be more like my peers.
00:28:18
Speaker
And that's the thing.
00:28:19
Speaker
Anytime you start doing things to be more like your peers is when you try to betray yourself.
00:28:22
Speaker
Because if you're a creative spirit in general, I don't think that you can thrive that way.
00:28:26
Speaker
And this comes down to dating as well.
00:28:27
Speaker
Like anytime I felt like I was trying to conform to what other people's expectations were of what I should be doing, I was so miserable.
Transitioning to Freelance and Job Market Strategies
00:28:34
Speaker
And I realized some people are just okay with a certain degree of misery.
00:28:37
Speaker
Like that's why they can do it.
00:28:39
Speaker
Like they're okay with trading their soul for an extra zero on their paycheck.
00:28:43
Speaker
And I was like, I tried it.
00:28:44
Speaker
That's the funny part.
00:28:45
Speaker
It's not even like I didn't try it.
00:28:46
Speaker
I did.
00:28:46
Speaker
And it just didn't work for me.
00:28:48
Speaker
I just couldn't do it.
00:28:49
Speaker
I was convinced that doing the nine to five was my dream until I actually got in there.
00:28:53
Speaker
And then I realized, wait, if you have to buy a chat GPT subscription to do your job, you in danger, girl, because they're paying people $20 and edit for like one video.
00:29:03
Speaker
And then you're working for what $28 and they want five videos in that one hour.
00:29:07
Speaker
Like you might as well be freelance.
00:29:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:09
Speaker
And you stand to make more, right?
00:29:11
Speaker
You stand to make so much more.
00:29:12
Speaker
Like beyond like the actual financial benefit to you.
00:29:15
Speaker
It's like, I do what I want.
00:29:16
Speaker
That's a reflection of my skillset now, right?
00:29:18
Speaker
I work independently and I pick and choose my clients.
00:29:21
Speaker
I don't necessarily have to work with people that I don't like.
00:29:24
Speaker
Like I try to gauge whether I think I'm going to enjoy working with them or not.
00:29:27
Speaker
And I have a distinct sort of reputation for what I can do.
00:29:30
Speaker
So now it's like, I've been able to call the shots in a way that I wasn't able to call the shots for the last like, you know, 10 years of my life.
00:29:36
Speaker
I think I was also lucky in that I did find a few mentors who were able to mentor me to pick better positions.
00:29:42
Speaker
And like, they were all women.
00:29:43
Speaker
I worked in an all female office once and that was awesome.
00:29:46
Speaker
And so like they were able to help me.
00:29:48
Speaker
I've also worked in all female spaces for years.
00:29:51
Speaker
I like I choose it.
00:29:51
Speaker
I seek it out.
00:29:53
Speaker
Yeah, of course, there can be drama with that as well.
00:29:55
Speaker
And I don't know, in my case, every single time there was drama, it's because they added a man that didn't need to be there.
00:30:00
Speaker
No way!
00:30:02
Speaker
It was coincidental, you know, it's just something about their energies just does not work.
00:30:06
Speaker
But I made like certain friendships and, you know, alliances with people there who are able to help me get and secure better work.
00:30:12
Speaker
And so again, like, you know, I used to work for firms where like my clients would hate the firm and then I'd leave, but they like working with me so much that they came to me when I became independent.
00:30:20
Speaker
And I think that your work does speak to you, you know, and like when you're a creative person at all, if you have that kind of skill set, and I think you have that like very creative skill set.
00:30:28
Speaker
So I don't even think you should worry that much like now that you're not working because I feel like you do have that talent to like, get back into it again, you know, like that's the thing you have to come from a position of like, I do have something of value to people.
00:30:39
Speaker
And it's like the right job, like would see that and see that value.
00:30:42
Speaker
And the right man will see that value to it works both ways.
00:30:44
Speaker
I think sometimes the people in your life, like there's this thing where they know that you need stability.
00:30:49
Speaker
So it's like, oh, thank God that you have a job.
00:30:51
Speaker
But there's this other half of it when they know that like, baby, the job is like, it's using you to the fullest degree.
00:30:57
Speaker
Because I know for me, like when I put out that announcement that my days were done, everybody was like, okay, well, like we love you, but it was giving charity work anyways.
00:31:06
Speaker
Like it was time.
00:31:07
Speaker
Yeah, I think you spoke about how when you were in certain bad relationships, like you had like this physical reaction to it, like you were sick, you had a headache and stuff.
00:31:15
Speaker
Like when I was at my last really shit job, every single day, I would have like this weird bodily reaction.
00:31:21
Speaker
Like I felt like I was having a heart attack every day.
00:31:23
Speaker
Like I'm not even being dramatic.
00:31:24
Speaker
Like my
00:31:24
Speaker
My blood pressure or whatever was like always rising.
00:31:27
Speaker
And I was always feeling really, really like untethered over there.
00:31:30
Speaker
And it was because like, I think fundamentally the job just didn't resonate with my soul.
00:31:33
Speaker
Like I'm a person who really puts my heart into things.
00:31:36
Speaker
And so when I was working at a job that was like undervaluing my writing skill, but also just forcing me to use chat and gbt nonstop, I was like, I just feel like a cog in a machine and not even a particularly valuable cog.
00:31:47
Speaker
Like, you know what I mean?
00:31:47
Speaker
Like, I'm so replaceable to them.
00:31:50
Speaker
And it's like spitting in my face and devaluing my talent while at the same time, I don't have the pride to step away because I need the paycheck.
00:31:57
Speaker
And I was like, I need to find a way out.
00:31:58
Speaker
And so like, I didn't stay idle.
00:32:00
Speaker
I'd like just like being like, this is the only job I'm going to do.
00:32:02
Speaker
I actively try to find ways to split away from that and actively try to find ways out of it.
00:32:06
Speaker
And so that was what really saved me was just the fact that like, I was like, I'm not gonna let this job defeat me.
00:32:11
Speaker
See, I'm glad that you still had the energy to do that.
00:32:13
Speaker
Because towards the end of my days, it was so bad.
00:32:16
Speaker
I was like disoriented by the time I went to go look at my resume.
00:32:19
Speaker
Like, I think my sister, she has a past of being a recruiter.
00:32:22
Speaker
When I told her that I was sending out the four page resume, she was like, what is you doing?
00:32:26
Speaker
Like, don't do that.
00:32:27
Speaker
Even my followers were like, Oh, my God, you better make that thing like one page tonight.
00:32:32
Speaker
But I guess like with your toxic job, how did you know that they were toxic?
00:32:35
Speaker
Was there red flags in the beginning?
00:32:36
Speaker
No, there weren't red flags at the beginning.
00:32:38
Speaker
They were very transparent.
00:32:39
Speaker
And actually, the person who had run the job was someone I had worked with in another like older job.
00:32:44
Speaker
That was part of the reason I was willing to work at a job because I was like, well, someone I know works there and it's like maybe it's fine.
00:32:49
Speaker
But like the nature of the job within the first week I knew just wasn't my speed just because it just wasn't a fit.
00:32:54
Speaker
Like I was like kind of overqualified for that job.
00:32:56
Speaker
Let me just start with that.
00:32:57
Speaker
But also it was like a very mundane everyday like come do the same thing sort of job.
00:33:02
Speaker
And I remember like calling my friend the first week I got there.
00:33:04
Speaker
And like, I mean, again, I didn't approach the job with any enthusiasm.
00:33:06
Speaker
It was like I was collecting a check.
00:33:08
Speaker
I went into that job being like, I need the money.
00:33:10
Speaker
I just need the check.
00:33:11
Speaker
I don't really care about this job.
00:33:12
Speaker
And it's a job I can do with my eyes closed.
00:33:13
Speaker
So maybe that's what I need to do right now.
00:33:15
Speaker
Because I wasn't getting a lot of like opportunities in the field that I wanted to work in.
00:33:18
Speaker
And so I was like, oh, I need money.
00:33:21
Speaker
Again, like desperation will put you in a bad path.
00:33:23
Speaker
Because at that point, I was like, I just need the money.
00:33:25
Speaker
And I remember calling my friend and being like, I wonder if I'll make it two months at this job.
00:33:29
Speaker
And I lasted like six, which is not bad, but which is not, which is not bad.
00:33:36
Speaker
But at that time I was like, I'd be surprised if I managed two months, you know, and two months was like the probation as well.
00:33:42
Speaker
So it was like, if either one of us wanted to call it quits, we could, but I stuck around cause I was like, well, I need to make the money.
00:33:47
Speaker
And the reason I knew they were a really bad job for me was because they were really punishing about very small mistakes.
00:33:52
Speaker
Like they were like, we'll dock your pay if you make like a human error, even though we're using chat GBT and we have to turn out like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of like the same damn like thing, like advertising essentially.
00:34:02
Speaker
Right.
00:34:02
Speaker
And so if you're working on a hundred different things a day, like chances are something's going to fall through the cracks.
00:34:07
Speaker
And I was like, I don't want to work at a place that punishes you for being human.
00:34:09
Speaker
Like they are the error.
00:34:11
Speaker
What do you mean?
00:34:13
Speaker
And they were very passive aggressive as well.
00:34:14
Speaker
And like, that's the thing you have to watch out as well.
00:34:16
Speaker
Like, you know, for example, like, you know, if you made a mistake, they'd like call you out on like a WhatsApp chat and be like, why are you making this?
00:34:21
Speaker
Like just yelling at you in front of a whole group of people.
00:34:23
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, no, I'm just not down with that.
00:34:25
Speaker
Like I'm past the point where I think.
00:34:27
Speaker
Dude, that's like my number one work ethic is like you do not call people out publicly.
00:34:31
Speaker
Like you have to pull them to the side and have a private conversation.
00:34:34
Speaker
You would think this is management 101.
00:34:36
Speaker
But unfortunately, they were not particularly good managers.
00:34:38
Speaker
And so I was like, well, I don't trust your leadership, right?
00:34:40
Speaker
Because if I don't know that the management has my back, like, I remember when I called them out on this, like in my exit interview, I was like, yeah, I didn't really appreciate when you guys did that.
00:34:47
Speaker
They were like, well, we would never have done it to you in front of like our head office.
00:34:50
Speaker
And I was like, that's not the point.
00:34:51
Speaker
The point is you shouldn't be doing it at all.
00:34:54
Speaker
Yeah, like what that got to do.
00:34:56
Speaker
And they did the whole family thing too.
00:34:57
Speaker
They were like, well, you're like our babies.
00:34:59
Speaker
And I was like, I'm a grown woman and you're also a grown woman.
00:35:01
Speaker
Okay, I'm nobody's baby.
00:35:02
Speaker
And I'm pretty sure I'm older than you.
00:35:04
Speaker
So like, you can never give birth to this.
00:35:07
Speaker
I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm older than you.
00:35:09
Speaker
Who the fuck are you calling baby?
00:35:10
Speaker
When they forget that you're an adult.
00:35:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:12
Speaker
And I was like, look, I'm calling you out for being very unprofessional.
00:35:15
Speaker
And your response to that is to continue being very unprofessional.
00:35:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:19
Speaker
It's the unprofessionalism for me, which is like the breaking of the context of the relationship for why you even got into it in the first place.
00:35:26
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:26
Speaker
And so, I mean, that's the thing.
00:35:28
Speaker
You will go through phases in your life where you can't turn that job down because, you know, the economy is bad.
00:35:33
Speaker
You need the money, et cetera.
00:35:34
Speaker
And like, sometimes you just have to do that job.
00:35:37
Speaker
And it's unfortunate, but I had to do that job at that time.
00:35:41
Speaker
But like, as you said, like the longer you do it, the more your energy kind of fails.
00:35:45
Speaker
I think the key is to monkey ranch while you start out and like look for the job while you're at the beginning of the new job instead of looking for the job when you're like at the tail end burnt out.
00:35:55
Speaker
Because that's what I was doing.
00:35:56
Speaker
I was like, well, I'm doing this.
00:35:57
Speaker
And now that I've gotten the one major stress out of my life, which is like the cash flow, like I wanted an income, I can now focus on finding other more interesting things that are so that I can set myself up for like months in future.
00:36:09
Speaker
And so that's what happened.
00:36:10
Speaker
Like the day that I quit the job was the day I was offered another one.
00:36:13
Speaker
Oh, that's incredible.
00:36:15
Speaker
Yeah, which is had never happened to me before.
00:36:17
Speaker
But it kind of like told me I was in the right direction.
00:36:19
Speaker
Congratulations.
00:36:21
Speaker
Thank you.
00:36:22
Speaker
I didn't take that job, by the way, because that was that job was another test from the universe.
00:36:25
Speaker
It was like a really high, what do you call it title position, but like very little pay.
00:36:30
Speaker
And I was like, I'm not doing that.
00:36:31
Speaker
Because I know the universe has something even better for me.
00:36:33
Speaker
And so I've been freelance ever since but like, since then, it's just been amazing.
00:36:38
Speaker
Because I didn't settle.
00:36:39
Speaker
Oh, I was gonna say I was joking with my followers the other day that like, oh, I got a interview with this company.
00:36:44
Speaker
It's apparently like toxic.
00:36:46
Speaker
How soon can you start immediately?
00:36:48
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, that's the thing, right?
00:36:51
Speaker
You have to investigate your individual position at that time, because sometimes you can't avoid it.
00:36:56
Speaker
Like I'm not in a position right now to be like, ignore the economy, especially if it's impacting you, if you have bills to pay, if you have a house that you rent, like these are real things.
00:37:04
Speaker
struggles and real indicators, like you have to do what's necessary sometimes.
00:37:07
Speaker
And at that time, that was my position, you know, but I knew even back then that I was like, this needs to be a temporary position, because I know I can't give myself to this job the way I want to.
00:37:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:18
Speaker
To the point of like reality, right?
00:37:20
Speaker
Some people have to be with their jobs because they have health insurance needs or maybe there's a claim or something.
00:37:26
Speaker
I don't know.
00:37:27
Speaker
There's reasons why people have to be at jobs, whether it's debt, whether it's just the need for stability and having structure in their life.
00:37:35
Speaker
I understand the core function of it because there are just some things that you just can't achieve on your own without that.
00:37:40
Speaker
So like my heart does go out to anybody who has to be in that position.
00:37:43
Speaker
I think we live in a gig side hustle economy.
00:37:47
Speaker
Depending on where you are, I know if you're in a bigger city, it's going to be easier.
00:37:51
Speaker
Like I know people say that if they were in LA or New York, they wouldn't have the problem of not being able to find work because they would eventually be able to find something.
00:37:58
Speaker
But my advice would be to everybody who's, I guess, listening to this, who's kind of like, I'm either not sure what to do or like what that looks like for me.
00:38:06
Speaker
You can fail at something that you hate.
00:38:08
Speaker
So if it comes down to like absolutely needing something, I think I would be so aggressive about trying to find the outside opportunities of what is available around you.
00:38:18
Speaker
And I don't just mean like door dashing or whatever.
00:38:21
Speaker
Like I know some people like survive off dog walking or like cat sitting.
00:38:26
Speaker
There's also like ways to, I guess, work from home online remotely.
00:38:30
Speaker
It's possible to successfully escape, but you do have to treat that as the job itself.
00:38:37
Speaker
Like that becomes the new role.
00:38:38
Speaker
And I think people getting acclimated to that space, I think there's so much gatekeeping because people are like, they don't want competition.
00:38:43
Speaker
So they don't put that information out for free.
00:38:45
Speaker
But like, if nobody got you, sorry to bring it back to ChatGPT, but ChatGPT got you.
00:38:50
Speaker
And I mean, these are some things that I've learned also just from like, when I was unemployed, I was like, well, I need to fill my time with something.
00:38:57
Speaker
So I was taking these like Google classes, like the ones that are like super cheap, and you can like take them for like a month or two or three.
00:39:02
Speaker
learn a new skill.
00:39:03
Speaker
So like, you know, you can do digital marketing or whatever.
00:39:06
Speaker
And I think I did project management.
00:39:08
Speaker
And I was taking these project management classes and meeting people who had like wildly different careers from what I had.
00:39:13
Speaker
And like, I remember I spoke to someone I knew really well who was a project manager.
00:39:17
Speaker
And he was like,
00:39:18
Speaker
you know what you need to do is stop going on LinkedIn.
00:39:20
Speaker
And I was like, what do you mean?
00:39:21
Speaker
And he was like, the thousand applications going to LinkedIn thing doesn't work unless you catch them in the first hour because they already have so many applications and so many spam applications too, by the point that you actually get to them, that there's no point in actually applying there anymore because they're not looking at it.
00:39:37
Speaker
Your best bet instead is to go to the company website and see the people who are like in charge, right?
00:39:42
Speaker
And like go to like, and he's like, you always want to go to the person who's like higher than the HR.
00:39:47
Speaker
Someone who has actual power to go to the HR and be like, listen, I want you to hire this person and like network with them instead.
00:39:53
Speaker
So, you know, go find them on LinkedIn and like connect with them immediately.
00:39:57
Speaker
Like the cold call of our parents to have like go into the office and handshake for a job is very different now.
00:40:01
Speaker
Now it's like you do that through LinkedIn, you do that through their email, you find out what the email is of that company and then you reach out to them directly.
00:40:08
Speaker
and make the pitch yourself.
00:40:09
Speaker
Because if you can bypass the HR, and the HR is like, let's be honest, these days, like the HR is like the worst place to actually find a job because they're not screening.
00:40:17
Speaker
They have this like ATS thing that's screening for them.
00:40:19
Speaker
And like, you'd be lucky if your application was checked out by a human.
00:40:23
Speaker
And like when I asked this guy, I was like, you know, how did you get some of these like jobs that you got?
00:40:26
Speaker
Because he worked for like a massive skincare company and all these like other roles that I was like, he's not even a guy who knows anything about skincare.
00:40:31
Speaker
And he had like a massive role in a skincare company.
00:40:33
Speaker
And I was like, how the fuck did you do that?
00:40:34
Speaker
And he was like, well, I reached out to the person who was the financial manager of that company.
00:40:38
Speaker
And like, I knew him from another job.
00:40:40
Speaker
And I was like, are you looking for someone there?
00:40:41
Speaker
You know, so you have to network like horizontally, not vertically.
00:40:45
Speaker
And like a lot of people try to do that, right?
00:40:46
Speaker
They're like, maybe if I'm like around these C-suite executives, they might do it.
00:40:49
Speaker
They'd only do that if they're your friend.
00:40:51
Speaker
I think you're more likely to first look at your own circle and see who can land you something there.
00:40:56
Speaker
But if you don't find it, like say that you don't have a circle, you're isolated, you don't have that.
00:40:59
Speaker
The next best thing is to actually look up companies and look up who's in charge of the organizational structure and then go directly to them via LinkedIn or email.
00:41:07
Speaker
And that's a much more effective strategy.
00:41:09
Speaker
Oh, girl, you're dropping gems today.
00:41:11
Speaker
You're dropping things people search on TikTok for.
00:41:14
Speaker
They're like, I got the secret hack.
00:41:15
Speaker
She just dropped the secret hack, you guys.
00:41:18
Speaker
I mean, that's the thing where you want to bypass, like, think about it logically.
00:41:20
Speaker
Why would you go to LinkedIn and apply to someone who has 4,000, 5,000 applications, maybe 3,000 of them come from like another country, which is very possible, right?
00:41:29
Speaker
They get applications from people all over the world.
00:41:31
Speaker
And they're just like dead.
00:41:32
Speaker
They're so like burnt out because they get so much crap.
00:41:34
Speaker
It's the literal lottery.
00:41:35
Speaker
Yeah, it's just so much crap they have to like weed through.
00:41:38
Speaker
Even if you're a perfectly good candidate, you're going to get weeded through the bubble.
00:41:41
Speaker
And like, since I've adopted this method that he told me about, I was like, I haven't had to do an interview with any company for a while.
00:41:46
Speaker
Not that I'm looking for corporate roles, but like, because I was freelancing, I was like, okay, first of all, it's very good to have internal goals, right?
00:41:53
Speaker
To be like, this is what I want to achieve.
00:41:54
Speaker
Like when I quit that job, I didn't want to let them defeat me.
00:41:57
Speaker
And I was like, I'm going to make more than I would have been making that job to justify to myself and to justify to my family.
00:42:02
Speaker
Because my family's like, why the fuck would you do that?
00:42:03
Speaker
Why would you leave this perfectly stable organization?
00:42:06
Speaker
Oh,
00:42:06
Speaker
And again, like they're, you know, very typical South Asian family.
00:42:09
Speaker
That's what they expect.
00:42:10
Speaker
They expect you to be stable because everybody around them is stable.
00:42:12
Speaker
Everybody around them is like married with kids.
00:42:14
Speaker
So it's like, why are you doing this?
00:42:15
Speaker
And I was like, look, I'm going to prove to you why it was worth my time because whatever they said I could make at this company in a year, I'm going to double that.
00:42:21
Speaker
Dude, I feel bad that your family was making a bad situation worse.
00:42:24
Speaker
They needed to be your cheerleaders in that moment.
00:42:27
Speaker
No, that is not what happens.
00:42:28
Speaker
I mean, like, again, like definitely I think with the boomer and Gen X generation in general, I think that they have this mindset of like, you have to just like struggle through it because that's what we did.
00:42:37
Speaker
You can't complain about it because that's what work is.
00:42:39
Speaker
And that's what life is.
00:42:39
Speaker
And life is about struggle and life is about sacrifice.
00:42:42
Speaker
And life is about being miserable, sleeping next to your husband and crying yourself to bed every night.
00:42:46
Speaker
And I'm like, that's not my life.
00:42:48
Speaker
And that's not going to be my life.
00:42:50
Speaker
You know?
00:42:50
Speaker
Yeah, I was grateful enough to where like my friends and my family, their reaction was like, oh, that happened.
00:42:56
Speaker
Thank God, finally.
00:42:58
Speaker
They're like, we were waiting for you.
00:43:00
Speaker
They did it to me.
00:43:02
Speaker
But you know, I need that unemployment.
00:43:05
Speaker
No, I mean, that's where you are, right?
00:43:06
Speaker
That's where you need to be right now.
00:43:08
Speaker
Right?
00:43:08
Speaker
That's where you're on your journey right now.
00:43:10
Speaker
Like I was very fortunate that I did have, you know, very supportive friends.
00:43:14
Speaker
You know, I was like, no, I need to justify this to myself that this was I mean, I knew it was a good decision.
00:43:18
Speaker
But I also knew and had faith I could actually do that.
00:43:21
Speaker
That's all the justification you need.
00:43:23
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:23
Speaker
I also know for a fact that I can outdo that.
00:43:26
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:43:26
Speaker
Like, I know it won't take too much to outdo it.
00:43:28
Speaker
I'm like, because the thing is, the second I set myself to a goal, I have something to work towards.
00:43:31
Speaker
And I think that that's what people need to do.
00:43:32
Speaker
Like, you need to fill up your time with things that are possible for you.
00:43:35
Speaker
Of course, this is very difficult to do when you have no money, but this is where you have to learn to upskill and like network.
00:43:40
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:43:41
Speaker
Like people don't want to say it because we want us to pretend we live in a meritocracy, but that's not how it is anymore.
00:43:45
Speaker
Yeah, I know.
00:43:46
Speaker
Right.
00:43:47
Speaker
I'm like, wait, when do we get back to the man part of it?
00:43:49
Speaker
But if you do sense those red flags and it's very obvious to you that like you can tell in the beginning, like this is not an environment that's interested
Identifying and Escaping Toxic Environments
00:43:57
Speaker
in your growth.
00:43:57
Speaker
They're interested in using you as a tool.
00:43:59
Speaker
This is an environment where they reward roboticness and people being silent and they want you to get in line with them.
00:44:06
Speaker
They don't want to work with you.
00:44:08
Speaker
Yeah, just start saving your money.
00:44:09
Speaker
Don't buy that Lululemon.
00:44:11
Speaker
If anything, sell the existing Lululemon in your closet because you're going to need it.
00:44:15
Speaker
And start prepping like it's doomsday.
00:44:17
Speaker
Do not get into the habit of overspending to compensate for the bad way that your job makes you feel because it's never going to be enough.
00:44:24
Speaker
You'll go into like five different credit cards of debt between the Starbucks and the shopping and the vacations and the nights out before you ever get to a place of feeling even mildly compensated by the stress that the job put you through.
00:44:35
Speaker
Or that toxic relationship because both have that effect.
00:44:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:44:39
Speaker
And I mean, that's the thing.
00:44:40
Speaker
You also have to acknowledge that like things are so different now.
00:44:43
Speaker
It's not a meritocracy.
00:44:44
Speaker
Like men don't reward you for being a good woman.
00:44:46
Speaker
There's a reason why that guy came up to you and said, like, I'm looking for an FDS woman.
00:44:49
Speaker
Like a lot of them don't even mean a lot of them don't admit to it.
00:44:52
Speaker
But that's the truth.
00:44:53
Speaker
They're looking for someone who's not going to let them push them around.
00:44:57
Speaker
Men claim they want a submissive woman.
00:44:58
Speaker
And then yet they leave the pick me's alone.
00:45:00
Speaker
It's like if you truly wanted that, there's so many pick me's available.
00:45:02
Speaker
There's so many male centered women available.
00:45:04
Speaker
Why aren't you picking one?
00:45:05
Speaker
They're always hunting.
00:45:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:08
Speaker
Well, I was gonna say like looking back at it, I was like, is this a form of puritanism?
00:45:12
Speaker
Does he think that you guys got it on lock and that no one has access to it?
00:45:15
Speaker
Like yes and no.
00:45:17
Speaker
I honestly think in all likelihood, he probably just misunderstood it.
00:45:20
Speaker
He was lurking in there.
00:45:24
Speaker
He was like uncertain.
00:45:25
Speaker
Who knows?
00:45:26
Speaker
You know, who knows what goes on in their little teeny brains?
00:45:29
Speaker
Yeah, I can't interpret it from his eyes.
00:45:31
Speaker
I don't belong there.
00:45:34
Speaker
How do we advise people to like identify to avoid these situations?
00:45:39
Speaker
Well, if you are in a situation with a toxic job, just know that it's one of those situations where like the more you're being complimented and the more you're being praised, the more you're probably not someone who is of that, I guess, worth of the compliments.
00:45:53
Speaker
It's kind of like they're praising you because you lack experience.
00:45:56
Speaker
They're praising you because you are overly accommodating and you are compensating for, I guess, like their emotional output.
00:46:02
Speaker
Like they might be always dysregulating everybody around them.
00:46:05
Speaker
You're willing to regulate the room with your energy.
00:46:07
Speaker
I would also say that like, look around at the room.
00:46:11
Speaker
Does everybody look spent?
00:46:13
Speaker
Is everybody in pajamas?
00:46:15
Speaker
Like, how is everybody else showing up?
00:46:17
Speaker
For me, I was in a social media position and it was like, no one wanted to be on camera because nobody wanted to be long-term associated with one, the job and two, how the job made them feel.
00:46:27
Speaker
And I think like, for me, that was kind of like my first cue that like everybody's hiding from the cameras.
00:46:32
Speaker
But if you're not in that type of position, you're
00:46:35
Speaker
Just look around at how long everybody else has been in the room.
00:46:38
Speaker
And there's like people who go online and they say that like, they ask around, how long have you been here?
00:46:44
Speaker
And everybody's been around for like, what, six months?
00:46:47
Speaker
They're like, that's a bad sign.
00:46:48
Speaker
High attrition.
00:46:49
Speaker
Yep.
00:46:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:50
Speaker
Oh, I do.
00:46:51
Speaker
That's a new word for me.
00:46:52
Speaker
But I think another thing too, back to like the compliments that you probably don't deserve, which I know they're nice to hear, but the love bombing, being saturated with warmth initially, that's like, it's not bad to be saturated with love.
00:47:08
Speaker
But in this case, it's the fact that it operates in cycles of discard.
00:47:12
Speaker
Look around the room when you are being saturated with love because is there a scapegoat?
00:47:16
Speaker
Is there somebody that they're always blaming or someone that they don't think works fast enough?
00:47:20
Speaker
That's usually the person that they're gas peddling for so much stuff that like they can't even get it done.
00:47:24
Speaker
And one of the reasons why they're gas peddling them is because they want them to get the fuck out as fast as possible.
00:47:29
Speaker
And they want them to do it in the fastest time so that they don't have to pay them as much.
00:47:33
Speaker
And that's why they keep selecting people who are younger, who they can replace you with.
00:47:37
Speaker
Anytime they try to triangulate you with somebody else in the office and be like, well, this person expects less and, you know, whatever, whatever.
00:47:41
Speaker
That's when you know that this person, this office is not a place to work for, right?
00:47:45
Speaker
They're going to value you individually.
00:47:46
Speaker
They're not going to try to triangulate you with somebody else and be like, look at this young, sexy person and how well they do their job and how good they suck my dick.
00:47:53
Speaker
I mean, I'm tying this to two things, but you know what I mean?
00:47:55
Speaker
It's like, they will always try to bring somebody who's doing more for them.
00:47:57
Speaker
And it's like, well, if that's the case, maybe you should stick with them.
00:48:00
Speaker
Learning how to walk away.
00:48:01
Speaker
I remember my father, one of his best pieces of advice is like in any business negotiation, the biggest tool you have is the ability to walk away.
00:48:07
Speaker
Being able to walk away is not just an art.
00:48:08
Speaker
It's a refined skill.
00:48:10
Speaker
Knowing that you can walk away is the biggest like powerful tool you have in your arsenal.
00:48:14
Speaker
Oh my God, that's great dad advice.
00:48:16
Speaker
I'm like, I don't think I've heard that from my mother yet.
00:48:18
Speaker
Learn to walk away from bullshit.
00:48:21
Speaker
And I think, you know, with that, we're actually at the end of our episode.
00:48:24
Speaker
Thank you so much for being here.
00:48:26
Speaker
And, you know, we're so lovely.
00:48:27
Speaker
We're so grateful to have you here.
00:48:29
Speaker
Like, I'm just so happy that we got to have you because it's just I hope that things go really well.
00:48:33
Speaker
And I know because you're so talented that you'll be fine.
00:48:35
Speaker
Like, you'll be all right.
00:48:36
Speaker
Oh my god, Queen, I appreciate you.
00:48:40
Speaker
And yeah, I mean, as always, we know everybody else continue to send us things.
00:48:44
Speaker
We're so excited to have everything going up in motion.
00:48:47
Speaker
We have like a lot of wonderful interviews lined up this year and our socials are back and everything is back.
00:48:51
Speaker
And we're this 2025 is the year of growth and new beginnings.
00:48:55
Speaker
Yeah, everybody.
00:48:56
Speaker
Thank you for having me.
00:48:58
Speaker
Um, I guess can I do a plug?
00:49:00
Speaker
Of course.
00:49:00
Speaker
Yeah, plug anything you want.
00:49:02
Speaker
Go ahead.
00:49:03
Speaker
So yeah, if you guys want more of me, I am Fleeksy.
00:49:06
Speaker
I'm Fleeksy on literally everything.
00:49:07
Speaker
And I do have my own podcast.
00:49:09
Speaker
And also I spend so much time listening to the FDS podcast.
00:49:12
Speaker
So you will find some sprinkled in and sourced bits from this podcast in mind.
00:49:17
Speaker
And her podcast is called Fleekazoid.
00:49:19
Speaker
Oh my God, thank you.
00:49:21
Speaker
Yeah, the most important part.
00:49:22
Speaker
Make sure to go follow me everywhere, but especially on Fleekazoid.
00:49:26
Speaker
And with that, as always, hope everybody has a great week.
00:49:31
Speaker
And as always, die mad, scrotes.
00:49:33
Speaker
I love it.
00:49:34
Speaker
Bye guys.
00:49:35
Speaker
Bye.