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From People Pleaser to Authentic Self: A Transformation
158 Plays6 months ago
In this compelling episode of The Integrated Man Project titled "From People Pleaser to Authentic Self: A Transformation," host Travis Goodman is joined by Cowan Austrie, Personal Trainer at The Studio Montreal, who delves into his personal journey of self-improvement through vulnerability and emotional honesty. Here are three key points from their discussion:
1. **Changing Behavioral Patterns**: Cowan shares his experience with restructuring his behavioral patterns as he fights to overcome PTSD and past trauma. By adopting new behaviors like setting healthy boundaries and being open to showing vulnerability, Cowan highlights the struggles and rewards of rewiring his brain for healthier emotional interactions.
2. **Embracing Vulnerability and Its Impact**: The conversation deepens into the significance of being vulnerable as a means of breaking down barriers in personal and professional relationships. Cowan discusses how embracing vulnerability has not only helped reduce his own emotional burdens but has also encouraged more authentic connections with those around him.
3. **Shifts in Coping Mechanisms**: Cowan details his awareness around certain coping mechanisms that were not holistically healthy or effective to adopting healthier practices such as meditation and breathing techniques. This transition has played a crucial role in his daily routine, helping him manage emotions more effectively and bringing about a significant positive impact on his overall mental health.
Throughout the episode, Travis explores these themes with Cowan, offering insights and advice for anyone looking to improve their well-being through a more integrated approach to mental health.
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Transcript
Launch of Men's Group Coaching Program
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's episode of the Integrated Man Project podcast. Before we get to the show, just a quick announcement about some upcoming new offerings I'll be having. Under the Integrated Man Project wing, I'm gonna be launching my first men's group coaching program. Those, if you're new to the show, I practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist. I've been practicing for about 10 years.
00:00:22
Speaker
in California and I'm going to be stepping into the coaching world and having my first men's group coaching program here launching. If you are interested in getting involved with that, go ahead and email me at integrated man project at gmail.com. Again, integrated man project at gmail.com for more information.
00:00:41
Speaker
I could send you a quick questionnaire asking a few more clarifying questions. We could set up a quick voice and or video chat to clarify any questions you might have. And this initial offering will be for men to work through a six-week program designed at reducing stress more effectively.
00:01:01
Speaker
teaching some practical skills and tools to effectively navigate stress. So again, if you're interested, email me at integratedmanproject at gmail.com. And without further ado, let's jump into the show.
Introduction of Guest: Cohen Ostrich
00:01:19
Speaker
Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the podcast. I'm welcoming my new friend Cohen onto the show and very excited to have him on and talk about this. Um, it's something that I hear time and time again in my clinical practice, um, actually quite often. And so he, he shared with me that he wanted to talk about this and I was like, absolutely. Yes. 100%. And I think also from.
00:01:42
Speaker
We tend not to think about this, whether that's a good thing, a bad thing, a healthy thing, unhealthy thing, but I typically, we tend to not think men do this, but the reality is we all can do this, men and women. And the topic of today, I want to give a quick little intro to it and then have Cullen introduce himself and we'll get jumping right in.
00:01:59
Speaker
But the topic today is people pleasing, right? It's a very common thing to do. It's not that uncommon. But I think we tend to associate, generally speaking, that women tend to do that more than men. But I think the reality is we're going to often find that it might be equal for various reasons, that it's not just women do this and men do something else, but actually people pleasing.
00:02:20
Speaker
serves a purpose. There's a part of that that is a survival mechanism. There's a part of that of trying to maintain homeostasis, to try and navigate our world. And there's a positive side to that, as well as some downsides. And so we're going to kind of just talk about that today. But before we jump into the full conversation, how you doing today, Cole?
00:02:39
Speaker
I'm good, Charis. Thanks for having me. And yes, really happy to talk about that subject with you. I know you're going to hold space in a great way and love the work you're doing. So yeah, Cohen Ostrich from Montreal.
00:02:54
Speaker
personal trainer, health coach. So through movement, I take care of people. I want them to pursue their dreams in terms of longevity, being around as long as possible. So we use movement to take care of them. That's the way I hold space for people. In that environment, the conversation is a lot about movement, but the mind and the body plays a big role.
00:03:21
Speaker
And the fact that I'm on that podcast today was I've been a lot on the not like in my practice Movement movement get strong and the conversation shifted a lot in the last year and a half the two years about mind Connecting with my mind connecting with myself and having that conversation with clients as well where there's more than just like the body our vessel there's really us as humans
Childhood Influences on People Pleasing
00:03:46
Speaker
and I
00:03:46
Speaker
uh, making sure that everyone that comes into my space, I want to know what they're going through in not necessarily a deeper level, but just more like, Hey, I see you. How do you feel today? Some questions of like how you slept and stuff like that. But I've been digging deeper in that and the work has to start with me. So that's where, uh, in the last year and a half in two years, I've been doing a lot of the work.
00:04:12
Speaker
And that led me to understand that I was navigating life through more like people pleasing. It's recently kind of digging back into my childhood and asking questions around like my parents, my mom, especially asking questions there.
00:04:29
Speaker
My spouse friends and starting to kind of map out and paint the picture of like where it started it really and I think for anyone it starts like when we see a pattern that doesn't necessarily serve us or sometimes like you said could be a good trait but a downside as well brought me to understand that I
00:04:48
Speaker
OK, at a young age, having a father, that left us when I was five. First of all, already there, kind of losing that father figure, put me in a position of not understanding why. And is it me, the problem? Is it who I think you're too young to understand that? Kind of asking more question around how was the dynamic at home. He was a pretty toxic man, more towards me than my sister in a way that I had to
00:05:17
Speaker
almost like walk on eggshells and always be that that little perfect boy to make sure I wasn't on his bad side. So and doing the homework, I realized that people please their usually our parents, please it, like they want to make sure that they're good in the eyes of their parents. And I think that triggered more on my side in terms of how I wanted to make sure my dad saw me.
00:05:41
Speaker
at a young age and when the separation happened, it's not like if there was necessarily a healthy separation there. So you're left out of like, I guess I didn't please enough. And after this, if I keep going in terms of
00:05:57
Speaker
how I see, how I continue that people pleasing aspect. My parents, so my mom with a new partner in her life, great family, loving family. Everyone has their own trauma. So as two humans like reconnecting with different children and trying to make
00:06:16
Speaker
a new couple there, they come with their own traumas and some fights can come in into the house, some arguments and stuff like that. And I would find myself in the middle of that, of trying to keep the house in a happy state. She would say, like, you would block your ears or try to always find the good side of everyone and bring back everyone together when you're not at an age to understand that. Yeah. And what do you think the purpose of was that? What do you think, looking back now,
00:06:43
Speaker
I think any children is looking for peace. So in a house where you're not necessarily seeing peace. And again, I think it was an amazing thing that my mom was able to get out of that toxic relationship and build her life again. But then she has to come out of that and kind of rebuild with another man that comes with his own baggage.
00:07:04
Speaker
And then there's still going to be fights, but for a five to six, seven-year-old that doesn't understand that just sees, oh, there's other fights with another man. So for me, it was like, I'm just seeking for peace how I can do this. I remember if I was behaving while suppressing my own emotion, not putting emotions on anyone else and trying to reconcile everyone, I would see a certain light at the end of the tunnel of like, there's going to be peace in the next maybe 30 minutes or hour in the house.
00:07:30
Speaker
So that's where I think others can maybe relate as having peace. And how can I do this was pleasing, making sure it was... What would peace bring you? If I had peace, then what? Then if I had peace, I would be able to either be the child I wanted to be in the house.
00:07:49
Speaker
playful i guess just joy and just appreciating i guess the parents in front of you if i see it right now me having two boys you can see how they're always looking up are we interacting are we joyful are we
00:08:05
Speaker
Really there with them. They want us. It's like they're just need a validation from the parents So I guess I'm looking for hey, are you guys good? Like can we just have peace and joy in that house right now? Yeah, but as a kid is it's probably difficult to process and you're just trying things. That's where from my dad to my stepdad that I could see how I was looking for maybe more of a
00:08:29
Speaker
role model in a man like my relationship with men started where okay i was cuz my mom was more my refuge but at the end of the day you're still a young boy that's looking for a figure so father figure and that's where i stepped that could do a great job but also.
00:08:48
Speaker
In his regards, he's probably on the line of like, it's not my children's. How do I get in into the parenting part? Do I involve myself that much or not? Like, so I'm not necessarily blaming anyone. It's just how the dynamic was and how I responded. And it led me to look for that. Okay.
Impact of People Pleasing on Relationships
00:09:08
Speaker
Hockey coaches, me being in the hockey world, every time I'm changing teams, looking up to the coach, making sure I'm moving a certain way.
00:09:16
Speaker
in this space with the team with the coach when i'm interacting so that they like me if i had something to say maybe it's better for me not to say it not to share the emotion being yes coach so even in that space of coaching haki was even pleasing them to be accepted to like me so i may not say or do something right because i don't want to create tension
00:09:41
Speaker
Okay, that's it. Because at the end of the day, I think, and it's not necessarily a conversation 1015 years ago that men had of like, I'm here, I see you, I hear you, you're allowed to express your emotions and, and kind of, I'll be there to support and we'll, we'll go back and forth. So there's like,
00:10:00
Speaker
that side of me growing up of people pleasing and not necessarily after having been in that era understanding maybe the pattern and helping me in that is more like, no, actually, yes, you got to stay in your lane. Don't say a word. And if your behavior matches what I'm looking for, then you're accepted. Yeah.
00:10:19
Speaker
And it's something that's right now pretty much, I think changing the conversations is really changing. Is it changing in the sport that I used to play? Maybe not, but if people my age right now or whoever is going through this process.
00:10:35
Speaker
is teaching young boys now. I think it's a great thing. But that's how I feel that I've been navigating since I'm five, of making sure there's no chaos, there's no arguments, there's always peace. But I have to suppress something to do that. And it's usually my emotions, the way I'm actually feeling.
00:10:54
Speaker
And I think it's important, I think, that when we look at this, and one, thank you for sharing what you have so far, is that people pleasing, there's a benefit to that, there's a pro, it's doing something. And there's also what we call a positive consequence, right? So that would be peace, that would be acceptance, that might be less chaos, that might be people like me, quote unquote,
00:11:22
Speaker
you know, or my home is quiet, or I can be a kid, I don't have to worry. All right, so there's doing something, that's the pro now that, or the consequence that maybe isn't so effective would be one of the things you said is I have to not really speak with mine or suppress or bury certain things. So what are some of the other things that maybe you experienced from that kind of suppression that people pleasing the darker side of it that if I have to suppress, what has it led to for you and or in relationships or in your workplace, etc.
Emotional Openness and Alcohol Use
00:11:49
Speaker
Totally. So for sure, as I'm looking at the last years, being able to more analyze how it's navigating example in a relationship, if you're someone who comes in the house and not necessarily sharing your emotion because you're in that people pleasing aspect.
00:12:07
Speaker
There's a spouse on the other side that's expecting vulnerability and expecting you to share really your emotions to grow together so that they can understand you and kind of put their input or help you in a situation. But if I'm always on the, hey, I'm good, I'm good, yes, but like I want the other people to elaborate on their emotions, but me, it's always about, no, I'm good. I just want to make sure the rest is good and then I'll be good.
00:12:33
Speaker
but then at one point you can accumulate those suppressed emotions and it comes out and the partner doesn't understand why. Sometimes it never comes out but you're starting to feel a certain way that either you need to cope with something else or you're just in your head constantly trying to just rationalize any emotion
00:12:56
Speaker
or anything you're doing and it's not helping the partner. It's not helping the friendship. It's not helping either you how I would interact with my family in terms of I could be a quiet one in a space and sometimes it's not sometimes I'll tell you it's a great thing to be quiet in a space because you're just analyzing and speaking when it's worth it or speaking wise words but sometimes it's more like I rather not share or put more input
00:13:24
Speaker
in a situation that might change the environment. Even if I wanted to share my side of this and it's almost I need to accept that it can't always be perfect and happy. I'm allowed on my own time to have a moment of sadness or a moment of anger and share that and someone else can hold space for me for that.
Meditation as an Emotional Management Tool
00:13:46
Speaker
It's almost I'm like, it's not your place to do that, but I'm doing it for others.
00:13:52
Speaker
So eventually it's not serving me. It's not serving the people around me. Yeah. Because then just a vicious cycle. So that's where I think tapping into vulnerability was another conversation with myself.
00:14:05
Speaker
And can you tell us a bit more about that shift because it sounds like more of a recent shift of I need to kind of examine this to do some internal work. Like was it an awareness thing? Was it a light bulb moment? Like what was the thing that kind of said, hey, I need to look into this. Can you speak on that? Yeah, definitely. Again, the work environment that I am, so the colleagues I work for
00:14:28
Speaker
with, there are a lot in that conversation. The person I work for in terms of how the private studio we have is someone who brings a lot of awareness around that. And that's the type of work a lot of us have been working on.
00:14:43
Speaker
example, hey, it started with a book, and let's start tapping into these conversations. Because, example, I could be books I was reading about how to improve my business, the way I train people, stuff like that. But really, okay, how can Cohen understand himself deeper? And it's conversation at work that we started having. And it led me to that in that last year, and
00:15:09
Speaker
where I got really vulnerable with myself for going deeper. And I think there's a correlation that I recently understood is I stopped drinking a year ago, and drinking wasn't necessarily an issue. But I've recently realized how I was way more open when I was numbing with alcohol.
00:15:29
Speaker
some nights, myself in terms of, hey, I'm feeling like I can share because now I'm not overthinking and, and keeping it to myself. And when I stopped doing that on example, a glass of wine or two or three on a Friday night, and then feeling like I can share more, I was back to I was really myself. I'm like, okay,
00:15:48
Speaker
so now i'm i'm feeling this i'm about to share something i don't have this either tool to help me like i'll call to help me share but it's there i need to i need to work on that that big year was like these moments are telling me right now that i was using something else to maybe share and not even at an excess like.
00:16:09
Speaker
I wasn't someone who needed to stop because I was excessive with it. I just understood that I felt like I was sharing more when I was out with friends or drinking or stuff like that. Then now I'm really like clean going needs to share without anything else.
00:16:24
Speaker
Yeah. And so can you speak more about that? Like using, in this case, alcohol to help talk. So what, a little more detail about what it helped kind of slow down for you or quiet down or give you courage. Cause I think that's an important piece too, that again, it was doing something at the time. So can you tell us a bit more?
00:16:41
Speaker
Definitely. And I think where I'm going with that, it's also, there's not even a, it could be a drink or it could be 10. I think it's the question more of, oh, I have something that calms me down and not makes me overthink. So now I can share. And that was alcohol bringing that. And for me, I was like, I need to find something that's in that a healthier way. So meditation.
00:17:06
Speaker
breathing techniques taking a moment for myself to kind of regulate my emotions and then giving me that push to share without having the alcohol that other people can use drugs alcohol food maybe or whatever that they think.
00:17:24
Speaker
that will just kind of numb something or a certain emotion and then help them kind of share more. You can't do that through life. Like you got to figure out a way to really share within without any other coping mechanism. And I wanted a healthy coping mechanism for me meditating for a year and a half every morning, not missing a morning, making sure that
00:17:49
Speaker
i'm really kind of taking a moment for myself and made a huge difference and that's where in the last year i was like doing it i decided to take the alcohol out in terms of help reasons of k i know that i'll colonize more with research poison and i'm in the industry i wanna
00:18:08
Speaker
Show an example there i want to be sharp on the weekends with my kids but then i was like and i was sharing more on friday nights and saturday nights when i had a glass of wine or two or three with my wife i don't have it now and i'm sharing less so there's something there that i have to tap into that's where i was like i think i was using that as well to kind of help me be a the real koan but can i find that real koan without it yeah.
00:18:33
Speaker
And two things. One, you said it quiet. What did it quiet down for you? I think it's an important thing to verbalize for those listening. And for me, I'm curious, what did it quiet down for you as you would when you would take a drink or two?
00:18:45
Speaker
But a bit of the concept of if I'm sharing my emotions, I'm putting on an energy on someone that is not necessarily, should not deserve that. It's a weird way of thinking because that person in front of me is someone I love and cherish. And they're usually the same. They love me as well. And they're ready to hold space for me. They're ready to listen. But I feel like it would be a burden to put something on them.
00:19:11
Speaker
so it's going to expect that belief of a burden to kind of help that in some sort yeah and then if usually alcohol you're like more in a relaxed vibe i would say or not thinking oh you're not it's not going to affect that person right now because i'm not really thinking clearly
00:19:29
Speaker
Now you're sharing more. Yeah. So, uh, it's like almost like that person in the bar that's ready to talk to someone because they're just under the influence of alcohol. They're like having more guts or ready to submit that feeling that I was like, okay, I don't have it anymore. I am about to share something, but it feels like there's something missing for me to share, but there shouldn't be missing something. There should be me, myself ready to share. And that person is there.
00:19:55
Speaker
We'll listen. Even if it's sad or anger, together we should be able to grow and work on that. But for me, it's always like, no, I'm there for you though, but I don't want to put anything on you. Sure. Is that the pleasing piece? Like I'm here for you, but I'm not really going to share, open myself up to that because that's that burden piece. Is that kind of the connection? Exactly.
00:20:20
Speaker
And you said something else that, you know, I want to go back to that, you know, for the past year and a half, you've been meditating daily. Yeah. That's a journey, right? Year and a half. Can you speak more about that journey and what that's brought? Because I think just hearing that every day, you've put work into it, you know, it's not like, Hey, I did a week of it and, or two weeks of it. And here I am, but I've been doing it for a year and a half every single day. And how is that one, what's it been like for you? And two, how has it helped with like that awareness and people pleasing aspect?
00:20:48
Speaker
For me and it was really important because it's funny how in my industry it's something and slowly people are connecting like training and meditation and ice bath and stuff like that and expect that either the trainer or the trainee like to do it.
00:21:04
Speaker
I was like you said some weeks doing it some weeks not and I really committed and for me was waking up in the morning doing my training and then in our facility we have a sauna jumping into the sauna infrared sauna and Meditating and taking a moment for myself to regulate my my emotions Connect with my breathing and really kind of feel myself not being in that rat race that's other stuff that I
00:21:30
Speaker
Working on of like being perfectionist always more more more and kind of also numbing any thoughts by being always busy it was a moment for myself really that I've never had of like five ten minutes of there's yes, maybe sounds from the meditation or guided by someone but I
00:21:48
Speaker
going deeper and really understanding a feeling that i had either yesterday or in the moment and how can i shift that. And as it's like a muscle as you start meditating more it's a practice that you're able to just bring into your life during the day.
00:22:05
Speaker
So, example that it's a situation that could bring me anger or sadness and finding a way just to tune in and with breathing, regulate my emotions and then approach the situation as a game changer. It's almost like I found that new tool and a healthy one.
00:22:25
Speaker
And you've been but he needed practice a lot of practice. That's it. Because my mind is always racing. So when I was just meditating, like you said, for a week, and then you stop, you're like, oh, it's almost worthless in your head. You're like, I'm not able to concentrate. And they, when someone guides you, it almost tells you like you might today just think about
00:22:42
Speaker
Whatever what your kids have to do this weekend and you're not able to connect but through time eventually You'll find a way to get deeper and really connect with yourself and use that tool for any other Situation in your day and for those listening, I'm curious, you know, this is gonna be different for everybody but how long you think it took to kind of get past that initial hurdle of like starting to notice the positive impact of taking that time out every day to meditate and then be mindful of
00:23:11
Speaker
It's a great question and it's tough that I would compare it to like training in terms of, okay, three, six months in, you're starting to really change your body and with someone who never did it, example, to USC, a huge change. I think that three months, Mark, of like, or there's saying of like 21 days, you change a habit, 49, you're changing a lifestyle type of thing.
00:23:34
Speaker
It's not wrong to say that like a three months you're really starting to see it's like almost breathing It's something I needed it's almost if I had I was looking at the clock and I was about to Go over the time where I had to hit the sauna because I had to take the shower dead and then see clients I needed it. I was like, no, I need to I'll find a way to meditate so yeah, it's really being able to go past the it's
00:23:59
Speaker
I think I have to do it's more it needs to be part of so pinpointing how long I think just being patient and trusting the process was what I gave myself have the homework I was like I'm gonna try this and really like I would put an alarm and I'm like I gotta do this until it feels natural for me and that I need.
00:24:19
Speaker
Well, I think for sharing that, but I think it brings more realistic lens on what we're trying to implement something new, like a new skill or new practice that it does take. It's like that muscle is that repeated practice, um, cause awkward at first. It's like, am I doing it right? Is this how it's supposed to be? And then you get in your head and especially if you're already in your head.
00:24:35
Speaker
You get more in your head, right? Like, well, you know, what's happening? And so I just couldn't hear just the more realistic timeframe. And I know it's a little bit different for everybody, but I think that the key I'm hearing is be consistent. And that's what I say in my clinical practice to working with people is it's about consistency. It's over time. We're changing behavioral patterns and we're changing sometimes rewiring how the brain and what the brain is connected to. So you got to practice something new.
00:25:01
Speaker
In a way, you could even akin people pleasing as a type of practice. If you go back to that, like you've practiced people pleasing. You've practiced early on and partly prior was survival of like trying to navigate your life. I just would make sure everyone was okay or.
00:25:16
Speaker
saying yes everybody to be liked and so that's a form of mental practice even behavioral practice and then to change that behavior takes repeated practice into something new where I'm showing up and I'm not people pleasing but I'm listening to others and also listening to myself and working on expressing which is another practice that feels I'm sure the first few times you did it I'm curious what it was like for you to finally like show up and not just please the person in front of you but just to be Cohen authentic and share
Expressing Authenticity and Vulnerability
00:25:45
Speaker
What am I actually, what are my needs right now? What am I, what's my experience? What are, what am I feeling right now? And how do I verbalize that and give that to someone knowing I'm not a burden? So I'm guessing that I, in fact, I am curious. What was it like to get the first few times of not people pleasing, but showing up? Was that easy and I'm ready to go? Or was it kind of some hesitation there? Did it feel kind of awkward at first?
00:26:06
Speaker
Yeah, and it's a great question because the awkward part is that little voice in your head that you're still fighting and is just telling you, no, don't share this. You don't have to share this. It's going to create a certain tension. You'll have to address this. You might take 30 minutes. But where I had to just fight this is actually almost not listen to the voice and right away share it.
00:26:29
Speaker
example for me the easiest way right now and i'm still in that process honestly like today i'm talking and i'm not an expert it's really sharing my journey and sharing how i'm going through this it's i think easier with someone you really trust to start doing that like setting healthy boundaries so either it's like
00:26:48
Speaker
My co-workers my wife my parents right on terms of being ready to just right away share something that usually I would keep to myself and not necessarily listening to that that little voice avoiding just kind of interacting with my little voice and just ready to just kind of interact just see how it looks like to give a boundary and I'm using that word more like
00:27:11
Speaker
Hey, right now I would rather do this or I need 30 minutes to read and kind of take a moment for myself to come back and be more present. Sometimes you're the old Cohen would have been, you know, I got this. No worries. I'll do it. And for me, it's using the people around me that I know that are there for me to help me start opening up a bit more. And I think as a process, as I trust that process and I get better,
00:27:38
Speaker
That's where it could kind of start blending in with more like strangers or just people I encounter with because the people pleasing part when you don't know someone also sometimes I feel it's a bit higher. It's almost like you just want to always seem like the happy person, the good person.
00:27:55
Speaker
the perfect person. So to a stranger is almost slightly going into the, I want to be validated by the other. So the practice comes up. If I come home now, instead of just saying, yes, I had a good day, I'm going to share a bit more my day. And it's stupid. It's like this. I used to just, I'm good. Oh, I had a good day because that's that I don't want to be a bird. No, I don't want to.
00:28:19
Speaker
No, that's it. I don't want to elaborate where it might shift the energy of the other person, but she just wants to know how my day was with a bit more detail. Oh, I helped someone today doing this, and it really made me feel good. I had a certain situation with someone. I didn't like it. What's your thought? Should I approach it like this? I wasn't like that, and I'm still working on that.
00:28:46
Speaker
But I want to open up. And I like what you said is also choosing the right person or persons to do this with. And knowing too that people are perfect because sometimes we might share something even with maybe our spouse who typically is there but they may have a rough day and it might not go well. But it doesn't mean that I'm still a burden, right? That they had a moment that I tried to be vulnerable and share and they couldn't receive it. It doesn't speak to me necessarily. But that small voice might say that though. See? Told you look Cohen. See?
00:29:13
Speaker
You're a burden because look what you did to your wife. Look what you did to your parents because that's also with the lie. They can come in because it's so subtle, right? That voice is so subtle but so believable when that voice comes in and I like how you call that the small voice because it just kind of comes in. It's like, hey, shouldn't share that, right? It's it's very.
00:29:28
Speaker
And we have experiences, too, in the past that probably didn't go so well. And remember that time, remember that time, Colin, when you did that with your dad or your stepdad or that coach? Remember how that went? So it's very good at reminding us, too, of those moments when it didn't go so well as ammunition, so to speak, to keep us from changing.
00:29:49
Speaker
And I'm wondering now that you've been practicing this, and I love that you're still practicing this and noticing the voice and challenging it and pushing up against it. What are some positives you've seen in your relationship? For example, even like with your wife or someone else, a parent, when you've been able to kind of be more open, not get stuck in the burden and say, Hey, I'm just going to share this and be more vulnerable for lack of a better word.
00:30:13
Speaker
What I've seen is that I've also had a character trait that I think I should figure everything out and that by sharing more, now other people are able to help me figure things out and be like, hey, right now you're at 30% of your capacity.
00:30:28
Speaker
I'll jump in at 70% and we meet each other and I'll help. It could be my wife. It could be the co-workers. It's going to be a good friend of like, hey, it's something that you've never shared and I'm ready to help. And for me, it's almost like a weight out of my shoulders. Like I don't have to figure this out or that situation. You can actually be there also with me. Like I didn't expect that response because I thought it would have been a burden or no, it's not my place to do it or however that little voice kind of communicated it.
00:30:58
Speaker
But for me, it's like refreshing where I'm like, oh, it's not that hard. And I'm actually seeing really nice support there. And that's something that I should have known because I do the support on the other side, but I didn't think I could get that support for myself.
00:31:14
Speaker
Well, because the fear was, the lie was that it'd be a burden, so if I'm a burden, that's not being supported, right? That was the old lie. Yeah, that makes sense. But you're seeing actually, on the contrary, no, I'm not a burden. I'm being supported and aided and it's a team and maybe even relieved a bit. Like if I'm at 30 and my wife's at 70, like that, she could carry a lot right now and vice versa. Sometimes I'm 70, she's 30, but it's like before, if I was like, I'm not sure anything, I'm kind of like,
00:31:39
Speaker
alone in the 20-30% trying to just figure it all out, right? Which is, I'm guessing, even more exhausting. Yeah, it is more exhausting. And then, like, coming back to earlier in our conversation, then it doesn't help if eventually you're, like, getting everything out because you were suppressing it for three months of, like, I was on a 30% for the last two months because of my stress at work, but then the spouse is, like, we never shared that. So how am I supposed to help? And how would that leak out in the past? How would that leak out in the past for you?
00:32:06
Speaker
Like, cause I feel like those things tend to like leak and seep when we don't in the past, whether it be more anger, more irritable, more isolation. Yeah, it could be a, uh, yeah, it could be a moment. And I'm, I'm someone is pretty passive, but in terms of, it could be a moment of like, you're just like anger and trigger and you're just like louder on a moment. But it's like for the other person, like you're always super calm and everything's good. It's like a shock to them, right? Three months later. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.
00:32:33
Speaker
Yeah, because there wasn't a build up or a painted picture of like right now in the next two weeks, I might be a bit more under stress, fatigue, I need your support. Don't take things personally. If I say something, I'm really working hard to manage the emotions. And then the other partners like more, Oh, thank you. And I'll be aware and I'll be there to check you and be there with you the support.
00:32:57
Speaker
So the element of surprise of anger or sadness or whatever doesn't help a lot because you're not necessarily prepping your surroundings. And I'm wondering, how would you encourage, you know, yourself now looking back? How would, what encouragement could you have given yourself back then about this whole people pleasing versus being vulnerable and sharing? What's something you would say if you can do that and go back?
00:33:19
Speaker
that you'll be surprised how much people are ready to help, especially your loved ones. And it's still something that where I'm trying to do it, like it's funny as a question, because when I'm looking at my two-year-old and my four-year-old, my boys right now, it's something that I'm really working hard in terms of showing how daddy is vulnerable and daddy is communicating his emotions. And daddy wants everyone to be seen and heard. And it's important that they see that. So if I would see myself just like,
00:33:49
Speaker
two three years ago and i had to talk to that person would just really be like don't be afraid of being vulnerable with especially your loved ones because they're there to support you and just really make the first steps of sharing and you'll be surprised it's sometimes it could be a good advice but
00:34:10
Speaker
was i ready or would have been ready to hear that even three four five years ago i still took a process because it's ingrained in me in terms of pleasing people but i think what helps either right now to whoever is listening is that it's a conversation that's more common and it's not something that i mentioned shy out from and
00:34:33
Speaker
redefining the narrative about how a man should be carrying himself in a household. Does it make you less of a man sharing? No, I think you're more powerful if you're sharing. If you're more vulnerable, closer to your emotions, able to communicate, you're a stronger man. And that was something that I never thought really before. The conversation was more about man up, don't share. They don't need to know this. You're a provider, you're supposed to
00:34:59
Speaker
And I would call that for a more disintegrated disconnected where this is about integration being integrated with my mind and my body and my relationships like my interpersonal relationships as well as with myself and when I am able to do that I am more effective I am more powerful I'm a better
Integration of Mental and Physical Health
00:35:18
Speaker
man I'm.
00:35:18
Speaker
a better dad, husband, coach because I am connected and there's not this disintegration between parts that I'm actually able to find relief and support and encouragement and there's actually something very promising as I do this and so it's such a powerful story and I can't wait to hear more of your journey and I wish you the best as you continue this journey of working out that muscle just keep working that thing out
00:35:45
Speaker
And one kind of really important question, what's a current album you're spending right now that you're loving? What's the current song? Yeah, album music. I totally curveball, but this is something I've been loving hearing people what they're listening to.
00:36:00
Speaker
And it's funny because sometimes I'm really into music and I would have to kind of look at the title because at work music is a big thing. So usually it's different when I listen in terms of with the client in my car. But that was shared by from one of my colleagues at work.
00:36:19
Speaker
the owner of the facility. The album is called Red Mango. So it's like a mix of old Jamaican songs with some new hip-hop but the lyrics and that's been a it's a great question because the lyrics
00:36:37
Speaker
been bothering me more about the industry of hip-hop and rap that was super in my life before. And for me, right now, it's like I wouldn't listen to a podcast of people swearing and talking about cars and girls and stuff like that. And music is starting to irritate me in that way. And that album, Red Mango, really brings me more positive energy and that healing tart or... Yeah.
00:36:59
Speaker
or that journey. Because I think that's powerful because I believe I love music too and music is so powerful and it's something I've been shifting asking my guests because it's so fascinating what we hear and what and just the the array of music out there and in your story specifically it's like wow I'm starting to shift what I listen to because I'm seeing the impact it has on me. So thank you for sharing that and last question. My pleasure. There was another album. Oh we'll say that one more album. I didn't want to cut you.
00:37:26
Speaker
because I was looking for it as well. This is Russ Santiago.
00:37:32
Speaker
the album. Russ also that was pretty much rapping about money, cars and girls. And that made a huge shift recently in terms of healing that journey. And that the whole album is about how he's working on himself. And it's just empowering seeing artists that has the great lyrics, but they can use words properly and help others and just kind of put back
00:38:00
Speaker
the generations or the new generation in the old way of thinking. Last question, where can we find your work if you're if people in your area that would love to get coaching from you and totally. So like I said from Montreal, Canada, we're located in Westmount.
00:38:17
Speaker
the Studio Montreal, it's called, our facility. Easy to find me on Instagram, it's Cohen.Austrie, that could be kind of put into the links as well. But the Studio Montreal, we really have something special there. The whole team, like I said, they brought me into that work and this constant conversation we have over there. And I think that's where our clients are benefiting.
00:38:42
Speaker
there than just squatting and running on a treadmill. There's that bigger conversation of checking their energy, their emotions, and being in tune with that. It's a conversation we have on the floor at a certain limit as well. So it's just making sure that we really read the person in front of us and not just a number that's coming here. It sounds like a really politically
00:39:21
Speaker
take away nothing from this episode other than, hey, this is a man who's really doing some integrative work of taking care of himself in all areas of life. Like, I feel like that's the kind of coach you want. Someone who's really—who's not perfect because I'm not perfect either but is working towards growth and has awareness to say, here's what I'm working on. That's someone that I would follow.
00:39:27
Speaker
healthy group to
00:39:42
Speaker
So, Cohen, thank you for coming on. I wish you the best and for the rest of your day, rest of the week with your kids, family, and your clients you work with. And I do thank you so much for being on the show, man. Thanks, Travis, for having me. And again, same for others. Just follow other podcasts that you've been doing, Travis, and they're going to benefit from that. So either this one or others, if it's one life that we can change that. Hands down. Absolutely. So, dude, wish you the best, man.