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The Friend Fade: Caregivers and the Cost of Social Disconnection
47 Plays16 days ago
Being a caregiver can feel like living in two worlds — one where your time, energy, and heart are poured into someone else’s survival, and another where friendships quietly slip away. The dinners you can’t attend, the texts you forget to answer, the invites that stop coming… and suddenly you realize you’re lonelier than you’ve ever been.
In this episode, we’re naming the reality of caregiver isolation. We’ll talk about why the “friend fade” happens, the grief and guilt that come with it, and how to start rebuilding connection — even when your energy feels completely spent.
Inside this episode:
- The hidden cost of caregiving on friendships and social life.
- The “friendship maintenance energy” caregivers don’t have to spare.
- How isolation impacts mental and physical health.
- Practical, doable ways to reconnect when you’re drained.
- Gentle scripts to reach out without guilt.
If you’ve ever felt invisible in your caregiving role, this episode is for you. You are not alone — and your friendships don’t have to disappear forever
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Transcript
Introduction to Caregiving and Personal Impact
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I am your host, Krista Jones, along with my co-host today, Tom Murrell, and we are going to talk about a subject that both of us feel, wow, affects everybody.
00:00:19
Speaker
The role of a caregiver, because, you know, nobody tells you that caregiving doesn't just steal your time, steals your people.
Isolation and Social World Reduction
00:00:28
Speaker
The dinners you can't attend, texts that you forget to answer, the invites that stop coming slowly without realizing it, your entire world shrinks and suddenly you're in the middle of the hardest season of your life and the people that you used to have really aren't there anymore.
00:00:45
Speaker
It's valid. It's not because you don't care. It's not because your energy is already spoken for. You're not lazy. You're not a bad friend. You're a caregiver. So today, Tom and I want to talk about why does it happen? How does it impact us? And most importantly, how do we even begin rebuilding these connections, even in small ways, because you deserve to be known, loved, and remembered as you, not just as a caretaker.
00:01:13
Speaker
Ouch. It's amazing how this affects all of us at some point in our lives, at some time or another. Welcome, Tom. I'm so glad that you're with me today. I'm glad to be here.
00:01:25
Speaker
It's fun to have you when you come in. He's all nice and comfortable in his chair telling me to turn up his microphone. up with this chair This chair was not built for... Get that chair. That chair? Yeah, go get that chair and I'll talk while you're getting that chair. It's okay. go get the chair. Is this okay? We're not going cut this out? It's going to be fine. We're not going to cut any of it out because we're living... Take your headphones off. We're living authentically. Yeah.
00:01:51
Speaker
We're not going to cut any of this. Tom and I um actually, for those of you that don't know our relationship, we were in the radio world together for about 10, 15 years. And then Tom and I both went our separate ways. Tom's still doing a bunch of amazing marketing stuff um at one of our local car dealerships. And I decided I wanted to cure cancer. But since I didn't know how to do that, do you feel more comfortable? This is so much more good since I didn't know how to cure cancer. I wanted to start a charity and at least feed people through cancer treatment. And I have a charity.
00:02:25
Speaker
It is called Sparrows Nest of the Hudson Valley here in New York. We feed people that are sick. And in the middle of all of this, I said, why not start a podcast? Right? Because you didn't have enough to do. But that was why I wanted to start the podcast because I thought we are all so crazy busy trying to make it look like we have it all together.
00:02:45
Speaker
We do not have it together. i can't tell you how many times I packed the eggs in the cupboard yeah and Christian a week later is like, what is that smell? Why is that? And I want people to see that side of us because nobody wants to talk about it. Social media, everywhere you go, everybody's life looks perfect.
00:03:04
Speaker
And I want to start with mine because I've got a lot of followers on my social media platforms. And I want to just say, i am a hot mess. I'm owning it. I'm embracing it. And it's, it's okay. Okay. it's totally fine because the the thing that we all think is that everybody else has it figured out right like oh how does how does that person do what they're doing all day long and then they they they just seem like they've got it all put together guess what nobody's got it all put together no we're all we're all putting on this facade that we've all got it figured out that everything is cool and but nope nobody has it figured out that's the reality of it That's the reality. And that's why we're here. We're here to make you feel better when we tell you our messy stories. 99 problems and a chair ain't one. This is a really, really comfortable chair. We are eventually going to record these though, Tom. So this would be so cute if we could record this and show you.
00:04:02
Speaker
In one chair versus the other chair. so what's crazy though. That chair has been sitting there. Every time we record, it's been sitting right there and I've never thought about moving it over. You've never moved it over. This is so nice. nowt Now, you know, so the next time, the next time you go, now you're going to fall asleep.
Rebuilding Connections and Understanding Caregiving Beyond the Role
00:04:18
Speaker
Yeah. So, all right, I want to talk about the caregiving role because here at Sparrow's Nest, um ah we are just in the middle of that, right? We feed people with a cancer diagnosis, ah plenty of people that have no one because we've opened it up to senior citizens in Dutchess County. We're here in the Hudson Valley.
00:04:36
Speaker
For those of you in Australia that are like, where exactly are you? ah We feed five different counties, four different counties, sorry about that. And, um you know, some people ah have no one, some of our senior citizens, you know, so so we knew that we had to branch out.
00:04:53
Speaker
But some people, you know, our families that we feed, in fact, 80% of the the people we feed are our family units. And just the watching a caretaker, know,
00:05:07
Speaker
go through a cancer diagnosis with somebody that they love and trying to get to the other side of that. It's really why we created the entire charity correct that we could take something literally and figuratively off their plates. Exactly. Yeah. Just, just a little way to help.
00:05:23
Speaker
And, um, you know, that phrase like adulting is hard. Like it's, that's like when you have to make a meal every day, Just without a cancer diagnosis, having to make a meal every day, some of for some of us, that's difficult because of our schedules as it is. I cannot even imagine what it's like for someone who's having to take care of a whole other set of situations. Sure. so And in doing so, basically, i mean, i would imagine your whole life gets flipped upside down.
00:05:54
Speaker
Everything else takes a backseat to... the cancer diagnosis right to the taking care of, to the getting from one doctor to another, getting from one treatment to another, um the aftercare as well.
00:06:08
Speaker
I've never had to deal with that myself, but I'd love for you to talk and to you about your experience with that yourself and other people as well, because I'm sure that can be overwhelming.
00:06:20
Speaker
And in this regard, what we're talking about today is that your dedication to that service comes at a cost, at a price, which most people are willing to pay, um but it's its it can be detrimental nonetheless. Absolutely. and that is that your friends and your social connections ah ah run amiss. Right. You run afoul of those because you're so you're dedicated wholly and entirely into this other situation that is...
00:06:48
Speaker
very vastly important. Don't get me wrong. and We're not saying that that's not the case, but there's got to be room for you to be able to take care of yourself as well in there. Right. Right. And I think that's what it is, right? Caregiving eats up these hours that you need for social connection. And we don't only see caregivers now as adults.
00:07:08
Speaker
I mean, we have so many tragic, sad situations where the child has to become the caregiver because it's a single mom, it's a single dad in the home and You know, the the child is the one that's actually trying to keep it together, you know, and care for the adult.
00:07:22
Speaker
And, you know, i I like what you said about, you know, you you do lose so much in it, right? You lose connections when more than ever, what you really need are these these these friendships. yes And you lose them because you just don't have the time to pour into them. Well, the emotional dedication that you have to what's to the caretaking, you know, it's, we're not talking about ah mowing grass as the guy outside is cutting grass right now. know if you hear that, we're sorry, but we're authentic. That's okay. That's real. That's what's happening. um But we're doing it from the comfort of these awesome chairs. um
00:08:00
Speaker
But the, the, the time dedication doesn't leave much room for other things. The, the emotional dedication to what's going on, because we're talking about very tragic things often times and people feel very helpless.
00:08:15
Speaker
I wonder, I'm, I'm wondering if people who are in that role, cause I've never had to be in that role. If people in that role tend to overdo it,
00:08:28
Speaker
in the sense that like I'm, I'm trying to help so much. I try, i there's this, there's this horrible thing that's happened to my friend or to my loved one.
00:08:38
Speaker
And I feel helpless. I can't help them with medicine. I can't help them with a miracle, but I can help them with everything else that they possibly could ever need. Sure. And I'm going to overdo it because that's my way of, of showing that I care or that I help. Absolutely. Yeah.
00:08:55
Speaker
Well, when you love someone, right? And you know you're you're you're in a helpless situation. You can't control the diagnosis. You can't control whatever's going on in their life. If this is a medical situation, and and we obviously should talk about yeah all the other ways you can be a caretaker too, but you know you can't control that. So you're overcompensating because you know in many cases, you're dealing with an illness that could be a life or death situation. You don't know what kind of time you have. You're dedicating all your time there.
00:09:23
Speaker
And I think sometimes, you know, your friend groups and people around you, they just don't know how to handle that. They don't know what they can do for you because a lot of times we're going through a situation right now.
Challenges in Supporting Caregivers
00:09:35
Speaker
um We are about to do a farm to table gala here at Sparrow's Nest. And we have one of the honorees that is in the hospital and not, you know, potentially we we just don't know where we're standing.
00:09:49
Speaker
and um his wife just won't leave, right? Won't even leave for an hour, will not even probably come to the gallow, may not even speak for him, you know, and I completely get that. yeah and there's nothing that I can do as her friend because she's not leaving.
00:10:05
Speaker
I can't go in there and say, take a few. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything. She wants to be with him. So I think too, in these situations where you're caregivers of people you love, your friends just don't know how to help you yeah because you you really can't give up that rain. It doesn't make you selfish.
00:10:24
Speaker
It's just, you don't want to give up any time that you potentially have with somebody that just isn't feeling well. And your friends on the other side, I've been a friend of someone who's been going through something like that. i I've opened up and told them, listen, i don't know i don't know how to talk to you. I don't know what to say to you. I don't know if I'm saying the wrong thing or if i if you're going through something with your wife and I send you a funny video.
00:10:50
Speaker
Like, is that okay? for me to send you a funny video? Cause I don't know if you're going through this, I don't know what's going on on your end. yeah Is it appropriate for me to send you funny stuff while you're going through that stuff? Is it, can I call you and talk about the game last night? ah Is it okay if I ask about your wife? Is it, you know, I don't, I don't know how, I don't know how to be your friend in that situation. Cause I don't know what I can say and what I can't say. But I think that's great that you say that. Yeah. Because I think you need to say that to the caregiver as a friend.
00:11:20
Speaker
I think you need to say, what do you need from me? Do you need me to back off? Do you need me to send you texts every day? Do you want me to send you prayers every day? But I like that because everybody's going to answer that differently. And we just need to respect what, whatever their answer is.
00:11:34
Speaker
And that's coming from this side of it. On the other side of it, you do need those things you do need those releases you do need that that time to yourself to even just to just to clear your brain about what's going on and or just to refresh you know take a nap you know that's we we we rest at night we sleep at night to rest our bodies from the work we've done all day and to prepare us for the next day you kind of need that as well and and human connection and socialization you you do need that You know, and I think sometimes too, we as caregivers, I think you feel guilty, you know, that the friendship is fading, but I think you really need to reframe that and you need to name it differently. At this season of my life, I just can't.
00:12:18
Speaker
give to this friendship the way I i used to but that will come back, you know, hopefully. i mean, of course, you don't know how that's going to come back. You don't know if somebody is going to pass for that to come back. you don't know if they're going to get better for that to come back. But, you know, I think sometimes um caregivers feel this shame that they they should not feel because really it's a badge of honor that you're taking care of somebody. Oh, absolutely I mean, we we all, right, look at a caregiver and say, my gosh, thank God for them.
00:12:47
Speaker
right It's such a noble, it's and it's the most noble gift you can give is ah your time to someone else who's in need. 100%. The cost of that oftentimes this is feeling isolated.
00:13:00
Speaker
100%. Because you're dedicated to that one job, that one task of of helping that person. And and it can be it can be overwhelming. But listen, that's... that's normal to feel that way. Sure.
00:13:13
Speaker
It's normal to feel isolated in that situation. I not again, not just as a, as a caretaker, but there's other areas of life that we we
Coping with Isolation and Guilt in Caregiving
00:13:21
Speaker
will talk about later. But in those situations, the feeling of isolation that you feel that's completely normal.
00:13:29
Speaker
And it, and it's, and it's okay to feel that way. It's, it's natural to feel that way because well but of the nature of what you're doing. Um, But in order to get through that, we'll talk about some tips on how you can sure you can balance not feeling isolated while still helping out as well.
00:13:49
Speaker
So, you know, we've kind of touched a little bit on the fact that, you know, caretaking doesn't necessarily have to be, you know, with a person that is sick. As an employer, we're caretakers of our employees. As a mom or a dad, we're caretakers, right, of our children.
00:14:05
Speaker
Right. um And for me, you know, as we talk about isolation and loneliness, I'm a caretaker for this charity, right? So my job is to make sure that, you know, 350, 400, more than people every single week get fed.
00:14:24
Speaker
um And I experience loneliness all the time. I cannot tell you this fear of missing out. I've really had to reframe my brain. I do not go with friends on the weekends. I don't go to dinners out.
00:14:40
Speaker
There is so much stuff that I don't do. I've absolutely, my friendships are almost non-existent. And people you know that know me would say, no, they're not. you you know you You have a million friends. I mean, I really don't.
00:14:52
Speaker
You have a million people you're friendly with. Yeah, but but I don't have a lot of friends because my focus is here. And for many people, your focus may be your work life because you're the boss or whatever that is. You know, you're in charge of these big projects.
00:15:06
Speaker
And so for me, this consumes so much of my time. And there's so many sick people that rely on me to make sure I'm getting them food or whatever else they need. There isn't time for anything else.
00:15:17
Speaker
And, you know, friends have dropped off. I mean, I get it. It's been 10 years now. Friends are like, I'm really tired of you not answering my text or, you know, you can't go out or you're too tired, do this and that. So I get that loneliness. Like I am so vulnerable to that, that I literally shut off social media.
00:15:35
Speaker
I will not go on. i can't, I cannot see that you are all out without me. I cannot hear. Like there are conversations like at the gym or other places i will purposely walk out of because i wasn't a part of something.
00:15:49
Speaker
Like it it is a real thing. It's, you know, you have a higher risk of depression, ah higher risk of anxiety and physical decline.
00:16:01
Speaker
So with those but those negative feelings attached to it, how do you feel like you can navigate? Ah, well, we will get to that. hope Well, I don't mean us as general.
00:16:15
Speaker
How can you do that? Oh, well, it's a tug of war. Let's get personal here. It's a tug of war, right? i can imagine. Because I've got a job to do. i have 400 plus people that are under me.
00:16:26
Speaker
And it's not like you it's not like you're running a deli where you just go, well, I'm done making sandwiches today. right There are families in need who are relying on you. sure This is different than just being of service. to so you're you're It's a bigger service than just I'm serving people. this is This is something people are relying on you for. Right. I mean, it's a tug of war with a caretaker of any type, your business, your your children. your It is a tug of war because you have a responsibility to take care of whatever is under you.
00:16:58
Speaker
But you also need to give yourself some time. And, you know, for me, i don't have a lot of time. And, you know, we talk on these episodes about you should free up your time. And I do every morning at 4 a.m. I get up. That's good impression, by the i Thank you. Thank you. I run or walk three miles and then I do um a workout class for an hour.
00:17:21
Speaker
So every morning I spend an hour and a half to two hours doing that. And then I start my day. So that for me is my time just to get in a better mental space. But I don't have a lot of time. So, you know, when you hear and you read all these self-help books and give yourself a lot of time, caregivers, you know, sometimes really don't have that time. Yeah.
00:17:37
Speaker
So for me, it's all about retraining my mental well-being that this is okay, Krista. At the end of the day, this is the most important. At the end of the day, I am living for the applause of one and he is above me.
00:17:51
Speaker
At the end of the day, if I didn't go to a dinner and I didn't make a social connection, like ah I'm just checking and saying, did I do everything I was supposed to do, God, for you today? Did I fulfill everything that I was supposed to fulfill to get my day done?
00:18:05
Speaker
I have to reframe. my brain and the isolation and the loneliness. And i just, you know, I try to send text when I can. I try to, and we'll get into all those tools and things that you can do.
00:18:18
Speaker
But a lot of it is you have to retrain yourself because you are lonely and you are isolated and it is taking a lot of time and you, you can't get out of that. So you can be a servant though, I think without being a martyr, right?
00:18:32
Speaker
A 100%. that safe for me to say? And you know, in my work life, and many of you that feel like you're a caretaker of your businesses, um in my work life, just last week to my board of directors, I said, now there's only four of us that run a $1.4 million dollar operation.
00:18:54
Speaker
I said, I have to hire two people next year. And I'm going to figure out, I'm going you know, because for me, I'm in the charity world. I try really hard to make sure that not more than 20% goes to not only salary, but the overhead of the building of course and all the other expenses.
00:19:11
Speaker
And I try to make sure 80% goes back to the program. So, you know, they said- You're running a business at an 80% profit margin. That's, if you if you figure it out that way- ah shop right shop right doesn't have an 80 profit margin no but donors want to see that right they want to see as close as they can that's a big pressure so that's kind of my goal so i said to them i i'm i'm i need to hire two people next year yeah and my board was kind of like okay whatever you got to do because they know that i'm now saying i need more help so that definitely without being that murder type that that is you've got to release control that's you finding help You have to bring more people in, even in the volunteer specter, like sector, I'm doing that.
00:19:54
Speaker
You've got to bring more people in to help you. And I think that's what a caretaker can do, right? You can bring other family members in. You could you know say to your children, hey, yes, grandma is sick. Can you go over today and read her a story? you know You're only 11, but that is taking an 11-year-old and giving them a sense of being, a sense of purpose that they can help grandma as well.
00:20:16
Speaker
So I definitely think that you have to be able to relinquish some of your responsibilities as a mom, as a dad, as a baseball coach. Right. Let's look at it from from your point of view as a baseball coach. You are gone every single weekend. Right.
00:20:34
Speaker
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. But do you have people under you on your team that you can give some things to? ah Looking at film, ah searching the stats, looking at the other teams you're about to play, getting the hotel rooms.
00:20:47
Speaker
Like, are there things that is the main caregiver of whatever it is you're caring for that you can get off your plate and give to other people? there's delegate There's certainly things that could be delegated, yeah. And and we do I feel like we do a pretty good job of that. um Now with three kids playing travel sports, it's it's a lot to get around.
00:21:06
Speaker
And again, this is i know this is different than a caretaker for ah for someone who's dealing with a cancer treatment or who's a mom or whatever, but it but it's a responsibility to nonetheless because there's people counting on us.
Delegation and Sharing of Responsibilities
00:21:18
Speaker
um so what we've one thing that we've done is ah early on there was so much stress to get everybody in bed by 8 30 right get everybody in bed by 8 30 that means if practice goes until 8 that means we get home and we either have to shower real quick and go to bed or or you go to bed smelly yes yes and as they get older that smelliness factor goes through the roof so they kind of have to shower so we've kind of thrown away the bedtime clock Okay.
00:21:47
Speaker
It's just been like, we've just, we've given that we've, if you want to say delegated, we've lowered the bar because that's not a standard we can meet by the time everybody gets home and we cook dinner, we eat dinner. It's nine 30 before we even start to sit down to eat. So we, we just live a different, we we live our schedule differently. Sure.
00:22:08
Speaker
So I like that you're lowering the bar. So that is, yeah that's a great tool. Lower the bar where you can. And in those in those times, though, we're still eating together as a family. We're still doing all the family stuff together. We're watching TV. We're having dinner. We're talking.
00:22:22
Speaker
We're telling us certain you know stories about whatever's going on. and So we still have that socialization time. um the The other thing is we make we make it a point to... And to still spend time with with friends and family, we there's there's times where we do miss baseball because there's something else going on and we and that's more important.
00:22:44
Speaker
And it's it's about prioritizing those things, making the time for those things. Now, with regard to what you're talking about with the caretaker. Can I suggest something? Oh, I love it. having, not necessarily delegating, because I know sometimes there's things like you can't drive grandma to dialysis because you're 11 years old. Sure. But you know what you could do when you're 11 years old?
00:23:06
Speaker
You could come with us. And it just makes that now on the way that 20 minutes it takes to get to grandma's house, we can talk. You're connecting. You're connecting with your friend. You're connecting with your child. Yes. Or you can do the same thing with a friend of mine. Absolutely. With a friend of yours. Or a friend of yours. Or a friend of yours. With me.
00:23:27
Speaker
ah Some random friend of mine Are you a friend of Tom's? you're friend of Tom's. Come with me. Come with Yeah. On a drive. Right Here. Seatbelt on. Let's go. I mean, yeah. Absolutely. Right. Because I do that. I do that with, i know it sounds silly, but like. It doesn't at all. When I go to the grocery store.
00:23:41
Speaker
hate to go to the grocery store by myself So just, hey, kids, which one of you guys is coming to the grocery store with me? I don't know why but want to take one of them, but there's some there's a comfort in not being isolated in that way. just like There's one-on-one time. And think of how great that child feels. and dad alone. I just being around you, yeah. In the car. Can we do that? Are going to smuggle in some ho-hos without mom knowing?
00:24:03
Speaker
Well, I just remember like when I was a kid, it was always cool when we did a task like that or something like that. yeah When I took, when I went with my grandfather, when went with my dad, it was like, we get that one-on-one time. And that's where you can sneak in quote unquote, some of this socialization time.
00:24:17
Speaker
You know, for me, um you know, we were just talking about like on social media and stuff. Like I sometimes I just can't see that stuff. Right. So and that's good. I know my mental capacity. But what I will do is I try every single day to text a little blurb, little blurb to a friend like I like this week.
00:24:37
Speaker
Many of my friends have reached out. And they're like, are you okay? Are you alive? Are you whatever? you know, we're getting ready for a big event. And I may not have been able to write back, but in the morning I'll just write, I love you. Thank you.
00:24:49
Speaker
or I'm good. I miss you. Or it's really small, but something that lets me connect back to them that just shows, I appreciate that you've thought of me, you know, i and and you know what, if you love me and you are my friend, that's enough for you.
00:25:03
Speaker
And many of my friends know that like, I'm not calling you back. When I go, I'll call you back, Tom, you know that about me. I'm like, I'll call you right back. He's like, it's seven hours later. oh But you also have to surround yourself with those kinds of people that can ebb and flow with the season of your caretaking responsibilities and realize just how serious that is.
00:25:23
Speaker
And so I have a, I have an hour long commute twice a week okay where I drive between eight and nine o'clock. I have to drive out to Middletown. It's about an hour drive. And during that time, I listen to podcasts, I listen to music, I listen to this podcast, I listen to whatever.
00:25:37
Speaker
um But there's occasions where I'm driving along and I go, you know what? I'm reminded of this and this person who i haven't talked to in a while. Let me just shoot them a text message real quick. And using, I don't text and drive. I use the Apple CarPlay thing. And I just ah text that person.
00:25:54
Speaker
Just, hey, Bob, just thinking about you. Hope you and the family are doing great. Have a, have a wonderful day. Hope to see again soon. And just those little, if you want to, I hate to use the term micro connections, but like little five minute blurbs like that. Like you said, Hey,
00:26:11
Speaker
It's your birthday tomorrow. Let me be the first to say happy birthday. yeah Hey, I'm sorry missed your birthday last weekend. Hope it was a good one. Yeah. Hey, i know you have this thing going on this weekend. Good luck at it.
00:26:21
Speaker
Hey, how are the kids baseball? I know you were talking about the tournament thing a couple weeks ago. How'd the baseball tournament go? Just those little micro connections. Yeah. Keep the connection going right so that the connection doesn't fade. And they don't take a lot of time.
00:26:33
Speaker
No. It just in the moment when you hear it in your head. Hey, I wonder how Bob's doing. Don't just go. OK. nu I wonder how Bob's.
00:26:44
Speaker
Hey, Bob, how are you doing? Or call. I call. I don't really text when I'm in the car. I will call in the car. Not that we are not promoting ah texting and driving. No, no, but We're doing it safely with Apple CarPlay. I think calling is good, too, to physically hear the voice. I think a lot of times we just take an easy way with a text.
00:27:04
Speaker
Not always time, and I'm not in any way. But like you called me on the trip to Syracuse because we ended up talking about the podcast, right? Yeah, what are we going to talk about today, Hannah? But that is a way that you can use your time as a caretaker of children, businesses, whatever.
00:27:17
Speaker
And sometimes i you know used to listen to the Wiggles the whole way in the car without my kids going, are you kidding me? The kids weren't even in the car. um but But I digress. Yeah. That is a great way to just make five minute little calls in between appointments, things just to catch up.
00:27:35
Speaker
Right. Or you know what else when you're a caregiver? I think um when I, this is a little different. but I had rotator cuff surgery, completely fine. um It was, I thought it was a very tough surgery, but um I invited people in because I couldn't go out.
00:27:51
Speaker
So as a caretaker, invite people in. yeah Maybe you're a single mom and you know your kids are like all over the place and you've got work and all this stuff and you're exhausted. On a Saturday, invite a friend over for an hour.
00:28:04
Speaker
yeah Why don't you come over and we'll order a pizza? Because it may be too overwhelming for you to get out, but invite somebody to come in. And you know what and And don't be embarrassed of your messy house and all that stuff.
00:28:15
Speaker
You got to have those kinds of friends. You have to look, we just talked about, you have to lower lower the bar. Yeah. Cause the expectations will, is what will set you apart from that. And also again, going back to what we said before about sharing that time.
00:28:27
Speaker
Hey, listen, Sarah, I haven't seen you in a while. This Saturday I'm going to be taking care of XYZ. why don't you come along and help me out? We can chat while we're doing it.
00:28:38
Speaker
You know, we're doing some, some work and it it'll be, it'll be fun to reconnect with you. And then afterwards we'll go to lunch or whatever. Yeah. You know, that's, that's another, that's another, but the importance of staying connected and grounded to your life is it's Listen, it's it's so noble to give of yourself, but you can't give of yourself if there's nothing left, right?
00:29:01
Speaker
you have You have to refresh that and and and and and reclaim that. Sure. and And that's okay. That's totally okay. The people that you're taking care of.
00:29:14
Speaker
they're they They know that you have stuff going on. They're they're so appreciative of the fact that you're even showing up and helping them. they And they're relying on you. i i can't imagine in that situation that someone would want you to give so much of yourself that you have nothing left.
00:29:31
Speaker
Well, and the people that you're caring for, right? Think of how sad they would be to see all that you are missing. And think of the guilt that they would feel of course because you're taking care of them. And you know, your friends adapt to that. Good friends adapt to that. yes And sometimes that's that's how you, I always say, prune your bushes. And everybody here laughs at me.
00:29:52
Speaker
But, you know, sometimes that's where you get rid of the low lying fruit. yeah if you can't be with me in the middle of, you know, ah me being promoted to CEO of this big corporation, me being a mom that right now is in a season that's overwhelming, me taking care of my father who is diagnosed with cancer.
00:30:13
Speaker
You know, if that's really where you also find the people that will show up. And like you said, connection is so important. The rest, you know, you were mentioning rest, of course, physically you need all of that.
00:30:24
Speaker
But mentally is just as important as physically because you can isolate yourself so quickly.
Supporting Caregivers with Practical Help
00:30:34
Speaker
And another way for you to be a friend as well to people who are, and if you see a friend who's in that situation where you can sense that they're giving too much of themselves is you can help them in some way.
00:30:48
Speaker
I have a friend of mine who, uh, his father passed away recently, um, within the last few years, I should say. And during that time, he spent a lot of time with him. Obviously, fair is it was a very intense, caring situation.
00:31:02
Speaker
And the way that I was able to help support him through that and connect with him still is, hey, do you need me to take your son to practice? Hey, do you need us to order your pizza?
00:31:14
Speaker
Hey, can we bring by some flowers? Hey, can we bring by a ziti? Can we do the things that you're talking about that you do here? It's like, it's almost like paying it forward. Does that make sense?
00:31:25
Speaker
It does. So they're giving everything of themselves to this other cause. We're giving not everything of ourselves, but we're giving where we can of ourselves to them to kind of backfill the hole that they're leaving in their, in their normal quote unquote normal lives. Right. That makes sense. And I think it does. You know, I had a caregiver on one of the episodes, an early episode, Giselle White, who ended up losing her beautiful daughter, Sheena, to cancer ah when she was only 41 years old.
00:31:56
Speaker
And Giselle then really, as a grandma, kind of became the mother to her daughter's kids and And you know, something else that she said is sometimes just don't even ask me.
00:32:07
Speaker
Yeah. Just send me the pizza. Yeah. Like do it sometimes just do it. Yeah. Sometimes that, you know, sometimes a caregiver can't even tell you what they need.
00:32:18
Speaker
Sometimes busy mom, a single dad doesn't even know what they need, but you and I both know a pizza delivered to their house, like who in the heck doesn't love pizza? Unless you're gluten-free. You should know that in advance. Then get them a gluten-free pizza.
00:32:32
Speaker
but But you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, you know, food is love. You're so great. You're so concerned. I really am. this imaginary situation that someone might be gluten-free. You might be gluten-free. And you got to know, are they vegetarian? Like, this is all important stuff. Oh, totally. You know, 100%. But you know what? That's why this charity was formed, because I know is love.
00:32:54
Speaker
I know you need food to survive. I know food is nourishment. I know that food makes you feel better physically, mentally. I know that that shows that I love you. So you could do that in your own little world.
00:33:09
Speaker
but You know, you could just give them a DoorDash gift card. but However you want to do it, sometimes you don't even have to ask. That is the friend is just so amazing. Or maybe as the person that is going through so much, you've just got to swallow your pride and go, yeah, you know what you can do for me? Yeah. Go get me a pizza. And just name it. Yeah. Go get me some nachos.
00:33:32
Speaker
But it takes humility to do that. Get me tequila. And nobody thinks you are, tequila's good. ah Nobody thinks you are less of a person because you have to ask for help.
00:33:43
Speaker
But that's our problem. like Exactly. We don't ask for help because we're supposed to have it all together. And this is why this podcast is so important. Exactly. I am asking every single day for something because I cannot do it alone. You you need a village. Right.
00:33:58
Speaker
So from this comfortable chair that now rotates, the other one doesn't rotate. it just ah just It's very tight here, but I'm rotating here in the chair. Very comfortable. From this seat, I give you and on all the listeners permission to ask for help.
00:34:14
Speaker
It's okay. It's okay to do that. And I want to tell you something that my friend, Beth Corso said to me, i don't know, maybe one or two years ago, and I've said it on episodes before, and I'm going to say it again. And that is the reason I started taking help.
00:34:29
Speaker
She said to me, I want to do things for you. You're always doing things for other people. When you say no to me, you have actually stopped me from giving a gift.
Accepting Help and Concluding Thoughts
00:34:41
Speaker
Think about that. yeah You want to give somebody else this gift. You want to help them. You want to make them smile. So a caretaker saying no or not giving you ideas and things that you can do to help.
00:34:54
Speaker
You're taking away from somebody else the joy that they would feel to just relieve your burden for five minutes, 10 minutes, five days, whatever the case may be. And that for me, you know, because I'm an empathetic person.
00:35:07
Speaker
So that spiraled me. I was like, oh my gosh, yeah I've hurt her feelings. I've made her feel bad I said, so, but that really, for me, that sunk in. yeah and then now when people say things, I'm trying really hard to say you could or anything you want to do, i would appreciate anything.
00:35:24
Speaker
And that takes the pressure off of me and them. And it brings somebody else joy. It's another connection, yeah. It is. Yeah. Thank you, Tom, for this, because this is a big deal. This is a subject that we're all, if we're not dealing with, we're going to have to deal with at some time in our life. And and these, mike again, these micro connections, they take just moments.
00:35:43
Speaker
Just moments. And, you know, caregiving changes. your world, but it doesn't have to erase your connections because you're more than the meals that you're cooking and the medicine you have to track, the appointments that you're keeping.
00:35:56
Speaker
You are still a human. You're a soul and you should be seen. So this week, I want you to pick one person that you miss and I want you to send them a text or call them. Don't ever don't think it. Just, i don't know. Hey, I miss you. I love you. Something.
00:36:12
Speaker
Because the friend and the connection fade is real, but it is not the end. Even in your exhaustion, Please just take one small step at a time because you deserve to have connection in your life no matter where you are. And until we meet next time on Exhausted Sparrows Unite, check out our website at sparrownestcharity.org and be kind to yourself and each other.