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Understanding Attachment Theory: Types, Impact, and Healing Strategies
94 Plays6 months ago
Hey everybody - Travis here - today I am excited to dive into a foundational concept in psychology that's pivotal for personal growth and relationships - Attachment Theory! While we don't have a guest on today's episode, I will guide you through this enriching topic.
In this episode, we're going to explore some fundamental areas:
1. **Origins and Founders of Attachment Theory**: We delve into the mid-20th century work of British psychologist John Bowlby, often regarded as the father of attachment theory. Bowlby focused on the bond between the child and caregiver and how these early relationships impact emotional and psychological development throughout one's life. Plus, we'll discuss how Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby's work with her famous Strange Situation experiment, which classified different attachment styles.
2. **Types of Attachment Styles**: Understanding the four primary attachment styles - Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) - and how each style manifests in relationships and personal behavior. We'll also touch on how these styles influence conflict resolution and mental well-being.
3. **Impact on Relationships and Mental Health**: How your attachment style affects your interactions, conflict management, and overall mental health. Securely attached individuals tend to have better stress management and healthier conflict resolution, while those with insecure attachment styles may struggle more in relationships and mental health scenarios.
Challenge Question: Reflecting on your personal relationships, can you identify any patterns that point to a specific attachment style you may have? How do these patterns influence your interactions and conflict resolutions with loved ones?
So grab a notebook, because you're going to want to take notes as we navigate this complex yet crucial aspect of personal development. And remember, understanding your attachment style can be the first step towards healing, growth, and more fulfilling relationships.
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Transcript
Introduction by the Fire
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's episode of the podcast. If you can see, I'm sitting by my fire. If you're listening, you can't see it, but you might be able to hear it.
00:00:09
Speaker
And I just wanted to give a quick intro to this episode.
What is Attachment Theory?
00:00:13
Speaker
So this week is a short one, but it's a quick overview of what is attachment theory, going over a kind of a brief overview of the history of it, the founding kind of father, mothers, so to speak, of the theory, going over all four attachment styles briefly, along with
00:00:31
Speaker
kind of some impact it has on your relationships, why you should care and how to heal. And then following over the next few weeks, I'm going to be releasing other episodes kind of going a little deeper into each of the four attachment styles. Also, most importantly, along with how to heal. And before we jump in, if you want to stay
00:00:47
Speaker
kind of up to date with everything going on with the podcast and the YouTube channel everything you're gonna want to get on the free mailing list link in the description below if you want to go ahead and be part of the community go to patreon.com forward slash integrated man project also link in the description below and without further ado let's get into this week's episode
Who is John Bowlby?
00:01:09
Speaker
What is attachment theory? Who are the founders? What are the types? How do we heal from it? And most importantly, why should you care? Hi, my name is Travis Goodman. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and mind body coach. And I'm going to address all of those questions for you in this video. So let's get started.
00:01:27
Speaker
So the science of attachment theory has its origins in the mid 20th century by British psychologist John Bulby, and he posited and focused on the bond and relationship between child and caregiver. And he believed that these early childhood attachment experiences had significant impact on the well-being emotionally and psychologically for those individuals as they developed through their lifespan.
00:01:51
Speaker
A bit more about John Bulby, he is often considered the father of attachment theory. He proposed that the relationships and bonds between children and their primary caregivers played a critical role in the child's emotional, social, and cognitive development. And he introduced the concept of the attachment behavioral system, which is a biologically based system that evolved to ensure the survival of the infant by keeping the caregiver or caregivers
00:02:19
Speaker
Close.
Mary Ainsworth and Experimentation
00:02:20
Speaker
Following along and actually working with Bowlby and taking it a step further was a woman by the name Mary Ainsworth. And she was a developmental psychologist. Again, who worked closely with Bowlby, but she expanded on his ideas by conducting empirical research that led to the identification of different patterns of attachment. Then she came up with this experiment called the strange situation. And this was instrumental in classifying these attachment
00:02:49
Speaker
systems. And now you might be asking why Travis should I care about attachment theory? Let me tell you why. Because attachment theory and understanding your attachment style has so much significance in your life. Our attachment style plays a crucial role in how we engage with others relationally how we
00:03:07
Speaker
understand ourselves, how we experience the world around us, how we deal with conflict or lack thereof, how we reach for and engage with emotional, mental, psychological, physical intimacy. It also often has a significant impact on one's mental health and mental wellness.
00:03:25
Speaker
This also has an impact on when we become a parent and how you parent your children. Often we might replicate the similar engagement with our kids that maybe our parents gave to us. Now, sometimes we go different and realize maybe not engaging by kids' emotional needs wasn't so healthy or maybe yelling at my kids wasn't the best thing or maybe, you know, just shutting my kid in the room wasn't the best either. So some people might just now
00:03:49
Speaker
actually begin to do things differently because they knew deep down at their core that something was missing. But by and large, we need to understand this because this is going to help you find a roadmap towards more holistic health with yourself, with those around you and with your
Attachment Styles Overview
00:04:02
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community. So what are the four attachment styles? Number one, we have secure attachment and that primarily is characterized by a positive view of self and others.
00:04:11
Speaker
Individuals with this style are often comfortable with intimacy and independence, balancing the two in a relationship, able to hold themselves and their partner equally. Now, the next attachment style is anxious preoccupied attachment. And those that have this attachment style tend to be overly concerned with their relationships, seeking high levels of intimacy and approval while fearing rejection.
00:04:36
Speaker
The third would be a dismissive avoidant attachment. People with this style often maintain emotional distance from others, valuing their independence and self-sufficiency above close relationships. And the final is the fearful avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized.
00:04:54
Speaker
This is a complex style where individuals desire closeness, but fear getting too close to others, often resulting in turbulent relationships with this kind of hot cold. So while that was a quick, very brief overview of those four attachment styles, if you're interested in more, stay to the end because we're going to dive much deeper into each individual attachment style.
00:05:14
Speaker
And before we jump into how to heal, I first want to talk a bit more about what some other impacts that our attachment styles can have on us and those around us.
Impact on Mental Health and Relationships
00:05:25
Speaker
So our attachment styles play a significant part and role in our life with our mental health and mental wellness, how we engage in social relationships, and how we kind of cope with stress in our life, especially within intimate relationships.
00:05:38
Speaker
For example, those with the secure attachment style tend to have better stress management, tend to deal with interpersonal conflict more effectively, tend to recover more effectively, tend to have a better balance of themselves and others and not get so stuck in fear-based thinking or
00:05:57
Speaker
stuck in kind of an anxious or kind of a dismissive style, but tend to really re-engage relationships quickly, tend to have a healthier view of themselves. They tend to hold, again, a more balanced view of their partner as well. In contrast, those with the insecure attachment styles or the disorganized type tend to struggle more often in relationships. They tend to have more difficulty navigating conflict healthily. They tend to have very skewed thinking, very kind of polarizing black or white thinking with themselves or with their partners,
00:06:26
Speaker
It can also more often likely lead to mental health concerns like anxieties or depression. And again, this is so important to understand this about yourself. It's important to have insight into why you do what you do when there's conflict. You know, why do you pull away or or why do you tend to seek in with this person time and time and time and push and push and push or why you just kind of
00:06:46
Speaker
Throw in the towel and walk away. You want to know these things. You want to know why you cope the way you do, why you deal with conflict the way you do. Because once you gain insight into your style, it gives you the opportunity to change. Now, before I jump into ways to heal, I want to hear from you. Comment below what has kind of reached out to you so far in this video. Is it one of the attachment styles or is it some of the impacts?
00:07:07
Speaker
Now I know all you're wondering, okay Travis, so how do I heal if I have some of the insecure attachment styles with a disorganized type? Well, I'm glad you asked us. Here you go. Number one is therapy. So seeking professional help, especially from a therapist trained in attachment theory can provide insights and strategies for addressing your attachment.
00:07:24
Speaker
issues. So someone like myself who has a healthy, good, scientifically founded understanding of attachment theory, when I have a client or clients or a couple walk in my room, I'm always operating from that particular lens. I'm listening for their cues. I'm listening for the language they use. I'm listening and watching for their moves, how they cope, how they engage or disengage
Therapy and Attachment
00:07:46
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from
00:07:46
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conflict. And some of the most common patterns I see, by the way, especially in a couple is an avoidant attachment style male with kind of an anxious attachment style female. That's one of the most common ones that I've seen in my office. When there's conflict, the avoidant male will, well, avoid conflict to deal, to essentially not make things worse until he'll pull away and he'll kind of maybe disconnect emotionally
00:08:08
Speaker
and maybe even not know what he's feeling, so to speak, and outside of maybe anger, frustration, but he'll numb and he'll kind of, I don't want to make things worse. And what happens, that triggers in the female partner, that anxiety to kind of check in and say, wait, you're leaving me. And she'll sense that kind of disconnection and desperation and kind of come in and try and seek connection. And what it can often look like is maybe criticism attacking, because what she's trying to do is trying to have him engage with her. But the more she pushes, he pulls away farther.
00:08:35
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And then she pushes harder. And so it creates this kind of really negative tornado cycle.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion
00:08:40
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And what tends to happen out tends to end is they're both left feeling kind of disconnected and not feeling too great about themselves. So the second way is through mindfulness and self-compassion exercises.
00:08:51
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really mindfulness, one of the core tenets is being able to observe and describe your thoughts, your emotions, your kind of behaviors and body sensations. And part of why that's so important is because as you begin to become aware, especially like as you're engaging in conflict in a couple
00:09:07
Speaker
If you find yourself thinking to yourself, man, I just don't want to make things worse. I'm just going to pull away. Being mindfully aware of that thought and the feeling and the behavior helps you begin to kind of say, hmm, maybe, maybe I'm pulling away as a way and I'm avoiding this, this kind of conflict as a way of coping and managing and dealing with this stress. And maybe, maybe have an avoidant attachment style. Maybe I need to actually press into the relationship. And as we begin to become more aware of our emotional needs and our responses, we can then foster healthier relationships with ourself and with
Building Secure Relationships
00:09:35
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those around us.
00:09:35
Speaker
Now the third way is actually having relationships with people who have a secure attachment style. Now why would that be helpful? So part of this is when you form a close relationship with someone who is securely attached, they can offer models of healthy attachment with you because if let's say you're an anxious type and you have a friend who's really kind of secure in who they are, as you kind of are having that kind of hypervigilance and seeking connection and trying to get reassurance, they're
00:10:03
Speaker
calm presence, kind of like via osmosis, will begin to calm your nervous system. Your kind of anxious attention seeking behavior will begin to kind of soothe naturally in something called co-regulation. As it happens, it almost begins to kind of dissipate that anxiety. It begins to kind of smooth it out where you begin to trust this person because they're dependable. Because a core component of someone who's anxiously attaches at their caregiver was not really dependable.
00:10:27
Speaker
And the fourth is educational books. And there are so many books or workshops or courses on attachment theory that can provide valuable information and tools for understanding and addressing attachment related issues. So if you're someone who is self motivated and likes to read, likes to gain information in the description below, I have left you some helpful resources. Go ahead and click on those to get them.
00:10:48
Speaker
And so by addressing our own attachment issues, we have the opportunity to heal. We have the opportunity to become more integrated psychologically, physically, socially, and spiritually, as well as with our greater community.
Generational Healing
00:11:02
Speaker
And not only that, we are setting up the next generation to be just that much healthier. So take this opportunity now to begin to understand yourself to pass on a more healthy version for everybody else.