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Dickmatization Detox
56 Plays9 months ago
The queens break down the science (and scam) behind why women keep going back to subpar partners and how to break free from the dopamine-fueled delusion.
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Transcript
Introduction and societal judgments on relationships
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the female dating strategy, the meanest female only podcast on the internet.
00:00:04
Speaker
I am your host, Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I am Rose.
00:00:07
Speaker
And today, Diana, I'm particularly happy about the topic that you suggested we go into.
00:00:13
Speaker
Would you please reveal to our dear listeners what we'll be discussing today?
00:00:18
Speaker
We are going to be discussing how to avoid getting digmatized and desperate in 2025.
00:00:25
Speaker
More timely than ever.
00:00:26
Speaker
If you are a person, if you're a person who gets increasingly desperate, anytime you're not in a relationship, this episode is for you.
00:00:33
Speaker
Excellent.
00:00:34
Speaker
Oh, I'm just so happy because I feel like this is something that, you know, there's a lot of sort of judgment around women who feel so desperately the need to be in relationships.
00:00:45
Speaker
Like, you know, if they're monkey branching or if they're like serial monogamous, et cetera, et cetera.
00:00:49
Speaker
And like reserving all of this judgment and vitriol for women who just have to be in
The complexities of marriage and societal pressures in 2025
00:00:54
Speaker
relationships.
00:00:54
Speaker
And yet at the same time, is this not exactly the pattern that has been laid out for them?
00:00:59
Speaker
And like the propaganda that's been spoon fed to them from birth, like they're just doing what they're programmed to do.
00:01:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:01:06
Speaker
Also, I don't think they can avoid it.
00:01:07
Speaker
Right.
00:01:07
Speaker
Because the truth is, if you're in a society that really prioritizes being in relationships and like most people treat it like you're not in a relationship yet, regardless of how long you're going for.
00:01:18
Speaker
Right.
00:01:18
Speaker
Like you could have been single for like 20 years and somebody is like, well, you just haven't found the right person yet.
00:01:21
Speaker
And sometimes you're just not looking right.
00:01:24
Speaker
And people can't accept that you're not looking.
00:01:26
Speaker
Right.
00:01:27
Speaker
People can't accept that you're not the older you get.
00:01:29
Speaker
You're not more desperate to settle down.
00:01:30
Speaker
People settle down for terrible situations all the time.
00:01:34
Speaker
And so their rationale is like, why don't you settle for something terrible to like this idea that you lose a bargaining ship the older you get, as opposed to gaining more wisdom is just so funny to me because the more women age, even the women who are married, most of them will tell you themselves that they're like, I don't think that that was any real benefit to me to being married.
00:01:51
Speaker
It's like I just do all the work and I have none of the joy, you know?
00:01:54
Speaker
Or even if they love them, even if they love them, they're like, you know what?
00:01:57
Speaker
If I would have never married him, I would never have gotten married.
00:02:00
Speaker
Like once he's gone, that's it.
Challenges faced by financially independent women and societal prejudice
00:02:02
Speaker
I'm not going to look for another one.
00:02:03
Speaker
Exactly.
00:02:04
Speaker
And I mean, even women who are married happily will tell you that it's a lot of work.
00:02:07
Speaker
Like there's a lot of work to be married to a man, especially in 2025.
00:02:11
Speaker
It's a lot of work to be married to men.
00:02:13
Speaker
And like I had this discussion because, you know, this new show came out called Adolescence.
00:02:17
Speaker
And, you know, obviously it's talking about like this incel culture and like how it affects really young boys.
00:02:21
Speaker
But I was also talking to a bunch of my friends who have been single for a little while.
00:02:24
Speaker
And like, you know, we were discussing recently about like why they still felt so comfortable being single.
00:02:29
Speaker
as opposed to the people they interact with on a day to day basis where like, I'm not comfortable.
00:02:34
Speaker
Like if I'm not in a relationship, I need to be actively hunting for another relationship.
00:02:38
Speaker
And they weren't able to relate to them.
00:02:39
Speaker
They were like, I don't know why they have to keep chasing them.
00:02:41
Speaker
And I was like, well, because the reality is this idea of decentering men is actually super hard.
00:02:46
Speaker
Because our society is not wired that way.
00:02:48
Speaker
Our society is wired to value women based on their proximity to men.
00:02:52
Speaker
And so to abandon that and to rebel against it makes you an outcast depending on the society.
00:02:58
Speaker
Not every society is comfortable with single women who are successful.
00:03:01
Speaker
I think, honestly, of course, it's not going to stay that way.
00:03:04
Speaker
But for a very long time, America was a society that was okay with that, was okay with women being single.
00:03:10
Speaker
And single women became a really large and powerful bracket.
00:03:14
Speaker
They had money, they had homes.
00:03:16
Speaker
That's not the case in most countries.
00:03:17
Speaker
And that's specifically not the case in any developing country.
00:03:21
Speaker
And that's also why there have been such moves to push back on that in the United States, right?
00:03:25
Speaker
Because it's given women worldwide too many sort of like uppity ideas that they would get above their station.
00:03:31
Speaker
God forbid you not rely on a man for, you know, a roof and everything else under it, right?
00:03:36
Speaker
Everything.
00:03:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:38
Speaker
And so they're like, oops, maybe we let things go too far and like letting women have financial autonomy in this, that and the other.
00:03:44
Speaker
But I like how you explain it.
00:03:45
Speaker
It's so true.
00:03:46
Speaker
You know, there is actually so much prejudice against women just simply standing on their own, not to mention if you're a lesbian or any other, you know, category other than heterosexual, but also paired heterosexuality, right?
00:04:00
Speaker
A heterosexual woman who is paired, who belongs to a man.
00:04:04
Speaker
And so to introduce this topic, ladies, it's not like we're judging those of us who have gone through this or who are currently going
Impact of global politics on women's roles
00:04:10
Speaker
through this.
00:04:10
Speaker
We're coming at it with the spirit of love and understanding and compassion and hopefully opening up our eyes to the ways in which we can really avoid these pitfalls going forward because it's only going to get worse.
00:04:23
Speaker
I think under the current regime, I think there's a rise of far right and fascism across the globe and the underpinnings of that always rely on
00:04:32
Speaker
you know, the group in control, having women under the boot, right?
00:04:35
Speaker
Because we're to be the servants and the handmaidens to this like ideological wet dream of male supremacy.
00:04:43
Speaker
Yeah, and the longer you go with being single, if you're not interacting with a lot of people and then suddenly you meet a bunch of people who are like, why are you single?
00:04:51
Speaker
Why aren't you doing this?
00:04:52
Speaker
Why aren't you doing that?
00:04:53
Speaker
You have to have a pretty strong constitution to avoid having to listen to everybody else's bullshit about what they think is right
Decentering societal opinions and embracing self
00:05:00
Speaker
for your life.
00:05:01
Speaker
It's not just about de-centering men.
00:05:02
Speaker
It's about de-centering other people's opinions in your life.
00:05:05
Speaker
Because...
00:05:06
Speaker
you might not have to interact with men at all in certain circumstances.
00:05:09
Speaker
Like I have a relatively male free life.
00:05:12
Speaker
Same.
00:05:12
Speaker
It's wonderful, isn't it?
00:05:14
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:05:15
Speaker
But it's uncommon.
00:05:16
Speaker
It's very uncommon in this day and age.
00:05:18
Speaker
Very uncommon.
00:05:18
Speaker
It's very uncommon in my country as well that I live the kind of lifestyle that I live.
00:05:22
Speaker
And then, you know, I will go and meet other people.
00:05:25
Speaker
And then I realize, oh, wow.
00:05:26
Speaker
Yeah, I live in my own self-created, very comfortable and peaceful bubble.
00:05:30
Speaker
Like I live life on my own terms and I'm a self-driven woman.
00:05:34
Speaker
That's really rare, you know?
00:05:35
Speaker
And I meet other people who are not wired or driven that way.
00:05:38
Speaker
And like, they're really consciously, I mean, they're very conscious of the fact I'm different from them.
00:05:42
Speaker
They're very concerned as well.
00:05:43
Speaker
Like, why aren't you?
00:05:44
Speaker
Is there something wrong with you?
00:05:46
Speaker
Are you secretly a lesbian?
00:05:47
Speaker
Like, what is your reasoning?
00:05:48
Speaker
And it's like, well, I mean, I just hope I have a marriage as happy as yours.
00:05:52
Speaker
And I say this to the most miserable person in their marriage.
00:05:55
Speaker
You know, and I'm being hella sarcastic because I'm like, you know what, like, it's none of your business why I do the things that I do.
00:06:01
Speaker
Like, I champion other people's happiness and their marriages.
00:06:04
Speaker
Like, if you're happy, I'm happy for you.
00:06:07
Speaker
Okay?
00:06:07
Speaker
Yeah, we don't go prying into your, like, private love lives.
00:06:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:10
Speaker
that's the thing.
00:06:11
Speaker
Women and women's choices are like, they are public property and they are, you know, public scrutiny.
00:06:17
Speaker
Everything that we do is held up to public scrutiny.
00:06:20
Speaker
And we're rude if we push back at all.
00:06:22
Speaker
Like I'll never forget my lifelong bestie.
00:06:25
Speaker
She and her sisters all married their high school sweethearts to varying degrees of success.
00:06:31
Speaker
I mean, you could argue that
00:06:33
Speaker
they're successful and that they're all still married, but like they're all in very various degrees of misery.
00:06:38
Speaker
Right.
00:06:38
Speaker
And like, I remember one time I was visiting home and I went to her parents' home and we were all sitting around the table and her sisters came on over because everybody lives within like, you know, 20 miles of the grandparents.
00:06:49
Speaker
And they were all sitting there bitching about their husbands, like my bestie, her two sisters and her mom.
00:06:54
Speaker
So four women, various generations, all bitching about their husbands and
00:06:59
Speaker
And they turned to me and they're like, well, and Rose, when are you going to get married?
00:07:02
Speaker
Like, aren't you worried you're never going to get married?
00:07:04
Speaker
Like it's way overdue.
00:07:05
Speaker
And I was like, well, I don't know, ladies, with the way y'all are talking about these marriages, I can't say that it gives me a lot of excitement or interest.
00:07:13
Speaker
They're like, no, no, no.
00:07:14
Speaker
I mean, obviously we're going to complain and vent, but like, it's worth it.
00:07:18
Speaker
And I'm just like, well, if you say so, but I just kind of let it die out from there.
00:07:22
Speaker
But I just thought it was so ironic that they sat there for like a solid hour and we're just bitching about these men and their marriages.
00:07:28
Speaker
Well, they have to justify their
Judgment and its influence on personal and familial relationships
00:07:30
Speaker
choice, right?
00:07:30
Speaker
And it's like, if you say bought this really expensive item, and it starts glitching the first week through, but you threw down like 500 bucks to buy it, and you don't have a warranty for it, like you're just so excited to buy it, you're like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna buy it, but I can't return it to the store.
00:07:46
Speaker
Well, the good thing is in real life, you can always return the man back to the store where you found him.
00:07:49
Speaker
But but in this case, you have to justify your purchase to other people and make it seem like it was a real investment.
00:07:54
Speaker
Right.
00:07:55
Speaker
Otherwise, you're five hundred dollars out the drain.
00:07:57
Speaker
So like, why would you do that?
00:07:59
Speaker
Right.
00:07:59
Speaker
So I think a lot of people feel they need to justify their choices and they expect single women to justify their choices, too.
00:08:05
Speaker
But I think that we keep peddling this thing of like decentering men.
00:08:08
Speaker
I honestly think a lot of people benefit if they just decenter other people's opinions in general.
00:08:13
Speaker
Like men aside, you have to learn how to decenter women, too, because not every woman has a plan for you that is actually going to be helpful to you.
00:08:21
Speaker
I mean, a lot of these women, they're carrying water for the opposition.
00:08:24
Speaker
I mean, they are the handmaidens and like the front guard of patriarchy, because if anybody has not read Andrea Dworkin's far right wing women, Andrea Dworkin, one of her books is called Right Wing Women.
00:08:36
Speaker
And it really explains, it breaks down like the ways in which, you know, women, even if you're under the boot, like at least if the boot is a little wealthier or like comes off your neck, like from time to time when you have your spa days, like more women are willing to sign up for that than to sort of be left out in the cold and to be outcast and the odd one out from society because it can be very painful.
00:08:59
Speaker
Let's not downplay the fact that, you know, living an unconventional life does not have its pains and its challenges, you know?
00:09:07
Speaker
And so when we talk about like being dignitized and how we can
Desperation in relationships and healthy dynamics
00:09:10
Speaker
become free from that, what Diana is saying, it's so important that we not just dissenter men, but that we dissenter all of these external voices.
00:09:17
Speaker
I mean, this is why I like Buddhism so much.
00:09:19
Speaker
Buddhism's like, you know, whatever anybody else thinks has no bearing on your life whatsoever.
00:09:24
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:24
Speaker
In fact, even what you think about yourself really has very little bearing on your life because life will be lifing and the world will turn on its axis whether you think of yourself one way or another.
00:09:35
Speaker
So how about we stop identifying so much with all of these thoughts and realize that our thoughts are not who we are.
00:09:41
Speaker
They're simply just these sort of ephemeral movements that pass through our brain.
00:09:46
Speaker
And I think a good place to start is stop identifying with other people's opinions as the final version of you.
00:09:53
Speaker
Right.
00:09:53
Speaker
What if you just believe other people's worst opinion of you and you're like, well, OK, I can live with that.
00:10:00
Speaker
Right.
00:10:01
Speaker
If other people are like, OK, this person is single because she's a loser who can't get a man.
00:10:05
Speaker
Be like, OK, fine.
00:10:06
Speaker
I can live with that.
00:10:09
Speaker
And in fact, you already are living with that.
00:10:11
Speaker
Because you need to take the power out of these perceptions of other people.
00:10:14
Speaker
Other people are going to perceive whatever the hell they want about your relationship.
00:10:18
Speaker
Right.
00:10:18
Speaker
I mean, in the same vein, like I can look back at that person and be like, this is a loser who was so afraid of being alone.
00:10:23
Speaker
She actually settled for a loser.
00:10:24
Speaker
I think that's a bigger loser.
00:10:26
Speaker
Right.
00:10:26
Speaker
In the competition of losers.
00:10:29
Speaker
Yeah, right.
00:10:29
Speaker
In the grand hierarchy, in the grand ranking.
00:10:32
Speaker
I was just thinking too, like, you know, it's like one of humanity's oldest pastimes.
00:10:35
Speaker
One of our oldest hobbies is judging other people.
00:10:38
Speaker
Like I was just visiting some family in Germany and we took a couple trips over to France because it's not so far away.
00:10:44
Speaker
And when we were in France, I was looking at, you know, all the cafes they have and all the chairs that they have.
00:10:49
Speaker
outside where
Media's role in shaping relationship perceptions
00:10:50
Speaker
all the backs are to the like the facade of the restaurant so that all the chairs are facing outwards like none of the chairs are seated so that the people are looking at each other the people are all looking out and that reminded me of this joke and I told this to my sister-in-law and I was like do you know why the people in France always sit with their backs to the restaurant and she's like oh so they can people watch I said no it's so they can sit and judge and
00:11:11
Speaker
That's what they're doing is just sitting there and judging you.
00:11:15
Speaker
And that's like, that is literally how they pass the time.
00:11:18
Speaker
They're like smoking and having a coffee and judging every single person who walks in front of them.
00:11:23
Speaker
And that is this instinct as old as time.
00:11:25
Speaker
And so I understand like why, you know, have feeling judged is especially as women.
00:11:28
Speaker
It's something that we're really taught to fear, right?
00:11:31
Speaker
It's one of the ways in which they really keep us in line, right?
00:11:34
Speaker
But I think that's why it is so powerful when you're able to start to break free from these fears and these constraints that other people's opinions hold over ourselves.
00:11:43
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, we're the ones who have to live with ourselves.
00:11:47
Speaker
They go home, whatever their lives are, and you go home and you have to live with yourself.
00:11:51
Speaker
And that's, I think, at the end of the day, what we really need to be centering at the end of it all.
00:11:56
Speaker
It's the French admitting that they love to judge, that we need to be more like that.
00:12:01
Speaker
I don't even think French people have a problem with knowing that you're judging them.
00:12:04
Speaker
They're like, no, no, no, this is my constitutional right.
00:12:07
Speaker
We fought for it at the bestie.
00:12:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:10
Speaker
It's literally like it's who we are.
00:12:12
Speaker
It's the air we breathe.
00:12:13
Speaker
We listen when we judge.
00:12:15
Speaker
And sometimes we guillotine.
00:12:16
Speaker
It's
00:12:18
Speaker
It's the air we breathe.
00:12:20
Speaker
It's like the water we swim in.
00:12:22
Speaker
It's just how it is.
00:12:23
Speaker
And I feel like so many times we're trying to swim against the current.
00:12:27
Speaker
And sometimes that has its merit.
00:12:29
Speaker
Okay.
00:12:29
Speaker
Being a feminist,
Individual happiness versus societal norms
00:12:30
Speaker
you're swimming against the current, totally worthwhile.
00:12:32
Speaker
But like, you think you're going to somehow change all of humanity that you don't have to deal with their judgment anymore.
00:12:37
Speaker
It's what everybody does.
00:12:38
Speaker
Everybody loves to judge.
00:12:39
Speaker
And honestly, I wish people had better judgment.
00:12:41
Speaker
I would rather people worry more about improving and refining their judgment versus the
00:12:47
Speaker
doing away with it altogether, which is completely unrealistic.
00:12:51
Speaker
And this comes back to our episodes that we've discussed about self-confidence, right?
00:12:54
Speaker
Like, why is somebody else's opinion more valuable than your own, right?
00:12:59
Speaker
Imagine, okay, you just accept that this person thinks the worst of you.
00:13:02
Speaker
All right, will you die?
00:13:05
Speaker
Will the police come and arrest you for this person's low opinion of you?
00:13:08
Speaker
I mean, if you're not living in a country where that's the case, you're fine, you know?
00:13:12
Speaker
The worst that they can think about is you're a person who wasn't picked.
00:13:15
Speaker
And who wants to be picked by these loser men?
00:13:17
Speaker
I mean, as long as your money is still in the bank, who gives a fuck?
00:13:21
Speaker
I get it.
00:13:22
Speaker
It is hard.
00:13:22
Speaker
It's hard not to give a fuck, Diana.
00:13:24
Speaker
Yeah, it's hard not to give a fuck about male validation because we've been wired from childhood to care about male validation.
00:13:31
Speaker
But, you know, like I always say, you know what, if you can't handle this advice, go and make the mistakes.
00:13:35
Speaker
Go and be stupid.
00:13:37
Speaker
Go and learn the hard way.
00:13:38
Speaker
Go and seek their validation and then learn for yourself that, you know, getting digmatized, that is not the way of life.
00:13:44
Speaker
You're going to wind up in this exact same position on this podcast, like maybe a month later, you know?
00:13:50
Speaker
And you know what?
00:13:50
Speaker
Don't make the mistakes because I'm not going to judge you harshly.
00:13:53
Speaker
I'm going to judge you with love and care and in the hopes that I can encourage you to make better choices next time.
00:13:58
Speaker
I am going to side-eye you, but I'm going to mind my own business about it.
00:14:03
Speaker
Oh, minding your own business.
00:14:05
Speaker
I love that.
00:14:06
Speaker
That's such an undervalued art and science.
00:14:08
Speaker
I wish more people would just learn to like,
Reframing traditional roles and self-reliance
00:14:10
Speaker
mind your business, you know?
00:14:11
Speaker
But no...
00:14:12
Speaker
It's so true.
00:14:12
Speaker
It is really important that if you need to make these mistakes, go forth and make them like that's what growing up often is, you know, and I think it was only after I had like kept hitting my head against the wall again and again and again.
00:14:25
Speaker
And finally, it was like, you know what, I think I'm kind of done with making these mistakes.
00:14:29
Speaker
Like, I think I got to wise up a little bit.
00:14:30
Speaker
And that's around the time when I discovered FDS.
00:14:33
Speaker
And it was like, oh, this is where I've been going wrong all these years.
00:14:37
Speaker
Yep.
00:14:37
Speaker
You come here when you're ready to hear the advice.
00:14:39
Speaker
That's the thing, right?
00:14:41
Speaker
Like we can't force you to take our advice.
00:14:43
Speaker
If that was the case, the world would be a really different place, right?
00:14:46
Speaker
We're not really in a position of forcing people to, you know, subscribe to our agenda because we know that the people who are here are people who are preaching to the converted.
00:14:55
Speaker
True.
00:14:55
Speaker
Hopefully.
00:14:55
Speaker
True.
00:14:56
Speaker
Or on the verge of being converted, right?
00:14:58
Speaker
Yes.
00:14:58
Speaker
Come to our side.
00:14:59
Speaker
Yes.
00:15:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:01
Speaker
And so we can't help you if you're like, no, no, no, no.
00:15:03
Speaker
But what if I just date this guy and like I split 50 50 with him?
00:15:06
Speaker
Like, will he love me more?
00:15:07
Speaker
You know what, girly?
00:15:09
Speaker
Like, there's nothing we can do to stop you.
00:15:11
Speaker
It seems like you've made up your mind on what you want to do.
00:15:13
Speaker
Go ahead and do it.
00:15:14
Speaker
Go ahead and do it.
00:15:15
Speaker
And then we'll still be here for you three months later when you realize why that's a bad idea.
00:15:18
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:15:19
Speaker
It comes back to our point about working against your patterns.
00:15:22
Speaker
If you have a pattern of behavior where every single time you get out of relationship, the second that you've been single too long, you start getting anxious and you have to jump right back into a relationship.
00:15:30
Speaker
That has less to do with wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to find a good partner and more to do with your own sense of loneliness.
00:15:35
Speaker
and your own sense of desperation.
00:15:37
Speaker
And let me just be very straightforward here.
00:15:39
Speaker
Desperate women don't attract good men.
00:15:42
Speaker
No, they only attract predators.
00:15:44
Speaker
They have a sense for it.
00:15:45
Speaker
Like, don't forget that men have a millennia of conditioning on their side to be able to sniff out desperate and vulnerable women.
00:15:52
Speaker
Like that's their catnip, man.
00:15:54
Speaker
That's that's their hobby.
00:15:55
Speaker
And they will use you up and spit you out.
00:15:57
Speaker
And that's just an everyday run of the mill matter for them.
00:16:01
Speaker
Whereas to you, it might be something that really devastates you.
00:16:03
Speaker
And
00:16:04
Speaker
Honestly, I think that's where it always comes down to me.
00:16:06
Speaker
Like, this is why I can't help, but always, even though I judge, I can't help, but feel such compassion and heart, like heart empathy for so many women who just, you know, they're just trying their best.
00:16:16
Speaker
And they just think that if they can just like crack this code or, you know, do this one extra thing or pick them up one more time from work, like there's no end to like the sort of
00:16:28
Speaker
pretzels like that we will tear ourselves into not pretzels like the knots we will just turn ourselves inside out trying to figure out like how to crack the case of solving learning his love
Taking control of one's destiny and community engagement
00:16:40
Speaker
and affection and eternal like devotion
00:16:43
Speaker
They just think if they could just do more that they will somehow magically make it happen.
00:16:47
Speaker
And I really wish that could be the case because I think so many women make the effort and I want them to be rewarded for it.
00:16:54
Speaker
But like that is literally the reward you will get for that is a kick in the face.
00:16:59
Speaker
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00:17:07
Speaker
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00:17:10
Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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00:17:31
Speaker
that's not how they operate as a general rule.
00:17:35
Speaker
And do you want to go into the attachment theories and how they play a role in this?
00:17:40
Speaker
I did.
00:17:40
Speaker
I did want to go into that.
00:17:41
Speaker
And this is something I see a lot on Reddit too.
00:17:43
Speaker
And so this is something that I've had to notice for myself.
00:17:45
Speaker
Like, but one thing I've seen about attachment theory is like, you know, emotionally avoidant or like, you know, some of us are like overly passive aggressive or like codependent on people.
00:17:56
Speaker
And so we, these are the patterns that when Diana talks about these patterns that we have,
00:18:00
Speaker
and working against our patterns.
00:18:01
Speaker
I think a lot of it can be explained by attachment theory.
00:18:04
Speaker
Now, I'm no psychologist.
00:18:05
Speaker
I'm not a psychiatrist.
00:18:07
Speaker
I'm not a mental health expert, although I've had a lot of really good years with a fantastic therapist.
00:18:12
Speaker
But, you know, having to learn, like, I always have this like, overly attached personality where I'm like, if I feel like we've connected on a level
Real vs. media-influenced relationship perceptions
00:18:20
Speaker
that, you know, is just immediate, I'm going to automatically believe that you're like a good intentioned, pure hearted, decent person.
00:18:28
Speaker
And that's going to put me at a disadvantage that I already have sort of like,
00:18:32
Speaker
this veil over you where I'm not actually seeing you for how things are, but how I'd rather want them to be.
00:18:38
Speaker
And I think this is something Diana, you've talked about too, in the past where it's like, when you're having a magical date, is the date actually magical?
00:18:46
Speaker
Or are you the magic?
00:18:48
Speaker
Yep.
00:18:48
Speaker
And you know, the other aspect of it is your childhood and your relationships with your parents affect your attachment really like a lot.
00:18:55
Speaker
Correct me if I'm wrong.
00:18:56
Speaker
My perception was that more men tend to lead towards avoidant attachment and more women tend to lead towards anxious attachment.
00:19:03
Speaker
Yes, which is like the worst possible combination.
00:19:05
Speaker
Because you're both bringing up the worst in each other, right?
00:19:09
Speaker
Because like the more anxious you are, the more you're trying to prove yourself and like push yourself into their sphere.
00:19:15
Speaker
And the more they're just going to want to avoid and like withdraw.
00:19:19
Speaker
And I think it's really important to address the root of anxious attachment in women, because I think it comes from having to over justify and over explain ourselves in our households when we're growing up.
00:19:28
Speaker
If you grew up in a very patriarchal family system, you didn't just get to be you didn't just get to exist.
00:19:34
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:19:34
Speaker
You have to justify your choices to the people around you.
00:19:37
Speaker
And that puts you in a perpetual justifying and people pleasing mode with other people where it's like, well,
00:19:42
Speaker
No, the things I want are things I want, like they're not going to affect you, like they're not going to hurt you.
00:19:45
Speaker
You know, you're in a constant apology tour of like, why your needs are actually necessary and not apologies.
00:19:52
Speaker
And so I think that that does put you in again, it comes back to the point of being desperate, right?
00:19:56
Speaker
Like nobody is attracted to desperation.
00:19:58
Speaker
the more a man detaches from you, that's why we say like leave at the sign of the first red flag so that you don't form attachments with people that are unnecessary and then continue driving yourself down a road that's going to get you hurt, right?
00:20:09
Speaker
If you approach it from a position of desperation, which can also be seen as an anxious attachment, the second somebody withdraws from you, you're more likely to run after them.
00:20:16
Speaker
And it's going to drive them away.
00:20:18
Speaker
It's actually not going to get you closer to objective because that's how they're wired.
00:20:22
Speaker
I don't sit here making excuses for men.
00:20:24
Speaker
If he's
00:20:25
Speaker
avoidant or whatever, like that seems like that's him problem.
00:20:27
Speaker
And that seems like something that he's going to have to work with, with his relationship counselor or whatever, because at the end of the day, that's going to prevent him from having healthy relationships, too.
00:20:35
Speaker
And I can only focus on one of us having bad relationships.
00:20:38
Speaker
And right now that's going to be me.
00:20:40
Speaker
Hello.
00:20:40
Speaker
Thank you.
00:20:42
Speaker
I wasn't sent here to help save men from their bad decision making, but I can save myself from bad decision making.
00:20:48
Speaker
And so that's the thing.
00:20:49
Speaker
You have to understand where your anxiety comes from, if I'm not being accepted in a relationship or especially wanting male validation early on in the relationship before you even form something.
00:20:58
Speaker
Like I know a lot of people who make a lot of concessions early on.
00:21:01
Speaker
Like I've had to listen to a lot of friends be like, I made all these concessions early on because I thought if I made these concessions, he would love me more.
00:21:07
Speaker
Like I did things I wasn't necessarily comfortable with.
00:21:09
Speaker
You know, I let him like use things in my house that I wasn't comfortable with.
00:21:12
Speaker
Like I invited him super early.
00:21:14
Speaker
Like I formed all these, I let him move in, blah, blah, blah.
00:21:17
Speaker
Like,
00:21:17
Speaker
A lot of these things that then became really hard when the relationship went kaput.
00:21:21
Speaker
Because again, men don't value what they didn't have to work for.
00:21:24
Speaker
I think this is something that women have a really hard time grappling with because we don't see relationships as something to be earned.
00:21:29
Speaker
We see relationships as something to be poured into.
00:21:32
Speaker
Men don't see it that way.
00:21:34
Speaker
Men see the relationships as things to be earned.
00:21:36
Speaker
It's transactional.
00:21:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:21:38
Speaker
If you don't make them do the work for it, they just value it less.
00:21:41
Speaker
It comes down to the same thing, right?
00:21:42
Speaker
Like we value water because it's free.
00:21:45
Speaker
But tomorrow, if all the water in the world was charged, now we have a premium for it.
00:21:50
Speaker
Now it becomes a much more valuable resource because there's a price on it.
00:21:53
Speaker
Right.
00:21:53
Speaker
That's such a good point.
00:21:55
Speaker
And something that has really had a healthy impact on me, and this is something that my therapist had to work through with me on.
00:22:02
Speaker
We've talked about this, Diana, how like both of us tend to have the good fortune of just like making friends wherever we go.
00:22:07
Speaker
But with my background and like my attachment, my anxious attachment style, they weren't always good friends.
00:22:13
Speaker
In fact, a lot of times they were really poor choices and friends because it was like, I just need to have friends.
00:22:18
Speaker
I don't have a man.
00:22:19
Speaker
So like friends need to become the center of my universe.
00:22:23
Speaker
And so as I've gotten healthier and healthier and really kind of dove into, you know, the underpinnings for why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I've had the friendships I have or how some of the friendships I've had had failed so spectacularly, so hurtfully, trying to understand all that.
00:22:38
Speaker
What I've really started to do now in my current life is really just examine the dynamics with the friends I have.
00:22:45
Speaker
And I've seen, you know, more and more, and we've talked about this before, but like more and more, I'm seeing how
00:22:50
Speaker
There are plenty of these relationships where like these people were happy when I was miserable.
00:22:55
Speaker
And they could either like help me or patronize me or like, you know, assume some sort of position of superiority over me because they had their life together in this way or they had a husband or they had a career.
00:23:07
Speaker
And if these were the things that were really troubling me, like, you know, they had that sort of like benevolent patriarchy attitude, even if they're women, sort of like this idea of like, oh, you poor thing, I'll help you out.
00:23:19
Speaker
But now that I'm getting better and stronger in so many more ways, there's a lot of disfaction with them towards me.
00:23:26
Speaker
And I'm starting to realize like, oh, it's because of this dynamic that they liked when they sort of could lord over me all their good fortune.
00:23:33
Speaker
But now that good fortune is coming my way, for some reason, they're not happy about it.
00:23:37
Speaker
Like, what does that say about this friendship?
00:23:39
Speaker
And so for many women, like if this is a challenge for you to do with men,
00:23:43
Speaker
totally understandable.
00:23:44
Speaker
If that feels like it's too high level at this point, maybe drop it down and start to really examine like the friendships that you have, both the close ones and the more casual ones.
00:23:54
Speaker
And just look at those dynamics and sort of the power plays that are occurring within them and see if it's actually healthy or if it's more of this sort of anxious or avoidance style of relating to others.
00:24:06
Speaker
I mean, if it's a problem with men, it probably is a problem with other women and friends as well.
00:24:10
Speaker
Like this pattern doesn't just come out of nowhere.
00:24:13
Speaker
You know, I mean, I know some women who are able to maintain boundaries with women where they can't with men.
00:24:17
Speaker
But chances are with certain kinds of women, you're not able to maintain those boundaries either.
00:24:20
Speaker
You're probably going to have to explore that.
00:24:22
Speaker
Right.
00:24:23
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, like it's so easy to just go and be like, go to therapy, work on your attachment patterns.
00:24:27
Speaker
But I don't know.
00:24:28
Speaker
Sometimes I feel like therapists also coddle people and like tell them, you know, to make excuses for male behavior and just like deal with it.
00:24:35
Speaker
But I don't think that that's always helpful.
00:24:36
Speaker
I think sometimes, yes, you have to develop a backbone in hardline stances.
00:24:40
Speaker
And being desperate is the opposite of having a backbone.
00:24:43
Speaker
If you're in a position where you're constantly vying for male attention and you go everywhere with the mindset of like, oh, what man will notice me?
00:24:51
Speaker
You're not fully present in that moment to begin with, to enjoy yourself.
00:24:55
Speaker
And it comes across to like, I mean, if you think that men can't smell your desperation, they absolutely can.
00:24:59
Speaker
They're like fucking sharks in the water with chum.
00:25:02
Speaker
OK, you are the chum.
00:25:04
Speaker
That's why they gravitate towards women that they know are insecure and desperate because they know that they can get away with doing whatever the hell they want to her.
00:25:10
Speaker
You know, the level of contempt and indifference you need to be able to handle men to be able to actually, you know, extricate the one good guy out of the group.
00:25:18
Speaker
It's a high level tactic.
00:25:20
Speaker
It's not something that comes without any kind of experience or practice, you know, like it's very strange to see what I do as decentering men, because the truth is that would make the assumption that they were in my orbit to begin with to decenter them, you know?
00:25:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:33
Speaker
Yeah, we've moved beyond that.
00:25:35
Speaker
We definitely have.
00:25:35
Speaker
It's like, all I do is I center myself these days.
00:25:38
Speaker
And that's like, there is no man involved in that equation.
00:25:41
Speaker
It's just all about me.
00:25:43
Speaker
And not trying to have it be necessarily like totally selfish and self serving, although I think more women would definitely benefit.
00:25:48
Speaker
from that sort of attitude.
00:25:50
Speaker
But it's more of just like a healthy ego sense of like, I'm looking out for myself, I'm being as healthy as I can, I'm working on the healthy friendships that I do have.
00:25:59
Speaker
I'm working on making sure I'm walking my dog and like getting fresh air every day.
00:26:02
Speaker
It's a very different kind of centering myself as opposed to de centering an entire gender, which really is ancillary to my existence.
00:26:10
Speaker
But honestly, I think more women could benefit from being selfish.
00:26:12
Speaker
And I think there's nothing wrong in it.
00:26:14
Speaker
I think that we've just shamed women into being seen as selfish.
00:26:17
Speaker
And so it's another fear that women have about like, oh, but I don't want to be seen as selfish and self-serving.
00:26:21
Speaker
And it's like, you know who doesn't have a problem with being seen as selfish and self-serving?
00:26:25
Speaker
Men.
00:26:26
Speaker
All the men.
00:26:27
Speaker
Every man.
00:26:28
Speaker
men you're trying to date, they don't care.
00:26:29
Speaker
And I mean, that's why they have happier outcomes, because they make relationships work for them.
00:26:34
Speaker
They don't really care how it's perceived outside.
00:26:36
Speaker
Like they don't really care if people outside like, that's one of the things that you should actually take from them.
00:26:40
Speaker
They don't really care how the relationship is perceived outside.
00:26:42
Speaker
They don't really
00:26:43
Speaker
care if like other people think that they're selfish and stuff like you have you noticed how quiet people get when men are downright obnoxious to their wives and girlfriends and people are like just sidestepping the issue and being like hmm you know it's they might talk about him privately and be like oh i don't really like the way that he treats his girlfriend or his wife but very few people actually confront in that time that the guy is doing something wrong because we've kind of accepted it that like that's how men should be treating women
00:27:07
Speaker
And so we're perfectly fine with the world where men are perfectly so like selfish in their desires with women, like, you know, reprimand them for that at all.
00:27:15
Speaker
We don't do anything about that.
00:27:16
Speaker
But for some reason, if like a woman is not even being selfish, just asking for basic needs like acknowledgement and compassion and, you know, just reciprocity, we're suddenly evil.
00:27:25
Speaker
And I'm like, you know, that's what I'm saying about embracing the worst perception of yourself.
00:27:29
Speaker
If I'm a villain, I'm going to be the best villain there is I'm going to be the Joker of all women.
00:27:34
Speaker
Okay, I don't mind being a villain in your eyes if it means that I'm happy in the process of doing it.
00:27:39
Speaker
I don't care.
00:27:40
Speaker
I'll never forget my father, his favorite insult to throw at me was that I was being selfish.
00:27:45
Speaker
Like even now I get such a visceral response anytime I hear that word, which is why I've really done a lot of work to reclaim it as being a healthy thing.
00:27:52
Speaker
Like according to psychology, like
00:27:54
Speaker
every healthy ego has a certain amount of selfishness it's required for there to be a continuity in a sense of self okay it's not necessarily a bad thing but i was brought up where like that was the holy grail of like sins as a young woman was to be selfish and so i remember at one point you know he just thrown it at me so many times thrown it in my face and i remember at one point i was like fine
00:28:18
Speaker
Fine, I'm selfish then.
00:28:19
Speaker
And so what?
00:28:20
Speaker
So now that I'm selfish, and you know it, and I know, like, what's gonna happen next?
00:28:24
Speaker
It ended up being something that he stopped using as much because I just like owed that I was selfish.
00:28:28
Speaker
Now, I was actually being healthy in a way because I was refusing to allow him to like continually call me against my own interests, and my own self regard.
00:28:38
Speaker
But oh my gosh, as a young woman as like as a young daughter and that sort of household, it was so it was so such a negative influence on me.
00:28:46
Speaker
And I understand why it's so hard for women to actually see it as being a healthy thing.
00:28:50
Speaker
But I think that's where we have to really move the needle, Diana, as far as like decentering men.
00:28:56
Speaker
It's really not about that.
00:28:57
Speaker
It's about like recentering yourself, the self and selfishness, recentering that self is what's going to really get you far in this world.
00:29:06
Speaker
And it's going to lead you to healthy relationships if and when those are the kind of relationships you choose to have.
00:29:11
Speaker
Yep.
00:29:12
Speaker
That's why I'm saying just like, what if you actually embrace people's worst perceptions of you?
00:29:16
Speaker
And instead of sitting and giving it any power at all, be like, okay, well, so what?
00:29:20
Speaker
I'd rather be selfish and get my needs met and have, you know, everything I want from life than to be a doormat to somebody else's desires and ambitions, just so that I can still be perceived as a good woman.
00:29:31
Speaker
What is being a good woman worth?
00:29:34
Speaker
I don't think it's worth that much.
00:29:35
Speaker
You know, being a good woman is how you wind up six feet under, to be honest with you.
00:29:40
Speaker
Yeah, I was going to say, I think I've heard like different studies where they ask men what a good woman is and essentially what they describe the traits and the characteristics.
00:29:48
Speaker
They're essentially describing a slave.
00:29:50
Speaker
To many men, that's what a good woman is.
00:29:52
Speaker
It's a personal slave.
00:29:53
Speaker
If that's your cup of tea, you know, go forth and do what you will.
00:29:57
Speaker
But like realize that that's typically an average man.
00:30:01
Speaker
That's who you're dealing with.
00:30:02
Speaker
is somebody who's looking for a free slave.
00:30:05
Speaker
This is why we're saying we have to be so careful to be avoidant of these scenarios and of being digmatized and of just falling prey to this siren myth of like, the right man is going to make everything in your life so much better.
00:30:17
Speaker
And you're just going to finally be living the life that you've always dreamed of.
00:30:20
Speaker
Like,
00:30:21
Speaker
The life you've always dreamed of is the life you're living right now because you're actually alive and living it.
00:30:26
Speaker
Like what is more of a dream than that?
00:30:28
Speaker
You know, but we're always taught to be looking to some imaginary tomorrow, like some golden age that will come to pass once we fulfilled X, Y, Z. Instead of actually understanding that like the life you're living right now, right in the here and now is the most wonderful possible gift you could ever be given because you're in it.
00:30:46
Speaker
And you're treating your life like a half life because you're like, oh, my life will start once I get a boyfriend or my life will start once I get a husband.
00:30:53
Speaker
And like, you need to really figure out how to not drive your entire sense of self worth from just proximity to men.
00:31:00
Speaker
It's more than decentering them.
00:31:01
Speaker
It's actually finding value in yourself.
00:31:03
Speaker
Like it's not about decentering men.
00:31:04
Speaker
It's about centering yourself.
00:31:06
Speaker
Correct.
00:31:06
Speaker
Correct.
00:31:07
Speaker
I think I remember I was like, maybe in my early to mid thirties, I finally had some good therapy under my belt and just wasn't finding success in the dating world.
00:31:15
Speaker
And I remember like, at one point I was like, Oh my God, what if this is it?
00:31:18
Speaker
What if I just never find love?
00:31:21
Speaker
And it was in that tone of voice.
00:31:22
Speaker
And then I was like, but wait,
00:31:24
Speaker
What if this is it?
00:31:25
Speaker
Is this all I'm going to like make of my life?
00:31:27
Speaker
Because I somehow feel like I should be eternally waiting for my life to start until I find like that one person.
00:31:34
Speaker
Well, if it ever happens, am I just going to have wasted my whole life waiting for something?
00:31:39
Speaker
Like, wouldn't that be the real tragedy?
00:31:41
Speaker
And it was with that mentality shift that I really started to get my head wrapped around the fact that like,
00:31:46
Speaker
My life is my own.
00:31:47
Speaker
I can make of it what I will.
00:31:49
Speaker
It can be a dream.
00:31:50
Speaker
It can be my paradise.
00:31:51
Speaker
But I have to let go of this fantasy that somehow having one other person in my life, one other man will somehow make everything complete.
00:31:59
Speaker
I need to become complete and whole in and of myself.
00:32:02
Speaker
And that's when things really started to cook.
00:32:05
Speaker
I had the same thing happen to me over COVID where I was like, Oh, what if I'm alone?
00:32:09
Speaker
And instead I had like the, my inner voice start to laugh like really loudly at me.
00:32:14
Speaker
And I felt really ridiculous for vocalizing it because I was like, no, what if I die alone?
00:32:18
Speaker
And it just started laughing.
00:32:19
Speaker
And I was like, cause you know what I started thinking about?
00:32:21
Speaker
I was like, any single time I wanted to do a group holiday with my friends, I was always the one that had to plan everything.
00:32:26
Speaker
And when I was a kid, I was always the one that took initiative.
00:32:29
Speaker
And I remember like my dad, you know, he used to get like these complaints about the parents being like, oh, she's too bossy with the boys.
00:32:34
Speaker
She doesn't let the you know, she just makes decisions for them.
00:32:36
Speaker
And my father was like, she's not bossy.
00:32:38
Speaker
She's just got executive skills.
00:32:42
Speaker
My father refused to let people like diminish me.
00:32:44
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:32:45
Speaker
He was very quick to put a stop to that if he felt like people were trying to diminish me in any way.
00:32:48
Speaker
So I grew up with like a lot of self-confidence and I grew up with a father who was very encouraging of my development in general.
00:32:55
Speaker
And then as I got older, I realized what this turned into was just like a sense of initiative for most things.
00:33:00
Speaker
Like I was always the one planning the group trips.
00:33:02
Speaker
I was always the one telling everyone, you know, which visa to get and what documents they need.
00:33:06
Speaker
And like I was doing all the mother hen work that I don't really enjoy being a mother hen.
00:33:10
Speaker
OK, I'm very...
00:33:11
Speaker
self-motivated.
00:33:12
Speaker
It always was like really annoying to me that other people weren't.
00:33:15
Speaker
But I was forced into this position because I was like, well, if I don't do it, nobody will.
00:33:18
Speaker
And then we won't go.
00:33:19
Speaker
And that was when I realized I needed to stop doing that because I was like, well, if they don't care about this enough to go, then they just don't get to have that experience.
00:33:26
Speaker
But I get to go because I did the work.
00:33:27
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:33:29
Speaker
And so I used to travel a lot solo in my 20s.
00:33:32
Speaker
And I got to meet a lot of interesting people as a result of it, because I planned it, I executed it, and I did it.
00:33:37
Speaker
And I didn't sit around waiting for other people to do it.
00:33:40
Speaker
Because what would inevitably end up happening is I would be in charge of all the planning.
00:33:43
Speaker
Nobody had a problem with me being bossy when I'm the one who has to do everything.
00:33:46
Speaker
But then we'd go to the trip and then people would be upset that, you know, they didn't get this or they didn't get that or they didn't get this one thing they wanted to do.
00:33:52
Speaker
And it's like, well, where were you at the planning stage of this trip?
00:33:54
Speaker
Because had you made that known to me that that was something you wanted to do, that would have been included.
00:33:58
Speaker
But you weren't involved because all the work was being done for you.
00:34:00
Speaker
And this is just human nature.
00:34:01
Speaker
When somebody else is doing all the work for you, you value it less.
00:34:04
Speaker
This isn't just about men.
00:34:05
Speaker
Like I've noticed this with women as well.
00:34:07
Speaker
It's like if somebody else is doing that labor for them, they just don't think about it.
00:34:10
Speaker
And so I got very frustrated, right?
00:34:11
Speaker
Because I was like, I've been put in this position that I actually really don't want to be in.
00:34:15
Speaker
But it's kind of my fault because I'm the one that took the initiative to do it.
00:34:18
Speaker
And I'm the one that's been doing it every single time because of this mindset of like, well, if I don't do it, it will just not get done.
00:34:22
Speaker
And I think a lot of women have that in their relationships to it, like chores, right?
00:34:25
Speaker
They're like, well, if I don't do the dishes, it's just not going to get done.
00:34:28
Speaker
Then suddenly you wind up doing everything.
00:34:30
Speaker
And that's how you build resentment, right?
00:34:32
Speaker
Because you're starting to do everything on your own.
00:34:35
Speaker
And so once I realized I was like, I'm not responsible for other people's experiences through life, if they're hesitant, and they are lethargic, and they are just the kind of person who doesn't have the motivation to change things in their lives.
00:34:46
Speaker
They're actually not a good reflection of friendship for me.
00:34:48
Speaker
They're not a good friend.
00:34:50
Speaker
They're not a person who is allied with me in terms of our mindset and our goals.
00:34:54
Speaker
And for me, that alignment is very important.
00:34:56
Speaker
So instead, I should go on the solo trip and go meet other people who are traveling who are kind of similar to me in that aspect.
00:35:01
Speaker
And that's what ended up happening.
00:35:02
Speaker
I met lots of people who actually shared values with me and I have much better friends for it instead of people who are very passive.
00:35:08
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:35:08
Speaker
A lot of women become passive in their own lives because they're like, well, once I found a man, like now it's his job to steer the ship and I'm just here for the ride.
00:35:15
Speaker
And as long as I continue to sexually service him, I'll be fine.
00:35:17
Speaker
And it's like, I never wanted to be a person who was a passive spectator in my own life.
00:35:22
Speaker
That was really the key difference.
00:35:23
Speaker
I was like, I'm going to actively be the engineer of it.
00:35:26
Speaker
I'm going to be the architect of it.
00:35:28
Speaker
And I'm going to choose my destiny because I'd rather be driven to the edge of a cliff by my own destiny and by my own engineering than because I passively sat in the passenger seat of my own life while a man drove us off the cliff.
00:35:40
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:35:41
Speaker
That was the big difference.
00:35:43
Speaker
I do know.
00:35:44
Speaker
That's so well said.
00:35:45
Speaker
I just want to take a minute.
00:35:46
Speaker
This is something that Diana and I were talking about in the pre-show.
00:35:48
Speaker
I think the most recent podcast episodes, a listener has asked, are you guys going to be featuring any real life stories anymore?
00:35:55
Speaker
And this is something that Diana have been toying with and been talking about for the last couple of months.
00:35:59
Speaker
But this really galvanized me.
00:36:01
Speaker
And thank you, listener, for just bringing this home.
00:36:04
Speaker
We absolutely welcome and encourage our listeners to be sending us in their real life stories.
00:36:10
Speaker
Now, this can be in the form of an email or
00:36:12
Speaker
If you want to submit things on our blog post or even just reach out to us on X or one of our social media pages, feel free to do so.
00:36:19
Speaker
We're equally welcome of those who just want to write something and have us read it for them or to have you record yourself and feature your own story in your own voice.
00:36:28
Speaker
But I think the more we hear from others who like Diane and I, I think our stories are so similar in so many ways.
00:36:34
Speaker
And I think this is sort of like the chrysalis of so many women coming to realize like,
00:36:38
Speaker
oh, I'm the main character in my life.
00:36:41
Speaker
Like, he's not the main character.
00:36:43
Speaker
I'm the main character.
00:36:44
Speaker
I like I'm thinking about the Grey's Anatomy scene, where Christina O's character says to the lady who plays Ellen Grey, she's like, he's great.
00:36:53
Speaker
And he's wonderful.
00:36:54
Speaker
But he's not the son you are.
00:36:57
Speaker
And I think that's what so many more women are coming to realize.
00:37:00
Speaker
And so if you have these kinds of stories, if you have these things to share,
00:37:03
Speaker
please feel free to send us this.
00:37:05
Speaker
I really would like to hear more from our listeners because again, the more we hear from you and the more we can share our stories with one another, I think we just keep growing stronger.
00:37:13
Speaker
So just wanted to put that out there.
00:37:15
Speaker
And Diana, at this point, I think we should pivot to talking about you are what you eat and maintaining a healthy diet when it comes to social media and media in general.
00:37:25
Speaker
Yep.
00:37:25
Speaker
Also, should we mention where they can send us their stories?
00:37:29
Speaker
Should they do it via email or what?
00:37:31
Speaker
I think email is preferable.
00:37:32
Speaker
But again, I'm old school like that.
00:37:34
Speaker
But also you can reach out through our social media.
00:37:36
Speaker
Like you can reach out to us through the blog, through the forum.
00:37:39
Speaker
You can reach out to us through X.com.
00:37:41
Speaker
And Diana, that's something that I think you were mentioning our social media campaign is going to be picking up shortly.
00:37:46
Speaker
And so that's something where we could be sending out, you know, updates to others, letting them know, like, specifically where we want to receive these, but it could be across the board.
00:37:55
Speaker
Well, I
00:37:56
Speaker
think for now, let's just streamline it, send it to our email.
00:37:59
Speaker
And then once we start setting everything up again, then you know, feel free to send it anywhere.
00:38:02
Speaker
But for now, if you have a story that you want us to share, just send it to our email.
00:38:05
Speaker
And you know, we will get to it.
00:38:06
Speaker
But we'd love to hear back from you about how you've changed how you, you know, overcome this kind of desperation and what you've done with your life, what kind of changes you made, because we want to make sure that this is still very interactive with our community, because we know there's a lot of people listening to us.
00:38:19
Speaker
And we want to make sure that you know,
00:38:21
Speaker
we feature some of you and how FDS has improved your life.
00:38:24
Speaker
Because obviously, this isn't just like a theory.
00:38:26
Speaker
This isn't theoretical physics.
00:38:27
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:38:28
Speaker
This isn't even experimental physics.
00:38:30
Speaker
This is physics that's been proven.
00:38:31
Speaker
This is applied physics, okay?
00:38:33
Speaker
This is applied physics, like level 1000.
00:38:36
Speaker
Exactly.
00:38:37
Speaker
Yes.
00:38:38
Speaker
Okay, so send it to our email.
00:38:39
Speaker
And then going forward, we'll see if we can continue to diversify that.
00:38:42
Speaker
But please, please, please, let's start to hear from you.
00:38:46
Speaker
But now let's pivot to how do we maintain a healthy diet and nourish our souls?
00:38:51
Speaker
Yeah, so this is really hard for some people because I mean, I know a lot of people who have heavy jobs.
00:38:56
Speaker
And then, you know, my friend is listening to this podcast, so she'll know I'm talking about her right now.
00:39:00
Speaker
But they have heavy jobs and then they watch straight up garbage after they come back home.
00:39:05
Speaker
And it's fine with the reality TV.
00:39:07
Speaker
I get that it has a space.
00:39:08
Speaker
I mean, I don't understand it, but it's not for me to understand.
00:39:12
Speaker
I get that some people need to turn on Dubai Bling or The Real Housewives after a long and busy day being a girl boss or whatever.
00:39:18
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:39:19
Speaker
I get it.
00:39:19
Speaker
I get it.
00:39:21
Speaker
But I'm not talking about people who need to watch like the kind of media that's basically like, let me check myself out and like not have to use my brain that much.
00:39:28
Speaker
I'm not talking about like the leaving your brains at home kind of media.
00:39:30
Speaker
I'm talking about I'm talking about that's what we call it.
00:39:34
Speaker
We call it leaving your brains at home.
00:39:35
Speaker
I love that.
00:39:36
Speaker
I've never heard that before.
00:39:37
Speaker
That's so true.
00:39:39
Speaker
Whenever you watch a movie in South Asia and they're like, oh, you know, what was the movie like?
00:39:43
Speaker
They're like, they say one of two things.
00:39:44
Speaker
Either they say it's time pass, which means it was good fun.
00:39:47
Speaker
Like it's like a great way to pass the time.
00:39:49
Speaker
Or they say you can leave your brains at home.
00:39:53
Speaker
Just come for the entertainment and don't intellectualize it too much.
00:39:57
Speaker
It is what it is.
00:39:57
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:39:59
Speaker
Yes, that's fun.
00:40:01
Speaker
That's fun media.
00:40:02
Speaker
I have nothing against it.
00:40:03
Speaker
I understand its purpose in society.
00:40:05
Speaker
I'm talking more about like if you are the kind of person who got all of the romantic ideals from Disney and like when you're feeling sad and when you're feeling blue, you're like, I'm going to watch all of this media that like paints a very unrealistic image of men.
00:40:18
Speaker
You're just going to set yourself up further failure and heartbreak because you're trying to romanticize an ideal that was not honesty, probably written by another man.
00:40:27
Speaker
I remember like I saw this really stupid comment on X once where somebody was like porn for men is what romcoms are for women.
00:40:33
Speaker
I was like,
00:40:34
Speaker
how are they in any way similar, right?
00:40:36
Speaker
Porn has like an unrealistic idea of women's bodies and just like a very falsified image of like what women are like in bed and just set men up for failure in terms of like to what's to be expected sexually.
00:40:47
Speaker
And rom-coms portray men as well-adjusted, kind individuals who give a shit about you.
00:40:52
Speaker
And I'm like, wow, what a self-burn.
00:40:55
Speaker
Right.
00:40:57
Speaker
What a self-own.
00:40:58
Speaker
No, it's so true though.
00:40:59
Speaker
And this is something I was saying to Diana too.
00:41:01
Speaker
Like, you know, this is where I don't want to judge, but I'm going to judge because I'm somebody who reads prolifically, right?
00:41:06
Speaker
Like I go through, I don't know, 10 or 15 books a week.
00:41:09
Speaker
Let's just judge.
00:41:10
Speaker
Why don't we just judge?
00:41:11
Speaker
Here I go.
00:41:11
Speaker
Here I go.
00:41:14
Speaker
But it's like, you know, when I talk to a lot of my girlfriends and it's like Love Island and love is blind.
00:41:19
Speaker
And, you know, it's all these dating shows.
00:41:21
Speaker
It's all these reality shows.
00:41:23
Speaker
And it's just like it is absolute trash for your brain.
00:41:27
Speaker
Like, and even if you're like, well, I know it's not true.
00:41:29
Speaker
Does your brain actually know that?
00:41:31
Speaker
Because you're reinforcing these pathways in your brain that go quite deep.
00:41:35
Speaker
And by watching these, you're just reinforcing them.
00:41:38
Speaker
And like, you're not forging any new neural pathways.
00:41:41
Speaker
You're not challenging your brain in any way.
00:41:43
Speaker
Like, I mean, if you have to escape, just watch like a National Geographic show or something like, good Lord, why does it have to be like the trashiest of the trash?
00:41:51
Speaker
And understand that like,
00:41:52
Speaker
These are formulas.
00:41:53
Speaker
They know these formulas sell to women.
00:41:55
Speaker
These are multi-billion dollar industries.
00:41:57
Speaker
Like you're not unique in feeling like this is like the best show for you to escape and relax to.
00:42:03
Speaker
But I also think like you have to realize like if you are what you eat, by eating all of this trash, like by dedicating the free time that you have to such pablum, like you're dumbing down your soul.
00:42:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:16
Speaker
It's not even the brain.
00:42:18
Speaker
It's your soul.
00:42:19
Speaker
You're crucifying your soul.
00:42:21
Speaker
And we just have to be a lot more specific and selective around what we are consuming, because I think we're really seeing like society wide, just this like degradation of society because everybody's just watching the shittiest shit that they can possibly find.
00:42:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:36
Speaker
And I mean, that's the thing, right?
00:42:37
Speaker
Like we say that it doesn't have an impact.
00:42:39
Speaker
But like, I remember years ago, there was this case in Australia where there was a guy like who stalked a woman.
00:42:44
Speaker
And his justification for it was that he saw that in Bollywood.
00:42:47
Speaker
And so because he grew up in that culture of watching it on Bollywood, he thought it was okay to stalk this woman.
00:42:52
Speaker
And guess what?
00:42:52
Speaker
He got off.
00:42:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:54
Speaker
Okay, because people buy into the argument that it influences you because they thought that was a valid argument that yeah, of course, he was influenced by this in his culture.
00:43:02
Speaker
So people do believe it has significant cultural and mental influence.
00:43:05
Speaker
So you have to be kind of careful with what you consume, not just in terms of TV shows, because maybe you're not a person who watches TV show and Netflix and you're like, this is not applicable to me.
00:43:13
Speaker
But even in terms of like doom scrolling, right, that's become like a really big thing.
00:43:17
Speaker
Like people are like on TikTok and like reels and like they have like this short form content that's just like a dopamine hit every single day.
00:43:23
Speaker
And like, for example, recently, I don't know why, but I've been getting a lot of Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco things on my TikTok.
00:43:31
Speaker
And like, I've tried to like be not like, you know, click on not interested and try to like, you know, configure my algorithm to not get this content because I'm obviously not that interested in Selena Gomez's relationship in general.
00:43:42
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:43
Speaker
But one of the things I noticed, I mean, you know, having seen her perform a relationship with Justin Bieber in the relationship now, right?
00:43:49
Speaker
I was more concerned with and more interested with the comments than the actual video itself.
00:43:53
Speaker
And the comments really intrigued me because it was a lot of women being like, now this is a man, like this is the perfect part.
00:43:59
Speaker
Like,
00:43:59
Speaker
Honestly, based on what they've said in their media about their relationship, I don't think he's all that high value or anything.
00:44:04
Speaker
Like, I think he kind of still does a lot of bare minimum.
00:44:07
Speaker
I'm not like completely impressed with Mr. Blanco.
00:44:10
Speaker
And again, it's not my relationship, not my circus and not my monkeys.
00:44:13
Speaker
You know, I don't think Benny Blanco is listening to this podcast.
00:44:15
Speaker
So I don't think I hear I don't think my message is going to go through him.
00:44:19
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, they're celebrities.
00:44:20
Speaker
They don't occupy the same realm as us.
00:44:22
Speaker
But what was very interesting to me was that there were a lot of young women romanticizing him and being like, he's so much better than Justin.
00:44:28
Speaker
He's so much this.
00:44:28
Speaker
And I'm like, to me, they strike me as two sides of the same coin.
00:44:31
Speaker
I don't think they're any different from each other.
00:44:34
Speaker
Like he's on the same industry.
00:44:36
Speaker
He's got like some of the same flaws.
00:44:38
Speaker
But what was interesting was it was all women and no men on those comments.
00:44:41
Speaker
There were no men being like, guys, this is how we should treat our girlfriends in 2025.
00:44:44
Speaker
Benny Blanco has set the bar for us and this is what we need to be.
00:44:49
Speaker
It was women being like, oh my God, so romantic.
00:44:51
Speaker
Like, God, I've seen what you do for others.
00:44:53
Speaker
I want this for myself.
00:44:55
Speaker
Again, understand that the perception that celebrities are creating for you about their lives is not real life.
00:45:00
Speaker
You have no idea what their actual relationship is like.
00:45:03
Speaker
And trust me, if you are in that relationship, you would probably not want to be in it because you don't know anything about them.
00:45:08
Speaker
But you don't know anything about them except what they choose to share with you on social media.
00:45:12
Speaker
And this is what I get really like upset about that people are like, oh, these influencers are part of that larger molding of culture, right?
00:45:19
Speaker
It's not just TV shows.
00:45:21
Speaker
These people are also setting the bar for you for what you should be accepting in your relationship.
00:45:24
Speaker
But all we know about this woman is she had a very terrible relationship with her previous partner.
00:45:27
Speaker
And so by that metric, any relationship she has with the guy who's remotely nice to her is an improvement.
00:45:32
Speaker
And you can see all the women being like, oh, my eyes so much better.
00:45:36
Speaker
And he made her a fat tub full of nacho cheese and got her favorite to go some Texas.
00:45:41
Speaker
And like, you know, you know what?
00:45:42
Speaker
You don't hear men being like, damn, Benny Blanco, you made me realize I should go get my girls pickles from Texas.
00:45:48
Speaker
Like, that's not what happens.
00:45:50
Speaker
Right.
00:45:50
Speaker
Men are not influenced by this.
00:45:51
Speaker
Men don't look to other men as models on how to their relationships.
00:45:55
Speaker
They look to people like Andrew Tate there who are like, how can you get away with giving women less?
00:45:59
Speaker
Yes.
00:45:59
Speaker
And that's the big difference is that men are not in the common sections of relationships being like, oh, setting the bar for all of us.
00:46:05
Speaker
It's always women romanticizing.
00:46:07
Speaker
They don't know.
00:46:08
Speaker
Because we are the market.
00:46:10
Speaker
Exactly.
00:46:11
Speaker
We are the market.
00:46:12
Speaker
We are who it's targeted to.
00:46:13
Speaker
And we are the ones who consume it.
00:46:15
Speaker
And it's known, right?
00:46:17
Speaker
Exactly.
00:46:18
Speaker
That's why you are what you eat, because you need to stop falling for other people's eyes.
00:46:23
Speaker
You need to stop falling for people's perceptions of what their relationships are, because you are not in that relationship.
00:46:28
Speaker
This is also being marketed to you, by the way, them being portrayed right now as America's sweetheart couple, like America's genius music producer dating America's sweetheart.
00:46:37
Speaker
Like that's a PR gimmick.
00:46:39
Speaker
They might have obviously they have a real relationship, of course, but let's not pretend like it's not being heightened for the media.
00:46:45
Speaker
But you have to be mindful of that as well, because I think these days, like, again, attention spans are shrunk.
00:46:50
Speaker
Not as many people are watching TV as they are watching and consuming this kind of short form digital content media like, you know, reels and TikTok and stuff.
00:46:57
Speaker
And like and honestly, it's very easy to like scroll and lose hours.
00:47:01
Speaker
Like that's happened to me before, like over COVID.
00:47:03
Speaker
Like that's happened to me.
00:47:04
Speaker
That's the crazy part.
00:47:05
Speaker
Like during COVID when I was unemployed and I had nothing to do, I would be on TikTok being like, okay, I'm just going to be there for like 15 minutes.
00:47:11
Speaker
And then suddenly the next thing you know, it was the end of the day.
00:47:14
Speaker
That's wild.
00:47:14
Speaker
That's so crazy.
00:47:16
Speaker
That's how addictive it is.
00:47:17
Speaker
And so I had to put limits on my phone of like how long I can be on that app because I know you can lose time on that.
00:47:22
Speaker
And so it can become very addicting to like live vicariously through somebody else's life.
00:47:27
Speaker
So that's why you are what you eat.
00:47:29
Speaker
And we've talked about this.
00:47:30
Speaker
We have talked about this.
00:47:31
Speaker
We've talked about this like media literacy.
00:47:33
Speaker
This is part of media literacy.
00:47:35
Speaker
We encourage people to keep practicing it.
00:47:37
Speaker
Diana, I know we're just about out of time and I'm starting to feel the jet lag for my recent trip overseas.
00:47:43
Speaker
Yeah, no worries.
00:47:44
Speaker
What do we need to wrap up with here?
00:47:46
Speaker
It goes back to you are what you eat.
00:47:48
Speaker
Understand that social media is also geared towards peddling.
00:47:52
Speaker
Again, the algorithm is inspired by you, right?
00:47:54
Speaker
If you're consuming content that tells you that you should be in a relationship, like the compulsory heterosexuality, right?
00:48:01
Speaker
If it's telling you that you need to be doing these things, you're influencing yourself at the end of the day to like settle.
00:48:07
Speaker
It's not just like media and TV.
00:48:08
Speaker
Maybe you're not a person who watches TV.
00:48:10
Speaker
Maybe you're not that checked in with like what's going on in popular culture, but like you're still on the internet and the internet is a space that is going to try to gear you to settle as well.
00:48:18
Speaker
So it's very important that you are intentional and conscious of what you consume and like the kind of media you consume and how it's helping you work against your patterns because you're going to have to rebel against your regular state of comfort.
00:48:30
Speaker
And that's hard for a lot of people.
00:48:32
Speaker
Yes.
00:48:33
Speaker
So hard.
00:48:34
Speaker
And this is something where we talked about.
00:48:35
Speaker
It's like being online and things like that.
00:48:37
Speaker
This is why it's so important that you begin to fill your life with things that fulfill you.
00:48:41
Speaker
Like not just touching grass, but like closing the screen and getting away to doing things that are like part of your life in your current present, things that are tangible, things that involve other people in your environment.
00:48:53
Speaker
Things that get you to be part of a community because everything that's online is a false sense of sociality.
00:48:59
Speaker
It's a parasociality and it's a faux intimacy.
00:49:02
Speaker
And I think that's why so many people are feeling this vast sort of hole in themselves because they're not able to fill their lives with what's really meaningful.
00:49:11
Speaker
Exactly.
00:49:12
Speaker
Exactly.
00:49:13
Speaker
And so, yeah, that's where we want to leave you at the end of the day.
00:49:16
Speaker
We want you to think consciously about what you're consuming.
00:49:18
Speaker
You are what you eat and you are what you don't eat as well in this situation.
00:49:23
Speaker
Maintaining a healthy brain diet is essential.
00:49:26
Speaker
exercising your brain to be positive about your outcomes is very important as well.
00:49:31
Speaker
Like it's very easy to like, the part of why we're talking about avoiding getting digmatized and desperate is because we don't want you to be in a position where you feel saddened or like, you know, get into this like really doomer state of like,
00:49:42
Speaker
Nothing will ever work out for me.
00:49:44
Speaker
Like you have to maintain a sense of optimism in order to attract the kinds of partnerships and friendships that you want.
00:49:49
Speaker
And that starts with creating a life that is fulfilling to you.
00:49:52
Speaker
It all starts with you.
00:49:53
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:49:54
Speaker
There's only so much we can say.
00:49:56
Speaker
It starts and it ends with you.
00:49:57
Speaker
Again, we're yet another group of strangers on the internet telling you how to feel and think like,