Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Sawney Bean: Gruesome Tales from Scotland | History Defeats Itself Comedy Podcast
271 Plays11 months ago
Dive into the dark legend of Sawney Bean as we explore the grisly tale of Scotland's most infamous clan leader and cannibal. Was Bean a real figure or just folklore? We dissect this macabre story, blending historical facts with our humorous take. Perfect for fans of true crime and quirky history. Subscribe for more episodes where humor meets the bizarre corners of the past.
Discover More - linktr.ee/historydefeatsitself
Recommended
Transcript
Podcast Overview and Introductions
00:00:00
Speaker
The other day, I was having a conversation with Neil. Who John knows? I don't know who that is. Okay. I'm going to tell you about Neil. Neil's like, how long have you been doing the podcast? And I said, I don't know, like 10 years. He goes, how many episodes have you had? And I go, I don't know, like a thousand. He goes, how many downloads you have? And I go, I don't know, like six. He goes, how much money have you made on this? I said,
00:00:22
Speaker
Zero dollars. It's cost us money. He's like, why are you doing it? And I said, Kevin. So that's why I don't put a lot of effort in the podcast.
00:00:36
Speaker
Did you ever think that if you did put effort into it that maybe those other things would happen? Okay. All right. Every other variable has zero impact on this podcast. I don't think anything's going to help us. Not even my crazy alcoholism, but I'm going to try. But you haven't tried trying yet. He's got you there.
00:01:05
Speaker
History defeats itself as a comedy podcast. Kevin, John and Greg are not experts, historians, or even all that smart. This is my episode. By the way, we already said it. No, I believe you. I'll wait. Yeah, I'll wait. It's probably more riveting than anything you've come up with.
00:01:29
Speaker
I guess we just hurt each other. That's just all we do. We just hurt each other. I'm just kidding. Hello and welcome to history defeats itself. I don't have insurance for this. My name is Kevin Rosenquist. Thank you for joining us. We are a comedy podcast that wonders why we as people never seem to learn from our history. And I am. Oh, as always, I'm joined by my two co-hosts. One of its just came off of a surgery.
Surgery Stories and Fitness Plans
00:02:00
Speaker
and one of which didn't. John and Greg, how are you guys doing?
00:02:04
Speaker
Man, my surgery was crazy. I can't believe I got that penis reduction surgery and now I'm only eight inches long. I have a quick question for you. Why would you add it to your nose? Isn't it worse that it's just naturally this big? How many times have you broken your nose, Mr. Mitchell? It's been, I think it's somewhere between three and four. One of them didn't count because I was like cocaine and I said, so I broke it from the inside out.
00:02:35
Speaker
Was every time with playing hockey? No, there was one time when I was doing cocaine. No, every time I was playing hockey. Hockey, hockey, hockey. John, how are you feeling? I'm good. Yeah, the recovery is going well. I got to turn out Kevin's microphone. I should actually be able to work out starting Tuesday. You said you've been taking walks. That's where you're at right now. Yeah.
00:03:01
Speaker
Are you going to turn into a Jim Bro, bro? I am, bro. Dude, do you want to get a sweet workout plan going together? Maybe we could do a little CrossFit training together? Who's driving to who? Because you live a really far away. Want to team up? I'll drive to you. I'll do curls the whole way. I'll keep my car. I'll put my car in neutral and I'll just fucking Fred Flintstone it.
00:03:28
Speaker
Really get the quads going. Well, it's good to see you guys. Uh, John, I'm glad your recovery is going well. Do you want to talk about your surgery? I mean, it was, they, uh, they went in and they, they put, they shaved my, they shaved my stomach and, and then they did like these three incisions on the top of it. And they gave me fucking pictures of like what they did inside my body. I didn't need that. No, I would not have no desire to see that.
00:03:55
Speaker
Dude, when I used to have a Kia, I used to take it in for an oil change and they would videotape everything they did there. So it sounds similar. Sounds exactly the same.
00:04:08
Speaker
I'm very veiny on the inside. Very veiny. Oh yeah, veins inside your brain. That's a weird way to... We're a very complex vascular system apparently. Would you say it's like a web? Yes. The rest of us, very simple. Just vertical, horizontal. John's though. John's intricate. Definitely not a grid. Yeah, definitely not a grid. John's are going hither and tither. 100%.
Biker Gang and Halloween Themes
00:04:38
Speaker
Well, it's good to see you guys here on our episode and we're on social media and all that stuff. I don't know. I don't really talk about that anymore, but we are. So go find us. Greg, it is your turn to join or to lead the crew Greasy Greg as his name is on the on the chat here. Greasy Greg.
00:04:58
Speaker
It is indeed my turn and I'd like to start off tonight with a cheers to you gentlemen and our listeners. Oh, we never did our, we never actually did our pregame. Yeah, we didn't do it. Are you drinking yet? Probably not yet. We're going to do it with our listeners because gosh, without you guys, I feel like we're really a unit. History defeats itself. We're like a group. You guys, we should get fucking leather jackets.
00:05:20
Speaker
And just go around the country. And I mean, like, wait, wait, the same leather jacket or different leather jackets. We're starting a biker gang. What's our budget like, Kevin? Well, let me let me crunch the numbers. Let's take this shot. Take this. All right. That's already already. Yeah. I went on and drank my drink. John already drank his water. I did. I did my tequila. I'm having Maker's Mark whiskey mixed with a little DC CF.
00:05:51
Speaker
How come we never plan ahead and try to drink the same thing? Because it's stupid that way. What is drinking water? I want to know what DCCF is. Diet Coke. Caffeine free. Oh. I guess it should be CFDC. I like makers. I like makers as good whiskey. I like where people draw their lines because
00:06:10
Speaker
Greg's like, I'm not going to know caffeine into my body, but I'm going to put whatever makes diet coke diet coke. Yeah, that's not good. It's not good. Hey, I can't help what triggers the fucking aphid. All I know is from my own personal experience. Caffeine does it and diet coke caffeine free doesn't. So I'm going to drink it. Yeah. But you have a mark. You haven't had a caffeinated drink in what 20 years? It's been a long fucking time. Yeah. Except for maybe that's not the trigger. That is what you're saying, John.
00:06:40
Speaker
Right. I think it's like cocaine because he was talking about he broke his nose. He broke his nose to cocaine. He gave me a fucking broken nose on a good time. So I'll take that broken nose anytime. Do you can you eat like chocolate? I do eat some chocolate occasionally. Dark chocolate because it's supposed to be good for you. It's better for you. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Yeah. OK. Riboflevins and shit. All right, guys.
00:07:10
Speaker
So that's how they that's how they advertise it. No flavors and shit. Let's get going, guys. All right. Since it's Halloween, I thought that I would do an episode on something super creepy and gross. The subject kind of makes me made me sick to my stomach and it has nothing to do with the virus. So, you know, it's going to be good.
00:07:34
Speaker
I didn't have the shits really, but it's fucking, when I do the research for this, it's disgusting.
00:07:42
Speaker
That's my point. Can you get to what it is? And it's, yeah, I'm coming. I feel like you are now, doesn't it? The origins of the subject is rooted in slow and painful. Okay. I'm talking. Yeah, that's the subject. Slow and painful. Slow sex with Greg. The origins of the subject is rooted in folklore. So I would say it's only maybe 99.9% true.
00:08:11
Speaker
Today, we will talk about someone worse than Jeffrey Dahmer, worse than Jeffrey Epstein, worse than even Jeffrey Goldblum. Hey, hey, hey. National treasure. We already established this on the show. I love him. It was just, it was just, I was just making a joke. Okay. It was just a joke. He's so bad, his name isn't even Jeffrey.
00:08:37
Speaker
Hey, right that I did okay pretty good, right? Are you gonna do it on a home? Is it on the original serial killer? What it's gonna be a h?
The Legend of Sawney Bean Begins
00:08:48
Speaker
That's a murder yes today, we're gonna talk about the legend of sauny bean ah I don't know this Disgusted
00:09:00
Speaker
Do you know what it is? Do you know what this is? No, I just like not sunny sunny sunny. Alexander, sunny being was said to be the head of a 45 member clan in Scotland in the 16th century that murdered and cannibalized over 1000 people over the course of 25 years, 25 consecutive years. Did that, did they all 1000 of them have it coming?
00:09:31
Speaker
How do they come up with these numbers? All thousand of them were delicious. Because it's not like they were doing like pre-interviews before they killed them and ate them, right? I started by saying it's rooted in folklore, so probably it's only 99.9% chew. So of course they're going to round up numbers.
00:09:49
Speaker
Things were different back then too. All the people were grass fed free range. You can imagine back then the flesh was probably like really fucking tasty. It was before all the additives and humans. Yeah. But you had to buy people who, you know,
00:10:08
Speaker
had access to food for themselves so that they'd be fat or not skinny. They probably had butter though. They were churning butter and they were fucking... They were probably like Wagyu beef. Like really fucking good.
00:10:22
Speaker
If you're going to eat some wine, you're going to want to do it in the 16th century. Okay. All right. I'm just saying it's just fucking. Okay. According to the legend. We're going to put that in your eulogy someday. God, I hope I go first. Actually, that's not true. I hope I go last. You guys.
00:10:42
Speaker
Yeah, I definitely, I definitely want you guys to die before me. I definitely, I'm planning on you guys dying before me. Well, not only die before me, but I want you to all die in a painful way that I can watch before I die. So at least, I die happy. So you can enjoy. Yeah. I'm planning on you guys dying at my hands.
00:11:00
Speaker
Like I want, I want, I want Greg to stab Kevin and I want like to be nothing but betrayal in Kevin's face. So how does Greg died then? Oh yeah. That's okay. Let me work on it. I mean, I haven't really thought about it, but you guys got me excited. What if we, what if we like stabbed each other in a jugular simultaneously?
00:11:22
Speaker
And both had betrayal looks on her face. Oh yeah, yeah, okay. And you're like, oh my god, you were gonna do that too? And the betrayal of me smiling is even greater. So it's like you look at me and just absolutely discuss with your friend and then you see me and it's even more so. Because you somehow orchestrated this? Yeah, yeah. Hey Kevin, we should do it at Disneyland. You know how like sometimes you see those videos of double proposals? It'll be the same thing. Double murders. Double murder right in front of the castle. Disney, it's for families.
00:11:51
Speaker
while the fireworks are going.
00:11:53
Speaker
That's romantic. That's nice. Let's get some funnel cakes first. I love funnel cake. It'll be my like first guilt free funnel cake. It's going to make me fatter. Tell me. You know what? Have a Coke, Greg. Have a caffeinated Coca-Cola. Why not? Yeah. As a matter of fact, if I go into AFib, I'll probably bleed it out faster because my heart's going to be a little. Knowing my luck, he'll go into AFib and then fall down and I'll miss. And then he'll just stab me.
00:12:22
Speaker
He'll stab you like right where you get punctured long before. You didn't say it right in the lung. Oh, not again. OK, that will make me happy. Hmm. According to legend, Bean and his clan members were eventually caught by a search party sent up by King James the fifth. Sorry, the sixth and executed. Whoa. Well, which one was it? Yeah, this is important for the heinous crimes. It was the sixth. OK, good. Look it up, bitches.
00:12:50
Speaker
The story appeared in the Newgate calendar, a crime catalogue of Newgate Prison in London. The legend lacks sufficient evidence to be deemed true by historians, and there is a little debate about
00:13:08
Speaker
as to why the legend would have been fictionalized. Nevertheless, the myth of Sony being has passed into local folklore and has become a part of the Edinburgh tourism circuit. So we don't know if it really happened? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, well, it's really thought that it did happen. They do have some proof and some documents and shit. No, we'll talk about that. But the point is that it's kind of like, you know, the Bible.
00:13:36
Speaker
That shit happened and it's lived on and in Scotland. And, you know, it's it's it's a big fucking deal. It's a big story. Well,
Life and Crimes of the Bean Clan
00:13:46
Speaker
even H.H. Holmes was kind of like, how many people did he kill? Because it's like, you know, when it's when it's not that old, it's harder to, you know, you don't have the same. You know, right. You know, fucking DNA. Well, we know he fucking all he did was like, I don't know, run a red light. And then he caught a fucking rap.
00:14:06
Speaker
What do you call it? That truck driver who killed like 10 women. They like figured out that there was like a serial truck driver killer or serial killer truck driver. No. Well, no. Was it recent? Yeah, it was the last few days. Oh, well, I didn't hear about that. Well, I mean, there's like there's some crazy number of serial killers out there on the loose and like there's they say like the best serial killer has never been caught and never will be.
00:14:32
Speaker
I don't. I mean, that makes sense. You would be the best. They say they say one in three podcasts hosts are serial killers. So, oh, no, one of us. There's three of us. Well, I think we know who. I think it's very like it would absolutely Kevin because because Greg and I are not going to have the follow through. So, yeah, Kevin's killing those pure ambition thing for you. Yeah, Kevin's on those bangs. So.
00:14:58
Speaker
I like it. You're getting a little flushed tonight, Kevin. You're getting a little red, buddy. Is it hot up there? Always. Okay. All right. Then I probably have a fever. Okay. Jesus Christ. We did say take the butt fuck out and wash it. Don't leave it in. You know when you're sick, that is like the best thing to do. Isn't that what Kevin told me last time, the best thing to do when you're sick is drink?
00:15:23
Speaker
How else are you going to kill that virus, bud? That's a solution to everything. Get a DUI. Best way to not get a DUI is drink your way through it. Yeah, I'll tell you how you can take the officer out for a beer. They like it. Works every time. They like it when you tell them that you're like one of those sovereign citizens. Oh, yeah.
00:15:42
Speaker
They really enjoy that. Yeah, I'll try that next time. OK. According to the Newgate calendar, a London tabloid publication from the 18th and 19th century, Alexander Bean was born an Ethiopian during the 16th century. His father was a ditch digger and hedge trimmer. This is my favorite line. Bean tried to take up the family trade, but quickly realized that he was not fit for this work.
00:16:12
Speaker
I could trim hedges so he's going to eat people. Or dig ditches. I mean, you know, that can be hard work. Look at him. But he just can't eat people. I can't work these giant scissors. If they were just two separate blades that I could kill people with, that would work. But his head shimmers broke and he was like, what am I going to? Oh, wait, I could totally get stabby with these things. Stabby. Hey, don't we have some forks in the shed, dude? Who's hungry?
00:16:42
Speaker
I want some people, Tartar. Wait, wait, wait, he had to cook them, right? Oh, wait, we'll find out. I mean, probably. He left home... I don't know, I just felt like doing that. Did you guys hear that? He left home with an allegedly vicious woman named Black Agnes Douglas, who apparently shared his inclinations and was accused of being a witch. After some robbing... A particularly vicious woman?
00:17:11
Speaker
Yeah, that's how she's described as a woman. How would you like your wife to be described? How do you feel about Kevin's wife, Sheena? She's a particularly vicious woman. She's probably a witch. She might be a witch. Yep. Not great. I did not marry up.
00:17:29
Speaker
After some robbing and the cannibalization, cannibalization of one of their victims, the couple ended up at a coastal cave in Benning Head between Jervan and Belantri. Wait, wait, wait. I feel like we glossed over some stuff there. We did. We missed something. Well, we're going to keep going with this. This is the, so the first time when they really fell in love, L O V E, they apparently robbed someone for some money and
00:17:55
Speaker
Murdered and cannibalized and they're like, you know what? I like doing this. Do you like doing this? And she said sure
00:18:01
Speaker
Let's make a career out of this. It's it's really so this is this is a love story. It's better than digging ditches. I mean, it's like, how do you like who proposes that, you think? It's like, you know what? I kind of I kind of want to they kill someone and then they're like, you know, they rob someone and then they decide to kill them. OK, I could see how that can happen. Like, who's the first one to go? They got a food burner. You want to you want to eat this motherfucker as much as I do? Like, like, how does that has a start? This is 17th century when Harry Metzelli.
00:18:30
Speaker
I don't know how it starts, but I know how it finishes. This is the you've got mail of the 1500s. Yeah, that's true. So at this coastal cave, that's where they did. That's where they spent 25 years doing 25 years. 25 years lived in this cave. The cave was 200 yards deep and the entrance was blocked by water during high tide. So the couple was able to live there undiscovered.
00:19:00
Speaker
for 25 years. Sony and Agnes produced six daughters, eight sons, 14 granddaughters, and 18 grandsons. The grandchildren... How do you think they came along? I'm gonna...
00:19:18
Speaker
I mean, how do you think they were produced? Oh, sex? What kind of sex? Like, penis sex in vaginas? I mean, the parents and the kids. He was incestuous. Yeah, that's kind of what I thought. Yeah, that's what the...
00:19:39
Speaker
I will say this. If you're going to eat people, what's a little incest? You know, like you've already crossed the line. Yeah. What lines do you have left? Yeah. So like, that's fine. Go ahead. They're knocking down taboos. Yeah. They were the first to get eyebrow rings and nose and nose piercings. God, that seems so tame, right?
00:20:07
Speaker
compared to having sex with your sister. What did you put in your eyebrow? You think this is weird? I've been eating people in a cave and fucking my sister. Well, yeah, you're supposed to do that. But geez, man, you're ruining your family name. You're ruining the B name. I'll be damned if you're going out like that. Wait, is this you take that thing out or I'm going to make you stay here and bang your mom. Bring back two ears and a fucking eyeball.
00:20:37
Speaker
or you're not coming back to this cave. If you don't bring a warm body back here, you're grounded. All right. We're going to time out. And you know what happens? Time out incestuous. These people just didn't have a good day ever. Probably they didn't have a good moral compass. Well, I think it's like an incest brain. Here's here. Here's another good line.
00:21:02
Speaker
lacking the inclination for regular labor, the Bean Clan thrived by laying careful ambushes at night to rob and murder individuals or small groups. Again, because they were too lazy to work.
00:21:18
Speaker
They weren't too lazy to fucking rob and murder individuals. I just want to say that. And eat that. That is that is people literally mooching off the system. Right. Like, God damn it. Well, here's the thing I will say, though, is that that, you know, they didn't waste at all. Right. We saw that they killed somebody and then they're like, well,
00:21:42
Speaker
Like we don't want to waste this human who graciously gave their lives to us. Yeah, they were like real hunters. Yeah, they were hunting the most dangerous game. The most wily game.
00:21:58
Speaker
I think at that time, it would probably have been bears. But, you know, it's not like they had barbecue sauce or anything like that. Like what? Yeah, it's just fucking repulsive. OK, that's your way that you're like, you know, barbecue sauce. They had no seasonings. They had nothing to dip it in. That's ridiculous. It's monstrous. That was way before Hidden Valley Ranch came up. That was 1868. So hundreds of years after the event.
00:22:28
Speaker
A couple of condiments just really would have made it more appetizing. Do you think they even cared about robbing people? Did they even want to rob them? They probably just wanted to eat them. You know, like, I mean, what are you robbing people for? Listen, I think it could be both. Again, I think all this black and white you're trying to get, right? I guess you need to buy toiletries and clothes and things like that. Yeah. And they don't want to work. That's clear with that concern about toiletries.
00:22:57
Speaker
I don't know. Yeah, I do. I think Kevin brings up a good point. Look, if you're going to eat human flesh, you're going to need floss. It's gross. It's so fucking gross. Could you imagine? Like they really cared about fucking oral hygiene. I don't know. Well, by the grandkids that were so incestuous, they all had one tooth. So they took turns flossing it.
00:23:25
Speaker
God, that's just... This is gross. Yeah, this is a terrible topic. Okay, let's see. The clan brought the bodies back to their cave where the corpses were dismembered and eaten. They pickled the leftovers and barrels and discarded body parts, which would sometimes wash up on nearby beaches. This strategy was used to help conceal their crimes and lead villagers to believe there was animals who were attacking travelers.
00:23:53
Speaker
I mean, honestly, they're pickling. I mean, they really are using the whole animal. Mm-hmm. They were good on that. Do you think they would, like, mount people's heads on the cable? Potentially. How do you learn how to pickle?
00:24:08
Speaker
That's your question. I wonder what they're pickling too. One of them. Pickled ears, pickled noses. Like what are they pickling nuts? I think you gotta pickle the organs. If you're gonna pickle something. Is it pickle organs? I think so.
00:24:24
Speaker
I could be wrong. Testicles. I've never done it. I don't know what's involved. No, but we need to deep dive this. I will say this. If we as a society can pickle pigs feet, I feel like if you're a cannibal,
00:24:40
Speaker
It's open season. Whatever. Whatever you want to pickle. Right. We can't judge that. Not to pick a person. I wonder what the best like, you know, like, you know, when you think about a cow, it's the, you know, the, you know, whether it's the ribeye or like whatever, you know, the flay, whatever you like. I wonder what the best part of a person is. The ass. A lot of fat sometimes, though. You eat the ass. You have to have like, you have to have
00:25:09
Speaker
Eat the ass, Kevin. Yes. OK. OK, I'll stop. But it's the ass. I'm I cook an ass and then you would lick every sign argument, sir. You want us to tell you what the most appetizing part of the human could be? Well, I was just curious what I mean, wonder what it is. I wonder what the part that they were like, oh, this is a delicacy. You know, like, what is that, you know?
00:25:37
Speaker
Well, I guess the question is, do you like lean meat or fatty meat? So I think it's a personal choice. Something in between. I like good marbling, you know? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what you would have to take off. So maybe like a quad.
00:25:50
Speaker
And I guess because they were probably all pretty muscly back then, right? So the ass would probably be marbled. Because they would probably have really good- You cannot make broad generalizations at the fitness level of their victims. Maybe they only caught the slow ones. That's true. First of all, you do have to make some...
00:26:17
Speaker
Assumptions, if you're going to answer a question about what was the best part of a human 400 years ago, right? Like, I feel like, I mean, we know what it is now, but back then. Wait, what is it now? John was implying that it's gross. You guys are fucking gross.
00:26:39
Speaker
Okay, guys, the body parts and disappearances did not go unnoticed by the local villagers.
The Hunt and Discovery
00:26:44
Speaker
Really? They noticed, hey, where's Fred? My husband hasn't come back in a while. I wonder what happened to him. He went to go pick some berries. Like six weeks ago. And Bertha went out for a pack of palmalls and she was not back.
00:27:06
Speaker
But to be fair, she had to take a ship to America to get the tobacco. Yeah. Yeah, it's a long journey. So I have a question for you guys. Right. And I think I think as it related to the topic. Yeah, it is related to the topic. So like I know if you were going to eat someone. No, no, no. Like like getting murdered. Right. Like like the idea of like someone murdering you. That's like, oh, that's like like terrifying. Right. Like when you talk about it, you're like, oh, shit. And then. But why is it worse to have someone eat you after your dad? Which it is to me. I'm like, oh, that's so much worse. But is it
00:27:35
Speaker
Because you're a little insecure about how you're going to taste. All right. All right. Thank you. Thank you. You're delicious. You'd be like, yeah, that's true. That's true. Like you were getting murdered. You'd be like, this is you're going to like this. This is going to be.
00:27:51
Speaker
This is gonna be good. You're like, no, no, no. You stand right to my pancreas and you don't know how delicious that thing is. Make a couple of recommendations. Let me give you a couple of recipes. I've been eating for the last three years, thyme and oregano, raw, just to really seize the meat. Every night before I go to bed, I just rub garlic all over me.
00:28:20
Speaker
And I bathed in olive oil. So let me tell you something. If you do this right, buddy, this is going to be the tenderest person you've ever eaten.
00:28:31
Speaker
I'm talking like Michelin star shit right here. Okay. Don't you dare just eat me off the boat. You've been warned though. I have had IBS for the last three months. Stay away from the rectum and the whole intestine track. Make sure you clean things out appropriately. I wouldn't go tripe on this one.
00:28:58
Speaker
Oh, God. Best way to die. OK, so. So the Bean Clan was so.
00:29:08
Speaker
Okay, so hold on a second. They did not go unnoticed by the local villagers, but the Bean Clan stayed in their cave by day and took their victims at night. The Bean Clan was so clandestine that the villagers were unaware of the murderers living so close nearby. As local people began to take notice of disappearances, several organized searches were launched to find the culprits. One search took note of the cave, but the men refused to believe anything human could live in it.
00:29:38
Speaker
I don't think they were known in the town.
00:29:54
Speaker
go ahead sorry one of their relatives was and i'll get to that kind of towards the end but for the most part they were like unknown they were like they didn't go to school you know i mean yeah but i mean they were robbing people so they were you gotta trade the goods somehow right like yeah like what are you real goods if you don't
00:30:11
Speaker
Yeah. What's the point of having money if you're not going to go buy stuff? Like I said, floss, you know, like they need floss. So. You do. Seasoning. I agree with you. Scissors. You need scissors. Knives. Knives. Don't sell. Ranch dressing we were talking about.
00:30:26
Speaker
Ranch dressing would come in, like the powdered stuff would work really well in that scenario. We don't have water on them. And you probably eat like, you want- You eat sour cream? What? That's true. And vegetables, right? You don't just want to eat red meat all the time. No, God, no. No, that got into it. Lord, that's terrible for you. How are you going to have more incestuous kids than ever going to live that long? You eat fiber. Like you eat some fiber in your diet. What kind of diet do you think this is called? It wasn't paleo. It was like a-
00:30:56
Speaker
And a cannonball person, personal, personal. That's the next health spad eating humans. That's true. OK, so protein, protein, protein, bro. Get frustrated. And they're all just huge. OK. Just like they are. Yeah, they are. That was what kind of diet was that the fucking Atkins?
00:31:25
Speaker
especially when you just eat people named Atkins. Frustrated in their frenetic quest for justice, the townspeople hanged several innocents, but the disappearances continued. Suspicion often fell on the local innkeepers because, you know, they were the last ones that saw the people arriving town for life. Sure, blame it on the guy that's just trying to make a buck. Has to clean up all the condoms in your bedroom. He's a guy.
00:31:55
Speaker
Per lap, per lap condoms back then. Right. Didn't we talk about that? One night the bean clan ambushed a married couple riding from a fair on a horse. You can imagine they just went on a merry go round. They just bought each other cotton candy. And they're riding a horse through down.
00:32:19
Speaker
The man was skilled in combat, so he definitely held off the clan with sword and pistol. However, the Bean Clan unhorsed the wife and she fell to the ground. The women in Bean's group that night killed the wife, cutting her throat and sucking her blood. They also pulled out her intestines. It's gross.
00:32:42
Speaker
Before they could take the resilient husband, a large group of fairgoers appeared on the trail and the beans fled. They're really going to change that last. Beans fling. Do you think that the Mr. Bean the TV show is like a bio episodic like true story? He was right. He was. Yeah. He's a late, a long lost ancestor. He was a quiet man because great. Yeah. I actually used to really enjoy Mr. Bean, but I will tell you this. Ate a lot of people.
00:33:12
Speaker
Definitely a lot of people in that show. Yeah, that's where he lost me. It was just so random. Yeah. He was just like making all sorts of faces and doing dances and stuff. And he just, you know, it's weird. Yum, yum, yum. People. The fair goers took this over to the local magistrate, whom they informed of this experience. Yes, sir. What happened? I don't know. He just went away.
00:33:41
Speaker
John, are you still, can you hear us? Okay, I'm going to keep going. John's out of the screen, but apparently his, his, uh, headphones are still on. So what the beans existence finally revealed. It was not long before King James, the sixth of Scotland heard of the atrocities and decided to lead a search with a team of 400 men and several bloodhounds.
00:34:08
Speaker
They soon found the Bean's Clans previously overlooked cave in Benan Head thanks to the Bloodhounds. Upon entering the cave by torchlight, the searchers found the Bean Clan surrounded by human remains, some body parts hanging from the wall, barrels filled with limbs, and piles of stolen heirlooms in jewelry.
00:34:34
Speaker
That's got to fuck with you. The jig is up. The jig is up beans. Well, because you are not expecting walking into that ck. No, maybe the first guy comes in and he's like, hey, does any of you guys know anything about all these missing people? No, sure. Yeah. There's one guy behind him like, I think this this might be it because people are responsible. Hey, Kevin, I think that's an arm.
00:35:03
Speaker
Yeah, no. What's your mind? No, no, no, no, no. That's no. But I can see the tattoo on it. It's an arm. I'm pretty sure it's an anime tattoo. Look, listen, I'm pretty sure this is this is a dead end. OK, we should just leave this cave. Nope. Nope. There's another guy with a with a fucking bear on us. A bear tattooed on his arm. Look at that beard just laying on the ground. It's just a beard. It's just a beard. They eat. They eat around the beard. It's weird.
00:35:33
Speaker
They would do that. God, I hope that's how we die, guys. I do not. OK, well, we have different dreams. There are two versions of the events following the Bean Clan's discovery. The most common of the two is that the Bean Clan was captured alive where they gave up without a fight.
Justice and Aftermath
00:35:52
Speaker
They were taken in chains to the toll booth jail in Edinburgh in Edinburgh.
00:35:58
Speaker
then transferred to Leith or Glasgow, where they were promptly executed without trial, as people saw them as subhuman and unfit for one. Well, yeah, no shit. Can you imagine what these fucking people look like? Is that okay with you just to murder people on how they look, Greg? Yes, it is. Is that okay with that? Yeah. No, based on those crimes, yes, it is okay. It's not murder, it's an execution.
00:36:22
Speaker
They reap what they sow. Sorry, I'm not a pastor. But they didn't get a fair trial. How do we know it was them? You know what? This is Scotland, dude. There's no such thing as innocent. Could be a sea hag. Frame them. Could have been a kraken. Right. Here's the thing. Just because people have incest doesn't mean they're murderers. It just means they're like fucking they're religious. Other than the fact that they walked into the cave, they were like literally chewing on fucking like bones and shit. Okay. Well, yeah, that would be.
00:36:47
Speaker
Yeah, you didn't say that initially, though. I made it up right now. I just said it. Well, this is like Wikipedia. You can add at your leisure at it. It's a great leisure. OK, let's see here. Let's see. I'm transferring. Hmm. They're probably executed with a trial. That's part John like. Sonny and his fellow men had a genitalia cut off and thrown into the fires. I hope they did that before they killed them.
00:37:17
Speaker
So they can just watch their dicks burn. Jesus, dude, I feel like that's an ACDC song. What in your dicks burn? Watch, watch, watch, watch your dick burn. You both smell like shit. You fucking take a shower next time. There's there's no songs. I don't know it.
00:37:43
Speaker
Okay, their hands and feet were severed and were allowed to bleed to death. Hmm. With Sony shouting his dying words, it isn't over. It will never be over. And then he probably died, so it was over. After watching the men die, Agnes,
00:38:04
Speaker
Oh, good old hot Agnes. Dreamboat Agnes. What was it? What was it? Vicious. Vicious. It was black. Vicious. Oh, black Agnes Douglas. But she was but she was described as vicious, right? That was. Yeah, she was described as a word. Someone's guts out. So she was allegedly vicious woman. OK. I think she was Kevin. I don't think it was an overstatement.
00:38:32
Speaker
Okay, Agnus, her fellow women, and the children were tied to stakes and burned alive. These execution practices recall, in essence, if not in detail, the punishments of hanging, drawing, and quartering to create for men convicted of treason. In contrast, women convicted of the same were burned. There's also another claim that the search party placed gunpowder at the entrance of their cave where the sauny bean clan faced the fate of suffocation. Way more boring.
00:38:59
Speaker
I hope that's not what happened to him. I hope they got their junk cut off, thrown into a fire and their hands and feet cut off and Sony shouting out. Do you think they cut their feet off first in their hands or was it hands and feet? Didn't we say they started with the junk? Yeah, no, they started the junk so you could see that when you're fully
00:39:19
Speaker
Limbed and did they go like dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
00:39:44
Speaker
Yeah, I always get the smallest intestine because I'm at the end of the line and it's not fair. Okay. So let's see the town of Gerwin or Gervin located near the macabre scene of murder and debauchery has another legend about the bean clan. There are claims that one of the beans daughters eventually left the clan and settled in Gervin where she planted a tree that became known as the Harry tree. After her family's capture and exposure,
00:40:13
Speaker
The daughter's identity was revealed by angry locals who hanged her from the bow of that very tree. Hmm. Well, by the bow bow, I said bow bow, but it's because I said it the Canadian way. What's the bow of the tree?
00:40:32
Speaker
When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall. Yeah. Okay. Great. What does it mean? It's like a branch, right? Isn't it a branch? I don't know. I sing that shit to my kid. Why is that really weird? Why is the cradle in the tree? Yeah. That's a really morbid song by the way. It's terrible. It's terrible. But I need to keep him, you know, keep him in line. You know, it could happen. Well, tell him the story.
00:40:57
Speaker
This is a story you should tell him. All right. I got him. I got one for you, buddy. You're like, put this headphones on. Have you heard of the Bean Clan? According to the Scotsman, it's a newspaper. There's debate over the validity of the Saudi Bean tale. Yeah, we already know. Some people believe that Saudi Bean was a real person, while others think he was just a mythical figure.
00:41:20
Speaker
Dorothy L. Sayers offered a gruesome account of the Sonny Bean tale in her anthology, Great Short Stories of Detection, Mystery and Horror. The book was a best seller reprinting seven times. So there was only seven books? No, reprinted seven times. So it was very popular.
00:41:41
Speaker
We've sold four. That's print print three more Okay Making some of them my life with this printing press Um, let's see here. So yeah, it's just this goes on to describe the Saudi beantail Okay, I could tell you guys if we have enough time we can go through another story of cannibalism or I could wrap it up I mean I
00:42:09
Speaker
We have another story of cannibalism. I found I found two stories about cannibalism. The other one's not as long. Or fuck, we can wrap it up. I mean, what's how does this defeat itself? Like, I'm tired. It's going to be like it's going to tie together at the end. Yeah, it's going to be real loose like like yours are, John. It's going to be a loose knot. It's going to be the kind of knot that like you take two steps with those shoes and they're going to die.
00:42:40
Speaker
Why is it so funny? I don't know how many more cannibal jokes I have. Yeah, I'm done. I'm all out. Okay, good. Let's wrap this shit up. Guys, last call. Okay. Let's have a bevy. Cheers. Cheers.
00:42:59
Speaker
Whether you believe the tale of Sawney Bean to be true or not, you have to admit that the name Sawney is fucking weird. It is weird. This is how he's going to do it. The whole episode has been about names. He did talk about not liking the Bean last name, too. I refuse to feel bad about this, guys. I don't. Taboo Stories, this is the part I wrote, so pay attention. Taboo Stories.
00:43:28
Speaker
Like this really resonate with our own morbid curiosity. You can't help but try to wonder how a person or a group of people can go so far off the rails of social norms and commit the darkest and most vile acts imaginable.
00:43:53
Speaker
And without social media, so you know, they weren't doing it for the clicks. Were they completely insane? If not, how could they justify any part of what they did? So how do we tie this all together with a theme over our show? Are you asking for suggestions or do you know? I am. I'm going to tell you what I came up with. It's kind of weak.
00:44:20
Speaker
I say go with the name thing. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm building the crescendo. How does this tale relate to not defeating ourselves? You might ask. Here's the answer. It's usually me who asks that.
00:44:35
Speaker
Hey, John, that's an insult, man. And he's making it seem like you don't give a fuck about the theme of our show. That's fine. That's fine. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who does. I'm literally tying it. I wrote about it. I'm putting it together right now. Listen, listen, chat GP did this whole episode, but this is the old fucking one part I wrote. So listen to me. I don't even know what you're talking about. Here's the answer.
00:45:03
Speaker
Evil, unfortunately, will always exist. I should shut off my computer right now, right? And I'm just disappearing. Probably, yeah. Evil, unfortunately, will always exist. It is part of all of us. It is part of human nature. But guess what, Sony? You crazy son of a bitch. Most of us don't fucking act on crazy thoughts. We think to ourselves, that was weird. I should probably talk to somebody. So let's defeat Sony and not repeat his
Reflections on Evil
00:45:31
Speaker
history. That's right.
00:45:33
Speaker
Let's not be cannibals. Don't defeat ourselves. It's a good message. That's a really impactful speech. Don't eat people. You can murder, but don't eat them. That's just weird. That is weird. It's too far. So you thought I wasn't going to be able to tie it together. Still don't. Burned. Still thinking that.
00:46:02
Speaker
How would you assholes tie it together? It's not our episode. Well, it is now. So everybody raise a glass last call. So you take a shot at it. I have more alcohol.
00:46:19
Speaker
All right, everybody raised their glass. I was going to remember stay out of sea caves. Yeah, don't go to caves. And remember, there's there's food somewhere. You'll find food somewhere. And if not, starve to death like a fucking decent human. I love how this started out with them just not really wanting to work.
00:46:39
Speaker
You know what I mean? Like that's the whole thing was just like, I don't really want to. I don't really move to work. You know, some people have to live up to their fathers or mothers. Yeah. It's just like the implications of being like a surgeon or doctor. Come on, man. I never. This fucking guy couldn't even be a fucking hedge term or dig a ditch digger. So he's his way was, you know, just find my own food. You know, I live off the land and and people tourists. I love a few organs. No big deal.
00:47:11
Speaker
Thank you, Greg. That was awesome. Thank you, John. Hope everybody enjoyed the episode and the moral of the story. Don't eat people. Yep. Yep. Unless you're an animal, then big fucking deal. Unless you're my cats and I died, you got another way to survive. You can eat me.
00:47:31
Speaker
Apparently they will eat you not even like they won't even wait like they won't wait to get hungry They go right to killing you or yeah like Jennifer could still be alive and buying them Good night everybody