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Start Where You Start
53 Plays1 year ago
How many of you struggle with perfectionism or with basing your value on how you perform? In this first episode of United Not Uniform, I share my story of seeking perfectionism and control over my core values and living fully. And the powerful, ongoing journey of getting back to me.
Welcome to United Not Uniform! Where there is more than enough space for us to better see and understand our own stories so that we can better see others!
If you want to learn more or connect, email me at unitednotuniform@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introducing the Podcast: Embracing Differences
00:00:01
Speaker
You are listening to the United Not Uniform Podcast. I am your host, Crystal. The purpose of this podcast is to have intentional spaces that allow and celebrate difference, difference of opinion, experience, and more. In this podcast, we will truly be able to hear and see one another, even when we disagree.
00:00:24
Speaker
What would it look like if we were truly able to see one another, to set aside fear, insecurity, and doubt, to be willing to embrace the silence and let words carry their full weight? If that sounds like fun or at least a tiny bit interesting, you are in the right place. Together, we will grow as we discuss different topics, hear other stories, and have a few laughs along the way.
Beginning the Journey: Overcoming Perfectionism
00:00:54
Speaker
Welcome to United Not Uniform, where there is more than enough space for us to be seen and to see others. Episode one, start where you start.
00:01:10
Speaker
Starting is so challenging. As someone who is a recovering perfectionist, starting is not the beginning of the process. There are months of worrying over the idea, doing research to have the best results, and filling time with easier things that I can quickly complete so I feel accomplished. Shout out to my fellow perfectionists. May we all learn that recovering is both a choice and a journey.
00:01:37
Speaker
So I'm here, starting on this new project with you all. I have actually wanted to start a podcast for years now, but the fear of failure always held me back. Did I have something to say worth sharing? What if no one listens? Am I even that interesting? Now, the answers to each of these questions may all be no.
00:02:03
Speaker
However, running from that tiny voice in my head that says I'm not enough only makes me watch my hopes and dreams lived in the lives of others. I am not protecting myself from failing. I'm protecting myself from truly living, living a life where there will be fails and disappointment, but also joy and laughter and wonder.
The Childlike Approach: Rediscovering the True Self
00:02:32
Speaker
I realize in many ways, as I've aged, I feel like I'm learning how to become more childlike. Okay, stick with me. What I mean is that the things that used to keep me up at night, all my imperfections and past conversations I wish I could redo, no longer carry the same weight. It is almost like there isn't any energy left to care. Sacrifice sleep? Who is doing that? But who do I want to be known by?
00:03:04
Speaker
Do I even recognize myself today? What does it look like to get back to who I am? Do I want the legacy of my life to be that she strived for perfection, that she was always busy? Or do I want to be remembered for a legacy of demonstrating the image of God by reflecting light and joy in a time where people have lost faith?
00:03:33
Speaker
So, what does that process look like? It starts with thinking aspects of yourself that you have ignored for so long or hoped would never see the light. Mistakes that were play over and over in your mind. Chances that you were too afraid to take. How did I become this person? A person where anxiety can creep in and paralyze me.
00:03:59
Speaker
tightly bound and wound to the highest standard I defined I should be. Is this truly what I value? Is that truly who I am? As I was going through the past versions of myself, the girl who refused to be limited, who strived rather obsessed about excellence, to the girl who had to learn how to suppress feelings in order to get through some of the darkest seasons of my life,
00:04:29
Speaker
to the overhelper who moved mountains for others at her own expense to prove she had value. The girl ignited by passion who gave my inner pain a voice and fought to make space for others and to the child who took on the rage of the world. I see you all. I thank you all. Because of all the decisions and choices you made, I am here.
00:05:00
Speaker
But now it is time for you to rest.
A Thank You to the Past: Growth and Healing
00:05:03
Speaker
Goodbye, old friends who taught me how to survive when I was so desperate for approval and love. I experienced what it felt like to be excluded and unseen. And because of us, we now get to remind others that we are seen, that they are seen, known, and loved. Praise God.
00:05:26
Speaker
Here is the last paragraph of the thank you note I wrote myself. Rest knowing that the same passion and hunger for justice will go on. I am no longer running from the pain. The brokenness allows me to experience the depth of beauty. It is no longer up to me to fix everything. It never really was.
00:05:50
Speaker
I'm learning to live surrendered to Christ. And through this relationship, I will witness more healing, transformation, and beauty than I could ever achieve on my own. Thank you for this fire. Rest knowing that the flame still burns. It just no longer consumes me.
Values from Childhood: Curiosity and Compassion
00:06:12
Speaker
Wow, some of you need to do this same exercise. You need to name and acknowledge all the choices you made and who you used to be. Because who you are becoming is so transformational and impactful because of who you used to be. So start where you start. I wish I could say this is a one and done step. That I am new and no longer ever feel the same insecurities and doubts.
00:06:41
Speaker
Far from the truth. However, I feel free from the framework I created for myself. It is like breathing air after holding your breath for years. So I'm trying to get back to me. I remember running barefoot in the yard. The sun had been shining all day so that the earth was warmed by its kisses.
00:07:10
Speaker
The smell of pine trees surround me, and the faint sound of music played in the background. It was like my heart beat aligned with the passing of time as part of mysterious unending and beautiful creation. What was important to her? Adventure. There was always something new to discover or experience. Love. Blessed with so many loving relationships in my life.
00:07:42
Speaker
Joy. There was a way that I saw the world as so beautiful even in the heartbreaking grief. There was always a presence of peace and a light that felt like the warmth of the sun. It was contagious. Big smiles and deep infectious laughter. Curiosity.
00:08:04
Speaker
I only spoke in questions. With each one, the world seemed to get bigger. It wasn't the answer I longed for, but the joy of just asking why. Compassion. Now don't laugh at me, but I was the girl who loved earthworms. I know. She was weird. There was something about how the earthworms moved under the soil and helped the plants grow.
00:08:35
Speaker
I would sit outside with my mom, mainly talking, but watching as she carefully dug each hole to not disturb her welcome gardening partner. We watched seeds grow towards the sky and bloom into bright pinks and purples. I loved the earthworms. When it rained, the earthworms would be swept into the street. One morning, more like every morning, I was super late for the bus.
00:09:02
Speaker
As I was running to my stop, I saw all the earthworms struggling to get back into the grass. Without hesitation, I scooped the worms and dropped them in the grass away from the cars. I remember bending down to pick up one stubborn worm when I heard a car approaching. At the last minute, the driver saw me and swerved away.
00:09:24
Speaker
I remember telling my mom how I saved all the worms and the look on her face when she heard I had almost lost my life in the process. Now, what do earthworms have to do with any of this? In that season of life, earthworms were the most valuable thing to me, along with the sweet taste of fresh honeysicle that grew in the front yard.
Embracing Adventure: Beyond Control
00:09:49
Speaker
As I have gotten older, there are more things that are important, whether it is purpose, plans, or prominence. Somewhere I exchange curiosity, adventure, joy, love, and compassion for a more controlled package of what life could be.
00:10:09
Speaker
Now, am I suggesting that we all rescue earthworms during a storm? Yes, be a good person. What I am also saying is that some of us need to allow the world to be more than what we can visibly see. That maybe the wonder and the curiosity would be worth the detour or deviation from our plan. That performance, efficiency, and status do not define or make life worth living. That it is okay that we are not perfect.
00:10:40
Speaker
I'm going to say it again for those in the back that it is okay that we are not perfect. Are you willing to take that risk to be willing to discover the things that make your soul sing?
The Marathon Metaphor: Life's Challenges and Growth
00:10:56
Speaker
This year I trained for my first half marathon. Not only was it a half marathon of all 13.1 miles, but the race had a time limit.
00:11:08
Speaker
It required that you finish within three hours and 30 minutes. Say what? Plus the women I was training with are simply amazing. One is in the military and the other is an experienced runner. And here's me, 30 pounds over my ideal weight, deciding that I was also going to train. Fear and anxiety gripped me. How could I possibly think I could do it?
00:11:35
Speaker
when I would tell people they would either be shocked or share in the disbelief. That part of me that's motivated by other people's doubt was ready to take on the challenge and prove them wrong. However, the true lesson happened in the encouragement I received from the women I trained with and how in those solitary moments of running, I had the most intimate quiet time talking to Jesus.
00:12:01
Speaker
Anger may have been the motivator to start, but hope and love is what kept me going. I struggled getting into a routine, especially when it would have been so much easier to sleep in and work on classwork. However, running in those mornings is what kept me grounded and allowed me to see the world beyond what I was facing. It turned into time to meet my neighbors and share life with people I had only ever driven by.
00:12:30
Speaker
It required that I believe in myself and what God was doing within me rather than other people. As I got closer to the race, the scale hadn't changed, but I felt stronger. I had gotten faster, but I was so worried about finishing. What if I embarrassed myself? Maybe I should just give in. Everyone would understand. I don't want to fail. Wait.
00:12:59
Speaker
Am I so afraid of not being perfect that I would be willing to ignore months of training and not even try? Was I so fearful that I would not be willing to take the risk? To try something not because I could do it perfectly, but rather for it being part of the adventure of learning more about myself and the life I truly want to live.
00:13:22
Speaker
Before I know it, I am at the race start. My family is there ready to cheer me on. My friends who I've trained with have already started in their sections, and the wait is over. Crystal, the person who hates failure, who will refuse to try something if she cannot predict how it ends, is about to run 13.1 miles in a time that she has never run before.
00:13:50
Speaker
I take off sprinting. It is the fastest I have ever run. Wait. I am only at two miles. I need to slow down. As I'm on the trail, I'm reminded of all the moments that brought me here. I remember waking up those early mornings. I remember the face of my mom, dad, and sister cheering me on and how much I wanted to see them at the finish line. When I see someone start to give up,
00:14:15
Speaker
I remind them that we are in this race together, that we can finish, just like me to make a friend on a race. As others pass us, they return from the halfway point. We cheer them on and celebrate, filled with hope and excitement we press on. Until around mile 8.5, my right side is in so much pain. I am exhausted and doubting that I will truly be able to finish.
00:14:44
Speaker
So many people I have started with now have fallen behind and refused to run any further. I am by myself. Do I quit? It would be so easy. I'm not gonna finish anyway. All of these doubts come into my mind. Even though I am more than halfway, the end seems so impossible.
00:15:09
Speaker
Suddenly strangers I have never met, ring bells and hold up signs encouraging me to carry on. They call out my name, reminding me that I can do this. I'm already doing it, and I'm almost there. It is mind over matter. Control your mind and everything else will follow. As I am running, I start thinking about what this race symbolizes.
00:15:34
Speaker
More than just a race, it is accumulation of all the hardest seasons of my life. A season with disappointments, grief, and anger that required hope and endurance. In this same season, I have experienced the deepest and most compassionate forms of love, encouragement, and a desire to get back to the real me, not the person I had to be to survive.
00:16:00
Speaker
A lot of unlearning, a lot of trying new things, a lot of desiring the mystery over the poorly controlled plans. As the pain increased, it took everything in me to keep going. Mile 11, mile 12, you were almost there.
00:16:19
Speaker
Suddenly, I start to see all the people who I cheered on earlier. After they finish, they stay to encourage the rest of us. I hear my name on the intercom screaming for me. My family screams as they follow me to the finish line. Crossing that finish line was more than just a race. It marked the finishing of a season, a season of anonymity, of preparation.
00:16:45
Speaker
There was no turning back, nor did I want to. Even though I did not finish under my plan of three hours, I came in around three hours and seven minutes, 21 minutes ahead of the cutoff. Every part of my body ached, I could barely walk and every muscle had stiffened. Yet, I had never felt more alive.
00:17:11
Speaker
While I was so happy I finished, the true joy came from not giving up, even when everything seemed like it was working against me. I had given myself grace to try, to dream, to be willing to be surprised, to be shocked by my own strength, and to see God continue to transform me from within. As a 30-something, I am relearning how to play.
00:17:39
Speaker
to not be so fearful of the result that I don't even try, to embrace both the journey and the outcome, even if it doesn't end how I hoped. Often, it ends up being better than I could have planned or dreamed on my own. So I am saying this to myself just as much as I am saying this to you.
Concluding Thoughts: Encouragement and Exploration
00:18:02
Speaker
Some of you have either been in similar seasons,
00:18:06
Speaker
If you need hope, encouragement, a reminder of how strong you truly are, know that you are not alone. Unlearning is hard. Learning how to be kinder to ourselves does not come easy. So we will start where we start, together. Life is full of stories. So remember to laugh, to cry every tear.
00:18:35
Speaker
Explore the world with curiosity and love the questions themselves. Love deeply and courageously. Take the time to learn how to play. Thank you for listening to the first episode of United Not Uniform, Start Where You Start.
00:18:58
Speaker
Remember, there is more than enough space for us to be seen and to see others. I'm your host, Crystal, and I'll see you next time.