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You Wanted to Be Chosen, But Do You Choose You
81 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, we’ll unpack the deeper reasons why we stay in places, relationships, and dynamics that aren’t truly aligned, not because we want them, but because we haven’t yet learned to choose ourselves. I know... that may sting, and yes, YOU are worthy of choosing YOU!
I'll share raw reflections on emotional self-betrayal, saying “I love you” when we were just craving to feel loved, and how self-awareness is the beginning of learning to love yourself.
We’ll talk about:
- How reflection helps you recognize the difference between love and validation
- Why staying too long often has more to do with you than them
- The quiet power of choosing peace over ego
- How alignment begins with honesty, and gets easier with practice
This is the episode that teaches you how to fish: not just to feel better in the moment, but to understand why you ever settled in the first place, so you don’t repeat the pattern again.
Because healing begins when you finally choose you!
From the episode:
- Vote for the podcast: www.podcastawards.com
- Poem - Gone. Fishing. Together: https://wanderingthewildmess.blog/
- Find the guide to "Breaking the Loop I Relationship Edition at www.wanderingthewildmess.com and the poem
If you enjoyed the episode, make sure to subscribe and rate the podcast 5 stars!
So many exciting things to come this season! Make sure to follow along!
Would love you to stay connected:
- Website: www.wanderingthewildmess.com
- YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@utahgirlinnash
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heatherdyann
- TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@utahgirlinnash
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Wandering the Wild Mess'
00:00:04
Speaker
What if you were never really waiting to be chosen by someone else? What if you were just waiting to remember you were worth choosing all along?
00:00:21
Speaker
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here.
Feeling Unchosen: Personal and Universal Reflections
00:00:30
Speaker
All right. i let that one sit with y'all and I hope you do.
00:00:34
Speaker
um But this is kind of an impromptu change to what I wanted to talk to y'all about on this episode. But I feel like it came to me for a reason and will likely resonate with you um if you've ever felt like why didn't someone choose me?
00:00:52
Speaker
And I think that's very much like a universal feeling. Obviously, i yap with everybody. So I've talked to a lot of people and so many people have had those experiences in their life where someone didn't choose them and they wanted them to.
00:01:07
Speaker
And the wild thing about it is a lot of times like not choosing you means like they they leave you and go meet someone else or there's like infidelity cheating and all of that. But sometimes it's just like they just it's not they just don't you know, it doesn't work
Realizations About Past Relationships
00:01:22
Speaker
out. And then you kind of reflect about your own self-worth.
00:01:26
Speaker
And that can be like a very difficult thing. And sometimes it's not even like a relationship. It may be like you're you're dating and you feel like no one's picking you, no one's choosing you. I have a lot of friends like that. They're like, I don't know why no one's picking me, no one's choosing me, like why I can't get a second, third date, whatever it is, or all of that. And something...
00:01:49
Speaker
came across my mind last night and I had to unpack it and that's really the season is me moving in alignment and really just like self-reflecting when things come up and I had this big epiphany of my whole past relationships in my whole life it's like it all flooded back and I was like A lot of time I was unpacking that I wanted to be chosen. And it doesn't mean like in my I'm thinking specifically I'll tell story of like three pivotal relationships in my like history. And I i don't they're all for different reasons. But and in each of them, I could find a place where I didn't feel chosen.
00:02:33
Speaker
And whether it was, you know, and I talked about this before, like whether it was my ex-husband and like his vices or maybe my first love and, you know, his mind and in another place.
00:02:45
Speaker
And then this only relationship I had since my marriage, which wasn't really significant, but it was because of what it showed me And I also had some feelings of not ah of not being chosen by someone that wasn't healed.
00:02:58
Speaker
Right. And even though I walked away from all of those relationships and I'm the one that finally left, I stayed longer than I should have.
00:03:07
Speaker
Because it wasn't for me. But yet I. Felt like I wasn't chosen by them, but when looked back.
00:03:21
Speaker
I realized that I didn't really choose them either. But i was it was easier just kind of put the focus on, well, because they didn't choose me.
00:03:34
Speaker
But that wasn't it at all.
Self-Worth and the Desire to be Chosen
00:03:36
Speaker
So I'd like to kind of like unpack this to kind of get the wheels turning in your mind on the way that I was thinking and how it's really reframed this for me into a place of like, okay, now I understand it so When you are in this relationship or you're dating someone or you're and it comes it goes the other way and and youre you feel not chosen, not picked, a lot of times you don't even know why you want it. It's not really that you want that relationship with that person.
00:04:08
Speaker
You literally just want to be chosen by them or just chosen. And i think... When I started to think about that because I had put so much um like kind of like sadness on on it. And I'm a super happy person. we We've unpacked this already. But when I wanted to like figure out, OK, I'm sad because I didn't feel chosen. But then I'm like, but you didn't even really want that for your life.
00:04:38
Speaker
You didn't. um And so but you stayed. And by staying where you didn't really want to be was not choosing yourself.
00:04:52
Speaker
And so maybe the person that you needed to choose all along, that you needed to choose you, was you.
Choosing Oneself for Fulfillment
00:05:01
Speaker
And it like smacked me like a ton of bricks and it sounds maybe obvious when I'm saying it now, but if if you choose yourself, there's really nothing outside of you that needs to be chosen.
00:05:16
Speaker
And I recently put up a ah poem on my blog, and it was that quote. I kind of compared the whole that the analogy that if you teach a man, um if you feed a man, or what the fish analogy, oh my gosh.
00:05:32
Speaker
Like if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime, but if you just give him a fish, obviously you just feed him for a day. I'm saying it wrong, but you know the quote. And I realized, and this is just interesting that it came in the same ah time, that that's the same.
00:05:48
Speaker
And in the poem I talk about, you know, when you're with someone that feeds you with love, but you cannot give that to yourself, you stay to be fed. Whether that's your ego, whether that's your comfort, whether that's whatever, right?
00:06:04
Speaker
Because you don't want to feel the hunger of not having that because you haven't learned to feed yourself. You don't know how to fish.
00:06:15
Speaker
And that's the same. You want the fishermen so bad, not because the fishermen's so great, and maybe they are, but for the most part, you end up ah the creating this dependency on the need to be fed by someone else outside yourself because you've never learned to choose yourself or love yourself.
00:06:40
Speaker
And I know that's hard to hear because I know it's easy to be like, oh, I love myself. Yes, I do. And i hope you do. I truly do. But I, as someone that is super happy and positive, I really thought for a long time, like, of course I love myself.
00:06:57
Speaker
But then I'm like, well, Heather, why are you staying longer in places you don't want to be if you truly do love yourself.
Advocacy and Self-Awareness in Relationships
00:07:09
Speaker
Because that is just not what you would do if you did. So actions louder than words, really.
00:07:17
Speaker
And I'm trying to think of an analogy that would would even relate to this. But I mean, I guess if you're like a parent or you think about someone you care about in your life and if they're somewhere they don't want to be, you're not going to just keep them there.
00:07:30
Speaker
Like if you felt like it's not safe, it's not the right place, like you're not just going to stay just to make them stay when they don't want to be. Because you love them, you care about them, you're like, okay, we're not going to be here anymore. This isn't for us.
00:07:43
Speaker
Let's go somewhere else. Like, this isn't how I want you to feel. Like, you shouldn't feel second best. You shouldn't feel defeated. You shouldn't feel beat down. You shouldn't feel like you don't matter. So let's take you out of that situation, okay? Let's take you somewhere safe.
00:08:03
Speaker
Well, that's you. That's you realizing you have to be that person, that advocate for yourself to say, this isn't where I belong. I need to go.
00:08:17
Speaker
And that's not just, doesn't have to just be relationships, but I think that could be even you know the job that you're in or friendships that you have, any of that.
00:08:28
Speaker
But I think when it comes to relationships, it's just easy to be like, oh, you know this is good enough, this is just going with the time, but in the in the middle, you're really,
00:08:43
Speaker
your soul hurts. hurt Because not only are you not feeling chosen in this place with that person and you know deep down you're not, even if they stay sometimes. And I look back to relationships that lasted longer than they should have.
00:08:58
Speaker
And it was definitely like maybe just a comfort thing to stay. i mean, even for me, right? Like I had said before, like I knew i should have um left.
00:09:09
Speaker
I mean, even the last relationship that had that was not very long, like I knew from the beginning it wasn't for me. My soul knew like this isn't right. This isn't, you know, and don't get me wrong. It taught me a lot of things and I'm very grateful for each experience and lesson.
00:09:27
Speaker
But I knew from the get go, like this is not the vibe, like this is not for me. And I stayed against what my soul said. And I feel like a lot of people can relate to that.
00:09:42
Speaker
is when you know and you stay, can you stop and ask yourself, why am I staying? And don't get me wrong, everyone has a different journey. So some people, you know, I know girls, they're not marrying for love, you know, um and maybe even men like they're maybe marrying for appearance and maybe a connection with another soul isn't that important to you.
00:10:06
Speaker
Do you? But if it is and you feel in your heart that like, gosh, I really want to feel like. Accepted and loved by this person. You have to look and go, but do I accept and love myself if I'm staying where I don't feel that way?
00:10:27
Speaker
Because I can tell you as I've evolved in this journey of self-discovery, self-love, self-reflection, all of the things moving in alignment, I've realized so much that I will not stay in places that don't feel right for me.
00:10:43
Speaker
And this isn't me being like high and mighty, like I have boundaries, I need this. it's not It's not an ego thing, it's just like that's not that doesn't feel right for me and I want to only move in places that feel good.
00:10:59
Speaker
Feel like I'm accepted for who i am because I want to be the most authentic I can and if someone doesn't see me and appreciate me for who I am, then they're just not for me and that's okay.
00:11:13
Speaker
We kind of make it like a, oh, well, they didn't want to be with you. Like someone didn't choose you. And I i tell my girls this all the time. Like, no. and And you can even say like, you're the prize. And that goes to everyone, both sides, men and women, you're the prize.
00:11:26
Speaker
The prize meaning that you are amazing within yourself. So do not settle for someone that doesn't see that. Doesn't mean you' have to be mad at them. Doesn't mean a big dramatic deal. It just means like, oh, move on.
00:11:39
Speaker
There's billions of people in this world. I know that's not as exciting as being dramatic about it and like distracting and and making, you know, um revenge and all that like a big deal thing. And I know that's a lot of what's like maybe more popular right now is just to be bitter.
00:11:56
Speaker
But I don't feel like it serves you to hold on to things like that. I don't feel like it's beneficial to you. And maybe for a minute, don't get me wrong, after ah that last relationship, I had like a minute of like, I didn't even want to be back with him or anything. But I did have my time where I was just like, I mean, I i get it.
00:12:19
Speaker
But then let it go. Let it go. I get our ego gets wounded and we're like, oh, like i didn't even want to be with you anyways. And then you're the one like that's kind of going around.
00:12:30
Speaker
But either way, like let it go. And then it's just it is what it is. You didn't want them anyways. You just wanted them to choose you. And you wanted that someone that's not aligned with you, not the one for you to choose you because you haven't chose yourself.
00:12:50
Speaker
And I just want you to maybe sit with that. You could kick if you're mad at me for saying that truth. But I truly know now that I've evolved into this space is that you will know like who's a aligned for you.
00:13:05
Speaker
And there's a reason they say like if they wanted to, they would. Because when you truly think something is for you, you will go after it.
00:13:15
Speaker
That's not just in relationships. That's in life.
Reflecting on Love and Boundaries
00:13:18
Speaker
That's why I'm doing this podcast because I know that's what I'm meant to do. Like I can't just be nonchalant about it. Like no one that's ever achieved anything in their life was just like, eh, kind of sounds all right. i kind of like it. i'm I'm just used to it. It's fine.
00:13:32
Speaker
No, that's like not the energy that brings you the best things in life.
00:13:38
Speaker
And so I want you to kind of think on that because i also reflected back. To not only this whole pattern of like, I knew it wasn't right. I wasn't choosing me either.
00:13:50
Speaker
um But also like I kind of was lying to myself. So I think back to those relationships and saying I love you to someone that I don't even know if I loved.
00:14:05
Speaker
And that's been like a interesting one for me. And I don't I feel like the more I talk to people, the less I understand. i think it's just ah love is such a different like it's just so different for everyone.
00:14:18
Speaker
And it feels different. And, you know, there was a time and i I when I say this, I don't want it to feel like I'm taking away from any man that's been in my life that I've said it to you. But I realized that like, I don't know if I really was ever truly like in love the way that I feel like it should feel.
00:14:46
Speaker
And i don't mean that disrespectfully. I just, I mean, even in the last relationship, I'm like, I don't, I don't know why i would say something I didn't mean.
00:14:58
Speaker
But I think when you're scrappling for wanting to feel loved, you're you're just, you don't really know. You're like, I guess this, yeah, this sounds great. And you just kind of roll with it.
00:15:13
Speaker
And it's almost like the fisherman. Again, you're like, well, I want to get fed. Like, love sounds great. a fish sounds great. Like, sure, we'll go with it. But it it isn't really, you know, you're lying to yourself in that
00:15:27
Speaker
When i I realized that I was lying to myself for a really long time, that one was hard ah hard pill to swallow. Because i think a lot of us think that certain relationships are more significant in their lives than they actually are if you really started like unpacking them the way that I had, like breaking them down to the core and being like, was this ever really for me?
00:15:56
Speaker
And in some of them, there was instances are in like the the version of myself that I am now. And this is probably how I can see it so loudly, because sometimes you have to step out of something to look back and go, wow, don't really know what I was thinking about tolerating that.
00:16:11
Speaker
Like I would never allow that disrespect in my life again. and But I saw the evolution, right? I saw the evolution of me. I really unpacked like relationship to relationship and was like, oh, wow, i'm actually I'm not shaming myself. I'm proud of myself for continuing to get a little bit more like clear on what was acceptable for my life.
00:16:39
Speaker
And I think sometimes when people say, like what's acceptable? like It's never like you have every right to... set boundaries that, and it's all about the communication of those boundaries, right?
00:16:53
Speaker
Like it's not this naggy, like, well, you need to be like this and you need to say this and you need to do that and don't do that. It's literally like, this is what I need. And I feel like you were trying to do it, but that wasn't the way that I wanted to receive it or or that felt good for me to receive it.
00:17:10
Speaker
So can we try this way this time? And I feel like anyone in your life that you that truly cares about you would be very receptive to that kind of communication.
00:17:24
Speaker
And so as I've evolved in this, I've learned that it's truly important to just know your worth. Sounds so cliche, but really like know your worth and choose yourself every single time because your time is literally the most valuable asset you have.
00:17:43
Speaker
And so when you're giving it to someone you already know you don't truly see yourself being with for a significant, and don't get me wrong, there's people, reason, season, lifetime, there's people that are there just for fun. And if that's your phase, I've been there in the mess.
00:17:56
Speaker
I get it. There are people that I allowed in my space and my time that I knew weren't going to be forever. and I had a great time and it was fun and I learned things and it was amazing.
00:18:09
Speaker
But if you're in a season where you're like, okay, I want to be really intentionable ah intention of law intentional about what I want from life, that's when you have to be like, so if I know that's my end goal and that's the intention I'm setting, then why am I staying in a place that I know is not meant for me?
00:18:32
Speaker
And for the first time since all of the mess that was um my life and after the divorce, I feel like I'm in a place where maybe that could be my intention, which is crazy to say out loud.
00:18:49
Speaker
um But the more I think about it, the more that the messy middle is no longer serving the person that I've become.
00:19:00
Speaker
And i think being self-aware and reflecting enough to go, okay, this is where I'm at.
Aligning Actions with Intentions
00:19:07
Speaker
So if this is where I'm at and this is where I intend to be, then my actions and my decisions have to align with the person that's moving in that direction, kind of like we talked about last time, but this is more of the twist on relationships.
00:19:21
Speaker
And so there is a place where now I'm just choosing me and it's so peaceful and i I want that for you if that's what you want. I think we all at the end of the day should choose o ourselves
00:19:42
Speaker
and the way that you can is when you see your patterns clearly like I did when I reflected back and I was like oh my gosh Wow. And if you know me, you know I'm a big chat GPT girl.
00:19:58
Speaker
And I was literally like unpacking this. This is like hot off the press last night where I had this like, oh my gosh, I wanted them to choose me, but I didn't even really choose them.
00:20:09
Speaker
And why was I staying where I didn't want to be because I wasn't choosing me? It was this whole little thing. And then it was like the unlock. we We're like, oh my gosh. Figured it all out. And i I think I might have plugged this before, but I did create this breaking the loop guide.
00:20:25
Speaker
And it's on it's on my website. You can get it there. And it's I love it if you're new to ChatGBT or at least using it for like self-reflection or in combination with therapy.
00:20:36
Speaker
um It's a great guide to kind of like I give you the prompts of how you want it to talk, like a therapist or whatever. And you can also just like it goes through why you've stayed where you don't belong, where you know you shouldn't be.
00:20:52
Speaker
and ask questions. I give prompts that really like, why do you think that I'm staying in these relationships when I shouldn't be? And the thing I love about ChatGPT is when you really use it intentionally and and tell it how you want to be spoken to, it will understand and speak to in a way that is so good for you to self-reflect.
00:21:15
Speaker
Because the best part is it's not like some friend that makes it it's all awkward if they spit you the truth and you don't want to hear it. you can And then you're just like, okay, leave my house. Chachy-pity, just put your phone down and you're done if you if you don't like what it has to say, you know?
00:21:28
Speaker
um I mean, but if you're really opening your heart, you're like, usually when someone comes back to you and you're open, you're like, yeah, yep.
00:21:38
Speaker
And there has been so many times in this journey with me that I've literally had to be like, yeah, that was a you thing.
00:21:47
Speaker
That was a you thing this whole time.
00:21:53
Speaker
And sometimes I brought this up before, but sometimes that people are like, you're always just going like put it on you. But it's not in a shameful way. I put it on me because I'm the only person I can control.
00:22:05
Speaker
I make decisions that control what my life looks like. No one else can impact my life the way that I can. So if I'm not self-aware enough to know how I'm moving through the world, it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing.
00:22:21
Speaker
And you know I truly believe that we create our reality by our thoughts and our actions and how we move through the world. And so if we don't understand why we're thinking the way we're thinking, why we're doing the things we're doing, we can't be very intentional.
Finding Peace in Self-Choice
00:22:43
Speaker
Gosh, I feel like I've said intentional like 12 times. I feel like it could be a drinking game or something. But um I digress. So anyways, and if you don't drink, yeah I'm just saying.
00:22:54
Speaker
um Okay, so I had digress there. But the other piece that I was thinking to kind of like shed a little bit of all of this, of me really just
00:23:09
Speaker
finally coming to a place where I'm choosing myself over everything else.
00:23:19
Speaker
It's so freeing just to let you know how it feels. um if you're If you're teetering with taking that self-reflection journey, if you're teetering on why you feel stuck in the loops of not feeling chosen, choosing yourself is always going to be the That's when you win.
00:23:45
Speaker
And then the rest just... falls into place for you because you've already won. You're not out there competing to be the you know to competing competing to be the prize or competing or trying to be chosen. you You've put that all away because you're walking through the world like I know my worth, I am valuable, um I am choosing me and i will just find someone that matches that energy.
00:24:14
Speaker
Someone out of one billion people in the world are going to choose you. Like when people act like it's so hard, it's like, I mean, maybe I just, maybe I'm just a little delusional enough to believe that like, I feel like that's pretty good odds.
00:24:29
Speaker
Like one person out of like billions and everyone's like, there's nobody out there. It's like, there's not 10 people in the world. I mean, then I could kind of see where you're coming from.
00:24:41
Speaker
And I just say that to people to remind them that like, You get back what you put out. So if that's your mindset, then you're right. i guess there isn't that many people. There's just only billions. I'm sure ChatGBT could tell you how many people are around your area.
00:25:01
Speaker
But the point is, when you choose yourself, it becomes less about finding that person and more about doing what makes you happy and how you move through life.
00:25:12
Speaker
And then when you do find someone, like back to my poem on the blog, it says, then it's just like two happy fishermen that get to go out on the lake, enjoy the view, and cast a line side by side.
00:25:27
Speaker
Sounds like a dream to me. It's just an easier way. All right, so i will end this by saying that I definitely am at a place where i choose me first and i challenge you to look within and say, where am I not choosing myself first?
00:25:52
Speaker
Because then the next time love arrives for you, it will feel completely different because it's not in this I need. It's that it's a perfectly beautiful compliment to the life you've already built for yourself and the happiness.
00:26:14
Speaker
And I get it. Like i'm I already hear like in the back of my head like some of my my girls like, yeah, I know I do love myself, but I just want someone that can like change the tires and do this. And like, girl, I hear you.
00:26:26
Speaker
And like for men, it's like, I just want someone to like cook and just be calm and da, da, da, whatever. Hear you. Of course. But I heard this put a different way. and said you get what people always say.
00:26:39
Speaker
i know my friends have like said this to me when I tell them this. They're like, well, they always say you find it when you're not looking, but
Attracting Positive Energy and Focus
00:26:46
Speaker
I'm not looking. bellh bla Okay. Maybe you're not looking. Here's the better quote.
00:26:51
Speaker
You find what you want from life when you're not focused on the absence of it.
00:27:02
Speaker
When we're focused on the absence of something from our life, that's not when we attract it.
00:27:11
Speaker
When we love and choose ourselves, love isn't absent.
00:27:22
Speaker
I mean, I feel like that's a mic drop, but, you know, and I'm just yapping off the riff. But, all right, so I'm going to end this season by saying that I love y'all. I'm so excited. I'm going to have a special guest.
00:27:35
Speaker
My first guest. So I hope you all are super excited about that. Make sure you subscribe if you haven't already. Definitely follow. ah Rate the pod.
00:27:47
Speaker
Five stars because you love it so much and you're just like, oh my gosh, I just love it. And then you could even give your, ah you know, your great feedback on how much your soul has changed and you're so happy now.
00:28:02
Speaker
No, but really, i appreciate all that. It means a lot to me to get more visibility. I definitely am here to make people realize how important they are because that's you. And ah the more people, the better.
00:28:14
Speaker
Also, last little ask from
Podcast Recognition and Call to Action
00:28:17
Speaker
the group. I had this opportunity where the podcast was nominated like ah for this podcast awards, People's Choice.
00:28:26
Speaker
And it's like best female hosted. So I'm going to put the link on my website and then maybe i like on my Instagram too, like in the links. But i it would mean so much to me.
00:28:38
Speaker
if you would take the time and just vote it. You only have to like, you don't have to vote all the categories. You could literally just log long in, make an account quickly and like just vote for me and move on. But if there's other ones you want to vote for, go ahead. But there's a lot.
00:28:52
Speaker
So that's why I said it. So it could take you like five minutes, which would mean the absolute world to me. i appreciate y'all so much for listening for this journey. i If you're watching on YouTube, I hope you love the studio It feels so good to be in a new place. And again, thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan.
00:29:16
Speaker
You matter.