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Listener Stories: Escape From The Japanese Sex Industry
30 Plays2 years ago
[*TRIGGER WARNING* - Descriptions of rape] The queens interview Naomi, a former sex worker and sugar baby in Japan. Learn how pimps preyed upon her naivety, plus a message of hope for all sex workers who want to leave the industry.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast and Guest
00:00:05
Speaker
What's up, queens?
00:00:06
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:11
Speaker
I'm Ro.
00:00:13
Speaker
And I'm Savannah.
00:00:15
Speaker
So today we have another episode in our listener stories, another slice of life episode.
00:00:21
Speaker
series featuring you, the FDS listener base, to come and tell us your stories about how you took control of your own life, a little bit about the background that you came from, what the scrotes are doing, just things of general interest that help a lot of women who are from backgrounds other than your humble hosts.
00:00:43
Speaker
So we kind of wanted to engage the series.
00:00:45
Speaker
It seems to be getting a lot of good feedback lately.
00:00:47
Speaker
So our guest today is Naomi.
00:00:51
Speaker
Say hello, Naomi.
00:00:53
Speaker
Hi, everyone.
00:00:55
Speaker
I'm Naomi.
00:00:56
Speaker
Naomi, do you want to introduce yourself and your background?
00:00:59
Speaker
Sure.
00:01:00
Speaker
I am from Southeast Asia.
00:01:02
Speaker
I'm not going to specify which country.
00:01:04
Speaker
Currently, I've been in Japan for the past decade more, and I used to be dabbling for a while in sex work for reasons that I will be talking about today.
00:01:16
Speaker
And I'm also going to speak about how I got out and basically what happens after that and what happens after I basically come about with FDS.
00:01:27
Speaker
Thank you so much for coming on the show, Naomi.
00:01:29
Speaker
I was, when we did our discovery call a while ago, I was just really, really excited for you to share your story.
00:01:36
Speaker
Thank you.
00:01:36
Speaker
Because it was a very unique story.
00:01:39
Speaker
And I also think it is something that our listeners will benefit a lot from hearing about.
00:01:45
Speaker
I guess to start with, can you tell us a bit more about your background?
Naomi's Background and Cultural Context
00:01:49
Speaker
So I guess your cultural context of, you know, where you grew up, if you grew up with any religion, and give us like the lowdown on the scrotery from wherever you're from.
00:02:00
Speaker
Your favourite scrotery.
00:02:02
Speaker
No problem.
00:02:03
Speaker
So...
00:02:04
Speaker
So actually, I grew up in a Muslim household.
00:02:08
Speaker
My parents are both medical professionals.
00:02:11
Speaker
So I was very, very careful about dating and sex, mostly because the reasons I just said previously, I came from a very religious background and my parents are both medical professionals.
00:02:24
Speaker
But also it is because of that reason, it is very, very strict and
00:02:29
Speaker
background from regarding sexual health, regarding even just protection.
00:02:35
Speaker
Like it's really hard to get a condom even back home because you get prosecuted if you are not a married person.
00:02:42
Speaker
Wow.
00:02:42
Speaker
So even back home, I thought, okay, well, it's not worth it.
00:02:45
Speaker
I'm not doing that.
00:02:46
Speaker
Right.
00:02:47
Speaker
Basically.
00:02:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:48
Speaker
Like I said, it's really, really hard to just date like a normal person back home.
00:02:53
Speaker
because there are many, many restrictions, so I never really bothered.
00:02:56
Speaker
But also because I grew up religious, it's a lot of taboo of sex and dating in the more Western sense.
00:03:05
Speaker
And so when I moved to Japan 10 years ago, I also thought that, you know what, I'm not going to change, right?
00:03:12
Speaker
Even though actually growing up, even though I grew up in a very religious household, I'm never actually religious myself.
00:03:18
Speaker
I'm always quite the unbeliever, but
00:03:21
Speaker
In order for me to basically please my parents and my family, I try to basically put a front that, oh, you know what, I believe in it.
00:03:30
Speaker
I'm actually a religious person.
00:03:33
Speaker
I pray and I go to the mosque and et cetera, et cetera.
00:03:36
Speaker
But
00:03:36
Speaker
I don't really believe at all.
00:03:39
Speaker
And so again, when I moved here, I thought, okay, I'm going to continue what I've been doing.
Encountering Feminism and Sex Work Culture
00:03:43
Speaker
And I'll try my best to stay with my religious values growing up.
00:03:47
Speaker
And that worked for a little bit.
00:03:50
Speaker
But that's also about the same time that I discovered about, well, basically feminism, but not the radical sense.
00:03:57
Speaker
Third wave feminism?
00:03:58
Speaker
Exactly.
00:03:59
Speaker
That's what I'm trying to say.
00:04:00
Speaker
Sorry.
00:04:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:01
Speaker
That's when I discovered third wave feminism.
00:04:03
Speaker
And I actually didn't even know that it's what third wave feminism is.
00:04:07
Speaker
I just kind of discovered that concept online like everybody else my age during that time, mostly through Tumblr or...
00:04:15
Speaker
Twitter, etc.
00:04:17
Speaker
And that's when I discovered that concept.
00:04:20
Speaker
And I thought like, you know, that's such a new thing for me, because back home, I mean, sure, there's a concept of it, but I was never really exposed to it.
00:04:29
Speaker
And this is all very new and very, very exciting for me, because the concept of being a
00:04:35
Speaker
able to be equal to men or like having the same rights, the same views sexually with men is something that I never really thought about.
00:04:45
Speaker
I always thought that I was weird growing up because, how do I say this?
00:04:48
Speaker
Because I'm quite a open person sexually anyway, but never really had the chance to really express it because of, well, basically the rules and regulations back home.
00:04:59
Speaker
Anyway, as I grew up and I basically was exposed to this
00:05:03
Speaker
new wave or third wave feminism and so on, that's also about the same time where, you know, like the entire sex work is work, right?
00:05:11
Speaker
And all that kind of jargons are start flying about.
00:05:14
Speaker
At first, I thought like, okay, that's interesting because I never really thought about that because back home, you know, like sex work is obviously very, very taboo.
00:05:22
Speaker
It's not something that I would even think about doing or think about as a in a respectable position or career to be seen.
00:05:32
Speaker
That kind of goes a while for maybe a couple or so years.
00:05:36
Speaker
And that's also about the same time where I started really living my life here in Japan.
Challenges and Survival in Sex Work
00:05:42
Speaker
And in Japan, I struggled a lot with, first of all, being suddenly alone on my own.
00:05:49
Speaker
After a good, my entire life, up until my teenage years, I'm always at home.
00:05:55
Speaker
I was very, very sheltered.
00:05:56
Speaker
Suddenly I'm alone in a different country.
00:05:59
Speaker
I can practically do whatever I want.
00:06:01
Speaker
And it was very difficult for me to basically keep myself from not doing, you know, not doing stuff that I've always wanted to do.
00:06:09
Speaker
And for a while I succeeded, right?
00:06:11
Speaker
But then come to about maybe two, three years after I moved here...
00:06:17
Speaker
In Tokyo, I actually started to, not started to, but I actually had the need to think about how I would be able to survive here because my father actually got sick.
00:06:31
Speaker
He got really ill and basically all of the income, all of the money that he and my mom sent to me every month basically cut in, I don't know, maybe more than half.
00:06:45
Speaker
I'm not here with a scholarship or anything like that.
00:06:47
Speaker
It was all paid by both of my parents.
00:06:50
Speaker
My dad has the tendency to abuse me financially and would, you know, whenever we have like a basically like, for example, we have an argument or anything of sorts and he doesn't like my tone or he doesn't like what I said and he's like, all right, I'm not going to send you money for a couple months.
00:07:06
Speaker
or he will block me from every platform, which is a bit insane.
00:07:10
Speaker
But this one time he actually got sick and he couldn't send money and my mom has to basically take care of him and pay for his medical needs, etc.
00:07:21
Speaker
And so I was the only person, well, sorry, I obviously couldn't get enough money to get by.
00:07:28
Speaker
And my first thought was, okay, you know what, maybe I should go back to Indonesia for a little bit, you know, until things come down and I can always, you know, continue my studies elsewhere.
00:07:37
Speaker
Is that, oh, you know what, I need to start, you know, doing sex work because I want to stay here.
00:07:43
Speaker
And also because the normal jobs that I take here, you know, as waitressing or whatever else is pays very, very little.
00:07:50
Speaker
it's kind of like an extreme jump from one to the other but at the time I was in a very very dire situation and I tried to justify it in my head that hey you know what like I need to survive I have to do this and maybe there's some truth to that but I think it's it doesn't have to be that extreme I didn't have to think that way had I not been exposed to the thought processes that I've been exposed to online that you know like here's a way out for you to get a lot of money it's like
00:08:20
Speaker
by doing sex work.
00:08:21
Speaker
Because I feel like if I was not exposed to that, that was not going to be the first thing that I thought about.
00:08:26
Speaker
And so doing what I do or doing what I did before was not exactly, you know, it's not exactly a thing that you can do easily in Japan if you're, you know, if you're not a citizen.
00:08:37
Speaker
There's a lot of loopholes that you can do, but obviously most of the times, places are not really meant for foreign students living or working in Japan.
00:08:47
Speaker
So speaking of which, the reason why I also had this thought was because it was advertised quite freely here in Tokyo anyway.
00:08:56
Speaker
There would be trucks or basically a lot of boards everywhere you go, and especially in the bigger wards like Shinjuku or Shibuya.
00:09:06
Speaker
of like, hey, you know, join the site is basically for looking and starting to join in sex work.
00:09:14
Speaker
And I started to be more interested in that.
00:09:16
Speaker
And I started looking for it and basically did everything that I could to find a place or people who would allow me to do that.
00:09:25
Speaker
So imagine like I'm already not doing anything.
00:09:29
Speaker
I'm already doing something that's actually, you know,
00:09:32
Speaker
Not very beneficial for me in the long term.
00:09:35
Speaker
But also I'm looking to do it with people who were willing to bend the law.
00:09:39
Speaker
So it was already as bad as it goes.
00:09:42
Speaker
And mind you, during that time, I was also... I never dated my entire life.
00:09:48
Speaker
So for context, I never dated in my home country at all.
00:09:52
Speaker
And I never dated here in Japan as well during that time.
00:09:56
Speaker
Very, very inexperienced with men in any form either.
00:10:00
Speaker
At all, like the most that I did was talk to them, if anything.
00:10:04
Speaker
And so like the decision to start to dabble in this kind of like sex work is very, very questionable at most because it's it makes no sense to do so.
00:10:18
Speaker
You know what, though?
00:10:19
Speaker
I'm going to put a pin in that because we've talked to a couple of sex workers
Vulnerability and Exploitation in Sex Work
00:10:23
Speaker
now.
00:10:23
Speaker
Some of them come from backgrounds where they were exposed to sex very early.
00:10:26
Speaker
But a lot of times, inexperience and naivety is also a way that people are groomed into sex work.
00:10:33
Speaker
Meaning like they're sold a dream of easy money.
00:10:36
Speaker
They may not know better, etc.
00:10:39
Speaker
It's interesting because there seems to just be a general theme of a trend of men being able to recognize when a person doesn't have the education or self-esteem or good enough background to be able to understand that they're being exploited or they potentially are exploited.
00:10:56
Speaker
going to get into something that they don't quite understand the physical, mental, or emotional ramifications of.
00:11:02
Speaker
And they're quite good at coaxing women to do that.
00:11:04
Speaker
But the type of women who end up in sex work seems to be, I think, a lot of women who are exposed to sex.
00:11:10
Speaker
But it's not unusual either for women who were not that way before.
00:11:15
Speaker
Right, right, right.
00:11:16
Speaker
I think like, I always thought that for most people, well, for most women who actually, you know, were experienced, well, eventually experienced in sex work, like I thought that they have at least like some sort of exposure of the relationship with men before.
00:11:34
Speaker
And I guess you're right, actually.
00:11:36
Speaker
I think it would be much easier for, well, men to manipulate us into doing what we did if we actually had no semblance of experience in relationship with men.
00:11:48
Speaker
Because there's no benchmark of what's good and what's not good and what's acceptable and what's not acceptable.
00:11:55
Speaker
And that's practically where I was.
00:11:57
Speaker
And again, I was looking for people who are willing to
00:12:01
Speaker
allow me to do that.
00:12:03
Speaker
And during that time, you know, like obviously I was also virgin, if that's even a concept.
00:12:09
Speaker
But basically I had no sexual experience at all with men.
00:12:12
Speaker
And basically my first sexual experiences was also with a pimp.
00:12:18
Speaker
Granted that he was, in a post-rophy, I guess, nice enough to, you know, not traumatize me in any way.
00:12:25
Speaker
But the experience was traumatizing enough because I don't know this person.
00:12:30
Speaker
Like, not even in a, I had a hookup kind of thing.
00:12:33
Speaker
It was like, okay, I need to do this because I want to start doing sex work because, you know, I need money.
00:12:39
Speaker
And that happened and then I started working with him for a while and then I stopped and I practically kind of like jumped into different pimps maybe every several months for reasons that I honestly cannot remember why.
00:12:54
Speaker
And during that time, it was actually very, very short at first.
00:12:58
Speaker
Maybe, well, I wouldn't say very short, but maybe a good half a year when I started.
00:13:03
Speaker
And obviously, I got, you know, like, yes, I did get the money and I got to pay my expenses.
00:13:09
Speaker
And that's good as it is.
00:13:10
Speaker
But I was also very, very depressed, obviously.
00:13:15
Speaker
I actually had to drop out of university, which is, you know, very, very makes no sense at all.
00:13:22
Speaker
But I had to drop out of university, even though I was, you know, I started the entire work exactly to pay for university.
00:13:29
Speaker
Dropped out, I actually got sick for unrelated reasons.
00:13:33
Speaker
And so I used that excuse to kind of like get off and be on my own for a little bit.
00:13:39
Speaker
But during a time where I was off school and also still doing the sex work, I was also trying to do things on my own, meaning that I started hooking up like crazy.
00:13:51
Speaker
And I was not very sure what I was looking for at the time because it's not that I actually gained any pleasure doing it.
00:13:58
Speaker
I'm a very sexually charged person for the longest time that I've known myself.
00:14:03
Speaker
But even then, I didn't understand what I did back then because it's kind of like a coping mechanism where I had no control whatsoever during the time that I was doing my sex work or when I was with clients.
00:14:16
Speaker
I want to regain some semblance of control of my life.
00:14:19
Speaker
And so
Personal and Legal Struggles in Sex Work
00:14:20
Speaker
I start going around and, you know, basically fucking everyone because I thought that I can recreate that scenes or that scenarios in my head and kind of reenact it.
00:14:29
Speaker
And maybe this time it will turn out differently.
00:14:32
Speaker
And maybe this time it's actually going to be pleasure, but maybe this time it's going to be fun.
00:14:35
Speaker
And that's what I kept going on.
00:14:38
Speaker
And maybe I was not very, very aware of it at the time.
00:14:40
Speaker
That kept going on for months.
00:14:42
Speaker
And I'm going to tell you that it is a miracle that to this day, I came out of this thing and escaped.
00:14:50
Speaker
I've never had anything, illnesses whatsoever with the amount of things that I did at the time.
00:14:57
Speaker
Do you think because you didn't know any better, like you weren't as safe in your sexual interactions?
00:15:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:03
Speaker
I actually did, yes.
00:15:05
Speaker
Like, well, yes and no.
00:15:07
Speaker
I definitely was careful and not careful at the same time.
00:15:10
Speaker
I'm careful with the protection and all that.
00:15:13
Speaker
But sometimes, you know, like, because you're young and also stupid, you don't.
00:15:19
Speaker
And not that it happens often, but considering that this is Japan and they're really, really terrible with their STD testing here.
00:15:27
Speaker
It is actually still quite amazing the fact that I actually did never had anything.
00:15:32
Speaker
But then again, yes, I started in for about half a year, got out for a little bit.
00:15:37
Speaker
After I was in that industry for about six months-ish, and that keeps going on.
00:15:42
Speaker
And during the time, I was also going around and sleeping with everyone, and I have to drop out of school.
00:15:48
Speaker
And then during that time, I was still sleeping around with everyone for the same reasons.
00:15:52
Speaker
And after I recovered and I go back to school, I started dating someone.
00:15:57
Speaker
But this person was very, very not good for me.
00:16:02
Speaker
I've known him for a little bit way before I started my sex work.
00:16:07
Speaker
And he was...
00:16:09
Speaker
This person was this guy who was married and he was already started to try to get close to me for a while, even back then.
00:16:17
Speaker
So when I was in such a terrible situation, turmoil, and I was sad and depressed all the time, he was the one who, you know, well, basically I thought that he was rescuing me.
00:16:29
Speaker
Like he was basically the one who cared for me, who really want to be with me.
00:16:34
Speaker
And I thought like, oh my God, like there's no way...
00:16:37
Speaker
that another guy would ever be able to love me like this.
00:16:42
Speaker
And it's basically a tunnel vision from there, even though he didn't really treat me well.
00:16:47
Speaker
But at the time, I thought that he did because that's the only good treatment that I've known from a man is his treatment, which is not really saying anything.
00:16:57
Speaker
But I was dating him for a little bit.
00:17:00
Speaker
And then we call things off because it didn't work out.
00:17:03
Speaker
And then from then I started the sex work again, but this time it's less working for a pimp.
00:17:11
Speaker
So after that six months and then I dated this guy and then after we call things off, I started working again, but I started to work in like different things as well.
00:17:24
Speaker
So not just the traditional prostitution sense, but I basically tried everything.
00:17:30
Speaker
Pretty much almost everything under the sun at this point, at least in Japan.
00:17:34
Speaker
In Japan, there are many, many, many genres of sex work.
00:17:39
Speaker
It's not just the prostitution sense.
00:17:41
Speaker
And by the way, here in Japan, prostitution is, I would like to say, legal, but you cannot do penetration, legally speaking anyway.
00:17:50
Speaker
So there are a lot of things that you can do.
00:17:53
Speaker
For example, you know, you can have a call girl call to the hotel or your place or whatever else.
00:17:59
Speaker
And actually, legally speaking, you're not allowed to do any penetration with her.
00:18:03
Speaker
Whether they do or do not, that's obviously a completely different situation.
00:18:06
Speaker
So
00:18:27
Speaker
Other things, you know, like herusu, they call it that.
00:18:30
Speaker
It's called basically health.
00:18:32
Speaker
And that's basically what they call prostitutes.
00:18:35
Speaker
You cannot.
00:18:36
Speaker
And also like massages, etc.
00:18:39
Speaker
Legally speaking, you are not allowed to.
00:18:41
Speaker
You can probably give like a handjob or a blowjob at most.
00:18:45
Speaker
But anything else is out of the question.
00:18:48
Speaker
But obviously behind the scenes, you know, these women or these girls, they're also pressured to do so by their clients.
00:18:54
Speaker
And so it's not like they have much choice to begin with if they want to get paid.
00:18:59
Speaker
So there's a lot of coercion, basically, and trafficking going on.
00:19:03
Speaker
Yes, it is a lot of coercion.
00:19:05
Speaker
Yes, I cannot say much of how it works in different countries because obviously I've never been there.
00:19:13
Speaker
But at least in here, it's kind of like optional.
00:19:16
Speaker
But if you don't do it, then you don't get clients, then you're, you know, you're
00:19:20
Speaker
hate doesn't go as high as you want it to be, etc.
Identity and Plastic Surgery
00:19:25
Speaker
And back then, I tried other things as well, because why not?
00:19:28
Speaker
Might as well.
00:19:29
Speaker
So I tried, you know, working in more massage places.
00:19:33
Speaker
And that was actually, I'd like to say, very, very traumatizing as well.
00:19:37
Speaker
Because even though, you know, like I was not
00:19:40
Speaker
expected to do really anything, but the coercion from the clients was so severe.
00:19:46
Speaker
It was actually a very short period, but very, very traumatizing short period of my life working there due to the immense coercion.
00:19:56
Speaker
And so I stopped working there after maybe three, four months and I started doing something else.
00:20:03
Speaker
I can list the things that I did, but it's going to be too long.
00:20:06
Speaker
But practically speaking, I did the entire hostessing.
00:20:09
Speaker
Well, hostessing is not even, it doesn't really classify as a sexual sex work.
00:20:15
Speaker
Hostessing in Japan is basically where you go to these, we call it here like kyabakura.
00:20:21
Speaker
or cabarets actually, but it's not the actual cabarets.
00:20:24
Speaker
It's basically just like one of those hostess clubs where you come in as a man and then you come in and you pick all these girls to drink with you and you basically pay an insane amount of money to do so.
00:20:37
Speaker
And the reason why it is considered sex work here in Japan is because like most of the time these clients will, you know, in order for you to keep a client to keep coming to your shop, you know, like these hostesses, they practically have to, you know, coax you with like, hey, you know, we can go on a date.
00:20:54
Speaker
We can, you know, you can sleep with me if you go come to the shop.
00:20:58
Speaker
Obviously, it doesn't always happen, but that's kind of like the expectation.
00:21:02
Speaker
I've worked in those places as well.
00:21:04
Speaker
Not for a very long time, but I did.
00:21:07
Speaker
And also places like, let's see, like I would only think that I don't do was I don't do anything with actual videotaped porn or anything with a basically videotaping, like no video.
00:21:24
Speaker
I think what they call here, like cam girls.
00:21:27
Speaker
I do not do that at all because I felt like once you do that, it's over.
00:21:31
Speaker
it's gonna stay in the internet forever and there's no way back the things that i did back then honestly there's still no way back either but it is easier for me to get out with my name clean rather than having something left on the internet and i think that that's the reason why like i was never really into like the entire what is it like porn or only fans etc because i felt like you cannot get out of there
00:21:56
Speaker
It's just going to stay there forever and it's going to haunt you forever.
00:22:00
Speaker
And I still think so as well to this day.
Financial Gains and Dangers
00:22:03
Speaker
And for a while after I did all that, I started to kind of, I guess in a way, level up and stop doing the entire like small gigs, if you can call it that.
00:22:15
Speaker
And I started to actually do, actually join this woman where she
00:22:19
Speaker
We are only going for the high paying clientele.
00:22:23
Speaker
And for a good while, I was earning a lot of money.
00:22:28
Speaker
And that was also the same time that I also had like a sugar daddy or two or three.
00:22:34
Speaker
And I started to get paid a lot, a lot more money.
00:22:38
Speaker
And this is during a time where I actually don't even need the money anymore.
00:22:43
Speaker
because my mom and my dad started to be able to pay me or started to send me money in a okay amount that I can survive off.
00:22:51
Speaker
But because I'm already so in too deep into this and I thought, you know, it's too late for me to, you know, to basically quit now because I'm so used to it and I'm enjoying the amount of money that I'm earning.
00:23:04
Speaker
Finally, I thought there's no way I want to quit this now.
00:23:08
Speaker
And so I kind of stayed there for a while.
00:23:11
Speaker
not until I basically got severely assaulted by a client and this is why the entire like oh if you're a sugar baby you can you know you can pick your client you don't have to be with everyone but it is also not a good indicator of like for sure every single guy will be nice and will be very gentlemanly with you because that is completely untrue and I think
00:23:36
Speaker
Obviously, you know this, but a lot of women still have this understanding in their head that like, oh, if I do sugar babying, then I can pick my client and I can pick my sugar daddy and it's going to be fine and dandy.
00:23:47
Speaker
And, you know, it's going to be very safe.
00:23:49
Speaker
But I did that.
00:23:50
Speaker
And for someone who's already quite experienced at the time, I still picked the wrong clients.
00:23:55
Speaker
And to the last of it, I think the end of 2018 or early 2019 is where I got assaulted so badly.
00:24:03
Speaker
I couldn't walk for three days.
00:24:05
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:24:07
Speaker
Yes, it was terrible.
00:24:10
Speaker
It was really, really terrible.
00:24:11
Speaker
I had tears and bruises and I couldn't talk because my throat was so fucked.
00:24:19
Speaker
And after that, I couldn't do shit for three days.
00:24:23
Speaker
And I thought, this is not worth the money anymore.
00:24:26
Speaker
And I cannot keep doing this.
00:24:28
Speaker
I hate myself.
00:24:29
Speaker
I hated myself.
00:24:30
Speaker
I really was not happy at all.
00:24:33
Speaker
During the time that I was earning this amount of money, I was also addicted to plastic surgeries.
00:24:39
Speaker
Oh, wow.
00:24:40
Speaker
Okay.
00:24:42
Speaker
Yes.
00:24:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:43
Speaker
Because growing up, this is just for context, growing up, I was never really, you know, like a beautiful girl.
00:24:51
Speaker
At least not back home, I was not considered one.
00:24:54
Speaker
And so like when I was already like...
00:24:58
Speaker
addicted, I would say, but like, I was already very, very keen on like, I need to change myself, I need to change how I look, I need to change everything.
00:25:04
Speaker
I don't want any semblance of my old self growing up.
00:25:08
Speaker
And so when I finally had the funds to do so, I was like, yeah, I'm going to
00:25:12
Speaker
do everything well not everything but I'm gonna do the things that I wanted to do and I so kept changing how I look not that I completely like look completely different than how I used to look like one like you know those really plastic looking girls not that there's anything there's nothing wrong with that but like that's not where I went to but still I was addicted to it like it was consuming my day-to-day basis because I really didn't want to look like my old self
00:25:40
Speaker
And so, you know, like I kept being in the industry because it pays well enough for me to do whatever I want, whenever I want.
Post-Sex Work Relationship Challenges
00:25:49
Speaker
And I had the ability to also purchase things that I obviously cannot purchase with my, you know, with my allowance.
00:25:57
Speaker
Funnily enough, these are things that I've purchased like branded bags or clothes.
00:26:01
Speaker
I never actually even get to wear them because I was so afraid that people will notice that.
00:26:09
Speaker
Why are you a student from, you know, a student living in Tokyo with a bunch of branded bags?
00:26:16
Speaker
All right.
00:26:16
Speaker
Like people will notice that and I don't want that.
00:26:20
Speaker
And so I bought them and I just stashed them away and I never actually get to wear them, which is sad.
00:26:27
Speaker
But yes, with the plastic surgery part, that actually was still going on for a while at the time.
00:26:33
Speaker
And so I was thinking really hard, like, okay, do I really want to quit?
00:26:37
Speaker
But after three days of not being able to walk and being in pain, I was like, yeah, this is not worth it.
00:26:44
Speaker
And then I quit.
00:26:44
Speaker
I just quit completely.
00:26:46
Speaker
And...
00:26:47
Speaker
It was so difficult after quitting because I don't know anything else in accordance to like relationship with men, right?
00:26:56
Speaker
Like I'm so used to things to be very, very transactional.
00:27:00
Speaker
I'm used to the things that are good, you know, the dining or the, you know, the whining and dining and the, you know, the opulence, whatever else.
00:27:08
Speaker
I like that.
00:27:09
Speaker
But also in my head, I'm like, well, this is transactional because I'm here to have sex with this person or with this guy.
00:27:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:15
Speaker
And so when I stopped doing all that and I started to put myself out into the dating scene again, it was extremely difficult because I had no standard in dating.
00:27:24
Speaker
So after I quit, I actually went back to my home country for a little bit for a vacation.
00:27:29
Speaker
And during that time, it's where I kind of like tried to, okay, you know, I need to start dating normally.
00:27:35
Speaker
How do I do that?
00:27:36
Speaker
And I went back to Japan.
00:27:38
Speaker
And during that time, I was also, you know, on all sorts of dating apps like Tinder or Bumble or OkCupid, whatever else.
00:27:48
Speaker
And mind you, when I was actually fucking around before, I didn't use any dating apps.
00:27:53
Speaker
I mean, I did, but it's actually not the international kind.
00:27:56
Speaker
It's more like a Japanese kind of like dating app.
00:27:59
Speaker
So it's completely different.
00:28:00
Speaker
And so I started dating or meeting guys and I got immediately like basically fell in love with
00:28:09
Speaker
basically just fell into guys very, very easily because I had this image in my head, like I want to date normally, like a normal girl, right?
00:28:20
Speaker
And whenever a guy gave me like, basically treat me kindly or with some semblance of respect,
00:28:28
Speaker
or give me attention or like give me affection, which was huge for me or which is huge for me still.
00:28:36
Speaker
It became like I had no standards at all.
00:28:39
Speaker
I'm like, okay, I'll give you anything.
00:28:40
Speaker
Oh, do you want to sleep with me?
00:28:41
Speaker
Okay.
00:28:42
Speaker
Oh, do you want me to do this?
00:28:43
Speaker
Okay.
00:28:44
Speaker
Everything.
00:28:44
Speaker
No standard at all because I don't know how to date.
00:28:48
Speaker
I know how to pick clients, but that is not the same with dating.
00:28:52
Speaker
And I only realized that after that because I felt like, oh shit, this is actually much harder because, you know, feelings are involved.
00:29:00
Speaker
And I got to, like, my emotions are very, very intense.
00:29:05
Speaker
Like when I like someone, it was just like, oh my god, I want...
00:29:08
Speaker
I love him.
00:29:09
Speaker
I want to be with him.
00:29:10
Speaker
I want to... It was just all so intense.
00:29:14
Speaker
And so when I started dating... Well, not dating.
00:29:16
Speaker
When I started seeing this guy... And I think now when I look back... Yeah, this guy only wants to fucking hook up.
00:29:22
Speaker
Maybe he liked me enough to talk to me and basically put me up for dates and all that kind of stuff.
00:29:27
Speaker
But he only liked me for basically just hook up or just sex.
00:29:32
Speaker
And I didn't realize that because...
00:29:35
Speaker
I was already head over heels about this guy.
00:29:37
Speaker
Like, oh my God, he's so like, he's so kind to me.
00:29:40
Speaker
You know, he really gave me the affection that I need, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:29:43
Speaker
And I thought that was enough to basically, you know, like give this guy all of my attention, all of my affection and so on and so forth.
00:29:54
Speaker
And that cycle continues.
00:29:56
Speaker
It's not just this guy, but the next guy and the guy after that and the guy after that.
00:30:01
Speaker
I like them too fast and too intensely, too soon, because as I said, there is no standards there.
00:30:10
Speaker
Or there were no standards there.
00:30:12
Speaker
It's interesting you say that though, especially with the rise in almost like the sugar baby rhetoric, you know, the idea that you can sort of, you know, either sex work or sugar weigh your way into a, into a lasting relationship with a man when actually the qualities that you want in a good man who will have passed you, take care of you, respect you, love you.
00:30:35
Speaker
You're not going to find that in essentially a John.
00:30:37
Speaker
You just won't.
00:30:38
Speaker
There's a reason why they're Johns.
00:30:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:42
Speaker
And funny you mention that, actually, just as an intermezzo.
Transactional Relationships and Discovering FDS
00:30:46
Speaker
One of my sugar daddy at the time, he was an anomaly, I would like to say.
00:30:52
Speaker
We were actually together for maybe a good year.
00:30:55
Speaker
He is practically the nicest John that I've had ever.
00:31:01
Speaker
And I think it has to do with the fact that he was only doing it out of necessity and not because he wants to.
00:31:08
Speaker
Basically, he and his wife separated.
00:31:12
Speaker
And that is actually true.
00:31:13
Speaker
I actually met his wife.
00:31:15
Speaker
They separated, but they don't want to get a divorce for legal reasons.
00:31:19
Speaker
And she was like, you know, he was like, I want to meet someone, but more less for sex, but more kind of like as a...
00:31:28
Speaker
girlfriend so we were mostly yes we had sex but it was not mostly that he needed the emotional support that he doesn't have from like literally anyone because he's also here kind of alone he's an expat and he doesn't have any family here in Japan and you know
00:31:46
Speaker
with the situation with his wife was obviously not great.
00:31:49
Speaker
So he needed some kind of emotional support.
00:31:52
Speaker
And so like, that's where he looked for, which was really, really weird.
00:31:57
Speaker
But it worked out for me because he treated me so well, like really, really well, actually.
00:32:03
Speaker
But for me, right, like I saw that as a transactional relationship, because that's how it started.
00:32:11
Speaker
And even though he was very nice to me and he actually was like, you know, oh my God, like, I love you.
00:32:16
Speaker
I fell in love with you.
00:32:17
Speaker
And I'm like, thanks, but why?
00:32:21
Speaker
Because I thought, you know, this is transactional.
00:32:24
Speaker
And I felt really bad saying that because he was actually very, very kind.
00:32:28
Speaker
And I think he did caught feelings, but I already saw that the relationship as a transactional relationship, that it was really hard for me to see it as something genuine, even if he did see it that way.
00:32:39
Speaker
And so that kind of like, you know, like I said, like it basically continues with my other relationships post sex work.
00:32:47
Speaker
Is that like, I see, I had no standards with the normal dating, but also I see these nice gentlemanly attitudes or treatments from men as being something transactional.
00:33:00
Speaker
Like I don't see it happening if it's a normal dating situation.
00:33:05
Speaker
And that's also why when I went out with these guys, you know, I started to like, oh, I have to pay for date as well.
00:33:10
Speaker
Oh, yeah, he can, you know, he can go back to my place and I don't ever have to come to his space at all.
00:33:15
Speaker
Oh, yeah, we don't have to go to a nice hotel.
00:33:18
Speaker
Oh, we don't have to go to a nice restaurant because I'm used to that in a different context.
00:33:23
Speaker
If it was work, if it was me with my clients, I mean, yes, I expect it to be really nice hotels.
00:33:29
Speaker
I expect it to be really nice restaurants.
00:33:32
Speaker
You know, I expected the gifts, et cetera, because it was with a client.
00:33:36
Speaker
I expected that.
00:33:37
Speaker
But because it's normal dating, or I thought it was, then I had no expectation.
00:33:42
Speaker
I'm like, it's good enough that you want to be with me despite of my past.
00:33:46
Speaker
Obviously, these guys have no idea about what I did in the past.
00:33:50
Speaker
At least I thought that in my head that, wow, they want to be with me even though I was so like, I was, you know, I was a fucking prostitute.
00:33:57
Speaker
Oh my God, they're so nice.
00:33:58
Speaker
Oh my God, they're so kind, blah, blah, blah, and so on and so forth.
00:34:02
Speaker
And this kind of no standard dating goes on for a good three years or so, I think.
00:34:08
Speaker
And it was very, very painful and difficult because I didn't know what I did wrong.
00:34:14
Speaker
Like what was wrong with me that I never got to really date a guy who wants me genuinely for me.
00:34:25
Speaker
And I always thought like, oh, it's because I'm too sexual.
00:34:28
Speaker
And it makes no sense because like, isn't that what you want?
00:34:31
Speaker
And also, oh, it's because I always thought that I'm a side chick material, right?
00:34:36
Speaker
Like, because I'm used to that.
00:34:37
Speaker
I'm used to being with married men.
00:34:39
Speaker
And even when I was fucking around, it's always with married men.
00:34:42
Speaker
And that's what I'm used to.
00:34:44
Speaker
And so that's a concept that I had in my head that because I did that and because I only experienced that, that's all that I deserve, which is untrue.
00:34:54
Speaker
But it took me such a long time to get to the point of like, yeah, fuck this.
00:34:59
Speaker
And that actually was...
00:35:01
Speaker
A couple of years ago when I was dating my ex-boyfriend.
Empowerment and Changing Standards
00:35:04
Speaker
So with my ex-boyfriend, bless his heart, we met and he actually was dating someone at the time.
00:35:10
Speaker
And he was dating this lady for, I'm going to say more than five years already.
00:35:16
Speaker
And at the time I was like, why?
00:35:19
Speaker
more than five years, I should have married her already.
00:35:21
Speaker
But even then, at the time, I was still dating around with no purpose.
00:35:26
Speaker
I was still hooking up left and right because, again, no purpose and I don't know what I want and I keep on repeating the same mistakes of dating because I thought that by having sex with a guy, I can connect with him emotionally because that's how I am.
00:35:45
Speaker
And I also thought that applies to men as well.
00:35:47
Speaker
And so I met him maybe mid 2020.
00:35:53
Speaker
We started dating.
00:35:54
Speaker
Obviously, I knew that he had a girlfriend at the time, but I didn't care because I thought like, well, this is how it has always been.
00:36:02
Speaker
And there's no difference to me.
00:36:04
Speaker
So whatever.
00:36:05
Speaker
But also I thought it's good that he has a girlfriend because then I know how it would end.
00:36:09
Speaker
It's not that it's going to end because he found another girl or that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
00:36:16
Speaker
It's because he has a girlfriend and he has to go back to her eventually.
00:36:20
Speaker
So I kept dating him.
00:36:22
Speaker
Sometimes when we talk about women who agree to be the side chick, it's often thought of that they have pick me itis, I suppose.
00:36:31
Speaker
But in some ways, it's a way to avoid having to deal with emotional intimacy by having a guy who's not available to you.
00:36:40
Speaker
Right?
00:36:40
Speaker
Yes.
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:42
Speaker
Correct.
00:36:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:43
Speaker
I think
00:36:44
Speaker
Well, for me, anyway, that's the main reason.
00:36:48
Speaker
It's definitely to avoid the entire we-have-to-break-up drama.
00:36:54
Speaker
I can predict already, if we have to break up eventually, it's probably because he has to go back to his wife or probably because he has to go back to his girlfriend, etc.
00:37:05
Speaker
And it is way less painful for me that way because I am severely afraid of abandonment.
00:37:13
Speaker
And so that's my way to control how things would go.
00:37:17
Speaker
And which is really funny because every single time it would hurt anyway, you know, because they still left, right?
00:37:25
Speaker
And even if the leaving part is still because, oh yeah, I need to, you know, we can't date anymore because, you know, I want to focus with my relationship with my wife or girlfriend, et cetera.
00:37:35
Speaker
Like even though I know or knew that that would happen, it still hurts regardless.
00:37:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:40
Speaker
So, yes, when I was with this ex of mine, that was also the motivation behind it.
00:37:47
Speaker
However, the difference being, he and his girlfriend, actually his girlfriend left him, like, I think six months into us knowing each other or being with each other, left him completely.
00:37:59
Speaker
And so I was stuck with him.
00:38:01
Speaker
And even at the time, I was like, oh, fuck.
00:38:03
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:05
Speaker
No way out now because she left and then she left him with me.
00:38:10
Speaker
And then during the time where we started dating as an actual couple, that's when things start to basically crumble down.
00:38:18
Speaker
And that's when I actually discovered FDS.
00:38:22
Speaker
Da-da-da-da!
00:38:23
Speaker
Woo-hoo!
00:38:26
Speaker
It's actually, I don't remember how I discovered you guys.
00:38:29
Speaker
It was definitely through the podcast first and not through Reddit because I was not actually on Reddit.
00:38:35
Speaker
I made Reddit because of you.
00:38:37
Speaker
So that's something.
00:38:39
Speaker
That's saying something.
00:38:41
Speaker
I'm sorry, by the way, for leading you into the den of iniquity.
00:38:44
Speaker
No problem.
00:38:48
Speaker
But anyway, like I finally, you know, during the time, I think it was early 2021, I discovered you guys.
00:38:57
Speaker
I'm not sure from where I'm trying to think now, but like I definitely listened to the podcast first.
00:39:04
Speaker
And during the time, I was in the position where I know something is wrong.
00:39:09
Speaker
I mean, obviously, right?
00:39:10
Speaker
I know something is wrong.
00:39:11
Speaker
I know that this doesn't sit well with me.
00:39:14
Speaker
Like, the entire relationship doesn't sit well with me.
00:39:17
Speaker
Not just because that he was obviously dating someone and then cheated on her to be with me.
00:39:23
Speaker
He was a serial cheater, true and true.
00:39:26
Speaker
Like...
00:39:27
Speaker
The bad case of pygmyitis or anything like that, it was really, really bad because when I knew that he was, you know, cheating on his ex-girlfriend to be with me, I was like, oh my god, I'm so special that he wants to be with me.
00:39:43
Speaker
And then that kind of goes on, even when I knew that he was cheating on her with multiple women before me, like a lot.
00:39:52
Speaker
And the only reason that, you know, that this sticks out is because like I had too much time at the time because I was still unemployed post my graduation.
00:40:00
Speaker
And so we, you know, we shared a lot of time together and we basically, you know, became really, really close.
00:40:07
Speaker
But this guy, like, he obviously was not a good person, right?
00:40:12
Speaker
Like, not a good partner, not a good boyfriend because, duh.
00:40:16
Speaker
And made worse that this guy is a 50-50 scrote.
00:40:22
Speaker
So he was, from the get-go, I was already feeling a lot of unease from how he was treating me.
00:40:31
Speaker
Because, again, I was unemployed.
00:40:33
Speaker
I just graduated.
00:40:35
Speaker
And because of COVID, there's no employment whatsoever for a while.
00:40:40
Speaker
And I was surviving off my savings and some money from back home.
00:40:47
Speaker
But, you know, barely scraping by from month to month because I didn't know how long am I going to be unemployed at the time.
00:40:54
Speaker
And he would not even buy me coffee.
00:40:57
Speaker
Every meal that we have, we will split it 50-50.
00:41:01
Speaker
Everything.
00:41:02
Speaker
Screwed.
00:41:04
Speaker
Screw out, alert.
00:41:05
Speaker
It was so insane and I couldn't put a word on it because I thought that this was normal.
00:41:11
Speaker
I mean, I know it's not, but at the same time, I thought like, oh, okay, I guess that's how it works, right?
00:41:18
Speaker
Like, because we're dating and this is not work.
00:41:20
Speaker
And so...
00:41:21
Speaker
You know, I have to also pay my part, like, you know, maybe.
00:41:26
Speaker
And I tried to justify it in my head.
00:41:28
Speaker
But at the same time, I felt so slighted, like, what the fuck, dude, like, I have no money.
00:41:33
Speaker
And he would, you know, like, ask me out on a date or ask me out, like to go on a trip to him to a different part of Japan.
00:41:43
Speaker
And, you know, like, obviously I expect him to fucking pay because you ask me.
00:41:49
Speaker
And also, you know, in this context, you are my boyfriend.
00:41:53
Speaker
But no, he expect me to pay everything 50-50.
00:41:56
Speaker
When I told him I can't do that, I don't have the funds, right?
00:41:59
Speaker
Like, you know, I'm not exactly swimming in money right now.
00:42:02
Speaker
And he would be like, oh, okay, well, you only have to pay this much then.
00:42:07
Speaker
And then he would kind of dangle that in front of me for like many, many, many, many moons to like, oh, you know, like I let you to only pay me this much for our trip.
00:42:16
Speaker
And I'm like, you asked me out on that trip, you motherfucker.
00:42:19
Speaker
Like...
00:42:20
Speaker
What the fuck?
00:42:22
Speaker
I was just so slighted and just so upset about how he's been treating me at the time.
00:42:29
Speaker
But again, I had no words or I had no way to really express on why it upset me so much.
00:42:38
Speaker
And again, that's when I discovered you guys.
00:42:40
Speaker
And I think it was the first three episodes really hooked me up on the entire of the things that I've been feeling.
00:42:48
Speaker
Right.
00:42:48
Speaker
Like the entire dating, why do I have to pay 50 50 and all that kind of stuff like that really hit home to me.
00:42:57
Speaker
And for a good while, because obviously I was already with this person, with this guy for a while, and it was not so easy for me to just walk away.
00:43:06
Speaker
But the first three, maybe three or four episodes of your podcast really kind of like got me to mull over about my decision to leave or not.
00:43:16
Speaker
And my injury was not an easy decision because I'm already too entrenched in this relationship with him because there was just so much trauma going on already, right?
00:43:25
Speaker
Like his girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend left him and then I'm stuck with him and then all that kind of stuff.
00:43:31
Speaker
I couldn't just leave because I already was in too deep, right?
00:43:35
Speaker
So it was not an easy decision.
Self-Improvement and Stability
00:43:37
Speaker
But the podcast really, really helped me to kind of open my eyes.
00:43:42
Speaker
And to be honest with you, it's kind of like to remind me of the things that I already know deep down.
00:43:47
Speaker
These are not the things that I, well, not really new concepts, I guess.
00:43:51
Speaker
I know it, but I decided not to see them or not to acknowledge them because it was too painful or too difficult.
00:43:59
Speaker
It's hard to articulate, isn't it?
00:44:01
Speaker
Because I think a lot of it is we're not given the cultural language to describe our experiences and then be able to navigate the framework of what is men trying to impose their will to give themselves an advantage at our expense.
00:44:16
Speaker
So we can tell that some of these things don't benefit us as women, but it's not easy to articulate it, especially if you have counter-narratives coming from men and then a certain type of feminism that... That doesn't help.
00:44:28
Speaker
Yeah, it doesn't help.
00:44:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's very like sanitized and based on personal freedom rather than understanding like personal advantage.
00:44:35
Speaker
Yeah, it doesn't help at all.
00:44:38
Speaker
And I think that's correct.
00:44:40
Speaker
It was really hard to articulate myself.
00:44:42
Speaker
And I don't want to sound like, oh my god, you have so much.
00:44:46
Speaker
Your standard's too high.
00:44:47
Speaker
You're asking too much, blah, blah, blah.
00:44:49
Speaker
But I thought men used to pay so much money just to talk to me for dinner.
00:44:54
Speaker
And I am now with a guy who wants me to pay 250 yen half for coffee?
00:45:02
Speaker
Are you fucking kidding me?
00:45:05
Speaker
Obviously, I would put it against that, but just in general, why do I have to do this?
00:45:11
Speaker
My existence itself is a fucking gift.
00:45:15
Speaker
You should be so grateful that I even want to be with you.
00:45:18
Speaker
But it took me such a long time to get there because, well, like you said, it was so hard to articulate myself.
00:45:25
Speaker
And so after months of mulling myself over about this, I eventually walked away.
00:45:32
Speaker
And it was not easy at all.
00:45:34
Speaker
Because yes, I care a lot about him.
00:45:36
Speaker
Like that's the reason why I was with him in the first place.
00:45:39
Speaker
And I think like any breakups in general, it's not an easy thing to do.
00:45:42
Speaker
And so we break up, you know, we broke up and then we kind of got back together for like months and
00:45:48
Speaker
It obviously didn't work out and we finally just broke it off for good.
00:45:52
Speaker
But that was, I think, being with him and at the same time discovering FDS was, I think, the point in life where I really thought, okay, that's it.
00:46:05
Speaker
I'm not going to do this anymore.
00:46:06
Speaker
I'm not going to date this way anymore.
00:46:09
Speaker
Things have to change.
00:46:10
Speaker
Because I know now that, you know, before I used to be like, oh my God, what's wrong with me?
00:46:15
Speaker
Why do I?
00:46:16
Speaker
I'm always this side chick.
00:46:18
Speaker
You know, I'm never this and all that.
00:46:20
Speaker
But that's because of me.
00:46:22
Speaker
I do that.
00:46:23
Speaker
I did that to myself.
00:46:25
Speaker
As in like, I made the choices.
00:46:27
Speaker
I made the conscious choices to be that, to do that.
00:46:31
Speaker
And if I don't change, then nothing will change.
00:46:34
Speaker
And so like from I think about from around that time and mainly from last year, I think early last year is when I really did a lot of self-work.
00:46:44
Speaker
A lot of other things were happening as well at the same time.
00:46:47
Speaker
Like I was like facing unemployment early last year because my company was just like really, really terrible at the time.
00:46:58
Speaker
And I have to go back home for a bit.
00:47:00
Speaker
and so on and so forth but during that time i was really thinking on how i can level up in different ways different parts of my life the things that i can control and for example like really bad but like for example of how i dress or how i you know how i talk how i basically show myself to people because i always thought that how i look or how i dress will definitely impact how i feel as well
00:47:29
Speaker
And for the longest time, when I was with my ex-boyfriend, I actually stopped dressing and looking good because he would always be like, oh, you know, like, why do you need to dress?
00:47:41
Speaker
Why do you need to dress up?
00:47:42
Speaker
Why do you need to look good like that?
00:47:44
Speaker
Who are you meeting?
00:47:44
Speaker
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
00:47:46
Speaker
And so I stopped putting any effort on how I look completely and just starting to look like a bum for 24-7 when I was with him.
00:47:57
Speaker
And then when I was out, I was like, I'm done doing this.
00:48:00
Speaker
I want to level up.
00:48:01
Speaker
I want to look good.
00:48:02
Speaker
I want to have a good job.
00:48:04
Speaker
I want to date someone who actually is good for me, appreciates me, loves me, and takes care of me.
00:48:10
Speaker
Well, from early on, I started to do a lot of work towards that goal.
00:48:15
Speaker
And it's been a very, very slow process.
00:48:18
Speaker
But now I'm working a very good job.
00:48:21
Speaker
I would like to say so myself.
00:48:23
Speaker
I'm in a very, very stable relationship right now with someone who is...
00:48:27
Speaker
amazing and i actually met him during my level up journey last year and that's i feel like it's a reflection of if i put the work on myself then someone who is worthy of that will see that because before like i felt that i kept being in these terrible relationships with men
00:48:51
Speaker
who only treat me like meat, basically, or like a fucking side chick or whatever, was partly because I allowed them to do so.
00:49:02
Speaker
My lack of boundaries and my lack of standards basically let me be in that position in the first place.
00:49:10
Speaker
But once I actually put certain standards of myself, this is how I want to be treated.
00:49:14
Speaker
This is how I want to be loved.
00:49:17
Speaker
This is how I want to be in a relationship.
00:49:19
Speaker
This is how I want to be provided for by my boyfriend or by my husband, etc.
00:49:24
Speaker
Then these guys who used to be so attractive to me because reasons just stopped being attractive to me.
00:49:32
Speaker
At all, because they don't do that for me.
00:49:34
Speaker
They never did and they won't.
00:49:36
Speaker
And so I don't see, I don't see the attraction anymore towards these men who used to treat me like shit.
00:49:43
Speaker
And I started to actually cultivate relationship with someone who is a complete 180 from the men that I used to date.
00:49:52
Speaker
And I'm not going to say that it was easy because it was very, very difficult at first to recognize this.
00:49:57
Speaker
And it was even harder to kind of let myself go in the sense that I don't have to be on guard so much anymore with this person because he actually takes care of me well.
00:50:09
Speaker
And also that, yes, I
00:50:12
Speaker
It was a very, very long road to go where I am at right now, but I'm glad that I did the work needed in order to be where I am currently today.
00:50:23
Speaker
So I wouldn't say that it's going to be as easy a journey like how I said it in the past
Gratitude and Hope
00:50:32
Speaker
one hour.
00:50:32
Speaker
you know, for women who are still stuck in sex work or sugar babying, etc.
00:50:38
Speaker
But I think that once you really, one day you kind of will snap out of it.
00:50:43
Speaker
Because I've been doing the work towards it for a long time, like do the entire therapy and
00:50:50
Speaker
you know, like psychiatrist, etc.
00:50:52
Speaker
But during the time that I did all that work, I actually didn't want help.
00:50:57
Speaker
I don't want to be out.
00:50:58
Speaker
I don't want to be in a better relationship yet because I was not ready.
00:51:04
Speaker
I felt like there's a phrase of, you can't help people who don't want to be helped.
00:51:09
Speaker
And that's actually applies to me during that time.
00:51:11
Speaker
Like, because of all of my friends knew what I was doing or the things that I was doing, how I dated, et cetera.
00:51:17
Speaker
And they could tell me, Oh, Naomi, you can do this.
00:51:20
Speaker
You can do that.
00:51:21
Speaker
You know, you should not do this or you should not do that.
00:51:24
Speaker
And,
00:51:24
Speaker
I may agree with them, but I don't do it or I don't do the work because I am not ready and I don't want to be helped.
00:51:32
Speaker
I didn't want to be helped at all.
00:51:33
Speaker
But I think that to a certain degree, I would say at some point, it will be something that kind of like opens up your eyes to how bad things are.
00:51:43
Speaker
And I think that's, again, how it was with me when I quit sex work.
00:51:49
Speaker
And the second time was when I was with my ex and then I discovered FDS.
00:51:53
Speaker
And I think those two moments or those two events are what really got me to the point of where I am right now.
00:52:01
Speaker
Wow.
00:52:02
Speaker
So thank you for your story.
00:52:04
Speaker
What a journey.
00:52:07
Speaker
It is a journey.
00:52:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:10
Speaker
It's been very long.
00:52:11
Speaker
I'm going to say I'm still a work in progress, but very, very happy.
00:52:16
Speaker
I would like to say of where I am right now, I'm very, very proud of the changes that I've made to myself.
00:52:24
Speaker
I'm not going to say that I am, oh my God, so much better right now, blah.
00:52:28
Speaker
But I have to say that I'm actually quite happy.
00:52:31
Speaker
I'm in a very good place right now.
00:52:34
Speaker
Can always be better than, you know, improvement, etc.
00:52:37
Speaker
But in comparison to back then, I'm in a quite good position, I have to say.
00:52:44
Speaker
Definitely sounds like it.
00:52:46
Speaker
Well, we're proud of you.
00:52:47
Speaker
I mean, anytime we hear a story of women who have come from circumstances that just seem, I mean, like almost impossible to wrap your head around if you haven't been there yourself.
00:52:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:59
Speaker
And to see that even in our little corner of the world that we're actually helping people and influencing people.
00:53:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:53:06
Speaker
I'm so thankful for you guys because seriously, like discovering FDS was like the point where it's like, oh, fuck, I need to get out.
00:53:15
Speaker
Doesn't it make sense though?
00:53:17
Speaker
Right?
00:53:17
Speaker
Once you heard it, it's just, I feel like they don't want us to talk about stuff like this and they don't want us to actually put two and two together because yeah, I feel similarly.
00:53:25
Speaker
Like when you start to hear it, you're like, wait a minute.
00:53:27
Speaker
How come no one's ever said this before?
00:53:29
Speaker
Right?
00:53:30
Speaker
Yes.
00:53:31
Speaker
It's like, I remember like I was listening to you guys at the gym and I was like, oh my God.
00:53:37
Speaker
of here?
00:53:38
Speaker
Like, what am I doing?
00:53:41
Speaker
How do I get out?
00:53:42
Speaker
What am I doing?
00:53:42
Speaker
There's times when I listen to episodes and I'm like, man, I'm cringing at myself at some of my past behavior.
00:53:48
Speaker
So...
00:53:50
Speaker
It seriously felt like that.
00:53:51
Speaker
It's like a third eye was opened is how I would say it.
00:53:55
Speaker
What's really funny is because you were saying the things that, again, like I said, it's not new, new.
00:54:02
Speaker
These are the things that women, I think, inherently know deep down in their minds, but again, has no way to articulate it.
00:54:10
Speaker
But yeah, when I listened to the first episodes, I was like, oh my God, what I've been doing.
00:54:17
Speaker
I need to get the fuck out of here.
00:54:20
Speaker
But I'm so glad that I did.
00:54:22
Speaker
So yes, it's like a lot of it is a thank to you, girls.
00:54:26
Speaker
Like you've been amazing.
00:54:28
Speaker
You've been a very huge part of my Level Up journey.
00:54:31
Speaker
And yeah, I would like to say thank you.
00:54:33
Speaker
Seriously, it's been an honor to be able to talk to you.
00:54:37
Speaker
Thank you.
00:54:38
Speaker
Thank you.
00:54:39
Speaker
But yes, I would like to say, yeah, last time that it would be great if my story can help anybody who listens from any part of the world, that it can get better and seriously get out.
00:54:56
Speaker
It is not worth it.
00:54:58
Speaker
The amount of money was maybe great or the validation from men was probably great for a moment.
00:55:05
Speaker
But for the long term, you can always choose yourself.
00:55:10
Speaker
I hear you.
00:55:10
Speaker
And it's going to be fine.
00:55:12
Speaker
And on that note, that's our show.
00:55:15
Speaker
Check us out on Twitter at fem.strat or check us out on Patreon, patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy for weekly bonus content and our discord.
00:55:23
Speaker
And follow us on Instagram at underscore the female dating strategy or on our website, the female dating strategy.com and discuss this episode on the forum.
00:55:33
Speaker
Thanks for listening, queens.
00:55:34
Speaker
And for all you Johns out there, we hope you get scammed out of all your money and you die alone and die mad.
00:55:41
Speaker
See y'all next week.
00:55:42
Speaker
Bye.