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Spill The Tea- Or Don't. The Real Cost of Gossip
29 Plays3 days ago
In this episode of Exhausted Sparrows Unite, we’re breaking down the truth about gossip: why humans are wired for it, how it spreads, how it wrecks mental health and relationships, and why even the most well-meaning people slip into it without realizing. And then we go even deeper — into healing, accountability, and actually changing the culture around us.
This isn’t an episode about shame. It’s one about awareness, compassion, and the self-honesty we all desperately need.
In This Episode, We Cover:
- The Real Psychology of Gossip:
Why your brain loves talking about people and why stress, insecurity, and burnout make it even harder to resist. - The Damage It Leaves Behind:
From depression and isolation to destroyed reputations and toxic workplace cultures — the ripple effects you don’t always see. - Healing When You’ve Been the Target:
How to process the emotional hit, reclaim your narrative, and rebuild your confidence — without feeding the drama.
Why This Matters:
Gossip can feel small… until it’s not. It can wreck jobs, relationships, and mental health. But with awareness and intention, we can shift the tone of the rooms we walk into — one conversation at a time.
This episode pulls no punches, brings the humor, and gives you the clarity and compassion to do better without beating yourself up.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Impact of Gossip
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I'm your host, Krista Jones, with my co-host, Chantelle Schaefer. And I have something today to ask you.
00:00:16
Speaker
Have you ever said something that wasn't your business to share, convinced that you're just really venting, and then later realized you really hurt somebody? Yeah, same.
00:00:29
Speaker
Gossip is easy, heartbreakingly easy. It spreads faster than a flu in the kindergarten classroom. Anything that is said about someone that you wouldn't say if they were sitting there right next to you, yeah, that's gossip. It ruins relationships and damages careers and triggers depression. And my goal today is not to shame you, not at all. It's really to wake us all up. Yes, all of us. That means me, gently but honestly, so that we realize just how powerful our words are. We can build people up and we can break them down, sometimes in the same exact sentence.
Personal Challenges and Evolutionary Aspects of Gossip
00:01:11
Speaker
Chantel Schaefer, ouch. This is gonna be heavy topic. It is also going to be a very vulnerable topic because for a while now I've been toying with the idea of talking about it. i didn't really know what it was going to look like.
00:01:32
Speaker
We were with a huge group of people doing amazing things in Florida, doing this run for our charity, which cooks for you know people that have a cancer diagnosis and And you know, when you're around a lot of people too, you get to see a lot of different personalities and some of this is with age and some of us should know better. And just, you know...
00:01:59
Speaker
Now is the time that I feel i really want to talk about it and honestly humble myself and admit some really hard truths about myself.
00:02:10
Speaker
Well, as the young kids say, it's time to spill the tea. Time to spill the tea. So gossip. It is hardwired into us literally. Like there are people out there that say, oh, I don't do it. But we all do it to a certain degree. Sometimes we just don't really know that that is exactly what we're doing, right? But gossip actually helped.
00:02:33
Speaker
humans survive way back in the stone ages before shockingly I was born. How did gossip save humanity? Well, it taught people, right, to figure out who they can trust and who was dangerous and maybe who stole the mammoth meat. Oh,
00:02:55
Speaker
Right? ah Yeah. can it. Like, which you one of you took the bison? I don't know, but right. Like, you know, and then maybe you wouldn't know, but you would say, oh, it was definitely Jake. Jake is the one. I mean, I don't know. But what if it wasn't Jake? Right. And I don't think Jake, I don't think the name Jake was like a Stone Age name. What do you, like,
00:03:14
Speaker
Ur, ur stole the meat.
00:03:18
Speaker
Right. So gossip was, you know, way back when, when people first started roaming the earth, like it's been around since the beginning of time You really delved deep into this. I really did to find out that, you know, it is something that, you know, we are just inherently born with kind of that flight or fight as well. We talk about that a lot and to survive.
Neuroscience of Storytelling and Personal Regrets
00:03:43
Speaker
And let's be honest, like we all like to tell stories, right? Like we are training, you know, for all these runs with sparrows nest. And, you know, sometimes you have a lot of miles and I'm like, just tell me a story. And, you know, we like to tell stories and sometimes we embellish the stories. Krista Jones embellishes her stories because they sound better. But sometimes they are a little bit gossipy. And part of that is because, right, like social info, like us, you know, chatting as buddies. when we're out there is like a trigger for dopamine, right? And dopamine makes you feel good. And we talk about cortisol and dope cortisol, bad dopamine. Good. We talk about all this stuff working out and all this stuff. So it triggers this like euphoria, this high, this whatever, like, oh tell me more.
00:04:33
Speaker
And then we see that our friend is excited to get to hear whatever we have to say about the tea. And you know, we're the center of the stage now because we're the one telling the story and we're like, well, And sometimes we even embellish it to make the story sound even better. And yikes.
00:04:48
Speaker
So dangerous. It's a slippery slope. It is a slippery slope. 70% of human conversation is about other people. Ew. That's cringy.
00:05:00
Speaker
It's cringy. And that used to be a big part of my life, which, you know, I do really want to talk about And I do want to own it because there are people that are going to listen to this podcast and they're going like, that absolutely has been you, was you. And I've definitely hurt others in in speaking that way. And the last maybe, i don't know, five years or so, I've really watched my tongue and I've noticed that there are certain people that will no longer say certain things to me because, you know, they know that I'm no longer going to engage. Right. so it gives us this false sense of control. I think when we gossip, right. Like when our life is chaotic, I feel, you know, sometimes when things were going on crazy, my life to get the emphasis off of me,
00:05:52
Speaker
I would be like, oh, but look over here. Yeah, it's a way of deflecting. Into somebody else's life. And i for me, i struggled making friends all my life. I've never really had a lot of friends.
00:06:06
Speaker
And i have always tried to fit into the in crowd. I've never really been a part of any in crowd ever. I just don't really fit. I'm a little bit odd and that's okay. I embrace it. And Shaltel's like, it's true.
00:06:19
Speaker
Um, and so I would try to fit in with them. So if I knew information or I could embellish on information a little bit or so-and-so so didn't like so-and-so, and maybe that got me in the door, like I am totally guilty of that. I mean, you know, that's my seven, eight, nine year old self. And even my high school self, I did it to a best friend. I did. i had, a i know. Yeah.
00:06:42
Speaker
But this is where
Gossip's Impact on Self-esteem and Mental Health
00:06:43
Speaker
I'm humble, right? This is where like I'm trying to be raw and honest and emotional. i had a really good friend named Trisha, and um she and I were both kind of on the outs. like We were in dance team and cheer, and like we did all this stuff, but not really like a part of that crowd. And um I had some girls that kind of wanted to befriend me, but they didn't really like her. And i I wasn't really mean about her or saying anything necessarily gossipy, but I didn't stop it and I knew exactly what it was. So they talked about it and I never once said, she's not like that. She's my friend. I said nothing, which to me, like, oh my gosh, I could cry. it like, yeah. Like I look back at moments like that and I think,
00:07:35
Speaker
Wow, that was horrible. Like what in the heck were you thinking or not thinking? Yeah. I mean, what a cruddy friend. It's hard because you're you're looking for acceptance yourself, but you know, you're doing that at the expense of somebody you love. It's not right.
00:07:53
Speaker
It's not right. No matter how you wrap it and no matter what kind of of bow you try to put on it, it is absolutely not right. And you know, when you share,
00:08:05
Speaker
all of these complaining things, right? It creates this bonding experience with other people, right? Like we all know groups of complainers. And I have been caught in the middle even at an older age than high school. I've said it on quite a few podcasts. I have been caught in the middle of if I'm around complainers, not anymore, but definitely within the last decade and they're complaining and they're talking about this and they're talking about that. Well, I want to I mean, I feel left out. I want to be a part of that. So I would start complaining or I would start saying things that I really shouldn't say. And then I've said this on a lot of episodes too. And then I really would feel so cruddy about myself And I couldn't feel figure out why. Like I would be depressed. I would be fatigued. I would be anxious to get in crowds because guess what? I was being a cruddy person.
00:09:02
Speaker
And it took me years to go like, i don't feel good about myself. i mean, I'm running a charity. I'm trying to cook for all these people that are sick. Well, I mean, I was being a really crappy person. I was being a crappy friend. i wasn't, you know, being positive just because I did something amazing in my work life. More importantly for me was who am I as a person in my personal life?
00:09:26
Speaker
now Like when you're not looking at me, how am I acting? When you can't hear what I'm saying, would I say it to your face? So like, oh my gosh, I have really had years of trying to undo um just how much damage I feel I've done over the first maybe 35 years of my life. And it's a hard cycle to get out of too, because I find that the worse I feel about myself, the easier it is to bring other people around me down.
00:09:57
Speaker
Because I feel bad about myself and I want other people to be as, i don't want to say bad, but as negative in light as i feel. Right. It's a, it's a cycle.
00:10:09
Speaker
It is a cycle and it's, it's a really hard cycle, I think, to get out of. And we're going to talk about how you can, because I am not in any way tooting my own horn because every single day I get up and I say, I know I'm going to screw up, but you know, let me be careful my words. But There are definitely things that you can do that can help you to stop the cycle of gossip. And let's be honest, as adults, we have little people all the time and we have coworkers and we have friends and neighbors and family. People absorb the way we are and the way we behave and the way we act. And would you ever want people that you love to be going around gossiping and hurting other people? Like, you know, I don't want any of that ick.
00:10:56
Speaker
to, you know, be something that my children learn from me. yeah Like I want my children, you know, to learn that in any situation you have to pivot, you have to be positive. Like you don't know what that person is going through. How dare you have an opinion on on what they're doing. you know, and it really gossip spikes your stress level and it spikes your insecurity. So when you said, Hey, you know what, when I'm down, yeah, I want other people to be down with me. That's, that's why you're already feeling insecure. You don't want any, you know, positive Polly around you.
00:11:31
Speaker
Wait, wait, revelation. No, ah wait. target Nope. Revelation. You don't want a positive Polly around you when you are negative Nelly.
00:11:44
Speaker
Ooh. Wait, hold Thank you very much. I like it. Did you want to add to that? No, you just want to hear my sound effects. I liked your sound effect. I like your alliterative Thank you. Positive, poly, and negative Nelly. Did you see how quickly I did that? And the fact that you knew that was alliteration because it's both words start with a, yeah, English. I loved it, but I already forgot what it was called.
00:12:08
Speaker
I was watching Jeopardy the other day and alliteration
Workplace Gossip and Its Consequences
00:12:12
Speaker
was one of the ah categories. That's so random. ah Yeah. But okay. Okay. So when people feel powerless, gossip is kind of like this cheap shortcut, right? To feel important yeah or to feel included.
00:12:29
Speaker
And it's not like it's done to bad people. That's what I think I want to iterate reiterate. It's not like you're bad if you do it. We're really just trying to say it's really easy to get caught up in and really hard to get out of. And we all do it. And I think that's why it's so important. But maybe what's even more important than the fact that you're doing is is what is the fallout of you doing it, right? Every action has a reaction. Everything that you do, everything that you say has a consequence. So, you know, this this is hard to talk about, but, you know, you gossiping about other people absolutely impacts your
00:13:13
Speaker
their mental health and yours, even if you're a strong person, even if you are a very strong person and you don't care what other people say, we all care somewhat what other people say. And what other people are saying about us absolutely affects the way that they interact with us. It can affect if we get a promotion at work. It can affect, you know, if we're in or out of a group at school. It can affect if we're invited to the potluck dinner at the neighbors, which we should talk about potlucks one day. No, I'm never going to a potluck dinner.
00:13:43
Speaker
Yeah. I know you won't. I won't do it. I know. I know you love it. So, you know, repeated negative chatter not only mentally impacts the person you're talking about if they find out about it, which of course they will. Let's talk about that. But it also increases your own anxiety, your own isolation, and your own self-doubt. Because here's the thing. If I'm talking about you, right, or gossiping about other girls to a group of people,
00:14:14
Speaker
Are they gossiping about me when I leave? Because they're really quick to be in on the gossip. They want to know the tea or they're telling me all the tea. So if I turn around and leave, like, are you now talking about me as soon as I leave? I mean, talk about being anxious. I'm already worried about what everybody in the world thinks of me as a person. It is very stressful.
00:14:35
Speaker
Yeah. Now, all of a sudden I'm gossiping about you, not even you, I'm gossiping about, you know, ah other women to a group. And now I have to leave that going, oh my gosh, I just got in the car. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Are they going to tell her? Are they going to gossip about me? Did I talk for too long? What are they going to say about me? Because they were mentioning this about her and do they know that I do that too?
00:14:56
Speaker
So it leads to such a spiral mentally for us and for the person you're doing it to. And let's be honest, it damages reputations. Yeah.
00:15:08
Speaker
It hurts the teller. It hurts the person it's about. it It's just not good for anybody. Yep. And once a rumor gets legs, right? Like it travels at Olympic speed. It does. Once a rumor gets started and enough people know the rumor. I mean, look at our news for goodness sake.
00:15:26
Speaker
None of us are actually digging in. I shouldn't say none of us. I mean, many of us do not even dig in when we read a headline anymore to see if it's true. We just run with it and we share it And half the time it's not a reputable source. And that's the thing. That's what gossip is. You just hear something. Most of us don't check to even see if it's true. Then we repeat it. And you know, when it's negative, I always heard this about reviews.
00:15:52
Speaker
When it's a positive review, one or two people it affects. When it's a negative review, one person giving a negative review, five other people have now spread the word. Negativity spreads like wildflowers because people thrive on it. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, it's like a terrible game of telephone because, you know, you might start the rumor with one thing and then the next person spins it and it gets worse and worse and worse. And it's, I mean, it started untrue and now it's a giant fallacy that's so much worse than it started. So much worse. And even if the truth comes out, most people still believe the rumor. Exactly.
00:16:31
Speaker
Right? People thrive on that. Like you said, they thrive on negativity. they're like the drama. And it's sad. And you know, it not only has reputation consequences consequences, right? But it has career consequences, right? Because workplace gossip, they say, and it's true, is one of the leading causes of a toxic work office. And that is one thing here. We work in a very small office. There are four of us, you know, we're we're growing slightly, six of us potentially
00:17:07
Speaker
We are such a small work office that I say all the time. The minute that I say something and you're like, what? Or you hear something or you don't like the way I said something in an email, confront me. Like immediately, if there's something that I have done, you need to immediately confront me. It's a small workplace.
00:17:28
Speaker
There's not many people to talk to. Two or three of us start talking about the other one. That's not going to end well. And it absolutely can obliterate people's careers. We watch it happen all the time in political arenas, things that aren't true. You know, you, you, you can't get ahead of a good rumor.
00:17:47
Speaker
Never. You can't get ahead of it. It affects promotions, right? Because, you know, we're all human, right? Bosses don't necessarily dive too deep. And even if they do, they'll say things like, well, you know what? Nobody likes them here.
00:18:02
Speaker
So even if that rumor about them isn't true, none of them are able to get along with them. I'm not going to be able to promote them because nobody's going to take this person seriously. They're already saying all these things about this person, right? And employees that gossip are even more likely to quit or to underperform because they're constantly in threat mode, right?
00:18:25
Speaker
So those employees that are gossiped about are more likely not to make it in that environment because you have been a part of creating something toxic for them.
00:18:41
Speaker
And like, how about the mental health ramifications for the person who is the subject of that gossip? So it's detrimental, right?
Personal Stories of Gossip and Emotional Distress
00:18:52
Speaker
When I was younger, i was in, i think fifth, sixth grade, we moved around a lot.
00:18:58
Speaker
So I was fortunate that if I did something wrong at a school and I wasn't liked, I would go to the next school and try not to be overbearing, overpowering, you know, small, small myself down, right? Like whatever it was. And in the sixth grade, I joined a dance team and I lived in Louisiana. i think I was in Louisiana then. And it was hot and I was overweight and I joined a dance team and I lost a lot of weight because we had to practice outside. i was like, what is this? And if you are from the South, if anybody from the South is listening to me, like dance teams, no joke.
00:19:33
Speaker
Like you practice three hours a day and you have to be able to kick your face with your legs. And like, it's, it's like a thing. And so I lost a lot of weight And then they started um telling, you know, the school when I came back that year, it was the first year that boys ever looked at me.
00:19:51
Speaker
And then the girls that didn't like me, because they still didn't like me, even though I lost weight, started saying that I was slutty. And like all these things that I didn't know, i didn't know what that meant when I was in the sixth grade. i mean, I was very sheltered. and um And then I wasn't liked.
00:20:07
Speaker
And I was literally suicidal. Yeah. I was honestly, I've never spoken about this before. It was three years of my life. I moved, i think at the end of eighth grade and it was probably the worst three years of my entire existence because I could never get out of that reputation because I had lost weight. I had attention. i hadn't done anything. My gosh, I was 12 years old.
00:20:31
Speaker
I hadn't done a thing. i hadn't even held a boy's hand, but it didn't matter. There was just a group of girls and they just didn't like me because I was loud and I was obnoxious. I don't know. I'm not everybody's person. I'm not everybody's cup of tea. I get it, but they didn't like me. And literally i had three years of such a horrible middle school, you know, and I had buck teeth and I had to wear braces and like, i already was I already had a bunch of problems. Like, I wish I could go back to that child and I wish I could have spoken up for myself or I wish I could have just said to myself, like, this is a season. You're going to get through this. Like, you look back, I'm sure you have things that happen to you in school as well. And you think, yeah gosh, I wish my older self could have said to my younger self, like, you're okay. Yeah. Like these moments aren't going to matter. Yeah.
00:21:20
Speaker
but it Man, they matter. They matter when you're 12. They matter when you're 15. They matter when you're 35 and you're in a job atmosphere that is absolutely toxic. It all matters.
00:21:33
Speaker
And I just think, oh my gosh, what role did I have in other people's lives where I made them feel that small or that small?
00:21:44
Speaker
useless or not feeling that their life was worth living because of, of, of things that I have said. It's a hard conversation to have, but I mean, in order for you to stop gossiping, you have to have it. Yeah. Yeah.
00:21:59
Speaker
And can we talk about how much easier it is now with social media and technology for those things to spread and to escalate and get worse?
00:22:11
Speaker
Like my heart breaks for kids today and how technology is shaping things. their adolescence, their childhood. you know it's It's so easy for other kids to be so cruel when they're on the other side of a screen. I mean, my sister was cyberbullied when we were in school and and the things that this person said to my, like ah my sister has cerebral pals, she's in a wheelchair, and the things that this person said to her were disgusting.
00:22:43
Speaker
And it was debilitating, not just for her, for all of us. And, you know, we don't really have these laws in place. They're getting better, but we don't really have, like, we don't have what we need to hold these people accountable. No. You know, we we want to be able to do a better job, but it's everywhere. We locally, we're here in the Hudson Valley in New York um There is another amazing charity that is out there, um James's Warriors, and this beautiful woman, Donna, lost her son to suicide.
00:23:17
Speaker
I want to say that he was in his early twenty s um I wasn't you know planning to speak about this, so I don't have any of that information written down in front of me. But, you know, I remember talking to some girlfriends about it and um she and I talked because she was starting the charity after mine had already started. And I was like, do this and do this. And, you know, one of the women I was talking to after I talked Donna, I said, my gosh, like...
00:23:41
Speaker
Her resilience, you know, it's just, it's amazing to see. And this woman was like, you would think with all of these assemblies that they have now and all of this stuff that they have now, because we didn't have that when we were growing up, you know, I'm 50. She thought, you know, you would think that we, we would have this under control. And I said, no.
00:24:00
Speaker
Because we didn't have social media. This social media, it doesn't matter. You said it perfectly. These are cowards behind a computer screen that, you know, you're not in front of anybody. So whatever my words, you're not thinking, you would never say. People are making fake profiles. They're they're anonymous on social media, you know, and the number of adults I see bullying other adults and bullying children and spreading gossip on on social media is just, it's it's awful.
00:24:36
Speaker
It's awful. And I think that we don't intentionally, I mean, that's not true. There's some situations we absolutely intentionally gossip. but we don't always intentionally start off that way. And I think that's because sometimes gossip kind of, um, I guess it kind of hides itself as concern, right? Like, I feel like it'll start off like, oh did you hear about Erica?
00:25:07
Speaker
You know? And then another person is like, Oh my gosh, no, what? husband is leaving her, you know, and so it might start off that, you know, you and I, Chantel, as great friends, want to talk about our friend Erica, whose, you know, husband has cheated, right? And we just want to be able to be there for her. But, you know, then we get into the messy details of why he has cheated and we think maybe she drinks too much and she So I think a lot of times gossip starts out as concern, which is how it hooks me. Yeah. Because I am concerned for every single human being on the face of the planet. And if you start off a conversation like that, you hook, line and sinker, you have me. I'm like, oh my gosh, what can I do?
00:25:48
Speaker
And then I think that is where you're at a crossroads. The conversation could go one of two ways, right? And a lot of times it will go into all of those details that are not my business or your business or the person gossiping telling us this business. But all this stuff goes out. And like you said, not true stuff. And that's kind of how we get started.
00:26:09
Speaker
Yeah. And then our brains a lot of times will confuse judgment with protection, right? Like we're quick judgers, I think. Oh, absolutely.
00:26:21
Speaker
I've gotten a lot better about that over the years with everything, including, you know, ah we brought up social media and we talked about news and media in general. I will go to both extremes. I will go to like a CNN and I will go to a Fox news and I will listen to the same piece of information told two completely different ways. And then somewhere in the middle, I make my decision. But In many cases, we are really quick judgers, right?
00:26:50
Speaker
And we think, like, ah are gossiping, like, it sometimes masquerades itself as we're warning someone, right? Like, I need to warn you about Sue, right?
00:27:03
Speaker
Oh, what did Sue do? Well, Sue likes to talk a lot and she's very competitive and we should not bring her into Team Sparrow. Like that's the kind of stuff, right? Like I really need, you you don't want Sue ah to be doing this. You don't want to include Sue on your cookie baking because, you know, she's a heavy drinker. You know, i don't think Sue, you you should probably uninvite her. I'm looking out for you.
00:27:31
Speaker
i'm warning you It's not really warning anybody because right we have no right to say anything and give anybody a preconceived notion. We should, as adults, let you make your own decisions. Well, yeah.
00:27:44
Speaker
Right? Absolutely. Because the way you view one person isn't going to be the same way I do. 100%. And there's plenty of people you may tolerate and I may love more or vice versa. And I would never tell you, i would never go, oh my gosh, you know, you shouldn't hang up with this person. You have to make your own decisions. Well, yeah. I mean, not many people would put up with my husband and I do.
00:28:06
Speaker
That's true. But, you know, many of the people in his past could have warned me. And if I had taken them at face value, I wouldn't be where I am. Right.
00:28:17
Speaker
You need to make your own decisions. Yeah. And a lot of times somebody's preconceived notions of somebody else isn't even accurate.
The Fine Line Between Concern and Gossip
00:28:23
Speaker
And you might miss out on a great friendship or relationship as a result. Because it's skewed by one personal experience.
00:28:31
Speaker
And we all perceive every experience in our own way. So, you know, you what you might think is a huge deal might be nothing to me. Okay, there's a sock on the floor. Oh, well. Right?
00:28:41
Speaker
So let's talk about that, right? I think people think that if you're stating facts, that's not gossip. That's not true. Right? Just because you're stating a truth, it doesn't make it kind.
00:28:59
Speaker
And it also doesn't make it necessary that you had to share that. Well, yeah. Not everybody needs to know everybody's business. Hold on.
00:29:11
Speaker
No. No. No. Stop. Just stop it. Clap. Yay. Yay. I'm sorry, guys. This sound. Oh, it doesn't end. Okay. Yeah. I want do some sound effects and that was my clap sound effect. That was six until I got that, but that does not matter. Yes.
00:29:32
Speaker
You're exactly right. It is not our business. None of this is our business. Nope. Nothing is our business. Nope. Not at all. Unless it's our actual business. Yep. Your business is not my business. Nope.
00:29:47
Speaker
I have to tell my kids that all the time. It's not your business. Not your business. Nope. So are we part of the problem? We have to take inventory. I feel like we, we really got to get to that because I kind of did this checklist, um, of things that i had to start doing to identify that, hi,
Self-reflection and Solutions to Gossiping
00:30:07
Speaker
I'm the problem. It's me.
00:30:09
Speaker
Uh-oh. Well, when I was really feeling down and alone and really shallow. i had to really dig deep. So i have a checklist and these are things that I will ask myself. do want to know what they are? I would love to hear this. So these are the things I ask myself.
00:30:29
Speaker
Do I repeat things that aren't mine to share? Do you tell me something in confidence as my friend and do I share it? Mm-hmm.
00:30:39
Speaker
Do you or do I? Well, hopefully neither of us do that. I try not to do that. I do too. Absolutely. Do I tell stories about people that who aren't prince present? Here's the kicker.
00:30:52
Speaker
And is it a story that if they were present, I would repeat? I say that to myself all the time. Will I tell you this in person? Is it a story that's going to embarrass you that I'm telling to a group of friends? Like, what would you think if you heard...
00:31:09
Speaker
that I repeated this about you. That's a good one. I do that with my husband a lot because i used to do it with his parents a lot. I used to be like, oh my gosh. And then he, and I realized i was making him feel smaller. Like I thought it was funny and goofy that he didn't know you should cook, you know, the mummy meatloaf, you know, for 45 minutes and he cooked it for 12 and he served it to the family and it was raw. I thought it was kind of a funny story, but I realized it was an embarrassing story for him. Yeah.
00:31:42
Speaker
And he was like, I like, those are things that, you know, you don't need to share. You make me look stupid. So I was like, oh my gosh. Okay. I added that to the checklist. Do I soften my gossip by telling myself that I'm just venting to you?
00:31:58
Speaker
Like I need to talk to you about Jen. That's an easy one to fall into. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Here at work, there are definitely things that we need to talk about because we deal with a multitude of personalities.
00:32:15
Speaker
And in that case, I feel we'll do it. We get out whatever we have to get out about it, but we don't dwell and continue it and we move on. Mm-hmm. Right. Cause I know sometimes you do have to talk about maybe something that has happened. yeah we We have to deal with situations here, but we talk about it quickly, find the resolution. And then like, we're not bringing this up again. Stop. Shut the door. Shut the door.
00:32:39
Speaker
Do i feel a thrill when I am sharing something juicy? Am I like, wait till I tell you this? Well, if you come at me like that, I know you're getting a thrill.
00:32:54
Speaker
She's got her fingers like it's very villainous. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm a little villainous. Yep. um And have I ever said a comment like, well, someone needs to say this.
00:33:06
Speaker
Someone needs to tell you this. Someone needs to. Like, do I ever, yeah. Do I ever do that? so red flags about yourself are
00:33:19
Speaker
people often confide in me. about problems that aren't theirs, like other people's problems? Are people comfortable telling you about other people? Because to tell you right now, that's because you're not shutting it down.
00:33:34
Speaker
Are people comfortable coming to you and whispering and gossiping? They used to totally be me. Do you get dragged into drama easily? i don't know if I would get dragged into it easily, but I i have been in drama before until I realized, you know what? You have the power to remove yourself from all that.
00:33:53
Speaker
Yep. Do you know more about your coworkers' personal lives than their job roles?
00:34:04
Speaker
That's a hard one. That is a hard one. Because you definitely shouldn't. i Shouldn't. You should kind of have a balance, right? So how do we stop it?
00:34:16
Speaker
Because we all do it. Shut it down. Shut it down. No, really, honestly, shut it down. So before we speak to somebody else, is it true and is it necessary?
00:34:28
Speaker
Is this a conversation that will be fruitful in a positive light? Does this conversation need to be divulged because it will in some way...
00:34:40
Speaker
be a truth and a necessary truth that somebody just needs to know. Right. Yeah. Cause a lot of times I think we try to justify that. Oh yeah, it's absolutely true. And I absolutely have to tell it.
00:34:51
Speaker
Right. So if you're kind of like meh, that means shut it down. Yeah. down That necessary piece is important because it could, might be absolutely true, but nobody needs to know that, you know, Pamela was at the bar at eight o'clock in the morning. That's,
00:35:06
Speaker
And if Pamela is at the bar at eight o'clock in the morning, I feel like this is what you can do. Instead of going, oh my gosh, why was she at the bar? Maybe you could say, well, Pamela is going through a hard time right now. Maybe she needed to be at the bar.
00:35:20
Speaker
Yeah. You know, we don't know what Pamela is walking through right now, you know, so I don't really want to get involved in her business. Because when you say that to somebody, and that has been said to me, it has made me look inwardly and go, oh,
00:35:36
Speaker
It's kind of like a gut punch. Yeah. You know, when you don't want to entertain it and you're shutting it down and I'm trying to tell you, I'm like, oh my gosh, you're right. And I'm also like, wow, look at how you just shut that down. Kudos to you. Yeah. Yeah.
00:35:51
Speaker
Right. Redirecting the conversation. You can also do that too. Right. Because that's something that's important. Like, uh, listen, we don't know the details. Let's not talk about it.
00:36:03
Speaker
Uh, I hope she's okay. I'm trying to be more mindful about talking about this kind of stuff. Like let's switch topics. Or maybe we should sit down and talk to Pamela and make sure she's okay. Or maybe we should bring Pamela a meal yeah and brighten her day and talk her face to face together. Because we're both concerned if you're telling me this, because we're Pamela's friends and we're both concerned about Pamela. Maybe then we should just both go out there face to face and go, Pam, we're worried. Tell us what's going on, friend. Yeah.
00:36:34
Speaker
Right. And you should remove yourself physically. That's what I started doing. I removed myself from text messages. I don't respond to certain text messages in groups. I removed myself from conversations and said I have to go to the bathroom and then diverted myself somewhere else. Right.
00:36:52
Speaker
i pretend to refill my water. I'll do anything to somehow get out of there physically. So I change the scenery. And when I come back, hopefully you've forgotten what you were gossiping to me about.
00:37:05
Speaker
And if you haven't and you want to continue the conversation, you're hardcore. Hardcore. You need help.
00:37:13
Speaker
And we have to guard our own boundaries, right? So if somebody is bringing us a bunch of gossip, A lot of times we have to literally decide where we're going to put this person in our bucket of friends, of coworkers, of this is a person that you may to have a superficial relationship with because they love to gossip. And you're probably being talked about behind your back if they're gossiping about other people to you.
00:37:42
Speaker
Because they're afraid and they don't know any boundaries, any lines. Right. Yeah. And then people like that can be uncomfortable with people who will not entertain gossip as well.
00:37:54
Speaker
That's true. You know, it's kind of like holding up a mirror. Yeah. and ouch And you don't want to see that. You don't want see that? No. And then sometimes you have to just, you know, before, like if you really want to say something, if you really want to tell somebody something, um sometimes you should just take a pause.
00:38:13
Speaker
And you should wait. And if you still feel the same way the next day and you feel it's something, you know, you really need to say, then you say, unless of course it's an emergency, then of course, you know, you do that.
00:38:25
Speaker
So how do we then heal when we're gossiped about, right?
Healing from Gossip and Final Thoughts
00:38:30
Speaker
Cause that's a, that's a big thing. That is a big one. Cause it's probably happened to almost all of us.
00:38:36
Speaker
Somebody somewhere has gossiped about us and it's gotten back. Plenty of people I'm sure have said things that have never gotten to your face, but there's definitely things that are said about all of us that has gotten back. And honestly, you know, we need the time to process it and we need to say it out loud. So,
00:38:58
Speaker
We need to name it. We need to own it. We need to say, you know what, what they said about me hurt me when they said that i you know, was whatever, whatever it was when I was in sixth grade, loose, promiscuous. I don't even think we used that big of words back then. Whatever it was, i have to say, yeah, that was really hurtful. I may never be able to talk to them again, but you have to separate the truth also from the noise, from the rumor, right?
00:39:25
Speaker
So that requires self-love and that's a hard thing. But now my 50 year old self can look at my poor 12 year old self and say, you lost weight and you were healthy and you look good and they were just jealous.
00:39:38
Speaker
Yeah. And that's, ah I feel like that's where a lot of it comes from is jealousy and insecurity in the, in other people, spreader of the gossip. Right. And so, you know, you got to be able to look at it logically and your 12 year old self is not. And I hope that, you know, you guys that are listening that are parents are checking in with your kids about that. And if your kids are saying, well, so-and-so so is mean to me and this is what they said, point out the hard truths, like show them the logic, like, well, why would, why have you ever had a boyfriend? Why would they say that?
00:40:10
Speaker
You've never even held anybody's hands. Why would they say that? Do you think maybe they're upset that you're so beautiful? You're so, you know what I mean? Like address that with your 12 year old children. Yeah.
00:40:23
Speaker
You know, my mom didn't know how. And in all fairness to my mother, I wasn't telling her anything anyways, because we just didn't have that kind of a relationship. She wasn't, you know, up my butt like I am with my kids. That's what they say all the time. Like every day around the table, i like, give me one good thing, one bad thing. So we started that when they were young so that, you know, what was the worst thing today? Billy called me and I'm like, well, that's not even true.
00:40:50
Speaker
Redhead stepchildren are very nice. So right. Like you, you, you, you want to kind of call it out. Um, Remember gossip says more about them than it does about you. And that's, that's really what you just said. Yeah. They're not happy. They're insecure. They're doing what you said earlier. They want people down on their level because they don't feel good about themselves. And then, you know, realize that you don't have to even fix things.
00:41:18
Speaker
their perception of you. That's the thing. You don't owe anybody anything. You know the the truth, right? I always say I live for the applause of one, right? For me, spiritually, God knows every single thing that I do. And at the end of the day, if he's clapping, saying, well done, good servant, it does not matter. Even my husband is not happy with me. ah You are living for the applause of yourself, right? Your perception. You know exactly what is going on in your brain. And distance yourself from people that gossip.
00:41:52
Speaker
Haters gonna hate. Haters gonna hate. Haters gonna hate. Big pun? like that Isn't that like big pun song? I don't know. It's just, that's what I always tell myself. Haters are gonna hate. Not everybody's gonna like me.
00:42:03
Speaker
I like how you just simplify it. And that's okay. But it's hard for us to even get to what you're saying if we don't love ourselves. So so if you if you don't love yourself right now, because there's plenty of times and seasons we don't love ourselves. then, you know, disconnect yourself from all the negativity. Find a new group of friends. Stay away from those friends. Find a great hobby that keeps you busy. Find something to do that you love. Volunteer to local charity. Come to Sparrows Nest, sparrowsnestcharity.org. We will accept you. We accept everybody. You know what I mean? Find something that you can do and disconnect from it. Because even if you're not loving yourself right now, get away from the people that are making you feel
00:42:44
Speaker
even worse. Yes. Find people who love you for who you are. Yeah. And if right now you don't know who they are, that's okay. Because you need to let know that you have to be able to love yourself. Right?
00:42:59
Speaker
Yes. So gossip. is like one of the cheapest ways that we can bond, but it's most expensive way to harm other people. It's really awful. And we get to choose every single day. Are we going to be the person that spreads those stories? Or are we going to be the person that protects people? Imagine how different your relationships would be if we chose to keep people safe.
00:43:23
Speaker
If people could trust us with their stories and their pain and their mistake. We don't need to be perfect people. We just need to be aware and we need to be willing to do better tomorrow than we did today. If you want to learn more about the charity, we would love for you to go to sparrowsnestcharity.org. Check us out. You can make a donation. You can volunteer and do so much good in the world.
00:43:49
Speaker
Until next time, thank you for listening to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. Be kind yourself and each other.