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The Importance of Having High Standards & Firm Boundaries
73 Plays3 years ago
The Queens intro with some housekeeping issues and then dig deep in the FDS vault to talk about the importance of setting high standards during the initial dating phases, as well as the difference between boundaries and standards.
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Transcript
Introduction to Podcorn and Sponsorship Opportunities
00:00:00
Speaker
This episode of the Female Dating Strategy Podcast has been brought to you by Podcorn.com.
00:00:04
Speaker
We've used it to connect with other female-led podcasts, some of which you may have heard advertised on our show.
00:00:10
Speaker
We primarily use Podcorn to find our advertisers.
00:00:13
Speaker
It's a great matchmaking service between advertisers and podcast creators.
00:00:18
Speaker
And with Podcorn, there isn't a middleman.
00:00:20
Speaker
And this means that we've been able to work alongside other brands and seek out opportunities that best fit with us.
00:00:27
Speaker
Podcorn is a marketplace connecting podcasters to amazing podcast sponsorship opportunities such as host-read ads, interview segments, topical discussions, and more.
00:00:36
Speaker
If you are looking for a platform that will give you full creative control, as well as give you access to a marketplace that can connect you with other like-minded podcasters and brands, then sign up to Podcorn and start browsing sponsorship opportunities.
00:00:49
Speaker
Explore sponsorship opportunities and start monetizing your podcast by signing up at podcorn.com forward slash podcasters.
00:00:56
Speaker
That's podcorn.com forward slash podcasters.
00:00:59
Speaker
Check the link in the show notes.
00:01:01
Speaker
Hey
Community Engagement and Patreon Benefits
00:01:02
Speaker
Queens, are you ready to level up?
00:01:04
Speaker
Then join our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy, where you can find weekly bonus content and FDS commentary on all the latest pop culture relationship and dating news.
00:01:17
Speaker
If you just want to listen to the extra bonus content, we have the Lurker Mode tier on our Patreon.
00:01:22
Speaker
If you want merchandise, access to the private FDS Patreon Discord, which also includes a monthly book club with FDS and feminist themed books, as well as FDS merchandise, t-shirts, mugs, and the opportunity to discuss topics with the FDS Podcast Queens live.
00:01:39
Speaker
as well as submit stories for our Rose to Scope, Queen, and Nasus discussions on the podcast itself.
00:01:45
Speaker
So if you'd like access to all this and more, visit our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:01:58
Speaker
What's
Host Dynamics and Absence Explanation
00:01:59
Speaker
up, queens?
00:01:59
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:02:03
Speaker
I'm Rote.
00:02:04
Speaker
I'm Lilith.
00:02:05
Speaker
And today is just us.
00:02:06
Speaker
Savannah's out right now having surgery.
00:02:09
Speaker
So we're just letting people know because we don't want anybody to think we were talking over her the entire episode.
00:02:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:15
Speaker
We're just letting you know she's not actually here.
00:02:19
Speaker
I just want you to know that Savannah is unfortunately not with us this week.
00:02:22
Speaker
Yeah, she's having surgery.
00:02:23
Speaker
I promise you she's not like secretly in this episode and us talking over the entire time.
00:02:27
Speaker
I promise.
00:02:29
Speaker
Which I wanted to let people know about that because a few episodes back, we had some comments on the subreddit about people being like, they won't shut up.
00:02:35
Speaker
They're always talking over Savannah.
00:02:37
Speaker
So that's true.
00:02:38
Speaker
First of all, Savannah's an introvert, okay?
00:02:40
Speaker
She's talked about this before.
00:02:41
Speaker
This is just our dynamic, because me and Ro, we're extroverts.
00:02:45
Speaker
We're just like that.
00:02:46
Speaker
And Savannah, you know what?
00:02:47
Speaker
We cut these moments out where, like, Savannah is about to say something, and then me and Ro are like, shut the fuck up.
00:02:52
Speaker
Savannah's saying something.
00:02:53
Speaker
Like...
00:02:53
Speaker
Okay, no, that's not what happens.
00:02:55
Speaker
Savannah only talks when she has something like really, really important to say.
00:02:59
Speaker
And so we're like... But the other problem is, is actually it's a tech issue.
00:03:03
Speaker
So yeah, I told people about this in the discord that for whatever reason, when she's recording, we hear her like two, three seconds after she talks.
00:03:12
Speaker
I can hear Lilith in real time, but...
00:03:14
Speaker
Every once in a while, or at least maybe actually sometimes every other time we record, Savannah's upload stream is actually slower than ours.
00:03:20
Speaker
So sometimes it's just that we actually can't hear her talking until we've already started talking.
00:03:24
Speaker
So then we start talking because we think there's a pause, but actually she's talking.
00:03:28
Speaker
We just can't hear it yet.
00:03:29
Speaker
So some of that is just something we try to be mindful of because we know she's on a delay, but sometimes we actually forget.
00:03:35
Speaker
Just FYI, y'all.
00:03:36
Speaker
But either way, she's not here, so.
00:03:38
Speaker
But also, like, me and you, like, extroverts, we have a tendency to just, like, talk for the sake of talking and just fill the air, even if we have no point, and just, like, eventually we'll get there.
00:03:48
Speaker
Like, sometimes I'll have an idea in my head that's not fully formulated, and I'll just start talking and hopefully get there by the end of the sentence, whereas Savannah only speaks when she has a fully formed, properly articulated thought, because that's just how introverts be.
00:04:02
Speaker
And that's okay.
00:04:03
Speaker
We love her for it, so.
00:04:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:05
Speaker
So we'll see her in a few weeks.
00:04:06
Speaker
So everyone collecting our well wishes.
00:04:09
Speaker
But she's okay.
00:04:10
Speaker
She's fine, but she's just having some surgery.
00:04:11
Speaker
So, all right.
00:04:12
Speaker
So housekeeping stuff.
00:04:14
Speaker
Okay.
00:04:14
Speaker
Few
Netflix Recommendation: Anatomy of a Scandal
00:04:15
Speaker
announcements I want to make.
00:04:16
Speaker
Number one, I'm obsessed with this new TV show and every one of you should watch it.
00:04:20
Speaker
It's on Netflix.
00:04:21
Speaker
It's only six episodes.
00:04:22
Speaker
It's a mini series.
00:04:23
Speaker
It's called Anatomy of a Scandal.
00:04:25
Speaker
It's got Michelle Dockery, Sienna Miller, Robert Friend or whatever it
00:04:28
Speaker
Anyways, it's got great acting.
00:04:30
Speaker
It's basically sort of like a Me Too sort of themed kind of show.
00:04:34
Speaker
It's a thriller.
00:04:35
Speaker
I was just on the edge of my seat, biting my nails the whole time.
00:04:39
Speaker
Like at the end of every episode, I was like, next episode, because it leaves you on a cliffhanger.
00:04:42
Speaker
I binged the entire thing in one sitting and I loved it.
00:04:45
Speaker
And then after I finished it, I was like, this was amazing.
00:04:48
Speaker
I wonder what other people on the internet are saying about it.
00:04:51
Speaker
And to my surprise, almost every single episode
00:04:54
Speaker
Mainstream media article about it was trashing it.
00:04:57
Speaker
And like on Reddit being like, oh, this is unrealistic.
00:05:01
Speaker
And it felt like they were looking for like minor errors, like, oh, there's this plot hole, or I didn't think this was realistic, or I didn't think the rape victim was very likable, or...
00:05:10
Speaker
I thought the lawyer was a workaholic, like boring, you know, smart girl kind of thing.
00:05:15
Speaker
You know, like there's so much backlash against it over really minor things that we're totally ignoring what I liked about the show.
00:05:21
Speaker
And so we're going to do an analysis about this show in a few weeks when Savannah's back because it's set in the UK and I want Savannah to be there for it.
00:05:27
Speaker
And the episode title is going to be something like in defense of anatomy of a scandal, because I love the show.
00:05:32
Speaker
Everyone hates it.
00:05:33
Speaker
And I'm going to defend why I love this show.
00:05:35
Speaker
And I want everyone else to listen to it before we do this analysis.
00:05:38
Speaker
So I gave you your homework.
00:05:40
Speaker
Free advertising for Netflix who apparently needs it.
00:05:43
Speaker
I guess, yeah.
00:05:43
Speaker
Because their Q1 numbers came out and we'll still be here watching it because we think there's a lot of analysis to be had.
00:05:50
Speaker
Netflix wants to sponsor us in the future and get their numbers up.
00:05:53
Speaker
We're here.
00:05:54
Speaker
Yeah, like what I hate about the media critique is that they all were focusing on like really minor things to me and completely ignoring what I liked about it, which was that I like how, first of all, it shows it really accurately portrays how defending your rapist husband will make you look like a clown.
00:06:10
Speaker
And two, how, you know, seemingly nice guys or guys who are really popular or famous or whatever can be fucking rapists.
00:06:16
Speaker
Okay.
00:06:17
Speaker
But I feel like a lot of people are just uncomfortable with that message, but we'll do a more detailed analysis in future weeks.
00:06:22
Speaker
What's the other housekeeping thing?
00:06:24
Speaker
newsletter
Female Dating Strategy and Newsletter Launch
00:06:25
Speaker
oh yeah sign up for our newsletter you know the subreddit is private now it's going to be private for i don't know for future an undisclosed amount of time for like a while yeah probably forever but i don't know we're not like we'll see we're not we quit we told you guys we're all
00:06:41
Speaker
quitting.
00:06:42
Speaker
It's going to be closed indefinitely.
00:06:43
Speaker
So, you know, if you're sad about that and you miss FDS content, there's the podcast, but also we have a newsletter.
00:06:50
Speaker
So if you sign up for our website, it automatically signs you up for the newsletter.
00:06:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:53
Speaker
The femaledatingstrategy.com.
00:06:55
Speaker
If you go on the website, there's a light box and also a section at the bottom of the page where you can sign up for the newsletter, or you can log in, create an account if you're already on there talking, you know, asking dating questions, et cetera.
00:07:06
Speaker
So you can be signed up for the newsletter and
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:07:09
Speaker
And so it'll be carefully curated content.
00:07:12
Speaker
So hopefully it'll be like better content than what the algorithm tells you to look at on Reddit.
00:07:17
Speaker
You know, we had this problem with the subreddit where actual good strategy posts kept getting ignored or weren't getting as many upvotes.
00:07:24
Speaker
And we're always at the bottom of the queue.
00:07:26
Speaker
Whereas, you know, the meme posts or like TikToks and low effort content, we're always getting the most upvotes and we're always at the top of the page.
00:07:33
Speaker
So we're hoping that the newsletter will be able to curate actual good content that people will like.
00:07:39
Speaker
And not just about dating.
00:07:41
Speaker
Be able to curate stuff across... About politics and stuff, yeah.
00:07:45
Speaker
Yeah, across the spectrum.
00:07:46
Speaker
Be able to curate ideas and content and important news from across the internet that we think will be really relevant to women's lives.
00:07:56
Speaker
And also from the general FDS humor bent.
00:07:59
Speaker
So condensed stories, relevant stories, hilarious shit, us dragging people.
00:08:05
Speaker
Like FDS takes on like mainstream media or, you know, other women's media.
00:08:11
Speaker
Things you should know.
00:08:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:12
Speaker
And also things to make your life better.
00:08:14
Speaker
So yeah.
00:08:15
Speaker
Dragging stupid Cosmo shit.
00:08:17
Speaker
Like, yeah, you'll see.
00:08:18
Speaker
Or stuff we like, just like products.
00:08:20
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:20
Speaker
Things that we think will make your life better, etc.
00:08:23
Speaker
So it's kind of like combining female level up strategy with female dating strategy.
00:08:28
Speaker
And female political strategy.
00:08:29
Speaker
Yeah, political strategy.
00:08:30
Speaker
So it's going to be a lot of little things like that.
00:08:33
Speaker
So we hope you guys like it.
00:08:34
Speaker
Please sign up and support us and let us know what you think.
00:08:37
Speaker
Also, there's some merchandise on the website.
00:08:39
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
New Merchandise and Rewards System
00:08:40
Speaker
We now have merchandise.
00:08:41
Speaker
We do.
00:08:42
Speaker
We now have merchandise on the website.
00:08:43
Speaker
There's also a rewards system.
00:08:45
Speaker
If you go to the website and you click on the rewards in the bottom left-hand corner, you can get points for liking us on Facebook and on Twitter and on Instagram.
00:08:55
Speaker
And then you can redeem those points for a discount on FDS merchandise.
00:08:59
Speaker
So check that out on thefemaledatingstrategy.com.
00:09:02
Speaker
I want to give a shout out to Ro actually for designing.
00:09:05
Speaker
My favorite one is the roast-a-scroat apron.
00:09:07
Speaker
And when I saw that, I was crying laughing because it's like a picture of like a sausage being skewered and like fire, like roasted over a flame with like roast-a-scroat and it's an apron.
00:09:20
Speaker
So I totally want to get one.
00:09:22
Speaker
I'm going to wear it every time I cook and just feel like immense pride because I love that.
00:09:27
Speaker
And I got that idea from our Patreon Discord subscribers though.
00:09:32
Speaker
I designed it, but they gave me the idea.
00:09:34
Speaker
Okay.
00:09:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:35
Speaker
True.
00:09:36
Speaker
True.
00:09:36
Speaker
So credit to Ro for designing it, but also credit to our Patreon discord subscribers for giving us that idea.
00:09:42
Speaker
And in fact, we get a lot of ideas from our Patreon discord subscribers.
00:09:45
Speaker
So if you want to submit ideas for merch or for episodes or anything like that, you can sign up for our Patreon, join the queen shit or level up tier and talk to us.
Group Strategy Sessions for Patreon Subscribers
00:09:55
Speaker
Come hang out with us.
00:09:55
Speaker
The water's warm.
00:09:56
Speaker
Should we preview the war room?
00:09:58
Speaker
I almost want to.
00:09:58
Speaker
Oh yeah.
00:09:59
Speaker
War Room.
00:10:00
Speaker
Okay.
00:10:00
Speaker
So we're launching a new thing.
00:10:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:02
Speaker
And we're actually having a new feature for our Patreon subscribers for our queen shit tier.
00:10:08
Speaker
It's $24.99 a month.
00:10:10
Speaker
You can join a new feature called FDS War Room.
00:10:13
Speaker
Now this is something that we've been doing sort of informally with our book club.
00:10:18
Speaker
You know, we have a book club where we talk about, you know, FDS or feminist themed books that I've been leading this past few weeks.
00:10:23
Speaker
And we're
00:10:24
Speaker
What always happens when we have book club is that, you know, someone brings up like a problem that they're having in their life.
00:10:30
Speaker
And then we all sort of like strategize together to help solve it.
00:10:33
Speaker
And so we've called this FDS war room where we want to make this an official thing.
00:10:38
Speaker
Like, right.
00:10:38
Speaker
Instead of having like a book club be like, you know, a pretense, it's like a pretend book club where we actually talk about our personal problems.
00:10:44
Speaker
We're like, okay, let's cut out the middleman.
00:10:46
Speaker
Just talk about our personal problems.
00:10:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:49
Speaker
So the concept is that we're going to do like a group strategy session.
00:10:53
Speaker
So if you're having any type of dating issue or even life issue, professional issue, the war room is designed for you to talk about that question with us, as well as like all of the rest of the discord subscribers who are at that tier who want to talk about it.
00:11:06
Speaker
And we can strategize how to fix your life.
00:11:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:08
Speaker
Yeah, we were doing it informally, but I think having this formal session where we can take questions and then directly interact with people would be really good.
00:11:15
Speaker
So we're going to put that on the queen shit tier.
00:11:17
Speaker
Did we want to do once a month, twice a month?
00:11:19
Speaker
We're doing it twice a month, and I will be there for sure.
00:11:22
Speaker
And then we'll swap out Roa and Savannah, because I live for War Room.
00:11:25
Speaker
It's literally my favorite thing on the entire planet.
00:11:27
Speaker
I will never miss an episode, or I will never miss a session of War Room.
00:11:31
Speaker
I love strategizing with people to help them solve their problems.
00:11:34
Speaker
It gives me life.
00:11:36
Speaker
So we'll do the War Room twice a month and we'll announce it beforehand and it'll be a rotating cast of characters.
00:11:41
Speaker
So I think Lilith is going to spearhead this and then Savannah and I will drop in periodically.
00:11:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:46
Speaker
And so if you want to sign up for the Patreon, once again, patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:11:51
Speaker
Okay, so now that we have all of the housekeeping stuff out of the way, we thought we would do some old school FDS.
The Importance of High Standards in Dating
00:11:59
Speaker
Yeah, we're going to delve into the FDS vault, the old school handbook posts, and we wanted to talk about why women having high standards is really important.
00:12:09
Speaker
So this one is titled, Know What Your Standards Are and Stick to Them.
00:12:12
Speaker
Don't Settle for Less.
00:12:13
Speaker
So we thought we would read this because a lot of the old handbook posts have either been deleted or moved or... Or now that we're private, you can't see them.
00:12:21
Speaker
So sorry.
00:12:23
Speaker
Now that we're private, you can't see them.
00:12:26
Speaker
So we thought we would talk about some of them on here as well.
00:12:29
Speaker
Also, this is a post from one of our OG mods.
00:12:31
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:32
Speaker
Average to Hodge.
00:12:33
Speaker
She was one of the first mods.
00:12:34
Speaker
Her and Jammies were in the trenches developing the FDS subreddit in like 2019 when men were attacking them like 24-7, right?
00:12:42
Speaker
So I wanted to give credit where credit is due.
00:12:44
Speaker
This was another post that I read early in my FDS days and it really clicked with me.
00:12:48
Speaker
And so I just wanted to show some appreciation to our FDS elders.
00:12:52
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:12:53
Speaker
So know what your standards are and stick to them.
00:12:55
Speaker
Don't settle for less.
00:12:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:56
Speaker
So know what your standards are and stick to them.
00:12:59
Speaker
Don't settle for less.
00:13:00
Speaker
One way to make your dating experience more seamless is to determine what your standards are and stick to them.
00:13:06
Speaker
How do you want to be treated by your future boyfriend?
00:13:08
Speaker
What non-negotiable qualities should he have?
00:13:11
Speaker
And what are your deal breakers?
00:13:13
Speaker
Examples of this could be, what kind of first dates do you want?
00:13:17
Speaker
Do you prefer a drink date or do you want a man to take you out to a nice restaurant?
00:13:21
Speaker
What caliber of restaurant do you want them to take you to?
00:13:24
Speaker
And this is really important to establish because I think so often as women, we take our cues from society about what we should expect or want from a partner.
00:13:35
Speaker
And one of the very first things that most women learn is to be a cool girl, right?
00:13:38
Speaker
Is to never expect too much and that anything you want is high maintenance and too much.
00:13:42
Speaker
So I think what I love about this post is like by going through the visualization process of like actually how you want to feel and what in your head a first date should look like.
00:13:52
Speaker
you can start to create standards and articulate the things that you want to potential suitors.
00:13:58
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like in dating too often women disregard their own wants or they don't even seem to think or be aware of the things that they actually want in a relationship.
00:14:08
Speaker
Instead of having the mentality of like, this is what I want and how I'm going to get it, they think, oh, this is how I'm going to prove to a man that I'm worthy of being treated well.
00:14:17
Speaker
You know, the woman is feeling like she has to jump through hoops to please him.
00:14:22
Speaker
and prove that, you know, she's worthy of being committed to and so on, rather than thinking about like the stuff that actually she wants.
00:14:29
Speaker
So the next point, do you want them to provide for you, pay for dinners, movie tickets, Uber rides?
00:14:35
Speaker
What kind of restaurants do you want to be taken to?
00:14:37
Speaker
How long would you keep seeing a man who hasn't asked you for exclusivity yet?
00:14:42
Speaker
Author of this post writes, minus two months at most.
00:14:44
Speaker
After that, they're cut off.
00:14:46
Speaker
Are you okay with a man who only wants to see you once a week?
00:14:49
Speaker
Or do you require a man wanting to see you more than that for you to know that he's serious?
00:14:53
Speaker
How long would you wait for him to introduce you to his friends?
00:14:56
Speaker
And when are you going to have sex with him?
00:14:58
Speaker
I think all of these questions are really, really good to work out.
00:15:01
Speaker
I think FDS has, in a lot of ways, given people the tools to try to figure out like what's actually comfortable for them.
00:15:09
Speaker
We have some like hard line rules, right?
00:15:11
Speaker
But we also have softer rules about how often do you see a guy, et cetera.
00:15:16
Speaker
And generally we say like at the beginning, less is a little bit more because, you know, some guys who are trying to love bomb you or like fast track
00:15:22
Speaker
sex.
00:15:22
Speaker
We'll just try to keep seeing you a lot to create a false sense of intimacy that's not sustainable before you figure out they're a piece of shit.
00:15:28
Speaker
So we generally advise, I think early on to take things a little bit slower than most men would try to, because most men are trying to get you to have sex with them.
00:15:37
Speaker
Fast track everything.
00:15:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:39
Speaker
But yeah, I think answering all of these questions for yourself early on would really help you.
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:45
Speaker
And another thing I wanted to point out is that like with FDS, you know, I feel like we have such a bad, like an inaccurate reputation that like, oh, FDS, they're just gold diggers.
00:15:54
Speaker
They just want men who are rich and like pay for restaurants and that kind of thing.
00:15:58
Speaker
Like,
00:15:58
Speaker
There are women out there who say like, well, I don't want that.
00:16:01
Speaker
Like my standards are not that high.
00:16:02
Speaker
And I don't like that.
00:16:03
Speaker
FDS makes me feel like I have to have these super high standards and stuff.
00:16:06
Speaker
What we want is we want women to think more critically about what they actually want and then come up with ways to get that.
00:16:15
Speaker
We're not saying like, oh, there's only one type of man that's like the correct man, you know, like, of course, we encourage women to have high standards.
00:16:24
Speaker
These are questions that we're asking that you should be like, what do I want?
00:16:27
Speaker
Like, ask yourself, what do you want?
00:16:29
Speaker
Kind of thing.
00:16:30
Speaker
Yes, I think it's explained best in the graphic that comes next, which is boundaries versus standards.
00:16:35
Speaker
Yeah, boundaries are designed to keep yourself love intact and prevent you from being manipulated, used and violated.
00:16:41
Speaker
So things like no last minute dates, no calls after 11pm, no Netflix and chill dates, no sex before commitment.
00:16:48
Speaker
I will not tolerate verbal abuse.
00:16:50
Speaker
I will not date anyone still in a relationship with someone else.
00:16:53
Speaker
I will not play the role of mother in my relationships.
00:16:55
Speaker
I will not date someone who disrespects me in any way.
00:16:58
Speaker
I will not chase anyone for love, affection or attention.
00:17:01
Speaker
And I will not pursue anyone who's emotionally unavailable.
00:17:04
Speaker
Versus standards.
00:17:05
Speaker
So boundaries are designed to keep your self-love intact and prevent you from being manipulated, used, or violated.
00:17:10
Speaker
So these are restrictions you put on yourself to make sure that you're not putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of.
00:17:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:17:18
Speaker
And also keep in mind, like, men often mistake boundaries and they confuse boundaries with
00:17:23
Speaker
demands.
00:17:23
Speaker
Like if a woman says like no last minute dates or no calls after 11pm, he's like, oh, so you're just demanding that I do this and this and this for you kind of thing.
00:17:32
Speaker
It's like, no, that's not what we're saying.
00:17:33
Speaker
We're saying this is like boundary that I'm putting on myself.
00:17:36
Speaker
And if you don't meet that, then I'm just gonna reject you kind of thing, right?
00:17:40
Speaker
Like we're not forcing you to do anything.
00:17:41
Speaker
We're just rejecting you if you don't do those things.
00:17:44
Speaker
Exactly.
00:17:44
Speaker
So for the standards portion, standards are the qualities that must be present before you agree to entertain someone romantically.
00:17:51
Speaker
So must have the basics, job, own place, and able to support themselves.
00:17:56
Speaker
Must be in a career they enjoy, no coffee, drive-by dates, must demonstrate integrity, no criminal record or drug use, emotionally, physically, and financially healthy, introspective, and understands how to manage conflict, willing to work towards being the best version of themselves, open to becoming conscious of and working on their own issues, shadow work.
00:18:13
Speaker
And everybody is male and female included is in some stage of development of these qualities, right?
00:18:19
Speaker
But I think for every woman, it's very, very important to have your boundaries so that when you go out to look at types of standards you set for men, that you're not setting your own progress in your life, in your emotional journey, in your spiritual journey, in your physical level up back because you're messing with guys who, first of all, violate your boundaries or who are not up to the standards of where you are in your life.
00:18:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:38
Speaker
You know, with standards, it's important to have.
00:18:40
Speaker
I'm going to get in later about why I think, you know, having high standards is beneficial, not just to the woman, but also to the man and also society and like children in general.
00:18:50
Speaker
You know, people act like we're crazy or unreasonable because we want a man to have a job or have integrity or not have a criminal record.
00:18:56
Speaker
And it's like...
00:18:57
Speaker
When women are selecting a mate, we're not just looking for a guy to have a fun time with.
Benefits of High Standards in Relationships
00:19:02
Speaker
I want to vet a man and have high standards for a man so that I can have the best possible father for my kids.
00:19:08
Speaker
And that's actually just good decision-making skills, right?
00:19:11
Speaker
You know, people make fun of women all the time for choosing the wrong man.
00:19:15
Speaker
You know, if her relationship turns out to be shit, oh, you chose a guy who didn't have a car.
00:19:19
Speaker
You chose a guy who didn't have a job.
00:19:20
Speaker
You chose a guy who has a criminal record.
00:19:22
Speaker
But when women set these standards, people complain, right?
00:19:25
Speaker
So they're going to complain about what you do no matter what.
00:19:27
Speaker
So you may as well just do the most beneficial thing for yourself and let the haters hate.
00:19:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:32
Speaker
So the next paragraph, really think about the kind of dating experience that you want.
00:19:36
Speaker
Your answer shouldn't be colored by your previous bad experiences or what the world tells you to want.
00:19:41
Speaker
Just think about how you want your future boyfriend to treat you in an ideal world.
00:19:44
Speaker
A lot of women fall into the trap of men try to force you into this trap that you're not deserving of certain types of treatment because you have X, Y, and Z. But if you listen to men, honestly, they think you deserve nothing, right?
00:19:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:56
Speaker
And anytime you make a concession on that, you're letting them dictate to you the parameters in which... You're letting them win.
00:20:03
Speaker
You're letting them win.
00:20:03
Speaker
And you're letting them dictate to you the parameters in which you can live your life or the things you can have.
00:20:08
Speaker
And so we kind of joke, but we're like, no, all women have to hold the line on this no matter where you are.
00:20:13
Speaker
Never let men tell you what you deserve.
00:20:16
Speaker
You have the right to set the standards and boundaries in your own life and expect those things.
00:20:21
Speaker
And the sad truth and the reason why they don't want you to realize this is like when you start to own your power, a lot of them will actually acquiesce because ultimately they know they need us more than we need them.
00:20:33
Speaker
Yeah, that's just the reality.
00:20:34
Speaker
So yeah, men will try to get like you to lower your standards.
00:20:38
Speaker
It doesn't mean you'll get every individual man.
00:20:41
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:20:41
Speaker
Like some women are like, well, this guy didn't respect my standards.
00:20:43
Speaker
So that means that I'm not worth that.
00:20:44
Speaker
I'm like, it doesn't mean you'll get every single guy.
00:20:46
Speaker
But like in general, as women start to push back on the types of treatment they expect, men have to acquiesce.
00:20:53
Speaker
So every time you have that little needling thing in your mind, it's like, oh, I don't deserve this.
00:20:57
Speaker
And I shouldn't have this.
00:20:57
Speaker
Like you have to start from the expectation that you do deserve this and you should have this.
00:21:01
Speaker
Yeah, honestly, women need to have more audacity.
00:21:04
Speaker
Like men have way too much audacity.
00:21:06
Speaker
We need to decrease men's audacity, increase women's audacity.
00:21:09
Speaker
That's how we're going to achieve equality.
00:21:12
Speaker
So remember, we just did a roast this girl about a guy who was homeless, lived outside a library, was on food stamps and decided to come up to a random woman and still thought he could have multiple wives.
00:21:24
Speaker
And tell her to be a sister wife and that he would pay for her lunch with his food stamps from 7-Eleven.
00:21:31
Speaker
So that is the audacity that men are working with.
00:21:34
Speaker
You got to understand that.
00:21:36
Speaker
Meanwhile, women will be like, I don't know if I'm like pretty enough to have a man pay for my dates kind of thing, right?
00:21:41
Speaker
Like, here's the other thing.
00:21:42
Speaker
Men often try to be like, oh, you're only mid or you're only a six or something like that.
00:21:46
Speaker
And try to make women feel like they're unattractive.
00:21:49
Speaker
Like, like only hot girls deserve to be treated well and be pampered and so on.
00:21:53
Speaker
But actually, that's not true because they'll say the same thing about really, really beautiful women too, right?
00:21:58
Speaker
Exactly.
00:21:58
Speaker
Like, they'll tell hot women like, oh, your nose is slightly too big or your hair is too blonde or whatever, right?
00:22:04
Speaker
And they'll come up with any reason they think to make a woman devalue.
00:22:08
Speaker
This is actually a strategy that men use specifically against attractive women to get the woman to devalue herself so that she is sexually available to him, right?
00:22:15
Speaker
So don't listen to men saying like, oh, you're not attractive enough or if you don't have all these things yourselves and you're not entitled to demand them from a man.
00:22:22
Speaker
Who cares?
00:22:24
Speaker
Demand away, ladies.
00:22:25
Speaker
Demand it anyway.
00:22:26
Speaker
Who gives a shit?
00:22:27
Speaker
If that's what you want, that's what you want.
00:22:29
Speaker
Like it's the same old adage applies when it comes to just about anything in life.
00:22:33
Speaker
Like have the courage to stand up against your detractors, you know, shoot for the stars and you'll land in the clouds.
00:22:40
Speaker
Right.
00:22:40
Speaker
What's the other thing with men, especially a lot of times women who are very beautiful and valuable, like men neg them on purpose.
00:22:47
Speaker
I think that's what Lilith is trying to say.
00:22:48
Speaker
So yeah.
00:22:49
Speaker
A lot of times if you're listening to the feedback that you're getting from men to determine your value, you're doing it wrong because it's going to be distorted based on whatever their personal... You're doing what they want.
00:22:58
Speaker
You're doing what they want, but also it's going to be distorted based on whatever their personal agendas are, right?
00:23:02
Speaker
So like if you're getting negged a lot, you might think, oh, I'm not that pretty.
00:23:06
Speaker
We've all seen this.
00:23:07
Speaker
We all have had friends or seen women who are ridiculously gorgeous and their self-esteem is in the gutter, right?
00:23:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:13
Speaker
Like, and they just get treated like trash and you have other women who are maybe are not as conventionally attractive and they don't have these problems, man.
00:23:19
Speaker
Like it's not a coincidence.
00:23:21
Speaker
It's just about setting your own personal integrity and believing in that and filtering out the people in your life as much as you can, who would detract from that.
00:23:29
Speaker
And there's no more important place to do that than in your relationship.
00:23:33
Speaker
And then maybe arguably your job as well, but you have so much more control in your relation.
00:23:37
Speaker
The most consequential.
00:23:39
Speaker
Most consequential.
00:23:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:40
Speaker
Yeah, your job and your personal life.
00:23:42
Speaker
Those are the most consequential areas in your life where having high standards will be so impactful.
00:23:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:48
Speaker
Okay, so moving on, it says, what if I told you that how you want to be treated is very much possible?
00:23:53
Speaker
I know the world always tells us to lower our standards and to be realistic.
00:23:57
Speaker
People try to invalidate your real needs and they tell you to settle for someone who can't give you what you want.
00:24:02
Speaker
It's how they try to excuse men's subpar behavior.
00:24:05
Speaker
Instead of a man changing his behavior, apparently we should be the ones who should accept less than exemplary behavior and reward them with our youth and feminine presence.
00:24:12
Speaker
Yeah, this is the lie and the devil's bargain because you'll never be able to acquiesce enough for scrote audacity.
00:24:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:18
Speaker
Just period.
00:24:18
Speaker
The more concessions you give them, the less respect they'll have for you also.
00:24:23
Speaker
Men hate women who have high standards, but they desire them at the same time.
00:24:26
Speaker
Women who have lower standards, they might use you for sex or whatever, but they don't respect you, right?
00:24:31
Speaker
So why would you do that?
00:24:33
Speaker
fall for the like, oh, I love you.
00:24:35
Speaker
I respect you lip service.
00:24:36
Speaker
They'll treat you like they don't respect you, right?
00:24:39
Speaker
They'll be disrespectful of your time.
00:24:40
Speaker
They'll talk.
00:24:41
Speaker
Sometimes they'll talk a good game, but then when you look at the actual behavior, it doesn't back it up because they actually don't treat you with respect because you haven't set those boundaries appropriately.
00:24:50
Speaker
In fact, it's actually pretty safe to just ignore anything that a man says and only pay attention to his actual behavior because that's where the truth lies.
00:24:58
Speaker
Right.
00:24:58
Speaker
And I think now more than ever, with women having the ability to really go out and if you want to live independently of men, you don't have to make as many concessions.
00:25:07
Speaker
And I think
Financial Independence and Relationship Standards
00:25:08
Speaker
they're just hoping we don't figure that shit out, right?
00:25:10
Speaker
I think the only thing that's going to be tougher is if you're trying to date a guy who makes more money than you.
00:25:14
Speaker
Like if you're trying to basically love up through other men through your marriage or your finances.
00:25:18
Speaker
But again, if you want to put yourself in this type of circle where...
00:25:21
Speaker
men who have money and you want leverage in that environment, then you want to always put yourself in the position to take care of yourself and have proper boundaries that if you're in a bad situation, you can get out of that, which means like as much as possible, have your own money, boundaries in place, have your standards in place and seek out that environment that you can have it in.
00:25:37
Speaker
And don't be afraid to demand it, quite frankly.
00:25:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:41
Speaker
So as an empowered woman, you have to own up to your desires.
00:25:44
Speaker
Never accept something that doesn't align with what you truly desire.
00:25:48
Speaker
Love yourself enough to honor your desires.
00:25:51
Speaker
When you accept nothing less than what you want, it allows you to cut through the bullshit.
00:25:54
Speaker
You don't have to think, oh, is him doing X acceptable?
00:25:57
Speaker
Should I be okay with this?
00:25:59
Speaker
What should I do to make him change his mind?
00:26:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:01
Speaker
Don't be a fucking feature on am I the asshole.
00:26:04
Speaker
Have you ever noticed that on the subreddit, am I the asshole?
00:26:06
Speaker
It's always the man being like, hey, um, yeah, I like took a shit in my wife's bed and called her a stupid bitch for not wanting it.
00:26:12
Speaker
Am I the asshole?
00:26:13
Speaker
Like him is being an obvious asshole and hers is like, I asked my husband to stop shitting in my bed and I asked him to stop verbally abusing me and he called me a cunt.
00:26:22
Speaker
Am I the asshole?
00:26:23
Speaker
Like, you know, don't be like, is him doing this unacceptable thing acceptable?
00:26:27
Speaker
Should I be okay with it?
00:26:28
Speaker
What should I do to make him change his mind?
00:26:29
Speaker
Like too many women try to justify bad male behavior instead of just
00:26:32
Speaker
Cutting him off.
00:26:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:34
Speaker
When you honor your standards, you instead communicate to a man, frankly, what kind of behavior or quality you expect from a man.
00:26:40
Speaker
Examples from my personal life.
00:26:42
Speaker
If a man wants to take me to a restaurant that I don't find date appropriate, I tell him frankly that I'm accustomed to nicer places.
00:26:48
Speaker
You can either find a restaurant that would please me or he can find another date.
00:26:51
Speaker
Yeah, facts.
00:26:52
Speaker
And any guy that tries to shame you about that, he's crazy.
00:26:55
Speaker
He's low value.
00:26:56
Speaker
He's low value.
00:26:57
Speaker
Immediately low value.
00:26:58
Speaker
This is one of those like immediate deal breakers.
00:27:00
Speaker
If he tries to lowball you, then he's either really broke or he's trying to neg you down, right?
00:27:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:07
Speaker
Another example.
00:27:07
Speaker
I meet a man in a group setting.
00:27:09
Speaker
We go out and are affectionate with each other.
00:27:11
Speaker
But when we meet again in a group setting, he doesn't act like how he'd act when we were on a date.
00:27:15
Speaker
I ignore him at the end of the night.
00:27:16
Speaker
And when he asked me what's wrong, I tell him that I prefer guys who treat me in public, like how they treat me privately when we go out on dates.
00:27:22
Speaker
I didn't say it in a needy way.
00:27:24
Speaker
I just tell him what my expectations are and it's up to him to step up and change if he wants to keep me.
00:27:28
Speaker
Recently, I've learned how valuable honesty is.
00:27:31
Speaker
The more honest you are about your real desires and your standards, the more men will respect you and treat you like girlfriend material.
00:27:36
Speaker
I've done the two examples I've provided recently with a man and the man in question did find a nicer restaurant and he did change his behavior and was so regretful that he treated me that way.
00:27:45
Speaker
He said that he didn't mean to do that and was just respectful of my space and that it was the last time he'll mess up like that again.
00:27:51
Speaker
I've made it clear to him how I expect to be treated and he changed his behavior because he wants to keep me.
00:27:55
Speaker
Since then, he has shown me in a group setting that we're an item and he has also asked for my exclusivity.
00:28:00
Speaker
That's how you know a man values you.
00:28:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:02
Speaker
So this is a paragraph I remember got ripped up from Jezebel Tracy Clark Flory because she was saying like, oh, these girls are trying to change a man.
00:28:09
Speaker
And I feel like that was such a fundamental misreading of what this paragraph was.
00:28:13
Speaker
Like the point isn't to have standards because you think you're going to manipulate men into doing things.
00:28:17
Speaker
The point is to have standards to communicate what you want, how you expect to be treated.
00:28:21
Speaker
And if he steps up, then he steps up.
00:28:23
Speaker
If he doesn't, he doesn't.
00:28:24
Speaker
Right.
00:28:24
Speaker
Well, yeah, because Tracy Clark Flory is the type of girl to be like, yes, I'd love to go to a dive bar.
00:28:29
Speaker
Yes, I'd love to let you come on my face on the first date.
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, she's a clown.
00:28:34
Speaker
to give you a blowjob in the car on the way to the first date to prove that I'm worth you paying for a date for me kind of shit right like these are just reasonable boundaries and communicating your boundaries but for whatever reason like she read into this as manipulation or that we're trying to change men like I thought it was like an odd interpretation and I guess I can see that coming for someone who notoriously has poor boundaries and poor sense when it comes to men but
00:28:56
Speaker
Why they would feel personally attacked?
00:28:57
Speaker
Why they would feel personally attacked by this.
00:28:59
Speaker
Because I'm like, this is just you saying, I like this, I don't like this, etc.
00:29:03
Speaker
Right?
00:29:03
Speaker
When we talk about communication and how you need to communicate to your partner, this is an example of that, right?
00:29:08
Speaker
This is a perfect example of you communicating a boundary.
00:29:11
Speaker
Yeah!
00:29:12
Speaker
I find it so weird how lipfems will be like, well, have you communicated with him whenever a man is being like shitty or abusive?
00:29:19
Speaker
But when we talk about things like, I like when men take me to nicer restaurants, or I like when men talk about, you know, how we're an item, you know, in public or something like that.
00:29:28
Speaker
When we communicate with them, they say, this is manipulation.
00:29:31
Speaker
This is unacceptable.
00:29:32
Speaker
Like, and you're trying to change a man or you're changing yourself to get a man or whatever.
00:29:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:37
Speaker
I don't know.
00:29:38
Speaker
It's asking him to adjust his behavior in a way that's more accommodating to you.
00:29:42
Speaker
And a person who is into you, especially a man, will respect that, right?
00:29:45
Speaker
This is not even asking for something physical or something that he has to acquire.
00:29:49
Speaker
This is just a standard of behavior when it comes to how you expect to be treated.
00:29:53
Speaker
Like, that's so important for women to understand and communicate.
00:29:56
Speaker
The thing with lip fems is they think it's unreasonable for women to want to be treated well.
00:30:01
Speaker
Like they actually seem to think that women should want to be treated badly or that like women who want to be treated well are like unreasonable or crazy or whatever.
00:30:09
Speaker
And that anything that we do to try to be treated well is unacceptable.
00:30:13
Speaker
And that's why we should ignore them.
00:30:14
Speaker
Let me break this down based on the boundaries versus standards discussion.
00:30:17
Speaker
So the boundary that she's setting is that for her to feel emotionally secure in herself, as well as the relationship, she one likes to go to places that she feels are reflective of how she likes to treat herself.
00:30:30
Speaker
Right.
00:30:30
Speaker
And also...
00:30:31
Speaker
wants a man to acknowledge her emotionally and the way that she appreciates and makes her feel validated, right?
00:30:37
Speaker
That's the boundary that a woman wants.
00:30:39
Speaker
The standard is what she communicates to the man that he has to do to make her feel that way, right?
00:30:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:45
Speaker
So that to me is a perfect example of relationship communication that for whatever reason, people who don't get FDS seem to look at it as like,
00:30:53
Speaker
She's manipulating him to give her nice things.
00:30:55
Speaker
And I'm like, not really.
00:30:56
Speaker
Like, it's like manipulation to me is like not communicating your standards and boundaries and wants and then trying to cool girl your way into getting a relationship.
00:31:04
Speaker
Right.
00:31:04
Speaker
Like that's way more manipulative than this.
00:31:06
Speaker
Yeah, that's actually so true.
00:31:08
Speaker
I'm just going to have sex with him until he decides to have a relationship with me.
00:31:13
Speaker
That seems more manipulative on both parties, actually, for both the man and the woman than just saying, these are the things that I like in a relationship.
00:31:20
Speaker
And if you want to provide those things for me, you can.
00:31:22
Speaker
And if you don't want to, bye.
00:31:24
Speaker
Exactly.
00:31:25
Speaker
That's entirely reasonable.
00:31:26
Speaker
When a man has found his dream girl, he will ditch his old ways and become the man that she expects to have.
00:31:32
Speaker
If he's high value.
00:31:33
Speaker
Let's be clear about that.
00:31:34
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:31:34
Speaker
That's the caveat.
00:31:35
Speaker
Like a lot of low value men will just bitch and try to nag her and drag her down once he finds his dream girl.
00:31:40
Speaker
And if he's old ways, we don't mean like being a shit person.
00:31:43
Speaker
We mean like if he was doing something that wasn't up to your standards.
00:31:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:47
Speaker
Like if he's a bad character person, like even if he finds his dream girl, he can't maintain that shit.
00:31:51
Speaker
Like if he's just like has kind of bad habits, like, I don't know, taking women on drink dates.
00:31:57
Speaker
Yeah, little things like that.
00:31:58
Speaker
Like if that's a person that he values, like we always look at it like the Bella Hadid rule.
00:32:02
Speaker
How would this man act if he had the opportunity to go on a date with Bella Hadid, right?
00:32:06
Speaker
If he's a shitty lying piece of shit, he's still going to be a shitty lying piece of shit to Bella Hadid, right?
00:32:11
Speaker
Because he's going to feel even more insecure or try to manipulate her and do that kind of stuff.
00:32:15
Speaker
But when it comes to how he treats her on the date, it's probably going to be better because he's going to want to extend that to someone he perceives as high value.
00:32:22
Speaker
then like you shouldn't accept the low ball because if a guy is going to treat you well, then he would not subject you to low value behavior or something that would be less than how he would treat a girl that he expects to spend extended amount of time with or considers to be his dream girl.
00:32:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:36
Speaker
And in terms of like ditches old ways, yeah, we're talking about like low effort type of stuff, like not like fundamental, like character flaws.
00:32:43
Speaker
A woman being a man's dream girl, I find actually, I found in my personal experience at least,
00:32:47
Speaker
There have been a few guys who are like, oh, like you're like my dream girl because you have the same hobbies as me or something like that.
00:32:53
Speaker
And if the man is shitty or low value, he'll actually be like kind of psycho and try to like manipulate me or neg me or engage in like stalking behavior, that kind of stuff.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:04
Speaker
Like that's just his fundamental personality.
00:33:06
Speaker
Like if he's low value, those shitty qualities will probably actually escalate.
00:33:10
Speaker
If he's a high value man, he will be like, yeah, I'm going to quit drinking.
00:33:14
Speaker
I'm going to quit smoking.
00:33:15
Speaker
I'm going to do this.
00:33:16
Speaker
Like, you know, all of those sorts of things that are maybe not necessarily fundamental character flaw, but just like a bad habit.
00:33:22
Speaker
He'll stop doing those things if he cares about you.
00:33:24
Speaker
I actually had an ex-boyfriend once quit smoking because I told him that I don't date smokers.
00:33:29
Speaker
And I thought that was really cute.
00:33:31
Speaker
But anyways, like that's an example of like a guy who's not a piece of shit will change to meet your standards if he really likes you.
00:33:38
Speaker
Here's the thing.
00:33:39
Speaker
A lot of guys are like, oh, well, if you're not Bella Hadid, then you're not entitled to ask for these sorts of things.
00:33:43
Speaker
Well, here's the thing.
00:33:44
Speaker
I don't.
00:33:44
Speaker
Yeah, that's bullshit.
00:33:45
Speaker
I don't want to date a man where I'm not his dream girl, right?
00:33:49
Speaker
I don't want to be a placeholder.
00:33:50
Speaker
So if a guy's not that into me, I don't want to date him anyways, right?
00:33:54
Speaker
So that's the other thing.
00:33:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:55
Speaker
So the woman who becomes a man's dream girl is a woman that has standards.
00:33:59
Speaker
All of the strategies we've talked about and we'll talk about in the future, the core of it is having standards and loving yourself enough to not accept any less.
Empowerment through High Standards and Self-Love
00:34:07
Speaker
If you do this, your actions will subconsciously affect how a man perceives you and things are more likely to go your way.
00:34:13
Speaker
So ladies, don't waver.
00:34:14
Speaker
Keep your frame.
00:34:15
Speaker
He can either take it or leave it.
00:34:16
Speaker
The right man will find you when you put the time and effort in to be a high quality woman.
00:34:21
Speaker
When you say no to things that are less than what you truly want, you make space in your life to welcome the things that you truly do want.
00:34:27
Speaker
So don't block your blessings.
00:34:29
Speaker
Yeah, like this line alone, actually, like, low-key kind of changed my life, to be honest, because I read this, like, two years ago, I think.
00:34:37
Speaker
And the idea of, like, saying no to things that you don't want to make space in your life for the things that you do want, I agree.
00:34:43
Speaker
I applied that not just to my relationships, but to my work.
00:34:47
Speaker
Like, I think at the time, I'd quit a job that I hated and was like, ah, fuck this job.
00:34:50
Speaker
Like, I'm going to get a better job kind of thing.
00:34:52
Speaker
You know, I let go of friends that were toxic and started making new friends that were better.
00:34:58
Speaker
You know, I feel like too many women have become accustomed to the idea that there's virtue in suffering and that if things aren't great, you know, well...
00:35:05
Speaker
you know, you can just endure it or put up with it and, you know, it's not going to get any better.
00:35:09
Speaker
So you may as well just stick with your shitty life.
00:35:11
Speaker
It doesn't have to be like that, right?
00:35:13
Speaker
Things can be better, right?
00:35:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:16
Speaker
Like a better life is possible.
00:35:19
Speaker
I was what I want women to know.
00:35:20
Speaker
Right.
00:35:20
Speaker
And the purpose of having high standards is to have a better life basically.
00:35:24
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, it takes courage.
00:35:25
Speaker
It takes trial and error, but it also is so worth it, right?
00:35:28
Speaker
And mental fortitude.
00:35:29
Speaker
Mental fortitude, right.
00:35:31
Speaker
And being able to curate your experiences in a way that's pleasurable to you.
00:35:34
Speaker
Like Lilith said, it seems so simple but revolutionary that as women, we don't have to suffer in our relationships as much as we do.
00:35:41
Speaker
And I distinctly remember a TikTok that went viral that said,
00:35:44
Speaker
something to that effect that it was a marriage counselor.
00:35:46
Speaker
And she says that so often when she has couples come in, she realized the crux of the problem is the woman is communicating to the man that there are problems in the relationship.
00:35:54
Speaker
And he's sort of like, well, she's always saying those things.
00:35:56
Speaker
And he's very dismissive because the default mode is a lot of men just think like women being unhappy and suffering in the relationships is normal.
00:36:02
Speaker
Right.
00:36:02
Speaker
And it's really reinforced through popular culture.
00:36:05
Speaker
Like, oh, what?
00:36:06
Speaker
Women are always unhappy.
00:36:07
Speaker
Wives are always nagging, etc.
00:36:09
Speaker
Oh, always taking Zannies.
00:36:11
Speaker
Like, you know, the whole pill popping sad housewife thing.
00:36:14
Speaker
Right.
00:36:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:15
Speaker
Like that you need to, like, take drugs just to, like, survive your shitty life.
00:36:18
Speaker
You don't have to do that.
00:36:19
Speaker
No, we don't have to.
00:36:21
Speaker
It takes recognizing, you know, raising a level of consciousness within yourself and then by extension, the collective, the group of women, which is where I think FDS comes in, where we start to realize like what things are actually making us uncomfortable that we can demand change for.
00:36:34
Speaker
And that's both in our personal lives and our professional lives.
00:36:37
Speaker
But especially when it comes to dating men, so much of like the self-help, the stuff that comes from the media, the stuff that comes from dating and voice is about how you should change yourself and short yourself to fit yourself into a mold that was what men like, but a mold that was never meant to make you happy.
00:36:53
Speaker
Furthermore, even the empowerment that's sold to us is ideological and not always practical.
00:36:59
Speaker
And it was never meant to make you happy, right?
00:37:01
Speaker
It's like the marriage for a very long time is an institution to build families and to build businesses and to build like an economic unit.
00:37:09
Speaker
But I mean, we've done episodes on this before.
00:37:11
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:30
Speaker
The last priority, like considering, you know, everything else that goes into it, like maybe you're getting married for political reasons, et cetera.
00:37:36
Speaker
So like this is us truly taking back our power and not feeling like we have to constantly compromise on the things that are going to make us less happy.
00:37:45
Speaker
And that with the economic power, with the influence that we're able to have over media, we can finally really change those things in a fundamental way.
00:37:52
Speaker
And it's sad that like the opportunity I think was wasted by the LibFem people, right?
00:37:57
Speaker
Who just like fell into a bunch of like gimmicks and stupidity about like, I could do everything just like the men, like knowing that wasn't necessarily going to make them happy, but it was just like a reaction against what they felt was conservative.
00:38:09
Speaker
A lot of men do things that don't even make them happy, right?
00:38:12
Speaker
Like doing, I can do this just as much as a man kind of thing.
00:38:14
Speaker
Well, why would you do that if it's not even making them happy?
00:38:17
Speaker
You think it's going to make you happy?
00:38:19
Speaker
They were missing the strategy portion.
00:38:20
Speaker
It was all ideological.
00:38:22
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:38:23
Speaker
And also a lot of them just decided to live a lifestyle and like they were lying to themselves the whole time.
00:38:28
Speaker
And then, you know, obviously the mainstream media loves to platform train wrecks and then give them a platform that they're... That they're like a menace to society.
00:38:36
Speaker
The train wreck women.
00:38:37
Speaker
No, no.
00:38:37
Speaker
Pretend like they're experts, right?
00:38:39
Speaker
Like, cause we talk about this all the time, how a lot of these sexpert people are actually looney tunes in real life.
00:38:45
Speaker
Like you just, they're actually crazy, but Vogue will give them a platform.
00:38:48
Speaker
Vice will give them a platform.
00:38:50
Speaker
Anybody in Connie notes, cause they get clicks.
00:38:52
Speaker
They say outrageous things and then they'll give you advice that is 100% going to put you in a really bad spot.
00:38:57
Speaker
And it's like, you know that internally, but it's like, you want to trust the experts, but not realizing the experts are not there to make you happy.
00:39:04
Speaker
They're there to make clicks themselves money.
00:39:06
Speaker
They're there to make themselves money, clickbait, and they're there to reinforce narratives set by men because of these media being owned by men.
00:39:13
Speaker
So I want to talk about the comment.
00:39:15
Speaker
Like before we wrap up real quick, I just wanted to talk about some of the comments actually, because some of these comments illustrate exactly what we're talking about here.
00:39:22
Speaker
Right.
00:39:23
Speaker
So one of the comments says, I'm getting too old to keep my standards.
00:39:26
Speaker
Minnesota has the worst dating climate as well.
00:39:29
Speaker
So two things.
00:39:30
Speaker
One, again, like a lot of women have internalized this idea that if you're older or maybe if you're like overweight or you're not pretty enough or, you know, whatever standards that men have set, if you don't meet men's standards that you then have to lower your standards.
00:39:42
Speaker
And that's not true.
00:39:43
Speaker
With FDS, we say it is better to be single than to be with a low value man.
00:39:48
Speaker
First of all, you should still have high standards, but if you feel like the men that you're interested in wouldn't be interested in you, then it's just better to stay single, honestly.
00:39:56
Speaker
And then one of the comments here is, I agree with completely, it says, stay single, focus on friends.
00:40:02
Speaker
Numbers show that women think they need to find a partner so they don't die alone, but we usually outlive men and end up dying alone anyways.
00:40:09
Speaker
Yes.
00:40:10
Speaker
And that is so true.
00:40:11
Speaker
If you're a woman and you're getting older and you can't find a man that meets your standards, it's better to just stay single.
00:40:17
Speaker
Because first of all, like a lot of these guys are just looking for a nurse and a purse.
00:40:20
Speaker
And do you really want to be living your golden years, like taking care of wiping the ass of some shitty old man who treats you like shit?
00:40:27
Speaker
Like, you know, or do you want to golden girls it?
00:40:29
Speaker
Right.
00:40:30
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:30
Speaker
You know, like...
00:40:31
Speaker
So, and then also remember every time you get into a relationship, you could be blocking your other blessings, right?
00:40:38
Speaker
That's the problem with the just settle people.
00:40:40
Speaker
It's an opportunity cost.
00:40:42
Speaker
Oh, the opportunity cost is huge.
00:40:44
Speaker
And I wish someone had explained this to me when I was younger, especially about like, we just did that episode on the ultimatum.
00:40:49
Speaker
We're talking about
00:40:50
Speaker
how everyone should basically just break up, especially since they're under 25.
00:40:53
Speaker
It's like they're spending so much time investing these relationships that are clearly going nowhere and costing yourself a lot of happiness and causing yourself a lot of stress.
00:41:02
Speaker
When it comes to relationships, if you don't have kids, you don't have a mortgage or anything that might keep you tied to each other because of legal or financial restrictions, absolutely.
00:41:14
Speaker
Absolutely don't spend any time suffering.
00:41:16
Speaker
Like you have no reason to, right?
00:41:18
Speaker
Like the only time you see, like you would even be like, oh, maybe you should start to work it out is if you have like outside pressure that like literally might, you know, might force you where you have to make more difficult decisions.
00:41:27
Speaker
Like, well, okay, I could leave, but then I might not be able to afford to put my kids in school.
00:41:31
Speaker
And those are like the difficult life decisions you may have to make when you're older.
00:41:35
Speaker
But I think if you get in the habit of just...
00:41:38
Speaker
cutting bullshit off when you see it when you're younger, then you'll never end up in that latter scenario because you'll learn how to vet men more appropriately so that like when you do get married and you do have children, you won't feel stuck and trapped, right?
00:41:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:51
Speaker
Or you won't be stuck and trapped because you've done the work ahead of time.
00:41:55
Speaker
And the other point I wanted to make is that the importance of having high standards, you get the most bang for your buck in the early phases of dating.
Preventing Relationship Suffering through High Standards
00:42:02
Speaker
I do want to acknowledge that like the whole leave at the first sign of disrespect is a lot more difficult when you are married and have kids and have a house together and so on.
00:42:12
Speaker
Like the reason why we have high standards at the beginning of the relationship is to prevent yourself from suffering.
00:42:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:19
Speaker
the consequences of being with a low-value man in the future.
00:42:22
Speaker
And this is why, like, to bring it back to the beginning of the episode where I talk about anatomy of a scandal, one of the things I'm going to talk about is how the wife, the conservative trad wife in this story, she overlooked a lot of red flags.
00:42:35
Speaker
early in her relationship with her husband.
00:42:37
Speaker
So that should, she could be a cool girl and, you know, defend him and stuff.
00:42:41
Speaker
And then later on, you know, years down the line, he does something really, really fucked up and she's stuck in the situation where she has to defend him.
00:42:47
Speaker
And it's like, well, sis, if you'd pay attention to the red flags and had high standards early in the relationship, you wouldn't be suffering this right now.
00:42:54
Speaker
You would have prevented this whole thing.
00:42:56
Speaker
Right.
00:42:57
Speaker
And so,
00:42:57
Speaker
You know, a lot of women think that like, oh, if I really, you know, show my loyalty or if I lower my standards or show I'm a cool girl or show I'm not materialistic or not demanding earlier in the relationship, they think that they're going to be rewarded for that in the future when the opposite is usually true.
00:43:12
Speaker
When you lower your standards, when you show men that you're willing to put up with their bullshit, they will only increase the bullshit.
00:43:17
Speaker
Okay.
00:43:18
Speaker
It's only going to get worse.
00:43:20
Speaker
It's true.
00:43:21
Speaker
That's the hardest thing to understand and accept.
00:43:24
Speaker
Like you like to think that things have a happy ending because you put in work, but relationships just do not work like that, especially in your twenties and thirties.
00:43:32
Speaker
Like it's, it's just straight up a matter of
00:43:35
Speaker
you finding a person, like you figuring yourself out and what you need to be happy, like the caretaking and feeding of you, and then absolutely cutting off ruthlessly anybody who cannot add to that journey.
00:43:47
Speaker
It is so important because if you let guys drag you down, you'll find yourself in a series of broken relationships and you'll be emotionally scarred for them.
00:43:54
Speaker
And even if you're not like in them for a long time, just the like,
00:43:57
Speaker
energy it takes to keep engaging with men who treat you like shit will wear down your resolve.
00:44:02
Speaker
And that's what they want, right?
00:44:03
Speaker
They want you to settle.
00:44:04
Speaker
They want you to feel like shit.
00:44:06
Speaker
And also you're end up cheating yourself because you start to devalue yourself in your own mind because you might internalize some of the ways that they're doing.
00:44:13
Speaker
But the point is to never internalize that shit early and keep cutting them off.
00:44:18
Speaker
Just never feel bad about it.
00:44:20
Speaker
Yeah, like it is so much easier to walk away in the early phases of dating.
00:44:24
Speaker
And it's much, much harder to do that after you are super invested in them.
00:44:29
Speaker
Right.
00:44:29
Speaker
And again, like in the story, Anatomy of a Scandal, the trad wife, she's like, we've been married for 12 years.
00:44:34
Speaker
We have two kids, we have a house, we have, you know, a whole, I'm like a political wife and so on.
00:44:39
Speaker
Like the costs of leaving at that point is so much higher versus like if she'd left, you know, when she saw the red flags at the beginning, right.
00:44:47
Speaker
the cost would have been much, much lower.
00:44:49
Speaker
She could have had a completely different, completely better life.
00:44:52
Speaker
Right.
00:44:53
Speaker
And so that's what I want women to know is that like having high standards, it's not about being manipulative or being a gold digger.
00:44:59
Speaker
It's about saving yourself from suffering later on in life.
00:45:03
Speaker
Yeah, it's part of loving yourself.
00:45:05
Speaker
Like people talk about loving yourself.
00:45:07
Speaker
There's so much lip service about loving yourself and valuing yourself.
00:45:10
Speaker
This is what it looks like.
00:45:11
Speaker
This is self-care, literally.
00:45:13
Speaker
This is self-care.
00:45:14
Speaker
And I'm sorry the liberal feminists who criticize FDS don't get that.
00:45:17
Speaker
And I feel sorry for them because they're going to suffer their whole fucking life because they don't get it.
00:45:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:21
Speaker
No, they think self-care is taking a bubble bath and like buying shit, right?
00:45:25
Speaker
Spreading lotion on yourself because your husband's cheating on you with gay escorts.
00:45:29
Speaker
Remember that guy?
00:45:30
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:30
Speaker
Check our Patreon.
00:45:33
Speaker
Or it could be like on our Patreon episode where that woman was advised by Stoya to moisturize in response to her husband cheating on her with men.
00:45:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:41
Speaker
You don't want to be like...
00:45:43
Speaker
That's liberal feminist version of self-care.
00:45:45
Speaker
They think it's like buying products and living in some kind of like cognitive dissonance where you're constantly being disrespected and treated like shit, but you rationalize it.
00:45:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:54
Speaker
They think self-care is when you go like, oh yeah, it's totally fine that my husband treats me badly.
00:45:58
Speaker
I'm just going to like buy some things and that will like sort of, it's like the opiate of the masses is buying shit.
00:46:04
Speaker
They live in the, yeah, they buy stuff and they live in the moment and don't put anything together.
00:46:08
Speaker
Right.
00:46:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:09
Speaker
Don't live in the moment.
00:46:10
Speaker
Think about the future.
00:46:11
Speaker
Right.
00:46:11
Speaker
And
00:46:12
Speaker
Conservative women do this too.
00:46:13
Speaker
Engage critical thinking.
00:46:15
Speaker
Tradcon women do this too.
00:46:16
Speaker
And as a person who grew up in the church, I saw this as well.
00:46:19
Speaker
It's like, well, submission is something a woman should give to her husband.
00:46:21
Speaker
I'm like, your husband ain't shit though, right?
00:46:23
Speaker
Your husband's fucking dumb.
00:46:24
Speaker
Why would you listen to him?
00:46:25
Speaker
Like, yeah.
00:46:26
Speaker
But or he's like, you know, abusive or something bad.
00:46:29
Speaker
But like, you know, they supplement it with prayer.
00:46:31
Speaker
Like, you know what I mean?
00:46:32
Speaker
Or being a Karen.
00:46:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:34
Speaker
They're like doing other things where they can try to take back their power, but not fixing the thing.
00:46:39
Speaker
And this is the thing.
00:46:41
Speaker
And this is the choices you need to make early on so you're not suffering later on.
00:46:44
Speaker
So yeah, hard choices to make your life easier down the line.
00:46:47
Speaker
And it's actually not that hard.
00:46:49
Speaker
Once you embody FDS, like your life just feels... Because you understand the game, right?
00:46:53
Speaker
If you don't understand the game, then you're just confused and you're wondering why you're being treated poorly.
00:46:57
Speaker
But once you understand, it gives you power to curate the things you want.
00:47:01
Speaker
And now more than ever, because the internet and online dating, like you have so many more options than even our parents had.
00:47:06
Speaker
So it's like, you can do it, right?
00:47:08
Speaker
Like, it's like, this is an opportunity.
00:47:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:10
Speaker
What you said there actually kind of reminded me of like my early days in FDS when I was transitioning sort of between the LibFem, like if a man...
00:47:17
Speaker
showed a red flag, I'd be like, is this a red flag?
00:47:20
Speaker
Well, he has all these other qualities that I like.
00:47:22
Speaker
So maybe those other qualities balance out the red flag and that makes it okay or whatever.
00:47:27
Speaker
And then in the past few months, there've been times where a guy like hits on me or, you know, does something.
00:47:32
Speaker
I just reject them like without even thinking about it.
00:47:34
Speaker
It's like automatic.
00:47:35
Speaker
Just the way, like you said earlier, the way the word no just flies out of my mouth.
00:47:40
Speaker
flies out of your mouth like a fucking boomerang right just like like a fucking missile just like hell no yeah right um it takes practice but you will get there eventually and your life will be immeasurably better trust me yeah
00:47:57
Speaker
All right.
00:47:58
Speaker
Thanks for listening, Queen.
00:47:59
Speaker
So hope you enjoyed this episode.
00:48:00
Speaker
More strategy content will be coming on the blog and in our newsletter and on our website.
00:48:06
Speaker
So check it out on thefemaledatingstrategy.com as well as our Patreon where we have bonus content every week, patreon.com forward slash thefemaledatingstrategy.
00:48:14
Speaker
And we will be debuting the war room.
00:48:17
Speaker
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00:48:25
Speaker
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00:48:27
Speaker
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00:48:30
Speaker
Thanks for listening, queens, and for all you scrotes out there.