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The Empath Diaries: Feeling Everything, Fixing Nothing
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Episode Description:
If you’ve ever walked into a room and instantly felt off—like you just absorbed someone else’s anxiety without a word spoken—this one’s for you.
In this episode, Krista Jones dives deep into the world of empaths with her co-hosts, Chauntel Shaffer and Tom Morel.. We’re not talking about the Instagram quotes kind of empath—we’re talking about the real experience of carrying other people’s emotions, the neuroscience behind your sensitivity, and how this beautiful gift can become an emotional liability without boundaries.
From mirror neurons to why you cry at commercials and need alone time after parties, this episode is a love letter—and a reality check—for the ones who feel it all. You'll walk away with clarity, validation, and practical tools to protect your peace without shutting down your heart.
Because being an empath doesn’t mean being everyone’s emotional mop. It means learning how to feel without fixing, care without carrying, and love without losing yourself.
What You’ll Learn:
- What actually makes someone an empath (hint: it’s more than just being “sensitive”)
- The science behind why empaths feel more deeply—including brain structure and nervous system function
- The quiet superpowers of the empath: intuition, compassion, creativity—and how to use them without burning out
- How chronic emotional absorption can lead to overwhelm, anxiety, and compassion fatigue
- The difference between empathy and enmeshment (because yes, there’s a big one)
- How to create emotional boundaries and “energy hygiene” habits that actually stick
- Scripts and mindset shifts to help you stop taking on what was never yours
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Episode Focus
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. And I am your host, Krista Jones. And today I am so lucky to be joined by my two co-hosts, Chantel Schaefer and Tom Morrell. And guess what you, yeah, you, we're going to be talking about you being the person that can kind of tell that somebody's having a bad day without them even saying a word.
00:00:28
Speaker
You're the one that cries at commercials and you take on everybody else's mess like it's your own and you're emotionally exhausted by 9 a.m. on a Monday. Welcome to the club. It's not glamorous. There's no t-shirt.
00:00:41
Speaker
Just a lot of crazy feelings. This today is our Empath Diaries, an episode that's dedicated to those of you who feel everything and I mean everything.
00:00:53
Speaker
If you've ever walked into a room and you picked up emotions that you didn't drop there, you This episode is for you. We're gonna talk about the science, the symptoms, the superpowers, and the soul level burnout when it comes to being wired this way. But more than that, we're gonna talk about the boundaries that empaths need to set in order for them to heal. Take a deep breath.
00:01:18
Speaker
This space is a safe space, empath. Let's unpack what you're carrying and figure out what's not even yours to begin with.
Charity Collaboration and Podcast's Mission
00:01:28
Speaker
Welcome Chantel and Tom.
00:01:31
Speaker
I get both of you today. Hold on. So you said there was, do you don't get a t-shirt? There is no t-shirt. I was told there was a t-shirt. Well, there are a lot of great slogans that we could use for this and we could create t-shirts.
00:01:46
Speaker
That's an idea. And we could sell t-shirts. On the merch shop, yeah. And then we could donate all the money to Sparrows Nest, which is the reason this whole thing exists. You're going have to make a shirt that says flop like a fish.
00:01:58
Speaker
s Flop like a fish. That was last week's episode. And Beth Corso, congratulations for getting your very own t-shirt, for hearing us throw in the word flop like a fish. And I think the he's got a cake on the front seat.
00:02:10
Speaker
He should also be a T-shirt. I think so, too. You know what? This could be how we raise money for Sparrow's Nest, which is a charity dedicated to cooking delicious homemade meals.
00:02:22
Speaker
for families right here in the Hudson Valley, New York, that are facing a cancer diagnosis. And out of this charity and Krista Jones, me, your host, being exhausted, I'm like, let's do Exhausted Sparrows Unite. And let's just get down to the real nitty gritty.
00:02:37
Speaker
And let's get authentic. Like, just rip off that mask of having it all together. And let's all just talk about our messy selves. I'm
Understanding Empaths
00:02:45
Speaker
ridiculously empathic and all I got was this t-shirt. That's, I think that's the shirt. Okay. Yeah, there you go. All right. Would any of you buy that shirt? And if you would, we can go into print tomorrow. We can have these things here by Monday. Absolutely. Yeah, we could. Yeah.
00:02:56
Speaker
I think everybody should go through the episodes and pick out their favorite lines from the episodes. Oh. And comment on the episodes. i was going to say, I listened to the Dan Patrick show. It's a radio show. Yes, it is. And every so often they do, they're like, yep, that's the t-shirt. That's the t-shirt from the show.
00:03:11
Speaker
but So, all right. T-shirts. That's what you're telling me. We're we're making T-shirts. love them I love Chantel's idea. Go through our episodes. If there's a line that you love, that's that's the t-shirt how about your, you know, prune your bushes. That's my favorite. Like whatever it is, like put that down and we are going to make T-shirts. We're talking about foliage, right? Okay. We are. We are.
00:03:31
Speaker
All right. I just want to make sure. Every time I say it, I do cringe slightly. I do cringe slightly. All right. All right. So we in this room are all empaths. So I think, first of all, we've got to define what it is because there are people out there that don't know what it is. And honestly, I think I was one of those people even like five years ago.
00:03:48
Speaker
I didn't know what it was. Mm-hmm. But I think I was listening to a podcast as well, or it might've been, it might've been an Instagram um influencer that I love. And like, they start like saying all this stuff and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's me And so an empath, for those of you that are like, well, what exactly is it? Because I don't know if that's me, is somebody that feels and absorbs the emotions, the energy, and even physical symptoms of others often with now without even intending to. And they just understand how someone feels. But not only do they understand it, sometimes they bring it to a level that's so deep
00:04:29
Speaker
it really mentally for them is is disturbing, right? The word is responsibility, right? That's what I always think of it as is um you you almost take on the responsibility of other people's feelings, which is like unintentionally, like you don't intend to, like you said, you walk into a room and you leave there picking up feelings from people that you don't even feel like you've somehow you feel responsible because Sally's having a bad day or Yes. Or Rick is, is down on his luck and you somehow, when you say, I'm sorry, that's happening. You really do feel sorry because you feel somehow there's something that you may have contributed to that or, or your first thought is, well, what did I do to
Empathy as a Gift and a Challenge
00:05:11
Speaker
contribute to that? Or how can I fix it? Or how can I fix it Yes. So it's like this this hyper like emotion, right? It's like this hyper thing going on in your brain if you're an empath. like You don't just say, I'm so sorry you're bad day. You know, i hope it gets better.
00:05:25
Speaker
But you really dive in 100%, which I used to think, I'm an empath. Like, I don't know. I kind of bragged about it. and And then I realized, like...
00:05:37
Speaker
There are positive features to that because, you know, you are a very loving person and you truly care about everybody else. But there is also a lot of negative that comes with that. And I, I think, you know, we're just going to really discuss it all today. So welcome empaths.
00:05:52
Speaker
And if you're not an empath, I think this is still a great episode for you because you may be able to identify somebody that is, and then you can relate to them better because you may not understand how they are all in and they're crying at the Advil commercial. Yeah.
00:06:07
Speaker
which I did last night. I'm like, and her headache, oh gosh, I hope she don't, does she need a CAT scan? like like so Do your kids laugh at you when you cry? um they they They're numb to it at this point. They're a little numb. daughter gets like annoyed with me. We went and saw Lilo and Stitch yesterday and I cried like, i don't know, 15 times and she's like, mom, stop. I'm like, I can't.
00:06:32
Speaker
But I feel there's a lot of great like lessons to be learned in Lilo and Stitch. fantastic movie yeah she just doesn't know yet i've seen the movie up once oh can't do it sorry that's amazing i know that there's movies i can't i can't watch can't do it can't watch et you're oh no i've seen it twice in my life once when i was a kid and once to show the kids and i was like sweet
00:07:00
Speaker
Two weeks later, Tom is still peeled on the floor. You're trying to peel him off the floor, but it is backed by
The Science Behind Empathy
00:07:06
Speaker
science. So reach research says that, oh, here we go. Empaths have this hyper reactive mirror neuron system.
00:07:14
Speaker
It means their brain cells, which are responsible for compassion and emotional responses are more than 80% higher than higher than the normal person.
00:07:25
Speaker
So you can see as empaths, empaths are in overdrive the minute that they walk into that room, right? Their, their, their nerve system is just overactive the minute they're in a room. And it's not like a sponge. You're more like a mirror. Like it says there, it reflects it. You ah you not just absorb it, but you also reflect it yourself. So when someone feels bad,
00:07:46
Speaker
you feel bad. When someone feels happy, you feel happy. When someone feels overjoyed, you feel overjoyed. it's It's not just an absorption of it like, hey, I can i can acknowledge it and see it.
00:07:58
Speaker
It's also, I feel that way too now for some reason. And it's i I can't explain it either. know weird It's a weird feeling though. But it is, to your point, it is very exhausting now. It is. And I think because you have this, like, um, you're super sensitive, you're very intuitive, right?
00:08:14
Speaker
Like I absolutely read the energy when I walk into a room and I will either be really uncomfortable or, you know, I will be really excited and it can just be one or two people in that room where their energy is off and it changes everything for me. It changes my whole personality. It's, it's weird. It's that like ah i get I start to get butterflies in my stomach when ah or like a knot in my stomach when I feel.
00:08:38
Speaker
it's Again, it's not it's not anything in particular. It's not one thing that I can point to. But like you walk into space and you're just like, you know, this this doesn't feel. I'm feeling weird here. And people that are not empaths, and they say only 20% of people are, 15 to 20%, but people that aren't empaths also don't get it.
00:08:56
Speaker
And then they, you know, and you know something's off, but they feel it's you. And you're like, oh my gosh, that was so weird. Wasn't that awkward? Wasn't that? and And a lot of people will be like, no So then you're not validated for that.
00:09:08
Speaker
And for me, that like throws me in this spiral and this depression. And I'm like, oh my gosh, nobody else senses it. And something, I feel something's really off, but maybe there's something wrong with me.
00:09:19
Speaker
um There's a lot to it. It's a spiral. Yeah. because then It is. It also builds into like a lack of confidence then. Because now right wonder you wonder if, like you said, if that is this what is this what you're feeling? Is this what's happening is it so is this what they're thinking?
00:09:35
Speaker
And I think we talked about this with some of the other episodes too, is like now you start overthinking and... Right. Stinking thinking in that we have said before, which, you know, we all need to get out of. But I think first let's give empaths some credit. Like I think we should talk about all the amazing...
00:09:54
Speaker
traits that go behind being an empath, right? You have this emotional um intuition. So you you do know when something's wrong, even before words are spoken.
00:10:06
Speaker
And that is a beautiful gift to have because there are many of us, myself included, that even though I am empath, I also will tell you that nothing's wrong with me.
00:10:18
Speaker
So it is really a gift When you know that I'm sad or I'm upset and you're an empath and you're like, no, something's wrong. And I could keep saying, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Cause I do have that t-shirt. i Empath to empath. It's almost like putting two magnets against each other. They're like, no, no, I'm good. And you're like, no, I'm good. No, no, really. I'm good.
00:10:37
Speaker
No, no, I'm good. But it is great. Nobody's good. And nobody's good. Yes, exactly. And to be an empath and to really go into that and go, I absolutely know that something's off. That is a great gift to have because then like we can see that you see through us. And a lot of times that does, you know, I think it makes empaths more vulnerable when somebody can really see that they're not telling the truth. They can read their energy. So like that is beautiful. That is a superpower. Right.
00:11:03
Speaker
I like it too. In some ways it is for me, it is a gift because you can think about what the other side, you can see things from the other side. Like, Hey, if I say this, this is what they're going to do. And it's like the overthinking part, uh, kind of is, ah is almost like a blessing in that sense. Because now I, now when I say something or I, when I write a message to somebody or I text somebody or I email somebody,
00:11:28
Speaker
I'm always thinking about, well, if I was reading this, uh, are they going to, they're going to feel this way. And I can, I'm, I'm so hypervigilant about how other people will feel about the things that I'm doing. Um, that I feel like I back off on things a little bit.
Empaths in Relationships
00:11:45
Speaker
I'm, and I, uh, the only downside to that of course is that I, now I get labeled as the nice guy who never is,
00:11:51
Speaker
um assertive You know, I'm not as assertive because I'm, I'm, ah I'm afraid to hurt somebody else's feelings because it would hurt me if they did that to me. Sure. A hundred percent. That's that mirror thing. Like, yes how would I take it?
00:12:05
Speaker
So I think that that is also a gift. You're a good communicator. You're able to communicate. However, I notice, because you said something, so that was interesting. You said, you know, and like you know if I'm emailing somebody, like to me, that's always dangerous, right? Anytime I email, anytime I put anything in text, because there's no affliction behind it. So I'm worried no matter what I say. yeah I'll go to AI and say, how can I say this nicely? And AI will give me four ways, and I'm like, I don't know. And then I'll try to put a smiley face, yeah like a little...
00:12:36
Speaker
Or the LOLs, which is always a great way to write a professional email to somebody. Right, like with an LOL. LOL. I'm joking. Yeah. I expected this yesterday. LOL. Yeah, no, I'm not mad at all. i hope if you had a good day off. I didn't take off. Yeah. So like there's all that stuff.
00:12:55
Speaker
It takes you five times longer to write an email or send a text message or think about what it is you want to say or when you call people. It's that's why I prefer texting because I can edit and take out and I can I can think about it versus if I have to call someone back.
00:13:09
Speaker
Oh. the but On the fly. I'm like, I i yeah don't want to offend you right now, so I don't know what to say. Right. Always go to AI. Hey, AI, can you call Krista?
00:13:22
Speaker
And don't make me sound offended. And, you know, another great superpower is you are a human lie detector, right? Because you feel when something is off, right?
00:13:36
Speaker
And a lot of time you don't need the receipts to prove it. See, can I tell you, I'm the, ah I'm the complete opposite. No, as an empath, are you gullible? I am so gullible. I believe everybody and I think everybody has such a good heart and everybody has good intentions.
00:13:51
Speaker
I'm the complete opposite of that. That's i really interesting. I have a really hard time determining. that's an I'm an empath, but I'm also a skeptic. See, I'm, well, I'm, I'm, I'm somewhat of a skeptic, but when people like, this just happened the other day and we had a guy come to the door and he's like, Hey, I'm from this and this pest control. And we had a whole conversation and he's like, he's asking me questions about like, have you paid off your mortgage yet? How many people live in your, and I'm just like, ah there's ah and the um yeah,
00:14:19
Speaker
Or Chantel and I would be like red flag. I answer the door with a knife in my hand. And afterwards I'm like, I'm like, wait a minute. Did I just tell this guy all this, personal security number your driver's license just shy of that yes but like i i i have this i don't know this innate belief that like people are good inside because i am so like when i do things you know when i'm friendly with someone else or when i'm when i do this just or make a joke with someone else i'm always like well i if they did that to me i would think that was be fine i know nobody's nobody else has nobody has good intentions out there and it's just So you, Tom, have a lot going on. yeah
00:15:04
Speaker
You are not only an empath, but you are also a little bit gullible. You believe everybody. Really nice guy. Look, it says gullible on the back of my shirt. That's the shirt. If you see Tom Morrell out today, make sure that you give him big hug.
00:15:19
Speaker
and don't tell me anything that's remotely not believable, because I'll believe it. Anyway. All right. So those are strengths, right? You have the uncanny ability other than Tom to spot dishonesty or discomfort. Tom's the outlier here. And you're a deep listener. i feel like, you know, I'll get on the phone with potential recipients here. Like I have to like set a clock and get off because I will get so involved in what's going on. Like I bring it home with me.
00:15:48
Speaker
You're just a deep listener. Like somebody will say something to me. I thought it might be the reporter in me. Like, cause you know, i used to be in that field and the radio business with Tom, you know, but I need to then know more, you know, you'll tell me part of your story and I'm asking you seven other questions and I'm asking you these questions because I'm going deeper. Cause now I'm going to try to fix whatever's going on with you, Sally.
00:16:09
Speaker
Well, cause and also in your head, you're placing yourself in that scenario. Right. Like i I need this information. If I'm going to fix this, I didn't ask you to fix this. Yeah. But if I'm going to fix this, I need to know all of the details. What day of the week was it? What time of the day was it? Who else was there?
00:16:25
Speaker
What were eating for breakfast? You know, that kind of stuff. Right. That normal people wouldn't think, I shouldn't say normal people. I don't mean that, but. The other 80%. That other people don't, don't even think about in a story. They just go, oh, okay. Well, then she just had a bad day.
00:16:37
Speaker
Well, no, did this happen? Did that happen? You know, that's I i can see that. Right. And it gets very frustrating for non empath. Like my husband, I love him. He is a very nice person, but he's not an empath. And like people talk to him and he's like, just stop.
00:16:51
Speaker
He did that to me the other night. The other night. I was like, can you be nice? Like. The other night he like started watching the the basketball game. I was talking to him at Sloop and he's like, I'm like, right, he's done. He's foolish yes he's done with the And that's the thing, but that's the good thing, right?
The Cost of Empathy
00:17:07
Speaker
You know, as an empath, you don't need a vibe check. You you are the vibe check.
00:17:11
Speaker
Like you walk in the room, you you read that room. So that's great. But- But there's a lot of downsides to being an empath. And I think the three of us feel that. It is the cost of carrying it all because you believe that that is your responsibility. And we've talked, as Tom said, and Chantel and I have done in many episodes about, you know, what are you really responsible for?
00:17:38
Speaker
Over and over again, living your most authentic self means that you've got to take care of yourself. But the empath has this chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, burnout.
00:17:51
Speaker
It is all parts of being an unprotected empath. So empaths that know how to protect themselves are okay, but that's two, 3% of all empaths. So there are a lot of empaths walking around that are just emotionally drained all the time because they don't know how to protect this amazing gift that Yeah. And it is, you have to think of it as a gift because if you think of it as a curse, then that and then everything you do with it is bad.
00:18:18
Speaker
It's using, it's like, um it's like Spider-Man, right? Gets bitten by the spider and you go, okay, you can crawl up in walls and he's got, he's got these super strength and all this stuff. And ah some of that can be a bad thing. You know, if you don't know how to use it, it's knowing how to use your empathy ah for, for good instead of for, for evil, if that makes sense.
00:18:39
Speaker
It makes sense. Yeah. i thought you Not the actual evil, but you know, like having it hurt you instead of using it in a positive way. Right. Having you absorb more than you really need to be absorbing. 68% of empaths in 2020 survey found that they have difficulty distinguishing their emotions from others. Yeah.
00:19:02
Speaker
Right. That's really the challenge. Yeah. It really Cause you take it on everything. Right. And so teach us the ways show, show us, show us the way i I'm going to teach you the ways when when we're done talking about the dark side of the dark side. There's plenty of it. Right. well Like absorbing people's moods. Right. It's like absorbing secondhand smoke.
00:19:22
Speaker
Right. Right. So you get digestive issues. Like we, we can dive so deep into this because like you, you said earlier, your stomach gets in knots and I'm like, you're right.
00:19:34
Speaker
It affects, you know, your digestive issues. Like it affects so much more than just you taking on the strength of, of, of somebody's issues. And can I tell you, mood swings are like, i mine go like a pendulum. It goes left to right and back and forth and up and down. And it happens very quickly because, you know, I'll i'll be having a great day.
00:19:54
Speaker
had a great day at work. Everything was productive. I'll come home and something happens. You know, one of the kids has done something or whatever. ever to And boom, in a second, I'm i'm off.
00:20:05
Speaker
And... And i'm and i'm off of I'm off of being good. right i'd Like it well well having it you know having a good feeling. That whole feeling before is is just gone. i don't can't explain it. But on the other side, if I'm having a horrible bad day and I come home and my son is like, hey, look at this picture I drew. And it's a you know it's got this, you know, it's me and dad playing catch, you know, and I'm like, that's beautiful.
00:20:28
Speaker
You know, then it's like everything's great again. Right. And it's, it's, it's, If you're not an empath, you don't understand, but it's like going from extreme sadness to extreme happiness and back and forth is like, that's, it takes a lot of mental energy, which is a lot out of you. Right. Which is a manic person. Like it's, it's, it's like a manic disorder. And here's something that I wanted to say specifically to you because Tom and I joke about having, you know, um, ADHD.
00:21:00
Speaker
I've never been diagnosed, but you know, there's something going on there. It's like there absolutely is. um Emotional dysregulation mimics symptoms of ADHD.
00:21:10
Speaker
yeah So do we really have that? Or being an empath, i do we have it all? Yeah, you jump from one emotion to another. It could be that you're just an empath and you take all of this and think you have ADHD, but one doesn't really know. And I feel like maybe we can get a therapist in here to clinically diagnose us.
00:21:30
Speaker
That's our next episode i idea. Write that down. and I am taking notes.
Codependency and Boundary Setting
00:21:34
Speaker
Okay, gotcha. Chantel's always taking notes. So, all right. So empaths struggle a lot with codependency, right? And fawning. So fawning is people pleasing.
00:21:44
Speaker
That's our trauma response. As you were saying, you got to make everybody in the room happy. Everybody needs to like you. So, so that's the problem. Like it's this danger zone for us. So now what?
00:21:57
Speaker
That's a great question. Now what? Because I struggle with this. This is not, I have to talk to myself a lot of times. and You know, if something happens at work, someone, ah you know, is nasty with me at work. And and work the environment I work in is very, there's high pressure with the people that I work with, you know, because it's ah it's a sales environment. And, you know, especially towards the end of the month, people are trying to make their numbers and whatnot. So,
00:22:20
Speaker
A lot of people are short with me when I need something. And, um, you know, when they're short with me, I have to literally, when I hang up the phone and go, what is his problem? And now I'm all nasty, right? I'm all talking like this.
00:22:31
Speaker
Right. And then I have to go. the end of the month. Gary's having a bad day. It's not my fault. I needed something. yeah all ah All I did was call. And I literally have to talk myself off a ledge.
00:22:42
Speaker
All I did was call Gary. I had ah I had a legit request. Sorry, Gary. Yeah. Poor Gary. No, Gary's a great guy, but sometimes he just, he gets really quick, like your husband, he gets really quick to like, Hey, just give me the, give me the point I need and let me get out here. Cause I got something else to get onto. That's very important.
00:22:59
Speaker
And I get that, but I literally have to have that, that three minute conversation with myself to talk myself off the ledge of, Why was Gary mean to me? He wasn't mean to me. He wasn't mean to me, Tom.
00:23:11
Speaker
He just. And then they don't understand. Yeah. yeah They're like, I have these conversations. I'm like, why? What's wrong? Why are you being so like, why are you mad me? He's like, I'm not mad at you. He's like, I just said we're going to the park. And I'm like, it was the way you said was the you said it.
00:23:27
Speaker
And I read so deep into that. And he's like, there was nothing behind that except we're going to the park. But then you're kind of like, how could there be nothing behind that? And he can't hear it. And I yeah i mean, we've been married for almost 13 years and we're still having this conversation. and It's not going to go away. But then its the kids start and the kids will talk. And he's like, do you hear how you're talking? I'm like, oh, pot, meat, kettle.
00:23:51
Speaker
Yeah. It's true. The word he's finally starting to say it's true. Can I say the worst though is when the question comes, why are you so sensitive?
00:24:03
Speaker
ah Why am I so sensitive? God has blessed me with this sensitivity. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Tom, I already feel you're on the way to a really healthy, empathic relationship.
00:24:15
Speaker
Like you're doing all the right things. You don't even need me to tell me what you need But I sound like a psychopath in my office when I'm like, i'm talk i can imagine what my coworker, because yeah I'm empath e empathic. You're an empath head. Empath head, yes.
00:24:28
Speaker
Empath head. and I'm empathic. i my I can imagine what my coworker sees from behind me. Like, I'm like, just talk myself. But also, too, they could, you know, I'm sure your body language, your shoulders slump. Like, that's sad to see. See, I'm using my empath right now. Like, I'm just thinking of you being sad. I'm just realizing. We're on a podcast. You can't see like a emotion, emotion. yeah he whispering on myself I'm like, no, Gary, Gary had a question and and it it's fine. I just, it's okay. Gary's not mad at me. I just, have I'm a good. You're good. time You didn't do anything wrong.
00:25:01
Speaker
This is why we need to video our podcast. Most people do. We're going to start doing that. But I really have to do that. Probably I'll say probably 10 or 20 times a day. Easy. You're so exhausted.
00:25:14
Speaker
But that's good that you do it. That's good that you do it. All right. Let's talk about we can do because now we're all sad. Let's get this train back on track. We're all sad. And I don't mean to dump all that on you guys, by the way. No, not at all. Now I'm going to wear that all day. She's like, God, I'm so depressed. It's so sad.
00:25:33
Speaker
Now I'm depressed. Can imagine when he says it his office? Here's the thing. We say this in every single episode. I really feel, and honestly, like... this is it boundaries. This is really it.
00:25:48
Speaker
We don't create enough boundaries for ourself. So here's the thing. We confuse, I think boundaries as rejection, right? Yeah. Does that make sense? Like does we have the urge to help.
00:26:01
Speaker
And that often overrides the need for us to like, I don't know, self preserve ourself because we've got this, this uncanny, like i have to do it now. We need to help people. And like, yeah,
00:26:13
Speaker
it's this weird need that overtakes us. And then we're really just jumping into things that aren't our responsibility. Yeah. Boundaries tend to be like ah restrictions or places you can't go or, or walls you have to put up. And as empaths, we don't, we don't want that. There's, there's a, there's a need for open, like you said, open feelings like that.
00:26:35
Speaker
But we feel responsible for things. And listen to this, that are not ours. They're not our responsibility. Like if I can say nothing else in this podcast that you listen to, it it is not your responsibility for the emotions
Managing Emotional Energy
00:26:52
Speaker
of others. It is not your responsibility how somebody reacts to something you say, right? We all are responsible in our reactions.
00:27:00
Speaker
So how Gary reacts to the way that you say something and how you react to Gary, that's your responsibility. yes that is And that's what you did. yeah You talked it through and you go, listen, Gary's having a bad day.
00:27:15
Speaker
It's the end of the month, Gary. i hope his name's not really Gary. Poor Gary. Is his name Gary? It might be Gary. read did For the sake of this, let's say it's not Gary. For a podcast, we change all names of people and places. It's not Gary.
00:27:30
Speaker
We're not going to say where Gary works either. Gary, I love you. You're great. You're awesome, Gary. But right? That's what you did. So that was good, Tom. Your reaction, that's what you're responsible for. So you took that and you said, I'm not going to spiral. i He said it this way. He didn't mean anything. It's the end of the month. that That's what you're responsible for. And I'm not, this is not a joke. I literally have to have a three minute conversation with myself privately about, I'm not responsible for for the way that Gary responded because that's, he he responded to this.
00:28:02
Speaker
um I'm responsible for how I feel. And if I, I can't let that bother me because I got other stuff I got to do. I have other things I have to be responsible for and I can't let that bother me. Mm-hmm. That guy is going to be, you know, and he's it's probably, it's probably nothing behind it. He's just answering the question and then moving on. It's, it's nothing, Tom, you're overthinking it.
00:28:20
Speaker
And I have to have that conversation with myself. It's not something that just like, oh yeah, just brush it aside. No, it's, it's, it's not easy in having that conversation over and over. I'll have that conversation 10 minutes after that as well and go,
00:28:32
Speaker
Tom, you remember, we just talked about this 10 minutes ago. Gary's not mad at you. He just, he just had a, you know, he just needed the answer and go, that's it. So it's, ah it's not as easy as it just sounds like, oh yeah, you just, like you're saying, just reframe it or however, you know, whatever it's,
00:28:50
Speaker
It is challenging. and So if you're dealing with this out there, listener, it's not something that like, hey, just flip a switch. So don't be ah don't be don't be discouraged if it's not something that you're able to do right away.
00:29:01
Speaker
it's It's a skill that even even I have to work on, you know, over and over and over and over and over again. it's I feel like a beginner at this all the time. Right. Well, you may have to do it throughout the day, right? Because it keeps creeping back in because you're empath.
00:29:17
Speaker
And I'm like, oh, I thought I'd let that go. I didn't let that go. no And, you know, sometimes it helps to talk to other people about that, you know, and sometimes it doesn't because sometimes you don't get the validation that you need because somebody that's not an empath is like...
00:29:30
Speaker
Oh, Beth's body language like that. I don't think she was mad at all. Like I'll say that to Chantel after a meeting. Did you notice, you know, I think somebody might've, and they said this and that. And like, sometimes people have to go, oh no, you know, she was, you know, trying to get out of here. Cause there, there was a, somebody was on hold for her or whatever it is, but you know, empaths are very sensitive.
00:29:51
Speaker
So the littlest things being cut off, you know, being given, um we're going to the park, all of that, like you're spiraling out of control. Mm-hmm.
00:30:01
Speaker
Boundaries. Yes. Boundaries. Is this mine? Like that's what, that's what you got to ask yourself. Is this mine? Is this my responsibility? Is this my minutia? Is this my stuff? Right.
00:30:13
Speaker
Um, you have to be able to say, No. And you have to not feel guilty about that. And I think that's what it is over and over again. No, you know, Gary, it's the end of the month. No, no. And you just got to keep saying to that to yourself. And like you said, Tom, it may come up 10 times a day, but at least you may be able to cut it off before you spiral.
00:30:35
Speaker
So no, i I already, I already thought about this. No, I'm not going to think about this again. no. You know, and be able to like stop that negativeness because then, you know, it just filters through. yeah And it builds off of what the previous one was. That boundary is knowing that it's not yours to deal with and that you're giving yourself permission to not deal with it.
00:30:56
Speaker
This isn't mine. Why am I? I have no reason. There's no logical reason for me to take this on. i have my own stuff going on. I have permission to say no to to feeling a way about this, you know, this previous occurrence or this this other thing that someone else is feeling. Someone else is having a bad day.
00:31:15
Speaker
I can't let that ruin mine. Yeah. And a boundary is not, it's not a betrayal. Right? No, it's a shield. It's
Embracing Empathy with Balance
00:31:22
Speaker
a protection. It's a protection. And that does not make you, you know, selfish, I feel. Because there's a time for it, right?
00:31:29
Speaker
that When your spouse is feeling that way, right? Then being ipath empathic is is not a bad thing, right? Right. But when it's your coworker or your neighbor or the guy at the grocery store who's rude to you, like, you don't have to... but Oddly specific, right?
00:31:44
Speaker
Yeah. That didn't happen yesterday. Not Gary. Gary also has a second job. yeah um But giving yourself permission to not feel that way about it in in that it's okay not to feel that, you know, not to feel empathic about certain things. Because empathy without boundaries is it's like I don't know, emotional bankruptcy, right? Like you're you're going to bankrupt yourself. if If everybody gets all of you, then there's nothing left for what's really important. Like you said, your spouse, you know, your children.
00:32:15
Speaker
um Or yourself. Yeah. I was just thinking the same thing right there. If you give your empathy to everyone else, you have none for yourself and then you end up in this, you know, depressive cycle and that's that's not good either.
00:32:27
Speaker
And I think we sometimes feel that we're too much. I don't know if you feel that way. but I feel that I'm too much. Like when I'm in a room, I'm always worried that I'm too much. And Tom's like, you are.
00:32:39
Speaker
i i know people who are too much. Um, and i I get where they're coming from too. Like it's, it's, uh, but that energy,
00:32:50
Speaker
it It is infectious, but I, there is, I know though that that person who is too much, not that I'm not saying that you are too much. I know a guy who is where every time they walk into a room and they go to a party, they have, they're the one holding court. You know what i mean? They're the one at the table where everyone's, he's telling stories and slapping tables and stuff like that. and he's having a great time.
00:33:10
Speaker
There's something else that he's compensating for in that, in that instance. I don't need to be holding court, but I'm the one that's in the room while he's holding court. Saying, oh my gosh, well, this person feels completely left out. I know. Why did he say that? And now you've upset this person. And now I'm trying to find that person. And, you know, and I feel like people are like, leave me alone, Crystal. Like I'm a lot. Yeah.
00:33:34
Speaker
I feel that way sometimes too, that I'm a lot. What about you, Chantel? Chantel doesn't like being in that room at all. No, I want to be in that room at all. i'm an I'm an introvert. So like I'm the person in the corner that Chris is worried is alone. 100%. And I'm happy being in the corner alone. Yeah, see, I'm too much for you sometimes.
00:33:52
Speaker
No, you're not. much for me Because I'm going over Because you like try to draw me in But like I'm a people watcher I'll sit and I just observe Some people are are more comfortable that way and that's fine too Yeah I'm a wallflower Yeah versus some people like Kristen and me We're too much when we go to parties You know We're too much. and And that's okay. We're embracing our true authentic self. I'm just sharing stories. Absolutely. yeah So being an empath, yes, it is a beautiful gift if you can put boundaries on it.
00:34:23
Speaker
And if you are not an empath, then hopefully hearing this makes you, you know, a little softer towards people that are empaths because it's really not just this great gift that you're just so loving and communicative and you're able to feel deeply everybody's feelings. It's not really just a gift.
00:34:45
Speaker
It is an exhausting trait at times. Because it's not just the positive feelings. A lot of people think empaths are like, Oh yeah, they're all the time and they and they they've real they feel good about things. No, no, no. It's it's all the the bad stuff, the negative stuff too, that we also take on. And it's that's what makes it difficult. And like guess I said, it's exhausting because that process of, um is this mine?
00:35:13
Speaker
Is this theirs? What did I contribute to it? what did All that overthinking, that's the the part that also plays ah ah role in it too, that can be, that's the exhausting part. Part of our stinking thinking, which was, I don't know, a couple podcasts ago, I feel. it was a while ago Episodes ago.
00:35:28
Speaker
But, you know, it it all comes full circle, right? You don't have to fix it all. You don't have to carry it all. You sure as heck you don't have to apologize for feeling deeply in a world where... I don't know. Some people are just numb.
00:35:42
Speaker
So if you're an empath, I absolutely think you should embrace it, right? It's not a curse. It is a calling, but it's one that has to include you. So here's your reminder. You're allowed to feel and still have boundaries. You're allowed to care and still say no. And most importantly, you're allowed to put the bag down, especially when it was never yours to carry.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:36:07
Speaker
I could cry over that. I'm Krista Jones along with my co-host today, Chantelle Schaefer and Tom Morrell. This is Exhausted Sparrows Unite. And if you love what we do, i mean, check out the website for the charity. It's sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:36:22
Speaker
And there's going to be video one day and YouTube channels one day. That is all coming soon. You can also leave us comments in the for the episodes and tell us what slogan you want on the back of this shirt.
00:36:35
Speaker
Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care of yourself and each other.