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Finding Balance: Navigating Joy and Grief During the Holiday Season
220 Plays1 year ago
Welcome to the Therapy4Dads Podcast! In this solo episode, we delve into the holiday season, addressing the need to balance joy and grief. I share personal experiences and professional insights on navigating difficult emotions during this time of year. I emphasizes the importance of acknowledging reality without judgment and validating our own and others' feelings. I highlights the power of resilience, connection, and sharing experiences with safe individuals. As the year comes to a close, I encourage you to seek balance, empathy, and self-care. Stay tuned for upcoming exciting news and site changes. With a wish for the capacity for balance, empathy, and love, I leave you with a message of hope and care.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Therapy for Dads'
00:00:08
Speaker
This is a Therapy for Dads podcast. I am your host. My name is Travis. I'm a therapist, a dad, a husband. Here at Therapy for Dads, we provide content around the integration of holistic mental health, well-researched evidence-based education, and parenthood. Welcome.
Solo Episode and 2024 Updates
00:00:28
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's episode of the podcast. This will be a solo episode with just me for this week, for this holiday episode. And so first of all, thank you for listening. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for being part of this community. So I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to listen and to engage.
00:00:47
Speaker
A couple family updates as far as the podcast family, some exciting things coming in 2024 that I can't reveal yet, but just know there's some exciting things happening on the pod.
00:01:03
Speaker
some new offerings that will be coming in 2024, quarter one. And I'll be announcing that very soon, hopefully in the next couple of weeks. And yeah, just wanted to kind of plant a little bit of a teaser and a seed for you as you kind of are listening and engaging in this, again, in this podcast and in these conversations. So thank you for listening and I can't wait to share these new updates with you all.
Balancing Holiday Emotions
00:01:31
Speaker
In this week's episode with the holidays upon us, it's gonna be a little different. Again, it's just me. And it's gonna be about balancing both the joy, the good, the positive, the excitement of this season, but as well as balancing the difficulty.
00:01:53
Speaker
the sadness, the grief. And I think for a lot of us, a couple things in our society is that I think we get stuck in having to be overly excited, overly joyful, overly positive. And I'm gonna share some things that I know from my personal experience as well as my professional experience working with status and grief, why it's so important that we create space
00:02:16
Speaker
And I think more so in our society, creating space for the grief, for the sadness, for the difficulty for ourselves and for those around us.
00:02:27
Speaker
I know with the holidays it's not always joyful for a lot of us. During the holiday season it's not always happy and exciting. For some of us it is. For some of us it's full of those things. It's full of good family relationships and connections. It's about exciting news and celebrating victories and wins.
00:02:46
Speaker
having great time connecting with others. It's about celebrating new life for some of us. I know a couple years ago we got to celebrate the birth of our daughter. Two years ago she'll be two on the 29th, just after Christmas. So we were anticipating her arrival and got to kind of joyously wait for her for her to come.
00:03:10
Speaker
But I also know the reality is this, that like I said earlier, a lot of us are, it's not always that way. Some of us don't have families that are positive and some of us have broken homes. In fact, myself, I came from broken home. My parents divorced and separated when I was 17, a senior in high school. And so for years I had to deal with, and still to this day, although it's a little different now because there's been some healing done on my family, but for years it was kind of riddled with
00:03:35
Speaker
choosing who do I go and see and dealing with kind of the loss of the family I once had and the pain that they carried and having to acknowledge that pain.
00:03:48
Speaker
And so with that, a couple of things I want to share that I hopefully will be encouraging to you during the season, especially if you're dealing with some type of sadness or grief or difficulty or pain, whether it's within yourself or whether that's within relationships with your family or with friends.
Understanding Radical Acceptance
00:04:06
Speaker
And so as we look at balancing,
00:04:10
Speaker
I think the first thing we need to do is first acknowledge our reality without judgment, meaning just kind of acknowledging, you know, what's going on in your life that, hey, there's some hard things going on or right now I'm dealing with some sadness or loss. Maybe we had a death in the family or maybe someone had a diagnosis, a difficult diagnosis, a cancer or something terminal.
00:04:32
Speaker
Maybe this is this time of year where you are reminded of the brokenness of your family or the pain. Maybe this is the time of year where you had a job loss or some other type of shift that wasn't anticipated in your life. And so I think just sitting back and acknowledging that it is what it is right now, that there are these difficulties, not trying to push it away, not trying to change it, but just saying, oh, there it is. There's that pain point and seeing it.
00:05:00
Speaker
And as we begin to acknowledge reality is almost like it opens a door for us to allow that to be in our life, not trying to again shift or change or push it away or hold on to it. But you know, there's a skill in.
00:05:16
Speaker
Dialectical behavioral therapy and it's called radical acceptance. And really what radical acceptance is exactly as I shared is acknowledging reality as it is. It's not approving or liking or wanting that difficulty in your life. It's not it's nothing like that. It's just about acknowledging the hate this.
00:05:35
Speaker
This is what's happening right now. This is what happened. And here it is. Not trying to say it's not fair or saying I don't want this or it shouldn't be this way because those are ways that we resist it. And in fact, when we do that in our life, the shouldn'ts and it's not fair, that can actually create more suffering, more pain on top of what we're experiencing. So radical acceptance is really just saying here it is.
00:05:59
Speaker
here's the pain, here's the difficulty, here's the loss.
The Power of Validating Emotions
00:06:03
Speaker
And when I was dealing with my family's separation and divorce years ago when I was 17, so about 22 years ago, a lot of it was just saying, wow, this is hard right now. This sucks. This is weird being around my family right now. And not kind of, again, not trying to change it, not trying to push it away, not trying to say it's not fair, but just saying, this is kind of crappy. And just sitting with that.
00:06:29
Speaker
And when we do that, what it allows for is a validation of our experience and specifically kind of our emotional space. And so when we're dealing with like sadness or grief, think about what you need most when you're in pain. Think about if you're hurting, is it helpful for someone to come up and say, well, you shouldn't feel this way? Do you think it'd be helpful for someone to say, it's not that big of a deal?
00:06:56
Speaker
My guess is you're probably saying, no, that wouldn't be helpful at all. In fact, if you had a friend that was hurting right now, if someone you really loved and cared for, and maybe they're dealing with a loss or some type of significant sadness in their life, would you tell them, Hey, just get over it. Hey, just be happy. Just be positive. At least it's not worse. Now that may have been told to us by the way, but is it helpful and effective? And I think most of us would say probably no. I need someone to just acknowledge that, wow, this is kind of sad right now and sit with that.
00:07:26
Speaker
Because part of validating our feelings is communicating to ourselves and those around us that it's human to experience those emotions. Because as human beings, we have an array of emotional expression. We have an array of emotions that come and go in sadness and grief.
00:07:48
Speaker
is just part of that process, as part of that array of emotional expression. And to see it, to validate it, actually allows it to be acknowledged and allows it to be normalized as just part of the human experience versus just be happy, just focus on just the good. And when we validate our emotions, when we see them, in fact, when we acknowledge that in other people or people see them in us, we tend to feel seen, we feel heard, we feel acknowledged, we don't feel dismissed
00:08:17
Speaker
push down, because if we push it down and dismiss it, we actually suppress our feelings, which over time, it's like a pressure cooker. If we push down that sadness, we push down that grief, and we push it down in others, that actually leads to, again, suppression, which leads to a pressure, which leads over
Resilience Through Community Support
00:08:33
Speaker
time. That pressure builds and builds until eventually it explodes or seeps out in ways that are not effective for us.
00:08:44
Speaker
So when we actually acknowledge our feelings, when we see them in ourselves or others, when we provide that space, and maybe sometimes we need to acknowledge the difficulty in us, which might encourage others to share and might give them strength and courage to say, hey, I'm actually kind of struggling too. And in that, we're not alone. It creates this space for, or a community of people helping each other.
00:09:03
Speaker
allowing for the array of expression during this season. Now, I say this not to get lost in the status of the grief, not to swing the pendulum the other way, going from overly positive to just drowning in it. But it's about the balance of the two, acknowledging both sides. But again, I think in our culture, we need to allow more of the acknowledgement of the difficulty without judgment, without shame, but seeing it, being with it, supporting it.
00:09:33
Speaker
Because when we deal with our sadness and grief, by the way, in a constructive way, meaning when we acknowledge it in ourselves or others, when we sit with those feelings, when we sit with those experiences, not only do we feel heard, do we feel seen, do we feel acknowledged, do we feel not alone, but that enables ourselves or those around us to actually build resilience to those difficult feelings. It's like being in the ocean and having big waves come at you,
00:10:02
Speaker
If you never actually sit in the ocean long enough and learn how to swim, if you just kinda go in for like a minute and then come out when a big wave comes, if we just like, any time a wave, we kinda like, it's almost like you walk in to the water or the shoreline and then as soon as a little wave comes, you walk away. Well, if we never actually get in the water, we never learn how to deal with these big waves, we never learn and develop the capacity and strength and stamina to swim through them and to know how to swim over them or around them or under them, we'll just get pummeled.
00:10:32
Speaker
So part of this is building a resilience, it's building stamina, it's building strength to know when we get into that water, when there are big waves, there's a confidence knowing that, hey, while this might be hard, while it might be painful, while it might be chaotic and choppy and stormy, I kind of know how to navigate this, which actually, in a way, it feels relieving because we have this sense of confidence knowing that this is hard and yet I know what to do. And yet I know how to navigate this. Now I might come out of that water being in the beach for a while and being in the ocean, I might feel tired.
00:11:04
Speaker
but knowing that I accomplished something, knowing that I was able to sit in it and move in it and not avoid it. And when we do that, when we build our resilience, we could sit with more. We could tackle bigger waves. We could also sit with other people's feelings too, more effectively.
00:11:22
Speaker
And when we do that, kind of going back to what I said earlier about, when we acknowledge and validate the status and grief in others, it just increases connection with other people, which again leads to not feeling so alone. It leads to feeling a sense of community, of connection with others that we will figure this out together.
00:11:40
Speaker
That as a group of people, we can navigate this together because I think one of the biggest fears that most people struggle with is that I'm gonna be I'm alone in this that no one gets me. No one sees me which creates more disconnection whether it's ourselves struggling with that or it's a loved one.
00:11:59
Speaker
And so when we are connected, when we build this sense of relationship where we can trust and create safety, where we can share these things, that alleviates the pain. Now, it doesn't necessarily fix it. It doesn't actually take it away, but it alleviates some of that extra onion distress and burden that we have to carry this by ourselves.
00:12:18
Speaker
In fact, I remember when some of you may or may not know this, when we were trying to get pregnant with our first time around. It took us about six years to get pregnant. And the first few years, we didn't share it with people. We didn't tell people about it. And I remember, I actually remember feeling quite alone. And it's amazing what happens when you're doing, when you're struggling with difficulty and isolation, because our brain starts to convince us that no one else gets this, that we're the only ones. Even though I knew logically it wasn't true.
00:12:43
Speaker
emotionally I was getting overwhelmed by the loss and the grief and the pain of the struggle of trying to get pregnant year after year. But something amazing happened when we shared, I remember sharing it. In fact, I remember the first time my wife telling me,
00:12:57
Speaker
I remember we were in an apartment at the time and I remember her telling me how much she's actually been struggling because I didn't know to what degree. I actually didn't have a grid for it because my experience was different than hers. But when she told me I was really taken aback, I was kind of shocked.
00:13:15
Speaker
how hard she was taking because in my mind initially I was like well I think you know it'll just happen and I was kind of struggling with some like oh it's not really happening but it was kind of put you know put in the back burner in my mind I was like oh it'll happen but when I heard her pain about it how personal it was for her it
00:13:30
Speaker
I felt the hurt and then in a way it enabled her sharing with me, enabled me to kind of tap into what I was actually experiencing and realizing how hard it was for me too. And it encouraged me to share too. So her strength and courage and bravery to share with me enabled me to share. And so.
00:13:48
Speaker
Again, it enabled us to be more connected in that we're in this together and that felt relieving, even though it was hard, even though it was painful, even though we weren't pregnant at the time. It's like that alone feeling kind of went away. And then we started sharing it with other people. We started sharing our journey with others and saying, wow, this is really hard. And we found other people struggling too. And we did that. It opened up more doors, more conversations, more validation, more camaraderie, more connection.
00:14:10
Speaker
And so I encourage you to share. And again, I know for some of us, we may not have a lot of people to share with. And so it's even finding one safe person, whether it's within your family or out of, it might be someone outside of your family.
Realistic Holiday Expectations
00:14:24
Speaker
And for some of us, it really needs to be outside of our family because some of us, our family isn't safe enough to share anything with.
00:14:32
Speaker
And some of us have safe relationships in our family. So this is really person dependent. This is really dependent upon your context. And I can't speak for everybody, but I can say this, when you share with someone who's safe enough to listen, who's willing to listen and be curious, you will feel a sense of relief and you will still feel that sadness in her at the same time. Because when my wife and I shared, we cried, we had tears, it was painful. There was this, again, this like, this like pressure off my chest and shoulders. And I know with her too,
00:14:59
Speaker
Now we have three kids, but that was years ago. So I know a little bit about not sharing and being stuck in isolation for a bit and how isolating can feel and how painful it could be and how much of a burden and pressure that can put on yourself and ourselves.
00:15:16
Speaker
And so when we do this, I think part of this is having a realistic expectation about this holiday season. Realistic meaning that not everyone's gonna be overly joyful and happy, but knowing that some people will be stricken with grief and loss. And I think being sensitive to that, being aware of ourselves, being aware of others, checking in with people that we know, maybe you know someone going through something, this is a great time to check in with them.
00:15:42
Speaker
maybe to show them grace and love. If you have a friend or friend member who is going through something and to give them that space to let them know it's okay, that they don't have to be quote unquote happy all the time, but they can, it's okay to be sad. And so as you seek out balance in your life this year, as you seek out, if this is you going through something hard, or if you know a loved one going through something difficult,
00:16:10
Speaker
I just encourage you to allow that space, allow those people to be seen, allow yourself to be seen, sharing the reality of what's going on, acknowledging with radical acceptance that right now there's some hard things happening. And you can even look back over the year too. As you look back over the year, what are some of those hard things you've gone through? And again, maybe you're still in the midst of a hard thing, a difficult thing.
00:16:37
Speaker
And maybe also through this year that maybe you've overcome a lot this year. Maybe there's some amazing things you've gone through that you fought through. Maybe some amazing victories in your life.
00:16:48
Speaker
as you reflect on this year. And so that's another part of this kind of space in this time is not just focusing on the most recent time or the anniversary of the loss in your life, but over this past year, what has this year brought for me? What are some things I've overcome? What are some challenges I've faced? What are some victories I've had? What are some wins and positives I've had as well as what are some of the difficulties and pains and losses of this year?
00:17:13
Speaker
And as a reflect on my life this year, too, in our family's life, we've had some amazing victories and positives, but also some really stressful times. One of the bigger stressors in our life was trying to figure out the best school for our eldest son who is neurodivergent and trying to find the right space for him and going through anxiety and worry and, um, not knowing where to go and having some bad experiences at some school that just wasn't good for him and strung with that. Like what now what?
00:17:41
Speaker
And thankfully, thankfully we found an amazing learning academy for our son that he is thriving at now. But there was a season of months where he was just riddled with anxiety. And that was really stressful and it felt really overwhelming at times. And like, what do we do? I don't know. And we didn't have a roadmap for it. We didn't know where to go. But then a door opened up and we kind of started walking through it and had connections with people and talking with people and found an amazing place for our eldest son. And again, like I said, now he's thriving.
00:18:07
Speaker
and some other personal things in my life that I'm very excited about and having amazing, you know, interviews with people and connections with amazing people through this podcast and some amazing things that have happened in that arena.
00:18:22
Speaker
But like I said, there's been some difficulties too. There's been hard conversations with my wife, things that I've realized I needed to work at that I thought I was doing well in, that I needed to say, wow, okay. And maybe it wasn't as worried as I thought. And now I'm more aware now. And so some difficult conversations, but that's allowed and created space to grow, which is creating new amazing moments and new wonderful moments and more moments of connection and that we're not isolated, that we're a unit, that we're a team.
00:18:50
Speaker
And so I share some of these things with you to give you space and encourage you to share as well. Find one person to share with or at the minimum, at least acknowledge it within yourself. See, there's something powerful of just even acknowledging your own experience without trying to shame it or deny it or repress it yourself. Even saying, wow, this is important to me and this is a big deal to me and I need to see that part of me.
00:19:17
Speaker
And so my encouragement this year as you navigate this next week or so, um, give yourself that space, give others some space, seek out balance between the difficult
00:19:32
Speaker
and the victories, the losses and the joys, the pain and the excitements to have that balance in your life, to acknowledge both and that one is not better than the other. And it's okay to have this kind of array of emotional experiences.
00:19:52
Speaker
And that for some of us, it's really, really hard and really difficult. And if you're someone who isn't going through something difficult, again, I encourage you to create space for someone that you might know that that is going through something difficult. Be that person to share it, be that person to invite them so they can be seen. Because I think a theme that I see time and time again during the season as people are just feeling so isolated and alone a lot. And they just want to be seen, they want connection, they want to be heard, they want and need space.
00:20:22
Speaker
And so I leave you with that.
Year Reflection and Future Announcements
00:20:27
Speaker
And I wish you the best. I wish you and your family the best. I wish you, over the next few days, just to be present to what you need to be present to within your life, that you're able to have that balance in your life, that you're able to be there for yourself or for someone else in your life who needs that space, that you're also able to
00:20:50
Speaker
be present to the good and the joys as well, to be present to those relationships you wanna be present with. And as we bring in the new year, as we look towards the next journey, the next part of our journey, this next calendar year, to reflect on how far you've come, all that you have overcame, what you are still working toward and what you're still journeying on, and to kinda see where you wanna go.
00:21:15
Speaker
And so I wish you guys and gals the best between now and then, and we'll talk soon. And I can't wait to share some of the exciting news and site changes coming. So stay tuned for that. And when I can announce it, I will. And hopefully it'll be within the next, again, few weeks, maybe a month or two.
00:21:33
Speaker
So I wish you all the best. I wish you all the capacity for balance, for care for yourself and care for others, for empathy, for grace, for patience, for love, for all those wonderful things. So until next episode, I wish you well.