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Falling In Love Again with your Spouse {Episode 229}
495 Plays1 year ago
Remember how exciting it was to fall in love? What if you could do that over and over again with your spouse? In this episode, Bonnie & Audrey share 4 tried and true ways to fall in love with your spouse again and again.
Mentioned in this episode:
Episode 64: Body Image for Moms
Marriage Series:
Episode 107: Making Finances Work
Episode 125: Overcoming Differences
Episode 169: Marriage Getaways
Episode 181: Independence in a Happy Marriage
Episode 191: Navigating Technology for Couples
Episode 201: 7 Tips for a Stronger Marriage
Episode 213: Fix your Marriage in 3 Steps
Episode 221: Prioritizing Your Marriage
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos.
Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion.
Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience,
these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Falling in Love Again
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Out Number The Podcast. You're listening to episode 231, falling in love again with your spouse. This is another one in our marriage series. You guys were so excited to talk to you about one of the most exciting phases of a relationship and that is falling in love and that you can do it over and over and over again with your spouse. Audrey and I bring a combined total of 46 years of marriage, so we have a little bit of experience in learning to love our spouse over and over again. Let's dive in.
Meet Audrey and Bonnie
00:00:29
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Maintaining a Wonderful Marriage
00:00:53
Speaker
Hello friends, welcome back to Outnumbered. We have another marriage episode for you guys today. We love doing these ones and if you haven't listened to all of them before, we'll link our marriage series episodes for you in the show notes. We have lots and lots of good ones because we really, really feel strongly about having a wonderful, amazing marriage, especially if you have a ton of kids running around, right? So go check those out.
00:01:13
Speaker
You guys, we got some new reviews and we are so happy that our nagging worked. Thank you. We actually have two new reviews. I'm going to read one of them right now. This one is from NurseMama1. It says, like having a friend to chat with.
00:01:30
Speaker
love listening to your podcast. Sometimes being a mom can feel lonely if you don't have a good community to rally around you. Having your show to listen to can feel like having a chat with a good friend to keep up the good work. Thank you so much. That is why we're doing this because we know we have had those lonely periods and we know what that's like and we are delighted to share our wisdom that came from a lot of mistakes and stuff with you guys.
00:01:55
Speaker
that's right yeah and you know i was just thinking about my early years of parenting i think blogs were just coming into being a thing being like a you know a way for people to connect online um when my oldest was born but if i had had podcasts and marco polo
00:02:11
Speaker
I would have been so much happier. It would have just been so much easier to connect with moms and get wisdom and inspiration. I mean, there were books and audio books and everything, but just knowing that there are other human beings out there struggling with what you're struggling with can be so powerful. So we're glad that we are that for you guys.
Prioritizing Marriage
00:02:30
Speaker
As a quick recap for you guys, here is what we believe marriage should be. Audrey and I believe that marriage, we just firmly believe that we should put marriage first and foremost above just about everything else. The kids, the house, the career, all the things, because it is that important that we have a strong marriage.
00:02:51
Speaker
Yeah. The only thing that we put in front of marriage is our relationship with God. So almost nothing. This order, it increases our love for our spouse and it keeps our family strong. The, the strong family part is really, really at the core of why we're doing what we're doing in trying to keep our marriages strong. And so we're really excited to record this one for you today, because it's, it's kind of fun actually to have a purpose of keeping your marriage strong and to do that.
00:03:20
Speaker
Yes, it totally is. Having an excuse to make your favorite person in the world, hopefully, he's still your favorite, your priority is a real blessing. Otherwise, we can get bogged down by the guilt of motherhood and just cleaning up the house. Sometimes it's so nice to just say, I'm not going to do the dishes right now. I'm going to go cuddle with my husband on the couch and we're going to read a book together or watch a show or something because that is more important to me than what the dishes get done or not, right?
00:03:46
Speaker
So, Audrey and I have a little bit of experience as married people. My husband and I have been married 19 years and Audrey and her husband have been married 27 years. Wow, almost a decade more than us. Good job, Audrey. I was kind of young when I got married, but still it was worth it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a few more years of singlehood, but yeah, once you start having several decades of marriage under your belt,
00:04:09
Speaker
You know that making your marriage is a priority, but today we're going to talk a little bit more about the keeping of the romance alive. We feel like that's a little bit of an added responsibility and it can be easily shuffled to the side because of these busy lives that we lead.
00:04:27
Speaker
Yeah, taking time for date nights and time to talk and keep your relationship alive. That's crucial. You've got to connect with your spouse.
Falling in Love Repeatedly
00:04:35
Speaker
But here's a really cool thing. Okay, so are we actively ensuring that we fall in love with our spouse repeatedly? Guys, do you realize what this means? This means that falling in love doesn't have to happen only once. We get to do that over and over and over again. And that is so cool. When I was in taking some psychology classes in college, we learned that
00:04:57
Speaker
Um, love is actually cyclical, goes up and goes down. And sometimes you're not only like on a, you know, at the base level on a monthly basis with your cycle, but in through your life, sometimes you're like really attracted or really in love with your spouse. And sometimes things are like maybe on a down cycle and then guess what? They go back up again. And that is so cool. That's what we're going to talk about. Making that happen again today, because like the ideal is not like where the highs are the same. What do you call it? The same level across the top.
00:05:27
Speaker
the highs keep getting higher and then the lows are a little bit dip but you're generally trending upward and and that's a really cool thing. Oh I love that that visual imagery of just this upwards arc that just keeps going up and there are some lows for sure there are some dips where we're not feeling maybe as connected or as in love as we would like to but that just makes the good times that much better right and I would
00:05:51
Speaker
I would argue that those who struggle to stay in love in their marriage and actually seek that outside of the marriage, maybe those who there's an affair or something inappropriate going on outside of the marriage, I would argue that they are seeking for this, this falling in love. And we're here to tell you, you can actually do that over and over with your spouse. That is the exciting time. That is the magic of love is that beginning phase, but it gets even better throughout the years. We're going to talk about that in a second.
00:06:19
Speaker
But first I want to define the term falling in love. We hear this all the time in the media, on TV, right? It's just such a beautiful concept of falling in love.
00:06:29
Speaker
However, contrary to popular culture, this is actually not something that happens to us. People love to say, well, then we just fell in love. No, you don't just fall in love. You actively become in love, right? When you think that it's something that happens to you, then you abdicate responsibility. And when it gets hard in a marriage, a long-term relationship, then you just think, well, we just fell out of love. That's not a thing. You have to let that happen.
00:06:56
Speaker
So it actually is all connected to how we are thinking about our spouse.
Love as a Decision
00:07:02
Speaker
Yeah, there's actually no such thing as falling in or falling out of love. We get to decide every single day. And guys, that is so powerful because that means we're in control. It's not like this magical thing that comes upon us and then like a fickle thing just leaves us sometimes. But we're in charge of this because, okay, here's something that was like a lightning bolt. The lights came on or whatever to me.
00:07:32
Speaker
was when I came to the realization that the only way that you get to experience love is when you are feeling love yourself. And that is not dependent on what another person is thinking or doing. That is totally dependent on you. So you could be in love with
00:07:55
Speaker
a frog really, because it is a feeling that generates from you, from inside of you and your thoughts. And it doesn't have a single thing to do with the receiving of the love. Okay. From another person. Okay. Now that helps. We're not going to say that it doesn't make a difference, but the only actual feeling of love that you get to feel is when it is generated from inside of you, what you feel toward another person.
00:08:21
Speaker
Okay, I love this concept that there is no such thing as me emanating love towards you and you feeling my love. It doesn't exist. I can just do actions and say words that you might then interpret as loving, right? The same thing, like think about a relationship where there was kind of mismatched attraction, right? Do you ever date somebody where you cared for them more than they cared for you or vice versa? That is a prime example of both people
00:08:47
Speaker
Deciding to feel what they wanted to feel even though the other person was pouring loving actions so to speak out at that person So it's such an interesting concept to remember that when you choose to feel love you feel love You don't have to wait for the other person to do anything. It's it's brilliant. I love it
00:09:04
Speaker
So now for a second, let's think back to those early years of courtship. They're so fun, right? Like the butterflies in your stomach and that engagement period, even early marriage, so exciting. I remember thinking about my spouse all the time, whether he was around or not, feeling a really strong physical attraction towards him, really strong emotional connection. We wanted to talk all day and all night, and I loved learning about him.
00:09:30
Speaker
whenever we were together or I was just thinking about them, it wasn't work. I think because everything was so new and exciting. As the years go on, our partner like that, the newness has worn off and we don't learn more about them as easily. We think, maybe we know all about them. We maybe even think we know what they're thinking, which is a mistake that a lot of us can make. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Well, actually, but we can still learn. There is still
00:09:59
Speaker
Like, okay, so are you, let me ask you this, are you growing and learning and changing as a person? Yes, I hope so. And so is your spouse as well. So it takes time. It takes time to date and court each other and to want to learn more. I'd say it even takes more effort than when you were first dating because you
Learning About Your Spouse
00:10:22
Speaker
already have like a layer that you already know. But the other day,
00:10:27
Speaker
when my husband and I were celebrating our 27th anniversary. I learned something new about my husband, something I had never, never known before. We were with some friends and he was telling this funny story and I was totally blown away. I was like, what? I've been married to you for 27 years and I never knew this funny thing about you.
00:10:45
Speaker
Isn't that so funny? That happens to us quite often too, especially me learning about him because my husband is the quieter one. And very often, this is why you need to do different experiences with your spouse, right? Not always have the same kind of date nights. For us, we tend to learn more about each other when we go out with other people because we kind of think that we know each other's stories already, but then we'll share something with somebody new and, well, I never heard that. Oh, really? Or we heard it 10 years ago, we don't remember or something.
00:11:07
Speaker
So that is one of the benefits of being together for years is that maybe some of that initial excitement and newness has worn off, but there is this deeper level of connection. You trade one for the other, right? You have now thousands of minutes and hours and days and years of experience of watching your spouse grow up and struggle with things and succeed with things and become a father and a provider and
00:11:35
Speaker
so many more things to fall in love with. Whereas initially, especially if you dated quickly and got married quickly, which probably most of us Christians do, there was very little time to get to know each other. And now there's years and years and years to learn more deeper levels of our spouses. And that's a really amazing, magical way to fall in love all over again. That is so fun. That is so awesome to go deeper, to think about that, how amazing it is.
00:12:04
Speaker
I think I could honest, I can honestly say that I think there's parts of me, information about me, personality traits, whatever that my husband hasn't discovered yet. Not because he's not, he's not trying, but just, just cause I'm a very complex person and you know what? So is he and so is you, so is your spouse and so are you. And so there's still things that you can discover. Um, and as we say that, like that's the exciting part, but the opposite is also true. It is so easy.
00:12:34
Speaker
Um, to fall into, okay. So the, the marriage foundation, which we've quoted before, and we'll link in the show notes, cause it's a really awesome resource for couples to have the marriage foundation says that over familiarity is the number one cause of divorce. It's like, you think, you know, everything about them. You're just too familiar. Um, you've seen them.
00:12:55
Speaker
What did we say in our vows? For better or worse, right? You've seen the worse and you've seen the better. And so these years, like we can, we can get our focus off. We can kind of get like hardened to each other. We can get resentful. We can get sarcastic. We can get condescending. We can, all the negative things we can, we can let those come in, but something that we can
00:13:17
Speaker
like check and see where we're at is how do you view the small everyday interactions with your
Positive Narratives
00:13:23
Speaker
spouse? Like, are they just so familiar? You can, you know, in the dark, you can still see the motion of him, how he ties off the trash and takes it out of the can and you know, takes out to the garage, right? Like, what are those small everyday interactions do for you?
00:13:42
Speaker
All right, so on that note, our first concrete tip for this episode is to watch the stories we are telling ourselves in our brain, okay? So our brains, we've talked about this before, are always telling us stories. We have this running narrative in our heads, right? In fact, that's what makes up your personality, right? If your running narrative tends to be relatively positive, you tend to be a positive person and vice versa with the negativity, right? That colors the world that we see, right, is our narrative.
00:14:07
Speaker
Whatever story is running through our mind, that is what our brain sets out to prove as true.
00:14:13
Speaker
So if I am running a narrative that my husband is annoying and unhelpful and drives me crazy, guess what evidence I see in my life? All the annoying things, all the unhelpful things, they just pop up like lights, right? If I tell myself the story that my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me, that he is such a good father and whatever number of things, those are the experiences that pop out to me. Isn't that magic? It's so cool.
00:14:41
Speaker
It is like magic. I love that. Because our brain, we can put our brain to work for us. It doesn't have to work against us. Change the story, the evidence changes. Because your brain is now looking for a different thing. Your brain wants the stories to be true, so it starts looking for things
00:14:58
Speaker
to make them true. It's like magic. It's cool. It's not what our spouse does or says or how they look or what they say. It's what we think about how our spouse looks, what our spouse does, what they say. It's how we perceive it, our thoughts about it, our story about it in our mind that affects our relationship. You know you've done it. I've done it. You've seen other people do it. That story gets pretty negative and pretty soon, wow, look, the relationship is pretty negative too.
00:15:28
Speaker
Yeah, and you can see this play out anywhere in your life, right? Again, taking an example of someone you dated. There's probably somebody you dated in your past who you have stories telling you all the things that you didn't like about him. You didn't end up together. Great. That guy married somebody, and his wife has a different story about him, right? Even though his actions are probably very similar to what you experienced, it's all
00:15:50
Speaker
It all depends on what story we want to tell ourselves. So a great way to practice this is with a basic gratitude practice, right? We've talked about that before and how much we love to journal the things we're grateful for because what it does is it shifts that story and we start looking more for the things that we're grateful for. When we look for the good, we see the good and it actually appears to increase even if it doesn't really increase.
00:16:14
Speaker
So cool. And an added benefit to that is when we see more good, we notice the good, we think about the good, that increases the joy and the contentment in our marriage. That's just how that works. Good, positive thoughts yield good, positive emotions. You guys, this is so true. I love this. I love this so much because, okay, so I used to have this thought that if I make this story that I don't at my gut level believe that I'm not being
00:16:43
Speaker
not being genuine, right? I'm being disingenuous. But I have experienced the ability to change my mood by what I'm thinking, right? So why wouldn't it work? Like, okay, so if I think negative things, my mood goes down pretty bad, right? And if I think positive things, if I think happy things, if I look for five things I'm thankful for in, you know, 30 seconds,
00:17:10
Speaker
My mood changes. It does. So why wouldn't that work for the story in our mind about another person? Of course it works. It's so powerful.
Physical Attraction and Acceptance
00:17:17
Speaker
It is like magic. It's true. So our second tip is work on physical attraction.
00:17:24
Speaker
Like, you guys, we get it. This can be hard for you, okay? You're a young mom. You've just had a kid. You're breastfeeding. Like, Bonnie and I were laughing about things we're not going to share on this episode before we started recording about what our toddlers have to say about our bodies, right? Our bodies are changing. They're different. But that doesn't mean that we just let ourselves go and become unattractive. This can be hard. Maybe you're hitting middle age and you've got
00:17:53
Speaker
wrinkles and gray hair and skin that's not as elastic as it used to be and whatever. So we have an episode all about body image for moms. That's a great place to start if you are struggling with this. But also we're talking about your thoughts about the physical attractiveness of your spouse.
00:18:16
Speaker
Yes, exactly. So as we learn to accept and love our own bodies as they change through pregnancy and postpartum and aging and some weight gain and some wrinkles and all the things, we have to do the same for our spouse. And this is something I honestly never considered. Maybe once as a teenager, I looked at an old man and thought, does my husband get to turn into an old man?
00:18:36
Speaker
But as I age, I realize, oh, my husband is aging too, which means that, well, number one, it means our love has to be a lot deeper than skin level, right? If you marry somebody for how they look, good luck with that. It's not going to stay the same and there's probably going to be some issues there. You're going to have to figure out how to love each other for...
00:18:51
Speaker
much more than that. But we also need to be able to be physically attracted to our spouse even as they change, even as they get some middle-aged weight gain and they lose their hair or they turn gray or whatever it is, because they're doing the same for us. And that is how you maintain the romance in your marriage is you acknowledge that this is the same person that you married and that you're still attracted to them. And you might have to work on that, but that's all through your thoughts as well.
00:19:19
Speaker
funny story about the first time that I started to think about my body or bodies having the ability to change as they grew old, like in a negative way was someone made the comment to me that they would never get a tattoo because have you ever seen a tattoo on an old person, what it looks like? And I was like, oh, yeah. All of a sudden you're like, oh, my skin's going to do that.
00:19:46
Speaker
Didn't acknowledge that one. Like, Oh yeah. Good point. I was not going to get a tattoo anyway, but ew. Yeah. This is a place where journaling and gratitude practice can help you to take some time to journal about all the ways you find your husband attractive in his current age and shape and size and whatever. Um, those gray hairs.
00:20:09
Speaker
You got those right alongside of him, right? That's something that you got together. His smile lines because he's been smiling so much, right? What else? What is it about your spouse? Does he have a squishy middle? Maybe it's soft to hug, whatever. Just think about something that maybe is not as attractive about your spouse or about yourself as it was when you were first married and then like change the story and see what happens. Find some gratitude there.
00:20:36
Speaker
And one, one thing that really, really helps me is to remember that first and foremost, my husband is a soul and he has a body and I am a soul and
Intimacy and Unique Connection
00:20:47
Speaker
I have a body. And if there's not that soulmate connection going on, that's when I get too focused on the physical because I've lost vision. I've lost sight of the soul to soul connection.
00:21:01
Speaker
I love that concept that we are just souls. And I will say this, if this is something that you struggle with for yourself, you struggle with accepting your body and loving it the way it is, start with your spouse. Sometimes it can be way easier to love the body of the human that you're married to and accept his for the way it is and then look at your own and realize,
00:21:22
Speaker
Mine is just as valuable and just as worthwhile for some reason with as women well not for some reason because of society and all the stupid garbage they put on us For these unrealistic expectations. We have a really hard time accepting our perfectly good amazing powerful bodies because they don't look like a Photoshop models and
00:21:38
Speaker
Sometimes, just learning to accept your husbands as it changes and ages can help you as well. Essentially, this is something that we just need to remember to work on. It takes a little bit of time, takes a little bit of effort, but to actively work on loving your spouse at every stage because he's going to keep changing as well, just like you are. Yeah. We have an episode on intimacy. I think this is the proper time to mention that as episode 151.
00:22:02
Speaker
This, this is really important because there's a connection that comes through intimacy that isn't going to come any other way. So the more that we make time for sex, for cuddling, for other intimate acts with our spouse, the easier the, I'm not going to say easier, but like the deeper it is for our love and that physical attraction and that deeper connection to, to grow. There's just nothing.
00:22:27
Speaker
that I know of that can replace intimacy. And it doesn't have to be to be sex because there's couples that have very intimate relationships. And one of them is a quadriplegic or, you know, you get into older age and like you want to say those couples aren't intimate. No, because there's so much of a deeper connection. But, um, that episode is super important and that's why we refer to it a lot.
00:22:52
Speaker
You know, when you say that, it makes me think of something too. I don't think it is a coincidence that our younger bodies tend to be more willing and able and into sex and physical intimacy like that, because I think that is like the glue that connects us in the early years of our marriage. And then as we age,
00:23:15
Speaker
I mean, yes, it's wonderful to continue that as long as possible, as long as it works for everybody, but also it will become a little bit less passionate, maybe a little bit less frequent because it's no longer necessary to glue you that tightly together. Does that make sense? It's kind of like the initial bond and that bond just grows deeper over time through other things, co-parenting and having experiences together and having trials together. I'm not saying that sex isn't important as you age, but
00:23:42
Speaker
That to me just seems like a very interesting mindset shift that those early years, the reason that you're so attracted to each other physically is because that physical connection is like the start, right? That's what keeps you together, I think, at the beginning when things are hard, and then things get deeper and better. I don't know. Does that make sense? I just thought of that when you were saying that. It totally makes sense, and it backs up something that I was going to mention because I read this article recently.
00:24:08
Speaker
that as monogamous couples age, the man loses his ability to see anyone other than his spouse as attractive in long-term monogamous relationships. And the woman loses her ability to smell other males.
00:24:29
Speaker
in the way that she smells her husband. Like it's not like, you know, a working out male isn't going to smell. I was going to say, I can still smell my teenage boy. So that hasn't happened to me yet. Wouldn't that be a blessing? But like that ability to like, it's just kind of almost like a primitive or a primal thing that, that you're becoming, you're cementing your relationship more and more and more as you go. So like, maybe you don't have, maybe you're not as physically attractive as you used to be, but that's not the way it is in your husband's eyes. Like actual physical science showing that.
00:24:58
Speaker
Yeah. And such a great reminder that we as human beings are designed to be long-term monogamous human beings. People are always trying to come up with a study that says, no, that's not true. It is true friends. And that is where we get the best, healthiest, most beautiful families and relationships is by sticking together for the long haul. So that's so interesting that science backs it up.
Setting Boundaries
00:25:19
Speaker
Okay. So our third tip is a bit of a warning and we're going to call this one protecting your heart. Okay.
00:25:24
Speaker
So in those early years of marriage, you have eyes only for that husband. And maybe that is because of this really strong physical desire and a number of other things. But as you grow older in your relationship, you become more comfortable, like you said, the over-familiarization. You need to be extra watchful of your relationships with members of the opposite sex because you can
00:25:48
Speaker
and inadvertently start looking for that spark again, right? I would just suggest being really watchful of how you interact with other men, watch for unintentional flirting, even if it's not coming from you, could be coming from someone else, right? My husband and I have set up rules for ourselves for what we will and will not do with members of the opposite sex, just to protect our relationship and keep it as safe as possible. Okay, here is the key for me on this one.
00:26:17
Speaker
It's not what you think is inappropriate with another man. It's what your spouse thinks. So, okay, here's some examples. Um, do you drive alone together with another male? Do you eat a meal together like at a restaurant with another male? Do you text or talk on the phone regularly, meet friends at the gym, Facebook friends? I can't even tell you.
00:26:48
Speaker
I cannot even count the number of relationships that I personally know of people who have been ruined because their spouse hooked up with an old friend on Facebook. You guys be careful. It can just seem so innocent, um, activities, but it can sow the seeds of discontent within your marriage within you or within your spouse. How are they receiving of that?
00:27:12
Speaker
of your attentions to another, to another man. Like I'm, I'm saying men because I'm a woman talking to women, but same. How would you feel if your spouse was interacting the way that you are with another female? Yeah. I love that. Seeing it from your spouse's perspective.
00:27:27
Speaker
I have met lots of couples who have said things like, well, I trust my spouse, so we don't need rules like that, but it really has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with respect, and it has to do with guarding what's most important to you. I believe that there is a being who wants to destroy me and my family and everything that is good, and I'm not gonna give him a chance because I started talking to some guy while I was running on the treadmill, right? I'm not gonna give him any chance
00:27:55
Speaker
to poke at my marriage and try to weaken it in any way. So I am fiercely defending my relationship from any evil influence. Yeah, and that goes for Facebook, it goes for real life interaction, it goes for daydreaming, right? Like you have a terrible day or a fight with your husband, are you daydreaming about someone else, right? These things start so innocently, but be very, very fiercely protective of this relationship that can have the potential to
00:28:24
Speaker
Be a beautiful blessing to your life or destroy it. Yeah. Remember your heart. Protecting your heart starts with protecting your thoughts. That's where it's got to start. So there's this politician that I know who has a personal policy. I don't know him personally. I know of this politician who has had the hard and fast rule that he never dines out or is alone with another female.
00:28:49
Speaker
Like that would be so hard as a politician, but I super, super can respect that. And so like you think of a politician there in like this fishbowl, um, and like that, like anything they're thinking this, this politician is thinking that anything could potentially be used against him in his future political career. But, but what you're saying about, you know, the, the being that's against us about Satan is that,
00:29:16
Speaker
Exactly the same thing. He'll use any little thing against us. Like our life is a fishbowl. We are being watched. If by nothing else by our children, like how do we want them to conduct their relationships in the future? And that's a great segue into our last tip is to remember your 20 year vision.
Long-term Vision for Marriage
00:29:34
Speaker
What do you want your marriage to look like?
00:29:36
Speaker
two decades from now. Do you want to be happy? Of course you do. Do you want there to be laughter, hugs and kisses, talking to each other, sitting down about your most important dreams? I have this beautiful picture of my grandparents who set up this spot in their house that they could sit down and talk together and be together
00:29:57
Speaker
like a lot because they just wanted to and they ended up starting their day there they ended up ending their day there like the last time i saw my grandparents before my grandpa died they were in that spot in their house like they were just together and that's like that's what i want for my future and for my marriage
00:30:13
Speaker
Yes, what a great reminder, that beautiful 20-year vision. And a good thing to remember right now also is that if it's not happening in your marriage now, it's not going to magically happen when you're older. Like you say, if you have this vision of rocking on your front porch, chatting with your husband at the end of the day, but you guys are too busy rushing through life right now to ever even kiss each other goodbye, it's probably not just going to magically happen. Now, of course, when life is busy with a bunch of little kids, it's not going to also look like four hours on the porch every day.
00:30:40
Speaker
If we can work on incorporating a new habit in each month or each quarter, like, hey, let's try this. Maybe you're not great at date nights and you want to start doing that. Or maybe you just want to start taking a walk around the block a couple of times a week. Pick out those habits now and try to incorporate them a little at a time so that you can always ensure that you are over and over falling in love again with your spouse.
Setting an Example for Children
00:31:02
Speaker
Okay guys, I have a final thought here that I want to share with you. So what if we saw our marriages
00:31:10
Speaker
And this whole idea of falling in love again with our spouse as a pattern, an example that we were setting for our kids following us. What do you want your kids' marriages to be like? Do you want your kids to fall in love over and over and over again with their spouse? I bet you do. I do. I want that for my kids. And so the relationship that your kids are most intimately acquainted with is their parents' relationship.
00:31:38
Speaker
It is, they see the ups and downs. They learn how to resolve conflict. They learn, um, how to love and let's teach them how to fall in love with your spouse over and over again, because it makes for a really amazing relationship and sets such a good example for your kids too.
00:31:57
Speaker
I love that you went there, went to the kids because even though we mentioned at the beginning that our marriages to us are a higher on the priority list than our actual relationships with our children, one of the main reasons is because of the children. Because the studies show if your marriage is a priority, your kids will turn out better. They will be happier. They will be more content. They will be ... When a marriage is rocked underneath children,
00:32:23
Speaker
It causes ripples that last forever. And that's not to make anyone feel badly if that has been your law in life. But everything that we can do to protect that relationship will ripple onto the next generation, right?
00:32:33
Speaker
In fact, I would say that our obligation to keep ourselves in a happy marriage is a generational obligation. That is the legacy that we are leaving for our children, for our grandchildren, for our great-grandchildren, and for the world to be this incredible example of people who love each other over and over again, even when we make mistakes and do dumb things and hurt each other's feelings, that we keep coming back and working on it and to show our children
00:32:56
Speaker
that that strength is what we recommend for them as well. And that is totally a possibility, even while families are falling apart all around them.
Commitment to Love
00:33:04
Speaker
I just wanted to say that right now there seems to be a war on families and I don't want my marriage to be a casualty of that. I don't want your marriage to be a casualty of that. So let's, let's make it fun. Let's fall in love with our spouses all over again.
00:33:22
Speaker
Right? And what a fun job, right? This is a war that is fun to fight, right? If we just get to fall in love over and over again. But try some of these tips, let us know how it goes. Thanks so much for listening to you guys this week. We will talk to you next time. I'm Bonnie. I'm Audrey, and we're Outnumbered. Thanks for listening, friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
00:33:56
Speaker
I'll just kind of tease them a little bit. What's 19 plus 27? What? You can just stay with that many years of marriage between us. Oh, yeah. 46? 46. I always have to round up to the 20 and do it the European way. Did I ever tell you this, that I read an article about why Asians are so good at math?
00:34:19
Speaker
Do we have this conversation? Maybe we talked about it in our math episode that they, the way they count is in ones and tens and like they don't have different words. They, it's like 10 and one and 10 and two and 10. Yes. Yeah. So thanks linguists for English. We're now a bunch of math dummies because we don't know how to count. Okay. So what was it again? 46. Okay.