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The Invisible Bully That Lives in All of Us
37 Plays7 days ago
We all have one. That voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough. The critic that nitpicks every move you make, magnifies every flaw, and never seems to let you off the hook. It’s exhausting — and it’s lying to you.
In this episode, we’re taking a deep dive into the inner bully — what it is, where it comes from, and why it’s so damn hard to shut up. More importantly, we’ll talk about how to push back, reframe the lies, and start rewriting the story you tell yourself. Because you are not your worst thoughts.
Inside this episode:
- The science behind self-criticism: why our brains default to the negative.
- The emotional toll of living with a relentless inner bully.
- The difference between healthy self-reflection and destructive self-talk.
- Practical tools to catch, challenge, and change those inner narratives.
- One small action you can take today to loosen the critic’s grip.
If you’re tired of feeling like your biggest enemy lives in your own head, this episode is for you. The bully isn’t truth. It’s just noise. And you are stronger than it.
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Transcript
Introduction and Theme
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I am your host, Krista Jones, along with my co-host, Chantelle Schaefer and Tom Morel. I got them both in the room today, which is always exciting because they have so much great stuff to add to the conversation.
00:00:20
Speaker
And we're going talk about something, you know, that is kind of a theme in this podcast.
The Inner Critic and Trauma
00:00:27
Speaker
And it is that invisible bully that lives within each one of us.
00:00:33
Speaker
You know, that voice in your head, the one that's telling you you're not enough. You're not doing enough. You're unprepared. Yeah, that voice, it doesn't just push us into the hallway.
00:00:45
Speaker
pushes us into the mirror where it often humiliates us in front of our friends 2 a.m. when we're trying to fall asleep. And we've been living with this so long that it often confuses what the truth really is.
00:01:01
Speaker
This is trauma, guys. This is our brain going haywire. And today, we are going to deal with it and we are going to fix it because we are Exhausted Sparrows Unite.
00:01:15
Speaker
I felt a lot of power saying that. That was very powerful, yes. And you know, we need to talk about it. Like, it is a theme with almost every single episode that we do, but we're going to spend a lot of time on it today.
Charity Promotion and Contest
00:01:30
Speaker
That's the t-shirt. We.are.exhausted. Period. Sparrows Unite on the back. That's the shirt.
00:01:39
Speaker
Guys, i i honestly, if somebody could, we got to get this line going. Somebody needs to organize. Yes. And if you stop us and say those words, you are going to win. the first person that does is going to win an apple pie for Thanksgiving. oh If you know nothing about our charity, Sparrow's Nest of the Hudson Valley here in the Hudson Valley, New York, york then you don't know that we feed cancer patients, which means you don't know that one of our most talked about fundraisers is our homemade apple pies, where we are literally one of the only people that are not taking, i love Sarah Lee, but we're not taking a Sarah Lee pie, crumbling it up a little bit, throwing it in our oven and trying to pass it off as our own. Oh no, you're making them here.
00:02:28
Speaker
physically making them here. With real apples. So the person that tells us the name of this week's t-shirt, which is? We are exhausted. First person is getting a free apple pie. There you go. Chantel, just remind me if... if Yeah, remind me. You know what's going to happen is at Gala, somebody's going to come running up. So we're having a farm table Gala on Friday. It's one of our big fundraisers of the year. big And I know somebody's going to run up and just say, we are exhausted. is this episode This episode's going to be after it, so they can't. Okay, not at Gala. Oh, we are sneaky, peaky people.
00:03:02
Speaker
You better get to us before apple pie season. So thank you for coming to gala though. We appreciate it as you're listening to this. We had such a great time. But come on in. Anybody that says it, the first person that says it is going to get a free pie. Pies are $25, but yours is free and made with love.
00:03:20
Speaker
I, um, I'm wondering if I could block my phone, my number on the, when I call in here and call me and go, hello, hello. I believe the phrase was no, you have to physically see me out in public. Okay.
00:03:35
Speaker
And I've been an introvert. So put on your, put on your Captain America costume, Tom.
Judgments and the Saboteur
00:03:41
Speaker
We're going to talk a bit a little bit about the saboteur today in Captain America. We're going to get to that, but we really got to start talking about the invisible bully and what it is, right? It's our inner critic.
00:03:53
Speaker
It's that annoying voice that has so much to say. And then we're going to eventually talk about how do we get rid of this voice? We've talked a little bit about negative Nellies in our life and getting rid of the people around us and the environment around us that makes us feel negative.
00:04:09
Speaker
But we all know that that voice is somewhere between 80 to of the self-talk that goes on in a day. That is huge. That bully voice, that awful voice, that I'm not good enough voice.
00:04:22
Speaker
That is exhausting. And it's not just a bully voice. i You mentioned it before. i like to call it the saboteur because bullying is one thing. Bullying is just like, hey, I'm just going to be mean for the sake of being mean because it's a power struggle. But the saboteur is there to dissuade you or to sabotage your plans or your desires or or your wishes, your goals, your dreams. Right.
00:04:46
Speaker
that's where That's where this negative talk comes from is or or but that's the effect of it, I should say, not where it comes from, but that's the negative effect of this negative self-talk or what we're talking about this from the saboteur sure in your head.
00:04:57
Speaker
And where it comes from, right? Are, are these judgments that whether they're true or not, that we have felt that the outer world has given us, you know, you're, you know, you're, you're not a good math person. You will never be good at math. You will stink in math. You get seasoned math, you know, whatever it is we end up taking, which by the way, seasoned math are pretty good. was going say, this is oddly specific. Are you not good at math, Krista?
00:05:21
Speaker
Actually, I'm really good at math. Oh, okay. She's exceptionally good at math. I'm good at Rain Man math. Okay. If that makes sense to you. That makes sense, Like, I'm good at saying we have 400 recipients. They're eating six ounces each.
00:05:35
Speaker
There's, you know, blank amount in this path. Like, I'm good at that kind of math. See, this is positive self-talk. This is positive self-talk, but we learn a lot of this negative self-talk because of whatever we believe the world thinks of us.
00:05:50
Speaker
And then we don't separate the world thinking it and us thinking it because it seeps in. And then it just ends up being the voice. We just, it's just common.
00:06:02
Speaker
It's just something that we hear every single day. And it's it's it's very common, correct. And ah like I said, it's ah it's ah it's difficult to overcome because it becomes an overwhelming voice.
Questioning Negative Self-Talk
00:06:15
Speaker
But here's what I think of. You know the phrase, those who have the least to say, say it the loudest? You ever heard that phrase before? Never. I think Tom just made that up. No, no, I swear to God, it's a real saying. Say it again? Those who have the least to say, say it the loudest.
00:06:33
Speaker
ah Because of the insecurities. They're the ones that are out there yelling and screaming. They're the ones in ah making a big scene or they're the ones that protests sometimes not to get political, but they're the ones in protest that are going out of their minds. They're screaming their faces off. They often have the least to say. The least knowledge in the subjects, the least, the least positive, the least, uh, uh, the, the, the content is is not there. The yeah substance is not there. gotcha So they have to say it louder just to make it be there.
00:07:09
Speaker
So that's where I think of the negative self-talk. The louder it is, the less significant it actually is supposed to be. Does make sense? Not at all, Tom.
00:07:19
Speaker
so with how How are you doing with it? If I'm hearing this... Yeah, yeah. but But you guys have never heard that other phrase before, so doesn't really make sense. haven't, yeah. I promise this works out. Should we should we cut this part out? we'll no we're not cutting any of it out. This authentically is living. So basically what you're saying, right, is that negative voice is usually the loudest. It is, right? Because that is the one we're the most comfortable with. That is what we're used to in the outer world. But conversely, it's the least valid. Exactly. Because it has
00:07:53
Speaker
Yes. Grease, right? Oil. Oil, whatever they get, right? Because the complainer is the one we listen to out of a hundred people. It's that 1%. It's that.
00:08:04
Speaker
So it is the least amount, but it gets the most publicity. Correct. Yes. What I mean. Yes. Absolutely. know what I mean. i knew exactly what you got there. time We got there eventually. Yeah.
00:08:16
Speaker
But that's true. Yeah, that's and the but that's that's not easy to, I'm not saying that's that's not your instinct is not to believe that. Your instinct is to believe, well, it's pretty loud. It's probably probably pretty true. Right. You know, you're too this or you're not enough that or you're this right instead of that. and and Or that one is nicer or prettier or funnier faster or better at this job than you are. Because it's the most overpowering voice in your head. Yes. We automatically, in trying to be humble,
00:08:47
Speaker
automatically go to sometimes extremes that, you know, we're not good. I mean, in it it can be simple things like, you know, your mom or dad saying, remember you hate talking in public.
00:08:58
Speaker
Oh, I do. I do. Yeah. Oh no. So now 40 years later, you're about to give a presentation and you're like, Oh, I hate talking. What? it's It's manifesting. Yeah. It really does. It like stirs and manifests over the years.
Toll of Self-Criticism
00:09:10
Speaker
And most of this starts really in childhood.
00:09:13
Speaker
And we can't beat ourselves up over the parents we are now, over the things that we have said, but we can certainly go back as children ourselves and go, well, you know, I have an instance and Chantel, I know she's just shaking her head like, oh my gosh, do I have some instances? But we all do.
00:09:29
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's all there and it all lives inside of us. Even if we don't like, you know, we get past those moments and we go, all right, you know, it was what it is, but it's there and it's nagging all the time, just waiting to show back up.
00:09:45
Speaker
So the negative self-talk, this what i again, i I did some work on myself a few years ago, and we actually talked about this um with the the life coach that I spoke with, who's very great. she was She was really helpful with this stuff. This particular topic itself, i'm I ah really feel passionate about this particular topic, so I'm glad we're doing this today.
00:10:04
Speaker
um There is ah element of fear and an element of truth in all of those negative self-talks, all of those negative things that we hear.
00:10:15
Speaker
they're not necessarily true 100%, but there's an element of it that is true. Because doesn't just come from somewhere. it it Tom, you're too tall to play basketball.
00:10:28
Speaker
There's no truth in that because I'm 5'9". nine I'm not i not too tall to play basketball at all. So that's not a negative self-talk. But, hey, you're too short to play basketball. Well, yeah, i'm because I'm kind of short.
00:10:40
Speaker
for you know I'm not an out-of-average-sized basketball player. But... that shouldn't deter me from trying to overcome that. So there's a there's a there's a positive... they're not Sorry, they're not positive.
00:10:52
Speaker
There's a truth in the negative self-talk that we have to identify. And then from there, where why am i Am I fearful about that?
00:11:04
Speaker
There's a fear attached to it as well. I don't want to fail. Most of the time it's because I don't want to fail. So I'm, I'm, I'm trying to avoid embarrassment or failure or something negative.
00:11:18
Speaker
But I think you hit the nail on the head. That is a great way to look at it. There is always some truth. And because there's always a little bit of truth to that, that kind of keeps that lie going.
00:11:28
Speaker
True, but if you can identify what the truth is, then you can then you can counteract that. Well, yes, you can, and we can talk about that when we fight back. Let's do that. Segment four.
00:11:40
Speaker
we're segmenting this? I mean, I don't know. I'm just making this up in my head. Did you get the segment sheet? I did not. I usually show up here and just fly by the seat of my pants. I didn't get one either here. maybe this Well, because I love what you two have to say. And for those of you you know that are like, can I start my own podcast? Yes.
00:11:59
Speaker
You just have to come up with a couple segments and then you just got to spew things out. And I love that. That is why this show works so well because i just put a couple sentences together, throw them out, and you guys have all these great ideas with it.
00:12:13
Speaker
so We talk about the bully that is in us, which you call the saboteur, a little bit different. And then like, i I think we need to talk about what that really does to us because all right, we all have it and we think, you know, we just got to squash it and that's just annoying.
00:12:28
Speaker
But really it there's a big toll. on our bodies yeah because of this physically, mentally, like all of this stuff, right? Because we always talk about the fight or flight. We always talk about cortisol and like we talk about all this stuff.
00:12:44
Speaker
And they actually say that this self-criticism, right? It affects the gray matter in our brain. Like it reduces gray matter in our brain, which we need in order to protect our brain.
00:12:57
Speaker
It reduces it because we are doing this fight or flight. all the time. time yeah If 80, 90% of what's going on internally is negative talk, you are losing gray matter all the time.
00:13:11
Speaker
That's scary. That alone makes me say, um my goodness, I have to stop this. We got to fix this. We got to, we got to find a way around this. yeah Right? Because gray matter needed dementia, all of these things.
00:13:21
Speaker
I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm losing gray matter. Like all of a sudden now panicked and I'm going down a spiral. Yeah.
00:13:29
Speaker
Are you taking your ginkgo biloba? I'm taking my ginkgo biloba. Yes, which by the way, I love. And fish meal. So that's the physical side of it, right? But the mental side of it too, the emotional side of it is that you're constantly under attack.
00:13:43
Speaker
You're constantly being criticized. You're constantly having to either defend or defer to this voice in your head. Either you're arguing with yourself or you're having to, ah you're you're you're having to, um ah submit to this to this voice. That's what I was trying to get at. And it affects your relationships with people because um these negative things that you hear in your head prevent you from taking risks or from connecting with people or from asking that person for their phone number or asking that person if they want to come to your birthday party or inviting that person over for dinner. you know it it
00:14:26
Speaker
ah The negative self-talk prevents you from doing things. We talked about that. It's it's ah it's a pain avoidance, right? You know, um i want to add to that. I was going to say it it prevents you from, from doing new things, from putting yourself out there.
00:14:39
Speaker
Um, so weird story. I was at a bachelorette party and I had a ah girl who was part of this bachelorette party come up to me and tell me that if I looked less mean, i would be more approachable oh and people would buy us more drinks.
00:14:53
Speaker
And I said, ouch, wow. I said, one, I'm married, I don't need anybody to buy me drinks. And that wasn't very nice. yeah But ever since that day, like I'm afraid of making new connections. Cause I'm like, I must look really mean. Nobody wants to talk to me because RBF, like. right That might be why you overcompensate with the Cheshire Cat smile. If we don't know.
00:15:17
Speaker
Yeah, like, so now I'm like creepy facing people. Cause I'm like, I look really mean. If you don't know what RBF is, by the way, just look at a resting face. It's resting. It's resting your face. me It's me. In a mean position. It's grumpy face all the time. And I don't know. I didn't know I had grumpy face.
00:15:32
Speaker
You don't have grumpy face. But now I'm afraid to try to like make friends because I look grumpy. That's so sad. So now your inner monologue is like, don't look grumpy, don't look grumpy, don't look don't look grumpy. And then you're like this, like this big grimace all the time.
00:15:46
Speaker
Like, that's creepy. Yeah. She just constantly just massaging your face back into shape. Oh goodness. And so let's continue with body distortions yeah because we're here. What a great segue.
00:16:02
Speaker
Cortisol actually leads to weight gain. Why are you pointing to your stomach, Tom? We really need a video, but it does. yes So all of this negative self-talk, right? Gray matter, cortisol, your cortisol is going crazy because you're fighting with your inner self.
00:16:21
Speaker
It leads to weight gain, especially body fat. I know you pointed to your belly, but it does. Brain fog. immune suppression, digestive issues, and early aging. it messes with your whole thing.
00:16:36
Speaker
The whole body. Not just yeah just a part of your body. It can't just affect your toenails. Well, not just, but this isn't just like a mental affliction. This isn't just like an emotional thing that you feel inside. It's not a feeling.
00:16:48
Speaker
It's physically. it is physically. has effects to as well. Morphing your body, which is only going to lead you to have more negative self-talk. So now this is where we we get to section four, right?
00:16:59
Speaker
segment We're not there yet. Stop rushing, Tom. I'm so excited to talk about this. You are really excited to talk about it. High self-criticism predicts depression and anxiety more strongly than life events.
Truth in Negative Self-Talk
00:17:14
Speaker
Right? So criticizing yourself makes you more depressed than seeing an event in your life or the death of a, like then those type of events. Think about that. Yeah. Think about the death of somebody that you love.
00:17:28
Speaker
Your high negative self-criticism is going to affect you more. Then something like that. Ouch. That's a, that's really, we need to stop it. Yeah. That's a really, that's an odd way to think of it. I know i hadn't thought of it that before, but yeah, but that's crazy. You're right. Yeah.
00:17:46
Speaker
Right. So why do we trust the bully? We got to get into that before we can get into how we care because Tom has a whole way to cure it and some action figures. Cause the bull, the bully is loud.
00:17:57
Speaker
Okay. The bully is loud. The bully is loud. And persistent. And persistent. Exactly. it's it's not It's always there. So if it's always there, it must be true, right? If you repeat a lie enough, people will believe it. That is what it is, right? Your brain has evolved to have this negative bias.
00:18:14
Speaker
So now it's better to assume that you're going to fall, even though you're not even anywhere near where you could fall. But again, why do why are we as humans, as as animals, why are we programmed to plan for negative? Why do we look for negative? Because it because the negative is what can hurt us. so we're It's your survival mode. we're protecting ourselves from that. So if we come at this problem, if you will, from a from the standpoint that, hey, there's a there's a a positive intent here.
00:18:44
Speaker
I'm trying to avoid ah negative outcome. I'm trying to avoid a negative outcome. That's what this this negative self-talk, as detrimental as it can be, there's a there is a positive twist to it.
00:18:59
Speaker
Right. There is. It's hard to see that. But if you can if you can find that positive twist and work from that angle versus from the negative twist to it, you can you can overcome it or even embrace it.
00:19:13
Speaker
So there are people that believe that self-talk is actually self-motivating. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Right. But with the negative self-talk, if you can, again, if you can find what the, what the reason is behind it, what's the real reason why you're being told you're telling yourself that you have RBF?
00:19:32
Speaker
Well, I'm afraid of rejection. There you go. I know. There you go. Doesn't fix it. well I'm glad we do this podcast to help everybody else, but the three that are on the podcast. Yes. Right.
00:19:44
Speaker
But at least, but but at least if you know what the, what the true source of it is, right. Where that negative self-talk is, it's your fear of rejection. You you don't want to meet someone who thinks that you're a meanie. Right. So how do we, I'm not, I'm not saying we have to come up with the answer right here, but if the approach is then, well, how do I overcome that? You smile like a Cheshire cat.
00:20:05
Speaker
No. Well, but does that really, does that really do that? Does it just your cat really smile that way? I don't actually know either. I wish we had video. We're getting video. It really just wards everybody off.
00:20:16
Speaker
Right. That lady looks psycho. yeah Right. But, you know, also your environment when you were younger. i don't know about you guys, but when I was reading up on this, it says, you know, when you're younger, if you were in an environment that was unpredictable,
00:20:31
Speaker
Right. That might've been whatever it was, chaotic or criticism. And maybe not even of ah of you, it could have been your parents criticizing each other. That bully voice would feel normal to you. Right. Silence feels suspicious.
00:20:43
Speaker
Yeah. Right. Peace feels unsafe. Positive self-talk feels weird. Right. Because you're not sure. like You're not used to it. This is, no, no, that can't be, that can't be true. You know, my mom and dad, i wouldn't say that there was a negative self-talk that was going on other than my dad, the time I got the Doritos, I asked for a second thing of Doritos, which I'll never forget. I'll talk about that later. But there wasn't positive talk ever going on. there was Not that it was negative, but I never got, oh my gosh, like you you got an A on this paper or you you know made the dance team or you, like this, I'm so proud of you. Like I didn't get that either. And so I think, right,
00:21:21
Speaker
that because I didn't get that, i just kind of went the other way. It adds validity to that story, to that, to that story that you have in your head, that voice that you have in your head. Wow. I think they're weed whacking right outside the window. I think that's what's happening. If you guys are hearing that, sorry, but that's what it is. It's, it's, it's the chaos.
00:21:41
Speaker
And then I'm just filling in my own blanks because if you are not giving me, I'm trying to talk into the microphone so you guys don't hear the little, oh, he's leaving. He's leaf blowing. He is great. I mean, why not? Getting ready for the, uh, for getting ready for the gala that will be after this is broadcast before this is broadcast.
00:21:58
Speaker
But, um, I think that's what it is. Like I just kind of, well, you're not giving me positive. So you probably don't want to say anything mean about me, but I probably didn't do that great. So that's why I would lean that way in my childhood.
00:22:10
Speaker
So again, when your parents give you criticism, cause my, my parents are very critical as well when I was a kid, um, and still are to this day. Right. If you, uh, yeah What reason are they being critical though? Are they, are they doing that to be mean or is this their way of like helping you improve?
00:22:30
Speaker
Well, that's not working. We just learned that negativity doesn't help you. Well, that's what I mean. Correct. But if you, but again, if we go back to, can I, can I find the motive behind this? What's the reasoning behind that phrase? What's the, what's the real message here?
00:22:46
Speaker
That's not working. He's going to do his thing. There's a leaf blower and I'm trying to cover the microphone. But if we if we can find what the motivation is behind that, the hidden motivation behind those words, what are you actually saying?
00:22:59
Speaker
then we can Then we can get to a problem solution or we can find a positive way around what it is that we're that we're trying to, that we're that we're getting negative feedback. All right. So let's just go where you have been wanting to go the entire, the entire segment.
00:23:15
Speaker
How do we fight back the saboteur, the bully? How do we fight him so that we can have maybe even 50% negative talk during the
Personifying the Inner Critic
00:23:26
Speaker
day instead of 80? Well, so the first thing we have to do is we have to identify that this, this voice is separate from our own, right? We have to separate it from our own voice that it's not Krista Jones saying these negative things about Krista Jones in her head.
00:23:38
Speaker
I'm not saying these things to myself. So you're saying we create a character. You create ah um ah a persona that ah has a look and a feel and a smell and a job and a a clothing accessory, whatever you want to call it.
00:23:56
Speaker
We create this character, this ah avatar, if you will, if you want to call it that for the millennials um inside your head. And name that person. Okay. So, you know, my next question is, so my who's yours? Oh, who's my saboteur? His name is Mike.
00:24:14
Speaker
This is legit. I swear to God, this is true. His name is Mike. And what what does Mike do? Mike is actually, he wears a letterman jacket all the time. He's ah he's a big, huge dude. He's got really broad shoulders and that's what he looks like. He's got like a buzz haircut.
00:24:30
Speaker
He wears jeans and sneakers all the time. And he's a really popular jock and he bullies me all the time. That's, that's Mike. That's raw.
00:24:41
Speaker
Yeah. That is raw. But that's who he is. Yeah. And that's who I have in my head. Yeah. That's your person. And that's the vision the vision, the visual that I have. Okay. So now when I hear negative self-talk, Tommy, you don't work hard enough at work.
00:24:54
Speaker
Or you're not putting up enough hours And you're called Tommy. or Or you're not doing this. Or you're not doing that. Or ah this isn't going right at home. Or your relationship is not doing okay with this thing.
00:25:05
Speaker
It's not not Tom Morrell saying that. It's Mike saying that to me. And if I look at Mike as a friend, right? Well, he's not much of a friend.
00:25:16
Speaker
He's talking to you like that. If we, if we true, but if, if I treat Mike like a friend, right. Talking about reframing here. Okay.
00:25:28
Speaker
So if Mike is a friend of mine and you got a lot going on, he's a friend of yours. That really sucks as a friend. I'm just saying, but go ahead.
00:25:38
Speaker
But he's telling me things that there's there's partial truths in there. Okay. Right? And these are hard truths to hear. Okay. But what is Mike really trying to say? Hey, listen, maybe you shouldn't goof off at work as often as you do.
00:25:54
Speaker
Maybe you should be more productive at home and your relationships will be better in that sense. Maybe you shouldn't waste your time on these other, you know, these other meaningless things in your life, or maybe you should not waste your time or whatever it is, right?
00:26:11
Speaker
Those are the things that he's really saying When he says the other things, the negative things, you're to this, you're to that. Hey, don't don't go apply for that job because you're probably you're you're probably not qualified for it.
00:26:26
Speaker
Well, what he's saying is, if you want to get that job, Tom, you got to get qualified for it. You got to figure out a way to get qualified for it. Okay. So one you're reframing Mike and his thoughts. 100%. Because Mike is mike my friend.
00:26:41
Speaker
He's trying to help me. His motivation is not negative. He doesn't want to hurt me. He's not a bully, right? He's a saboteur. He ends up sabotaging everything because I take what he's saying in a negative way. He's protecting me from harm.
00:26:57
Speaker
Okay. i'm He's an umbrella, right? He's protecting me from the rain, but I can't see the sunshine. But he's protecting me from rain. If you think about it that way. Okay. Okay. So he's he's got a positive intent.
00:27:09
Speaker
I got to find that positive intent and work with that. Okay. That's how I get it. That's how I personally, it's and I'm not saying this is easy by any stretch of the imagination, but that that tool has helped me a lot. So you're taking the negative thoughts that you are feeling about yourself. You're naming, right? This is a different persona. This is Mike.
00:27:32
Speaker
And you are then reframing and saying, I'm not even really hearing what he's saying. Like, this isn't really negative. Like, let me go through it. Yeah. Like, what are you trying to, what are you, what are you trying to tell me? It's like when you're, when you, when you're trying on dresses at, or you go to, you go to your shopping and you're, you're with your girlfriends or whatever, and you're trying on clothes and someone goes, ah,
00:27:52
Speaker
I don't know about those jeans, Krista. It's a little in the, you know, and right. I'm just saying in the end. Yeah. Right. yeah I have heard that plenty of times too. Is that negative? Yeah.
00:28:04
Speaker
Um, right. I guess, first of all, you it's how you, you frame it. Correct. So what are they really trying to say? Hey, Kristen, I don't think those pants work for you.
00:28:15
Speaker
Let's go find another pair of pants. They're not saying, oh, you're a fat, ugly slob in those pants. And that's the end of it. not They're not trying to be mean. They're pointing out something that is a hard truth to hear. Hey, those genes don't really look good on you. Maybe you can find another pair that are more flattering. Sure.
00:28:32
Speaker
But that last part is usually what's left off. Those those genes don't look really good on you. So you have a different persona that you work with and that's how you kind
Reframing Negative Self-Talk
00:28:43
Speaker
of, right? Identify.
00:28:44
Speaker
And yeah when I'm not, speak in these negative thoughts, you've named it. No, it's not me because I can't argue with myself. If it's me saying it, it's gotta be true. Duh. Right. Right.
00:28:55
Speaker
So if I have this other dude in my head, Who I've, again, it's more than just like, oh, it's another voice in my head. No, no. Give it a name. Give it a persona.
00:29:06
Speaker
Put a costume on it. Give that guy a job. What does he wear? What's his best? I told you, he's got a Letterman jacket. it's Oh, that's all he ever wears. It's the same. Okay. it's Because he's a jock. He peaked in high school. You know what mean? Those guys, right?
00:29:20
Speaker
You just insulted your saboteur. But we're buddies. We're we're good. We're cool. They have a weird relationship. Yeah. So, okay, for me, what i try to do is take this negative sentence, yeah right?
00:29:35
Speaker
And then i try, i i will write it down and then I will negate it. Like the negative sentence will be, Krista, you know, you're really not meant for this job, right? Like that will be the sentence. Like this week alone, like I probably 50 times said things like,
00:29:58
Speaker
You have no business. Well, did you say this or did your saboteur say this? Well, I didn't have a saboteur. I just had Krista Jones. Well, you have a saboteur. Right, but I haven't named them yet. I got i got to do some some work on that. So yes.
00:30:09
Speaker
So like at at some point I was like, you know, you have no business doing this event. It's not going to be as grandiose and great as you think. So then I really had to struggle with that all week. And I to say, well, you know, that's not true. And here's why that's not true. We with a small and mighty staff have gotten this done and we've done this. And so for me, I have to write it out. have look at the sentence and I really have to say, take your motion out of it.
00:30:34
Speaker
Is the sentence a hundred percent fact? There is some fact in the sentence because I am afraid. Cause you're afraid that you're going to have 20 people show up to this event. I mean, there is, you know, there's always things you can't control. Correct.
00:30:48
Speaker
But then I have to take that emotional piece out and I have to deal with the rest of the facts. So for me, that's how I do it. I'm like, what are really the facts in this? Cause lot of times I think we believe the emotion and then we completely discard the facts and that's the truth of the sentence. Yeah. Does make sense?
00:31:05
Speaker
Yeah. We let, we let the emotional part of it, uh, overtake us. Yeah. Which is scary. So I haven't been very successful with this in myself, but I'm trying to stop it in my kids.
00:31:17
Speaker
And Avery, you know, we've talked, she's very emotional. She's very empathic and, um, or empathetic. And one night she was laying in bed and she was like, mommy, I'm just so, I'm just so dumb. I'm not a good friend and, and I'm not doing good in school.
00:31:34
Speaker
And I looked at her i said, would you say that to your best friend? Would you say that to mommy? Would you say that that mommy, that I'm dumb or I'm not smart? And she went, no. I'm like, do you love me?
00:31:46
Speaker
Well, yeah, I love you. Do you love yourself? Yeah, I love myself. If you wouldn't say it to me, why are you saying it to yourself? Yeah. You know? And she was like, I wouldn't. I said, don't bully yourself because you wouldn't bully somebody else.
00:32:01
Speaker
Right. And you have to love yourself just as much as you love everybody else. And that's, that's the hard place to get to yeah is really loving yourself. Like if we peel off all of the layers, yeah do we really love ourselves?
00:32:13
Speaker
Well, and I think in that, in in what she what you're saying there is 100% right. the The one thing that I would add to that is, well, but why do you feel like you're dumb? Why do you feel like you're not a good friend?
00:32:26
Speaker
are you not Are you not helping people on the playground? Are you not doing well in school because you're not paying attention? Are you gabbing and in class? Are you passing notes? Like, What?
00:32:38
Speaker
Because there's something behind that. There's a fear. There's a there's a there's something behind that. There's a like I said, like I said, there's a little bit of truth. These things don't just come out of out of out of thin air.
00:32:49
Speaker
They're not great to hear. But is there something that maybe she's experiencing where she says, well, you know, maybe I'm not sharing with my friends at school or i'm I don't have time for my friends at school.
00:33:01
Speaker
Or maybe you make a C in math and you consider that dumb, but she's trying as hard as she can try, right? Like, right? So society also tells us, you know, what makes us dumb, what makes us smart, what makes us... yeah Like she she also, you know, may just think she's not hitting these benchmarks that everybody else is hitting. Because she has these higher expectations. Yeah, which is this comparison factor that we get ourselves into. So there's... So again, it's more than just like...
00:33:30
Speaker
discounting what the negative is coming from. And that's where I think, like I said, what, what works for me is this, is having this mic in my head. He's not there to hurt me because it's me.
00:33:42
Speaker
He's me, right? We're brothers. He's in my head. He's separate from me, but we're the same person.
00:33:50
Speaker
What is he really trying to say? What is he protecting me from? And if you're like, cause as parents, we're all parents. We want to protect our kids from, from everything. Right? So we don't let them play football.
00:34:02
Speaker
We don't let them do this, or we don't allow them to do that. But what are, what can we still let them do those things? And, calm our fears about the things that we're really afraid of.
00:34:14
Speaker
What are we really, I'm not afraid of my kid playing football. He's going to have fun playing football. What I'm afraid of is he's going to get injured. That's what I'm afraid of. Right. So when I tell my son, hey you're not allowed to play football.
00:34:26
Speaker
It's not because I hate football. It's because I don't want you to get hurt. And if we can frame that negative self-talk from Mike, well you know from our saboteur, if we can reframe it into, well, what are you protecting me from?
00:34:41
Speaker
You're telling me this negative thing and it's meant to protect me from something. What are you protecting me from? If we can reframe it that way, we're going to be in a whole lot of better spots. Sure, because we realize that a lot of what we're afraid of is irrational, right? Yeah.
00:34:57
Speaker
There's a part of it that's irrational. Yeah. But part of it is rational. There is a, again, there's an element to it that is true. And what is it really, like you said, with this event that went great, by the way, a week later when this airs, the, the gala is a huge event for you guys.
00:35:14
Speaker
There's a lot of pressure on you to make this a successful event. Those things that your inner saboteur is saying is nobody's going to show up. Now you can reframe that and go, you know what? You're right. That may happen.
00:35:27
Speaker
How do I make sure that people actually show up? Sure. Hey, you're not going to raise your, your enough money for this. You know what? You're right. I may not raise it. How do i make sure that we do raise enough money?
00:35:40
Speaker
Hey, the food's going to be cold or not going to show up You're right. How do I make? So you see what I mean? Where you can reframe that negative self-talk into, hey, you're not you're not qualified for this job, Krista. This isn't the right job for you.
00:35:51
Speaker
You know what? you might you're You're right. I might not be. What do I need to do to make sure that I am? Right. And that's where that negative self-talk, you use it as feedback instead of as a punch to the face. Right.
00:36:05
Speaker
Does help? That helps tremendously. i mean, that's true. Right. i think that's what it is. We can consider negative self-talk as the truth. And that's the stopping point. Right. But it's not, it's the, it's the start of a conversation right with your mic, whoever it is, have a conversation with that guy and go, i hear what you're saying.
00:36:27
Speaker
What are you, what are you really trying to tell me? Dig a little deeper. Hey, this event is going to suck. Why do you think it's going say, well, because we're not going to raise enough money. Help me, Mike.
00:36:38
Speaker
Help me figure out how we're going to raise enough money. Right. Help me figure out how we're going get enough food here and how we're going to fit 200 people and into this tent and how we're going to have a good time. Help me figure it out.
00:36:49
Speaker
And then that's when the next character comes in. Who is? Your inner captain.
00:36:57
Speaker
I know it sounds funny. It doesn't I promise you. So inner captain is is a good guy. He's the good guy. And your inner captain has a name? Or she or it. But I don't, this is it this is what we call in the business, we call the tease.
00:37:11
Speaker
Let's do that for another episode. Is the inner captain. Oh. Yeah. Are we going to at least know your inner captain's name? Did you name your inner captain? Oh, yeah. Go ahead. um You got to listen to the next episode.
00:37:23
Speaker
Oh, my God. Thelma. It's a tease. You got to tune in next week. It is a tease. Or later on somewhere down the road. my gosh. So we're not going to know the, all right, well, so hopefully we left you with at least enough tools that you can kind of get yourself out of this, right?
Challenging Negative Voices
00:37:40
Speaker
Because the end of the day, the invisible bully thrives in all of us. I think we all have a saboteur. It convinces us that we're not good enough. We're not smart enough. We're not qualified enough.
00:37:51
Speaker
The truth though is you are not that voice that says that you are unworthy. If you're listening, You have the power to talk back to that voice, to rewrite that voice, to reframe that voice, to replace that cruelty with some compassion. Figure out what the little bit of truth is in that and get rid of the negative.
00:38:15
Speaker
You've survived every single day with that voice whispering in your head. But imagine what it would look like if you just stopped listening and just focused your energy on peace. Because the invisible saboteur, it's only strong when it stays invisible.
00:38:33
Speaker
So drag it out into the light, name it, and get rid of it. Sparrowsnestcharity.org. Go to the website and tune in next week or maybe the week after when we talk about our inner captain.
00:38:48
Speaker
Until then, be kind to yourself and each other.