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Letting Go Without Giving In: The Truth About Forgiveness
57 Plays1 month ago
In this raw and revelatory episode, we dismantle the myth that forgiveness is about the other person. Spoiler alert: it’s not. This conversation dives into what forgiveness actually is (and isn’t), why we often resist it, and how to reclaim it as a radical act of self-healing. Whether you're holding onto hurt, waiting for an apology, or wondering how to forgive without letting toxic people back in—this one’s for you.
- What You’ll Learn:
- Why forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation
- The psychological and physical toll of unresolved resentment
- What it really means to "let go" when you still feel broken
- How to set boundaries and offer compassion—without betraying yourself
- Practical prompts to begin your own forgiveness work
- Key Stats + Research:
- Studies show that forgiveness lowers stress levels, reduces blood pressure, and can even boost your immune system (Worthington et al., 2007).
- Holding onto resentment activates the brain’s stress response—keeping you in a state of chronic emotional arousal.
- People who forgive report higher self-esteem, better relationships, and improved mental health.
Thank you for listening. Healing isn’t easy—but you don’t have to do it alone.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Exhausted Sparrows Unite'
00:00:06
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite, the podcast where we live our authentic selves no matter how exhausted we are.
The Necessity of Forgiveness for Personal Freedom
00:00:15
Speaker
I'm Krista Jones with my co-host Chantel Schaefer and today, uh-oh, another heavy topic, we are going to talk about forgiveness.
00:00:23
Speaker
Have you ever held on to something so long it just starts to feel like you? Like you can't even remember who you were before the betrayal, the silence, the hurt, Maybe it was a parent who said, i'm not proud of you.
00:00:36
Speaker
Or a partner who broke a promise to you. Maybe it was someone who should have protected you and they didn't. You think, I'll never forgive them. All right, that's fair.
00:00:48
Speaker
But, uh-oh, you need to. This episode isn't about being noble.
Spotlight on Sparrows Nest Charity
00:00:54
Speaker
It's about being free. Stay with me. Stay with me here. You're not forgiving because they deserve it.
00:01:00
Speaker
You're forgiving because do. Chantel Schaefer in the world of forgiveness. This topic is a tough one.
00:01:13
Speaker
Yes. For all of us at all times. All the time. At any time. It is tough to forgive people. And I think that's why it's so important for us to do it. And we're going to really dive into that today because there are a million reasons why you should forgive.
00:01:31
Speaker
And there are a million reasons why. We have the wrong idea, I think, of what that truly means. So welcome. You look beautiful today in your Sparrows Nest shirt. Softest shirt ever. Softest shirt ever. Sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:01:46
Speaker
What in the heck is Sparrowsnest Charity? Well, I'm glad you asked. We feed people and families that are facing a cancer diagnosis in a bunch of Hudson Valley counties here in New York.
00:02:00
Speaker
New York, at the state of, in the Hudson Valley. We're here in Dutchess County in beautiful Hopewell Junction. But wherever you are listening to us today, tonight, whatever time of day it is, Welcome.
00:02:12
Speaker
Go online, see who we are. Our faces are on there somewhere. No, we do not yet, of this episode, have our own website for Exhausted Sparrows Unite. But exciting news coming soon.
Debunking Forgiveness Myths
00:02:27
Speaker
We're going to start videoing these. We're going to start having sponsors in because you guys are really loving it and we're loving doing it. So things are about to change. Yeah, you deserve to see what the Exhausted Sparrows actually look like.
00:02:40
Speaker
In all of our authentic glory. Yeah. I mean, we're going to show you that and and you're going to be like, that's authentic. I'm excited for everybody to see the hand gestures that I get across the table.
00:02:53
Speaker
i am Italian and Italian people talk with their hands. That's what I've always been told. So, all right. Forgiveness. What is really happening here? There's a lot happening here. There is a lot happening here, but this is what I want to say first.
00:03:09
Speaker
And this is why I want to say, because it took me years to grasp this concept before I was able to forgive. This is the concept. We confuse the act of forgiveness with letting somebody back in, right? Weak, it's a dangerous myth.
00:03:28
Speaker
We many times feel that we need to forgive and we need to forget. And that is absolutely
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation: A Solo Journey
00:03:36
Speaker
not forgiveness. that is That is not what it is all about, right?
00:03:44
Speaker
no I'm still, I haven't hit that point yet. I haven't made it there. i I don't know in my 39 years, you know, I grew up with the, you know, forgive and forget. That was the attitude. It was on the stickers and it was the saying of childhood, forgive and forget.
00:03:59
Speaker
And it's still ingrained in me. And, and that makes it very hard for me to forgive. Um, because I don't forget.
00:04:09
Speaker
I'm like an elephant. I never forget. This is true. I know this about you. So there's the whole spiritual concept behind it, right? From the beginning of time as to why we need to do it.
00:04:24
Speaker
And there's so many mental and and physical reasons that we have to do it. So when you forgive someone,
00:04:39
Speaker
It does not mean that they have a free pass to continue hurting you in your life, but it does mean that you're letting go of whatever ick you have so that you can live freely, right? I say this to my kids all the time.
00:04:54
Speaker
If you don't forgive someone, They're not losing sleep. They have no idea how mad you are. They have no idea that it is eating at you, that it is all this emotion. It is consuming you. It is ruining your life. They don't care.
00:05:10
Speaker
don't care. Like, let's deal with that. I say that to the girls all the time. They don't care. You are suffering. You are changing your your entire life, your physical, mental well-being for somebody that has not given it a second thought. They absolutely have not.
00:05:29
Speaker
They haven't asked for forgiveness. They don't even care. They're probably never going to ask for forgiveness. They have moved on and you are stuck. You, the person that is hurt. That's not the way that's supposed to be. They're supposed to be stuck.
00:05:42
Speaker
You're not supposed to be stuck, but you are stuck and they don't even care. Krista Jones is taking me to church this morning. You know, it's, it's, it's, the fact that they don't even care should make you mad enough that you, you free it right?
00:05:59
Speaker
Because there's a whole thing with forgiveness and reconciliation, right? So forgiveness is really on you.
00:06:10
Speaker
right You're the only one that can do the forgiveness. It is a one person process. And you do it because you need peace in your life. You forgive it. But I need to say this too.
00:06:21
Speaker
Forgiving it does not mean that whatever happened to you, one, isn't valid and two, was right. like That is also what has always tripped me up. Me forgiving you doesn't mean that because you um' I'm making this up. This is not going on in my life ah because you cheated on me because um you're you're addicted to drugs and you continue stealing money from me. It doesn't mean that any of those things are right.
00:06:48
Speaker
and and And that is what you first have to realize. Forgiving somebody does not mean that it in any way... unvalidates for lack of a better term, the the pain that you're feeling, the hurt that it has caused, that is not true.
00:07:07
Speaker
you can choose not to reconcile with them. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to reconcile with them. It just means that you need peace in your own life and you never again make your boundaries. Don't talk to them, whatever you need to do.
00:07:24
Speaker
But I think that is the piece that trips us up. Because if you forgive, you're feeling that all of a sudden, well, what they did isn't valid. And of course it's valid. According to the Greater Good Science Center...
00:07:39
Speaker
If you forgive, Chantel, because I know you're working through some things. If you forgive, it can lower your blood bloodde pressure, improve your health. 60% of people believe that forgiveness means you have to let the person back into your life.
00:07:57
Speaker
But that's not true. So you can forgive and you can go on with your life and you can improve your blood pressure. you know, it's been a little while since I have my blood pressure tested. I'd be very interested to see where it stands right about now.
00:08:12
Speaker
Because you have to do it. Because, right, you can forgive and you can still walk
Reclaiming Power through Forgiveness
00:08:16
Speaker
away. You can forgive and you can still hold boundaries. You can forgive you can still be done.
00:08:23
Speaker
so like, we we have to know that in this whole forgiveness thing. you You don't have to forgive and then have a relationship with somebody, right? Forgiveness is the solo act of all of it.
00:08:35
Speaker
Reconciliation is a group and not everybody deserves to be on your team. Yeah. And I think that's where I get tripped up is I get stuck in that place. um I found this quote by Mr. Rogers, because as you said, I'm going through some stuff and there is areas where I need to find forgiveness.
00:08:53
Speaker
um But this quote really spoke to me. It says, forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. And it can be hardest of all to forgive people we love.
00:09:04
Speaker
and And I think that's where I get tripped up because you feel there should be reconciliation with the people that you love. And in my life, I feel if I forgive, then I need, that means I'm opening that door again.
00:09:21
Speaker
But reconciliation has to be a two-way street. So if you are forgiving, and the person that you're forgiving is not changing their behavior, then a reconciliation can't happen. It is a two-way street.
00:09:34
Speaker
So if there's no changes on somebody's end, then there's no reconciliation because as we've talked about in you know other podcasts, there needs to be boundaries.
00:09:45
Speaker
you know Here's the thing. Jesus walked to this earth and told us to forgive, but Jesus also never said, you need to be a doormat. He never said you need to continue letting somebody sin and sin and sin. and You absolutely can and should for your own peace and your own boundaries kind of separate that.
00:10:02
Speaker
And you know, you're not good for me right now. You're toxic right now. This is not bringing me inner peace. I have forgiven you so that I can have peace inside of me, but I am not in any way opening those doors to let you back in to do that to me again. I'm setting boundaries.
00:10:20
Speaker
How? Oh, we're going to get to that. We're going to get to that. But we're going to talk about first why we resist forgiveness because like you said, you're struggling with it and everybody struggles with it, right? Because I think
00:10:35
Speaker
we have to reframe it. I really think that's what it kind of all boils down to. And we resist forgiveness because...
00:10:45
Speaker
We want, we want the pain to matter, right? Like we, your pain is substantiated, right? We want somebody to go, i see the pain that you're walking through and that is because of me and I'm sorry. And I hate to say this and I'm going to say this to some of you and it's going to make you so sad.
00:11:02
Speaker
You are probably never going to get that sorry from some people. You're never going to get the sorry. And that's, and I think that's where I get hung up. And you have to
Krista's Personal Stories of Forgiveness
00:11:14
Speaker
know that. You have to know that you cannot project what you would do onto somebody else.
00:11:19
Speaker
There are people in this world that just aren't good people. And they have hurt you in ways that are degrading and humiliating and raw and awful.
00:11:32
Speaker
Awful, awful things are done every day to people. And if they sit in that and replay it and wallow in that, it completely changes them. And why should someone that is so awful to you have any control over your life and be able to change who you are?
00:11:53
Speaker
And if you don't forgive them and you don't completely wash yourself of that, like they have such a hold on you still. And who wants to give anybody that is a jerk that kind of power? Yeah, that's a really good point.
00:12:06
Speaker
Right? There's this like justice gap, like, because we all want justice. The justice is that, you know, you are going to tell us, you know, how sorry you are, you,
00:12:20
Speaker
it's really hard to forgive someone. That justice gap is like, right? The longer it goes without somebody saying they're sorry, the angrier you get, the more justice you need for the actions that they've done to you.
00:12:33
Speaker
And you rehash it. There's like now this resentment and now you're rehashing it over and over again because you expected this action that never took place. It's this big justice gap. And your nervous system is in survival mode. And now you've got chronic stress And now you've got long-term harm because you can't let it go because you're still festering and you're waiting and waiting for this apology that, you know, we all play out the scenario.
00:12:58
Speaker
They're going to see me out in public and they're going to be like, I'm so sorry, Chantel, for all the hurt I caused you when I left with that other woman.
00:13:09
Speaker
You know what i mean? Like I'm going to get the revenge body and I'm going to listen. i mean, get get the body, get the body because we want you to be healthy, but get rid of that mind frame because in what? 1% of the cases that happens.
00:13:22
Speaker
Yeah. two percent 2% it just doesn't happen. Yeah. And you know, looking at it, you do realize how much it sits on you while you watch the other person just Go about their day like it's nothing. Because they're not giving you a second thought. And I hate to say that, but in a lot of cases, you you're you're not even a second thought.
00:13:46
Speaker
Why even give them that power? And here's the thing. When you forgive, you're not saying that it didn't hurt. You're saying it's not going to keep hurting me. It hurt me.
00:13:57
Speaker
I'm cutting it off. I'm done. It is not going to keep, I'm telling you there is peace in that. And I know that there are people out there that have had awful tragedies that have been sexually abused that, you know, have ah lived with people with substance abuse. Like there are horrible tragedies out there. And I know that you're going, Krista, like you have no idea.
00:14:20
Speaker
You're right. I have no idea. All that I can tell you is that you need to free yourself from it. At the end of the day, you don't need to judge it because guess what? It will be judged at the end of time.
00:14:35
Speaker
It will be taken care of. i am telling you, it is always taken care of and it's not your job to have to take care of it Yeah.
00:14:47
Speaker
I, uh, I know she's like, I don't have so much to say because I'm i'm really soaking this in because i know you are it really is speaking to me on a, on a very visceral level. And and for everybody out there that's listening, Chantel is kind of like, ah, gosh, I don't know I don't know that this is the day that we should do this podcast. And it's funny because, you know, we go through ideas here and stuff. So Chantel and I are going through forgiveness And she's like, all right, like, let's do a podcast about how you don't have to forgive and it's okay.
00:15:16
Speaker
And I go, no, no, that's not the one we're going to do. And she's like, shoot. And I'm like, and we're going to do this now because these are like core truths that, you know, we all need to hear. I need to hear them.
00:15:29
Speaker
There have been plenty of things in my life that, you know, I have struggled to forgive, um, And as much as we'd like to say we've arrived, we've never really arrived. Every single day, there are certain things that have been done to me that I have to get up.
00:15:44
Speaker
And if I have a thought, a feeling, i have to go, nope, I've already forgiven it. Nope, I've already forgiven it. It's like a daily process. It's not something like you go, I forgive you, Sally. And then like, you never have to worry. You might have to forgive Sally 833 times every single day. What did Sally do? Sally could have done a lot of stuff.
00:16:04
Speaker
You know what I mean? But- We have to do it because staying mad isn't going to change it It's just going to mortgage your peace for the future, right? Like staying mad at those past things aren't, it's
Practical Strategies for Forgiveness
00:16:20
Speaker
only hurting you. It's hurting nobody else. So we have to get practical about it, right?
00:16:24
Speaker
Because it's a lot of work. It's not fluffy stuff. It is a lot of work after you forgive. Like I said, you don't just forgive and then you're done.
00:16:36
Speaker
Now you got to work on the boundary work. Yeah. Right. If you are not going to let this person back into your life, you have to figure out what what is this boundary work going ah go to go to look like.
00:16:48
Speaker
I'm no longer making space in my life for whoever this person is. Right. I'm not going to let you hijack my present. I'm not going to let you hijack my peace. Unforgiveness is a way to stay connected to the person that hurt you. And who wants that?
00:17:04
Speaker
If a person has been so awful to you, you are not releasing the tie that holds you together because you're not forgiving them. So there is still an unforgiveness. You two are connected at the hip.
00:17:16
Speaker
That is such an interesting way to look at it because I've always looked at it as, Not forgiving is putting up a wall, it's putting up a boundary. I didn't look at it, it I mean, that that's like, it's so true.
00:17:31
Speaker
There is that constant tie there because you're constantly feeling that resentment and that anger. 100% towards someone that you don't even wanna give them you know the time of day anymore because you know whatever they've done to you has has hurt you.
00:17:44
Speaker
But you're giving them the time of day 58 times a day
00:17:49
Speaker
It's not easy. Like I'm saying all of this and I know that there are people listening that are saying, I'm telling you, I know it is ah it is a work in progress. I will tell you what I have done in the past.
00:18:02
Speaker
um So i had a situation Here at Sparrows Nest, years and years ago, we have running groups. And we started with a group of like 50, 60 people that went to you know Disney World.
00:18:21
Speaker
We go to all these great destinations and people raise money and it's amazing. And listen, I don't say this to beat on women at all, but the group is mostly made of women and women can have very dynamic personalities.
00:18:34
Speaker
So I got really involved with these groups in the beginning. I was going to all the fundraisers that they did. i was meeting them out for dinner. I was taking walks with all of them. If somebody was not having a great day, I was baking cookies and going to their office. I was getting really, really involved.
00:18:51
Speaker
And then I found out that there was, the first year we did it, there was like, let's say 50 of us. And then the next year we did it, there was 160 that joined the team. Wow. Amazing.
00:19:02
Speaker
Except for the five of them that were mad at me for that and said that I was getting greedy and how dare I open up the team to more people and what was I thinking?
00:19:13
Speaker
I mean, they had a Facebook page ah group about me And I found it and it was devastating. It was, it was, it was devastating. I don't even know how else, like, think about that.
00:19:28
Speaker
I'm trying to raise money for people that have cancer. And obviously the more people that come into the team, the more money that we raise, right? That year, that next year, we raised the most money we've ever raised. It was like $450,000.
00:19:40
Speaker
four hundred and fifty thousand dollars like it was amazing. And now I've got this, this group of women, small group. Oh my gosh, it was awful. They were making fun of me.
00:19:52
Speaker
They were saying I micromanage things because, you know, we were, we needed to approve the wording on their fundraisers. Like it was awful. So I am telling you this because I wrote a release letter.
00:20:07
Speaker
That is what I do. I wrote an awful letter and I put everything in the letter and never sent it. I wrote an email. I revised that puppy for like three months.
00:20:17
Speaker
Every day I take it back out. I write something different. And I'm not saying that this is good either, right? Because this is me festering. oh this is what I want to say. and This is what I want to say. But I got it all out to myself.
00:20:30
Speaker
And I ripped it up and I never sent it. And then, because right after working through it, it was probably like two weeks after working through it and, and, and getting it really good and all these things that I would say.
00:20:44
Speaker
And then what I did is I addressed it with each of them personally. I physically said, i know what you did. I had to let them stay on the team.
00:20:57
Speaker
My board told me to, right? So I had to forgive them. I had to look at them every day and I had to forgive them. Otherwise this was going to be awful. And i had to say, I know what you did.
00:21:09
Speaker
I'm hurt. I am disappointed. you know, I gave them a chance to say whatever they wanted because for me, i need to speak my truth. I need to let you know why you've hurt me. And then maybe you'll say, oh my gosh, I had no idea. no I mean, of of course you do when you're, I have a Facebook page about me, but maybe, you know, you're like, I had no idea that I said that and that hurt your feelings. And I had no, but that was for me, my process.
00:21:32
Speaker
I had to write these letters and say all these things and I'm going to anonymously mail it to your house. You know what I mean? Like you have all these scenarios in your head.
Forgiveness as Self-Love and Boundary Setting
00:21:41
Speaker
So I had to do all of that. And for me, I was like, yeah, yeah.
00:21:44
Speaker
But I had to get over it quick because then, you know, you get into this whole, you know, you got to stick it to them thing. And then i when I was in a better place, I wrote out all the spewy, awful comments.
00:21:55
Speaker
revised it when I was in a better headspace and was able to have a conversation with them and say, this just really hurt me. That was just really crappy. Like I'm just trying to feed people that are sick.
00:22:06
Speaker
Why would that be a bad thing if, you know, the group's grown from 50 to 160? And I had to kind of do that. I had to work through that. I had to do these exercises to get to a place. And I would be lying if 10 years later, ah can't tell you that these people are still in our community and,
00:22:24
Speaker
Anytime that I have to immediately go stop, it is the first thing I think. And I immediately have to go stop. And I have to, i have to retrain myself and reframe things. And immediately i put my boundary up. Stop, Krista, to stop. You forgave it. Stop.
00:22:40
Speaker
And I'm nice and I'm kind. And I try to be, you know, me, but I have a boundary. Well, yeah, you have to. I mean, there that you lose a lot of trust in that kind of a situation.
00:22:53
Speaker
And that boundary protects you. You know, I think that's one of my biggest fears of not forgiving is is the opening yourself up to be re-hurt. And you don't have to.
00:23:05
Speaker
You don't have to open yourself up to be re-hurt. You know, when somebody shows you their actions time and time and again, believe them. that's who That is who they are. And if, it you know, you may decide let them back in once or twice, but you know, whatever that threshold looks like to you, time three, time four, when is there a time when you respect yourself enough to say, I've forgiven you, but you know,
00:23:28
Speaker
these aren't behaviors that I can put up with. There's a difference. You don't, putting up with a behavior and saying, I'm not going to put up with It doesn't mean forgave them. You've forgiven them. But now I have to remove myself from the situation because you're not doing this to me again.
00:23:41
Speaker
Yeah. And that's the reframing that I need. And this is the message that I needed to hear is that those are two completely different things that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. And it doesn't mean letting that person back in and opening yourself up to being hurt. It's separating those things that and it,
00:23:57
Speaker
has been ingrained since childhood that you forgive, you forget, you move on and life is glorious. That, you know, as a person, i I can make that decision too. I can forgive you, but I can say no more. 100%, because you should forgive.
00:24:10
Speaker
because you should forgive And you should do your best to move on and have a beautiful life. But that doesn't it doesn't mean you forget, right? And it's it's a hard pill to swallow that they may never apologize to you, right?
00:24:24
Speaker
You're not, of course, you know, ah you may never get the apology. We we said it a little bit earlier. 40% of people never even receive an apology for a serious betrayal that they've gotten.
00:24:35
Speaker
And of those people that do, 38% of people that do, according to this Pew Research, say that they feel that the apology was manipulated or was insufficient anyways.
00:24:47
Speaker
I mean, I think sometimes people apologize because they think it's the right thing to do and there's no real meaning behind it and it's just to save face. so that you'll open that door back up. People say that's like narcissistic traits, right?
00:25:00
Speaker
And it's funny because, and not really that funny, but Chantal and I all the time, I'm like, what exactly? Like a narcissist person to me, like the definition, like I'm always trying to figure out what exactly it is, but right?
00:25:11
Speaker
Those are the people that really don't admit to any of their wrongdoing and then just kind of get up and next day are like, hey, let's go for a walk. And you're like, are you kidding me? You just did this. You just did that.
00:25:22
Speaker
You know, and and, and, and you got to think about that. What do you really need to hear to move on? And most of the time you're not going to, you're not going to hear it. Yeah. And words are just that they're just words. And can you say whatever it is to yourself so that you can move on? Of course you can.
00:25:37
Speaker
Maybe I can write a script and you can say it to me. Oh, I could do that for you. Somehow I don't think this is going to go well. Right. But you know, You have to do it for yourself. I think that you know you have to know that you don't need to hear I'm sorry to give yourself peace.
00:25:56
Speaker
And that really is what we all think. yeah do You tell me that you're sorry and you truly mean it, will have peace. You don't need that to have peace. No, you're absolutely right. Right? And so let's talk about how you forgive Chantal because you know there I always give you these whoppers and then you're like, that sounds great on paper,
00:26:16
Speaker
But how do i do it? Right? So you have to look at forgiveness is actually you being strong, which we just talked about in the last episode. If you didn't catch it, please do.
00:26:29
Speaker
Exhausted Sparrows Unite. um You have to be strong because forgiveness actually is power. And people are like, no, it's not. I'm weak. I'm forgiving somebody that, you know, did X, Y, Z to me for four years. No, no, no, no, no.
00:26:42
Speaker
You're not saying the story didn't happen, but you're saying this story doesn't define me. And you are not powerful enough in my life to hold space anymore in my peace.
00:26:55
Speaker
That's powerful. That makes you strong. It is. It is. I actually, another quote, ah Tyler Perry this time ah says, it's not an easy journey to get to a place where you forgive people, but it is such a powerful place because it frees you. That's what that's all about.
00:27:13
Speaker
This is all about freeing yourself. And here's the thing. I am going to get spiritual. I am. For those of you that believe that Jesus Christ is our savior, he died on a cross for sins that are the most atrocious sins we could ever think of.
00:27:32
Speaker
The most atrocious sin in the world was the murder of Jesus Christ, who, by the way, rose three days later and forgave them for that sin. If you believe in God and God is saying to you, I will forgive your sin immediately when you tell it to me.
00:27:51
Speaker
You have to be able to do that for everybody else. He forgives us of things that we could never imagine forgiving other people for. So if you believe...
00:28:03
Speaker
in the spirituality of this, then you have to do what's been done for you. And that's a crazy thing. And then you have to look at this through like all these different lenses, like, right, the mental health lens, the physical lens, like forgiveness therapy. It's actually called forgiveness therapy. is going to reduce your depression and your anxiety and PTSD symptoms.
00:28:28
Speaker
It is going to reduce it because you're not reliving the trauma every day. You're choosing to forgive it and you're choosing to do your best to block it. And it's not about you being naive. It's it's about you choosing not to be bound to another person, as we said earlier, right?
00:28:45
Speaker
Because there's a tie when you're not forgiving them.
00:28:51
Speaker
So is forgiveness therapy like a thing? Like you can go to forgiveness therapy or are there steps to forgiveness therapy that I could do on my own? Well, yes, you can of course do it on your own. Sometimes you have to write it out and you have to do these exercises to make yourself feel better.
00:29:08
Speaker
Sometimes you need to have a monologue with yourself saying everything that you need to say and then imagining that the other person has heard it all and And and and and it has said that they're sorry.
00:29:21
Speaker
You need to create these boundaries if you are the type of person that doesn't see change in somebody else and you need to protect your peace. All of this is important and therapy is amazing.
00:29:32
Speaker
Sometimes you need to go to therapy and you need to talk to somebody else about what is happening to you these traumas, because... There are awful traumas out there. And you know, this podcast in 30 minutes isn't going to make you just turn around and forgive Sally, who we've talked about that needs forgiveness 833 times a day.
00:29:51
Speaker
Sometimes you really need coping mechanisms. You need therapy to do this. We absolutely agree with therapy, you know, because you need... to at the end of the day self-worth because really, right? It boils down to that.
00:30:08
Speaker
If you look at your children and you see them in a bad relationship and how they're being treated and you know, as mama bear, that your child should never put up with that. Why in the world would you, you need the self-worth to know didn't deserve that.
00:30:25
Speaker
That has nothing to do with me. Hurt people hurt people, right? Yeah. Like, I'm not taking accountability for their actions. Their actions aren't who I am. We need to develop better self-worth so that we also don't put up with it.
00:30:41
Speaker
We forgive it and we don't let it back into our lives if it's going to continue over and over again. So, you know, it's not an easy process. Every single day, I can't even tell you the 10 people have to go, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
00:30:53
Speaker
And I'm a work in progress too. Like there's a million things that I know that I need to do. And I know that Chantel Schaefer, you are just soaking it all in today. but Yeah, i have I have some work to do.
00:31:04
Speaker
We all have some work to do, but here's the thing. We can do it. So you've been carrying the wound, the weight, the story for so long. You didn't deserve what happened. And no you don't need to have to pretend that it didn't matter, but you do get to say it stops here.
Conclusion: Choosing Oneself through Forgiveness
00:31:22
Speaker
You deserve a life that isn't built around surviving the damage. You deserve joy and softness, freedom, even if someone never says,
00:31:34
Speaker
They're sorry. Forgiveness is not about them. It's about choosing yourself every single time. If you like our podcast, you can find our charity at sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:31:48
Speaker
And you can also chat with Chantel and I. Send us a message on Facebook, on our Sparrows Nest Facebook page or our Instagram page. We love to hear your feedback. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.