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United Not Uniform: Grief and New Traditions
29 Plays1 year ago
In this modified podcast, I share my experience with grief and embracing new traditions. Whether you have recently experienced the loss of a loved one, there is something in this podcast for you.
As always, if you have any questions or content that you would like to see, contact me at unitednotuniform@gmail.com!
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Transcript
Introduction to United Not Uniform Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
You are listening to the United Not Uniform podcast. I'm your host, Crystal. The purpose of this podcast is to have intentional spaces that allow and celebrate difference, difference of opinion, experience, and more.
00:00:15
Speaker
In this podcast, we will be able to truly hear and see one another even when we disagree. What would it look like if we were truly able to see one another, to set aside fear, insecurity, and doubt, to be willing to embrace the silence and let words carry their full weight? If that sounds like fun or at least a tiny bit interesting, you are in the right place. Together, we will grow as we discuss different topics, hear each other's stories, and have a few laughs along the way.
00:00:45
Speaker
Welcome to United Not Uniform, where there is more than enough space to be seen and to see others.
Theme of Loss and New Traditions
00:00:53
Speaker
So this episode is going to be a little bit different. Rather than having a whole script together, I really just want to share life with you all. It's been a very
00:01:10
Speaker
challenging couple of weeks and I do believe that when we are open and honest with one another, something beautiful happens when we are able to listen and to engage with each other's stories. So here's a little bit of mine. I'd love to hear yours as well or if anything I share resonates with you, please let me know.
00:01:32
Speaker
But the topic of today's podcast is going to be around loss and new traditions. So for those of you who aren't pet people, meet me somewhere. I do know that there are some people that it doesn't matter if it's a cat or dog or fish, whatever. Pets are not their thing. Completely fine. But there's something in this message for you too.
Life Transition and Internal Struggles
00:02:02
Speaker
Uh, so several years ago, about five years ago, I was in a season of my life where, um, I had moved into my own apartment. I was moving up in my job and my career. And on the outside, everything looked like it was good, right? I, there was an upward mobility, more independence. But when I really look back at that time and I think about how I was doing,
00:02:31
Speaker
Internally, I wasn't okay. There was a lot of people pleasing, a lot of having to play the political game at work, a lot of having to make myself small to fit into
00:02:46
Speaker
other spaces and what ended up happening was my heart became very hard um and i was i can't even describe it it's like you're living but not fully right you're going through the motions you're in survival mode all the time
00:03:05
Speaker
And many of you guys can relate to that of feeling like you're, whether you're in a certain season or you've experienced a lot of grief or a lot of loss or whatever, you're just kind of going through the motions. And at that time, I truly, you know, this is before I had started going to counseling and all these other things. So I really didn't know what I was missing. I thought I was just living how everybody else was supposed to going through the motions.
Considering Pet Adoption in Virginia
00:03:35
Speaker
And something came on my heart randomly to like, think about adopting a pet. I'm living by myself. I don't have roommates that are allergic to pets. So I can totally do it. Now's the time. And I had been like looking at the different shelters. Now at that time I was living in Virginia. And if, so to give context where I'm from in West Virginia, if you wanted to pick up a pet cat or a pet dog,
00:04:05
Speaker
you would go into an animal shelter, you would select the one that you want, you would pay the fee and go home with that dog. In Virginia, or in a lot of different other organizations, it's a lot different. Like you are doing house, you have to have house visits, you have to do character, like interviews, and have other people interview for you, and I get it. Like you do wanna make sure the home that,
00:04:31
Speaker
the pet is going to is safe, but it's just not equal depending on the state that you're in. And so in Virginia, I was preparing to go through all these different processes and everything.
Adopting Kittens from Florida
00:04:43
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And a friend of mine at work mentioned that there was a woman who had two kittens that she needed to give together, but they were in Florida. And I'm like, okay.
00:04:57
Speaker
Am I really that type of pet person that's going to drive all the way to Florida? I don't know. I don't know. Just questioning everything at that point, right? And so it ends up it's one of those things where it happens so easily or there's just such a
00:05:20
Speaker
You can just tell that just like God is at the center of it because just everything just was happening so fast and it was so smooth and I had talked to the woman who had rescued them so basically the two kittens had been abandoned by their mother
00:05:35
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and this person had found them in their job's parking garage and every single day people had walked by these kittens, they had ignored them and they
Adjusting Life with New Kittens
00:05:46
Speaker
were suffering. They had like eye conditions, they weren't eating, it was just really really bad and this woman who was amazing finally made the decision to take them in and nurse them back to health.
00:05:58
Speaker
The problem now was everybody wanted one kitten who was super fluffy, super cute, and not the other kitten who was also cute, not as fluffy, but you could kind of see that with her eye condition, you could kind of see it in her eyes. And I remember I was like, look, I was interested in one kitten too. That's a bit much.
00:06:21
Speaker
Um, but they had nowhere else to go. I looked at them and I knew that they were mine and I was just trusting it was all going to come together. And so, you know, you go from living a life where, you know, you have just anything in your home to having to make it catproof. Again, it's kind of crazy when you're thinking about it. Cause you're like, okay, they're not children. They're, they're pets. They're going to know what's safe for them and what's not. No, they will not.
00:06:49
Speaker
They were wild. And so picking them up for the airport, the woman had warned me, you know, they are still very afraid of people. You know, most of the people had been teasing them or ignoring them when they were in the parking garage. And so they're very shy and very skittish. And so when I got them, it was like they knew, we knew each other all whole lives. They were like meowing. They were all over me.
00:07:16
Speaker
And she was like, okay, yep, you're their mom. And I just remember taking them home and just feeling out of my element, but also super, super excited. And so it was just such an interesting journey of learning what it was like to care for something outside of myself.
00:07:45
Speaker
that also loved me without conditions. When I tell you like everywhere I went these kittens went it was just like we were like connected and it was just a really it was a really fun and beautiful time in my life where I didn't realize that I had been missing something that there was something joyful in
00:08:09
Speaker
Um, playing with them or seeing the way that they saw the world or, uh, coming home and something's destroyed or, uh, watching, uh, Luna because again, Harry Potter nerds. So they were called Lupin and Luna. Um, and, uh, watching Luna play fetch like a dog.
00:08:31
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or walking looping on a leash like a dog. They were just really wild for kittens.
Personal Growth Through Pet Care
00:08:38
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But I share that background is because during that period of time where I had them, there was just a lot of shifting that took place.
00:08:50
Speaker
Ended up leaving my corporate, well, I interviewed for a promotion, ended up not getting it at my job, and that was just very, very hard to navigate. We had the pandemic. We had just so many changes in life as I became a different person, as I grew and matured, as some of the things that I had been carrying.
00:09:14
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were revealed and God forced me to address or as God was calling me into more leadership within my local church but also in my position at the company but not in the ways that I would have hoped. So like I mentioned I didn't get the job promotion but then now I'm still behind the scenes leading and help building out
00:09:37
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diversity equity inclusion programs and just really walking with the person who did get the job and doing the best I can from a place of not from a place that wasn't filled with jealousy or bitterness but actually wanting things to succeed and wanting things to be done well and living out really my faith and yeah and it's just it's just you know you get pets you have
00:10:06
Speaker
you get pets and you don't remember or you don't, you can take it for granted almost like them being a little time capsule of who you were at that moment and the journey that it took for you to get to where you are now.
Grieving the Loss of Kittens
00:10:20
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And so, as I mentioned, they both had a lot of health complications. And so, unfortunately, Luna passed suddenly when she was two. And a couple weeks ago at the age of five, Lupin passed away suddenly as well.
00:10:36
Speaker
and um yeah it it was really hard um it is really hard because again i get it if you're not a pet person you're like
00:10:47
Speaker
are just pets animals die we all die that's just a cycle of life but for those of you who have had a pet who have raised them when they were a kitten and have seen all their little personalities it can be hard when suddenly they're not there right and that's also
00:11:07
Speaker
where grief takes place. I mean, I still remember when I would leave the house, Lupin would wait at the door for me. My family was like, that is your cat. We don't even try. Or how he would have to always be on me or near me in some capacity. He loved deli meat. I did not give him deli meat, but somehow he got it.
00:11:36
Speaker
He always did a little happy dance every time he ate food. It was just so many things that just, he was just such a beautiful and funny cat that always greeted me when I came home. And so what ended up happening is I noticed one day it looked like he had an ear infection
00:11:57
Speaker
because I do not play when it comes to my cats. They are getting all their checkups, all their vaccines, all that kind of stuff we don't play and a simple ear infection revealed a much larger issue that just happened all of a sudden. One underlying condition that the vet wasn't aware of or we hadn't seen and by the time we found out it was too late and he ended up passing in my arms.
00:12:27
Speaker
And so there I am, bawling my eyes out. I'm with my family. We're all crying. When I tell you that we are a cat house, like my parents referred to them as the grand kitties, like it was no joke. Like they were part of the family. They got Christmas presents and everything. And the loss wasn't just impacting me but others.
00:12:56
Speaker
And I really wrestled with the what ifs, what if I had done more? What if I had, you know, gone to the emergency hospital sooner? What if I had done like the list goes on and on. And I know many of you guys, even if you were in the same situation or different situations, ask yourselves those same questions. What if I, what if I, what if I did? And
00:13:25
Speaker
If I'm honest, I still have to fight against those questions. And I have to reflect back on the time that we did have and how different Lupin and Luna's life were because
00:13:42
Speaker
I took them in, right? Because I learned that I could love something so deeply and freely and to keep something alive, hello, for all that time and whether it was having to get pet sitters or automatic feeders, like there were a lot of lessons I learned, there were a lot of ways that I grew.
00:14:09
Speaker
and having patience in how I speak and my tone and so there was just a lot of beautiful moments that we shared and I just remember even when I lost Luna how Lupin was just like attached to me at the hip and we got through it and similarly I had rescued another cat named Sirius. It's kind of the same thing.
00:14:40
Speaker
But yeah, it's just the other day I had to go pick up his ashes and it hit me again and I just realized there's just something that we don't always acknowledge about grief. I grew up in the context where I had one side of the family that would cry and grieve and feel everything. And the other side of the family, which I tended to take a little bit more after,
00:15:08
Speaker
was that you hid the emotion, you cried privately, but it was something that you were supposed to do away from others, right? That, yeah, that's pretty much it, right? And some of you guys can really, and again, it's not shaming, it's not looking down, it's just that's how people processed in the context that they grew up, in the context that they were in.
00:15:32
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And I'm realizing as part of my journey towards healing and going to counseling in really learning what it looked like to live fully in life by experiencing joy along with the sorrow, as having hope, as desiring more in life, that means that grief also
00:15:55
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like how I feel grief also is part of that too.
Journey of Processing Grief and Passion for Rescuing
00:15:59
Speaker
And it's been coming in waves. There are some days where I don't think about it and there are other days where it just hits me. Like I said, when I picked up his ashes several days later, it hit me. When I come back, when I brought Sirius back to our home and he's running around looking for his brother, wondering where he is,
00:16:24
Speaker
Uh, it hit me, right? And so, and I realized that I can't just explain away the emotions. I can't just hide from the emotions. I can't just pretend that they're not there because they are. Um, I just have to feel them. And as I allow myself to feel them, I'm just starting to get sweet moments or reminders of all the funny moments or the sweet things that, um,
00:16:53
Speaker
that we shared the memories that we had and the fact that
00:16:59
Speaker
I was able to love him in a way where he could, he was no longer afraid of people, that he brought joy to so many other people, that he just, I can't even describe it. Like when we had to tell different members of like my aunts and uncles, they were so heartbroken because they had come over to my house and Lupin had come up to them or he had done a little funny dance or he had done something, he was so quirky.
00:17:31
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And they just, they just felt it and to me, it just showed how much he was loved.
00:17:39
Speaker
And that's all I could have done, right? That's all I can do. And so going into Thanksgiving, it was just a lot of new things, right? So not only am I grieving a cat in a way that I grieved Luna, I did grieve Luna.
00:18:02
Speaker
And I think losing Lupin brought up regrieving Luna, but I noticed that there was a difference just because I'm now more better connected with my emotions. And like I said, my journey of healing, it just, it was like everything hit me again as if it was happening for the first time.
00:18:19
Speaker
And so, it's like, what does life look like going forward? And what do those new traditions, what do those new moments look like? It's been a lot more patient with Sirius when he cries all the time, because I know a lot of it is because of loneliness. Because when I adopted him, he had his big brother and they would play in the house all together all the time. And so now it's thinking about,
00:18:46
Speaker
how he's adjusting and how am I being patient when he acts out or rips up stuff because he's adjusting to the change, right? It looked like, okay, we're gonna start new Thanksgiving traditions. My sister, who was with me when I ran my half marathon,
00:19:08
Speaker
decided to do the turkey trot in West Virginia. Now, for those of you who don't know what a turkey trot is, it's typically about three or so miles. Some turkey trots will be longer, like half or a marathon, but the one that we did was a 5K. And we made the decision, like in hindsight, I'm realizing maybe not the best decision, but we made the decision that we were going to run the 5K and then cook the Thanksgiving meal.
00:19:38
Speaker
Now, I know many of you guys are probably rolling your eyes a little bit. We, you know, we were very ambitious, very ambitious, thought we could do it. I'm like, look, I did a half. This is nothing. I got it. It's nothing. But even when running that race, it was, I,
00:19:58
Speaker
I kept getting reminders of not only my half mile race, but there was just a moment where, because again, it's West Virginia, so there's lots of trees, you're in nature, and I just see all these trees, I see all the families with their children and the kids trying to run, or some of the parents are carrying their kids, or in strollers, and it was just such a sweet moment of
00:20:24
Speaker
being reminded that life goes on, right? Life goes on. There are, and I don't mean it from a standpoint of that you have to rush any emotion that you're feeling and you just keep going, but that yes, right now there may be grief and there may be sorrow,
00:20:42
Speaker
But that there will also be joy there will also be hope there will also be excitement there will also be new beginnings that you're celebrating right and It was just such a sweet moment as I was Running just to be reminded of just how big our world is how much more there is left to live, right? How much
00:21:05
Speaker
I now know that I have a heart for caring and rescuing kittens and cats, and I don't plan to stop doing that. That is something that I feel called to do. And being reminded that and thankful that God entrusted me to do that, to be able to care for a part of His creation.
Thanksgiving Experiences and Emotional Healing
00:21:30
Speaker
And so, uh, we finished the race. Um, and now it's time to cook the Turkey dinner. Y'all, none of us had ever made a Turkey before. Uh, none of us ever made a Turkey before. I know, I know. And I made the mistake of calling the Turkey Alfred.
00:21:49
Speaker
And it was just, it was wild. I mean, my sister might probably tell a bit of a different story. I might have her come on here to share her experience or talk to you guys at some time. But there's just something about trying something new when you're on a time crunch and there are a bunch of hungry people that maybe I wouldn't recommend.
00:22:12
Speaker
or especially if you are a bit tired from doing a race. But even in that, I just was reminded that there's still so much more adventure and this desire to continue to try new things and to embrace this new change even when the grief comes, right? And so my hope for all of you who are listening who may be grieving a pet yourself
00:22:37
Speaker
or maybe navigating some other form of loss, whether it's a loved one, a dream, something that you hoped for, right? My hope and prayer for you is that you allow yourself to feel it all.
00:22:54
Speaker
I know that I will in a couple of weeks I'll be bringing on a guest and we'll be talking about emotions and how to fit and how to fit how to feel and sit with them because I know that that's a whole other separate conversation that we are gonna do a deeper dive into so just just hold on just a little bit longer but I do think that there is something about instead of rushing to get back into the routine allowing ourselves to feel the emotions as they come
00:23:24
Speaker
Because then they don't consume us, then they don't overwhelm us. And it allows space for us to remember old memories. It allows space for us to experience the joy along with the grief. And it allows us to truly heal. It doesn't mean that there aren't still waves of sadness that still come.
00:23:49
Speaker
But how do we learn how to embrace grief, not as something to avoid, but a reminder that we truly loved, that we truly cared, that we truly believed? And to me, that's worth the grief.
00:24:12
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening to this modified and a little bit shorter episode of United Not Uniform. Remember, there is more than enough space for us to be seen and to see others. Have a great day and I'll talk to you all soon. Bye.