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The FDS Handbook: Confidence as the Cornerstone of High-Value Womanhood
65 Plays1 year ago
The queens explore why self-assurance is non-negotiable for any high-value woman navigating the dating world and life at large.
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Transcript
Introduction to FDS and Hosts
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only dating podcast on the internet.
00:00:04
Speaker
I am Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I am Rose.
00:00:07
Speaker
And I'm so happy to be back here with Diana because today we're taking it back to the basics.
00:00:11
Speaker
In other words, we are taking it back to what started it all, the FDS handbook.
00:00:18
Speaker
Diana, do you recall when you first stumbled across the handbook?
00:00:22
Speaker
So I was on the page for a while before I even knew that there was a handbook.
00:00:26
Speaker
I think the handbook came afterwards.
00:00:27
Speaker
Like, I don't know at what point it came about.
00:00:29
Speaker
They compiled it after.
00:00:31
Speaker
They compiled it in the course of the subreddit becoming popular.
00:00:35
Speaker
Yeah, so I think the first time I came across it is when I started listening to the podcast, and I realized that they had a forum, and then I think they published it on the forum.
00:00:42
Speaker
And so I have a copy of it on my Kindle that I keep on at all times in the off chance that I slack.
00:00:48
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:00:48
Speaker
It's like my Bible, I go back and I reread
Undoing Patriarchal Conditioning
00:00:51
Speaker
it.
00:00:51
Speaker
And I'm like, you know, chapter one, don't sit up for a scrot.
00:00:56
Speaker
I go back and read the scripture.
00:00:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:00:59
Speaker
Yeah, I really think it's important because again, like what were we talking about before is how much unschooling there is as women under patriarchy.
00:01:07
Speaker
So this whole inveterate people pleasing that we all seem to suffer from, where it will please everybody and anybody except for ourselves, that is conditioning, that is brainwashing.
00:01:19
Speaker
And in order to unschool ourselves in that manner, it takes more than just one time reading something or one time deeply meditating on it.
00:01:27
Speaker
I would argue for many of us, it will take a lifetime of consistent mindfulness.
00:01:32
Speaker
And so the handbook exists as sort of a symbol and a tangible object that we can touch sort of a talisman that we can go back to again and again, to remind ourselves to be heartened, to be refocused, to recenter all of the things that we need to do in order to find the quality of relationships that we deserve.
00:01:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:01:52
Speaker
And I think that, you know, sometimes I pop in on the forum from not the Reddit one, but like the other one that we have every now and then.
00:01:59
Speaker
And like some of the comments and the posts that I see, I'm just like 95% of the time I answered every single one of those with like, go and read the handbook.
00:02:07
Speaker
Like,
00:02:07
Speaker
I think that, you know, instead of asking the same questions over and over again, understand that the reason the handbook was compiled was because we got all this wisdom from all these women compiled over like a year or two.
00:02:18
Speaker
And we put everything together.
00:02:19
Speaker
And like, there's nothing more to be said about this.
00:02:21
Speaker
Okay, if you want to go out there and keep making mistakes and learn the experiential way, by all means, you do you, but you're going to wind up having to go back and read the handbook anyway.
00:02:29
Speaker
So just cut to the chase and do it, you know?
00:02:32
Speaker
So we're here to help you avoid having to make the same mistakes over and over again.
00:02:36
Speaker
Like, you know, I'm very different with how I give advice to under 25 women, just because I feel like for some of them, before your brain is fully formed and your prefrontal cortex is completely developed, you just don't get it.
00:02:47
Speaker
And you're just going to have to learn the hard way a little bit by dating some stupid guys who make you split 50-50 and all that stuff.
00:02:53
Speaker
I'm not advising it.
00:02:54
Speaker
I'm not advocating for it.
00:02:56
Speaker
I'd prefer if younger women were to read and take our wisdom as well.
00:02:59
Speaker
But I understand that, you know, at that age, I was also very resistant to information.
00:03:03
Speaker
I don't know how I would have reacted if an older woman gave me solid advice.
00:03:07
Speaker
I have to say I didn't have any older women in my life who could be a guiding force who I trusted with dating because I came from a very conservative culture.
00:03:14
Speaker
And most of the women in my culture were, you know, they had arranged marriages.
00:03:17
Speaker
So none of them were particularly wise about men.
00:03:19
Speaker
in the way that counted, like in terms of like how to find a good partner, they kind of just, you know, gave advice based on like, what would happen after you got a shit one, which is not nearly as valuable to me, because I wanted to avoid that.
00:03:30
Speaker
You know, for me, I don't know that I would have listened, I would like to think that I would have if somebody sensible came along, but it's just that I didn't really meet anyone like
Self-Worth Beyond Beauty Standards
00:03:37
Speaker
that.
00:03:37
Speaker
And so for me, the podcast and the forum was really a space for me to compare notes with other women and realize that
00:03:44
Speaker
Oh, I'm not alone.
00:03:45
Speaker
And I have to put out one more thing here.
00:03:47
Speaker
For a very long time, I felt like I was alone in these experiences because there was something wrong with me.
00:03:53
Speaker
I was not pretty enough.
00:03:55
Speaker
I wasn't desirable enough.
00:03:56
Speaker
I wasn't attractive enough.
00:03:58
Speaker
It all had to come down to how the male gaze viewed me.
00:04:03
Speaker
And so I was convinced that the reason I was having bad experiences was that I was not attractive enough to be worthy of good experiences.
00:04:09
Speaker
even though I was able to validate in other ways, right?
00:04:11
Speaker
I knew I was smart.
00:04:12
Speaker
I knew I was funny.
00:04:14
Speaker
I mean, but if men were picking girls based on being funny and being smart, I would have a line from here to fucking Timbuktu.
00:04:21
Speaker
I'd have a lock on that.
00:04:25
Speaker
So, you know, I was convinced that I was having negative experiences because of the way that I looked, because that's the easiest answer, right?
00:04:32
Speaker
Until I went on Reddit, and I realized, no, extremely powerful, beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, career driven, whatever you want to call it, like some of the best women in the world, you know, have shit relationships.
00:04:44
Speaker
And
00:04:44
Speaker
All you have to do is observe the world around you to know that that is true.
00:04:47
Speaker
We live in a world where Beyonce got cheated on, where Angelina Jolie was beaten, you know, where, what's her face?
00:04:54
Speaker
Who are the other people that we have a shit time dating?
00:04:57
Speaker
There's so many of them.
00:04:58
Speaker
I mean, it's just such an endless list.
00:05:01
Speaker
Like Ashwarya Arai?
00:05:02
Speaker
Oh yeah, Ashwarya Arai is in the middle of like, she can't even divorce him.
00:05:05
Speaker
She's like separated from him.
00:05:06
Speaker
But basically she like, like settled for like a guy and now she's like paying for it.
00:05:11
Speaker
But she's had like shitty relationships too, you know, and she's one of the most beautiful women in the world.
00:05:15
Speaker
The most ever, like famed, noted global beauty.
00:05:20
Speaker
And even she has to deal with these dusties.
00:05:22
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:05:23
Speaker
And I mean, it comes down to the mindset, right?
00:05:25
Speaker
A lot of these women may have the looks and they may have the career, but they don't have the mindset.
00:05:30
Speaker
And so until you have the mindset, it really doesn't matter.
00:05:33
Speaker
I really want to emphasize here that how attractive you think you are relative to men's desires and conventional standards of beauty is actually immaterial.
00:05:41
Speaker
you're more likely to get better treatment from men by adopting principles that are extremely ruthless and to your benefit than you are by being a very good looking woman that doesn't apply any strategy at all.
00:05:53
Speaker
If I have to repeat that, I will.
00:05:54
Speaker
I was just going to say, would you please repeat that, Diana?
00:05:58
Speaker
You can be as hot as the fucking sun, but if you have no strategy and no standards, you will have a shitty ass treatment that you will never be able to recover from.
00:06:07
Speaker
And if you are a plain looking woman that applies rootless strategy and is extremely, extremely invested in reaping the most benefits from your connections to men, you are going to have much better prospects and probably a happier life.
00:06:20
Speaker
It has very little to do with your level of attraction because beautiful women and smart women and independent career-driven women are treated badly all the time.
00:06:29
Speaker
The real difference is the ones who walk away from bad treatment.
00:06:33
Speaker
That really ensures the fact that you have better treatment.
00:06:36
Speaker
Your ability to walk away is the biggest and strongest bothering chip you have, so you have to use
Rejecting Societal Standards and Maintaining High Standards
00:06:41
Speaker
that.
00:06:41
Speaker
That's right.
00:06:42
Speaker
Walk away.
00:06:43
Speaker
If you've ever looked at how successful unions have been and why they are successful, it's because when they aren't getting what they want, ultimately they go on strike, which is the equivalent of walking away.
00:06:54
Speaker
They walk away from their posts.
00:06:56
Speaker
They leave the table.
00:06:57
Speaker
And they're like, you know what, we'll come back and talk to you when you're being reasonable, but you're not giving us anything that we want.
00:07:02
Speaker
So there's nothing further to be done here.
00:07:04
Speaker
And they walk away.
00:07:06
Speaker
And that is the most valuable lesson for any of us.
00:07:08
Speaker
In fact, Diana, I really like how you explained that because as we were discussing, Diana's got a fun little story for us coming up.
00:07:14
Speaker
But as we were discussing, you know, how our lives have been in light of, you know, our personalities, our characters, our looks.
00:07:21
Speaker
One thing I was saying to her was, I don't think I'm a particularly attractive, good looking person.
00:07:25
Speaker
I think I'm pretty plain.
00:07:26
Speaker
I think I'm like a plain Jane, Midwest, totally run of the mill white girl.
00:07:32
Speaker
However,
00:07:33
Speaker
I have an amazing personality, if I do say so myself.
00:07:37
Speaker
I have fantastic style.
00:07:39
Speaker
I mean, I'm stopped on the streets and complimented and asked about who I'm wearing and where I got the look.
00:07:46
Speaker
This happens to me almost daily if I'm out and about.
00:07:49
Speaker
And I also just have a sort of joy de vivre that people love.
00:07:54
Speaker
Like I was telling Diana, when I was growing up, I realized from a very young age, I had to have an ethical mindset toward whatever this aura is that I have, like the vibe that I'm vibing out in the world.
00:08:06
Speaker
It results in me getting almost basically anything that I want.
00:08:09
Speaker
And that's a very dangerous proposition, as a matter of fact, because one of the things that I remembered was like, I'm so charismatic, I can get away with so much I can lie, cheat and steal.
00:08:20
Speaker
And I would get away with it.
00:08:21
Speaker
And so I had to really sort of rein myself back in and look at like, what kind of life do I want to live?
00:08:25
Speaker
What kind of person do I want to be?
00:08:28
Speaker
In other words, I had to understand, like, I wanted to use my powers for good.
00:08:31
Speaker
And so there have been times where, you know, I've had to pull the powers out to get me out of scrapes or sort of
00:08:38
Speaker
Some scenarios that were not so wonderful, but I was never using them against anyone.
00:08:43
Speaker
And I've never lied, cheated or steal.
00:08:46
Speaker
And so I can live with myself being somehow just a naturally charismatic person who, as my therapist says, mana just falls from the heavens for.
00:08:55
Speaker
And this is one thing where, as Diana said, as someone who I feel personally as a plain person, for the longest time, I thought I'll just have to settle for whoever I can get.
00:09:05
Speaker
Or like, you know, I don't deserve no wonder I don't have a boyfriend.
00:09:07
Speaker
I don't deserve a boyfriend.
00:09:09
Speaker
And then as I got older, if you look at couples, and this is something else my therapist has said to me, she's like, go to a mall, or go to an outdoor, you know, eating area and just look at all the couples that walk by.
00:09:21
Speaker
And look at the depth and breadth of the variety of the men and the women that you see.
00:09:26
Speaker
Not everybody is with the most beautiful person.
00:09:28
Speaker
The most beautiful person can be with somebody who is not.
00:09:32
Speaker
And it's because there's so much more that's going on under the surface when it ultimately comes to who we end up partnering with.
00:09:38
Speaker
And as Diana said, the walking away is so important.
00:09:41
Speaker
And this is what I've had to learn.
00:09:42
Speaker
And in fact, for me, the area where I've really practiced the walking away has been with my own family.
00:09:48
Speaker
Because
00:09:50
Speaker
Most of the reason why I also felt I was so undeserving of love and respect and goodwill was because I was sort of the scapegoat in my family.
00:09:57
Speaker
I was the punching bag.
00:09:59
Speaker
And so to me, it just, that was the default dynamic that I was used to.
00:10:04
Speaker
And I realized as I started, again, FDS was really instrumental to me.
00:10:07
Speaker
FDS was saying to me, you can walk away whoever it's with, if they are not according you the respect and dignity that you deserve.
00:10:17
Speaker
And it was really when I started to apply that to my own family that my life really, I've never had a bad life.
00:10:22
Speaker
I've always had a really blessed and fortunate life.
00:10:25
Speaker
But when I tell you that over the last four years, since I've started to implement and walk away from the situations in my family and in my life, where I have not been afforded the respect that I deserve, the changes in my life have been immeasurable, immeasurably for the better.
00:10:40
Speaker
And so this is something we're going to go over today as we keep talking to Anna.
00:10:45
Speaker
Thank you so much for that.
00:10:47
Speaker
Yeah, you know, I have to push back and say I probably think you're probably very attractive.
00:10:51
Speaker
And this is why, okay, this is why I'm going to say that.
00:10:55
Speaker
Okay.
00:10:56
Speaker
So my default with myself is I may not conform to society's conventional expectations of beauty.
00:11:03
Speaker
But I think I'm pretty beautiful.
00:11:04
Speaker
I think I'm all that in a bag of chips.
00:11:06
Speaker
And the reason I think that it's because it's necessary to my survival.
00:11:10
Speaker
And let me explain, right?
Confidence and Independence in Relationships
00:11:12
Speaker
When you think and I'm not trying to keep you in Delulu land, let me just, you know, to everybody who's listening out there, I'm not saying be delusional about your level of attractiveness or whatever, you know,
00:11:21
Speaker
But yeah, to a certain degree, do because the red pill guys are going to try to convince you that like you're like a number on a scale.
00:11:29
Speaker
And it's really arbitrary because when push comes to shove, they'll still sleep with you.
00:11:33
Speaker
It won't matter what number you are on the scale.
00:11:35
Speaker
They're still going to be physically attracted to you because they're stupid.
00:11:38
Speaker
So their expectations don't matter.
00:11:39
Speaker
But here's why it's really important for you to think that you're beautiful.
00:11:42
Speaker
Because if somebody doesn't think you're beautiful and wants you to feel ugly, your immediate reaction to them should be suspicion.
00:11:51
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:52
Speaker
When I say I think I'm beautiful and I think I'm cute and I think I'm adorable and I think I'm funny and some other guy's reaction is to immediately be like, oh, you really think you're all that?
00:12:00
Speaker
You really think you're beautiful?
00:12:02
Speaker
You really think you're that smart?
00:12:04
Speaker
My immediate reaction is why is it so important for you that I think that I'm ugly?
00:12:11
Speaker
Why is it important to you?
00:12:13
Speaker
that I don't think I'm all that.
00:12:15
Speaker
Is it because it benefits you in some way?
00:12:17
Speaker
Right?
00:12:18
Speaker
So it's not because I need to be the most beautiful woman alive.
00:12:21
Speaker
I'm not speaking about this narcissistic, I need to be better than other women.
00:12:25
Speaker
I'm in competition with other women and my beauty and their beauty is in constant competition for the attentions of men.
00:12:30
Speaker
No, that's not why.
00:12:31
Speaker
I believe that you should see yourself as a beautiful being.
00:12:34
Speaker
Because when other people question your sense of self worth and your confidence, your immediate reaction should be, why is it so important for you that I don't like myself?
00:12:44
Speaker
You know what, you're right, that is such an important flag to catch early and often.
00:12:49
Speaker
In fact, I was almost having a little bit of a flashback.
00:12:52
Speaker
When you gave this scenario and you were saying what a scrote would say to you, oh, you really think you're this?
00:12:58
Speaker
Oh, you really think you're that?
00:13:00
Speaker
I had a flashback to all the times my dad would say that to me and all the ways in which he would tell me that I was worthless and useless and inferior because I was born without a dick.
00:13:10
Speaker
And this is why I think for the longest time, I couldn't accept that I was a spectacular, extraordinary person.
00:13:17
Speaker
And of course, now one of the things my therapist says, she says, well, of course your father hated you, Rose.
00:13:22
Speaker
You had the biggest dick of all of them.
00:13:26
Speaker
Yeah, because I've just always been honest.
00:13:29
Speaker
And it comes from a loving place.
00:13:30
Speaker
But I've never been one who bullshits, you know, and I never blow smoke up anyone's ass.
00:13:35
Speaker
I don't think that's helpful.
00:13:36
Speaker
And I think in fact, it's disadvantageous to the person with whom you're blowing smoke, because why wouldn't you want the person that you're closest to to be able to trust your word, right?
00:13:46
Speaker
This altering of why would you want to put down somebody who is your own child or who is your own friend or your partner?
00:13:54
Speaker
For your partner.
00:13:55
Speaker
Why is it so important for you that they think less of themselves?
00:13:58
Speaker
Because here's the thing.
00:13:59
Speaker
The way to counter that when a person comes at you and they're like, oh, you think you're all that?
00:14:03
Speaker
Is to say, yeah, I do.
00:14:05
Speaker
What are you going to do?
00:14:06
Speaker
Are you going to call the fucking police on me?
00:14:07
Speaker
What are you going to do?
00:14:08
Speaker
You're going to call Joan Rivers from the grave to come and drag me?
00:14:12
Speaker
Call your mommy.
00:14:14
Speaker
Oh my God, Joan Rivers.
00:14:15
Speaker
I love you.
00:14:16
Speaker
By the way...
00:14:19
Speaker
I love that you just cited Joan Rivers.
00:14:20
Speaker
Can I just say in the United States, at least there is still a Joan Rivers line through the QVC shopping network.
00:14:26
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:14:27
Speaker
Really?
00:14:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:28
Speaker
And her shit is really good.
00:14:29
Speaker
Like the style is great.
00:14:30
Speaker
I've got this great little leopard print fuzzy vest of hers.
00:14:34
Speaker
And I'm like, every time I wear it, I'm like, Joan Rivers, rest in power.
00:14:37
Speaker
I thought the QVC thing was Canadian.
00:14:39
Speaker
I didn't know that they had it in Canadian.
00:14:42
Speaker
Oh, okay.
00:14:43
Speaker
Okay.
00:14:43
Speaker
I didn't know they had it in the States.
00:14:45
Speaker
Yeah, we've got it in the States.
00:14:46
Speaker
Yeah, of course we do.
00:14:47
Speaker
And it's a whole cable network channel.
00:14:49
Speaker
I don't have cable, but my friends do.
00:14:51
Speaker
And so I've seen it.
00:14:51
Speaker
And it's like when I go to there, sometimes I'm like, I'm just gonna go to their website and see what's on there.
00:14:55
Speaker
And they still have a Joan Rivers line.
00:14:57
Speaker
So to our dear listeners, if you've always liked Joan's style, go check out her clothing line because it's really pretty fire.
00:15:03
Speaker
Wow, I didn't even know that.
00:15:05
Speaker
But yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, like, what are you gonna do if I like myself, dude?
00:15:08
Speaker
Are you gonna fucking throw me in prison?
00:15:09
Speaker
Are you gonna set me on fire?
00:15:11
Speaker
Are you gonna send me to go live with a bunch of wolves?
00:15:13
Speaker
No.
00:15:14
Speaker
So what does it do to you?
00:15:15
Speaker
Like, how does it affect your life if I like myself?
00:15:17
Speaker
You don't have to agree with me.
00:15:19
Speaker
If I say I think I'm pretty, you don't have to agree with me.
00:15:22
Speaker
I don't think I'm the king of this land.
00:15:24
Speaker
I don't think I made a law that said you have to agree with me.
00:15:26
Speaker
But it's very, very interesting to me that you think that I need your approval in some way.
00:15:31
Speaker
It's very interesting to me that it's so important for you that I think that I'm not that great.
00:15:36
Speaker
Why is that?
00:15:37
Speaker
Why is it so important?
00:15:39
Speaker
That's right.
00:15:40
Speaker
So Diana is basically giving us such a great snapshot of what I would call or I would refer to chapter 20 in the FDS handbook, a mindset change.
00:15:50
Speaker
And the writer who was throwaway92838383.
00:15:53
Speaker
Oh, I hope they're listening.
00:15:56
Speaker
I hope they're still around.
00:15:57
Speaker
Or maybe they're just like out there living their best life.
00:15:59
Speaker
And I hope that, you know what, either way, live your best life, queen.
00:16:02
Speaker
Oh, big up, big up to the throwaway accounts, you know, doing the Lord's work.
00:16:06
Speaker
Exactly.
00:16:08
Speaker
So talking about the mindset shift, she was saying like, I had this terrible relationship.
00:16:13
Speaker
It was abusive.
00:16:15
Speaker
Despite being the nice considerate
Critique of Gender Expectations
00:16:16
Speaker
girl, I was slow faded after sex all the time.
00:16:19
Speaker
I was convinced I was ugly.
00:16:20
Speaker
I wasn't attractive with me enough.
00:16:22
Speaker
There had to be something wrong with me physically, right?
00:16:25
Speaker
And she says, well, that's when I found FDS.
00:16:28
Speaker
I'm going to quote her.
00:16:29
Speaker
Okay, Diana quote, instantly, I totally overhauled everything, everything I've been taught.
00:16:34
Speaker
Everything I thought was quote unquote right was now turned on its head.
00:16:39
Speaker
I immediately got busy.
00:16:40
Speaker
I started up with my old hobbies I had relinquished after getting serious with my ex.
00:16:43
Speaker
I started salsa dancing again.
00:16:46
Speaker
I rekindled my love for French.
00:16:47
Speaker
I connected with friends I was isolated from in my relationships.
00:16:50
Speaker
I lived my life for me.
00:16:53
Speaker
What ended up happening?
00:16:54
Speaker
The same thing that I always did.
00:16:56
Speaker
Men asked me out.
00:16:58
Speaker
Only this time, I changed the way I approached the men who asked me out.
00:17:03
Speaker
And here's the point that I really like that she made, and then I'll wrap it up.
00:17:05
Speaker
She says, I didn't put them on a pedestal.
00:17:08
Speaker
They were just men.
00:17:10
Speaker
They had proven nothing to me.
00:17:12
Speaker
Had they proven their value?
00:17:13
Speaker
Had they demonstrated their commitment to me?
00:17:16
Speaker
No.
00:17:16
Speaker
And I could easily live with or without them.
00:17:19
Speaker
I had my own life to live.
00:17:20
Speaker
My world no longer revolved around the men in my life.
00:17:24
Speaker
I was no longer interested in chasing because I could take them or leave them.
00:17:29
Speaker
End quote.
00:17:30
Speaker
And this whole chapter, please go and read it.
00:17:32
Speaker
The whole handbook is amazing.
00:17:33
Speaker
But like, I think this, she writes this so, so well.
00:17:35
Speaker
And like, I could have been me.
00:17:37
Speaker
It could have been me writing this.
00:17:38
Speaker
It's absolutely right.
00:17:39
Speaker
And I think this is what we have to think about.
00:17:41
Speaker
Like, why do we pedestalize these men?
00:17:45
Speaker
And why don't we look at it from the perspective of what are they proving to you?
00:17:50
Speaker
How are they proving their value?
00:17:53
Speaker
How are they demonstrating their commitment?
00:17:54
Speaker
If they're not...
00:17:56
Speaker
To the trash they go.
00:17:57
Speaker
On to the next.
00:17:59
Speaker
Onwards and upwards.
00:18:00
Speaker
Yep.
00:18:01
Speaker
First of all, it's very lonely to be in this mindset because if you're surrounded by pick me women and you're surrounded by men who like project this entire red pill agenda, you're going to feel crazy because you're the only person who thinks the way you do.
00:18:12
Speaker
Okay.
00:18:13
Speaker
And they're going to convince you that like you have to care about shit like the male loneliness crisis and all that jazz.
00:18:18
Speaker
But like, you know, I think that we should be focusing on a much more pressing issue, which is the male ugliness crisis.
00:18:24
Speaker
Since when did y'all become so ugly?
00:18:25
Speaker
Like what is happening?
00:18:27
Speaker
Okay, something is happening to the men because for four years, I have not been attracted to a single soul.
00:18:34
Speaker
And this can't be a coincidence, guys.
00:18:36
Speaker
There's something in the water.
00:18:37
Speaker
There's something going on.
00:18:38
Speaker
And
00:18:42
Speaker
When is America going to talk about that?
00:18:45
Speaker
When is Anderson Cooper going to do something about the male ugliness crisis?
00:18:48
Speaker
It's affecting one in two Americans every day.
00:18:52
Speaker
Yeah, you want to talk about the sharp decrease in reproduction.
00:18:55
Speaker
Well, who wants to reproduce with these clowns?
00:18:57
Speaker
It is dire out here.
00:18:58
Speaker
And most of the women that I see, I'm not saying like they're all dreamboats.
00:19:02
Speaker
But most of them have some sort of fun style.
00:19:04
Speaker
They've got sneakers on.
00:19:05
Speaker
They do their hair.
00:19:06
Speaker
Like, they're not walking out here in the real world like total trolls.
00:19:10
Speaker
Whereas these men I see, like, I don't even know if they wash themselves.
00:19:13
Speaker
I don't even know if they have shampoo.
00:19:15
Speaker
Like, it's looking pretty bad.
00:19:17
Speaker
They look homeless.
00:19:19
Speaker
And I really do feel for homeless people who don't have access to soap and water and just places where they can safely clean themselves.
00:19:27
Speaker
So please don't take this as a slur on the homeless.
00:19:29
Speaker
But the fact remains that these men who all have indoor plumbing, heated water, you know, private bathrooms, apparently they can't be bothered to do the slightest bit of grooming.
00:19:40
Speaker
And like we've talked about before, in the past, you know, men used to wear heels.
00:19:44
Speaker
The Vikings were braiding their hair.
00:19:47
Speaker
Like, these men used to do the most.
00:19:50
Speaker
Where did they go?
00:19:51
Speaker
I don't know.
00:19:52
Speaker
They drowned in a river somewhere.
00:19:53
Speaker
Like, they went somewhere.
00:19:55
Speaker
They went some bad.
00:19:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:58
Speaker
It's been dire the last couple of decades, I'm not going to lie.
00:20:01
Speaker
But I mean, you know, this is why, you know, we want to go back into we're going to talk about a lot of points today, but we should talk about why working in your mindset is important.
00:20:09
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, confidence is 100% of the game, right?
00:20:13
Speaker
If you are a confident woman, and you have a high sense of self worth, you're more likely to have better prospects than a woman who is good looking who does not have a high sense of self worth.
00:20:23
Speaker
And I've seen this over and over again with the women I've observed in my life, with friends, with roommates, some of the most beautiful women I know.
00:20:28
Speaker
And I lived in LA.
00:20:29
Speaker
Okay.
00:20:29
Speaker
And I lived in all of these cities that were like the film hubs of their respective countries, like London and all these other places.
00:20:36
Speaker
And like every single one of them had amazingly, astoundingly beautiful women.
00:20:40
Speaker
And they were all also deeply insecure.
00:20:42
Speaker
And because of that, they attracted the kind of men who were absolute garbage.
00:20:48
Speaker
because they didn't think they deserve better.
00:20:50
Speaker
And when I questioned some of them on it, their response was like, well, I'm not perfect.
00:20:53
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, we go back to the first episode where we talked about like, well, so what if you're not perfect?
00:20:58
Speaker
Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you don't deserve something good.
00:21:01
Speaker
This idea that you're only worthy of a good relationship when you are like 100% the most attractive woman alive, the smartest woman, the best woman, like why do we
Personal Growth and Boundaries
00:21:09
Speaker
have these standards?
00:21:09
Speaker
And like a man's standard is, I hope he washes his ass and brushes his teeth from time to time.
00:21:14
Speaker
I do not accept these conditions, okay?
00:21:16
Speaker
Actually, and you know what, we're seeing this in real time in the election here in the States.
00:21:20
Speaker
Like, why does Kamala have to be the most perfect, polished paragon of political astuteness?
00:21:28
Speaker
And the other man is literally in a diaper, walking around in a daze, talking about wishing he had Hitler's generals to help him out.
00:21:37
Speaker
Like, how is this even happening right now?
00:21:41
Speaker
Like, if you take what's happening on the world stage and you shrink it down to your everyday day-to-day life, it's the same thing.
00:21:48
Speaker
We hold ourselves to these impossible standards.
00:21:50
Speaker
We use them as justifications for why we don't deserve to be treated with love and respect and caring adoration.
00:21:56
Speaker
And we end up with men who are in diapers because they can't be bothered to like take a break from the video game to go take a piss.
00:22:03
Speaker
Exactly.
00:22:04
Speaker
Exactly.
00:22:05
Speaker
So first of all, you have to get rid of this mindset that in order to be worthy of a good partnership, you have to be this paragon of virtue and that you have to be this like unimpeachable person who's as good looking as a Victoria's Secret model, as intelligent as like, I don't know, a Rhodes Scholar or something, you know, as hardworking as, you know,
00:22:24
Speaker
I don't know, some big company guy.
00:22:26
Speaker
I have no idea.
00:22:26
Speaker
I don't even remember most of these like CEOs anymore because I try so hard to find out the shit that they say.
00:22:31
Speaker
I don't even think they work that hard.
00:22:33
Speaker
They don't work hard.
00:22:33
Speaker
Yeah, like factory work.
00:22:34
Speaker
Let's say working as hard as a factory worker or like a stay at home mom.
00:22:38
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:22:38
Speaker
Like, yes.
00:22:40
Speaker
But you know, my point is that at the end of the day, confidence is 100% part of the game.
00:22:45
Speaker
Because first of all, I noticed that when I was younger, I used to get approached a lot more just because I had this like very doe-eyed, you know, ingenue, like kind of very innocent look to my face.
00:22:55
Speaker
And so it gave men the impression that it was like a deer caught in headlights.
00:22:58
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:22:58
Speaker
It just gave men the impression that I'm this very innocent woman who is very easy to take for a ride.
00:23:03
Speaker
And they were right.
00:23:04
Speaker
Because back then I was, I was like that, you know, back then, I really did want to believe in the best in people.
00:23:09
Speaker
I hadn't had like a hard dose of reality, because most of the men I grew up with were pretty nice.
00:23:14
Speaker
They were pretty, my dad was wonderful to me.
00:23:16
Speaker
And like, he was very, very, you know, protective about the kind of men that he allowed in my life.
00:23:20
Speaker
And so in general, I did not have extremely negative experiences with men outside of the boys I met at school, but like,
00:23:26
Speaker
I kind of chopped them up to being an anomaly, you know?
00:23:28
Speaker
And I also felt like it was partly because I grew up with some of them.
00:23:31
Speaker
And so I feel like I kind of saw them in close quarters in a way that you usually wouldn't at school.
00:23:36
Speaker
And so I kind of just made excuses for their bad behavior being like, ah, that's just like, I just got in too close.
00:23:41
Speaker
And I've known these people for so long that we've reached a level of comfort that's unusual.
00:23:45
Speaker
but that's not going to be other men.
00:23:47
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:23:48
Speaker
And so it just attracted a lot of people who are out like vultures and a lot of men are vultures, like straight up vultures.
00:23:54
Speaker
So you have to work on your mindset and give off this spoiled girly, strict babe energy because when you are a strict babe, they know and they know that they can't come at you with the usual tomfoolery and shenanigans.
00:24:06
Speaker
And so, you know, there's this expression that I read recently that made me chuckle so much.
00:24:10
Speaker
It was like, if he shenanigans once, he'll shenanigan.
00:24:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:13
Speaker
That's wonderful.
00:24:16
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:24:17
Speaker
Shanann says a verb.
00:24:18
Speaker
That's great.
00:24:19
Speaker
I love that you use tomfoolery myself.
00:24:25
Speaker
Okay.
00:24:26
Speaker
I do not accept tomfoolery and I do not accept stupidity.
00:24:30
Speaker
And so I just give the impression that I'm a very strict babe.
00:24:33
Speaker
Okay.
00:24:34
Speaker
And I had to learn that I was not always that woman.
00:24:37
Speaker
I was very friendly, very affable.
00:24:39
Speaker
I'm very much like you.
00:24:40
Speaker
I do think that when it comes to like, you know, the devil and the angel on the shoulder, I'm a little bit more of the devil.
00:24:45
Speaker
You're a little bit more of an angel.
00:24:46
Speaker
So every woman that listens to us, it's like, you know, if you want the demonic version of how you can use this to manage, because I'm not trying to play fair or nice.
00:24:54
Speaker
Okay.
00:24:54
Speaker
I say straight up go evil on these bitches because they deserve it.
00:24:57
Speaker
Men don't deserve forgiveness at all.
00:25:00
Speaker
I am learning from you.
00:25:01
Speaker
Have you been watching ever the good omens show?
00:25:03
Speaker
No, you know what, I watched the first season, but I haven't seen the second or third one yet.
00:25:06
Speaker
I'm a huge fan of David Tennant's work.
00:25:08
Speaker
Me too.
00:25:09
Speaker
I love the angels and the devil because like you come to see, you know, the devil like has a lot of fairly good points.
00:25:14
Speaker
And sometimes the angel like is a little too naive and ignorant.
00:25:19
Speaker
So that's sort of where I feel like we're at.
00:25:21
Speaker
And this is a good spectrum to be on Diana.
00:25:23
Speaker
And I mean, we're going to be like that both ways, right?
00:25:25
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, what you have to learn from your naive position, as we all are in our own ways, we're naive about certain things, is we like to see the world in a certain way.
00:25:33
Speaker
And we assume that the world works this way because we'd like it to work that way.
00:25:38
Speaker
You have to see the world for what it is and not what you hope it is.
00:25:41
Speaker
And hopefully by acknowledging that you're able to actually craft a world that is closer to your vision.
00:25:47
Speaker
Because the truth is when you operate from a naive perspective and you give too many people the benefit of the doubt, that is how you wind up getting used.
00:25:55
Speaker
So confidence, going back to confidence, confidence is 100% of the game.
00:25:59
Speaker
If you seem like a woman who does not accept nonsense, total bullshit, and tomfoolery shenanigans,
00:26:05
Speaker
you're not going to attract the kind of men who think that they can pull a fast one on you.
00:26:10
Speaker
Some of them will try because men always shoot their shot and they always try to do that shit, but you're not going to entertain it anyway.
00:26:16
Speaker
So the second that they realize that you're not going to give them more, they're going to just back off or do something that makes you abundantly clear that they're not the one for you.
00:26:24
Speaker
So just be assured that men always play their cards up front and you always end up seeing exactly.
00:26:29
Speaker
Again, I don't think men have been socialized the way that we have to cover our tracks as much.
00:26:33
Speaker
We have to be so careful how we are perceived in public and be so diplomatic all the time.
00:26:38
Speaker
Most men don't have to be that way.
00:26:39
Speaker
So if you just let a man talk, he will tell you everything.
00:26:41
Speaker
He'll tell you where the body is buried.
00:26:43
Speaker
Like he doesn't have any sense of self-preservation.
00:26:45
Speaker
God bless them.
00:26:46
Speaker
It's one of their best things.
00:26:48
Speaker
God bless their lack of self-preservation because it saves us every time.
00:26:52
Speaker
It is amazing.
00:26:52
Speaker
If you really listen to, if you listen to what they say, they will tell you everything.
00:26:56
Speaker
So pay very close attention.
00:26:58
Speaker
But this is something where, Diana, you were telling me this story before we got started about how, as a 31-year-old, you encountered a younger man who was slavering over you like a golden retriever.
00:27:11
Speaker
And we were laughing about how clearly the wall does not and never has existed.
00:27:16
Speaker
Do you want to share this with our listeners?
00:27:18
Speaker
Oh my god, yes.
00:27:19
Speaker
Okay.
00:27:19
Speaker
I mean, I never really bought into the wall thing to begin with, because I thought like most of the beautiful women I'd seen were like in their 30s and 40s and 50s.
00:27:28
Speaker
In fact, now I just pay more attention to women in their 30s and 40s and 50s.
00:27:31
Speaker
And I'm always amazed by how good looking they are.
00:27:33
Speaker
And then I look at their male counterparts, and I'm like, you look like you died and we're like resurrected or something.
00:27:38
Speaker
But you know what I mean?
00:27:39
Speaker
Like what happened?
00:27:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:40
Speaker
You know what, what is it like?
00:27:42
Speaker
I mean, what happened?
00:27:43
Speaker
Right?
00:27:43
Speaker
So anyway, you know, I'm gonna give a brief little story about how the wall doesn't exist.
00:27:48
Speaker
And here's why you shouldn't buy that bullshit.
00:27:50
Speaker
So I went to like a retreat recently for my craft just to like help develop my craft.
00:27:55
Speaker
And I met this like actor guy there who was like super into me from the jump.
00:27:59
Speaker
It was very, very abundantly clear to me that he was really into me.
00:28:02
Speaker
And like we were having a discussion that night and like my age came up because there were like two other people who had the same age as me and we were like, Oh my god, what a wild thing that like out of eight of us like three of us are the same age.
00:28:11
Speaker
So he was well aware of my age.
00:28:12
Speaker
Okay, let's just start out there.
00:28:13
Speaker
He knew what age I was, but it didn't stop him from flirting with me all weekend.
00:28:17
Speaker
And he was very like a puppy dog, like following me around, just like constantly trying to touch me, just constantly all up in my space.
00:28:24
Speaker
And like, he was fun.
00:28:25
Speaker
Like we were having a good time and like, you know, sets are very tiring places and stuff.
00:28:29
Speaker
So we were like sitting and talking and like, you know, just catching up and, you know, he was telling me stuff about the industry.
00:28:34
Speaker
I was telling him stuff about my experiences, but it was very, very obvious that he was being extremely flirty because
00:28:39
Speaker
He took every opportunity to flirt with me.
00:28:41
Speaker
It was wild.
00:28:42
Speaker
It had been a really long time.
00:28:44
Speaker
Bear in mind that I have been celibate since 2020, since February.
00:28:50
Speaker
I actually stopped before the pandemic.
00:28:52
Speaker
I haven't so much as even looked at a man since then.
00:28:55
Speaker
I haven't dated.
00:28:56
Speaker
And I've been very, very firm on my boundaries because I was like, I'm taking this time to recuperate and to focus on my mindset and to focus on my own personal goals.
00:29:04
Speaker
So I prioritized my career and my other goals.
00:29:07
Speaker
And I was like, you know, if this naturally happens, it happens, but I'm not going to go force it to happen.
00:29:11
Speaker
And I'm not going to try to force connections or like get on apps and stuff because I just didn't find these places to be particularly fulfilling for me.
00:29:18
Speaker
Okay.
00:29:19
Speaker
So, but I did think that this guy was quite cute because obviously he's a good looking actor.
00:29:22
Speaker
He's tall, nice arms, nice smile, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:29:25
Speaker
I knew from the jump, I was like, he's super into me.
00:29:30
Speaker
What do I do?
00:29:30
Speaker
Do I reject him or do I indulge him a little bit?
00:29:33
Speaker
Maybe I just kiss him.
00:29:35
Speaker
I made up my mind from the jump that I was going to orchestrate his path to kissing me because I was like, he's a kid.
00:29:41
Speaker
late 20 something like I'm sorry right now you probably feel like the most grown you will ever feel but trust me once you hit your 30s and 40s you're gonna be like oh my god I was a baby how did anyone let me do anything right it's so true and so I was like okay this guy has had his prefrontal cortex for about five seconds now
00:29:58
Speaker
So he's only just developed a sense of consequence.
00:30:01
Speaker
Okay.
00:30:01
Speaker
And he knows my age.
00:30:02
Speaker
This is not like affecting him in any way.
00:30:04
Speaker
He's still like very, very obviously trying to like, you know, get in contact with me, like hold me in certain ways and stuff.
00:30:11
Speaker
And I was like, okay, yeah, okay.
00:30:12
Speaker
I get it.
00:30:12
Speaker
I pick up your vibe.
00:30:13
Speaker
Okay.
00:30:14
Speaker
And so like he made like this stupid, he's like six feet tall, right?
00:30:17
Speaker
So he's like, Oh, yeah, this is like the last night before we were packing up to go back home.
00:30:22
Speaker
And we all had like a wrap party and we were like drinking and stuff.
00:30:25
Speaker
Like he used to keep running around doing errands for me, like, you know, getting me glasses of wine, making me joints and stuff like it
Navigating Flirtations and Personal Standards
00:30:30
Speaker
was very nice.
00:30:30
Speaker
I felt like a diva and I had like my little spot boy on set, like going around getting things for me.
00:30:36
Speaker
At one point, at one point.
00:30:39
Speaker
But that's what he was.
00:30:40
Speaker
He was running around getting me water and shit.
00:30:42
Speaker
We all need our own spa boy.
00:30:44
Speaker
Yes.
00:30:45
Speaker
Well done, Diana.
00:30:46
Speaker
And so anyway, so he was like, this is stupidest thing he did.
00:30:49
Speaker
He was like, Oh, yeah, can you come back with me to the rooms?
00:30:52
Speaker
Because we were like neighbors, basically, he was in the room right next to mine.
00:30:55
Speaker
And I was like, Yeah, sure.
00:30:56
Speaker
Why?
00:30:56
Speaker
Why?
00:30:56
Speaker
And he was like, Oh, because I'm scared.
00:30:58
Speaker
And I'm like, you're scared.
00:30:59
Speaker
You're scared.
00:31:01
Speaker
We're like a six foot giant.
00:31:03
Speaker
What are you scared of?
00:31:05
Speaker
I was teasing him, but I knew that he was calling me because he wanted to make out with me.
00:31:09
Speaker
I was like, okay, I'm not going to make it easy for him though, because I had to work and I was editing my film.
00:31:14
Speaker
Anyway, I was editing and I had to literally lock him out of the room.
00:31:17
Speaker
because he was just like so over me was I was like overwhelmed by the attention I'm not gonna lie and so I finally go back to the room I'm hanging out with his roommate for a bit because we're editing because we were partners and he's like just hovering over me and at one point I go to my bedroom because I'm like is he gonna make this move at any point like
00:31:33
Speaker
what is he doing?
00:31:34
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:31:34
Speaker
And so I was like, okay, I guess maybe not.
00:31:36
Speaker
And so I just started like washing my face and like doing my skincare because it was like really late.
00:31:40
Speaker
It was like 12, like midnight, 1am probably.
00:31:43
Speaker
And he's just like hanging outside my door.
00:31:44
Speaker
I'm not even kidding.
00:31:45
Speaker
He was just like hovering outside my door, like a puppy waiting to be let in from the outside.
00:31:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:52
Speaker
And I was like, okay, clearly he's not going to like breach the walls.
00:31:55
Speaker
He's not going to like come in and invite him in some way and make this justifiable.
00:31:59
Speaker
And so earlier that day we were talking about his perfume because he had really nice perfume on and I'm, you know, a perfume girly.
00:32:03
Speaker
I'm really into that stuff.
00:32:04
Speaker
So I pointed, I was like, oh, that smells really nice.
00:32:06
Speaker
And so I was like, so do you want to, you know, come inside and smell my perfume?
00:32:10
Speaker
And like, he took that as the cue and he walked in and he like grabbed my little perfume bottle and sprayed on my neck.
00:32:15
Speaker
And then he like, you know, basically like leaned in and he started kissing me and I was like, okay,
00:32:18
Speaker
And you know what, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, took you long enough.
00:32:22
Speaker
What was taking you so fucking long?
00:32:25
Speaker
And he was like, what's taking you so long?
00:32:27
Speaker
You started washing your face.
00:32:28
Speaker
I was like, yeah, because I'm not going to stop doing what I need to do just because you can't make up your mind on making a move.
00:32:33
Speaker
Like, I want to go to bed.
00:32:34
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:32:34
Speaker
Like, I'm going to wash my face and put on my sunscreen, like my skincare.
00:32:38
Speaker
I'm not going to sit around waiting for you.
00:32:40
Speaker
Skin care waits for no man.
00:32:41
Speaker
Hello.
00:32:42
Speaker
Not at all.
00:32:43
Speaker
You know, and so, you know, he was just like teasing and stuff.
00:32:45
Speaker
And I was like, you know, at one point, it seemed like he wanted to like escalate the physical stuff.
00:32:50
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, no, we're not doing that.
00:32:52
Speaker
I literally straight up told him we're gonna keep it PG 13 and cute for today.
00:32:56
Speaker
I love this.
00:32:57
Speaker
Use that in the future, ladies.
00:32:58
Speaker
Keep it PG 13.
00:33:00
Speaker
That's like, we're not going past that gentlemen.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah, no, no, no.
00:33:03
Speaker
We're going to pretend like there are children in the room and this is inappropriate.
00:33:07
Speaker
But I was like, no.
00:33:08
Speaker
And also because I knew from the jump that this is what I wanted out of this interaction and I was not going to do anything more, you know, because I'm very old fashioned that way.
00:33:15
Speaker
Like, I mean, also that's what we advocate in FDS as well as like, I don't believe in having sex outside of a committed relationship.
00:33:20
Speaker
And I just met this guy this weekend.
00:33:22
Speaker
You know, he's just a good looking actor.
00:33:23
Speaker
Like, there's nothing more I wanted from him except to like,
00:33:25
Speaker
Kiss him a little bit.
00:33:26
Speaker
You know what, just to preface that, I was entering like the couple of days running up to my period and I'm super horny around that time.
00:33:34
Speaker
So he just caught me at an off time as well because I was hornier than I usually am.
00:33:38
Speaker
And so I relented a little bit, but usually I would have been firm on that.
00:33:42
Speaker
I probably wouldn't have even kissed him.
00:33:43
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:33:43
Speaker
I would have completely ignored him and focused on my craft.
00:33:46
Speaker
You know, my pheromones were crazy or something.
00:33:48
Speaker
Nothing wrong with a little kiss.
00:33:50
Speaker
I know, but I'm telling you, it was, it was my pheromones as well.
00:33:53
Speaker
My hormones are all over the place.
00:33:54
Speaker
And I was like, Oh my God, I don't know what is happening right now, but I feel more than usual.
00:33:59
Speaker
But anyway, so, you know, I kick him out of my room.
00:34:01
Speaker
Cause I was like, this is it.
00:34:03
Speaker
There's, there's nothing more.
00:34:04
Speaker
That's it.
00:34:05
Speaker
You know, that's the end.
00:34:06
Speaker
And we went back to his room.
00:34:07
Speaker
Okay.
00:34:08
Speaker
Which was where my coworker, my partner was.
00:34:10
Speaker
And, you know, he was working on something on the computer.
00:34:13
Speaker
And I realized I left my phone back in the studio.
00:34:15
Speaker
So I asked him, I'm like, Oh, my God, like, remember with the part where I said he wanted us to come back to the room because he was scared.
00:34:22
Speaker
And it was pretty dark then.
00:34:23
Speaker
Okay.
00:34:23
Speaker
And it's like the forest in the middle of nowhere.
00:34:24
Speaker
So I was like, Oh, yeah, I want to go back to get my phone.
00:34:27
Speaker
Will you come with me?
00:34:27
Speaker
And he was like, No.
00:34:29
Speaker
And I was like, Okay, well, fuck you.
00:34:32
Speaker
Oh, a little petulant brat.
00:34:33
Speaker
Yeah, I got very miffed by that.
00:34:35
Speaker
This is the downside of these younger guys.
00:34:37
Speaker
Okay, like because he really did think that I was gonna sleep with him just because he flirted with me like over a weekend.
00:34:41
Speaker
Come on.
00:34:42
Speaker
And I don't, you know, understand his mindset as well.
00:34:44
Speaker
Like he's a good looking actor.
00:34:46
Speaker
He's probably used to women throwing themselves at him.
00:34:48
Speaker
And he's probably a little bit entitled.
00:34:50
Speaker
I honestly, when he did that, I started smirking.
00:34:51
Speaker
I felt really smug because I was like, I'm probably the first woman that's actually rejected him in a while.
00:34:55
Speaker
It feels really nice.
00:34:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:57
Speaker
Because there's a huge chance he could be like a big shot someday.
00:35:00
Speaker
And the fact that I got to be the one that humbled him felt really nice.
00:35:03
Speaker
I'm not gonna lie.
00:35:06
Speaker
You can't get morbid.
00:35:07
Speaker
Sorry.
00:35:08
Speaker
Right.
00:35:09
Speaker
Weren't you talking about how that like you had that little bit of smugness in your heart and it just felt wonderful.
00:35:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:15
Speaker
Yes.
00:35:15
Speaker
You know why I was smug?
00:35:16
Speaker
I was smug because first of all, I was very proud of the fact that I held to my boundaries.
00:35:20
Speaker
I did exactly what I was going to do that I said that I was going to do and I was not going to do anything more than that.
00:35:24
Speaker
I didn't even let him touch me like around.
00:35:26
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:35:26
Speaker
It was simply just kissing.
00:35:27
Speaker
I didn't let him touch any other part of me.
00:35:29
Speaker
Like I was very strict.
00:35:30
Speaker
It was very, very, very strict, which was very hard for me four to five years ago.
00:35:34
Speaker
Like I honestly had like this whole mindset of like, oh, if you just give men what they want, like they will just like comply, which is the stupidest and most delusional way of thinking.
00:35:42
Speaker
But at that time, it made sense to me because again, nobody had told me that that was a stupid way of thinking.
00:35:46
Speaker
And like nobody had broken it down for me that that's not how men think, you know, men are not governed by honor.
00:35:50
Speaker
Let me just put it that way.
00:35:51
Speaker
Men are very much governed by their dicks.
00:35:53
Speaker
So, so he was pissy because I wouldn't escalate the physical shit with him.
00:35:58
Speaker
And I was like, there's no fucking way I'm doing this because we're not even compatible.
00:36:01
Speaker
You're just cute.
00:36:02
Speaker
Like we have nothing in common.
00:36:04
Speaker
You know, you haven't even asked me on a date.
00:36:05
Speaker
Like I'm not interested in you like that.
00:36:07
Speaker
Like, you know, you're just like a fun story for me to tell my grandkids someday when you become huge.
00:36:11
Speaker
And I'm like, oh yeah, that guy who's super into me.
00:36:13
Speaker
That's it.
00:36:14
Speaker
You're an ego boost for me right now.
00:36:15
Speaker
And that's all I kept, you know?
00:36:16
Speaker
And so for me, like I moved on from it very quickly because I was like, can you imagine if I did give him what he wanted?
00:36:22
Speaker
I would have been devastated.
00:36:23
Speaker
I tell my friends this all the time.
00:36:24
Speaker
Let's bring this point up again, because here's something you mentioned before that you were saying.
00:36:29
Speaker
When you used to have some physical encounters with men, you often would just sort of let them lead the pace or let them do what they wanted.
00:36:37
Speaker
And you would sort of go along with it.
00:36:38
Speaker
And I know that's happened to me before.
00:36:40
Speaker
And I think that's very common for most women.
00:36:41
Speaker
I think men rely on that.
00:36:43
Speaker
I let them dictate the terms.
00:36:45
Speaker
And it always left me feeling like I was taken advantage of.
00:36:48
Speaker
And I felt very regretful because I didn't want to do it.
00:36:51
Speaker
And I felt like I was kind of coerced in doing it, even though I wasn't even though I consented doing but I still felt like I was not able to verbalize that I did not want to do it.
00:36:58
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:36:59
Speaker
Because I just felt like it was something I just had to do in order to get them.
00:37:03
Speaker
And also, like, I mean, I never really wanted to.
00:37:05
Speaker
That's just really the point.
00:37:07
Speaker
I was never able to vocalize that I didn't want to.
00:37:09
Speaker
And I felt like I left with a lot of regret and feeling used and feeling devastated because then they would ghost me.
00:37:14
Speaker
And, you know, a lot of men do that, right?
00:37:15
Speaker
They sleep with you and then they ghost you.
00:37:17
Speaker
Or like, you know, once they get what they want out of you, they like run away, essentially.
00:37:20
Speaker
And then you feel really devastated.
00:37:21
Speaker
And so I used to feel very devastated when I was like, oh, I'm doing this thing that I thought would get him to commit to me.
00:37:25
Speaker
And if anything,
00:37:26
Speaker
It actually drove him away.
00:37:28
Speaker
And then I felt even more devastated because I'm not the kind of person who's above getting emotionally attached to someone through intercourse.
00:37:33
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:37:34
Speaker
Like I am a person who like for me, sharing my body with someone is a very intimate thing.
00:37:39
Speaker
It's something that's very vulnerable.
00:37:41
Speaker
I don't just do that with anybody.
00:37:43
Speaker
And when I used to, I mean, I didn't do it with just anybody back then either.
00:37:46
Speaker
But like the few times that I did do it, somebody that I wasn't that comfortable with.
00:37:49
Speaker
I ended up regretting it because I didn't feel ready.
00:37:52
Speaker
And also because, you know, I did it for very wrong reasons.
00:37:55
Speaker
I didn't do it because I wanted to.
00:37:56
Speaker
I did it because it was a way, it was a bartering chip that I used to get them to stay.
00:38:01
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:38:01
Speaker
It was free sex work.
00:38:02
Speaker
I hate to say it, that was what it was, right?
00:38:05
Speaker
It was a transaction that they'll give me a relationship if I do what they want.
00:38:09
Speaker
And so I ended up regretting it each and every time because I always felt like I was doing something wrong.
00:38:13
Speaker
And I would feel so devastated when they wouldn't call me back or when they would ghost me and stuff, because I'd be like, oh, my God, like I did something wrong, you know, and I thought this was the right thing to do.
00:38:21
Speaker
So why do I feel so horrible?
00:38:24
Speaker
And this time when this happened, I felt so fucking smug because I was like, not only did I do exactly what I said I would do that I came into that I was like, I'm at best going to give this cute little guy a kiss and make his life and then move on with my life.
00:38:36
Speaker
And, but like, you know, I didn't feel the regret or the guilt because I was like, I did not escalate the physical contact.
00:38:41
Speaker
Like I did not do the things I did not want to do.
00:38:43
Speaker
And look at how quickly his character was revealed when you didn't do what he wanted.
00:38:47
Speaker
Thank God.
00:38:48
Speaker
Right?
00:38:49
Speaker
Because if, what if you had, and then you had said, Hey, would you escort me?
00:38:52
Speaker
And he was like, no.
00:38:53
Speaker
I mean, can you imagine sort of the wound to your ego at that point?
00:38:57
Speaker
Exactly.
00:38:58
Speaker
Exactly.
00:38:59
Speaker
The wound to my ego and also like imagine the red flag, like I would have been slightly more emotionally invested that way.
00:39:04
Speaker
And then I would have been really hurt by that as opposed to just looking at him for what he was, which is a very petulant child.
00:39:09
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:39:10
Speaker
I looked at him like he was like a little baby throwing a tantrum being like, wow, mommy didn't give me her boobies.
00:39:15
Speaker
I know.
00:39:16
Speaker
Mommy.
00:39:20
Speaker
I didn't get the sugary tits I wanted.
00:39:23
Speaker
Yeah, that's exactly what it was.
00:39:25
Speaker
That was exactly what it was.
00:39:26
Speaker
I was just laughing to myself because I was like, I called it.
00:39:29
Speaker
I had a sense that obviously he wasn't sincere.
00:39:32
Speaker
Also, I'm not that stupid, right?
00:39:33
Speaker
Like obviously with the amount of effort he was putting in, he was trying to escalate like he wasn't love bombing, but he was trying to escalate physical contact, trying to like be very close and touchy feely and stuff.
00:39:42
Speaker
And like, honestly, I just put up with it because he's hot.
00:39:45
Speaker
I'm not even going to lie.
00:39:46
Speaker
Right.
00:39:47
Speaker
I'm not even going to lie.
00:39:48
Speaker
The hot makeout session is all well and good.
00:39:50
Speaker
There's nothing wrong with that sort of frivolity, right?
00:39:52
Speaker
Because you weren't placing importance on it and you were practicing reinforcing your boundaries.
00:39:56
Speaker
And like you said, this is the first time you really felt, I think, like you had stuck to exactly what you set out to do.
00:40:02
Speaker
Yep.
00:40:03
Speaker
I didn't feel taken advantage
Challenging Age Stereotypes in Dating
00:40:04
Speaker
of.
00:40:04
Speaker
And more than anything, it affirmed to me that this wall shit does not exist.
00:40:08
Speaker
They don't care.
00:40:09
Speaker
They don't care.
00:40:10
Speaker
He knew from the jump how old I was and it made no fucking difference to him.
00:40:13
Speaker
Now, of course, we can talk about, oh, but maybe they mean in terms of dating, maybe they don't want to date someone.
00:40:18
Speaker
Well, I should tell the listeners that on that retreat, there was another man who was married to a woman seven years older than him.
00:40:25
Speaker
And his wife is like a girl boss.
00:40:27
Speaker
OK, she's like awesome.
00:40:29
Speaker
She's phenomenal.
00:40:29
Speaker
She runs her own company and stuff.
00:40:30
Speaker
And he's like six years.
00:40:32
Speaker
He actually is seven or eight years younger than her.
00:40:34
Speaker
And yeah, he's like in his 30s and she's in her late 30s or early 40s or something and they're fine.
00:40:38
Speaker
Okay, so this idea that there's a wall and that men do not want you and that younger men will not want you.
00:40:43
Speaker
This is all cope that's made up by some guy who's upset about the fact that he's not getting any women at all.
00:40:49
Speaker
So like, don't think about like your attractiveness as something that like the second you hit like some arbitrary age mark, it just goes away.
00:40:55
Speaker
It doesn't, you know?
00:40:56
Speaker
And like, this is why mindset is very important because I could have gone into that interaction when he started showing attention to me being like, I wonder why he's so into me.
00:41:03
Speaker
Like, you know, why would he be into me?
00:41:05
Speaker
I'm 31.
00:41:05
Speaker
I'm so old.
00:41:06
Speaker
He's an actor.
00:41:07
Speaker
He's probably surrounded with all these good looking women all the time.
00:41:09
Speaker
Like what's so special about me?
00:41:11
Speaker
He's probably around hot women all the time.
00:41:13
Speaker
I could have driven myself crazy by thinking,
00:41:16
Speaker
you know, why is he into me?
00:41:17
Speaker
And then letting my insecurities drive that interaction.
00:41:20
Speaker
The first thought I had when he was into me was I was like, oh, at least he has taste.
00:41:23
Speaker
That's what I was thinking when you said that from the beginning, he was clearly into it.
00:41:27
Speaker
I was like, oh, well, he has good taste.
00:41:28
Speaker
Yeah, that's the first thing I thought.
00:41:31
Speaker
You know, you are the tastemaker.
00:41:33
Speaker
And so you can determine how much of a taste you want to give.
00:41:36
Speaker
But this is another part of the handbook that I think is really important.
00:41:39
Speaker
It's like, unless you're married, you are dating, you owe this man absolutely nothing.
00:41:45
Speaker
If anything, he owes it to you to demonstrate that he's operating in good faith, because we all know how easy it is to promise and say things and present a sort of facade of oneself.
00:41:55
Speaker
But as you pay attention to his actions, what is he actually doing to prove himself?
00:42:00
Speaker
How is he demonstrating his integrity?
00:42:01
Speaker
Exactly.
00:42:02
Speaker
He proved nothing.
00:42:04
Speaker
And I knew that from the jump as well.
00:42:05
Speaker
Right.
00:42:06
Speaker
I knew like, first of all, we have nothing in common.
00:42:08
Speaker
I was like, this is not a long term.
00:42:10
Speaker
This is no value to me right now.
00:42:12
Speaker
Leave low value or high value.
00:42:13
Speaker
This is no value to me right now.
00:42:15
Speaker
This is just something that I'm doing for fun out of boredom that I have no expectation of escalating or going anywhere.
00:42:20
Speaker
And I can shut it down and move on with my life.
00:42:22
Speaker
Right.
00:42:22
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, this is not a person that is consequential to me.
00:42:26
Speaker
Maybe I'm consequential to them.
00:42:27
Speaker
Maybe one day I'll become bigger than them.
00:42:29
Speaker
And he's going to be the one who tells his grandkids that, oh, my God, she kissed me one time.
00:42:32
Speaker
And it was like the biggest deal of my life.
00:42:33
Speaker
Good for you.
00:42:34
Speaker
I changed your life, baby.
00:42:35
Speaker
I hope you had a great, great day.
00:42:38
Speaker
Go live a good life.
00:42:39
Speaker
Goodbye.
00:42:41
Speaker
So yes, this is the wall at 30.
00:42:42
Speaker
And I know a lot of times women will say, well, okay, maybe we're still attractive and they still want to fuck us.
00:42:46
Speaker
But I want more than that.
00:42:47
Speaker
I want somebody who wants relationship.
00:42:49
Speaker
And a lot of men will say, well, your eggs are already, your ovaries are already drying up, blah, blah, blah.
00:42:53
Speaker
First of all, women can have children while into their 40s.
00:42:56
Speaker
If they want to.
00:42:58
Speaker
Secondly, men are the ones who's declining fertility, who is actually responsible for many of the issues with children who are born to older parents.
00:43:07
Speaker
It's not the woman.
00:43:09
Speaker
It's the male sperm that has deteriorated that causes those issues.
00:43:12
Speaker
So if you look at things biologically, everything that they're saying to us is a projection.
00:43:16
Speaker
It's a cult.
00:43:17
Speaker
It is.
00:43:17
Speaker
And, you know, at the end of the day, this is why we shouldn't place too much value on their opinions of us.
00:43:22
Speaker
Because, you know, again, even in this interaction, I could have allowed him to drive the interaction and then obsessed over what he was doing the entire time and being like, will he call me?
00:43:30
Speaker
What does he want?
00:43:31
Speaker
Does he want more from me?
00:43:32
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:43:32
Speaker
Like, did I play this totally wrong?
00:43:34
Speaker
I could have been obsessing over this to the point where I was like, does he want to date me?
00:43:37
Speaker
Should I message him?
00:43:38
Speaker
Like, and years ago, I would have done that.
00:43:39
Speaker
Years ago, I'd have been like, why isn't he calling me?
00:43:41
Speaker
Why isn't he texting me?
00:43:42
Speaker
Maybe I should just text him to initiate so that he knows that I'm into him.
00:43:44
Speaker
Like, no, he knows.
00:43:45
Speaker
Okay.
00:43:46
Speaker
He knows.
00:43:47
Speaker
Like he just doesn't want to do those things.
00:43:49
Speaker
Correct.
00:43:50
Speaker
And we don't want anybody who doesn't want to do them.
00:43:52
Speaker
Yeah, which is fine.
00:43:53
Speaker
I don't want to do it either.
00:43:54
Speaker
But at the same time, like there was no intention of me like, again, nothing in common.
00:43:59
Speaker
For me, in order for me to even be physical with someone, I would have to like be in a committed relationship with them for a while.
00:44:06
Speaker
And they would have had to have a heavy financial investment in me.
00:44:08
Speaker
Like if I did this frivolous thing with you, count yourself out already because I don't see you as a serious
Efficient Vetting in Relationships
00:44:13
Speaker
option.
00:44:13
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:44:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:44:14
Speaker
Like I only consider the people that I'm seeing as serious options.
00:44:17
Speaker
And let's be real, Diana.
00:44:18
Speaker
We've heard from men again and again.
00:44:20
Speaker
It's not that I want to place the emphasis on men's interpretation of our behavior.
00:44:26
Speaker
What I am is using all of the evidence they have provided us.
00:44:29
Speaker
To note, listeners, they have often said they don't consider women who marry them or they don't want to marry women who sleep with them in the first, second, third date.
00:44:39
Speaker
You're just a good time girl.
00:44:40
Speaker
I don't think that's true, but that is how they view us.
00:44:43
Speaker
So if you need any sort of encouragement as far as having intimacy be something that's only granted to a very, very select few after very careful and extensive vetting, that's one thing.
00:44:54
Speaker
But, you know, free prostitution for men who are going to drop you like a bad habit, maybe leave you with an STD and or an unwanted child.
00:45:02
Speaker
And particularly in the areas where we live in in the world, it is increasingly dangerous for women to end up pregnant.
00:45:07
Speaker
It's literally a life or death situation.
00:45:10
Speaker
And so for 30 seconds of his pleasure, you're going to imperil your entire existence.
00:45:15
Speaker
Please don't.
00:45:16
Speaker
Exactly.
00:45:17
Speaker
And also, let me just bring up this point.
00:45:18
Speaker
If being a strict babe and having boundaries like I did resulted in this man behaving in this really cold and emotionally immature way, which was a ginormous red flag, right?
00:45:27
Speaker
Because clearly he doesn't have the mental maturity needed for any kind of relationship.
00:45:32
Speaker
If that could do that to him, you have to think about like, okay,
00:45:35
Speaker
I'm vetting and I'm holding my boundaries and standards to weed out the people who are unworthy.
00:45:40
Speaker
And this guy has proven that by his red flag behavior, right?
00:45:43
Speaker
I don't need to invest any more time in this or mental energy.
00:45:46
Speaker
This is a quick block and delete and never think about again.
00:45:49
Speaker
But the truth is that part of being a strict girlie is knowing that if you're strict, he actually respects you more.
00:45:55
Speaker
The right kind of man would look at that and be like, I really appreciate that she has boundaries.
00:45:59
Speaker
If anything, I want to work harder for a favor.
00:46:01
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:46:03
Speaker
Yes, it's human nature.
00:46:04
Speaker
And this is something, so I teach piano.
00:46:07
Speaker
And, you know, in my general day-to-day, I'm a very laid-back, Midwestern, sweet.
00:46:13
Speaker
In fact, Minnesota nice is actually, like, basically a phrase that people know in the Midwest.
00:46:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:18
Speaker
I can't not be nice unless I really try hard.
00:46:22
Speaker
And even then it's, it's just, it's unnatural.
00:46:24
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:46:25
Speaker
It's not that I can't be cutting.
00:46:26
Speaker
It's just, I don't like to be.
00:46:28
Speaker
But what's funny is I'm bringing this up because with all of my students and I've got quite a variety, quite a variety of ages, all of the students, they have a lot of respect for me.
00:46:37
Speaker
And the parents have brought it up to me how much they love that I'm strict with their children and
00:46:42
Speaker
And I can tell that the kids don't expect it when I first get there.
00:46:45
Speaker
Because again, the whole aura I have, just how my face is shaped, I look like I'm just going to be like the sweetest little auntie in the world.
00:46:54
Speaker
And I am, but not when I'm teaching piano, because we have serious business to conduct.
00:47:00
Speaker
And I take it with the utmost gravity, the responsibility I have when I'm put in charge of teaching children this instrument.
00:47:06
Speaker
And it's so funny how like I can just tell the kids are sort of taken aback because they're not used to this level of strictness from adults in this day and age.
00:47:14
Speaker
I'm very old fashioned.
00:47:15
Speaker
I'm very old school.
00:47:16
Speaker
And what I can see is with time, the respect and the trust and the admiration that grows in their face and in our relationship, it's really heartening to see because as humans, we just want somebody who's going to toe the line and be consistent and have integrity.
00:47:31
Speaker
And I think that's something that we really underestimate about men is that they also want that from us.
00:47:36
Speaker
It's helpful as a strategy, right?
00:47:38
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, when you are strict, right, like the point of finding the one person that will actually be a viable candidate is that you have to weed through a lot of bullshit.
00:47:47
Speaker
And if you're wasting your time investing so much of your emotional energy in each and every prospect, you're going to wind up jaded and bitter.
00:47:55
Speaker
And this is what happens to a lot of women, right?
00:47:56
Speaker
This is why we have like the whole fem cell epidemic.
00:47:59
Speaker
It's because you are burning yourself out trying and you shouldn't be.
00:48:03
Speaker
The second somebody switches up on you and gives you behavior you don't like, like this guy did, just don't even be emotional about it.
00:48:09
Speaker
Like what is there to care about?
00:48:11
Speaker
What is there to actually worry about in the situation?
00:48:14
Speaker
Okay, shit behavior does not warrant a response from me.
00:48:17
Speaker
It doesn't warrant emotional energy from me.
00:48:20
Speaker
I'm bringing this as a fun story for us to discuss now.
00:48:23
Speaker
But tomorrow, when I go back to bed, I'm not going to remember this.
00:48:25
Speaker
I'm going to be focused on the next thing that I have to work on because my life has a lot of meaning in it.
00:48:30
Speaker
I already have enough things going on, right?
00:48:32
Speaker
When you're strict and when you see people are wasting your time, you have to be disciplined enough and strict enough to be like, yeah, I'm moving away from this because this doesn't serve me in any way in a very unemotional way.
00:48:42
Speaker
I think people get very tied up in like begging and bartering and turning back to people.
00:48:45
Speaker
Why are you doing this?
00:48:46
Speaker
Why are you treating me this way?
00:48:47
Speaker
You know, I love you so much.
00:48:48
Speaker
You know, I'm this like, why are you doing this?
00:48:50
Speaker
Stop wasting your time doing that.
00:48:52
Speaker
Start reading their actions for what it is.
00:48:53
Speaker
Lack of interest.
00:48:54
Speaker
They don't care enough to put that kind of effort in.
00:48:57
Speaker
And instead of making excuses for their behavior, cut them off and move on.
00:49:01
Speaker
You know, should we talk a little bit about the burnt haystack dating method?
00:49:03
Speaker
Because I'm hearing.
00:49:04
Speaker
I was thinking this is a perfect pivot into the burnt haystack.
00:49:07
Speaker
So what have you learned about the burnt haystack method and who does it most apply to or who's been using it the most?
00:49:13
Speaker
So I've been seeing this come out of Reddit spaces from like the dating over 40 women.
00:49:17
Speaker
I think that's where it originated.
00:49:18
Speaker
There's a woman whose name I'm forgetting, who was like behind this particular dating method.
00:49:23
Speaker
But essentially, it's that, you know, how do you find a needle in a haystack?
00:49:26
Speaker
You burn it.
00:49:27
Speaker
Right.
00:49:27
Speaker
And point is that it's like a very ruthless strategy of vetting through the men who don't fulfill like the basic expectations of like, you know.
00:49:34
Speaker
This is very dating app oriented because it's like, oh, if he has like shirtless pics and he's always at the gym and like all this other like sketchy stuff.
00:49:40
Speaker
But I mean, again, those are easy vets, right?
00:49:43
Speaker
Like you just have to block through those people because obviously they're not viable candidates.
00:49:46
Speaker
But the point is, is that like the way that we would use it for our purposes here is that the second you find that he does something that is not to your expectations or your taste.
00:49:55
Speaker
You don't sit around indulging him, engaging him, enabling him, and then trying to tutor him into being a better boyfriend.
00:50:00
Speaker
Okay?
00:50:00
Speaker
You just move the fuck on because the world is a big, big place.
00:50:03
Speaker
There's lots of people out there.
00:50:05
Speaker
And you will find someone who will do all of that without breaking a sweat.
00:50:08
Speaker
Okay?
00:50:08
Speaker
You don't have to invest your time trying to beg, barter, steal, and, you know...
00:50:13
Speaker
All kinds of criminal acts in order to get somebody to actually display a bare minimum level of human emotion and register like human decency for you.
00:50:21
Speaker
You don't need to do that.
00:50:22
Speaker
We've convinced ourselves that we have to be like performing acrobatics, you know, for these men just to get them to be interested.
00:50:28
Speaker
And you really, really don't.
00:50:29
Speaker
right?
00:50:30
Speaker
That's the bare minimum is like, you're doing these things.
00:50:32
Speaker
You're standing firm to your boundaries because it exposes, first of all, the only kind of person who gets upset about you standing firm with your boundaries is a person who has no interest in respecting them to begin with.
00:50:41
Speaker
So that itself is your first red flag.
00:50:43
Speaker
If you have a boundary with someone and their first response, this is just general.
00:50:46
Speaker
This is not just, you know, when it comes to dating.
00:50:48
Speaker
If somebody's first response to you having a boundary with them is to get unreasonably upset and overreact,
00:50:54
Speaker
you already know that this person is not invested in your best interest.
00:50:58
Speaker
They have no interest in actually making you happy because they see your boundaries as an interference or an inconvenience to them getting what they want.
00:51:05
Speaker
And at the end of the day, your boundaries exist to make you feel comfortable, not to make them feel comfortable.
00:51:10
Speaker
And a person who is genuinely a good person is not, they're going to try to waste your time, but they're also not going to try to encroach your space or invade your personal boundaries in a way that is disrespectful to you because at the end of the day, they want to be in your life.
00:51:21
Speaker
So they're going to take heed and listen to you and take their cues from you because they're going to be like, this person doesn't like this.
00:51:26
Speaker
I'm not going to do it.
00:51:27
Speaker
And they're going to respect the fact that you're strict because it's going to make them work harder.
00:51:30
Speaker
If that's not what happens, like in this situation, that's not what happened.
00:51:33
Speaker
It didn't motivate him to be a better person at all, which I was expecting, but still, that's not a viable candidate.
00:51:38
Speaker
Right.
00:51:38
Speaker
I think something you mentioned was how this is a technique that you've especially been reading about for older women, like women over 30, women over 40, because I think women at that stage, it's interesting that you mentioned earlier how younger girlies might have a harder time taking this advice.
00:51:53
Speaker
I don't know if that's true.
00:51:54
Speaker
I think a lot of times they just don't know where to access this information.
00:51:58
Speaker
Right.
00:51:58
Speaker
in this sort of wisdom, because we all tend to be in silos of our own interests, age, gender, generation.
00:52:05
Speaker
I mean, especially with social media, they really do make sure we're all sort of separated and atomized.
00:52:10
Speaker
In order to find some of this information, you have to really be diligent and you have to have some sort of luck as well.
00:52:14
Speaker
I mean, I was really lucky that I ended up on FDS.
00:52:17
Speaker
I only ended up there because I kept reading in other feminist subreddits.
00:52:21
Speaker
People kept mentioning FDS and I was like, what is this FDS, right?
00:52:24
Speaker
Because they're like, oh yeah, well they say this on FDS, but we all know that's ridiculous.
00:52:27
Speaker
And I was like, actually, what you just said sounded reasonable to me.
00:52:30
Speaker
So I went looking for it.
00:52:32
Speaker
That's always the beginning.
00:52:33
Speaker
That's always the beginning.
00:52:34
Speaker
That sounds reasonable to me.
00:52:35
Speaker
Yes, right.
00:52:36
Speaker
And so I think especially older women are using this burn hands, haystack method, because it's like, one, we don't have the time anymore.
00:52:43
Speaker
Two, we've woken up to the reality of how many low effort, low value males there are in the world.
00:52:49
Speaker
I would venture that they're the majority.
00:52:52
Speaker
Certainly, we've seen that there are tens of millions of them voting for Donald Trump.
00:52:55
Speaker
And so in order to not waste our time and our goodwill, our energy, our sweetness, I don't want to become bitter and cynical.
00:53:03
Speaker
That was another reason why I had to leave my family of origin.
00:53:05
Speaker
Like I was becoming really, really embittered with the poor treatment I had been putting up with 40 years.
00:53:12
Speaker
And this is another reason why I think life has been going so much better for me.
00:53:15
Speaker
I'm just a happier person now that I'm not being persecuted by the relatives who are related to me by blood, you know, but not by love or care.
00:53:23
Speaker
And that's the whole point.
00:53:24
Speaker
Yes.
00:53:25
Speaker
That's the whole point, right?
00:53:26
Speaker
Like the point is the reason why they adopt this method, you know, we can adapt it to our own
Prioritizing Self-Care and Well-Being
00:53:31
Speaker
purpose.
00:53:31
Speaker
But the reason they adopted this method is because the more time you invest in bad prospects, the more time you're wasting and the more likely you are to become bitter, cynical and jaded.
00:53:40
Speaker
Because after a point you meet that many shitty prospects, you are going to feel like the world is a piece of shit.
00:53:45
Speaker
Because that's human nature.
00:53:47
Speaker
If you have so many bad experiences back to back, it's inevitable that your general feeling about the world is that it's a terrible place to be in.
00:53:53
Speaker
And why wouldn't you think that way?
00:53:55
Speaker
So that's why we say you have to be kind of ruthless and unemotional when it comes to getting rid of and weeding out the ones who are not for you.
00:54:01
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, they are not important.
00:54:04
Speaker
And you have to de-center and not place too much value on men's opinions and what they want.
00:54:08
Speaker
And this is why blocking and deleting is very important.
00:54:09
Speaker
Because once they know that you're slightly into them in any way, they always try to like...
00:54:14
Speaker
come back.
00:54:15
Speaker
They always do this boomerang thing of coming back a year later and being like, hey, are you still up?
00:54:19
Speaker
Do you want to go out and get some ice cream or go for a walk or whatever, whatever stupid, go for a coffee or something?
00:54:26
Speaker
They will come back to waste your time to see if you're still stupid.
00:54:28
Speaker
That's why you have to block and delete them and move on because the second you know that they're not going to fulfill your needs, you are wasting time by sitting and entertaining them or trying to train them into being better partners.
00:54:38
Speaker
Do not waste your time.
00:54:39
Speaker
The second that you know that somebody is not a fit, you have to move on because all the time you're spending with the wrong prospects is time you're taking away from the good prospects, you know?
00:54:48
Speaker
And those are the prospects you actually want to be with.
00:54:50
Speaker
Like, why would you want to waste your time with a person who is not even the right person for you?
00:54:53
Speaker
Seems like a waste of time to me.
00:54:54
Speaker
And our time is the most precious thing that we ever have because we can't make any more of it and we can't get any of it back.
00:55:01
Speaker
Okay.
00:55:01
Speaker
Time is more precious than money.
00:55:04
Speaker
I think the only thing that's on par with time is your health.
00:55:07
Speaker
Right.
00:55:08
Speaker
And so like, think about the fact that the more time you spend with people who are disrespectful or just simply uncaring, that is a detriment to your health, to your long-term health, to your stress levels, to your cortisol, to your weight.
00:55:20
Speaker
All of this is related.
00:55:21
Speaker
And especially women, I feel like we have been trained to be so sensitive and attuned to everybody else.
00:55:26
Speaker
And again, this is to our own detriment.
00:55:28
Speaker
If somebody is making you get a pit
00:55:30
Speaker
in the middle of your stomach, or if somebody is causing your chest to get all tight and anxious, these are signs your body is telling you, burn it down, walk away, move on to the next.
00:55:41
Speaker
There's never going to be a paucity of individuals for you to vet.
00:55:45
Speaker
And the sooner you move on to the next, the closer you get, ideally, to who you ultimately want to end up with.
00:55:51
Speaker
Exactly.
00:55:52
Speaker
What else did you want to say?
00:55:53
Speaker
Because I think we're about to wrap it up.
00:55:54
Speaker
But I feel like we've really covered a lot of ground.
00:55:56
Speaker
And of course, the FTS handbook is such fertile, rich earth.
00:56:01
Speaker
It's such a gold mine.
00:56:02
Speaker
And so to our listeners, again, you can still get this, you can still access it, I believe you can download it from the FTS subreddit.
00:56:08
Speaker
And I think also from the blog forum that's been set up.
00:56:11
Speaker
Exactly.
00:56:12
Speaker
And also, you know, please do use the blog forum and give us feedback.
00:56:15
Speaker
We'd love to hear back from you and see how you like our episodes, because we've been doing this for a little while now.
00:56:19
Speaker
And, you know, we'd love to hear some feedback and see how we're doing.
00:56:22
Speaker
Thanks for bringing that up, Diana, actually, because I've been going on to all of our Spotify's and like looking to see if anybody has been saying anything.
00:56:28
Speaker
I'm like, are they listening?
00:56:29
Speaker
Is anybody listening?
00:56:30
Speaker
Hello?
00:56:31
Speaker
Yeah, I'm really so curious and so eager.
00:56:34
Speaker
I don't even care if it's negative feedback, like a good critique.
00:56:37
Speaker
I always appreciate a good critique.
00:56:39
Speaker
I mean, that's the nature of being in the arts, right?
00:56:41
Speaker
Usually don't get complimented, you get critiqued.
00:56:44
Speaker
So that's sort of the default position for me.
00:56:45
Speaker
But I'm always happy and willing to listen to a critique offered in good faith to improve in any way that I can.
00:56:51
Speaker
And I've been having such a delightful time recording this with you, Diana, I just want us to get stronger and stronger.
00:56:56
Speaker
Me too.
00:56:57
Speaker
And I think we are getting stronger and stronger, but obviously we will get a lot stronger with your feedback and your help.
00:57:02
Speaker
And so please do reach out to us.
00:57:04
Speaker
And as always, I'm just going to tell you once again that, you know, working on your mindset and focusing on your own self and decentering men.
00:57:11
Speaker
is going to be the ticket to you having a better life, whether you choose to partner with a man or not.
00:57:15
Speaker
So, you know, please take that advice to heart, to heart.
00:57:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:57:20
Speaker
And reread the handbook because I'm so sick and tired of telling, saying the same thing over and over again, read the handbook, read the handbook.
00:57:25
Speaker
I feel like I sound like a broken clock now.
00:57:27
Speaker
So please leave him, read the handbook and leave him.
00:57:29
Speaker
These are my two stock phrases.
00:57:33
Speaker
Exactly.
00:57:34
Speaker
Dump him.
00:57:35
Speaker
Dump him.
00:57:36
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:57:37
Speaker
Dump him.
00:57:38
Speaker
Move on.
00:57:39
Speaker
A la Pubelle.
00:57:40
Speaker
And as always, die mad, scrotes.
00:57:43
Speaker
Die mad.
00:57:45
Speaker
Until next time.