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Alone is a Choice. Lonely is a Wound.
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Have you ever been surrounded by people and still felt completely unseen? Or sat in silence and felt a sense of peace wash over you? There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely — and understanding it can transform the way you relate to yourself and others.
In this episode, we unpack:
- Why alone is empowering, and loneliness can be a silent wound.
- The science showing how chronic loneliness impacts your brain, heart, and immune system.
- How intentional solitude can boost creativity, clarity, and emotional resilience.
- Practical steps to turn loneliness into healthy, restorative alone time.
Join us as we explore the emotional, psychological, and biological sides of solitude and connection — and learn how to tell the difference between the two in your own life.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Exhausted Sparrows Unite'
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to exhausted sparrows unite. i am your host Krista Jones with my cohost, Chantelle Schaefer. And this is the podcast all about embracing the real you all about talking about your flaws and things that are going on and things that make us feel really vulnerable that we think we're the only ones dealing with.
00:00:26
Speaker
But yet when you hear somebody else talk about it, hopefully it gives you this sense of like, oh my goodness, I'm so glad it's not just me.
Alone vs. Lonely: What's the Difference?
00:00:36
Speaker
Today, we're going to talk about the difference between being alone and being lonely.
00:00:41
Speaker
When you're in the middle of it, it's kind of hard to tell the difference, but a alone can actually be peaceful where lonely is crushing. Alone is a choice that you make.
00:00:51
Speaker
Lonely is a wound that you carry. One is going to give you some space to breathe and dream and find yourself, and the other makes your chest ache at 2 a.m., right?
00:01:02
Speaker
And you're scrolling through the phone, hoping that anyone will reach out. So in this episode, we're going to pull the two of these apart so that you can start embracing the healing power of solitude and stop letting loneliness quietly eat at you.
Inspirational Quote and Podcast Idea
00:01:18
Speaker
Oh, this is going to be a good one as I was kind of, you know, I saw a quote on Instagram, Chantel, couple weeks ago. And the quote was being alone is a choice.
00:01:31
Speaker
Feeling lonely is wound. And I was like, oh my gosh. So what is the difference? And then of course, you know, Krista Jones, 2 a.m. spirals and says, now, now I really got to figure out what, it what is the difference?
00:01:45
Speaker
Because I was like, being alone sounds lonely, but not at all. So like, i was so intrigued by this. I'm like, Chantal, we're doing a podcast. And she's like, this sounds really interesting. And and here we are.
00:01:59
Speaker
It does because, you know, you're saying that being alone sounds lonely. But for me, sometimes being alone is like solace. It's calm. It's peaceful. Which is what it is supposed to be. So apparently i have a little more work in this episode than do.
00:02:15
Speaker
But that's why it's so good because everybody approaches these things, right?
Personal Experiences with Solitude
00:02:19
Speaker
Like completely different. And you're right. One of those words is meant to heal you. The other one actually hurts you. And if you've ever mistaken one for the other, then you probably avoided the one thing that can save you. And that thing is a healthy, intentional thing.
00:02:38
Speaker
solitude and how many of us, Krista Jones, not Chantal Schaefer apparently, are uncomfortable with being alone. Well, it could be the difference of introvert versus extrovert.
00:02:52
Speaker
You know, you're you're comfortable around people. You find happiness. And not that I don't, but I'm more comfortable in a quiet, alone place. And you purposely will put yourself in those places because that does feel good to you.
00:03:06
Speaker
Yes. And I purposely do not put myself in those places because I spiral sometimes. Yeah. Which is great that we are yin and yang in this so that we can we can dive right in and we we we can talk all about it. So when people feel lonely...
00:03:22
Speaker
um You know, they say that they often run from a alone time because they think that the quiet will make things worse. And I highlighted that because I'm like, that is exactly how I feel.
00:03:35
Speaker
When I feel alone, lonely, not alone. When I feel lonely, i feel off. I feel like a little bit mentally challenged. i don't want to quiet my mind.
00:03:47
Speaker
I want to fill my mind with other things so I'm not really thinking about what's going on, which of course I know saying that as you're laughing at me is really unhealthy because then I'm not getting to the bottom of the problems. but It's the art of distraction. I mean, it's like when I take my kids for shots and when they were little and I'm dancing around acting like a fool trying to keep them from looking at the doctor who's about to jab them with a needle. Right. Right.
00:04:12
Speaker
And that's what you're doing with your brain. You're, you're, you know, entertaining it. Right. So that I'm not really dealing with whatever's underneath. Yeah. I think a lot of us do that.
00:04:23
Speaker
Some. Just, just not Chantal Schaefer. I stew in the alone. What do you mean you stew? I like, i don't know. I process better in the quiet.
00:04:35
Speaker
And I don't like when my mind is full of, I don't want to say negative, but darker things, you know, bad things, stressful things. So when I'm alone, it's when I can process those things. If I'm around people and I don't deal with them, that's when I start to feel lonely because there's un, like, what's that? Unfinished business yeah in my head. That's interesting.
Physical vs. Emotional Solitude
00:04:59
Speaker
Right. So you being alone lets you take whatever's going on You rectify the situation so that you're able to get out there. I don't even know what the situation is at this point. I have 73 things going on in my head and I'm just not dealing with any of them. So, all right, I'm going I'm going to have to practice that. So there are different terms, right? For the two words, which I did not realize at all. And you kind of went into this episode going, I feel, you know, comfortable in this, but ah you know, there have to be people out there like me that, you know, put this negative connotation to the word alone, but alone is a physical state. It just means you're by yourself, right? There's nobody in your immediate space.
00:05:43
Speaker
And You just said it it. It can be restful. It's all about not rest. Yeah. Restful. It's all about like presence, like being present and dealing with all of the things, but a lonely is an emotional state.
00:05:58
Speaker
So when I was reading up on this, i was like, all right, that makes sense. So alone is a physical state. It's, it's what I am. I'm alone right now. Lonely deals all with these emotions. Like you said, being surrounded by tons and tons of people in a crowded room, you still feel completely unseen.
00:06:16
Speaker
You know, you've got all this stuff going on that you haven't processed. So are you alone or are you lonely, right?
00:06:25
Speaker
Hello, Krista Jones. Are you alone or are you alone? Well, we are not alone. We are together. Well, we are together. i have been spending more time alone um because my time is not quite as full as it used to be having help in my business, having children that are out of the house now. My kids are all going to college And I will say that for any of you that are listening that are not there yet, and this includes you, Chantal, who still has way to go, but happy birthday, baby baby Avery. Today's your actual birthday.
00:07:06
Speaker
But I will say that that is something you also have to get used to is when your children leave. i don't, it's sometimes, it's kind of like having a pet. I'm not saying your child's a dog. I'm not But you know how like um when you lose your pet, like you don't realize that they were by your side or they always would do this or that. Like there are just these things that you're not even cognizant of that, you know, when they're gone, like you you feel that aloneness and,
00:07:35
Speaker
that loneliness. And yet you have to be comfortable with being alone at that. So I've been working on that for the last few years because my house is a lot quieter. And unless I want to start talking to myself and answering myself, which then I think probably, i don't know when I do that. I like to tell people I'm just looking for expert advice.
00:07:55
Speaker
That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, unless I want to do that, I i do have to have a lot of alone time, you know? So the science of being lonely and why that's a crisis, like we can really get into, we've had health experts here before dealing with mental health, but, you know, um and we are going to have
Loneliness as a Health Factor
00:08:16
Speaker
more in here. So we're not going to get into the deep dive of your mental state, but loneliness isn't just about feeling sad. It is like this biological stressor that your body is treating like it's it's some kind of threat. It impacts your brain.
00:08:34
Speaker
um I read that MRI studies show that loneliness actually activates the same brain area as physical pain. oh So that's why it feels so heavy and it's so exhausting because your body is telling itself it's injured.
00:08:49
Speaker
It's like physically injured, even though it's like an emotional state, it's like physically injured. Being lonely increases, right? Your risk of early death by 26%, which is roughly the same amount as smoking 15 cigarettes a day for 20 years.
00:09:06
Speaker
How crazy is that? That's loneliness. That's debilitating. That is what it does to your body. Lonely people have a 29% higher risk of heart disease, 32% risk of stroke, thirty two percent risk of stroke and their immune system way more inflammation than a person that can deal with being alone compared to loneliness.
00:09:28
Speaker
Wow. So it doesn't just break your heart emotionally, it breaks your heart physically. Like it's crazy to see the physical impact that loneliness has on us. And so that's why i thought it was really helpful for me to go, all right, Krista, are you alone or are you lonely?
00:09:45
Speaker
Because if you're not really having those symptoms and stuff, you're probably just alone and you're not comfortable being alone with yourself and you need to suck it up and start getting comfortable. That's what I'm going to do. That's the t-shirt. That's not what I said. no no. Suck it up.
00:09:59
Speaker
Be comfortable with yourself. I'm going to make a t-shirt. No, no, no. That is not what you said at all. But that means that if being alone makes you uncomfortable and being alone is a healthy thing, you've got to work on that.
00:10:13
Speaker
And I have ways coming up. Oh. I mean, I always try to give you ways after I tell you that I'm wallowing in the same things you're wallowing in.
Benefits of Solitude
00:10:21
Speaker
So being alone actually has a lot of positive effects.
00:10:27
Speaker
Well, are you going to share the positive effects? Well, I can, but you've also already shared some of them because you do so well on the subject mental reset. Being alone allows you to reduce your overstimulating brain, calm down your nervous system, which you already said, which makes perfect sense.
00:10:44
Speaker
It allows you to get out of a situation, process it the way that you need a process, and then you're not you know in that spiral of plenty of episodes that we've had before. It also makes you way more creative than me.
00:10:57
Speaker
This explains it. Well, you know, I usually crochet alone, so I mean, as I would think you'd have to almost. You know, there are clubs, there are people who get together and they crochet and knit together. No, that would stress me out because you'd be like, that doesn't even look like the picture i tried to tell you to crochet.
00:11:16
Speaker
I wouldn't even do that. I wouldn't even do that. And then if I was doing that, I'd have to like think of all the things I have to do at work. You know, i I wouldn't be resetting anything. Self-awareness. If you don't have others, people noise around you, you can hear your own thoughts and your own feelings more clearly. And you know, you're not subjected to, you know, this, this bias, like all you can really hear is you, the expert in you. Yeah.
00:11:44
Speaker
Which is so true. um So why do we confuse the two then? Well, I could answer that very quickly, but I know for you, that's weird. So when I was telling Chantal, like, I didn't really know there was a difference. She's like, there's a huge difference.
00:11:58
Speaker
um You confuse the two because we live in a culture, right? That glorified constant connection. Yeah, I mean, it's at your fingertips all the time. And as you and I are doing this podcast right now, you and I are physically, I'm watching us, we're going through our phones, we're looking for some things. It's constant texting, it's constant scrolling, it's constant posting.
00:12:22
Speaker
So being alone can feel wrong, but there's even more to it than that, right? We confuse alone with loneliness because we're conditioned to, we're told Being alone means we're not popular. We're not wanted.
00:12:40
Speaker
We don't have friends. Ouch. That for me is a big one. That's what that means for me. I think if I'm alone, well, nobody's calling me to do anything. And maybe people don't like me. Like there's a whole spiral because that's what I grew up with.
00:12:57
Speaker
Right. I mean, and you even more than me because you're younger than me. So you've had social media in your life even longer than I have. You just have a really healthy balance with it all. And fear of missing out is a huge thing.
00:13:09
Speaker
So the fear of missing out, which we know people that we love that have huge fears of missing out, but that convinces us that being by ourself, right?
00:13:19
Speaker
Equals that we're missing out in all these great things in life, right? That are obviously not being alone and are obviously wild and fun and partying and crocheting clubs even could be wild fun partying clubs.
00:13:34
Speaker
So the fear of missing out is like a real thing, which is why you can't accept that being alone is healthy. And then i think old wounds are a big thing.
00:13:47
Speaker
My poor parents, thank goodness they don't listen to any that. So if you've ever been like abandoned, my parents have not abandoned me or neglected me, but growing up, I was left out a lot in school ages that probably really affect my my social well-being, right? I was always picked last in dodgeball, always. Oh,
00:14:12
Speaker
However, me growing up, it was a lot different than, than, you know, the generation that's growing up now, because at least I didn't know when Sally didn't invite me to that party, you and I talk about this at least on every five or six episodes.
00:14:25
Speaker
And now you know that. So you want to talk about feeling alone. That's a hurt that you can't seem to get over. and of course you never want to feel that way. So now you never want to be alone. You want to be invited right to anything and everything that there is out there. Even if it's something you don't want to do.
00:14:42
Speaker
And I found myself doing that where I i had that fear of missing out. So I tagged along and then I was like, why am I even here? This isn't me. Right. But you know, i had that feeling. Yeah.
00:14:55
Speaker
And you're like, i I want to be a part of something. You know, and even and especially I think if you've been hurt in the quiet before, then it's really hard to believe that the quiet can actually heal you. Right. Because I think for me, i take that quiet and it's it was hurtful.
00:15:14
Speaker
So for me, I think it was more about, you know, not really fitting in. I was a, i you know, I don't know. was, I was a great kid. I was just, i was a little bit chubby, you know, um we lived in Florida, like years that were like kind of manifesting me into, you know, the the person I am now, but it was hot.
00:15:35
Speaker
So I didn't want to go outside. So I just ate my Doritos and i i watched TV. I wasn't really involved in sports. Sports have come a long way. When I was young, it was just like little leagues, but now like there's all this other stuff.
00:15:47
Speaker
So for me, i wasn't invited a lot of places. So the quiet was kind of negative, right? I was gaining weight because I was bored. I was quiet. I was gaining weight because I wasn't invited anywhere. Mm-hmm. So I think that's really why I am. I'm i'm i'm self-diagnosing and I have no business doing that. But I think that's why I'm on overdrive. But it makes sense.
00:16:09
Speaker
I mean, I feel that's why I'm on overdrive. Yeah. Yeah. So you need to leave me alone in my room more often. All right. That's a hard thing to do. I'm going to unplug your phone. I want. So you can't call me from the other room.
00:16:22
Speaker
And I do call Chantel like 58 times a day. I just yell for her. go, Chantel. Yeah. That's because I need you, not because I'm afraid to be alone. Well, this is work stuff. At least I think so. Um, so turning loneliness into healthy solitude.
00:16:37
Speaker
This is where we have to get our tools out and we have to practice it. And we have to realize it's probably going to be a little bit uncomfortable. And I don't like being uncomfortable. Mm-hmm.
00:16:48
Speaker
But you don't grow unless you're uncomfortable. So there's probably going to be a little bit of uncomfortableness in this. But if loneliness is a wound for you and connection is the treatment, not just any connection, but meaningful connection, then you've got to figure that out, right? You have to identify the need.
00:17:05
Speaker
um Is it that you need emotional support? Is it that you need companionship? Do you need a listening ear? Right? Like, is that the reason that you can't be alone?
Meaningful Connections vs. Surface Interactions
00:17:19
Speaker
Is there something going on in your life and you need to talk to somebody? Because of course.
00:17:23
Speaker
You know, you shouldn't isolate yourself. It makes it worse. It doesn't make it better. So you got to figure that out. And seeking quality over quantity is a big thing. One real conversation, I say this to my kids all the time, is so much better than 20 surface level conversations.
00:17:41
Speaker
You need to find a person that you can go to and dig deep into and have that conversation that's going to make a difference. Not 20 meaningless conversations where, you know, those are your friends that aren't even paying attention to you as you're speaking. And you know what I'm saying?
00:17:57
Speaker
So if you're feeling lonely and you want to get out of that, you've got to figure out the person that needs to be your go-to person. That's important because a lot of times I feel I've gone to people, I'm like, my gosh, why would I even think they can help me or that they care to help me or whatever the reason was? I'm like, this is what I'm going to for advice.
00:18:17
Speaker
And I think like you got to dig deep. Like whose opinion do you really value that you feel is really going to listen? Right? Well, yeah.
00:18:28
Speaker
You don't want to pour your heart out and get nothing back or no help or support or judgment. Right? And 20 surface level conversations are going to give you 20 different things anyways.
00:18:42
Speaker
So whose opinion do you value? Because if you're feeling lonely, don't search for 20 answers. I think if you're feeling lonely, you figure out who you need to talk to. And, you know, in order to try to get you out of that, practicing,
00:18:57
Speaker
Solo enjoyments. So that is where you're alone. Chantel's giggling slightly over there. I knew she would.
Practicing Solitude and Language Shift
00:19:04
Speaker
Okay. I'm never doing this. I'm going to, you're going to start smaller than this, but I'm telling you right now, I am never going to a restaurant by myself.
00:19:13
Speaker
I am never watching a movie by myself. I would maybe do a hobby alone, crocheting. I'll do that alone. I'll do, you know, hiking alone. You read by yourself. I read by myself. I'll do all that alone.
00:19:25
Speaker
I am not going to a restaurant alone. Do you go to restaurants alone? i have. I can't do that. It's not my favorite, but in those situations, I typically bring a book and I i read.
00:19:38
Speaker
So you've, you've, okay. So I like that because you've also got something to be alone, but busy yourself while you're alone. I'd go to the movies by myself.
00:19:51
Speaker
My husband doesn't love the movies. He'll go. But if there's something I really want to see and he doesn't want to go, I'll go. We have to see Elphaba part two coming out. Check.
00:20:02
Speaker
um I guess I might be able to do a movie alone if it was the middle of the day and nobody else was really there. You go to the movie theater with the reclining seats. Okay. I'll never do a movie any other way.
00:20:15
Speaker
I just don't know that we can do restaurants. So I'm saying that these these tools are not going to help all of you because I'm already saying, Krista Jones, being vulnerable and honest, I'm not eating by myself.
00:20:25
Speaker
I'm probably not going to a theme park by myself, even though I know single riders. You do get in quicker. i don't know if I'd do that either. But I don't enjoy theme parks that much to begin with. Okay. It's got to be things that I really enjoy.
00:20:38
Speaker
And practicing doing them alone is healthy. Reframing language. So instead of saying things like, Oh, I'm alone.
00:20:48
Speaker
Like saying things like I'm with myself. That's a good show. I'm with my best friend. I'm with my bestie, me. I don't know. But ah rephrasing language has been a big thing for me this last year or two.
00:21:03
Speaker
Trying to take stinking thinking, in which was one of our episodes, trying to take all of that and instead talking to myself positively. Like who cares that I'm alone? Like that's not the end of the world.
00:21:17
Speaker
Nope. I'm with myself. What's that song? Me, myself, and I. ah Yeah. If you could keep singing that, that would be good. That's all I know. Okay. Me too. Digital detox blocks. 30 minutes in quiet without your phone at all.
00:21:32
Speaker
As the phone rings. As I'm like, oh gosh, I didn't turn the volume down on the phone. 30 minutes. We talk about this, Chantal, almost every podcast, right? About whether it's you need to have self-care, whether it's get rid of negative Nellies, whether it's stop comparing yourself to another person.
00:21:51
Speaker
Now we're talking about being alone compared to being lonely. Get off of social media, get away from your phone, get away from your computer, get away from all of it and just sit for 15 to 30 minutes, take a walk, whatever you need to do.
00:22:09
Speaker
Because if you do not detox, right? People are like, well, I am alone. Okay, buddy, but you're on your phone scrolling through TikTok for two or three hours. You know, we need to be okay with actually being alone with absolutely nothing to do. And you know, sometimes when I'm scrolling by myself, that's when I feel the most lonely is watching everybody else live their lives, doing their things. And I'm.
00:22:34
Speaker
Comparison. Yes. And that's when I feel lonely. Which makes sense. Yeah. So stop
Digital Detox for True Solitude
00:22:41
Speaker
that. Maybe you can't do 30 minutes, but try to do 10 minutes.
00:22:45
Speaker
The average adult spends 284 minutes day their phone. That's. eighty four minutes a day on their phone That is a lot of minutes. So my phone has this ridiculous number on it every single day.
00:23:01
Speaker
I think it's because my Facebook doesn't shut off its scrolls in the background. At least I'm hoping so. But you would be appalled if you could see M anywhere from 11 to 14 hours day. What?
00:23:12
Speaker
fourteen hours a day It's got to be because these apps are running in the background. But honestly, i can absolutely see this 284. That would be a little over what? Four hours, 100%, four to five hours a day.
00:23:28
Speaker
i bet you I'm on that thing that much between using it for emails, using it, you know, to scroll social media, texting, taking pictures. I don't take selfies. At all. Never doing that.
00:23:38
Speaker
But all of that stuff, looking up recipes on Pinterest. For those of you that don't know, we cook here in the Hudson Valley in New York. We make delicious homemade meals for families and individuals that are suffering from cancer. So I'm on my phone a lot on Pinterest, pinning things.
00:23:54
Speaker
But all that four to five minutes, mean, four to five hours a day. That's a lot of time. And like you said, that's compounding you feeling lonely. and you don't think so. You think that this is noise in the background that's helping you not feeling lonely, but no, not at all. I think that's exactly it. As you think you're treating the loneliness with it, but it's only making it worse. It is because fear missing out is coming in. Cause that's where you see everything. Comparison, like you just said, is coming in.
00:24:19
Speaker
And then, you know, you're, you know, Krista Jones, I am a detective, social media detective. I'll see something and I'll be like, well, who is that person? And I, And then I'll go there and I'll be like, and what disease do they have? And like, I do all that stuff.
00:24:33
Speaker
Yep. And not helpful. Not at all. At all. So these are all things that you can do in order, right? You need to start getting comfortable being alone with yourself.
Signals of Loneliness and Self-Love
00:24:46
Speaker
Lonely means you're restless. You feel invisible, right? You're craving validation somewhere and you're constantly checking your phone. And I do that all the time.
00:24:58
Speaker
So I'm like, oh my gosh, alone means you're calm and you're focused and you're creative and and you feel recharged. Yeah, I read this quote and it's, you're better off being alone than with a person who makes you feel lonely.
00:25:15
Speaker
Or back to that quote, right? Feeling lonely in a crowded room. And how many people do we have in our life that do that to us, that make us feel unseen and without really getting, i mean, we have other episodes that we've talked about, you know, friendships and things, but this is really all part of it.
00:25:33
Speaker
Like you probably can identify if you're listening to us situations or people that don't make you feel good. And it's a hard thing to do. And you know, you're, you're afraid to cut them off. And part of that is because then you'll be lonely. Then you won't have that friend, but really they're sucking up this energy that is making you feel worse. That is making you feel more alone, more lonely.
00:25:56
Speaker
had to correct myself. Then feeling better, And at the end of the day, those, you know, all of this comes into play and we really need to, I think, look at a million different factors of things that we don't really take into consideration that really aren't helping us. They're hurting us.
00:26:15
Speaker
They're really not adding to our progress. They're really just kind of throwing us behind. So being alone doesn't mean that you are missing something. Sometimes it means you're finally giving yourself what you actually have been missing.
00:26:32
Speaker
Loneliness, it's a signal. It's not a sentence. It's your heart way of telling you maybe it needs more connection. Maybe it needs more belonging, more love from others, but maybe it just needs more love from yourself. So the next time that you find yourself in the quiet,
00:26:51
Speaker
Ask yourself, am I here by choice or am here because I'm hurt? The answer to that question could change everything. If you love us, which we hope you do, and Exhausted Sparrows Unite, you can check out what the charity does at sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:27:10
Speaker
And you can send us messages on Facebook. Look us up. Until next time, please be kind to yourself and each other.