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Nap Queen Energy: Why Rest is a Revolutionary Act
40 Plays8 months ago
The Queens unpack the importance of reclaiming your time, energy and sanity in a hustle-obsessed culture that glorifies burnout.
Savannah's appearance on the Audaci-Tea podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3SAa1bz70A&list=PLmy-GF0YwC9rHYPhGZmL4NYdIAKbLA8dH&index=4
Download the FDS Handbook for free here: https://pdfcoffee.com/fds-handbook-v135-pdf-free.html
FDS War Room on the Queen Patreon Tier: https://www.patreon.com/TheFemaleDatingStrategy
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Transcript
Introduction & Podcast Plug
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:04
Speaker
I am your host, Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I am your host, Rose.
00:00:07
Speaker
And today, before we get into our topic for discussion, Diana, I was mentioning this in our pre-talk, how Savannah, our very own Savannah from FDS, was recently featured on another podcast called The Audacity, which features three amazing women.
00:00:24
Speaker
And apparently this episode came out just the other day, like I want to say March 24th.
00:00:29
Speaker
So just last week, it's featuring Savannah.
00:00:32
Speaker
Everybody should go check it out because I know Savannah's on bonus content, but like, can't we all use more Savannah in our lives?
00:00:39
Speaker
So I want to encourage our listeners to go check that episode
Strategies for Success
00:00:42
Speaker
out.
00:00:42
Speaker
But in today, you know, this is something that I feel is sort of a continuation of what our last week's episode, which was about strategies of winning, knowing when to quit.
00:00:51
Speaker
And I would argue that more strategies of winning include knowing when to rest, knowing when to take a break, knowing when to call an intermission, and just like taking a time out.
00:01:01
Speaker
I think this is something that women really tend to struggle with.
00:01:03
Speaker
So let's get into it.
00:01:05
Speaker
Well, yeah, I mean, I think when you live in a very capitalistic society, you're just guilt tripped into working nonstop.
00:01:11
Speaker
Like I used to be the kind of person who would take honestly, I hate to say it, but I'm still like that.
00:01:15
Speaker
I take my laptops with me on holidays.
00:01:17
Speaker
Like I'm always trying to get work done when I'm on vacation.
00:01:20
Speaker
Like I haven't been on like a proper vacation, like many, many, many years.
00:01:24
Speaker
And it's my fault.
00:01:25
Speaker
I take full accountability for it because it's just so wired into me.
00:01:29
Speaker
Also, it's very difficult when you have like a remote job because the boundaries are blurred.
00:01:33
Speaker
It's like,
00:01:34
Speaker
You have to set your own schedule.
00:01:35
Speaker
So it's like, okay, when exactly do I set time to rest?
00:01:39
Speaker
Because technically I'm supposed to be like, I'm supposed to be building my own clock.
00:01:42
Speaker
And so if you're the kind of person who's like, I don't know what to do with absolutely an endless amount of time.
00:01:48
Speaker
And your immediate solution isn't to be like, let's do nothing.
00:01:51
Speaker
And instead fill it up with stuff to do
Work-Life Balance Challenges
00:01:54
Speaker
that's work related.
00:01:54
Speaker
This might be for you.
00:01:56
Speaker
Because I definitely feel like I struggle with that too, where it's very hard for me to be like goof around.
00:02:02
Speaker
There's like a lot of guilt associated with goofing around.
00:02:04
Speaker
Like you feel like you should be doing at least one thing that's of some productive value.
00:02:09
Speaker
Doesn't it feel like if somebody calls you lazy, doesn't it feel like a moral insult?
00:02:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:14
Speaker
Like you're deeply insulted.
00:02:16
Speaker
How dare you?
00:02:18
Speaker
And I think that bears looking into like,
00:02:20
Speaker
It's just a simple descriptor.
00:02:22
Speaker
And it might not even be accurate.
00:02:24
Speaker
But like everybody knows if you call somebody lazy, like that's an ultimate slur against their character.
00:02:29
Speaker
It's one of the deadly sins for a reason, right?
00:02:31
Speaker
Like I've run myself ragged to prove to people that I'm not lazy.
00:02:36
Speaker
And then I just wound up burnt out instead.
00:02:38
Speaker
Yeah, actually, my father loved to use lazy and selfish.
00:02:41
Speaker
Those were his two favorite go to insults for me, because they're very effective.
00:02:46
Speaker
And like it impressed upon my very soul.
00:02:48
Speaker
The fact that like, these are the two worst things you could be as a lady, because he was always talking about, you know, being ladylike and being a lady.
00:02:55
Speaker
Now that I'm older, I'm like, fuck being a lady.
00:02:56
Speaker
How about I just be a human being?
Societal Expectations of Women
00:02:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:02:59
Speaker
But these were very effective, like not carrots, because it was really like the whip, right?
00:03:03
Speaker
Like he was cracking the whip when he would use these slurs to me.
00:03:07
Speaker
And I find it highly ironic because like I started working in the farms and then in the fields when I was eight years old, Diana, I started paying taxes when I was eight.
00:03:19
Speaker
Okay.
00:03:19
Speaker
And this continued.
00:03:20
Speaker
It wasn't like I did it once.
00:03:22
Speaker
And then I like waited until I was 16.
00:03:24
Speaker
I worked every summer from the time I was eight.
00:03:27
Speaker
growing up.
00:03:28
Speaker
And to talk about like the fact that I was such an overachiever with academics and this and that, because I knew my only ticket out of town was going to be like either talent, you know, piano in this case, and or academics.
00:03:40
Speaker
And it was the free ride I got from those that started my path to liberation.
00:03:45
Speaker
Right.
00:03:45
Speaker
But like,
00:03:46
Speaker
having to work at such a young age and I would have to buy my own clothes.
00:03:50
Speaker
If I wanted a backpack, I had to buy that.
00:03:52
Speaker
Like if I wanted candy, everything had to come from my own pocket.
00:03:55
Speaker
I mean, it's not like they wouldn't buy me shoes or a winter coat, but actually I never did get a winter coat purchase for me because I was the youngest.
00:04:03
Speaker
And so everything was just handed down.
00:04:05
Speaker
Right.
00:04:05
Speaker
And it's not to say that I come from lack, but I really came from this background where it was like, even as a child, you had to prove your worth.
00:04:12
Speaker
You had to pull your weight.
00:04:13
Speaker
Right.
00:04:14
Speaker
And I think a lot of women know how this is because that's what they do to us with childcare typically.
00:04:18
Speaker
Like if I had been the oldest, I would have been taking care of all four of us.
00:04:21
Speaker
But since I was the youngest, I had to prove my worth elsewhere.
00:04:25
Speaker
But I think so many women are brought up as like the caregivers and the proxy parents to their younger siblings.
00:04:31
Speaker
So we learned from such a young age that like we are not worthy simply breathing and existing and being ourselves.
00:04:38
Speaker
We're only worthy in service to X, Y, Z, typically other people and most especially men.
00:04:44
Speaker
And it puts you in a position of having to audition for people's approval.
00:04:48
Speaker
Like you're auditioning to be the best daughter, auditioning to be the best wife, best girlfriend, best friend.
00:04:52
Speaker
Like it's never ending, right?
00:04:54
Speaker
Because so much of it is about external validation.
00:04:57
Speaker
Like the thing about rest is no one is going to validate you for resting.
Valuing Personal Time
00:05:02
Speaker
Not even you.
00:05:03
Speaker
Exactly.
00:05:04
Speaker
Not even you, you know?
00:05:05
Speaker
And I think that's why it's valuable.
00:05:08
Speaker
Right.
00:05:08
Speaker
Because the very thought of time, people say time is money, time is valuable, etc.
00:05:12
Speaker
So we're so used to taking our 24 hours and being like, what is every hour worth?
00:05:17
Speaker
Which is so funny, because we never think about this in long term jumps, right?
00:05:20
Speaker
We never think, oh, I wasted 10 years with a guy.
00:05:22
Speaker
Let's waste 10 more.
00:05:24
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:05:25
Speaker
Nobody's ever thinking about it in the long term spectrum of things because they're like, well, it's not really about the time.
00:05:30
Speaker
It's about like the relationship.
00:05:31
Speaker
But the truth is, it is about the time, right?
00:05:33
Speaker
Because then when you actually push people, they're like, well, I've been with him for so many years, like it's too late for me to start over.
00:05:38
Speaker
So yeah, it is about the time.
00:05:39
Speaker
It's not just about the person.
00:05:41
Speaker
I mean, the time is being used as an excuse for the person, but it is about the time.
00:05:45
Speaker
And so like, what if we started valuing our own time a lot more just in general?
00:05:49
Speaker
Just recently, I had a work experience where I put a lot into it.
00:05:53
Speaker
And I didn't really get paid that much out of it.
00:05:56
Speaker
Again, it was a learning experience for me.
00:05:57
Speaker
I'd never done something like that before.
00:05:59
Speaker
So when I look back at the overall experience, I was like, well, what were the pros and cons, right?
00:06:03
Speaker
The pros were like, I learned how to do this, I could do it on my own, I'm a lot more confident executing something like this.
00:06:08
Speaker
But the con was that it wasn't worth the work that I was putting in.
00:06:12
Speaker
Right.
00:06:12
Speaker
It wasn't worth the time.
00:06:14
Speaker
Yeah, it wasn't worth the time.
00:06:16
Speaker
So the time and the work, right?
00:06:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:18
Speaker
And this is something where like my friends all kind of joke about like I'm known for being a napper.
00:06:23
Speaker
Right.
00:06:24
Speaker
And this is one way in which I've sort of like radically reclaimed my downtime because it's like, although I love watching movies and like listening to music and, you know, going onto YouTube, I do all these things too.
00:06:33
Speaker
Like
Health & Rest
00:06:34
Speaker
I'm a member of society.
00:06:35
Speaker
I live in a society.
00:06:36
Speaker
But one of my favorite ways to pamper myself is to let myself have a nap.
00:06:41
Speaker
And every time I lay down to take a nap, I'm just like, oh my God, I love my life so much.
00:06:45
Speaker
Like this is so amazing.
00:06:46
Speaker
First of all, naps are free, which is my favorite F word, even though I love to swear.
00:06:51
Speaker
But nothing makes me happier than something being free and something that's of worth.
00:06:55
Speaker
And I think especially when we think about rest, like we don't think about it in the long term.
00:06:59
Speaker
But like, I think a lot of the reasons why women have chronic autoimmune issues, chronic health concerns, I think a lot of it has to do with the long term effects catching up of you never fucking resting enough and adequately.
00:07:15
Speaker
Yep.
00:07:15
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:07:16
Speaker
And just continually, like, can I read you a little note that I got from one of my besties for my birthday this month?
00:07:21
Speaker
Sure.
00:07:22
Speaker
She gave me the best compliment of my life.
00:07:24
Speaker
She said, may this coming new year of your life be full of just the right amount of adventure with equal parts or more of repose and restoration.
00:07:35
Speaker
And I just love that she's like, I know you need your repose.
00:07:38
Speaker
Like even, even in my birthday letter, she's like, you've taught me so much just by how much you cherish and prioritize, not just adventure, which I do like I'm an adventurous person, but like equal hand in glove is the fact that I allow myself to rest and restore after my adventures and in my day to day.
00:07:56
Speaker
And I think that's a really lovely and underheard compliment.
00:07:59
Speaker
Like, have you ever had a friend compliment you like that?
00:08:02
Speaker
I haven't.
00:08:03
Speaker
No, I can't say I have.
00:08:04
Speaker
But you know what?
00:08:05
Speaker
A recent win for me, rest wise, I was like traveling somewhere recently.
00:08:10
Speaker
And I've had a lot of flight anxiety lately.
00:08:13
Speaker
I mean, I wasn't ever scared of taking flights because I used to fly a lot when I was a kid, but I started having a lot of flight anxiety.
00:08:18
Speaker
And I took like
00:08:19
Speaker
some medicine that a doctor prescribed for me ages ago.
00:08:23
Speaker
And it's supposed to help with anxiety in general.
00:08:25
Speaker
And like, I fell asleep within minutes of being on that flight.
00:08:29
Speaker
And like, when I say I was asleep, I mean, like, really asleep, mouth wide open, like a fly could have like just swooped right in, you know, and when I woke up, like my mouth was still open.
00:08:40
Speaker
And like, there was this guy like staring at me because I was like, without, you know, just like the joy of I haven't slept like that since I was a kid.
00:08:47
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:08:47
Speaker
I haven't like slept on a flight, like, cause I'm always so scared.
00:08:50
Speaker
Like if I feel any like turbulence or anything, I feel really anxious.
00:08:53
Speaker
Right.
00:08:53
Speaker
And for the first time, I, I don't know if it was just like a smooth flight or whether the medicine was really like, it's doing a number on me, but I just slept and I was so rested when I got out of the airport.
00:09:03
Speaker
I felt so rested and I was like, wow, why don't I allow myself to do that?
00:09:07
Speaker
Because I spend so much time in my head worrying about things.
00:09:10
Speaker
And I realized I was like, hmm, this is like a larger metaphor for life, right?
00:09:13
Speaker
How much time do we spend worrying about things that we have no control over when we could just chill?
00:09:19
Speaker
When we could just chill instead, you know?
00:09:22
Speaker
And we all know like how rare it is to step off a flight and out of the airport feeling rested.
00:09:27
Speaker
Like that's the gold standard for like getting your best life.
00:09:30
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, it's a very small thing, but it's just like I overcame this like anxiety that I face around flying so much that I've never really let myself like I didn't even realize it.
00:09:40
Speaker
But like even on really long haul flights, I didn't really let myself properly rest while I was on the flight because I was so nervous about what could go wrong, you know?
00:09:48
Speaker
And I had like this weird fear that if I didn't have my eye on the ball for like a minute, if I wasn't like perpetually paranoid about what might happen on the flight, like something bad would happen.
00:09:57
Speaker
So then like the whole flight, I'm just so anxious because all I'm thinking about is like, oh my God, how bad is this flight
Paranoia vs Caution in Relationships
00:10:02
Speaker
going to be?
00:10:02
Speaker
That's the worst.
00:10:03
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:10:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:05
Speaker
And it's just like, it just keeps you in a position of stress the whole way through.
00:10:07
Speaker
So you'd feel wired by the time that you get out of the flight.
00:10:10
Speaker
You know, you don't, you don't feel arrested.
00:10:11
Speaker
You feel miserable.
00:10:13
Speaker
You know what, learning and experiencing that has taught me a lot about just like relationships with men in general as well.
00:10:18
Speaker
Because I was like, you know, if I had spent less time worrying about what could go wrong with men, right?
00:10:23
Speaker
And instead, just being a more restful energy of like, well, you know, they may fuck up, that might happen.
00:10:28
Speaker
It's not in my control whether they fuck up or not.
00:10:30
Speaker
But I'll be able to move on if they do like having the confidence of being able to say, well, if they do do something weird, I can move on.
00:10:38
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:10:38
Speaker
The fact that I won't collapse from this is actually very essential to my well being.
00:10:43
Speaker
I don't need to be in a position where I'm constantly worried about a person trying to screw me over because I think
00:10:49
Speaker
there is a limit to how paranoid like you can be in your life.
00:10:52
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:10:52
Speaker
Like, a very paranoid sense of living is not what we're advocating for on this podcast.
00:10:56
Speaker
Like, we advise caution, we advise vigilance, but paranoia is not a part of that
Capitalism Critique
00:11:02
Speaker
strategy.
00:11:02
Speaker
And I think a lot of people listen to what we say, and they think, oh, they're being paranoid, not all men are bad this way.
00:11:07
Speaker
And we're like,
00:11:07
Speaker
We're not going after the whole world because we don't really have an interest in doing that.
00:11:12
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:11:13
Speaker
Like, except that there are people who are very flawed and we give people the guidelines needed to assess that.
00:11:20
Speaker
If you choose to like chase after people who are going to mess you over, like, I mean, there's nothing we could do about that.
00:11:25
Speaker
Right.
00:11:25
Speaker
I call that radical acceptance.
00:11:27
Speaker
Like we accept that people are and that the world is as it will be.
00:11:32
Speaker
But like, as for me and mine, that's what I'm going to tend to, you know, and like making sure that circle is safe and secure is the primary consideration.
00:11:39
Speaker
But after that, I just let it go, ladies.
00:11:41
Speaker
Like I'm not sitting here on a nervous bundled mess of stress day to day.
00:11:46
Speaker
Like I'm quite a joyful person, you know, like people regularly comment to me on like how I'm just such a happy person.
00:11:52
Speaker
cheerful person.
00:11:53
Speaker
And I'm like, well, it takes a lot of work, like it's a lot of cultivation.
00:11:56
Speaker
But yeah, like I've created a life and a world that really makes me happy and enlivens me every day to wake up to, you know, after I've had my sufficient rest and relaxation.
00:12:06
Speaker
So you know, what was also interesting about getting this letter for my friend is
00:12:10
Speaker
And we've been friends for like 15 years now.
00:12:13
Speaker
Like we've done international travel together.
00:12:15
Speaker
We're super tight.
00:12:16
Speaker
What's interesting is that Diana, at first when I read that, like that just the right amount of adventure with equal parts or more of repose and restoration and then smiley face.
00:12:25
Speaker
I was like, is she like harassed?
00:12:26
Speaker
I'm like, is she trolling me for being lazy?
00:12:28
Speaker
Like at first had this knee jerk reaction of like, oh, she's kind of like making fun of my laziness.
00:12:33
Speaker
And then I was like, Maria, no, like that's your paranoia.
00:12:36
Speaker
That was my paranoia popping up.
00:12:38
Speaker
And I like had to have a little walkthrough in my own mind about like, why is my mind going to that?
00:12:43
Speaker
Like, that's her complimenting you.
00:12:44
Speaker
That's her affirming who you are and the choices you've made in your life.
00:12:47
Speaker
Like, don't take this the wrong way just because the world would have their own perception of like who you are.
00:12:54
Speaker
But again, like I think part of the reason I am so cheerful and happy is because I get my rest, right?
00:13:01
Speaker
I make sure I rest.
00:13:03
Speaker
And I'm not just talking about like, I'm sitting on my couch, I'm watching a movie, like I'm reading a book, I'm listening to music.
00:13:10
Speaker
No, it's like, I'm sitting in silence.
00:13:12
Speaker
I'm going for a walk with my dog with like no phone, just raw dog in it out in the world, you know, because I think part of rest is actually really at heart getting back to being at home within yourself.
00:13:25
Speaker
And I think that's why people struggle with rest so much, Diana.
00:13:28
Speaker
Yeah, and I mean, at the end of the day, like internalizing what people feel about you, regardless of whether it's true, right?
00:13:33
Speaker
Like, I mean, I have family members that tell me I'm lazy all the time.
00:13:37
Speaker
But I've achieved goals that many people in my 30s, like people around me, haven't achieved.
00:13:41
Speaker
Like a lot of my friends know me to be extremely driven and very ambitious.
00:13:45
Speaker
And so when I tell them, oh, yeah, but my family thinks I'm really lazy there, they just like are so confused by that, you know, because they're just like, in what universe are you lazy?
00:13:54
Speaker
You know, and it's like, well, it's almost not the point that I am lazy.
00:13:58
Speaker
The point is to insult me.
00:13:59
Speaker
So they're using whichever weapon they think is going to affect you the most.
00:14:04
Speaker
Again, men do that a lot too, right?
00:14:05
Speaker
It's not whether it's true or not.
00:14:07
Speaker
I think a lot of people need to get out of their own heads and realize that the truth of the insult is not actually what is the problem here.
Financial Empowerment & Gender Roles
00:14:14
Speaker
Because there are certain kinds of criticism that is constructive and that could actually help you.
00:14:19
Speaker
But the point is that people like this are not operating from good faith.
00:14:22
Speaker
The point is not to be constructive.
00:14:25
Speaker
The point is to be insulting.
00:14:27
Speaker
And so it almost doesn't matter.
00:14:30
Speaker
Like, it's as meaningless as you're ugly.
00:14:34
Speaker
Or you won't get a guy until you lose 50 pounds.
00:14:37
Speaker
Okay.
00:14:38
Speaker
All right.
00:14:39
Speaker
Assuming that I lose the weight, it's not going to bring bigger problems for me because I'm going to attract the exact kind of shallow man that I'm trying to avoid.
00:14:46
Speaker
If the only reason why a man is after me is because I'm 50 pounds lighter than I was previously, is that really the kind of partner I should be attracting anyway?
00:14:54
Speaker
And pick me's will tell you, yeah, because any man is better than no man.
00:14:58
Speaker
But that's the limited scarcity mindset that we don't operate with, right?
00:15:01
Speaker
I don't operate with that.
00:15:02
Speaker
So I can kind of clock when people are trying to insult me for the sake of it's like, you're so lazy.
00:15:06
Speaker
And I'm like, you live in a rented house.
00:15:10
Speaker
And I'm saying this from South Asia, okay?
00:15:11
Speaker
I'm saying this from South Asia.
00:15:12
Speaker
I'm not trying to insult someone who rents their home.
00:15:14
Speaker
I rented my home for a very long time.
00:15:16
Speaker
Like whenever I lived in the States, I was only on rent.
00:15:18
Speaker
You know, I never owned a home abroad, for example.
00:15:21
Speaker
But the cheek of people who live in rented properties sitting and telling me a person who bought my first home before I hit 30 that I'm lazy.
00:15:29
Speaker
And I'm like, if I was genuine, either I'm lazy, which I, you know what?
00:15:32
Speaker
The funny thing is I'm okay to accept that I'm lazy because that means I'm the biggest genius alive.
00:15:36
Speaker
If I'm lazy and I was still able to rig the system in my favor,
00:15:40
Speaker
then I'm a fucking genius and people should be applauding me.
00:15:43
Speaker
Okay.
00:15:43
Speaker
Hello.
00:15:44
Speaker
Bill Gates actually said that somebody was like, I was just about to bring the Bill Gates.
00:15:49
Speaker
I vaguely remember him saying that he only hires people who are lazy because they know the shortcuts and they use shortcuts to get the job done.
00:15:56
Speaker
And I mean, I think there's some truth in working smarter than working harder.
00:15:59
Speaker
Okay.
00:16:00
Speaker
Yes.
00:16:01
Speaker
Capitalism has got you confused people because it's not just that they want you productive.
00:16:06
Speaker
They want you productive and exhausted because then you're buying things that you would otherwise, if you were had the energy, you would be doing them yourself and saving yourself money, buying food from outside, like, you know, having somebody come clean your house, all of these things you would do yourself if you had the energy.
00:16:22
Speaker
And that's the other thing, right?
00:16:23
Speaker
Capitalism has corrupted your honor system into thinking that the more you work, the more rewarding you are of anything, right?
00:16:30
Speaker
It's like this false merit-based system.
00:16:32
Speaker
It's like, I deserve more
Marriage as a Business Contract
00:16:34
Speaker
because I put more work into it, right?
00:16:36
Speaker
And it's like women who think that marriage is a prize, for example, they're like, well, I deserve my husband's assets because I put way more work into maintaining this relationship.
00:16:44
Speaker
So why the hell does the mistress get everything?
00:16:46
Speaker
And it's like, well, because she worked smarter.
00:16:48
Speaker
She had the true measure of what your husband was.
00:16:51
Speaker
You know, that's the unfortunate thing, right?
00:16:53
Speaker
Like you're operating by an honor system that your husband does not believe in.
00:16:57
Speaker
That was your first mistake.
00:16:59
Speaker
This is also Diana.
00:17:00
Speaker
This is something where like we have elevated capitalism to a religion.
00:17:04
Speaker
It's a cult.
00:17:05
Speaker
People believe that if you somehow just like if you pray to the right gods, a.k.a.
00:17:10
Speaker
get the right job at the right place, if you get the right degree, if you know the right people, all of this is like going to get you to the pearly gates of heaven, a.k.a.
00:17:17
Speaker
like a fully funded retirement with your full health.
00:17:20
Speaker
People are desperate to believe that that's the answer to actually having a life of ease and of security.
00:17:26
Speaker
And it's actually the opposite because corporations will not be taking care of you on your deathbed.
00:17:32
Speaker
They are happy to raid your pensions if it can make their venture fund guys another $20,000.
00:17:37
Speaker
There is no honor in these systems of capitalism.
00:17:41
Speaker
And be wary of the fool who believes there is.
00:17:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:17:44
Speaker
That's really what's been tough for me, like understanding that, you know what, just looking out for myself in the business world is going to make sure that I get what's mine because nobody else is looking out for me or to be fair, to be really honest.
00:17:56
Speaker
Yeah, the professional capacity, nobody's looking out for you.
00:17:58
Speaker
But let's assume that nobody really is looking out for you, right?
00:18:01
Speaker
At the end of the day, even as a partner, it's your responsibility to make sure that the assets and stuff are in your name.
00:18:06
Speaker
Like these are active conversations you should be having.
00:18:09
Speaker
People really shy away from talking about money, but this ties into our prioritizing rest thing.
00:18:14
Speaker
You're not really prioritizing rest if you're spending all your time working to make up for the fact that you don't have a supportive partner.
00:18:19
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:18:20
Speaker
What do we mean by maximizing rest is to create like the avenues for which you can actually maximize the ability to rest.
00:18:27
Speaker
Just recently, I know somebody who got divorced, right?
00:18:32
Speaker
And they were entitled, obviously, to their partner's assets, but their partner put their new girlfriend as the CEO of their company.
00:18:38
Speaker
Oh,
00:18:39
Speaker
So now there's like a custody battle between wife and girlfriend.
00:18:44
Speaker
And he left all of his assets in his mother's name.
00:18:46
Speaker
Like there's no battle between her and him.
00:18:49
Speaker
The battle is between her and all these other women in his life that he's managed to triangulate with her.
00:18:54
Speaker
And he's very cleverly managed to sidestep the entire issue.
00:18:57
Speaker
Because you have to also look at like the legalese of your country and like see what the laws are like, because there's many countries where the law is not favorable to women.
00:19:06
Speaker
In most countries, the logic is that like the one who is more financially vulnerable is the one who's entitled to more.
00:19:12
Speaker
But if he's done a bunch of shit to help prevent you getting his assets, like, you know, putting his girlfriend in charge and like making sure that all of his assets are in his mother's name, then he doesn't have any assets to disclose for you when it's time to divorce.
00:19:26
Speaker
Like, let's be real here.
00:19:27
Speaker
They can say one thing and they're like the law says and it's supposed to be there to protect the like, you know, the underserved.
00:19:33
Speaker
But ultimately, money talks and money wins.
00:19:36
Speaker
And the best lawyer is going to get the best deal for their client.
00:19:39
Speaker
And that's just how it goes.
00:19:40
Speaker
And I think, again, this is part of sort of the naivete and the idealism that women are brainwashed into thinking the world abides by.
00:19:48
Speaker
Men know that's not how it works.
00:19:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:50
Speaker
They know because they've set it up to their own advantage, but they want you to think otherwise so that, again, they continue to have the advantage over us.
00:19:58
Speaker
And that's the thing.
00:19:58
Speaker
I think people buy into the trad wife rationale because I don't really think that women want to be trad wives.
00:20:03
Speaker
I think they want to be like princess.
00:20:04
Speaker
They want to be aristocrats.
00:20:05
Speaker
That's what they want to be.
00:20:06
Speaker
They're not really interested in being like a traditional working mother.
00:20:10
Speaker
They don't want to work.
00:20:11
Speaker
It has very little to do with running the family because that's work.
00:20:15
Speaker
If it was about actually running the family, they would never want to be a trad wife because it's way more work sometimes.
00:20:20
Speaker
Exactly.
00:20:21
Speaker
You're on call 24 seven.
00:20:22
Speaker
If it was about work at all, then being a trad wife is the last thing they'd want to be.
00:20:26
Speaker
I think it's that they want to be aristocrats and they're comparing their socioeconomic situation to someone who has way more money than them.
00:20:32
Speaker
Holy shit.
00:20:33
Speaker
We've got some real talk right here, ladies.
00:20:35
Speaker
Like this is straight from the source.
00:20:36
Speaker
This is so true.
00:20:37
Speaker
I mean, and this is like the difference between the haves and the have nots, you know, as somebody who works as like an executive assistant to high income, high net worth income families, I cannot get over like, what these people pay me to do.
00:20:50
Speaker
It's like all the minutia of life that they just don't want to have to deal with.
00:20:54
Speaker
Returning something to Amazon, picking up dry cleaning, getting the car's oil change.
00:20:59
Speaker
Like it's all of the things that you know what, in the regular world, these are just things you have to do.
00:21:04
Speaker
But they want to come from this sort of aristocratic, this life of indolence mentality.
00:21:10
Speaker
And because they earn so much, they're like, well, this is why I work to earn this much so that I never have to dirty my hands again.
00:21:15
Speaker
Again, I don't think that they're involved in the financial legality of their contracts.
Caregiving & Burnout
00:21:21
Speaker
Like in general, I think a lot of people don't want to admit that marriage is a contract.
00:21:24
Speaker
It's a legal business contract at the very core of like what the institution is about.
00:21:28
Speaker
And I think a lot of women are thinking, well, this is a meritocracy.
00:21:32
Speaker
I have won the title of wife and that entitles me to some assets.
00:21:35
Speaker
And again, in certain circumstances, it does.
00:21:37
Speaker
If you're a non-working person and you're relying and dependent on this person, which we never advocate for in FDS anyway, you
00:21:43
Speaker
But if you were this person who is, you know, dependent on your spouse and stuff, when he divorces you, hoping that he hasn't managed to squirrel away and hide money, you're entitled to what, 50% of his assets or whatever.
00:21:54
Speaker
Right.
00:21:55
Speaker
But like, if you look at the situation that I just mentioned, like this person automatically assumed that because they were married to this person, they were entitled to the assets.
00:22:01
Speaker
And yes, they were.
00:22:02
Speaker
except that he very cleverly made sure none of the assets were in his name.
00:22:06
Speaker
And so they weren't his assets.
00:22:08
Speaker
They were somebody else's assets.
00:22:09
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:22:10
Speaker
It's so diabolical, but we all do that.
00:22:12
Speaker
If they have money that you could damn well be sure that they have an estate attorney, that they have like all these attorneys that they've consulted with who have got everything wrapped up tight because they, I'm sure they don't care what the law says.
00:22:24
Speaker
They're going to make sure they can do what they can as somebody who has more power and money.
00:22:27
Speaker
They're going to take advantage and they're going to win.
00:22:30
Speaker
Yep.
00:22:30
Speaker
And I really encourage women in general to like go over the contracts on your own and to make sure that, you know, it doesn't matter if you feel like your partner is not like a super high net worth individual and you guys are just, you know, ordinary, average, middle class people.
00:22:43
Speaker
I don't know.
00:22:43
Speaker
I don't, whatever the circumstances are, like you never know who's going to blow up.
00:22:47
Speaker
You know, you never know whose business is going to run like a huge profit.
00:22:51
Speaker
Maybe it's yours, right?
00:22:52
Speaker
You protect your assets.
00:22:53
Speaker
I think it's a good idea to like have this discussion.
00:22:55
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:22:56
Speaker
I think a lot of women don't want to talk about money because it's icky.
00:22:59
Speaker
And because we've been like, you know, we've been shamed into being considered gold diggers.
00:23:03
Speaker
And so like, nobody wants to look like a gold digger.
00:23:05
Speaker
But like, I honestly encourage women to embrace their inner villain and be a gold digger.
00:23:11
Speaker
Because I remember there was this really stupid woman once who was like, Oh, I always tell men.
00:23:15
Speaker
that I'm a lesbian so that they leave me alone.
00:23:17
Speaker
And I was like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
00:23:19
Speaker
Like, I couldn't even stop my mouth from saying that.
00:23:21
Speaker
I was just like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
00:23:23
Speaker
Because if you know anything about men and how much pornography they watch, they're fantasizing about lesbians all the time.
00:23:27
Speaker
That's not like a deterrent.
00:23:28
Speaker
Like they're going to want you more, right?
00:23:30
Speaker
If you really want to chase a man away, tell him you're a gold digger.
00:23:36
Speaker
Tell him you don't have any relationships with men without money and ask him to deposit money into your account for the first date.
00:23:42
Speaker
Watch how quickly he runs away.
00:23:45
Speaker
I've never had to reject a man because I just go straight into that mode.
00:23:48
Speaker
I'm a straight up gold digger.
00:23:50
Speaker
I own it.
00:23:51
Speaker
I own it.
00:23:51
Speaker
I'm a gold digger.
00:23:52
Speaker
I'm a platinum digger at this point.
00:23:53
Speaker
It's insulting to say I want gold.
00:23:56
Speaker
Okay.
00:23:57
Speaker
I want the creme de la creme.
00:23:58
Speaker
I'm a diamond digger.
00:23:59
Speaker
I'm a gold digger.
00:24:00
Speaker
I'm a platinum digger.
00:24:01
Speaker
I'm an asset digger, a land digger, whatever you want to call me.
00:24:04
Speaker
I'm a digger of all sorts.
00:24:05
Speaker
Yes, yes, because you've learned.
00:24:07
Speaker
I mean, honestly, like we're both joking and we're not joking.
00:24:11
Speaker
Because what was I just hearing?
00:24:12
Speaker
YV edit, Lisa was talking about this.
00:24:15
Speaker
She's like, and we've talked about this before.
00:24:16
Speaker
It's not that we necessarily want rich men.
00:24:18
Speaker
We want generous men.
00:24:20
Speaker
A man who comes in asking for 50-50 on the first date is the stingiest, greediest, most grasping individual you will ever meet.
Resilience Against Societal Rejection
00:24:29
Speaker
And is that the energy you want in your life?
00:24:30
Speaker
Because like we all know that we bring so much
00:24:33
Speaker
We're the table plus everything that's on the table.
00:24:36
Speaker
And it's like, these men know it too, but they don't want you to know that they know it.
00:24:39
Speaker
And also men never fear asking for what they want.
00:24:42
Speaker
Like if a man wants to have sex with you or he wants to like grope your tits or whatever, he's never shy about that.
00:24:46
Speaker
He's like, oh, can I touch them?
00:24:47
Speaker
Like he's never shy.
00:24:49
Speaker
Men are never shy about what they want.
00:24:50
Speaker
I don't believe in the concept of a shy man.
00:24:53
Speaker
I believe in a concept of a lazy one.
00:24:55
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:24:57
Speaker
Men are definitely lazy, right?
00:24:59
Speaker
Like the thing is about shy is that women are very eager to take the title of shy and make it mean something more than what it is.
00:25:05
Speaker
It's like, oh, he's just so shy and introverted.
00:25:07
Speaker
You know, he's like Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.
00:25:10
Speaker
He just like withdrawn.
00:25:11
Speaker
He's aloof.
00:25:12
Speaker
You know, and it's like, no, he's none of those things.
00:25:14
Speaker
He just lacks social skills.
00:25:15
Speaker
And he's like one of those stray dogs that if you get too close, he's going to bite you.
00:25:19
Speaker
Right.
00:25:19
Speaker
Right.
00:25:22
Speaker
But no, for real.
00:25:23
Speaker
Like, I don't want to spend my whole life socializing a stray man.
00:25:26
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:25:27
Speaker
Like, why is it my job to tell you, hey, you know what?
00:25:30
Speaker
You like that girl?
00:25:30
Speaker
Maybe you should go out and, you know, maybe you should go up to her and ask her out.
00:25:33
Speaker
Like, I can't make you overcome your own fears.
00:25:35
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:25:36
Speaker
I have fears of my own to work on.
00:25:37
Speaker
It can't be, like, down to every woman to socialize the men around them and be like, don't be so scared.
00:25:42
Speaker
Like, what is the worst that's going to happen to you?
00:25:44
Speaker
Like, she's going to say no, and you'll be like, okay, that sucks.
00:25:47
Speaker
It stings a bit.
00:25:48
Speaker
You'll move on.
00:25:48
Speaker
Like, she's not going to take a knife and be like, how dare you ask me out?
00:25:51
Speaker
Slash.
00:25:52
Speaker
You know, so I always think that their fears are a little bit stupid because it's like, yes, everybody fears rejection.
00:25:58
Speaker
But if you've been rejected enough, it's just, you know, water off a duck's back.
00:26:02
Speaker
It's not that important.
00:26:04
Speaker
And also, I think that's part of being an adult is like learning how to deal with rejection and continue on like to cultivate resilience.
00:26:11
Speaker
That is part of what it means to become a mature and self-realized, fully individuated adult.
00:26:16
Speaker
Like, you know who fears rejection?
00:26:18
Speaker
Children.
00:26:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:19
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, and you're an artist, too.
00:26:20
Speaker
So I know that you know that, like, you know, artists get rejected a lot, like to the point where it's almost meaningless.
00:26:25
Speaker
Now I face so much rejection, it just doesn't even register anymore.
00:26:28
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:26:29
Speaker
Like, it's true.
00:26:30
Speaker
It's like, okay, on to the next.
00:26:31
Speaker
Like, I never register the rejection anymore, because it's just in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't matter.
00:26:37
Speaker
It's so true.
00:26:37
Speaker
I was actually going to introduce the artist angle, because like, when I tell you, like, how much I've been criticized and rejected, but in this case, it is constructive criticism, because that's the world of the arts, right?
00:26:47
Speaker
Like,
00:26:48
Speaker
Nothing is ever good enough.
00:26:49
Speaker
There's always things that can be improved.
00:26:51
Speaker
It's not a moral failure.
00:26:53
Speaker
It's simply what it means to be a participant in the arts world.
00:26:56
Speaker
And the rejection too is part and parcel of being in the arts.
00:26:59
Speaker
Like there's always going to be somebody who's better or somebody who has a connection or their mom's on the PTA or, or, or, or.
00:27:05
Speaker
It's like fully much a Nepo baby world as well.
00:27:08
Speaker
But that's not the point.
00:27:09
Speaker
Like if I want to be in this world and I have to embrace the culture of it, that's simply what it is.
00:27:14
Speaker
And I think that's something that really gets me when I hear all these men being like, oh, I just hate rejection.
00:27:18
Speaker
It's like, what do you think it is to be a woman in the world?
00:27:21
Speaker
We're constantly rejected.
00:27:22
Speaker
The very essence of our being is rejected as being inferior to men, like from birth, you know?
00:27:28
Speaker
And so to hear this like, oh, I just, what if she says, no, I have no sympathy.
00:27:32
Speaker
I have no empathy.
00:27:33
Speaker
It's like, just grow up, man.
00:27:35
Speaker
Yep.
00:27:36
Speaker
And I mean, if you look at countries where female infanticide is like a huge deal, like female children are rejected from birth.
00:27:43
Speaker
Literally, you know, some of those kids never get to grow up ever.
00:27:46
Speaker
So I mean, the thing is, I don't set too much stock by the title of marriage and being a wife by itself.
00:27:53
Speaker
I think it's a meaningless title without actually investigating what it means for you personally, right?
00:28:00
Speaker
You have to do a lot of work to make sure that the union is going to give you something that's worthwhile.
00:28:06
Speaker
Because if it's just for the title of wife, it's the most meaningless title you could get.
00:28:10
Speaker
Because the amount of work that goes into being someone's wife is most of the time not worth it, unless you're getting something out of it.
00:28:18
Speaker
And for most women, they're getting nothing out of it.
00:28:20
Speaker
And they have to justify making that terrible decision with, oh, well, but I love my kids.
00:28:24
Speaker
Like, I'm not the biggest fan of my husband, but he gave me my kids, so it's fine.
00:28:27
Speaker
And it's like, well, you could have gotten those kids any other way and not had to deal with him.
00:28:31
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:28:32
Speaker
So it's the kids are not a justification.
00:28:34
Speaker
They are the consolation prize.
00:28:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:37
Speaker
And like, honestly, with some of these kids out here these days, like, is it even that much of a prize?
00:28:41
Speaker
But I think this is so true.
00:28:43
Speaker
Like part of learning and recognizing how to have rest that is advantageous to you is sort of like doing upfront work to ensure that sort of the downstream continues to be a situation that that enables you to flourish and rest and repose.
00:29:00
Speaker
Right.
00:29:01
Speaker
So often like upfront, we're like, Oh, my life's going to be so much better.
00:29:04
Speaker
Like I'm going to have a partner who supports me being able to afford a mortgage and all these other things is so much easier on a two person income versus a one person income.
00:29:11
Speaker
All these things are true upfront.
00:29:13
Speaker
But for example, if you're going to be the one who's solely responsible for the upkeep of the house, you know how much work that is.
00:29:18
Speaker
Like, you know, much time and energy goes into actually upkeeping a house, let alone like the repairs and the maintenance.
00:29:25
Speaker
And a lot of these men are looking for somebody to like be fully responsible for them.
00:29:29
Speaker
not having to do any of that, right?
00:29:30
Speaker
They want to enjoy the experience of living in a home and having like equity, but not doing any of the work of a homeowner.
00:29:37
Speaker
And so this is what we mean by like, being aware and being willing to negotiate and have the difficult conversations up front.
00:29:45
Speaker
Not necessarily the are you going to like write me a check before we have a first date, although I love that example.
00:29:49
Speaker
But like,
00:29:50
Speaker
But truly, you know, looking at some of these things, oh, you want to move in together?
00:29:53
Speaker
Well, what does that entail?
00:29:54
Speaker
Like, oh, what is your idea about what marriage looks like?
00:29:56
Speaker
What a marriage timeline looks like?
00:29:58
Speaker
What having children looks like?
00:29:59
Speaker
Like, I can't imagine how all these people are like getting married and having kids and they've never had any of these conversations, Diana.
00:30:05
Speaker
Yep.
00:30:06
Speaker
And I will say I've only ever done that with men I absolutely don't want to go on a date with.
00:30:10
Speaker
I'm just trying to be as unappealing as humanly possible.
00:30:13
Speaker
And being a goldzicker is very unappealing to a lot of them.
00:30:16
Speaker
You know, I think a good man is probably not going to care.
00:30:18
Speaker
He's probably going to find that amusing, actually.
00:30:20
Speaker
Exactly.
00:30:20
Speaker
Yes.
00:30:21
Speaker
But I mean, I've done the whole thing of like, people have annoyed me and I've charged them unlocking fees.
00:30:26
Speaker
Like, I've done all of those things.
00:30:30
Speaker
And I mean, like, honestly, because I have a very short temper with men.
00:30:34
Speaker
And like, when I feel like I get irritated by them, I've set the bar even higher for them to have access to me, if at all, you know, most of the time, like these days, I have such little patients that they piss me off one time, and they never hear from me again, you know, but back when I was still engaging them, I was like, well, what will allow me to feel less cheated?
Rest as Radical Self-Care
00:30:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:51
Speaker
That's what allowed me to feel less cheated.
00:30:53
Speaker
And I used to take that and be like, this is reparations for my time.
00:30:55
Speaker
I'm going to go and get ice cream.
00:30:56
Speaker
So you see, I would prioritize my rest because I was like, okay, I'm going to go and buy myself some makeup from Sephora or I'm going to go and get some ice cream or buy some shoes or whatever, you know, like his stupidity is paving the way for my rest.
00:31:10
Speaker
But like, that's the thing, like the rest is really important.
00:31:12
Speaker
And the legwork has to be done upfront.
00:31:14
Speaker
Like the contract that I filed recently, right?
00:31:16
Speaker
Like I was the one who drafted the contract, which the guy that I was working with was not aware of.
00:31:21
Speaker
I had like a lawyer who was working pro bono for me look over it.
00:31:25
Speaker
But I put in and inserted some clauses in there that were favorable to me.
00:31:29
Speaker
And I had her look over that and be like, does this look standard to you?
00:31:32
Speaker
Like, does this look okay?
00:31:33
Speaker
And she was like, yeah, it looks good.
00:31:35
Speaker
It looks like it favors you.
00:31:36
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, that's what I want, right?
00:31:39
Speaker
And I sent it to him and I don't even think he really read it, right?
00:31:42
Speaker
And he signs this contract.
00:31:43
Speaker
And then he comes back to me and he flipped over the percentages, which made no sense because I did more work.
00:31:49
Speaker
So like, why the hell is he entitled to the majority share of the profits, right?
00:31:53
Speaker
So I had to point it out and be like, no, sir, you're not entitled to the majority shirt because you didn't do the work.
00:31:58
Speaker
And also, I should not have to like, based on our breakup, I said that like, you know, the cost of whatever I get would be after the deductions would be done for like marketing and things like that.
00:32:07
Speaker
So he had basically bungled the math.
00:32:10
Speaker
And he had like basically flipped around who was owed what and like gave me the smaller cut, which made no sense because I was the one who devised the entire thing for him.
00:32:19
Speaker
And because I had checked the contracts myself, because I had written those clauses myself, I knew them in and out.
00:32:26
Speaker
And so he had to stick to the contract because I was the one who wrote them.
00:32:30
Speaker
Like before you get married to someone, sit down with a lawyer and actually look over what you're agreeing to.
00:32:37
Speaker
Because it has to think about contingency.
00:32:39
Speaker
You have to have something for contingency of,
00:32:42
Speaker
Well, what if one of us was to start a business?
00:32:44
Speaker
How will we split the profits of that?
00:32:46
Speaker
Never work for free for them, obviously.
00:32:48
Speaker
It goes without saying if you're working for them.
00:32:50
Speaker
Like all of these things are an aid of your rest so that you're going to be doing way more work afterwards if you don't do the work beforehand.
00:32:56
Speaker
If you do the work before, you don't have to worry about working afterwards.
00:32:59
Speaker
Like I prioritize my rest so I do all the work up front because I don't want to be in huge legal battles with other people.
00:33:06
Speaker
So I make sure I step into that.
00:33:07
Speaker
I think it's so ironic that he's like, no, I should be making all this money.
00:33:10
Speaker
But that's the thing is I think men without even realizing it, because that's what patriarchy has taught them is that they are to benefit from the labor of women and that they are to receive the lion's share of the benefits.
00:33:21
Speaker
I mean, think about how many men are like, my woman should prepare me a plate first before even the children, right?
00:33:25
Speaker
Because I should be getting the choices, pieces of meat.
00:33:28
Speaker
And I should be getting like, you know, the first go of food, even when I have a five-year-old who's like crying, they're like, I need to be served first.
00:33:34
Speaker
I think this is a little more extreme example, but I think this is, but the one you've given us, I really do think men believe that in their heart of hearts and they don't know that they believe
Challenging Domestic Labor Norms
00:33:44
Speaker
that.
00:33:44
Speaker
So that's just how they act by default.
00:33:46
Speaker
Like this man clearly thought knowing that he was not the one doing the bulk of the work.
00:33:51
Speaker
He still thought he deserved the lion's share of the profits.
00:33:53
Speaker
Even if you get married, that is how they think.
00:33:55
Speaker
And one thing I've heard again and again, from people who divorce is like, you don't know who you married until you divorce them.
00:34:02
Speaker
Like they can be one person when they're married to you.
00:34:05
Speaker
But divorce can introduce a very different element of their character that you've never had to deal with before.
00:34:10
Speaker
Because they're no longer able to take advantage.
00:34:13
Speaker
Who you wear and who you divorce are two different people.
00:34:16
Speaker
That's right.
00:34:16
Speaker
So again, this is all about like learning how to avoid sort of the downstream disadvantages and drawbacks of not doing your due diligence.
00:34:25
Speaker
And you know what, there's some merit in using men's tactics against them.
00:34:28
Speaker
Like, I think I read this once in Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov.
00:34:33
Speaker
I don't know if you've read that book, but I think she talks about like, you know, don't cook for men who are not your husbands, obviously.
00:34:39
Speaker
you know, with a guy at his home and he's like, Oh, why don't you cook me something?
00:34:42
Speaker
Like offer to cook popcorn and set it on fire.
00:34:46
Speaker
I was like, she's like, burn it, burn it so that he never asked you to do another task again.
00:34:49
Speaker
And I was like, Oh, this is weaponized incompetence, except this time it's the woman doing it.
00:34:53
Speaker
And I was like, I'm in favor of this.
00:34:55
Speaker
I'm in favor of him making me do less, you know?
00:34:58
Speaker
I'm in favor of being so bad at my job.
00:35:00
Speaker
He's like, woman.
00:35:03
Speaker
I'm okay with that.
00:35:04
Speaker
That's the thing, right?
00:35:05
Speaker
I've embraced being okay with being thought of as a villain as long as I don't have to do the work because my time is more valuable than his time.
00:35:11
Speaker
It just is.
00:35:12
Speaker
I have less of it.
00:35:13
Speaker
You know, my lifespan is actively being cut down by sitting and serving him.
00:35:17
Speaker
So by virtue of that, my life is worth a lot more than his is like the time is worth more because I have less of it.
00:35:23
Speaker
I really think that's such a true statement.
00:35:25
Speaker
That's such a poignant statement.
00:35:26
Speaker
And actually, I have to tell another family anecdote.
00:35:29
Speaker
My mom comes from a family of German farmers who all live into their 90s, not like 91, 92, but like 95, 97, 98.
00:35:37
Speaker
And they all live to their 90s, fully healthy, in full control of their faculties and fully mobile.
00:35:45
Speaker
Okay.
00:35:46
Speaker
Now in the US, this is pretty unusual, right?
00:35:48
Speaker
But this is a family she descends from.
00:35:50
Speaker
Well, my father never took care of his health, was a hard partier in his youth, was an angry man his whole life.
Redefining Host-Guest Dynamics
00:35:57
Speaker
The last 10 years of his life, he had so many health issues that like he had papers being written on him by Mayo Clinic doctors.
00:36:05
Speaker
And she actually retired so that she could like take care of him full time and take him to all of these appointments and blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:36:12
Speaker
And I don't think it would surprise anybody that like less than 10 years after he had died, she too had died at 79.
00:36:19
Speaker
And it was after a long battle with cancer as well.
00:36:22
Speaker
And she was such a good patient and like never complained and was like truly like the most angelic woman, even until the very end.
00:36:28
Speaker
But when I tell you he probably cut her life short by 15 to 20 good years.
00:36:33
Speaker
I'm not exaggerating.
00:36:35
Speaker
women, this is a peek into what your life could be if you are not fucking impeccably careful and cautious and like doing everything to your utmost to secure your own advantage.
00:36:47
Speaker
The funny thing is I've seen this in reverse as well, where like, especially in families where it's just men, like it's one mom, like, and just she just has sons and like a husband, she doesn't have any other woman picking up the slack.
00:36:57
Speaker
Like I've seen many situations in which the mom has just like
00:37:00
Speaker
died because of being overworked and like overexploited, burnt out.
00:37:04
Speaker
And like not a single one of those men ever thought that it was like them pushing her that caused that.
00:37:10
Speaker
And they rushed to replace her instantly.
00:37:12
Speaker
I'm sure.
00:37:13
Speaker
Well, they need a pack mule.
00:37:14
Speaker
They need a new slave.
00:37:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:15
Speaker
Like their life has been so choice and cushiony.
00:37:18
Speaker
Why wouldn't they want a new one?
00:37:19
Speaker
But how tragic is that?
00:37:20
Speaker
That's how many think.
00:37:22
Speaker
You know, we need to start using this logic of like men keep saying they're stronger and they have better muscle mass and like they have more stamina and they need to put that stamina and strength to good use and pick up a dish or two, you know?
00:37:34
Speaker
And I do that all the time.
00:37:35
Speaker
Like with the family members of mine, like I never clean dishes at like any male family member's house.
00:37:40
Speaker
My mom gets so annoyed at me because she's like, oh, you come off like a brat.
00:37:43
Speaker
And I'm like, I don't care if I'm a brat.
00:37:45
Speaker
That's the thing because I don't have to do it.
00:37:47
Speaker
And that's what I care about.
00:37:48
Speaker
I don't care if like after I leave, they're like, wow, she didn't even pick up a dish.
00:37:52
Speaker
I'm the guest in your house.
00:37:54
Speaker
Why the hell should I pick up the dish?
00:37:56
Speaker
Right?
00:37:57
Speaker
Like when somebody comes to my home and I'm entertaining them and they're the guest and I'm the host, I don't make them do a damn thing.
00:38:01
Speaker
I don't know about whether this is cultural for like other cultures, but like in my culture, if you are a guest, like we literally say the guest is God.
00:38:08
Speaker
And so we treat the guest like it's divine.
00:38:10
Speaker
Like you don't have to do a damn thing if you are a guest in my house.
00:38:14
Speaker
Okay, can I just interject?
00:38:15
Speaker
First of all, I love this for you.
00:38:16
Speaker
You are amazing.
00:38:17
Speaker
I always am learning from you, Diana.
00:38:20
Speaker
I just want to give you an example.
00:38:21
Speaker
In a pre-talk, I had actually been complaining to Diana about a recent trip I had made to visit a brother overseas.
00:38:26
Speaker
And I was really happy to go see him.
00:38:28
Speaker
And like, it was a really lovely visit, except for a few things that I was complaining about to Diana that I'm not going to bring up here.
00:38:33
Speaker
But the example you just gave to me is I was there for 10 days, and I did the dishes every meal, like the second to last day before I left.
00:38:42
Speaker
I cut my finger and it was only then that I was permitted to not do dishes.
00:38:47
Speaker
Otherwise I was doing dishes for five of us two to three times a day, every day for the entire trip that I was there.
00:38:52
Speaker
And I just kind of, because in my family, he's a brother, he's a man.
00:38:58
Speaker
I am there to serve and help.
00:38:59
Speaker
I'm not there to be a guest and relax and be like faded.
00:39:03
Speaker
Do you know what I mean?
00:39:04
Speaker
And so just hearing your example kind of brings it through to me again, like, no wonder I have all these weird hangups and like ideas around how I've got to be useful and the first to pick up the dish and the first to get the dishes washed.
00:39:14
Speaker
Like that is exactly how I was brought up.
00:39:16
Speaker
And now with FDS, I have really been working FDS and my therapist, Paula, have really been helping me work through and push beyond that.
00:39:23
Speaker
And that's why I'm better rested than ever.
00:39:25
Speaker
And like my skin looks amazing.
00:39:27
Speaker
Ladies, I glow.
00:39:28
Speaker
You know, I think there's a cultural element to it as well.
00:39:30
Speaker
Because like, when I was a kid, I went to a lot of parties where like, the men and women were like segregated and the women are in the kitchen having discussions and like they were cooking and they were helping out in the kitchen and they were bringing out all the food.
Rejecting Gender Roles
00:39:40
Speaker
And then when all the food was eaten, they were like gathering together and chit chatting and like doing the dishes together.
00:39:45
Speaker
And even as a child, I just thought that was so strange, you know, because I used to hang out with my dad because I was a kid.
00:39:49
Speaker
So I wasn't expected to do anything in the kitchen.
00:39:52
Speaker
But like some of the women who were raised like really conservative would make their children like the female children like clean up with them.
00:39:58
Speaker
And like, I was like, you could not get me to do that.
00:40:00
Speaker
Even back then, like if my dad or my mom made me do that, like I honestly, my inner lazy would kick in.
00:40:05
Speaker
I'd be like, there's no way I'm not in somebody else's house to do their dishes.
00:40:08
Speaker
Like that's crazy to me.
00:40:09
Speaker
You know, even as a child, I was like morally opposed, which is funny because I actually enjoy washing dishes.
00:40:16
Speaker
Absolutely nothing wrong with like doing the dishes at all.
00:40:18
Speaker
Like I used to listen to FDS like when I would do tasks.
00:40:21
Speaker
I would like listen, you know, I'd wash my dishes.
00:40:22
Speaker
I'd go like writing like that was when I would listen to my podcast.
00:40:25
Speaker
So like I love listening to music or like watching a TV show and like listening to podcasts when I do the dishes.
00:40:30
Speaker
Like it's something that I don't mind doing.
00:40:33
Speaker
I just from a moral perspective of being a guest, I'm just like, why should I be doing it?
00:40:38
Speaker
Like I would never allow another guest in my house to do it.
00:40:41
Speaker
So why should I be doing it?
00:40:42
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:40:43
Speaker
I'm watching and I'm learning, Diana.
00:40:45
Speaker
I'm watching and I'm learning.
00:40:46
Speaker
Seriously, it's radical for me to understand this at a deeper level.
00:40:50
Speaker
And that's what FTS keeps helping me do.
00:40:51
Speaker
It keeps helping me sort of drill down deeper and deeper into some of these knee-jerk reactions, into some of these prejudices that I continue to hold, even unwittingly, right?
00:41:00
Speaker
Yeah, I just want to draw like, you should always strive to be a wonderful guest as well, right?
00:41:05
Speaker
Like, you should obviously strive to be a guest that's a joy to have.
00:41:09
Speaker
People invite you to come back, but people always want me back, you know?
00:41:12
Speaker
Right.
00:41:12
Speaker
I remember like, I was visiting a guy friend of mine, I'm the godmother of his kids.
00:41:17
Speaker
And he was like, Oh, in the morning, you know, you can help out with the farm.
00:41:20
Speaker
And I was like, I love you, but that's not gonna happen.
00:41:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:24
Speaker
I was like, there's no way in hell I'm getting up at like 6am to help you with your horses or whatever.
00:41:29
Speaker
I'm going to be asleep.
00:41:30
Speaker
Okay.
00:41:31
Speaker
Only a man would even think to say that.
00:41:33
Speaker
I think he thought it would be enjoyable, you know, because it's like, oh, the novelty of like being on a farm.
00:41:38
Speaker
And I was like, no, no, it's not.
00:41:40
Speaker
I don't know.
00:41:41
Speaker
Just no.
00:41:42
Speaker
That was my brother too.
00:41:43
Speaker
He's like, you can get up early with the kids.
00:41:45
Speaker
Like knowing that I love to sleep.
00:41:47
Speaker
He was like, you can get up early with the kids.
00:41:49
Speaker
And I was like, um, okay, I will because they're my niece and nephew and I hardly ever see them.
00:41:53
Speaker
But like, also fuck you.
00:41:55
Speaker
It's so rude.
00:41:56
Speaker
Sometimes you have to enforce civil disobedience, I've realized, because like this friend of mine is not like an aggressive male.
00:42:02
Speaker
He's not like a mean guy.
00:42:03
Speaker
You know, he's not like, oh, he's not going to think less of me because I refuse to do any labor.
00:42:07
Speaker
Like he's the same way.
00:42:09
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:42:09
Speaker
In that like this is a guest, like he just thought it would be a fun thing for me to do.
00:42:13
Speaker
But like he's like the person who does all the household labor.
00:42:16
Speaker
Like his wife has a very important job.
00:42:18
Speaker
And so he's the one who's like cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids like 24-7.
00:42:21
Speaker
So he like makes everyone's meals.
00:42:22
Speaker
He makes everybody's lunchboxes.
00:42:24
Speaker
he's the one who's like fixing the menu and cleaning up the entire house.
00:42:27
Speaker
Like there's seasonal farmers.
00:42:28
Speaker
So he's like sitting and doing all the farm work all morning.
00:42:30
Speaker
And then during the day, he's making sure everybody gets their meals.
00:42:34
Speaker
And like, you know, when we were kids, he was always the one who was checking up on whether I was hydrated because he's always concerned about the fact that I don't drink any water.
00:42:40
Speaker
So he like, even now he chases me around a bottle of water and he's like, this is still such a problem.
00:42:44
Speaker
I can't believe that like you are still like this.
00:42:47
Speaker
Like what's wrong with you?
00:42:48
Speaker
And like,
00:42:49
Speaker
That's the thing, right?
00:42:50
Speaker
I made it difficult for him.
00:42:51
Speaker
So now he's just used to looking after me.
00:42:53
Speaker
There's no concept of like, it's my job to do this.
00:42:56
Speaker
And I just don't.
00:42:57
Speaker
I'm like, I love you, but I won't.
00:42:59
Speaker
Like, I'll tell you right now that I'm on holiday.
00:43:00
Speaker
There's no fucking way I'm waking up at like 6am in the morning to go, I don't know, grab some sheep or something.
00:43:05
Speaker
Because you know, I did that.
00:43:07
Speaker
I went to vet school.
00:43:08
Speaker
I did the whole 6am, give the sheep manicures and chase after the goats and make sure the alpacas don't bite you.
00:43:13
Speaker
Like I've done that.
00:43:14
Speaker
It's cute.
00:43:15
Speaker
It's adorable.
00:43:16
Speaker
It's not for me.
00:43:21
Speaker
I think a lot of people are just afraid of seeming mean and brutal.
00:43:24
Speaker
And it's like, yes, being a good guest can entail, you know, washing after a dish or two after yourself.
00:43:29
Speaker
Like there's no dishes left in the sink.
00:43:31
Speaker
And this is not like a dishwasher family.
00:43:33
Speaker
And you're drinking out of one cup.
00:43:35
Speaker
Like, yeah, sure.
00:43:36
Speaker
Wash that dish.
00:43:36
Speaker
Like it's not for other people to wash.
00:43:37
Speaker
Like that's fine, you know, but sitting and rearranging their wardrobe and cleaning their kitchen.
00:43:42
Speaker
And like, no, there is a limit between being a good guest and like not,
00:43:46
Speaker
making a spectacle of yourself and occupying too much space in somebody else's home versus you going above and beyond to be the surrogate, like, I mean, I don't know, the
Asserting Equality in Household Chores
00:43:55
Speaker
surrogate wife.
00:43:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:56
Speaker
The spare maid of the home, you know?
00:43:58
Speaker
Even in Thanksgiving, like, people talk about, like, how women will go and visit, like, their friends.
00:44:03
Speaker
And, like, the guys are all sitting and drinking beers and watching TV.
00:44:05
Speaker
And the women are like, oh, okay, well, how can I help?
00:44:07
Speaker
Why is it that we automatically assume this role of like, it's our job to help?
00:44:11
Speaker
It's because we're brought up that way.
00:44:13
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:44:13
Speaker
100%.
00:44:14
Speaker
It's how we're conditioned.
00:44:15
Speaker
And I have to say, you know, like, this is something my therapist Paula would say to me too.
00:44:19
Speaker
She's like, Oh, are you going home for Christmas break?
00:44:21
Speaker
Are you going home to be Cinderella?
00:44:23
Speaker
Yeah.
00:44:25
Speaker
because my therapist, Paula is a real one, right?
00:44:26
Speaker
Like she was like, I'm tired of trying to like get you to see like how misused you are, whether it was abused or misused, you know, how much you're being exploited.
00:44:35
Speaker
Like you're in a very rigorous grad school program.
00:44:38
Speaker
You need to rest on your break.
00:44:39
Speaker
And instead you go home and you come back even more exhausted, like this can't continue.
00:44:44
Speaker
And so I think what you just pointed to is like, we are so afraid of being perceived by others.
00:44:51
Speaker
Yeah, and we're so afraid of being perceived as bossy too.
00:44:54
Speaker
Like I'm a bossy little bitch.
00:44:55
Speaker
I delegate to men all the time.
00:44:57
Speaker
If I go to my friend's house, like even if her husband is not the type who's ever like been told what to do, I'm like, hey, you're tall and big and strong, right?
00:45:03
Speaker
Why don't you set up all the dishes and the you know, put all the placemats and shit.
00:45:07
Speaker
Like I always pamper them with their ego, right?
00:45:08
Speaker
I'm like, you're a big strong man, why don't you get to it?
00:45:11
Speaker
get to it.
00:45:12
Speaker
This is really the heart of why so many women do have a hard time resting.
00:45:15
Speaker
We are so afraid of being perceived as stepping out of line, being lazy, being worthless, being selfish, you know, being masculine, there's no end of things that we are afraid of being perceived as and ultimately what it's leading to is lives that are compromised by health issues and lives that are literally cut short.
00:45:33
Speaker
And so I want you to think about that when you're so so afraid, when you just can't let yourself lie down for a rest.
00:45:40
Speaker
Really start to dig deep and go into why you're hurting yourself and why you feel you aren't worthy of being cared for by the one and only person who's ever going to care for you like no one else, yourself.
00:45:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:51
Speaker
And I think a lot of people need to start thinking they deserve it, you know, like start asking men to do shit.
00:45:56
Speaker
And if they don't just leave them behind.
00:45:58
Speaker
I don't believe in this malicious compliance thing.
00:46:00
Speaker
Like if I meet a hostile man who like if I ask him to do something that I think is relatively simple and he's like, well, I shouldn't have to do it because I'm a man.
00:46:06
Speaker
Guess what?
00:46:07
Speaker
I'm never speaking to that guy ever again.
00:46:08
Speaker
I'm not procreating with him.
00:46:09
Speaker
I'm not marrying him, not dating him.
00:46:11
Speaker
I'm not befriending him.
00:46:12
Speaker
And if that's my friend's husband, I'm side-eyeing her and being like, what the fuck?
00:46:16
Speaker
Like, why is it such a big deal, like such a matter of ego that he can't pick up the dish or can't do the laundry, you know?
00:46:23
Speaker
If all of womankind were to die off tomorrow, what the fuck would the men do?
00:46:26
Speaker
Die.
00:46:27
Speaker
Perish.
00:46:28
Speaker
Yeah, they perish, right?
00:46:30
Speaker
Ultimately, I think this is something that I keep coming back to as somebody who's like vehemently anti capitalistic, I use my like ideology as just fuel for the fire of knowing that rest is a radical rejection of capitalism.
00:46:44
Speaker
Right?
00:46:44
Speaker
Rest is a radical rejection of consumption.
00:46:48
Speaker
Rest is you restoring the planet back to its natural habitat and like back to its natural equilibrium.
00:46:55
Speaker
We are so far out of whack right now because productivity and workaholism has been like, you know, raised to levels of Jesus level worship.
00:47:05
Speaker
And nobody rests when they need to.
00:47:06
Speaker
And I think the natural world, the planet as well needs us to learn how to fucking chill, dude.
00:47:13
Speaker
And that's the thing.
00:47:14
Speaker
It's never going to be comfortable asking people to pull their weight.
00:47:17
Speaker
And you just have to learn how to be okay with being a villain.
00:47:20
Speaker
The thing is, if your husband or partner is surrounded by good people, if he was ever going to come at them with, you won't believe what my asshole wife asked me to do.
00:47:29
Speaker
She asked me to wash the dishes.
00:47:31
Speaker
Those men are going to look at me like, okay.
Conclusion & Empowerment Teaser
00:47:33
Speaker
And?
00:47:33
Speaker
Yeah, like you're a loser, dude.
00:47:36
Speaker
I mean, of course, I know those kinds of men are not in abundance, right?
00:47:39
Speaker
But like, you have to be with men who think that doing that kind of shit is absolutely normal.
00:47:44
Speaker
That it's not a gender thing.
00:47:46
Speaker
That's the only way.
00:47:46
Speaker
I think a lot of people think that like men need to be awarded for cooking and cleaning and picking up after themselves.
00:47:52
Speaker
And like a lot of men will be there asking you to celebrate them too and being like, I'm such a great guy, right?
00:47:56
Speaker
Like I do all these things.
00:47:57
Speaker
I don't know why I can't find a good woman.
00:47:58
Speaker
And it's like, because this is showboating.
00:48:00
Speaker
This isn't real, right?
00:48:02
Speaker
This is a facade.
00:48:03
Speaker
Like this is a mask you're putting on because you think it's going to get good reviews.
00:48:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:48:08
Speaker
And it's not who you really are.
00:48:09
Speaker
Like when I look at that friend of mine, you know, the dad who was like, why don't you wake up in the morning and do the farm work?
00:48:14
Speaker
I was like, ha, adorable.
00:48:16
Speaker
But never in his life has he expected the women in his life to do that kind of work.
00:48:20
Speaker
He picks it up and he does it.
00:48:21
Speaker
I don't think his wife has ever had to tell him the dishes need to be done.
00:48:24
Speaker
You need to do this.
00:48:24
Speaker
You need to do that.
00:48:25
Speaker
He's very proactive.
00:48:26
Speaker
He's very proactive about what needs to be done in the house, except that it's his role.
00:48:29
Speaker
And it's the role that he and his wife have agreed upon.
00:48:32
Speaker
They're like, she brings some of the money.
00:48:34
Speaker
It's the role of being human.
00:48:36
Speaker
To be human is to have a never-ending list of things you have to do every day in order to maintain your human body.
00:48:42
Speaker
It's not something that's exceptional.
00:48:44
Speaker
It is mundane.
00:48:45
Speaker
And if he feels like it's an exceptional thing that needs to be, like, you know, faded and celebrated and cosseted on, ladies run the other way.
00:48:53
Speaker
And I think, Diana, with that, we've basically...
00:48:55
Speaker
covered everything we wanted to.
00:48:56
Speaker
Is there anything else we've missed?
00:48:58
Speaker
No, I think we've covered most of it.
00:49:01
Speaker
Most of it, if not all.
00:49:03
Speaker
But yeah, I mean, I think it's better to partner with people who realize that doing tasks is not gendered and you do it because you need to be doing it.
00:49:10
Speaker
Like you need to have the dishes washed because you need clean dishes.
00:49:13
Speaker
You need to have the laundry done because you need clean clothes.
00:49:15
Speaker
Somebody who thinks that like, you know, I'm not going to do this because it's this is a man's role and this is a woman's role.
00:49:20
Speaker
OK, if it's a woman's role to be in the kitchen, I'm going to need you to start putting a certain amount of money into my bank account every month.
00:49:25
Speaker
Correct.
00:49:26
Speaker
Start being a provider.
00:49:27
Speaker
You want to have a marriage?
00:49:29
Speaker
I'm going to need you to start like, you know what?
00:49:31
Speaker
Let's take one note from the Japanese woman in Japan.
00:49:33
Speaker
Apparently, the men deposit their entire bank account into the wife's account.
00:49:37
Speaker
And it's her responsibility to basically be the accountant of the house and make sure that like all the bills and everything are paid.
00:49:42
Speaker
And then she gives him an allowance for him to go and have fun with.
00:49:46
Speaker
And I think we should all start doing that because if they want traditional gender roles and they want me to like manage the house and look after it and do all this shit, then if I'm getting this kind of responsibility, then I'm going to need your entire paycheck.
00:49:56
Speaker
Watch how quickly he's going to be like, no, no, no, let's just be modern.
00:49:59
Speaker
Point blank period.
00:50:00
Speaker
Exactly right.
00:50:02
Speaker
I'm telling you, the second you want men to start behaving is start bringing up money.
00:50:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:50:06
Speaker
Just start bringing up money.
00:50:08
Speaker
So rest is vital and fundamental.
00:50:10
Speaker
And whatever he wants you to do things, start charging him.
00:50:13
Speaker
The end, point blank, period.
00:50:14
Speaker
Diana, thank you as ever for a wonderfully enlightening, concitulating conversation.
00:50:20
Speaker
And to our listeners, we're so happy to hear from you.
00:50:22
Speaker
We want to hear more.
00:50:23
Speaker
We want to hear listeners' stories.
00:50:25
Speaker
We've got people coming up for interviews in the next couple months that we're very excited to host.
00:50:29
Speaker
So stay tuned for that.
00:50:31
Speaker
Exactly.
00:50:31
Speaker
And as usual...
00:50:33
Speaker
Email your stories at contact at the female dating strategy.com.
00:50:37
Speaker
And also remember our bonus episodes.
00:50:39
Speaker
They come out every week.
00:50:40
Speaker
Get it until next week.
00:50:42
Speaker
Die mad scrotes.
00:50:45
Speaker
See you later.
00:50:46
Speaker
See you later.
00:50:46
Speaker
Bye.