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Becoming Parents—Just Not How We Planned
37 Plays2 days ago
Parenthood doesn’t always look the way we plan — but it can still be everything we dreamed of.
Whitney talks with Liz & Brian Goulding and Brandon, three intended parents who built their families through egg donation. Their stories are filled with honesty, hope, and courage — from facing fertility realities and heartbreak to finding peace and joy in a different path to parenthood.
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Transcript
Navigating Parenthood Choices
00:00:00
Speaker
ended up doing, um you know, an egg retrieval. And then we got one ah normal embryo from that. We ended up doing a transfer. That transfer was unsuccessful.
00:00:13
Speaker
And so, you know, I found myself, then I'm 40 and we just, we have a decision. Do we want to go back and do it again? do or what do we want to do? And i it was a very...
00:00:24
Speaker
That moment was really tough knowing that we didn't want to have a kid. We decided to go ahead and pursue egg donor. That's Liz, one of so many hopeful parents who reach a crossroads between heartbreak and hope.
00:00:37
Speaker
And she's not alone. I had decided that I was going to you know go through the foster care system in here in Texas. And we me and my partner had a little girl for about 14 months that we were going to adopt.
00:00:51
Speaker
And I'm sure it is the way it is in other states, but caseworkers are so overwhelmed. Mom had had signed away her rights two months in. And when I went to finalize her adoption, that paperwork was nowhere to be found.
00:01:05
Speaker
And they asked mom to sign again. and mom said, no, this is God's way of saying she has and a second chance. So I lost her, long story short. oh And my partner never wanted to be a dad, ever. i i actually broke up with him and said, I want to be a dad. I'm almost 40.
00:01:24
Speaker
And this is the time for me to do it You're in or you're out. From loss to determination, Brandon's journey reminds us that the path to parenthood isn't always straight, but it's always worth taking.
00:01:36
Speaker
I don't have to feel happy to move forward. That I actually part this whole process with working with, you know, an agency and having an egg donor and this whole process is like,
00:01:51
Speaker
I can be sad and or we can have a setback and I can feel down and we're still moving forward. So my feelings don't prevent us from getting things done. Because building a family doesn't always feel easy, but even through the doubts, the next step forward is still progress.
00:02:08
Speaker
This conversation is a special one from the early days back when this podcast was called Me, You, and Who. The name may have changed, but the mission's still the same, helping you create a happy family.
Strengthening Relationships Through Challenges
00:02:20
Speaker
I think Brian and I are closer now. and Oh, I love that. It is really... um It's been really hard, but through all those difficult things, we worked really well together as a team. I think I'm seeing glimpses of the dad that he's going to be, and that yeah that's where I'll get really emotional, but I'm just really excited.
00:02:40
Speaker
In this episode, you'll hear how these hopeful parents faced setbacks, embraced vulnerability, and found hope again through egg donation, proving that sometimes creating a family isn't about how it begins, but how much love it takes to keep going.
00:02:56
Speaker
Enjoy. Who knew it could take more than two people to have a baby? I'm Whitney Hall, a two-time surrogate, now part of the team at Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions.
00:03:07
Speaker
And I've seen how life-changing this process can be when you feel informed, supported, and confident about your next step. Each week on Create a Happy Family, you'll hear real stories and expert insights from hopeful parents, surrogates, egg donors, and professionals, all to help you understand what it really takes to create a family in this way.
00:03:32
Speaker
Because at the heart of it all, we're creating happy families, one relationship at a time.
00:03:42
Speaker
Just starting off, like, let's just dive right in. What led you to egg donation even just being like the thing that we're going do to grow our family?
Deciding on Egg Donation
00:03:57
Speaker
So it's been don't know. I think for some people, it's probably a much longer road than for us to get to egg donor. Yeah. But for us, it started right before our I turned 40. Yeah, about year and a half ago.
00:04:12
Speaker
we We were just in a place where we've been married for 10 years and we love each other and enjoy our life. And I think for many years, I thought if we have a kid, that's great. If we don't have a kid, that's that's also great.
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah. As I approached 40... I came to the realization that that was not true. Having the kid would be great. Actually, something that was really important to me was having a kid. And so I went to Brian and I just said, you know what? This this is something important to me. Let's talk about it. And yeah it ended up being a great conversation.
00:04:48
Speaker
But due to age, we went straight to see an RE. a reproductive and endocrinologist and so you know she gave us options and i think at that point it just i think when we do something like we we're 100 percent in yeah there's no dancing around there's no yeah we're just in it and um and understanding statistics and and how it all works we just decided to go straight to ivf so we ended up doing um you know an egg retrieval
00:05:22
Speaker
And then we got one ah normal embryo from that. We ended up doing a transfer. That transfer was unsuccessful. And so, you know, I found myself, then I'm 40 and we just, we have a decision. Do we want to go back and do it again?
00:05:37
Speaker
do or what do we want to do? And i it was a very, that moment was really tough because I think a lot of people maybe in our position come to choosing an egg donor because they've tried IVF multiple times, right? Or they've had multiple, multiple tries at an egg retrieval and they haven't had success. And we only had tried it once, but again, thinking about age, thinking about time, just thinking about what we wanted for our life, knowing that we want to have a kid, we decided to go ahead pursue egg donor.
00:06:11
Speaker
Um, and so that's how, that's how we came, came to it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. So while you're, I mean, it sounds like you guys were just so pragmatic about it. Was it still, I mean, no matter how long you're going through this journey, I think it's still that emotional rollercoaster. Was it ever, did it ever feel like that? Or was it just, hey, we've got to get from point A to point B and we're going to get there no matter what?
00:06:42
Speaker
No, it's been it's been tough. i mean, it's been tough. yeah And I would love to to tell you a story about how we were positive the whole time and we always had, you know, faith it would work out.
00:06:56
Speaker
Honestly, i don't i didn't i didn't necessarily feel that way. i don't i don't know about you. i think we we knew we wanted to keep going. Yeah. So we talked back to, you know, an a RE and it was like, what are remaining options? And it was a mosaic egg from a retrieval, but it had a specific mutation we just weren't comfortable with. Yeah. Or, you know, do another round or do egg donor. And again, just very very math driven. It's like, okay, well, of all these things, like the the egg donor, you know, was was probably going to be the the best ma best mathematical odds, hands down.
00:07:37
Speaker
So like, that's where i ended up probably quicker but also um i wasn't gonna necessarily have the same issues of like genetics um that like liz may have around that decision um i think when you're talking about like being pragmatic versus having emotions it's really a blend of both and i think i think you have to bring every emotional and like logical tool you have to this challenge to separate what is what and to say okay I'm having a feeling like about this I feel sad about potentially not having this genetic connection to my kid however what is our ultimate goal our ultimate goal is to have a kid and to have a family and it's to be healthy and happy
00:08:27
Speaker
And so weighing all those things and letting yourself have the feelings. But again, at the end of the day, the biggest question is, are we do we still want to move forward? Are we still ready to, do we still want to continue trying? And if the answer is yes, then you you do the next thing. um And I think what is hard,
00:08:46
Speaker
and maybe some people that are listening to this will will get this. that So there's not sometimes one right answer. yeah It's not like the clouds parted and a voice spoke and said, you should do this and this is what is the the best path. um So I think we just had to make a choice. And I think we, I do think we made those choices. We gave them a lot of thought and in the moment trying to make the decision, it was really difficult. But once we committed,
00:09:15
Speaker
And then we moved forward. and And now that we're here, I will say I don't i don't feel any regrets. it It was a long process and there were many low moments and many setbacks. so So many one step forward, two steps back. Oh, yes. Absolutely. I told that to a friend once and they were like, yeah, but you're still one step ahead. And was like, no, you didn't hear me. I said one step forward.
00:09:39
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, hold on. That math didn't math. But that... you know, the other thing I told myself in the middle of all this is that I don't have to feel happy to move forward.
00:09:54
Speaker
That I actually part this whole process with, with working with, you know, an agency and having an egg donor and this whole process is like, I can be sad and or we can have a setback and I can feel down and we're still moving forward. So my feelings don't prevent us from,
00:10:13
Speaker
getting things done. So, um, that's kind of a long answer, but, but yeah, that's how tried blend the, the feet, the feelings and the, the progress. Cause were always like, uh, something I told myself because this is, it's so many,
00:10:30
Speaker
things you have to juggle and this happens. And then if this happens, then we do this. But if this other thing happens, then we do this. And yes, we have this date. But if this other thing doesn't work out, then we have to wait. So I, I really tried to keep it simple. I tried to learn as much as I needed to learn to make the next decision. And that was it. So I was do the next thing.
00:10:51
Speaker
And then when we get to that milestone, then we will do the next thing after that. And that really helped me. contain the the overwhelm or feeling kind of hopeless or like we were never gonna get there.
00:11:05
Speaker
Yeah. Well, the overwhelm is so hard because like you said, you're you're presented with so many choices when you're doing this and it's choosing what makes sense in that moment, what makes sense for your family and you know and and all of that. And that can feel so overwhelming just in general. Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Yes, for sure.
Adoption Journeys and Egg Donation Process
00:11:27
Speaker
Brandon, what brought you to egg donation? Long story short, so i so i've I've always wanted to be a dad. Ever since I was six years old, I remember telling my mom, I want to be a dad. We were at the playground, and I was like, I want to be a dad. And she says, you to get married and go to school, and you have to do all these things. So my number one goal has always to be a dad. you know yeah Some people are like CEO oh or president of the United States. Mine is the dad. That's what it means. i love it. I love it. It made career day easy.
00:12:00
Speaker
Yeah. And I had decided that I was going to go through the foster care system and here in Texas. And we me and my partner had a little girl for about 14 months that we were going to adopt.
00:12:15
Speaker
And I'm sure it is the way it is in other states, but caseworkers are so overwhelmed. Mom had had signed away her rights two months in. And when I went to finalize her adoption, that paperwork was nowhere to be found.
00:12:29
Speaker
And they asked mom to sign again. and mom said, no, this is God's way of saying she has and a second chance. So I lost her long story short. And, um, my partner never wanted to be a dad ever.
00:12:42
Speaker
I, I, actually broke up with him and, um, said, I want to be a dad. I'm almost 40. And this is the time for me to do it. You're in or you're out. And, uh, we broke up for a few months. Um, we ended getting back together. We got her and then he fell absolutely in love with her. And he said, Oh my gosh, I didn't know I wanted to be a dad. And so.
00:13:05
Speaker
until now, you know, and so we were obviously devastated after we lost her. So then we went to adoption, matched adoption, and matched adoption was taking too long to get, ah ah you know, to to get matched. And during this whole time, we were mourning of, you know, her loss and being left or gone back to mom. oh um yeah And so we we started looking at surrogacy and we thought, you know, this is the best way to go, at least they There are so many unknowns, but at least this is kind of more concrete, I guess you could say, versus we may or may not keep the baby or, you know, it's it's always up to the transfer and up to delivery. But after that, you know, it's kind of.
00:13:48
Speaker
here it's a different it's It's a different kind of of wavering, if you will. Right. Exactly. yeah yeah Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I was I was going through, you know, I just kind of Googled egg egg donations. And I remember being on being on a plane one day. And ah there's just so many databases for sure for eggs.
00:14:11
Speaker
And. um You know, there's some crazy ones out there. I remember being embarrassed and I was sitting on the aisle road on a plane and swiping through all these women. And I was thinking, man, I'm sure that the person behind me probably thinking like, I'm looking for something else versus an egg. have been right there with you as my wife would hand me a laptop and been like, go to this catalog of women. Yeah, yeah. This doesn't feel right. Yeah.
00:14:40
Speaker
I mean, and so you know and and some are very, very provocative and some are you know just like, okay. Some of those photos are, yeah, they're something. Absolutely. yeah Yeah.
00:14:53
Speaker
So, yeah. So that's kind of what long story short broad as brought us here, but we just we just adopted a newborn baby. We've weve She's two months as of yesterday. so Oh, congratulations. yeah Thank you. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Obviously I'm in, I'm in all and it's, it's been great these past two months. So yeah, you're in all those dad feels for sure. Yeah, absolutely. Now we're just ready for number two and three. There you go. I love it. We're moving forward. We continue to move forward. absolutely.
00:15:34
Speaker
It takes more than love to create a family. It takes compassion, courage, and connection. At Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions, we've spent more than 18 years helping hopeful parents, surrogates, and egg donors create happy families through egg donation and surrogacy, one relationship at a time.
00:15:53
Speaker
Our team has been there. Many of us are former surrogates, egg donors, and intended parents. So we truly understand this journey. If you're ready to take the next step, visit createahappyfamily.com to apply today.
00:16:06
Speaker
All right, let's get back to the show. Okay, so it's so, it's funny you said, you know, you're you're Googling and then all of a sudden there's just all of these databases and now you're swiping through profiles. And I mean, boy, it's like, you know, it's and an app that you never thought, you know, that kind of thing. It's definitely very overwhelming. What ultimately, well, first of all, what kind of led you to, both of you to to kind of choose between this idea of using an agency versus an egg bank. And then ultimately what led you guys to egg donor and surrogate solutions amongst the just so many options out there, especially going to Google.
00:16:49
Speaker
ah ah I think again, I really tried not to learn more than I needed to about anything. yeah So when I was talking with my fertility doctor,
00:17:03
Speaker
And we said, I think we want to pursue egg donor. Can you tell us more about that? She, you know, she ran down cost, a couple other things. And she said, here's two... Agents. Egg donor agencies that we work with.
00:17:19
Speaker
And she also talked about how you could do frozen, you know, eggs. But she just said the best chance, like statistically, of success with a transfer is from...
00:17:30
Speaker
using, you know, having your donor go through IVF and then you get all the eggs. Those become embryos. We freeze those embryos. Like that's, that's the highest risk. chance of success and we were lucky that we're lucky that we were in a place to that was financially an option so again we're we're just in this place where if we're doing this we're gonna give it our best shot so that that seemed obvious she handed me two agencies i literally just went online and looked them up both of them created a profile and honestly it's because within a day i didn't know this was going to happen someone texted or called me from the agency
00:18:08
Speaker
And I was like, oh, didn't know that was going to happen. And I talked to a real person and she just said, what are you looking for? what are you interested in? and You know, we were, I'm sure some people start that process and they need to think about it for a long time, but by the time we had made that choice, we were ready. And so yeah um it was very it was very helpful.
00:18:30
Speaker
And that's how we ended up here. I didn't look at another agency. I didn't talk to another group. Again, i I'm very much of like, if it's here, it's in front of me, it feels good.
00:18:41
Speaker
then let's do it that's that's all I need. i will say about picking a ah donor, you know, Brian and I met online. and but I've joked I've picked out every living thing in our family. I've picked them out. I picked the dogs out that we've adopted.
00:18:57
Speaker
I love it. When you're looking for a donor, there's something and there's something even more personal and intimate about picking a donor versus even trying to find someone to date, right?
Selecting the Right Donor
00:19:09
Speaker
Tell me more. you're picking someone to be a member of your family. You know, you may not, you may never meet them. You may never know them, but you are bringing this person into your family in a way that's like very abrupt.
00:19:25
Speaker
Um, and again, in a weird way, it's not, there's no dating. It's just a, you pick this person and then, you know, they're they're you're there's a connection there that will last the rest of your life.
00:19:36
Speaker
Absolutely. And it's not a, that wasn't a bad thing. and It was just bizarre. It's just ah it's just a like, it's just a very strange thing to do. And I, yeah um to think,
00:19:50
Speaker
I just, i went on, ah hate to say vibes, but like, kinda. Like i that's, you know, the kid, you know. No, I don't think we hate that. I don't think we hate that though. Because I mean, you you do, you go off that intuition. You go, cause I mean, you can read all day long, but ultimately it's, you know, it's a feeling, right?
00:20:09
Speaker
Yeah, and there's, of course, you can filter people, but i the way I thought about it is I almost imagine our donor as, like, a cousin that lives in another state, and we talk about her sometimes, but she's not really here.
00:20:23
Speaker
Sure. I just thought about, like, who who in this roster of people feels like they could be, like, a someone in my extended family. Or if we met for coffee, we would have a nice conversation, and it it would feel...
00:20:37
Speaker
organic and that was that was ba you know after I kind of narrowed it down based on some some preferences like that's that was it just who do I feel an affinity to when I watch their video when I read their writing um and so that was it yeah absolutely Brandon what about you
00:21:06
Speaker
you muted
00:21:11
Speaker
Can you hear me? yeahp
00:21:15
Speaker
um So me and Jake, we split up the task. He researched one agency and I researched totally, completely different agency. And then we kind of compared notes and just kind of what we were looking for, things like that. Man, I, you know, I didn't, I did not know until recently that egg donor solutions is also an agency as well too. I thought it was an egg donor bank because that, that was not, my that was not my agency to research on, you know, unfortunately, if not,
00:21:45
Speaker
We definitely would have been with you guys because you guys have treated us so well and educated as every step of the way and it's and it's it's been wonderful. But as far as picking out a a donor, it was like, you pick your top five and I pick my top five and let's see which ones we pick together. You know, we both just sat down one day and went to separate rooms and came back about three or four times and we kind of narrow narrowed it down that way. And and and and at first it was like, okay, I want someone who I would normally date, like,
00:22:18
Speaker
someone with dark hair or blonde hair or colored eye, you know, like so someone I was attracted to, someone that he was attracted to. And we both completely picked someone that we didn't think that we would pick just just based off their profile. And there's their just their likes, the dis their dislikes, their genetic history, their education, their height, their weight.
00:22:39
Speaker
it just It wasn't who we thought we were gonna pick at all, but we were both happy with with her, so. How funny. oh my goodness. Yeah. i've I've heard that process before where it was, you know, partners go into a separate room and look through it, you know, separately instead of instead of together. So yeah, and everyone I've heard, it sounds like that that that has resulted in some sort of kismet where somehow everybody magically agrees on something.
00:23:09
Speaker
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's awesome. Well, so during all of this, what, you know, Brandon, you said it like you just, I mean, you've received so much education and, you know, whether it was from your coordinator and then Liz, I know you, you said you got a phone call within a day,
00:23:31
Speaker
you know, what has that support looked like, whether it was from the agency or your coordinator or, make you know, kind of the village around you? How, what was that support like while you're going through this? Because like you said, Liz, it's, you know, one step forward and two steps back. And, you know, some of us are grieving throughout the process. I mean, Brandon, my gosh, you you had everything going on with your family while you're doing this. I mean, you've got to have that village, right?
00:24:01
Speaker
um You know, i think for us, we were so uneducated or so confused that it kind of scared us to move forward. You know, every every step forward, we're like, do we want to take this step? Because we still don't know the step prior. Like, like we still don't understand that that process yet. And I think through, you know, the agency, you guys, you know, attorneys, everyone, like you guys, I mean, just...
00:24:29
Speaker
my coordinator was awesome you know she educated us on every single thing and cat and you know sent emails with every single process which is awesome like hey you know next monday you're you know we're doing this and then next tuesday we're doing this and she you know ah ah a lot of people say those things hey i'm i'm gonna I'm going to be there through step one through one hundred at this point. Um, and, and update you. And, and, and she did, she was wonderful. Like we, we knew things were moving forward just because of the emails that we were getting, you know, no one wants to sign up with with an egg donor bank or or an agency and just it's it's completely silent until you reach out. And for you guys, you know, she reached out at every process. And then she all she also kind of just kind of gave us tips. You know, us being a same-sex couple, you know, so a lot of clinics don't have, I guess, um their fees, you know, for you know for same-sex couples as far as
00:25:30
Speaker
whatever that that process looks like. But, you know, she- Sure, yeah, they don't match up always. They're separate ways for, yeah, for if you're using two different types of sperm and all kinds of- Right, exactly, yes. It's madness, absolutely, yes. and And that, we had no a clue, so you know she she would just give us a heads up, like, hey, ask your clinic about this. you know Some clinics are just a little bit behind, and you know and i I just wanna make sure that you're not paying more than- than than what you need but no i mean she was awesome you know after after everything was said and done and our donor um you know did her eggs and whatnot um i i told jake i said man i wish we would have signed up with with them as our agency so it was awesome it was a great it it was a great experience so
00:26:20
Speaker
I'm so glad that you felt cared for, but that you also felt advocated for. um Because, I mean, you're you're right. Unfortunately, not all clinics are kind of up to date on what should be just for all people in general. And so I love that um that you felt advocated for during that process. What about you guys?
00:26:42
Speaker
i ah Again, i i would i don't think it would have even occurred to me to try to do this without an agency. yeah and And I think everyone's different and thinks about it differently. and i yeah But I think if you can't, for me, if there it you have the money, there are certain things that is not it does not make sense to me to cut corners.
00:27:06
Speaker
I love that. Yeah. I value, like I learned when I was very young to never dye my own hair. So I, this is a good thing. Yes. I pay someone money for their expertise there, right? Yes. We all have talents. but This is an area of, um, choosing an egg donor and navigating the legal and medical framework of that. That is so far outside of my domain of expertise that it is worth,
00:27:35
Speaker
hiring an agency that not only helps you find the egg donor, but then walks with you every step of the way. And I, I, we were so lucky. Our fertility clinic is also amazing, like, like truly top tier and really cares and really knows what they're doing. And so I feel like,
00:27:54
Speaker
any Every setback we had, it had nothing to do with the ball getting dropped. You know, it had nothing to do with someone forgetting to do something or not getting back to so us or or something falling through the cracks. And so, yeah you know, I felt very...
00:28:07
Speaker
cared for and and also kind of going back to my just do the next thing it was always very very clear to me what is the next thing and if it wasn't clear I could send an email can you remind me what's that next thing I need to do or am I are we waiting on you guys oh we are okay that's great um and Amanda our our coordinator is awesome she's still is checking in on me she emailed me today just to ask how we were doing and how things were going and so you know i feel like yes it's a job for people but that they really do care and again the knowledge y'all know because you've walked with so many people down this road you know all the ins and outs of the process and that's also really nice too you know we we have some print friends that knew what were going on and
00:28:54
Speaker
They were great, but I really think unless you've walked this road, and you can't yeah entirely understand it. of The timing of things, how you have to, how you can miss a window for something by a day. And then that means you have to wait a whole menstrual cycle for something to happen. Or there's this, you know, this, to oh, sorry, you have to have a hysteroscopy. So you're not going to do this. It's going to be two more months, you know? Yes.
00:29:19
Speaker
So all those little things um that add up. And then so like friends care, like I've had friends, I remember they would check in and then I know they feel like they waited a long time, but they maybe be waited three weeks to check in.
00:29:32
Speaker
And I'm like, I don't have anything new for you because it's still, we're still waiting, you know? And and so it's just. um And I think having that like guide that was right information, right time.
00:29:45
Speaker
I love that. Like but a scary little delay popped up in a, in a chain of a lot of delays and knows, Hey, we've had delays before. And that's annoying. So like, here's, here's the right information at the right time. It happened, but here's what's happened before. Here's what's going to happen next. This is, you know, not that big of a deal.
00:30:03
Speaker
It just immensely helpful. Like, it's just so nice to like have somebody that like, cause like we've never done this and we're never going to do it again. um Ideally, one of one. And then, so like having somebody that's had those swings at the bat and and walked that road before, or whatever metaphor you want to use there, like, again, immensely helpful.
00:30:24
Speaker
Not just spending any time in life that you can get those resources. So yeah, lucky we're at a point that we could spend that extra money and and pay for high quality resources there, but worth every penny and more so.
00:30:35
Speaker
I think it was just, you know, it it was it was definitely ah the follow-up and just the education that you guys provided that made us feel a lot more comfortable in going through this process. Because, i mean, just like you guys said, I mean, it is a lot of money and you you want to make sure that you aren't cutting corners and that you are getting, you know,
00:30:54
Speaker
what you want. And I mean, just that that follow-up was amazing from the time that I inquired about you know the the first donor to you know to the very last one. So it was great.
00:31:06
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I love that. And you're so right. You're so right. it's you know Whenever you are overwhelmed with all of the possibilities and you just want to know the next thing,
00:31:20
Speaker
to be able to have that person holding your hand every step
Educational Support in Egg Donation
00:31:25
Speaker
of the way. and And whenever those bumps do come up and you're like, oh my gosh, is this a big deal? Hey, it's OK. It's OK. We've got this. All good. We're going to, you know, here's point A, point B, plan A, plan C, you know, whatever it may be. So, oh, I'm so glad you guys had such a wonderful experience and had that education because it is huge. Education, I feel like, is more knowledge, more power, right? Yeah.
00:31:49
Speaker
What do you feel like was maybe the biggest surprise whenever you were going through this whole experience?
00:32:03
Speaker
You can go ahead, Liz. yeah I'll go. This is not specifically about the egg donor and the process, but I think... i think goodnna Maybe this sounds overly sentimental, but I think Brian and I are closer now.
00:32:19
Speaker
and Oh, I love that. it is really um It's been really hard, but through all those difficult things, we worked really well together as a team. And I think there's just something so nice about having someone...
00:32:36
Speaker
to share the grief with. ah Like by nice, I mean beautiful. um There's something really about that. And that I feel like we're we're working, we've gotten even clearer on our communication.
00:32:50
Speaker
Just because there's things we're keeping up with and then you're starting to think about having a kid and like wanting to hone and sharpen that and just having tough conversations and sitting with difficult things. um I really think it's made our relationship stronger and it's made me really, i think I'm seeing glimpses of the dad that he's gonna be and that, and yeah, that's where I'll get really emotional, but I'm just really excited.
00:33:14
Speaker
And the way I felt supported by him in this process, you know, I just, again, I think it's hints of things to come and that makes me, that makes me really um excited.
00:33:27
Speaker
the like biggest My biggest surprise has been the amount of other people in my life that have gone through this journey or something very similar and just not talked about it.
00:33:38
Speaker
And in whatever way, like I'm chatty with my friends about things. I'm bad at keeping secrets. So there's just certain people saying, Hey, are bummed out? like, well, okay. You want to know why i bummed out today? It's like, because all this happened.
00:33:50
Speaker
ah And I have found the more that I've opened up with people and shared the the hurdles and just that we've been going through it. um All kinds of my friends have come out of the woodwork and they've they've gone through it. One of them's going through this right now. And, you know, it's just been really, really nice to like,
00:34:11
Speaker
you know, put a put a little bit of vulnerability out there to kind of share some difficulty and like really be rewarded with like connection to a lot of people and and just kind of like people don't talk about it as much. And I think they should. So yeah that's what I'm going to take with me going forward on this.
00:34:28
Speaker
Oh, I love that. i love that so much. i mean, and you're so right. I, i feel as though, you know, I kind of, i hang out in surrogacy land and i feel like that surrogacy kind of,
00:34:45
Speaker
for lack of a better word, doesn't necessarily feel as taboo. Like, I mean, granted, you know, Lifetime movies and People Magazine definitely take it and run with it. But, you know, like it it seems a little more, as people talk about it a little more, but egg donation still seems so abstract, so bizarre, like you said, Liz, and, you know, and and people don't know how to talk about it. And you're so right. The more the more you talk about it, the more you make it less taboo,
00:35:15
Speaker
the more people it just becomes commonplace right like people are doing it they're just not talking about it yeah brandon what were you gonna say yeah i was gonna say i can relate to both i was gonna say that you know ah all of my friends who have kids have done surrogacy and so you know we've kind of briefed through the topic every now and then but and i was like acting like I understood what they were saying.
00:35:40
Speaker
sure I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So now, you know, now, you know, I'm going back to them and asking them questions. And so that that's gotten us closer. Um, and to Liz's point, you know, me and Jake have been, we've connected on a whole new level. you know, probably this past year that like, like no other. I mean, when, when, when people ask how, how we're doing, I'm like, man, we are on the same page. We are communicating great. And I think to Liz's point, it was just because this process gets, you know, it makes you guys closer, you know, to the point where I got, we got engaged and we got married last year. mean, it was, it was,
00:36:20
Speaker
it's it's It's just crazy when you're just you know working on on on on a goal like this and then just looking towards the future if you know when that goal actually happens.
00:36:31
Speaker
um But yeah, I think i think um to Liz's point, that that was my biggest surprise too was just how well we connected because we weren't connecting very well before that. it Absolutely. Oh, I love that. I love that.
00:36:48
Speaker
So to any other, and you know, intended parents out there, what would be the biggest advice that you would want to maybe give to
Advice for Prospective Parents
00:37:00
Speaker
them? Or maybe what would you want to say to yourself, you know, on day one of this?
00:37:07
Speaker
I think I would say we don't have to know everything from from day one. This is gonna be a slow process for as far as on the educational side of it. now get Get to understand one process before the other. and if you choose egg donor solutions, I mean, they're gonna walk you through every step of the way, every process, they're gonna educate you. um And I think that you know looking at egg donor profile, just be open. You may be going into wanting a certain you know demographic or height or weight, but you know those videos, the videos that are actually on Y'all's website, those really speak to you. yeah you know i i There were several that I i wanted as as as as our donor, and but they were already taken. Um, so, I would just say, you know, there's no rush. Um, and, I'm going to go, go through those, um, through those profiles and, um it could be ah a week, two weeks, a month, but just definitely take your time pick in whomever you like. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
00:38:26
Speaker
i could pro I should have thought about this more and I won't you know spend 30 minutes with all my advice. but i I think the just do the next thing is a piece of advice. Try not to get overwhelmed. and and And ask yourself, is the information I'm trying to learn helpful and do I need it right now? And if the answer to one of those questions is no...
00:38:50
Speaker
then then maybe don't bring that in yet and you know take in what's useful. um I would also say, think about the difference between feelings and data.
00:39:01
Speaker
And they're both that's they're both really important pieces of information, but but don't confuse the two and try to bring them both in when you're making your decisions.
00:39:13
Speaker
um And also i would just say, you know, if you're feeling a little strange about pursuing egg donor or a little worried about it or a little sad about it, I think those are all really normal feelings.
00:39:27
Speaker
And I think it would actually be strange if you didn't have some sort of mixed feeling there. It's somewhere in there. um And so, and I think as I've gone along, you know,
00:39:41
Speaker
all my concerns, I think they're very normal. And so i'm not worried that I have concerns, but even as we're going along in this process and the closer we get to actually having a kid, I am finding some of those fears falling away. Some of those concerns about will I connect?
00:39:57
Speaker
Because i I do really feel like you know, I'm contributing here. i i i love them The longer I'm pregnant, yeah the more I'm like, oh, I'm doing a lot of work here. Oh, you think so?
00:40:08
Speaker
You think you're doing some work over there? Yeah, I'm actually, I am contributing. Yes, ma'am, I'd say so. so as as we go along in this process, I feel like some of those concerns are are falling away. And I think in the end, we will have a baby and then a child. That's who they are. And once they're here, can't.
00:40:31
Speaker
I don't, I won't imagine it any other way. And that's, so that, that will erase some of the, again, on the front end, before you have the good thing, like the the kid on the other side, it's just concerns.
00:40:43
Speaker
And you're not yet, you're not yet to the the place that you're arriving to. That sounds very, uh, esoteric, but but you're you're with the waiting. You're not in the being yet, I guess. And so when you're finally doing it and living your life, I think some of those concerns will fall away. And and if not, get a good therapist. fist Work it out.
00:41:06
Speaker
Love therapy. Everybody should do it. Just by the by. ah i would I would just say, don't you know don't don't be afraid to voice your concerns and give your feedback, you know, because some of mine were, I'm being selfish or I'm feeling insecure and I was afraid to talk to my spouse about that. But but once but but once we did, you know, it was a great conversation and I could move on to the conversation.
00:41:33
Speaker
next insecurity that I can. There you go. Yeah. Well, I mean, that speaks to what Brian said about vulnerability and, you know, that's with your, with your spouse and your tribe around you. I'm sorry, Brian, interrupted you.
00:41:48
Speaker
No, it's just like, I agree. I think talking it out is the best policy for all. If you're going to this as a couple, talk it out. If you're going, this is an individual, find, find somebody in your trust tree that you can talk these things out with because it is just,
00:42:03
Speaker
Like decisions you are going to have to make purely on statistics and guts and, Hey, we made a, you know, like there, there's three data points ever for this thing. ever in the history out of science Make a good decision, y'all.
00:42:19
Speaker
um You're just going to have to be okay with making some gut choices. And I think being a couple, like talking it out and talking out the weirdness because, know,
00:42:30
Speaker
Like it's the, it's the only way and you'll, you'll get it out And I think you'll find the other person's going through the same weirdness or their own version of it too.
Embracing Modern Family Diversity
00:42:39
Speaker
I thought of one more. Go for it. And advice to maybe even myself or, you know, cause I was talking about how it can feel weird or you might be sad, but I think there's, I truly believe that there's all kinds of ways to have a family and family looks different for lots of different people and we have we are we have never lived in a better time for that.
00:43:03
Speaker
yeah um And so I take a lot of comfort knowing that yes, will everybody my child knows, will this be the like typical? No, but there are more gonna be more kids out there like them than ever before and more resources for talking about it and and And again, it's, you know, just because you're not like all the other people right next to you doesn't mean there aren't people out there like you. It doesn't mean there's other people out there aren't different.
00:43:31
Speaker
And so i'm I'm hopeful that this, you know, cultivates an opportunity for empathy and compassion and and understanding that there are all types of ways to be a family. Mm-hmm.
00:43:43
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've always said it's amazing how we as adults, we tend to make things way more complicated than those kids ever do. yeah um Yeah, I just, I mean, it was so funny even talking to my kids, you know, I'm ah i'm a surrogate and so they've, you know, I've gone to many a school function where I'm pregnant and it's not their brother or sister and, you know, they they just, you know, their friends are like, you know, oh, you're getting another, you know, you're you're getting another sibling?
00:44:08
Speaker
No, someone else's and they just go on. yes Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that. You guys are so, oh my gosh. Well, okay. My final, my final question. This is a fun one.
00:44:23
Speaker
So for anyone who knows me, they know that I have a very codependent relationship on coffee and this may or may not be decaf. We'll, you know, we'll see, we'll
Morning Rituals and Personal Reflections
00:44:32
Speaker
find out. But, uh, at, um, I love to always ask what filled your cup this morning, literally or figuratively.
00:44:42
Speaker
What filled your cup?
00:44:48
Speaker
Somebody had to sit in traffic and go to the doctor's office for a blood sugar. I was going to say, well, my answer is not is not like very poetic. it was i just I had some really good breakfast tacos this morning. You know what? That feels nice. Breakfast tacos can really fill one cup. Absolutely. Yep, it was nice.
00:45:07
Speaker
I gave somebody a promotion yesterday. awesome. was at a meeting today where that person just like rocked out and was like a great... lead after getting that promotion and you could just feel that he was like headwind in his sales.
00:45:21
Speaker
So, Oh, that makes you feel good. As a, as a manager, I always take joy when I see things like that. Absolutely. oh I love that.
00:45:32
Speaker
and For me, it's my daughter. I mean, i wake up every morning feeling blessed and great. And even in the middle of the night when she's up at three in the morning, you know, I'm not complaining about it because this is what I wanted. And my my husband's been gone on, you know, for work out of state all this week. And so it's just been me, her. But every morning I see those blue eyes and she wakes up and and we just have a great day. So she's filling my cup.
00:46:01
Speaker
I love that. I love that. Well, thank you guys again for, you know, just giving your time and being willing to share your story and being vulnerable and, you know, just a help to any of those, you know, listeners we have ah out there who are wanting to educate themselves more. i am just, I'm so grateful to you and sending all the the good vibes to you, Liz, with, you know, all of the upcoming fun for Liz and Brian. And, you know, Brandon, give, you know, our love to to Jake as well as you guys go on to, you you know, the next part of your adventure and your growing families. So thank you guys so, so, so much.
00:46:40
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations, Brandon. Thank you. Appreciate it Good luck, guys. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye.