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Vetting Men from the First Encounter + Fish Food
55 Plays4 years ago
What to vet for in first encounters. Fish food. Kickin' cats. Homelessness as an OnlyFans marketing strategy. Twitch is OnlyFans for Men. Kyle and his MLM can GO. The thirst is real.
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Transcript
Introduction & Patreon Goals
00:00:00
Speaker
What's up, queens?
00:00:01
Speaker
It's your host, Ro.
00:00:02
Speaker
Do you like female dating strategy?
00:00:04
Speaker
Would you like to see us expand on a lot of different platforms?
00:00:07
Speaker
Then please sign up for our Patreon.
00:00:08
Speaker
We are currently targeting a $10,000 per month goal, which would allow us to work full time on female dating strategy content in order to expand on different platforms and upgrade our media presence.
Subscriber Benefits
00:00:20
Speaker
As a special thank you to our current Patreon subscribers, we will be increasing our upload rate for our bonus content to be weekly on Fridays, as well as offering a special discount for paid annual memberships.
00:00:33
Speaker
So please check out our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:00:37
Speaker
That's patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:00:40
Speaker
Thank you.
Roast to Scroat: Heather's Story
00:00:41
Speaker
Let's start the show.
00:00:42
Speaker
All right.
00:00:42
Speaker
Time for another edition of Roast to Scroat on the Female Dating Strategy Podcast.
00:00:48
Speaker
This week's roast comes from Heather and she starts, Hi Queens, Ro, Lilith, and Savannah.
00:00:53
Speaker
Hey.
00:00:54
Speaker
Hey.
00:00:55
Speaker
Hey, right back.
00:00:56
Speaker
Here's my roast to scroat.
00:00:58
Speaker
This scroat deserves to be flame broiled, charred, and fully blackened.
00:01:01
Speaker
Cremated even.
00:01:02
Speaker
Turned to ashes and thrown into the ocean to strengthen fish's bones.
00:01:08
Speaker
He gets, deserves to get turned into fish food.
00:01:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:01:12
Speaker
She honestly wins like the roast of the week.
00:01:18
Speaker
Love it.
00:01:19
Speaker
This is the scrote who was so awful he caused me to find FDS.
00:01:23
Speaker
We will call him Evan.
00:01:25
Speaker
I met him at a choir pre-COVID.
00:01:27
Speaker
At the time I thought he was attractive, but now I realize some of the things I was attracted to, such as his dirty casual way of dressing, were low-value male red flags and I have since raised my standards.
00:01:38
Speaker
Work.
00:01:38
Speaker
Work.
00:01:39
Speaker
Anyway, he immediately made an effort to put himself in my way and we got involved and started dating pretty quickly.
Church Scrotes Discussion
00:01:45
Speaker
I thought that because I met him at a very nice church where we were singing together, he was probably a good person.
00:01:51
Speaker
Wrong.
00:01:53
Speaker
Let me tell you about church groats.
00:01:55
Speaker
This is actually going to be a little bit of a tangent.
00:01:57
Speaker
I want to hear your roast about church growth.
00:02:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:01
Speaker
I literally had a guy say to me that he was going to church that he could pick up on some Jesus house.
00:02:06
Speaker
Whoa.
00:02:07
Speaker
What?
00:02:08
Speaker
I'm not kidding.
00:02:10
Speaker
So yeah, don't assume all the guys that are there are there for good intention.
00:02:15
Speaker
Sometimes those guys are there because they know there's a lot of girls out there they think are like, especially youth group.
00:02:21
Speaker
They think, oh, this is where all the young girls are and I can go over there.
00:02:25
Speaker
And try to talk to him.
00:02:26
Speaker
So anyways, I digress.
00:02:29
Speaker
The rest of the paragraph.
00:02:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:45
Speaker
I thought that was weird, but all right, I guess.
00:02:47
Speaker
I know people can change if they really want to.
00:02:49
Speaker
It's possible, but not likely.
00:02:51
Speaker
Spoiler alert, he never deleted them.
00:02:53
Speaker
And he even continued the inappropriate conversations for the entire duration of our relationship.
00:02:57
Speaker
I asked him to cancel his OnlyFans and to unfollow and block the naked Instagram girls who would desperately message him asking for money in exchange for nudes because they were, quote unquote, about to be homeless.
00:03:09
Speaker
Wow.
00:03:10
Speaker
Dang, it's really rough out there like that.
00:03:12
Speaker
Oh, it's so empowering.
00:03:14
Speaker
Join an OnlyFans.
00:03:15
Speaker
You're about to be home.
00:03:16
Speaker
I didn't know that was a marketing tool.
00:03:18
Speaker
They're like, they're messaging guys being like, if you don't send me $5, I'm going to be homeless.
00:03:22
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:03:24
Speaker
That's sad.
00:03:25
Speaker
That's so fucked up.
00:03:27
Speaker
So, so fucked up.
00:03:28
Speaker
Okay.
00:03:29
Speaker
Tragedy.
00:03:30
Speaker
So she says, he lied to me and said he did, but he didn't.
00:03:34
Speaker
He even once pulled up a porn video of very violent fisting where the woman was clearly in immense pain and said that's what he wanted to do to me.
00:03:43
Speaker
I was revolted.
00:03:45
Speaker
Rightfully so, right?
00:03:46
Speaker
I don't understand the concept of fisting.
00:03:48
Speaker
It's literally just like violence against women.
00:03:51
Speaker
The man doesn't get anything except just enjoying the woman's pain and the woman doesn't get anything either.
00:03:56
Speaker
Like...
00:03:57
Speaker
She's not orgasming from fisting.
00:03:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:03:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:59
Speaker
It seems very bizarre.
00:04:00
Speaker
And it's one of those things that I, I don't, um, understand.
00:04:04
Speaker
It's never, it's never thought to me that it would feel better than a penis, but I don't know.
00:04:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:09
Speaker
I'd never tried it, but I assume it would be bad.
00:04:12
Speaker
Okay.
00:04:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:14
Speaker
He never asked me on dates.
00:04:15
Speaker
Red flag.
00:04:17
Speaker
We just started hanging out at our houses together.
00:04:20
Speaker
I am not exaggerating when I say that he lived in a frat boy halfway house.
00:04:24
Speaker
Five guys in their mid to late 20s renting a five bedroom house.
00:04:28
Speaker
Believe me when I say it was horrifyingly dirty.
00:04:31
Speaker
Cat pee and hair everywhere.
00:04:35
Speaker
They did their dishes by hand, but they, quote, didn't believe in soap.
00:04:39
Speaker
Oh.
00:04:40
Speaker
So the dishes were greasy.
00:04:41
Speaker
What?
00:04:42
Speaker
Wait, they don't believe soap exists or... I don't believe in soap.
00:04:48
Speaker
What?
00:04:49
Speaker
I don't believe in showering.
00:04:51
Speaker
I don't believe in brushing my teeth.
00:04:52
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:04:53
Speaker
They couldn't have sprung for a dishwasher.
00:04:55
Speaker
They have portable ones.
00:04:56
Speaker
They have tabletop dishwashers.
00:04:58
Speaker
They have standing dishwashers.
00:05:00
Speaker
This is just five of them in there and they couldn't have... Okay.
00:05:04
Speaker
Uh...
00:05:04
Speaker
Several millimeters of dust build up on the baseboards.
00:05:08
Speaker
Orange streaks down the walls of the bathroom.
00:05:11
Speaker
Mildew and pink bacteria in the bathtub.
00:05:15
Speaker
Okay.
00:05:15
Speaker
This is literally making me sick.
00:05:18
Speaker
Revolting.
00:05:19
Speaker
Had to beg Evan to put a trash can in the bathroom and to buy toilet paper because there was none to be found the first time I came over.
Heather's Realization & Breakup
00:05:27
Speaker
See, walk out.
00:05:28
Speaker
Wait, there's no toilet paper?
00:05:30
Speaker
Do they just take a shit and then walk away and just like leave their shitty asshole?
00:05:34
Speaker
Like probably this is what we're talking about when we say the guys don't wash their ass.
00:05:38
Speaker
Guys can go like a day or two without having toilet paper.
00:05:41
Speaker
That is an impossibility for women.
00:05:42
Speaker
So I've learned if they cannot stock their toilet paper regularly, like leave.
00:05:46
Speaker
Don't stay at a house where a man is not courteous enough to know that women need two things, one toilet paper and two a trash bin in case we're in our period and we need to dispose of our period products.
00:05:57
Speaker
If they have not figured that out or they give you a hard time about it, walk.
00:06:01
Speaker
Leave.
00:06:02
Speaker
It's just mad stupid.
00:06:04
Speaker
Anybody who understands anything about women should have those things in their house before they invite them.
00:06:09
Speaker
If you have to argue with him about that, that is so stupid.
00:06:13
Speaker
What?
00:06:13
Speaker
she even writes here i guess none of them wipe their asses oh my gosh oh gosh walking biohazard here's where she messed up because she said she writes here constantly clog sink and tub drains i can't believe i even bought drano for them one time cringe don't do wifey shit for scrotes yeah yeah yeah girl i i
00:06:37
Speaker
We've all been sucked into that because I've had that too, where there's a guy where you're like, you are so hopeless that I feel like I should clean for you because I feel bad that you live like this.
00:06:46
Speaker
But don't.
00:06:47
Speaker
Yes.
00:06:47
Speaker
Fight that instinct.
00:06:48
Speaker
Just leave.
00:06:49
Speaker
Be like, this is not good enough for me.
00:06:51
Speaker
Make them feel bad and walk out.
00:06:54
Speaker
Yeah, don't do it, sis.
00:06:55
Speaker
Don't do it.
00:06:56
Speaker
That's actually one of those things like for me that's always been a deal breaker even when I was a pick me I think it's just because like because my parents were like low key kind of like hoarders and so I got like traumatized by that and so I just that's always one of been one of those things if I go to a guy's place and it's messy.
00:07:12
Speaker
Like, I've had guys call me like, oh, you're such a hypochondriac, you're such a germaphobe, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:07:17
Speaker
I don't care.
00:07:17
Speaker
I own that.
00:07:18
Speaker
I'm a germaphobe.
00:07:18
Speaker
I'm a hypochondriac.
00:07:19
Speaker
Okay.
00:07:20
Speaker
Like, if a guy can't wipe his ass, or if a guy doesn't have a trash bag, or has pink mildew in his bathroom, no.
00:07:27
Speaker
So the guys I've dated have always been very clean, just because, just process of elimination.
00:07:31
Speaker
So, yeah.
00:07:31
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:07:32
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:07:34
Speaker
Uh, next paragraph.
00:07:35
Speaker
There was copious cannabis use as well as cocaine, LSD, and mushrooms.
00:07:40
Speaker
They would offer, but I always declined except for one time I agreed to try a pot brownie.
00:07:45
Speaker
Well, Evan did not take dosage into consideration.
00:07:48
Speaker
So he let me eat a full size brownie.
00:07:50
Speaker
I did not know this was a bad idea having never eaten weed before.
00:07:54
Speaker
So I had a massive dose and my tolerance was zero.
00:07:57
Speaker
I did the math afterward and it was over 150 milligrams of THC.
00:08:01
Speaker
No.
00:08:02
Speaker
That is so not okay for someone with zero tolerance.
00:08:04
Speaker
I was high for four whole days.
00:08:08
Speaker
I was high for four whole days.
00:08:10
Speaker
I missed work.
00:08:12
Speaker
I could have lost my job.
00:08:13
Speaker
Evan thought it was funny.
00:08:15
Speaker
I was livid.
00:08:17
Speaker
I was livid.
00:08:19
Speaker
The introduction makes sense why she wants to turn him into fish food.
00:08:22
Speaker
This guy sounds like an absolute walking biohazard disaster of a human being.
00:08:27
Speaker
Yeah, he needs to be cremated, like, alive.
00:08:33
Speaker
I mean, on a serious note though, like say she had, because it's happened to me or someone I know, but say she had an underlying heart condition, that could have literally killed her and he found it funny.
00:08:46
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:48
Speaker
Okay, so like thoughts on weed.
00:08:50
Speaker
I know a lot of our subscribers think that like weed is like low value and stuff.
00:08:54
Speaker
And so I think for most guys, for guys, almost always it is.
00:08:58
Speaker
Yeah, if a guy smokes weed, he's almost always low value.
00:09:00
Speaker
Doesn't it affect their sperm count too?
00:09:02
Speaker
So that's another thing.
00:09:04
Speaker
If you don't,
00:09:04
Speaker
If you want a guy and you think he's going to be the one you want to have babies with, I think you want to be concerned about his sperm count.
00:09:11
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:11
Speaker
So it's fucking hard in where I'm from to find a guy who doesn't smoke weed.
00:09:17
Speaker
It's like so part of our culture.
00:09:19
Speaker
I don't know.
00:09:19
Speaker
Like, yeah.
00:09:21
Speaker
That's interesting.
00:09:22
Speaker
I think another consideration is, though, the amount they spend on it.
00:09:25
Speaker
I'm not a massive, I don't have an opinion on weed either way, because I didn't grow up around it.
00:09:30
Speaker
So I'm not into it.
00:09:31
Speaker
But it's more like when you see stories of, you know, women saying, oh, he doesn't give me money, or he doesn't pay for like, you know, diapers or whatever, but he's spending all his money on weed.
00:09:41
Speaker
That's another thing to consider as well.
00:09:43
Speaker
Yeah, that's negative value shit there.
00:09:45
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:09:46
Speaker
So I think that's something to consider as well, how he's spending his money.
00:09:50
Speaker
Yeah, like if a guy has smoked weed like once or maybe a handful of times and just isn't super into it, like that's fine.
00:09:56
Speaker
But a guy who's a consistent pot user,
Empowerment Through Female Dating Strategy
00:09:59
Speaker
no, deal breaker.
00:10:01
Speaker
And we continue.
00:10:03
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:24
Speaker
His mom and sisters were misogynistic pykmishas who ate me alive.
00:10:28
Speaker
I mean, I'm guessing based on their son, right?
00:10:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:33
Speaker
I feel like that should be no surprise.
00:10:35
Speaker
I brought them presents as tokens of goodwill, but they snatched them out of my hands on Christmas and never even said thank you.
00:10:42
Speaker
His sister is a racist and religious bigot, and she married a man of the race and religion she hates.
00:10:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:49
Speaker
So she was deeply unhappy and took her out her marriage related anger on me.
00:10:54
Speaker
Okay, this woman's stuck on stupid then.
00:10:56
Speaker
I feel like if you're racist, like just embrace that with your whole heart.
00:10:58
Speaker
Like don't force yourself to marry someone of a different culture and like make them and your children miserable.
00:11:03
Speaker
Like what's the point of that?
00:11:04
Speaker
Yeah, there's a lot of guys who are racist who will marry or date a woman of color and like weirdly like hate fuck them.
00:11:10
Speaker
Because they fetishize them.
00:11:11
Speaker
Like you don't have to like something that you fetishize.
00:11:14
Speaker
You just get to fetishize it.
00:11:17
Speaker
Um, she mocked me and made fun of me for my nose and face for the way I talked and for getting an education and traveling.
00:11:23
Speaker
Oh, so she's one of those like she's she didn't do anything.
00:11:26
Speaker
So she's just really mad at life.
00:11:28
Speaker
She's one of those peaked in high school, like didn't get to do anything with her life.
00:11:31
Speaker
And so she's mad at any woman who's like has a better life than her.
00:11:34
Speaker
Yeah, okay.
00:11:36
Speaker
Now, I know I'm attractive, so I think she was just deeply jealous of me.
00:11:39
Speaker
Evan's mom made fun of me for my religious beliefs.
00:11:42
Speaker
Later in the trip, I came down with an excruciatingly painful UTI from his dirty dick, and I had to escape the house to see a doctor in a state I was not familiar with at all.
00:11:53
Speaker
Because I had to see the doctor, I missed breakfast, and Evan would not let me eat until later when everyone else ate dinner.
00:12:00
Speaker
The sister didn't feel like eating lunch, so I was denied food as well, even though I was sick and needed to eat with antibiotics.
00:12:07
Speaker
Wow.
00:12:08
Speaker
And it was his fault she got it.
00:12:09
Speaker
It's actually quite wild how so many women end up getting UTIs and the fishy smile because of the man's dirty dick.
00:12:22
Speaker
It's just sheer projection.
00:12:24
Speaker
So the line about her not being allowed to eat until dinner, that gave me like PTSD flashbacks because there was this one time I was dating a guy and he lived in a different city than me.
00:12:35
Speaker
So I went and stayed with his family and his mom was like,
00:12:40
Speaker
his mom was just one of those like people who just, I don't know, like she wouldn't, she would like bully me if I like ate outside of like the scheduled mealtimes and stuff.
00:12:49
Speaker
And so, yeah, I had a moment like that where I missed breakfast and she was one of these like really proud of her eating disorder type of women and would like get mad at women who didn't have eating disorders.
00:12:59
Speaker
Or something.
00:12:59
Speaker
And yeah, it wouldn't let me eat until dinner.
00:13:01
Speaker
And then like the dinner would be like a bowl of soup that's like 200 calories or something.
00:13:06
Speaker
It's like basically feeding me like starvation diet when I was staying with their family.
00:13:11
Speaker
Right.
00:13:11
Speaker
And then like called me a fatty whenever I went out to go to a restaurant to like buy more food.
00:13:16
Speaker
So yeah, fuck those kinds of families.
00:13:18
Speaker
They deserve to burn in hell.
00:13:20
Speaker
And we turned into fish food.
00:13:22
Speaker
Wow.
00:13:23
Speaker
The worst part is Evan told me both sides are guilty because I didn't suck it up and put on a face to impress his family when I was sick in bed from something he caused.
00:13:32
Speaker
Fuck that.
00:13:33
Speaker
Also, the cat fell off the third story balcony during the trip.
00:13:36
Speaker
The cat handled the fall okay and was fine.
00:13:39
Speaker
I love animals and would never do that because I am not violent.
00:13:42
Speaker
I felt horrible until Evan blamed it on me and made up a story that I kicked the cat off the balcony when I didn't.
00:13:48
Speaker
We fought for months after this trip.
00:13:50
Speaker
What?
00:13:50
Speaker
So you told his family you kicked the cat?
00:13:52
Speaker
You were with him for months after this trip?
00:13:55
Speaker
For months.
00:13:56
Speaker
In the plural.
00:13:57
Speaker
Yeah, girl.
00:13:57
Speaker
Months?
00:14:00
Speaker
It's okay.
00:14:01
Speaker
We're no judgment zone.
00:14:02
Speaker
But yeah.
00:14:03
Speaker
Like, this is...
00:14:05
Speaker
Oh, man.
00:14:07
Speaker
So here's where we get to the Reddit portion.
00:14:09
Speaker
A few months later, I found a post on his Reddit saying how he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend named Julia, who he dated when he was 13.
00:14:17
Speaker
He idealized their open, honest, easy communication.
00:14:20
Speaker
She is now married to another man.
00:14:23
Speaker
I was sick to my stomach.
00:14:24
Speaker
I looked at his phone and found a text that he sent to his family that said, I know who I want to marry, and it's not my current girlfriend.
00:14:31
Speaker
It's Julia.
00:14:32
Speaker
I hope she and her husband don't work out and I will get back together with her.
00:14:37
Speaker
I confronted him about it and he turned it so that it was my fault and I was a, I was the terrible person for looking at his phone.
00:14:45
Speaker
He was just mad he got caught.
00:14:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:47
Speaker
You think?
00:14:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:48
Speaker
He was mad.
00:14:48
Speaker
He got caught.
00:14:49
Speaker
First of all, ladies, why do you confront guys like this?
00:14:52
Speaker
Just like what, like, like,
00:14:56
Speaker
When you confront a guy with his cheating or with anything like that, you're just giving him an opportunity to lie to you and manipulate you and gaslight you and stuff.
00:15:04
Speaker
Just save yourself the mental trouble and walk away.
00:15:07
Speaker
If the guy says he doesn't want to marry you, he wants to marry his girlfriend.
00:15:11
Speaker
He's just waiting around for her to divorce her husband so that he can get in on that.
00:15:14
Speaker
You're just like a placeholder and you got to move on, sis.
00:15:17
Speaker
Like, there's nothing you can say that will... Like, what do you want?
00:15:21
Speaker
Like, what are you expecting?
00:15:22
Speaker
Like, for him to say some magical combination of words to, like...
00:15:25
Speaker
you know, relieve your concerns so that you don't have to break up with him.
00:15:30
Speaker
If he met her when she was 13, it's likely that he hasn't matured past that phase because everything about him sounds like he never made it out of junior high.
00:15:40
Speaker
He is 13.
00:15:41
Speaker
He has a brain of a 13-year-old.
00:15:42
Speaker
Yeah, he's 13 mentally, emotionally, everything.
00:15:46
Speaker
He's probably idealizing the relationship because...
00:15:49
Speaker
Yeah, 13.
00:15:50
Speaker
Do you have very high expectations of the boys in your class?
00:15:53
Speaker
Not really.
00:15:53
Speaker
But now he's a grown man and he's act like a grown man.
00:15:58
Speaker
And, you know, every woman probably other than her has been holding him to grown man standards that he can't live up to.
00:16:04
Speaker
So he's idealizing this past child.
00:16:09
Speaker
A relationship he had when he was a child.
00:16:11
Speaker
Come on.
00:16:12
Speaker
Anyways, happy ending here.
00:16:15
Speaker
I dumped him when I found
Podcast Welcome & Topic Introduction
00:16:17
Speaker
FDS.
00:16:17
Speaker
Woo!
00:16:18
Speaker
Yay!
00:16:18
Speaker
Woo!
00:16:20
Speaker
When I started to really believe that I am the prize and I am worth much more than this garbage scrote and his garbage treatment of me.
00:16:27
Speaker
Yes, queen.
00:16:28
Speaker
Amen.
00:16:28
Speaker
He friended all my family on Facebook and my mom is such a pick me boy mom from hell that she had a whole ass conversation with him and gave him my personal information like my work schedule.
00:16:38
Speaker
Oh, mom.
00:16:40
Speaker
Oh, mom.
00:16:41
Speaker
Why?
00:16:42
Speaker
She says she has a I have a no contact order in place now.
00:16:45
Speaker
So it must have got serious done.
00:16:47
Speaker
Damn.
00:16:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:49
Speaker
This reminds me of Dirty John, the grandmother.
00:16:51
Speaker
I'm obsessed.
00:16:52
Speaker
I just watched the
00:16:53
Speaker
whole podcast show everything i'm obsessed with dirty john story we need to have an episode about this because it fucking validates everything in fds the grandmother was also this sort of person or the mother was saying um was also one of these like pick me boy moms where her daughter would come to her talking about her relationship problems and she'd be like oh you gotta forgive him and blah blah blah and like guess what this one of her daughters got shot by her husband because of that and
00:17:19
Speaker
The end of it is she's just saying thank you to FDS for helping me understand I am worth so much more and even potentially saving my life.
00:17:25
Speaker
So yes, you're right.
00:17:25
Speaker
Literally.
00:17:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:17:29
Speaker
So yeah, I really hope all that pink bacteria in his bathtub eats him alive when he falls asleep next time.
00:17:36
Speaker
Yeah, I hope he gets a fucking fungal infection or some shit from that.
00:17:39
Speaker
I hope he chokes on one of his shitty weed brownies.
00:17:44
Speaker
What if it's way too high of a dose shitty weed brownies?
00:17:47
Speaker
Like 150 milligrams of THC?
00:17:50
Speaker
That's like 10 doses.
00:17:53
Speaker
That's like so much.
00:17:55
Speaker
I hope his dirty dick swells up and falls apart.
00:17:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:00
Speaker
I hope Julia, I hope Julia, I hope next time he tries to reach out to Julia, her husband drives over to his house and punches him dead in the face.
00:18:08
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:09
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:18:09
Speaker
Julia's husband gives some justice here.
00:18:11
Speaker
Fuck yeah.
00:18:12
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:13
Speaker
I hope he gets a fucking infection from all the smegma crusting under his fucking foreskin probably that he has.
00:18:19
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:19
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:20
Speaker
All right, that's our Roastus Grote.
00:18:22
Speaker
If you would like to submit your own Roastus Grote, please support our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:18:28
Speaker
And you can submit a Roastus Grote, a queenshit or a nasus, and we will discuss it here on the
Why is Vetting Men Important?
00:18:34
Speaker
pod.
00:18:34
Speaker
Thank you.
00:18:40
Speaker
What's up, queens?
00:18:41
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female only podcast on the internet.
00:18:45
Speaker
I'm your host, Ro.
00:18:47
Speaker
And I'm Savannah.
00:18:49
Speaker
And this is Lilith.
00:18:50
Speaker
Today we're going to be talking about what kinds of things to look out for before you meet a guy for a first date.
00:18:56
Speaker
Because as things start opening up again, there's going to be a lot of desperate men looking for a woman to devour.
00:19:06
Speaker
And you need to make sure that your vetting game is on point to filter them out.
00:19:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:13
Speaker
Yeah, there's a lot of thirsty guys walking around out there.
00:19:16
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:17
Speaker
I mean, I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but since things have started to open back up, I swear the thirst out here is real.
00:19:25
Speaker
Like, cause I'm, I'm out here looking like a bum.
00:19:27
Speaker
I'm not going to lie.
00:19:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:29
Speaker
It's almost like I haven't practiced dressing for, you know, a year or so.
00:19:33
Speaker
And so like, I haven't been dressing up really anything special and I swear I'm still getting a lot of attention.
00:19:41
Speaker
I think I wasn't expecting.
00:19:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:45
Speaker
It looks like they're trying to almost like force interactions with people because maybe they've been inside for a long time.
00:19:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:51
Speaker
I mean, I pretty much live in athleisure and so I look pretty kind of athleisure.
00:19:58
Speaker
So even if I'm going to a grocery store, I look like I'm on my way or coming back from the gym, like at all times when I'm not working pretty much.
00:20:06
Speaker
But yeah, like guys have gotten really, really bold.
00:20:09
Speaker
I haven't been, I haven't had this much street harassment since I was like 12 years old.
00:20:15
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:20:17
Speaker
I mean, so you need to strategise because it's going to be the same guys that are harassing random women on the street like Lilith.
00:20:26
Speaker
They're going to be the same guys trying to slide into your DMs.
00:20:29
Speaker
So you need to find a way to weed these people out.
00:20:32
Speaker
And I would say...
00:20:35
Speaker
probably the first rule of vetting is that understand that it will take a long time.
00:20:40
Speaker
It's not, I mean, we've touched on this before in previous episodes, but it's worth reemphasizing because I think some women get sort of, you know, freaked out at the prospect of, you know, do I have to bet for the rest of my life?
00:20:53
Speaker
And it's like, well,
00:20:54
Speaker
To some degree, yes.
00:20:56
Speaker
Like, vetting is always an ongoing
Online Vetting Strategies
00:20:58
Speaker
process.
00:20:58
Speaker
That's not to say that you still can't enjoy the relationship when, you know, after you've ascertained that he's, you know, high value and, you know, you're into it.
00:21:12
Speaker
But there needs to be an ongoing vetting process because you need to be able to acknowledge red flags when they come up and to act on it as well.
00:21:22
Speaker
And the second part is where I think in my experience, it's a lot more difficult to do.
00:21:29
Speaker
So women can verbalise the red flags.
00:21:32
Speaker
They can say, for example, he's taken ages to text me back or...
00:21:36
Speaker
He's really, he's being quite intense in how, in, you know, trying to talk about sex, for example, but then the action sort of, you know, falls through a bit.
00:21:48
Speaker
They tend, it's easy to become quite passive and not doing, and not do anything about it.
00:21:54
Speaker
So that's the reason why vetting should be an ongoing process.
00:21:57
Speaker
And essentially, just like anything, you know, vetting or your vetting muscle, like, so to speak, the more you do it, the easier it gets.
00:22:05
Speaker
And that's something that I've learned during lockdown as well.
00:22:08
Speaker
Like the more you, the more practice you get, like cutting men off at the first red flag or picking up on their tells, so to speak, which we'll go into in this episode, it gets a lot easier.
00:22:24
Speaker
And here endeth the lesson.
00:22:30
Speaker
So how do we implement this?
00:22:32
Speaker
We had to take the process one step at a time.
00:22:35
Speaker
So how do we start vetting from like the moment you meet the guy?
00:22:39
Speaker
And then are there differences, you know, meeting a guy offline in your life versus meeting a guy online?
00:22:48
Speaker
So first steps when you meet a guy.
00:22:50
Speaker
Does he immediately send you a dick pic?
00:22:53
Speaker
Swipe left.
00:22:53
Speaker
No, I'm kidding.
00:22:54
Speaker
Unmatched.
00:22:58
Speaker
Like one of the worst messages, which is an instant ignore, is just a hi or just a hello.
00:23:04
Speaker
Instant ignore.
00:23:05
Speaker
Like, what do you expect me to do with that?
00:23:07
Speaker
Yeah, no, when a guy sends out one word messages, it's a sign that he's probably messaging multiple women.
00:23:13
Speaker
True, true.
00:23:15
Speaker
And that's like a pattern of behavior that you don't want.
00:23:19
Speaker
That's not relationship material, let's just say.
00:23:22
Speaker
They're just casting a wide net.
00:23:24
Speaker
trying to find the hoping someone bites yeah yeah casting out the the a wide net hoping someone bites and you know as we discussed in our cornelia episode like low investment means low reward and so he's just looking for a woman who has extremely low i'm i'm just wondering like do women actually reply to these what kind of woman just sees a high and is like oh my god a guy texted me like
00:23:48
Speaker
You know, like, does this actually work?
00:23:51
Speaker
But see, if he's cute, if he's actually cute, I'll just write back hi and then let him do the rest of the conversation.
00:23:58
Speaker
All right.
00:23:59
Speaker
I acknowledge your presence.
00:24:00
Speaker
It's up to you to do more of the heavy lifting.
00:24:03
Speaker
But generally...
00:24:05
Speaker
Yeah, I definitely I think you're right.
00:24:07
Speaker
It's like low effort from the beginning, low effort all the way through.
00:24:10
Speaker
But I will say I don't on the flip side, I don't like when guys write paragraphs because there's some guys that really and I almost feel bad because you can just tell they must not get a lot of matches.
00:24:18
Speaker
So they just really, really pitch themselves hard from the beginning.
00:24:22
Speaker
And I wouldn't say it's a red flag, but it is like a turn off, you know, because I'm already like, oh, this is like emotional labor I have to do.
00:24:30
Speaker
The best messages I've gotten from guys online are usually in the form of a question about something on my bio.
00:24:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:37
Speaker
And those at least show that they've read your bio.
00:24:39
Speaker
It's like a couple of lines, so it's not paragraphs, right?
00:24:43
Speaker
But yeah, so if a guy messages you something like brief, but shows that he read your bio, that's generally a promising sign.
00:24:50
Speaker
Yeah, and on the paragraphs note as well, don't get it twisted.
00:24:53
Speaker
These men can, they literally, they literally copy and paste.
00:24:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:56
Speaker
Like paragraphs to different women as well.
00:24:59
Speaker
So it's almost the same.
00:25:00
Speaker
It's, it's, it's the same.
00:25:02
Speaker
It's a different side of the same coin of the, the one word messages saying hello.
00:25:07
Speaker
The paragraph messages can also be a cut and paste job.
00:25:12
Speaker
And you'll know, because, because they won't, they won't reference it.
00:25:16
Speaker
pretty much anything that you've said.
00:25:17
Speaker
It'll just be very... It'll just be like a stock email that you get when you get rejected from a job sort of thing.
00:25:23
Speaker
It feels like I'm reading a flyer.
00:25:25
Speaker
Like someone just handed me a flyer to read.
00:25:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:27
Speaker
I'm not reading this shit.
00:25:28
Speaker
Like this is way too much...
00:25:31
Speaker
hey, I'm Josh and I'm looking for my soulmate.
00:25:33
Speaker
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:25:35
Speaker
And there's too many exclamation marks.
00:25:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:37
Speaker
And too much flowery language.
00:25:39
Speaker
So just make sure that, you know, any message is actually personalized to you.
00:25:43
Speaker
I think what I used to do actually on online dating was I would used to, you know, write about myself, write paragraphs.
00:25:48
Speaker
And then somewhere in the text, I would say, so, you know, when you message me, include this person.
00:25:55
Speaker
like code word it will be like a random word like you know for example you know like the martian or banana or something like that and out of the messages i would get maybe two men would have included the words and the ones who didn't include
In-Person Vetting Techniques
00:26:10
Speaker
the word that indicated to me that they had not read my profile so that was an instant block and delete so that was a good strategy as well
00:26:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:20
Speaker
I don't know how I feel about the, like, tell me the code word thing.
00:26:23
Speaker
Cause I used to do, um, I want to, I don't know if I want to tell this story, but there are times where, you know, sometimes you're looking at someone's profile for something not dating related, but they'll be like, Oh, to prove me, you've, uh, read my profile, you know, have this code word and so on.
00:26:39
Speaker
And I don't know.
00:26:40
Speaker
I feel like there's a, like what I like to do personally is I'll have, um,
00:26:45
Speaker
I'll say something like, oh, when you send me a message, tell me your favorite this or that, or, you know, tell me about something that you did recently.
00:26:52
Speaker
Like, I'll ask them to... Yeah.
00:26:55
Speaker
I'll solicit... Yeah, that's a good one.
00:26:56
Speaker
And that's actually good, because that gives a guy an opening to, you know, you're saying, like, oh, tell me about, you know, a recent project that you're proud of, or something like that, right?
00:27:05
Speaker
And then that gives... That's a conversation starter.
00:27:08
Speaker
And then if he doesn't take it, then, yeah, he's really hopeless, so, yeah.
00:27:12
Speaker
Anyways.
00:27:12
Speaker
Because you've given him the help.
00:27:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:15
Speaker
Yeah, if you've helped him out by offering a conversation starter and he doesn't do that, then yeah, he's beyond help.
00:27:20
Speaker
So swipe left.
00:27:22
Speaker
To get it.
00:27:23
Speaker
It's like throwing someone, if someone's drowning, you throw them a life ring and they just like go, nah, I'd rather drown.
00:27:29
Speaker
So yeah, we've covered the online side.
00:27:31
Speaker
How about, do you guys have any tips for in-person meetings?
00:27:35
Speaker
So when I meet guys in person, it's also because you don't know anything about them, right?
00:27:41
Speaker
Unless they're a person that you know connected from a friend or from work, you almost have to like do all the basics of like, what do you do?
00:27:49
Speaker
Where are you from?
00:27:50
Speaker
Talk about their family, try to figure out their life circumstance.
00:27:54
Speaker
Now, this hasn't been as common as I feel like I've
00:27:59
Speaker
started to weed my circle a lot smaller.
00:28:05
Speaker
But I remember distinctly, especially when I was really young, when I would ask guys what they do, someone would just be like, well, I get money.
00:28:11
Speaker
Or like...
00:28:14
Speaker
I'm a hustler.
00:28:15
Speaker
I hustle.
00:28:16
Speaker
I'm an entrepreneur.
00:28:18
Speaker
Yeah, I'm an entrepreneur.
00:28:19
Speaker
So I feel like then I would be looking for tells for men.
00:28:22
Speaker
He's a drug dealer.
00:28:22
Speaker
Yeah, I was looking for tells that men for men who have no fucking job.
00:28:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:29
Speaker
That's the first thing you got to do when you meet a guy and you don't know anything about him is try to ascertain what he's doing with his life.
00:28:38
Speaker
Right.
00:28:39
Speaker
Right.
00:28:39
Speaker
You know, especially if you're both out of school.
00:28:42
Speaker
When I was young, when I was in school and I was like, you know, in my early teens and early 20s, I would just meet all types of guys.
00:28:47
Speaker
And then you really had to do the legwork there to figure out who actually has a job, who's actually in school, who's actually just like a street pharmacist, if you will.
00:28:55
Speaker
Or street pharmacist.
00:28:58
Speaker
Street pharmacist!
00:29:01
Speaker
Yeah, or who's like a...
00:29:04
Speaker
A fake, what's that, what's that like fake entrepreneur, there's a name for it.
00:29:09
Speaker
Like the Kyles with the MLM, like.
00:29:12
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, the Kyles, who's got a multi-level marketing scheme.
00:29:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:21
Speaker
At least when women do MLMs, they'll sell like makeup or leggings.
00:29:24
Speaker
When men do MLMs, they'll sell like shitty, like think fluencer nonsense.
00:29:29
Speaker
Like Forex trading.
00:29:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:32
Speaker
They're like, join my, you know, MLM for talking about like men's self-improvement and we can complain about women.
00:29:38
Speaker
That's pretty much what all men's self-improvement involves.
00:29:41
Speaker
But anyways.
00:29:42
Speaker
He says he's a dating coach.
00:29:44
Speaker
Run.
00:29:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:46
Speaker
Yes.
00:29:46
Speaker
Run.
00:29:47
Speaker
Run.
00:29:48
Speaker
You send Bolt out of there.
00:29:50
Speaker
Another one is guys who are dog trainers, but like not actual dog trainers.
00:29:54
Speaker
Like, how do I explain this?
00:29:55
Speaker
Like, I met a guy who had a TikTok where he talks, where he teaches his dogs to do like schutzund, which is like attacking on command, but he's not a professional dog trainer.
00:30:05
Speaker
He just wants a dog that can eat people's face off.
00:30:08
Speaker
I'm like, that's fucking, you're a lunatic.
00:30:09
Speaker
You're a psycho.
00:30:11
Speaker
Never talk to him again after that.
00:30:13
Speaker
Anyways.
00:30:15
Speaker
That's very specific.
00:30:16
Speaker
But anyways.
00:30:19
Speaker
So yeah, after that conversation, you usually have to go Google them and see if you can find them on LinkedIn or something like that.
00:30:24
Speaker
Because I mean, there's guys that have told me they were executives.
00:30:27
Speaker
They are not executives.
00:30:31
Speaker
CEO of my mom's basement.
00:30:34
Speaker
I've seen guys say, like, I'm self-employed.
00:30:36
Speaker
I find out what they do.
00:30:37
Speaker
They play games on Twitch.
00:30:39
Speaker
Now, you can earn a lot of money on Twitch, but it's a bit like OnlyFans, really, the top, like, 1%.
00:30:46
Speaker
And I don't think you'd be working part-time in a grocery store if you were earning decent money on Twitch.
00:30:53
Speaker
But anyway, continue.
00:30:54
Speaker
Sorry, that was just my anecdote.
00:30:55
Speaker
Yeah, Twitch is just OnlyFans for men.
00:30:59
Speaker
I mean, yeah.
00:31:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:05
Speaker
You know, that's not wrong.
00:31:09
Speaker
That needs to go on the subreddit somewhere.
00:31:11
Speaker
Twitch is just only fans right now.
00:31:13
Speaker
Twitch is only fans.
00:31:20
Speaker
That needs to go on the subreddit somewhere.
00:31:22
Speaker
That's brilliant.
00:31:25
Speaker
Like just low, low effort voyeurism.
00:31:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:30
Speaker
Low effort voyeurism.
00:31:31
Speaker
Exactly.
00:31:33
Speaker
So, yeah.
00:31:37
Speaker
So with that, I mean, and this is one of those times where we are going to be accused of being shallow, but, you know, see if his overall presentation matches the,
00:31:47
Speaker
matches the lifestyle he's trying to pretend he lives.
00:31:51
Speaker
Yes, there are some guys who are very wealthy that dress like bums or whatever, but generally by that point they... But also watch out for guys that dress expensively but are actually broke.
00:32:04
Speaker
All of their money they spend on Versace suits, but they actually have zero dollars in their bank account.
00:32:11
Speaker
Guys who are fake rich or pretend to be more than what they actually are.
00:32:15
Speaker
It really depends on like the culture you live into because there's some places in the country where, yes, everything's very buttoned up.
00:32:21
Speaker
People wear like fancy suits to work and there's other places where, especially like where there's a lot of tech startups where the casual look is more in for guys in that kind of arena.
00:32:32
Speaker
So there's a lot of guys faking it, you know, who are trying to say, oh, I run a startup or I do this or I do that.
00:32:38
Speaker
There's nothing wrong with that.
00:32:39
Speaker
I'm not, you know, I'm not knocking being an entrepreneur, but it just means that you have to be a little bit more,
00:32:46
Speaker
Disciplined.
00:32:46
Speaker
Yeah, a little bit more disciplined, a little bit more curious about like, okay, what exactly is your startup?
00:32:50
Speaker
You know, it's one thing to say,
00:32:53
Speaker
okay, I'm creating a product or service that's actually useful to people, you know, even media, even for like a blogger or something that's building... Or a content creator online or something like that.
00:33:05
Speaker
Content creator.
00:33:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:06
Speaker
Creating some kind of value for people is fine.
00:33:08
Speaker
But yeah, but like you said, there's also guys that just have multi-level marketing schemes and then you got to watch out for those.
00:33:15
Speaker
Because those guys...
00:33:16
Speaker
In order to be sort of successful, like you really have to not give a fuck about people.
00:33:20
Speaker
And some of those guys do a lot of shady tactics like targeting the elderly.
Supporting Struggling Men: Risks & Realities
00:33:24
Speaker
And, you know, you really got to kind of figure out where his his personal morality lies and then figuring out his actual ability to execute a business plan.
00:33:36
Speaker
Yeah, because having an ability to execute a business plan is absolutely a high value trait.
00:33:42
Speaker
It indicates self-discipline and a work ethic, and those are all good qualities.
00:33:46
Speaker
But there's a lot of guys out there who are pretending to have those qualities so that they can get the perceived social benefits that are associated with that when they haven't actually done the work.
00:33:55
Speaker
Yes, if you're dating in that kind of pool...
00:33:58
Speaker
that's what you look for.
00:33:59
Speaker
If you're dating more like working class guys, I feel like working guys, working class guys tend to wear their professionals like a badge of honor.
00:34:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:07
Speaker
So it's a little bit more straightforward with them.
00:34:10
Speaker
Um, because you know, either they have like the equipment or not.
00:34:13
Speaker
Right.
00:34:13
Speaker
Like I, I was seeing a firefighter for a little bit and like, you know, he had pictures in his fire equipment.
00:34:17
Speaker
I doubt he went anywhere to like rent this very expensive fireman equipment, like to pretend to be a fireman.
00:34:29
Speaker
I date working class guys, even though I have like a bachelor's degree.
00:34:32
Speaker
I actually very much like dating guys who are like trades people, you know, like carpenters, pipe fitters, plumbers, that kind of, that's my niche.
00:34:39
Speaker
That's my dating type.
00:34:40
Speaker
Right.
00:34:41
Speaker
Um, and I, I actually quite, I've had really good positive experiences with them.
00:34:45
Speaker
Then here's the thing, like they do make good money, like pipe fitters, uh,
00:34:49
Speaker
up north make like easily six figures and they're 21 so you know um it's not about it's about money but it's not about money but also that sort of man's often like takes pride in you know taking a woman out doing nice things for her being chivalrous and so on at least in my personal experience
00:35:09
Speaker
I'm not saying every working class guy is an angel, but, you know, if you do your vetting right, then you can find some hidden gems.
00:35:17
Speaker
Because, yeah, because they have money.
00:35:18
Speaker
And like also, especially if these guys grew up working class, they may or may not have grown up with money.
00:35:22
Speaker
So when they get money there, I feel like in some respects, they're more likely to want to be generous or share the wealth versus the aforementioned money.
00:35:30
Speaker
white collar startup guys, they're so cheap because they're like, well, I have to put money in my business.
00:35:35
Speaker
And like, you know, they might be living on a fixed income because they're trying to pour all their money into their business if they actually have it.
00:35:41
Speaker
And then that's actually sometimes a shittier experience.
00:35:44
Speaker
I need to save every last penny to, you know, spend on Bitcoin or whatever, right?
00:35:48
Speaker
Like, yeah.
00:35:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:49
Speaker
They're going to nickel and dime everything.
00:35:50
Speaker
And so I feel like at that point, you really got to decide, okay, do I believe in this guy's quote unquote dream enough to want to keep investing in this date?
00:35:58
Speaker
I would almost say like no off top.
00:36:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:01
Speaker
Like let him get his life together because, because yeah, we talk about this all the time about if he does become successful, a lot of times that's when guys want to upgrade with women anyways, or like perceived upgrade with women.
00:36:11
Speaker
They want to change the type of woman they date.
00:36:14
Speaker
So a lot of times when you see, when you're around these guys that are struggling or they're in the trenches,
00:36:19
Speaker
you know, it's a startup, right?
00:36:21
Speaker
Like it could bust or it could go wildly successful.
00:36:24
Speaker
But the question is, if you were talking about a monetary investment, then you'd almost have a much more tangible guarantee on a return on your investment.
00:36:34
Speaker
But as a romantic investment, even if he does get successful, it's likely he'll want to capitalize on that success in his romantic life and then ditch you anyways.
00:36:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:45
Speaker
You know, unless he's like super marriage minded, which is really hard
00:36:48
Speaker
which, you know, which I doubt for a guy who's not stable, then I would probably skip it.
00:36:52
Speaker
Yeah, I'd say definitely proceed with caution with these like entrepreneur startup guys, or especially a guy who's just starting a business because I've read way too many stories of women where they start dating a guy and he basically treats her like free labor.
00:37:06
Speaker
Like I remember reading this one story on Reddit where a guy had like a catering business and he had his girlfriend working like 60 hour work weeks for free.
00:37:15
Speaker
to start his, to invest in his catering business.
00:37:18
Speaker
And like, he was being kind of like a dickhead to her and, you know, not appreciating her in the relationship, literally just like, she was just slave labor.
00:37:26
Speaker
And so that's why I say like, be very, very careful with guys who are starting a business.
00:37:29
Speaker
One set boundaries about what type, you know, you're not going to work for them for their business, especially not for free.
00:37:37
Speaker
If they want to pay you, that's, that's another matter that you can consider.
00:37:40
Speaker
But, and the other thing is guys,
00:37:43
Speaker
With these sorts of guys, if you invest emotionally or labor-wise in his business early, as Ro said, if he does become successful, he's just going to probably dump you and upgrade for someone he needs.
00:37:59
Speaker
you know, can get more social, social clout by dating.
00:38:02
Speaker
Right.
00:38:03
Speaker
Um, yeah.
00:38:05
Speaker
Or date a woman that other men will be like, oh my gosh, like she's total arm candy kind of thing.
00:38:09
Speaker
You know, he wants a trophy, like he'll want a trophy wife to kind of signify that success.
00:38:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:14
Speaker
And he will think, here's the thing when you, when you get with a guy, when he's struggling, he will think that you're a loser for being with him when he was a loser.
00:38:21
Speaker
So when he does eventually become successful, like nine times out of 10, he will look down on you for being with him when he was broke.
00:38:27
Speaker
And that's just the saddest thing about that.
00:38:30
Speaker
That is one of those things where women really, really, really get led astray, where the overall cultural message is that like, oh, if you invest in a guy when he's struggling, then you guys can experience success together.
00:38:42
Speaker
But that is just not how men work, right?
00:38:45
Speaker
And they complain.
00:38:46
Speaker
What kills me is like, if you ever watch these other comedians like Bill Burr and stuff, they continuously complain about gold diggers and how women only show up to the finish line when men are already successful.
00:38:56
Speaker
It's because of bullshit like this is because there's no benefit to the struggle because there's no guarantee and almost like an anti guarantee that if you struggle with a man, that he'll actually be there.
00:39:07
Speaker
to support you still when you're doing well.
00:39:10
Speaker
That's actually more or less the exception rather than the rule.
00:39:13
Speaker
And it's so common.
00:39:15
Speaker
There's names for it, right?
00:39:16
Speaker
Like the starter wife, right?
00:39:18
Speaker
The idea that you're with a woman when you're broke and then you become successful and you divorce her and you upgrade to like a woman.
00:39:25
Speaker
I don't even like the word upgrade, but like you start dating a woman you wouldn't have been able to get when you were broke, aka a gold digger.
00:39:34
Speaker
Yeah.
Texting Behavior & Red Flags
00:39:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:39:35
Speaker
Guys love complaining about gold diggers.
00:39:37
Speaker
They love complaining about how women wait at the finish line and only want guys who are already successful.
00:39:41
Speaker
And I'm like, bitch, you brought that upon yourself.
00:39:44
Speaker
Okay.
00:39:45
Speaker
Guys aren't mad at gold diggers.
00:39:46
Speaker
They're just mad.
00:39:46
Speaker
They can't afford one.
00:39:48
Speaker
Exactly.
00:39:49
Speaker
So I don't blame, I mean, we don't really particularly do like the hypergamy gold digging content, but it's not like we blame them.
00:39:54
Speaker
It makes total sense.
00:39:55
Speaker
And just to, and just to circle back to, um, to Lila's point about working for, um,
00:40:02
Speaker
I think a high value man would recognize your contributions and he would acknowledge that either in the form of salary or equity, which would be even better in the business.
00:40:14
Speaker
He wouldn't just allow you to work for free.
00:40:17
Speaker
free for years like on something that you don't benefit from because a lot of these women they're working for free being social media manager being admin assistant and they don't even have equity in the business so he can literally up sticks and leave and you're left with literally nothing and in the meantime whilst you're slaving away on his business you're neglecting your own you know career or passions to support him it's just
00:40:43
Speaker
if you are going to go down that route, you need to play it smart and make sure that you're well compensated for your efforts is all I'm saying.
00:40:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:50
Speaker
And these guys are usually like penny pinching guys too.
00:40:53
Speaker
Like they're like, Oh, I need to save every last penny for investing in my business and so on.
00:40:57
Speaker
So yeah, it's not going to be a fun time.
00:40:59
Speaker
It's not going to be fun.
00:41:00
Speaker
Like that's the thing.
00:41:01
Speaker
Like dating should be fun.
00:41:03
Speaker
For you as a woman.
00:41:04
Speaker
And so that's why I generally avoid these types of guys.
00:41:07
Speaker
Like if I want to date a guy my own age, that's why I find young guys who do trades to be like the perfect, the perfect niche.
00:41:15
Speaker
And they're generally pretty gentlemanly too.
00:41:17
Speaker
Not always, but most of the time.
00:41:20
Speaker
So shifting on a bit, so we now move on to initial interactions.
00:41:25
Speaker
So I'm going to assume that in the early stages that the bulk of people's interactions, whether you meet them online or in person, is going to be over text or instant messaging.
00:41:39
Speaker
And I actually find that this is a very, very good way to vet somebody, because
00:41:45
Speaker
A lot of the, in my experiences, the way a guy comes across in text messages can actually be very revealing.
00:41:55
Speaker
And it's not only just about what they do say, it's also what they don't say as well.
00:42:00
Speaker
So does he, for example, does he only text you after 10pm?
00:42:07
Speaker
If that's the case, it's highly likely he doesn't take you very seriously.
00:42:11
Speaker
And you're probably the side chick or the side piece.
00:42:16
Speaker
Because I mean, texting after 10pm, he's not going to be asking you about your day.
00:42:21
Speaker
He's going to be after one thing, which is probably nude.
00:42:26
Speaker
I don't see.
00:42:26
Speaker
I've never understood that because I'm asleep after that.
00:42:29
Speaker
Maybe I'm like an old lady who just has a bedtime.
00:42:32
Speaker
But like if he texts me after 10 o'clock, I'm not going to read until the next morning.
00:42:37
Speaker
Yeah, my phone, like I have the setting where it puts everything on silent after 9 p.m.
00:42:43
Speaker
So good luck trying to reach me.
00:42:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:47
Speaker
I'm not looking at my phone.
00:42:48
Speaker
It literally doesn't go through.
00:42:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:50
Speaker
So is he also timely with his responses?
00:42:54
Speaker
Now, I think on the subreddit a few weeks ago, there was a discussion about what is a good text and frequency.
00:43:01
Speaker
Personally, I wouldn't want to text with a guy all day.
00:43:04
Speaker
I've done that before and it breeds, as we've spoken about before, it breeds false intimacy and it's a massive waste of your time as well.
00:43:12
Speaker
If you, you know, high value women have, you know, shit to do, not...
00:43:16
Speaker
be texting all day.
00:43:17
Speaker
But when I say timely, I mean, you know, within a couple of hours, if he's taking days to respond, so you text on a Monday, he's not, and he responds on a Thursday.
00:43:27
Speaker
Yeah, cut him off.
00:43:28
Speaker
That's a red flag.
00:43:30
Speaker
He should be, I'm not saying you should respond instantly, because I would expect him to be busy as well.
00:43:35
Speaker
But it should be timely, because
00:43:38
Speaker
And, you know, women shouldn't buy into the excuse that he's bad with texting or he's really busy.
00:43:44
Speaker
Bullshit!
00:43:45
Speaker
He's not the president.
00:43:46
Speaker
Like, it's complete bullshit.
00:43:48
Speaker
Like, if a guy wants to make contact with you, he always will, no matter how busy he is.
00:43:54
Speaker
He always will.
00:43:56
Speaker
I mean, he had time to make a profile and check his profile on Tinder or OkCupid or whatever.
00:44:03
Speaker
So it's one of those things where if you're not interested in actually dating someone and you actually talk enough to exchange numbers, you know, the clock is ticking as far as that.
00:44:12
Speaker
Like, he's got to know that once he has your number, like, you're not going to remember him a month down the line.
00:44:17
Speaker
He's like, hey, it's me from Tinder.
00:44:20
Speaker
Like, who the fuck?
00:44:21
Speaker
You know, like, you might have met like five more guys after that.
00:44:24
Speaker
Yeah, that's actually literally happened to me where I'll literally, like, a guy will text me after I've deleted his number and I'm literally, like, I have no, I don't respond, but he'll be like, hey, like, acting all familiar, I'm literally like, I have no idea who you are.
00:44:38
Speaker
Literally none.
00:44:39
Speaker
But anyway, that's an aside.
00:44:41
Speaker
But people try to say, especially on some of the dating subreddits, and this is where the gaslighting comes in, that texting isn't indicative of his interest.
00:44:51
Speaker
And for me, I don't think that's true.
00:44:53
Speaker
I've often found that when the texting frequency changes, as in he goes from responding in a couple of hours to maybe 24 or even 48 hours,
00:45:03
Speaker
that's when the relationship or the entanglement is in its death throats.
00:45:07
Speaker
Like, it doesn't recover after that.
00:45:10
Speaker
If he's taking his time responding, that's because he's not interested.
00:45:15
Speaker
And we live in a world now where everybody has their phone at close, you know, close by.
00:45:21
Speaker
Like, even if...
00:45:22
Speaker
because i know in some professions you're not allowed your phone on you which is which is fair enough but i think if a guy knows that he's going to be unavailable and he's interested he will tell you um i'm not going to be available but and he will make concrete plans as to when he will contact you next he won't just leave you hanging then come back saying i'm busy or or my favorite or my phone was broken
00:45:45
Speaker
Bullshit.
00:45:46
Speaker
Plus, we always say, you know, sooner rather than later, try to do the Skype meeting or, you know, some kind of FaceTime meeting so that you're actually having face-to-face interaction and you don't have to spend so much time texting.
00:45:58
Speaker
Because texting does just suck up your evening if you're not careful.
00:46:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:02
Speaker
Yeah. 100%.
00:46:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:05
Speaker
Texting is one of those things where my standards are actually very low just because I'm also a bad texter.
00:46:10
Speaker
And I generally will only text someone to, like, make plans or, you know, for, like, something.
00:46:17
Speaker
Like, it has to have a specific purpose.
00:46:19
Speaker
I don't really like to just, like, text back and forth.
00:46:21
Speaker
And I really dislike guys who, like, what are you – why do you have so much free time?
00:46:26
Speaker
Like, where you're just texting back and forth for –
00:46:28
Speaker
like all day.
00:46:29
Speaker
Right.
00:46:30
Speaker
So if a guy takes up to 24 hours to respond, I don't really mind just because I kind of do that too.
00:46:34
Speaker
Um, you know, if you're like busy or if you work or, you know, you're sleeping or so on, but yeah, more than 24 hours, it's like really like, have you gone an entire, has anyone ever gone an entire day without checking their phone?
00:46:46
Speaker
I have times where I've unplugged, but that's usually like deliberate.
00:46:49
Speaker
And I tell people, I'll tell people in advance if I'm doing a social media detox.
00:46:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:55
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:46:56
Speaker
Like that's completely different to just not responding.
00:47:00
Speaker
Yeah, if a guy doesn't text me for like two weeks and then text me back like weeks later, I'm just thinking, yeah, he probably was like seeing another girl and it didn't work out.
00:47:08
Speaker
And he's just like coming back to see his old prospects.
00:47:12
Speaker
Exactly.
00:47:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:13
Speaker
When you're getting to know each other, it's not like you expect to be number one right away, but you do expect the common courtesy for people not to waste your time.
00:47:20
Speaker
That's exactly it.
00:47:21
Speaker
Like, I don't, when I've just met a guy, I don't expect to be his number one.
00:47:24
Speaker
But also, if he's stringing me along for, like, days at a time, that's just kind of, especially because when I text, I have a purpose.
00:47:31
Speaker
I'm like, let's make plans.
00:47:32
Speaker
And if he doesn't respond to that for, like, a day or two, then it's like, okay, clearly he doesn't want to make plans with me.
00:47:39
Speaker
That's the reason why I say, like, responses should be timely.
00:47:41
Speaker
I don't put a number on it, like, he has to respond within two hours or three hours.
00:47:46
Speaker
I think it depends on the individual schedule, but it
00:47:50
Speaker
it should feel timely like it shouldn't feel like the conversation is stilted because he's taking so long to respond and i think anything within 24 hours at least when you're first getting to know each other is is reasonable i think when i was online dating i would say i think i even gave him maybe 48 hours i was being in a generous pick me spirit um and i would say if he hasn't responded in 48 hours he's blocked i don't know like blocked i
00:48:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:48:19
Speaker
I don't know if I'd say me personally, I would just not respond to them.
00:48:23
Speaker
And then if they messaged me weeks later asking for a booty call, then blocked.
00:48:26
Speaker
Yeah.
00:48:27
Speaker
Oh, I just straight up blocked.
00:48:28
Speaker
Like, I just, yeah.
00:48:30
Speaker
Nice.
00:48:31
Speaker
I just blocked.
00:48:31
Speaker
So on the other hand, have you guys ever gotten text vomiters, guys that just like legit...
00:48:38
Speaker
fill up your inbox with bullshit or or they they they only write a few words per text and then it's like bing bing bing that is also annoying yeah no i hate that yeah yeah like send me one message i hate the like hey what's up how's it going what are you doing
00:48:55
Speaker
emoji, like as a separate, as like separate messages that, oh my God, that just drives my cortisol through the roof.
00:49:03
Speaker
There's actually an app that you can create paragraphs and it'll send a text message.
00:49:08
Speaker
And some guy used, like some guy I met offline who I immediately blocked because he just kept my phone going off constantly, would literally write paragraphs that would be sent to me in text form.
00:49:17
Speaker
I was like, and I felt bad because I felt like he was trying to impress me, but it, and it
00:49:23
Speaker
I don't know how to say this, but it came across like maybe he was on the spectrum, like really, really smart guy, went to like an Ivy League school.
00:49:29
Speaker
But the way he was interacting with me was so forced and unnatural that I was like, is this working on any woman ever?
00:49:39
Speaker
Can we also talk about the fuckboy emojis?
00:49:43
Speaker
Across my time, I've always seen, like, especially when the guys are fuckboy, they always tend to use the same emoji.
00:49:51
Speaker
So, you know, one I've identified is the excessive use of the winky face or the cheeky-looking face.
00:50:00
Speaker
It's not really cheeky, but, like, the...
00:50:03
Speaker
How do I describe it?
00:50:04
Speaker
It's like the sideways looking one.
00:50:07
Speaker
Yes, that's it.
00:50:07
Speaker
Yes.
00:50:09
Speaker
And if he uses LOL after saying something that is sexually suggestive, these are probably all signs he's a fuckboy.
00:50:16
Speaker
Yeah, the smirk sign.
00:50:17
Speaker
The smirk, that's it, the smirk one.
00:50:20
Speaker
Yeah, guys who smirk a lot.
00:50:22
Speaker
Let me pull over.
00:50:23
Speaker
Because there's men who I've been, I've done like a Skype date with and didn't go further because of like their smirky, snarky attitude.
00:50:30
Speaker
And I was like, who is this for?
00:50:33
Speaker
I don't know if they're just naturally like that or if it's like pickup artistry, right?
00:50:37
Speaker
I think the smirky emojis is indicative of them trying to...
00:50:41
Speaker
create that distance between you and them where it makes them seem more high value than they actually
00:50:49
Speaker
See, smirking or just in generally like a contemptuous facial expression to me is a red flag for narcissists.
00:50:57
Speaker
And I know that might sound like crazy to say or like way too much of a blanket generalization.
00:51:03
Speaker
But in my personal experience, at least like the guys who do that, like haughty, like narcissistic or that sort of haughty smirk, like they think they're so much better than you and so on or whatever.
00:51:17
Speaker
they're usually like either covert or overt nurse, uh, narcissists.
00:51:21
Speaker
And I don't fuck with that.
00:51:22
Speaker
No, it's a red flag.
00:51:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:25
Speaker
So the, the emojis, yeah, it is either it's a smirky contemptuous thing or it's them taking the conversation too sexual too soon.
00:51:32
Speaker
So that smirk almost has a dual bad meaning.
00:51:35
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:51:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:39
Speaker
Suggestive smirk.
00:51:40
Speaker
And that's another thing as well to vet for when you're having the general conversations.
00:51:46
Speaker
Is he showing a genuine interest in getting to know you?
Healthy Communication & Conflict Resolution
00:51:52
Speaker
Is he asking lots of questions, for example?
00:51:55
Speaker
and signs to watch out for is he's saying too much too soon.
00:52:00
Speaker
The concept is called future faking.
00:52:05
Speaker
And it's basically when someone promises something in the future to get what they want in the present.
00:52:14
Speaker
The reason why, and I suppose, I mean, the difference between somebody who future fakes and somebody who says,
00:52:22
Speaker
I'll do something in six months time and actually delivers is that people who future fake they tend to do it because it gets some rewards in the present so say for example you meet a guy and he says I really want us to be to have a serious relationship with you I really see myself being with you and then you know like say for example you then um
00:52:46
Speaker
You sleep together, for example, and then he realises that actually, you know, you're not the one for me.
00:52:51
Speaker
Now, people do have the right to change their mind, but this is also why I don't recommend women essentially going to men, you know, saying, you know, I need to wait six months before I have sex, because there are some men that will put on an act for that length of time to get exactly what they want and then disappear.
00:53:13
Speaker
So future faking is something that you have to watch out for.
00:53:15
Speaker
And I think a tale that a guy is not being genuine is, is he saying stuff that just sounds, I guess, almost too sweet?
00:53:25
Speaker
There's, you know, so like, is he over complimenting you almost?
00:53:31
Speaker
Like a guy can't possibly know your character within the first few conversations.
00:53:37
Speaker
Any compliment that he's directing your way, it should be based on information he already has.
00:53:44
Speaker
And if he's saying stuff that you haven't revealed to him or stuff that is a bit too flowery, he's probably trying to love bomb you and future fake you.
00:53:57
Speaker
So that's a red flag.
00:53:59
Speaker
Yeah, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
00:54:02
Speaker
Like, if he's talking about getting married, if he's talking about wanting to get married and having babies and stuff like that, and it's only been two weeks, it's like, ugh.
00:54:12
Speaker
I had a guy once say I love you the first time we fucked and I was just like, mmm.
00:54:18
Speaker
Yeah, like in the middle of sex and I was just like, mmm, no.
00:54:21
Speaker
It didn't sit right with me.
00:54:23
Speaker
Because it's like, much as people rag on FDS for our vetting strategies, a high value man will also be doing the same.
00:54:31
Speaker
He will also be vetting in his own way to make sure that he knows what he's getting into and what he's getting into is what he actually wants.
00:54:40
Speaker
And
00:54:41
Speaker
And he gets into a relationship where he's able to be his authentic self and to bring his best self as well.
00:54:49
Speaker
So he's also vetting.
00:54:51
Speaker
So if somebody is love bombing and future faking, that is a very good sign that they're low value and insincere.
00:54:58
Speaker
Because a high value man wouldn't do that.
00:55:00
Speaker
Even if, because I know many high value men, my brother-in-law's one, he, from...
00:55:07
Speaker
I mean, they said at my sister's wedding that the day his best man was his best friend and his best man was saying how I think a couple of days after he saw my sister and they met for the first time, he was like, that's the woman I'm going to marry.
00:55:24
Speaker
But he didn't then rush back to my sister and then start talking about marriage and kids straight away.
00:55:31
Speaker
He might have had that thought initially.
00:55:34
Speaker
But then he continued to vet for several years until he finally proposed and said, yes, you're going to be my wife.
00:55:41
Speaker
So that's the difference between the two.
00:55:43
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:55:43
Speaker
That's actually so true.
00:55:44
Speaker
And when you hear stories of men and women who are happily married, a lot of the times the guy will say, like, I knew within the first minute of talking to her that she'd be my wife one day.
00:55:54
Speaker
But the thing is, is like, if he's not a total fucking idiot, he's not going to just blurt that out to you and be like, I want to marry you.
00:56:02
Speaker
Like, that's just creepy.
00:56:03
Speaker
Like, that's just too much too soon, right?
00:56:06
Speaker
A good man, a decent man with good people skills will know to build attraction over time.
00:56:12
Speaker
Exactly.
00:56:12
Speaker
And he's going to know that if he says that, he'll scare you away.
00:56:16
Speaker
And he doesn't want to do that.
00:56:17
Speaker
So he's also vetting in his own way.
00:56:21
Speaker
um you know vetting is not something that is just exclusive to fds queens it's something high value men are doing as well in their own way yeah because only low value men have like no standards and don't vet right exactly because low value men just want whatever they can get that's why they have no vetting process like they want to fuck anything they want to use anything that um that comes their way they're not looking for let them
00:56:46
Speaker
Don't let them
Trusting Instincts & Setting Boundaries
00:56:47
Speaker
use them.
00:56:47
Speaker
They're not looking for a genuine relationship, which is why they find the concept of vetting so bizarre, because, you know, they're probably thinking, well, if I was to vet, I wouldn't get anything.
00:56:57
Speaker
So they just don't.
00:56:59
Speaker
Also with the conversation as well.
00:57:02
Speaker
I think the way a man can, I mean, for me anyway, a man has to be able to hold a decent conversation because I'm not out here looking to get bored in my relationships.
00:57:14
Speaker
He needs to be able to hold a conversation about different topics.
00:57:18
Speaker
And he needs to be able to, if you don't agree on something, he needs to be able to convey that respectfully.
00:57:25
Speaker
I don't want somebody who's just going to change their opinion to my own.
00:57:28
Speaker
That's happened to me before, where they just agree with everything I say.
00:57:31
Speaker
That's dead as hell and it's insincere.
00:57:34
Speaker
But I also don't want a contrarian or somebody who just likes to argue for the sake of it.
00:57:40
Speaker
So how he carries himself in day-to-day conversation is massively important.
00:57:45
Speaker
Does he respect your point of view?
00:57:48
Speaker
Does he listen to what you're saying?
00:57:51
Speaker
Like, I mean, reading or hearing you is not the same as listening to you.
00:57:55
Speaker
And being able to vet a man for good listening skills is so, so important because if you're in a relationship with a man who doesn't, who only hears you and not listens to you, you're going to be in for an extremely bad time.
00:58:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:58:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:58:10
Speaker
Social skills with men are highly underdeveloped skills in general.
00:58:16
Speaker
Soft skills are one of those things that you learn through experience, but also hopefully, I mean, if you had, if you had a good home life and great parents, they hopefully would have taught you a lot of these things.
00:58:27
Speaker
But also as you grow older, you start to learn them and you can just really tell the guys that put in the work, right.
00:58:33
Speaker
And the way that they, they approach conversations, right.
00:58:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:58:38
Speaker
you know, you seek to understand rather than seek to dominate or, you know, or just be charming, like make the actual conversation fun.
00:58:45
Speaker
Cause I don't even actually, I'm not, I'm not a person that,
00:58:49
Speaker
dislikes men that have opinions about things.
00:58:51
Speaker
But like, I don't want to be ranted at for like 30 minutes because a lot of men, when they say I'm opinionated, they think they just are not charming.
00:58:59
Speaker
I just like to talk for an hour uninterrupted.
00:59:01
Speaker
And I like when a woman claps like a seal at everything.
00:59:03
Speaker
Exactly.
00:59:04
Speaker
Exactly.
00:59:05
Speaker
And that creates an antagonistic relationship because I'm a clap backer, right?
00:59:10
Speaker
That's my own.
00:59:10
Speaker
That's my own work that I had to do was to learn how to walk the fuck away from
00:59:14
Speaker
those situations because you know my initial instinct is like I'm gonna fucking destroy this guy like because that's not a healthy dynamic to create in your relationships but I got you know I just get so sick of men and their quote-unquote opinions I always like to end up challenging them or like I do it with like a super dry sense of sarcasm or a way of like asking probing questions that makes them short circuit a little bit
00:59:40
Speaker
No, that's what I do.
00:59:41
Speaker
I go with the Socratic method.
00:59:45
Speaker
I have so many stories that are related to this.
00:59:48
Speaker
But one, for example, I was talking to a guy.
00:59:51
Speaker
We were talking about country music.
00:59:53
Speaker
And he...
00:59:56
Speaker
he's the sort of person who's like, oh, cancel culture is going too far or whatever.
01:00:00
Speaker
Anyways, we talk about like, um, I put on like the Dixie Chicks, right.
01:00:04
Speaker
And I started talking about, um, you know how Dixie Chicks got like canceled and like, I think it was like 2006 or something when she said, when she criticized George Bush and like all the conservative radio stations like banned them and stuff.
01:00:17
Speaker
And so I was like asking questions about that.
01:00:19
Speaker
And like, he said something, oh, well, like she betrayed her, her values or so.
01:00:24
Speaker
And just like asking questions that and just watching them turn themselves into knots, trying to explain why that's different from like liberal cancel culture and so on.
01:00:33
Speaker
And so, yeah, I just get a sort of sadistic pleasure watching guys, you know, do the mental gymnastics of trying to justify why their stupid opinion is correct.
01:00:42
Speaker
Being able to disagree and have opinions that are, you know, masterfully discussed and argued, but not antagonistic and alienating is a skill.
01:00:52
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely.
01:00:53
Speaker
To say that I don't want to be with a guy that has opinions on anything.
01:00:56
Speaker
I think I would be bored if I was with a guy that like never had an opinion on anything.
01:01:00
Speaker
Right.
01:01:00
Speaker
That was more or less like some guys are very go with the flow and those guys can be charming in other ways, too.
01:01:04
Speaker
So I'm not discounting them.
01:01:06
Speaker
But, you know, if you're the other type or you're like your person's very plugged in, very involved.
01:01:11
Speaker
they have to master the skill of artfully negotiating or artfully and charmingly discussing a topic so that, you know, you can have a pleasant dating experience with them and it doesn't always put you on the defensive.
01:01:26
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
01:01:27
Speaker
We were talking before this about how I want to record an episode where we talk about vetting a guy.
01:01:34
Speaker
And this is going to be probably like a whole separate episode where you want to know if a guy has a healthy relationship with conflict.
01:01:41
Speaker
You know, you don't want a guy who totally avoids all conflict, because if the guy, you know, if he's a total doormat and just rolls over and agrees with everything, first of all, he's probably lying.
01:01:51
Speaker
Like, I've seen this a lot with guys in porn, for example.
01:01:54
Speaker
Like, they'll say that they don't watch porn and they don't agree with porn, but they'll just watch it behind your back and lie to you about it because they don't want you to get mad at them.
01:02:01
Speaker
So guys that are very conflict avoidant like that can be just as toxic as guys who are excessively contrarian.
01:02:07
Speaker
And I also don't like guys who are super contrarian either because they often turn out to be sort of like abusive actually.
01:02:12
Speaker
We'll just like criticize you and everything you do.
01:02:14
Speaker
Nothing you do is ever good enough.
01:02:16
Speaker
Every opinion you have is wrong.
01:02:17
Speaker
You try, you can't even get a word in edgewise without him like making fun of you or whatever.
01:02:22
Speaker
So those guys are also like too much conflict.
01:02:25
Speaker
You want someone who's in the middle and,
01:02:27
Speaker
you know, a balanced person who, you know, can respectfully disagree with you and like have a conversation with you about that in like a, and also have a good sense of humor about it.
01:02:37
Speaker
Right.
01:02:38
Speaker
Cause sometimes you're going to disagree on things and it's not going to be a deal breaker.
01:02:41
Speaker
If it's like, if it's not a big deal, right.
01:02:44
Speaker
If it's something minor, you just let the little things slide.
01:02:47
Speaker
And if you just have a good sense of humor about it, it's like, you know, you'll, you'll both just be happier that way.
01:02:52
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
01:02:53
Speaker
The final point I would like to make also is to trust your intuition.
01:02:58
Speaker
And this is something that, again, women aren't really conditioned to actually listen to because we are told we're overreacting or it's not that big a deal or we downplay, you know, the fact that our intuition is trying to tell us that something about this guy is off.
01:03:18
Speaker
I mean, I know from my experience, like my most damaging relationships, I always knew that even though they were saying and doing the right things, at least in the beginning, that something just felt off with them, like really, really off.
01:03:32
Speaker
And I ignored those signs and it ended up being really bad.
01:03:38
Speaker
So, and you don't need a reason or you don't need a legal case to cut someone off.
01:03:47
Speaker
If somebody is making you feel uneasy, that is reason enough.
01:03:51
Speaker
If you're not feeling it, that is reason enough.
01:03:53
Speaker
If you don't want to talk to them anymore, that is reason enough.
01:03:56
Speaker
I feel like women feel like, I feel like some women think they need almost like a legal argument to end a relationship.
01:04:04
Speaker
He has to cheat on me or he has to do something really egregious.
01:04:08
Speaker
And it doesn't have to be that way.
01:04:10
Speaker
If you're not feeling it in any way, shape or form, you can cut it off and you should cut it off as well.
01:04:16
Speaker
Because if you're feeling uneasy in the beginning, those feelings don't go away.
01:04:20
Speaker
Yeah.
01:04:21
Speaker
And you'll often find that you were right to feel that way.
01:04:25
Speaker
But it'll be months and years down the road and you would have encountered a lot of pain along the way.
01:04:31
Speaker
That reminds me of the dumb fox credo.
01:04:34
Speaker
If you've read the Why Men Love Bitches book, she talks about like just trusting your instincts as a woman and how powerful that is, because it's basically the idea that like an animal in nature doesn't really second guess.
01:04:46
Speaker
itself right because yeah yeah yeah if they if they feel like there's a predator nearby they fucking run there's no such thing as a vibe check really right i mean or they just attack it doesn't matter if that the predator in quotation marks is a baby or an old man who's incapable of hurting them they just attack them or run away
01:05:06
Speaker
They don't just sit there with the room on fire rationalizing to themselves.
01:05:10
Speaker
Like, this is fine.
01:05:12
Speaker
This is fine.
01:05:14
Speaker
I used to be the sort of person before FDS where I thought that, like, I had to have, like, a good reason to break up with someone.
01:05:19
Speaker
Like, if you're in a relationship with someone, you know, they have to, like, either cheat on you or, like, abuse you or do something really bad in order to justify you breaking up with them.
01:05:28
Speaker
Like, you can't just break up with them just because you don't like them.
01:05:31
Speaker
Or, you know, I used to think that you can't just break up with someone just because...
01:05:35
Speaker
you don't enjoy spending time with them as stupid as that sounds.
01:05:38
Speaker
But I wouldn't have entire relations with people where I don't even enjoy spending time with them.
01:05:42
Speaker
And I'm like, Oh, well, he's not a bad guy.
01:05:44
Speaker
Like, you know, so like, don't do that.
01:05:48
Speaker
If you're not enjoying this time you're spending with them, cut them off.
01:05:52
Speaker
There's no shame in that.
01:05:53
Speaker
You're not a bad person for doing that.
01:05:55
Speaker
You don't, you don't have to be around a man for a second that doesn't vibe with you.
01:06:00
Speaker
If we had one vetting strategy to tie the rest of these together is like, you don't have to be unhappy for a second.
01:06:08
Speaker
There's so much of our culture that just pressures women to put up with like discomfort to outright abuse.
01:06:14
Speaker
You know, that like, we're just taking back this idea that like, no, we don't have to do any of this shit.
01:06:19
Speaker
This is all like free emotional labor that society expects of women that nine times out of 10 doesn't particularly benefit or pay off.
01:06:27
Speaker
Your instincts are probably right.
01:06:29
Speaker
Yeah.
01:06:29
Speaker
you know, the questions you're asking and the things that you want to know, you know, if people try to accuse you of being shallow, they're probably wrong, right?
01:06:36
Speaker
They're probably, they serve a purpose in bringing you closer to the type of guy that you want.
01:06:41
Speaker
So if, if, if there's anything to be said about our writing strategies is trust your instincts.
01:06:47
Speaker
Yeah.
01:06:47
Speaker
Yeah.
Conclusion & Final Advice
01:06:48
Speaker
I do want to add some, some women have brought up that because of trauma or because of, you know, bad experiences in the past, sometimes their instincts are,
01:06:58
Speaker
not as tuned as they should be.
01:07:01
Speaker
Either they will give too many chances to people who don't deserve those chances and they aren't capable of like sensing danger or they'll be, they'll overcorrect and become like, if he breathes wrong, he's abusive.
01:07:15
Speaker
Or something like that, you know.
01:07:16
Speaker
And so if you're the sort of person where because of, you know, maybe you had a rough childhood or, you know, had a history of abuse in past relationships and so on, like, please, please go to therapy, find a qualified trauma specialist.
01:07:32
Speaker
If it's childhood therapy, someone who specializes in childhood trauma, to work on that so that you can develop and build those instincts and fine tune those instincts.
01:07:41
Speaker
Because the thing is, those instincts were always there underneath.
01:07:45
Speaker
You just need help bringing them to the surface and fine tuning them in practice.
01:07:51
Speaker
Yeah, 100%.
01:07:52
Speaker
And, you know, just like, yeah, just to tie everything off as well, I found that since I've been practicing FDS, I guess, principles, so things like, you know, looking for red flags and cutting them off,
01:08:07
Speaker
at the first sign of red flag, it gets easier.
01:08:11
Speaker
And, you know, once it becomes easier, dating becomes more enjoyable and a lot less intimidating.
01:08:17
Speaker
And you end up meeting better quality men as well, because your filter is so on point that you get quicker at filtering out the guys who you know are low value, who are not for you.
01:08:32
Speaker
So then you're more likely to encounter guys who you can actually have potentially a long lasting relationship with that is mutually beneficial.
01:08:43
Speaker
Yeah, and this is counterintuitive to what a lot of the other dating advice that's out there because so much of it's about like creating connections.
01:08:49
Speaker
And all this kind of stuff, it's always like, quote unquote, communicate and creating connections with guys and trying to be understanding.
01:08:57
Speaker
And the truth of the matter is, is the more you do that, the more you lose space in your life for the right guy.
01:09:04
Speaker
And the more that you are going to make yourself unhappy and those those little things.
01:09:08
Speaker
If I could send a message to my younger self is that those emotional labors and those little indignities add up and they start to really, really accumulate in a way that's unhealthy if you don't get really, really good with your cutoff game.
01:09:22
Speaker
So it is almost better to be ruthless and protect your emotional and mental health.
01:09:30
Speaker
than it is to make the error the other way.
01:09:32
Speaker
Because the truth of the matter is, first of all, there's a ton of money on the planet, but also every moment you spend uncomfortable is a moment you could have spent happy with a better dude or at least happy with yourself, right?
01:09:43
Speaker
And so you're more likely to meet the guy that's actually for you if you don't waste so much time trying to build connections with men that are not.
01:09:52
Speaker
And also recovering from bad connections, right?
01:09:56
Speaker
Because even if you have a bad connection, sometimes that could take years to get over.
01:10:00
Speaker
So it's so much better to just preserve your energy so that you are in the right mental, physical, emotional headspace to invite a good man into your life.
01:10:10
Speaker
Yeah, it's better to prevent a trauma from happening in the first place than it is to let the trauma happen and then have to deal with that after the fact.
01:10:18
Speaker
Like, I see all the time, like, people saying, oh, like, if you implement all these vetting strategies, then you could miss out on the opportunity of dating a really great guy.
01:10:26
Speaker
And it's like...
01:10:27
Speaker
So what?
01:10:28
Speaker
Like, say I turned down a guy and he actually deep down was like a really good guy all along.
01:10:33
Speaker
Like, I'm sure he's going to go along and make another woman very happy.
01:10:36
Speaker
That's not the end of the world.
01:10:37
Speaker
Like, that's the worst case scenario is like just not having a relationship, which is, you know, if you're single and you're happy with yourself, that shouldn't negatively impact your life at all.
01:10:47
Speaker
But the worst case scenario is if you do give a chance to a guy who you think might be great, he could turn out to be like abusive or, you know, just a waste of time and just like waste your energy and,
01:10:58
Speaker
uh keep you from meeting a guy who you actually are fit for so or building your business or going back to school or any type of investment that you'd make in yourself yeah and and even if he is the nicest guy on the planet if if you're not feeling it he's not the nicest guy for you and that is the most important thing that's not to say that he is automatically low value he's just not for you he can make another woman happy like you
01:11:23
Speaker
Yeah, that also counts for something.
01:11:25
Speaker
Like someone can be a high value man and just not for you, right?
01:11:29
Speaker
Just because they're not compatible with you doesn't make them a bad person.
01:11:32
Speaker
But if they're a bad person, they're definitely not compatible with you.
01:11:35
Speaker
Just because they're nice, that doesn't mean that they're owed... I mean, I don't even like the word nice.
01:11:42
Speaker
Or compassionate, have empathy.
01:11:44
Speaker
Compassionate, yeah.
01:11:45
Speaker
Nice is just bland and dead.
01:11:47
Speaker
And it should be... It's like the baseline for human behavior.
01:11:51
Speaker
And it doesn't really say anything about their character if a guy is nice.
01:11:57
Speaker
Yeah.
01:11:57
Speaker
I mean, narcissists can be nice, right?
01:12:00
Speaker
Abusers can be nice, right?
01:12:01
Speaker
And whenever you hear people talking about like why they didn't leave someone who was really toxic, they're like, oh, but they were nice sometimes.
01:12:07
Speaker
Like between the times where they beat me, they were really nice.
01:12:10
Speaker
But you got to realize the niceness is part of the abuse.
01:12:15
Speaker
A lot of people don't realize is that the niceness is part of the manipulation.
01:12:19
Speaker
It's part of the control.
01:12:20
Speaker
And for abusive or narcissistic people, it's part of their abusive or narcissistic persona.
01:12:26
Speaker
They put on a nice front for the public and then behind closed doors, they treat their victim like shit.
01:12:32
Speaker
And that just makes things worse for the victim because they see how they're being so nice to everyone else.
01:12:36
Speaker
And they think, oh, like they're being mean to me.
01:12:38
Speaker
There must be something wrong with me.
01:12:40
Speaker
It also makes it harder for them to get support because other people think that the narcissist is a nice
01:12:45
Speaker
nice person, right?
01:12:45
Speaker
So I think we just really need to let go of the, oh, but they're a really nice person because you don't really know what that person's like behind closed doors.
01:12:53
Speaker
Like niceness is a mask, basically.
01:12:55
Speaker
Yeah.
01:12:55
Speaker
So in conclusion, these are some things to look out for when you're meeting a new guy.
01:12:59
Speaker
You know, trust your gut, trust your instincts, work on yourself and have fun this summer.
01:13:05
Speaker
Yeah, figure out what he does for a living.
01:13:08
Speaker
And if you have any of your own tips, feel free to drop them in the comments.
01:13:13
Speaker
We'd love to read them.
01:13:15
Speaker
All right, so that's our show.
01:13:16
Speaker
Please check out our website at thefemaledatingstrategy.com as well as our Twitter at fem.strat and our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash thefemaledatingstrategy where you can get some bonus content.
01:13:28
Speaker
We're going to start doing weekly bonus content on Friday.
01:13:32
Speaker
So expect that.
01:13:34
Speaker
Thank you to everyone who has supported us so far.
01:13:37
Speaker
Please submit a rose to scrote if you signed up for one of our tiers.
01:13:41
Speaker
Submit a rose to scrote or a story or anything you want to share and we'll read it aloud here on our podcast.
01:13:47
Speaker
Thank you for listening, Queens, and for all you self-employed street pharmacists.
01:13:50
Speaker
Die bad.
01:13:52
Speaker
See you next week.