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15. Overcoming Perfectionism through Self-Love: with Empowerment Coach Michelle McKee
34 Plays2 years ago
Welcome beauties!
This week I get to interview the beautiful Empowerment Coach and Inspirational Guide, Michelle McKee.
Michelle's path to purpose has been a unique one. Due to being an over-achieving perfectionist, it took her until she turned 35 to go on a self-love journey. One thing was always clear and is that she wanted to help people. Now Michelle knows her mission is that by healing herself and sharing her voice, she can help heal others.
Michelle is 2/4 pure Generator, and she walks us through her journey from childhood, what it was like growing up in a small town, moving out of state to Los Angeles at age 17 to pursue her dreams of fashion school, to getting really sick and experiencing unexplainable daily migraines, to her experience in Dharma Coaching Institue and how her self-love journey has given her confidence to embrace her gifts and live her purpose.
We chat about the insights Michelle has had since having her Gene Keys read and how much peace and calm it's given her on her Purpose journey! <3
You can find Michelle at: www.instagram.com/missmeeshmiche
You can connect with me at: www.instagram.com/iamellisamae
You can book your Human Design or Gene Key Reading with me at: https://calendly.com/byellisamccoy
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Transcript
Introduction to Spiritual Journey
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello, my friend. Welcome to the It's Happening For Me podcast. If you're obsessed with all things spirituality, personal growth and development, and living as your highest self, you are in the right place. I am your host, Alyssa, and I spent the majority of my teenage years and young 20s living totally out of alignment. As I started to question my patterns and behaviors and actually got to know myself at the soul level, I realized that everything was happening for me.
00:00:30
Speaker
Now, as a spiritual life coach and human design guide, I am here to share my voice, personal stories, human design wisdom, and learn from incredible individuals living their purpose. Join me each week as we walk the spiral path of purpose together. I cannot wait to dive in.
Michelle's Early Struggles and Family Dynamics
00:00:53
Speaker
Hello, everyone. Welcome to the It's Happening For Me podcast. I am so excited that you're here. And today I am so excited because I'm chatting with such a beautiful friend of mine, a peer that I met through Dharma Coaching Institute.
00:01:10
Speaker
I am just so excited to have her share her story, and really her path to purpose. And we're excited to talk about all things self love, what it's like being a generator and having that sacral response, and just all of the things. So I am so happy. So Michelle, thank you so much for being here.
00:01:28
Speaker
Thank you so much for having me, Alyssa. Yes, I'm so excited. So Michelle is a self-empowerment coach and a inspirational guide. And she is really here to walk people through the path of self-love. And so I guess I'm really interested, and I think a lot of people listening to this podcast are always interested in what was life like before you actually started your spiritual journey, because usually there's some sort of catalyst that happens or
00:01:56
Speaker
We just start to realize that we are seeking change, and then we get thrown into this new, exciting world. So what was your life like before you discovered personal growth and development? Ooh, I would say the biggest thing was I wasn't in alignment. And if you had asked me five years ago, I didn't even comprehend what that word actually meant, alignment. Because we talk about it a lot in the spiritual community. But before this path,
00:02:25
Speaker
I was just so out of alignment with who I really was and like my purpose, my path, even just like being in my own body, if that makes sense. And yeah, before going on a self love journey, I just had such, I know all of us have a love-hate relationship with our body, but I really, really,
00:02:52
Speaker
was so disconnected. And I didn't know what that was before my self-love journey. And even starting on my self-love journey, I realized how much conditioning was such a big part of my life. And then to dig deeper into that, as a generator, whew, learning how much conditioning is around, I mean, everyone in human divine, but like generators, I'm an animal team.
00:03:21
Speaker
just have so much conditioning to work through. I already know that this is a lifelong journey, but now after starting it, I feel like such a relief, if that makes sense.
00:03:34
Speaker
It makes so much sense. I was just talking about that the other day too of how I always felt so disconnected from my body too before I had some sort of spiritual awakening. It was like I was just so disconnected from myself and there was a part of me that also never wanted to be alone with myself. That's what I also wanted to ask you. So you're a 2-4, right? A 2-4 profile? Yes.
00:03:56
Speaker
Okay, so I was just talking about this the other day how when I was a child, I felt very connected to the 2-4. I loved my alone time, but then I also loved socializing with friends until I started having a rougher time in life where I got completely disconnected. So when you think back to your childhood, do you see a clear point where you were in alignment before life happened in all the conditioning, or did you never feel really connected to the 2-4?
00:04:24
Speaker
Well, that's such a great question. When I've, cause I've done a lot of like inner child work. When I think back, I feel like I was so connected to that and like connected to an intuition as well. Like I completely lost that along the way. But going back, like I grew up in a family with mostly boys. So there weren't a lot of girls around me. And then even in my neighborhood, there were just not very many girls or they like all moved away.
00:04:52
Speaker
So I was by myself a lot and I have an older brother. So I just learned to play by myself and I loved it. Like I didn't have the fight with someone like who gets to play with what like doll Barbie like soft animal. I could play whatever I want. Of course it was like me being a princess. Although I kind of feel like now I was like living a past life experience. We can go into more later, but
00:05:19
Speaker
Yeah, it was, I loved it. And then as I got older, I almost felt pressured to be
00:05:28
Speaker
Like, because I'm a Libra son. So I do have that charming aspect to me. Like, it just comes naturally. People like gravitate towards me, which I didn't realize it was like, like, people are pulled to me. But people just like, always liked me. Like, I could, I can be friends with like, anyone. I can get along with anyone. And I just felt pressure to always socialize.
00:05:52
Speaker
And then being with parents who are like the opposite, like my mom is so social, my dad is like very anti-social, and kind of seeing how they dealt with it, it was just so important to realize what that meant for me. So yeah, I felt like I was definitely more into the 2-4 when I was a kid compared to now.
High School Experiences and Finding Acceptance
00:06:20
Speaker
Yes, that was my experience too, because I feel like when we're born, we're born whole and complete and we're so in tune with our design because it's our sole signature blueprint. And so I feel like that's why I also felt very connected. I love spending time alone and playing imaginary things, pretending I was a teacher and all of the things and also socializing. And then, yeah, it's so interesting how our parents or the behaviors that are modeled to us influence us. And then we're like, oh,
00:06:48
Speaker
And then also how I love how you said, too, that everyone's so drawn to you and gravitated towards you. And it's probably the fore in your profile, the opportunities where you are so warm. And also, just the generator aura of just being such a warm enveloping hug, you just feel good to be around. So it's like, I can see how then you start putting yourself on the back burner because you're just showing up for everybody else. So yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Cool. OK, so my next question is,
00:07:16
Speaker
Where was the turning point in your life? If you feel comfortable talking about it, was there anything that happened where you stopped feeling like yourself and now you're like, oh, now I'm starting to feel self-conscious about myself or I don't feel confident? Because for me, it was moving when I was in seventh grade across country and I was so confident as a child and then moving.
00:07:39
Speaker
seventh going into eighth grade I completely had no friends anymore and that's where I kind of felt like I wasn't myself and that's where my kind of like downworld I had like a spiral like down spiral but I'm just wondering like was there any event in your life where you just started not feeling like yourself? Honestly I feel like after I got um after like age of seven was like about the time where I just really like
00:08:08
Speaker
there was just like trauma that happened. And so I just fully disconnected from myself. And so I was just such a people pleaser. And I know you've talked about that before, but I like was such a people pleaser. I became such a perfectionist that like age five, I don't even know if that makes sense, but yeah, I became such a perfectionist. And so my life like revolved around this like image, like being perfect.
00:08:37
Speaker
easing everyone. And it's not like my parents put a lot of pressure on me. Like I love my parents. They were great parents. They were very like, they grew up with a very rigid, like structured life. So they were like the opposite where they were like, they're not like hippies, but they were like so laid back and gave my brother and I like the space and but I put that responsibility on myself. And
00:09:03
Speaker
That just became such like a huge burden that I didn't even, you know, at like five, six, seven, I didn't even know what like a burden was, but I was just like, okay, well, I'm just going to like always be okay. You know, like I can't have any problems. I have to be perfect. I need to be whatever for everybody else. And that just kind of became like my persona.
00:09:28
Speaker
if that makes sense. Like that just became who I was until I went to college. And then honestly, my senior year was probably the time where I became not quite the loneliest, but I kind of became a loner even though I had friends. But we were all kind of going through our own things and they got into like drugs and alcohol and
00:09:54
Speaker
I was just being from a small town. I was like, I'm not going to be a statistic. I don't want to get pregnant young. I don't, you know, like I had this, I was also someone who had like a 10 year like plan. So I was like, this is my future. This is what I need to do and da da da da da. And so my senior year, I kind of spent a lot of time alone because looking back, I didn't know I needed that, but I was just like, I'm going to do my own thing.
00:10:22
Speaker
And then also my senior year, I got into a vocational high school that's in like Seattle. I'm from Seattle, Washington. So there was this vocational high school that I interviewed and got accepted into. So I went to two high schools. So thank God for that because that kind of like kept me out of trouble. And it was something I was really passionate about because I ended up going to college for fashion design and the
00:10:50
Speaker
the school was for fashion and merchandising. And I actually ended up really loving it. And it kind of got me back on the path that I was supposed to be because I think the junior year, it really wasn't obvious to people, but my grades went down and I was just really struggling my junior year. And so my mom had like talked to me and she was just like, remember your plan. And so it was kind of like a nice like kick to the butt.
00:11:19
Speaker
a nice reminder, I was like, okay, yes, okay, I can't like stay here. If I stay in this town, I'm not gonna be me. Like I've never been me in this town. So I got back on my path, kind of just stuck to myself my senior year at the college. And it's funny because I moved to Los Angeles, like I moved right into downtown. And most people are like, you weren't like scared or afraid or like, you know,
00:11:49
Speaker
worried about going to like a big city. I was like, no, I'm like ready for it. Like, my parents like just like, you just wanted to get away from us. So I was like, yes, I wanted to get away from like all of Washington state.
00:12:05
Speaker
Don't get me wrong, there are great people watching this day. But it's like the moment that my parents like drove into California and like drove into like Los Angeles County, I felt at home. Like I just felt completely like this is where I'm supposed to be. And still to this day, I have like some friends who don't really get that but I'm like, oh man, it feels like home here. Like
00:12:32
Speaker
within a week of being in college, I made friends from like every state and from multiple countries and back home, you know, it's a small town. So like there's a specific type of people you're around, you know, you get comfortable in your like, clicks, your friends, you grow up with them, but, and I still love them, but
00:12:55
Speaker
Moving to Los Angeles, I just had such a great experience. I've met so many people, so many great people. And there were some that I had so many things in common with. And then there were others that the only thing we had in common was that all of us came from different states, countries, and we came out here to live our dream. But that was enough. And going to a fashion school, I went to FITM, Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising.
00:13:24
Speaker
we were like creative people. So it's just like, imagine just like throwing a group of creative people together. And I had never been around so many creative people and everyone had like their own little thing that they were into. Some people wanted to do like mini fashion shows like in our dorm rooms and some people were into photography, makeup. You know, there was one girl that she was really into like hair. So it's like,
00:13:52
Speaker
being around all these people and they like actually accepted me for me. Like I didn't have to be fake. I didn't have to like please them. There's like, oh, that's cool. You know, I used to get made fun of for being into bridal magazines because I wanted to, I went to school to design bridal gowns and like evening dresses. That was my dream. I used to get made fun of for reading these magazines and
00:14:20
Speaker
When I told them, they're like, oh, that's actually cool. Oh, you read that? And I was like, oh, yeah. But it was just for the first time in my life, I could be so open about everything. I could talk about music till the cows came home. And they're like, oh, man, I'm really digging that. Oh, what's that artist? Because I was into a lot of underground music mixed with what was popular. I had a whole mix that they would
00:14:47
Speaker
jokingly call me like a DJ because I just had so many different type of like albums. And so it was just like, I found my people. And obviously, there were people that came into my and left and those friendships were there for a reason. But I still have some of my closest friends from college, like we talk still to this day. And like,
00:15:13
Speaker
I'm so thankful that they're in my life because they really did accept me for who I was. And I hope that everyone gets that experience. Because I know there's a lot of people who don't feel like they belong. They feel like they have to be a different person. But man, like leaving my hometown was like the biggest leap I ever made. But it was like the best.
00:15:40
Speaker
I'm so glad I took that, even though I was from a small town. And sometimes people ask me like, well, why would you like me to LA? Like, wasn't it scary? And I was like, maybe I just didn't feel the pressure I did come out here to be famous. You know, a lot of people move out here to be like, acting, singing, dancing, that kind of thing. But I was like, no, I'm just coming here for college. We'll see what happens next.
00:16:07
Speaker
Oh my gosh, I love that so much. I think it's so relatable because the majority of America is small towns. Everyone dreams of Los Angeles and it's in all of the movies and it's so glorified as being the place where everybody wants to go and the place of dreams.
00:16:24
Speaker
Most people can relate to her story because they probably grew up not in Los Angeles. And I feel like in small towns, I'm so I'm also from Colorado from like the Midwest. It wasn't a super small town, but both my parents grew up in Nebraska and very small towns. And so all my family lives in small towns.
00:16:40
Speaker
And I feel like that's kind of where like the most, it's like the most conditioning can take place because especially when you're in a small town, it's like the beliefs and like, it's like your family and like the beliefs of the town and like everything is so more like, um, I just feel like magnified onto people because in a big city, you know, you might not know your neighbors. Like you can walk down the street and like not know everyone. There's like a lot less pressure to be who everyone else wants you to be. We're living in a small town. It's like, like you said, it feels so constricting and like
00:17:10
Speaker
if you got made fun of for liking bridal magazines. It's like, how is that even weird? But the people in your town thought it was weird, and so they made you feel bad about it. So I thought it was just so cool and brave of you to your soul knew that you could not thrive in this town. And so you're like, oh, I'm just ready. I'm not even scared. I'm just going to go to a place where I know my soul is calling me. And then you found your people, like you said. And I think that's such a beautiful message for people.
00:17:39
Speaker
we don't get to choose our family. We don't get to choose the people we go to high school with. It's like such a small group of people.
Family Responsibilities and Pursuit of Independence
00:17:46
Speaker
And it's like when we allow ourselves to like move or to explore and try new things, it's like we really can find our people who are going to help us evolve and like step into our soul. So so I thought that's so beautiful. Yeah, and I didn't realize how big of a deal it was until I've had friends come back to me or even like
00:18:05
Speaker
people I knew in high school say, I really admire that you moved away. You went to a big city. That's a huge step. And to me, I was like, oh, whatever. It wasn't a huge thing to me, but it's what called to me. And originally, I actually applied to go to school in London because I have a grandmother who was born and raised in London. And so I was like, oh, I always wanted to have a flat in London and go to school.
00:18:35
Speaker
So I applied to go to college there, but being that I was 17 when I moved out here, my parents were like, we're not gonna let a 17 year old go all the way to London. So I was like, okay.
00:18:47
Speaker
I'll stick to the West Coast. And I think back like, what if I actually went to London? I would not have the same people I have in my life now or the people that I've met. So it's like everything comes in synchronicity, you know, when I look back of like, this is where I'm supposed to be. Like I've been in Los Angeles for 20 years, 20 years. And I have the same roommate that I had in college. And most people are like, I can't believe
00:19:16
Speaker
that happened to you. I was like, I mean, we just had such a great relationship, like we're best friends. And, you know, of course, once you find a good roommate in a big city, you gotta stick with them. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Do you have your, do you have your G center defined? I forget. Or is it undefined? Like the identity center?
00:19:39
Speaker
I don't think I do. Is it? Okay, is it undefined? Because I was thinking like, I'm just trying to think like, what is it in your design that you kind of always it seems like you always kind of knew who you were like, even though like you struggled with like feeling like you weren't really fitting in and you're in the town you lived in. It's like, you kind of like knew that you wanted to go to school, you wanted to like go to fashion school like you
00:20:03
Speaker
didn't allow the influence of other people of drugs and alcohol. People who moved to LA, most people fall in the party scene. It's so easy to fall inside the party scene. So I just think it's so interesting and really beautiful how your soul always knew to stay on track and not to be devoured by that scene, especially in Los Angeles. So it's probably also that you found really good friends, that you guys had so much in common, and you were probably so dedicated to your school.
00:20:32
Speaker
I'm just I don't know. I'm just assuming. But what do you think about that? Um, honestly, I will say I think my small town raising helped with that side, because I will say I was not sheltered from a lot of things. So I am being that I have a sibling four years older than me, I saw them like I saw him go through a lot, his friends, and then
00:20:59
Speaker
my friends. So it's like, I witnessed a lot at a young age. And again, it has that like perfectionist and that plan. And I like, I was such a book nerd, like I read so many things like I could, if you knew me back then, I could like give you so many statistics. I'm like drunk driving and pregnancy and
00:21:22
Speaker
like it's you know i laugh at it now but i was like so rigid back then that like no i have a plan and i need to stick to it and so just seeing everybody kind of like going because in my high school like my grade like my class was a pretty big class i think it started with like 600 kids and then whittled down to like 400 who graduated and
00:21:49
Speaker
just seeing like by the end of my freshman year to the beginning of my sophomore year, I saw a lot of girls drop out due to like pregnancy, addiction, that kind of thing. And I just thought like it was really heartbreaking. And, you know, for me specifically, I just put myself like at a high standard, like, yeah.
00:22:15
Speaker
Like people would, my friends would joke that I was just kind of stuck up. You know, like Clueless was like my movie where I was like Cher, where I was like, I'm not gonna date high school boys. I just don't, like I have, like I can say I was kind of stuck up on some things and had very high standards of myself. And because I had an older sibling that went through a lot of stuff, he had his own trauma, I felt responsible to,
00:22:44
Speaker
be perfect, you know, going back to that perfectionist part in me. But like, I felt like I had to be the responsible ones. Like, my mom said it, like I came out of the womb, like an old soul and like very responsible. So it's in my nature, but I just felt like I had to be not better than everyone, but I had to be
00:23:06
Speaker
like here. If my friends were like, you're getting high, I need to be like up here and be like the responsible one like watching. And yeah, I just, there were a lot of times where I could have fallen into that. But, you know, and not to say I didn't experiment or do anything, but
00:23:26
Speaker
Yeah, I just, I witnessed a lot of things. And then being that like my close group of friends all went through stuff and I saw them go through challenges with that. And it's just, it's such like a, it's such a like a ugly battle to go through, you know, like as teenagers, you already have so much pressure. You already have so many insecurities and
00:23:52
Speaker
You know, a lot of us don't know who we are. We're trying to find ourselves and then you mix in like alcohol and substance and it just makes it even worse. And so, yeah, I just witnessed a lot. I was like, I'm ready.
00:24:10
Speaker
I need to get out of here. If I stay here, I am going to get into it. And because of my family, we do have alcoholism. So my grandmother was always very honest about that. And she was just like, you know, once I was getting ready to go to college, she really talked to me about it. She's like, you need to be careful. And so
00:24:29
Speaker
Yeah, I think because of this being in a small town and seeing that because, you know, there's not a lot to do, but drink and get high and have sex and do all of that. You know, I just, I was like, I, I'm not going to be a statistic. That's what I told myself. And once I got to LA, it was more of like, I didn't need it. Like,
00:24:55
Speaker
It wasn't even necessarily being so comfortable with myself and knowing myself so well because for 17 years I'd been someone else. Now it was finally getting to be who I was. And I felt like I didn't need drugs or alcohol to help me with that. And that's not to say I didn't drink. I didn't do anything because
00:25:20
Speaker
Within like a year of being out here, I did fall into like a depression and I did get into alcohol. Like I did end up having a drinking problem. And I just remember going back home and I was talking to my grandma about this. She was just like, Michelle, you really need to be careful, you know? And I would just joke because I'm Irish and Scottish. And so people were like, oh man, you can like hold your liquor, you know? And most people were like, wait,
00:25:47
Speaker
what, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I'm like East LA drinking like tequila shots and like having fun. And they're like, what are you doing? I was like, it's perfectly fine. And they're like, wait, why are you over there? I was like, it's fine. I'm some cool guys. Yeah. So so I did have like my moments and but you know, those those are like learning experiences and realizing that I do have it in a
00:26:16
Speaker
an addictive personality. I have an addictive personality. And so just the experiences I had in high school, because I ended up having an eating disorder, I ended up felt harmony, and I almost had a drinking problem in high school, and I could have gotten into drugs, but
00:26:37
Speaker
It would have gotten known because it's a small town like people talk, especially I'm an older brother who like a lot of like my friends and they're like friends had siblings in the same grade as my brother.
00:26:49
Speaker
would get back. So it's like, oh my god, everything has to be like a secret. So it's like I had my moments where I completely was destructive. But it was like, I had to be secretive about it. I had to look perfect on the outside and like be fucked up on the inside, if that makes sense. So
00:27:10
Speaker
No, that makes so much sense. It makes so much sense, especially being the younger sibling and then seeing what your brother goes through and seeing it all around your town. You're seeing what alcoholism can turn into or is. It makes so much sense that it was almost like a coping mechanism that you took on to be the responsible one, to be the one who
00:27:32
Speaker
Yeah, just like doesn't go down the same path. Almost like you, I think almost like you take care of other people too. Or like you said, you know, like you feel like you were had to be the responsible one in the group. So it makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. I was always at some point, my mom ended up having to work in Seattle, like downtown. So she would get home late, and then my dad worked nights. So I would be the one who looked
00:27:57
Speaker
And then I was into baking, like that was kind of also like a stress reliever for me. Like I would just like blast music and like bake. And so I was always like baking and like my brother's friends would come over and be like, Oh my God, like, let me eat, like, let me eat this. Like we're gonna go to your house for this. So I did in a way always feel responsible for people even in my group, I was like the responsible one and
00:28:23
Speaker
Yeah, I just always felt like even my parents, my parents never actually said I needed to be responsible for them, but at a very young age, and this goes back to the inner child work, like I felt like I had to take care of them. Even though they never said anything, they never like did anything to me, I just always felt like an inner knowing of like, I need to take care of them. Like they seemed stressed because I was very aware at a young age and I would,
00:28:52
Speaker
pay attention, you know, kids, you're, you're meant to be selfish, you know, like you're supposed to be in your own feelings and not pay attention to anything. So my brother was always very like,
00:29:06
Speaker
into whatever he wanted. But I would pay attention to my parents' conversations. And this is something I didn't even tell my mom to tell, like, I think I was in college or older. She was like, really? You were listening to that? And I was like, I would listen to them talk about money. Like, I mean, kids in general are very intuitive, but I will listen to them talk about money. I will listen to them, like, talk about anything and everything. I mean, they were really good about not fighting in front of us. But I just
00:29:35
Speaker
could feel the anxiety around certain conversations. And anxiety wasn't even a word that was used growing up, but like now it's used more, but there was an anxiety and so I felt it. And so I was like, man, I can't ask for anything because they're like stressed about money. Like I need to take something off their plate. So I'm gonna be okay. Like that just became the norm.
00:30:02
Speaker
You know, my parents were just like, we don't have to worry about you, Michelle, because like, you're always okay. And that's something that I really had to work on in this past year or so of like, what does that mean to me? Because they didn't mean it like that. But they, and they really loved me and they tried their best. But any parent who has more than one kid, like you kind of have to choose a kid.
00:30:32
Speaker
and who to put first. And I kind of just saw that my brother needed more attention because of what he went through. So I kind of always, I put myself like at the very last, like I put myself at the bottom and I just was like, okay, I don't need them. Like I don't need them in that way. Like I love my parents.
00:31:01
Speaker
but I didn't need them that way and I needed to be okay for them. So it's almost like in a way I conditioned myself for that. I love that you talk about that too because so many people, I feel like when they're kids, like their parents,
00:31:22
Speaker
You don't have to have a really crazy upbringing where your parents are fighting or there's abuse. A lot of us just have normal childhoods where our parents did the best they could and it seemed very normal, but there were subtle things that we noticed, especially as being sensitive beings, being so intuitive. You have the undefined emotional solar plexus, so you're taking in and amplifying all of the feelings. When you're hearing their conversations about money, it's like you feel
00:31:48
Speaker
their stress. It's not just that you're like even conceptualizing it because you probably didn't even understand like money problems, but you were feeling like what they were feeling. And so that made you feel like not good. And so it's like, I feel like that's why me too having that undefined. It's like that also leads to so many people pleasing tendencies because it's like we don't like the feeling of being discomfort or like having other people
00:32:12
Speaker
have certain emotions. So it's like, we always want to be the harmonizer. And like you said, you're allowing them to give your brother attention and you'll just be here because you just want everything to just kind of be in harmony. And so it's like, your parents didn't do anything wrong. There was no abuse or neglect. And so often we think that
00:32:31
Speaker
like, Oh, I must not have any trauma or I must not be affected by how I grew up because my childhood seemed normal. But there are so many subtle things that we feel that it doesn't feel good. And so I love that you talked about that, because I think a lot of people can relate to that. Yeah, and I know a lot of people, because even my friends who have more than one sibling always felt, you know, like, one of them was a middle child, and I had that middle child syndrome, and
00:32:59
Speaker
people just always like felt left out or like not loved enough. And it's like, I always knew my parents loved me and they tried their best. Like even you said, they tried their best, but at some point I'm like, they're gonna have to choose between us. And so I'm gonna let them choose him. Like I'm not even gonna put myself in the equation. I'm gonna take myself out. So I kind of was always a loner
00:33:28
Speaker
in a sense. And I don't know if that has to do with my Scorpio moon. But like, I was very, yeah, I was very like emotionally alone. So yeah, that that just became something I was so used to. And, you know,
00:33:47
Speaker
Now, like everyone's talking about like Wednesday Addams. And I was like, oh man, growing up with the original one, I was like, I loved Wednesday Addams. I was like, I was not affectionate. I did not like talking about my problems, my emotions. I was like, I related to her so much. And it's, you don't even realize like the conditioning around that. Like there's little things that you don't think about that are conditioned. Like it's your family, your environment, you know, trauma that happened. Any little thing.
00:34:18
Speaker
could do it. And, you know, going back about my hometown, it's small. And it's not a terrible town. Like, it's idyllic, you know, to grow up in. But yeah, I was at a very young age. And I guess looking back, like, it was like my soul, my intuition that I cut off knew
00:34:41
Speaker
But it spoke through like, as soon as my parents told me when I was like nine or 10, like, you can be anything you want, you could go anywhere you want. I was like, okay, I'm leaving. I don't know, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm leaving. And they're like, oh, you want to leave us? I was like, yes.
00:34:58
Speaker
That's so funny. Oh my gosh.
Health Challenges and Spiritual Epiphanies
00:35:01
Speaker
Okay. So you go to FITM, you moved to LA. You're going to FITM. What comes next? What was it like graduating college? Did you have any struggles in that area? Was that difficult or how was that time in your life? Yes. It was literally as soon as I graduated college, I had issues with health.
00:35:28
Speaker
And I think it's like even in my human design chart that I could have health issues. I'm trying to think which one it is. But yeah, even when I was in college, I ended up getting like really sick. And with like some random virus that I guess you only get like once in a lifetime and
00:35:52
Speaker
So weird. I can't even spell it. But then as soon as I graduated college, I did an internship and some things happened. And for the first time in my life, I ended up having like migraines every day. And then I ended up having anxiety. Like I've kind of had anxiety throughout the years. Like, especially, you know, all teenagers kind of have anxiety, but I never really felt it like,
00:36:22
Speaker
that and I ended up having panic attacks like while I was driving like still to this day I kind of like don't really like to drive I mean I do but it like you know obviously there's cars going by you but as cars were going by me I was like oh my god am I gonna die like every car that drove my like man and I'd be like on the side going to like Long Beach from like downtown for this internship and I was like
00:36:51
Speaker
having a panic attack along the way. And I was like, I just have to get there. Like I have something to do. Like I ignore it again. This is me being conditioned and ignoring my intuition. So it's like ignoring everything that was going on around me. I was like, I just have to like do this internship. I have to work hard, follow this path. And then my migraines got so
00:37:15
Speaker
bad, so bad that I just couldn't do the internship anymore. And I just stopped. But once that anxiety was that like trauma was out of my life, they didn't go away. Like still to this day, I have migraines every day. But how they evolved is just so interesting, because I didn't think much about it back then. And, you know,
00:37:48
Speaker
My life became a rush list. You know, my main doctor for like eight years was a neurologist. And then, you know, that's like a whole other podcast episode talking about like dealing with doctors because that like created its own trauma. And people just like ignoring you and be like, Oh, like you're kind of a stupid girl is kind of how they played it off.
00:38:09
Speaker
And my neurologist still to this day was the only one who listened to me because everyone else was like, your weight is causing your migraines. I was like, I'm pretty sure that's not it. But like, I get I should, I should lose weight. And then I finally talked to my neurologist who was like, you lost like, almost 50 pounds. Did that help? I was like, well, I mean, I felt physically better. But my migraines like go away. She was like,
00:38:35
Speaker
that that that isn't it. I tried everything like under the sun to the point like people would text me be like, I saw this documentary about this person who gets like migraines and it was like from a tumor I thought of you and I was like, Oh, wow. I became that person that like weird things that could be explained. People thought of me. And so
00:39:00
Speaker
From that day forward, it's like I've had this extremely long journey with having health issues. And a lot of it is now can be traced back to trauma and like holding onto that trauma and like what it really means. And the part about it is like with my migraines, it actually messed with like my sketching ability.
00:39:25
Speaker
Like I used to be able to do like flat sketching by hand and then like on the computer, I couldn't do that. Like I couldn't really sketch very well after like a year or two, and then I couldn't stand computers. I've had to condition myself to deal with computer. Like looking at a computer screen makes me think like nauseous, but I've had to condition myself because I need a job or need jobs. So it's,
00:39:55
Speaker
It's just like one health issue after another. And then I ended up, I ended up having like a small like seizure when I was in the bathroom. Like I was taking a shower and I literally had such a painful migraine that like I blacked out in the shower. And that kind of gave me like a whole like epiphany of
00:40:19
Speaker
Like what am I doing with my life? Like what, I had to have been like 24, 25 at the time. And it's such a trippy experience. And I'm not saying people need to go out and have this experience, but I blacked out and I could feel myself like falling, like sliding down the wall. And at some point I couldn't breathe. Cause I was like directly under the water. Like I was drowning.
00:40:49
Speaker
And it was like a voice inside my head was like, Michelle, like open your eyes, like move. And I looked up and I was like, Oh my God. But for like probably five minutes straight, like I could only just kind of like get to the edge of the tub. I couldn't remember who I was. Like I didn't know where I was. Like looking around my bathroom, I was like, it was foreign.
00:41:14
Speaker
I was like, wow, it kind of gave me a new like perspective. Because at this point, I'd kind of like gone back into like a depression. And I just wasn't like grateful for anything. And so it gave me a perspective of like, life really is short, like shit, like, what is this? And then I talked to my neurologist and she was like, oh, it sounds like you have like a small seizure like in the in the bathroom. Luckily, I haven't had one since but
00:41:44
Speaker
That was just such a moment that I'll never forget because I was like, imagine not remembering who you are, like at the core and just like not knowing your surroundings. I was home alone too. So I was just in like such a days afterwards. I remember calling my friend and she was like, you need to call like 911 or something. I was like, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And that goes back to the conditioning of like, I always have to be fine. But I was like, no, no, I'm fine. Like I,
00:42:12
Speaker
like sat down for 30 minutes, I'm cool. And it was just, yeah, it was such a moment. And then going forward, you know, I was grateful. And then I kind of fell down into a spiral of like, it was like every other year of being depressed. And then like another health condition would happen. And then something else would happen. They'd be like, oh, now your migraines caused this. Then now your migraines caused this. And I was like,
00:42:41
Speaker
What the hell? And, you know, another time was one of the treatments because I took like over 30 different medications over the course of eight years. And at the time,
00:42:58
Speaker
They didn't have a lot of research. That was 22 when I started getting migraines. They did have like, they had zero research for young women in that age group. They were only doing testing and like getting statistics on like 50 and up. Like you were, were people of menopause. So I was taking medications that like at the time they didn't even have a medication for migraines directly. Now I think it's like three they have.
00:43:29
Speaker
But I was taking like anti-seizure medication. I was taking heart medication, blood pressure medication. At some point it's like dementia medication. Oh my goodness. What was that for? It's just because they did studies and found that it took away symptoms of migraines.
00:43:50
Speaker
The only reason why they, yeah, they would use all of these different medications because they found during like the research that it took away migraines for people. So they would use them as migraine medication. And, you know, and a lot of people take like multiple of it, like they'll take two to three medications. And there was at some point, because I will say in the beginning, I had a different neurologist and she was like, well, let's, let's
00:44:17
Speaker
go on a natural path. Let's see what we can do without the heavy medications. We looked at everything. Still to this day, we don't know what my exact trigger is. I know it was stress and anxiety. There was a traumatic event that caused it.
00:44:37
Speaker
We took out, I changed my laundry detergent. I changed my sheets. I changed perfume that I was using, stop wearing perfume. I tried everything. And then taking vitamins, all of that, nothing worked. And one of the treatments was magnesium through IV. And I just remember
00:45:04
Speaker
that being a moment because I showed up for it. And I don't know what I was expecting, but again, I think I was like 25 or so when this happened and everyone around me was getting treatment for something else, cancer, some kind of like illness. And I just remember sitting around looking at all these people and be like,
00:45:32
Speaker
okay, I have to be like grateful for the position I'm in because like I could be in their situation. And I remember the nurses like, oh wow, you're a young one. Like you're young like being in here. Like I love the youngest one. And yeah, it was just such a rounding moment where again, at that point I was just so sick of like all the testing. Like I literally,
00:46:03
Speaker
that used to have me my blood taken like every other week. I knew like what arm was the best to take blood from. Like it was just such an experience that I was just like so miserable. But then it was almost like a reminder of like, you could be so much worse off. And not to say that like my migraines and what I was going through didn't matter. But I did that for like maybe six months
00:46:32
Speaker
And just like going in there and seeing that was just like, it kind of reminded me of how precious life was. I was like, okay, Michelle, you can like get through this. This is gonna help you. And it didn't end up working out. But yeah, I was just, that was another experience that still stays with me. Wow, that is crazy. I also just wanna say that
00:47:02
Speaker
It's like you can't even minimize your experience compared to the people who have cancer because if some people have never experienced a migraine, they will never know the pain and the debilitating effects of a fucking migraine. I'm also prone to migraines. I do not get them like you every day. But when I get them, they are debilitating. And you're nauseous. You're sensitive to light. It's so hard to do anything. Like you said, look at the computer to drive.
00:47:30
Speaker
And so having migraines every single day is just insane. Like that is such a painful experience. And so like, yeah, I just want to say that because I know like, for example, my boyfriend's never experienced headaches, like he's never had one. And so he doesn't understand, like he just people who haven't had it, they don't understand the pain and what it actually does to you. And I think especially you having them every day, you probably really like, uh,
00:47:58
Speaker
you probably became so good at like hiding it towards other people or like trying not to make it such a big deal and like you said just kind of like living with it and trying to like move forward that it was I don't know do you feel like you had to do that like you had to try to just like okay I'm having this every day so I still have to function and you kind of just find a way to like go through life feeling like shit? Yes you said it perfectly and um
00:48:24
Speaker
And it's such a good thing that you said that not to minimize because that I will say that's something like being someone who has to be responsible and perfectionist, like, I will be like, Oh, well, I don't have it as bad as that other person, like, they had it way worse. So like, I should be grateful. That's something that I'm still like, accepting that like, it's okay to accept that I've been through a lot of shit. But yeah, it's, it's
00:48:50
Speaker
And it's not like anyone has ever made me feel like I had to. I felt like I had to, because like, I'm like, people don't want to hear that I feel like shit every day. You know, like, I was getting good at like, not saying, Oh, yeah, I'm good. Like when people would ask how I was doing, but then like,
00:49:07
Speaker
after like years of having migraines, it's like people really don't want to hear that like, I have a migraine right now and I really don't want to fucking talk to you. Like, you know, like I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want to, you know, it's just like worrying about like everyone else except myself because like, I'm so used to it. Like I have a very high pain tolerance. Like I have, I still have them every day, but like before,
00:49:34
Speaker
you know, 10 years ago, it would be like between an eight and a 10 because they go on a scale of one to 10 pain. It'd be like an eight to 10 pain. And now it's like four or five because I've gotten so used to them. They are the same, but I've gotten so used to them. And when they go up, I'm like, what is causing it? There's something like,
00:50:00
Speaker
I've had to really figure out what it all means. So yeah, when people ask like how I'm doing, it's like, I don't know, but what do I say? You know, it's just like, okay. Like luckily, you know, my roommate best friend, she knows me. So she's like, Oh, are you not feeling well? I was like, Oh, I have a migraine. And she just, she's like, okay. And leaves it at that. And she's like, Oh, she'll leave me alone. Or even friends who have been around like, Oh, I have a migraine. And they're like, Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay, we'll leave you.
00:50:28
Speaker
Um, the downside to it is that you kind of become very antisocial.
Path to Self-Empowerment and Healing
00:50:35
Speaker
Like again, whether it's like in my human design chart, being a Libra son, like I can go through my phases of like, I like to be around people and I like to socialize. I don't like being a big groups, but I like being around people and just like having conversation. Like I connect with people like that.
00:50:56
Speaker
And then I go through my moments where like, I need to be alone, which I actually have figured out this year that Libra's do need their alone time, like being a generator, I do need my alone time to like recharge. And that's something that I've accepted this year. I'm like, okay, it's, I don't have to be like on it for everyone. But I became very isolated. And it's, I isolated myself, but
00:51:23
Speaker
having migraines, and even just any kind of health condition, it's just very isolating. And it just made me very antisocial, because besides it messing up my sketching abilities and my work and career, I had to...
00:51:45
Speaker
really switched my career. Again, I was the person who had a life plan, and it completely did like a 180 on it. So I just had to take like whatever job I could get. And it's like, I just fell into the customer service. And it wasn't really what I wanted. But like, I was good at it. And I'm a, you know, as a friendly person, I was polite, I was approachable. So that was like a whole thing. And then just not talking to people a lot, because then it messed with
00:52:13
Speaker
Um, like you brought up like light sensitivity, um, talking to people, like my speech, even still today, it messes with my speech. Like I got very self-conscious about my speech because it also would actually affect my memory too. Like I could.
00:52:32
Speaker
Still to this day, I could like stop mid-sentence and forget what I'm saying or forget like a word. So I became very self-conscious and I just felt like I was stupid. And obviously I'm not stupid, but you just start to feel like no one wants to talk to me or no one will want to talk to me. So I'm not going to put myself in that situation. Granted, no one ever treated me terrible. Everyone's always been very like nice. Half the time they don't even notice when I
00:53:02
Speaker
stumble over my words, because they're doing it too. So I've learned like, obviously, we're more aware of ourselves than other people. But, you know, I just became very antisocial for a very long time. And it really wasn't until I started like DCI, Dartmouth Posting Institute, and had to like actually get into groups, like breakout rooms, and I was so self conscious at first. And then even like meeting with people and like,
00:53:30
Speaker
through other programs I've taken, like start to talk and use my voice and like, oh wow, it like feels good and I can talk to people and I'm not stupid and I'm not, you know, so it was like, it really was like this whole journey, this long time of just being to myself.
00:53:49
Speaker
Oh my goodness. It's crazy too because you also have the undefined throat and so me too and that can make us feel like we we like the words don't come out right like we sound stupid or like also just depending on like whose energy we're in it can just make us
00:54:07
Speaker
like feel like we don't know what we're saying, so I 100% like relate to that. And also before I joined DCI and like other programs I was in, I was so self-conscious to even be on video. Like before the pandemic and I had to start using video like for work, like Zoom calls and stuff, I never was someone who FaceTimed. Like everyone in my life like FaceTimed people and I was like
00:54:28
Speaker
why would you do that? I hated the sound of my voice. I hated looking at myself. Hearing any recording of myself was horrendous. I just think it's so cool the power of self-development work and healing through community and joining really cool programs like Dharma Coaching Institute and just being with like-minded people and seeing that it is safe and comfortable to be ourselves. It's like
00:54:52
Speaker
I don't know like when we talk I just love that you know we both went through Dharma Coaching Institute and then we connected more and the spiritual league community through Keeley's community which I'm so happy for. And it's like just talking with you feels so good that I would never think that you are someone who
00:55:08
Speaker
like used to not want to like you know not be in the mood to talk to other people or like you know wouldn't be confident or like would isolate yourself and I went through all of those same things too so it's just crazy how like these programs can really help us like evolve into like who
00:55:26
Speaker
we were as a child. It's like we're going back to kind of who we were as a child and like, you know, getting lit up again by like our soul's like path and stuff. So can you talk about like Dharma Coaching Institute and like, did you know that you wanted to be a coach or were you doing it more to find your purpose in the beginning? It's definitely more to find my purpose because I would say my self-love journey started at like 35, like 34, 35,
00:55:55
Speaker
because I was just at a job that was like, toxic. And I was just like, is this my life? I'm sure a lot of people have had that moment where you're just like looking around and you're like, is this my life? And I know for some people, like, loving their job isn't necessary, but I was just like, there's gotta be more to life. And before doing Dharma Coaching Institute, I was an IIN
00:56:25
Speaker
And I took a health coaching course there. And I joined that for migraines to learn about my health. I didn't want to be a coach at all. When he talked about it, I was like, no, not at all. But towards the end of it, you had to actually do group coaching and practice. And I was like,
00:56:49
Speaker
good to this. Like, I'm going to get at list needs for people. And then Sahar Rose was, I guess, teacher. And they had a module on Ayurveda. And I was like, never heard of it before. It was so interesting. And of course, like, there was a quiz she had where you can figure out if you were like, Bata pizza. And I was just
00:57:16
Speaker
Yeah, I was like, Oh, I love me a good quiz. And then I really loved her, her talk. So I like got her book, read about our beta, of course, people around you were like, what the hell are you and shoot out? Because, I mean,
00:57:31
Speaker
throughout my entire life, I've always kind of like jumped to different like subjects because I just love I'm a nerd. I love learning things. So I will just like read random shit. You know, like when I got my migraines and like was talking to my, to my neurologist, I started reading like neurology.
00:57:49
Speaker
like I had to like look up every other word because I was like what is this word but like I read like health journals and was like trying to figure stuff out so it's just like I'm always like reading something like totally all the other like spectrum of what I'm like into so um yeah I started like reading her stuff like then she came out with her book like just February of Dharma
00:58:19
Speaker
And I was like, holy shit, I'm feeling like I'm meant for more. And I know a lot of people have those epiphanines and then whatever. It's like, I had been hearing that probably since I turned 30 that I was meant for more. And then even going back to childhood, I knew when I was really young that I was like, I'm meant for more than this town. I'm meant for more than this.
00:58:48
Speaker
But people thought I was being stuck up when I said that. But I was like, no, something is guiding me that I meant for more. But I lost all that intuition and stuff. And then reading her book, and then she came out with a 21-day course that I was like, no, I'm really meant for more. Over the years, my voice in this getting louder about it
00:59:18
Speaker
And I was just like, okay, I want to help people, but that's so generic, right? You want to help people. But when the DCI started, I was so excited because it was like, I ended up kind of being really into whatever Sahara Rose like talked about.
00:59:37
Speaker
and not to like fan girl on her but it was like she really was like into music and I was into music and another thing with my migraines because I had them like I would get migraines like worse from like listening to music because it's like noised so I actually like really just connected from music for a long time like I didn't look up like new artists I barely listened to the radio
01:00:03
Speaker
it was just like radio silent when it came to music but then she came back like music came back into my life and she like reintroduced it she was just like into like the 90s rap like you know early 2000s and that music I'm like okay I graduated in 2003 so it's like oh man she listens to like all my music
01:00:26
Speaker
dancing. I was like really into dancing like I'm not good at dancing but I really expressed myself when I was younger through like dancing and like in my room by myself like no one knew about it but there was just all these things that like I really resonated with what she said and then when she talked about you know family trauma and like ancestral like healing I was like what what is that like there's just all these little introductions of things and
01:00:54
Speaker
Yeah, I just, I took her, her 21 day course was like, that's cool. And then when she announced that she was doing the school, I was like, I want in, like, I don't know what it's about, but I want in. And again, I did it, not necessarily thinking I was going to be a coach. After like maybe a month, I was like, okay, let me like create a plan of like what I'm going to do. So again, I had this plan of what I was going to do. And it's like, I'm going to be a coach.
01:01:25
Speaker
like, fuck my job, whatever. It didn't work out like that. You know, you know, this was like during the pandemic. And I joked with like my coworkers, I was like, shoot.
01:01:44
Speaker
I'm not gonna come out of this pandemic with like five, but like I just, I realized that I loved learning. Like I stopped like reading a lot. I stopped just doing a lot of things because of my migraines. And I realized that it was a part of my mental health, like learning, taking courses, like personal development. And I really enjoyed it. But, you know, you get into like one,
01:02:11
Speaker
thing and then you're introduced to another and then another because there's so many different modalities but I was like that's interesting okay let me take that course oh that's interesting let me take that course so I ended up like signing up for multiple courses at the same time as DCI and so I was still like working like 10 hour days and then I had homework after and
01:02:36
Speaker
It was more of like I was spending so much time keeping up with it that like I didn't really get to like dive into it. Like really like live each teaching and like think about it. I loved it all, but I just wasn't as connected to it as I wanted to be. And I didn't really like, I didn't make any friends cause I was in like the first cohort. I didn't make any friends.
01:03:05
Speaker
I was just, again, I felt very self-conscious and I was just like, shit, all these people are like showing up and like doing this and I can't like, I have to work at these times of like the calls and like, I can't do the group. You know, I end up, thankfully, I ended up being assigned to coach Fran for like the
01:03:29
Speaker
separate coaching circles. So it was like at seven in the morning my time and I think it was like later for her because she was in Costa Rica. But thankfully I got assigned to that because she just had such like compassion and grace and really held space for us. And it was really doing that program. I had such a like safe experience.
01:03:59
Speaker
even though I put a lot of pressure on myself, it was the first time I'd really been in a program where everyone was there to make the world better. And I just felt like, man, I'm a part of something special. And granted as all three co-founders had such a great message and had their own personal stories, but really they created something so special that
01:04:28
Speaker
Like we all want to make the world better. Like we were all taking the action to make it better, be better like for ourselves and finding like healing because a lot of people just find healing doing this. And I, I would say take the course or take not even specifically DCI, but
01:04:52
Speaker
take any course just for the personal development, even if it's just like a coaching course for like finding a different career, because in every course that I've taken, the self development part is like, it's worth the most. You know, it's like, you have to go in deep and you really have to start healing and do the work.
01:05:21
Speaker
And it's hard, it is very, very hard. But feeling ourselves like for us simply is gonna make the world better in itself. And I really, really am grateful for the experience. So then after DCI, I ended up kind of just like getting lost in different courses and then not feeling like
01:05:51
Speaker
I was good enough for it. Like I had that imposter syndrome and then like the limiting beliefs of not being good enough that I've had since, you know, childhood. And I kind of was just like lost within these different courses. Cause then I was like, okay, on one hand I love learning this, but then on the other hand, I was kind of like distracting myself. Like, how can I fix myself with these courses? Like, how can I, you know, how can I like,
01:06:21
Speaker
figure out what I want to be and who I want to be. And I was almost searching in these courses, which I don't regret any of them, but I was searching for them to tell me who to be. And man, if no one has ever been on like a spiritual awakening, it's like you really can't force anything. You know, there's
01:06:46
Speaker
There's like that quote, like, you want to make God laugh, like tell him your plans because, you know, there's just, you can't, you can't plan everything. Like still to this day, I try to plan everything and it doesn't work out. I'm sure there's like a version of you, if you want to make the universe laugh, tell him your plans. But, um, yeah, so I just, I've gone on this journey of like, okay, I really need to just accept myself.
01:07:17
Speaker
for myself. And, you know, that's part of the self love journey is accepting yourself and also forgiving. Oh, that's a big one. Like, forgiving yourself for everything. It's like, when you look back, you know, because again, I was like, 34 35. I've been through a lot of shit. And looking back, I was like, I did a lot of shit to myself.
01:07:42
Speaker
Like I literally had so much like self-esteem issue. I had negative self-talk. Like I was that person that like even just just being at work, I would mess something up and be like, shit, Michelle, like you're so stupid. Like how the fuck could you mess that up? Like, okay, fix it, fix it. And.
01:08:09
Speaker
man, I just I really had to become aware of what I was saying to myself because when I actually became aware and then paid attention to what I was saying to myself, I was like, man, I say so many negative things to myself, like 100 to like 200 times a day. Like, who does that? And, you know, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. But
01:08:34
Speaker
Yeah, I was just like, you're so stupid, like the fuck like you're never like this is why you're stuck where you are. Like anything you can think of I said to myself. And really just being aware of that first was like the first step, like becoming aware of it and then actually like
01:08:57
Speaker
documenting it. Like I actually just like documented it for like a few days and was just like, shit, what did I say to myself? And like, this is how many times and then like just stopping it. I wasn't like obsessed with like, okay, you need to tell myself one nice thing because at that point I was like, I can't think of anything nice to say about myself. Like that's how far
01:09:20
Speaker
like gone, I was like, that's how much like I hated myself. And I just started with like, let's just stop the negative talk.
01:09:29
Speaker
And then after a while of doing that, then I would be like, okay, find one nice thing to say, or how can you reframe this? When you want to say to yourself, like you fucked up, how can you reframe that? And so I started reframing it like, okay, well, you were in a hurry and you have like 20 things you were told to do at once. Of course you're going to mess up and that is us. So, you know, it,
01:09:55
Speaker
it didn't always work, but you know, it's just starting with like very simple things and forgiving myself for that because then I judged myself for doing that to myself for so long. And yeah, that's probably like the biggest release of all is forgiving yourself and giving yourself like compassion and grace. Cause I think that's, that's really the hardest thing for us to do as humans. Like,
01:10:24
Speaker
We can give people compassion all day long. You know, we can give it freely for people and have empathy and have that. But for ourselves, I mean, most of us are, you know, they say we are our own worst critics like we are. And you really have to let that go. And, you know, it's not easy. You know, I still have my days, but
01:10:53
Speaker
Having compassion for yourself is such a gift for yourself, you know, if anything. Oh my god, I love all of that so much and I love how it's like...
01:11:09
Speaker
I also have someone who loves taking 1,000 courses and doing all the programs. And I thought that when I took DCI, that was going to be the thing. And then I was going to become a coach and leave my job, like you said, and start this business. And I realized that. We talked about this in a different time that DCI was really just the catalyst for us. And now we're on this. Now we see that it's not just this thing. It's not a program that's going to fix us, or we're not just going to get everything solved from this
01:11:37
Speaker
certification but it's like we just both really freaking love learning and so just like having that awareness that like we're going to be lifelong learners we're just getting all of these tools and there's not really anywhere that we're like arriving to it's kind of just like their journey of us just like unfolding and like learning who we are at the soul level and I love so much what you said about like
01:11:58
Speaker
having the awareness because it's like we can learn all of these different tools, like meditation and all of these different things. But if we're not even aware of how we're talking to ourselves, I think everyone can relate to negative self-talk. It's so ingrained in us. I totally agree. Myself is the worst critic. No one else is talking to us or telling us that our dreams can't be true. Maybe some people do have unsupportive parents or unsupportive partners, but
01:12:25
Speaker
we're really the ones in our mind that are limiting ourselves from
01:12:30
Speaker
being a leader or stepping into our dreams. It's literally just ourselves. So I love what you said about having awareness and then having compassion and forgiveness because you're so right. It's like once you start realizing how you talk to yourself or realize like, oh, I'm the reason I'm at where I'm at, it's so easy to get judgmental on ourselves. But then to just be like, oh, it's OK. I wouldn't talk to anybody else like that. Or even just seeing ourselves as a little girl. It's like we wouldn't talk to ourselves like that.
01:12:57
Speaker
we would have so much more compassion. So I love that so much of having the compassion. And for you, where do you feel like things are moving? Where do you feel the most excited about right now in life? What do you feel lit up about? Where do you feel like you are stepping into? That's a good question.
01:13:24
Speaker
I would say like getting back to the little Michelle who had her intuition. You know, I went to the highest self weekend back in June. And it was such a good experience because it touched on your inner child and then teenage rage. So I'm like, well, my teenage rage like had a lot she kept in.
01:13:47
Speaker
But that intuition, because again, I was someone who ignored my intuition for so long. I led with my head instead of my heart from
01:14:00
Speaker
you know, my inner being for so long, I like lived with like, I gotta be logic, like, again, I went to school for fashion design, like I'm a creative person at the heart. And it's something I've connected, like reconnected to in the past like year or so. But like, I lived in this logical side of like this logical part that's like, no, you got to do this, you got to do this, and you got to do this, like, you got to earn your spot, like,
01:14:28
Speaker
on this planet, you got to like work hard, you got to do this, you got to earn because obsessed with like earning stuff because I like felt like I had to contribute something or you know, my parents favorite things telling us grown up was like, Oh, if you work hard, you can get whatever you want.
01:14:49
Speaker
I still think that's true to this day. But like, I took it as like, well, if you don't work hard, you don't deserve anything. So it's really like, you conditioning all of that and you know, the conditioning that a lot of generators have around like that, that work, like we are like worker bees, we love like to work like I can imagine like not working, you know?
01:15:17
Speaker
Like, you know, you just like, if I have a day off, I'm like, this is just so weird. Wait, what do I do? But you just get so obsessed with like that conditioning of like, I got to work, work, work, work, work, even if, you know, we're so conditioned to like, not like our job.
01:15:38
Speaker
you gotta keep working. Obviously you need to pay bills, but you don't give two thoughts about not liking your job. What is that actually doing to you? And I really didn't understand the human design aspects. DCI introduced me to it, but I had so many different things I was learning that I forgot. I was like, oh, I'll go back to this and learn about it. And I really think it was
01:16:02
Speaker
you brought it up in like, soul and strategy class that I was like, oh, human design. Oh, I'm loving like her vibe, when she's talking about it, like, let me look at my chart again. Like, just learning how generators are conditioned, that I was like, holy shit, what? Like,
01:16:22
Speaker
I'm not fired up about this. I can actually be fired up about something. That's what I'm here to do. I was like, what's the state role? What? Even after learning about that in the chakra system, I was just so conditioned that I was just like, oh, I can never be fixed.
01:16:51
Speaker
I can't be happy with it, but little by little, be conditioning that and learning to listen to my intuition. And it all really started with, when I got the email that Sahar Rose was doing the DCIOs, I was like, yes. Now I can look back and be like, oh, that was my sacral talking to me.
01:17:15
Speaker
I got it and I was like, yes, that's an automatic yes. Like, I don't know how I'm going to pay for it, but like, I want this. And then because a few people had explained like, oh, when you're like lit up, you like your noises or like might be a noise or you like, you feel something. I was like, I don't, I don't feel that. And they're like, oh, well, maybe you, you can,
01:17:41
Speaker
you know, dig deeper. And so I was like, what does that mean? And so it was this voice, like really teeny tiny voice deep down that was like more like whispering. And then as I like practice this and it started listening to me and she was just started with getting oracle decks and pulling a card from my stuff. It's like every day.
01:18:10
Speaker
I didn't know what I was supposed to be. I didn't know what it meant. I just hate on it. And louder and louder at my intuition. I was like, who is that? What? What is that? And
01:18:40
Speaker
man, it's been such a journey, like reconnecting with my intuition. Like it's, it's a beautiful process for anyone who feels like they're just connected or even going on their own journey to reconnect with the intuition. I know so many people who they're like, Oh, I've always been connected to my intuition. I'm like, well, shit. Like I'm so behind, but you know, at the end of the day, it's, it's not a race. Like we all have our own journey with it and you know,
01:19:13
Speaker
been more open to the process and then more open to the spirituality.
Connecting with Ancestral Wisdom
01:19:21
Speaker
And then, like you said, when we were talking about spiritual awakening, DCI was our intro class to it. And then now, ever since then, I just had more and more and more situations that come up where I'm like, have I lost faith in myself? OK, what is this? OK, cool. That's a sign.
01:19:31
Speaker
I just love learning that.
01:19:40
Speaker
and took me on to like a course that actually took a course for self love because I was like, I felt like that was the thing that was missing. So that's something that I feel very, you know, pulled to to talk about. So I took a course on self love. And it was just
01:20:01
Speaker
It was another special course that really connected me with like rituals. Like I didn't know what rituals really were until this course and how it could be sacred in creating that for myself. So really with this passion, like literally a year ago, I was like, I feel I'm pulled to do like rituals all the time. Oh, like Oracle readings are a ritual? What?
01:20:31
Speaker
Um, yeah, I've just been on this, this journey of surrendering because again, I've tried to like force every step of the way of like, okay, figured this out. Like, is this my path? Oh, no, no, no, that's not it. Okay. Is this my purpose? Oh, no, no, that's not it. And when I feel like, oh, and I think you've talked about this before in a podcast episode, but like when you, when you're first starting on like a path to figuring out your purpose.
01:21:01
Speaker
your purpose, you, you think your career, it's like, it's going to catapult you to like, this whole big experience. And your purpose doesn't necessarily mean it is your career. Because you go through it, you do kind of realize like, man, my purpose, my purpose,
01:21:31
Speaker
be me. It's like be me live here to be. And with the last few months, I've really like gone deep. And then I've had such like a rough bottom moment that I've gone deep and I'm like, I made a contract to come here to heal. Like that is my purpose in this lifetime. And through
01:21:57
Speaker
through the self-love course, I ended up getting trained to be a Holy Reiki fire level one and two. And we did this initiation ceremony. And it was like, so intense, like so crazy. Again, if you had told me this was going to happen five years ago, it would have been like, you are high. But
01:22:21
Speaker
The ceremony was so special that like, it's like it opened up like a portal to like, I saw my ancestors, like my female ancestors, I saw the female past lives, I connected to my highest self, and I saw people that had passed away, like loved ones that are no longer here. And now to this day, I can actually call them in whenever I need them, like they are
01:22:48
Speaker
part of my purpose. Like, I've actually had past life regressions where I've actually seen it lit up like a map of the world. I've seen it lit up where like all my past lives were. So I've had like 100 or more past lives. And it's like, all of it is like an integration in this life to learn because I had so much taken away from me. I've had so many things happen to me in this past life. And then even in this life, and ancestral
01:23:19
Speaker
trauma and all that, that like, they are here to help guide me to heal. And by healing, my mission is to heal and by healing, it's going to help other people heal like by using my voice, you know, being on podcasts like this and starting my own podcast, which will be soon. It's, it's going to create like a
01:23:42
Speaker
a greater like effects, you know, a ripple effects of we're all heal, we are all here to heal. And, you know, love ourselves, like, live, live to our fullest and really just accept that, you know, we are our own soulmate, like, first and foremost, because in this life, I've lived for other people, and past lives, I've lived for other people. It's
01:24:11
Speaker
It's insane. So right now I'm being called to really just surrender, like quit trying to figure it out. Like don't take any more courses. Even, you know, for personal growth, like quit that. Quit trying to like figure out what I'm supposed to do because I've had so many epiphanies with like my spiritual journey. And especially, you know, we've talked about this with the reading you gave
01:24:38
Speaker
on my birthday for like jinkies was just so amazing that I've had so many synchronicities like pop up since then I'm like oh my god I'm like I hope I'm not bothering her too much if I tell her this
01:24:54
Speaker
I love it. No, and even I got chills when you're talking right now and talking about the ceremony you're in and like seeing your ancestors because I forget what Jean Key it is. I wish I hadn't pulled up so we can like reference it, but I know a part of your Jean Keys. There was one where like you are so connected to your ancestors and like you are here to like literally help heal the world and to like see what's like
01:25:17
Speaker
not necessary anymore and like create new ways from it. So you are someone who's highly connected to your intuition and you have all of these gifts and like it's just like it's so cool. It's so cool to it's so cool for you to like have these personal experiences and then when we can actually look at like your gene keys or your human design and like it's in the blueprint of your soul it's like
01:25:41
Speaker
Holy shit, it just makes it so much more exciting for me too as someone who's obsessed with these systems because it's like, you cannot make this up. Even when you're telling me how, I love this so much when you're telling me how, you went back and looked at the ebook and saw the name of the gene key and then you looked it up and read it from the source material and had a literal visceral experience and we were talking about how we have the same thing where it's like,
01:26:06
Speaker
it's almost like everything stops and you said it's like everything like rushes to your head and like it's like for me everything kind of stops around me and it's like this out of body knowing that I'm like holy shit like this resonates so much and everything starts to make sense it's like I can see all of these things from my past coming together to this one moment that's like confirming this gene key and I'm like
01:26:26
Speaker
Wow, this is fucking crazy. And that is literally our genes upgrading, because it's like, as we understand the wisdom of the gene keys, and like, we're able to understand our shadow, accept it, and then we're able to step into the gift and then, excuse me, and then the city frequency, it's like,
01:26:45
Speaker
We learn about it by reading the book or having a reading, but then it's in our real life later on in the weeks or months and years where we have these experiences and we're like, oh my God, this makes so much sense. And then our DNA is literally upgrading. And it's like once we're upgrading, we don't go back. We just keep upgrading. So I just thought that was so cool.
01:27:06
Speaker
Yeah, well, and it's like during my reading, I had so many like moments where I was like, totally resonate with that. So yeah, yep, that's neat. Yep. Like, I'm totally like the shadow aspect of the jinkies at the moment.
01:27:21
Speaker
And just having that reading and learning, okay, I'm not fucked up. There's nothing wrong with me. That's a shadow that I'm stuck in. And by doing this and being aware of it is like, man, it's so powerful because I didn't really, I loved all of it, but when we went over, it's Gate 61, the Holy of Holies. And I was like, oh, that's cool.
Creativity and Spiritual Community
01:27:49
Speaker
But then literally it was like,
01:27:51
Speaker
The next day, the two days later, I was eating my breakfast before going to work. And I just was like, let me look up this PDF. And I was like, oh, it's really pretty. And I love it. And I was drawn to, like, scrolling. And I was drawn to the page where I talked about it. And I was like, is it again? And I was like, oh, thank you. Like, Holi and Holi's in a sanctity. And I literally just got the urge to Google it and I said,
01:28:21
Speaker
creativity. There was like some quote like basically creativity is what's gonna help heal mass psychosis because psychosis was the was the shadow and I was like what the fuck? It was like and I just accepted that like I'm a creative person again and reconnected with that and I'm like love everything creative no it's like what?
01:28:43
Speaker
And like, I just kept reading more about it. And I was like, you know, and at first I was like, what distinct does he even mean? And they're like, Oh, sacred. And I was like, Oh, I've been like really into my spirituality and sacred practices. And I was like, I'm really drawn to like, great rituals for people. I don't know what that means. And I was just like, Holy shit. Just had this with me. I was like, it's all coming together. It's literally written in my DNA that
01:29:12
Speaker
it's spiritual. And like, there's a sacredness. And, you know, a few years ago, I never even use the word sacred, like, never used it before. Same with like, embodiment, like, there's certain words that I never used, like, three years ago. And these words I'm like, I have such a connection to now. And it's like, by living in our fullest expression, like being ourselves. And
01:29:41
Speaker
Not trying to put myself in a box, because that's something that I never wanted to put myself in a box, but I had to survive. That was survival mode back in my hometown. And then even once I started getting migraines, I just had to put myself in a box. And I had promised myself when I graduated high school and moved here, I was like, I'm never going to settle.
01:30:04
Speaker
I'm not going to settle in life. I'm not going to settle in relationships, friendships. I'm not going to settle. And I felt like I really had to settle when I got migraines and just started having all of these health issues. And it went to an autoimmune disease. And then it went to more recently fibromyalgia. And it's just this craziness of health issues that I'm not saying
01:30:33
Speaker
doctors and our health system can't like help or fix anything. But like, when you really look at the underlying issues, like when I've really looked deep into it, a lot of it comes from trauma, comes from stress, comes from everything that's like being like we hold on to when it's like mentally, emotionally, physically, I'm like all three of those. You know, again,
01:31:02
Speaker
not talking about my emote. But I can talk about everyone else's feelings. But and I'm an open book if you ask me a question, but I've had to really uncomfortable, which is something I never really did until
01:31:24
Speaker
going on this spiritual path. Cause you know, you kind of talk about your feelings all the time in the spiritual community. And I was just like, what is this? You know, it's like being in that, being in that uncomfortable in this, but then like, man, when you are in the spiritual community and like you brought up Healy in the spiritual leap community, it's such a safe place to talk about your feelings where like there's things I've said in the community that I'm like, people would think I'm crazy.
01:31:54
Speaker
world. Like, oh, I resonate with that. And that's something that about that's like written, I really love community and like connecting with people. And it's such, yeah, it's such a special way of when you can find like your people,
01:32:22
Speaker
And the crazy thing is, is that I did an Akashic reading like, I don't know, probably almost a year ago now. And it took me to a place like out of body experience where I was like in a room full of like maybe like 50 people, like a hundred people. And I just knew that,
01:32:51
Speaker
It was like the DCI community. So that's crazy. Like the spiritual community in here, like we reincarnated at the same time to help each other. So it's yeah, I love it.
01:33:09
Speaker
That's crazy. I've had an experience like that too in Akashic Records reading where it was like I saw myself in a past life with all these women. It's happened in multiple different readings and different modalities where they see me in a community of women and it's like we're all coming together and sharing our gifts and we're communing and sharing our wisdom and building each other up.
01:33:31
Speaker
So I just also really love the communities that we're a part of because we're able to just be our fullest self. And like you said, express our weirdness or the things that maybe the average person might think is weird. It's like we all have that in common. So it's just been so fun to find our tribe and our minded people in real life. It's really cool. Yeah.
01:33:55
Speaker
I thought I found like my friends, like my first group of friends. And it's, it's, I realized that like, I can have those group of friends and those people. Cause I'm someone who's like very loyal. I love having like a small group of friends and like, they're like family to me. Like I joke about.
01:34:18
Speaker
having like a lot of soulmates, like through friendships, because I feel connected to people. And I was like, that makes sense too, now through like, like, I know I've had past lives with other people within the community, you know, and or like, just feel a pull to people. And I'm like, huh, that's interesting. And yeah, it's just, I feel like it's a
01:34:50
Speaker
special thing when you come back and find people too different but you know of course I have like my best friends and my family and like their support but it's just like when you're dealing with trauma or it's just like digging deep to like what do I really want it's it's such a difficult
01:35:20
Speaker
thing. Like, it's not just one answer. You know, at least I found it wasn't one answer for me, it was multiple things. And then that change, like, it changes. It's not like, oh, well, I figured out that I want to be a coach. And this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. And I'm like, no, because when I went off to college, I was like,
01:35:40
Speaker
Do I want to be a choreographer besides being a fashion major? And do I want to be like, I want to be a music producer. But at the time, they're like, well, you can't be all those things. Now we live in a time where you can be all those things. Like, shit, you can have 20 different degrees, but you can just have so many passions.
Spiritual Awakening and New Beginnings
01:36:10
Speaker
and do it all. There's no limits. I needed life to be projectable. And now I'm like finding where to be. Going to
01:36:40
Speaker
through my journey with my house this past summer, so hard, like through a void. Like I went to need aid and you know, or some people call it dark night of the soul. It's
01:37:01
Speaker
Like, it was almost mean I had to go just surrendering and having faith, which is something that I actually like lost, lost, like before the summer hit. I was like, I lost faith in myself. I couldn't surrender. Like every aspect, like in my life, like courses, teachers, or like Instagram posts were like, you gotta surrender. And I was like, I can't surrender. I need to have control. And, you know, it's ever since I've
01:37:42
Speaker
Since I started doing that, I've had more and more late.
01:37:57
Speaker
Spiritual the earth is my okay. This is what it's meant to be. Okay. I'm not to do this. Okay, sorry came to Kind of fix yourself with these courses quit using these courses to let so use your life for which for some you know, and I've had I've had many
01:38:24
Speaker
synchronicities with like numerology, because I think I shared it in the community. I was like, if you can draw the numerology, even though I said I wasn't gonna like sign up for anything, but just different like free master classes and stuff I've taken where there are certain parts of numerology that pointed out that like, I might be on like, my last reincarnation, like this might be my last life or like, one of the last ones. So I really am here to like,
01:38:53
Speaker
do my shit. Like, I need to like, live my fullest, like self. And also like, because I'm 38. So I keep getting a lot of like, your time is going to come when you're like 40. So I'm like, oh shit, I used to like dread turning 40. So now I'm like, what's going to happen when I turn 40? So like, am I gonna like find like a soulmate? Or am I gonna like, what? So
01:39:23
Speaker
It's my biggest lesson in the past six months has just been to surrender and have faith and listen to my intuition because when I was going through my thing in the summer, I just stopped everything. Like I quit life and I was like, I didn't, I used to do like new moon and full moon ceremonies. I used to meditate like with like my spirits all the time and my past lives. I stopped all of that.
01:39:52
Speaker
you know, my birthday's in October. So like literally, the first or second day of October, I just got this feeling of like, okay, I think it's time to like get back into this. And I just felt like a calmness, like got back into the rituals and like connected to my high self who was like, girl, it's about time you came back. Come on now. Like, you could have been here and you could have had our help this whole time. But and then
01:40:20
Speaker
It was even more eye-opening having the reading done because it was just like afterwards I just felt like this sense of calmness that like I've never felt before, you know.
01:40:35
Speaker
I still tend to have to like be in control of everything and trying to figure things out and have the answer. You know, like, I think even on a conversation about manifesting, I was like, man, you know, one of the biggest things they tell you manifesting is don't try to figure out the end result. I'm like, I gotta know. I gotta know what are the steps you get it. And, you know, it's like, it's just like surrendering and letting go and knowing like you are
01:41:04
Speaker
you are where you need to be. And it means something different for everyone, but I was meant to go through this to have compassion. At least I feel like I was meant to go through all the things that I've gone through so that I could have compassion and empathy and be able to connect with people and talk about it.
01:41:26
Speaker
even give someone else a voice. That's what I'm most excited about too with doing my own podcast is tell all of my different stories and then give the space for other people to tell their stories because it's just so powerful. Even just doing this podcast episode is
01:41:51
Speaker
So connecting, you know, like obviously vibe, but like we always have great conversations, whether it's like we're talking face-to-face or messaging. And it's that connection that I think keeps all of us, you know, in this like circle of healing. It's just, it's so healing having connection with people. And yeah, I'm excited for what else is to come.
01:42:18
Speaker
Oh my god, I love that so much. I feel like that was like such a good way to like wrap it up, especially like, like I like to ask you like, Oh, like what is like your bio or like, how can I describe you? And it's literally that you feel like you're here to like heal yourself and share your voice to heal others. And it's like, that's literally what you just said. And it like wraps up so perfectly.
01:42:41
Speaker
your journey and where you're continuing to go and all of the beautiful things that you're going to create. I'm so excited for you to create your podcast. I'm so freaking excited to hear all the stories and to just hear all of the amazing guests that you have on there. It's so exciting and thank you so much for being here today and being so open and honest. I feel like I could talk to you forever. I feel like we could turn this into a five-hour episode, but we have to wrap it up, but this has been so fun.
01:43:11
Speaker
Oh my god I'm so happy and I feel so honored that you did this with me because like I said besides George who's like my own boyfriend you're the first person I actually got to like have as a guest and like do this process and it just felt so warm and like good and you're so transparent open so thank you so so much and um where can everyone find you like are you on Instagram or where can people find you?
01:43:34
Speaker
Yes, they come by me at Ms. Neesh Neesh, which is M-I-S-S-M-E-E-S-H-M-I-C-H-E. And right now I'm like literally in the middle of creating my website and I recorded some episodes for my podcast. And yeah, you're gonna see more of me because I've been like a recluse, I've been a hermit. I've been a hermit.
01:44:04
Speaker
Yeah, I've been a hermit with social media, but I feel this new energy to put myself out there. And yeah, it'll be so much fun. So yeah, thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I feel honored that you even wanted me on here, and I hope to have you on my podcast.
01:44:25
Speaker
Yes. Oh my God. I'm so excited. Yay. Okay. Well, thank you so much. Thank you everybody for listening. I'm sure you're going to take away so many different gems from this episode. It was so good. And I'll see you guys next week. Thank you so much for being here and listening beauty. If you enjoyed this episode, please be sure to leave a review.
01:44:49
Speaker
and share the episode with a friend who you know will love it. We can connect further on Instagram at I am Alyssa May, so come say hello, leave a comment of your favorite takeaway on my most recent post, and I cannot wait to connect. Thank you so much, and I will see you next time.