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Redefining Success: Overcoming Anxiety and Embracing Well-being
113 Plays7 months ago
Hey everyone - Travis here - and today, I'm thrilled to welcome Marcus FIlly to The Integrated Man Project! Marcus is an accomplished health and fitness coach with a rich background in coaching and formal education. After moving away from traditional medical school, Marcus has carved a niche for himself in the health and fitness world, becoming a widely recognized figure on social media platforms like Instagram.
**Key Points and Highlights from the Episode:**
1. **Transition from Medicine to Coaching:** Marcus shares his enlightening journey from aspiring to integrate holistic practices in medicine to finding his true passion in the fitness industry. It's a deep dive into pursuing what truly fulfills you, even if that means a drastic career change.
2. **Impact of Social Narratives:** We explore how the stories we tell ourselves can shape our motivations and fears. Marcus personal anecdote about shifting from being driven to feeling weighed down by anxiety underscores the power of internal narratives.
3. **Holistic Health and Balance:** A significant part of our discussion focuses on the importance of incorporating mental, physical, spiritual, and social health into our lives. Marcus talks about his own experiences with therapy and self-improvement, and how these have profoundly impacted his relationships and personal growth.
**Challenge Question:**
How can we better recognize when societal pressures and personal narratives are holding us back, and what proactive steps can we take to rewrite those narratives for a healthier mindset?
Stay tuned as we unpack these topics and much more with Marcus Filly on this impactful episode of The Integrated Man Project!
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IG: marcusfilly
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YouTube: Travis Goodman
Instagram: @integratedmanproject
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Transcript
Building the Integrated Man Project Community
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's episode of the Integrated Man Project podcast. Before we jump into this week's episode, I did want to share about an exclusive membership I want to be launching to help shape the Integrated Man Project community. If this is something you'd be interested in, where you will be co-laboring with me, sharing your ideas, giving input, giving me feedback, part of kind of this process of creating something bigger and better for all men,
00:00:27
Speaker
I would love for you to join. And if this is something you're interested, please reach out to me, email me at integratedmanproject at gmail.com. You could also send me a direct message on Instagram as well or on LinkedIn. I would love for you to reach out to me. I would love for you to be part of this exclusive group to help again, shape and form this integrated man community.
00:00:50
Speaker
Because as you do this, as we share in this journey together, we're going to create a community of men around the world where we become more grounded, more adaptable, more resilient, and more authentic men. So come on and join. If you're interested in this, please reach out to me. And without further
Guest Introduction: Marcus on Holistic Health
00:01:10
Speaker
ado, let's get into this week's episode.
00:01:19
Speaker
Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the Integrated Man Project podcast. I'm really excited to have this guest on. In fact, just talking with him in the green room, virtual green room, just a moment ago. I'm even more excited because I've known him from observing his work on Instagram and I've been following his stuff and been wanting to meet with him for a while now, given some of the concepts and topics he's talking about.
00:01:46
Speaker
about mental wellness is something he talks about. He's a physical fitness guru, expert, I would say, given his life. But he sprinkles in this other part of being holistically healthy, and that's part of why I want him on. And also having some conversations with him, he just seemed like a really easy talk to guy. And I'm like, hey, this is great. So
Marcus's Fitness Journey and Education
00:02:05
Speaker
before we jump into the topic, I would love for everyone to say hi to Marcus and have Marcus say hi and introduce himself.
00:02:11
Speaker
Thanks for that introduction alone, Travis. I appreciate being on. And like you said, this little chat we had before we hit the record button got me more excited for this podcast than I even was coming in. So I think it's important to kind of give the audience the context of my sort of history as a physical
00:02:29
Speaker
as a physical fitness or a health and fitness coach, which goes back now I'm kind of coming into my 15th year as a professional. I have like a 25 year history of training and sort of like
00:02:45
Speaker
Self exploration self education i've gone through formal education as a coach a number of different avenues with within the health and fitness world most. You know very experienced coaches they get their start and their study starts with themselves like i'm a thirteen year old kid who wants to go and build muscle.
00:03:04
Speaker
and goes to the local gym and this was in, well, 25 years ago. So, you know, in 1999 is my first time in Gold's gym and near my hometown. And, you know, the resources that we had access to to learn were magazines, the bigger, stronger guy at the gym, you know, it's kind of like this mystery black box of like, well, what do you do in fitness? And you're reading muscle magazines and you're reading things that generally are
00:03:31
Speaker
from people that at the time I didn't realize it's like very enhanced athletes and people that don't really represent what I was chasing and who I was. So it was like a hard journey in the first few years to really have access to good information as compared to today, where I see myself and I can accept that I am an educator to a lot of individuals out there who didn't have, who otherwise might not have access to good information.
00:03:59
Speaker
Didn't have access to good information when I was a teenager trying to learn how to lift weights to put on muscle.
00:04:04
Speaker
in a smart, intelligent way that would last me my life with good nutrition, good training principles, and good lifestyle practices. So it's just kind of been this long journey of self-experimentation, formal education, experience as an athlete, as a coach, going through a lot of different styles of fitness, and then honoring that I am the person that I wish I could have looked up on Instagram,
00:04:32
Speaker
when I was 13
Career Shift: From Medical School to Fitness
00:04:33
Speaker
and trying to lift weights and to become this man that I wanted to become. And so now, it's not that I just speak to a male audience, I have a female audience, but to me, it's like, what is something that I would say to my younger self is what I'm sharing right now of value to that younger person. And even when it's topics that are around, you know,
00:04:58
Speaker
being an adult, being a father, being in relationships, like handling adult life stresses. I still try and think about it through the context of like, how would I have integrated this into who I am as a younger man so that, you know, I would be more well equipped to handle some of the challenges and things that I couldn't have foreseen in the future. But that's, that's me. I'm a health and fitness coach who in 2000 left
00:05:24
Speaker
like a traditional allopathic medical school, dropped out to go and pursue a health and fitness career. And that was training people one-on-one. And in 2010, 11, Instagram kind of took off. And I became somebody who was, in the last 12 years, I went from somebody who was like, my life is gonna be training people in person and opening up a gym to, well, I can broadcast my message globally.
00:05:52
Speaker
through social media and people resonate with it and they want my support and this is how I can support, this is what I can do to support them. Yeah. Instagram, it's a funny Instagram. I don't think I was on Instagram back then. I think I was, I think I was, but I wasn't really doing anything with it. I think back then, because back then it was just a photo only platform, right? Correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah. Yeah. I did it. I think I started uploading videos and like,
00:06:17
Speaker
2012, 2013, um, that were like just my training journey. Okay. Cause I was, I was competing in a, in CrossFit sport on the international kind of stage. And so I have people that were interested like, Hey, what's, you know, could you imagine like if LeBron James was like posting Instagram videos of his workouts every day or, you know, like, Oh, it would have blown up. Yeah. Yeah.
00:06:39
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, that was the kind of thing I was doing at the time. Not that I had any star power like that, but I mean, people who followed the sport wanted to know, what are the best people in the sport doing? And I was, that's what I was doing. Yeah, and at the time you were one of the elite CrossFit athletes back, and that was back in 2010 when that was kind of your peak? 2010 to 2016, that was my career. And so peak years
Redefining Success and Coping with Stress
00:07:03
Speaker
were in the final years before I retired.
00:07:07
Speaker
Okay, and I'm curious what what what shifted you from more traditional medicine formal education to like the like more the coaching because seems like there was a decision point like I'd rather do this and something shifted in there from like more traditional to this.
00:07:20
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like in the context of this integrated man, you know, project, I had like an integrated health mindset going into medical school. So the, the form, you know, the, the formal process of applying to us medical schools is, you know, obviously undergraduate prerequisites grades.
00:07:41
Speaker
MCAT scores and then personal statement, personal statement. The prompt is why do you want to be a doctor essentially? Yeah. And so my, my personal statement was, I want to integrate many aspects of health inside of whatever practice I have as a, as a MD. Yeah. I want to integrate
00:08:04
Speaker
nutrition, mental health, movement, traditional diagnostic, symptom-based approach to medicine to basically have access to sick, sick people and be able to like, I can manage their symptoms effectively enough so that they can engage in a healthy behavioral approach to getting well. So that was me going in. And then when I got in, it was,
00:08:30
Speaker
You know, it was, we were on the, I think medicine was on the cusp of having, you know, obviously this was, uh, 2008, I matriculated into medical school. So, you know, 14 years ago, 15, 16 years ago, there was not, you know, functional medicine or, you know, traditional docs who were, you know, standing up on their soap boxes and talking about diet and movement, you know, like the, the Peter Atias of the world.
00:08:56
Speaker
were not there at the time in as big a way. So it was kind of like we were still in that paradigm of, you know, we're basically just kind of treating illnesses with symptom management. And I was like, damn, this is going to be super hard. Like I don't really have, there's not mentors, there's not an environment that feels inspiring and motivating to keep pushing this. And it's so hard and demanding.
00:09:22
Speaker
And I was losing a part of myself in that process that I just was like, all I see for the next eight years of my medical education is me slowly losing my vision, conforming to the model. And I just didn't want that at the time. Like I wanted to, I really saw a life for myself that was one of, you know, chasing what I truly desire, not just like.
00:09:48
Speaker
accepting that this is the way and I'm just going to do it because I know I can do it. Well, like I can do it, you know, quote unquote, like I can get good grades. Like I can be at the top of this. Like I know how to study. I know how to do the thing, but it just felt empty. So that was where I was like, it was just a risk. It was a, it was a scary time. Cause I was like, I just can't see myself doing this thing. I got to make a change. And I'm very grateful. I did.
00:10:13
Speaker
But it was like, you know, it was like the dark. It was like, you know, it was a traumatic time in my life. The very dark period of like, what have I done? So like a lot of doubt, a lot of fear, a lot of like that kind of stuff. Yeah, doubt, fear. And then.
00:10:28
Speaker
ultimately it just it drove this like obsession of like I must succeed at this because I've carried this label as like a very successful you know student person athlete I always do the best you know I was in the medic I was like you know in terms of like the academic route that I took and really which like at the time like these were like
00:10:54
Speaker
measures of success as like a teen, a late teen, early adult, it's like, you're in graduate school, you're in medical school, you are the top of your class, you are all the good things. And I was like, I, that's not enough for me. And I have to go find that now in an industry where the path to do that was completely unpaved.
00:11:16
Speaker
You know, I'll be at foot by like maybe two or three, like world renowned strength coaches who were coaching Olympians. And I was like, I'm not going to be that person. Like what am I going to do to reestablish that I'm, you know, that this was an all just a mistake in a waste of time. Yeah.
00:11:33
Speaker
And I'm wondering if you speak more to a couple of things that you were talking a bit about that too, the idea of success, like I'm successful, like I'm in this place of, that's one thing that like I want to hear more about. And then also you said it turned into an obsession. So can you speak more about like quickly on that? How did you come up with the initial definition of success at that time? Was that from upbringing parents, like society, just your own self, like kind of, what was that from?
00:11:58
Speaker
Yeah, it was, it was, it was my upbringing. It was like, I showed a early on to have, I showed, I was demonstrating to people that I was, you know, exceptional in a few things, mainly academics and sport, which I, which are two things that generally get a lot of praise and it's like, Hey, you got great grades. Especially as guys, I think, right? Sports and yeah, sports and grades. Yeah.
00:12:24
Speaker
And they were things that I didn't just do because I felt pressure. I just in generally loved it. I loved the sport. I thought some of the stuff in school came easy, but I was just interested in doing well. And so as I'm getting praise and adoration for what was coming somewhat naturally to me, it became this sort of like, oh, I am seen by all these people for doing this well.
00:12:51
Speaker
if I do more well, if I do even better, like maybe there's, then I get more. And then it's like that positive reinforcement, like you're such a good student, you're such a good athlete, you're going to be such a great doctor, like your dad someday, you're going to do these. And I'm like, okay, yeah, like you're right. And this is kind of how people know me. This is how I get, get loved or, you know, and I'm, I'm enough as a person when I'm doing these things. Yeah. And so success that that's how success kind of gets defined early on for me.
00:13:18
Speaker
And then I just start, it morphs into an anxiety where it's like, oh, if I don't do the thing, then I might not get this. And not, not that anybody ever withheld love from me because I got a bad grade, you know, or that I didn't win the thing, but I created a, I created my own story around that. And then that just sort of as, as I described this recently to somebody who was like, you know, as a young, young kid,
00:13:43
Speaker
It took this much effort to accomplish those things. And then as a junior high and then high school, it took more effort to be exceptional. And then in college, it took even more. I mean, it took a seismic jump in college where now I'm at UC Berkeley and I'm around
00:14:02
Speaker
the best athletes and the best students and the most hardworking people in their teenage early 20s years. And how do I stand out from that group? I have to do that much more. And so it became this like, oh my gosh, I have to push myself so hard to be
00:14:20
Speaker
to achieve the level of success that I have now told myself is necessary. And without it, perhaps life looks very miserable and I'm scared to not have that. So I'll do whatever it takes. And it was in college that it shifted from like, I'll do whatever it takes made me more miserable.
00:14:37
Speaker
then the actual outcome of not getting it, like, of getting the success. And it was like a very big shift in my whole life right then was like, oh my gosh, like, I'm afraid of not having success and how bad that'll feel, but the pursuit of that success feels incredibly hard and heavy.
00:14:57
Speaker
there's no good option here. And it
Finding Fulfillment in Fitness
00:15:00
Speaker
was a big lose, lose. And it led to me taking, you know, what would I, my gap years after college before medical school, which I refound and reconnected with like a part of me that I was like, I like this person. Oh my God. Like there's a life where I'm, I matter that I don't have to have all this, you know, objective success, you know, or whatever I called it.
00:15:22
Speaker
And it kind of like recharged me and motivated me again. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to, I'm ready to go back to medical school. And once I got back in, just like all the same cycles and patterns of college came back and it was like, you like fell right back in. Oh, I just, yeah, I fell back in quickly. And I was like, I got to go a different, a different path. And so the new path was fitness, which just filled me up with so much. And I was starting from the bottom. I was starting from nothing and that felt good.
00:15:51
Speaker
And it felt, you know, and, and I happened to surround myself in an environment where I, I was, I was going to excel. Like I was around the right people. I was doing something I loved. I had.
00:16:03
Speaker
unknowingly built like years of experience, both as a student, a student of science, a physiology of at that point, 10 years of hard training and application. And now people wanted to listen to me to get themselves into shape. And I was like, Oh, I'm,
00:16:23
Speaker
I'm right where I need to be and I can do really a lot of good here. And I had this like immediate feedback loop of like, this feels amazing. And it was just like, okay, now we're going and we're on the right path. And, and that's where it became kind of this obsession too, of like going to prove that I could do this thing that I was on the path to do in a more conventional way in a new way. And, um, yeah, it's like I said, it's been 15 years since that, since that started.
00:16:52
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and then I'm wondering, it's amazing how powerful motivator our stories that we tell ourselves, this thing that was sticking out as you're talking and something I hear, oh gosh, easily over a thousand times with men and women that I've worked with in my, you know, therapeutic office that
00:17:08
Speaker
that the narrative we tell ourselves, how powerful could we be, whether it was explicitly told to us of, hey, you must, in order to be loved and have value, you must get that A, right? Because some people I've worked with were very explicitly told that kind of messaging. Very explicitly. Yeah. Others. And just to be clear, because if my mom's listening to this, I was not told that. Like that was not what they were feeding me. I created that sort of, but I do understand that for me.
00:17:34
Speaker
Yeah, well, and that's the thing I was getting at, that even when it's not an explicit message, that we can still generate our own perception or perceived perception and story and how powerful that internally can be for us. Like what a powerful, one in one hand, a motivator, okay, I think it motivates you to succeed in one hand, like it's a double-edged sword. I think there's a powerful motivator, like, well, I better succeed than I better keep performing
00:18:02
Speaker
Moving and you did but in the dark side like you said is well then what happens if I don't then what right then that feels awful like you said the lose-lose is like well that because the fear even though it wasn't told you even though parents it sounds like your parents are very like pride clear with that messaging for whatever reason that you you interpreted it and that part of you bought into well actually if I don't then this is probably the outcome.
00:18:25
Speaker
And then how you stepped away and then you felt, sounds like some significant relief in that gap year. I was like, oh, this is nice. I don't have to feel like I have to perform. Like again, nothing wrong with performing, nothing wrong with getting A's. Like that's, that's fine. It's, but it's that drive, that fear-based system of like almost like an anxiousness stress state internally. That's like, you have to do this. Otherwise this thing will happen. This, this reality, this other reality that hasn't happened will.
00:18:54
Speaker
Yeah. There's like a quote that like, or I, you know, I listened to, uh, the diary of a CEO podcast with Steven Bartlett and he, he likes to, to, he uses a saying like, are you being dragged or are you being driven by something? And it was like,
00:19:09
Speaker
I was being dragged along by this like fear and anxiety. And I think when I shifted into the health and fitness field, it was like, whoa, this is what it feels like to be driven, to really succeed. Like my anxiety quieted down.
00:19:25
Speaker
around my performance and my outcomes a lot as during that phase of life. So it was just, you know, it was like, it didn't, it didn't take long for me to be like, this is right. This feels, this feels right. So that you've, you've something and you felt this internal shift, it sounds like of, oh yeah, this is, this is driven, not dragged.
00:19:46
Speaker
Yeah. And, and we might get to this part of the story too, but just, just to actually fast forward, like all the way to present. Um, it's interesting that like this thing that, yeah, this thing that I'm like, okay, in two, in 2009, I joined a coaching staff at a gym in my kind of County where I grew up.
00:20:04
Speaker
And I was, it wasn't, but a couple, you know, it was probably in the first week of doing the job that I was like, this is it. This is like, it feels right. And people will say like, oh, you found your passion. You found your, you know, your purpose, like what you want to do. And I'm in the same industry.
00:20:21
Speaker
You know, it's taken, it's taken different forms and shapes and, you know, the delivery of what I do is through a different medium now, mostly digital. But 13 years later, I found myself in the same industry that I was driven by and passionate about feeling, Oh my God, I'm being dragged along by fear and anxiety and,
00:20:40
Speaker
Right. And it just a different context in a different phase of life, a season of life where now I have kids, I have greater responsibilities. We have a mortgage. I feel like there's a lot of weight on me. If I don't succeed, then life's going to fall apart. It's going to be scary. But like the path and the pursuit of success is so, it's just like, it's weighing on me so heavily that I was kind of in this like, dude, I'm back to like, there's no good option. And it all feels like shit.
The Role of Therapy and Self-Reflection
00:21:08
Speaker
And that was a hard moment to like come face to face with, be like, damn it, what did I just, I, 14 years of this, the first seven or eight were just this beautiful ride. And then the last five or six have been this kind of turbulent.
00:21:26
Speaker
And more recently, this like downward trend and like, what, what did I look like? That was the, okay, let me step back and be like, what have I not hell, we're in the integrated man, you know, integrated human integrated health paradigm. Did I, have I been, what have I been missing? And this is like what my last six months have been very, very profoundly about.
00:21:51
Speaker
What I'm wondering if you could speak more to, you know, you said this in this past six months and I'm glad with flash, you know, it's good to have context and kind of bring to the present that things can reoccur and we can kind of old tapes, I call them or old messages that we could kind of fall into them, maybe even in a new way. Even if we think we've overcome something, it's, you know, internally, it's not a big shift to fall back into some old behaviors or ways of thinking or fear, you know, anxiety that it's not like a, even if we overcome it, like it's often not a big step to get back into it.
00:22:20
Speaker
And so I'm wondering a couple parts that I'd be curious to hear a bit more if you feel comfortable sharing is, you know, was there any before you step back and said, Hey, let me examine and like, you know, get a better picture of my life of what's, you know, as being integrated, what's missing? What am I lacking or maybe where am I?
00:22:37
Speaker
not investing in or being intentional about my life. Was it easy for you to kind of have this awareness, okay, let me step back and go? Or was there some things occurring in your life that kind of were maybe some warning signs or some flags of like, oh, I think I need to pay attention to this? Or was it kind of, did you avoid stepping back? I'm just kind of curious that little process for you.
00:23:00
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's somewhere between it somewhere between it's been easy and it's been you know, a little bit challenging to be able to take that step back and get perspective. The part that's made it easy is that I have had a commitment to
00:23:17
Speaker
you know personal growth and through like you know traditional talk therapy for a long time i'm i'm i'm my wife's a psychologist she and i have been seeing a couple's therapist for now we're coming up on our this is like our 10th year that we've been doing this and we've only been married for seven years or eight years so we started therapy
00:23:38
Speaker
You know, when we basically were like, Hey, I think we might be going down this path of like a life together, maybe kids in the future. Let's
Challenging Traditional Masculinity
00:23:46
Speaker
establish some really good, you know, a foundation for our marriage or our potential marriage. So I have this like partner who's.
00:23:53
Speaker
with me along this journey and I'm with her and we can, we're here to support like and be mirrors for one another. Like, Hey, this is not, this doesn't seem like it's working for you also in like personal therapy. So having somebody that on a biweekly basis, I get to explore myself with a bit. And then I have a men's group or, you know, my two best friends who during the pandemic, we decided, you know what, we're going to, we're going to make a standing call like that we get on,
00:24:22
Speaker
Every week or every other weekend and we just make sure that we're supporting each other through whatever's happening so I've had these resources these outlets which you know when things are good it's like easy to like take for granted like hey I've got this and then when things get hard and challenging it's like oh wow like I've got this
00:24:39
Speaker
amazing network. And so I kind of was, I've always had this, you know, my, my story or the, you know, the old, the old pattern story for me is like slipping into this anxiety depression when, like, when I'm feeling like dragged to accomplish this, you know, very self established metric of success. Right. And that has kind of like, I think becoming a parent,
00:25:07
Speaker
and adopting some of the stories of my own father, like this is how you provide, this is what you need to do, this is what I need to be as a provider, as a husband, as a father.
00:25:19
Speaker
And, you know, choosing to live in an affluent area, an expensive area, and just in a, you know, in an industry that is complex and difficult, like owning my own business, all of these things just started to stack up over the last several years. And so it, it was getting, it was like this slow, like drain. And, you know, when things are happening slowly,
00:25:42
Speaker
it's hard to like feel like, oh, I just crossed a threshold that was like different. It was like, is this different or am I just feeling this in enough time had passed where it was like, yeah, you know what? Like I'm not, I'm not happy most days or I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm actually going to bed with like of a reasonable amount of anxiety and fear most nights of the week. And I'm like, I just don't want to, I don't, I don't want to be living like that. Yeah.
00:26:06
Speaker
And thanks for sharing that. I think in some sense you've already been on a journey of having support and guys you're talking with and a community of being engaged in therapy. I mean, in a couple settings as well as individual setting and then your guys like, you know, it sounds like you had a really good just awareness of, I need support. You know, a lot of men I've worked with don't have that kind of, you know, all the way from nothing, they're alone, completely alone to kind of like where you are and anywhere in between.
00:26:34
Speaker
I think with more people on the alone side, that is much more common where they have zero. And on top of that, they feel shame or it's not even an avenue that they can pursue. They can't ask for help. They shouldn't. They're not supposed to. Yeah, and I think that's probably more what I'll see is that.
00:26:53
Speaker
on that. Rare will I see men in my office and I do I think it is but it's not the norm it's you know rare will I see a guy coming in who has a really good support guys are talking to being open with they've done therapy before you know that's more on the outskirts than it is common. It's usually they're coming in either because their wife told them to come in her partner or they're just like super you know
00:27:16
Speaker
something got them in. And sometimes they don't even want to be there. You know, it's like they're, they're coming using some kind of a crisis or something. But, you know, hearing, hearing your story, I think is also, I think a great picture in one hand of like how change can happen. It's slow or you don't even recognize it until eventually it kind of hits you. Like I'm having this awareness that I'm going to bed more frequently, stressed and anxious and overwhelmed and down and low, you know, whatever it is internally. And, and you had enough insight and awareness to be like, yeah, I should probably talk about this with,
00:27:44
Speaker
People I'm already talking to. Quickly, I just asked this question, but initially going to therapy for the first time, was that like an easy sell for you? Was that kind of like, yeah, got it. I'm in. Or was there some like apprehension or why should I talk to someone or what initially brought you in? Was that anxiety back then in the fear?
00:28:02
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, my first, my first therapy, like the first therapist I ever went to see or the early days of it for me were, it was more of like, I was just, it was in college and I was just like really, I was just really struggling towards the end of college with like, man, the whole prospects like that, or I'm looking at like beyond college just look terrible. Like I'm going to go right into, I'm going to go from one thing to the next. That just feels like a total drain and like, again, being dragged along.
00:28:30
Speaker
And I remember being quite open to it because I think my brother had been through therapy and he had had a really like powerful experience with a therapist. He didn't go out of, he went because he had to go. He was having like, you know, challenges in school was like, you know, using substances was like, and it was like, I'll go to therapy if like, you just let me stay in school, mom and dad kind of thing. So, but he then had a great experience and I was like, Oh, well, this could be all right. And,
Therapy Insights and Self-Awareness
00:28:59
Speaker
It was really something my parents supported a lot. But then I would say, then I was in individual therapy for probably in my early 20s, then stopped because my therapist retired and I didn't really, I felt like I was in a stable place. I didn't need to go back in and then met my wife.
00:29:20
Speaker
girlfriend at the time, we started, you know, therapy together. That was a great foundation, but it had a different focus and purpose. And it wasn't like individual therapy, but it was like five years ago that I just hit like, uh, I had like a big surge of, of kind of panic and overwhelm. It was a, it was like an acute, a very acute phase of anxiety that I, you know, it was like year one.
00:29:43
Speaker
of like being a parent, underslept, every, you know, our first born head colic. It was like, I was just, and my business was kind of growing at a really rapid pace and then had sort of its first like business plateau. And I don't know, it just, it was all too much. So that was what drove me to like, be like, okay, I'll engage again. And I wasn't.
00:30:04
Speaker
It wasn't like, oh, I'm so eager to get back into therapy. It was like, even then with somebody who had had experience with it, positive experience, my wife was like, I really think you should just like, I think you got to talk to somebody. This is like not something you can navigate on your own. And so that's what got me back in. And I was, I was resistant, you know, at the time too, I was like, I mean, a little bit more to this story is like this same therapist who I've been with for five years, I would say just like three sessions ago,
00:30:33
Speaker
we had like a major breakthrough in our relationship. And like, I felt like, wow, like I'm now, I've overcome some like maybe underlying trust or issue that I even have had like in these past five years. Like I've like, I've held on to some, tried to hold onto some control and not been like fully able to hand, uh, which was huge. And then oddly enough, like the next session with him, it's like, okay, and I'm officially retiring and,
00:30:59
Speaker
you know a month so it's like okay wow like look at this like wow but i'm very you know it's like tons of uh mostly just gratitude like wow i i got to this place with this this new relationship and it's really you know it's certainly changed
00:31:14
Speaker
changed so much for me in my life and my relationship to my wife and just where I'm at today, you know? Yeah. And you could totally say no to this, but I'm wondering what was that, I guess, what was that thing of, you said control, like there's something that I'm not letting what, can you say what that might've been and what was that control about?
00:31:30
Speaker
I think it's just like this, I think there's, you know, the story that I have is like, and this has been uncovered a lot in the last year for me is I'm supposed to know how to do so many things. I'm a man, I'm a husband, I'm a father, I'm a business owner. I have all these hats that I'm, I'm supposed to know how to do these things right. It's shown up in every place in my life. And, you know, to, to really surrender and just be like, I have no,
00:31:57
Speaker
I have no idea, I don't know. And I'm like open to whatever comes, it's like I've shared a lot of that, but I've always held on to some where it's like, I think it scares me to like really be in like full surrender of like, I don't know, I'm here, you're my guide, like just teach me, I'm open to anything, I'm open to being completely wrong. Because if I'm wrong, it brings up the voice of like, you're not a good,
00:32:26
Speaker
man are you you know you didn't you failed right and it's and so that's the thing that i've kind of like protected in myself is like i gotta hold on to some control around knowing these things and yeah because that part of you was saying essentially because if you don't like that part even if it was a small part it had a lot of power that part saying yeah because if you do marcus if you do admit this right it's going to say that you are really not enough and you're failing as a dad as a man is because
00:32:53
Speaker
Even though part of you is like, that's not true. There's this other part that's like, yeah, buddy, you got to hold on this because if you really let all this go, then that will happen. So that part was in a way protecting you from that message, quote unquote, becoming true. Yeah. This is the first time I'm like saying this like publicly, but I feel like it just so makes so much sense is that I did a psychedelics assisted therapy session last year and the, the biggest like,
00:33:18
Speaker
what came through in that experience was this concept of like, Marcus, looking at your younger self, seeing me through all of my phases of life, recognizing a theme of like this poor kid thought he had to know everything. And guess what, little buddy? It's okay. You don't have to know anything. You didn't have to know how to do it, right? You don't have to know how to, it's okay that you didn't know. And I like, it like brings up tears because I'm like,
00:33:46
Speaker
I felt like I had to know everything and and it caused me so much pain throughout my life and it's still it's still in there and I have to keep reminding that little kid of like it's okay not to know like and it showed up in relationships it showed up in my you know sexuality it showed up in my academic pursuits it showed up in my career it shows up as me being a dad it's like you're supposed to know how to do all these things
00:34:11
Speaker
You're supposed to know as a young man how to please a woman sexually. You should know that. Should I? I have no fucking idea. I'm scared that I don't know. Then it's like, hey, you're a business owner. You've got 10 employees. You need to know how to run this business. What do you think you're doing? I don't know. I didn't go to business school. I'm lost on some of this stuff.
00:34:36
Speaker
I'm a parent, you're supposed to know how to parent your kid. Oh, you fucked that up. It's just this relentless thing that's there for me, I felt. And then I'm sharing this with people. I'm like, oh my God, we're all thinking this. All these men are thinking the same thing. And it's so devastating. And yeah,
Vulnerability and Personal Growth
00:34:58
Speaker
it really is something that isn't talked about.
00:35:02
Speaker
And I appreciate your your strength and vulnerability just to share that I think you know we need hearing seeing this is just really a sign of you know one way men can show again strength and vulnerability that hey first I'm talking about so I just feel honored that you've been shared it with me and and
00:35:19
Speaker
And I will, I mean, I've had that thought at times, absolutely, for sure. And I've had the same thought where I'm like, how a trained therapist, I should know this with my kids or my wife. Like, why did I, I should know not to do that. I teach people this all day long. And that voice will come up and shame will come and, you know, the failure stuff. Even to this day, it's just, it's amazing that how powerful that voice can be. And how really, how many men,
00:35:48
Speaker
and women too, but we're talking to men here, but definitely women, but men, how most men are struggling to some degree, there's some type of voice that they're having a battle, some type of belief that can creep in at the right time subtly where we kind of begin to buy into its messaging and its voice and how powerful that grip can be on our soul, how we think about ourselves, how we act and behave. And when I hear this too, the power of safe community to actually
00:36:17
Speaker
put it out in the light, right? Like reveal it to these other guys saying, hey, so it's not hidden in, you know, I think of like all Brené Brown's work and stuff. And she's not the first to talk about shame, but she's been popularized by her research, but obviously the shame of like hiding and how shame continue and perpetuates is in the dark, right? When we hide it in the recess and don't share it with people or reveal it, right? And so it just continues to grow and it gets stronger and stronger. But when we actually share it in a safe community, we're able to kind of
00:36:45
Speaker
put it out there and other men or mentors say, hey, dude, it's okay. Like you don't have to have it figured out or what you did with your psychedelic of kind of this healthy, almost like wise mentor figure was able to say to your younger self, hey, it's okay. Like you don't have to have this. It's okay. And what a powerful, it seems like that was such a deep, deep release.
00:37:06
Speaker
And I'm curious, after following that, what was that like for you? Like, how was that voice afterwards? Did you feel like? Yeah. Yeah. That was really, it was so like within 10 days of that we, my wife and I went to a Tony Robbins event in Texas, unleash the power within for anybody who's experienced any of that stuff. And.
00:37:24
Speaker
you spend a lot of time on like you know limiting beliefs and belief systems and kind of just like shedding just like the shit and it's like so I'm coming in with this like fairly you know a big amount of awareness of me and my stories and then this like profound heightened experience of like seeing it you know in like kind of almost like a third like a
00:37:47
Speaker
you know third person yeah yeah and then going and then investigating it more with a lot of the tools that he uses in his in his events of like getting people's bodies moving and getting their like uh you know just we move a lot we scream we do inner work you know it's it's a it's a really powerful system that he's built to get you to like get in touch with those things so all of it it's like this this storm is like
00:38:12
Speaker
brewing of like, Oh my gosh, I'm seeing so much right now. And, but then on the other side of it was like, okay, I see these stories. I see the way I talk to myself. I see how really like damaging it is to like my ability to connect in the moment with the people I care about. And it wasn't like enough for me to like suddenly make a change. It was like,
00:38:35
Speaker
I was hurting. I had this like awakening or awareness. And then now it hurts even more because I can see myself doing this to myself. And so like the month that followed was like really hard. And cause you could not see it anymore. It was like, yeah, I'm like, you can't, I can't unsee what, yeah, that's how I've described it. I was like, well now it's like, I just ripped off the robe and I'm like, I can't unsee what I've seen. And,
00:39:00
Speaker
And so really it was like the end of 2023 where I was like, I need some type of relief. And I actually went on.
00:39:09
Speaker
like anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, I was like, I'm gonna go pharmacology, which I had been very resistant to since my early 20s when I had done my last exposure to traditional anti-depressants, which didn't have a very profound impact on me. And truthfully, it was like within three to four weeks of starting around a medication and titrating my dose, I was just like,
00:39:37
Speaker
Holy shit. I think the veil of my whole life, like of it just got lifted. And I'm like, it was like clarity of like, whoa, all the tools and all the work that I've done, like has a chance of like being usable. Exactly. Yeah. And I call it like my second awakening of life. And like, I felt like I re I re met my wife and we got, I was like in a new relationship with like,
00:40:02
Speaker
this amazing person. I was like, Oh my God, I have like, like a new girlfriend. Like this is so like, I'm like, I'm here. I'm like, Oh, this is parenting is fun right now. Like what is so just like, yeah, it was, it was like hard, really hard. And then like a lift that has just been kind of this steady climb out of, out of that to now. Yeah. Which
Embracing Change and Personal Development
00:40:24
Speaker
makes me so, it's like so exciting and fun to talk about it with people with you.
00:40:30
Speaker
and whoever ends up listening to this, it's just not, it's still new to me. It still feels very new and fresh.
00:40:36
Speaker
Yeah, no, and I, gosh, I really am feel honored that you shared it. And, you know, I think it just speaks to just this, and we were talking about this previously in the virtual green room, but this, this notion of what it means to be an integrated man. And that really is a, and I firmly believe this, I think to some degree, we are always having to work on ourselves. Like whenever we don't stop, you know, there's always level of maintenance and maintaining and growth and awareness. It's almost like,
00:41:00
Speaker
depending on the season you're in. When we were talking about seasons, how sometimes certain seasons you just kind of let go of certain parts of self, whether it's physical fitness or some part of your health or maybe some mental stuff or spiritual or social, just because some things happen. So we all go to our normal survival states or ways of coping. And so it takes, in a way, some level of regular assessment of becoming aware of how am I doing? Am I balancing these areas? Am I not?
00:41:24
Speaker
and something that it's a kind of, it's a continual evolution of like we're always kind of working and moving towards something and then kind of having to scan and assess like how am I actually doing right now? Like what, how do I need to rest? Do I need to change? Like what is really going on? And I think that's something that I teach all the clients I work with too and even myself as a reminder that we're never, we don't, I don't think we ever fully get there like a destination. It's more of an ongoing process of,
00:41:53
Speaker
Are you checking in with all these things? And what are the tools you're using that are effective? What are things that are not so effective? Do you need to trade some things in to try something different? And, you know, hearing your story with the second evolution, it's like, it is, it's this, it's this kind of ebb and flow of life. And for you, you've been putting in a bit more work and kind of the internal mental wellness, mental health, psyche space of, you know, you have the fitness down, but this other internal role was like, I need to do some work here.
00:42:19
Speaker
on the reverse that people didn't hear our earlier conversation. The part that I'm working on as a dad is my physical fitness right now. I'm trying to get that, integrating that in more and seeing the impact that's going to have on my mental wellness and social thing. Because they all, all parts of self, they impact one another. Like everything influences everything else. Like they're not separate. Like my body and soul is interconnected, whether we want it to be or not.
00:42:42
Speaker
And so as we gain wellness and holistic health, we're gonna see that it's gonna benefit all the other areas, just like if part of us is kind of neglected, that's gonna have an impact. Now, varying degrees from mild to severe, depending upon what it is, on all aspects of our life. And hearing your story too about this healing experience, and that's kind of like inner child work, right?
00:43:06
Speaker
there's this positive message in how powerful that voice can be but it still required continued work and now that you said I see it now I call it the car effect because like once you see that car you see it everywhere it's like a Tesla they seem everywhere it's like once you see it you're like I thought I was the only one with this car and like no everyone has this car like you can't not see it or I think of the Matrix like you took the red pill you know you could take the blue one if you want to go back and have willful blindness but it's like
00:43:30
Speaker
I don't want to do that. I want to grow and look what's happened now. It's like all these tools that I've been practicing for years that all those things were important that they got you to this point. And now you had this other experience that kind of in a way the veil was lifted that all those things were important parts of your healing growth journey that without them, you know, if you were to remove pieces, I don't know if you would be in the same place. Well, a couple of things that just came to mind as you were just saying that number one is the red pill analogy from the matrix is
00:43:56
Speaker
something I'm going to take into my relationship because, you know, one of the things that has been great and also challenging is that there's a new depth to like my relationship to my wife in the last few months. One that is very rewarding for both of us, but particular for her. It's like, this is kind of what I've been wanting from our relationship and from you for so long.
00:44:21
Speaker
And I had kind of just like resigned myself to being like, hey, this, I might not ever get this version of you. And now it's here. And now when we have, you know, the inevitable sort of slip back into old patterns, it's like this fear comes where she's like, oh my gosh, like I just, I lost, I lost you again and I'm going to lose you forever. And I want to be, I'm going to use that now and be like, you know, honey, I, I took the red pill. I can't unsee this. Like I'm,
00:44:47
Speaker
I might have a misstep here or there. I might get fatigued, tired, overwhelmed, and fall back into some old patterns. But this is not something that is going to go away. It can't. And it doesn't mean it's not going to require work.
00:45:04
Speaker
You know, I, I saw, I saw the, I saw the Tesla and now it's everywhere. I can't unsee it. And then the other part was the other, the last part that I thought was this whole idea of around seasonality of life. And I've, I've coached so much about it, but like being able to experience like, Oh my gosh, like I'm, I'm in a new season I've held on to.
00:45:26
Speaker
what I loved about the last season for far too long, and those are gone. That is gone. Life without kids is gone. Life without a complex business, it's just behind me, it's gone. And to feel like, oh, I'm trying to anchor in those old ways and those old feelings that I liked, and then seeing they're gone is what is feeding resentment and anger. And it's like, okay, just, we have to,
00:45:55
Speaker
we have in the new context of today, what do I, you know, where do I take these stories and how do I work with them and how do I establish the next great, you know, benchmark or, you know, raise the bar in life to now say, Oh, well, I don't actually ever want to go back to that because this is so great. And I worked hard to make today great. And then in three to five years, it might be completely different.
00:46:20
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, and that seasonality too, as I'm thinking of wrapping up here and thinking the conscious of the time is that, you know, this practice of acceptance of, you know, it's this term of, you know, radical acceptance, and it's accepting really is an acknowledgement of where you currently are, whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, whether you approve of it or not. It's more of, this is just current reality as it is, and I could fight and resist reality and want this past stuff or whatever, and it's gonna create more resistance, more,
00:46:47
Speaker
suffering or I can say hey it is what it is and here's how far I come maybe here's the progress I've come here's the progress I've made and I want to keep growing so it's not this black and white that like hey I'm screwed and I'm stuck or I can only I have to just succeed and if I don't it's like no it's like we look at both it's like here's where I am here's how I'm
00:47:04
Speaker
the wins I've done and the growth and maybe where I'm stuck and what I want to keep doing. So it's kind of this acceptance of both aspects of life and not just so in the extremes on the pendulums because we tend to be very pendulum type people right on the extremes of like it's either this or it's this, it's this or just when really most of life is two opposing truths are true at the same time. You know, like I'm doing the best I can and I want to improve more, right?
00:47:28
Speaker
You know, we need to accept these both realities and not fight them. And when we do accept it, actually it lessens resistance and anxiety and stress and enables us to actually do something about it. So I, you know, appreciate everything you've shared so far, but two important questions. One, and there's a major pivot, but something I've been asking lately is what kind of, what's the current music you're listening to or what inspires you or, you know, what do you kind of have on repeat right now?
00:47:55
Speaker
Um, I love that. Okay. It's just, well, two things. My kids, they are in the Taylor Swift, like they're Swifties through and through. So lots of Taylor Swift. It also turns out that my, my training partner and media producer for my company,
00:48:16
Speaker
likes him some Taylor Swift as well. So we, we, we knocked that out. We, you know, we play that loud on the speaker when we train. And then my wife about a year and she's a vocalist. And so she's often, you know, learning new songs and prepping for shows. And so whatever, whatever's like her set list, you know, that that's what we're listening to. Cause she's always like getting her lyrics down. And so they're like a cover band. They play some classics and so that's been fun. You know, I just, I'll hear a song and I'm like,
00:48:47
Speaker
This is my wife's song. I don't have any personal like, you know, this is what I really want to listen to. I'm like, I'm just listening to what the people around me are into. No, that's cool. Hey, you Swiftie and then cover band stuff. It's a fun question because I think, I don't know, I'm always intrigued because I love music.
00:49:05
Speaker
it's always it's always interesting what season what people are listening to what motivates them and you know we can move through seasons too with music and music is so powerful and with kids they they my kids are not gonna swift swift yet um swift yet they're not there yet my daughter's in the um she's in the frozen stage at two right now so a lot of let it go or into the unknown and my boys are
00:49:25
Speaker
You know, they like a bunch of other stuff. Like, you know, my one son is into like a soundtrack from a video game. It's like, it's very like violin orchestral. So he just kind of like loses himself quietly in that. And so anyways, it's really fun. And then last but not least, where if people want to reach out to you, if they want to work with you, if they want to see what you're doing, where can we find you? Where can they get access? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Marcus Philly.
00:49:52
Speaker
on all the social media platforms, Instagram, kind of the main one that we use and YouTube. And then you can go to my website, functional-bodybuilding.com and you can get a ton of free resources there on like how we train people physically, we move our nutritional strategies and approaches. There's a ton of free value that's there if you want.
00:50:15
Speaker
And yeah, also there's paid programs and things like that. If you're looking to, you know, align yourself to a movement practice and, uh, that combines all of the things that I've learned for the last 25 years doing this. Nice. And everyone listening or watching this, all the links for Marcus's content and all those resources would be in the description below. It'll be clickable hyperlink. You click them, find them.
00:50:37
Speaker
And if you, of course, want to work with them, please reach out. If not, Marcus, I appreciate your time and just showing up and being yourself and really enjoyed it. We could probably talk for hours more, but I don't want to make it so people's attentions are gone because at this point, we're on the hour mark. But we'll have to have you on again. Dude, blessings to you and all the work you're doing and thanks again. Yeah, thanks, Travis.