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043 - Misdiagnosed and Misunderstood: What Happens When the Education System Gets It Wrong
15 Plays3 days ago
"They labeled me with a learning disability… but I knew I was smart."
In this powerful and emotional episode of Vulnerability Muscle, host Reggie D. Ford reconnects with childhood friend Martrell Williams, whose life story is both a gut punch and a masterclass in resilience. Martrell shares how he was wrongfully placed in special education due to behavioral issues stemming from a chaotic home life—and how that decision nearly derailed his future.
From being medicated and isolated in portable classrooms to teaching himself how to read in middle school, Martrell reveals the deep emotional cost of being mislabeled, misunderstood, and underestimated. Yet, his story is one of unlearning, self-reclamation, and rising above systemic failure through therapy, faith, and grit.
He dives into:
- How grief and unprocessed trauma impacted his mental and physical health
- The role of therapy in helping him reconnect to emotions he'd long suppressed
- Why he now uses fasting, prayer, and fitness to maintain mental clarity
Martrell’s testimony is a wake-up call to parents, educators, and policymakers—because what we label in childhood can last a lifetime… unless someone dares to unlearn it.
🎧 CALL TO ACTION:
If you've ever been underestimated, mislabeled, or told you weren’t enough, this episode is for you. Tune in to hear how Martrell turned pain into purpose—and how you can too. Subscribe, rate, and share this episode of Vulnerability Muscle wherever you listen to podcasts.
📬 CONTACT INFO:
Guest – Martrell Williams
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/trel_dior/
Facebook: Martrell Williams
Host – Reggie D. Ford
Website: reggiedford.com
Socials: @reggiedford on all platforms
🔑 QUOTES & TAKEAWAYS:
- "I didn’t have a learning disability. I had a chaotic home life."
- "They gave me pills like I was an animal—but never asked why I was angry."
- "Grief tore my Achilles. I tried to outrun pain instead of feeling it."
Recommended
Transcript
Stigma and Self-Perception of Learning Disabilities
00:00:00
Speaker
they label you as having a learning disability. You start to question your intelligence. Even though you know you can process information and retain information just as well as anybody, you still have that stigma because you're living that situation and it's hard to fight out of that.
Introduction to 'Vulnerability Muscle' Podcast
00:00:15
Speaker
Welcome to Vulnerability Muscle, the inspiring podcast challenging norms and helping you redefine vulnerability as a strength. I'm your host, Reggie D. Ford. Each episode of Vulnerability Muscle dives into a variety of topics such as mental health, social issues, and mindset shifts.
00:00:33
Speaker
We explore the power of vulnerability and fostering meaningful connections. healing, building resilience, and promoting personal growth. Sometimes these conversations are uncomfortable, but good workouts often are.
00:00:48
Speaker
So join us and flex that vulnerability muscle.
Reunion with Martrell Williams
00:00:52
Speaker
Welcome to Vulnerability Muscle, the empowering podcast challenging you to redefine vulnerability as a strength, a strength that helps us connect, that helps us heal, that helps us grow, and it ultimately humanizes us all. So I'm excited to have this conversation with a childhood friend of mine, Martrell Williams. What's up, my brother? What's up, brother? How you been?
00:01:14
Speaker
I've been great, man. And i am i'm I'm excited. like And we reconnected like... Fairly recently yeah at the gym. That's a theme. Like I've been ah like the gym has been a spot where I've been reconnecting with somebody, with people. And man, you came up to me and started talking life into me.
00:01:33
Speaker
And I just knew we had to make this happen. Yeah, seen the TED Talk. And when I seen you do the TED Talk, I was like, is that Reggie? He got a TED Talk? How did he get a TED Talk?
00:01:45
Speaker
I never imagined you would do a TED Talk. I don't even know a person that's had a TED Talk at all. yeah So when I seen you did it, I was like, Reggie is... a emotionally grown and his emotional intelligence has grown and he speaks and articulates very well now yeah this is a different guy yeah then i met before when we talked he was like he got to come on the podcast yeah you got to come holler at me man do the podcast i'm like all right let's do it and i felt like I could share some of the stuff I had been through in the transitions of us
Educational Transitions and Challenges
00:02:20
Speaker
switching schools. You know, I stayed in Metro schools in East Nashville, and you just disappeared. yeah I don't know where you went. You just disappeared one school year. I didn't see you again until we were playing in the men's basketball league, mid-state sports league, and we were playing against each other. And you called my name. You remember?
00:02:41
Speaker
Wait. That's what you're playing for. Vanderbilt had a team or whatever. Some football guys was playing. was like, what you doing here, man? Wow. Playing with a couple guys I went to play football with for Vanderbilt. said, you went to Vanderbilt?
00:02:53
Speaker
I forgot about this. Like, how the hell we getting Vanderbilt? You went to public schools like me. You shouldn't have went to Vanderbilt. Man, I forgot all about that. Yeah, man. That was the first time we seen each other. And then at that point, I was like, I thought about it.
00:03:10
Speaker
I had so much going on in my life. i couldn't i you know I couldn't be intertwined with somebody else. But I was like, how the hell he get into Vanderbilt? I was like... like I went to Ball State. Columbia State Community I was like, how did he do that? Man. Oh, my
Understanding Vulnerability as Strength
00:03:24
Speaker
God. I'm i'm excited. I can't wait to get into that journey of like what like the past. What's the place? it Yeah. It's a while. But first, let me let me I just want to ask a couple of questions to break the ice.
00:03:38
Speaker
And i call this segment, like what comes to mind. And so like, just the first thing that comes to mind when you hear what I'm about to say. So one, what comes to mind when you hear the word vulnerability?
00:03:52
Speaker
To relinquish control. I love It's the first thing I think about because to be vulnerable, you have to be strong to do that. You have to come into a space where you can let people in.
00:04:06
Speaker
and some stuff is scary to do that. You want to be judged at all. And I had to figure out how to become vulnerable to understand myself. I had to be okay with what took place in my life to become even vulnerable. And then I seen strength within that.
00:04:22
Speaker
Man, wow. that's That's beautiful. And i hope that as things come up, talking today or anytime, like if if if you feel that fear, that scary part of the vulnerability that you feel comfortable letting me know that you feel comfortable setting a boundary and we don't have to touch those things.
Managing Stress and Depression
00:04:45
Speaker
um But I want this to feel like a safe space for you to share what you need to want to, um but also protect you in your space. For sure. Definitely. Definitely. oh What is something that you do to center yourself, ground yourself when you're feeling stressed or maybe depressed?
00:05:04
Speaker
So the gym, I think when we were growing up, ah for me, growing up in those neighborhoods that we grew up in, um aggression was the was always something that kind of,
00:05:17
Speaker
showing up in a negative light for me. And I didn't get to channel that aggression until I got into sports, like you, right? Start playing football, and you get to get some of that energy out.
00:05:30
Speaker
And a release was always physical activity. So once I tore my Achilles, I know you tore yours. You what I'm saying? did some research. Yeah. I tore both of mine. had a bilateral tear. I had one in the rarest. At the same time? At the same time.
00:05:45
Speaker
But in the recovery, I tore both during healing one. Oh, God. Dang. And in that process, you know, I pushed my body past where the limitations were. Yeah.
00:05:57
Speaker
by grieving the death of my mother wrong. um um And I think that would that's what hurt me because I always use ah physical activity as a release of stress when I should have processed it more by taking time for myself to to grieve things that I didn't like and disgruntled men. But usually it was through physical activity. Still to this day, I work out.
00:06:22
Speaker
That helps relieve stress. I meditate um and I pray. I stay in prayer. um I fast a lot too. yeah I fast twice a week yeah just to cleanse myself of any um anything that could...
00:06:40
Speaker
restrict me. yeah not When I'm in that fasted state, I feel free, I feel more, it's no food, processed food, no dopamine hits, nothing like that to get me in a space where I'm worked up.
00:06:53
Speaker
um So fasting gives me a very clear mind. yeah I work out, and that's how I relieve
Therapy Stigma in the Black Community
00:07:00
Speaker
that stress so I can go along with my workday um and process certain things with my friends and my relationship as in a healthy way.
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, that's dope. I love that. You got a lot of different tools that you use. That's good. Therapy. I had to learn those, you know, what I was feeling through therapy. And that's why when we talked and I heard you speak, I was like, listen, this guy has done the work similar to what I'm trying to do.
00:07:26
Speaker
And I didn't, it's a stigma behind chemotherapy. It is. Especially in a black community. um Even at a young age, I remember telling my mother I was having, I was sad.
00:07:38
Speaker
And she said, your ass to sleep. You know? Man. your ass to sleep. I done heard that too many times. You want to hear like, you ain't sad, you ain't paying no bills. What you got to be sad for? So it's like, you learn to. Sad your ass to sleep. Sad your ass to sleep. Go lay down.
00:07:51
Speaker
Yeah. You're just tired. Right. Right. It's an excuse. And i don't think they they gave us the space or the tools to even express ourselves, to even say, hey, I don't feel good about this or I don't want to do this.
00:08:05
Speaker
And you take that into your adult life and so unhealthy. Yes. Yes. So true, man. Damn. I'm i'm glad that... That was one of the things that I saw when we spoke at the gym was like, I was like, oh, you've done some healing too. I could just hear it in...
00:08:18
Speaker
the words that you were saying and the things that you were doing. And I'm, and I was proud to see that. And that's why I can't wait to get deeper into your journey. yeah ah Last one is, is
Educational Disparities: Private vs. Public Schools
00:08:28
Speaker
ah what is one of your favorite childhood memories?
00:08:35
Speaker
That's an interesting question. When you met me, I know. I know. You guys talk about that one. No, I'm just messing with you. As a child, I think my favorite childhood memory, I got a Game Boy Advance. Ooh.
00:08:49
Speaker
And um it was a couple Christmases where I didn't get any gifts because we just didn't have the money. And that's probably most vivid childhood memory I have where...
00:09:03
Speaker
I was just ecstatic. I was happy. I had a pureness of joy that couldn't be shaken by anybody. yeah I got something that I just valued more than life itself. man And um that that was pretty much it as far as like you know hanging out with your friends, playing and stuff like that.
00:09:20
Speaker
Other than that, that was the biggest one that stands out. I remember that so vividly. Yeah. Oh, that's dope. That's Because I was a trick. My mom put it in a shoebox and stuff. I'm like, I don't want no shoes. That's not what I asked for. Right? And so she ends up, you know, making his face at me and said, just open it. And I opened it. It was a Game Boy Vance. I just went up looked her, you know, tears in my eyes. So that was probably the most vivid memory I had from my childhood where I was like, yeah.
00:09:49
Speaker
Man, I'm going to buy myself a Game Boy. You got to, man. I ain't never had a Game Boy. You never had one? I never had a Game Boy. You're a grown man. That's why. You've just been a grown man your whole life. You never played no games. That part. yeah That part. i mean But I was 64 to the PS2, so I had that 007, Mario, all that. But, man, I wanted a Game Boy. I'm going to go get me a Game Boy.
00:10:13
Speaker
Somebody buy me a Game Boy. can Let's see if we can get a Game Boy on that. But... But man, i thank you for for sharing that because like ah there's so many similarities in our journeys, but then there's also the differences. And so like like to for the listeners, like we went to middle school together. yep And um I'm trying to think. I left public school in the so after the seventh grade, but we left I left the school that we were at together after the sixth grade.
00:10:44
Speaker
And um I went down this private school route. really on a different journey from nearly everybody in my neighborhood and community.
00:10:55
Speaker
And I was on this, you know, isolated journey of of being educated and then, you know, prep school to college to, you know, life beyond. And your journey was different.
Impact of Being Labeled with a Learning Disability
00:11:06
Speaker
Like you, you, you went to our neighborhood school, the school that we were zoned for. Tell me about just like, know,
00:11:13
Speaker
catch me up like after sixth grade. So before you met me, um I went to Kirkpatrick Elementary, which is in a poverty stricken environment. It's one of the worst schools, I would say, in East Nashville for an elementary child to go to because it's right next to um The Projects, which is James Casey, where I grew up at. I grew up on South 6th, South 5th, Robinson Park Apartments. I moved around a little bit. So I'm already indoctrinated into a culture that I don't fully understand.
00:11:46
Speaker
ah know it I'm out of place for sure, but I'm indoctrinated into something where I'm almost – destined to fail, right? And so before you before you meet me, i go through a transition um with the school system. In about the third grade, I assaulted a teacher by mistake.
00:12:08
Speaker
And what I didn't understand with black children in that situation, um if you have a behavioral issue, instead of them addressing the issue, sometimes you could be tested for different things because you're disruptive.
00:12:27
Speaker
I was tested for attention deficit disorder. um not by a clinical psychologist, by a school psychologist, which changes the narrative.
00:12:38
Speaker
um And so I was moved into IEP program. I think that's what it's called, but it's special education. And after that assault, they wanted me out the classroom. So I moved into a portable, I'm isolated, and I moved around other kids with other problems, which inherently makes you more aggressive in nature.
00:12:57
Speaker
ah These kids have real issues. Some of them were born with drugs in their system. These became my friends. um We already live in a bad community as it is, so it's going to make me a little bit more aggressive in nature as well to adapt to my environment, shall we say. right um And so throughout that process, they give you medicine, like almost like pillage.
00:13:24
Speaker
ah had him You would go to the office and you open your mouth and they would put a pill in your mouth and to calm you down. and You stay in one classroom all day. Now, inherently, I didn't know what it was going to do to me as a person.
00:13:38
Speaker
No one knows. Right. And most of the time, the parents just sign you over because they give you a good speech and say, hey, we're going to catch them up and in make learn at the same Love was everyone else. I had never had a learning disability.
00:13:50
Speaker
Yeah, I was just disruptive because my home my home wasn't chao it it chaotic. right yeah And a lot of times, you know, you exhibit you feel or have been through some type of physical abuse. So your natural nature is to show aggression or to exhibit that behavior in some type of way.
00:14:09
Speaker
So As I progress, when you meet me, I'm still in special education. right And I don't know if you see, it i was a little- didn't think I realized You didn't realize it. I would go to a different classroom and all kinds of stuff. And this um this puts a stigma on a child that it's very hard to erase.
00:14:25
Speaker
Because for one, your classmates are going to laugh at you. You won't be respected. And two, you don't have the opportunity to excel past graduation and doing a certain things. You put a cap on a child wow when you do that. And I was capped.
00:14:40
Speaker
And so when you leave, i get worse. You know what saying? When you leave after the sixth grade, I just, you know, I get in more trouble until I find basketball. I get into the eighth grade and I meet a teacher named Tori
Transitioning Out of Special Education
00:14:54
Speaker
Johnson.
00:14:54
Speaker
And Ms. Johnson... saved my life wow in a lot of different ways. She was a black woman. And um no one tried to test me out of the classes. No one tried to help me in any type of way or say, okay, this kid doesn't have a learning disability at all. He's actually very articulate. His vocabulary is high for his age group.
00:15:16
Speaker
you know, maybe he just couldn't calm down to focus, to take the test, the standardized test that i he needed to take. And so she's seen that in me and she pushed me to get better. So she changed all my classes to regular standard class. And she told me, she sat me down. She said, hey, when you go to high school, if you're still in special education, you won't graduate with a diploma. won't They won't give you one. They'll give you a ah certificate and then you'll not be able to get a job. You'll probably end up selling drugs or doing something you shouldn't be doing. And she's like, I don't want that to happen to you. And she's like, let's get your mom on the phone. Let's try to get you signed out. My mother and four kids. She worked the two jobs. you know She doesn't have time to focus on the youngest child.
00:16:00
Speaker
I'm just in the way at this point. wow And so I... I get to the ninth grade, and this is when the story kind of gets interesting because I didn't know a lot about the Board of Education or the school systems.
00:16:11
Speaker
um I got regular classes. she She changed my transcript to regular classes. She told me if I failed, they're probably to put me back in special education. so Did she ever communicate to you why she chose to do that for you? is it what Did she recognize? Did she talk to you? What what made her do that for you?
00:16:29
Speaker
So I could control the class. um because they could understand me. And I just finished my work a lot quicker than everybody else did, right? And instead, I would help people with their work. So that's how controlled the narrative. Like, they'll just give me their paper, I just do it real fast.
00:16:47
Speaker
Because it was easy work. we were always learning a grade behind. wow And it does not help a child progress. It doesn't give you the help that they say it does. It just isolates you.
00:16:59
Speaker
And then once it isolates you, the the class... The class will turn you into some type of anomaly in a negative factor, not in a good way.
00:17:10
Speaker
And kids will make fun of you and it will make you feel like that you can't be any better than what you were. And she was the person that kept telling me that I was more and I was capable of more.
00:17:22
Speaker
And so I go through high school and I remember I fell in most of my classes in ninth grade. It was just too much freedom. Because it was too, oh, it was freedom. It was just freedom, It wasn't the fact that like you basically, was it two grades? like i had to catch up two, three grades. So I've been in special education for since the third grade.
00:17:39
Speaker
Now I never learned anything. I couldn't read it probably until I got to the sixth grade. Wow. be realistic. Yeah. And I really taught myself to read by just reading the Harry Potter book. Yeah.
00:17:50
Speaker
Shout out to Harry Potter books, man. Harry Potter. Changed my life, too. Man. I just kept reading Harry Potter, the first book, and it was words in there I couldn't even fathom to understand. I was like, well. I still don't understand. of them not real words, in my opinion. They just made up stuff. So, yeah.
00:18:05
Speaker
I want to play basketball. Basketball is my passion. I don't know if you remember remember in the eighth grade, Dale Wood won the city championship. Yeah. Lose a game. Right. I played on that team. Yeah.
00:18:16
Speaker
So I'm coming into high school thinking I'm just going to be a star. I'm just going to play, be good. you know Yeah. And it's going be an easy transition. So I fail, and they're like, no basketball. My mom's like, no basketball.
00:18:26
Speaker
So this guy, we had a – I don't know if he was the school psychologist. I don't know what he was. He would come up to me, he would ask me questions like, were you in special special education? And I'm like, no, I don't know what that is because I know what's going to happen if I agree to it, right? yeah And so he did it every year to his defense.
00:18:48
Speaker
He came every year and asked me. And he who is this person? His name was Dr. Looch. That's as much as I can remember about this guy. Paul, African man. And so um i get into 12th grade.
00:19:00
Speaker
I play basketball and play for two years. It's it's my senior night. I get called to the principal's office um and they're like, you got to go to this classroom on second floor. And it's not like, it's not a lot of, it's like a fifth grade floor. or I mean, ah a ninth grade floor or something like that.
00:19:18
Speaker
So I go up there and I'm walking down the hallway and I see Tori Johnson, right? And she's standing there with tears in her eyes. And I'm like, what are you doing? well so I didn't think I was gonna see you again. Why are you even here? What's going on?
00:19:31
Speaker
So she's like, um, Marcia, you know what you did? I was like, no. She gives me this hug. She was like, the, The school system every year got paid for you being in special education. Oh, my goodness.
00:19:45
Speaker
And they kept you in it. And you didn't get any assistance with the gateways, which is a standardized state test for Tennessee that you had to pass to get a diploma.
00:19:56
Speaker
And so she was like, you pretty much can sue the board of education if you wanted to. Wow. So I'm like, the board of education? I don't feel like I did anything. Wow. I feel like I just took tests like everybody else and passed it because you gave me an opportunity to learn like everyone else. Yeah. Instead of putting a stigma on me saying that I had a learning disability when I never had it. Right. You just stigmatized me because I was a black of behavior.
00:20:21
Speaker
And I was in a poor environment and you wanted money from that situation. And we... We just let our children fall between the cracks sometimes. yeah And that was prolific for me when she told me that.
00:20:34
Speaker
So they take me into a classroom, and they it's another person there from the Board of Education. They said, you can sign yourself out of special ed. And you were at what age? You were a senior this year? I turned 18. Okay. So they said, legally, you could sign yourself out. Okay. I had no legal guidance, which I should have at the time, because, of course, you've cheated me out of my education in a lot of different ways. That's why I thought your story is so unique, because I had all these challenges just to fight to get those rules.
00:21:05
Speaker
yeah I'm fighting kids for for my respect to not be called slow yeah you know or or be labeled as something. I'm fighting through um my transgressions of learning three grades behind and have to catch up to everybody else and You know, focus. And so she told me I didn't have to sign the papers, but I wouldn't graduate on time. At the time, I wanted to go play for Columbia State, play basketball.
00:21:31
Speaker
So I'm like, I need to graduate on time because I want to go play. I don't have time. I don't understand the legal battles. I'm not educated enough to understand that liability that's just taking place with
Therapy's Role in Overcoming Negative Labels
00:21:42
Speaker
me.
00:21:42
Speaker
And so I signed the paperwork, which in hindsight I shouldn't have done. I should have fought that and seen, you know, could I get at least a stipend or something for my college? For college, yeah. um But I only wanted to go to play sports because, of course, I had a negative connotation with school because of that situation. Yeah.
00:22:01
Speaker
And so that kinda had labeled me a certain way into my adult life. When I got into therapy, I had to unlearn some of those things. That stigma still followed me outside of my childhood.
00:22:16
Speaker
how How so? So, like, i one, thank you. Like, that that helps me see so much in a different light because I had no idea of the – I mean, probably at the time i would have known, like, I would have been a little bit aware if you were going to a different class. But, like, my recollection of those experiences isn't that – Like, really, the thing that I remember most is us playing basketball a together.
00:22:42
Speaker
That's And – ah So like to be to like hear the backstory and to see when the person that you are today through those challenges, like one, I want to commend you for just doing the work that you needed and continuing to do the work that you need to be the person that you are, ah to be able to share your story on a platform like that. it That takes a lot of courage and to to overcome some of those challenges of being labeled of hearing the shame that you had to carry. But like what was that?
00:23:16
Speaker
what What was that like in your internally? like Were you having conversations with yourself of like, fuck this, like why are they treating me like Why are they telling me I'm this? And like did you have conversations with yourself like that? Yeah, I did because they give you, they label you as having a learning disability.
00:23:32
Speaker
And um the people around you... Treats you as such because they you go to that classroom, they see you in that classroom, and now you start to question your intelligence.
00:23:44
Speaker
Even though you know you can process information and retain information just as well as anybody, you still have that stigma because you're living that situation, and it's hard to fight out of that.
00:23:55
Speaker
Why do you think at in third grade, like after the assault, that you were then tested to be labeled? Like what where was the flaw in this system and what do you think should have been done instead?
00:24:07
Speaker
So from my research, um and it's changed a lot, the school systems have changed. um Back then, I think instead of dealing with kids that were disruptive, they would look at test scores and see, could you, you know, were you passing or not? And I think it just automatically put you in a category to get tested.
00:24:29
Speaker
yeah My grades might've been so low at that time. I'm not eating breakfast. I'm not, you know, waking up you without being yelled at. I'm not going into school like a normal kid to get the opportunity to. I have no calories in my body to to burn energy.
00:24:46
Speaker
So I'm aggravated, just like any child would be. yeah And, you know, I reacted. And so I think they just pick those kids based off of if he disrupted the class, we can challenge that and get them tested.
00:24:59
Speaker
And if he fails the test, we automatically get money for the child and it goes towards our school. yeah And I think they took that because how much funding do you get being in that area?
00:25:09
Speaker
You're not in the best school, you're in school. Wow. That, and so like that, that like highlights so much because like part of like on my side, let me like, so my journey in school, school is always the place where I thrived. Like academically, it wasn't the challenge that it wasn't a challenge for me. And so I straight A's all the way, you know, through for, for so long.
00:25:35
Speaker
And, um, that was one of the reasons why the opportunity to go to private school became a possibility. I took a test. It was the opposite, right? It was like, it was a test to see the aptitude, the how how you would perform in this school.
00:25:49
Speaker
And then that led to being in an environment where I was taking college level courses as an eighth grader, ninth grader, like, and it just... that the dichotomy of that and how on a compounded level, like the difference that that makes. yeah But at the same time, when you talk about like public schools and funding, when you pull a high performing kid out of the school,
00:26:13
Speaker
they're losing money. And if they put you into regular courses, they're losing money. And so it's like, all right, we want to force our lowest performing students into these classes so that we get funding because we're losing our highest.
00:26:28
Speaker
And in nash in a city like Nashville, you got so many kids going out into public school that are impacting the way that our public schools are being funded and the performance of those schools. And so like...
00:26:41
Speaker
Fuck. like My mind is blown away right now. Yeah, we have the... It's a duality of... I wouldn't say good and evil, but is it it is um showing that one child can go one direction depending on who sees the potential in them. Yes. And then the other child can end up going down a hill because the system is...
00:27:06
Speaker
projectively pushing them that way. And that could take you into prison, yeah take you into landscape where, You're detrimental to your environment yeah because you could not adapt quick enough and the society will not reward failure. Right. It just does not.
00:27:23
Speaker
Like the the school to prison pipeline is real. Like, like, and I can't remember the exact year or what ah they look at when they're projecting how many prisons they need to build. But I think it is around the third grade. yeah It's around third grade. And it's like, okay, how many of these students are truant?
00:27:42
Speaker
ah How many of these students are failing? Okay, that's we're going to need more prisons. And so, like, oh, my God, I'm so thankful that you're right here in front of me right now, man. Yeah, man, it's it's an interesting thing because you have alternatives once you don't further your education.
00:27:59
Speaker
And that alternative is the streets. It's to sell drugs. It's to do something that's detrimental to yourself because this is the only means of you making – residual income where it's substantial yeah enough to take care of your family, take care of you in a certain type of way. yeah And that's what we've been pushed through rap music, through the culture and a number of different things.
00:28:19
Speaker
It's a huge indoctrination to our people and to us. ah When you look at that, we're indoctrinated into a ah terrible culture at times. so And I love the culture, but I can't see how disruptive it's been to my life and the other people around me. And I had to unlearn that indoctrination. had to go through therapy to learn how to process these stigmas that I carry with myself in order to rebuild myself and put pretty much like a plate of arm on and build myself back up.
00:28:50
Speaker
Because everything I learned was wrong yeah in a sense, in a general sense. how did So therapy, let's go there. um When did you start therapy and what were some of the things that you learned about yourself early on?
00:29:04
Speaker
So I started therapy, my job, ah word I worked for Comcast NBC for like 11 years. And they always offer tuition and reimbursement and healthcare. care And it's good healthcare, man. I'm talking about, I get 25 free therapy sessions. Wow. Never took advantage of it.
00:29:24
Speaker
Wow. Never. Because I had no reason to. I dealt with everything through just, I ignored it or I just tried to push through it. And ah i was in a bad relationship. And then one day I was just like, let me go to therapy just to try it out.
00:29:40
Speaker
And I went, my first therapist, her name was Rose. Yeah. And we start to break down the psychology of humans and how we respond to things and what is anxiety? What is depression?
00:29:51
Speaker
wow What is compulsion disorders where you're being compulsive over certain stuff or you're being impulsive over certain stuff? And so we break down these things to kind of figure out why I'm responding to my partner a certain way. And it it started just to be a better partner. Yeah.
00:30:09
Speaker
And i start to learn how to process my anxiety a certain way. And that pretty much just kept me there because it was giving me tools to fight against my mind in a sense.
00:30:22
Speaker
Yeah. Oh man. i'm I'm glad that that was the introduction. Like I think we all have our stories of of that entry point into therapy. Like mine was grief.
00:30:33
Speaker
Like I needed to process the loss of my grandmother and then Shortly thereafter, my grandfather and then actually the loss of my parents as well.
00:30:44
Speaker
And I had never done that. Never like in the over the years. Like we know so many people that we were in class with that are no longer here. Right. And like to hear those deaths every year, like so and so got killed, soand-s so and so this. And it's like, man, you just you build up this capacity of being like, OK, it's coming in. And then I got to just let that go because I can't hold all of that.
00:31:05
Speaker
but that grief is real and that and it's is heavy. And we didn't get taught skills of how to manage and process what is going on through our bodies.
00:31:16
Speaker
And and you you mentioned earlier about the loss of your mom.
Grieving and Shifting Life Perspectives
00:31:21
Speaker
how did how What did that loss signify for you? how you dealt with that?
00:31:31
Speaker
What I realized in that process is that we We're not prepared for death at all. And then to top that off, we're not prepared financially for what that funeral arrangement is going to look like. And so grieving your mother, which is your matriarch, is one of the hardest things to do.
00:31:48
Speaker
Didn't know that, didn't expect that, didn't see it happening. I thought, I don't have any children. ah you know i thought my mother was going to be next to me when I had children, got married, stuff like that. And so I don't even know how to grieve. I've never lost anybody significant enough to where I had to grieve something where it hurt me deeply.
00:32:05
Speaker
How old were you? I was 30 when that happened or 32. I think I was probably 32. um But I think it changed the way I looked at my timeline on this planet.
00:32:19
Speaker
and It made me look at myself in a... In a different way, where I had to understand its limits to how much i have to be here. I don't have the space to waste time on certain stuff because, as you can see, it can be taken away from you. And I took life for granted. i took my body for granted.
00:32:39
Speaker
And it just made me put everything into perspective that I need to capitalize on every day that I'm here. And I think that's where her death signified to me more than anything is that I don't have the time that I believe I had. man And so I had to learn how to grieve.
00:33:01
Speaker
which I did not do properly initially, I start to just, let me try to work more. Let me try to find a new tool. Let me try to hustle more. Let me, let me just grind it out, work out more. And I got, I got in pretty good shape at that time. I used all that energy to get me in shape.
00:33:19
Speaker
Physical shape. Physical shape, but it was detrimental to the body because I was ignoring the body. My mind is stronger than the body. Right. And so that's when the bilateral tears come into place with the Achilles.
00:33:32
Speaker
I'm running five miles a day. I'm lifting as much as I can. I'm taking creatine. I'm taking protein. I'm taking testosterone boost. I'm doing everything I can to get in perfect shape to fight against how I feel yeah instead of grieving. And I knew the tools that I needed to take.
00:33:47
Speaker
But when you're in a situation, it's hard to... use those tools, even if you built yourself up. It was just too much of a hit. So I had to slow down, get hurt, get injured, sit in the bed,
00:33:59
Speaker
and grieved that way, yeah which was worse, because now I'm grieving my Achilles, right? It's gone. My mother's gone. So it's like, everything's not working out for me. But prayer and meditation and having a a good foundation around me with my friends and my family helped me persevere through that encouragement.
00:34:20
Speaker
And I was able to get back healthy and and be able to understand my mother didn't transition and just leave me. She's still with me in some type of in spirit.
00:34:31
Speaker
And I truly believe that. ah you know So I don't feel alone. I learn to live with it. Do I miss her? Of course. But I've learned to process it and understand death is a natural part of life. Everybody will experience it.
00:34:44
Speaker
And my mother is no longer suffering and she's in a better place. And so I can sleep and live with that at night. So that that helps a lot. Yeah, man, I can tell that you have done tremendous work and it like kudos to you because it it shows and it's it is healing me hearing you talk about these things because I feel like but there there there are things that are different, but there are similarities. Like my grief is like when I hurt, it's like I'm a work.
00:35:11
Speaker
yeah I'm a buried in. I'm a know myself through the through the work and just become the workaholic and um to be like I mean, like same thing. like To sit down, like you got to sit down and kick your leg up in the air and like look around and think about things. For sure. like One of my first ever posts, vulnerable posts on on social media was a picture of my body.
00:35:36
Speaker
And it was like, yo, cut up. like but You were jacked up. I've seen that. Yeah. And it and and like it was like... It was vulnerable because like this was when I was in the quote unquote best shape of my life, but I was miserable and my my mind was going through hell and I was dealing with back spasms. I was dealing with bad knees. I was dealing with tension migraines. I was dealing with so much and I didn't realize it That I was neglecting myself. yeah The wholeness of me.
00:36:06
Speaker
And it took just understanding that I was human, that I had emotions that I had suppressed for so long. I had so much ah unaddressed trauma that I needed to work through and work on. And and that has been healing. I was telling the guys earlier, like...
00:36:25
Speaker
Just a couple days ago, i felt like when when when they show like like scans of the body and like where you feel emotions, like like we feel different things. And I'm good at feeling anger. Like I know I can feel my I feel anger in my fist. I feel anger in my my jaws and I feel anger in my chest.
00:36:43
Speaker
But like certain other emotions, like I've just been like disconnected from my body. And a couple days ago, I actually like felt sadness in my stomach. like I had a stomach ache from sadness. And I was like, I was crying because I was sad about what I was sad about. But also I was like happy because i'm like I'm feeling some shit. like I can feel I'm connecting to my body again.
00:37:05
Speaker
and um But like it just it takes it's a journey, man. And you've been on that journey. yeah You've been on that journey. Yeah, we we at times we learn to detach from those feelings so we can't move forward.
00:37:19
Speaker
It's not normal yeah to detach like that. more psychopathic or a sociopath because they detach from connection to feeling. And I was moving through life as as such. Did you ever have that thought that maybe I was a psychopath?
00:37:35
Speaker
not until realized what a psychopath was. yeah I never knew the definition or how somebody even became that, which is something that sometimes I don't think they build themselves into it. It's just they don't develop the...
00:37:48
Speaker
the feelings or the the sensory skills and the social cues to to be able to attach themselves to certain things so they just can kill without feeling anything or anything like that. But I had numb myself like that because of course you have to be tough where we come from. You can't show that type of weakness.
00:38:05
Speaker
So you detach from those emotions and you act. Yeah. I asked that because it was a period in my life where I really, like, I don't know how I learned about it, heard about probably a movie or something like that, but I was just like, bro, I think I'm a psychopath.
00:38:22
Speaker
Like, I think I'm a psychopath. because i Because I felt like I was faking if I did show him emotion. yeah Like, I can see a baby dying and, like, everybody crying. You didn't feel anything. Yeah. i'm not Feeling shit. But, like, I see people crying, so I'm to fake these tears. Right. But, like, I don't give a damn. Like, I don't i don't feel that. And so, like, it really it scared me for a really long time of just, like, I i didn't have what I now, like, somebody asked me what my greatest strength was earlier. And I was like, the empathy and the compassion that I had. Like, I don't know if I had that.
00:38:53
Speaker
And it was hard. it makes it You can feel as if you're weak because you're being empathetic or sympathetic towards people. yeah If you're empath, you feel everything. man right And so the world is not necessarily built for empathic people at times because you can get so caught up in what you feel, it can make you be weak or you act on something you shouldn't have acted on. And there's so much to feel with the stimulus that we get now. It's coming from every different angle. And you could be overwhelmed and consumed by those feelings. For sure. And that's something I've had to learn in therapy was just like...
Managing Empathy and Setting Boundaries
00:39:31
Speaker
knowing when something was my issue to deal with and when it was somebody else's and giving them the agency and autonomy to deal with that themselves. Like I can sit down with people, hear the hardest of hard stories now and and go to sleep that night. right In the past, like there's periods where that empathy was just high and it's just like, I got i gotta to fix it. I got to help them. I got to do it. And it's consuming me. And like, I think...
00:39:56
Speaker
theres there's a fine line between like caring for humanity, but also knowing that like, that ain't yours. It's not yours. It's not yours to care. You can't pick every homeless guy up on the street and expect them to have good intentions. Right. okay So you have to have discernment you have to have critical thinking skills to make sure you process it the correct way. Yeah. And huge boundaries and huge boundaries.
00:40:19
Speaker
um I want to, I want to like thinking about
Reforming the Educational System
00:40:22
Speaker
the education piece. I just want to come back to that. Like, What needs to be changed about the system? What have you seen change? And like, like, how do we make that better so that more people don't get into this pipeline so that more people aren't labeled and disadvantaged in the way that you went through? it So it's really the household. It starts at home, I feel like.
00:40:43
Speaker
um You should know your child's strengths and weaknesses. I feel like my parents didn't. I'm coming from a single-parent household. There's not a lot of attention being paid to how I learn, my learning style, why I'm even aggressive in nature.
00:40:59
Speaker
Do I have attention deficit disorder? Get a second opinion. Don't take the child psychologist's opinion that's getting paid to help the funding, right?
00:41:11
Speaker
And i so I think if we pay more attention and we build a better community at home and pay more attention to the education system and how it works and educate ourself on that, we can avoid some of these situations because your child can be diagnosed with autism.
00:41:27
Speaker
And it might not even be on the spectrum a certain way. Attention deficit disorder. It's a number of different things where these children develop and have normal lives and they've been diagnosed with autism or some type of label of learning disability.
00:41:42
Speaker
So it's just educating yourself and making sure you understand what these school systems do when they label your child and what's that going to do for them in their adult life.
00:41:52
Speaker
Because if you don't have the proper... therapy or help, you're going to carry that with you for the rest of your life and think that you're abnormal versus everybody else. And I did that until I got in therapy and I had to unlearn that that's just something that I went through as a child. I'm a grown man now and it does not follow me in this adult life.
00:42:14
Speaker
That's beautiful I love hearing unlearned Because so much of the way We are educated Conditioned And brought up yeah Is unhealthy Right It's detrimental to us It's not good for our Our overall well-being And we have to unlearn traditions Old traditions Old jewish patterns Old habits To live in our our highest form Like can be the the best place Person that we can be inside and out and so like i applaud you for for the unlearning I applaud you for all the things that you are now learning about yourself about the world and i want to ask a couple of fill-in-the-blank questions. Go ahead. Go ahead, man ah You fill in the blank and whatever comes to mind. You just let me know but I need help with blank I need help with Communication
00:43:13
Speaker
Expand on that. um
00:43:17
Speaker
ive getting ah I've reached a point to where I'm not communicating effectively, you know, like I should be um to my family about things that's probably taking place or how i feel about stuff. I just let it fall to the wayside. and I'm like, I gotta focus on this right now.
00:43:34
Speaker
So I need to do a better job at communicating with my family about how feel about stuff. Even my friends, they might be doing something i don't agree with. I don't communicate it. just say, this this is life. And I want to get to a point to where I can uplift people and my friends and my family.
00:43:49
Speaker
And have to learn how to communicate what I'm seeing and what I'm feeling in a healthy way instead of just bashing them or saying, you're doing something stupid right stupid. yeah yeah yeah That's how I learned how to correct my friends instead of sitting them down and having to a good, healthy conversation.
00:44:06
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I think grace and compassion go a long way in that regard. i think that it's hard for us. We were talking about this earlier, just me and the crew about, um,
00:44:22
Speaker
sitting in those uncomfortable conversations. we Don't get taught that. yeah don't get taught that. And so you voicing that, I think, will help. It'll bring awareness. it's it's ah It's already in your awareness, but continued awareness.
00:44:35
Speaker
And then maybe somebody listening to this will hold you accountable, challenge you to keep that there. So I like that, though. That really good. It was unique. um Fill in the blank with this. My superpower is Empathy. Empathy.
00:44:51
Speaker
Yeah. My dog. Yeah. I feel like, um, I can put myself in people's shoes and I can truly feel what you feel. Um, It is something that I did not like.
00:45:03
Speaker
ah felt like it made me weak for a long time. ah But now I see it as a way to connect with people on a different level and relate to more people, not just my friends, but can sit down and talk to you, know the team, anyone, and I can relate to what they're saying in some type way, and maybe not directly, but I've learned how to see it from their perspective. Yeah, that's beautiful, man. That's beautiful.
00:45:29
Speaker
Oh, man, we got some we got more catching up to do. Oh, I so going back fill in the blank. um If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be blank.
00:45:42
Speaker
Never give up Never give up on what you believe. I knew they were wrong. I still believe they were wrong. And I kept that in the back of my mind. I would just remind myself, you are great.
00:45:56
Speaker
And regardless of your situation, this is just what you were born into. then man It doesn't mean this is what the end of the story is going to be for you. Man, that's beautiful, bro. I love that. And then lastly, when I'm seeking inspiration, i turn to blank. God.
00:46:13
Speaker
That's easy, bro. I think it's like, that's like three for three. I don't know. like That's the easy one. yeah God is the foundation. um When I had nothing, I kept praying.
00:46:25
Speaker
When everything was falling apart, i kept praying. um When I didn't know how i was going to eat or how I was going to take care of myself or if I lost a job or something, i just kept praying.
00:46:36
Speaker
Even when I was mad at God, when I thought God had dealt me a bad hand, I still kept my faith in God. That's my source. Yeah, bro.
Inspiring Change Through Personal Story
00:46:45
Speaker
Man, dude, I am so glad that we got to connect and we're going to continue to connect. Yes, sir. I love the journey that you're on. I love the the human you've become.
00:46:55
Speaker
And I cannot wait to see where life takes you. Yes, sir. want to be part of that journey. I want to witness it, man. but Is there anything left on your heart that you feel like getting off that you want to share with the world? Anything, any last words? No, man. I just wanted to come here and share my story with you, man. Catch up with you. i told you I had something interesting to tell you.
00:47:15
Speaker
The next time I got i got more stories. Let's go. It's just something I want to highlight um in and in hopes that someone sees it. And maybe their child's going the same thing. Maybe somebody from our community shared the same experience I shared. And I just want to speak to it. And and hopefully, you know, if the right people are listening, um we can change that. We can do something about it. And, you know, I'm an advocate for it. If I can speak to children and tell them, hey, you know, i went through this and I persevered through it, you can too.
00:47:45
Speaker
I love it, man. And there there are people who will want to hear that and want to put that message in front of their kids, in front of their there's staff, in front of a lot of people. So I'm going to make sure that folks can find you. So how how can they find you? How can they reach out to you?
00:47:59
Speaker
um My Instagram is trail underscore Dior. That's my Instagram or on Facebook is just Martrell Williams. and You can find me on there. Bet that, man. Montrell, with all the things that you could be doing, all the places you could be, I appreciate you being here with me and Brick vulnerability. Yes, sir.
00:48:16
Speaker
Thank you, brother. man Thank you for joining us in another episode of Vulnerability Muscle. If you've enjoyed these conversations around vulnerability, please consider leaving a review.
00:48:27
Speaker
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00:48:43
Speaker
And don't forget to spread the word. You can follow us at vulnerabilitymuscle on Instagram and me personally at Reggie D. Ford across all platforms. Visit vulnerabilitymuscle.com for additional resources and support.
00:48:56
Speaker
And remember, embracing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. It is the source of your greatest strength. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but most workouts are. So keep flexing that vulnerability mark.