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25 Ideas to Prioritize your Marriage {Episode 221}
508 Plays2 years ago
If you feel your marriage is starting to suffer due to the constraints of life and raising your family, Bonnie & Audrey share 25 easy ways to prioritize your marriage. One of these will resonate with you, and your marriage will be better for it!
Mentioned in this episode:
Find our marriage episodes on YouTube
Tessa Romero on Instagram
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos. Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion. Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience, these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
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Transcript
Introduction to Prioritizing Marriage
00:00:00
Speaker
Okay, everybody, welcome back. It's episode 221 of Outnumbered the Podcast, and we have another one for you in our marriage series. Today, we're going to talk about how and why to prioritize your marriage. We have 25 amazingly successful ideas for you, so let's get started.
00:00:25
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Navigating Marriage in Large Families
00:00:49
Speaker
Hey everybody, we are excited to add another to our series about marriage and relationships. And today we're going to be talking about how to prioritize our relationships because, oh my goodness, with the busy families, with large families like we have and we know a lot of you have, it is easy to let your relationship just kind of get on autopilot
00:01:11
Speaker
or even slip from a big priority. But the only thing harder than being a parent and parenting all these children that we have would be doing it by yourself.
00:01:24
Speaker
Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. We need each other, right? Yeah. And you know, I think most of us go into a marriage expecting everything to just be so wonderful. I mean, we know technically that marriage can be hard. We see it happen around us. But as innocent little 20-somethings, we generally are just so excited and can't imagine that there would come a day when we would actually have to work.
00:01:46
Speaker
to prioritize our marriage, but that is the fact, and it comes sooner or later, sometimes sooner than we realize, and we notice, oh my goodness, if I don't work towards this, it's going to fail, and that's not what I want. Yes.
Preventing Relationship Entropy
00:02:01
Speaker
What is it? All things slide toward entropy? Is that appropriate here? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, what does entropy and a marriage look like? I don't want that. Yeah, then not going there.
00:02:12
Speaker
So today we're going to share, we're going to throw at you 25 ways that you can prioritize your marriage. And we know that there's even more of these. So these are 25 of our favorite ways. And we're going to have a discussion over on Instagram this week. You guys let us know your favorite ways of prioritizing your marriage. Yeah, for sure. Okay. Number one, remember and celebrate your spouse's birthdays and special days. So anytime they have a reason to celebrate, be there ready to celebrate with them.
00:02:41
Speaker
Yeah, that's right. That says they're special. And we would want them to remember our birthday. So it makes them, it tells them that they're important to us.
00:02:57
Speaker
And hand in hand with that is number two, remember and celebrate your special days together. So your anniversary, the anniversary of your first date, the day you met, Valentine's Day, all the special days that celebrate the two of you together, those are definitely ones to celebrate in a big way. Yeah, there's a reason that every sitcom has run an episode where one of the spouses forgets the anniversary because that's a big no-no.
00:03:24
Speaker
And maybe for you guys, it's not your wedding anniversary that's the most important. Maybe it's the day you met or maybe it's something else. It doesn't matter what it is, but take a chance, take a few minutes to celebrate your union, right? At least once a year, multiple times a year preferably, right?
Creating and Protecting Quality Time
00:03:40
Speaker
All right, number three, protect your date night or special time together. So we are huge fans of date night and we firmly believe that it will break or make a marriage for sure.
00:03:52
Speaker
Yeah. So what if you decided to try to combine your date night and your one-on-one time with kids? So let's start taking a kid on our date night, just a different kid each time. Guess what happens to the dynamic when you have a kid along? The focus is on the kid and it's not on each other anymore. So you have to protect it. Um, and then protect it, you know, like from your kids, but protect it from, from anything else that wants to encroach on that time together.
00:04:21
Speaker
Yeah, just another side note about this, very often, I mean, it's biology that we take care of our kids above all else, right? Because these little humans need us so desperately. However, there is nothing wrong with them needing to bang on your door for a little bit because you're having a long time with your spouse. Like they can figure it out for a few minutes while you talk or cuddle or do whatever you need to do together. I think sometimes we just always default to running after whatever need our child has, but that marriage must be prioritized.
00:04:51
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Number four, smile at them. It seems so dumb. It seems so simple, but guys, it's so huge. Think about what a smile does for you and how it makes you feel when your spouse smiles at you. Okay. So it makes you feel important. It makes you feel like a priority. Like a smile doesn't take very much time, but it tells them you're a priority for me. Our relationship is a priority.
00:05:16
Speaker
I want to keep it good and just a simple smile. So easy, so easy, free. It doesn't cost any money. It doesn't even hardly take two seconds, but it's huge.
00:05:27
Speaker
This is a hard one for me, especially when my husband comes home in the evening because usually I'm just so excited for him to get there that it's almost like this big sigh of relief. And I think my face does not communicate that I'm happy. It's like, oh, finally, you know, instead of turning and smiling and welcome home. So glad you're home. Go give him a hug, give him a kiss. I really have to focus on that to remember to do that so that he doesn't feel like, oh, he just showed up and I, you know, toss him the baby and take off. Nothing wrong with that, though.
00:05:57
Speaker
Oh, yeah. It came so natural when you were first dating, when you first met him. You couldn't help but smile. You even smiled when you thought about him and they weren't even there because that was the kind of relationship you had. Keep that going. Right. Right. And you know the old thing that when you smile, it changes everything. You can actually lift your mood just smiling. So just force yourself to.
Enhancing Communication and Connection
00:06:20
Speaker
And it can make things a lot better, for sure.
00:06:22
Speaker
Okay, number five, don't let anything interrupt your conversation. So we hinted at this before. So that means kids, annoying kids that are being obnoxious, just tell them if there's no blood, they cannot interrupt you. And it has to be a significant amount of blood. If you know your children, they're like, look, it's blood. No, that's actually just a cherry jam or whatever.
00:06:43
Speaker
Same goes for technology. Like how often do you have a conversation and you get a text and you pick up your phone? Like that just communicates disrespect. I know I hate it when somebody picks up their phone when I'm talking to them and I'm telling them something important, something that's valuable to me and they're that distracted by a piece of technology. So put your phones in a different room if you have to when you're having a conversation or go on a date night and leave them in the car, right? Then the kids can't bug you either. Sounds great.
00:07:07
Speaker
Yes. What would you do if you were on a job interview with a manager or the person that you really, really, really wanted a job with? You would not let anything interrupt that conversation, right? What if you're talking to the president or the queen of England? Fill in the blank. Somebody that you really felt was really important will give that same amount of respect and honor
00:07:30
Speaker
to your spouse when you're in a conversation. It's kind of hard, way harder than just a smile. Okay. Say, I love you every day. Oh, this is a big one.
00:07:48
Speaker
you've got to, that's a priority. So relationships, especially when kids enter the picture, can start to slip into the mundane. I think we've referred to it in the past as the roommate relationship. You take up the trash and I'll change the baby's diaper and that. But it's more than that. It's
00:08:10
Speaker
It's going beyond. It's got to be starting to end every day with I love you. It's important. It tells them that this is more about us working together, getting this family raised. It's more than that. Yeah, totally. And what I've noticed is it can also become kind of rote and unimportant. You can just kind of throw it out there almost like grab the trash on your way out. Oh, and I love you.
00:08:34
Speaker
So I like to try to add another word or two to just kind of remind myself what I'm saying. Like, oh, I love you so much. Or, you know, good night, sweetheart. I really do love you. Right. And that kind of just, I think about the same thing when I'm saying my prayers and I kind of get a little bit rote in my praying to just really focus on the words that are coming out of my mouth as like, no, I'm saying this because I really feel it. How can I better communicate that and not have it just be like memorized words that are thrown out there? Does that make sense?
00:09:02
Speaker
Yes. Yes. One thing that my husband and I do is we always end the conversation on the phone with I love you. Like I love you and I love you back. Like, and I think that comes from, that comes out of, um,
00:09:16
Speaker
Like when you're away from each other, my dad was killed in a car accident and I never got to say goodbye. And so I think it was born out of that, that being away from somebody and never getting to say goodbye. So then just kind of a touch on like, I love you. And if I never talked to you again, I love you.
Surprises and Future Planning
00:09:33
Speaker
It's a little bit morbid, but still that's not like what I'm thinking of every time I tell my husband, I love him over the phone. It's like, you are important to me. Let's get back together soon.
00:09:43
Speaker
Yeah, yeah every time you guys separate he knows he walks away knowing that you love him. I think that's super important Alright number seven surprise them with a just because gift. Oh, this is my love language I love gifts and not fancy ones just like stupid ones. It's so fun but that just shows them that you were thinking of them and that you took a Few minutes to go pick a flower or you know Whatever put a chocolate on their pillow or whatever it is just something that shows that you're thinking and loving them. I love that
00:10:13
Speaker
Yes. You know, the other day I have to admit I gave my husband, I was out buying a sketchbook for myself and I saw this journal and it was very masculine around me as my husband. I was like, oh, I think he would like that. And I picked it up and I took it home for him too. And he was like, I gave it to him and he was like, what is this?
00:10:30
Speaker
And I said, it's a journal. You write words in it. It's kind of this new invention. Maybe you've heard of this. And then he's laughing. He's like, oh, OK. Is there a purpose? And I'm like, oh, let me check. Yes, you're supposed to write all the things I need you to improve on in this. Is there a trick? Oh, I know. And I said, you know what?
00:10:51
Speaker
I'm really sorry that I haven't just given you a just because gift for a long time because you honestly don't know how to respond to this. And that's not on you. That's on me. Goliath, it's been so long since I just gave you something just because. Okay. Number eight, this is something we talk about so often on this podcast is the 20 year vision. But number eight, look ahead to the time after you raise your kids and they've moved out and they're starting their own life after living with mom and dad.
00:11:20
Speaker
and plan for that. So what are you going to do? What's your relationship going to be like? Are you going to have to go back to the time where before you had any kids and like start your relationship back there because you didn't really have a relationship in the in-between time? Or have you been like building on it and just slowly tiny by little things all the way in between?
00:11:45
Speaker
So look ahead, what's it going to be like when it's just back to you and your, and your, we say husband, I know we have a few male listeners. What's it's going to be like when it's back to the time where it's just you and your spouse again, like.
00:11:58
Speaker
Do you look forward to that? Have you made plans for that? Is that kind of a scary thought? Like are the kids kind of a buffer between you? It's just kind of this looking ahead and then planning ahead for that. Yeah, there is a reason that unfortunately a large percentage of marriages end right around when the kids leave home because all of a sudden the husband and wife look at each other and go,
00:12:18
Speaker
Gosh, what did we even love about each other? What is left of our relationship after we've given so much time and energy to our children for so many years? So do not let that happen to you. I was going to say that an interesting way to do this is to imagine yourself in the future, so say 20 years down the road,
00:12:35
Speaker
and you are looking back at today, what advice would you give yourself if you have that great relationship then? Would you say, don't forget date night? Or yes, I know it's frustrating when he doesn't help with the kids as much as you think he should, but maybe he's got other things on his mind, right? Kind of talk to yourself from this future perspective. I find that really useful. Maybe it sounds crazy, but I am a little, so that's okay.
Maintaining Intimacy and Connection
00:12:55
Speaker
But it helps me to see, oh, look, that's where I'm going is this amazing relationship with my husband when we're empty nesters. And she can maybe kind of give me some of her wisdom back as I think about how would I treat my husband today to end up there, if that makes sense.
00:13:09
Speaker
Okay, number nine, don't forget intimacy. And we have, lucky for you, an entire episode on intimacy in marriage because it can be a subject that we avoid, especially as good Christian women. Nobody wants to talk about sex, right? But we talked about it for you in the whole episode and make sure that it is happening in your marriage. You guys, this is really, really hard sometimes with lots of babies, changing bodies, hormones. But if you need medical help to get things back on track, do that. Go listen to our episode and then go talk to your doctor about hormones if you need to or whatever it takes.
00:13:39
Speaker
But connecting with your husband intimately is essential for a strong marriage. Yes, for both of you. You may not think it for you. Like women don't kind of often have that need as much as men do, but it's there. You need it. And maybe one thing we can mention too is your mindset about intimacy is maybe the first place to start if you're struggling with that. So yeah, go re-listen to that episode. Probably one you should listen to often if you need to.
00:14:08
Speaker
All right, number 10, hold hands in public. This is such a neat way to prioritize your relationship because you know you're married, you don't have to hold hands, everybody knows you're married, but it's going to that prioritizing part of it. We are not only married, we're not only committed, we're not only both here, but we are here together. We're connected, we're together, and just holding hands in public is just a way to
00:14:37
Speaker
I don't know, it goes back to when you first held hands, it was like, I am not too embarrassed in public to hold hands with this person, right? And still, 10, 15, 20, 30 years into our marriage, I am still not too embarrassed to hold your hand. Not that thought anymore, obviously, because you married them, but just a cute little way to prioritize that marriage together in public to others.
00:14:59
Speaker
Yeah, I love that thought to just kind of proclaiming to the world, this is the man that I love, right? And I will also say this, that it helps your relationship to not get too off track because if we, if my husband and I are arguing or just kind of at odds with each other, it's hard to hold hands, right? Like it's more intimate of a movement, I guess, and thing to do than you might think. And so if I'm in a place where I feel comfortable holding my husband
00:15:27
Speaker
husband's hand, then I know that we're good. Does that make sense? Like I could say, throw I love you over my shoulder and still kind of be perturbed about something he did or didn't do. But holding his hand is just a really connecting experience and it just kind of helps me wash away any hard feelings that might be coming up for me.
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah, I think we mentioned in one of our episodes about our marriage episodes, one of the early ones where we were talking about difficult conversations, hold hands through the conversation because we're still going to be connected, going into and coming out of this discussion. Yeah, and it's a reminder that the purpose of this discussion is to stay connected. We're not having a discussion to prove that I'm right or that I know better or we're coming together to overcome this obstacle, and that is a reminder. That's a great tip.
00:16:13
Speaker
Okay, number 11, take trips together. So fun. And we fully understand how difficult this can be with little babies. But where there is a will, there is a way. And there's a way to find a babysitter and there's a way to find the money and there's a way to escape even if it's just to do a day trip at a different town or spend the night at a hotel locally, right? Taking these trips away together can be revolutionary for your relationship.
00:16:39
Speaker
Yes, we are huge fans. My husband and I waited way too long to start taking trips together, but we have episodes for you on how to find a babysitter and about all about these trips. So go listen to those if you need advice. Okay. Number 12, pray together.
00:16:55
Speaker
This one is such, I don't know, probably the number one way to prioritize your relationship because then you're getting outside help to make your relationship a priority. It's not just you and your husband working on it, but you're bringing in the divine influence and the divine guidance to get your relationship back up to the top where it needs to be.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yes, and I would say similarly to holding hands, praying is a very vulnerable thing, right? It's something where you open up all your hopes and dreams and concerns and worries up to God and having your husband listen in on that is a really good way to connect without actually saying anything to each other, right? If that makes sense. Like sometimes my husband will pray for things that I didn't know he was worried about or will be thankful for things that I didn't know were on his mind. Like it's just a really great way of opening up and showing each other
00:17:44
Speaker
what's really on our minds as we ask for help from God together. It's pretty great. Okay. Number 13, discuss your differences in private, meaning not in front of the kids and especially not in front of the people you're on a double date with or your family, your extended family members. Every marriage is going to have differences and troubles and struggles, but that is a private matter between the two of you because once you invite outside opinions, everyone is going to have something to say.
00:18:14
Speaker
and it can really be alarming to the children to see you struggle with things. Yeah, and whoever is looking on their viewpoint of you and your marriage and the health of it changes going into and coming out of that discussion. Okay, number 14, respect your spouse.
00:18:34
Speaker
Respect your spouse like you would a boss, or the governor of your state, or the mayor of your town, or the president, or any respect that you would give somebody else, give that to your spouse. Why not? Why wouldn't you? They're the one that you chose to spend the rest of your life with, so respect them.
00:18:55
Speaker
Along this line, I will offer a caution towards sarcasm. I love humor. My husband and I connect over laughter a lot, but we both have a pretty sarcastic streak. We do that for humor's sake, but sarcasm can turn nasty really quickly. I've noticed that I need to be very cautious when I am feeling a little bit frustrated about something to not use sarcasm because it turns to
00:19:21
Speaker
resentment very quickly. I only use sarcasm as a humorous thing when I'm feeling really, really connected to my spouse. Does that make sense?
00:19:30
Speaker
Yeah. One more thought about respect here is that you could have the thought, well, they don't respect me. Why should I respect them? But keep in mind the thought that you need to be respectable. And so respecting can start with you. And that will make you a respectable person who can be respected. So there's a thought to throw in there for you. Right. If nobody ever respects the other while they're waiting for that, the first person to do it, guess what? It's going to be a really disrespectful marriage forever.
00:19:59
Speaker
And neither one of you are respectable. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. Number 15, regularly talk about when you first met and got engaged or married because these stories are
Reflecting on Relationship Beginnings
00:20:10
Speaker
so fun. And coincidentally, these are really fun stories to tell your kids. My kids love hearing about this. I mean, the older ones are like, oh, gross, first kiss, whatever. But it's really, really helpful to remind yourselves of those initial feelings and just what brought you together. Really fun thing to do.
00:20:27
Speaker
So my husband and I have kept the, from back in the dark ages, we corresponded by email and by letter. And we found recently when most of our kids were at home for a visit, we found, he found digging through some boxes in the basement, a letter that he had written me that he had never sent.
00:20:49
Speaker
And he read that out loud in front of the kids and it was the first time I was hearing this letter. And of course I was remembering what it was like and where we were both at it. And I was actually like crying when he read this letter. It was so sweet. And like it brought this new freshness and like really brought back some of those memories of why? Like remembering those first days and how sweet and special they were.
00:21:15
Speaker
Yeah, you know, my husband and I did something similar. I have a whole binder full of all the emails that we sent to each other that I printed out and yes, some actual physical letters that were written with my hand and a pen. You can imagine that. And it's so fun to read back. And you know what impresses me is how much we talk about the things we love about each other.
00:21:37
Speaker
and none of the things that are frustrating. First of all, we didn't know anything that was frustrating and we weren't living together yet, so that comes later. But when was the last time that I really focused on all the things I love about my husband? That's an exercise that takes a little bit of time and effort sometimes but can be really valuable for your marriage. Okay, so number 16, watch out for them. Watch out for their physical health. Watch out for their emotional health. Watch out for their mental health.
00:22:04
Speaker
Watch out for their spiritual health. Watch out for their sexual health. Watch out for them. Not in a mothering, sort of, you need to go on a diet way, but watch out for them for somebody that you care about, somebody that you love, your soulmate, your special, the most special person to you in the world.
Supporting Each Other's Well-being
00:22:20
Speaker
Watch out for them and keep their health in all areas on, keep tabs on it.
00:22:27
Speaker
Yeah, and their health is right up there next to yours as far as importance goes because any health issues, physical, emotional, mental, that they struggle with, you will also struggle with.
00:22:37
Speaker
And it will probably be harder than your own because you won't have control over that person, right? They still get to make their own decisions. And so when you see warning signs, please help your spouse and suggest, hey, maybe we should go get this checked out. Hey, I'm really concerned about this. Hey, I love you so much and I don't want you to suffer. Let's go figure this out together, right?
00:22:59
Speaker
Okay, number 17, take care of the kids together. And I know so many moms that really struggle with this because they would love to have more help from their spouse and they feel like they don't get it. But remember, there's only so much we can do to control the other person.
00:23:13
Speaker
When we are there doing our work and all we can do is just request, is just to ask, hey, this would really be beneficial to me. Please don't let yourself get to a point where you are just bitter and resentful because you never even make your requests known. I know a lot of friends struggle with that as well. You can make your requests kindly and then hopefully he'll pitch in and you guys can work together to take care of kids, which is a lot of work sometimes.
00:23:39
Speaker
Yeah, that's true, but it is a way to prioritize your relationship because you had the kids together. So taking care of them together. And also go check out our friend Tessa Romero on Instagram because she has some amazing thoughts to replace those thoughts about, you know, he's not helping me enough. Okay. Number 18, have a common goal or a project that you're both working on.
00:24:03
Speaker
This is kind of looking ahead to the time after you raise kids and planning for that. But okay, so how do you work together?
00:24:13
Speaker
How, do you work well together? Do you, is it my way or the highway? Like, you know, how do you work together? So working on a common goal or a project together. Okay. So maybe it's redoing, renovating an area of your house or room in your house. Maybe it's making a meal together, but working together, work and learning how to work together is such so important on prioritizing your relationship. Because it's like, if you had a person you were running a, what's that called? The three legged race with.
00:24:41
Speaker
You guys will practice together, right? It's like in that same vein of thought. This can be a hard one for me because I am a solo learner and doer. So being on a team project is kind of hard for me in general because I'm a punk like that. But that is part of what marriage is here to teach me, right? Is how to work together and how to allow him to show me his talents and me to show him mine.
00:25:06
Speaker
and to help each other with our weaknesses. It's a really powerful thing to consider working together. Number 19, go to bed together. This was a tricky one for me for many years because of the little kids at home, right? I felt like I was on all the time with little kids and then he would get home and we would, you know, have the crazy busy evening dinner routine, put kids to bed, and then I would want to just be alone for a while and stay up late.
00:25:31
Speaker
And so I did finally figure out a way to have both. We would connect together, sometimes in the bedroom, sometimes in the living room, talk about the day, whatever. And then he would go to bed and I would go have some alone time. So there are ways to do this, to have that connection time, even if you need a little more time on your own. So I'm just speaking to the young moms here, because I know that's a struggle sometimes.
00:25:52
Speaker
Yeah, it is. It's like when they're asleep, the kids are asleep is like your only time to do stuff. But yeah, it's really important to go to bed together. There's something about just like ending your day together that's really important.
00:26:10
Speaker
a way to like, like making it happen is, um, and, and like you said, you know, I wasn't always able to do this either when I, when all the kids were young, but it's just like, just try it. Like maybe, maybe a couple of times a week, that's a week. We always go to bed on Tuesday nights together.
00:26:27
Speaker
All right, number 20, make big decisions together. This one's really important because you're a team and you're like, maybe you know exactly how it should be done, but still make the big decisions together because otherwise it's kind of going back to that respect thing that you're not.
00:26:45
Speaker
Like you're not valuing you both as a team. Yeah. Just you, if you work on making the big decisions together, even ones that you don't think are big, like my husband and I put a dollar limit on, you know, so any, any purchase that we're going to make over X amount of dollars, we're going to talk to each other first. Like that was just like a financial, um, big decision that we decided, but you know, like where are you going to live and what kind of car are you going to have? Like big decisions, make those together. You're a team.
00:27:12
Speaker
Yeah, this is super important. And it will require a little bit of work, right? If you both come at a situation from different perspectives and think, oh, no, I shouldn't think we should do
Collaborative Decision-Making and Respect
00:27:21
Speaker
this. I think we should do this. But working them out together is what brings you together. And it doesn't mean you'll always make a compromise. Somebody might end up swinging one way or the other because that's what's going to bring peace to the relationship. But it is an excellent, excellent exercise to work on your marriage. All right.
00:27:38
Speaker
laugh together daily and have some inside jokes. So this is a big one for my husband and I. We really value laughter and my husband is excellent at defusing any situation.
00:27:50
Speaker
When tempers flare at our house, he is almost always the one that will walk in and make some quip that makes everybody laugh and just brings everything back to neutral, which is so helpful, especially for somebody who's a little bit high strung, like, I don't know, me. So having inside jokes with my husband is another really fun way to connect. He'll say one or two things when we see something out and about and we'll just dissolve in laughter because it's something that we both know and kind of share that inside.
00:28:17
Speaker
Yes, yes, and to seek out those things is prioritizing your relationship. Okay, number 22, tell them what you love about them. This is so good. Like, maybe they know it, maybe you know it, but tell them, put it into words, enunciate them. If their love language is words of affirmation, like mine, it's okay if you've already told them before, they want to hear it again. Tell them what you love about them. Why? Get specific. They'll love to hear it.
00:28:44
Speaker
Yes, and on this note, I would also suggest asking your spouse what it is that you guys do together that makes them feel the most connected with you. So I actually asked my spouse this the other day in preparation for this episode, and I asked them what the top three things were because I was just curious. And they were actually really surprising. Well, let's be honest, two were surprising, one was not. But just to kind of open up your eyes, oh, I didn't know he valued that so much. Oh, I should be doing that more often because it's important to him, right?
00:29:14
Speaker
Okay, number 23, always defend your spouse in front of others. So this goes back to being respectful to them and keeping your own differences private because when you start airing grievances towards your spouse with someone else, things go off the rails very quickly. And so I decided early on that if someone was going to say anything about my spouse that wasn't complimentary, that I was going to defend them.
00:29:38
Speaker
And it doesn't mean that you can't say, oh, geez, yeah, I wish that XYZ, but really watch yourself there and make sure that anyone listening to the conversation would know that you have his back. Yeah.
00:29:51
Speaker
Yeah, so important, so important. It starts when they're not there, like, oh, they would never hear it, but you would feel it. They would feel it. They know, and you know if your spouse says you're back. How do you want your spouse to talk about you? Do you want them to defend you to their buddies in the locker room? Of course. Of course. You want them to stick up for you.
00:30:10
Speaker
So I will say one more thing about this and you may have heard this concept, but when you, let's say you're talking to a sister-in-law and you're complaining about your spouse, you might just be having a hard day or you're going through a phase where he's doing things that are frustrating to you. You will go back and patch that up with your spouse, but your sister-in-law will never know the resolution to that disagreement.
00:30:30
Speaker
So she will always have something in her head saying, that guy's kind of a jerk. That guy doesn't really help out, or whatever it was that you complained about. And so when you keep it private, it allows your relationship to evolve without planting these seeds of discontent in other people's minds. It's none of their business, so don't give them something to think about. Yes. Okay. Number 24, check your thoughts about your spouse. You think that your thoughts are private, so it doesn't matter what they are, and at least you can gripe in your thoughts.
00:31:01
Speaker
But guys, it's not helpful. It's not helping you. Like, is this thought helping me prioritize my relationship with my spouse? Is this thought helping me love my spouse more? Is this thought taking me toward where I wanna be with my spouse? How would I feel or if my spouse was thinking this kind of thought about me? So, work, your thoughts, work on those.
00:31:26
Speaker
Yeah, and remember that your actions are determined by your thoughts. So if you think you can show up lovingly while thinking, he's such a jerk, I can't believe he did this, you cannot. You can try to fool people, but it doesn't really work. So you want to have, you want to act loving, you have to think loving thoughts.
00:31:42
Speaker
Okay, finally, number 25, don't forget, now we talk about this a lot, but don't forget to prioritize your own interests and happiness. When you rely on your spouse to do it for you, it becomes a codependent marriage and not a functional, beautiful relationship, okay? So you can't prioritize the marriage unless you are first taking care of yourself.
00:32:05
Speaker
Yes. That is so true. So if you're dependent on them for happiness, they can't make you happy. And you can't make you happy and they can't make you happy. It's going to be rough. Nobody can make you happy. I know. I know. So go listen to our episode. If you're confused about what we mean about this one, go listen to our episode about how to be ... What is the title? Something about how to be a strong independent woman in a healthy marriage.
00:32:28
Speaker
Yes. We'll look at it in the show notes. Yeah. Yeah. But you, you want to, just like you want them, like they were a whole person before you got, you guys met and you were a whole person before they met. And so don't become half a person once, once you get married. It wouldn't be very interesting actually. So retain your own interests and, and happiness. You can do that for them.
00:32:56
Speaker
Okay, final thoughts here, you guys. We threw a ton of stuff at you, but it's so important. We believe it's so important to prioritize your relationship because it makes your life so much easier. The reason you got married is because you want it to be loved and the best way you want it to feel loved and the best and only way to feel loved is to feel it.
00:33:22
Speaker
toward another person. You can't actually feel someone's, it's not a physical, tangible thing that you can feel. So the best first way to feel love is to love somebody else. So prioritizing your relationship with your spouse, loving them, working on that is just as much for you as it is for them. It's for you both.
00:33:42
Speaker
Yes, I'm so glad you ended with that. I feel like it's pretty common in the world for people to say, well, if something isn't working for you, just bail. And Audrey and I don't believe that that is true. We believe that you have all the control over your own emotions and happiness in life. And so if you want to be happy in your marriage, you can be, regardless of what your spouse does, but you must prioritize your marriage and you must do everything in your power to show up as the kind of spouse you want to be.
00:34:08
Speaker
And maybe your spouse will eventually be the spouse you wish he were, and maybe he won't. But it doesn't matter, because you showing up the way you want to show up is the best way to find that happiness in your marriage, regardless of what anybody else does. I know it's a strange concept, but we promise that's how it works. That's it for today's episode, you guys. We hope one of these or more was helpful to you. Let us know, and we'll talk to you next week. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. And we're outnumbered.
00:34:39
Speaker
Thanks for listening friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
00:35:05
Speaker
Oh my word. Ladybugs, it's ladybug season there. My kids would go crazy. They love ladybugs. You probably don't so much, but not when there's like, you can see right here. Then one lands on your face when you're trying to podcast. Seriously.