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Fix Your Marriage in 3 Steps {Episode 213}
606 Plays2 years ago
Looking for some solid advice on improving your marriage? In Episode 213 of Outnumbered the Podcast, Bonnie and Audrey share 3 tried and true steps to improving your marriage. Whether your marriage is in trouble and you're looking to fix your marriage, or just hoping to make it even better, you'll find help here.
Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 187: Humility vs Self-Loathing
Episode 186: What I'd Tell a Younger Me about Self Care
Episode 108: Getting Dressed for Moms
Episode 85: Self Care for Busy Moms
Episode 64: Body Image as Moms
Episode 50: Post Pregnancy Fitness
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos. Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion. Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience, these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, we're back and we are ready to talk to you about another one in our marriage series We're calling this episode be the person you want to be married to and we have three Steps that you can take to improve and make your marriage successful. Are you ready? Let's go
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
00:00:48
Speaker
Okay everybody, we're back with episode 213 and it's another one in our marriage series. This one's a little bit different than our previous marriage series. But first of all, Bonnie has some humor to get us started off on the right foot.
00:01:02
Speaker
Yeah. Audrey and I are both fans of humor in marriages. We think that if you can't make each other laugh, then what's even the point? It's got to be pretty boring. My husband loves scaring people and he loves startling family members and some of the kids love it and some of us don't. You can do a camp I live in. Maybe it's because after all these kids, I have less bladder control than I'd like. But anyway,
Humorous Anecdotes in Marriage
00:01:26
Speaker
early on in our marriage, I was very pregnant with our first child
00:01:31
Speaker
And he had gotten on my case before about leaving the car unlocked. We didn't have a garage. We lived in a townhouse. And so it was just a carport along with all the other townhome residents. And every now and again, I would come in and out and not lock my car because I was just going to come right back out or whatever. So one night it was dark. I was going somewhere and I left the house, unlocked my car and then I saw my neighbor out. And so I went over to talk to my neighbor for a while and then I came back and I got in the car
00:01:57
Speaker
and started it and he jumped out of the back seat and screamed. It scared me. I literally don't know how I didn't give birth in that seat because it scared me so bad I wanted to kill him. I was so mad and he was like, I'm just trying to teach you a lesson. Don't unlock your car. I could be a murderer. I was like, I'm going to murder you, okay? Could you ever do that to me again in my delicate condition? Oh my goodness. That reminds me of that time. We could laugh about it now.
00:02:27
Speaker
That reminds me of the time when we were first married. We lived on this house way out in the country on 200 acres, and we had some kind of creepy neighbors down the road.
00:02:43
Speaker
I always skipped the door locked because I was young and newly married and I didn't really like get the good vibes off this creepy neighbor down the road. So one day my husband came home for lunch and he came in the laundry room door. I was doing laundry and he came in the laundry room door and I wasn't expecting him. It was, you know, I thought he was at work.
00:03:04
Speaker
And he jumped at me and he said, boo. He just jumped out and said, boo. And I threw the laundry basket at him and followed it with a punch, which I pulled right as I saw that it was him. And then jumped into his arms, crying. He's like,
Theme: Personal Responsibility in Marriage
00:03:20
Speaker
oh dear, you do this to me. I thought you were the creepy neighbor here to kill me. I was like, you're so lucky I pulled that punch because you almost got him.
00:03:36
Speaker
Goodness. All right. So let's get back on topic here. I know, right? So we're calling this episode, I'll get him to know what to call it to help our SEO, like people find this episode, but we're calling it like, be the person that you want to be married to.
00:03:51
Speaker
Most of our marriage series so far has been about ways you can make your marriage better. And we're kind of been going on the assumption that both you and your spouse are wanting to improve it. You've got a good marriage and you want it just to become a better marriage and you're working both toward that. But what if there's a day or a week or a month or a year, a marriage that you, you're the only one trying to improve your marriage or
00:04:16
Speaker
is that the thought that you have, that you're the only one trying in the marriage. So is it possible to improve the marriage if only one person works on it? And we're kind of taking that thought here and doing an episode about that. Yeah, yeah, totally. I think that this is a little bit of a poisonous thought to think that in order for marriage to work, both have to give 100%, right? And we'll talk about this in a second.
00:04:47
Speaker
taking back control for your own life and your own happiness is so empowering, but it requires work. And so that's kind of why we hesitate to do it. Like as human beings, we're like, oh, that sounds hard. If he would just change, it would make everything so much easier. But it wouldn't because you would still be stuck with your own thoughts and your own poisonous issues. And the fact of the matter is you have to take responsibility. We each have to take responsibility for the lives that we want. So that's what we're talking about today.
00:05:13
Speaker
We know that we've talked about the golden rule, right? The basic thing that we teach all our three-year-olds, if you don't want to be hit, don't hit your brother, right? And it's as simple as that in marriage, right? Just choosing who you want to be in your marriage and showing up as that person can drastically change the marriage in general. Because even though there's two people involved in it, it just takes one to change it.
00:05:37
Speaker
So you're right. Much of marriage, advice marriage is based on a 50-50 scenario. The idea of it takes two. But as you've probably discovered in your marriage and in your life, life has ups and downs. Sometimes you feel like trying. Sometimes you feel like improving things and sometimes you don't. And the same holds true for your spouse. So we're going to talk about like what to do
00:06:03
Speaker
on those days where I guess we're taking this episode from the point of view, if you feel like you're the only one trying because well, we'll talk about why that in a minute. All right.
Three Steps to Improve Marriage
00:06:14
Speaker
So we're going to break this topic into three steps that will for sure make your marriage successful. Um, three, three things that you can do. So let's get started.
00:06:25
Speaker
Yeah. So number one is our thoughts. We talk about thoughts all the time because they're so powerful and it's how we start and implement any change in our life. It's with our brain, right? So if a successful marriage depends on both parties and only one or your brain is telling you that only one of you is working on it, then you become a victim. I'm the only one that cares. I'm the only one that tries and on and on and on. These drama filled stories that we tell ourselves, right? I'm the only one that does anything around here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm such a victim.
00:06:59
Speaker
In that instance, really, it makes you powerless. Your hands are tied. There's nothing you can do about it because I'm doing everything I can do. If he would just help, then things would be better. If he would just communicate better, if he would just talk to me more, if he would just hug me more, right? It puts you into this super disempowered state, even though in your mind, your mind is telling you you're doing everything you can possibly do. But just those thoughts are really poisonous. It's a really unhealthy mindset to be stuck in.
00:07:16
Speaker
What was me, right?
00:07:28
Speaker
Yes, that's right. We know that when we start thinking things like that, then our brain starts looking for things that back up that thought, that make that thought true. So if we think, I'm the only one who does anything around here, then the next time we're doing anything, doing the dishes or something, our brain is going, see? See? See? Yeah. Right. And conversely, when you're in that mindset, there's a lot
00:07:56
Speaker
Your brain is really creative, right? So let's say your husband does step in and start doing things. Your brain, if you're still in that same negative poisonous mindset, can often go to, oh, what does he want?
00:08:08
Speaker
He just wants sexy time or he just wants this or whatever. That's the only reason he's helping. And it ends up being lose, lose. There's nothing he can do because your brain just keeps feeding you this loop of, I'm the only one that cares, I'm the only one doing what she's supposed to be doing, et cetera, right? It's just self-perpetuating. It's super toxic. Okay, so a much healthier mindset we encourage you to adopt today. Right now, this minute is, I have the power to make my marriage successful.
00:08:38
Speaker
Yes. Like what a difference from, I'm the only one that ever does anything around here. I'm the only one that tries, right? Even if you really feel that that's true, it's okay. You get to try to believe, I have the power to make my marriage successful. And if you can shift into that or something similar, super, super empowering. So if you're here listening to this episode, we can assume that you believe your marriage is worth working on, right? If
00:09:02
Speaker
If you're not sure about that, just think about the opposite scenario. Is that what you want? Ask if you want that to be your reality. And if not, then there is so much that you can do. I will say this. In the world today, it is not really a popular thought to take responsibility for your actions. I know that sounds silly because it's what we teach our children every day, but it's not popular. It's popular to think.
00:09:27
Speaker
Well, if you would just change, things would be so much better, right? The fact of the matter is, there's literally no one else that can make you happy. It's impossible for another person to change your
00:09:38
Speaker
happiness level. I know it doesn't seem that way because somebody does something and we immediately think something about it, et cetera. But you think about the things that you're... Think about your husband's quirky, we say husband, but if you're one of the couple of men we love that listens to your wife, think about the quirky habits that your spouse has that you loved when you first dated and you just thought it was so cute and fun and quirky and now they drive you crazy and he does it and you're like, I want to smack that look right off your face. It's just
00:10:05
Speaker
being overly familiar with each other, it's just the change of story in your head, right? Now, all of a sudden, those cute quirks are annoying habits because you've seen them a thousand times and you've decided to think that they're annoying habits, right? So, if you really, truly believe that nobody else can make you happy, then you have to take responsibility for that and believe that you have the power to do it yourself.
00:10:27
Speaker
Yes. And once you flip the script here, even if you just start saying the words, I have the power to make my marriage successful, your creative brain is going to start looking for ways that you can make your marriage successful. So your husband does something and your brain is going to say, uh-huh. See? See? You could reward him. You could thank him. You could love him. You could
00:10:52
Speaker
It's going to start feeding you these creative ideas of the ways that you could make your marriage successful just by saying those words. Your brain is going to start looking for a way to prove those things true. It's crazy. Crazy, incredibly powerful for you to change your thoughts.
00:11:10
Speaker
And so often we talk about like you have to change to a believable thought. Just here, just try it because we say you can. Try believing it because Bonnie and Audrey said you can change, you have the power to make your marriage successful. Believe it because we
Self-Love and Its Impact on Marriage
00:11:25
Speaker
believe it for you. And start there because then your brain is gonna start looking for ways to prove it true and you're gonna be well on your way to believing it yourself, making your marriage successful.
00:11:37
Speaker
Okay, so after your thoughts, we need to talk about your feelings. Number two, your feelings. Second step is work on your feelings. So start by loving yourself. How can you ask your spouse to love you if you don't love you?
00:11:55
Speaker
I know that's really hard. But if you don't like yourself, you're not going to believe that your spouse likes you because you don't think you're a likable person. You don't even like yourself. And same for love. How can you feel that you believe that your spouse loves you? If you don't love yourself, you're not believing that you're a lovable person. So you've got to start loving yourself.
00:12:17
Speaker
Oh yeah, you guys know we're so passionate about this concept. We have quite a few episodes about self-care, body image, self-love. We'll link as many as we can in the show notes. But if you feel terrible about yourself, you will never be able to gain any ground in your marriage. Number one, because it's really awful to be married to somebody who hates themselves. Can you imagine just someone who's always, you know, woe is me and I'm so terrible and nothing works out for me? Like Debbie Downer, right? Nobody wants to be married to that.
00:12:45
Speaker
And number two, you will be constantly looking to your spouse to make you feel better about yourself. That's called codependency. You don't want that. You want to be a full, whole, perfect person. Well, imperfect, but a complete person within a marriage to another complete person so that you can both search for your happiness separately and then come together as two whole, happy people, if that makes sense, right? You cannot be looking to him to fill up your cup of self-love. It won't work.
00:13:15
Speaker
Yeah, think about back when you and your spouse first met. So you were not happy because they were making you happy, right? You just met or you'd never met like the first time you met, right? So you were a complete person and they were a complete person and you were attracted to those to that complete person and they were attracted to you as a complete person. So you get into that whole co-dependency loop and
00:13:43
Speaker
it doesn't work anymore because it's only one complete person. Yeah. So if you want to feel loved, and we all do, that's like, some people have said that's the reason people get married is because they want to be loved, feel loved. So if you want to feel loved, love yourself, start with loving yourself. And so Bonnie and I have done a whole episode about humility versus self-loathing is what we
00:14:10
Speaker
what we talked about, what we titled it. You are not being prideful if you love yourself. I promise. The Bible talks about loving yourself.
00:14:20
Speaker
God loves himself. Jesus loved himself. You have to do that. It's part of it. So please, if you're confused about what we mean by this, go listen to that episode. But when we do love ourselves, then our cup is full and that starts spilling over. It can spill over into love for others. Bonnie, you've used this analogy before about pouring out of a cup that's empty. You can't.
00:14:45
Speaker
can't pour out of the cup. It's empty. Your cup has to be full and overflowing, and then it can have an effect on others. All right.
Positive Actions and Personal Control
00:14:53
Speaker
So the third thing, third way in order for us to care for our marriage ourselves is through our actions, right? Usually that's kind of immediately where we go to is those actions, but our thoughts and feelings have to come first because it's really hard to change your actions from a place of
00:15:08
Speaker
anger or poisonous thoughts, right? So once we get to actions, we get to only focus on our own. It's really honestly a burden lifted when all of a sudden we realize, you know what? What he does does not matter. I mean, to a certain extent, obviously we're not condoning abusive marriages, but you don't have to worry about what he does or doesn't do. You get to just worry about you. And that is super empowering and just
00:15:35
Speaker
kind of makes you feel a little bit lighter realizing, oh, this is all up to me, right? All you have to do is treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.
00:15:44
Speaker
right? And maybe even better, right? Like I'm actually pretty low maintenance, but I'm going to go above and beyond because I'm going to show him just how much I love him, even if I'm not feeling it in the moment, right? Because that happens all the time. Like my thoughts aren't always going to be perfect. I did want to share one concept that we talk about in coaching a lot and that is the concept of mirroring. So let's say your spouse is having a bad day and you're not.
00:16:06
Speaker
and he comes home from work and he's like frustrated and he's slamming cabinets and he's kind of raising his voice at the kids and immediately your good mood goes down the drain and you immediately start doing the same thing. You start maybe raising your voice a little bit, maybe getting a little terse with him.
00:16:21
Speaker
And all of a sudden you realize, why am I acting like this? Because you're just mirroring the same emotions and actions that you see him doing. It's really easy to do, but there's no need for it. If we spend a lot of time and effort on making sure that our thoughts and feelings are loving towards our spouse, then we have to be really careful to not fall into that trap up.
00:16:42
Speaker
mirroring his bad behavior when that happens, right? Because we all have our days. Instead to think, oh shoot, he could use some extra love today because it looks like he had a bad day. Not make it personal, not take it on yourself, but allow it to be kind of a service opportunity.
00:16:57
Speaker
Yes, that is so true. I want you to back up for a second and say that if we start on step number three here, our actions, and we haven't worked on our thoughts and feelings first, then our thoughts and feelings are still going to be working against us. Like for example, they'll be telling us, you're being a hypocrite. You're a fraud. You don't really love your spouse or they don't really love you. Like all these negative things are still going to be working against you. So it's really important to do steps one and two.
00:17:24
Speaker
thoughts and the feelings. And now your your spouse might not notice that you have been working on your thoughts and your feelings first. And it might take you a couple months, it might take you a couple years to go through the thoughts and feelings part before you get to the actions part. But when you get there,
00:17:42
Speaker
you will do it from a place of so much love and honesty, genuine, that it will have an effect. So for a marriage, the foundational way to treat your spouse is the way you want to be treated with love. That's why you got married, isn't it? Because you wanted to love your spouse, you wanted them to love you. So if you treat your spouse with any other way than love,
00:18:09
Speaker
then you're working against the whole reason, what marriage is it about?
00:18:14
Speaker
Right, right. And once again, just like we were talking about the feelings and making ourselves happy, we only get to choose how we're treating our spouse, not the other way around, right? We have no control over the kind of person they show up as, but we have all the control over the kind of person we show up as. All of it. Even if he consistently shows up as a total jerk, you get to still consistently show up as a wonderful person. Isn't that amazing? It takes work for sure because you want to just
00:18:44
Speaker
be mad right back, right? Or you kind of want to be a jerk right back. But think for a second about the days and weeks and months that have been difficult for you or you have for sure not acted out of a pure love for your spouse and think about when they have reciprocated out of love. How powerful that is to help you pull you out of your funk or help you realize that you are worthy of love even if maybe you're not feeling it, right?
00:19:07
Speaker
And so that is what a marriage is about. It is not about going in and just saying, well, I'm ready for you to make me happy. What are you going to do about it? You're going to make me a nice sinner? It's about going in, like you said, Audrey, as a whole person who is capable of making her or himself happy,
00:19:23
Speaker
without the other person and then helping them through their hard times as well. That is the true magic of it. It's amazing when it works like that, right? The last thing I want to say about this is we do have probably one thing that we can do. Basically, the one thing that we can do to change their behavior legally is end the marriage, right? A divorce. But short of that, there's nothing you can do
00:19:46
Speaker
to control your spouse's actions, even then you can't put the lock and step in is what I'm saying, right? So just think about that. Lots of us try to think that, well, if we just manipulate them a little bit, then they'll change this way or that way. It just doesn't work. We cannot force them to do anything. We can only act on ourselves. Yes, that is so true. Thinking about the example you gave where your spouse comes in and they've obviously had a bad day and they're acting, the sliming the doors, the yelling of the kids, whatever.
00:20:15
Speaker
something that has really helped me is to say in my mind, if I was in, in their shoes, if I was behaving this way, what would I be feeling and how would I want to be treated? And then it's like, Oh, how about fix them a good supper? How about send the kids outside to get the noise level down? How about just a hug? How about I love you? How about I'm so sorry you had a day that is making you feel like this.
00:20:42
Speaker
Like that's how I would want to be treated if I was feeling just rotten. And I wouldn't want to be treated like I'm being a rotten person. Because I already know I'm being a rotten person. And so I would just want the total love to come out.
00:21:02
Speaker
What's interesting is we tend to behave the worst when we make their behavior about us, right? And like we're trying to kind of drill into ourselves here. We can only control ourselves. So when your spouse is behaving badly, if you could just not make it about you and realize this is all about them and what they're thinking and feeling and experiencing today, then you can still show up from this place of love. And yeah, come give them a hug. Honey, it seems like you're having a really rough day. What can I do to help you? Do you need some quiet time in the room? Do you want me to feed the kids alone?
00:21:31
Speaker
Like you said, imagine how you would feel if that were you. And probably immediately I would snap out of it and go, no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm sorry. I'm behaving this way, right? And just try
Philosophies and Analogies for Marriage Improvement
00:21:40
Speaker
to mirror that good behavior.
00:21:42
Speaker
Right, right. Yeah, that's so true. I consider my husband and I to have a very good, strong marriage, and we're both always trying to work on our marriage. And so recently we discovered the Marriage Foundation. Paul Friedman founded the Marriage Foundation, and we're just huge fans because he is a proponent of marriage.
00:22:03
Speaker
More than that, he's a huge proponent of saving marriages that are like in trouble. And he has this idea that one spouse can save the marriage. It doesn't take two. One spouse can do it. And so he uses an analogy that I just want to share here because it's really powerful, really helpful. So let's say that you and your husband, you and your spouse are each standing on one side of
00:22:30
Speaker
a river, a stream, and you want to get closer together, well, a bridge has to be built, right? So if you start building a bridge and you both work on it from each side, then the bridge will get built faster. But if only one person builds the bridge,
00:22:47
Speaker
It's going to take a little longer, but the bridge is still going to get built and you will end up the end result will be that you're closer together. That's one analogy that I really like because what we're doing with all these things that we're talking about today is we're really working on and changing ourselves. And that is that is so powerful.
00:23:10
Speaker
Yeah, I love that bridge analogy because if you think about it, I mean, that could be a thought that you use when your spouse shows up with some bad behavior or you're just not feeling love from them, right? You could just say, today's the day I build the bridge or this is the week or this is the month or even this is the year that I build the bridge because he is struggling with whatever the issue is. Super duper powerful. I love that.
00:23:36
Speaker
So one action that I like to do, and this actually starts with my thoughts, but I like to think of those early years when we first met and were dating. Some of us look back with nostalgia to those years because it was so easy to love, right? Because we didn't know any of the quirks or the bad behavior. We hadn't been together. Everything was so new and fresh and so exciting, right? And so in order to kind of recreate those days, I just like to tell myself,
00:24:03
Speaker
Remember, you're obsessed with your husband. This is how I show that
Gratitude, Maturity, and Support
00:24:06
Speaker
I'm obsessed with my husband. How can I focus on that? What can I do to show him that I'm obsessed with him? How can I recreate that excitement and that love of those early days? It's really fun. One action that I really like to do is to actively look for good in my spouse. Find at least one good thing to say every single day in addition to, I love you. Of course, you have to say, I love you, but then look for one good thing.
00:24:33
Speaker
Thank you for being a good provider. Thank you for loving our kids. Thank you for, you know, bringing me home jalapeno poppers. My husband does that. It's like just a tiny thing or a big thing. And just look for one good thing. Looking for good things. It's again, using that brain, that creative brain power to find the good. Okay, I want to see some good in my husband's brain. Okay, get on it. Let's go.
00:24:59
Speaker
Yeah. And in the end, you guys, this is just emotional adulthood, right? This is what we're trying to remember, that we are emotionally adults and then we get to treat each other like another adult would treat each other, right? So we don't tend to forget this with our children. Like when's the last time you got on the floor and had a tantrum with your three-year-old? I mean, it can happen. I get it. Whatever. But it's not often, right? Generally, you recognize that I'm the adult in this situation. I have to maintain my calm. I have to show him that everything's okay and that I'm here and that I love him no matter what.
00:25:29
Speaker
With our spouses, it's different. For some reason, because they're another adult, we think, well, if they're going to throw a tantrum, I'm going to throw a tantrum, right? We kind of like both revert to emotional childhood together, and it's not healthy at all. For us to maintain that maturity is so powerful and to just say, I'm so sorry you're having a hard day.
00:25:47
Speaker
Literally how you would talk to a young child. I mean, don't talk down to your spouse, but like, I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. What can I do to help you? Instead of slamming cabinets right back and, well, if we're going to be mad, let's be mad. You have to maintain that peace, that adulthood, that maturity that you know how to access in order to benefit the marriage as a whole. And your spouse will be so grateful for it because I know I'm so grateful for it when my spouse was up for me.
00:26:14
Speaker
Yes. Okay. Those, those are such good things. So my final thoughts here are about empowerment. You have the ability to make your marriage better. Um, you know, putting aside that your marriage is not in an abusive or terrible situation where there's, um, something extremely awful going on. You have the power to make your marriage better. I have the power to make my marriage better. And that is so empowering. And here's another thing that, you know, Bonnie and I are both really, really spiritual people and.
00:26:44
Speaker
you are trying to do something that is biblically sound like make your marriage better you will have spiritual help you will not be trying to do that alone you will have help and one last thing that I always try to keep in mind is I've got I've got a child that's married I've got kids that are dating I've got a bunch more looking on at my marriage and they will be either actively
00:27:12
Speaker
patterning their marriage on mine or using their parents' marriage as an example of what not to do and be in a marriage. And I kind of get
Conclusion and Encouragement
00:27:21
Speaker
to have control or influence that, what they think. And I just want to exemplify the best marriage possible for my kids. And then let's be honest here. What could go wrong in trying to make your marriage more happy, more successful? I mean, the sky's the limit. Let's go for it.
00:27:42
Speaker
Thanks so much for listening this week, guys. We hope these tips have been helpful. I'm Bonnie. I'm Audrey, and we're outnumbered. Thanks for listening, friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
00:28:07
Speaker
Oh my gosh, speaking of, I'm looking at sensory processing. I tried to tell somebody about that episode. Oh, humility versus self-loathing. Yes, here we go. Tried to tell somebody about that episode. I couldn't come up with sensory processing for like three hours. I'm like, what is that called? That thing went... Anyway, I decided to know about my dumb brain. I was like, I did a whole episode about it. Would I know what it's called? No, don't remember.