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The War on Christmas, Krampus, and the Underwear Bomber
240 Plays1 month ago
It's the HDI 2024 Holiday Extravaganza! Kevin discusses the outrage some have over people saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Greg educates us on the history of Krampus. And John talks about the Underwear Bomber. Spike your eggnog, get cozy, and celebrate the season with your three favorite knuckleheads.
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Transcript
Humorous Beginnings: Anal Sex & Grooming
00:00:00
Speaker
Yeah, that's that's but man. You're speaking my language. So yeah, yeah we should just have sex. I mean, it's you know, it's the problem is it's the flight. that That is the only thing holding us back, isn't it? Yeah. and Well, and the anal sex. Yeah, I know. I need to be he's dead, my friend. Well, it's for me, it's like a I'm really into it if it's a woman because it's the vag it's the whole visual part. And if I'm looking down at you, I don't think I'm going to be able to perform like I want to.
00:00:27
Speaker
I have manscape to help. Does that manscape make your penis look like a vagina? I don't shave that close.
Introducing the Comedy Trio
00:00:42
Speaker
History defeats itself as a comedy podcast. Kevin, John, and Greg are not experts, historians, or even all that smart.
00:00:53
Speaker
Alright, thank you for joining us here on History Defeats Itself. You're welcome.
Beef Jerky Banter
00:00:58
Speaker
Greg's ah greg's hungry, so let's ah let's get this show on the road. Actually, I'm okay. I had it had a lot of beef jerky. Oh, that's right. You but you ate your body weight in beef jerky. I did. Good to see you guys. It's good to see you. It's been a while.
Beards and Grooming Preferences
00:01:11
Speaker
ah alamo so john I just noticed this, John, you have you have cut your beard substantially. Yes. It's way shorter, way shorter. The only question I can think of is why stop there?
00:01:24
Speaker
You mean when I need to go all the way down? Yeah. Yeah. Why not just shave it off? This is a beard invention. Weird time to have it. Cause I don't know. I like it. this You know what? You know what? That that's great answer that just makes me feel bad for asking. So that was a solid answer. So why don't you have a beard at all, Kevin? Yeah, Kevin. I've got a little stubble.
00:01:49
Speaker
Hmm. Hmm. Hard to come back from that one, huh, John? Yeah. That's shut your ass up. Fucker. Greg, you don't have any facial hair. No, I get a little stubble. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You can't really tell because it's mostly gray. So and youre right. And that's the thing is like, I know that I'm, I'm, I'm a year away from having it to shave it off because it's all going to be gray. And then it would be a year away. It's all gray now. well Why do you set these timelines?
00:02:16
Speaker
I mean, it know John, I'm not. It's sooner than later. So my mustache still has colored the beard. and Not so much. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Get rid of it. It's time, Jack Black. I'm just kidding. You do what you want to do. Grow it out again. I mean, here's the thing. I was going to do what I was wanted to do anyway before you gave me permission. But thank you, Greg, for your permission. What's the best song in the world? That's hurtful, John.
00:02:45
Speaker
Sometimes you got to be mean. Sometimes you got to say, I'm going to fuck you softly. I'm going to help you discreetly. You know that, Jack, that one. yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to let you go. OK. Yeah, I just wanted you to go. Is this your topic? Yes, Jack Black. I want to fuck her.
Holiday Mix-ups: Christmas vs. Hanukkah
00:03:08
Speaker
All right. Well, speaking of topics, we were doing a holiday theme today, given the fact that we are a couple of weeks away from Christmas and Hanukkah. Does Hanukkah start like the same day as Christmas or pretty close, right? Hanukkah is not real. Oh, it does doesn't exist. Better tell that to my candle budget. Because it seems real saving all the year. Yeah. Scripping and saving.
00:03:33
Speaker
I've been picking up cans on the side of the road. I've been picking up oil to let my menorah like yeah, Hanukkah starts on the 25th. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, that's unusual, right? It's usually before it's yeah, you know, it flops around flips and flops. When was the last time it was on the Lord's Day?
00:03:56
Speaker
What is the Lord's Day, Sunday?
Biblical Misunderstandings and Humor
00:03:58
Speaker
ah No, it's Christmas, I think. It is? That's when Jesus had sex with a dolphin. I really don't know the word. I don't know the Bible. You read the Bible, didn't you, John? It's definitely in there. Yeah. I actually want to read the Bible. It is terrible. It's a terrible read. It is not compelling at all. It is not a page turner.
00:04:18
Speaker
All right. Then I'm not going to read it. When Luke, son of John, son of Ishmael, son of like there's a son of Darth Vader. It's it's like in the old spoiler. We're just giving you a thousand fucking names. of the It's like it's just like a George RR Martin. Exactly. And you're just like, and they change names halfway through. Now I will forever be known as Gregory.
00:04:39
Speaker
And Jobe is spelled J-O-B, but it's pronounced Jobe and you're just like, that doesn't make any fucking sense. Nope. 100% job. But you go through your whole childhood saying job yeah and then someone says it out loud and you're like.
00:04:52
Speaker
Like, wow, I feel so dumb. Somebody could have told me, you know, who's this Jesus guy? That was how I felt. The word awry. Oh, I thought it was Ari for the longest. So did I. Yeah. So did I. Bullshit spelling is what that is. and I thought Massachusetts was Massachusetts. You sure did. Oh no, that checks out. That tracks. You sure did.
The 'War on Christmas' Debate
00:05:14
Speaker
All right. Well, tell you what, I'm going to start this one. Oh, you are. Oh, what I am. Why don't you just go ahead and not ask for our consent and just put it right in there, Greg? I have never asked for your consent. OK, I'm going to start eating beef jerky again. I hope your topic's about beef jerky. I got a bunch of bananas. I can't eat bananas with you, too. We like set up on my bar and my bar. There's like a bowl full of fruit. So, OK. All right. All right. All right. What is the neon sign behind you say? It says evolution.
00:05:44
Speaker
It says bananas. Well, that's a big wall then. Yeah, it is. Yeah. All right. Anyway. OK. So as I said, we're going to do a holiday theme today since we're very close to the holidays. I guess we're in the midst of the holidays. By the way, did you guys have a nice Thanksgiving?
Role-Playing Holiday Greetings
00:06:04
Speaker
schedule your fucking top Yeah. Fucking topic. Yeah. Yeah. All right. kill Here we go. Kill the turkey.
00:06:09
Speaker
Greg, you're Jewish. If someone says Merry Christmas to you, how does it make you feel?
00:06:18
Speaker
She's full of jerky. He's got a he's got to chew that jerky. I do. She's got he's going to choke somebody to chew that salty meat, Greg. I am going to choke. It's so funny because my answer is so fucking boring. The person that asked this question to is my mom. OK, first of all, what how do you feel? How does it make you feel? um I usually say thank you and Merry Christmas to you.
00:06:45
Speaker
And how does what's her name? Charlotte? What is her name? What's your mom's name? My mom. It's not Charlotte. Damn it. about what What is it, John? you You always talk about how you guys have a relationship. What is her name? Helena. Helena. Well, how does Helena feel when they they do have a relationship? It's just not sexual like John imagines it to be. You don't know. You're not with us every moment of the day.
00:07:11
Speaker
Whatever, dad.
00:07:16
Speaker
ah Okay, let's do some role playing, John. wish Go to your room! wish not wish here Wish your sweet old Jewish girlfriend a merry Christmas and I'll be my mom. Hey, Helena, merry Christmas. Oh, and happy Hanukkah to you! Now let's see that penis, John.
00:07:38
Speaker
Oh, you've show me this base layer there. OK, I don't have the code. You know that. OK, you want to give it to me. yeah I loose lips.
00:07:51
Speaker
Oh, yeah, you do. I don't think we should continue with my mama's sweat on this episode. This is how Greg and I are. This is our fourth play.
00:08:07
Speaker
okay john Let me be his mom. I get to be his mom, and this one. ah John, you're not Jewish, but you hate everything about the holidays, right? I don't hate everything about the holidays. No, you do. You do. It's like sports for you. I know. I hate everything about humanity. Oh, well, the holidays are part of humanity. The holidays are. That's true. That's true. So if someone says, Merry Christmas, happy holidays, season's greetings, enjoy your day. How do how do you react? Fuck you. Yeah. No. No, I just say, I say, I say it back.
00:08:38
Speaker
umm So and and one of the things I've never understood is the whole debate on Merry Christmas Okay, like I don't know how much you guys know about this, but I know I watch Fox News Yeah, well, there's people who are very upset that they don't they refuse to say happy holidays And the thing that I think is so interesting about that is I don't understand why you care because not everybody celebrates your holiday. So if you walk up to somebody like Helena and you say Merry Christmas, it's e helena Helena, Helena, like Montana or Washington. If you walk up to a city of Montana, if you walk up to, if you walk up to Helena and you say Merry Christmas, and she says, well, happy Hanukkah to you. Like you're not.
00:09:23
Speaker
You know, you you just kind of, feel you just kind of feel stupid, right? If you say Merry Christmas to someone who doesn't celebrate Christmas or are you just, or it's just pointless, right? So who cares if you just say happy holidays to cover all the bases, right? I agree. Yes. But, but I, I know why they, I know why they get upset, but okay so I know why they get upset too. And it's will tell me why they get upset it's the same reason why a person with a penis and another person with a penis should not be married to one another in their minds.
00:09:51
Speaker
Is it? It's because of that book. Oh, I thought it was because your penises will catch on fire from rubbing together. They could. Because you need lubrication. Well, if you're camping and you have no matches. Kevin, if you seriously. This is new information. Yeah, it's religion. It's they they feel that they're. This argument is like 15 years old, buddy.
00:10:11
Speaker
The, the, a lot of the Christians that I know, not all Christians, but a lot of Christians that I know feel that they have the last 25 years. Oh, fuck that. For the last 6,000 years, their religion has been under attack and every year they lose religious freedoms, all this. So which they don't, they're not losing any freedom. Their religion is not that old.
00:10:29
Speaker
Well, I know it's like what, 2,024 years old? um we we did We set a calendar by it. so Yeah. I love the louisu k Louis CK bit where he's like, ah for all the other religions, Christianity wins. What year is it? Yeah, Christianity wins. Yeah. yeah But here's the thing. I don't i actually am going to disagree with you guys on your assessment of why people get upset.
00:10:58
Speaker
I think it's... Well, can we tell why i we talk about why my mom gets upset? Because that's a completely different reason. Yeah. Because my mom gets upset because she does not like the assumption that everybody celebrates Christmas. And she doesn't like you assuming her religion. Sure. I get that. So then she stands up for it. and um But she also knows that there's a war on Christmas and that people like to talk about. And you know that probably she's like, what the fuck? And she also knows she gets upset if you don't wear a sweater.
00:11:33
Speaker
So are all the branches of the are all the branches of the armed forces involved in the war on Christmas? Or is it just like the Navy or is it just because we're a Coast Guard that they can handle. We're not going to send the game. They got the water cannons. So all right. Let's start about the war. Let's start with
Puritans and the Ban on Christmas
00:11:50
Speaker
religion. We're going to talk religion first because obviously religion plays a big part in the war on Christmas. So we're going to go all the way back to the time of the Puritans.
00:11:58
Speaker
The Puritans they were a super strict religious group from England in the 16th and 17th centuries who thought the Church of England was way too fancy and not serious enough about the Bible. Was it also schmancy? It doesn't say. Okay. They believed in living simple, disciplined lives and cutting out anything they considered sinful or unnecessary. And when it came to Christmas, the Puritans hated it. They thought it was too pagan, too Catholic and way too wild.
00:12:28
Speaker
ah People back then celebrated with big parties drinking in general chaos, not exactly the holy day vibe the Puritans were going for. So they banned Christmas entirely in England for a while. And when they came to America, they banned it there too, at least in New England and A little bit of background on the on this part. The Puritans' entire worldview revolved around their Christian faith and devotion devotion to Jesus as their Savior. However, they didn't believe that Christmas was the right way to honor Him because they saw no biblical basis for celebrating Jesus' birthday on December 25th and believed that the holiday had become corrupted. by pagan customs and excess. So there's nothing necessarily that says, at least I don't know, according to this, that Jesus was born on December 25th. Did they think that Die Hard was a Christmas movie? That is so, that is probably something that is more up for debate than, than my whole topic. I mean, I mean, do you guys find it to be a Christmas movie? absolutely Oh yeah, absolutely. It's, but Christmas is so secondary. It's not ah about Christmas though. Doesn't matter.
00:13:36
Speaker
It is about no no, it's about family. And what is Christmas, if not about family? Yeah, because the the primary, you know, the couple in the in the in the movie, Bruce Wilson, his whoever played his wife, they were separated and they were as her name fractured. Medelia. I think it's only DeFranco. Oh, I don't think that's right. Oh.
00:14:00
Speaker
Anyway, uh, yeah, they had a tough relationship and at the end they got back together. So how could you not call that a spoiler alert? It's Christmas miracle. Well, so the Puritans, they, they, they banned public Christmas celebrations, even greetings. And they include, they, they, they enforced penalties that included fines and imprisonment.
00:14:24
Speaker
in colonial America and Boston, Christmas celebrations were banned between 1959 and, or I'm sorry, from 16 59 to 16 81, which is a decent amount of time. Hey, John, what state is, okay. Hold on one second.
00:14:43
Speaker
ah
00:14:46
Speaker
Shit. What's the problem? Hey, babe. I'm gonna have to edit you're gonna have to edit. Oh, okay. Hey hey guys Can you ah we have a I guess? Yeah, that's why I just texted you said I'm doing the podcast.
00:15:07
Speaker
Oh Is that where you're where you just want to be on the phone so you don't get murdered? Okay, we don't want her to get murdered i'm gonna get more beef jerky This is a hundred percent staying in but television this is getting in this is getting good So we were talking about ah we're talking about people getting mad when they ah tell her to listen to show. Yes, you get a listen to the show.
00:15:32
Speaker
When they say get when you say happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Oh, my God. We just learned that that is really not selling my topic very well, by the way. Is someone is someone fucking running after her right now? Yeah, what is going on? And there's a John Mulaney. All right. You OK? Do you think John Mulaney is like some sort of stalker? hi babyy I love you. I've never heard that.
00:15:53
Speaker
skit that he does I've heard a lot of his skits I don't remember that one all right John I can't I can't edit go and edit that out that takes way too much time no I don't give a All right. Before we lose the the the few listeners we have left. I like that you pretend that we still have listeners. Any display of holiday cheer, including saying Merry Christmas was seen as defiance of the law and fines for celebrating were as high as five shillings. No. Question. Quick question. What's a shilling? No idea. All right.
00:16:30
Speaker
No idea. I thought you would know that you're, you're our, well, you're our currency expert. with One thing I do know about shillings five is five times more than one. Okay. and so like John is Courtney. Okay. She's okay. She just had to go down some stairs. I know exactly what she was and what she was doing. And yeah, there's these stairs close to her house and she gets really scared when she goes down. um Even though she's got a pit bull to rip your fucking face off. Okay. Well, I'm glad she's okay. That pit bull would rip your face off. Kevin.
00:16:58
Speaker
I believe you. You look at Kevin's face, it looks like it already happened. Oh, that's not nice. I got bit in the nose by a dog once. Oh, I dropped my fidget spinner. All right. Jesus, this episode is fucking tanking, man. ah So despite these bands, many people continue to celebrate Christmas in secret, often using discrete ways to exchange greetings and gifts. The Puritans' efforts off ultimately ultimately failed as people's love for the holiday and its tradition proved stronger than the legal restrictions. So those are the Puritans and their
00:17:32
Speaker
anger towards Christmas. Fuck the Christmas. But they were super religious. Yes, right. but Religion is right. Well, yeah, Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas either. No, no, no, they don't. tell yeah They don't believe in. birthdays or They believe in Jesus. They do.
00:17:49
Speaker
Okay. They believe that, uh, Jehovah's Witnesses believe that any sort of celebrates, it's like basically like a false idol kind of thing that is celebrating anything other than the resurrection of Jesus Christ is like a ah ah slander on Christianity.
00:18:05
Speaker
So next. so Would they say it besmirches it? It's a good word. I love it. I love that word. All right. So now we're going to go to the Victorian reinvention of Christmas. Christmas made a comeback in the 19th century, blending religious and secular traditions and sowing sowing the seeds for future debates.
Victorian Era: Redefining Christmas
00:18:25
Speaker
Charles Dickens, a Christmas carol in 1843, was a novella that helped redefine Christmas as a time for family, charity, and goodwill. Are are you guys familiar with a Christmas carol? Well, right, that was the where the whole town is going against the old guy who just wants to be left alone, so eventually he gets what he wants and gets left alone. Isn't that a Grinch? I think that's Moby Dick.
00:18:51
Speaker
I don't know what that is, but as I don't think it's Christmas Carol. The story emphasized Christian values and its focus on generosity and redemption resonated beyond religious audiences. Oh, I think the movie you're thinking of is Scrooged. Scrooged. That one.
00:19:06
Speaker
Oh, that's a great one, don't worry. I like how you said it twice. Yeah, yeah. Just to make sure you understood. The Victorians embraced a blend of traditions, including pagan customs, like decorating trees and exchanging gifts, Christian practices, like nativity scenes at midnight mass, and secular festivities, like card exchanges and large feasts. This era popularized Christmas greetings, the first commercially available Christmas cards appeared in 1843, many of which included phrases like, Merry Christmas, or the more generic, Season's Greetings. Merry Christmas became the dominant phrase reflecting both Christian and secular enthusiasm for the holiday. Okay. Yeah.
00:19:52
Speaker
Even in the Victorian era, some conservative Christians expressed concerns about Christmas becoming too commercial and losing its religious focus. This criticism laid the groundwork for future disputes over inclusivity versus tradition.
00:20:09
Speaker
All right. With that so far, I'm kind of, I guess, shit. The 20th century introduced diverse winter celebrations to the mainstream, prompting the need for broader, more inclusive greetings. In the 20th century, as Jewish and other immigrant communities became more integrated into Western societies, Hanukkah grew in cultural significance, especially here in the US.
00:20:32
Speaker
winter solstice celebrations like Kwanzaa introduced in 1966, and secular New Year's festivities also became more prominent, expanding the scope of seasonal celebrations. By the 1940s and 50s, department stores and advertisers began using happy holidays and season greetings to appeal to a broader audience. These terms were intended to be inclusive, acknowledging multiple celebrations during the winter season. Seems to make sense. Right? I mean, capitalism.
00:21:03
Speaker
Yeah, you don't want to turn away a customer. No, that's how the whole system works when you people buy things. Advertisers and department stores. Yes, that makes sense that they were the ones kind of steering the ship, right? U.S. presidents also adopted generic holiday greetings in official White House cards. For example, Dwight Eisenhower's 1955 card featured the phrase season's greetings. That motherfucker. That motherfucker. These phrases reflected an attempt to you. It should have been. um It should have been season greeting, motherfuckers.
00:21:32
Speaker
That would make sense for joint. I was a Merry Christmas. Fuck everyone who is offended by this. These phrases reflected in it and then and then he draws a picture. This is like dick. That's Santa sitting on Ike's dick. This is like dick. It's Mike and Ike. Mike is his dick. Do you like that? That's where that comes from. OK, I get that. I get that.
00:21:56
Speaker
Mike and Ike is kind of a divisive candy, I think. I just. What? Mike and Ike's. It's a divisive candy. Yeah, I don't like the licorice part of it. Oh, no, they're gross. They're disgusting. Jennifer eats us. but Well, so see, it's actually a unifying candy. It brings you two together. No, it doesn't. Because I know it sounds like it's driving them apart. Yeah. but But you know what? She purposely buys those not because she likes them so much, but she knows how much I hate them. So I'll never fucking take them from her.
00:22:24
Speaker
Yeah, but I get that. I get that. That's a passive aggressive way to say, fuck you, Greg. This is my candy. I'm not going to buy good candy because I know you'll eat it with a hot. I know you act with a Swedish fish. You son of a bitch. Isn't that the Swedish fish? I love it. Not to Molly is basically like Mike and Ike's, but it's like cinnamon flavored. Yeah, well, the same shape, but they're way better. Yeah, I like them way better. How about like they have different degrees of of heat on those?
00:22:53
Speaker
They're like Cheetos. They've got a, yeah, they've got like a flavor that's like extremely hot or wild hot or Kevin hot rectum burners. Can't even kill. What does that happen when you eat something spicy? Oh, jalapenos kill me. Okay. Let's get back to the topic. No, I don't understand why my butt has to feel the pain.
00:23:13
Speaker
The it's just it just is what it is, man. Just so so the secular phrases sparked occasional backlash from those who saw them as a racing Christmas. So now we're and um like you crap out like a cake or something like that. Your butt feels like the sweetness.
00:23:30
Speaker
from the frosting. I'm gonna have to let him just go. You do. well aren't you do yeah I just don't understand why it's only spicy. By the by the late 20th century, it's debates over holiday greetings had become politicized, reflecting broader cultural tensions.
00:23:47
Speaker
The phrase war on Christmas was popularized in the early 2000s, particularly by media finger media fingers, me fingers but media figures, and conservative commentators. They argued that using inclusive phrases like happy holidays undermined Christmas traditions.
00:24:04
Speaker
major corporations like Walmart, Macy's, and Starbucks adopted Happy Holidays in their marketing to avoid alienating non-Christian customers. I don't know if you guys remember in 2015 when Starbucks got like face backlash because they used plain red holiday cups without Christmas specific imagery. I actually remembered this after I started reading about it that they were like getting shit because they didn't have like, it wasn't Christmasy enough in people's eyes. Starbucks, who fuck cares?
00:24:34
Speaker
um Some people do care. I don't understand that these people that are kind of, let's just call them conservative religious people because maybe that's what they are. Wouldn't they be pro-capitalism and pro-business?
00:24:48
Speaker
They should be. And don't they know it's a business decision? They don't give a fuck what their customers really think. They just want to sell more units. I got some more units. We all want to sell more units. Similar debates have occurred in other countries such as Canada and the UK where inclusivity efforts sometimes clash with traditional holiday customs. So why can we not stop fighting about this?
00:25:12
Speaker
Because I guess there's won't stop bringing in it up. It's not won't Let it die Kevin not religion gentlemen, it's not it's tradition People are come on. lot These a lot of these people who who like complain about it. They're like the they're like the lapsed Catholic guilt people like they're not they're not you know Puritans. You know what I mean? They're like they're just it's just did they just want something to be angry about and it's tradition and they don't like their traditions. There's a 24 hour news cycle. They got to fill it with something. So people just say stupid shit.
00:25:47
Speaker
But a lot of people feel nostalgic, right, around Christmas time. We all, well, John doesn't. But more normal people do. I do feel like I feel nostalgia. But I don't rely on somebody else to make me feel nostalgic. Like, I don't care what Starbucks does. That doesn't affect how my season is going. If I was a Starbucks consumer, I wouldn't. But what is nostalgia? Nostalgia is you pick that time when you were at the right age for you to be influenced by something, whether that's TV, holiday, music, whatever, like you get that nostalgic feeling, right? So whatever it is that it's it's sort of like when people say, ah, it was a simpler time. Yeah, it was a simpler time whenever things were easy for you, right? So if you were a child of the 80s, then the 80s were a simpler time for you. So if these people
00:26:39
Speaker
just want to, you know, they they just think about this nostalgia and they want it to be that way because that's what they remember Christmas being. So they want it to be what they have in their mind. Right. Which is capitalism like Christmas. I mean, it is just about buying shit and eating sugar. That's what it's about. That's what they say. I know buying shit and sugar. Do you see buying shit and sugar? Buying shit and eating sugar.
00:27:07
Speaker
That's what you are really anti fucking sugar, buddy. I know I like sugar. I love sugar. But I'm saying like that. No, but you know that you're not eating sugar. right Not everything is about sugar. It doesn't it doesn't carry the same weight. I didn't say I didn't say I didn't say everything. i said I said two things, but you brought it up like it's just that would be like I would say what I think about capitalism and ah hockey sticks because when i I play hockey and It's just what you really does. Everybody, everybody, everybody gets very narrow worldview right now because you've deprived yourself of sugar. Now is, does everybody, do you eat candy over the holidays? Greg, do you eat more candy over the holidays and you eat? I don't i eat more. I tend, I'll eat more candy over Halloween.
00:27:51
Speaker
Well, there you go. But I don't eat. I do my, my candy consumption does not change one. I fucking Oda over Christmas. What about you? Do you have like cookies, cakes, like more sweets? No more than I do any other fucking time. You fucking son of a bitch. Thank you. You just love to point out how good you are. You don't have sugar this time of year.
00:28:20
Speaker
I feel bad about it. I don't know the words. holy Just gin made fucking like a homemade brownie cookie things and I couldn't have them and they looked I didn't eat a single one of them. How about looks so good? I bet they were delicious. I wouldn't know.
00:28:38
Speaker
Alright, that's that's my topic. My my point is my my whole thing. on This is it's never gonna stop. It's always gonna be a big issue It's and it's so stupid and it doesn't matter and why is everybody a victim? Why do you think point my point is? so like and stuff like Why do we care? Why do we care? Why is this important? You say Mary, you you know what when I am with somebody and they celebrate Christmas I say Merry Christmas. If I don't know I say happy holidays Because if they if it's Greg, I say happy Hanukkah. Humans are miserable beings overall that want to that are all hypocrites. Oh, yeah, that's that's really, really good, John. Like but it's really fun. I think the thing that's really interesting to me is, you know, like Republicans, the sugar, the sugar again, huh? Yes, it's about sugar. Everything's about sugar. No, it's that that, you know, when
00:29:30
Speaker
And the left has their version of this, right? the left type Whatever that is, right? they like so yeah whatever like They have something that's just overblown, and I can't think of an example right now, but but i they do. And when the left does it, it's the right says, oh, it's your snowflakes, right? But then there's snowflakes about Christmas. It's just like, if you are that upset because someone says happy holidays to you,
00:29:50
Speaker
You're a you're a pussy. Yeah, just an absolute little bitch. Can't handle life. Oh, my God. They hurt my feelings because they said Happy Holidays and not Merry Christmas. They literally think that people are saying happy holidays because they're woke and they don't want to be so fucking which makes them little snowflakes. Yeah. like Yeah. It's it's funny. I think I can't think of a better way to end my my section of the show. Thank you, John.
00:30:20
Speaker
I'm serious. I'm serious. It's fucking that you nailed it. You nailed it. All right, guys, I'll see you next week. All right. Next, Greg, you go because mine's really short.
00:30:32
Speaker
All right, guys, ah John knows what my topic is because i you I called them from said I called them from a pay phone.
00:30:43
Speaker
Oh, he called me. He took a time machine to 1987 and called me. Nice. And i said John was like, hey, Greg, how you doing? Wait, how old were you? I only got 10 minutes before I got to put another quarter in. So I got to drive 88 miles an hour to get. OK. So, yeah, I called him. I had one day of jury duty.
00:31:04
Speaker
And I'm like, Hey, John, have we ever done an episode about Krampus? And he goes, son of a bitch. That's what I was going to do it on, but I picked something else. So I said, good, I'm going to go back to jury duty. So Mike, what happened to jury duty, by the way? Yeah. Okay. So this is what we should have wars about.
00:31:27
Speaker
Not fucking whether people say happy holidays. I had to sit around in a fucking room for five hours and they basically said, if we call your name, you'll have to go see a judge and say, Hey, are are you going to be a good juror? And I'm going to be like, no, I, I fucking hate people with beards. And then they kicked me off the jury, but I just sat there in a room and then they're like, okay, you don't have to go.
00:31:53
Speaker
Later. So I wasted with drive time, like six hours and. I could have been doing anything else. It felt like, it felt like I spent time ah in an emergency room in hospital while I was there. You know, like time grinds to a halt when you're just waiting. Yeah. Oh my God. Where it feels like it's been six days. less yeah I think they would do an episode on this about jury duty. Cause no, we didn't. And there was no windows. So I couldn't, I can't even tell what time it is. You couldn't tell what time of day it was. You couldn't.
00:32:24
Speaker
just jump out and put yourself out of your misery. i think you like I think, I think me, like as a citizen going into a jury, knowing nothing about the law and deciding somebody's fate, that's a terrible system. Yeah, they it is. terror Like we have lawyers, lawyers should do it.
Jury Duty: A Personal Anecdote
00:32:39
Speaker
Yeah. Why do I know the law? Why do I even have to be threatened with it? Nobody.
00:32:44
Speaker
Nobody wants to do it. And if you do want to do it, there's something wrong with you. And I just realized that sitting in that room was a lot like being in Vegas. There's no windows. They pipe in oxygen and you lose all your money. Were you gambling? Yeah, I was gambling with my time, man. Yeah. Someone set up some cardboard. We started rolling dice, man. what ah Whatever. Whatever. We were killing time. Don't you hate it when fucking zero or double zero comes up because it's like, come on.
00:33:12
Speaker
I get it odd or even black or red, but double zero. I don't like that. All right, Krampus, Krampus, Krampus originates in Alpine folklore.
00:33:26
Speaker
particularly in Austria, Germany, and parts of Hungary, Slovenia, and Croatia. Okay. So you guys, if you ever looked at a map, you'd know where those places are. Okay. Just so you know, it's, so it's not the United States. Okay. I have a map. Kevin's coming up there and point to Austria, Germany. It's in the center one towards the top, I think.
00:33:53
Speaker
So, so Krampus is often depicted. Yeah, you found it. That's right. and Wait, that looks like Africa. I can't tell how high you're pointing. It's getting skinny jeans. Looks better. Kevin, are you wearing Kevin? Just so you listeners know at home, Kevin stood up and turned around and pointed to his map that's on his wall. And he has absolutely no ass. Have you ever done a squat?
00:34:19
Speaker
Uh, yeah, I just don't have an ass. It's part of my, it's in my jeans. I mean, not no, it's not. You don't have an ass in your jeans. Not these jeans, but yeah, my brother doesn't have an ass. I don't need it. So from a long line of ants, I come along from a long line of assless people. Do you know why you don't have an ass? Cause you don't do squats. Yeah. No. Cause I do squats actually. Yeah. Yeah, I do too. And it just says it never gets bigger. but yeah just I do glute exercises even. And I, yeah, glute specific.
00:34:48
Speaker
and Okay. What about you, John? You don't have an ass? I have sex with Kevin. In his glute. It's contagious. Yeah. If you stare at Kevin's ass for more than five seconds, your ass disappears. Yeah. yeah and it was we just We both just lost a little bit of ass when he was pointing at that map. so His pants completely.
00:35:14
Speaker
It was fucked up, but he doesn't get any of it. It just disappears. It seems like it would like our ass would go to his ass, but it doesn't. I think I get it. What what are we doing? what we doing Kevin's ass or Krampus? What's the difference? Okay. ah He's often depicted as half goat, half demon figure with horns, a long tongue,
00:35:35
Speaker
and clawed hands, kind of like Gene Simmons and kiss.
00:35:41
Speaker
right Krampus is seeing as a counterpart to St. Nicholas. Do you know who that is? Yeah. He's he's the least singer of Diamondback, right? Or he's the jolly guy and all those Coca Cola commercials. I don't know. I said Diamondback, but that's a mountain bike brand. It is. It is. I don't know mountain bikes and I don't know. band No, I was like, I know like three bands. All right.
00:36:07
Speaker
I think you meant Nickelback. I did. There you go. I did. like It's a nickel. It's it's like it's a more successful version of Nickelback. Yeah. I mean, let's be honest. Nickelback is a very forgettable band. So I don't I don't blame you there, John. Thank you. OK, so you know, how Santa Claus rewards good kids. He does. Krampus does the opposite. He hurts good kids. He is. is No. Oh, damn it.
00:36:35
Speaker
ah Well, double opposite, because he he he punishes naughty children. So Santa's got the good kids. He rewards them. But I don't understand this because he also brings a bunch of coal with them. So he fucks with kids, too, with bad kids. So I don't these are. Yeah, I mean, Santa supposedly doesn't, you know, well, I mean, or he just doesn't get stuff for the naughty kids, right? Yeah, he doesn't like hurt him. Yeah. Whereas Krampus,
00:37:05
Speaker
He's a motherfucker, dude. He is. And he's fucking horrifying. But what's your what's worse? Like, would you rather have a happy jolly guy that is like, fuck you? Here's some coal. And that sends a weird message, at least with campus. You know what you're getting. I mean, but I feel. Yeah, I feel I feel like Santa. He's definitely got a molest you kind of vibe. He's coming to your house. It's the rosy cheeks. Well, yeah. Yeah. How do they get to Rosie, Santa?
00:37:33
Speaker
I don't think he's got a molester kind of vibe. He's definitely got like a, he's got a bag, like a home invasion. yeah He definitely, he definitely requires kids to sit on his lap. That is true. yeah That's a good point. So let me see this about campus. Does he do anything good for the good kids or does he just fuck with the bad kids? No, he just works on the knots. Little Nazis in Germany, but not the Hitler youth.
00:37:57
Speaker
OK, so Krampus is part of the traditional Krampus Nacht, which means Krampus Night, which is celebrated on the night of December 5th. So we're already a few days past that just before this feast of St. Nicholas on Krampus Nacht.
00:38:14
Speaker
People dress up as Krampus, wearing elaborate costumes made of fur. Hey, people dress up as the bad guy? Yeah, well, Krampus doesn't exist, Kevin, so they gotta fucking dress up as him, just like people at the mall dress up like Santa Claus. Kevin, do you think Santa's real? Not anymore. Oh. By the tone in your voice. I'm sorry, buddy. well Yeah. Hey, who's my big boy? you You're gonna come back from this.
00:38:43
Speaker
Are you sweating, Kevin, right now? I still sit on your laptop. Are you having a place? You haven't a little panic right now because your world came crashing. No, mike I was wondering because like you're saying like people dress up as Krampus like in the same way that people dress up as Santa. Yeah, but different because like you'll see a whole series of people dress up like him and walk down the street, march down the street and they scare the fucking shit out of kids in hopes of them having good behavior.
00:39:12
Speaker
Not unlike not the same thing as Santa. No, it's not. Whoever said it was. Well, the justing out part. I just meant there's no real Santa. Oh, fuck. You made me say it. So they wear they wear furs and horns and masks and roam the streets to scare children. It sounds like cosplay.
00:39:33
Speaker
It is kind of cosplay. What are those? They're like puffy's. Is that what they're called? Fluffy's. Furby's. Furby's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's. Furry's.
00:39:53
Speaker
Yeah. So Krampus is tied to the Advent season and is seen as a symbol of moral behavior, contrasting the generosity of St. Nicholas with the consequences of misdeeds.
00:40:08
Speaker
Isn't that cool? That's yeah so cool. So if you're like a naughty little one, you took your little slingshot to the town and you started, I don't know, slingshot in fucking peanut shells at old fucking women or something. Did you do bad things as a kid because you're really not getting this right? I never did a bad thing. I was too scared. Because you don't put of ah peanut shells in your slingshot. That's not what you do. What do you use, rocks? Yeah. Yeah, usually rocks. Yeah. Because they do way more damage. All right. Well, you you guys are bad. I was a good boy.
00:40:45
Speaker
Krampus is often depicted as a terrifying creature. Oh, I already read that part. Sorry. He also might carry some chains or bells or a bundle of birch sticks to beat naughty children or threaten them.
00:40:58
Speaker
He says. That's mean. It's basically just my grandpa. Krampus is known to carry a basket or a sack to take away particular bad children, often to drown, eat or carry them off to hell. What? That's what he does. That's fucked up, man. No. You know what? You know what? it's this This is what they believe in cold climates. They're just so miserable. They just got to come up with the worst shit that can happen. What is it? Iceland, they believe in elves, right?
00:41:27
Speaker
Do they? Yeah, I think so. I think you're thinking of Narnia. J-R-R token. No, no, no, no. There's, there's, look it up. There's, what well, I'll do my next topic on it. I'm pretty sure that that in Iceland they believe in, or some people believe in elves.
00:41:43
Speaker
Yeah. Well, so there was something called a Krampus run where a bunch of people dressed up like Krampus and they form a parade and then they run around and fucking scare the shit out of everybody. It's kind of cool. I like to see it. Is Krampus real? And you said Santa wasn't.
00:41:59
Speaker
Do you think, do you think Krampus is real, Kevin? I'm asking the question, Greg. Do you think a beast from hell with, I described how he looked, right? Like he has, uh, he's half goat, half demon. He's got horns, a long tongue at Gene Simmons. Do you think he's real? Gene Simmons is real. Yes. Yeah. I think, I think Gene Simmons is real. Well, he's not half goat. Oh, other than that, sure about that.
00:42:24
Speaker
goodby Kevin, here's what I believe. If you have enough evil in your heart, Krampus is real. Okay. Thank you, John. I appreciate that. You're welcome. So guys, you want to hear about Krampus and popular culture? I mean, yes chat GPT said you would. Glad you guys are on board. The figure of Krampus has seen a resurgence in modern pop culture, particularly in films such as the 2015 horror comedy,
00:42:54
Speaker
Krampus. I never saw that, did you guys? It was pretty good. I liked it. What? So what? Krampus, the movie. Oh, in 2015? Yes, John. What the fuck? I don't care when you saw it. Did you see it at all? Oh, I saw it in 2016. Doesn't count. Doesn't count. I don't want to know then. I have not seen it.
00:43:17
Speaker
You should watch it. You should watch it this holiday season. you'll is it Is it is it like a legit funny horror movie? It is funny. And yeah, it's it's fucking good. It's got that guy in it with the guy from ah Children's in Hospital. You know, the guy with that's bald and he used to have that little puff of hair on the front. Oh, corduroy. Rob Corduroy. Yeah, yeah. Rob Corduroy. He's good. He's good now.
00:43:43
Speaker
So let's see. He's also appeared in various comic books, music, and video games, where his image is often used in more humorous or darkly satirical ways. I didn't know that Krampus's influence has spread beyond Europe with people around the world embracing the concept of Krampus.
00:44:01
Speaker
Greg, be honest. Are you reading this for the first time? Yeah. Okay. Yes. Um, it's hard to read what chat GPT bunches out to because it's, it's often written almost like AI. So, Oh yeah, that's weird. I don't know if you've noticed that before. Yeah.
00:44:18
Speaker
No, I read it earlier, but I just, um, I didn't pay it. You know, like sometimes you read something for about 30 minutes and you're like, I wasn't kidding. That's every time I read a book. Yeah. So I don't bother. yeah to Your brain's all like half of it's on vacation the other half has seen him a snack yeah i mean and then the other half Because there's three halves is worried about something I'm reading ah what Marcus Aurelius like I forget his like wrote a book like it's like 2,000 years old or whatever 1400 years old man I John we can't hear you if you live and you don't talk into your mic
00:44:54
Speaker
Marcus Aurelius better reading that book And I and I have to I read a page a night because I can't go further than that because the way it's written and I just I can't do it. It's so like dense. It's not even dense It's just like it's not done like a book is today where it's like chapters. It's like it just kind of all runs together And so it just I don't know but for me. ah Yeah, it's like i'm just I'm getting sleepy just listening to you talking Right. Yeah, this is and and your monotone and fucking NPR voice is crushing our spirit to live. Good. Kill yourself. My sweaty balls.
00:45:29
Speaker
OK, Krampus and modern paganism. Some modern day pagan and neo-pagan groups adopt Krampus as a symbol of the winter solstice, representing the dark side of the seasonal cycle before the return of the light. In some places, Krampus mythos intersects with other winter spirits from global folklore, such as the Yule goat or bill's nickel did you o bell snuckle Bill Bill Snickle? Yeah, Bill Snickle. Bill Snickle Ford.
00:46:03
Speaker
Why? Come on down. We got a special going on in F-150s. I'm going to burn your children down to Bill's Nickel Ford. You've been thinking about the new Explorer. I'm half goat, half demon. yeah But the deals are the deals are straight from hell.
00:46:25
Speaker
Deals so good, you'll drown your kids. Don't get into a wreck because we removed all the airbags.
00:46:34
Speaker
Okay, ah so let's see symbolism of Krampus. Krampus can be interpreted as a symbol of discipline and punishment, a reminder of consequences for bad behavior. He can also be seen as a contrast to the yeah overly commercialized, sanitized image of Christmas. This is where it kind of hooks in with what Kevin talked about when I was paying attention for that one minute.
00:46:56
Speaker
Mm hmm. The focus on the darker, more primal forces associated with winter and the human experience, because winter's a fucking like a dredge through muddy ass fucking snow and it makes you just hate your fucking life. And that's why like heart attacks go up because people don't ever work out and they just start shoveling their fucking snow off the walkway because if they don't do it, no one else is going to fucking do it. Or they just live in Southern California where there's. Stress is shit release. When's the last time you shoveled snow, Greg?
00:47:27
Speaker
fuck you john is are you talking about are you talking about nose beers like no nose beers nose beers you know a little he's talking about cocaine oh okay you know you call it a nose beard nose beers it's a nose beer You never heard that before? No. I haven't either. Have you ever heard of Krampus before? I've done cocaine with Krampus. Fuck yeah, you have. I've done enough cocaine to see Krampus. All right, guys, that's Krampus. Yay, Krampus.
00:48:06
Speaker
You know, ah but so like I think it's interesting that like we still and I know I have a four year old and I'm not going to lie. We've we've said things like if you want Santa to come. You better be good. You have the elf on the shelf as like a fucking spy. I don't want anything to do with the elf on the shelf because I will just do weird shit like the stuff you see on Instagram. I was totally what I would do.
00:48:29
Speaker
Oh, so you can't be just a good person. No, no, you're going to like have it like in positions with Barbie and stuff. Well, maybe not quite that. I don't have any Barbies in the house because, i don't you know, but would you have them buy a bunch of empty beer bottles and like fucking wrecking his T-bird? Yeah, something like that. Yeah. OK. Are you my elf on the shelf? Yep. Yeah, I don't want it. Evan doesn't believe in it. He only believes in haircuts. I only believe in Santa and Krampus.
00:48:56
Speaker
I mean, John, you've got to bring something good to this, buddy. Oh, I am. I am. So so mine is a little bit lighter, lighter. than not best It's not about threatening children. It's not about threatening children. So mine is about Umar Farooq Abdul Mutabla. OK, the Christmas Day bomber, AKA the underwear bomber. Was born on December 22nd, 1986. Do you guys remember this?
00:49:25
Speaker
No. You remember the underwear bomber? I do remember the underwear bomber. He ruined going down on your partner for everybody. So, so. He, um yeah, he basically on.
The Underwear Bomber's Absurdity
00:49:40
Speaker
I think John was just hoping that we both heard, remember him and he wouldn't have to say anything else. yeah like good night zo The listeners out there, do you remember? yeah fuck up His ah son of Al Ahaj Yumaran Mutallab is known to have had multiple wives as in common in some Muslim communities. He had at least two wives, including Umar Farrukh's mother, Aisha.
00:50:04
Speaker
So, uh, I'm going to just going to call him the under bomber instead of saying his name over and over again. Uh, he was born in, he was born in Nigeria. His father is a prominent Nigerian banker and was a former chairman of the first bank of Nigeria. So pretty upstanding citizen. I mean, yeah, yeah. i think Things are going well so far.
00:50:24
Speaker
I think it's really fascinating, right? Because ah Saddam Hussein, right. I'm not Saddam Hussein. ah Oh, shit. Osama bin la Laden. Yeah, he was like, you know, he was the son of like a wealthy family. And so it's just like I feel sometimes like if you're ah in some of these countries that hate America and you're like the son of a if you don't have anything to do you have a lot of time, you just make some bad choices. Well, they're saying that like it was Luigi. Yeah, I was just going to bring him up. You were bringing it up to. Yeah, he was an Ivy League grad. Yeah.
00:50:54
Speaker
And his grandparents were like super wealthy, like they owned country clubs or something. yes Yeah. Yeah. So money, wealth plus free time, plus no direction, I think equals bad things. Um, yeah and, and like, I don't want to go off on a tangent, but I really thought that this guy was like screwed over by insurance companies or something, but we got that much money. You probably weren't. i Yeah. The same thing. And i I think I even made the same face that Kevin made,
00:51:22
Speaker
Yeah. Hi. So I'm curious. Are you guys like because I know again, I'm watching a lot of people on Facebook. I'm not going to stop Twitter like celebrating the death of this guy.
00:51:33
Speaker
Yeah, and and and calling him a here calling Luigi a hero. Yeah, I don't know his last name, but Luigi's good enough. Well, you know, we probably get fucking tired of saving the princess. I'm going to do it over and over again. So he wasn't one doing it. His brother was handling all that. Well, yeah I mean, I'm sure Luigi was involved. He was he was tactical.
00:51:57
Speaker
Were you gonna say something anti-murder or something like that? you like Yeah, just just I think it's very disgusting. or very not very I think it's very sad that so many people are like so celebrating the death of this guy. right i mean this is just it's you know Our healthcare care system is fucked up, but it's not this guy's fault. i don't write I don't know how people were necessarily celebrating it, but what it did bring to the surface was how many people have gotten completely fucked by the healthcare care system. yeah but but think If you think about it, how many deaths is the healthcare system responsible for? They're making this guy into some sort of a martyr and he's not he didn't do this
00:52:42
Speaker
Well, we don't know why he did this, but I tend to agree with what you're saying, Kevin, but I mean, at least it's shining a light onto how just completely corrupted this our system is. I didn't know it needed a light. I thought we already knew that. Well, it's bringing it in onto our fucking podcast right now. So obviously something's happening. That's right. Because I've talked about health care before. We have. This is it's probably boring too then. It was so boring. It was a John. It was definitely a John. Oh yeah. It was the one I did after taxes.
00:53:14
Speaker
so ah All right. Underwear. Underwear. let's Underwear guy. whyy tddy Whitey. Whiteys got radicalized by extremist ideology and sought to retaliate against U.S. military actions in the Middle East. He was influenced by Al Qaeda and the Arabian. people Oh, that old saw that and inspired by their anti-American rhetoric.
00:53:38
Speaker
You guys familiar with anti-American rhetoric? Nope. Yes. It's been most recently seen on college campuses. So it's there. Yep. Yep. Yep. Uh, like college is a waste of time these days.
00:53:54
Speaker
and money. So, through the looms, it was recruited by a QAP. He didn't say you were going to keep changing his name. No, you've got to keep doing it. It's great. Having enough time following the narrative on Walter White.
00:54:12
Speaker
yeah that's We haven't got to the part where he cooks meth yet, but he does. That's where things really go south for him. It really spiraled. He was recruited while he was in New England. Then he got a lawyer for comic relief, but that lawyer ended up having a prequel. Pretty good. A lot of people can't decide which show was better. Tidy Whitey show or Spanx.
00:54:39
Speaker
so what is What did he change? It was Saul Goodman? Is that what he changed his name to? It's all good, man. It's all good. man Good man. Um, so the plot involves smuggling an explosive device onto a US bound flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on December 25th, 2009, which is the Lord's something birthday. That's it. Do we say it was a birthday December 25th? Yeah, it's, it's, it's Jesus's birthday. Yeah. yeah And what's Easter? That's just when he ah came back to life.
00:55:11
Speaker
That's when he rose from that also three days of maybe he called a birthday there. So wait, what is the two birthday? What is the 45 days of Lent for? Look, man, this is not the podcast. I'm the wrong Jew. Yeah, this is not this is not something that we should ever discuss. So the bomb was made, especially for all we're doing is chat. It's not thorough, is it?
00:55:37
Speaker
i don't I didn't learn anything about Krampus. No one's more disappointed than me. I literally found out everything about Krampus as I was reading it to you guys. It wasn't good.
00:55:52
Speaker
I get more Gene Simmons. Okay. And what happened to Paul Stanley? John, continue. um Did Paul, just did Paul, taylor did he write Beth? Beth? No, that was Peter k Chris. Okay. All right. You know a lot more about kiss than I thought you would know. really are quite the expert Every night when he goes to bed, he paints his face white, puts a star on the black star. That was Paul Stanley. Well, yeah.
00:56:19
Speaker
the Shit band terrible Okay, what was the movie about them about the the kids going to see kiss? There's a lot of them Oh the one that they were in Detroit Rock City. Oh, that was a that was a good movie it was ever I don't know if I ever saw that movie, but I know when you're talking to my movie The bomb was made of pet in a powerful plastic explosive and hidden in his underwear While boarding the plane, he successfully passed through security with a bomb at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport. and And where was he heading? Detroit, from Detroit, Amsterdam to Detroit. You know, because people were like, it's like, you know, I just visited this amazing city. You know, I should go to Detroit. What all comes for full circle with the with the Detroit Rock City? Oh, it does. Wow. Look at us. OK, we can stop there. um We're not going to do better.
00:57:13
Speaker
So while nearing Detroit, he went to the restroom to, to pair, to prepare the device. And when he got back to a seat, he tried to detonate the bomb, but it failed to explode properly. Cause it was in his fucking underwear. And so this is yeah it was like, he was like ball sweating all over it. so but I shorted it out. His underwear it catches fire, leaving the smoke and panic in the cabin.
00:57:37
Speaker
That sounds right. Panic. Because you definitely don't want to be in a plane and see smoke. That definitely is a flight attendant coming from some dude's underwear. That's not right. Flight attendant poured a fucking cup of coffee on him on his junk and then he sued McDonald's. Well, because I know he's a gazillionaire because he had a he had a skin graft on his pee pee. So.
00:58:00
Speaker
um So nearby pastors and crew members quickly intervened using blankets, fire extinguishers, and bare hands to do, who's it running out of underwear brands? Underarm. Hanes. Hanes and put out the fire. Under Armour was it restrained and taken into custody when the plane when the plane made an emergency landing in Detroit. So, which is weird because it was already heading to Detroit. So why don't they make an emergency landing somewhere else? Well, it wasn't actually at an airport. It was just right in the middle of the city because they're a bunch of fucking drama queens. They're like, this is emergency landing. um You're right over the airport. They actually actually flight two for two. You are. You are on schedule. So we just cleared you to land. So you don't need the drama you to land. There's cops waiting there. Just you put out the we put up guy trying to set up his job, put up the boxer brief fire. Right. Oh, nice. Nice.
00:58:58
Speaker
me undies yeah so yeah me undies was uh uh so he initially claimed to have acted on the website with for underwear brands now i'm just i'm just really trying to lose try to come off the top of my head i'm like all right what are other brands good um did you guys have fruit of the looms yeah oh underoos did you guys do underoos i already said underoos you weren't listening because i were talking about something i missed underoos too greg yeah so sorry but the game i did i think i had underoos when i was yes when i was a kid john you don't wear them now i don't believe so no Did you wear Wonder Woman underoos? No, I had Scooby-Doo ones, and my dad used to call me Dog Butt. He haunted me. He still calls you Dog Butt. Well, that's because he basically has the ass of a dog. that's because That's because he spins around in circles before he sits down. And he has he has no ass, but it's incredibly hairy. And he likes most he likes to walk around showing everybody his butthole. That's a good point.
00:59:58
Speaker
like I'm not a particularly hairy person though. Dogs don't have butt cheeks either. No, they don't. Just like Kevin. but you know Why? Because they don't do squats. Yeah. How do you explain how they poop? They're really a squat. What do you call it? <unk> that's a squat. i mean I mean, their front paws aren't off the ground or anything.
01:00:22
Speaker
but It's not like they got a barbell across their shoulders or anything, but that's a squat. John, continue with Krampus.
01:00:32
Speaker
ah Enlighten us, please. What was he trying to light out with? Did he have a Zippo? How did he get that through the airport? I don't like Amsterdam. I don't think it was a Zippo. It was like a chemical reaction. It was like something like- Oh, that's what he's going for. Okay. And it didn't, didn't react well. Was he wearing two pairs of underwear and you just hope that they'd rub together and spark something?
01:00:49
Speaker
How did you think he was going to get away? I mean, I don't understand. Well, no, he's going to it was going to be a he was going to be a suicide bomber. No, I know, John. that was Oh, oh, sorry. Why do you want the bomb to start in your in your fucking genital area? Because you get you get you get three extra virgins if you do it that way. But no, when you get up there.
01:01:08
Speaker
When you get up there, you have no junk. Well, God feels bad for you. He's like, here, have some more birds. And he gives well he gives you 12-inch pipe when you get there. He does? yeah yeah Yeah. That's what he calls it. yeah You got the wrong religion, Greg. I sure did. Yep.
01:01:23
Speaker
I was just born on earth with a 12 inch dong. Yeah. That's a baby with a 12 inch dick.
01:01:35
Speaker
That's wrong with you. Soft. So many things wrong. Because you kept getting baby heart ons. It took me five years to learn to walk because I was lightheaded.
01:01:52
Speaker
but Nope, nope, don't like this. He couldn't crawl, he had to go over his back. Oh God. What? I couldn't quite make it. oh Get them pole vaulting around. How does he keep getting over the gate? It's called a running start.
01:02:21
Speaker
oh We can't keep this kid contained. And you see the size of a dick. Oh, OK. He initially it's baby Greg and his awkwardly large penis wouldn't fit in standard and underoos. Oh.
01:02:46
Speaker
Oh, okay. Uh, he initially claimed to have acted alone, but later cooperated with investigators and evidence and intelligence connected him to Al Qaeda operatives in Yemen. And. All right. Someone give me, give me an underwear brand. What else do we got? What do we get left? Oh, I have some Pumas. There we go.
01:03:05
Speaker
yeah
01:03:08
Speaker
Puma was charged in the US with attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction among other charges and he pleaded guilty to all counts and was sentenced to life in prison without parole.
01:03:22
Speaker
um He's actually in Colorado. is he's He's jailed in Colorado. You guys have ah some sort of maximum security prison in Colorado where there's like a lot of cartel leaders and all kinds of like crazy people. Oh, good. It's underwear, guys. yeah That's where Saul's, not Saul, that's where Walter White is. Walter White's dead. Oh, it's ah that's it. It's ADX for alerts. ADX Florence in Colorado. That's where it's at. Oh, okay.
01:03:49
Speaker
um And so he is now in prison for the rest of his life and we'll never get out and What do we learn Every time we think we have a security figured out or terrorists forgot another way to get a bomb on the plane What what year was you say?
Conclusion: Life Sentence for the Bomber
01:04:07
Speaker
2000 2009 2009. Okay, yeah Christmas Day 2009 So he's yeah, he's known as the the Christmas Day bomber or the underwear, but the underwear is the Christmas Day bombers would like the government calling him, but at the underwear bomber is what the media and pop culture. I mean, it's just it's way, it's way better. It rolls off the tongue, you know, like. yeah Well, you really tried to find the most fucking cynical thing related to the holidays as possible, didn't you, John?
01:04:30
Speaker
Instead of talking about your, your mom's fruitcake recipe, you got to come up with a fucking. Underwear bomber. Well, what I was trying to do is I was going to do Krampus. And then when you, you called me and I was like, well, I guess I won't do you told me he had already picked something else by the time we talked on the fence about it. And then, and then I just felt bad for you. I felt bad for you. I lied to you. When was the last time either of you had a fruitcake?
01:04:53
Speaker
I've never had a fruitcake. 20 years. Probably like my grandmother used to get them. I was a kid when I had a fruitcake. Was it just as bad then? just I actually liked them. You liked it? I like a fruitcake. Yeah. I like a fruitcake. I do. Sure. yeah I think they're good. I'm just curious because it gets such a bad rap, but I don i don't know.
01:05:13
Speaker
Like I don't know what they taste like. guess It's like a super dense cake because it has nuts and fruit and and the way it's like, is it grounded? It's like how it's made it super dense. It's not really a cake either, right? It's, it's fucking, yeah noro it's more like a, like a really like dense, thick dry bread. That's what it's like. Oh, that's a, that's a horrible sales pitch. Yeah. You ever, you ever had a, um, there's like a. ah You're eating cardboard. know there's there's a brand of ah There's a brand of like bread that they, it's rice bread and it's kind of, have you ever had that? it's You can get it at Trader Joe's. It's it's like kind of like that. It's like kind of chew it's like dense and chewy.
01:05:51
Speaker
so ah It's Krampus. Well thank you everybody for joining us for History Defeats Itself. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.
01:06:04
Speaker
Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Hanukkah. Season's greetings. Happy New Year. Yes. Happy Krampus. Happy underwear. And happy. Did we say Happy New Year? I said Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Did I miss anything, Greg? I'll see you next forum. You see what? I'll see you next forum.
01:06:34
Speaker
Could you spell that? I don't have to take your word for that. P-U-R-I-M. Google it. Have a wonderful holiday, everybody, from from all of us. This is going on way too long, Kevin. From our family to yours, go fuck yourself.