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Before IVF: What Most Couples Miss About Fertility
61 Plays15 days ago
Fertility isn’t just about trying harder — it’s about understanding time and timing.
In this episode, Dr. Melvin Thornton explains what most couples miss about fertility, including why properly timed intercourse and early evaluation matter more than many people realize. If you’re trying to get pregnant, navigating infertility, or wondering when to seek help, this conversation breaks down the foundational steps before moving to IVF or advanced treatment.
Dr. Thornton also addresses one of the most overlooked contributors to infertility: male factor fertility. Nearly 40% of fertility challenges involve sperm health, yet many couples delay or skip a semen analysis early in the process.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
• What “time and timing” really mean when trying to conceive
• When age becomes a critical fertility factor
• Why ovulation tracking matters
• Why sperm analysis should often come first
• How to approach fertility testing in a structured, informed way
Whether you’re just starting your fertility journey or reassessing next steps, this episode offers practical, evidence-based guidance to help you focus on the fundamentals before escalating care.
Understanding fertility starts with clarity — and clarity starts with the right information.
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Transcript
Understanding Timing in Fertility
00:00:00
Speaker
Well, there are two things need to learn about fertility. There's two words, time and timing. If you're trying to get pregnant and it's not happening, most couples assume they just need to try harder, track more, stress more, wait longer.
00:00:18
Speaker
But what most couples miss is an effort. It's fundamentals. And sometimes you're testing the wrong person first. 40% of couples have difficulty consuming because of spread. I need two minutes from about So before you jump into IVF, before months of testing, let's talk about what actually needs to happen first.
00:00:38
Speaker
Enjoy hearing from Dr. Melvin Thornton.
00:00:44
Speaker
Well, Dr. Thornton, i am just I'm so grateful that you're here, and I am so grateful that we are able to just hear from your expertise.
00:00:55
Speaker
So many people listening feel so overwhelmed by fertility information and are unsure when or even if they should be worried.
00:01:07
Speaker
From your perspective, just right out of the gate, what do you wish... people understood sooner about their fertility?
Educating on Menstrual Cycles
00:01:17
Speaker
Oh my God. That's an amazing question. And the easiest question, because I wish, let's let's go back to high school, maybe middle school, where they taught you how not to get pregnant.
00:01:31
Speaker
They taught you about birth control. sure The didn't even discuss those things, of course, right? But no one ever said, well, this is how do you actually get pregnant. I would say about 30% to 40% of the couples that I see have no idea they have time sex.
00:01:52
Speaker
They're clueless. They always think the magic day is day 14 when they have a 25-day cycle or they have a 30-day cycle.
00:02:03
Speaker
So I wish the first step is everyone learn their menstrual cycle.
Tracking Fertility: Traditional vs Modern Methods
00:02:12
Speaker
Now, Whitney, you remember back in the day, women had a code book that was a calendar.
00:02:20
Speaker
And in that calendar, they had little red dots, you know, meaning that you're on your period. And then there they were, I can say this from a fertility doctor, but there were little hearts in there.
00:02:32
Speaker
see them in the heart me, that's when they had intro course, okay? So back then, I didn't ask you to see calendar, and I can tell they're having sex at the right time, okay? But now no one does it anymore. I asked the women on outside, said what was your last period?
00:02:48
Speaker
I don't remember. Let me check my phone. Wait, oh, why you gotta check your phone? This is something you have to know. um So that's that's like one of the biggest things that I realized is that a lot of women don't know exactly when they're ovulating and when they have sex.
Interpreting Bodily Signals for Conception
00:03:05
Speaker
And we're both frozen right now. not wrong. And it feels like that, well it feels like really just the woman's menstrual cycle, despite the fact that we're, you know, in 2026, not a lot of people really know about what is going on in terms of just hormones. And like you said, the ovulation periods and, you know, just all of those things and wouldn't even know where to start. Yeah.
00:03:28
Speaker
I mean, you know, i would I was saying that most, I'm the kind of doctor that, that will listen to my patients. And usually I'm hearing is that, a they're not having intercourse at the right time, they're not having sleep on intercourse.
00:03:46
Speaker
And the one thing that we talk about the menstrual cycle is that everyone thinks the best day to have sex is day 14, but if your cycle is not a 20-day cycle, that may be too late have intercourse, maybe too early. And then, you know, other thing is that I always say your body will tell you when you're fertile.
The Role of Male Fertility
00:04:04
Speaker
And the way it does that is by secreting something called cervical mucus. And I tell them that the reason why that your body secrets cervical mucus is because sperm are like guys.
00:04:16
Speaker
We have no idea which way to go or where to go, which way to turn. So the mucus allows the sperm to jump right into it go right to the cervix and get to where it needs to be without asking for directions, okay? um But what I ask them was, you check your cervical mucus? They go...
00:04:34
Speaker
uh what is that say well you know in the middle of your cycle you probably get this voice sensation with a lot of discharge oh yes yeah and say that's cervical weakness and that's when you're much fertile and then the other thing that they don't realize is i take teaching about biology i said another way your body would tell you that you read you're fertile is that you start secreting testosterone you know really women secrete testosterone say yes You see testosterone at the time you're about to operate because it makes you more riskier.
00:05:10
Speaker
So you start seeking out your partner. your fly sure There's an egg coming and i need sperm. And so the testosterone goes up and you start saying, where's my partner? you need to come home early because feel like I'm in the mood.
00:05:27
Speaker
There you go, biology. here Yeah, that's the way your body works. And many women don't listen to what their body's trying to tell them. When the body says, hey, all the bells are whistling going off, and they go like, you know, I checked an ovulation kit, but it was negative. I say, ovulation kits are great, but they're man-made.
00:05:46
Speaker
And some of them are very defective. And if your body's saying one thing, the ovulation kit's saying another thing, go with what your body's telling them. Well, you're right. There's so much outside noise or there's, you know, shame or, you know, just all kinds of things that make it where I think a lot of people stop. Like you said, they stop listening to their body and they're going to Dr. Google and,
Misconceptions and Stress in Conception
00:06:15
Speaker
you know, just, just all of those things. oh One, one thing that I think is a really big misconception in the world of fertility is that,
00:06:27
Speaker
It is just a woman's issue. What do you wish more people understood about male fertility and the role that it plays in family building?
00:06:39
Speaker
Well, I would say number one is that it takes two to make a baby. It's like it takes two to go to a night to dance. it's Okay. Well, it's not really the two people dance, but you know, you need to. Sure. And The sperm is very important and that 40% of couples have different conceivings because of sperm.
00:07:03
Speaker
And this is what I hear. I hear, well, you know what? I want to make sure if I'm okay before but you check the sperm. I said, no, that's not the way it works.
Fertility Treatments and Expectations
00:07:13
Speaker
You should both the same time. I've seen many women who've gone on medication and some of them have had surgery, their possible examination done.
00:07:22
Speaker
And they come to see me and say, well, where's the sperm analysis? They go, oh, I haven't had that done yet. I said, well, you know, the your partner needs a sperm analysis. They said, well, didn't want to get him involved until knew I was okay. i said, well, you got to do both at the same time.
00:07:39
Speaker
And for guys out there, women will go through procedures that are uncomfortable. They'll go through biopsy. They'll do x-rays. They'll have ultrasound. They'll get their blood drawn every other day.
00:07:53
Speaker
i need I need two minutes from now, okay? Some guys, not just for two minutes. But it's like, it's like, well, I got this. I was working late. I don't feel good. I got the flu. Like, come on. Let's put something in the cup and move on, you know? It's very difficult.
00:08:11
Speaker
But it's one the most important tests that we need. Absolutely. For, for men listening who may be, you know, just even thinking about this for the first time, what are maybe just some simple proactive steps that they can take early on to either protect or assess their infertility? I know you said it's just a simple, you know, just sperm analysis. Is there anything just maybe lifestyle wise that you feel like is important for men to hear?
00:08:45
Speaker
Yeah, this most important please is just to be healthy, okay? Yeah. ah Let's not do anything that can affect our health, so there's smoking. um Make sure you're taking any medications that you talk to your doctor about, it's just going to affect my fertility or research it seems to affect your fertility. Part of being healthy for lot of people is going to the gym and working out and taking supplements.
00:09:12
Speaker
Make sure the supplements you're taping are not affecting your sperm production. um there's There's a lot of men who like to take a lot of hot baths. And the worst thing you can do is to take a hot bath every day because the other one is that, you know, the sperm don't like to be hot. That's why testicles are outside the body. If you put too much heat there, it's going to decrease the sperm count. So hot baths, hot tubs, you know, those are great every mean now and then, but not on on a daily basis. it in And boxers are much better than breeds. So if you're a boxer guy, you can be able to, if you're a breed guy, consider changing over the boxers to let the testers breed, let the sperm nice fresh air so they can grow properly.
00:09:58
Speaker
Yeah, no, that's perfect. but I mean, again, these are such like little things, but like I said, I feel like, and again, I'm sure as you've witnessed, you see all, you know, women are going and having all of these procedures and, you know, and all of these things. And a lot of times, ah you know, most men don't really think about it until after the fact.
00:10:21
Speaker
Yeah, it was interesting too there, know, there are a lot of same type couples and single men trying to have children and they've already spent money on certain things. I said, well, have you done a sperm test? They go, no, have you done sperm test? They why are you spending money over here?
00:10:39
Speaker
we can make sure you have sperm so that you can, you know, have a baby. You know, it's always best to find out sooner than later because If the sperm count's low or there's no sperm, then we can investigate to find out what's going on before we move over to the next
Emotional Aspects of Fertility Options
00:10:54
Speaker
step. So, you know, yeah it goes back to, don't know, we we have so much technology that we forget the basic stuff. You know, we we go to Google, we go to our phone.
00:11:06
Speaker
And Google will never say, first step, get a sperm test done. It will never say that. It'll tell you all these other things that you can do. Yeah. Yeah. And it's surprising that that's not more common with, like you said, 40% of infertility or fertility struggles start, you know, with sperm being, you know, part of it.
00:11:28
Speaker
What, what would you say are maybe some of the most common myths or misconceptions that you see people carrying with them before they ever even walk into your office?
00:11:45
Speaker
oh the common myth is that it's easy for everyone to get pregnant except for me most people get pregnant they say that my my girlfriend she has six one time i got pregnant okay or her partner tried for two months and they were pregnant i said
Starting Early: Understanding Your Body
00:12:06
Speaker
you can't listen to that because most people you have to ask the right question if they say well we got pregnant in two months they say well When was the last time you used that birth control?
00:12:17
Speaker
Let me tell you, when we started using birth control eight months ago, but we didn't really try for the last two months. Realistically, you've been exposing yourself for eight months trying to get pregnant.
00:12:28
Speaker
And the most important thing, the two words that I learned, I always, when I first day I thought I was a great professor, he said, there are two things you need to learn about fertility.
00:12:42
Speaker
It's two words, time, And timing. It takes time to get pregnant. And the women, as you know, the definition of infantile women under 35, probably from a year, over 35, try for, you know, six months.
00:12:59
Speaker
But the most important thing is timing. Because if the timing is not right, you kind of miss that whole month. And now got to start over the following month. So those two words are really, really important. Time and timing.
00:13:11
Speaker
And don't be frustrated if it's taking three months or four months. I have some people come to see me in their early 30s. They say, well, we want to make sure everything's okay before we start.
00:13:23
Speaker
I say, well, that's a beautiful thing. You know, let's make sure everything is good.
Encouragement and Success in Fertility
00:13:27
Speaker
But I have to remind them that no matter what the test results show, it doesn't mean that you can't get pregnant. There may be a lot of people walking around that have some issues that we don't know about, but they get pregnant and you have children. So the one thing is just they understand your body. Understand your body, know re-opulating.
00:13:49
Speaker
And now if it's been a while since you've been trying to get pregnant, you'll see a specialist. That specialist doesn't have to be a fertil facility doctor. That specialist should be gynecologist.
00:14:01
Speaker
because they're the first line of defense to kind of say, let's do some initial testing to make sure everything's okay. And then if you see something that's, you know, that's more and involved, then we'll refer you a fertility doctor. So is I think it to becomes very stressful if you're just starting out and trying to make sure everything's okay.
00:14:21
Speaker
You go to the fertility doctor and you get, you see all the other things, you see women coming in on your office, you You see, know, they started doing ultrasound. You know, it becomes a whole stressful thing. Instead starting with your gynecologist, where you feel comfortable with, get that testing done, and now get referred to the facility doctor. if you to When you say testing with your gynecologist, what are some of the common tests that happen at that stage if you're, like you said, just getting started?
00:14:57
Speaker
okay Yeah, the first step for every oncologist to do is to take a history, okay? There's a lot of things just by talking to a patient and you can diagnose.
00:15:09
Speaker
You know, there are some things that they may have a sexual dysfunctional issue in the relationship and that's why i'm not getting pregnant. A woman could say, you know, I got this discharge that's coming from my breast and that's that's something that did make her periods irregular.
00:15:25
Speaker
Well, she may not have periods at all. It may not be ovulated. So there's simple things that a doctor can get by just talking to the patient, you know, making sure periods are regular. When lu was your, are you having discomfort when you have intercourse? Do you have discomfort when you have your menstrual cycle, such as endometriosis?
00:15:47
Speaker
So a lot of different things that you can solve with by a history. But then we started doing some diagnostic testing. And basically, there's four things that we want to assess. The first is, i call ovarian reserve, or what is your egg reserve like?
00:16:04
Speaker
The second is the sperm. The third is, are you making an egg every month? Are you ovulating? And then the fourth part are you souped over? You know, it's interesting. A lot of people don't know that in order to conceive, the egg and sperm meet in the fallopian soup.
00:16:22
Speaker
A lot of them have no idea. You say the fallopian soup, a fallopian tube was that so I have my handy dandy diagram on on my desk I say look this is how you get pregnant naturally this is the fallopian tube and the egg comes here and his sperm goes there and they oh I didn't know that you know it's very complex to get pregnant yes it's very complex to get pregnant oh my gosh I love it it feels like we all just need to go back and take you know ah go back to biology go back to high school where we were all just you know just start over but
00:16:56
Speaker
You know, two things, learn your biology. And number two, stop working so hard. my goodness. I got, you know, it was interesting that the couples were trying to get pregnant.
00:17:08
Speaker
They always were very late. Or one person working during the day, then the other person working at night. By the time they both get home together, they're both tired. and um So, you know, this is one of those things that you have to say, at your whole lifestyle. You know, it's just something I can change in my lifestyle to make sure that we're together at the time that I know that I'm working.
00:17:33
Speaker
Yeah. Speaking of lifestyle, I mean, we hear a lot about cortisol levels or, you know, you do kind of always hear the old, the old adage of, oh, the minute that I stopped trying all of a sudden I was pregnant and things like that. What are maybe some of just those lifestyle changes or just things that need to be assessed whenever you're wanting to try and, and get pregnant and you're looking at your fertility?
00:18:02
Speaker
Yeah, I would say, you know, lifestyle changes, number one is that people always do things in moderation. <unk>re Like you mentioned, hey, you love your coffee. You know, you love coffee, you have coffee. But look at your overall caffeine safety. Because if you have a cup of coffee, you have a soda, have some tea, the caffeine levels will over 10 interfere. um You know, things are obvious, such as smoking,
00:18:29
Speaker
Just make sure you know your body and make sure you take a good multivitamin. You want take the pre-dentivitamin because want to be compared. So when you do get pregnant, you have the right vitamin levels in your system.
00:18:44
Speaker
just Just basic things like that. that But the key thing is that know you will get pregnant. It takes time to get pregnant. You got to have sex at the right time.
00:18:56
Speaker
For some patients, it is very difficult to get pregnant. They do have issues that the fertility doctor needs to take care of. But for a lot of women, in are it's a little thing that you make a little adjustments and give yourself a little time and you you will be successful.
00:19:12
Speaker
And time is time is so important because i always see a lot of couples and I say I think you should try longer. And the reason why i tell them that is because with fertility treatment,
00:19:24
Speaker
We try to speed it up, but we're really not able to speed it up. Our first line of treatment is something called inseminations or IUIs, okay? Right.
00:19:35
Speaker
And even for women who were in their early 30s, it may take about four or five months before the majority of those men may get pregnant. And the big issue that they would get frustrated after the second month, after the third month, and they'll stop that treatment They say, well, this is not working.
00:19:55
Speaker
i need something else. And next thing you know, they're IVF. So where did they may just try maybe a four to five months long on their own. Maybe they've gotten pregnant. But by the time you come to a fertility specialist, everything gets sped up.
00:20:09
Speaker
If the first two or three IUIs are working, next thing you know, you're doing IVF work. You may not really need IVF.
00:20:16
Speaker
Yeah. Well, but again, i think i think you're i think you're tapping into something that's so important is that it does feel like time seems to always be the the enemy of fertility. You talk to, you know, everybody wants to go fast because, oh gosh, we've been doing this for so long, whether they, you know, are working with a surrogate or an egg donor or just themselves. And it it I think you're right.
00:20:48
Speaker
It's all relative at the end of the day, whenever you do end up getting, you know, that result that you're wanting, that you're wanting, it just is going to take some time and maybe eventually a readjustment for sure. But like you said, time, it's so important.
00:21:05
Speaker
Yes. Time and timing. See, you got it. Time and timing. Time and timing. One thing, you know, it's, it feels like fertility preservation is becoming more and more common. I think, you know, to maybe take the stress out of that, you know, quote unquote, biological clock and, you know, just things like that. um And so that, that preservation is happening even outside of a medical diagnosis.
00:21:34
Speaker
What would you say are maybe just, you know, again, myths or misconceptions or things to be aware of that you would love to clear up?
00:21:46
Speaker
Yeah, I think the, first of all, egg-free eating, one of the biggest advances for women um is a major advance. I mean, that is it's just fantastic.
00:21:59
Speaker
okay But it has its pros and cons. One of the things as far as the disadvantage is that it is an expensive type of treatment.
00:22:11
Speaker
a lot of people think insurance will cover it and sometimes their insurance say, oh yeah, we cover egg foods, but then they realize it's not for social just preservation. They may cover just because you guys need to have a diagnosis of cancer or some other type of treatment that's going to take away your fertility before they recover it. so know, the stress, stressful cost, the myth that, you know, egg freezing is affordable.
00:22:39
Speaker
I believe in the city, the average egg freezing cost is probably about $8,000. But then you have to add in the medication, which may be another $2,000 or $3,000. So it is a very expensive process.
00:22:52
Speaker
It's, once again, it's great. I think everyone should freeze their eggs. However, is there is a The thing I worry about the most is that when women freeze their eggs, there's a false sense of security.
00:23:11
Speaker
In other words, i can freeze your eggs, but don't know if it's going to come to a healthy the embryo in the future. And some women will freeze their eggs and get this comfort level that, oh, you know what?
00:23:23
Speaker
I will wait another couple of years to try get pregnant. And then there in their 40, they say, you know what? I'm going to fall back in my frozen egg, which is fantastic. That's what they're there for.
00:23:35
Speaker
However, if it doesn't fall very well, doesn't lead to healthy embryos, I've seen a lot of patients that will come in, 42, 43, they the eggs, maybe they're at 35, 36.
00:23:50
Speaker
And those eggs may not be healthy. They may not lead to embryos or they may not get pet pregnant. with those frozen eggs and now they're trying to conceive eggs that are quite just great.
00:24:02
Speaker
The best way to preserve fertility is to freeze embryos. However, need sperm, okay? And a lot of women don't like the concept of using donor sperm, they don't have a partner.
00:24:15
Speaker
And then even if they did have a partner, who knows that commitment is is going to be there in the future and not be free David to the partner, because embryos with the partner and you guys break up in the future, now the partner has to agree that okay you can use those embryos that we create together and get pregnant.
00:24:34
Speaker
So that's difficult. Those are two difficult things. So you know the best way is to freeze embryos but as far as like you know, worrying about I freeze the embryo and I'd be a part in the future, what about those eggs? always have people use half the eggs you make, freeze them, and the other half you can put embryos, you have the best of both worlds.
00:24:59
Speaker
Got it. Got it. It's a lot to think about. it's It really is. And I think it's, I mean, that's definitely, i think you're so right. I think a lot of people, you know, do whenever they think about that fertility preservation, it feels like, oh, freezing eggs is the golden ticket. But like you said, there's so much, there's so much to to think about in terms of what happens after. It's important that you assess your fertility.
00:25:29
Speaker
at all ages but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to act upon it so if you're you know if you're 28 years old you know you should start thinking about my fertility even though 28 no one's thinking about that but you know you should start thinking about that um speak to your oncologist get a test called amh enzyme and their hormone which lets us look at your egg reserve but And understand what that result means is is that it has nothing to tell us if you were pregnant or not. It's just a moment in time of what your reserve is like.
00:26:05
Speaker
There are a lot of people who have a low reserve of age or low AMH that have children. So don't think that because your AMH level is low that means that you're not going to have children.
00:26:17
Speaker
don't think if your AMH level is high that you will have children because just um it's just looking at your age at a moment in time. Right, right. One thing that I think is really interesting is, you know, as you're going through the you know, fertility rollercoaster, I like to call it, when you do eventually, you know, if if you do eventually get to the IVF process, a lot of times I feel like IVF is kind of portrayed as this sure thing or like a one size fits all solution.
00:26:50
Speaker
Can you walk us through just maybe why outcomes can vary so much from person to person? Yeah, I mean, the the one thing that we hadn't realized about IVF is that we've come along, right?
00:27:03
Speaker
You know, when i first started in the fertility world in the 90s, I mean, success rates like around the 20, 25%. And that we learn more and more about embryos, fertilization,
00:27:16
Speaker
the success rates have increased, but they're nowhere near 100%. Even in the ideal scenario, if I take a woman who in her 20s, if the sperm is very healthy, and the only reason why they're doing IVF is because they're two of the blood, then maybe 60, 65% live birth rate, nowhere near 100%.
00:27:40
Speaker
And you know we just don't know what makes it embryo and plant. That's our biggest dilemma. We can look at it. We can see if it has the right chromosome makeup, but we don't know it has the right mechanism to implant.
00:27:54
Speaker
And you know I'm hoping that even my kids don't want to be doctors, but I'm hoping that maybe a few generations down the road, some great, great, great, grandchild of mine will say, you know what?
00:28:07
Speaker
I great, great, great dad that was pretty cool. became a doctor. decided to become a fertility doctor. And they will look back at what we do today and say, oh my God, they were cave people.
00:28:19
Speaker
They didn't how to do this test or that test to identify the embryo. But that's the main reason why we just understand what the embryo is. We can get it eggs.
00:28:31
Speaker
We can fertilize eggs. We can see if the eggs become embryos. But we're just observers. We don't to tell you just what your embryo looks like. It looks like other embryos have the best potential to lead to healthy baby, but we can't say for sure if it will lead to healthy baby. It's success rates, I know we're near 100%.
00:28:52
Speaker
When patients are asking about success rates, how do you help them understand that data in a way that feels honest but not discouraging?
00:29:07
Speaker
Yeah, that's a tricky that's a tricky thing to do because a lot of women don't want to be discouraged when they see what their real outcome looks like. But the best way to do it is that there are, you know, patient predictors based upon IVF and SART.org has a patient predictor based upon your information,
00:29:31
Speaker
your diagnosis, your A and H level, and it would give you an idea of what your life birth rate would be with IVF. And I do that for every patient that I see.
00:29:43
Speaker
that's not to discourage them, but just to be realistic about because most people come in thinking that their chance is gonna be 80, 90%. But then when you put their data in, they realize, oh,
00:29:55
Speaker
Wow, know, it's not as successful as thought it would be, which means that I may have to do this a couple of times before, know, I am successful. So it's good to get that information and not be afraid of it.
00:30:09
Speaker
Right, right. With more information, you're able to do a lot more for sure. for For some families, you know and part of their journey is going to include either donor eggs or donor sperm or a justest a gestational carrier or you know all of the above.
00:30:29
Speaker
What do you feel like are some of the most common misconceptions you see come up, maybe either emotionally or medically, around you know when these options are brought to your patients?
00:30:46
Speaker
um let's start with donar eggs first uh yeah for for women uh a donor egg it feels like they're they're giving up on themselves and they feel defeated the thing i think the most is why don't i do it don't read because it's not my baby and i said number one it is your baby because We just kind of make an embryo and we don't put the embryo into your uterus. You're going to get pregnant. Okay.
00:31:15
Speaker
You're going to be excited when somebody says you're pregnant. You're going to get nauseated. You're going to take medicine for nausea. You're going to a big belly and you have to get different clothes and you're going to go through labor. You're going to ask for epidural, hopefully ask for epidural, but you're going to go through either natural delivery or C-section. And at the end of the when you touch the ability for And that baby laying on your chest with skin to skin bonding.
00:31:42
Speaker
That is your baby. And then we when they see the big picture, start to realize, you know what, that will be my baby. And they kind of have the terms with it. But, you know, it's very difficult sometimes to, you know, discuss donor rates with patients because they're just not ready for it And, you know, I always say that The window with your edge, if it is open, is very narrow.
00:32:10
Speaker
However, the window with the other edge is much wider. So try your edge until you have closure. And then once you have that closure, you always fall back on the donor.
00:32:23
Speaker
What's interesting about that extended parents have the same fears as the syrian. Sure. They asked me, the extended parents, what? How do I know she's not going to try to keep my baby?
00:32:37
Speaker
And I say, listen to me. She's worried about how do I know they're not going to come and get this baby. So you both have to be fierce. open But but that that's the biggest fear people worry about for seriously. But You know, what you know it' it's important to educate themselves, though that not every state in the U.S. is, you surrogate friendly. There are different laws in each state.
00:33:05
Speaker
And then you go into a contract with a surrogate. And the most important thing is not the surrogate baby, it's your baby, because nowadays everyone is doing gestational care years where the embryo, the genetic material is not from the actual surrogate.
00:33:24
Speaker
It's from either the intended parents, genetics, an egg donor or sperm donor. It's not from the serida, which makes it not her baby. Yeah, no, exactly.
00:33:37
Speaker
for For someone who is listening and feeling overwhelmed by all of the information that they're either finding on Dr. Google or message boards or, you know, just all of those things, where should someone start?
00:34:03
Speaker
Well, I think the first place that you start is knowing yourself, knowing your body. You know, we talked about knowing when you ovulate, knowing the best time to have intercourse. Let's start with you guys. I'll just, you know, do some routine testing to make sure everything's okay.
00:34:20
Speaker
What's one question that somebody could ask their provider that would bring immediate clarity to them as they were getting started on their fertility journey?
00:34:38
Speaker
Wow.
00:34:42
Speaker
I would say
00:34:46
Speaker
That's it's a very good question. Usually i don't have to think about the questions, but that's a very good question. I'm thinking, if someone were to ask me one question they can ask, I would say,
00:35:00
Speaker
is anything in my history suggested that we had difficulty getting pregnant? Or should I start earlier? in delay like my fertility? What do you think, doctor?
00:35:14
Speaker
and that kind of gets the doctor start talking about her age, her egg reserve, and just answer a lot different questions just with that one real question.
00:35:27
Speaker
What do you think? It's a very good question. And yeah, I mean, it's it's just not it's not one thing. is You know, when women are deciding get pregnant, you know, they have to make sure their partner's on board. I'll be honest with you, I have three daughters and I do have a son that has three daughters and I'm a strong advocate for women, okay?
00:35:54
Speaker
And i will definitely tell the patient sitting in front of me, it sounds like this guy that's on board was getting pregnant, I say, you know, there's plenty of efficiency, okay?
00:36:05
Speaker
If you're not on board and your biological clock is ticking, that means he may not be the right one for you. And maybe not, you know, maybe you may not even go find somebody else because you're love and that, but you know, if there's no ring on your finger, there's always a donor sperm bank that you can get pregnant with. So, you know, make sure you find a partner that's on board with your goal.
00:36:29
Speaker
Don't go see his goals because You know, he'll make sperm for many, many years. It may not function me as well when he's younger. ah Sure. But he'll be able to we'll be lost.
00:36:43
Speaker
I love the honesty. That's beautiful. You, you have. I say that because. um
00:36:54
Speaker
Go ahead. i mean the reason why The reason why I say that is because. It literally breaks my heart when I see a woman in her early to mid 40s when I'm telling her, you know, we're not going to be able do anything. The chances are 1% or going to need a donor egg because, you know, telling a woman like that is about her fertility, in my opinion.
00:37:26
Speaker
I'm a cancer survivor, so I think can say this. is that it's worse than telling someone to have cancer. Because if tell someone you have cancer, and the first thing they say is, I'm going to beat it.
00:37:39
Speaker
I'm doing everything I can possible to beat this. But when you tell a woman that she's lost her ability to have her own child because her eggs aren't healthy, because of her age, a lot of other women don't be recover from that. And it breaks my heart to have to tell somebody that.
00:37:59
Speaker
and realize that I can't offer them tool that will make their eggs better. If they'll say, doc, what's going to do to make my eggs better? And there's nothing that we can do to make those eggs better to improve your chances. I mean, there's things out there that people try and supplement, but there's nothing that we all agree upon that can make those eggs better.
00:38:23
Speaker
And that woman who's in her mid-40s wants to have baby and can't.
00:38:32
Speaker
What, when you're in situations like that, and i mean, you have, you've helped so many families, what still gives you hope every day? a, being fertility specialist is an amazing job. It's a very stressful job. Because, so i don't know if you like baseball or anything that, but a a good batting average in baseball is if you strike out, you know, seven out of 10 times, right? So if you get three out of 10 hits, three out of the bat, you get three hits, you're doing really, really well.
00:39:17
Speaker
But our numbers overall are pretty much like that overall for success. You know, probably about 30% overall. That means that there's seven women out of 10 who you weren't able to help.
00:39:33
Speaker
but there's always that one person that comes in reminds you that we do this because we love what we do. You know, even though there's a lot of stress to it, even though not everyone can be successful, I tell myself that my job is to help you across the facility bridge.
00:39:57
Speaker
And the facility bridge is where we're just starting off. and you cross it, either having your success, having a baby, seeing what other reproductive options such as adoption, aid donation, and serenity.
00:40:13
Speaker
My job is helping you get across that bridge and not let you get stuck in the middle. but a lot of women are stuck in the middle and don't know how to cross that bridge and have difficulty and never get over the pain of not being able have their own child.
00:40:33
Speaker
What is one message that you would want every listener, especially those maybe early in the process or feeling unsure they're stuck in the middle of that bridge, what's one thing you want everybody to remember in their fertility journey? Yeah.
00:40:56
Speaker
Always dream and dream big. Never give up, always dream that you're gonna the family that you want and then go about the way to obtain it. Now, having a family may not always be how we dream we would have a family. So, you know, sometimes we think about donor sperm, donor egg, you're working with a surrogate, but at the end of the you're still gonna get to the outcome of that spirit child, no matter how you conceive it with your eggs, a donor egg, donor sperm,
00:41:25
Speaker
or surrogate, that's still your child, so always me. And number two is listen to your body. Don't listen to anybody else.
00:41:36
Speaker
Listen to your body and understand when you're able to get pregnant, understand when you're fertile, and don't be afraid to go to the doctor.
00:41:46
Speaker
lot of times people, particularly women of color, They put it in God's hands and I think everything go to God's hands, but when God gets us technology to help us help women, we're having difficulty. So we having a if any difficulty getting pregnant, go see a doctor, don't be afraid. You know, find out what's going on.
00:42:09
Speaker
Maybe there's nothing you want know and everything's normal. It just needs little bit of time, but definitely be different. Don't be afraid and see a doctor. If you're being big and you'll be successful.
00:42:20
Speaker
It may not be the way you always dreamed that you're going to be successful, but you definitely will be successful.
00:42:26
Speaker
I love that. And I love that message of ah hope. I have one last question for you. and it's a fun one. As you know, we've already discussed it. Me and coffee.
00:42:38
Speaker
We are best friends. I'm never far from her. um And so I always love to ask the question, what has filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what has been the thing too that has filled your cup?
00:42:59
Speaker
Oh, wow. That's a very good question. You mean like the whole day or, you know, if it's it is the whole day, And let's just say the whole day.
00:43:12
Speaker
What's the whole day? What's the whole day? cup is, number one, is that I have an amazing staff. And coming to work is not like work. It's like family.
00:43:26
Speaker
And we all have the same common goal, that we just give our best to the patients that we take care of. And I would say that my cup was filled today and that I guess the best thing that ever happens when people visit babies back, you know.
00:43:46
Speaker
And today I had a ah special to visit for someone bringing the baby back. and Just the whole app list this so you know, my wife hates it when the babies come back because I always come home and say, you know what?
00:44:01
Speaker
We should definitely have another. She said, God, you have baby today. said, yes, I have another baby today. Let's think about having another one. So she hates when it happens, but I love when it happens.
00:44:13
Speaker
And today was a ah special day because, you know, somebody did come It was very cold. You don't see babies in the winter. know chance why bring him out with school so sure theyvising time review early you know great The spring time, summer time. But I was surprised by a visitor today. It was very, very special. So that's what feel like today.
00:44:39
Speaker
I love that. I'm, I'm with you. I'm, I'm loving anytime I get those baby pictures or, you know, little cards or things like that. I think my husband's in the same boat as your wife, because I'm always like, Oh, but look. And he's like, no, stop. some No, put it away.
00:44:56
Speaker
did That's not happening. Right. But, but really, I have to tell you, there's those things that are happening now that are making me a little nervous.
00:45:07
Speaker
And, um, You know, in the beginning, you get the baby pictures, next to that. that You start getting the middle school pictures, then you get the picture that graduated from college. I am now getting pictures of women who are conceived via IVF, and now they're having babies.
00:45:30
Speaker
So now I'm facing my own longevity, should I retire at this point in time? I don't want you to the great grandbaby, hey, you know, my mom had me.
00:45:44
Speaker
this is now my son. This is his son and daughter. So, you know. I love it. That's a legacy. But I love it so much, you know.
00:45:56
Speaker
Absolutely. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. Well, again, i mean, just thank you so much for your time, your insight, and just the obvious, just care and love that you bring to this work. I am just so grateful for this conversation and all of your, your words of wisdom, um, and you know, just everything. So thank you so much dr