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00:00:01
Trans People Aren’t ‘Born in the Wrong Body’
30 Plays6 days ago
People often get this wrong about being trans.
A lot of people have heard the phrase “born in the wrong body.” It’s one of the most common ways trans experiences are explained — in media, online, and everyday conversations. But how accurate is it?
In this episode of Gender in Focus, we unpack where that idea comes from, why it’s so widely used, and why it doesn’t reflect the reality for many trans and non-binary people.
We explore:
* Why the “born in the wrong body” narrative became so dominant
* How media and culture have shaped common misunderstandings about trans people
* What trans experiences actually look like in real life
* The difference between social, medical, and personal aspects of transition
* Why not all trans people pursue medical transition — and why that matters
* How ideas about “the right body” are shaped by societal expectations
* A more accurate way to understand what it means to be trans and how gender identity actually works
This episode is for anyone trying to better understand trans and non-binary experiences, whether you’re new to the topic or looking to challenge what you’ve previously heard.
If you’ve ever searched:
- What does it mean to be transgender?
- Are trans people really “born in the wrong body”?
- Do all trans people want surgery or medical transition?
- How does gender identity actually work?
This conversation is a grounded, real-world starting point.
🎧 Listen now to rethink one of the most widely accepted — and most misunderstood — ideas about being trans.
Recommended
Transcript
Understanding the Phrase 'Born in the Wrong Body'
00:00:05
Speaker
We're back for another Gender in Focus episode today and we're talking all about the phrase born in the wrong body. A lot of people come to the understanding of trans experiences through this phrase and it is usually pretty well meaning and it's a genuine attempt I think to understand a very complex topic for those people who are unfamiliar with it. um But for many trans and non-binary people this framing doesn't really reflect their realities.
00:00:34
Speaker
even remotely. So that's what we're chatting about today. i am here as always with Kai Scott. Hello, Kai. Hello. I'm really excited to talk about this topic. um there There's a lot of misunderstanding about it. And how are you doing?
00:00:49
Speaker
Oh, I'm doing so well. How are you doing? I realized that I just say hi and don't ask you anything about about how your day is going. You can see on my face yes that all is well-ish.
00:01:03
Speaker
All is well-ish. Would you like this to turn into a therapy session? e Let's talk about how you feel today. Yes. um It's more like acknowledging the world outside is right a bit of a hellscape right now. Right.
00:01:20
Speaker
That's the ish. If you don't laugh, you'll cry. Well, I'm glad that you're okay-ish. I'm also okay-ish.
Media's Role in Trans Narratives
00:01:27
Speaker
I suppose we should talk about being born in the wrong body then. Yeah, let's do it.
00:01:33
Speaker
This phrase is so commonly used. I think we've all probably heard it a million times, but it does piss some trans people off. so No? To put it lightly.
00:01:45
Speaker
Why is that? Why does it annoy why does it annoy so many trans people Mm hmm. Yeah. I you know, there's a lot to it. So born in the wrong body, as you mentioned in the intro, is people who don't have that experience trying to get at it some way. Right. And people recognize for some their body may not feel exactly right. And so they've kind of bundled that up in born in the wrong body. It maybe rolls off the tongue easily, but for many trans and non-binary folks, it does not feel
00:02:26
Speaker
anywhere close to their experience and in fact can feel a bit insulting too. And again, not because somebody intended to insult or hurt or upset anyone. It's more that maybe they didn't quite know all that was going on.
00:02:44
Speaker
So why is it difficult for some trans and non-binary folks is because um a lot of us feel like we have the right body.
00:02:55
Speaker
but You know, like I love my body. It's f freaking amazing. I lug it up mountains and it's, you know, for the most part coming along. um You know, I can see things, I can experience things, I can hug people, you know, like on and on. Like there's so much that I appreciate about my body as do other trans and non-binary folks. It's a miracle.
00:03:20
Speaker
Like anybody, I'm like, well, what the heck? Right. And so to reduce some aspects of it to um the whole problem of the whole body is wild, right? Right. Yeah.
00:03:37
Speaker
For some people, it's that that is an important asset. Those are important aspects. But They're things that people can do something about or manage or, you know, figure something out, right? So to feel more comfortable.
00:03:53
Speaker
So that's where we don't want to throw the whole thing out. It's just adjustments that need to be made for some people. Others are perfectly comfortable and in the body that they have, and they don't need to do any adjustments. So for them, it's especially awful, because they're like, no, I'm actually in the right body, all of it.
00:04:17
Speaker
So yeah, those are some of the dynamics at play. So, and I know you did just touch on it, but kind of want to expand that a little bit further as to why is that then so commonly used to explain it it to explain the experiences of trans people, especially from, from cis people. It's I've not to say that there are never trans people that, that align with that or don't align with that, um that phrasing, but yeah,
00:04:46
Speaker
I've never experienced a trans person go, yep, that phrase feels good. That feels right. And so given that it is so rarely accepted as somebody's experience, why is it so commonly used to explain the trans experience?
00:05:01
Speaker
oof Yeah, there's so much there. And you're right. I've perhaps heard one person out of perhaps thousands of trans and non-binary folks I've interacted with or read comments about describing their own experience. So that's a really low percentage and that should tell us something about that.
00:05:23
Speaker
For most people, it's not an accurate statement. I think it gets reproduced
Nuances of Trans Experiences
00:05:28
Speaker
in so many different pockets. I think particularly media, this is a favorite go to, right? Any newspaper article or, you know, social media post that's not from trans people. um you know TV shows and movies and you know you can go on and on. That is a really common replay. So sometimes people who are not a part of the community are like, oh, that's how you describe it because this show or newspaper article said as much. And so I'll just reproduce it and don't kind of check in or perhaps listen to how people describe themselves as a more accurate reflection or words they're using.
00:06:09
Speaker
And so it just gets reproduced because of just absorbing what's heard without questioning or double checking whether that is a way, a good way to describe it.
00:06:21
Speaker
um I think it's also just easier for people to digest. It's like easier. It's like, oh yeah, born in the wrong body. So of course you want to do something about it, you know? Right.
00:06:32
Speaker
Yeah. I think it's just because it is difficult for many cisgender people to understand trans and non-binary experiences. So sometimes when something's difficult, you like grab onto the easiest seeming thing. and Right. Yeah.
00:06:48
Speaker
really hunker in there. Yeah, it's difficult to move on from something that you've, I guess, if that's your sort of access point to understanding trans people's experiences, it's really hard to kind of shift that if you're really unsure. yeah So I get it. It's like a little iceberg in a rough sea. you're like, I'm just gonna stay here and hold on to this.
00:07:13
Speaker
I don't understand anything else. So if I'm going to move to something else, I don't even know what that would be. And um for many, I think it helps to like explain many of the trans experiences they've heard. But unfortunately, it just doesn't capture most people's experiences. I would say
Language and Societal Expectations
00:07:34
Speaker
particularly those who don't choose to do medical transition.
00:07:37
Speaker
vice There's nothing wrong with the body. You're not undertaking anything. So it's complex. Sure. I do want to look a little closer, not to get microscopic about this, but I do want to look a little closer at the language being used because when we're saying something is the wrong body, that would sort of suggest that there is then a right body. And that is usually about aligning with what society slash cis people think the goal is which is to be passing as whichever gender that you are and that is not what many trans people are especially interested in so I was wondering if you could go into that and like yeah what is the right body Kai if you're born in the wrong body oh dear yeah exactly
00:08:28
Speaker
Yeah, it's so good to look at it more closely, almost like frame by frame to be like, okay, what? Okay, wrong. But then what's the counterpoint? Right?
00:08:38
Speaker
Who's determining why for what, you know, like you can go really deep with this, just this one simple phrase, there's a lot packed into it. It seems quite simple on the surface. You dig a little deeper, and you're like, holy smokes.
00:08:53
Speaker
We're saying that cis bodies are the right bodies. Says who? Right. You know, we could even dig a little bit further to look at ah oftentimes it's able-bodied and white. Right. Yeah. You know, slim and all of these things. So it really kind of bakes in all these things that are really important and and not authentic to many people, whether they're trans or cis, and um really difficult to achieve at that if it does feel authentic, right? So it's a really tricky one. And i would say a lot of trans people, much to the surprise of cisgender people, are not trying to achieve the societal expectations. Yeah.
00:09:42
Speaker
right That is not their authentic need or aim or anything. And that's why the wrong body language is so difficult and for some problematic because it's pointing at this invisible default or goal that we're trying to supposedly trying to achieve. And it's like, no, you didn't kind of bother to want to know what it means for me to be me. Yeah.
00:10:11
Speaker
you know So there's there's kind of these um dynamics that come to play with regard to how people talk about this. And again, it's not that people were intending harm or difficulty. They just hadn't had a chance to look at it a little bit closer like we're doing right now to understand why it can be aggravating.
00:10:33
Speaker
Right. You said something. ah We recorded another episode a bit ago. And in that episode that hasn't come out yet, or maybe it has by the time people are listening to this, um you you said something really great, which was about how...
00:10:49
Speaker
You're not trying to be another gender, a different gender to the one that you are. You're just trying to be authentic to yourself. And so the goal isn't to change gender. It's not to be one thing and now I'm going to do everything I can to look like the other gender that I feel like I want to be. It's that this is how I am and I'm going to choose the bits that align with me. And the goal isn't to change.
00:11:12
Speaker
look a certain way. It's not anything to do with looks. That might be a part of it, but it's born in the wrong body. it is so and not reflective of of anything. Totally, yeah.
00:11:25
Speaker
it's It's like we, kind of what trans people's objectives and aims are versus what cisgender people think. And it very much is about authenticity and alignment and being true to oneself in ways that may sometimes look how we expect in society and in other instances not. And it will vary based on the individual.
00:11:51
Speaker
and And that can be, for some cis people, a bit disconcerting. We sometimes in our society really like neat little packages that conform. Right. And don't yeah don't move around, you know.
00:12:06
Speaker
But I don't think that's reflective of anyone in society even cisgender people vary quite a bit. And so, and we would never say they're born in the wrong body, but somehow we're okay with having trans people kind of talked about in that type of way.
00:12:27
Speaker
um So yeah, yeah, it's really interesting to kind of take a look, closer look. Yeah, for sure.
Challenging Medical Transition Assumptions
00:12:34
Speaker
If the goal is to isn't to be the way the society expects, the goal is to be yourself.
00:12:41
Speaker
yeah Then what is there's no such thing as being born in the wrong body in that case for most people. Yeah. what What would you say then is a more um accurate way of understanding trans experiences that feels a bit more grounded in self-attunement or alignment rather than a mismatch of gender and body?
00:13:03
Speaker
Right, or changing things. and Yeah. Changing personalities and all this right fun stuff. Right. And being a completely different person. Yeah. People are the people they are.
00:13:17
Speaker
They discover more or better along the way and then take steps to adjust or attune or to align to who they are.
00:13:31
Speaker
um And that sometimes takes really short amount of time for people or some people take long, right? It's a lot to unpack to figure it out and to figure out language to describe it to others. And thankfully in society, we've got better language, more will come to refine that. um But I think alignment, attunement, adjustment, it's not saying that nothing changes, right? I mean, maybe for some, that's the case. But for those who choose medical, social, legal transition, things do change. There's just the orientation of that change.
00:14:11
Speaker
um Are we changing into something different today? No, we're the thing already, and whatever that kit may be in terms of gender identity, and then we're figuring out how to more fully be that or to ah align to that, but it is based on a personal experience of that.
00:14:31
Speaker
It's an internal thing that then gets externalized in a particular way, unique to that individual. so Right. Yeah. That's more of what I would use. Of course, I would also want to listen to how an individual that I know in my life talks about it, too. If they say born in the wrong body, totally fine for you to use that for them. Right. It's not like we're saying never to use this. um But as a general description, I would veer clear of it and I would go to these more general, more descriptive terms that are about adjustment, um alignment, and, you know, kind of fulfillment could be another way of describing it.
00:15:13
Speaker
So until you get that person's specific way of talking about it and then you can adjust further. So does require a little bit more listening to better understand, right?
00:15:27
Speaker
But it is really powerful when we absorb what how somebody is describing themselves and reflecting that back.
00:15:37
Speaker
That is very healing ah for many to to hear that if people are willing to make the effort. um It's not that much extra to just pay attention to what people are doing and then give that back.
00:15:54
Speaker
Sure. I do want to like briefly go back to what we were just saying about how it's generally not, but there are a few people who do align with that phrasing. And you just said about listening to how people respond. And so with that, there's also the piece of not correcting trans people.
00:16:11
Speaker
when e Yes, absolutely. A good point. Because sometimes people might listen to a podcast like this and then be like, They said not to use that or, you know, like, understandably hear the difficulties that a lot of people experience with it and then be like, okay, we're shutting this down forever. Never shall we hear, listen, or, you know, come across this term again. Answer the phrase.
00:16:40
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Fair enough. um We have spoken very strongly against it, but I really caution and advise folks, if somebody trans or non-binary has used that for themselves, and that's the way that they want to describe it, that is their prerogative. they're And it's valid. And, you know, I'm not going to then preach or like talk to this person and be like, you shouldn't, right? Because that's also harmful. Yeah.
00:17:11
Speaker
So just letting it be and just making sure you're not using that more generally for a whole population of people. But for that individual to to hear them say it, totally fine. If you also want to use it in reference to them, perfectly valid, right?
00:17:29
Speaker
So, but we we definitely don't want to, because we have heard situations where people have corrected trans folks in this regard. And that's, um that can be also hurtful. Right. Because. Especially if it is their experience. Yeah. That is actually what their experience is like. Yeah. Yeah. It's simple. And similar things, sometimes people, some cis people have a particular reaction to say something like dead name. It's hard for them to understand what is going on. And so they will tell trans people not to use that word.
00:18:05
Speaker
It's like... let's not no no let's let them describe their own experiences so right yeah so that's fair um you did touch on this but i would love it if you would go into a little bit further about how the phrase being born in the wrong body is sort of honing in on medical transition and gender affirming care being the way to transition. If you're trans, you're born in the wrong body, and then you're going to take medical steps in order to not be in the wrong body anymore, which is not the experience of, yeah, it's not the experience of a lot of trans people. So yeah,
00:18:45
Speaker
Yeah, it's so important. It bears repeating that ah medical transition is not the end-all be-all. It's not the pinnacle. It's not the real transition because it can be often used to pit it against, say, a social transition or a legal transition.
00:19:04
Speaker
as being less real or not as serious or whatever. um Right. Misconceived notions. And it is a really difficult thing because, as you mentioned, not every trans or non-binary person pursues medical transition. That could be because they don't need it. That could be they want it but can't afford it. It could be that they're on a wait list and it's really, you know, difficult um you know There's a whole number of reasons that yeah medical transition is not end-all be-all. In fact, from a survey of 27,000 trans people, we know that Yeah.
00:19:47
Speaker
about twenty five percent pursue the most popular procedures really low Right. Yeah. I think sometimes people are surprised. There are similar stats here in Canada with TransPulse Canada. They they
Bodily Autonomy and Societal Pressures
00:20:02
Speaker
surveyed folks. um So, yeah, we, the so 75% don't pursue some aspect of of medical transition. A lot of folks focus on hormone replacement therapy and So i think it's really important to not have that be the assumption. And you certainly don't need have um
00:20:27
Speaker
to undertake a medical transition to be trans. You're just trans. If your gender identity is different than your sex, that's it. Right. Everything else is people's own adventure. Right. Right.
00:20:42
Speaker
That's fair. um Yeah. And also then with that, if 75% are not accessing the most, ah what did what phrase did you use? Most popular procedures. Most popular. You know, if it's on the trans feminine side, the most popular is, ah you know, breast implants. Most popular procedure on the trans masculine side is a top surgery or, yeah, a mastectomy, right?
00:21:11
Speaker
right sure so those right if the vast majority are not uh are not accessing that care then the idea that hopefully it's a little clearer as to why being born in the wrong body explaining it in that way is a bit insulting to a lot of people because the majority of people are in the body that they're in and are not changing it in the way that like it's whether they want to or for for various other reasons so this phrase is pretty insulting or can be to to a lot of people.
00:21:43
Speaker
yeah Yeah, especially given the numbers. You're right. The scale is drives that home even further because that's the most popular procedures. There's lower surgeries that are at a much lower rate, right? So yeah, it's just There's a lot there.
00:22:01
Speaker
So best to just steer clear. Yeah, let's not do that. um So I also want to talk about um bodily autonomy ah to some extent. So the way that we have these societal expectations around bodies, especially the shape of someone's body, um means that people will interpret trans experiences in a certain way. And I want to sort of go into that and why bodily autonomy, especially when it doesn't follow so expected norms, can feel quite hard or disorienting for others to understand, especially from from the sort of cis perspectives.
00:22:40
Speaker
okay Yeah. I mean, oftentimes, especially some cisgender folks, they're thinking about it from their vantage point. And that vantage point is not really wanting to change anything or not very much about their body.
00:22:58
Speaker
And so for somebody to not just change their body, but then not want to change it to societal expectations, like that's two steps further.
00:23:09
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:23:14
Speaker
can feel like almost frightening and frightening in the way of like concern for that person frightening um because you know they could appreciate what they're up against But unfortunately, people some cisgender people misdirect that fear that they feel towards the trans person and wanting to change them rather than like, okay, what can we do to make a society that is ah more accepting of bodily autonomy that wouldn't just be beneficial to trans and non-binary folks, it would be beneficial to cisgender folks who might also want to change their body, but because of challenges or restrictions or Not wanting to rock the boat. They don't. Right. And so it's just, um in in my mind, at least a misapplied energy to further restricting somebody who is quite confident in what they need and want. But are now having to struggle to get to that, if at all, sometimes.
00:24:21
Speaker
And how we could all benefit from having bodily autonomy of being an important principle in our society. So, right but that's create a lot of fear. Yeah, and it doesn't, this is such a not trans issue. Obviously, trans people are scrutinized more heavily, but this extends so much beyond that. And I think maybe just sort of to give examples, because I think this is a bit hard maybe for some people to know what we're talking about i have a very good friend of mine has very thick arm hair lots and lots of gorgeous arm hair that she doesn't want to get rid of and that is she will never get rid of it and there's a lot of pressure for her to be more feminine in quotes uh to get rid of that arm hair and it's like ah that's that's going against the grain but it's her choice it's her body and she doesn't want to and so that
00:25:15
Speaker
it has created a lot of pressure for her in her life. And she did. She has like waxed at some point and didn't like it and didn't want to. And now doesn't, as an adult, doesn't want to. Like when she was a teenager, she did. And that is like just an example that popped into my head. i hope she's okay with me using that. I'm sure she is.
00:25:33
Speaker
ah Such a good example though. Like where, you know, people may not realize just how much pressure is applied women you know, small deviations and then bigger deviations, right? Along a spectrum of deviant, not deviant, but deviation, like difference from the norm.
00:25:55
Speaker
And so it's just so tragic that any amount of time is spent on that because if somebody likes that aspect of themselves or even maybe is neutral on the matter, like, ah just let them be.
00:26:09
Speaker
Right. Yeah. And I find it really, so sad really that we have these societal pressures. um I can relate to the arm hair one because growing up I had that pressure. i was called all kinds of names in school.
00:26:26
Speaker
and I'm just remembering this now with your example. Sorry for triggering you. no No, It's like so palpable though. It's so like seemingly small, but people blow it out of proportion and, you know, like it's wild. And then to the lengths that people will go to try to adjust, but then it feeling inauthentic and,
00:26:48
Speaker
when It just like puts people in in such unnecessary binds. when If we had more acceptance in our society or a little bit more relaxed notions of who's doing what and where and what why, it just it would be a lot easier.
00:27:07
Speaker
And people... you know wouldn't feel the need to change, right? If that wasn't, yeah didn't feel authentic to themselves. So yeah, yeah so puzzling. And I think it's it is it's pretty wild that we have that pressure, we put that pressure on people.
00:27:23
Speaker
And there is also then, when it comes to trans people, there is so much pressure anyway, they're feeling their own pressure around this, but then there's also this pressure of, okay, if you are a trans man, you must now meet all these expectations of what that means to be a man, and if not, then you're not a real man. And it's like, can you just let people be? that There is
Supporting Individual Autonomy
00:27:42
Speaker
this, like, I think there's a lot of scrutinization, especially trans women, and ah they go through so it's like a microscope to trans women if you're performing femininity in this exact way or it's not it doesn't count it's it's wild and for some people they really really don't want to I have a friend who definitely won't mind me sharing this who um doesn't wanna get breast implants. She's a trans woman, she loves her chest, absolutely loves it the way she is. She loves to wear dresses, she loves to wear the outfits that she wears, she loves to have a flat chest. She's still a woman, but we expect women to have a certain body shape. And therefore, because she doesn't perform that, her femininity or her womanhood is called into question all the time. And it's like, why? Why does she have to change this to fit your idea of what it means to be a woman?
00:28:35
Speaker
And are we not more than our bodies? Yeah. Well, I mean, that's where it really, you know, hits the bed, bedrock of the whole phenomenon is like, are we our our bodies or are we who we are? Right. And think many cis people have wrapped up their identity with their bodies that when they just, just like anchor away from that, it can be really disconcerting. And, but then there,
00:29:05
Speaker
there is a lot more freedom on that side of, you know, just being and right figuring out what is most suitable.
00:29:17
Speaker
Right. And that can vary so widely, whether it's on the cis side of things or trans side and And then we're not kind of constantly monitoring people because like that does have an impact on trans people and non-binary folks, especially. i totally agree. Trans women or trans femme folk get it way more because hashtag misogyny like on fire.
00:29:44
Speaker
Right. um But it's total waste of time for the person monitoring. like Right. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine how much more time and energy one would have if one was monitoring and providing feedback, unsolicited feedback. like Right. I don't know. there I think there's benefit to kind of letting that go. And I don't know, starting a company. I'm just kidding.
Advice on Understanding Trans Experiences
00:30:06
Speaker
Literally, though, you probably could with all that time you have back.
00:30:10
Speaker
At the very least, some hobbies. Right. But it's also like saying as if it's the first time. Sorry, I feel like I'm about to head onto a rant here, but I'll try and rein it back. but But it's this idea that like they don't know what society expects. So like I'm just letting you know that you should get breast implants.
00:30:29
Speaker
Like, well, thank you. I live in the world. I see the world. I see the expectations. You don't need to remind me. I'm good, actually. Yeah. Yeah. And getting it from a few different sources. And when I say a few, I mean many. Continuously. Yeah.
00:30:46
Speaker
It's just like, yeah yeah. And everybody thinks that they're the first or the only one. Yeah. Like, no, no, no, honey. um So to close up then Kai, if someone is trying to understand trans experiences for the first time, and maybe they've come across this phrase, what might be a more helpful starting point than born in the wrong body?
00:31:08
Speaker
Yeah, I think we we're talking about kind of listening to how people describe their experience and then reflecting that back. um And if you don't know the language, then doing more descriptive words can be easier and kind of safer, right?
00:31:27
Speaker
alignment, attunement, adjustment, if there's something changing. um Yeah, I think descriptive words in general are more helpful than these kind of phrases of, especially with laden with judgment. So avoiding anything with judgment, right, wrong, you know, um off, I'm trying to remember all the different ways that people describe those can not necessarily resonate for folks and also who's determining what's right and wrong and you know it gets tricky so just yeah
00:32:05
Speaker
ah But, and then if in doubt, um it's helpful to listen to stories on the internet of trans people. And then you get the kind of beautiful variety of ways that people talk about their experiences. And then that gives you a little bit more to to work with that's coming directly from community members rather than some media reproduced um phrase that doesn't quite land for most people.
00:32:34
Speaker
well thank you so much again kai great to discuss and unpack cool and we'll see you next week okay bye for now