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How to Resolve Conflict in Marriage {Episode 252} Outnumbered the Podcast
267 Plays1 year ago
Do you and your spouse disagree sometimes? Often? Are you looking for ways to deal with conflicts in a relationship? In this episode of Outnumbered the Podcast, Bonnie & Audrey share 10 ways to resolve conflict in marriage. Because they have almost 50 years of combined marriage between their 2 marriages, you can depend on reliable advice.
Mentioned in this episode:
How to Argue and Win Every Time
Studio C Kindergarten humor video
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos.
Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion.
Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience, these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
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Transcript
Introduction to Conflict Resolution in Marriage
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to episode 252, another one in our marriage series. And we are talking about how to resolve conflict. We have 10 ways to resolve a conflict that we're going to share with you and we're going to share some humor and relatable things from our own marriages too. So let's talk about conflict resolution.
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Why is Conflict Resolution Important in Marriage?
00:00:49
Speaker
Hey everybody, we're back with another one in our marriage series today. And usually we talk to you about something maybe more positive relating to marriage, but today we're going to dive a little bit deeper into conflict resolution. And so this is something that we don't like to deal with to be able to have our marriage back in that good, happy, positive space again. So that's what we're going to be talking to you about today.
00:01:14
Speaker
Yes, absolutely, because there is not really any marriage without some sort of conflict, unfortunately. So we got to have tools to figure it out. So first, we're just going to start with a little bit of humor. And of course, there's always humor when it comes to marriage. Making a life with another human is so fun and so beautiful and also
00:01:31
Speaker
Hilarious and sometimes tense and stressful. So I'm sure we all have lots of stories like this But what I'm gonna share today is about my husband He is known for his humor, which is so great because I get myself real, you know Uptight about things sometimes and he can always deep defuse me and so his favorite thing is so I'll be saying something to him and I'm often checking to see if he's listening right because he's the quiet listener and I'm the Jabber walking never stops talking
00:01:55
Speaker
And so I'll say, did you hear what I said? And I'll say, yeah. And then I'll say something else and he'll go, what? And I'm always like, and then I repeat myself and it's always a joke. It's always just double checking that, you know, I'm, yeah, my sense of humor. And I never, I never remember that he does it to me all the time and it always makes us laugh. So yeah, there's a, there's a hint right there is to not lose your sense of humor. Like we talked about before, right? Yeah, that's right. Humor makes it easier or lighter, or you have more.
00:02:25
Speaker
you're adding more in your good happy bucket, so.
Understanding Differences in Marriage
00:02:29
Speaker
Yeah, okay, so we're gonna share 10 ways to resolve conflict in marriage today, and they're not really in any order, but they're 10 ways that we found that are really good to like keep conflict at a minimum or short term in your marriage. So we're gonna share these with you today. Okay, so Bonnie and I combined have almost 50 years of marriage between us with our two marriages. So we have a little bit of conflict that we've resolved and you can kind of
00:02:58
Speaker
depend on some of the things that we say to help your marriage too. Yes. And the first thing we want to bring up is that, like we said, no marriage is without disagreement, but this is actually a good thing. It's because every marriage is made up of two unique people with different backgrounds, different thoughts, different ideas, different feelings, different experiences. But I say experiences twice. Anyway, we're two very, very different people who are trying to make our way through life together. Totally normal that we're going to have conflict. Conflict does not have to mean yelling and screaming. It doesn't have to mean
00:03:29
Speaker
angry feelings, it just means that there's a couple of things that we don't agree on, or maybe many, many things we don't agree on, but there's definitely tools to work through it. Yes, a little tiny humor segment here. My parents' conflict resolution style was different than, well, any of the 10 we're going to talk about today, and they would maybe, an argument would start in public or in front of the children, and then the resolution part would happen, they would just go off into a different room and shut the door and resolve whatever there.
00:03:58
Speaker
And so when my husband and I had, I had never seen conflict resolved between a husband and wife. So when my husband and I were first married and we had our first disagreement, I was like, well, I guess the marriage is over because I had never seen conflict resolution before. It's like, I don't know what to do about this. I guess we're done. That was nice while it lasted, but no, there really is ways. Okay.
Effective Conflict Resolution Strategies
00:04:23
Speaker
The first one, um, conflict resolution is,
00:04:27
Speaker
refuse to argue. I have heard this from several very long-term married couples that if one refuses to argue, there can't be an argument because one is refusing to argue. And it's not like a disrespectful thing or anything. It's just that if one won't argue, there can't be an argument.
00:04:48
Speaker
Yes. And this is not something I'd ever actually considered because both my parents liked to argue when I was growing up, but my husband refuses to argue. And that is why we have never really had an argument. We have had disagreements and we have had times when we were mad at each other, but never a time when I was arguing and he was arguing back because he just won't do it with me. And it has been the greatest gift in our marriage. Now I do want to say here, it doesn't mean we just leave things unresolved. It doesn't mean you just shove it under the rug because that's recipe for disaster as well.
00:05:16
Speaker
But arguing back and forth bickering is not the only solution.
00:05:22
Speaker
Yeah, I really like this because I often, when there's a disagreement or something that we're not agreeing on, there's a conflict. I often wonder like, if I was Jesus, what would I say are doing this? And I kind of think that all those little snippy responses or frustrated responses or hurt responses kind of would be taken out of the picture. And there just wouldn't be an argument. There would be only resolution. And so I really like this. I don't have this. I try to refuse to argue.
00:05:51
Speaker
I have a human nature and it's very strong and all these different ideas that I have. And so there are arguments, but that's just one thing we're going to put out there. If you refuse to argue, there can't be an argument. Yes. And an interesting thing to remember as you're saying, you know, look to Jesus as an example is
00:06:10
Speaker
What is the purpose of your argumentative response? Is it to better understand your spouse? Probably not. It's to prove your point, right? Which is a very selfish response, right? So yes, we're all human. We do the best we can. But as we look at it from that frame of mind, I think it's very helpful.
00:06:26
Speaker
Okay. Second tip, give the conflict benefit, the benefit of time and space. So you do not have to hash things out the minute they come up. That's actually probably the worst time too. Cause you're both very heated, you know, you're stressed out. You can say, let's go take a walk or let's discuss this later. Or you both go your separate ways. But again, a reminder to not shelve it indefinitely to come back to the matter, but when you are feeling calm and like you're not going to attack.
00:06:52
Speaker
Yeah, definitely plan a time to discuss it when you're both cooled off and in a better frame of mind. And in the heat of the moment, you can say, this is really important to me and I can tell that this is important to you too. So I don't want to ignore it or not discuss it, but I want to talk about it at a time when we're both in a better space to discuss it. And so you'd be very respectful about putting the discussion off till later. It doesn't have to be a disrespectful thing.
00:07:17
Speaker
Yes, you can even say it in a way that's like, I don't trust myself to respond calmly and I want to respect you. So let's do it later. And then I know we've talked about this before that when you want to have a hard conversation with a kid, a great way to do it is in some scenario where you're both facing forward instead of looking at each other eye to eye. And this works in a marriage as well, going on a walk together, sitting in the car together. It just kind of diffuses some of the tension. And if I'm not looking directly at his face, I can sometimes have the courage to say,
00:07:44
Speaker
something hard without getting stressed out and I don't know it just it works for any hard conversation I really like that you're still close in proximity but you're not like staring each other down and the pressure doesn't build that way.
00:07:57
Speaker
Okay. Tip number three we have for you is change your point of view. So if you were in the other person's shoes or position or place or chair, would you think the same way that they do? Like I like to actually physically visualize myself sitting in my husband's chair and trying to see it from his point of view. If we're not agreeing on something, like I'll just mentally plunk myself over that chair and I'll be like, can I see it from this point of view?
00:08:22
Speaker
Yes, I love that. And that's just a great tip for life in general to just see things from another person's perspective. There's this great quote I heard from Brenรฉ Brown recently that I just love and I want to tattoo on my forehead and go something like this. It's not about trying to walk in another shoes. It's listening to the experience of what it's like to walk in their shoes and believing them.
00:08:43
Speaker
right? Because even if I had the same life experiences that my husband had, I would have different thoughts and feelings about them because I'm a different person. But just listening to what he's saying and believing that that's important to him, even if I have no idea why it is, even if I can't understand, even if I don't see where he's coming from, I can still choose to respect his opinion. So it's kind of the same thing, but just like a little bit different way of looking at it. Maybe you can't figure out where he's coming from. Maybe you wouldn't feel exactly the same way, but you can honor his
00:09:11
Speaker
thoughts and feelings because you love him and you want to honor the relationship.
00:09:14
Speaker
You know, another thing that this will do is keep you from formulating your response while you're listening to them because it takes away from listening to them. It'll stop you from having immediate response with no thought in it, kind of like a kindergartner. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I've seen everything else to say than just pushing your point of view repeatedly. Like when you've decided that you're going to try to see it from their point of view, you're listening. Whereas if you're formulating your own response, your mind is working on that really, not
00:09:44
Speaker
not listening to them. Yes, I'm really bad at that. That's definitely something I need to work on. Okay, tip number four, you can only control yourself. Remember that in the end, the bottom line is you can be responsible for your own actions and your own words only, and you get to just respond to how he shows up and acts, and that's life. You cannot control anybody else, least of all your spouse.
00:10:08
Speaker
Yeah, I really like this one. It's really important because it takes you from a position of victim. Oh, I'm in this situation. They're arguing with me or they're not listening to me or whatever. And it puts you in an empowered space. Like I am going to be very careful of my thoughts and of my feelings and of my responses. Because no matter how much we want the other person or we wish the other person would change, we can't do it. We can't only change ourselves. And coming to this realization that I can and must only control me
00:10:37
Speaker
I've been really surprised at the changes that have happened in me. And I know that this is partly a response of prayer. So if my husband and I have a topic that we're discussing and we're not seeing it from the same point of view, and I bring into play prayer in that, prayer always changes me. And I think that should have been like my first clue, my first key, like he'd mean a long time ago, that the only thing I can control are changes myself.
00:11:03
Speaker
And so I've been surprised at how much I've changed as a result of praying for my husband. Like if I pray for my husband many times I have with the hope, wish, expectation that there'll be change on that part, then I won't embrace as much that change on myself because really,
00:11:22
Speaker
At the end of the day, I believe that God knows where the change needs to happen, and he will make aware to me, make me aware of the places where I need to change, and that'll improve the relationship, no matter if my husband never changes at all, because you know what? Maybe he didn't need to. Maybe it was me all along.
00:11:42
Speaker
Yeah, and likely we both need to change, but focusing on him forever is never gonna make us happy, right? Instead we go to pray and say, yeah, please make him change his ways and then all of a sudden we can understand it a little bit better. I'm so glad you shared that because recently I had a similar experience. I was really frustrated about something with someone and I went to prayer hoping to just feel more peace myself. And instead what came to my mind was more love for this other person. It was just change your own heart because
00:12:13
Speaker
what you can control. You can't control this other person. And man, what a life lesson that needs to be retaught to me over and over and over and over. Okay.
00:12:22
Speaker
On to number five, have respect. Be respectful. You're not going to regret if you're in the midst of a conversation that's hard, that's difficult, that's full of conflict and you're respectful. You're not going to regret it. The conversations that I regret are the ones where I was disrespectful. Like I can't go back and change that and all I can do is like regret that. But if I'm at the very minimum respectful, then that's not something I want to change. I can be proud of that later.
00:12:53
Speaker
Yes, that's such a great reminder because when we are desperate to have our point be heard and to get our way, very often we slip into emotional childhood, which includes name calling and raising our voice and doing things that we are not proud of, that we would not normally do in our day-to-day life, but we do so because there's raised emotions and a lot is on the line, maybe it's an important decision or something. So having the ability to control yourself
00:13:20
Speaker
remain the emotional adult is very, very powerful. And like you said, you will never regret that. It is a part of this goal of bettering yourself so that you can become a better spouse. And coincidentally, very often your spouse wants to follow suit, but even if he doesn't, you never have to look back and think that was a low blow. Why did I act like that?
00:13:40
Speaker
So I have a couple ways to share here that you can remain respectful even if maybe you think your spouse isn't behaving respectfully. So my kids discovered a Studio C and they love it because often it's adults acting like children.
00:13:59
Speaker
It's so ridiculous. That level of humor is so funny, but there's just one, we can link it in the show notes, it's about kindergarten humor, and one calls another one poopy pants, right? And then it just kind of devolves from there. But what's so funny about it, like if it was children doing this skit, yeah, it'd be funny. But what's so funny about it is it's adults acting like children. And so that emotional childhood, that's just funny, right? So sometimes when my husband are having a discussion, just to lighten it a little bit, we'll be like,
00:14:29
Speaker
And don't be a poopy pants. Just bring some of that little bit of humor back into it. Another tip I have for you is something I've used for a long time. And that's just to, in my mind, step into a position of royalty. Pretend I'm royalty. Why not? It doesn't hurt anything, right? So pretend I'm Princess Kate or something. And I'm just having a discussion with William. And it's not going well, but I'm still Princess Kate, right?
00:14:59
Speaker
Totally, I love it. Or here's another thing you can do that you are like royalty and you've got all this paparazzi or everything you say is being written down or recorded or in some other way, right? Like, oh, if it's going to be played back later, yeah, I'm going to be kind of careful about what I say. Okay, that's hilarious and a really great tip. Although if I started doing that, we just start eating a lot of tea and crumpets around here and
00:15:25
Speaker
Let's argue more teenage moments. And that's a bad thing? Totally. Oh man, that's great. That's great. Yeah. How do I want to be remembered? And frankly, if you have children, you are going to be remembered for the things that come out of your mouth, you know? And we try to have any, you know, disagreements happen, not always in front of the children, especially if they get heated, but they're always watching. And I want them to remember me as someone who had to control her temper and to be kind. All right. Tip number six.
00:15:55
Speaker
use I statements, not use statements.
Communication Techniques for Conflict Resolution
00:15:57
Speaker
So if you've done any conflict resolution, you know that using use statements is like pointing the blame, right? It's saying things like, every time you do this, I go crazy or use this or knew that. And because they are very blaming and accusatory, but using I statements basically puts the control back where it belongs, control, you know, my husband controls himself, I control myself. So I can say things like, I,
00:16:22
Speaker
Allow myself to get frustrated when you don't help with the dishes, or I have been feeling very exhausted and I could use some support here or there, right? So you're just sharing your own experience, which is really all you have knowledge of, expertise of, trying to show him what he is doing wrong is, like I said, just attack mode and really gets people's defenses up.
00:16:46
Speaker
Oh, exactly. Use a use statement and see how fast the person you're talking to moves into defensive mode, like really fast. Or listen to someone else. When they use a use statement, see where you jump to, right? It's defensive space, right?
00:17:03
Speaker
Yeah, totally. You're moving into blame space and taking away personal accountability from yourself and from the other person. I learned this actually a very long time ago at the beginning of our marriage. My husband and I found this book called How to Argue and Win Every Time. And we thought it was so funny that we picked it up when we read it. But it's a great book. And that idea was introduced to me, to us, in that book was you statements are like, see, okay, so in your brain, you want to make a you statement.
00:17:33
Speaker
How can you rephrase that? That doesn't blame the other and takes accountability for what you're actually thinking. It kind of slows you down a little bit and helps you not blame the other person. Yes, totally. And what's interesting is I'm thinking about this is that when I deal with my children, I naturally move from you statements to I statements as they grow up, right? Like when they're little, I think it is appropriate to say,
00:17:57
Speaker
You cannot hit, that's against the rules. Let me show you how to better treat somebody, right? Because you're teaching and you're guiding and molding.
00:18:04
Speaker
We're not teaching and molding our husband. They're a full grown adult. And instead we're just expressing our own experience so they can understand. And we start to do this hopefully in those pre-teen teen years, right? Where they become their independent human instead of saying, you're always leaving your shoes out. You say things like, I would love to experience a clean home. Do you guys want to do the same? How can we all pitch in together, right? Less of a, I'm going to tell you what to do. And more of a, this is how I'm feeling. How are you feeling? Can we come to an agreement?
00:18:31
Speaker
That is such a good point. I actually am very purposeful about using you statements with my kids, because if I say, I need you to empty the dishwasher, they're like, meh, so what? But if I say you need to empty the dishwasher, it's because kids are narcissistic. It's all about them. And I don't care if you need them to wash the dishwasher, empty the dishwasher. I think we mentioned this before, too, is very often I take ownership for things and I'll say things like,
00:18:59
Speaker
get your feet off my counter. I'm like, oh, but if it's my counter, who's gonna wanna wipe it? If it's my couch, who's gonna wanna care for it, right? Nobody cares if it's mine. If I say, please don't put your feet on our counter, that really makes it dirty and then nobody wants to eat off it. And yes, my kids put their feet on our counter where we prepare food. Welcome to my life.
00:19:18
Speaker
I've thought many times about making a video about everything that goes on my counter, like in the course of a day, like just putting one of those cameras above, you know. Okay, moving on to number seven. Keep the end goal in mind. Why are you having a conflict?
00:19:38
Speaker
your goal, I'm just going to say your goal should be conflict resolution. So keep the resolution part of conflict resolution in mind and you'll spend a lot less time in the conflict part and a lot more time in the resolution part.
00:19:52
Speaker
Yes, this is so good because most of us subconsciously enter an argument to get our own way. That is the goal of the conversation. At least the way we're talking, if someone were to look at the way we're talking, they would think that person only cares about getting their way because of the way they're, because they're saying you do this and you do that and you're not listening to me kind of thing. But if your goal is instead to have peace at the end of the conversation or to strengthen your marriage or literally anything besides getting your own way and you keep that in mind from the onset,
00:20:19
Speaker
then everything goes better. You will have a better outcome. You will have peace because in the end it's getting your way really going to be worth it. I remember at my bridal shower, everybody wrote down a marriage advice for me on these little cards. And the only one I remember was it is better to be married than it is to be right. And I've never forgotten that and thought, yes, it is. So can I let myself be wrong? Can I let myself not get my way in order to have peace and strength in my marriage instead of weakness?
00:20:48
Speaker
Okay, so good. I love that. It is better to be married than to be right. That's what I'm going to have tattooed on my forehead. Oh, yeah, that is so good. But like, at the end of the day, what I want my goal, my and my husband's goal is to have a marriage that
00:21:07
Speaker
is successful, which we die married. And then we remain married until we die is maybe a better way to say that. That sounds like we're dying of being married or something. Or like he's, he's so tired of being married to you and somebody ends. We're married until we died. And it's a marriage that other people, specifically our children can look to and be like, yes, I want a marriage like that. So that includes resolving.
00:21:34
Speaker
conflicts and spending more time in resolution than in conflict. Definitely, definitely helps to keep the end goal in mind. Yeah, I love that.
Managing Unsolvable Problems in Marriage
00:21:45
Speaker
Okay, tip number eight, agree to disagree. This is something that I think nobody in the world understands how to do anymore. If you get on social media, it's like, okay, we're just going to nail our point home to, you know,
00:21:57
Speaker
any end, like no matter what it takes and no matter who gets hurt in the process, like come on, we're all going to disagree about things. Even with your beloved spouse, who you've been married to for decades, you're going to disagree on things. And some of them will probably last forever. There are some things that my husband and I disagree on and I don't ever see him coming to my side or me going to his and that's okay. The things that really matter we agree on or we can find a compromise and the things that don't just let them go.
00:22:23
Speaker
you're going to have unsolvable problems and it is okay. You can still have strong convictions one way or another that do not match up to your husband's and you can still have a wonderful, happy marriage. Understanding that at the outset can allow us to have peace even when you end a conversation or a disagreement and you haven't come to an agreement, right? That's going to happen. You could still love each other and hug each other and kiss and make up and move on without always pushing him to see your way.
00:22:53
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's pretty important before you get married to decide what are the big things that you absolutely have to agree on and don't enter into marriage if there's some of those big things that you're not on the same page about. That is an actual term that they've made up, unsolvable problems when it comes to marriage, like in marriage therapy and all that. So how do you come
00:23:19
Speaker
to be peaceful about an unsolvable problem. So you pray about it. You have a conversation with each other and come to an agreement on how to have a peaceful unsolved problem because there's going to be some. Like I respect you and you respect me and this is something that we don't agree about and like we can still be 100% in love and on the same page on everything else or whatever but like you have to have those conversations because
00:23:44
Speaker
to deny that there are unsolvable problems is almost like sweeping something under the rug and like, oh, there's this area that we can't talk about because we don't agree, but come to a place where you can be peaceful. And, you know, even there's some things where my husband and I joke about it because like, oh yeah, he thinks this way and I think that way and they're little minor things and we can come back to that space of humor about him.
00:24:08
Speaker
Yes, I love that you said that the humor piece because like you said, hopefully that's nothing that is a deal breaker that you're finding out after getting married. Like hopefully you've had those conversations ahead of time like, Hey, by the way, this is really important to me and I'm not going to budge kind of a thing. But let's just take a silly example. My husband loves orange juice with pulp.
00:24:25
Speaker
And I think it's disgusting. Obviously, this is a very small, silly, insignificant example. But these things come up all the time. And so it's a running joke in our household. Half the kids kind of like what I like and half of them like the other. And so depending on who goes to the store with mom or dad, depends on what kind of orange juice we buy, right? And so we all kind of tease each other. And we come home with no pulp and all the kids go, Oh, dad, did you see what they bought? You know, and it's just kind of back and forth. You can do that with even a little bit more serious issues. Just say, Yeah, you know, that's how he goes. And that's how the way he lives. And
00:24:53
Speaker
I don't, and that's okay, right? To just lighten it up a little bit because what else are you going to do? Just bang your head against the wall for the rest of your marriage? No, you might as well just embrace him for who he is. In my family of origin, it was crunchy versus creamy peanut butter like that was. Oh, we have that too, except I think I'm the only one that likes crunchy. It's very sad. I don't think we can be friends anymore.
00:25:19
Speaker
Well, I eat creamy fine, but love that crunch. Okay. Number nine, stay on topic. Okay. Because there are some of those unsolvable problems that you're never going to see eye to eye on, don't drag them into the current conversation or the current conflicts that you're having. Oh, and by the way, you never agree with me because you also don't agree with me about this, this, and this. No. Okay. Just put that one to rest and stay on topic about the current conversation.
00:25:47
Speaker
Yes, this is so powerful. I know we've all seen arguments where somebody has dragged up a past hurt and it is heartbreaking to watch because basically the person who's getting reminded of their wrongdoings has no, you know, there's, there's no way up out of that. You know, it's just like, oh wow, clearly I can never do anything right because you're always going to bring up my past mistakes. Letting go of that past hurt is so important because we have to forgive
00:26:11
Speaker
and let it go or else it can cripple our relationship forever. And even if you think you've forgiven, but it's still kind of nagging you in the back of your head, watch out for it that it doesn't come up in current or future conversations because that is devastating and that is something that will ruin a relationship. It doesn't help to hang on to anything in the past. It's gone and done. We can move forward or we can, like I said, ruin a relationship. It is very, very hard. We totally acknowledge that, but it's very essential.
00:26:38
Speaker
So something that I would suggest, like if you are the one who is having a hard time letting go and going to bring up a past hurt, ask yourself, how is this going to help the current conversation? And if you are the person that something is being brought up against you, just have the humility to say, I'm sorry. And I regret that. And I want to stick to this conversation right now and not go back and talk about that one. So just kind of a couple of sentences that can help in a situation like that.
00:27:10
Speaker
Oh, I'm glad you brought that up, that if you're the one that's being blamed for a past hurt, that can be very painful as well and to just be able to let it go. Okay, number 10, last tip, compromise.
Teaching Conflict Resolution to Children
00:27:20
Speaker
So look for a way that each of you can get your way a little and both be happy, right? Very often there's a compromise where you both get a little bit of what you're asking for and everyone goes away peaceful. It's not always easy and sometimes it requires some real digging and investigating the situation, but it is possible.
00:27:40
Speaker
Yep. It makes your marriage stronger in the long run because you're both focused like what if you go into the resolution part of the conflict and you're focused on the other person's needs and victories like how can I help my spouse feel like, to use the words, he won this conflict.
00:27:56
Speaker
Like if that was my goal and if that was my spouse's goal, then we'd be like totally on each other's team, like rooting for, like we'd have switched teams. You can even, you can even make it a conflict that no, you're going to win this one. I'm not, that's a little bit bringing absurdity into it, but to make the point that if you are focused on helping your spouse feel victorious at the end or focused on their piece and their victory, then it's going to make your marriage stronger in the long run.
00:28:25
Speaker
Oh yeah, let me just give you guys a quick little real life example. I'm just going to make one up here because sometimes it can help to hear what this looks like in real life. Let's say your spouse and you don't agree on media choices for the kids. Let's say you really stricken, never want them to watch PG-13 movies and he loves to watch action movies with the kids.
00:28:44
Speaker
I'm actually not really making this up. It actually exists in my household. But anyway, maybe there's a way that you could say, well, I feel really powerful about at least not letting the kids under 15 see that. And maybe you could give him, how about the older teenagers? You can sit and bond with them and watch that.
00:29:02
Speaker
Or is there a movie that has some action in it that isn't, you know, one of those ratings, you know, G or PG or something that you could watch with the little kids and feel that connection because you love that. So just kind of poke around a little bit and just think if I were him and I wanted to make me happy, what kind of resolution could I come to and see if you guys can balance each other out. But again, that has to come after you follow all the other tips, right? You stay calm, you don't bring up past hurts.
00:29:26
Speaker
stay on topic, all those other things. Because once the conversation devolves into a real angry argument, you're not going to be able to compromise. You're not going to want to give an inch and he neither is he. I think that's probably an issue every wife and husband. Don't all men want action? Why with the superhero movies? I don't know.
00:29:50
Speaker
Oh, okay. So I want to talk a little bit about why, why conflict resolution. So I talked about, I just kind of, tongue in cheek mentioned that I didn't see a lot of conflict resolution when I was a kid and didn't know how to do it. And I haven't been very good at knowing how to resolve conflict, like in my own marriage. Like it was something I definitely had to learn. And I think that could be
00:30:17
Speaker
something that I could help my kids with, not have to go through so much of a steep learning curve in their marriages when they get married, like to get some
00:30:30
Speaker
tools and tips and some of these things that here that we've talked about that work so you can be respectful so you can you know whatever little mind games you play with yourself that your royalty or whatever you're going to do to help it be a respectful conversation like one that you could have in front of your kids or even afterwards you know explain it to your kids
00:30:48
Speaker
We weren't, mommy and daddy weren't agreeing about this, but we've talked about it. We sat down and talked about it and we held each other's hand because we understand that this is something we both feel strongly about. And we came to an agreement and this is our agreement. Like kind of actually talk through it with the kids later and let them know.
00:31:04
Speaker
what happened and give them the gift of knowing how to resolve conflict. It's something that we do with them when they're dealing with sibling rivalry or a troubled relationship with a friend or whatever, but we can also show them how it works in marriage too, to some extent. I just think that that is something that I want to help my kids with. I don't think I've been super successful at this. I've been better at the conflict part than the resolution part, but just thinking about it, I think it's something that
00:31:34
Speaker
that we can do to help our kids as well as our own marriage. Well, I think it's such a great reminder and one I never would have considered because that wasn't my experience growing up.
00:31:44
Speaker
I saw both conflict and resolution, but again, the conflict side is important too. Like be sure you're not just hiding any disagreement behind closed doors because your kids are never going to understand what to do. Like you said, never going to understand that it's normal to disagree. Never going to understand how to handle that. I'll just share a personal experience. The other day I was really struggling with something just life in general and my husband said something that I didn't agree with. I was already irritated about the topic because the kids had been talking about it and I just snapped and I said something that was not nice at all.
00:32:14
Speaker
And as soon as it came out of my mouth, I thought, what in the world was that? And I was really ashamed at what I said. And I don't think it actually faced him at all, but it.
00:32:22
Speaker
it really stuck in my mind. And so I immediately apologized. I mean, I could have said, okay, I'll talk to him later when the kids aren't around, but I wanted them to see that because they, I'm sure they heard and knew a mom just said something not nice to dad. And I wanted them to know, you know, so I looked him in the eyes. I said, I'm sorry that I don't know why that came out. That was really mean. And I should not have said that I love you. And you're entitled to your opinion, even if it's not the same as mine, even if it's wrong, just kidding. I didn't say that. But, um, yeah, I just so crucial to let them see both sides. Love that. Um, and then finally,
00:32:52
Speaker
It's such a good reminder to remember that neither of us has the market cornered on being right or on knowing the right way to do things. And frankly, I think there's a lot more, especially for those of us that are really devout Christians, we just love to think that there's a right and a wrong to everything. And there are lots of absolute rights and wrongs.
00:33:10
Speaker
There are a lot that are not, that are just different ways of doing things. And the more we can remind ourselves about that, the more we can embrace our loved ones on their own unique path to do their own unique thing that looks different than ours, but we can still love and embrace. And sometimes you are in a marriage where a spouse, you know, some of those non-negotiables you talked about before marriage, the spouse chooses to change his
00:33:34
Speaker
idea or opinion on that and that can be heartbreaking. You think, no, I came into this relationship expecting a spouse like this and now I have this one. And that puts you in a position where you get to do a lot of work on yourself and to decide to figure out how you want to approach this scenario and whether you're willing to keep loving this person who is going on a different path that you don't understand. But so much personal growth is available and so much love, such a deeper level of love is available as we really dive into this.
00:34:02
Speaker
Okay, everybody, that's what we have for you this episode. We hope something we've shared has been helpful to you or at least made us seem more relatable or maybe that you can understand that conflict happens in every relationship too, even really good ones like Bonnie and I have with our husbands. Okay, that's it for this episode. I'm Audrey. I'm Bonnie and we're outnumbered.
00:34:28
Speaker
Thanks for listening friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week. Just a reminder that Bonnie and I have, um, I should have counted beforehand, Bonnie. We've been married 28 years and you've been married
00:34:57
Speaker
You're on mute. Did you say almost 20? Yeah, almost 20. Okay.