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Unironically They Wrapped the Pig in a Blanket
466 Plays2 years ago
Did you know that 1 out of every 3 people will spontaneously combust? Wait...maybe it was 1 out of every 300? Or 1 every 300 years? I can't remember. No one listens to Greg. Join us as we welcome a very special guest and chat about spontaneous human combustion. Or. SHC, as the hip, young people call it.
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Transcript
Introduction and Comedy Bloopers
00:00:00
Speaker
We got to include all this in the show because it's kind of funny. All of it? No, we've never done that before. That's true. It's just this actress.
What is 'History Defeats Itself'?
00:00:18
Speaker
History Defeats Itself is a comedy podcast. Kevin, John, and Greg are not experts, historians, or even all that smart.
Show Format and Suspense
00:00:31
Speaker
Welcome to History Defeats itself, a comedy podcast that looks at events or people from the past and wonders, why do we never learn from our history? Only one of us knows the topic and the other two are in the dark learning as we go right along with you.
Meet the Hosts and Special Guest
00:00:43
Speaker
My name is Kevin and I am joined by my co-hosts, John and Greg, as well as a very special guest. Greg, would you like to introduce the special guest today? Yes, the special guest is my secret guest and his name is Darren. He's my brother.
00:01:01
Speaker
Hi, Darren. I love you guys. Love you too.
Why is Consent Important in Comedy?
00:01:07
Speaker
Fast friends. That's inappropriate. You gotta ask for consent before you can say I love you. Yeah, we're big on consent on this show. I feel like I know you. We're very big on consent. I listen so often. I feel like I know you. So coming out the gate, I just want to say, Darren, you're a little too insecure and Greg, you don't listen.
00:01:25
Speaker
I guess it's true. Yeah. That's a call back to what our mother told us about our personality quirks. She actually, you know what, she wasn't really, she phrased it in such a way that she wasn't making fun of us or ridiculing us. She blamed herself. And then she complained about the temperature of the weather and she put on a shawl.
00:01:50
Speaker
She's 80. Well, Greg's not 80 that I know of, and he complains about the temperature all the time. He does. I complain about it, I just discuss it. You just acknowledge it?
00:02:00
Speaker
Yeah. I got a sweet spot where I don't talk about, John knows this. I think from mid 70s to mid 80s, I probably won't say that much about the temperature. Well, if it's humid, it needs to be, the humidity needs to be around about 22%. It needs to be between 77 and 79 degrees and you need, and it can't be too sunny and not too cloudy. 77 to 79 degrees.
00:02:25
Speaker
So 78. So basically, we don't have a lot to work with here. It's a good thing you live here. Yeah. Yeah, if you live in the right spot, I suppose. Jen keeps looking over my shoulder to try and sneak a peek at the topic. I don't really care that much. I don't really know. Join the club here and join the club.
Social Media Update
00:02:44
Speaker
Follow us on Instagram, and we do have a TikTok, although I haven't posted on there in a long time. TikTok's probably going to get banned anyway, so who gives a shit, right?
00:02:55
Speaker
Twitter got deleted, by the way. By us. Whoa, you didn't do it? Did you do it? I did it, yeah. Remember we had a whole text conversation about it. I don't listen to you when you text. Are you sure it was at Elon? Yeah, well, he could have. It's possible. He didn't realize he actually deleted it. Yeah, I think we had talked about just getting rid of it. Okay. You hadn't posted on there in like eight months. Oh, I forgot the password.
00:03:22
Speaker
And I changed, like, phones. I got a new phone. Pretty sure there's ways to find the password. Yeah, I didn't want to do that. Yeah. It was Elon one, two, three. Elon with an A though. We also post these episodes as video podcasts. So head to YouTube and check that out. And lastly, if you find yourself longing for more of my sultry voice, I joined another podcast and it's called the BLPA Big Show.
Greg's New Podcast Adventure
00:03:47
Speaker
It's mostly about beer league hockey. And we also talk NHL and other sports life stuff.
00:03:51
Speaker
Whatever comes up, episodes are streamed live on Tuesdays at 6 30 p.m. Mountain Time on Facebook and Twitch. And there's a live chat feature so you can jump on and chime in. We did one kind of like small tester episode type thing with just some just for the beer for the beer league that he's a part of. And I got a lot of shit. I got a lot of shit about the Blackhawks t-shirt that I that I was wearing. I also got a lot of shit about my map.
00:04:16
Speaker
I thought you guys would appreciate that. Did they say anything about your bangs? Nothing about bangs. Nothing about bangs. Nothing about being pasty white. They did not talk about that, but it is a hockey podcast, so I feel like I was in good company. What's wrong with the map? I don't know if John and Greg make fun of my map. It's fucking stupid. Well, it's first of all, first of all, the world's not orange, is it? I don't know that. You don't know that. I've been to space. According to that, it's flat, too. We're even in Arizona? It's true.
00:04:46
Speaker
Hey, so, uh, yeah, you guys, if you want to join me for my new podcast, I'll be at the McDonald's on the corner of Tampa and Balboa. And, uh, maybe join me for McRib. If you'd like to join me in my hand job booth, I'll be.
00:05:03
Speaker
I'll be in a mall coming to you while you come on me. I mean, you're going to be the only way. You're going to be the only actual business in the mall. It'll be you and like the pretzel place. And that's it. So come on down and get yourself a handy and a pretzel. In what order? You know what? That's on you. That's up to you to decide. Well, I'm thinking, I'm thinking pretzel, handy pretzel. So it's like a, it's like a handy sandwich, if you will.
00:05:29
Speaker
You better squeeze a nap in or something. Well, after. After the second pretzel, you get to get a nap in. Wait a minute. Aren't you running the hand job booth?
00:05:38
Speaker
I mean, it's, it's a booth. How hard can it be to run it and do the hand jobs? You're giving it a pan job and then you're getting another pretzel. Yeah. No, no, no. I'm not making pretzels. I don't understand. I'm not, I'm not making pretzels. I'm just giving out hand jobs. That's a different business. We went over this business model. Okay. I'm on board. I get it. I don't understand what the fuck you're so confused about Kevin. Yeah.
00:06:08
Speaker
Well, I, you know what? It's not what it gives them self hand jobs. Okay. So it's really a masturbation studio. It's not, it's not the same exact kiosk that I thought it was. It's a, it's called public indecency. So it's catchy title. No, you can also download the podcast version of the BLPA big show on Wednesday morning. So check it out. Uh, and yeah, I hope you, I hope you listen, Greg, you should, you should jump on Tuesday nights and make fun of me.
00:06:34
Speaker
I will definitely do that. Yeah. Hey, what's what's the over under on how soon Darren leaves? I
Teaser: Spontaneous Human Combustion
00:06:41
Speaker
saw a lot of your left. It depends on your topic, I suppose. Speaking of, it is your turn since you and you brought the guest on for it. So, hey, man, let's do it. I'm ready if you are.
00:06:51
Speaker
Okay. Well, I'm ready to go. So, uh, this week's topic has absolutely nothing to do with my brother, but you know, he's going to participate anyway. Cause it's something that he knows an awful lot about.
Diving into Spontaneous Human Combustion
00:07:02
Speaker
But he does not know the topic either. You said, huh? He does not know the topic. All right. I like it. Can I guess, can I guess the topic? Is it disappointing your mother?
00:07:16
Speaker
Yes, history will be repeating itself. We fully explored that topic all week. So yeah, something different. We got to call her really quickly and put her on.
00:07:28
Speaker
That would be awesome. No, it would not be awesome. It would be bad. I've never even met her, but I think I can do the voice. Gregory! Pretty close. This is your mother. It used to be higher pitched, but it's come down. In the last six years, it's gotten kind of deep. That's why I didn't go outside because I knew that.
00:07:48
Speaker
It sounds, it's like a more somber, uh, uh, judicial lady than it, it used to be like a hyper excited one and now it's like a somber disappointed look. It's not good. It's like, Gregory, I can't believe you want me to have white furniture.
00:08:04
Speaker
What the fuck is your problem? I don't think that was the problem, actually. The problem was that you didn't ask her. Oh, Gregory. I can't believe you didn't consider my feelings when you selected my furniture from IKEA. Does she say fuck or no? No, I added that in for... Oh, I was just curious. I don't know. I don't know. Some moms drop the occasional up bomb. She's no stranger to profanity. Okay. In multiple languages.
00:08:32
Speaker
Nice. Really? Yeah. Explain. She can curse in Yiddish. Oh, those are the worst. They're rough. Then you know you're in trouble. Yeah, our father was the frequent target of that. Well, he could curse in flight. He did well in English and French. Yeah. What was the topic? Can I get to the fucking topic? Dude, you're just fucking rambling. Just go, go. On today's episode, we're going to talk about... Wait a minute. I can't read.
00:09:02
Speaker
Okay, on today's episode, we're going to talk more about a topic as opposed to a person or persons who have fucked up, but not friends because it will still be fucked up. Today, we will discuss an explosive issue that is sure to fire you all up because today's episode, we discuss spontaneous human combustion. What have we learned?
00:09:30
Speaker
I've always been very curious about that idea. How do you stop it? Like, how do you not make it happen? How do you stop it? Yeah, because the whole, it's like, it's like, you know, do we defeat ourselves? Does it repeat itself? Like, I mean, that's not really like a choice. You'll actually, I answer that question. Oh. In a little while. And you might not want to stop it.
00:09:54
Speaker
Okay, okay. I feel like there's very few instances where I'd want to stop. I wouldn't want to stop it, but anyway, continue. Okay, sure. Thanks. Yeah, no problem. No problem. Just to get a little ... I got to get this question out there. Have any of you guys ever spontaneously compressed with me? Not my whole body. Oh, I think he stuck him in his balls.
00:10:18
Speaker
Yep. You guys know? Uh, I'm glad you asked, Craig, cause I have a story for this. So no, I did. I have not. I have not. Um, not in this life anyway. All right, guys. So even though spontaneous human combustion is clearly obvious by its name, I'm going to take some time to define it just in case you find yourself in a situation
00:11:10
Speaker
in which you are combusting and you don't know what to call it.
00:11:11
Speaker
Spontaneous human combustion, which I might refer to as SHC, is the pseudoscientific concept of the combustion of a living or recently deceased human body. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Deceased? Well, living or deceased. Living or deceased. Right, no, I get that. According to Greg, it has to be recently deceased. Okay. So it's not gonna happen when you're buried.
00:11:37
Speaker
Well, oh, that's a good point. We should go dig up everybody. They're all burned up. Yeah. You think we should dig up every body or everybody? Yep. Well, it was every body, but it could also be everybody. That is confusing. Yes. Yes. I just realized that's what that word means.
00:12:03
Speaker
Something, though, that we should talk about. Maybe not right now, but it's pseudoscience and what pseudoscience means, right? Yeah, that's why we brought Darren. Darren said pseudoscience. I'm asking you. Well, pseudoscience is science. It's actually not based in science. It's people's... Let's just call them... Trumpers? Trumpers. Yeah, let's just call them Trumpers. And conspiracy theorists. Sound scientific, right? Yeah. It uses lingo that makes it sound legitimate, but it's not, I think.
00:12:39
Speaker
He's smarter better-looking more athletic more successful better father Way less annoying I'll say that way less annoying way less annoying
00:12:55
Speaker
I feel like he doesn't struggle with anxiety. He's never knocked out any of his teeth or broken his nose, so. It's because I'm not as adventurous. Oh, look at him. I'm not as ambitious. Well, he's not as tall. It's true. He's not as tall. That's changing. He's tricking faster than I am. Okay. I'm not excited. So Darren is three foot 11.
00:13:17
Speaker
He's actually not sitting down right now. He's standing up. I had him buy a phone book. What's a phone book? He's standing on the internet. Way to go, Darren. We've lost all our Gen Z listeners. Although we just spiked in Boomers. We're just crushing the Boomer market. There's a lot of them. And they got money to spend. Oh man, they do. That's right.
00:13:45
Speaker
Okay, I didn't get through the first sentence yet, so thanks to Darren and his pseudoscientific combustion analytics. My next topic is to be on timeshares, so we can keep that. Boomers hanging out with us. Okay, so the other part about it is- Creamed life insurance. So this either living or recently deceased human body, you got to combust without an external source of ignition.
00:14:15
Speaker
It's a belief that the fire starts within the body of the victim, which I don't understand why they need to blame the victim at this point. I believe it's called victim shaming. You're not always catching yourself on fire internally. Dumbass lighting himself on fire from the inside. I told you not to drink that gas and light that match.
00:14:39
Speaker
That would imply that the fire was external, buddy. This means you have to pour gasoline down your mouth and send a match inside. Right, which happens inside you, not outside you. Do you think the match would stay lit? I don't think so. It's spontaneous. I mean, it works. It bugs bunny cartoons. If you put a bunch of gasoline in your mouth, down your throat, it's going to for sure stay lit. Hold on. I'm going to try.
00:15:07
Speaker
This idea and the term spontaneous human combustion were both first proposed in 1746 by Paul Rolley, a fellow of the Royal Society. Sounds really pretentious. How would you like to be a fellow at the Royal... Not only are you a fellow, I'm actually a fellow. You're a fellow? Yeah, okay. All right, Darren went down a notch now. At least Greg isn't quite that pretentious. That's true.
00:15:37
Speaker
Okay. In an article published in the Philosophical Transactions concerning the mysterious death of Countess Cornelia Sangria Bandy. So apparently she was the first one that was recorded of dying from spontaneous human combustion. Did you say Sangria? I did say Sangria. Yes. I think we know why people internally combust.
00:16:02
Speaker
I'm a, I'm a, I'm a red sangria kind of guy. How about you? Me too. I just had some, I went to a local Peruvian restaurant and they make their own sangria. And it's hard not to just drink that until you pass up. Yeah. Her name was Gary. Her name was what? Did I say it wrong?
00:16:23
Speaker
Maybe this is an Gary not sangria or sangria. He didn't say. Oh, yeah, you did. I can play it back, but I'm pretty sure it was sangria and now I kind of want some sangria. So I just want to say I'm trying to liven up the name of alcohol. So so Greg gives me and I just want to. OK, you don't know. Don't talk.
00:16:43
Speaker
I am terrible at English. I'm terrible at English. So, but Greg constantly gives me shit about, I misspell a word, I'll say a word wrong. And so to watch this happen. Oh, this is Darren. I love you. You're really happy to serve. Yeah. Provide that service.
00:17:00
Speaker
Yeah, notice it's not comedy he's providing. No. Don't care. It's joy for me is what he's doing. Tell me what else you need, John. Just keep doing what you're doing. Did you just meet you, Darren?
Is Pseudoscience Behind Spontaneous Combustion?
00:17:12
Speaker
It's like John Banks' version of a jet ski.
00:17:16
Speaker
He could not possibly have more fun. It's true. Okay. Writing in the British Medical Journal. You want to read this? Writing in the, it's the first time I've read it. It's not like I've rehearsed. Writing in the British Medical Journal in 1938, corner Gavin Thurston. Say that right. Thank you. Describes a phenomenon.
00:17:42
Speaker
as having apparently attracted the attention, not only of the medical profession, but of the laity fucking lady 100 years ago. So now Darren is please explain to these lay people what laity means.
00:18:03
Speaker
It means non-religious leaders. No, it actually just means lay people. I said it in the fucking sentence. Darren fucked up. It's one for Darren and one for Greg. You know, here's the thing. I think it's like 37 for Darren and one for Greg. I think it was lay. Is the word they used?
00:18:24
Speaker
Huh. Wait, lady, lady usually has a religious connotation. People who are not, who are having a little buddy. It just means lay people, the lay people. Yeah. Let's hear the definite. I can Google it. Does anyone else have a vocabulary erection? How do you spell that? L A I T Y. Keep going.
00:18:51
Speaker
Alright, while you're looking it up, lay people as distinct from the clergy. Oh, we were both fucking right. That's adorable. That's pretty good. Nooks. They're my secret thing that no one else does. Never seen anyone do that before. You know what you guys should do? You should blow it up after. That's what you should do. Oh, that's super unique. Yes.
00:19:18
Speaker
He didn't realize that. I didn't. But it made perfect sense for this episode.
00:19:24
Speaker
In his 1995 book, A Blaze, guess what that's about? Larry E. Arnold, a director of Parascience International, wrote, there's gotta be one member in this, Larry, wrote that there had been about 200 cited reports of spontaneous human combustion worldwide over a period of around 300 years. So think about how lucky you would be to spontaneously combust. There's less than one a year. Not a lot of people are doing it, man. No.
00:19:53
Speaker
It's definitely a niche. My mom always told me I was... My mom said I was special. I really hope this is the way she meant. So... I don't think she did. So do we, John. So do we. I just want to see what happened. I hope it happens during a podcast. I hope so too. That put you on the map. We would be so popular after that.
00:20:18
Speaker
John, think of the show, you know, think of Greg and I. And Darren, cause Darren's gonna replace you. Yeah, did you have an ulcer? Can't they blow up somehow? Did you?
00:20:28
Speaker
I did. I'm sorry. Guess how we got the ulcer. I give him the ulcer. Yeah. Yeah. Because you were complaining all the time and he got tired of it and stressed him out. No, no, no. It's actually, it's a virus. You actually get it from a virus and it usually comes from poop, so I was licking Greg's butt hole. I thought it was, I didn't think it was that. Yeah. It was a carrier that, uh, I forget what it's called, but yeah, it's, that's what it causes it.
00:20:54
Speaker
Oh, all right, good to know. Oh, you had a hernia, not an ulcer. Your first ulcers are caused by licking Greg's asshole. So seriously, I... Only mine? Only Greg's. I'm very busy. You don't have much free time, that's for sure. Hey, free up my calendar. Hey, hey, you only get one lick, we got a line here. Then step by John's kiosk for a hand job. He'll finish you off. I'm gonna turn you on and he'll disappoint you.
00:21:24
Speaker
Oh, that's right. Is that what mom said? Oh, God. Stop again. He doesn't listen. I feel like we're going somewhere. Okay. So I'm going to quote really heavily from this guy, Benjamin Radford.
00:21:46
Speaker
I usually do that in 20 months. I just want to give him credit. Yeah, I get you. He did a bunch more research on human combustion than I did. Yes, that's for sure. Spontaneous human combustion. There's nothing like pre-planned human combustion. Is there spontaneous other mammals or other animal combustion as well? I'm glad you asked that. Why don't we just call it spontaneous combustion?
00:22:13
Speaker
What we could, but spontaneous combustion could happen in machinery. If you have a combustible engine or something like that. Thank you. Stupid fucking question. Would they call it spontaneous combustion? No, or would they just call it combustion in that situation?
00:22:29
Speaker
Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, if it's, if it's, if it's spontaneous, then it's spontaneous. I love it. Every time we ask Greg a question, he doesn't know the answer to it. He's just like, he just looks at his notes. Cause I'm kind of buzzed, man. The answers, the answers you seek were not on Wikipedia. So I don't know.
00:22:52
Speaker
All right, so what did Mr. Pat? Let's get back to Radford. I can tell Darren wants to get the fuck out of here. No, no, no, this is fun. It is pretty interesting.
Historical References to Combustion
00:23:00
Speaker
No, no, no, this is fun. This is fun. For well- It's not right. It's fun adjacent. Yeah. For well over a century, some have claimed that people can suddenly and inexplicably explode into a ball of fire.
00:23:16
Speaker
Which sounds fucking awesome, by the way. The phenomenon is called spontaneous human combustion, and it has been described- Or spontaneous combustion. You know, we're still workshopping this. No, we're good. No, we're not. We don't get to workshop it. We didn't come up with the concept. It's a term of art. People have researched it, man. You can't change that shit. You're not the boss of everything, Kevin.
00:23:42
Speaker
He's got two podcasts of the 127 he's going to do all part of his plan to take over the world. He's really popular with white nerds. Okay. Okay. So the phenomenon called spontaneous human combustion.
00:23:58
Speaker
And it has been described in many popular books on mysteries and the unexplained. Through the term spontaneous human combustion,
00:24:08
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry. Though the term spontaneous human combustion is a fairly recent vintage, which I was not a fan of Benjamin using that word vintage in that particular. I mean, I don't call him Benjamin or should you call him Mr. Whatever his last name was? Dr. Probably Dr. Radcliffe. He didn't go to nine years of medical school for you to call him Mr. Asshole. Mr. Asshole? That's me.
00:24:38
Speaker
I bet you he doesn't have a line out the door, people looking up, looking at his poo-poo wall. Why? Why couldn't you just call your butt a hole? Like... Okay, so let's see. I'm gonna skip ahead. Okay, the most famous example... Rick is the cleanest asshole of anybody around, if that's the case. He has the what? The cleanest asshole. Yeah, that's for sure. Well, yeah. Not in those first couple of weeks. Well, not in my clientele, want it that way.
00:25:05
Speaker
Would really suck if you're the person that's next and then he's like hey, I gotta run I'll be right back in 10 minutes, but that chili didn't settle well, you know And you're like next in line. You're like In line is German Have you seen their porn their mind they like to they like to scat Yeah, they like scat. They're also into choking banking peering on each other midgets
00:25:34
Speaker
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't. You can't say that, man. Little people. Take that back. That's right. People of small?
00:25:45
Speaker
Okay, so let's see here. The most famous example is Charles Dickens' 1853 novel Bleak House in which a character explodes into fire, though the phenomenon can also be found in the works of Mark Twain, Herman Melville, Washington Irving. These are pretty well-known people, obviously, that wrote about spontaneous human combustion. The X-Files? I believe there was an X-Files episode about it.
00:26:13
Speaker
way ahead. Look at this guy. He's one sentence ahead. Listen to that. In modern times, I sent him a copy of these notes. In modern times, I actually don't know what to say. What's a control freak? He's kind of like
00:26:30
Speaker
Jay Blum, Dinosaur Jr. telling me how to play the song. Jay Mascus? Jay Mascus. Why do you say Barlow? Lou Barlow. Lou Barlow. Lou Barlow. I'm so embarrassed for you. Who's the drummer? You remember who the drummer is? Murph. Murph. What band is this? Dinosaur Jr. Dinosaur Jr. Fuck. In modern times, spontaneous human combustion has appeared in movies and on television shows, including the
00:27:02
Speaker
Was there a dinosaur senior? Or was it just... The original band was called Dinosaur, and I believe that the members changed, and so he changed the name Dinosaur Jr. Is that for real? There was a copyright or trademark issue. Oh, was that what it was? Yeah. Okay. There was already a dinosaur out there. You bunch of goddamn nerds. I wasn't a band that opened up for J Mascos.
00:27:24
Speaker
Yeah, it was fun. He was a very strange man. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, he's an elbow. He didn't want to talk to anybody. He was very, very much an introvert. So were you an amazing musician? Amazing guy. One of the better guitarists, one more underrated guitarists. No, I rate him pretty high.
00:27:44
Speaker
We're big fans. Okay, guys, so let's keep going here. Wait, is that the say, and they only be in your bonnet band? No. Not at all. Not at all. No. Who is that? You're thinking of- They may be Giants. Yes, exactly. They are not even- That's a very different band, yeah. Slightly different sound. But we're seeing them both live. I just want to be part of the group and- Join us for my third podcast, 80s, 90s alt rock.
00:28:12
Speaker
Our fourth one, John ruins everything. Because he talks about bees and bats. Build a little birdhouse in your soul. In your soul. He's unashamed. John, we can do a Dave Matthews podcast for you too, bud. Okay. Why do you assume, I don't already have one.
00:28:34
Speaker
Yeah, just because he's not talking about it all the time. Literally, it's me and Dave Matthews, and we just talk for hours. I think I'd rather hear John. We talk for hours. Okay. About showers. In the shower. Yeah, in the shower. We have sex, all right. I'd rather hear John Banks sing Crash into Me than Dave Matthews. Really? All right.
00:29:01
Speaker
I don't know the lyrics. I don't know the words. Okay. In a boy's dream. I knew it, motherfucker. I knew that you knew the song. You got to hike up your skirt a little more. Of course I know the fucking song. It was everywhere. Yeah. You could have turned off the radio, but you listened to it because you loved it.
00:29:22
Speaker
Okay guys, so spontaneous combustion theories. Fires do not typically start on their own. When investigators search for the cause of a forest fire, they don't assume that the flame ignited itself. Maybe they should. Rather, they usually suspect that a careless camper or a lightning strike caused it. However, many things can self-ignite without exposure to flames.
00:29:44
Speaker
Like if you have oily rags, they can ignite. Or if you have a big fat alcoholic person, they can self-ignite. But the only rags, it has to be in a dark place. Did you know that? It has to be in a dark place? Why would it have to be in a dark place? If the oil rags have light on them, they don't ignite. They have to be in darkness. Really? Yeah, that's true.
00:30:06
Speaker
I never know because sometimes a lot of times John says that sort of stuff. John has this shtick where he says things like in a very serious way and it makes it sound like he fucking knows what he's talking about. But often times I know it's not pseudoscience. It's Google it. I believe him actually. It will not ignite if it's getting sunlight. I believe John but I do not believe that entire paragraph. Boy Darren is not as smart as he thought he was. So arson investigators
00:30:32
Speaker
suspect it was a careless camp. Oh, lightning strike, you said. That's fair. Okay. Sorry. So why, how do, how do oily rags spontaneously combust? I think it has to do with, uh, riboflavins.
00:30:47
Speaker
Your research sucks. Do you want me to fucking research oily rag combustion? Well, if you're gonna say it, you gotta back it up with shit. Are you only picking up one side? Yeah. So it's a chemical reaction that only happens when it's dark. And I don't actually know why it happens when it's dark, but if sunlight is hitting it, or any light, it doesn't have to be sunlight. If light is hitting the rag, the chemical reaction cannot exist. So whatever the catalyst is, it has to be darkness.
00:31:16
Speaker
That's the beauty of having four people here. I'll research that while you guys keep talking. Man, I really hope everything I just said was true. You're going to get fact checked, it sounds like. Sounds like. That's what my dad always told me. He was right. It's a whole different matter to claim that people can suddenly burst into flames for no apparent reason. There's no doubt that bodies can burn.
00:31:39
Speaker
Crematoriums routinely reduce the human body to ashes in the course of a few hours. The mystery of spontaneous human combustion lies in the supposedly strange circumstances under which the victims burst into flames. Did it take a few hours for cremation? I didn't know that.
00:32:03
Speaker
I can let you know after I kill John banks and the, yeah, it's the bone that takes the longest. It takes a lot of heat and a lot of time to know. And you know, the teeth never go. Yeah. The, some of them do like it. Like if you in there, if you're in there long enough, some of that, you were, you know, a lot about this. This is freaking me out, man. He was either a Nazi or he's a serial killer. Listen, I think I've said this on the podcast. My dad is a Vietnam vet and I had a very dark childhood with a lot of
00:32:30
Speaker
A lot of information that I didn't need, but it's in here. A lot of information that most six-year-olds don't really need to know. Dude, seriously, my dad had a photo album of dead people that he kept that I saw for the first time when I was like five or six years old. Photo album? Was it entitled Dead People? Was he responsible for those deaths? Yes.
00:32:57
Speaker
That's awesome, okay. That's terrible. Again, Vietnam vet, people who killed him. So much like oily rags, draw banks can only thrive in the dark.
00:33:10
Speaker
And I'm not sure the dark really has anything to do with it, John, although it may be true. But according to a quick cursory. How's it feel, John? But now he was close. From Darren, it feels fantastic. It's the oxygen exposure that's important. Oh, OK. So the oil oxidizes and increases in temperature and eventually reaches the ignition point, the auto ignition point of the material, which is about 495 to 536 degrees Fahrenheit. Oh, wow.
00:33:40
Speaker
So maybe there's a, maybe human spontaneous human combustion has something to do with our auto ignition point. Right. That's who the oily rags, swallow oily rags or people eat a lot of olive oil. It's mostly Greeks that go up.
00:34:03
Speaker
Fucking Greeks, man. They're always breaking plates and shit. It's not okay.
Scientific Explanations and Skepticism
00:34:08
Speaker
They're coming. No wonder they're coming. That's why they break the plates. They break the plates because they didn't need a minute. They could go up.
00:34:14
Speaker
They have the longest life span or one of the longest life spans. That's the best diet you can do. Unless you catch on fire. That's the only drawback to the Mediterranean diet. Good heart health. Just because the show that life is always, it always goes both ways. You can't just have it all. Life is bisexual. That is true.
00:34:39
Speaker
done right. Okay, so how do these victims die? Because that's where I was talking about like 10 minutes ago. Typically, the story goes there's no obvious source of ignition, no open fires nearby that might set the person aflame. Furthermore, the victims are killed, and not for example, only partly burned on what this sentence makes no sense.
00:35:04
Speaker
Yeah, everyone that has spontaneous human combustion fucking dies. And oftentimes, their appendages are left remaining. Oh, just chilling, like their feet, their shins down their hands. They're like just chilling right there while everything else is reduced to ash. So core? Yeah, it's gonna be whatever. Yeah, like everything good starts in your core work.
00:35:27
Speaker
So maybe, maybe no more planks day. No, you can do like that. You can do like, you're late. That's going to be left. You better have some good cat muscles. What if it's a baby dragon inside it? Like what if your birthing, what if it's like one out of, cause what is this one every century basically? So one out of like 2 billion people like birth the dragon. Why can't it be that?
00:35:52
Speaker
It's more like about every 10 months or something. Oh, okay. Well, I should say no, I should say no, that's wrong. It's maybe a 13 months, right? 200 and 300 years, I think is what you said. Yeah. So it's almost one a year. It's like one every year and three quarters. So it's more often than you think. Yeah. John. And this fuck dragons. What an idiot. That's something to think about, actually.
00:36:17
Speaker
Yes, I love Darren. It's awesome. We're overdue. That's exactly how many of us. This is a hundred and two. We're close. We're close. Okay, guys. Some of these popular claims are simply wrong. What?
00:36:42
Speaker
For example, there are many photographs of supposed SHC victims that clearly show extensive burnings and damage to the clothing and surroundings of the burned person.
00:36:54
Speaker
It's also important to understand a bit of fire forensics, which you guys have obviously not been paying attention to. Many fires are self-limiting. That is, they put themselves out naturally because they run out of fuel. Though the public often sees uncontrolled fires completely engulfing and burning down entire rooms and buildings, fires are unpredictable. It is quite possible, for example, for only a rug, bed, or sofa to catch fire without spreading the rest of the room.
00:37:18
Speaker
Because fires normally burn upward instead of upward, there is nothing paranormal or strange about finding a victim in one part of a burned room to
00:37:31
Speaker
Nevermind. Greg, Greg, Greg. You're just lucky in this idea that there's SHC. It's like, it's, I know that's what's going to happen. For saying SHC by the way. Yes. Sound out your words, Greg. You're embarrassing yourself. You can still do trigger warnings on this podcast.
00:37:50
Speaker
Oh, good point. What if Kevin had an uncle that died? Yeah, no kidding. That was a spontaneous human question. Here's the thing. What's the source of ignition? What could possibly cause people to suddenly burst into flames? A century ago, it was blamed on intemperance.
00:38:06
Speaker
A lot of things should be blamed on that. Is that drinking? The alcohol stuff. Oh, OK. And even God's wrath. Most victims were assumed to be drunkards who had saturated their cells with alcohol. In the 1970s, a quasi Freudian explanation came into vogue suggesting that a person's depressive emotional states could somehow cause him or her to become inflamed. In the 1970s? That means I'm fucked.
00:38:33
Speaker
It's amazing. So were all these people Jewish? I'm just curious. I mean, more than likely. It's depression, not guilt. Oh, you're right. Well, it's anxiety, right? Well, I guess the guilt... Now you're really grasping at straws, buddy. For your mental symptoms, that was a good word.
00:38:53
Speaker
Others have suggested that sunspots, cosmic storms, gas-producing intestinal bacteria, or even a buildup of the body's supposed vibrational energy may be to blame. It's your goddamn chakras out of alignment. They are. It's because Kevin keeps mixing up his three-part maps on his wall. He puts them out of order, and then we all explode. I should do that sometimes to see how long it takes for you guys to notice.
00:39:21
Speaker
I won't. It might be years. I won't. It could be years. Yet, all of these explanations are pseudoscientific, Darren, and there's no evidence for any of them. Our bodies are about 60% to 70% non-flammable water, as opposed to that flammable water that you can get at several ovens and dimes when it's on sale. This flammable water? That is flammable water. That's not even flammable. No, it's not. Put me in the kitchen there and see if it lights. It's fire water.
00:39:49
Speaker
It is under water with like ever clear or anything like that. Oh yeah. I've spit a fire before. Have you? Yeah. Have you? I haven't. I saw someone do it and then they immediately threw up. So I didn't really want to anymore. How do you know the two things may or may not be mutually exclusive. That's true. I don't know. That's a good point. I put, I certainly associated them.
00:40:12
Speaker
Did we do one right after the other? So were there a lot of people around? I was at a party. Yeah. So did anyone else throw up because they saw someone throw up? No, I was surprised at that. Yeah. Yeah. Was anyone close enough to smell it? You know, man, it was college. It's been a while. So I don't really remember exactly where everybody was standing. Was anyone hurt? Nobody was hurt. Have you guys explored the causation correlation?
00:40:38
Speaker
idea on any of these podcasts. Kevin really, that was really profound. You're not sure whether it was caused by it or it happened. It's the same thing with the spontaneous human combustion thing. It's true. You're trying to pump his tires up. You dig a little bit on these topics and get to the
00:40:58
Speaker
Greg reads one article, it just plagiarizes the whole fucking thing. That is the episode. No shit. I haven't gotten there yet. No, there's a lot of my own personality within this. Okay. Vibrational energy was all me. Okay. Okay. That's good. I like that. Wait, are you, Greg and Darren, are you guys wearing the same colored shirt?
00:41:21
Speaker
It's just bad lighting in here. Yeah. Mine's lighter than his. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I don't have a hood. I can't, can't afford a hood.
00:41:31
Speaker
Uh, so just keep trying about the flammable, non-flammable water, blah, blah, blah. People truly could burst into flames without being anywhere near an open flame. Presumably there would be examples that have occurred while the victim was swimming in a bathtub scuba diving in a fucking courtyard by Marriott. Right. Very specific. You could have said hotel examples, water examples. That's it. It's, it's,
00:42:00
Speaker
That's the whole point of it being a water if man could spontaneously human combust. It wouldn't matter if you're in water or not. It's going to come from the inside. Okay. So you probably go on the water douses that you'd still have some internal damage. Yeah. And it's not happening. Thank you. It could happen in space. Yes. Oxygen. Well that's coming from inside you. Oh man. I almost said that one.
00:42:26
Speaker
Darren, he beat me too, man. Well, cause he's funnier and better looking. Better shape. I just, I just want our listeners to know he's less, he's less blurry. I don't know how that's possible. He's coming in crystal clear and you're just a blob. You're a blobby, blurry mess. And I can see Darren's cheekbones too far.
00:42:54
Speaker
It's too much. I've reached my tipping point, man. Oh, no. Can I ask a question about spontaneous ... I can't answer it, man. See? No, no. I have a very basic question. I know we talked about pseudoscience, but it's a legitimate thing that happens. Is that debated? Is there a debate as to whether it
00:43:18
Speaker
spontaneous human combustion exists. Okay. So I'm going to get onto the next page and tell you how, what has happened to people. Just people have burned and their bodies have been found, like reduced to ashes, except for some appendages, which makes no sense to me because I, the, the temperature
00:43:43
Speaker
And what your bones actually melt and turn to ash would have to be 4000 degrees. And if your body source goes up to 4000 degrees, you're gonna melt your fucking $4000 couch. Like everything around you is gonna catch on fire.
00:44:01
Speaker
That would ... This is why I don't understand what the fuck is going on. How do you be reduced to ashes? That things around you aren't. But things around you aren't? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Yeah, that's weird. Well, that's why they put Mulder and Scully on it, man. They did, but they found human remains like that before. I can't make sense of it. They should have started with that.
00:44:23
Speaker
With that I would have understood what you're doing. It also would have been a little more gripping, you know, yeah The podcast that obviously needed Darren to be in place Hey Greg, could you just hand your nose to Darren and just leave for a minute? Maybe like 45 minutes Let's make sure we pick this up
00:44:51
Speaker
Oh, no. Are you having Bud Light? How is it? A Bud Light? Oh, made West. We need some form of a... Ventura, California. It's really good. How did that explode? Well, it's spontaneously... Combusted, guys. Hold on. We may have to take a little time out for a second while I get some Kleenex. Tissue.
00:45:17
Speaker
Oh yeah. We can't say it by brain. Not the first time we've had to take a time out on this show. So someone could grab a tissue. Well, one of us has a hand job booth and he often spill a beer and often operates the hand job booth while on the podcast. So, I mean, you know, it's, it's, it's, you're an entrepreneur. You gotta be available whenever, you know, well, it's actually got his zoom background.
00:45:43
Speaker
And he's been doing hand jobs the whole time. You can always tell what's a little blurry around them, you know? Like, yeah, that's definitely not his real background. Yeah, that was it. Well, Garen, he's got to sleep in this room tonight. And it's going to smell like, it's going to smell like braid, beer, made west beer.
00:46:05
Speaker
Maybe it's not a sponsor. Is it an IPA? Talk to them about sponsoring the show. No, this is just a pale. West Coast pale ale. It's not an IPA. It's not very bitter. It's delicious. Nice. I spilled the beer all over my fucking nuts. John, what are you drinking tonight? I am drinking just Jameson, just Irish whiskey. You don't take more out of Irish whiskey. Everyone knows what Jameson is. And you also shouldn't say just.
00:46:33
Speaker
Oh my God. So we were, when we were in Thailand, we were getting a Jameson and they were like, we go, can we get a Jameson? And they go, John Jameson was like, sure. I didn't know. I just was like, you wanted to see me. No, that's apparently, that's actually what it is. It's John Jameson whiskey. So John Jameson. Yeah.
00:46:58
Speaker
I saw those commercials where he jumped into the fucking ocean. No, I didn't know any of that. I was very confused of why they were... I was like, why are you being so formal? I just call him... I call him Jamo. Well, you just call him...
00:47:13
Speaker
So I'm sorry. Don't apologize, Darren. God damn it. Don't apologize. I'm the guest. Why don't you get to that situation where people are burned to ashes and everything around them is not? You can't hear me talking about that. Wow. Wow. I love this. Okay. That's a little demanding from a guest. We're 40 minutes in. You want to get to the fucking point? That's basically what Darren said. Yeah, that's what he said. But he said it in such a classic, elegant Darren way. Yeah, it was very elegant. It was way, way more elegant than any of the three of us. I spilled beer all over my gray sweats.
00:48:00
Speaker
unexplainable cases in his book, Real Life X-Files, and found that all of them were far less mysterious than often suggested. Most of the victims were elderly, alone, and near flames, often cigarettes, candles, and open fires, when they died. Several were last seen drinking alcohol and smoking. And I don't know why our fucking, like our culture doesn't
00:48:04
Speaker
Yeah, I know. Nobody said anything about you being elegant, so don't worry. That's definitely true.
00:48:25
Speaker
Wish that shit enough. Now all of a sudden you got the anti-spontaneous human combustion fucking people coming at you. I used to be a smoker and I drank a lot then too. I never lit on fire. You got lucky.
00:48:41
Speaker
I used to be a, I used to be a juggalo. I just thought we were sharing things. Did he say juggalo? Yeah, juggalo is a juggalo. A juggalo is someone that follows. What's the name of that man? That's saying clown posse. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great? I want to see John as a juggalo. I barely want to see him as a kiosk. He'd be at those events just trying to get everyone in to be nice to each other.
00:49:07
Speaker
No, he wouldn't. No, he sure shit up, man. I think he's a good dude, but he's not. I really got this beer everywhere, man. I don't know. I don't know the juggler look like a water ride. Okay, my bad.
00:49:18
Speaker
If the person is asleep, intoxicated, and conscious, infirm, or otherwise, just like my brother infirm, or otherwise unable to move or put the flames out, the victim's clothes can act as a wick. Most people spend most of their time wrapped in flammable clothing made up of cottons and polyester blends. Blaming the victim again. Again, blaming the victim, because there's so many choices and the kind of clothes that you could buy. Have your fucking wear fire retardant
00:49:48
Speaker
Shit, I know I'd be way too hot, you know the flames draw on the body's fat So I'd never go up a flammable oil very near the skin surface which combines with the burning clothing to fuel the fire It's inside the body
00:50:05
Speaker
Well, this is giving you the real way that people- This is debunking the whole thing. This is debunking the- But had you ever thought about that? That your skin is so flammable in part because of the body fat? It's gross. That's disgusting. That's crazy. I never thought about that. Well, that's why you're so smart. Something.
00:50:21
Speaker
Oh, that's not a patronizing. Wait, wait, wait. Who do you think of the four of us? Who would go up the fastest and burn the hottest? Okay, John, do we need to hear that? No. I mean, I have a theory. It's me. Do we drown the slowest? So, get off. Good point. As you're burning- As you're drowning, I'm like fucking spontaneous hearing question happens once every three seconds. But you can't swim worth the shit. You can swim? You can float. No, you are a good swimmer. I'm sorry.
00:50:51
Speaker
You're also the diver. Now he's buttering me up. And I'll take it. I feel so pretty. I feel so pretty right now. I just feel seen. Okay, science says bodies can act like a candle.
00:51:06
Speaker
Prevalent scientific, I didn't know if it was prevalent or prevalent for a second. Prevalent? The prevalent scientific explanation for spontaneous human combustion is known as the wick effect, which proposes that humans can act like animals do. I said it's John Wick who just comes in and beats the shit out of everybody. And then he like zippo.
00:51:32
Speaker
badass I'm John wick I sound like neo and just a coincidence I'm Johnny Utah that's a good movie it is a good movie Patrick Swayze it's a classic what's going on point break point break okay good
00:51:54
Speaker
All right, guys, guess what? In 1998, as part of a BBC television program, scientists in the UK, of course the UK, replicated similar conditions with a dead pig. But that wouldn't be spontaneous human combustion, though. No, but this is what they did. Unironically, they wrapped the pig in a blanket.
00:52:17
Speaker
That's the way this guy fucking writes this. Four waiting in on fire. The pigs feet were left behind. Exactly the results of many reported cases of spontaneous human combustion. Can you imagine how good it smelled in that room?
00:52:36
Speaker
What happens if you wrap a pig that you're going to put in the ground in bacon? Put that pig in the ground. I don't know, man. Can't we just bread the fucking thing? Let's just bread it. That'd be delicious. If you wrap a pig in bacon, it's like double bacon bacon. I know, right? What happens? That's got to be... I think you're going to bend time and space down. Yeah, I think that would have made Einstein's head explode.
00:53:04
Speaker
It's like a terminator that comes from the future to kill you before you can do it. And then you dip pork rinds in it. Oh, God. And cover it in bacon grease. Darren's acting as our mom again, because it's not ocean. You can't do it. You're not allowed having it and don't have a glass of milk with me.
00:53:27
Speaker
Well, you, Darren, didn't you, you did something. Didn't you do something with the FDA? You're like, didn't you, you did something where you went to like, you got to witness firsthand the, like how shitty it is for animals. That's right. Wow. Good memory. Yeah. I did food safety stuff and I got to go to slaughterhouses.
00:53:46
Speaker
Host five some people just get to have all the fun, you know He ate for that shit vegetarian for how many years afterwards 20 I would imagine he told me stories about that. Wow. I ate Well in all fairness, that's probably not actual meat no good point yeah, that's true
00:54:09
Speaker
Have you ever seen what a McRib looks like without the sauce? It's like white and bony. It looks like a human brain. They make it look like it has bones in it. That's one of the best parts. It's weird. Yeah, it is. Delicious though. Just edible bones. Psychologically. Yeah. They need to do that. Otherwise you can't distinguish it from the chicken from anything else. Yeah, Kevin. It's all the same. What's that stuff called?
00:54:32
Speaker
You know ground up my taste bone meal. I don't know what's the what's it called? There's a name. There's a name for it. There's a name for it. Is it jealous? I think we've talked about on the show before I have no idea what the fuck you guys are talking about. It's the The chicken stuff that they make nuggets out of and oh you mean when they just pull in a big wow I'm actually getting nauseous. Oh, I thought you were talking about something else. I can't I
00:55:00
Speaker
Semen. Boy, that kiosk. That kiosk has just warped his fucking mind. John's amount of few words, but they're very well-tosed words. The whisk theory suggests that fat acts as a fuel source, and a human body is kept aflame through its own fat after being ignited. Blankets in clothing, meanwhile, act like a candle wick.
00:55:28
Speaker
All right, guys, so this is where this guy gets kind of cynical. As if telling the pig story wasn't bad enough. If F-F-S-H-C is a real phenomenon, why doesn't it happen more often? There are seven billion people in the world, and yet we don't see reports of people bursting into flames while walking down the street. No one's ever been seen, filmed, or videotaped, for example, on a surveillance camera suddenly bursting into flames.
00:55:58
Speaker
I'm going to read it with that voice because this guy's really fucking negative. It always happens to a single person left alone near a source of ignition. And if some natural but unknown mechanism causes a combustion, why would it only occur in humans? Why wouldn't cows, dogs, elephants, he's just naming animals at this point. And that's great. We get it. Burst into flames. Big fucking deal. I believe in it. Even if it sounds like the same thing as like, how come no one has ever recorded Jesus speaking to them?
00:56:27
Speaker
Oh, that's exactly the same. There's a reason for that. Jesus, is it real? Well, he's not anymore. He's dead. Right. Right. Did he spontaneously combust? Probably. Obviously. We call that full circle. We call that Easter. We call that Easter. I guess the Jews are to blame for that too. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Kind of. Okay.
00:56:55
Speaker
So whatever, this guy fucking doesn't believe that bullshit. So you guys want some notable examples
Famous Cases and Humor
00:57:00
Speaker
of people that are spontaneously combusted? Like celebrities? No, not celebrities. That's how he dies. That's how the series ends. On July 2, 1951, Mary Reeser, a 67-year-old woman who was found burned to death in her home after her landlady realized that the house's doorknob was unusually warm.
00:57:24
Speaker
The landlady notified the police. Hello, hello police. The doorknob is warm. My neighbor has a really, really warm doorknob. Like, what does this woman do? Just go around, like, checking doorknobs? Like, it wasn't like that about 10 minutes ago. And every time something feels a little bit off, she's going to call the cops. Doorknobs are cold. This is not cold. And nobody's entered this house in an hour. Something is so weird. Am I right when I say this? Doorknobs are cold? Yes. Yeah. So this one's warm. Keep him over.
00:57:55
Speaker
So finally she was lucky, the cops came and, okay, so here what happened? The landlady notified the police and upon entering the home, they found research remains completely burned into ash with only one leg remaining. That sounds hot. The chair she was sitting in was also destroyed.
00:58:17
Speaker
research took sleeping pills and was also a smoker. Of course, you're always gonna fucking again, we're blaming the victim. Despite, despite its proliferation in popular culture, the contemporary FBI investigation ruled out the possibility of spontaneous human congestion. A common theory was that she was smoking a cigarette after taking sleeping pills and then fell asleep while holding the burning cigarette
00:58:40
Speaker
which could have ignited her gown, ultimately leading to her death. Her daughter-in-law stated, this is my favorite part, her own fucking daughter-in-law said.
00:58:54
Speaker
And I quote, the cigarette dropped to her lap. Her fat was the fuel that kept her burning. The floor was cement and the chair was by itself. There was nothing around her to burn. So she's fat shaming her. After she dies. After she dies. Why would you talk about the fat? And by the way, if you light your stuff on fire,
00:59:15
Speaker
with a cigarette, is that really gonna make your fucking bones turn to ash? How does that get to 3000 degrees? I thought it was 4000 degrees. Okay, even better. Wait, is it Celsius or?
00:59:30
Speaker
But you weren't specific. She's so fat. She burned up because she's so fat. She said her fat is so fat she burned up. Her fat was the fuel that kept her burning. She's sounding like she's fucking like some kind of spontaneous human combustion. What did she say? Was it her daughter or her daughter-in-law? Yeah, a good point. That's a really good point. I mean, that makes a big difference.
00:59:53
Speaker
Yes. Usually it's the mother-in-law who says that about the daughter-in-law, but yeah, you're right. Well, she probably got sick and fucking tired. Why didn't they investigate her? Yeah. Sounds like murder. This was clear murder. Yeah, for sure, John. I think, you know what, John? We just solved a case from 1951. We're going to do a third podcast. John and I are going to do a true crime podcast. We're going to get to the bottom of this. Yeah. Oh, me. I can't get me on like a podcast. Ah, you're fine.
01:00:23
Speaker
But he's busy with the key off. Clearly the background keeps working like he can do whatever, you know? Well, I still don't see how your bones would burn ashes. No. At that point. It doesn't make any fucking sense. All right, guys. Case number two, Margaret Hogan. God damn it. Margaret Hogan. Sound familiar, John? She's a girlfriend in eighth grade. An 89-year-old widow who lived alone in a house on Prussia Street in Dublin, Ireland.
01:00:52
Speaker
was found burned almost to the point of complete destruction on March 28, 1970. Curiously, one month before I was born, plastic flowers on a table in the center of the room had been reduced to liquid. Wait, are you implying you did it? No, my pregnant mom did it. Okay, okay. She waddled over there and she's like,
01:01:17
Speaker
You 89-year-old widow. She's like, Alan, I'm going to Ireland. I'll be back in a bit. Why are you taking my lighter? I'm going to murder someone. Why are you taking my good lighter? He did smoke back then. He did smoke in 1970. He smoked when I met him. He didn't? Didn't he smoke until his 40s?
01:01:49
Speaker
Didn't I got a drinker then one night after we got off them out of the mines The dad never spent a day in the mine, so you can't prove he did true Okay, when did he quit? And like mid 80s I think I thought I thought he smoked when I met you
01:02:07
Speaker
No. Okay. He just had a mustache. He was, he was already like some kind of Jack LaLanne guy when he met him. That's funny. Oh my God. He, he, he never exercised a day in his life. That guy, he just, it's amazing. He made it 76. Why would you watch this? Are you going to find a picture of him? Oh God. Here we go.
01:02:38
Speaker
Here's what he looked like when he was 22 years old. I can't say it. It's all blurry. It's all blurry. Sorry. But you can definitely see he has a mustache. He's got a mustache and he's a little overweight. The mustache was actually really the only thing you could make out in that picture. Yeah. Well, you know what? That was his best feature. Yeah. So I'm glad you guys got to see that. God, I'm getting emotional right now.
01:03:03
Speaker
Just thinking about his mustache. That's where Ray got it from. Did you guys think this special guest was going to be Ray, by the way? I totally disappoint you. I thought it was going to be Ray. I thought it was going to be Jen.
01:03:17
Speaker
No, I thought it wasn't Ray, because then we couldn't have talked as much masturbation. It just would have been weird. Yeah, Ray's good for masturbation. I bet he is. I don't want to talk to him about it. That's your job. Yeah. All right. Let's move on to Henry Thomas. And we're almost out of our misery. A 73-year-old man was found burned, blah, blah, in the living room. It doesn't make any fucking sense. They find his fucking feet, and that's it. It's all in England and Wales. Yeah, so it's suspect, man. Yeah, definitely suspect.
01:03:46
Speaker
That's like a gamble goddamn great Britain fuck him always like him always spontaneously combustion Maybe it only happens there Maybe it's because of the because of the pound It's also quite overcast there. You know like so it's not getting enough sunlight like John said yes lack of vitamin D. Yep
01:04:10
Speaker
It also happened in a 1984 mockumentary called, this is Spinal Tap, about the fictional heavy metal band Spinal Tap. Two of the band's former drummers are said to have died in separate, on stage, on stage, spontaneous human combustion incidents. That's one that was actually caught on camera, right? It was. Yeah, it was. And I have to, I really appreciate this. On that note page for Greg, it says also of note. Yeah, I wrote that.
Conclusion: A Pseudoscientific Phenomenon?
01:05:02
Speaker
It's spontaneous human combustion. I like the alliteration. Yeah, but yeah, it's my pleasure. So anyway, I didn't proofread this. I made it out of glare. But it seems we've learned it's kind of a bullshit thing. So it's hard to defeat ourselves. We just have to stop believing in bullshit, I guess. I think all of these cynical people that try to use science to explain a way a legitimate thing like self explosion are the biggest dicks of all.
01:05:05
Speaker
That was your contribution to this?
01:05:30
Speaker
We don't need answers to everything, science. Maybe that's how we stop defeating ourselves. Use self-righteous, condescending English twats.
01:05:45
Speaker
English or only English. Yeah, all the cases are English. Yeah, and I noted that and that's why Escalated at the end of this. Yeah. That's how I do it. I could hear him sweating. He was so upset. Yeah, it's just that heart attack to all of our listeners in Great Britain. Fuck Greg. We love you. We don't like really wonder. I like fish and a sense of wonder, right? Yeah. So why are they trying to dash it? Yeah, I was on that point. Thank you, Darren. And he's scientific.
01:06:16
Speaker
pseudoscientific pseudoscientific obviously because he likes wonder alright guys as long as there are no objections it's time for last call everyone get your shot Darren you have a shot we need a little bit more whiskey over here wait don't do it yet all right waiting on the whistle pig you have a little bit are you gonna shoot that okay hold on a second just just pouring the whiskey in the cup
01:06:45
Speaker
Just so you listeners at home know what's going on. Pour, pour, pour, ice. If you watch the video, you'll see him pour it and it's very, very riveting. So cheers. Cheers, guys. All right. So good. So, guys, here's to all. Well, shit, we already drank it, but yeah, we did. Here's my toast.
01:07:10
Speaker
Here's to all the sorry motherfuckers whom self ignited and have caused a lasting stir surrounding their mysterious demise. May we never learn the whole truth and may the four of us die in a similar fashion. Wait a minute. It doesn't have to happen right now. It sounds like an absolutely awful way to go. It does. Maybe the worst way to go.
01:07:36
Speaker
Think so. I think burning. It's probably like falling asleep. It's not like being when you're burned from outside. That sounds horrific. But from inside, you probably go pretty fast, right? Yeah. I think the worst way to die is you're in an ocean and you're swimming and you're swimming and you're just getting more tired and you know you're going to drown. And then there's a boat that comes to pick you up and save you. And as they're pulling you out of the water, a shark bites you in half. That's the worst way to die.
01:08:00
Speaker
specific job so you feel you feel like you're never getting out of this situation you've accepted you've got hope right yes you've got hope but then the hope is dashed like not only hope like like you're getting pulled out of the water you have hope and joy and elation and then BAM I can think of a better way so you're swimming in the ocean right and you're about to drown
01:08:22
Speaker
And a boat comes along, and the boat's coming, and a shark sees you, and it bites you in half, but just as it's biting you in half, a killer whale comes and bites that shark in half, so it was a completely unnecessary murder by that shark.
01:08:39
Speaker
Jelena, the issue with what you said is that you probably died pretty quickly, so you're not even conscious of the irony of the whole thing, right? You want it to be a slower thing where you're conscious of what happened. A very old shark with about a third of his teeth. That works. Bites into you. So he's just gumming you to death? He performs cuddling us on you. Right after he licked Greg's asshole.
01:09:08
Speaker
And on that note, Darren, thank you so much for joining us. Why are you winning the episode? I'm winning the episode because you're not going to stop. And I'm putting my listeners out of their misery. Right. Well, whatever, Kevin. I told you Kevin controls everything. Yes, he does. Thanks, guys. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening.