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When Dating Feels Like a Job You Don’t Want to Apply For
70 Plays22 days ago
Dating doesn’t have to feel like interviewing for endless jobs you’re not even sure you want. In this episode, I share why treating love like a checklist of dates doesn’t work for everyone, especially when you know your energy is valuable. Instead, my approach is about dating yourself, enjoying your own company, and waiting for the right fit rather than swiping just to fill the time.
I address how dating from lack only attracts more lack and how shifting into self-trust changes everything. You’ll hear stories about setting boundaries (like walking away from someone who couldn’t remember the simplest details) and why holding your standards isn’t “too much”… it’s magnetic.
This episode is for you if:
• You’re tired of dating like it’s a numbers game
• You’re craving a love that feels intentional, not filler
• You’re learning how to date yourself first and build from fullness
• You’re ready to stop attracting from lack and start calling in your true match
Because when you’re no longer afraid to be alone, you’re no longer available for anything less than what you truly deserve. And we ALL are deserving of love that feels right, not forced.
Loved what you heard? Make sure to give the podcast a five-star rating!
Don't forget to stay connected:
🌿 Website: www.wanderingthewildmess.com
📸 Instagram: @heatherdyann
🎵 TikTok: @wanderingthewildmess
📺 YouTube: @utahgirlinnash
📩 Email: utahgirlinnash@gmail.com
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
had any hot dates lately, the struggle or the excitement of dating when you never thought you would again.
00:00:12
Speaker
Let's get into it. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. i am so happy you're here. All right, y'all. I did not really know if I wanted to talk about this topic, but weirdly, i honestly get asked a lot from people to talk more about dating.
00:00:32
Speaker
And I have some thoughts and opinions. So I thought, okay, fine. Let's talk about it. Because um i had a buddy of mine be like, any hot dates lately? And I literally was having to think about the last date I was on. And i was like, wow, wow.
00:00:52
Speaker
And I don't really want to like air my personal life, even though clearly i do because I have this podcast, um but not in in all of the, you know, really details of every little thing. But it came to my attention because that is like a question that I was like even taken back by that I realized is a part of my reality that wasn't for so very long.
00:01:16
Speaker
So I feel like anyone that is, you know, if you've gotten out of a relationship, any kind of relationship long term, or you're starting over, after divorce and you're like, that is just kind of like, it's kind of like a weird question, any hot dates lately, because I literally wasn't dating for so long.
00:01:34
Speaker
And really since my divorce and I've talked about this, like i haven't really done a lot of that. It doesn't really, i don't know. it just hasn't felt like something normal to me. So I haven't prioritized it, but I wanted to talk about it a little bit because people are asking like, how do you kind of navigate it? And one thing that I realized I went to My first wedding since the messy one I talked about in an earlier episode, I think it was season one where I talked about the first wedding I went to during my separation and what a mess that was.
00:02:10
Speaker
And if you haven't heard it, you should go back and listen because it was wild. But I went to one more back in Utah, not that, you know, probably a couple of weeks ago or a month or so ago. And it was actually so beautiful. um And I absolutely loved it. And it was such a different vibe from my separation.
00:02:30
Speaker
oh this will be fine to like this. realized how much I had healed, at how it felt so different. And But the other thing that i noticed, which, you know, was a whole bunch of other married couples. And the the irony, too, is that the girl's wedding that it was, shout out to um my friend Brenda.
00:02:48
Speaker
She came to Nashville for a bachelorette party, too. So that was a joy. um but was that she had gotten divorced just probably like, I think she was going through it like a year before me, give or take, like around that time. And so I realized now i have had a a few people I've talked about that have gotten divorced or around or a little before me back home and are already in serious relationships. are have multiple, most the three girls I knew, two of the three are already remarried.
00:03:21
Speaker
So I don't think about that often, but when I do, I'm like, gosh, Heather, you don't even really wanna date. And then these other people are already now on their second marriages.
00:03:32
Speaker
And you're like, um yeah. So i I wanted to kind of talk about that because I feel like now, and I've said before, like having single friends out here, all my friends are single.
00:03:45
Speaker
I just got back from, my Nashville friends are all single. I have a few, one married friend, one in in a committed relationship for for the majority They're all single.
00:03:56
Speaker
And then my friends back home are all married. So I just got back from this is timely and this is a little bit. But I just got back from California where I went on a trip with five married couples and I 11th wheeled it.
00:04:12
Speaker
And I thought like I was like, this will be interesting. We'll see. Like, how is this with me? Like, how will I feel? What will it be like? Because I haven't I don't even really hang out with married couples that much now, you know. And so it was actually like the best time ever.
00:04:30
Speaker
And being by myself, like didn't I didn't really feel like left out per se I mean, obviously, I knew the people and I'm like outgoing and it was fine. But there were moments where it was like I went back and forth in my head. So if you're married, you probably can feel this because I obviously, you know, when you're married, you're like your partner's there and then there's this it's two people.
00:04:53
Speaker
So there's like it's not always just like a vibe. Sometimes you're like I want to do this and they want to do that and it just – you know, sometimes. And so being single in that and watching and no one was like, no one was like not having a good time. The couples were all great, but you can just tell, especially if you've been married where you're like, oh yeah, I'm glad I'm not worrying about my partner. You know, I just get to do me.
00:05:18
Speaker
So there's like these pros and cons to it where I'm just like in my own little land, like whatever I want to do, I'm just going with the flow. But then when you're with someone's like, where do you want to eat? What do you want? You know, there's just differences.
00:05:29
Speaker
And when I think about
00:05:34
Speaker
dating and being back in that, there's like also pros and cons. And I'll say one thing. I think a lot of people that I've met since this whole like being divorced and being a Nashville with whole bunch of single people, it almost feels like this, we got to like date as many people as we possibly can so we can find the right one.
00:05:57
Speaker
And it almost feels like spending like all this time in the lake, like looking for the like right fish and you're just out there fishing and you stop like enjoying just the leisurely fishing of life. And you're just like, we got to reel them in. Next one, next one, next one.
00:06:11
Speaker
Like that's kind of what it gives me the vibe. Like, I don't know. And I don't want to do that. Like, I don't want to fish for sport. I want to just have a good time. And A lot of like i thought of this analogy and I'm not judging like everyone will meet who's meant for them in whatever way in which it's supposed to. And if that's, you know, being on the dating apps for years and then finally meeting the person for you like that.
00:06:39
Speaker
could be definitely someone's path and I'm not judging that. But I know that's not my path and I don't think there's anything wrong with me saying that um because it's not me saying, oh, I'm better because I'm not going to do the apps. It's just like I'm i'm not.
00:06:51
Speaker
And don't because I don't want to because it doesn't feel right to me because it doesn't feel like something I want to do because it doesn't like I don't I don't think that it's supposed to. be that way for me personally.
00:07:04
Speaker
And I'm not saying that people that use it are like, well, I love it and that's why I'm doing it. But if they feel a pull to do it that way, then maybe they should. So I never judge it. But the one, the thought that I had about it when people are asking me like, well are you going to talk about dating.
00:07:19
Speaker
For me, it's like, When I did and I've talked about a few times and went on a date with this guy um like three times, I remember my friends like you need to like after the first day. i was like, yeah, it's pretty cool. Like maybe, you know, whatever. So I go on the second one. and I was like, nah.
00:07:34
Speaker
And she was like and nothing against him. He's a great guy. Don't get me wrong. um But I just knew it wasn't for me. And she was like, no, you got like all these experts say you got to go on a third date and see and blah, blah. And I'm like, ah so I go, you know, cave, which you should always go with. To me personally, I feel like you don't need to listen to me. Go with what you feel. Like you you will know what's right for you. I'm a firm believer in that.
00:08:01
Speaker
So if you listen to anything on this episode about dating, it's trust your own gut and instinct and feelings. that will lead me to another thought. But So back to this. So she tells me, okay, you have to go.
00:08:14
Speaker
third date. So I go and I'm like, like, i already knew, like, absolutely no. Like, I just, it wasn't the vibe. Nothing wrong with him. Nothing even, I can't even give you like a bad thing. It was just like, I just felt like, you know, like he just liked the idea of me and didn't really like, you know, I don't know. i It wasn't for me.
00:08:35
Speaker
And after that, I told him and he was super nice about it. And i did that whole thing, but I was like, i I feel like I already would just know right away. And I'm not saying like love it. Like I'm not saying I like be in love at first sight, but I feel like I will just know like this is my vibe or not.
00:08:54
Speaker
like get that and Because I'm that way even with friendships. Like when I meet someone, I can be like, oh, yeah, like this person will probably be one of my close friends. Or like, no. And I know you can probably do that too. So if you think about that with people that you meet, right?
00:09:08
Speaker
Like even a job, you're like, I could definitely see myself working here. Like if you don't get that feeling about a job, like I could see myself working here, but then you just keep going. You're like, well, they pay well. wow they but Like it's probably not for you.
00:09:22
Speaker
But that's what I feel like we – ah we, a lot of people do with dating. It's like they're kind of like waiting for it to get better when like literally that first vibe and energy is probably the initiator if it's going to get better. And I'm not saying people don't have stories to say the latter, right?
00:09:43
Speaker
I'm sure they do. Oh, I didn't really like it, but then look at how great it became. I'm sure that could be someone's story and truth. But for me, Every time in my life that I have been like, oh, even then jobs is a great one where I was like, oh, I don't really want this. It's not really for me.
00:10:01
Speaker
And I remember there was this one job I had, and this is perfect. This is how I feel like dating works too. it was this one job. I was like, I went into the office and I was like, no, it's not the vibe, like something about the the manager, or something about the office. I was like, no.
00:10:19
Speaker
And I said no. And I listened to myself and said no. But then like I was at my other job and they literally called me and was like, look, we'll offer you more money. We've been interviewing. You're the best candidate.
00:10:30
Speaker
And I thought, oh, maybe this is meant for me because they they wanted me you know so much and they're going to pay me more. And so I didn't listen to that. And I took the job and it was literally ended up being one of the most stressful. Like I was miserable just thinking about going to that job before I ended up leaving.
00:10:54
Speaker
And so if I would just listened from the, and it's fine, it was a lesson and that, but it was like, for me, that's how it feels with like a person in my life. Like I know if it's not a yes, it's a no.
00:11:08
Speaker
And that doesn't mean about them personally, but it's like, so that's what's kind of hard about dating for me, I guess. And I wonder if anyone else kind of like can feel this because, and I have talked to other women that,
00:11:21
Speaker
ah feel like, and I don't really know a lot personally, but um some that I've talked to online that feel this where they're just, you're kind of just isolated because you're like, if it's not a yes, I just don't really want to. It's not that you're like better or like, look at me, I'm just waiting for the perfect person. It's kind of like, no, ah ah not the perfect person. No one's perfect, but like the right vibe for me.
00:11:44
Speaker
And I realize in when we're dating to Sometimes when we're dating or we're bringing people into into our life, if we really am true and honest with ourselves, we realize that there's some ties to things that we haven't worked through that are not about I'm ready for ah partner. They're about I'm not ready to sit in myself.
00:12:09
Speaker
I'm not ready to self-reflect with things I need to work through. I'm not ready to be confident enough to be alone. I'm not comfortable enough alone. And I know that there's some people that loneliness can be harder for them.
00:12:22
Speaker
And I understand that. And I know that I'm someone that like deals with being alone probably better than a lot of the other women that I've spoken to. like They like to have someone there. And don't get me wrong.
00:12:35
Speaker
There are so many times where I'm like, okay. And this is only recently. This wasn't the whole time. Most of the time I was like, I'm good. But now it's coming up. So I guess that's why people are asking me where there are moments where I'm like, yeah, that's a partner would be really amazing right now with some of the things that I'm feeling and going through and navigating.
00:12:58
Speaker
And honestly, like, even though I had a great time at the concert with, you know, five married couples, like me being able to bring like someone I love to vibe with, like, um, I ended up, that will be for another time, but I ended up, we went to Morgan Wallen and we had seats.
00:13:14
Speaker
I manifested pit tickets. That will be another story, but literally, got them before Margaret and Mullen went on. So I had to, I just want to remind myself of that joyful moment. And that would have been so cool. Like my person looking at me, like, of course you would do that.
00:13:30
Speaker
Uh, it was really cool actually. So I needed that little spark of happiness, but anyways, so it was so fun. And sometimes I was looking over and like seeing the couples, you know, doing their little, and I was like,
00:13:42
Speaker
But it's fine. I was just like, I guess I'm the problem. You know, so it was fine. But like there were moments, but I never want to like just get rid of those moments of loneliness with someone that's like not the right fit for me because I feel like I have already done that. And maybe that's why it's easier for me to see that like I've already sat and stayed with what wasn't meant for me just because i want i didn't know what it would feel like to not be a wife.
00:14:12
Speaker
I didn't want to go through the pains of you know exiting a relationship. i I didn't want to date. i didn't want to face maybe some things that I needed to work through to be a better partner because that's been a big one for me is that you have to kind of, if you wanna attract the right person, you have to be the right person, I think.
00:14:39
Speaker
And until I get to that space where I'm so, you don't have to be perfect, don't get me wrong. But until I get to that space where I'm just like, okay, I feel good.
00:14:50
Speaker
And one thing I'll tell you about why I feel this way about like being in the right space and not just dating, I think I need to go back to I'm kind of jumping around. But I feel like it's like when you're just dating and dating and dating and you don't know you're just trying to date everyone. You're going, like, like I said, I've talked about a little bit before how I had friends that were going on like m five dates a week or like two dates in one night. It's like, okay, like I guess there's some mathematic strategy in their minds around that.
00:15:21
Speaker
For to me, it's like a draining of energy. So not for me, but also like, it's almost like interviewing for a whole bunch of jobs you don't even want. Like, would you really, like for me, I feel like,
00:15:35
Speaker
there's a level. So think about this. You lose your job. And then at the beginning, you're like, okay, I'm just going to try to find a job. So then you're only going for the jobs you really, really want because you're like, I have a little bit of time.
00:15:47
Speaker
so I'm going to find this job that I really want to do. But then the longer it goes that you didn't land that job, you just start applying for everything. You're like, no, I don't really want to work at the circus, but Sounds like a good plan.
00:16:02
Speaker
And then you're like, but I need a job. And you just, and that necessity, that like desperation puts you in rooms you don't even want to be in. Because you're just like, well, this is a job.
00:16:17
Speaker
And I'm not judging. Like that, again, can be someone's journey, but it's not mine. And if you think about that in that analogy, is that yours? Because I feel like applying for a job, interviewing, doing all those things, like I don't know why I would do it if I don't see it being the job for me.
00:16:40
Speaker
And I get it. Sometimes it could sound like it is. And then you get in there and you're like, oh, never mind. OK, that's probably worth your energy because you you were like, this might be, you know, this might be a good fit for me.
00:16:52
Speaker
But just every single job posting that's decent and being like, this could be the one.
00:17:01
Speaker
That's not my dating strategy. And I don't even have a dating strategy, but ah that doesn't work for me. So I think like whenever whatever happens, I don't even like I'm honestly probably the delusional girl that's like, I don't know if he'll be at the grocery store or like boarding a flight at the same time as me or have no idea. I know my back home friends when I was going ah to the concert, like maybe I'll meet at the concert. And I'm like, honestly, like I don't even remember looking at a single man the whole concert. So like.
00:17:34
Speaker
If you saw me, I didn't see you um because I'm kind of just like doing my own life. And I ah said this the other day to my friend.
00:17:45
Speaker
I feel like I took myself on a date and I was like, I think that I just need to keep like doing that. Just keep dating myself. and enjoying my own company because it's almost like the and like the analogy that I thought of with that is that if you aren't even in a place where you're so happy and comfortable with doing you and dating yourself and enjoying the things that you're doing, like how are you really giving that energy or selling that to someone else? like If you don't even want to sit alone with yourself, if you're not even happy with where like where you're going or what you're doing, like how is someone else expected to? And i feel like
00:18:26
Speaker
Just like the job analogy, when you're like just throwing out your resume at every single job, it's almost like creating this mindset of this lack, a lack mindset. Like, I don't i need it, I need it. Like, I don't have it, I don't have it.
00:18:42
Speaker
And lack doesn't attract, is how I feel. And if it does, it's gonna be probably someone else that's lacking.
00:18:53
Speaker
And that's just like not what I – I have already attracted that when I wasn't in ah good place. I attracted something that was just like, you know, both probably in the slack, like needing like some kind of comfort in
00:19:14
Speaker
in the space we were in. And it didn't really feel good because it wasn't really for the purpose of a genuine connection of like building a life.
00:19:26
Speaker
It was more like to numb and mask a avoid loneliness and give yourself false hope of being wanted.
00:19:43
Speaker
and
00:19:47
Speaker
Yeah, that's just, I'm just not available for that anymore.
00:19:52
Speaker
I think I'm like only available for the right fit. And I think you can find that, you know, if you're in a place, you could find that dating on the dating apps. for But for me, it's like, I'll wrap this up. But I i was asked on a date recently when I was buying Takova's.
00:20:10
Speaker
So see, i mean, you know, guy got my number, ah text me right after, asked to take me out. And I know this sounds silly, but like when he texted me again, he didn't like remember. He said, oh, hope you had fun at the concert. And I wasn't going to a concert.
00:20:27
Speaker
And I was like, OK, so I kind of let that slide. And I just but I was like, man, I'm busy. Like I'm traveling. So I never wrote back. And then he wrote me again with the persistence. And I was like, OK, I'm kind of down for persistence. And like, you know, a man that's like, you know, hey, give me a chance.
00:20:45
Speaker
So i I was like, so I finally wrote back. And then he like forgot where I lived. Like, I feel like Nashville is not that big. Like, I remembered where he lived.
00:20:56
Speaker
And I know that's like a small thing, but I'm like, this is if you want the truth of how I feel and this isn't like, oh, I'm dessert, like da da like a high maintenance thing. its just like, I feel like the person that I'm supposed to be with will like absolutely remember something like that.
00:21:13
Speaker
And so I'm not saying that I can only give time to the person I'm supposed to be with, but like, why am I going out of my way to like meet this dude that doesn't even remember like where I live when it was like two days ago and the cities in Nashville are not that like, you know what I mean?
00:21:29
Speaker
So I was like, oh, and so I ended up, which I'm usually my buddy who gives me crap because I'm a ghoster and I don't mean it in a rude way. I'm just like, um well, I think that's I mean, if someone goes to me, I'm like, I get it. Then it's just I mean, it's one thing goes when you're meeting. But like if you're just texting, like if I don't write you back, there's our answer. If you didn't write me back, I just feel the same. But.
00:21:49
Speaker
I know everyone's different and whatever, but I was like trying to think of him. So I was like, all right, I'll write back. And I just said, Hey, you know, like you're totally like a super cute guy, blah, blah, blah.
00:22:00
Speaker
I feel like, um, you know, like literally kind of cheesy, but like my person would like, no, like you didn't remember that I wasn't going to a concert and then you didn't remember where lived. Like, obviously I clearly wasn't that memorable in this man's mind.
00:22:14
Speaker
um, So like, I just don't feel like that's for me, but you're totally going to find another girl, hopefully at Tecova's like, you know, cheers to that.
00:22:25
Speaker
And I was like, no hard feelings. And then he wrote back and he was just like, OK, but it's not like that. But if you change your mind and so just left it at that. But like I couldn't I'm not even going to go on a date with someone like that.
00:22:38
Speaker
So it's like, and I don't mean it in a rude way. It's just like, I'm just not going to like, I feel like my time just like his is valuable. Maybe he wants to spend it going to have a drinks with someone that he can't remember where she lives.
00:22:51
Speaker
But like, I don't.
00:22:54
Speaker
And so unless it felt that way, I'm just kind of like, I'm open to it finding me, but it's not going to be like, I'm not, I'm not going to, to me, that's like a job, you know, that I, oh, at first I was like, oh, he's cute. man We'll see. Never know. Whatever. I'm open.
00:23:13
Speaker
And then you hear more about the job description and you're like, yeah, that's probably not a fit. And it's not like it's a bad job. It's probably a great fit for someone else.
00:23:24
Speaker
not a fit for me, so I don't even wanna go to the interview. I just don't see why. i mean, maybe if you know, and there was a phase in my life where it felt okay to just like invest energy and time into something that wasn't, you know, forever.
00:23:41
Speaker
i mean, a lot of what I was doing and I've talked about in previous episodes was kind of just like, oh, let me just be vibing with this person because I know it doesn't go anywhere. And then I don't have to worry about it being a thing. And then I don't have to put my emotions and feelings and invest in them.
00:23:56
Speaker
And that, you know, that was how I was coping for a little while. But now that I've like opened my heart more to the idea of actually like building a life with someone, which sounds so crazy for me to say, i just know if like you're not gonna be able to build a house with me. You don't even even remember where I live.
00:24:13
Speaker
You don't even remember like what I was doing. Like, it's okay. I'm not blaming him. Like, maybe, you know, this, like, again, I'm just like, I just don't feel like that's the builder of the lifer person with me.
00:24:26
Speaker
You know, I feel like maybe that's someone that, you know, needs to meet the girl that he remembers everything about her. And it's like not a shaming thing, but I just feel like
00:24:40
Speaker
You would. So maybe that's like a hopeless romantic part of me or whatever. And again, it's not to shame anything. Super cute guy.
00:24:51
Speaker
I just wasn't. I probably just wasn't for him. You know, he's probably in that phase where he wants to do those things. Just someone that's not long term. And so we just didn't mesh. We weren't at that same spot.
00:25:03
Speaker
You know what i mean? And so when i do, I feel like date again, which is going to be crazy to say, but I'm putting it on the record. It'll be so intentional that it will just be
00:25:19
Speaker
the end all.
00:25:23
Speaker
I think that's the only way I see myself moving through the world. It will just be at the end all. And not that I'm like putting so much pressure on it. Like I'm not going to, you know, I, things have to flow and, but I would be, it would definitely be with the end game in sight. Not like, you know, which is crazy again to say, because even at the wedding, like I said, like even the groom,
00:25:46
Speaker
was like, why are like, and which is whatever. I know a lot of my single friends get this question and i don't take it offensively, but I'm coming up like ah in February will be three years since my divorce. And like I said, I have a lot of friends that are already remarried.
00:26:00
Speaker
So it's starting to feel like it's been a bit of time. It's been such a journey. But when he was like, why, are like, why are you still single? You know? And I, you know, it's like, I don't really take it as like a bad thing. I just take it as like where I am in my life, like any other piece, you know, like I'm just, I'm just navigating it as I would anything else and just figuring it out along the way and all the right things happen and all the right people come. And, um my Duluth hat is heavy on my head and it's like not coming off. Like that's it for me. so
00:26:42
Speaker
The next time um you're thinking about dating, like do you. i don't know. i My only words for advice when people ask me to talk more about it is just do what feels right for you. Don't don't feel like you being single is like something's wrong with you or like.
00:27:05
Speaker
There is nothing worse than being in the wrong. It is much worse, I guess, to be in the wrong relationship just because you're in one and you're unhappy than it is to just be enjoying your life and loving yourself. And this doesn't mean stay single forever because that's definitely not what I want for myself.
00:27:24
Speaker
But this just means like being okay. in any situation you're in and not tying your worth, your happiness, all of those things to a partnership.
00:27:37
Speaker
Because like I learned with my mom and dad, like my dad passed away. My mom thought that was going to be her forever person. And so even if it's not just a breakup, it's the life happens and you have to learn to be whole within yourself.
00:27:54
Speaker
Not that I'm saying that grief can't hurt and that you won't feel it and all of those things, but just learning to really truly love yourself and is just the first step in the right people presenting themselves into your life, whether that's your forever person or even the right friends that kind of take you to that next level.
00:28:14
Speaker
So date yourself is definitely the theme of this, um but it's not to be like, I don't need no man because I could laundry list stories where I was like, a man would be real nice right now.
00:28:26
Speaker
But until then, I am just good doing it on my own. And I hope you will be too, even without a woman, whatever that looks like for you.
00:28:38
Speaker
Thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.