Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Deflect, Distract, Downplay: The Compliment Olympics
60 Plays28 days ago
In this episode, we unpack the compliment deflection reflex—why so many of us squirm, joke, or outright reject praise. From cultural conditioning to self-worth struggles, we explore the deeper reasons behind this awkward reflex and how to retrain ourselves to receive compliments with grace (and maybe even believe them).
---
What You’ll Learn:
· Why compliments make us uncomfortable
· How deflecting praise is linked to low self-worth
· The difference between humility and self-rejection
· How to receive a compliment without spiraling into a self-deprecating monologue
· Simple, powerful ways to shift your reflex from deflection to ownership
---
Mic-Drop Moment:
“Every compliment you reject is a truth you’re refusing to believe.”
---
Listen If You’ve Ever:
· Responded to “You look great!” with “Ugh, I look like a gremlin.”
· Felt awkward or embarrassed when someone praised you
· Thought receiving a compliment made you look arrogant
· Needed a little help in the “I deserve good things” department
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Exhausted Sparrows Unite
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I'm your host, Krista Jones, with my co-host, Chantel Shafer, looking beautiful today. And we are here to talk to you about, well, let me ask you this.
Why Are Compliments Uncomfortable?
00:00:18
Speaker
Does this sound familiar to you? When someone says, my gosh, you look amazing today, and you immediately respond with, what? No, I don't. I got dressed in the dark in the middle of an earthquake. Does that sound like you? Well, if it does, maybe you don't realize that's a compliment. It's not a trap.
00:00:35
Speaker
It's not an insult in disguise. It's not a quiz. It's really just somebody offering kindness. Okay, so why does that make us panic? In this episode, we are digging into the weird dance that we do when someone says something nice to us, why we swat down praise like emotional mosquitoes, why we feel the need to justify compliments instead of just receiving them, and what this habit says more about our self-worth.
00:01:01
Speaker
our self-programming, and our fear of actually being seen.
Personal Struggles with Compliment Acceptance
00:01:07
Speaker
Welcome Chantel Shaver If Cringe Were Currency, I'd Be Rich, Especially If You Compliment Me.
00:01:17
Speaker
I got to say the emotional mosquitoes was probably my favorite part of I really enjoyed that. Thank you. I did. Thank you. It takes me a very long time to write this up. I just want you to know that.
00:01:29
Speaker
Well, you do a fantastic job. Oh, that was a compliment. And guess what? I'm going to say thank you to that compliment.
Childhood Influences on Self-Worth
00:01:35
Speaker
And the reason that I was so excited to bring this topic up is because I hate compliments.
00:01:43
Speaker
Same girl. I am a deflector. um And I joke about that all the time because I've been working for about two, three years now on getting better about taking compliments.
00:01:56
Speaker
And part of my little joke shtick is saying, oh, I'm a deflector. I'm a deflector. Like, because i know just how bad I am at it and I am trying to get better. And I thought, as I'm going through the list of things that Krista Jones has to work on, because this is my therapy, I'm like, I want to talk about compliments next.
00:02:15
Speaker
And here we are. And here we are talking about compliments. And why in the world most of us have such a hard time accepting them. So it's kind of important to figure out where that comes from and then figure out, well, how can we fix that?
00:02:34
Speaker
Yeah. It all goes down to childhood again. Here we are back at childhood. Well, I mean, it's a lot of different things, right? So I just want to dive right in. I'll tell you my own personal stories, which you might be able to to relate to, or you might say, Christy, you need actual therapy.
00:02:52
Speaker
But um some of it is around positive feedback and how we don't trust it.
00:03:00
Speaker
So I think sometimes I'm just, well, okay, really, this Krista Jones's thoughts. i don't really know how true any of this is. Let me tell you what goes on in my mind. Sometimes I say, oh, they're just being nice.
00:03:13
Speaker
Like they're filling space. Like they're just, you know, saying something because they just don't know what else to say. Oh, I don't think they really mean it. Or I'll say things like, don't know. They don't know the real me.
00:03:24
Speaker
behind closed doors. And like, I'll joke about that all the time. Like people will say stuff about our charity, Sparrows Nest. We feed families and individuals that are going through a cancer diagnosis here in the Hudson Valley, which is located in New York.
00:03:37
Speaker
And people will say things like, oh my gosh, like this is so big and beautiful. And I, you know, you guys are helping so many people and you're doing so many great things. And then I have already zoned out.
00:03:50
Speaker
Like I'm already like, oh, And I'll make jokes and I shouldn't, but I'll say things like, ah you don't see me behind the scenes. and I am a chaotic mess back here. Like, because I have to maybe deflate the compliment some. Does that make sense?
00:04:08
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And there's a million reasons for that, that I'm going to go into in a minute, but deflating the compliment. Deflating the compliment. You don't, are you afraid it's going to go to your head?
00:04:20
Speaker
I have a lot of things I'm going to tell you about that in, in, in just a few minutes. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That's, that's, that's definitely part of it, but I don't know. You know, i think some of it is low self-worth, which most of us struggle with.
Family Lessons on Humility
00:04:34
Speaker
We say that and, you know, not really living our authentic selves because we feel like our authentic self isn't worthy So I think there's there's definitely that when we're handed compliments, right?
00:04:49
Speaker
Sometimes we feel itchy because we think we're not deserving of that compliment and it can't be possible that that's a truth. It must be a lie. And then i think for many of us, we feel, think women especially feel that confidence is like arrogance,
00:05:10
Speaker
Absolutely. Right? so I know that growing up, I had a hard time accepting compliments because I also came from a family that didn't want you to brag.
00:05:23
Speaker
And sometimes it trips me up here at the charity because my mom, with all good intentions, used to say things like, listen, if you are doing nice things for people or you're trying to change the world and yet you're looking for a pat on the back, you're doing it for the wrong reasons, like you should do all the good things you want to do under the radar.
00:05:45
Speaker
And so a lot of times I feel people are then bringing it up to the surface like, oh gosh, it seems, you know, like I'm i bragging. And I think a lot of times too, that's that's a female thing because we have maybe...
00:06:00
Speaker
been taught, maybe not as much you Chantal, but I feel like maybe more my generation has been taught that, you know, we're, so but we're small. We're supposed to be seen and not heard.
Self-Esteem and Family Comparisons
00:06:09
Speaker
We're supposed to have inside voices. We're ladies.
00:06:11
Speaker
Like, I think there's a lot going on there. That, that is a lot to unpack, but I will say that, hi dad. Um, my dad is a very humble person and doesn't take compliments.
00:06:22
Speaker
You know, he'll give you the shirt off of his back and you could say, wow, that's so generous and so giving. And he's like, no, that's just what you should do. Right. So in the same vein, I was raised that way. I wasn't told not to brag. Right. But, you know, my dad is, yeah i don't want to say my, yes, my example. I was going to say idol, but that's the wrong word.
00:06:41
Speaker
ah He is my example. And I learned from from a very young age that those are just the things you do and and you don't need the praise and the and the glorification for doing them. Sure. Sure, you don't, but we have to get in a healthy place, meaning Krista Jones, I don't know about the rest of you, to accept that. And when I was kind of unpacking this podcast and trying to figure out like, what am I going to say and what am I going to do?
00:07:04
Speaker
was like, wow, there's a lot of these things that I really need to put into action. And we'll talk about that at the end. And we always do. We always talk about these struggles that all of us seem to face, but we always give you like some ways that to maybe, you know, soften the blow or to very slowly start unlearning all of these things that we've learned. um ah lot of us also believe that worth has to be earned, right? Like...
00:07:35
Speaker
perfectionist, which I can say I am definitely not. Oh, I am not a perfectionist at all. Chantal will be like, you misspelled three words in that sentence. I'm like, did you know what it meant though? That's good enough.
00:07:46
Speaker
No, but, um, like perfectionism, um, this hustle culture is definitely me. Like if I do more and I continue to do more than maybe I am worthy,
00:07:57
Speaker
Um, my faith growing up was a little different than my faith now, just meaning in the churches that I was in I grew up in a church growing up that you never really can earn your way into heaven.
00:08:13
Speaker
So you had to keep doing works and keep trying and keep doing the best and then hope that maybe you were chosen. Right. So I had a lot of years going through through that, which made me say, oh my gosh, like I have to keep trying to earn, you know, my worth.
00:08:31
Speaker
And then, you know, I started going to another church maybe 10 years ago and they were like, that is entirely not even true. You, the debt has been paid. There is nothing that you need to do and there's nothing that you can do And then I was like, wow, that's a lot to unpack.
00:08:46
Speaker
But it's, you know, it's everything for us. It's it's um childhood messages, right? Like, um don't get a big head, you know, or, you know, you got to earn your place at the dinner table. Or like there's all these different things that your parents could have been even joking about when you were little or not.
00:09:03
Speaker
But, you know, you feel in society you're always comparing yourself to someone else. And are you worthy of the compliment that somebody is giving you?
Reframing Compliments as Gifts
00:09:14
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's hard. You know, I grew up and I i have an older sister and my older sister was gorgeous. And I spent my entire childhood comparing myself physically to her and never measuring up. You are also gorgeous. Well, thank you. You're welcome. um But it affected me my entire life. I mean, I've told this story before where my husband used to compliment me and I would, I would poo poo it, you know, like, no, I'm really not. No, I have had two kids and the, and, and then he stopped. And when I called him out on it, he said, why am I going to give you any more compliments when all you ever do is tell me I'm wrong?
00:09:47
Speaker
You know, and that changed my thinking a lot. Sure. Because you really do crave that. yeah Right. So it's this kind of, um, It's like this crazy, funky place that we put ourselves in. Like, no, no, no, but please do.
00:10:03
Speaker
So that's all going
Practicing Gratitude and Validation
00:10:05
Speaker
on. And then I think too, you know, you brought up a good point. um I had a friend say to me, you know, kind of like that gift giving or somebody that wants to do something for you or somebody that's trying to help you.
00:10:17
Speaker
When somebody gives you ah compliment and you don't accept it, you're saying that their words aren't valid. it's it's really an insult to them because they are saying something they believe to be true about you, your appearance, your integrity, your inner personality traits, and you're turning around and saying no, and and you negate it And for some people, it's even hard to give a compliment.
00:10:44
Speaker
So there's all of that going on as we're trying to figure out how to awkwardly accept a compliment that there's people on the other end of that that really, you know, they're hurt by that.
00:10:56
Speaker
Well, yeah, I mean, because in the in in a certain way, it's almost like you're calling them a liar, like that they're lying to you with their words. You know, if they say you're beautiful and you go, no, you know, you're discrediting them and their opinion. Agreed.
00:11:10
Speaker
A hundred percent. But that's all back down to self-worth and loving ourselves and living authentically and not comparing to other people. And it's like this crazy cycle, which is what what this podcast is really all about, you know? And you said, you know, about Jeremiah that you were like, oh, stop saying that.
00:11:30
Speaker
And then he did. And you were like, what? And, you know, I think it's because deep down, We all do want to be seen, but being seen, I think makes us vulnerable.
00:11:40
Speaker
And I think if we haven't like built up enough self-worth, then it's just so much easier for us to hide. hundred percent. Like this charity for me is a big thing because it puts me a lot in the spotlight.
00:11:56
Speaker
And I will say all the time, it's funny, you know, Chantel and I will like go back and forth and like, we'll read something that somebody's written in a newspaper and they're like, I work there. I'm the founder. um ah And like Chantel will go, can you believe it i'm like, I don't even care. Like, I don't care about any of that, but I'm in this weird position that because of what I do and because I am the founder, it like puts me out there When I really just want to kind of shrink in the background, like I could care less if you mistake one of my staff members as the founder. Like I'm like, fine, take it.
00:12:34
Speaker
Because I really, which I know is going to shock a lot of people that are friends with me, but I really don't feel comfortable in the spotlight, even if you think I'm very comfortable the spotlight.
00:12:49
Speaker
Well, you do a really good job. I'm going to just say thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. So a 2017 study um that was in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology showed that people who deflect compliments are are not only less confident, but they also bring everything inward and often feel that they are less likable.
00:13:24
Speaker
So those that do not get in the habit of receiving compliments and taking them for what they're worth really get into this crazy thought process of feeling that they are unloved and unliked.
00:13:39
Speaker
And 30% of people that respond to compliments with a simple thank you feel 80% better about themselves as human beings than those that don't. So it's kind of saying, this is like a learned thing. If we, instead of saying, oh, thank you, but I dressed in the dark in the middle of an earthquake. If we, instead of that said, thank you.
00:14:04
Speaker
And we started just letting those words in, simple as thank you, which we'll talk about soon. But um that can also change how we feel about ourselves.
00:14:16
Speaker
That sounds like a really easy way to make yourself feel better. It's just saying thank you. Yeah. Letting somebody else give you a compliment. I like that. Are you going to do the next time I say thank you?
00:14:28
Speaker
Am I going to do it the next time you say thank you? Yes. Thank you. That made no sense.
Techniques to Boost Self-Worth
00:14:34
Speaker
So accepting compliments without spontaneously combusting. How do you do that? Right? So we have to kind of reframe what it is. It's not a test when somebody gives you a compliment.
00:14:46
Speaker
It's a gift. Right? Right? They're giving you the gift of their words because they love you or they love something about you or they feel that they want to show you that. So that is where these words come in.
00:14:57
Speaker
So I have learned to just start saying thank you. But I am a person that needs to fill in dead air. Right? So thank you then isn't enough. And then I start rambling and I mess myself all up because then I'll go, thank you. But really, that's not true. I got the shirt on sale on the clearance rack or like, I don't even know.
00:15:18
Speaker
Sometimes it's not even 100% true story, but I'm trying so hard to deflect it that like, I don't even know what I'm saying. You know, in in that situation, it sounds like you're trying to take the attention off of yourself. Right.
00:15:33
Speaker
Yeah. A hundred percent I am. Yes. Be proud of that shirt you bought on sale. That is brag worthy. That is a brag worthy shirt. you So yeah ah ah thank you and not saying anything else was not something that I was able to really do.
00:15:49
Speaker
So um then I thought, well, maybe after the thank you, I could say something else. So sometimes I will say, thank you. I'm working on this.
00:16:01
Speaker
Because I feel like, you know, I don't believe that I've arrived there. Somebody else does. And I'm at least appreciating the effort that they they they they think I'm working on it.
00:16:13
Speaker
All right. No, you don't like that one at all? I don't know because like, what are you working on? ah Well, whatever they're saying. Like... Um, trying to think of something that's happened recently.
00:16:26
Speaker
I feel I use it almost every day. Uh, I use it a lot with the charity or something like, um, Olivia and I were out a couple weeks ago doing some stuff for, for a bridal show and something was going on there. And then my other daughter, Fiona had some stuff going on there. And I happened to be in the presence of someone else as I was answering all these calls. And they said something like,
00:16:46
Speaker
you know, you're a really good mom. Like, I love the way that you always pick up the phone. And I was like, thank you. I'm i'm working on that. I'm working on patience. I'm working on being a good mom. Yeah. ok I was like, I'm working on it. So I was kind of acknowledging it, still putting my own little Krista spin on it, which was better than nothing. If you are, you know, completely like me and you nay everything, then at least, you know, ah you're thanking someone.
00:17:11
Speaker
Yeah. Nope. I understand now. Do you? I do. But you don't take, you know, I noticed sometimes with you two compliments are hard even now. Oh, they're incredibly hard. Yeah.
00:17:21
Speaker
I still haven't outgrown that lack of self-worth and physical appearance. And I just, I've never had that confidence in myself ever.
Societal Conditioning and Women's Self-Perception
00:17:34
Speaker
But you're going to get it by the time this podcast is done in the year 2048. You are going to have all the confidence that you need. I'm going to be a hip granny. You really are. 20 more years.
00:17:45
Speaker
You're not even going to be a grandmother then. are you talking about? What is that? That's 23 years? Yeah. I better be a grandmother. my kids will be in their thirty s Okay. You might be a grandmother, but I'm digressing.
00:17:57
Speaker
So we need... to start reframing our thinking to think ah that by accepting compliments, we are deserving of them, right?
00:18:14
Speaker
Validation is not a weakness. And i think letting ourselves be seen, you know, I was saying a little earlier that as women, sometimes, you know, we try to shrink in a space, right?
00:18:32
Speaker
um And so there there are some rooms that we go in and we absolutely, that's true. It's not our fault, but it is our cue. Right. So if you're in a room where confidence is mistaken for ignorance and, you know, vulnerability is met with judgment and authenticity is just too much for the crowd of people that you're in ah it's not your job to get smaller. It's your job to find a bigger room, right? It's your job to find better people.
00:19:02
Speaker
So I think a lot of times too, when we can't accept compliments, we do surround ourselves with maybe people that aren't as giving of as those compliments be because we feel like we're in a better, less awkward situation. i had something happen to me just a few weeks ago.
00:19:18
Speaker
Chantal and I were in a meeting and there was male person figure there that was, um that was domineering, domineering and was kind of talking over me and was, you know, kind of, um, making me feel that my, my point wasn't valid. And I made myself really small in that meeting.
00:19:43
Speaker
And then just a couple of days ago, I met with a female, um, that was, um you know, a witness to it. And she said to me, i was so uncomfortable.
00:19:57
Speaker
I didn't like that at all. And that for me, that was, you know, I thought about that all weekend. I was like, oh my goodness. You know, and I was in a room with other people you um if I would have handled the situation with a little more strength so that I didn't have to crawl into this space and make myself so small, it could have been um a really great learning point for other people that were in the room, but I didn't.
00:20:26
Speaker
It's a hard situation, though, because, you know, worse as women, we are taught to to be more subdued and submissive and to not try to I don't want to say bulldoze, but take control of that situation when a man is acting domineering.
00:20:42
Speaker
Sure. And confrontation is, is, is not an easy thing, but it all kind of boils down to self-worth and, you know, allowing yourself to pat yourself on the back. That doesn't mean you're bragging to realize that you're doing a great job and to accept these compliments and then not to make yourself small in other spaces to make yourself ah larger than life.
The Role of Self-Praise in Self-Worth
00:21:06
Speaker
Now I have the Backstreet Boys in my head. Thank you. I was looking at what you're doing. i was like, what is she doing? I was singing. and I was singing. I saw, I saw something going on there, the way that you're moving your body.
00:21:16
Speaker
So there's a lot of stuff that you have to take for it. So I will tell you that what I have been doing, um, Chantal and I talk about this all the time is I have a little sticky note. I have said this in other podcasts and I do change what my sticky note says, um, from time to time. Right.
00:21:34
Speaker
um Because I always find these cute memes and then I print them out and then I put them on my mirror and it will last sometimes, you know, for months. Sometimes it'll last for only a week or two.
00:21:46
Speaker
But um it's always something that will help me to feel better about myself when I'm starting the day. So that is something that you could do. Maybe it's a sticky note that's in your car.
00:21:59
Speaker
Maybe it's a sticky note that's on the mirror when you get ready in the bathroom in the morning. Maybe it's just you saying something about yourself when you're looking at yourself in the mirror in the morning. One small good thing about yourself, because if we don't start complimenting ourselves first, of course, we're not going to let other people's compliments seep in.
00:22:20
Speaker
because we don't even feel worthy
Impact of Adult Behavior on Children
00:22:23
Speaker
ourselves. I mean, that is a losing battle. So in order for us to get the compliments that we all really truly deserve, we have to start loving ourself. And that is podcast after podcast. I mean, if you're listening now, I don't know, we're in the 20s, I think on our podcast, but I mean, almost every one of them has this underlying theme that all of these things that we are struggling with has to do something with the way that we feel about ourselves.
00:22:51
Speaker
And giving people the power to even have any say over who we are is absolutely ridiculous. We need to know who we are and we need to shine in that. And so saying just one little thing about yourself a day, i think is important. I don't know if you do anything for yourself, Chantel,
00:23:14
Speaker
I don't. Oh gosh. No, but you know what? My eight year old gives the absolute best compliments. So like when I, when I need a little pick me up, I'm like, Avery, tell me something.
00:23:25
Speaker
And she's like, mommy, you're the best. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Well, and a lot of times too, I think that raises a good point. um It is really hard to argue with your eight-year-old children about what they think about you.
00:23:37
Speaker
And to do so also then shows them not to take these compliments. We say that in every single podcast too. um My children, i learned from a very early that if I you know was fluffier at some times than other times.
00:23:56
Speaker
I learned at a really, really young age with them to say things like, oh, mommy's going to eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. She wants to eat healthy. i want to eat off the land. I want to eat off the farm. I am really, really careful about what I say to my children. I have a child that has an eating disorder right now.
00:24:15
Speaker
And, you know, I'm beating my head over it because, you know, I'm just trying to make sure what are my words, you know, when she's having food and what are my, because these kids see everything that we're doing. So when we don't take these compliments, they they're they're not dumb. Your eight-year-old child absolutely knows if she's giving you a compliment and you're turning around and crushing her spirits by not accepting it.
00:24:37
Speaker
then she doesn't believe she's worthy of any compliments or love herself. And there's the cycle that if we don't want it happening to our own children, why do we not love ourself that much, if not more?
00:24:49
Speaker
Yeah. That can't be one of those, you know, do as I say, not as I do situations. You need to lead by example. You need to live it. Own it. Own it. And whatever your spirituality is you know, um you know, for me, I find a lot of comfort in words in the Bible.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:25:04
Speaker
But, you know, if the Bible is something that you do read, I mean, you can find it everywhere.
00:25:09
Speaker
There is like 75 proclamations in the Bible of who you are and why you are unique and why you are beautiful and why you are meant to be here at this exact place, you know, where you are.
00:25:20
Speaker
So the point of all of this is It won't hurt us to just say thank you to the person giving you this compliment.
00:25:31
Speaker
And you know what? You might not believe it the first time or the second time, but after enough times, you're going to start to believe 100%. 72% study that was done ah twenty twenty one seventy two percent of people who took over that new, let them, let me, you know, this whole new philosophy and, you know, decided I'm going to be the best person I can.
00:25:55
Speaker
And instead of deflecting compliments, decided to start accepting them. 72% said that within 21 days, right? That's how long it takes to form a habit. Within 21 days, they were looking at themselves differently just because of letting compliments in.
00:26:13
Speaker
That takes but takes no work. That takes a simple thank you. And then if you're Krista Jones, you should walk away after I say thank you because in my head, like I'm ready to itch, like I'm turning red. like,
00:26:27
Speaker
So that's what I do now, especially if somebody says, oh my gosh, it looks like you lost weight. You know, my first response is I just had a ho-ho and my pants don't fit. like i But I'm like, thank you. And they, so I mean, listen, a lot of times like people can tell I'm uncomfortable because I am grimacing saying it, but my girlfriends will be like, I am so proud of you.
00:26:47
Speaker
i am so proud of you that you didn't say anything after that, but thank you. And I'm like, there you go. Work in progress. One of the easiest podcasts that we've had. yeah it is. Compliments. Now we need to live it.
00:27:00
Speaker
Well, we have been doing well. I'm going to start putting some sticky notes on your computer and you start putting some of mine. And and i think I think next week we're going to have great things to report. All right.
00:27:11
Speaker
I'm glad that you joined me again, Chantal Schaefer. I always have you joining me when I have the most vulnerable podcast where I am sharing the absolute hardest things that are going on. And listen, compliments aren't easy. So I'm going to give you Chantal and everybody listening a challenge.
00:27:29
Speaker
The next time that somebody says that you're glowing or you're smart or you're kind or you look like a snack, which I heard is a good thing. Don't argue. Don't deflect. Don't return serve with like compliment tennis match.
00:27:44
Speaker
Like, oh, you look good. Don't you? You know what? I just want you to say thank you. Then I want you to pause. i want you to let it land. And I want you to let it settle in your bones because maybe just maybe you're not being flattered.
00:27:57
Speaker
Maybe you're being seen. i could cry. And maybe it's a time to stop running from that. You don't have to earn every kind word. You don't have to shrink to be liked. And you definitely don't have to be humble at the expense of your own truth. So take the darn compliment, my friend.
00:28:20
Speaker
Until next time, be kind to yourself and each other. And if you love our podcast, visit our website at sparrowsnestcharity.org. dot org