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I've Got 99 Problems, 90 of Them Are Made Up in My Head
50 Plays17 days ago
Your brain loves a good disaster movie — and sometimes it casts you in the starring role. A late text reply? Suddenly your relationship is over. A headache? Must be a brain tumor. A mistake at work? Clearly the end of your career. Sound familiar? That’s catastrophizing.
In this episode of Exhausted Sparrows Unite, we’re diving deep into why our minds default to worst-case scenarios, how catastrophizing keeps us stuck in stress mode, and—most importantly—how to quiet that inner alarm bell.
We’ll talk about:
- Why catastrophizing is a survival instinct gone rogue
- The everyday ways it shows up in relationships, parenting, health, and work
- The hidden cost of living in “apocalypse mode”
- Practical tools to break the spiral and reclaim your peace
If you’ve ever turned a stubbed toe into the end of the world in your head, this episode is for you. Let’s laugh, get honest, and learn how to stop letting imaginary disasters steal our energy.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Exhausted Sparrows Unite'
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I'm your host, Krista Jones, with my co-host, Chantel Schaefer. And we are like almost 50 episodes into this crazy thing that we call our podcast.
00:00:17
Speaker
And really, it's all about absorbing who you really are, being vulnerable. And let's be honest, we're all kind of messy.
Understanding Catastrophizing
00:00:24
Speaker
Today, we're going to be talking about how sometimes your brain can turn the tiniest things into an absolute disaster, right? Like you send a text to somebody and they don't reply right away and suddenly you're convinced they hate you.
00:00:38
Speaker
Or, you know, you're destined to live alone with six cats that don't even like you. Like you can really spiral completely out of control. That my friends is catastrophe.
00:00:51
Speaker
Taking the catastrophe and catastrophizing it. It's actually a mental habit. It's grabbing a little problem, running full speed ahead into this worst case scenario. And if you've ever found yourself three steps away from doomsday while standing in Target, this, my friend, is the episode for you. Today, we're going to unpack why our brains do it, how it drains us, and how we can stop it from ruining our lives.
00:01:18
Speaker
And Chantal Schaefer the entire time says, yes, this is me. I've got the shirt for the episode already in my head. I'm ready. What is it? I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason. That is the t-shirt of the episode.
00:01:39
Speaker
I can't wait till we have our own shop. We are going to sell out really, really quickly. yeah Sorry, I had your headphones too, that didn't I? She's grimacing. I'm like, why grimacing a whole lot of me in my head.
00:01:51
Speaker
a whole lot of me in my head, which you should embrace, absorb, self-love. Unless we're catastrophizing. Oh my gosh. I can't even say the word more than once. I have to slow it down and try to say it.
00:02:03
Speaker
I'm just going to say catastrophe. there are two different things. One is a ah noun and one is an action. Like, right. Catastrophizing is an action. Catastrophizing. And it's a real thing.
00:02:16
Speaker
Like I was talking to Chantel about this because we're always like thinking of
Science Behind Catastrophizing
00:02:20
Speaker
these podcast ideas and I'm telling her a story last week and she's like, I feel like you, you know, you doomsdayed this. And I'm like, what? what is that called?
00:02:28
Speaker
So I looked it all up. I started doing all of this research and I'm like, wow, I've got a story for like every single segment, every single possible thing that I can envision going wrong. i do. And then it never does.
00:02:41
Speaker
So like really like, what is it? All right. So let's talk about what it is because people are are listening in and they're like, I don't even know if I can relate to this. And I'm telling you right now you are not telling the truth if this does not apply to you in some place in your life. There's like a million segments.
00:02:56
Speaker
It is actually a cognitive, like, distortion. It is a mental habit where your brain jumps to the worst possible outcome ever. And we all do it in some part of our life.
00:03:10
Speaker
I've learned off air that Chantel says she does it Stop pointing at Stop pointing at me. I'm feeling seen. So the science behind this is that it actually triggers your brain's fear center.
00:03:27
Speaker
Sometimes that's hard to control. It floods your system with cortisol and adrenaline, which is what I live on. But like not in this case, like... This is probably not the extreme you want to live on, but I love cortisol. Like I love all that stuff.
00:03:41
Speaker
But this is really when um the danger, it is imaginary, but you have made it into so much that that to you, like it it feels real. You've just slid out of control, right?
00:03:54
Speaker
It's like your brain is a Netflix producer and it's like constantly pitch pitching like disaster movies, right? Like hear me out. Like you're walking along the sidewalk and then you trip and then now you're bankrupt because of it because you've lost your job and your husband divorced you. and You know what i mean? It's like that spiral.
00:04:12
Speaker
Wait, all of that happened because you tripped on the sidewalk? That's what I'm saying. That is what catastrophizing things do It is things that really don't make any logical sense
Impact on Relationships and Social Media
00:04:23
Speaker
to anyone except you when you're in the middle of it.
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah. And it's hard to have a conversation with somebody who doesn't know what you're talking about. Like if I try to tell my husband like, but what if this and what if this? He's like, can we just wait and see?
00:04:40
Speaker
Before we start, right you know, right thinking the worst case scenario scenario. But he does it. We all do it just in different segments of um of our life. So like i want to run through some of them because i will tell you the segment that I do it all the time in is personal relationships.
00:04:57
Speaker
Things like text messages. Like if I text you and you've read it and then you don't reply to it and it's something like, you know, that needs a reply back or whatever, I send you like a funny joke and you don't.
00:05:14
Speaker
say anything about the joke. I'm spiraling. I'm like, oh my gosh, the joke wasn't funny. Chantel is a fat. I mean, you can never offend Chantel, but Chantel is offended. Oh my gosh, she's not going to want to be my friend anymore. We were supposed to go to the movies next week, which means now we're not going to go. And I don't have any other friends and I'm going to go into a depression.
00:05:33
Speaker
i don't have the money to pay a therapist. Like it is just this awful spiral because I am catastrophizing the entire situation. That's not good for your health.
00:05:45
Speaker
Well, it's not, but don't even pretend like you don't do that. I do. A little bit, right? I saw a meme the other day and it was this like blue monster and he sends a text and it goes, okay, there, I sent it. And the brain goes, and now we wait.
00:05:57
Speaker
And the monster goes, well, it's only been two minutes. And the brain goes, they hate us. Yes. That is exactly what it is. it it in it it shows up a lot in our relationships. It shows up on our social media, you know, like um not as much for me at my age, but a lot for my kids.
00:06:17
Speaker
If people aren't liking their Instagram or their, you know, why don't you like me? This person doesn't like me. They normally like my stuff. They're not liking my stuff. They must be mad at me. Like it's a whole...
00:06:28
Speaker
I don't even know what to say, but but it is really like a Netflix original series in your brain. And I feel like it's gotten so much worse with the advent of technology and social media where everything is immediate. Everything is quick.
00:06:40
Speaker
You know, that text message is in that other person's hands in seconds and you're expecting a response in seconds. You know, 15, 20 years ago, you made a phone call. You don't know when you were expecting a phone call back.
00:06:52
Speaker
Right. You know, so I feel like it's it's created this hyper vigilance. Sure. In us that, you know, they're not responding immediately. There must be something wrong. And then an hour later you're getting, oh, sorry, I was in the shower. And then you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so silly.
00:07:06
Speaker
But you repeat it the very next day. but that's what it is. And because really, if if we think this through, nobody can be immediate all the time in their responses. So of course there's going to be this lag, but we are in a world where responses are immediate. Everything is immediate in this world.
00:07:23
Speaker
And that is what I think has really made this whole medical condition even worse. And on the other side of it, because I think that way, that if you don't respond immediately, that it causes me to have to be hyper responsive.
00:07:38
Speaker
Like I need to respond to you immediately. So you don't think that there's something wrong or that I'm mad at you or that I'm shirking you.
Health Anxiety and Catastrophizing
00:07:46
Speaker
So it goes both ways. Yeah. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted just by you explaining it Right. Right.
00:07:52
Speaker
Yeah, it is though, but it happens in our personal relationships all the time. It happens to me almost on a daily basis. We've talked in other episodes like about being an empath and things like that.
00:08:04
Speaker
So I'm reading into these situations as an empath-like person. wow, you could have read that sentence this way instead of this way. Now it's no longer funny. And that means that they're probably thinking this, which leads to this because that's what we're doing, right? And then our brain is trying to protect us.
00:08:23
Speaker
Our brain is going, you know, like you're trying to get three steps ahead of the problem you created that isn't even a problem, but you're trying to get ahead of it. So when this person finally writes you back or never writes you again because they don't want to speak to you,
00:08:37
Speaker
You've got like this whole dialogue and these things you can say as to what you really Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. It's a whole thing. But, you know, it doesn't just happen in our personal life. know It happens in lots of different areas.
00:08:51
Speaker
Like medically. Like let's talk about WebMD. And not even necessarily WebMD. I mean, that one's not bad. But, i mean, let's talk about the fact that you can Google anything and everything now.
00:09:06
Speaker
And now we're at a point where when you have a headache, uh-oh. It's no longer a headache. It is another way that this whole social connection that we have can be really, really dangerous.
00:09:21
Speaker
So before, if we had a headache, your mom said, oh, you have a headache. And then you just took some Advil and then you're like, I guess i have a headache because you weren't able at your fingertips to be researching.
00:09:32
Speaker
The headache is in the left lobe of the front of my brain, which means, oh my gosh, there's a tumor there. Like, like, right. You can also in the medical world go into this spiral. And now we have the danger of, you know, half the stuff on the internet isn't even true. It's not even right. It's not even backed scientifically.
00:09:54
Speaker
So, you know, you're reading Reddit. I'm sorry, Reddit, but you are. And all these people in all of their educational background, which is preschool teacher, who's now telling you, you have a brain tuber and it's spread into your liver.
00:10:06
Speaker
You know, I see this a lot on social media in like moms groups. um
Family Dynamics and Parenting
00:10:11
Speaker
To me, now doctors are sending you lab results before they actually meet with you about your lab results.
00:10:17
Speaker
Good point. And it mean it's it's causing this panic in people. And they're coming to social media and they're posting their lab results and going, what does this mean? Am I sick? Am I dying? Am I...
00:10:28
Speaker
and it You're asking, a you're asking the wrong person. You're asking many of the wrong people, let's be honest. My friend group, forget it. I feel i feel doctors should be having that conversation with you before you get, because i've it happens to me where I have a sister who's a doctor, so I'm like, oh, what does this mean? And she's usually like, it means absolutely nothing, chill.
00:10:49
Speaker
by that But it's a double-edged sword, I think, in the medical field because, right, they're bombarded an hour, a day, two days after all of these tests are done. They're bombarded by these patients saying, so what's going on? Why haven't I got my test results? Right? The the immediate thing.
00:11:05
Speaker
So they're like, all right, well, you know, we'll at least get them up. But then you run into those other problems because there are people going... You know, because these medical terms sound awful.
00:11:16
Speaker
And it's like, oh that was, you know, like an infection in in my big toe. But, you know, it's like a 58 letter word. That's like four syllables. And I'm like, gosh, do they have to amputate?
00:11:28
Speaker
Like, what does that mean? Yeah. It's scary. And so you, you, you get that whole thing too. You know, um, it happened to me years ago. I had this issue going on. If you've heard any of our episodes in the past, there was one that we were doing kind of just talking about fight or flight. We were talking about friendships and I was saying i was having a really rough time. There was just a group of girls.
00:11:51
Speaker
Girls are mean even in their forties. I'm sorry to say it like, um, be careful who you surround yourself with. But there was a group of girls that like started like a whole Facebook group about me and there was some icky things in there.
00:12:04
Speaker
And um I started having issues swallowing and I was dragging my right foot. And, you know, you don't want to look that up. And I have lesions on my brain because they did ah CAT scan MRI, whichever one they do for brain.
00:12:22
Speaker
don't know. I'm not sure. Sorry. But um I have lesions. So um they immediately said to me, you know, we need to look at ALS because, you know, you're having problems swallowing. And I was like, oh my gosh, because you don't want to hear that. Absolutely not. You don't want to hear that. Nope.
00:12:39
Speaker
Like that's, that's one of my biggest fears. You just, you just don't want to hear that. yeah And then, you know, they said, well, you know, maybe Lyme disease, you know, so like they're throwing all of these things out and I'm like,
00:12:50
Speaker
I literally was Chantel. I was like, I have ALS. Oh my gosh, I have two years. Like, I really was. i was convinced. I was like, how am I going to live these last two years?
00:13:02
Speaker
That is not even enough time for me to, you know, get my babies ready. They were young kids. Like, I literally was on a spiral out of control because my brain was trying to protect me and get ready for that diagnosis because I had had some symptoms and I looked it up myself.
00:13:18
Speaker
It wasn't just the doctor saying, you know, we need to see MS. Like they were giving me some pretty crazy stuff. And at the end of the day, it ended up being stress. It ended up being stress. Like when they went through everything and they did all of these tests and then they started asking me personal questions.
00:13:35
Speaker
They were like, hi that is like high level stress. You just started a charity. You're feeding cancer patients. People don't like you. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I was like, really? They were like, yeah. And then it was okay, but it was one of the worst spirals of my whole life to think, oh my gosh, this is the diagnosis and our cancer patients every single day get these diagnoses and my heart goes out to them. Because whether it is a stage zero breast cancer diagnosis or a pancreatic diagnosis, it really doesn't matter.
00:14:08
Speaker
The spiral that can create because you're doing your own research, you're looking into things that may not even scientifically be true online. And, you know, you're talking to your friends. Like, ick.
00:14:20
Speaker
And you're comparing your situation to other people's. And you're unique. No two journeys are the same. No, but that is what we do.
Healthy Preparedness vs. Harmful Catastrophizing
00:14:29
Speaker
So we're going to get to a point in this episode where we're going to give you guys some tools that I honestly, when I kind of went through some of this, because that's what we try to do here.
00:14:38
Speaker
We try to talk about it. and tell you how really in our life it's messy and it's happened. But then we also try to give you some things that like could calm this down and could help you and divert.
00:14:49
Speaker
And when I was looking at this last week, I was like, I really wish I would have known some of these because, you know, we really can get ourselves in a really bad mental place that then leads to to to so many other issues.
00:15:03
Speaker
So we talk about relationships and how we can dramatize that. We talk about medically how a headache can now be a brain tumor. You know, what about parenting?
00:15:14
Speaker
You know, even in our parenting, I feel because of our love for our children, right I feel when you love something so much, you love your life, you love your family, you love your relationships with your friends.
00:15:31
Speaker
I feel that anything that you love so passionately, that is the stuff that is under fire and that is the stuff that you catastrophize, right? Yeah. Parenting is a big one.
00:15:44
Speaker
You know, just,
00:15:47
Speaker
ah you know, when my kids started driving, Chantal, I know you're not there yet. I have anxiety about that now. And my kid is five years off from even getting a permit. And you know, can't even.
00:15:59
Speaker
Right. But you know, when you were a teenager, like I was like, Oh my gosh, mom, why do I have to be home at eight? You know, we couldn't call them then they couldn't track us then. And honestly, maybe that was a better thing. I don't know.
00:16:11
Speaker
ah But you know, I was like, oh and now like, you know, I'm in that with my girls. My girls are older. They're in their twenties and But, you know, they're now driving from Ithaca home and like all of these places home.
00:16:22
Speaker
And it's crazy that, you know, you... Just recently, I had a, whatever, my my kids all have curfews. It's a thing in my house. My 24-year-old does not like that.
00:16:34
Speaker
You're not allowed to stay overnight at anybody's house. You live with me. You got to be home. You may be able to come home at two, but you got to be home. And you know, she was late coming home. And immediately I go to things like she was wanting to Uber home and I told her she shouldn't. Did she end up Ubering and not go home with her friend Katie?
00:16:51
Speaker
Is she now somewhere in 84 being kidnapped and taken to a foreign country? The things that we do even with our own kids, and I think that's because of the love we have for our kids. Like, we can we can get into dark places really quick.
00:17:04
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Not just when they're teenagers. I catastrophize my death. So, like, when I travel without my children, i have this constant anxiety of of dying and leaving them without a mother.
00:17:19
Speaker
Like i went to I went to Las Vegas to run a half marathon and we went to the um the Grand Canyon and I had i actually had nightmares for days leading up to this trip where somebody was gonna push me off the edge of the Grand Canyon and I wasn't gonna make it home to my kids.
00:17:35
Speaker
And I didn't sleep for days. and That's just this fear that I have is leaving my kids without a mother. And let me ask you, because you're a very organized person, did you have things in place back at home because you thought something might happen? So funny story. We went to Alaska a few years ago. I remember that. Beautiful pictures, by the way. We left documentation stating our wishes in a safe in the advent. Then something happened to the both of us.
00:18:04
Speaker
So, okay. Catastrophizing. I'm not even saying that right, am I? I think you are. okay isn't necessarily a bad thing
Professional Life and Mental Health
00:18:13
Speaker
always. It also could be a level of preparedness because you are thinking of the worst, but we hear all the time people that, you know, don't have wills, don't have wishes, don't have.
00:18:24
Speaker
So, you know, there is some healthy things to that. You losing sleep for three days thinking somebody was pushing you off that cliff, not so healthy. But you and your husband going away saying, you know, chances are very minimal that anything's going to happen to me. But if it does, having something in place, like I find that responsible.
00:18:44
Speaker
I don't think that that's the end of the world in those kind of situations. And I think really, right, at the end of the day, that's what we have to weigh. Yeah, it's a balance. Right. Like, are we overdoing it? I mean, the chances of somebody pushing you off that cliff were even less.
00:18:58
Speaker
It kept me very far away from the edge. Yeah. And maybe there was something to that too. Maybe you were supposed to know that you weren't supposed to be at the edge. I mean, I also believe in signs and all of these great things too. And, you know, maybe that could be another podcast one day because I believe you're being talked to. So maybe there was a reason you weren't supposed to go near the edge. Maybe.
00:19:18
Speaker
And I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here too. The Grand Canyon was amazing though and And were you still able to get the full feel without going to the edge of it? Oh, sure.
00:19:28
Speaker
It's a big hole in the ground. Yeah, it really You can see it from far away. Yeah, I don't know that I'd have to get that close. I wouldn't go in over that glass floored observation room i wouldn't you can oh you could have gone on glass yeah you can walk out over the the canyon oh glass floored walk no my dad was up there and he was like woohoo and i was like see ya no not a chance and then on youtube and on all these things do you see where like it cracks protect like oh it's fake cracking who is the masochistic person that that did that that's awful
00:20:04
Speaker
I don't, yeah, I'd need a change of pants. But see, Krista Jones would not even, I know me, I'm not even going on that class so that I can talk about my dad. Like, like I will spiral before even get the class. I, along with Chantal, will be like, I can see great from here. Yep.
00:20:20
Speaker
A hundred feet away. Everything is good. So when you're, you know, making all of this crazy stuff up in your head, you've got relationships, right? Now you have no friends because they're not writing you back and you have medical that, you know, headache is a brain tumor and parenting. Like you think these worst case scenarios, like I'm in target, you know, and I'm calling my kid and she's not answering. I mean, that happened to me like two weeks ago and my kids are in their twenties and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's right by the the front of the mall. Like,
00:20:48
Speaker
You have all this parenting stuff and you you have your career stuff. Like that's a whole nother area that you really can spiral in.
00:20:59
Speaker
You know, we had someone that worked here a couple years ago and she had sent out an email with attachments that she shouldn't.
00:21:15
Speaker
I mean, pretty, you know, Oh, pretty crazy attachments that probably shouldn't have gone out to anyone. And honestly, she, by the time I got in her room, because she wanted to talk to me about it, she had pretty much packed her bags and she was pretty much leaving because she had already in her head worked out that her career was over.
00:21:40
Speaker
And, you know, it wasn't, it was a mistake, but, you know, i was like, okay, I could have done that. Anybody could have done that. We need to encrypt this. We need to lock this up more so we can't make that mistake.
00:21:52
Speaker
But in our careers, I feel sometimes, you know, we'll send out that email too quick, like half written. Or we send out, you know, the attach. How many times this week, Chantel, did I go, sorry, no attachment.
00:22:08
Speaker
You know what I mean? And, um you know, I think sometimes we spiral with that kind of stuff as well. I sent out an email last week and all it said was congratulations, doctor. You did. And i had to write back and be like, sorry, I got a little rezealous on the send button there.
00:22:23
Speaker
You did. a hundred percent. And you got to kind of make a joke of it. Well, yeah. You know, I think if it had happened last year with the first gala and was my first go around, I probably would have felt more nervous about it. But, you know.
00:22:37
Speaker
And I think it's who you work with too. You've got to know like your audience, like it's who your leaders are in your departments and you know, are like, are they really hard on you? Like, do they understand mistakes? ah You know? So I think that all comes into play, but, and it also depends, like, do you, you know, you, you count on this job and you're in a ah desperate situation where you really need this job and now you're worried. I mean, I think,
00:23:05
Speaker
The career, there's a lot that goes on with that. Calling people the wrong names. I once, when I DJed, called a bride.
00:23:15
Speaker
I did on the microphone. I like said Kathy instead of Karen. Oh. oh Yep. And then i did some fast thinking. I think I got out of it. i don't even really know.
00:23:32
Speaker
And I think she was still okay at the end. But like, there are things. And really, I did. The entire wedding was ruined for me because of that. And I mean, ever yeah we're all human.
00:23:45
Speaker
I mean, we are, but that was a pretty big oopsie. And sometimes you just, you can't get out of it You own it. You own it. and And then you move on. Yep. Right?
00:23:56
Speaker
So by having these crazy thoughts that we're having, we've kind of already, you know, talked a little bit about this. um It leads to anxiety and depression. Like there really is a link with that. People that have anxiety disorders actually have a lot of that because they catastrophize. Right?
00:24:14
Speaker
That is why they're depressed. That is why they're anxious. perfect Perfect people, perfectionism, those people a lot of times have this catastrophe type syndrome because everything should be perfect and they can't let go of any of that.
Roots of Catastrophizing
00:24:30
Speaker
So everything then ends up being an issue because what are the odds you're getting it perfect every time, right? Absolutely. And then trauma, and like even things from our childhood or or sudden loss, um betrayal, illness, all of that, the brain then all of a sudden is like on high alert.
00:24:49
Speaker
Like if you're betrayed, you're never really right. You're just never really serene. You're on edge now. So because you're betrayed, i lost a very good friend.
00:25:01
Speaker
um Not through betrayal. Really, I'm not sure why um But we had such a a beautiful friendship for like 20 years. And so it absolutely kind of puts me on edge now. And I never really know where I stand with people. So with any and every friendship, I am kind of like, I do love you, but I don't know you're in 20 years from now, you won't leave me.
00:25:26
Speaker
yeah You won't just get up. You won't. And so you do kind of go to these worst case scenarios when you've had worst case scenarios, when there's illnesses, when there's cancer, when there's when there's all these things and somebody passes away from that, right? Your brain automatically goes there then with almost any medical condition.
00:25:43
Speaker
So like, these are all things why we do it. And you know, this flight or fight, we talk about it in a lot of different podcasts, but It's our ancestors. You know, I'm sure in the caveman times, dinosaurs. And I mean, I don't even know what was happening.
00:25:57
Speaker
Like, think about that. They had to always be on. They were always stimulated. They were always expecting the worst to happen. And all of that kind of, we don't have those constant trigger alerts, but...
00:26:10
Speaker
Our brains really haven't evolved past it. Like it's kind of like we're born with it. We're born with a fight or flight, which can come in handy, but sometimes we overuse it and everything is like, oh my gosh.
00:26:23
Speaker
Yeah. It works against us. Catastrophe. And so it shows up in a lot of different ways. You know, we talked about parenting and work and like all of these these different ways that you can get it.
00:26:33
Speaker
And there's like a huge cost to it. So the physical cost, you know, we've been talking about and that can be depression, depression, Um, that is also, you know, a state of exhaustion if you live in that, because i made, you know, I kind of made light of it earlier on. I love cortisol. I love adrenaline because I've got a lot to do in the day, but honestly being in that state,
00:26:59
Speaker
24 hours a day. um you can't do it. You have sleep issues. crash Yeah. You know, it ah it affects your sleep. Um, it affects your stomach. It affects so many different things in your life because your brain is always going.
00:27:14
Speaker
And then there's like an emotional cost to that because you can't ever have peace. You can't ever have calm. And then, well, what does that do? Think about what that does to your relationships.
Costs of a Catastrophizing Mindset
00:27:26
Speaker
Yeah. Right. Because now you are projecting fear onto other people. Right. And it strains, i think, connections because now because somebody has hurt me or betrayed me or there was an illness and somebody died, you know, as a result of that.
00:27:47
Speaker
I don't fully trust you. You're sensing that as my friend or as somebody that is sick in my life. You're not sensing that I'm there for you a hundred percent because i am already thinking the worst.
00:27:58
Speaker
It is putting a strain on on our relationships. And for us, we then avoid opportunities. Like we avoid things that we should be doing because we're convinced it's going to end in failure.
00:28:14
Speaker
It's going to end and it's going to be a worst case scenario. I, um, I, am my local church, um, Valley Church, um, you know, it was really interesting or years ago, he was doing a sermon on anxiety and I was like, oh my goodness, it really hit home.
00:28:34
Speaker
He was saying, you know, the average person takes a problem, a relatively severe problem that you might be having. Like, um, ah whatever that looks like. You have a deadline and you don't feel prepared for it. You have a test that's coming up and if you don't pass it, you're not gonna pass the class.
00:28:49
Speaker
And we will dwell on that for somewhere between two to three straight days, like a 48 to 72 hour cycle as we're leading up to it. And in our head, we've gone through all the worst case scenarios, right?
00:29:04
Speaker
So we've strained relationships over the three days. We're physically exhausted. We're emotionally exhausted. And he said, you know, in only like 1% of the cases, does that actually turn out?
00:29:19
Speaker
the way that you've predicted it. Like you are predicting things in your head that logically cannot even logically happen. You would be the most unlucky person on the face of this earth to have all of the things that you have now made up and imagine actually happening to you and cause this catastrophe.
00:29:38
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, how many times? And then i'm like, oh, that was nothing. Yeah. You know, I forget to, we have a ah farm to table gala coming up. It is sold out, but you guys should still go on our website. It's very cool. Sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:29:53
Speaker
um You know, and I think it was last year of the year before, I completely forgot to invite two people together. And i was like, oh my gosh. It's like two weeks before the gala.
00:30:04
Speaker
It was like this huge donor. It was somebody that there is no way I should have forgotten this. This is like the kind of stuff that people people can be like, I will never support you again.
00:30:16
Speaker
i mean, it kept me up. I was so upset. I ended up, I didn't even know I was going to write a letter. I felt, oh my gosh, I just have to call them. Like I spent three days because I was sick to my stomach, how to handle it.
00:30:27
Speaker
When I physically called her, she laughed and she's like, oh my gosh, we would love to be there. Thank you for inviting me. Like a week before the gala, an obvious afterthought, obviously on my end, I'm owning up to it, right?
00:30:40
Speaker
And she was like, Krista, you have so, like, it's okay. Okay. And I was like, I spent three days crying over this. I am five pounds thinner. I like that part of it. But, but like I have been an emotional wreck in my head. I'm exhausted.
00:30:54
Speaker
And oh my gosh, that's she was like, it's okay. I know you're busy. We're not busy next week. Thank you so much. And that's usually how it goes. It is. We usually make it so big in our own heads and then it's nothing.
00:31:07
Speaker
And then if it really is something, sometimes you should evaluate that. Right? Right? Like if people can't understand, like, you know, you're human and really hold you against the fire to that.
00:31:17
Speaker
Sometimes, sometimes you deserve it hundred percent, but sometimes you have to say, wow, like you're really not letting that go. And I really didn't mean to do that. So like that whole anxiety that we create is a really interesting thing, right?
00:31:31
Speaker
And by catastrophizing it, we think it's protecting us. It's not, it's it's actually robbing us. And I think that's really what we need to think about. We are wasting real energy,
00:31:44
Speaker
unimaginary situations, right? Unimaginary disasters, on all these things that we think that this could be. And then when real challenges come, now we're burned out. Now we can't even face those because now we don't know what's real and what's not real. And, you know, oh, well, this didn't pan out this way, so I'm not going to really care about this. But You know what i mean?
00:32:03
Speaker
We have enough real challenges in our life that we do need to be mentally ready for. So like we really have to let the small stuff, the stubbing of the toe that has now led us to believe death is at our doorstep go because how are we going to deal with the things that are truly important?
00:32:22
Speaker
I am so overwhelmed. Everything you just said. Oh, no. No, it's just so much because I realized that I do this so much more than I thought I
Recognizing and Changing Catastrophizing Thoughts
00:32:33
Speaker
did.
00:32:33
Speaker
Yeah. And how do we not do it? The average person spends 38 minutes out of their day doing it every day. 38 minutes on something.
00:32:46
Speaker
and Just one thing. Something. And if you're only up for me, eight hours. No, I'm just kidding. I'm up for a little more. a Liar. You lie. 38 minutes is a lot of time. That is a lot of time to spend on worrying about fictional situations.
00:33:00
Speaker
So you brought up a good point. Like, what do we do? And first of all, you you just said it, really. You have to be aware of it. So now you're aware that there might be times in your day. So you need to be aware of it and you need to name it.
00:33:12
Speaker
You need to say, oh, I'm catastrophizing. This is not the truth. I'm catastrophizing. I'm predicting the future. When i have no business doing that, because I'm not going to be right.
00:33:25
Speaker
If I was, I'd be making a lot of money right now. Let's be honest. None of us can do this. think you You don't have a crystal ball? I don't a crystal ball. You can write it down and journal. I'm not a great journaler.
00:33:36
Speaker
I think it's because I have this attention deficit disorder. But if you like to journal and that helps you, you should write it down. You should write down every time this comes up. My gosh, I lose half hour of every day.
00:33:49
Speaker
Then you should test yourself. So go through the steps. um I wrote to Chantel a joke that I thought was funny and she didn't answer me back.
00:34:00
Speaker
Oh my gosh, she probably hates me. All right. She's not answering you back and maybe she did find it offensive. Okay. What's the worst thing if she found it offensive? Okay. Well, if she found it offensive, she might not talk to me.
00:34:14
Speaker
Okay. And if Chantal doesn't talk to you, is that a deal breaker in the friendship? Are you going to be able to reach out to her and reconnect? So the thing is, you now got to like run through it.
00:34:25
Speaker
What really is the worst thing? You have a headache and you think it's going to be a brain tumor. All right, well, you have a headache. Do you have other signs? Is there anything else that has changed? Did you just go to the doctor?
00:34:36
Speaker
Has anybody told you something's going on? If something were going on, what is the worst thing that could happen? All right, medically, do you have to do more testing? Yes.
00:34:47
Speaker
So, you know, sometimes if you're the kind of person that's like, well, I can't believe this is fake. Something might happen. Okay. Okay. Go through it then. What is the absolute worst thing? 90% of the time, it's not going to be a disaster, right?
00:35:02
Speaker
Even if you run through all the logical steps, if you stub your toe and then you fall. Are you really going to break your leg? And if you do break your leg, is your husband really going to leave you? Probably not. Are you going to be able to work? Yeah. Six weeks later, once you get your cast, like work through that and then flip the script. Right?
00:35:20
Speaker
So what is the best case scenario that can come out of this? That is what got me when I was reading through this. Like, oh my gosh, that's what I should be doing. So i didn't invite those people to the gala that really should have been there.
00:35:35
Speaker
Best case scenario was they'd give me grace. Best case scenario would have been like, Krista, it's really okay. Best case scenario would have been like, Krista, call them right now because you know you've done it.
00:35:46
Speaker
Don't even think it through. Call them right now. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Hey guys, I'm so sorry. I should have emailed you a couple weeks ago. I want you to be at the gala. So sorry I didn't think of it.
00:35:58
Speaker
And assume that they're really going to be okay. Flip the script. What if my boss didn't reply because they're actually happy with what I did? What if Chantel didn't reply to my text message because she really was in the shower?
00:36:13
Speaker
What if she's eating dinner and I'm disrupting family time? Stop texting her six times, Krista. Let her make her mashed potatoes. It can wait. And then shrink the problem.
00:36:24
Speaker
Break it down step by step, right? So like instead of saying, oh my gosh, I'm going to fail at this and then I'm gonna be homeless. I'm losing my career. Maybe you can say, okay, so what is my next step? If I'm not going to make this deadline, what else can I do to get closer to the deadline? Like how can I pivot? What can I do next?
00:36:43
Speaker
Not like, oh my gosh, this isn't going the way I want it. I'm obviously going to fail. Like maybe don't go to disaster immediately. Because there's a million other steps in between you not getting something right or, you know, your child
Support Systems and Perspective
00:36:58
Speaker
not coming home. Like there's a million steps for the reasons that your child is not home at midnight to being kidnapped.
00:37:05
Speaker
There's a million steps to the reason why your friend's not answering the text. Like there's a million different things. Don't go to the immediate disaster. Like there's a million other reasons. Go through what those reasons could be.
00:37:16
Speaker
Mashed potatoes. Chantal might be making them. might be making mashed potatoes. might. And then do what we tell you every episode. Spend like five minutes meditating. Just be in silence. Just stop.
00:37:26
Speaker
Walk if you have to. I love to walk. I love to get out. Like I'll just have to get out of my surroundings, go for a walk, work it through in my head, come back, externalize it, that's amazing. Poor Chantel gets a lot of stuff around here. I'll literally talk things through.
00:37:42
Speaker
How many times do I call you in and say, I need to talk to you about this email? you know We got a rough email a couple weeks ago from a patient, a potential patient that was coming on. it was just It was just not nice.
00:37:54
Speaker
And you know I brought her in, because I was kind of spiraling, and right? I brought you in and I said, here's what I think I'm gonna write back. What do you think? Let me tell you what happened. And then it was great because she brought up points, things I wasn't saying.
00:38:09
Speaker
She brought up situations, maybe, you know, things that I could do differently, words that I could say differently. Sometimes just telling somebody else, they'll be like, oh my gosh, Krista, she she was in surgery this morning. Don't you remember?
00:38:22
Speaker
She's probably on pain medication. She's in a lot of pain. She's really, you know, let somebody else help you so you can go, yeah, That's why her email didn't sound nice. She's got a lot going on in her life. Let somebody else help you. When you're in the middle of it, I'm telling you right now for me, when I'm in the middle of it, I am a disaster.
00:38:40
Speaker
Krista in the middle of crisis, I always look outward. I cannot, and I know, and you got to identify that in you. When am I knocking my my own worst enemy?
00:38:52
Speaker
And who can I go to that's going to be like, this isn't a big deal? Yeah. For instance, we just, there is a head movement going on. We just, we just excavated, you know, potentially yesterday for a gala that's in, you know, six weeks.
00:39:09
Speaker
Boulders were everywhere. Lots of dirt came in, dump trucks and seed is going down. And I'm like, Oh my gosh. Six weeks. Oh my gosh. And you know, there's going to be absolutely no grass. It's going to rain that day. It's going to be complete mud.
00:39:21
Speaker
And Chantel is going, car grass can grow in three days. Good grass that is planted. Look, Krista, it's raining today. And this is a true story. It's raining right now as we're taping this podcast.
00:39:32
Speaker
She's like, you have six full weeks. In a week, we can have baby grass. In two weeks, we will have better grass. Everybody needs a Chantel in those situations. You got to go to a person you know is going to turn around and go,
00:39:44
Speaker
Come on. This is silly. It's going to grow. It's going to be beautiful. You mean like superhero?
Growth Through Adversity
00:39:50
Speaker
I feel I was your person for superhero. You were person. So superhero, go ahead. You tell the story. ah So we hold a superhero run. This year was a rock and run, ended in a rock festival.
00:40:02
Speaker
And it's a five k I'm pretty sure we had a hurricane this year. We did. yeah When we got up, it wasn't quite hurricane status. When we got up, it was just torrential downpour and a little wind.
00:40:15
Speaker
And a little chilly. At 2 a.m. m And my heart said to cancel. And Krista said no. And I was a little salty. She was so salty. I have PTSD from running in the rain.
00:40:28
Speaker
And I didn't think anybody was going to show up. And let me tell you, I was absolutely wrong. And I had to eat crow that day. You didn't have to eat crow because you did not. I did. I came in salty and, and I own it.
00:40:42
Speaker
I own it. And it was an amazing day. left energized. And it's because you, you knew. You were, you were looking, you were looking at the big picture.
00:40:53
Speaker
Yeah. And I was looking at the rain. Yeah. Yes. And what is the big picture? Sometimes you have to go through the storm. It's not always calm in your life. And sometimes you have to get through the storm because you don't grow. You don't stretch if you're not going through something. I mean, I love peace.
00:41:09
Speaker
I do. But you know what? I grow the most when I'm being challenged. I do. And for us, really the reason behind me saying, no, we're going through with this is I did go through the worst case scenarios.
00:41:22
Speaker
What is the worst that can happen? We had already been through worse. Chantal and I ran a race in Savannah, maybe three, four years ago, in which they did not cancel. It was a half marathon.
00:41:33
Speaker
It was 45 degrees, which is unheard of down there. It was torrential downpour, also feeling like we were in a hurricane. We were in bad weather. It was 40 mile an hour winds. They did not cancel it.
00:41:48
Speaker
And we did it. Our team is like, what do you mean? We're doing it. Like I was trying to give them a way out there. Like we're doing it. And so for me, I said, you know what? We have to do three miles. You could do one loop or two.
00:42:01
Speaker
You can get out early. You cannot go at all. And I just kept saying over and over to everybody that was going to participate, that's Cancer is harder than you running three miles in the rain. Cancer is harder.
00:42:13
Speaker
You don't have a cancer diagnosis. You're not throwing up right now in the bathroom from radiation. You're not wondering if you need to put a will in order because they've now told you there's nothing more they can do.
00:42:25
Speaker
There's so much worse. And I just kept saying it over and over again. And out of those 850 people, I think what, five, 600 showed up? And people walked up and registered at the gate. They did. did. Like people showed up despite the weather. Right.
00:42:38
Speaker
And not having paid yet. Right. And then paid at the door. Paid more than pre-registration. And think about that. We did go through the scenarios and we did know how bad it was going to be.
00:42:50
Speaker
And it was going to be bad. It was really going to be bad. And we still walked through it anyways. Because sometimes you can put that out there and go, how bad is it goingnna be and is it really going be? And sometimes it's going to turn out exactly how bad is.
00:43:02
Speaker
you are thinking it's going to turn out. But there's a lesson in everything. Maybe you are going to fail that test and you're going to fail out of nursing school. You know, my daughter is in nursing school now. Everything was relying on a test.
00:43:14
Speaker
A month ago, I drove the two hours up to pray over her. And I was like, and you know what? This is in God's time. If you fail this test, So be it.
00:43:25
Speaker
Then there's a lesson to be learned. Then you really need to just take the course again. You're not meant to do it now. You really could completely fail at this. But at the end of the day, that doesn't mean that life is over. that doesn't mean.
00:43:38
Speaker
So, you know, even in our worst case scenarios, you can pick yourself up in almost every circumstance. Maybe not all, but in almost every circumstance, you can pick yourself up. And and usually there's something to be learned in it.
00:43:53
Speaker
So, you know, meditate on it, right? Externalize it, like I said. And sometimes you do need therapy.
Encouragement and Resources
00:44:01
Speaker
Sometimes, honestly, you know, we need to normalize getting help.
00:44:05
Speaker
I have gone through therapy in my twenty s and went through therapy. I was in a really bad place in life. Husband has been through therapy. Two of my three children have done therapy. You know, there are times that you have to say,
00:44:18
Speaker
about yourself or about your loved ones, we need to get you professional help. There are areas that are just not in my wheelhouse. I don't want to make it worse. Let's get you professional help.
00:44:29
Speaker
You're spinning. You know, it's like being on this like wheel, this gerbil wheel. You just keep doing the same thing over and over again. We can't get off of it. Get help. There's nothing wrong with that. No, absolutely not.
00:44:41
Speaker
It's brave to accept help. It is. It is. And I still feel. braver to admit you need help than to try to do it alone. True. And I do feel though in this society, I feel it is easier and it is definitely not as frowned upon, but I still think there's a stigma to it.
00:44:58
Speaker
There is. And i so I think the stigma is definitely more for men than for women. Agreed. But sometimes men need it more because, right? 100%. Because they're trying to keep it all together and act like the the tough guy. yeah communication, all of that. I mean, I'm sure that's going to be an episode in the future, but you know, you are not stuck, right?
00:45:20
Speaker
You're not stuck. If you're thinking the absolute worst thoughts, it's just reframing the stinking thinking sometimes. So the truth is this. If you are doing it, if you're a catastrophe, right? Everything you see is a catastrophe. It doesn't make you weak.
00:45:35
Speaker
It makes you human. We do it every single day. I just said 38 minutes a day, right? Your brain thinks it's protecting you. It just doesn't know the difference between maybe a real threat. and an imaginary one, but you know what? You can teach it that. You know you know the difference.
00:45:49
Speaker
Come on. If you meditate a little bit, go for a walk. You can get through this. You can figure out the difference. You don't have to live in a disaster state all the time. You can pause and you can breathe and remind yourself, all right, what's real right now? What is likely to happen?
00:46:06
Speaker
And when you face real challenges, then you're going have more strength because you're not exhausted. You're facing the real ones, not the imaginary ones. So the next time that your brain shouts, the sky is falling.
00:46:19
Speaker
i don't know. Look up. Is it? You might find it's clear. It's sunny outside and you're really okay right where you are. So I want you to get in there and do the work.
00:46:31
Speaker
We want you to be kind to yourself. and each other. And if you love our podcast and want to learn more about our charity, you can go to sparrowsnestcharity.org. Until next time, be good to yourself.