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Cats | A Comedy Podcast
291 Plays1 year ago
If you often find yourself wondering, "What is the historical and cultural impact of felines," you've come to the right place. On this episode, John enlightens his co-hosts, and the world, about all things cats. Also, we discuss chlamydia and The Shawshank Redemption.
https://linktr.ee/historydefeatsitself
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Transcript
Encouraging Openness and Vulnerability
00:00:00
Speaker
I know that you have a hard time being open and vulnerable, but some people don't. So, you know, let's not make fun of people who love themselves, okay? I like how you talk sometimes in a very psychological way. Psychologist way. Right. Do you think that's how you're gonna get through to me? Well, I'm using a softer tone to get through your big fucking stupid hand.
Introduction to 'History Defeats Itself'
00:00:28
Speaker
History Defeats Itself is a comedy podcast. Kevin, John, and Greg are not experts, historians, or even all that smart.
00:00:41
Speaker
Hello and welcome to History Defeats Itself. My name is Kevin Rosenquist. Thank you for joining us. We are a comedy podcast that wonders why we as humans never seem to learn from our history. As always, I am joined by my two co-hosts, neither of which stole your Halloween candy, John and Craig. How you guys doing?
00:01:01
Speaker
Just finishing up the Snickers bar that I found. We're recording this in advance, but Halloween was the day before this whole
Halloween Experiences and Hangover Humor
00:01:12
Speaker
air. So how was your Halloween? My Halloween was good. I went as a sexy nurse. Okay. John, every year you're a sexy nurse. It was a very expensive leather costume. So I got two years.
00:01:29
Speaker
I have to assume that I have a hangover right now, because I like to drink on Halloween. It is a good assumption. I have a hangover and chlamydia. Whoa. I don't know. It gets crazy. That's why you dress up as a sexy nurse, man. Yes, it is rectal chlamydia that I have. I hear that's way less dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. It's very treatable.
00:02:03
Speaker
I'm just imagining what I do at home or do I have them treat me? Is it a pill or suppository? It's like a SIDS bath.
00:02:12
Speaker
Oh, Epsom salt. Here's everything. Those are comfy when you get in there. Yeah, just just so everyone has Epsom salt does not cure. So please. Well, I mean, have you tried it yet? Yeah, I mean, right. I have no evidence that that is the case. Everyone knows that's tic tacs. Mentos. The fresh maker. Mm hmm. What you do is you get into a bath of Diet Pepsi. Oh, yeah. You drop a bunch of Mentos in.
00:02:41
Speaker
You jump in really fast. And then your chlamydia goes with it. You think they feel good? Like how fizzy it might feel really good. Like anything? No, no, no, no. The Mentos Pepsi math. Not not chlamydia. But again, maybe I don't know.
00:02:58
Speaker
All right. Well, that's expensive. Hey, Kevin, how are you doing? I'm doing good. How was your Halloween? It was great. We had candy and jack-o'-lanterns. You know, on a serious note, my son is obsessed with with Nightmare Before Christmas now. Oh, cool. It's not a bad thing to have to watch, but we're on the lot. We're on like the fourth time in the past two days. And I mean, it's a great movie and those songs are great, but I can't get I can't get this is Halloween out of my head.
00:03:28
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I think I fucking hate that song. This is Halloween. This. Yeah. Don't say it. I don't think I actually like that movie. That's like Marie Mariah Carey with the Christmas song. Mariah Carey does a version of that of the Christmas with the Christmas song that she has. Oh.
00:03:56
Speaker
We'll just start the word Christmas in there somewhere it's fine All right, all right as riveting as this is John what you got for us
00:04:10
Speaker
Oh shit. Wait, what?
Viral Social Media Trends
00:04:13
Speaker
Okay. So, you know how there's this thing called Facebook and TikTok and Instagram and how now there's all these like videos that you can watch that people put out and a lot of there's like things where people are petting wild animals or trying to get pictures of wild animals and then the wild animal attacks because they're humans and they're stupid and they just get attacked by like a bear because they're like,
00:04:37
Speaker
I've seen it. Yeah. Yeah. So what you're saying is that what you're saying is there's videos out there of people acting like idiots. Just a couple. OK. Maybe nine. Haven't haven't really seen them. Yeah. You got to dig. Not familiar. I really like the ones where like different species of animals get along with each other. I do like those. I love it. Like you see a bird standing on top of a turtle or something like that and they're going for a ride. And there's like a frog on top of the bird's head. You guys are very easily entertained. I love that shit.
00:05:07
Speaker
I'm sorry that we have hearts, Kevin. I also love panda videos. Yeah. Yeah. They're little buggers. They're so stupid. Yeah. Yeah. They're funny. Like I don't think that they're ever going to take over the world. Panda is not China. China's probably going to do that. That's what pandas know. China's already pretty much there. Yeah. Yeah. They're crushing it right now. All right. So this was a great episode. See you guys next time. So
The Domestication of Cats vs. Dogs
00:05:34
Speaker
get me thinking about domestication of animals, and my topic tonight, gents, is cats. Oh. We did run on dogs, so that makes sense. I know. We did. Cats. I don't want not much of a fan. I like cats. I'm allergic to them.
00:05:54
Speaker
I don't know, they're kind of mean. That's a, it's a general very, you know, it's just stereotype, but it's a generalization. I think stereotype for a reason, John, because you don't know how to treat a cat. That's why they're mean to you. Yeah. Just because I try to bat them away with sticks does not mean I don't know how to treat them. That's true.
00:06:16
Speaker
Good point. Yeah, and you're not supposed to hold them up. Actually, that is not how you're supposed to treat them, is it? No. Okay. No, they don't like that. Okay. But they do destroy your furniture. I had a- One of her cats had to go to the vet today. Oh no, that was a lot of money. Because she had a urinary
00:06:31
Speaker
Cat infection. I think it's still a tract. No. No. Okay. So UCI. Yeah. I'm like, and I said, Hey, Jen, how much that cost? And she's like, I don't know, like 275. I'm like 275 for us to find out that the cat needs to drink some cranberry juice. So is it like tiny little cats inside her urinary tract? Is that why it's the,
00:06:54
Speaker
It's a UCI. Yeah. And the little the little cats are like hanging on. So it's painful for her to pee. They don't want to come out. Yeah. Is that how it works? That's how it worked. All right. This is the most intelligent podcast out there.
Myths and Legends about Cats
00:07:11
Speaker
I also heard something interesting about cats is cats will if you die and, you know, you're you happen to have cats in your house, they'll start eating you within like 15 minutes. That is a myth.
00:07:22
Speaker
No, it's not. No, it is a myth. No. Who did the research? Who went to Wikipedia? Me or you, buddy? Did you guys hear... I know this is way off topic, but did you guys hear that the oldest dog in the history of the world died recently? 31 years old? Yeah. 31 years old. Jesus Christ. That's pretty old for a... That's an old dog, man. That's crazy. He was, for most of his life, a good boy. Pretty crabby at the end, though.
00:07:52
Speaker
Yeah, I'll bet. I'll bet. And they said that he was he was raised on a farm, never had ever had a leash on him and always just ate whatever the people ate. Whatever, like human food. They were cannibals? So Taco Bell. No, I didn't say that people ate the people. They ate what the people ate. Oh, so if I was eating a human, I would call that human food. So yeah, if he's a dog, it's not really cannibalism. Yeah, that's true. He'd have to eat other dogs.
00:08:18
Speaker
That's true. But that's not at all what I said. No, I was able to follow along with you, Kevin. OK, good. I heard it here first. Kevin supports cannibalism. He does. I think sometimes you're right now. It's true. You're hungry and there's no there's no pops nearby. The domestic cat or Felis Cattus.
00:08:43
Speaker
Friendly family pet or demon cast out of hell to walk the earth until the return of the kings or Jesus comes back.
00:08:52
Speaker
What is that sentence? Is this how history defeats itself? I didn't follow that sentence. I said, friendly family pet or demon cast out of hell to walk the earth until the return of the king or Jesus comes back. So that's a multiple. It's a Lord of the Rings reference and a Bible reference because I'm trying to broaden our audience base.
00:09:14
Speaker
OK, well, I don't think we're going to get the Christians. You don't know. Well, not with that attitude. No, that's true. That's true. You have to be super close minded and damn people to hell. I damn people to hell. And I'm pretty sure we have literally shit on the Bible on this podcast before. I don't remember doing that, but I could have. Sounds like me. It definitely sounds like a Greg.
00:09:44
Speaker
Could've been an accident. I didn't purposely do it. I would never do that. That's really blasphemous. I take all that back. Don't ever do that. No, I wouldn't destroy somebody's religious text. It's just a book you buy at the store. I mean, that's true. And if they didn't want me to destroy it, why are they selling it to me? I mean, would you shit on a Stephen King book? I think it will. Shawshank Redemption for sure. What? I didn't like that. Fuck it. Everyone loves that movie. I didn't like it.
00:10:15
Speaker
You didn't, that was for real? Yeah. How do you feel about Rudy? Rudy, did he write Rudy? No, I just want to gauge what kind of human you are. Rudy's cheesy is Disney-ish, but it's fine. Yeah, it was good.
00:10:32
Speaker
But Shawshae, I don't know that I've ever met anyone who didn't like Shawshae. I don't really like it. I'm not picking on you. There's movies I like that everybody likes, and then whatever. It's fine. I think it's What's His Face that was married to Susan Sarandon. Tim Robbins. Tim Robbins, yeah. I don't really like that guy. I think I've heard you guys. Sheena hates the movie The Princess Bride. Oh, shit. OK. She's the only one I've ever heard that does not like that movie. Is it because of Fred Savage?
00:10:56
Speaker
That's a good reason, but no, no, she just says, she's like, I just don't get it. I've tried so many times and I just, I'm like, yeah, whatever. And that hate, hate's probably a strong word. She just was like, well, I don't really like it. It's not, not for me. And that's okay. Cause she's okay. Cause she's hot. Is that what you said? Okay. Whoa. She is, but whoa. Come on. Respect, Greg respect.
00:11:17
Speaker
Yeah. Cats or philidae femalia. Oh, God, we're going back to this? No, no, this is a pretty sentence. It is? Yes. It's exactly like the previous sentence. No. It was a lot of real estate. It was a lot of real estate. It was a lot of real estate. It was a lot of real estate. It was a lot of real estate.
00:11:36
Speaker
How many different fucking, how many? Okay, go ahead. I'm, I really want to think of Greg. Listen, you're right. I could literally find only seven cat facts. So I got to stretch this out. Is that why you're talking so slowly? Now I'm doing roundabout one. He was just staring at us for long periods of time. Please say something. Okay. I took all my notes and put it on the back of a napkin. Sorry.
00:12:03
Speaker
It's your turn drawn to talk. I got to pee a little bit. So I better, I better just pick it up. I better pick up the pace because this little bit's going to turn into a lot pretty soon because that's how my bladder works. So because I am in my forties and this is like closer to 50 now. Um, you're still in your forties. That's true. Uh, are categorized in three genera. Did you say cats are categorized? There's basically like they break them into three different types of cats. Right. So you have, you have, you ready? Yes.
00:12:35
Speaker
Pantera, these are cats that roar such as lions, tigers, cougars, AKA nopes. Yes. Pangea. So a lot of people don't know this, but the earth was, it's just, we're all sitting on top of a giant cat. So I didn't say Pangea. I said Pantera. I know. And I said Pangea.
00:12:54
Speaker
Wait, you said this was on cats tonight, right? Yes. So why are we talking about, like, lions and tigers and stuff? Well, because they're... We're getting... It's just... I'm telling... Shut the fuck up, Kevin. It's totally related. Dumbass. Just kidding.
Cheetahs: Unique Characteristics
00:13:09
Speaker
I'm kidding. I thought he was going to say, why are we talking about Pangea? Listen, if you want to get to the story where cat bites my dick, you gotta let me build it up. Okay.
00:13:19
Speaker
That didn't really happen, but I'm hoping. Oh, you better tell a story similar to that now. That's the only thing keeping our audience right now. AC know it. AC no nicks, which the only cat that falls into this this genera is the cheetah.
00:13:36
Speaker
Which is very lonely for the cheetah, I feel like. Why is it its own thing? Because of how it's built and basically like they using DNA and stuff like that, they can only. There's no other living cat that carries whatever classifies as that. So. So what you're saying is what makes it unique is that it's unique. Yes. Yes, that is. Gotcha. Yes. It's really fast.
00:14:00
Speaker
Yeah. And it's, and it's like build a lot leaner. It has a lot longer legs, like compared to his body than most of these. Is it a fuckhead like every other cat? Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's just part of their nature. That's just a stereotype, Greg. Does it stare you in the eye and look at and, and knock your water bottle over. Yeah. The nightstand. Yes. As you're laying there unable to move, cause it's broken your neck and eating you, it, it lies with your organs and knocks them out of your body.
00:14:27
Speaker
I'm like, the only thing that's going to save me is a sip of water. I don't have cats, guys. These sounds. Well, they say that if you're if you're a cat, if your house cat was the size of a cheetah, it would absolutely kill you. So. Well, no shit. Look at Siegfried and Roy. One of those guys got fucked up. Can't remember who it was. But that was actually a tiger. It's a fucking big cat, dude. Yeah. Who cares what it was?
00:14:56
Speaker
I mean, the guy who get bit. At that point, I don't think he cared what bit him, I think he cared. He lived, he lived, right? Oh, he died. He lived when it was miserable. He may eventually die. He's not still alive, is he?
00:15:10
Speaker
I don't know, John, would you mind having research? And then, uh, and then finally you have a felis, which are all other small cats, such as the cats and the Broadway sensation cats. Oh, yeah. Oh, I never saw that. I, you know, I haven't either. I just, I remember like that you said advertiser all the time on television. When I was a kid, I don't regret not seeing it either. Yeah. Do you see the movie? Mm.
00:15:36
Speaker
No. All right. I heard that that was really bad. Like if you don't, like you need to take shrooms or something to watch it and that's the only way it's even tolerable. I think shrooms to see a movie. There's a problem. I totally remember John. You said there were commercials for it. You're right. I remember that now. I remember there were always commercials for cats. Yeah. Yep. Cats at the Pantages. We don't have the Pantages in Alabama. I was in Los Angeles. I don't have that either.
00:16:05
Speaker
They're like at the Robert E. Lee theater. Cats. That's what he was watching when he got fucking assassinated. John Wilkes Booth was an actor in Cats.
00:16:23
Speaker
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna shoot Abe. Oh, we should do a musical. We should write a musical about this. I wrote a musical too soon. You did? Was it called Tommy? What was it about? Let's see, was it Tommy?
00:16:45
Speaker
It was Tommy. I knew it. Actually, it was it was the lesser known original work, Thomas and the train. Yeah, the train. I wrote a musical about Thomas the train engine. Thomas the tank engine. I was a tank engine. You wrote it. You don't know. I dude, I was so fucking high when I wrote that. How high are you right now? Medium. OK.
00:17:16
Speaker
I actually get that. You see medium. So I can't do this podcast. I'd be dumber than I already am. Yeah, you know, it's it's tough stuff. Oh, classification of the filidae family is difficult in part because of the difficulty in distinguishing species of their phenotype and morphology. You guys know what that means? Not a single word mad on them either.
00:17:47
Speaker
Just so you guys know, the sick feet and Roy have both passed.
Humorous Conspiracy Theories
00:17:51
Speaker
Both of them have? Over to the other side? Yes, one of them was complications due to COVID and the other one had pancreatic cancer. Oh, shit. Which one got attacked? Was it Roy? Roy Horn, yeah, it was Roy.
00:18:09
Speaker
That's right. Roy died of cancer. And then Roy died of cancer. Yes. Oh, no, no. Roy died of COVID. Has anyone looked into seeing if that tiger was the start of COVID and it didn't come out of one? Let's see.
00:18:27
Speaker
COVID, COVID, COVID. Nope, nothing here. COVID, COVID-19, COVID-19, COVID-19. It is extremely difficult even for trained experts to differentiate the skull of a lion from that of a tiger. Oh. So basically these things are built very similar. It's kind of like an alligator in a crocodile. Or a caiman. Or a dolphin.
00:18:54
Speaker
Well, that's just stupid, Jon. Oh, sorry. The tempo of this podcast is starting to bother me a little bit. Okay. All cats have evolved as predators, killing machines that have given killing machines. That's given the chance to eat your baby. If I can say it so fast, they can't hear him saying, well, I mean, obviously going to be the micro machine guy, boring you. Oh.
00:19:11
Speaker
They have a particularly clean sense of hearing, sight, and smell anatomically characteristic such as the rounded head and skeletal structure suggests that all these 37 recognized species within the blah blah blah evolved from a common ancestor most likely living in Asia around 10 to 12 million years ago.
00:19:31
Speaker
There has been a rapid expansion and diversity of the Felidae family during the past 10 to 11 million years. And by 3 million years ago, there was a wide variety of cats populating all regions of the earth except the Antarctic, Antarctica, and Australia. Because those pussies were too fucking...
00:19:50
Speaker
Well, I mean, it's too cold for them to swim there. And I think I'll show you. I just had the most deadly fucking whatever on earth. And if there were cats, they just would have been killed by spiders or snakes or fucking kangaroos. What would you say? I said kangaroos. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, as we talked about kangaroos last episode, we did. They are fucking they are jacked. Don't fucking kangaroos, man. Do you think, Greg, do you think that John is like pushing to be David Attenborough's replacement? He does a lot of animal stuff and he looks just like him.
00:20:22
Speaker
And he's English. I am. Don't do it. We can't do accents on the show. Identity theft is a crime, John. You son of a bitch. Only if you get caught. That's very true. I'm going to make it a citizen's arrest. On behalf of David Attenborough.
00:20:45
Speaker
Wait, is he still alive? On behalf of the late David Attenborough, he's still alive. Shut up. I'm trying to make a point. They are most highly developed carnivore, carnivorous hunters of all, they're the most, sorry, they're the most highly developed carnivore hunters of all mammalian species, except for lions, which live in groups, all wild cats, have developed as solitary animals with the ability to hunt and fend for themselves. They only come together
00:21:14
Speaker
to fuck. Damn. Yeah. That's my kind of animal. Because they're just like, hey, this is my 40 mile territory, but let's get together and make a baby. And then I'm going to abandon you. You take care of the baby. Yeah. That means if you're a fucking cat and you see another cat, it's like ding dong, bitch. Let's take our clothes off. And then, you know, but I think they wear clothes, Greg, or have doors or doorbells. Well,
00:21:43
Speaker
I guess there goes my theory. But what I want is they're going to fuck. Yes. I'm a mammal, Greg. Can you milk me too? Yeah. Yeah, I can. It's not where you think it's going to come out of. I put you on what's called a milking table and a jerky. So. Hey, John, is that a milking table right behind you?
00:22:04
Speaker
That's his milking couch. Yeah, this might be. That's why it costs $5,000. But it sort of got you get a drop of milk on that couch and he's going to go nuts. I think he's going to kill you. What's on the couch right now? There's something yellow and folded. It's a blanket. Is it Bob? I would have guessed blanket like first. Greg, not sure why you even had to ask. I just want to know why he's allowed to keep anything on that couch at all. Oh, because it's so expensive. It's $5,000. Oh, I wish.
00:22:31
Speaker
I wish it was $5,000. It was more than $5,000? Yeah. Yeah, we've been calling it a $5,000 couch for four and a half years. Yeah, podcast money is real. Yeah, it's good. It's good. Ridiculous. I sold my car. I bought the couch. Yeah. So now when I go somewhere, I sit on the couch and go, John, I've got a futon behind me. I'll sell this to you for a grand. Yeah. Well, you deliver the deal. It's a steal.
00:22:59
Speaker
No, I won't deliver it. I've actually sat on that couch and it's super comfortable. It is. Which one? The $5,000 couch. I've sat on both of them actually. The futon and John's couch. The futon's not very comfortable. I got to tell you though, John's couch, it was super comfortable. I really loved it, but it was weird that he charged me $200 for five minutes. I guess he's trying to recoup his investment. It's weird. It's weirder that you paid. I know. Well, he was the only one. I sent an invoice to everyone at that party that night, but Greg was the only one.
00:23:29
Speaker
Well, it's like one of those big companies that like don't really pay attention. They just pay the bills. They're just like, whatever. Well, I put on there that if not paid in 30 days, there will be a three percent finance charge and that like got to pay to me. That would do it. Yeah, that would do it. Well, Lannister always pays his debt.
00:23:46
Speaker
Instead of a gold mine, I invested heavily in beanie babies. If you sold at the right time, you would be pretty good. Yeah. I did crazy like how things like things just become a thing for a while. And then I don't know. And they're completely not a thing. Yeah. Are they worth anything anymore? Do you think there's I don't think so. Yeah, that could be wrong.
00:24:07
Speaker
You guys are really fucking up my next episode. Or is it foreshadowing? We're setting you up. Cats have developed a wide range of coat colors under natural conditions. These are adaptations to allow the cat to be camouflaged and assist in hunting lifestyle. Although I'm not real sure, what do you think a calico cat, because they're kind of white with giant orange spots, what environment are they blending into? Pumpkins.
00:24:37
Speaker
But maybe like pumpkins in the snow? Snowy pumpkins. Yeah. Okay. No. Cocaine pumpkins. All right. I guess, yeah. Calicos are the biggest drug traffickers in the world. Only in the winter though. Right. Right. Only in cocaine season.
00:25:01
Speaker
I feel like that's December to like February because people are indoors. I don't like cocaine. It's not like a let's do cocaine and go for a hike. Right. It's like let's be in the dark. Like what what is there a season for cocaine? Well, we just decided there's a season for everything. Every every thing that grows. Right. Hey, guys, the leaves are starting to fall. Going to be cocaine season. It's my favorite. I love fall, but when it goes into cocaine season is really the best.
00:25:31
Speaker
That's when things really speed up. Starbucks does their cocaine latte, cocaine spice latte. Do you like it iced or do you like it hot? I like it hot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hot cocaine. I mean, you know, cause we, we live out in California, so, you know, we don't get seasons. So the only way we know it's fall is it's cocaine time.
00:25:54
Speaker
Just kidding, kids, don't do cocaine. But if you're not going to do cocaine... You're a nerd. Don't be a nerd. Coexistence of cats and humans is evident from fossil records from early human settlements.
Cats as Deities in Ancient Egypt
00:26:13
Speaker
Although these have been assumed to be wild cats, the development of true domestication was previously thought to have occurred in Egypt around 3600 years ago.
00:26:23
Speaker
Like cats became an official deity around 900 BC in Egypt. A large number of cats were sacrificed and mummified to Bastet, the cat deity, which leads many archeologists to believe that the Egyptians were breeding cats so that they could kill them and mummify them in the name of their cat gods. That's the only reason why they bred them is so they could kill them and mummify them. Not the only reason, but it was one of the reasons. I thought you just said that. It was, okay. I didn't say only.
00:26:53
Speaker
I thought I heard the word only. I guess I didn't. I'm sorry. No, you just hear what you wanna hear. Let's check the tape. I did. I only wanted to hear only. This is fucking Six Flags all over again. I don't know. Did you guys go to Six Flags? No, I was just trying to pick a place where we got into an imaginary fight. How about an imaginary place we're gonna fight? This is...
00:27:17
Speaker
Hogwarts all over again. Oh, another Harry Potter reference. But at least you get that's a Harry Potter reference. I did get that one. Yeah. Yeah. The other one I did not understand.
00:27:27
Speaker
Mumble, mumblecore. What was it? Mumblecore. It's what kids do after college. It's going to be hard to dress up like mumblecore for Halloween, but John's going to do it. I'm going to try. Um, skulls of cats found in Egyptian cat braille grounds have been identified as mainly being of the species Felis silvestris libica, the African wildcat.
00:27:55
Speaker
Um, which is actually where they think most like domestic cats, that's their ancestor. They're all, they're all descendants of the African wildcat. I don't know why I'm saying it like that. I don't know why him that a so hard. They're hitting the hard. I am African. I like it. Um, genetic genetic analysis has demonstrated that the DNA of modern day domestic cats throughout the world is almost identical to that of the African wildcat clearly showing that it is the species that gave rise to our domestic demons.
00:28:26
Speaker
I love, hey, I love my cat. I had her for like from 2007 to 2021. I love that fucking cat. Uh, but she would just randomly attack me for no reason. I just be sitting there. Oh, there was a reason. Sounds like a very one sided, uh, love in this relationship.
00:28:46
Speaker
No, but it was really funny. Every day I'd come home, she would run up to me and wouldn't stop meowing until I picked her up and I'd hold her for a minute and pet her. But man, she would just like- You mean when you got home, she demanded love and affection from you? Yeah. I see where you're going with this. I don't quite get that. Listen, listen. You guys don't get it. She loved me in our own way. She loved me. Anytime she attacked me, it was my fault. It wasn't my fault.
00:29:12
Speaker
She always apologized after and bought you flowers. She wasn't a classic abuser because she never apologized for beating the shit out of me. The African wildcat actually still survives a day and is a solitary nocturnal hunter with a similar appearance to domestic tabby cats. Kevin, that means it hunts at night. It does.
00:29:38
Speaker
When the when the sun goes down and it gets dark outside, that's night. Oh, like bats. Yes. Yeah. All right. And it rhymes with cats. Oh, you didn't even mind. I know they both can fly that. I know. They're also both superheroes.
00:30:03
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Batman. Catwoman. Catwoman, yes. That's true. Catman. I don't know. Was Catwoman a superhero, though? She's kind of a villain. I mean, was Batman? I mean, he did. Yeah, I think he was more of a superhero than Catwoman.
00:30:18
Speaker
Yeah, all right, all right. Agree to disagree. Let's give that a think. He beat up a lot of people. He was very, like, physically violent. Yeah, but he didn't commit crimes the way that Catwoman did. I mean, yeah, but I think if, you know, that is assault and battery. It is. But Catwoman was out for Catwoman.
00:30:39
Speaker
Yeah, that man was trying to like in his own way, make the city of Gotham a safer place. That's fair. And obviously she turned him on a little bit. Well, she was hot. She got his bat dick hard. Do you think when you think when he's naked and get a heart on, he's like bat dick? For sure. Yes. And she's like cat pussy.
00:31:09
Speaker
or pussy cat. We just wrote a porno. We totally wrote a porno. I'm sure it's been done. I'm sure. Um, the African wildcat is pretty dis dispersed across the Savannah with large search stories due to the sparse availability of rodent prey for the number of cats, uh, I guess in proportion. Uh, however, how much they like the rodent. Well, cause I don't, you know, they're, they're the size of a health cat. So they can't like take down a elephant.
00:31:39
Speaker
or a sweet lion or a cheetah. A recent time about Batman. Yep. Okay.
00:31:49
Speaker
All right, however, more recent archaeological evidence suggests that feline domestication probably occurred about 10,000 years ago or more in the Middle East. In the region of the Fertile Crescent, the earliest true record of domestication comes from a cat that was found deliberately buried with its owner in a grave in Cyprus some 9,500 years ago. It was buried 9,500 years ago, not found 9,500 years ago. I just want to clear that up. When was it found?
00:32:17
Speaker
When was it found? Yeah. Not here. Hold on. Let me. Ninety five. Twenty, twenty three. Around 7500 B.C. Oh, right. And that's how math works. And it's assumed that the domestication will have begun sometime before this, as there were no native cats on Cyprus. Damn. Right. So somebody went and brought that cat from somewhere.
00:32:46
Speaker
in the Middle East, I would assume. I saw Cypress Hill at Lollapalooza once. They were too old by then. Well, I mean, they really just had like that same song with just different words, right? It was just like one song. It was, there was a lot of similarities between their songs. Yes. And then the one guy in the back would just go. Yeah. Which is, I mean, good job. I mean, get it. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Hype man. I'm not, I'm not for being a hype man. Um, the first thing is what Greg is to this podcast.
00:33:16
Speaker
He's not doing a good job though. I don't really feel hyped by Greg. I'm unhyped. That's my look. Greg, hype us up. Hype us up, Greg. Ladies and gentlemen, come to you from center stage. It's John at Kevin's sexy time. History defeats itself. John Greg doesn't know what a hype man is. I do, but I just fucking.
00:33:40
Speaker
All right. So so the reason the reason they think they like about 10,000 years ago, that's when humans started storing grain. And so then grain brought mice, mice brought cats. And then people started to think that people started keeping cats. So they would, you know, kill the mice because mice are bad, apparently. That's how you get rid of crabs, too. Cats are mice.
00:34:11
Speaker
Whatever works. You get mice to get rid of the crabs, cats to get rid of the mice, dogs to get rid of the cats, bears to get rid of the dogs, and the bear kills you. Yep. And the worst part is you look down right before you die, still have the crabs. That's the real bummer. But you said that the rat would kill the crabs. It doesn't always get there. Especially if you introduce the cats too soon.
00:34:38
Speaker
You got to make sure that the rats do their job. All right. And they would bring them on ships. They bring cats on ships. Basically anywhere humans went, they would start bringing cats because cats kill rodents. John, do you blow dry your hair like that? I don't. Is there product in it? No. No product in your hair? Come on. That's impossible. No one's hair does that. If you're listening to this on audio format only, go to YouTube right now and tell me that John doesn't have product in his hair.
00:35:09
Speaker
When you say product. We're not doing the show live. When you say product, what do you mean product? Some kind of gel or mousse. You mean salve? Maybe a pomade or a salve or a defining paste. I do use a pomade, yes. Yes, I do. But it's also like it's the gray hair. The gray hair is just going like phewf. They're reaching for the heavens. Your gray hair, do things different than the black hairs?
00:35:36
Speaker
Yeah, the black hairs are like kind of limp and lifeless and the gray hairs. I think they're fighting to get off my head. Do you think if you dyed it, they would all do the same thing or is it not as much in the color as it is of the actual follicle? You know, I'm going to take some notes. These are all good questions. I'm going to do some research and I'll get back to you on the next podcast. What do you think it would do if you didn't have the pomade?
00:36:00
Speaker
Uh, like what product would I use or what my hair would do? What your hair would do. If you couldn't find pomade, what's your second choice? Are you a, are you a moose guy? I'm a Dapper Dan man. It is, it is kind of like Dapper Dan. It's it. Yeah. I forget. It's a, I forget the brand, but yeah, it is. It's a very Dapper Dan kind of hair stuff. Uh, and I also put stuff in my beard too. Is it Harry's?
00:36:27
Speaker
No, it's not. What do you put in your beard? I put a beard balm. Yeah. And jizz. Yes. I put a beard balm. It's like a wax. It's like waxy. The jizz is how he keeps the color. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely getting like... What's it do for you? The color or the beard? So many questions. The beard balm. The beard balm. The beard balm. It keeps it... Believe it or not, it actually keeps it where it doesn't come out as much. What? Yeah. Are you still shaving it after Halloween?
00:36:57
Speaker
No, I'm never shaving it. I'm keeping it forever. So you lied to us and everybody who listens to this podcast. No, I changed my mind eight months ago. I changed. I knew he wasn't going to shave it. I knew too. I'm becoming attached. It's who I am now. Listen, I'm fine with it because the logo that we have, I know we have a beard. So like, I, if you lose the beard, it's going to, I don't want to have to read a logo cast anymore. We'd have to quit
00:37:21
Speaker
We'd have to stop doing the podcast. And we can't do that to our listeners. No. Um, the domestic cat was first classified as Felis Cattus in 17. This is the first sentence, the very first sentence. He did it again, didn't he? Yeah. Did he start over? I think he started all over. This is not the very, oh my God, I'm not going to go back because I'll lose my place, but this is different. Guys.
00:37:43
Speaker
Just open a new browser. Let me tell you Wikipedia in that one, too. And let me tell you the P, the P is getting a lot worse now. Like before, like it's getting harder. So we got to get through this. So, OK, it was when I was a little kid, I thought that a boner meant you really had to pee. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, I was just so full. Hey, hey, dad, I got to take a boner.
00:38:07
Speaker
We have to have a conversation, son. Who's giving you these boners? I got a boner. I got to run to the bathroom. What are you doing?
00:38:26
Speaker
Kids. Kids say the darndest things, don't they? All right. Was classified in 1758 by Colores Lenerius, and although this Nomen culture is still the most commonly used, recent studies suggest that the domestic cat should really be regarded as such species of the wild cat, i.e. Felis Sylvesteris catus, and this term is used by some.
00:38:48
Speaker
We learned this earlier in some fashion, but I still don't know what you're talking about. You mean the Latin name? I don't care about the Latin name. African Wildcat. I remember thinking, oh, that's Sylvester. Yeah, I thought that too. And did you hear how he said nomenclature?
00:39:09
Speaker
No. He said numbing culture. Actually I said numbing cream. So general, cats have not undergone major changes during domestication and their form and behavior remain very similar to that of their wild cat ancestors. They remain perfectly capable of surviving in the wild and indeed many revert to a feral or wild existence.
00:39:35
Speaker
Survival traits of cats include small size, so social nature, body language, love of play, high intelligence, and perhaps an inborn tendency among all small field felides towards tame-ness may have facilitated their domestication.
00:39:52
Speaker
So I guess I'll – I guess we could go out to the Savannah and pick up an African wildcat and it'd probably call the shit out of us, but also let us pet it, I think is what they're saying.
00:40:08
Speaker
I don't care if people declaw their cats. Do people still do that? What? I don't think so. No, they don't. I don't know anybody who would declaw a cat now. I remember that when I was a little kid, that that was a thing. Like, you'd have their cats declaw. It always seemed like an option, right? Yeah. Well, it seemed normal. I remember at the time being like, oh, that's wild. OK. But then you hear it enough times and you're like, yeah, that's what you do. And again, we also used to shove our dog's face in their own shit to tell them not to do that in the house. Were you not supposed to do that anymore?
00:40:34
Speaker
You can do that with kids but not with dogs. Courtney does it with me and it's very hard to get out of the beard. You pay extra for that. Stop shitty on the floor. Well sometimes I just don't want to walk to the bathroom. It is far. Yeah. What if I trip? Sometimes he's got pomade remnants on his hands and he can't unbuckle his belt.
00:40:57
Speaker
It's too shifty and slippery. It's true. Greasy. Well, okay. You're going to talk about the whiskers and how they use their whiskers as sonar or how it helps them determine how wide of a space that can go through. Yeah. Did you guys know that cats have whiskers and they're pretty wide and they can tell how wide and open. They also use them to hear. Did you know that?
00:41:19
Speaker
That's actually hip. But why did you get you asked me a question? And then I started talking about the whiskers and you get pissed at me. I'm not. Wait a minute. Is this why John keeps the beard? Does it lose hearing? He'd be deaf without it. That's his like kryptonite. We got it. If we shave the beard, he can't hear anymore. I mean, I can't use it as sonar. And then you're like, did you know that they use it out there here?
00:41:43
Speaker
Well, I don't understand. Didn't you want to know more about cancer than when you asked the question? I think Greg was saying that he already said that. He already said that. But it's not sonar. They don't use it in sonar, you stupid fuck.
00:42:04
Speaker
Please, somebody look up Sonar and tell Greg what Sonar is. For most other domestic... The network that we used to be on, but then we quit. Do what now? It was the network that we used to be on, but then we quit. I'm not understanding what you're saying right now. We just left. We left. We left. John's beard hearing isn't working.
00:42:25
Speaker
Well I gotta, I should put the headphones on my beard. Done. Grow the beard longer because it's not working out so well so far. It's not. Are you going full ZZ Top? I mean I think I'm kind of there. I think you're a little short for ZZ Up, right? Yeah, maybe. I mean, well, from here, you don't know, it could go down to my balls. Yeah, I guess I would need to go in here. No, we had you stand up earlier, remember? Yeah, I'd need to go another year for ZZ Top probably.
00:42:48
Speaker
Maybe I will. I kind of like this length. I don't know that I want to go much longer than this. I kind of do like this length. Do you find that your jaw hurts now when you chew because you're lifting up a beard every time? Yeah, yeah. And my neck hurts. Yeah.
00:43:04
Speaker
It's kind of like having big tits, but on your face. What totally makes sense. Totally makes sense. Yep. It's like having one single big beard breasts on my face. Or I guess a goid, a goiter. What is that when they like the thing that people add? It's a goiter. Yeah. Yeah. Remember that Seinfeld episode? I do.
00:43:29
Speaker
I do remember that. So even though we think cats are domesticated, strictly speaking, they are not domesticated. This is defined as breeding. I knew that. Care and reproductive being totally controlled by humans producing a reproductually isolated population. This can only really be applied to pedigree pet cats, which form a very small population of the total pet population, pet cat population, because most people, well, not most people, but a lot of people still let their cats be indoor outdoor cats.
Cats' Impact on Bird Populations
00:43:59
Speaker
And because of that, uh, actually the, the greatest threat to birds in this country is cats. I forget the cats killed like millions of birds a year. And my wrist rocket. Um, I have a few, I have a few of those in my neighborhood. Uh, cats that are like indoor, outdoor cats. Did they kill bird dogs? Don't love it. Yeah. Or do they?
00:44:26
Speaker
Well, it definitely fires them up. You can't do that in SoCal cause like coyotes get them. Yeah. I, uh, one time I can't do that. You can do that in loco. No, no, no, no, no, no. Northern Colorado. What would be low?
00:44:49
Speaker
He was trying to say Longmont. Oh, yeah. Okay. So would LoCo be Longmont, Colorado? No Co is Northern Colorado. Would there be Long Co? Shut up and talk. Wait a minute. Shut up and talk. Shut up and talk.
00:45:06
Speaker
Don't you have to pee, John? I do. You dumb ass genius, you. Fucking morioxa. So even the... I'm sorry. Morioxi. Cats can tolerate extreme heats and not showing signs of discomfort until skin temperature exceeds 52 degrees Celsius, which is, I don't fucking know the Fahrenheit because I don't care enough to look it up.
00:45:33
Speaker
but it's probably pretty high. It's high. It's higher than a hundred. That's why they're constantly. I do not do well in the heat. That's why they're probably very cranky, like kicking it in my sauna at my gym. That could be every time I try to get in there after a workout, there's like a bunch of cats on the bench with little, with little washcloths around their waist. Don't look at my balls.
00:45:53
Speaker
Um, and even though we have tamed cats, uh, for about, or we've had tame cats for about 10,000 years, it's only been in about like the last 70,000 or I'm sorry, it's only been in the last 70 years that we started, uh, like having them as indoor pets.
00:46:08
Speaker
Oh, shit. Only 70 years. Well, and here's why. So few cats lived entirely indoors. In fact, for more than 10,000 years, cats, da, da, da. Um, understanding cats. Well, I was just saying like, I just, I actually just said that stuff. So I'm like, I don't need to read again. Understanding a cat's place in history and human evolution reveals how very recently domestic cats came indoors and how millions of the species who will call, uh, community cats continue to live a healthy life's outdoors today, as well as domestic cats are biologically adapted to.
00:46:38
Speaker
So, basically what happened was they—like they didn't have kitty litter, right? And so— Wait, what? So they—so they—like dogs—like when people do dogs, they just kind of feed whatever's off the table. And so—and cats are—cats are carnivore. Like they're still—they're mostly meat eaters. They don't need a lot of greens and they don't need a lot of water. So, cats want to eat—they eat a lot of protein, a lot of animal meat, right?
00:47:06
Speaker
in case you don't know what protein is, but you can also get protein for peas, but that's not what we're talking about. What are we talking about? I don't know. So because cats needed a lot more protein and people, they wouldn't really eat like veggies and potatoes and that kind of stuff. So dogs would eat indoors with people, but cats usually would like go out and hunt and kind of fend for themselves and they'd eat rodents and stuff like that.
00:47:30
Speaker
Why do why does there that expression that's like that dog don't won't hunt when it should be like that cat won't hunt? I'm assuming
00:47:43
Speaker
Come on, John. The South? I don't know. How much did that cat get paid? The one that's on all the posters that says hang in there and it's just like hanging like the drapes. That's a really sad story. Good question. Yeah. So that cat had poor representation and they just did a flat fee of $100. Oh, I knew it. Man, you got to.
00:48:06
Speaker
That cat actually- You gotta go for the royalties, man. You gotta do royalties, that's just- That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything. That cat actually went through everything
00:48:36
Speaker
Letters, they matter. It's like if you Google... I don't know why the view made it so much worse.
00:48:45
Speaker
Unlike dogs who have undergone many physical changes since domestication and evolved to survive in an omnivorous diet, cats haven't changed much and so require a high protein diet before the... I just did all this. Up until the 1950s, cats roamed American neighborhoods freely using the... John, did you reverse this at all? I did, I did. Did you rehearse it by having a cat from 2007 to 2021? Yes.
00:49:13
Speaker
Hey, were those the right years? Yeah, they were. Fuck yeah. That's pretty impressive. Do you know on what day my cat died? Tuesday. Arbor day. I guess I'm at the date. Not the day. The date. Do you know the date? February 7th.
00:49:36
Speaker
I mean, is that significant to Kevin and I for any reason? I mean, just, I mean, it's just obvious you don't have any empathy or notice when I go through painful things. So I did not send a card. No, you did not. Oh, we're a nude. It's funny because John, which one shows more empathy? I think the nude. Okay.
00:50:01
Speaker
Because it means that you trust me enough to be vulnerable. Oh, well, it depends on it. It depends on how tasteful the nude is, I suppose. I'm a raunchy. I want full butt cheeks bread. OK, God. That's where you owe God. Like that's all the shit we've said. That's your oh, God. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. It's not kiddie porn. Sorry, it's not King Kong butthole burn.
00:50:33
Speaker
You just fucking said Kevin's going to spread it as butt cheeks. It's so you use butthole and that's supposed to be fucking great. I didn't say that. I didn't say that at all. He just said I was going to spread my butt cheeks. He didn't say anything about my butthole. Yeah. What's it? I assumed he was going to have some sort of like day's full cover, some, some sort of G string. Like he's going to have like a bejeweled butt plug in. Could anybody possibly still be listening to this episode? Well, you know, I don't know. Why do you always do that?
00:51:03
Speaker
God, you're what? Every episode. That's what you say about my episodes. You never say that about your boring ass stupid fucking shit. Yeah, let's get the shit out. Let's get the shit out now. Yeah, John live on air. Come on, boys. There are your grievances. His beard's turning red.
00:51:20
Speaker
No, that's my face. That's just my pale face. Uh, up until the 1950s, cats roamed American neighborhoods freely using the great outdoors. Oh, did I reread that? No, as area pans, uh, pans filled with the dirt or newspaper were used indoors by a few cat owners, but it wasn't until the first clay litter was accidentally discovered in 1947 and the subsequent marketing of the tiny cats brand in the 1960s that litter boxes really caught on. So really before like the 1960s, most people didn't want to fuck with having a cat shit in their house.
00:51:51
Speaker
I still don't want to fuck with that, by the way. I still don't want to fuck with that, by the way. No, but why couldn't they make him shit outside like dogs? Well, they did. And they even, like, they've... A lot harder to clean up, though, I'd imagine. In the Canterbury Tales, they reference a cat door, and that was written in, like, 1380.
00:52:09
Speaker
So people were like, you know, people were allowing their cats to go in and out. Is that in your notes? The 1380 part? Yeah. I just remember weird things. Do you remember the year of the Canterbury tales? Yeah. It's in its fucking notes, dude. No, it's not. It's not my notes. No, no. I mean, it's not my notes. I read it. Like when I was doing this, I'd like read about it, but it's not in my notes. And I just remember, I remember dates for some reason. I don't know why. Like February 7th, 2021, my cat died.
00:52:38
Speaker
That is wild. I remember where NFL players went to college pretty well. That's weird. I always just say University of Alabama because I feel like that's- That's a good guess. Most football players. Definitely a good guess. Or Penn State. Sure, John. You know what? I'm just happy you got one. Florida State.
00:53:00
Speaker
Sure. Fighting gators. Is that right? Yes. No. No. Both of those were wrong.
Health Benefits of Owning Cats
00:53:11
Speaker
So studies have shown that being close to cats can reduce stress in humans. Playing with or petting our cats can boost levels of serotonin and dopamine, just like dogs, and those infamous happy hormones, which help us help to relax us.
00:53:25
Speaker
Cats actually purr when they're content, but they can also purr to help soothe themselves. It's believed that when cats purr, it releases endorphins that help to calm them. But research has shown that the sounds of cat purring can also have a similar effect.
00:53:40
Speaker
on humans, even YouTube. ASMR, AMS, yeah. I wonder if there's videos of just cats purring. Probably, huh? I'm sure there are. Yeah. Would you call that kitty, kitty porn, Greg? No, remember, ASMR is not porn.
00:53:55
Speaker
Oh, all right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And the stress-reusing effects of cats also has a positive effect on our physical health as well as our mental health. The reduction in stress can also lower the risk of cardiovascular disease and studies have shown that in stressful situations, pet owners actually have lower blood pressure than non-pet owners.
00:54:16
Speaker
Except for when you're getting fucking attacked by them. Yeah. Or my dad has a dog. His blood pressure seems high. Well, that sounds like all the evidence I need. This article, you're going to delete it and write them a very stern email.
00:54:37
Speaker
Kevin dad dispute. No, his dad does it. Kevin does based on this evidence. I remember in like it was like seventh grade health class when our teacher who was kind of a tool, but he like he he was talking about smoking and how bad it was and how people who smoke cigarettes or cigars will won't won't live long lives, you know. And I was like, what about George Burns? I was like.
00:55:11
Speaker
He's just like, there's always an exception to the rule. Fucking Rosenquist. You're like, what about God? God smokes. What about that one guy who lived a really long life and still smoked? And drank. And went to parties. All right. You guys ready for last call? Sure. All right. Speaking of partying. Speaking of partying. Historians. Kevin gets hormonal with Greg. Not yet. Not yet.
00:55:42
Speaker
Shit, sorry. I still have left. All right. Left. Kevin gets hormonal with Greg and I about not tying our topics into the whole history defeats itself theme. So here it goes. Are cats defeating themselves? Not really. They're going through life, catting away. The question is, are humans defending themselves? And the answer is yes. As I mentioned at the beginning of this podcast, my inspiration for the topic was watching Instagram videos of people getting close to wild animals with the domestication of humans. We've gotten weak.
00:56:12
Speaker
Most of the world no longer has to worry about tigers, bears, and large reptiles attacking them while they sleep. We as a species have become what my grandpappy would call pansies. To be fair though, he was a holic, both rage and alcohol. If we all had to
00:56:30
Speaker
thinned for ourselves tomorrow, most of us would starve to death in about two weeks. But let's raise a glass to the house cats because those little demons will be just fine without their pink ape overlords. Cheers. To the cats. Did you say I was hormonal? Yes. Okay. I just wanted to make sure I heard that right. Do you disagree with that statement?
00:56:59
Speaker
I think so. Let men have cycles. You know that, right? Men have hormonal cycles. Is that why I bleed out of my penis? Nope. That again goes back to gonorrhea. Okay. I thought it was chlamydia. Whatever. It's a weird obsession with most traps.
00:57:21
Speaker
And shoving shoving knitting needles down your penis that also So you're saying don't do that. Yes. Yeah. Okay, just keep things out of your pee pee hill. Hey, you know what? I'm gonna write this down Good night everybody