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20. My Sobriety Journey: The Why Behind My Alcohol-Free Lifestyle
359 Plays2 years ago
Hi friend! Join me as I get to share my sobriety story on Kristin Fuller's podcast "Last Call with Kristin", she graciously allowed me to upload this to my podcast to share with you all.
As a Generator it was nice to be asked questions and have things to respond to as I also attempt to take you on a linear timeline path from childhood to teen years to young adulthood and the challenges my soul faced with alcohol abuse.
I share the root causes, lessons learned, the shame and guilt patterns I got looped in when I didn't prioritize my healing.
If you struggled in the past, are currently struggling, or just simply questioning your relationship to alcohol, my wish is that you get a feel for how incredible life can be without alcohol.
This path truly has opened me up to my highest self!
You can listen to Kristin's podcast here:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0aMaWojWFH2TpAwa8BgvM1?si=KJITHuZZTXG8S_WSQuot0g
Connect with Kristin: www.instagram.com/coachkristinf
Connect with me: www.instagram.com/iamellisamae
Book a Human Design or Gene Keys Reading with me: https://calendly.com/byellisamccoy
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Transcript
Introduction to Addiction and Recovery Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining me on the last call with Kristin. I'm Kristin Fuller, and I created this as a safe place to talk about all things addiction, healing, recovery. Additionally, anything stigmatized. I want this to be a platform that we can discuss all of the things, not just the socially appropriate things, all the things. So when my guest today,
00:00:30
Speaker
said that she would like to be on the show and said yes to my invitation. I was beyond thrilled because we've been coaches together in the recovery space. And now we've both added on to our repertoire and our coaching practices. So Alyssa, I'm so happy to have you with me today. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. Awesome.
Meeting and Mutual Respect
00:00:58
Speaker
Well, we met in a sober girls guide. We were both coaches and we led women's groups and we loved it. We totally loved it. And in addition to that, we kept in touch. And as we were building up our own practices, we would go
00:01:19
Speaker
back and forth on each other's content and be like, Oh, I really dig what she's saying, or I really vibe with how she feels. So I think we're going to have a lot of cool stuff to talk about today. So thank you. Yes. I'm so excited. Me too. So I want to ask you before we met, we both had a journey and a journey that we're still on.
00:01:45
Speaker
I want to take you back to the beginning of your healing and recovery journey and ask you what brought you to that place of, okay, I've got to do something different and then up to when we met.
00:02:01
Speaker
Yes, I love that. Oh my gosh, it's like, where do I start? And I also just want to say that, so for something I'm really excited about is that, you know, that we're both into is human design. And so I just kind of want to say that I'm going to tell my story kind of also from your perspective of like what I believe now from going through my spiritual journey and really getting to know myself at the soul level. I really view everything that I went through as happening for me and not to me.
00:02:29
Speaker
And I feel like for a lot of years, I was really stuck in kind of a victim mindset of feeling like everything bad just keeps happening to me. And it just kind of kept this cycle going of just feeling depressed, anxious, making poor decisions. And I never really had that connection to myself or to my soul.
00:02:47
Speaker
Which I think is what I was always really longing for.
Spirituality and Human Design
00:02:50
Speaker
So, yeah, so if we go back to where like my childhood. First of all, I believe that all of us are souls and I believe that when we're born like we are whole and complete and we all have such a unique design, and we're all designed so differently to
00:03:06
Speaker
show up and really discover who we are to be our fullest expressions and to live our purpose. And once we're born, you know, all of us at different ages, we start experiencing trauma and we start experiencing different things and conditioning from our families. And we start to feel like we have to be a certain person instead of just being ourselves. And so we kind of lose who we are. And so when I had a really good childhood, so in human design, my profile is a 2-4.
00:03:34
Speaker
And so just a quick little like insight on what that means is like my personality in this lifetime is the hermit slash the opportunist. So I'm someone who really loves like a long time and being with myself and like studying and I really charge my batteries from being with myself, kind of like introvertedness, but it's just like to a 10th degree. And then the four of my profile is the opportunist. So to me, relationships are really important and I love
00:04:01
Speaker
building deep relationships with my friends and my peers. And so my childhood, I was really living my purpose or like my design. I loved like playing Barbies and like being in my room and like playing. I would literally pretend to be a teacher and like make these like fake report cards and like take attendance and like grade homework.
00:04:19
Speaker
And I was like, I would pretend to be a teacher. And I loved it. And then I also had a really great social life. Like I was involved in all the sports, Girl Scouts. So I was feeling like I was feeding both ends of that design. And it felt so good. Like I was myself, I was happy. And I was just a very
Childhood Trauma and Identity
00:04:37
Speaker
happy kid. And then
00:04:39
Speaker
For me, I think the biggest change happened when I moved in seventh grade going into eighth grade. So my dad moved us from Colorado to San Diego, California for his job. And it was really, I didn't realize how traumatizing it was until like later laying back on it. But I just remember my dad being really quiet and like sad for like months. And I was like, what is going on? And he traveled a lot for work. So I was already used to him kind of like being gone often.
00:05:07
Speaker
But he was just really quiet. And then they told us that we're going to be moving. And my mom told me that I shouldn't tell any of my friends because she was afraid that they would stop.
00:05:16
Speaker
being my friend and they wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore. So I didn't tell anyone and I left seventh grade like literally been like see you guys next year but really I know like I'm not so I'm losing this connection with everyone and I ended up telling my best friend like two weeks before I left and she was just like why didn't you tell me Alyssa like I would have wanted to spend so much more time together and like really cherish these moments
00:05:37
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, why did I listen to my mom and not tell anybody? Told. You were told. Yeah. And we listened when our parents or grandparents or anybody when we're young says, shh, we don't talk about that. Or shh, we don't talk about your dad's, I'm assuming he might've been depressed. But I mean, it was like hush hush back then. And then as children, when we're made to keep a secret,
00:06:08
Speaker
That's very traumatic. Very traumatic. And, um, yeah, so we ended up moving and that was super hard for me. It was like, um, moving to California, they were on the year round schedule. So it wasn't like I was starting the first day of school with everyone. It's like, they already started. Like, so I was just like this new kid who just like looked awkward. Like, you know, it's an awkward time. I was going through puberty and like my clothes were like, what?
00:06:35
Speaker
people were in Colorado you know it's so different from California and I just like didn't feel like I really fit in and so now I was like wow like I used to have so much confidence because I get my confidence through those inter like close relationships and now I don't know anybody and I'm like wait like who am I so I started kind of losing parts of myself and like not really understanding like who am I and so I kind of started latching on to like the first people that I could find and so in I would say like middle school
00:07:04
Speaker
probably like eighth grade and then really in ninth grade is when I started drinking and so I started drinking for the first time and it felt at the time it felt so good because I feel like it just kind of took away all this pressure of like wanting to fit in and like not liking who I was and just not liking my peer group like I wasn't involved in any sports or anything so I really didn't feel like I was myself and so
00:07:27
Speaker
that time in my life felt good in a moment but it was really just to kind of cover up like the feelings that I was really feeling internally because I didn't know how to like look at my feelings or understand what was going on so I kind of fell into the wrong crowd but also I took like full accountability for the people I chose to hang out with because also like I really liked it like it was really fun for me and then I would say around 16 years old my parents got divorced and so again that was a huge like a huge
00:07:56
Speaker
that I think I didn't even realize was so hard for me until processing it later and so again I just really relied on alcohol and like drinking every day so we live really close to um the border so I would go like I was going to bars and clubs like with a fake ID of like being 18 because in 18 uh in Mexico the drinking age is 18 but I wasn't 18 so we have like fake IDs to be 18 years old and so I started like partying a lot and just like
00:08:21
Speaker
living a really fun lifestyle but at a very young age and I never was a normal drinker.
Struggles with Alcohol
00:08:26
Speaker
Like when I would drink it was like I want to go all in like my aim is to like be the funnest like literally black out because I felt so awkward just like being myself especially like these relationships that like weren't deep relationships like I wasn't having these like intimate conversations and really getting to know people it was just like drinking friends
00:08:46
Speaker
And so as like the line for that doesn't feel good. Like we don't like surface level. And so it's kind of like drinking more to just be like, Hey, like let's just forget everything and just like party. And so I kind of like took on this role, just like becoming a party girl. And so, um, I spent no time alone, absolutely no time alone. I had like fear missing out all the time. So I was always sick because I was never giving my time, my body time to like sleep or like recover. I was just always going out and.
00:09:14
Speaker
I think that's where I also felt like very disconnected for myself. And then I graduated high school early. I went to the learning center and just kind of like fast-tracked it because I was like in the stage where I was like, I hate everything that's like normal. Like I was like, I hate the football players. I hate the cheerleaders. Like I want to be different. Like fuck the man. You like that kind of like attitude. I was just like, I don't like, I don't want to conform. Like I just want to be
00:09:37
Speaker
like different and so I graduated early and then went immediately to community college and then it took me literally 10 years to graduate college because I was just like I never knew what I wanted to do and for a lot of times of those years I was just partying so I was kind of like dropping classes but the other thing too that's interesting is like
00:09:57
Speaker
Even though I drank really not functionally, I was still like, I never witnessed an alcoholic in my life. So I was romanticizing what alcohol looks like. I lived in middle class suburbia. To me, drinking was very glamorous and it was like what the cool people do and it was so fun. And so I never saw someone go to the point of where
00:10:19
Speaker
like what becoming an alcoholic would be like like I literally pictured it as like a homeless person like on the side of the street they say you know like look about it. That is so common and I've had clients tell me well I don't think I have a problem I mean I haven't lost my job yet I haven't had a DUI and I'm like okay
00:10:42
Speaker
It's a good thing. Like that's why we're here so that we can nip it in the bud before something like that happens. But often we have a picture that it has to get to a certain point before we need to change. And my whole goal is, no, let's change our beliefs about what alcohol is doing for us before something drastic happens.
00:11:10
Speaker
Yes. Oh my God. And I love that you said that now because this is crazy because I also had a lot of dramatic things like that happen. Like I really did get arrested with three DUIs before I was 22 years old by 22. One when I was under age, one when I was 21 and then one when I was 22. And so it's like.
00:11:31
Speaker
Even though these are like really dramatic things were happening and I was getting in a lot of trouble, it still wasn't registering that like, I need to change my life. It led me more into like, I want to party and like forget about these problems. You know, like I don't want to think about this. Instead, I just wanted to like basically self-medicate with just drinking more. And again, I still saw it as like,
00:11:51
Speaker
I really don't know what I saw it as but I was just like nothing would be like a rock bottom for me it was just like this is so fun like I just want to keep going but then also like hating myself and like I was in very toxic relationships and like I had no boundaries I really let people treat me however they wanted to treat me because I had absolutely no self-confidence
00:12:13
Speaker
And so it's just crazy to thinking back to the things I would put up with or like the situations I would get in. It just feels like lifetimes apart, but also like when we're so young at that age, even take away like drinking or whatever we're using to escape with. It's like.
00:12:28
Speaker
we have to consciously work on our confidence and to figure out who we are. Nobody is just confident at that age. It takes a lot of self-development work and a lot of probably healing to really trust ourselves. And so I guess it's like throwing just alcohol on there. It's just like feeling the fire. Yeah. And how do you feel about
00:12:52
Speaker
It's been research that when we start drinking at a young age, our emotional development gets arrested. Like we stop learning and growing emotionally on the day, basically, that we start picking up weed or alcohol or basically any substance.
00:13:20
Speaker
in order to cope or self-medicate. Did you notice that as you got older? Like, damn, I'm really reacting strongly to this. Like I'm 13 again, but I'm 22.
00:13:36
Speaker
Oh my god, I was so reactive. Like, I was literally like they would call me like Jekyll and Hyde, especially when I would drink because it was like, I would just become a completely different person. It was unrecognizable. And then even when I was like, not drinking, you know, like when I was
00:13:52
Speaker
just like in the everyday today life like it was impossible to be around me like my relationship with my mom was really bad my relationship with my brother i was just mean like i was just a mean um just angry i had so much anger inside of me that i never like really processed and so yeah i feel like the emotional maturity thing was like really hard and then also in human design i have an undefined emotional solar plexus and so that means that basically i take in and amplify the feelings of other people
00:14:22
Speaker
And so that was also a huge part. Yeah, you too. That was also a huge part for me of like,
00:14:27
Speaker
why I wanted to drink to numb the feelings because I did not like feeling other people's stuff it was like and that's also I think why I had a lot of like people pleasing tendencies and like I didn't want to upset people because it was so uncomfortable for me to have like any type of confrontation even though I was like I was very reactive it's like I didn't want other people like to be upset or like feel that so I really fueled that
00:14:52
Speaker
that. Plus, it makes kind of a dichotomy out of you where you're being pulled in two different directions. Because on one hand, you've become a people pleaser, everyone's go to friend. I know in my case, like everyone's fix it friend. Oh, go to Kristin, she'll give you advice. She knows what's up. Well, then you take on their stuff on top of your unprocessed stuff. And now you're operating like in a
00:15:23
Speaker
constant state of highly elevated cortisol and fight or fly, but you don't have the chemicals to deal with it because you're depleted in your serotonin and your dopamine from drinking.
00:15:36
Speaker
Yes, 100%. And it's, it's crazy to the anxiety that I would have. Like I, so I was also like always a very high achiever. So that's why it's kind of funny. Cause it's like, I had a really problematic drinking problem, but then also like I was always going to school and always working like a couple of different jobs because I always wanted to stay busy. Like.
00:15:56
Speaker
I didn't ever want to be alone. So I was like, I was working, I was going to school, working and then going out and then like waking up hungover, doing it again. And so I got to a point to where I would start having panic attacks when I was driving and I would literally pull over and just like try to calm myself down to get to work or like I had to start leaving work early because it was just like,
00:16:17
Speaker
I just felt like, um, I felt like such an irregular heartbeat too. Not even in the panic attacks, but I think because I was always so like dehydrated and like, I think it really messes up like your electrolytes and stuff. Like when you're so dehydrated. So I just felt like I was always feeling really shitty. Same. Yeah.
00:16:36
Speaker
Yeah it's like super scary. So yeah so then I feel like right before okay so probably the worst that I got was I was 25 and I was going to school I just completed community college and I was working at a sports sports restaurant and bar and so that really kind of got me into like oh like everyone goes out in the service industry at night and so I've got like really close friends with those people which
00:17:00
Speaker
did help me get out of a toxic relationship I was in. I was able to hang out with those friends and get away from that relationship which was good but then also it kind of fueled like now I have like more drinking buddies like to go out at night. So it got so bad that I would be so hungover like I would give them little like you know those little mini shots at the liquor store. I would get like the 99 bananas one like grape and like the different little flavors. I would get like
00:17:25
Speaker
probably like six of those. And then I would go get that I would have to work at 4pm. So I would go get like six of those, go to my house, like surging my makeup drink to just to feel like myself because also I got a lot of feedback when I was younger that like me like drunk Alyssa, like drunk Alyssa is so much more fun. So it was programmed into me and conditioned that I'm way more fun and outgoing when I'm a little tipsy.
00:17:49
Speaker
I can't go relate to that being a bartender for 15 years. Yes. I can't do my job without
Desire for Change and Role Models
00:17:56
Speaker
drinking. That is a belief I held for years. Yes. Oh my God. Yes. So I would take like drink like two of those, do my makeup, go to work. And then I would be at work for a little bit and I'd be like, Oh, I have like
00:18:10
Speaker
I have four more so then I like I would go to the back like halfway through get two more like put it in the like drink I was drinking I can't believe I was doing this like I put it in my lockers and like got like the like soft drink from the machine like fountain whatever and then I would like pour it in there like no one would know I would drink it and I was like okay I can just like myself again and then probably like 20 minutes before we would close I would go take the last two because I'm like oh now like we're about to all go out I want to be really fine while everyone's leaving this place and so I did that it wasn't uh often but that was probably for like two weeks
00:18:39
Speaker
that of like the worst time of my life, like actually drinking at work and doing that. And then I ended up getting into Cal State Bakersfield because it had just completed my undergrad. And it's so weird how the universe works because I didn't even freaking apply there. Like I didn't even apply to that school. I just like applied to a couple other schools. And somehow there's like this, there's this tag system in California where I think if you meet the requirements, there's certain schools that are like looking to pull in more enrollment.
00:19:08
Speaker
So I got into that school and then I was just like, I'm doing it. I am so depressed. I'm so anxious. I can't keep doing this anymore. I don't want to continue these friendships, even though it served me at the time. And I have great feelings for those people. It just wasn't aligned with where I was trying to go.
00:19:26
Speaker
wanted to get out of this life like I would have I can remember distinctly so many nights like just crying to God in my car like please God like just help me and like drunk at the time like please just like help me get out of this situation and like I will change my life because I wanted just one sober friend to show me that life could be fun without drinking because I didn't think it was possible I drink for everything
00:19:50
Speaker
Yes, me too. Drink when I was happy, drink when I was sad, drink when I was pissed off, drink. I mean, it was, it got to the point where I was actually, I wasn't even hopeful anymore. So I'm proud of you that you stopped before it got as dark and bleak. Like I said a similar prayer, but it was less of an ask and more of
00:20:21
Speaker
I wonder, like, is this what the rest of my life is gonna look like? Is this what 44 is supposed to feel like? Like, is this really all there is? I feel like it was more of a, oh my God, how did this happen? Yes, oh my God, it's like so deeply.
00:20:48
Speaker
Yeah. So I was like, okay, I'm going to leave everyone. So I was 25 at this time. So I was like, okay, I'm going to leave everyone. I'm moving to the city I've never been to. It was like six, maybe five or six hours away from where I was living. So I was like, I don't have any money. Like I don't have a job, but I'm just going to apply for like financial aid. And, um, I also like didn't want to just find a random roommate because I was like, I don't want to get back into the party scene. And like, I don't really know how to trust people. So I lived in it. I was like, I'm going to live in the dorms.
00:21:15
Speaker
and then I felt like so much imposter syndrome around like living in the dorms at 25 because I was like this is like at the time I felt so old like knowing I'm like 25 as a baby but I felt so old you know I was like this is weird but um I lived in the dorms and I literally didn't have a job or money I just went to school and just like focused on my studies and like it was awesome like everything was going great I was getting straight A's I was always in the library and that's literally all I did and then
00:21:42
Speaker
I realized, oh, alcohol is actually the city too. Like it's not just in San Diego with my friends. Like this little small town also has people that like to drink. And I was like, I'm going to find them. Interesting. Like people here like to also have fun. So then, um, so then I had a few, like, I kind of started drinking again and I started drinking just like
00:22:07
Speaker
uh a little bit here and there going out and then again it got like super dark like i would start drinking to go to class like i had wine both of my roommates were not even 21 so i wasn't i could have alcohol in the dorm rooms but i was not supposed to supply it so i'm um so i had like my bottles of like wine and like literally bottles of vodka and i was just like
00:22:26
Speaker
take a shot before I went to class or I would do this because I wasn't even though I wasn't drinking in that time frame like I didn't do any work like I wasn't into any personal growth and development work I wasn't getting to know myself I wasn't looking at like wait why did I ever drink and so I still felt like extreme social anxiety like I would if I went to class and on the first day of the semester they were like oh like this is going to be a majority group work I would literally go to the bathroom and like drop the class because like I couldn't even be in groups yeah
00:22:54
Speaker
Yeah, it was, yeah, it was so bad. So then I was like, Oh, I can just drink and go to class. And then, so I started kind of making friends in class with other people who like to drink. And then it would just become like studying drinking. And then it was just like, then I kind of was just drinking all the time again. And I was like, okay, this is like really toxic. So then again, I was just like praying to God, like God, like
00:23:17
Speaker
What is going on? I just felt bad again. I felt like shit all the time. And I was like, why is this following me here too? I don't want this for my life. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like a prisoner. And I was like, why can't I just have fun? Why is it that parties, baseball games, literally were so conditioned as a society to drink everywhere? It's so normalized. So I even sought out a Bible study because I grew up Christian.
00:23:43
Speaker
I went to confirmation and I was very involved in the church. I was a minister's assistant when I was still living at home in San Diego.
00:23:51
Speaker
I was very involved in the church, but I also felt like such a fraud because I would come hung over to church on Sundays and guide like prayers and help lead the service. And I was like, what am I doing? Like this just, and I also like never really connected so much to like Christianity. Like I would just go and like, I would feel messages like move through me, but there's a lot of things that don't resonate with me. And I just like never really knew why until I have my spiritual awakening. And so I sought out Bible studies when I was in
00:24:21
Speaker
Bakersfield and so I joined a bible study and I thought that like bible studies I thought like people were gonna work on personal growth and development and I just had this idea that like oh if you go to church like you don't drink like you're just a I don't know like a straight-edge person and it turns out like all they wanted to do is to talk about how they're gonna go home and drink wine
00:24:37
Speaker
And I was like, what the fuck is this?
Influence of Relationships on Sobriety
00:24:40
Speaker
I was like, I can't go anywhere where people don't want to drink. I thought I was going to be my besties in Bible study and stop drinking, but they all also are just moms that love to drink and glamorize the mommy drinking culture, you know? For sure. It's so pervasive, Alyssa. It's like, it really is.
00:25:00
Speaker
everywhere. That's why it's so important that we talk about the truth behind alcohol. It does not cure anxiety. Here's what's really going on. I just did a video right before we came on about
00:25:18
Speaker
It does not help your relationship to have a bottle of wine and quote unquote, get vulnerable. Like these are messages we're hearing out in the world. So no wonder everyone, not everyone, but no wonder there's a huge epidemic of alcohol abuse.
00:25:38
Speaker
100%. It's everywhere. Yeah, it's just literally, it's crazy. Yeah. Oh, you make sure it's like, I was like, what the hell? I thought it was going to be like my people here, but no. So I was like, okay. So yeah, it's just crazy. And so, um, again, like I would just like have my prayers, like breaking down, like, please help me. So I ended up meeting, this is so funny. So I ended up meeting my now partner, George, he was the RA in my building on the first floor.
00:26:05
Speaker
and I had a girlfriend come visit me from San Diego while in college and so like we went out that weekend and like got really drunk and then we came back to the dorms and got locked out and so he was the person that opened the door for us and so that's how I like met him which is just so funny and I also want to say this too because there's also a lot of stuff out there that's like oh like you can't meet your partner until you're totally healed and like um
00:26:30
Speaker
You have to be the vibrational match for them. And until you're like perfect, like you're never going to need them. And like, I see like, okay. I see some sides of that, but I'm like a testament that it's not true. Like you don't have to be fully healed to call in your partner because if you're calling it someone who's also into like growing and like healing themselves, like you guys can do that together. So I just want to like say that as I tell my story. I love that you said that because I'm all for
00:26:55
Speaker
the belief that Rumi, in fact, I have a Rumi quote up here, but I love Rumi, but he has a quote that says something to the extent of on two fields in the middle is where I will meet you. And it's a whole concept of we're never fully healed. So let's meet each other where we are
00:27:21
Speaker
and complement each other's growth journeys. Not, you had me at hello, like you complete me, not that because we know that's not true, but briefly,
00:27:40
Speaker
Even though we're not fully healed, you can be fully committed to your healing journey and attract another partner who is fully committed to their healing journey. And then you guys commit together. But I love that you brought that up because so many people are like, Oh, I have way more healing to do.
00:27:59
Speaker
or I need to be sober longer before I reconnect with my husband or wife, or I need to wait till I'm further along on my journey before I change my career. It's like embrace your callings. There's a reason you're being drawn to, you mentioned a spiritual,
00:28:27
Speaker
awareness or spiritual awakening. There's a reason you're being drawn in these different directions.
00:28:33
Speaker
hundred percent. Yeah. Yes. And like, also there is no arrives. Like we're never just human. So it's like, you're going to be doing that forever. Even even Jay Shetty, who I love and listen to frequently, he's like, even the most monk of all monks, like he still will say he has not arrived. Sure. He's a lot closer than a lot of us, but no human has fully arrived.
00:29:04
Speaker
Not alive, anyway. Yes. I love that. Yes. So I met George, and at this point, I had never had sex sober, except with my ex-boyfriend, who's a very long-term boyfriend, like seven years, and then one other person. Every other time I had sex, always highly intoxicated. And I thought that was normal. I was like, who has sex sober? I'm like, that's fucking weird. How do you feel comfortable with that?
00:29:33
Speaker
I just thought that everyone just got fucked up and then like hooked up with people. Like I really thought that was how the world works. And so when I first met George, we, so we were first just kind of like, we were kind of just like friends with benefits at first. And this was when I was still like drinking. And so I would literally have to drink before I would go to hang out with him.
00:29:55
Speaker
And so I just remember being so scared. Like I think I was just so scared. Like I wasn't comfortable with my body. I wasn't comfortable. It's not that I hated my body or had issues with like any body image stuff, but it was just again, like not knowing who I was, not feeling comfortable in myself, not feeling comfortable in my power. I definitely didn't feel connected to like sexually unless I was intoxicated. I kind of use that as a question of like, wow, I'm turning into like this different person.
00:30:20
Speaker
but now like having sober sex is like completely like way better but it's just like you know you're used to that yeah yeah and so we were friends with benefits so that'll probably happen like a couple times so George does not drink so he grew up um with a single mom he grew up in like eastern LA so like pretty rough and his father was an alcoholic and he saw
00:30:43
Speaker
the shit side of alcoholism. He saw people ruin their lives. He saw people go to jail. Like he saw the opposite side of where I was like glamorizing it. And like, I feel like I was kind of like sheltered to like what life really is. And then he saw the extreme other side of like, I have to go to the college and like make this work. This is the only way that I'm getting out of my situation. Like no one is going to save me except for myself. So he was always like on a very straight and narrow path and just
00:31:07
Speaker
he never I think he maybe tried drinking once and just it wasn't for him like he said it is not hard for him he just never was a drinker never tried any drugs just a very straight shooter person and so I was like wow this is like perfect and he when we were first like dating he was also setting very strong boundaries like he didn't want to get in a relationship for a while and he was like you know I'm very choosy with who I am in a partnership with and then we eventually like were talking about
00:31:33
Speaker
you know, becoming exclusive. And he was like, if we are going to date, I don't want a girlfriend that drinks. You know, that is my firm boundary. And it's like, if you want to continue drinking a party, that is so cool. But like, we're going to have to part ways because I see my life going forward as someone who does not drink.
00:31:47
Speaker
And that is the first time, Kristen, that I ever had someone hold me accountable and literally be like, I will leave you if you want to continue doing whatever the fuck you're doing. Because I always had my parents bail me out. I always had my friends to forgive me for messing up. And I never was out accountable for anything. And so I was like, wow.
00:32:06
Speaker
This is where I feel like that's where the first part of my healing journey really started because I was like, Oh my God, like I have to look at myself and take accountability for my actions and I have to actually like hold myself to a higher standard or this person does not want to be in a relationship. So I really think that God sent him to me because I think that I just was so lost and I wouldn't know how to like set these boundaries for myself. And I guess I'm just, but in my case, I just like needed someone else to like,
00:32:33
Speaker
hold those standards because I wasn't yet at a place to like hold them for myself. And so we dated probably we're together for I think like maybe two, I think it was about like two years, maybe like two and a half or three years. Like great relationship. I like never felt tested around drinking because I wasn't around people that drink. I never went anywhere that people would drink and I never put myself in any of those situations. So like it wasn't hard for me.
00:33:00
Speaker
But I also like was being very kind of isolated with what I was doing. And so, and I didn't do any personal growth or development work at this time so I was literally only working I had graduated college had a great job time in the social ladder, like got a really good position like a leadership position. And then we went to, I got invited to Las Vegas like an annual meeting with my work.
00:33:22
Speaker
Um, for like all of the managers, there was like a really cool event and I ended up drinking because I, you know, didn't do any of that work. I, and I was putting this position now where I was with, I was uncomfortable. I was with like a lot of executives. I was with a lot of people that I didn't know. Um, we were celebrating like an incredible achievement of like being at this position. And I was like, Hey, I haven't turned for three years. I think maybe I can like just drink. Like, I think I'm cured. I think I just have one.
00:33:49
Speaker
And then everybody's fine. Like on TikTok, they show this meme of what? Not meme, but like a video of a girl like in the bushes, can't find her shoes. And she's like, I'm literally fine. And it reminds me of when I was at that stage. But we're fine, right? And it's like, yeah.
00:34:13
Speaker
And it's like making those, and it's like making those rules. I was like, okay, well I'm only going to drink beer and I'm going to make sure that I eat first because in the past I was like, I'm not going to eat. Yeah. So I was like, okay. Freedom. That's, I support clients in moderation or harm reduction. And I also do talk about the true gifts of sobriety. Don't show up in moderation.
00:34:44
Speaker
Yes, we're doing, we're changing our relationship with alcohol, fully support that, love it, yes, keep going. But to have, I consider three years, pretty long term sobriety, and then experience the mental gymnastics now of, okay, I'm going to moderate now.
00:35:10
Speaker
I'm only going to drink on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and only two drinks a day. Like then you're doing all this like justification and math and calculations, like your freedoms gone at this point. A hundred percent, a hundred percent.
00:35:30
Speaker
And even like the benefits, you know, uh, how good we feel like from having alcohol removed from our system, if you're moderating and you're drinking once a week, like you're not recovering enough to like feel good anymore. So yeah, I totally like, I totally believe that too. Um, so yeah, so I ended up drinking on this trip and I told him and he ended up immediately breaking up with me. So I was like, Oh my God, like I'm losing everything.
00:35:57
Speaker
in my life and I didn't cheat on him. I didn't do anything wrong. It was literally just the drinking because our relationship was set on the boundary of we do not drink. This is a strong boundary. We were together for three years and it completely destroyed him. Like he was, and a lot of people don't understand, like a lot of people in my life felt like, Oh, he must've been wanting to break up with you. There's another excuse. Like that is so stupid, but he is the type of person that is like, it's also in his human design where he's very on his word, his like boundaries, his like,
00:36:28
Speaker
He's uh, he's just a very like to his word person, but also, okay, sorry, the story gets better because I'm also going to talk about how like this also healed him our relationship. So anyways, so he ended up breaking up with me. So I told him, he picked me up from my work, like from my workplace. When we got back from Vegas, I told him in the car, we drove to the house. He left the apartment, came back with his friends, packed up all his stuff the same day and left.
00:36:54
Speaker
And I was like, Oh my God. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? Like this was a rear relationship. We live together. He's literally just going to leave for that. I was like, that is crazy. But then I feel like my soul needed to see that to be like, dude, I'm telling you, like God was like, Oh, set. You want to fuck around and drink? You can drink. Like it's your choice. It's right here for you, but you will lose everything in your life that is important to you. Like a hundred percent, but you can do it. Like that's the choice.
00:37:23
Speaker
Yeah, it's your good choice. And I was like, oh my god. So yeah, so that was horrendous. That was so hard for me. So we were separated for like almost a year, so like seven months to a year. We would still talk a little bit, but it was with no hopes of getting back together. And I really needed that because I saw I didn't turn back to drinking. Like the old me would have been like, oh, fuck this. Like he's the one that didn't want me to drink. I'm going to just go to the bar. Like I'm going to start dating people.
00:37:52
Speaker
Yeah. And like, um, I was like, Oh, wow. Like this is growth. I had, I didn't want to drink. Like I was like, I don't want to drink. I didn't try to date anybody. I just like focused on myself. And this is where my spiritual journey like really deepened. And I just got into like Kudalina yoga and like studying like all the esoteric stuff and just like turning into myself, turning into meditation.
Embracing Spiritual Growth
00:38:11
Speaker
Um, and just really living alone now for like seven months to a year and fully dedicating that inward and like
00:38:17
Speaker
remember I told you my whole life like since I was a child I didn't give myself that alone time which is so important for my design so it was like now I was like wow I'm gifted with this experience of like being alone doing the introspective work and just like being with myself and like really learning like who my soul is so I think that was like very important since I had gotten to the relationship with him when I was still drinking I never had that alone time so I feel like this it happened like perfectly yeah
00:38:44
Speaker
Yeah. That alone time is crucial because when I started my sobriety journey, I was in 12 steps and they were like, you have to wait a year before you date.
00:38:59
Speaker
And I was like, that is so stupid. I've never not had a boyfriend or a partner or whoever. I've always like had one waiting in the wings or I had never really been alone except very brief times like in my twenties, a long ass time ago. So I hadn't experienced loving
00:39:27
Speaker
who I was falling in love with me before meeting someone else. So I would always kind of have that Hollywood notion of, oh, I'm going to find the one that's my other half.
00:39:44
Speaker
I'm looking for someone to complete me. And after I took more than a year and a half off, after that in really sitting with the trauma work, the heart centered work, like all of the things like you brought up, the yoga, the meditation, learned tapping, like,
00:40:13
Speaker
Then I was at a place where it was like, yeah, it would be nice to attract a partner that compliments me, not completes me. The difference when we give ourself that year, year and a half, seven months time to heal and get to know
00:40:40
Speaker
what we love about ourselves. That's where like the good stuff is. Oh my gosh. A hundred percent. And I think a lot of people too, like, well, I always felt that like complete me, complete me. It was like a whole inside of me that like nothing could fill. And so yeah, it was like, once I started going on my own, like journey healing journey and like, Oh, I'm complete by myself.
00:41:03
Speaker
this person is just like you said a compliment it's like that is what is such a beautiful loving relationship because now you're not so like tied to it it's almost like having um uh like not an attachment it's like oh like well if we just come to the place in time now where we're no longer growing with each other then okay instead of completely forgetting who we are to try to like make this relationship work because it's like all we have and like that is not really healthy
00:41:32
Speaker
Yes. Yes. Um, so, okay. So we were broken up for like a year. This is where like, it's just crazy how like sobriety works and like the alcohol free journey. So I during this year alone, I still wasn't looking at my alcohol, like relationship. Like I was just like, it's just something I wasn't really doing. I just didn't look at it. I don't know why, but it just like didn't occur to me. And so we ended up getting back together. He moves back in after that year. And then it's the annual meeting again in Las Vegas.
00:42:02
Speaker
So I go again and I'm like, I'm telling him, like, I promise you, like, I'm not going to drink. Like you have nothing to worry about. Cool. I go and I drink again because I have so much, uh, social anxiety. There's so much, like, I'm like, it's in a room of like.
00:42:20
Speaker
500 to like, I don't even know how many people it was. Like so many people, like I, it's not something I'm really interested in. Like that's not, I work in the quick live industry, like for reference. So it's like, that's not what my passion is in. It's mostly male dominated. There's only a few women. So it's very out of my comfort zone. Again, I didn't really heal anything related to alcohol. So I was completely using that as a coping mechanism. I was like, I don't feel comfortable. So again, I just, I told him like on the first night, like,
00:42:49
Speaker
felt drunk, and he was just like, are you fucking kidding me? And he was so upset. And I really thought about that. And I had to stay there for three more days. And I was like, oh my god. And the whole time, I was just like, he's not going to be there when I come back. He was like, Alyssa, just do your thing. We'll talk when you come back. That's it. So I was like, OK. So then. Almost worse, because we won't be punished in the moment. Yes. So I did this.
00:43:17
Speaker
And now you're supposed to like react a certain way. And then when they don't, it's almost like, like when a parent says, wait till your dad gets home, then that anticipation of waiting is terrible.
00:43:33
Speaker
Yeah. It's so torturous. Yes. So I, okay. So I get home and when I get home, I look on our table and there's literally every kind of bottle of liquor you can think of beer, like all unopened like on our table. And like he sits me down and has a letter. He's like, I want to read this to you. And so he basically read me like this super heartfelt letter and was like crying and was like, Oh, is that like, he's like,
00:43:56
Speaker
Ever since I met you, I just wanted the best for you. And I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink. He's like, it might be my own biases from seeing an alcoholic father and seeing what alcohol does to you. And he's like, but I don't understand why you continue to do this when I'm not there. And he's like, so.
00:44:13
Speaker
I don't know if this is like a controlling thing. Like am I controlling you? He's like, I don't know, but I just want you to know that I accept you fully as you are, Alyssa. If you want to drink alcohol, drink alcohol. I'm not leaving you. Like there's nothing you can do at this point that I'm going to leave you for. I fully accept who you are. Like let's do this together. If you want to drink here, I want alcohol for you. Like just please stop doing it behind my back and like
00:44:37
Speaker
hiding the self from me because you're afraid of me to see who you really are like I fully accept you I love you and like I'm here for you and I was just like oh my god I I felt like in that moment my heart like literally broke open and I was like I finally felt so accepted and like free loved I was like oh my god like I don't need the alcohol like I was like
00:45:03
Speaker
it was just so crazy because I thought he was for sure going to leave me again and then he was also saying like I think this is a part of my healing journey because his tendency and patterns is to run away to run away when it gets tough to you know kind of like break things off before he gets hurt and so he recognized that the first time he did that he probably he was like you know I probably shouldn't have broken up with you the first time from drinking alcoholic he didn't do anything to me I just
00:45:27
Speaker
really hurt my feelings but i see how like i was immature in that and like my soul grew from that and seeing you do this again i see that i can't just leave you for these things if i'm choosing to be with you like if it's something that we want to work on together so that's kind of like where i came full circle where like it healed both of us like the second time around and from that moment it has that moment it has never been hard for me to not drink again because i have this in my mind of like oh i can drink if i want it's a choice
00:45:54
Speaker
Like, oh, I can have one right now. But you know what, I just choose not to, because I feel so much better when I don't drink and like, everything in my life is so much smoother, happier, like vibrant, joyful I feel so healthy like everything is good and like, I think it really takes away a lot of that.
00:46:11
Speaker
We want what we can't have. Like, if someone is telling me that I can't drink, it's like, damn, I kind of want to drink now. You know, like, I, this is kind of psychology in a way. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so it's more of like coming. And so again, that's kind of what I also wanted to talk about. Like, I don't really identify with being an alcoholic because
00:46:27
Speaker
I believe that words are vibrations and it's like we're casting spells over ourselves and so if I'm waking up every day and I'm saying I'm an alcoholic it's saying that I'm powerless over a substance and this has power over me which is absolutely bullshit like we have the power over anything you know and so I just choose to be alcohol free because I feel like my life is so much fuller um like I said just everything good comes for me from not drinking and so from there that's that's kind of how I like healed
00:46:54
Speaker
that part of it and then I started actually looking into like why did I drink and I did all of that kind of more like introspective work healing like I never was really into a lot of um like sober literature I just wasn't really that interested into me but I did listen to a sober girls guide podcast and like hearing stories of other people of their like before stories of being like at rock bottoms or even just like
00:47:18
Speaker
Yeah, some of the horrendous things that people have gone through. I'm like, oh my God, I'm not alone. And I see how they're so successful. They're entrepreneurs. They have healthy relationships. They're so happy now. It gave me hope to be like, wow, I can have a shameful past, which I used to have a lot of shame around. The DUI is like being arrested. A lot of that was very shameful. And now it's like, it doesn't cut me. Want to talk about it, there is just neutral. Because I'm like, oh, that's just who I was. It's something that I went through that
00:47:45
Speaker
happened because like I didn't have the coping mechanisms to like be myself. I didn't know who I was. And now that I do, it's like, I just make better choices. So. Yeah. I feel that too. When, uh, when I started my journey in 12 steps, every time I would say I'm Kristen, I'm an alcoholic, I had like this clutch in my chest, like, and it wasn't.
00:48:15
Speaker
shame. It wasn't guilt. It was that I knew from studying psychology so many years before that the brain believes what you tell it. Every time I stood up and said I'm an alcoholic or an addict,
00:48:41
Speaker
I would tell my brain to then look for activities, behaviors, and things that have to do with alcohol. My reticular activating system was like fully engaged in attracting to other people who identified as alcoholics and addicts.
00:49:07
Speaker
I'm learning from them, yes, but I'm also steeped in their language of I'm powerless. I can't be around it. I can't look at it. And something ingrained in me kept saying, I don't want to live my life like that.
00:49:30
Speaker
I want to go to karaoke. I want to go to a concert with my kids. I don't want to fear something and not trust myself. I want to grow to the point of where, like you said, it's a non-issue because I haven't just like grown willpower against alcohol.
00:49:58
Speaker
I've changed my beliefs about what alcohol will do for me. Like when, when you said in that last time in Vegas, you had a belief that alcohol will make me feel better. Alcohol will help my social anxiety. That's super common.
00:50:20
Speaker
But when we teach ourselves and our friends and our people, the truth about actually it raises your cortisol, it increases your anxiety, it lowers your feel-good chemicals, you have less ability to be in a room full of people, then it's like, oh, well, then maybe I don't want it. Yeah. Yes. And it's like,
00:50:47
Speaker
Um, I also have not find it like really liberating and kind of fun to be in those situations where like everyone else is drinking. Not that like, Oh, I, I don't like to like go to clubs and bars. Like I don't really do that. It's just like not fun for me. I don't want to just be around really intoxicated people, but see if I go to like a work event where everyone is like having cocktails. It's like.
00:51:06
Speaker
it's kind of fun to like actually be the one that has like your wits about you and like you you realize that like no one's looking at you like no one is paying attention to you they're all just waiting on their next drink and then like when you start having conversations where people like start repeating themselves it's like okay like then you kind of know like but it's like it's like oh wow why am I putting so much pressure on myself everyone's just worrying about themselves and like you don't realize that until experience actually being
00:51:33
Speaker
alcohol-free and a room of people drinking it's like oh wow like like I go if I go to like dinner and my mom or brother want to have a cocktail like it never bothers me it's like oh like I'll be the DD like it's just fun for me like in a nice way because they're not like abusing it or like you know taking advantage of me so yeah they aren't doing like what we used to do they don't use alcohol as a tool like we did thankfully same with my mom I have maybe
00:52:03
Speaker
once ever seen her even tipsy. She can just have a couple glosses and be fine. Well that doesn't trigger me, but if there's another family member and they're getting obliterated with Chardonnay in their coffee mug at the campground at 10am,
00:52:20
Speaker
That's gonna affect me. That's problematic. That's what I used to do. Exactly. And it's like, I feel like too, like once you start kind of living this like alcohol free life, you'll just notice that like you just don't hang out with people that drink like that, like or even drink. I don't have really any
00:52:38
Speaker
friends that tree, like, and I'll just say because I have judgment towards people, of course, I have a lot of acquaintances and stuff that may be to drink here and there, but I'm not hanging out with people and they're drinking. That is not the center of the thing ever. And George doesn't drink. So many people I know don't drink. And so it's really fun to know that you can have a really fun ass life with so many people around you that don't even think about alcohol. It just doesn't exist and it's really cool. Yeah. And vacations are different. You're not spending your time
00:53:08
Speaker
like googling the best brunch with bottomless mimosas. Like I would spend three hours on a Sunday or more probably just drinking bottomless mimosas. Like it would be an 80 degree gorgeous day. And that's what I chose. Cause that's what I thought was acceptable.
00:53:32
Speaker
Yes. I didn't know there were trails to be hiked. I didn't know there were a meditation workshop I could go to. Like that wasn't on my radar. Of all of your healing practices in the time of your spiritual awakening, what do you credit the most grip or the most movement or the most healing power for you?
00:54:02
Speaker
I would say for me too, so I would say in the beginning through it all meditation, I feel like that was a place where I can just like come home to myself and just really learn how to just like be there and just be okay with like some days you have a lot of thoughts and just like experiencing that and just like being okay with that. But I also felt like that's where I really connected to my highest self and I just felt like a deep connection is definitely
00:54:28
Speaker
through meditation and then on the second half of this like journey i would say human design because really learning like that we're all so uniquely different like our souls have a blueprint of like how we're here to like show up in the world like what like our purpose looks like and how we're here to like make decisions and we're all just like these really beautiful pieces of the puzzle and the problem is is that
00:54:52
Speaker
a society wants to conform us like everyone wants to be the same like even if we look at like pop culture everyone's trying to be the same when we're looking at like trending anything trending it's like everybody just wants to look a certain way or act a certain way because that's what's cool right now but when we're doing that we're completely like
00:55:11
Speaker
Being an authentic and we're denying who we are at the sole level. So it's like, that's why people feel so anxious and depressed. It's because we're not actually doing things that we want to do that. That's the other thing too. I realize about social anxiety is that a lot of the times I just didn't want to be at the places I was at. It's not even that like, yeah, I do. I did experience social anxiety, but also is like.
00:55:30
Speaker
actually, I just don't even want to be here and enforcing myself to say yes to things that I don't want to do. So really, like understanding for me, my authority in human design is like, how you're mentioning my decisions. And for me, I meant to listen to my gut, like same with you, the sacral, sacral authority. And so like, just trust me, like my gut feeling like, do I want to go here? Do I want to have this opportunity with this person? Or am I doing it because I feel like I need to? And so I feel like when I really tuned into that, I started realizing like,
00:55:55
Speaker
Oh wow, like nothing's wrong with me. I'm literally just like this and then kind of like accepting myself a little bit better. I feel like that holds so much because I think when people drink so much is because we're, we're just like so afraid to just be ourselves or we don't know who we are. Yep. Or we're in a pattern of people pleasing and either we've not set boundaries or we've not held boundaries or we're comfortable yet with saying no.
00:56:24
Speaker
I would say my boundary setting and saying no journey has only been about a year old. Even though I've been sober almost three years, I've only started saying no a year ago. That was, I mean, I learned from my coach, you don't have to do all the shoulds, Kristen.
00:56:52
Speaker
This is your one, like Mary Oliver says, we're gonna do this one precious wildlife, like, but it's true. I'm 47, I don't have like 60 years to get this down, right? I wanna feel good now. And so when my coach said, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no.
00:57:18
Speaker
And you're allowed to trust your gut, Kristen, because I, from sexual trauma, but also kind of my upbringing was toxically religious. And I was told over and over, even in sobriety, you can't trust yourself. You can't trust yourself. So I didn't trust my gut, but then I was like, okay, I'll just become digestible again.
00:57:48
Speaker
or I'll hush my mouth again, or, you know, I'll break, make myself small again. But this past year, I've been like, nah, girl, you shine, you have permission to be loud, have desire, be passionate, talk about hard things, you do it, and trust yourself.
00:58:12
Speaker
Yes. And it's crazy because I see you too, like shiny because you're a manifesting generator, right? Yes. Yeah. Like I see your passion and like, you're very like, I just see it in you. Like how you're always showing up. You're very consistent. You're very passionate. Like you are doing the thing of literally like living your purpose and helping people. And I know that it can feel like society is like being quiet, like stop being so like, like stop being so excited. Like shut up. You know, it's like,
00:58:40
Speaker
so it's hard to go against that but it's so beautiful when you break out from that and allow yourself to just show up and shine because you are really supposed to like you're here to like respond to the things that light you up like you said anything that's a hell no is just like a no because it's just gonna degenerate your energy and it's gonna feel like shit and then like our auras like as generators and manifesting generators are like warm they're open and enveloping so if we don't feel good we're enveloping everyone with like a shitty hug like it doesn't feel good
00:59:09
Speaker
to everyone around us it's like it's like if someone asks you to go somewhere and you're like I don't want to you're like okay fine I'll go but then like you know when you're there you're like I don't want to be here it's like everyone can still feel it so it's better for us to just be like I think I'm just not gonna go I'm sorry. Yeah and receiving pushback when I first began to say no was really hard for me because I was so used to like oh Kristen's so agreeable she's so easy to be around and it's like wait a minute
00:59:39
Speaker
She said no. Or wait a minute. I flaked on her many times and now she's holding me accountable. What the hell is that? Oh, well, this version of Kristen has rules of engagement that I didn't have before.
01:00:02
Speaker
but those are to protect me. Cause if I just keep giving and giving and giving, then I'm back to having holes in my bucket again and I can't go there again. Yeah. I love that. Thank you. I have a question about meditation. I've only progressed to seven minutes. That's okay.
01:00:30
Speaker
I do it every day, but I can't get past seven minutes. What felt like a good place that you arrived at that you felt like, damn, this is really making a difference for me.
Meditation and Self-awareness
01:00:49
Speaker
Yes, I have so much to say on that. So okay, there's first of all, there's so many different types of meditation. And it's totally normal that it feels hard. So I actually did my mindfulness meditation teacher training through Dharma mood. So I have that and that's one style of meditation, which is kind of rooted in like Buddhist like roots. And then I also did transcendental meditation.
01:01:10
Speaker
where you basically go through this like ceremony and you receive a mantra and so that one's like a mantra driven meditation where you're just coming back to the mantra and then in the mindfulness practice it's where you're just coming back to the breath and so and then also there's guided meditations there's so many different kinds that you can do kind of depends on like what do you want to get from it is it relaxation it's like to sharpen the mind it just depends what
01:01:34
Speaker
But what I've found is like just knowing that it is hard and just knowing that like it's not supposed to like erase your thoughts and be this like really like zen like place like it's not always like that like and it's and some people might not ever get like that so just like erasing that from like your thought of like oh I'm doing this wrong or like why does it feel so hard it is supposed to feel very uncomfortable like that's like kind of like
01:01:59
Speaker
And so it's like more like the more that you can kind of sit in the discomfort. I've realized that it kind of dissipates. There's this thing, there's this term that they say, which is called like warm boredom and like cold boredom. And so it's like, when you're first starting, it's like very hot boredom. It's like, you're like, wait,
01:02:18
Speaker
What should I be sitting here because I also need to the dishes and then like I need to like pick up my son and like I need to do this and like there's so many things that are going on in your mind, but the more that you can kind of sit there and just like come back to the breath, for example, if that's what you're using as like your point of concentration.
01:02:31
Speaker
that eventually it's just going to slowly like get less and less. So if you were to sit for longer than seven minutes, like maybe just start, maybe if you've been doing seven minutes for a long time, like, okay, tomorrow I'm going to do 10 minutes and just try to do 10 minutes for 30 days and see like how that feels because the more you just sit with it, it does become easier. Okay. You inspired me. I'm going to let you know how it did.
01:02:58
Speaker
Yeah, let me know. And then also, there's really good guided meditation. So do you like Joe Dispenza, right? I do. I'm laughing. And then I have to wrap us up because I have to wrap us up. But I listen, this is so ironic. I love Joe Dispenza.
01:03:26
Speaker
I wanted to do, still want to do his retreat while I was getting ready for our podcast. I was listening to him on Lewis house, who I also adore. And he said, it's normal to not feel like you're connecting with your partner. You got to get down and dirty. You got to be vulnerable. You've got to tell the truth to your partner. Go get a bottle of wine.
01:03:55
Speaker
And I made a video about it and I said, Joe, I'm about to pick with you. So after we're done, go to Instagram and watch my video and you're going to crack up because it perfectly illustrated why society has such a problem with alcohol.
01:04:16
Speaker
And so I just said, I still take you Joe, but I have a phone to pick with you. And as spiritual leaders and thought leaders, we need to do better guys, we need to do better. I can't freaking believe that. Oh my god, because I was gonna tell you to here's a lot of really good like short guided ones on YouTube.
01:04:38
Speaker
that I listen to to like visualize my future, but I'm going to go look at it right now. That is freaking crazy. And yes, I still respect him. I look at this as a teaching moment. I would love, I'm just going to put this out in the universe. If someone on staff says, she's not wrong, Jo. She's not wrong. Like someone needs to listen to what this girl has to say because it's true.
01:05:05
Speaker
Like, of course. And I'm surprised Lewis House didn't catch it in the moment because he's a non drinker too. I was just gonna say that. I was gonna say what is his response because I know he doesn't drink either. I was like, yeah. And I listened to it three or four times. But wait till you see it. You'll be like,
01:05:25
Speaker
God, I can't wait. So where I, first of all, I hope we have a part two at some point, because I have so many more things I want to ask you.
Spiritual Coaching and Contact Information
01:05:35
Speaker
But for now, where can people find you on social media, or, or in the world connect with you? Yes. So I'm on Instagram at I am Alyssa Mae. So it's E-L-L-I-S-A-M-A-E. I am for sorry.
01:05:54
Speaker
I am. Right now, I'm a spiritual life coach, so I do human design and Jenkins reading. So those are what's going on in my world right now. So if anybody ever wants to book, you can just find me on Instagram or reach out and talk. I love talking about the alcohol free journey, sobriety, just spirituality.
01:06:13
Speaker
Yes. And I'm going to have you on my podcast. So I can't remember. I'm recording on Alyssa's. So I can't wait that we get to continue the conversation. And I know this is one of many more, like, I hope we do some Instagram lives together and we just get to continue. Cause I love doing this work with you. Thank you so much. I love you so much. I love you too. Thank you for taking this time.
01:06:38
Speaker
Okay. Bye for now. Thank you all for listening. I appreciate you. If this resonated with you, I would love to hear what you thought about all of the different things we talked about in the comments. So thank you again for listening. Bye for now.